Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to... #

ANNOUNCER: The Tower of London! HE COUGHS, BIRD CROAKS

Sorry, something's stuck in my throat.

Move over, Big Ben and Buckingham Palace,

the OG icon of London is in town.

Packed so full of juicy history, it's running out of the poop chutes!

It's home to the priceless Crown Jewels

and it's been everything from a royal palace to a prison

that held celebrity inmates, including Guy Fawkes and Anne Boleyn.

And, of course, it's got ravens, ravens, ravens!

It's stood strong by the mighty River Thames

for almost 1,000 years. But people have been living and working

in the same spot for 1,000 more.

It's big, it's old,

it's a little bit scary,

it's the...

And this is how it all started.

Oh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# London founded by us Romans, you see

# Cos we conquered the Britons and forced them to flee

# London falling to Boudica's hoard

# My Britons destroyed it With fire and sword

# London growing, now back on track FARTING

# For hundreds of years, then to Rome we went back

# London falling to the Saxon invaders

# Our soldiers and sailors became farmers and traders

VIKING WAR HORN # The Vikings are coming

# Time to take up our spears VIKINGS SHOUT

# If Vikings take London, we could be here for years

# Us Saxons have Alfred, the pendulum swings

# The Vikings are crushed by

# The greatest of kings! #

Ah, peace at last.

Nice place you've got here!

Oh, for goodness' sake!

# London falling To the axes of Danes

# We Saxons came back Then us Danes came again

# London falling to

# The Saxons this time

# But we don't need a battle

# With the Danes past their prime

# But London is falling

# This time is the last

# William conquers Harold and the fighting is past

# A castle is coming down by ze river

# My White Tower of London

# When will it fall?! #

Never.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ah, absolutely smashed that. Oh!

Woo-hoo! Morning, Eric!

Morning, Mr Gundulf. What do you think?

I hope he likes it. Who likes it?

King William! He's coming to inspect our work on ze White Tower!

Ohh!

Thought you were dressed fancy for an architect.

What are you talking about? I'm always dressed like zis.

Yes, I'm an architect, but

I'm also ze Bishop of Rochester.

Now, quickly, clean all of zis up

before King William arrives.

You know what he's like. He can lose his temper,

his... Ah... ARGH! ..Bishop Gundulf! Your Majesty!

So zis is it, is it?

Your Majesty, it has taken almost 20 years to build

but zis is ze White Tower.

It is made with ze finest Kentish ragstone,

giving it zis nice, clean, white look.

Its loo chutes are strategically positioned so zat ze, um... Ha-ha.

FARTING ..bottom dirt only pours down

ze north and east-side walls,

giving ze front of ze tower

a completely brown-free facade.

HE YAWNS

Do you want me to test it out, Your Majesty?

You are making me quite nervous, so I do need to go.

Don't bother. Zere's no need.

Where are you going?

We haven't even shown you the private suite on ze top floor

with an en-suite poo chute.

Whatever. Goodbye.

It's got a fountain!

That fires wine 20 foot into the sky!

Really? No, not really. I panicked.

I don't care about your white stone or your chute of ze poops.

I'm not staying.

But I designed it just like your castle in Normandy.

And I love my castles in Normandy!

Zat's why I'm going back zere.

Zen why did you ask me to build zis castle?

I just wanted a big, scary symbol of my power.

Zat's why it's overlooking ze smelly Saxons who live in London.

Ha-ha! I don't want to actually live here.

It will not be my poop on ze walls!

Au revoir!

Ah!

Yeah, since he's not staying,

can I go up and bounce on his bed?

I'm tempted do something else on his bed! Ha!

Cushty.

Yes, the Tower of London began life as a fortress

built by William the Conqueror's invading Normans

to guard against rebellions by the local Saxons.

And so, who better to guide us around it

than one of the guards who actually works there now?

Real life Yeoman Warder, AJ!

Hello, Rattus. Hello.

Yes, we've been guarding the tower and living there since Henry VII

created the job in Tudor times. Wow!

The tower's now a tourist hot spot,

but it used to be a prison, didn't it?

It must have been filled with some very naughty criminals.

Not just criminals, Rattus. Huh!

A lot of people ended up in the tower

just for upsetting the king or queen.

The famous explorer Sir Walter Raleigh got sent to the tower

just for secretly marrying one of Elizabeth I's ladies-in-waiting.

Talk about a disastrous honeymoon!

Still, I hear he kept himself busy while he was inside.

ANNOUNCER: They've got a guilty secret.

It's Guilty Cordial from Sir Walter Raleigh.

So good, they should lock it up.

And they have!

Because it's made here in prison, by me.

Ugh!

I'm Sir Walter Ra...leigh.

Elizabethan spy, explorer,

soldier, poet,

and now, soft drink maker.

My medicinal, healthy cordials are all made here by my hand,

in the Tower of London.

Because there's not much else to do.

Fancy a sip, bud?

HE SIGHS He never says anything.

Guilty Cordials are made with only the freshest of ingredients,

many of them grown here during my exercise hours

in the gardens of the prison.

Oh, look! Some rosemary!

Through that unlocked gate!

Ah...I was just going to close it.

Guilty Cordial is made from rosemary, elderflower, thistles,

clay, wood - that wood bark's got a bit of raven poo on it, revolting -

antlers and the hearts and livers

of deadly vipers. But not their skins.

NOTES ON BRASS INSTRUMENT That's disgusting.

So why not try Guilty Cordial, from me, Sir Walter Raleigh?

It's so good, they have to keep me locked up!

And also because I plotted to overthrow the new King James.

And I attacked the Spanish when I said I wouldn't.

And a bunch of other stuff.

What can I say?

I'm as guilty as my own cordial. Ooh!

ANNOUNCER: Guilty cordial.

Hurry, while stocks last.

Production will definitely cease on the 29th of October 1618.

Ooh! Why? Are they letting me out?

Um, well, not exactly.

ARGGH!

Here we go. Sorry I'm late, Your Majesty Anne Boleyn.

Right, I'm thinking we start with a banquet.

Lots of musicians, maybe some fun animal acts, barges full of flowers.

You do know the event is my execution?

Oh!

Sorry, I was looking at the wrong list.

What am I like? That does explain that expert French swordsman

they asked for, I suppose. And the bucket for my severed head?

Oh, that's what that's for! You're a smart cookie, in't you?

No, this other list was for the last party I threw you -

it was your coronation! BUGLE SOUNDS

Remember? You married Henry VIII? Lovely day, that was.

Flotilla of boats.

You'll be arriving on a boat this time, as well, actually. Lucky me!

Your last one was at The Tower too, weren't it? In't that funny?

You had your wedding party here,

and you're going to have your DEADing party here, too.

THEY ALL CHUCKLE

I'm not finding it that funny.

All right, please yourself.

Cor, was it only three year ago?

The last one was absolutely fabulous and this one will be too.

We're going to send you off with a bang!

Well, more of a chop, I suppose. Then a thud.

Lovely! I LOVE that for us.

Ugh... Ooh, you had cannons at your last one too? Boom!

Yeah, we'll have those again. Announce your death.

Woohoo.

Ah, everyone loves a public execution, don't they?

How many people are we expecting? Between 1,000 and 2,000.

BOTH: Ooh!

Someone's popular! Or unpopular, I suppose...

THEY CHUCKLE Are we done?

No, very busy day ahead.

Well, not for you, obviously.

That head's not going to chop itself off, is it?

Oh, thank you very much. What's this?

Ooh, a message from the King.

Has he changed his mind? Am I saved?

No. He's asking me to organise an engagement party for him

and Jane Seymour tomorrow!

I love an engagement! Lovely.

Oh, sorry, too soon?

Maybe, mmm-hmm. Mmm...

It's true, I did indeed announce my engagement to Jane Seymour

just one day after I had Anne Boleyn executed.

And what can I say? SMASH!

I was in love, I lost my head.

Although, obviously, not in the same way Anne did.

AXE SWIPES, CRUNCH!

Gosh, I love that sound! And I heard it a lot,

because as well as putting people IN the Tower of London,

I liked having them executed there too.

CHOPS away!

Hiya! I'm Henry VIII -

monarch, serial husband,

and massive fan of chopping people's heads off.

SWEET!

And what better place to make heads roll than here,

in the Tower of London?

So, in this vid, I'm going to give you my five faves.

Welcome to...Top Of The Chops.

Ooh, lovely stuff, John.

Off in one.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

WHISPERING: Top bloke.

At number five,

it's my fifth wife, Catherine Howard.

Her head had to roll because I found out that she'd had

loads of boyfriends before I married her, which I did not like.

WAILING Ladies, top tip -

don't marry a jealous king

with his own axe man.

Bit of beef, Beefy?

I'm vegetarian.

Wh...? HE SIGHS

KLAXON SOUNDS, COW MOOS

Anne, my second wife, my first love,

and number four in my Top Chops.

I did my job - redecorating the Tower for her,

she didn't do her job in giving me a son...

BABY GURGLES ..so, it was choppity-chop-chop.

It was quite sad, though.

She said some lovely things about me

on the scaffold - even asked the crowd to pray for me.

Really quite moving.

Still killed her, though!

AXE SWINGS, WOMAN SCREAMS

PASSER-BY SCREAMS

Oh, wow - a bullseye!

Thomas Cromwell came a cropper

when he met the chopper.

He had to go because he organised

my fourth marriage to Anne of Cleves,

and she was not nearly as pretty as he said she was.

He also did a bunch of treason stuff.

I stuck his head on a spike on London Bridge.

Well, I had to put it somewhere!

Margaret Pole, she was a stubborn one.

She made a huge fuss because she didn't want me

to divorce my ex, Catherine of Aragon.

She even encouraged an invasion of England,

and her head was just as stubborn.

It took 11 chops to get it off.

Tell you what's not all fun and games -

beheading someone who you really like.

Thomas More was a dear friend of mine,

but guys, you don't disagree

with the king on religion.

If people lose their heads,

people gon' lose their heads!

It was quite sad, though.

The executioner even apologised to him.

More kissed him and said... MWAH!

.."It's fine."

So maybe he was cool with it.

Anyway, top bloke, shame about the...

AXE CLANGS So, there you have it,

my five Top Of The Chops!

Don't forget to, like, follow, and subscribe to my religious reforms -

or else -

and watch out for next week's video, Top Of The Pork Chops,

where I count down my fave five royal feasts.

Num, num, num, num, num.

Great swing, John. A thing of beauty.

Do you want to join me for a round of tennis?

Say yes, or I'll make you chop your own head off.

Yeah. Thought so. Maybe lose the mask.

CHOP! MAN SCREAMS

Freaking me out.

Hi, I'm the Earl of Winton.

Now, my top tip is to say that you want to put all your final affairs

in order before you die, and then get a family friend

to take away all your important documents in a nice, big hamper.

Ayyy!

Oooh!

HE GUFFAWS

Bye, Jeff.

That was the worst thing I've ever seen.

So then just turf the documents out

and then you can make your escape in the hamper.

Your friend won't mind carrying it!

HE CHUCKLES

OK.

Breathe in. HE INHALES DEEPLY

MUFFLED: OK, let's bounce.

HE STRAINS

Uh, sounds like you're straining.

PARP!

Ugh, smells like it, too. That is rank!

It wasn't me, it was...

It was...? Yeah, it was me.

I'm a big farty boy just carrying a hamper full of documents.

Farty boy? See you later, then - bye!

PAAAAARP!

MUFFLED: Sorry, I toot when I'm nervous. Ugh...

Ugh, that is horrible.

CALLING: OK, Winton, time for your execution.

Winton?

Oh...

He went with the farty boy.

Quite a few people have escaped from the tower over the centuries.

One guy even tried to escape down the toilet!

RATTUS CHUCKLES Legend!

Well, even back in history, there weren't that many escapees.

Right, so how did people get out of the tower?

Well, some were released. Great.

But sadly, a lot were taken off to be executed.

Less great.

That what happened to Scottish knight and freedom fighter

William Wallace in 1305,

only his execution wasn't the end of his journey.

BAGPIPES PLAY

HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY

Let's see... I think this is it. CLEAR THROAT

Oh, you all right? I'm Baron Segrave.

Sorry, are you one of them silent monks?

No, I just had a mouthful of potato scone. Ah, right.

What can I do for you? I just wanted to check

that this is Stirling, Scotland, where the vicious rebel

William Wallace slaughtered 5,000 of the King's men?

No, this is where the Scottish freedom fighter William Wallace...

BAGPIPES PLAY, FIGHTING ECHOES

..bravely repelled the King's men before being betrayed and captured

by the English oppressors.

You say "pot-AY-to scon", I say "pot-AH-to scown". Eh?

I've got something of his.

I wonder if you could sign for it, please? What, he left us something?

Yeah, he left you something he was VERY attached to, but we saw to that!

HE CHUCKLES

You're not one of those English ratbags, are you?

BAGPIPES PLAY, FIGHTING ECHOES

Oh, yeah, yeah, I came from the Tower of London. Where they tortured

and executed our heroic William Wallace? Oh, certainly not.

We did that at Smithfield! At the Tower, we kept him there captive,

you know, so he couldn't get up to any mischief.

Get out of here! You don't want to see what's inside it first?

It's one of a kind. FLIES BUZZ

Well, I should say two of a kind - we've got the other leg in the cart,

taking it to Berwick. What kind of monsters would just slice the legs

off a nation's hero? Oh, certainly not us.

We sliced off both his arms as well! HE CHUCKLES

Actual fact, yeah, I'm taking this one to Newcastle.

I was wondering if you could take the other one to Perth,

you know, HAND-deliver it, if you happen to be nearby?

HE CHUCKLES The day I do anything for the

English is the day I die.

You don't have to be like that. For all you know,

it's what William would have wanted.

I think I know exactly what William would have wanted.

BAGPIPES PLAY, FIGHTING ECHOES

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Get out! GET OUT!

I wish we'd trimmed his toenails!

I was in the army during the First World War

but I was imprisoned in the tower for dead.

My top tip for escaping the tower is to simply walk out

through the door with confidence.

At ease.

HE STIFLES LAUGHTER

And that's how I got out in 1916.

Have a good day, mate.

I know I will.

The last people to actually be held prisoner at the tower

were gangsters the Kray Twins in 1952.

But there's still jobs to be done here, AJ.

That's right, Rattus.

The Tower is still where the crown jewels are kept,

so the Yeoman Warders have to guard them, and we have to

attend lots of official ceremonies throughout the year.

I guess that's why it's important that you live here too.

Yep, and we're not the only ones that live here.

Are you talking about my Uncle Dennis?

He promised he'd stay in the sewer

but he is partial to a bit of cake from your gift shop.

No, I'm not talking about your Uncle Dennis.

Oh. I'm talking about the Constable of the Tower.

There's been a Constable living here and overseeing how it's run

since the days of William the Conqueror.

And back in the day, the job had some very weird perks.

Ooh?

HE WHISTLES

Ooh, a pot!

At last, something to cook my raw turnip in!

I'll take that! Hey! What are you doing?

Reclaiming my pot.

The name's John Tiptoft, Constable of the Tower.

I'm in charge while the king's not here,

and my job entitles me to anything

that falls off carts into the tower moat.

Well, have it then. At least you can't stop me taking these herbs.

SNIFF!

Hopefully they'll take the taste of the raw turnip away.

I'll have them too. Oh!

All herbs and plants growing in the area of Tower Hill

also belong to moi.

SWAN HONKS

Ah, stop looking at my swan.

Oh, come on, you can't own the swans!

Aw, my turnip!

As constable, I am entitled to any swans under London Bridge.

Oink! Help! I was taking my pig over the bridge

and it fell in the river.

Not your pig. My pig. What?!

As constable, I am entitled to all pigs, horses, oxen and sheep

that fall from London Bridge into the Thames.

That's mine too. Moo!

But I brought the pigs all the way from Norfolk in my boat.

Wait. Why were you travelling by boat?

I'm on a pilgrimage to the shrine of St James.

I was dropping the pigs off on the way.

Oh, excellent. You owe me two pence.

What?! As constable, I am entitled to take two pence

off of every pilgrim to St James that comes in by sea.

Also a shilling from each herring boat, six shillings and eight pence

for all fishing boats and a portion of cargo from each boat

moored at Tower Wharf. See my face for details. Ugh.

Oh, and a portion of your boat's cargo too, if you don't mind.

Hmm, you're welcome to it. Ker-ching!

You can have the pigswill. Er...

Ugh! Oh, ugh! There's plenty where that came from.

Keep it! I'll let you off this time.

Ugh, that stinks! Rub some of your herbs in,

it'll take the smell away!

Won't help with the flies, though.

Ooh! Oh!

Oh, these flies aren't mine.

You can keep the flies.

Ugh... Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, gosh. What a busy day I've had praying.

Yes, that's what us vicars do after all, pray, pray, pray.

Not really. It's me, Colonel Thomas Blood.

This is the disguise I use to successfully steal

Charles II's crown jewels from the Tower of London.

I talked the master of the jewel

house into taking me to see them,

pushed him out the way, grabbed jewels and legged it!

But what did I do to the crown to get it to fit under my coat?

Did I...?

The answer is C.

I bashed it until it would fit

neatly under my coat.

Some might say that this would ruin it,

but I think a flat crown would rather suit me.

Actually, I could wear it as a rather fetching brooch.

Yeah, the robbery was a total success.

Apart from dropping some of the booty on the way out and getting caught.

You're nicked! Not going to let any of that put me off, though.

Not while I've still got my brilliant disguise on.

The ears are fake.

Just in case that wasn't clear.

Am I allowed to touch the Crown Jewels, AJ?

No. Oh.

Are you allowed to touch them?

No-one touches the Crown Jewels. Right.

Well, you'd better have this back then. What?

Don't worry, it'll glue back on.

Unbelievable.

So, nowadays, the tower is a big tourist attraction, and people

can come and see all the famous stuff, like the Crown Jewels,

Traitors' Gate, the White Tower,

and, of course, the ravens.

I bet the tourists love it. They do.

But there was one constable of the tower who didn't

like the tourists very much at all.

The Duke of Wellington used to work here, and he tried very hard to put

tourists off from visiting. Oh!

The tower's constable has been the boss for a couple of years now

and he's recently got himself another exciting job,

which is causing quite a stir.

Our boss here at the tower

was already a bit of a big deal.

He's the Duke of Wellington.

As in, won the Battle of Waterloo, Duke of Wellington.

And now he's been made the Prime Minister of the whole country.

Good morning, PM.

What are those? Just the usual tourists, sir.

How many times do I have to say? This is a fortress.

Oh, my goodness. It's the new Prime Minister. Ooh!

Oh! I'm so sorry about that.

The actual Prime Minister slammed a door in my face.

And we thought seeing Traitors' Gate was cool!

This place is amazing.

We have got to bring everyone else next time.

Oh, can you let him know?

We've got some ideas for merchandise.

I'm thinking a bodice with, "Raving about ravens" embroidered across...

Please make them go away, Yeoman Warder.

Is he talking about us? No.

I am talking about them. Make them go away.

How about I show you a different part of the tower?

Oh, I'd love to see another part of the tower. Yes!

See you later!

Have you seen the Crown Jewels? Oh, exciting!

It's not that I hate the general public,

it's just this is a military post.

The tower is here to defend against revolutionaries and the like.

We can't do that with the general public just wandering around.

I mean, they don't even know how to march properly.

Even though he's splitting his attention between the tower

and being PM, the Duke still finds time to explain to staff

his new strategy to make the tower more military-focused.

We must create a plan of battle against the enemy.

Do you mean the tourists?

Exactly.

The Duke wanted to raise the ticket prices to keep the riff-raff out,

but he wasn't allowed to.

In fact, the ticket prices went down, so instead he banned groups

of larger than 12 people.

And then also, to be extra safe, he's brought in these.

He's worried about the tourists taking over the tower

and starting a rebel uprising.

In my experience, he should be

more worried about us running out of cake.

I mean, that's when things really kick off.

I don't understand.

I mean, the queue to see the Crown Jewels is twice as long as normal.

You should see how busy the armoury is, boss.

People really love what you've done with the place.

Those are functional, military weapons to defend the castle!

And they're also fun to sit on.

At least I was allowed to drain the moat.

I bet the tourists are furious about that one.

It turns out that the visitors hated the moat too. It stank.

But they love the new parade ground we replaced it with.

They like watching the soldiers.

We're one of the top tourist attractions in the country.

It's ridiculous.

The most magnificent fortress in the country,

filled with giddy sightseers.

KNOCKING What?

We've run out of cake.

Gah!

Caw-caw! Caw-caw!

Victory! Pauline!

Your lunch is ready.

Ah, hello there!

Winston Churchill here.

I'm just laying out a spot of lunch for the Tower of London ravens.

Come on, girls! Grub's up.

I hope they haven't disappeared.

There's a legend that something very bad will happen

if there are no ravens in the tower.

But what is it?

Is it...?

The answer is...

..B!

Yes. It's said that the kingdom will fall if the ravens leave the tower.

That's why I had more bought in after the Second World War Blitz.

Girls, come on, now!

Don't tease Uncle Winnie.

I do hope they haven't left.

CAWING Ah, good. There they are.

POO SLOSHES

CAWING

Of course. Caw! Caw! Caw!

The Ravens are probably the most famous residents

of the tower nowadays, aren't they, AJ?

No offence.

None taken. We love the ravens.

There's even a special yeoman warder called the Raven Master,

who looks after them. Ooh! Ravens are thought to have been

at the tower since the reign of Charles II.

Rats will have been here even longer, of course.

Maybe. But we don't talk about your Uncle Dennis.

We're not big fans.

To be fair, neither is Auntie Edna.

Well, thanks for showing us round, AJ.

Keep up the good work.

Now, how about singing us a song to finish up?

Thanks, but no.

Good job we've got this then.

# We got a tower

# We got a white tower in London.

# A seat of power

# Yeah

# A place where anything can happen

# It's been a mint, a royal zoo

# A castle protecting you

# It was wood when it was new

# Now it's a museum

# For the Krays and Rudolf Hess

# William Wallace and Queen Bess

# Walter Raleigh and the rest, was a prison

# Here's a mystery for you

# The princes in the tower went missing

# But people think a clue

# Is their uncle Richard became king

# The Tower's seen all of these terrible days

# Like the death of Jane Grey

# Jane Grey Jane Grey Jane Grey

# A teenager given the crown

# Must have thought she was made

# Got played

# She was queen for nine days

# Kept tigers there

# The leopards', panthers' and lions' den

# Let's talk polar bears

# They had one that swam in the Thames

# It's been a mint, a royal zoo

# A castle protecting you

# It was wood when it was new

# Now it's a museum

# For Samuel Pepys and Anne Boleyn

# Henry's fifth wife, Catherine

# Guy Fawkes and more like him, was a prison

# Here's a legend for you

# While the ravens stay, it'll stand proudly

# They got the time for you

# But if the ravens leave

# It'll end badly

# A tower full of all the historical things

# Like the death of Anne Boleyn

# Boleyn Boleyn Boleyn

# Executed by the sword

# And the case was so thin

# Yet no win

# Her accuser was the King

# We got a tower

# We got a white tower in London. #

I bashed it until it would...

Very good thing.

I've broken the hammer already.

Ha, I've completely forgotten what my character's name is.

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #