Original subtitles

Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Dingy castles, daring knights

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Punishment from ancient times

Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and measly Middle Ages

BOTH:

Horrible Histories presents...

Hi-yes!

Welcome to one of the rowdiest, riotous and most dangerous times

in our history.

Oh! Oi, be careful where you're pointing that cannon!

MAN: Sorry!

Welcome to the English Civil War,

and let me tell you, it is intense.

It's a war between King Charles I,

who believes the King should be able to do whatever he likes,

and Parliament, who want to limit King Charlie's powers

and stop him from just raising taxes whenever he wants to.

But Charlie says he's going to do it anyway,

and that means this country is heading towards an all-out civil war.

Ooh!

Your Majesty, just because you are the king

does not mean you can do whatever you like.

You can't just tax people willy nilly.

HE LAUGHS

On the contrary.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

God gave me the right

with his might

the green light

and my kin

that I am the boss

wouldn't be a great loss

ADVISERS: but we still think that

to just advise you

I'm the one to make laws

but the power's not yours

I'll rule on my own

in a decade or so

to buy lots of boats

way up to John o' Groats

to raise some money

cash to me

across the whole country

let's have a boogie

there should be some limits

It's 1640 and, unbelievably,

Parliament's now been closed for 11 years thanks to Charles.

It's no wonder MPs like John Pym... Hello!

..and Oliver Cromwell are furious. I'm furious!

And now the Scots are invading England.

Yikes! HORSES WHINNY

Looks like Charlie's going to need cash for an army to fight them.

CHARLES: I need cash for an army to fight them!

See? Told you.

Unfortunately for him, there's only one way he can raise that money,

and that's by Parliament agreeing to a tax,

which means reopening Parliament.

But after being shut for 11 years,

I don't think they're going to be in much of a mood to help the king.

Hey, gang, it's your boy,

King Charles of England, Ireland and Scotland.

Yeah, that's right. I said Scotland.

What's up with those guys, anyway? Why have they invaded England?

Grr!

I'm going to raise a load of tax and pay for an army to sort you out.

Lord Stafford? BORED: Yes?

We're going to go down to Parliament and tell THEM to raise the tax.

But they are not there, remember?

That's the wife. French princess. Standard.

You sent them all home 11 years ago, Your Majesty.

I believe you said you didn't need those WASTE MEN...

..holding you back.

LOL. What am I like? HE LAUGHS

That's fine. I'll just bring them back.

Parliament open for business!

English Parliament refused to order a tax,

so I sent them all back home again.

AIR HORN BLARES

They were here for so little time,

they're already calling it The Short Parliament.

Parliament closed for business!

Well, there's more than one way to raise a tax.

I am the King of England.

If only you were king of another country, too. Wait...

I'm the king of Ireland as well and they've got their own parliament.

Let's just get the money from them!

Time for war!

So, I raised the money for my army,

and then my army got its bottom kicked by the Scots...

BAGPIPES PLAY

..so I had to call English Parliament back.

Parliament reopened for business!

Not only did they refuse to raise the tax,

but then they started passing laws to limit my powers.

HE IMITATES EXPLOSION

Newsflash, guys - you can't limit my powers cos I'm the king!

So, guess what? I'm going to put on my big boy king pants,

and then I'm going to come down there

and arrest all of the ringleaders!

OK, I went down to arrest Pym and the other ringleaders,

but the birds had flown. CHICKEN CLUCKS

There's people arming themselves outside.

London is not a chill city right now.

They would not go to war with their own king.

You are appointed by God.

Yeah, that doesn't seem to be ending the argument

like it used to any more.

Might be worth checking the weapon and gunpowder stores in Hull,

just in case.

And, er...probably best not to let Parliament know we're doing that.

Shh.

Hiya, love.

Yeah? Are you the mayor of Hull?

I am, yeah. Why?

Then open up in the name of the King.

The King?

These are dangerous times,

what with the King and Parliament

being ready to go to war with one another.

One's life could be in danger for saying the wrong thing

to the wrong person.

If you let me finish, what I was going to say is

"open up in the name of the King"

is the sort of thing a chap might say if he were loyal to the king

and wanted you to let him in.

I wonder, what sort of thing might you say to a person like that?

He wants to know if you're loyal to the king.

Stay out of this, Nosy Sarah. Fine.

So, are you loyal to the king?

Mmm...I don't know.

Are you loyal to the king?

HIGH-PITCHED: Uh...

Anyone want to know if I'm loyal to the king?

MEN: No.

Fine by me. Make yourself useful.

So, tell me, who are you?

Um... He's the Earl of Newcastle.

HE SCOFFS I'm not.

Why would the Earl of Newcastle be visiting Hull?

If I had to guess, I'd say that the king wants to know

if all the ammunition stored here in Hull

is likely to end up in the hands of his enemies

when civil war breaks out.

I...am...Sir...

..John...

..Savage.

He's the Earl of Newcastle.

Look! That pub's named after him.

Oh, come on. What are the chances of that?

Right, listen, Sir John Fake Name.

I don't know what's going on here.

But I am trying to make a smoothie in there

and we are mostly supporters of Parliament here,

so I suggest that you leave.

Fine. I'll go. I'll go.

Right. Well, I spoke to the council. It is private...

HIGH-PITCHED: Oh! Hello there.

I am a weary old washerwoman,

hoping to wrest her withered old legs upon a weapons store.

No. Oh, for goodness sake!

Timewaster!

I'm not sure that was an old woman.

It's 1642 and both sides,

King Charles and Parliament,

have recruited 20,000 soldiers.

Neither side is backing down,

and now dodgy old Charlie

is about to declare war on his own parliament.

What could possibly go wrong?

VOICEOVER: Welcome to Civil War's Been Framed,

the show that proves that kings and queens can get stuff wrong, too,

and nothing interferes with trying to start a war more

than when you've got trouble with wind.

Couldn't we use a smaller flag, Your Majesty?

No. What's wrong with this one?

It's massive! That's what's wrong with it.

Sire, we need 20 men to put it up properly.

LAUGHTER Told you. Nonsense.

Outside in this field is the best place to declare war.

THUNDER CRASHES

Yeah, not any more, mate. LAUGHTER

But I guess kings are used to REIGNING. Ha!

On the bright side, it's not a complete declaration fail.

Lead on, Herald. Hang on, hang on, hang on!

Er, I just want to make a couple of changes to the wording.

A last-minute rewrite in the rain.

What could possibly go wrong?

OK. Loud and proud. LAUGHTER

HE CLEARS THROAT On this day,

the 22nd of...

..augh-ah-ah...

..1642... August! It says August!

Sorry. The rain smudged the print.

MOCKING: The rain smudged the print!

Carry on, Herald. I'm sure you're through the worst of it.

I, Charles Stupid, King of England...

Charles Stupid? Yeah, maybe not.

Why would I have written that?!

Charles Stuart, King of England. Come on!

Sorry, your handwriting's all scribbly when you changed it...

Oh, so it's my fault?

I'm not having a go. I just can't read it.

OK, so, apart from the weather - and the words -

I think that went pretty well.

At least the flag didn't fall down.

Oh! Spoke too soon.

Well, if just declaring war goes that badly,

imagine how well the rest of this is going to go.

We should use a smaller flag. See you next time.

Great idea.

So, the Civil War has started, people.

It's on, and everyone's got to pick a side.

It's so hard to choose. What do you reckon?

Should I support the King and be a royalist Cavalier,

or would I be better off as a parliamentarian Roundhead?

Hmm. Choices, choices.

And even if I can pick a team, how will I know who else is on it?

I might end up fighting the wrong person

cos, frankly, on the battlefield,

all the soldiers are basically dressed the same.

Hmm!

Don't move!

Are you friend or foe?

Er...

I mean...it's hard to tell. What?

Well, we're wearing similar clothes, so I don't really know.

All right, just...just tell me what side you're on.

King or Parliament?

Why don't you tell me which side you're on? I asked first.

I fight for the English.

We're all fighting for the English, mud-for-brains.

Hey! I'm not going to let anybody speak to me like that.

On the other hand, I probably would let somebody on my side say it

cos then it would just be friendly banter... Banter, right.

Tricky. Yeah. For the English! Ugh!

This is really confusing.

All right, our side favours wearing red.

It's not going to work. Both sides like red. Oh.

Our lot, we're all wearing, like, a white piece of paper

in the top of our hat, so we can sort of see who's on our side.

We also have white paper... Oh, that's promising!

..and our secret battle code words are...

BOTH: "God with us"!

Hey! We're on the same side! Royals!

Huzzah for Parliament! Huzzah for us Roundheads!

Oh, Roundheads? I'm a royalist Cavalier.

Oh, my gosh.

Wait, are you telling me we both chose the same code words

and the same white paper for our hats?

What are the chances? It's mad. I can't believe it.

Should we, erm, do the...? Yeah. Go on, then.

Probably should.

God with us.

You want to tell him or shall I?

Forget it.

Hi, royalist fans!

God save King Charlie. Whoo, whoo! SHE LAUGHS

I'm Charlotte Stanley, Countess of Derby,

and I'm here with some more tips on how to communicate

during a civil war.

It's time for another...

Take that, parliamentarian swine!

Nathaniel, is that really more important

than me talking to my followers?

Well, we are under siege. No, it isn't.

That's my sidekick and soldier, Nathaniel.

He's just shooting at the Roundheads who've surrounded my castle...

EXPLOSION

Nathaniel, can you please clean that up?

Welcome to your number one guide for the latest tips and tricks

on how to pass messages during a civil war.

NATHANIEL SCREAMS Oh! A message has arrived.

Oh! Ah!

Firing arrows through windows can be dangerous for the people inside,

but it is a great way to send a letter in secret!

LadyInTheTower242 asks...

ROUNDHEAD: Ow!

Oh, girl! I got you.

Just our men are at war doesn't mean you can't woo your boo.

Come here, you!

Nathaniel? Yeah? Read.

Yeah. I can't, it's gibberish. Exactly!

Tip number two is write in code.

In that way, it can't be read even if it falls into enemy hands.

Roll your message up in wax or lead

to the size of a musket ball like this.

Don't shoot it, eat it!

Then, once Nathaniel finds your beloved,

he simply drops his trousers and poops out your message.

Argh! Not doing that. Well, then, Nathaniel,

I think we might have to resort to tip number four.

Stick your message in an oozing, infected wound.

Even if Nathaniel's arrested by the Roundheads,

there's no way they'll go poking around in a stinky scab factory.

You're not sticking your letter in my arrow wound. Yes, I am.

Remember, smash the like, and I'll be back next time

with more tips and tricks on Message In A Battle!

God save the King!

Nathaniel, come here.

You leave my bum wound alone!

It's 1645 and the war is starting to swing our way.

Yes, Parliament! Get in!

We're beating the king's forces,

and it's mostly thanks to General Fairfax

and his ultra-professional and super organised New Model Army.

Right, I'm off to join up! CANONS FIRE

Yeah, it's, er...the other way.

There's a new fighting force in town.

It's hard, it's professional,

and it's going to blow the silly goatee

right off of King Charles's face.

Ooh! See? I'm General Fairfax,

and I'm here to tell you that if you want to be the best,

then you need to join the New Model Army.

Model? Great! I love toy soldiers.

It's not that kind of model army.

We're the first professional army in England.

We pay a regular wage

and we only use the most modern of warfare techniques.

Our soldiers travel all across the country

to fight against King Charles wherever he may be.

Quite a shouty man, aren't you?

You get to do all the things a modern soldier loves,

like horse riding, hand-to-hand combat

and most of all...praying.

We'll pray all day if we have to!

So, if you like...

..and mostly...God,

then you should join the New Model Army.

When do we get to play with our toy soldiers?

SHOUTING: It's not that kind of model army!

Wow. I've just seen the New Model Army

in action at the Battle of Naseby.

They absolutely smashed it.

But I'm not surprised. They haven't lost a battle yet.

Things are going so well that the king surrendered

and he's being locked up,

although keeping him locked up hasn't been easy.

He's already escaped from house arrest at Hampton Court.

Still, what are the chances he'll try it again?

Hmm...

Going well, is it, Sire?

Oh, sa-weet freedom!

My liberty is nigh, I can feel it!

Maybe trying to escape through the bars wasn't such a great idea, Sire.

Nonsense. Why would you say a thing like that?

It's just that you've had your head stuck for some time now.

That is such a glass-half-empty way of looking at things, Ashburnham,

because you could say that my head is completely free from the prison.

Mm, yep, but a lot of your body's still inside the prison, Sire.

Yes. Right, new plan.

Like the greasy sausage, we shall slip through their hands.

We will head to the New Forest,

moving so fast that they'll be unable to keep a hold of us. Ha-ha-ha!

Brilliant idea, Your Majesty. Yes.

You might be forgetting one thing - your head is stuck in a window.

Will you stop being such a negative nelly?!

Everyone knows that if the head can pass through a space,

then the rest can follow

because the head is the biggest part of the body.

So, here we go. One time, no thought. Here we go.

CHARLES GRUNTS

Gah!

Yee-ee!

Ta-da! Ow.

I think that just applies to mice, sire.

Why didn't you say anything, then, Ashburnham?! I did.

My shoulder's stuck now

and I'm in a huge amount of physical pain!

OK, right, plan C, plan C.

Earlier today, I took the precaution of summoning a man servant,

whose outrageous clothing will distract from his face.

I'm talking a big wide hat,

a big beard and a wig and a big great coat.

Hmm, yeah. So all I need then do is disguise myself as him and, ah...

You mean this bloke? Yeah, we spotted him immediately.

You're not going anywhere.

Now here's my plan, you go back to bed and you stay here,

locked up and ready to be executed.

Pfff, tell them, Ashburnham.

It's a good plan, guard, if it weren't for one inescapable fact.

Head in window! I'm stucko, bucko!

HE LAUGHS

You're not very stealthy.

Chestnut? TUTS

I don't know how you can eat

at an execution, Sarah,

I'm much too excited!

Down with the King!

Hey! Stop pushing!

Haven't we had enough fighting over the last few years?

Isn't it time we put an end to the violence?

Let's all watch the King getting his head chopped off together.

I actually hope they don't kill him.

I quite like the King.

You can't say that, you'll get us killed!

Anyway, it's too late, the Parliamentarians

have already signed his death warrant.

FANFARE PLAYS There he is.

King Charles is coming out! CROWD BOOS, CHEERS

Wooh!

CROWD GOES QUIET

Sorry.

Die!

CROWD BOOS, CHEERS

Right, here we are, the grand finale, the big chop!

Ah! Hankies ready, Alice?

Hankie ready, Sarah.

Oh, it looks like the executioner is about to do it.

THWACK, SPLODGE

I got it, I got it, I got real king's blood on my hankie!

Yeah, I got some, too!

I'm going to give this to my warty uncle Kenny

cos they say the King's blood can cure all sorts.

I've had such a lovely day!

It's not often you get to see a real live king onstage.

Or a real king dead onstage either.

BLOWS NOSE

Oh, mate.

Got a bit of king on your face.

Have I?

No, get your own!

RIP, King Charles I,

the only English king to ever be tried and executed,

he'll be sadly missed.

Although,

obviously not by a lot of the people who were fighting him.

So, who's going to rule now?

Parliament or a new king?

I mean, I am available if there's a vacancy.

CACKLES

If it is a king, the most likely candidate is King Charles's son,

who he rather originally named

Charles. Oh!

The Scots like him so much they're already calling him King Charles II.

This new Charlie even raised an army

to fight the Parliamentarian army

and their new leader, Oliver Cromwell.

It looks like we've got another massive Civil War on our hands.

But, oh, no, wait, there's been one big battle and it's over.

Charlie II's been defeated and he's on the run, just like his dad was.

Let's hope he has better luck, hmm.

Oliver Cromwell and his Parliamentarians

are now focused on the capture of the new Royalist leader,

Charles II, to put an end to the Civil War

once and for all.

This is our target, King Charles's son, Prince Charles,

crowned King Charles II by the Scots.

He's on the run and we can assume he's running

to France.

And it won't be easy to find him,

he's likely to be wearing some brilliant disguise.

Charles II is blending in seamlessly

in his disguise as a peasant.

TRYING TO SPEAK IN COCKNEY: Hello, hello, missy.

Cor, love a duck, or, erm, possibly a pheasant.

Erm, all right, cool, disguise is sorted.

Erm, shall we pop me in the royal carriage?

Ah, yes, er, no, I'm afraid we're going to have to walk

because peasants don't have carriages.

Really?

Pchhhh!

OK, guys, new intel.

Now we think he's somewhere in Shropshire,

so we need to send teams to search the houses of any

known Royalist sympathisers in the area.

Among the houses to be searched is Boscobel House,

where the King is said to be hiding.

We searched the house but there's no sign of them.

I really thought we had them this time.

BOING! Ow!

Sorry!

No problem.

Grr! Where could he be hiding?

You're doing a great job! Thank you.

He was up the oak tree for a whole day!

All they needed to do was look up,

and now I hear there's Royalist sympathisers

thinking of naming their pub The Royal Oak!

Like I need reminding.

Since the incident with the oak tree, Charles has been moving from

house to house in what has become a massive game of hide and seek.

Your Majesty, it's... it's time to move,

we're heading south for a boat to France.

Who are you talking to? Ahh!

Your Majesty, I... I thought you were hiding in the priest hole.

Yeah, but I got bored and popped out for a spot of lunch.

Have you thought about putting a harpsicord in there?

It might liven the place up a bit.

You don't think the noise might be a problem?

Yeah, true, when they're played badly they are awful.

Hmm, no, I sort of more meant that people searching for you

might be able to hear it.

Oh, yeah, right, that too.

OK, well, I'll pop on my travel crown and let's go.

Ah! Yeah, maybe let me choose the disguise, Your Majesty.

Fine.

Take off the crown.

I'm not going to take off the crown.

Although the Royalists must now accept defeat

and the Civil War is finally officially over,

Charles II has somehow managed to escape to France by boat.

Ha-ha, I'm free!

I outsmarted all you idiots.

I can finally take off this disgusting disguise.

Oh, you're the King?

Well, then, this trip will cost you 200 quid extra.

I should have seen that coming.

Seriously, cough up.

So Charles II fled to Europe, the Royalists were defeated

and we Parliamentarians

had won! CHEERING

Eventually it was decided that we needed one person

to take over as the head of the country, but definitely not as king.

And the person they decided on...

..was me!

No, no, no, no, no, not as king.

I'm... I'm not a king.

Pretty cool office, Dad.

Thank you, Richard. So what's it like being king?

Right, we've been through this, I am not the king,

I'm Lord Protector, it's very different.

No, of course.

It's just this whole palace gives me real

kingy vibes, I like it.

Huh!

Well, whatever the vibe may be,

I'm not the king.

What about your throne? Throne? I haven't got a throne.

You had one at your coronation. It wasn't a coronation.

Are you sure? I was being inaugurated as Lord Protector.

And that throne you sat on.

It wasn't a throne!

Wasn't it used during Edward I's coronation 400 years ago?

And don't kings normally sit on...

It wasn't a throne, I'm not the king!

The decorators need your colour selections for the revamp,

Your Majesty.

He's not the king. Uh, right.

I mean, er, not Your Majesty.

Why are you redecorating, Dad? Well, it's just nice

to have something different after the last person moved out.

And who was the last person

to live in Whitehall Palace before you again?

Urgh... King Charles.

Look, it's just a house, where the person who leads the country lives,

it doesn't mean I'm the king.

Ah, royal blue, good choice.

Ah.

Must be nice having staff in a palace.

A bit like being a... Don't say it!

Your sceptre is back from the menders, Your Majesty.

Oh, Your Highness.

Your Lowness?

Your Nobleness?

Squi-ahhhh! Just give it to me.

I tried. Thank you.

It's funny, with that sceptre you really look like...

..Lord Protector.

CHUCKLES

Definitely not the king.

SIGHS

I mean, it does suit me.

GLASS SMASHES, CAT SQUEALS And there you have it,

that's the story of the English Civil War -

an extraordinary time of turmoil in British history.

The only time a king has been tried and executed,

and the only time we've had a Lord Protector.

Good times!

For a while anyway.

What happened then, after I took charge?

Well, someone thought the best way to tell you about that

was to do so in a jaunty song, sung by me.

You're welcome!

Huh!

Huh!

for the cause

and reformed laws

the crown and sceptre

what we were called

"Peace Through War"

Huh!

Huh!

into 12 little bits

had to call that quits

king would be the solution

with a new constitution

death was my fate

plate

the great dictator

out a year later

Huh!

Huh!

I've been in exile

From Civil War times

and put my head on a spike

Huh!

Don't get me started!

Huh!

Right, now where's the party?