Original subtitles

fierce and toothless

teach you at school

Horrible Histories presents...

The early Middle Ages in Europe were called...

..the Dark Ages.

Ancient Greek and Roman teachings on culture and science

from centuries before had been lost,

and replaced by fighting.

It's true. We did kind of forget about all that old stuff...

..and we love a scrap.

But that's about to change in...

Italian translator Gerard of Cremona

wants to rediscover that knowledge,

and he thinks it can be found...in the East.

Do you think it's weird that while we, in the Islamic world,

looked after all the ancient Greek and Roman knowledge,

the people who were actually in Greece and Italy

just sort of forgot about it all?

All they do is fight!

Turns out the Islamic scholars kept track of everything!

It's all here in their works!

They even improved quite a lot of it.

Now, all we have to do is translate it.

And so, that work begins.

Almost 200 years later,

Italian scholar Petrarch continues the job.

I have travelled across Europe,

piecing together scraps of ancient Roman writings

to help inspire a new era of culture and creativity.

They'll call it "the Rebirth of the Ancient World."

Hmm! Or you could call it something fancy, like

"The Rebirth," but, like, in French or something.

Wait!

You mean...

"The Renaissance."

No. I cannot see that catching on.

MUSIC FADES AND SLOWS

Well, give it a chance!

It's an era that inspired great artists like Leonardo da Vinci...

Now that we have rediscovered the work of Rome and Greece,

maybe we can build on it,

creating our own ideas, our own art, plays and philosophy!

Yeah, but we can keep fighting, right?

I mean...fighting is cool!

Oh, sure!

I just had a new idea for something called A TANK!

Believe me, you can kill way more people with this.

Sweet!

..an era of mostly creative genius...

..and a whole bunch of popes!

Yes, you are right to be excited!

It's me, the artist Michelangelo,

painter, sculptor and probably the biggest star of the Renaissance.

And I am Leonardo da Vinci,

I am not just a great artist

but also an amazing inventor,

which, according to some people,

makes me the greatest Renaissance star.

What?! Who are these "some people"?

They're the cool people... ..you wouldn't know them!

Anyway, you've probably heard of my painting...

..the Mona Lisa!

Oh!

Who doesn't like that enigmatic face?!

Am I right?!

Just one of the masterpieces by the person some of the people

are calling the greatest star of the Renaissance.

Mmm... Yeah, I guess it was OK,

but not as good as painting a whole chapel.

I painted the ceiling of the famous Sistine Chapel.

It is a massive masterpiece

by probably the greatest artist of the Renaissance...

..me! Ooh, a ceiling.

So, in a way, you're more of a kind of painter-decorator than an artist.

DA VINCI SCOFFS Very funny.

CHORAL MUSIC

PAINT PLOPS Argh!

That's it, I've had enough!

Stupid ceiling!

Pope Julius! Michelangelo. MICHELANGELO GROWLS

OK, I'm sensing a vibe.

I was hoping giving you the job of painting the ceiling

of the Sistine Chapel would be fun.

You are very good at painting!

HE FORCES A LAUGH

Fun?!

You think painting the ceiling is fun?!

HE FORCES A LAUGH

Well, I've written a little poem

about just how much fun I've been having!

HE BREATHES SHARPLY, BASS PLAYS

I've already grown a goitre from this torture,

hunched up here like a cat in Lombardy.

Meow!

My stomach's squashed under my chin,

my beard's pointing at heaven,

my brain's crushed in a casket,

my breast twists like a harpy's.

Sorry, what's a harpy?

It's a... Well, it's kind of like a woman, but with a bird's body

and wings... It doesn't matter!

JAZZY SNARE ROLL

My brush, above me all the time,

dribbles paint so my face makes a fine floor for droppings,

because I'm stuck...like...this!

Aw, but that ceiling looks fantastic!

No! JAZZY TUNE KICKS IN

Anyone shoots badly through a crooked blowpipe.

HE BLOWS HARSHLY

My painting is dead.

Defend it for me...

..defend my honour!

I am not in the right place...

..I am not a painter!

I don't know about that.

You're certainly more of a painter than you are a poet,

am I right? Eh?

Oh, no. That's very dirty.

MICHELANGELO GROWLS

You know, the fact that painting the Sistine Chapel

was difficult for you,

it makes me sad.

Oh...thank you.

Sad that I wasn't there to see you struggle!

DA VINCI LAUGHS AND WHOOPS

But seriously...

..being an artist in the Renaissance was pretty challenging.

We started using techniques like perspective again,

and it all really changed how we showed the world...

..and the human body.

Now, all these changes made our work much more realistic

and detailed than before.

Like my sculpture, the statue of David.

Or my Vitruvian Man.

OK, I have finished my extremely lifelike painting of you.

Brilliant!

I cannot wait to...

DA VINCI MOANS, MICHELANGELO LAUGHS

It's the poo emoji!

DA VINCI GRUMBLES

CHORAL MUSIC

POPE HUMS

Just going about business.

Oh, hi Raphael.

Ah. Come on, guys, let's give him some space, shall we?

He's painting a lovely fresco for me.

I'm Pope Julius II. This is my palace and you'll do what I say!

Right! Remember, Your Excellency, it's just a painting!

POPE THUDS Ooh!

Every single day.

Come on, let's get you up.

Who put that window there?

Your Excellency, we talked about this yesterday,

it's just a painting.

I painted it using a technique called perspective.

It tries to copy how people and buildings look in real life.

All of that is just a painting.

All a painting?

That is fascinating, Raphael.

Uh...

..you've got a bit of the philosopher Aristotle on your face.

Here? Other side.

Oh.

It's really very simple, Your Holiness.

Perspective is a way of showing the relative distances of objects

and making a flat image look three-dimensional,

using mathematical techniques developed by the Greeks and Romans

which we've recently rediscovered.

You lost me on "simple".

OK.

You know how people further away look smaller?

Some people who are further away ARE smaller.

I know this bishop from the south of France. He's tiny!

Yeah, definitely!

But I mean people you can see.

Let me show you.

Ooh, look!

I'm getting smaller as I get further away.

Ah! You see?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you are getting smaller.

Like those people there. RAPHAEL LAUGHS

Again, that's just a painting!

Yes, I see.

So...

..using perspective,

we can create the illusion of things being FURTHER away.

Oh, it's an illusion!

You are so clever with that. That's brilliant!

Your Holiness, you actually understand it?

Completely. Great.

I'm going to hang out with that bald guy there. He seems cool.

Say I said hi. I will.

It's the Pope! Hey, how's it going?!

HE GROANS Pope down.

Hi, I'm William Shakespeare,

and during the late Renaissance period,

I wrote my world-famous plays and poems.

Probably not.

It's not working. I'll have to start again.

So, it wasn't just in Italy that great artists and writers

were at work during the Renaissance,

but where did I set 15 of my brilliant plays?

Was it A - London...

..B - Italy...

..or C - America?

The answer is B - Italy.

Well, I might be writing in England,

but setting plays in Italy makes them sound extra cool and exciting.

Now...

..back to the love poems.

LIQUID POURS LOUDLY

I know what you're thinking...

..it's a gift.

So, the Renaissance was happening all over the world,

and even writers in England were getting creative.

But the Renaissance wasn't just about the arts.

Some people were becoming very rich...and very powerful.

Which was lucky for us,

because one way of showing off how much money you had

was to commission art.

CASH REGISTER TINGS And in Italy,

the super-rich Medici family were paying us artists for A LOT of art!

CASH REGISTER TINGS FRANTICALLY Oh, I like them a lot!

So much Medici love in this room!

The Medicis became so rich that they had their own bank,

which isn't like the kind of bank you might know.

In the Renaissance Medici bank,

you could go in and borrow much more...

BOTH: Than just money.

Let me do it.

We could do it together?

No.

I'm really excited to be working at the Medici family bank, Mr Giovanni.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Um... Of course we're much the same as the dozens of other

family banks in Florence,

only we're bigger and we try to find our clients

some of the specialist items they require.

Is that the Pope?!

Your Holiness, how are you today?

Oh, excellent! Yes.

Thank you for handling my new tapestry.

It's a bit bigger than I thought, though.

HE GRUNTS

Yes, should have sent for a cart!

Well, buy whatever you want, Your Holiness.

Ooh! After all,

he does let us look after his money and collect his taxes,

which means ka-ching... Ooh! ..for us Medicis.

Wow, I can't believe that Pope John XXIII is one of your clients!

Yeah, it doesn't hurt to have customers

who are that rich and powerful.

Where shall I put this box of saints' toes?

Uh, over there on the shelf between the fingers and the jars of tears.

OK.

You sell toes and fingers of saints?

Yep...but they'll cost you an arm and a leg!

No, it was a joke. Joking.

The arms and legs actually cost much more than that.

We provide everything from painted wooden panels from Antwerp

to, uh... Oh, wow! ..choir boys!

CHOIR BOYS SING HIGH NOTE

Yeah... Uh, not now, please, guys.

Wow, banking is really different to what I was expecting.

Yeah. What's the weirdest thing one of your clients

have asked you to find?

Geraldo.

And what...what does Geraldo do?

Well, licks the ceiling mostly.

Yeah, Geraldo's my name for our giraffe.

GERALDO GRUNTS

In fact, someone's coming to pick him up soon,

so, uh...

..just scrub out his stall, and then when you're done with that,

maybe you can help with counting the money.

After all, this is still a bank.

Thank you so much for this opportunity, Mr Giovanni.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no...

..any time. GERALDO GROANS

GERALDO TRUMPS, POO SLOSHES

Ooh...

Think you're going to need a bigger bucket.

GERALDO GROANS, POO SLOSHES

Ciao, it's-a me, Catherine de' Medici,

daughter of Italy, Queen of France,

back with another Medici Teaches Mum Hacks.

Hashtag...

..cos I'm just-a like-a you!

HORN BLARES, COINS TINKLE

Anyways! MAID SCREAMS

Be careful with my crowns!

Today we are talking about something that all we mammas struggle with,

what to do when you are worried about your family

keeping its power in European politics.

Eloise! ELOISE GASPS

So, what you have to do is take one of your kids,

a boy or a girl,

I'm using my son, Francis,

and my daughter...

BUZZER BLARES ..Elisabeth,

but any prince or princess you have lying around will do.

And you simply marry them off

to the king or a queen of another country!

So, you see, Elisabeth has married King Philip of Spain...

SPANISH GUITAR STRUMS

..and Francis has married Mary, Queen of Scots.

BAGPIPES SKIRL

And just-a like that,

that's two countries added to your list of political allies.

Eloise! I don't know why...

..more people don't marry their kids off to monarchs for political gain.

And so, join me next time when,

here on Medici Teaches Mum Hacks,

I will be showing you how to make a bed

with only three servants to help you.

And when one of them is absolutely useless.

Be careful, Eloise!

Don't forget to like and-a subscribe.

CROW CAWS, POPE GROANS

Help! The Pope needs a doctor!

Oh, no. I came as soon as I heard.

Tell me, what's the matter?

He's got a very sore trunk!

I'm sorry, did you say the Pope has a sore trunk?

Not me, my elephant.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

HE YELLS

I'm sorry, I thought I was here to treat the Pope.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

No! You're here to treat Hanno, my darling elephant,

gifted to me by the King of Portugal himself.

HANNO TRUMPETS

But...I'm a human doctor.

POPE CHUCKLES Hanno is better than a human.

He does tricks for the people in the Vatican.

Show him, Hanno!

HANNO TRUMPETS, POPE CHUCKLES

Yes!

So good!

Is...that it?

HE GRUNTS

Nope, he also does that.

You must save him, doctor!

He's one of my favourite exotic pets!

Uh, how many exotic pets do you have?

Oh... One or two. Hmm, well,

if it was a person, I'd test his urine.

So...let's start there.

Yeah, you're going to need a larger jug.

Oh... Poor Hanno. I think he's backed up.

He hasn't pooped for days.

HANNO TRUMPETS Ah, well, I can help there.

I'll give him a laxative,

a medicine to help him poo.

Hmm, it's one or two pills for people,

but for an elephant... Oh, better safe than sorry.

No, Your Holiness! That's too many!

Those laxatives act fast!

Oopsie.

HANNO'S STOMACH RUMBLES

HANNO TRUMPS AND TRUMPETS

Oh...

POPE YELLS Move, move, move!

HANNO'S STOMACH RUMBLES

HANNO TRUMPS AND TRUMPETS

POO SLOSHES, POPE GASPS

Will he be OK, doctor?

Well, the smell will be bad

and you'll need to throw away his clothes,

but if you hose him down,

you'll be able to see his face again.

Ugh... I meant the elephant.

Oh, I see.

Well, he does seem happier.

HANNO TRUMPS AND TRUMPETS Ooh!

Better stay up this end, though,

just in case.

HANNO TRUMPS AND TRUMPETS

HE SIGHS

Hey, Leonardo, I think elephants are really cool.

You know why? No, why?

Because they have...

..ear conditioning!

BADUM-TISH!

Ay-oh!

MICHELANGELO LAUGHS

You know? Ear like "air," so it's cool.

That elephant joke would be best locked...

..in a trunk. BADUM-TISH!

DA VINCI WHEEZES

That is so good.

During the Renaissance here in Italy,

how you presented yourself was hugely important.

There were even books that even tell you how to behave,

like Castiglione's Book of the Courtier.

One of the things that the book tried to teach

was the art of being amazing at everything...

..while appearing not to put in any effort.

An effect they called "sprezzatura".

Are you interested in learning

the exciting new Renaissance way of behaving called sprezzatura?

Yes. Are you prepared to work hard?

Yes. Do you care how hard people know you work?

Yes, of course. Then you have failed...

..The first test of sprezzatura!

Wait, what...? What just happened?

Walk with me.

Sprezzatura...

..the art of being awesome...

..while looking like you're making no effort whatsoever.

What, this? Pfft...

..it's nothing. Took me, like, five minutes.

He's got...

How long did it really take?

Months!

I can hardly feel my hands!

TING!

Sprezzatura...

..is the perfect attitude to have

if you want to look good in the Renaissance.

I guess I'll just do...

..this...or something?

THEY GASP Oh!

Oh! Is that check mate?

HE WHIMPERS I don't know,

I've never really played before.

She's got...

CHESS PLAYER WEEPS LOUDLY

HE hasn't.

How long did it really take for you to learn this game?

I haven't slept for four years.

I'm so tired!

I may be dreaming right now.

TING!

So, are you interested in learning

the exciting new Renaissance way of behaving?

I will study your book...

..night and day. And, uh, what are you going to tell the people?

"I never even opened the book,

"I just use it as toilet paper."

Finally, you got...

I'm joined by the man of the hour,

legendary Italian Renaissance painter...

..Caravaggio.

Now, Cara, you're best known for works like

Death of a Virgin and Bacchus,

but today's been all about tennis.

And what an extraordinary match you've just had

with a young Italian called Ranuccio Tommasoni.

Yeah, well, look, I feel like I've been in a battle, all right,

um, but a win's a win.

I've got to give it to the lad, Tommasoni...

HE SNIFFS ..put up a great fight,

but it just wasn't his day out there on the tennis courts.

Look, Cara, we are going to have to talk about

what happened out there today.

What happened? Are you talking about that rally in the first set?

Look, the ball looked out to me,

but these things happen in the game...

No, no, I'm talking about where you argued, took our your sword,

and started fighting with Tommasoni.

Look, I'm a Renaissance artist,

passions always run high with me, Crissy.

But at the end of the day, I feel like we can just sit down

and have a drink and shake hands afterwards.

Well, you can't.

He's dead.

Well, look, it was a close match.

He drew his sword too, got me with a good one actually...

..but that's tennis.

We had a bit of a disagreement during the match,

a few harsh words were spoken,

so naturally, I just drew my sword and I killed him.

It happens all the time.

But at the end of the day,

I'm here to talk about a great game of tennis,

and potentially even a rematch.

Well, maybe not. Well, rematch or not,

there are a couple of soldiers just over there

that'd like to talk to you about the murder,

so, uh, good luck with that.

Oh, cripes. Oi! Come here, you! Ooh!

Nearly forgot me sword.

See you later, Crissy.

Caravaggio was one of the bad boys of the Italian Renaissance.

Bad boy!

But the good news for him

is he's not remembered for tennis or murder,

but for art,

and that's why we're here, guys.

Yes, it's all about the art for us.

And that's good,

because it's fair to say that we created a lot of the best stuff.

Like...

..my Mona Lisa!

Painting brush drop!

I mean, it's good, but what's going on with her face?

Is that a smile or not?

It's a half smile, for the last time!

I'm not surprised, she was probably furious

when she found out it was you painting her!

People liked me painting them!

I was brilliant at it!

People, animals...

..people holding animals.

Were the animals smiling weirdly too?

Oh!

So, Leonardo, in this painting,

I want to look noble, kind, a little bit regal,

and really, really fit.

Well, Cecilia, it will not be difficult.

You are a sweetie.

No, I mean it will not be difficult for me because I'm a genius.

For anyone else it would be a nightmare,

because you possess none of these features.

Oh...charming.

So, for this painting, I'm thinking that we get you to hold something,

to spice it up a little bit!

Ooh, nice! Like what?

What do you think about...

..cow's eyeball?

Ugh, that's disgusting!

Well...got lots of other bits of cow if you think they'd be better.

What you got all them bits for?!

Because I dissect cows.

And I dissect monkeys, birds, frogs, sheep, bears.

It's so I can see how they move, and I can paint them better.

What about a monkey tongue?!

No! I don't want to be painted holding all them bits!

It'll create the wrong impression.

People will think I'm a farmer!

LEONARDO GASPS I know...

..I'm going to paint you inside of a sheep,

surrounded by its guts!

You what, now? I think I could get you right in there, too!

I once inflated a sheep's guts to the size of a room!

CECILIA YELPS Ah, sorry, it's, um...

..bit slippery. HE LAUGHS

What about...a dragon?

Oh, you've got a dragon, have you? Well, no.

I, uh, sewed some wings to a lizard so it looked like a dragon.

But it's escaped. Ah!

Well, I'm not surprised. You're nasty.

ERMINE TRILLS Oh! What about an ermine?

Pfft! Ermine?!

What, a stupid long white rat thing?!

How's that better than a dragon?

It's real, and we haven't lost it. ERMINE TRILLS

ERMINE CHOMPS, LEONARDO YELPS

You make a strong argument.

And anyway, it's not a rat, it's like a small white otter.

It's regal, innit?

LEONARDO CHUCKLES It's also the symbol

that you might be pregnant,

so it'll create an air of scandal and mystery.

I like it!

Let's do it! There's just one problem...

Oh, what's that, then? The ermine has escaped

and is presently climbing up my trouser leg.

ERMINE CHOMPS, LEONARDO SQUEALS

LEONARDO SCREAMS, ERMINE TRILLS

LEONARDO GIGGLES Ooh, it's a wriggly one!

Hi, I'm Henry VIII, King of England, and royal Renaissance cool dude!

Now, a top-drawer Renaissance king like me needs to look the part,

so I made the famous artist Hans Holbein

my own personal court painter.

He's painting me right...now.

Try and keep still, Your Majesty.

You'll keep still when you've got no head.

Feel free to move around, Your Majesty.

Yeah...

Well, I'm in the market for a wife again.

Wife number four, and this one will be a keeper.

So tell me, how is Hans Holbein over there helping me with the search?

Is it A - he's painted a picture of me that's so handsome

a dog licked it? DOG WOOFS

B - he's dressing up as me

and going on blind dates on my behalf?

Or C - he's been travelling Europe painting all the princesses

and duchesses so I can have a look at all my options?

The answer is C,

he's been painting all the princesses.

Yeah, and, uh, I've got a bunch of them here.

No. HE LAUGHS

HE SQUEAKS Maybe...maybe.

Wow! Gorgeous!

We have got a winner!

Uh...that's you, Your Majesty.

Oh?!

So it is!

Ooft, rugged devil.

Right, well I guess we'll go with the...

..the maybe, then.

Anne of Cleves, my fourth and final wife.

Probably.

I mean, that's kind of a weird use of art,

but...OK.

Well, that's the Renaissance.

An explosion of ideas and creativity in everything from science

to politics, to money, to thinking.

And of course...

..to art.

People's paintings, drawings and sculptures

became more realistic than before,

more flamboyant than before.

And in our case,

just more brilliant than before.

To finish with, here is what just might be our greatest work ever,

a song about how amazing we were.

To use the language of the Renaissance...

..it's a proper banger.

PIANO HAT

I try to picture the art

before changes began

just as they stand

from Rome and Greece

we'd not had before

paintings and more

that Florence is the place

true artists created visions

to bling the Vatican

to cover all the bums

to make art

to make the right body

make these people look 3D

our backgrounds come alive

and oil paint brings it to life

your paintings moved me to tears.

Mm.

MICHELANGELO LAUGHS

LEONARDO SINGS NOTE

Held the last note a bit longer than you.

People, animals, holy things, animals, you name!

CREW LAUGHS

Ooh, don't have one of them yet.

CREW LAUGHS

We're not here for a party.

SHE SNEEZES

Sorry! CREW LAUGHS

And what an incredible match you had out there with young Italian...

..Thomas...help.

CREW LAUGHS

Ooh! HE LAUGHS

Ooh!

Ooh...ooh!

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

CREW LAUGHS

Aha!

Sorry, I'm a little bit confused by what was happening out there. Yeah.

And when I get out, I want you to take my body...

Of course, Father. FATHER BREATHES DEEPLY

..and boil it until the flesh comes off.

They're loving this.

I'm making what it feels like to be going on a date with a god.

HE MUMBLES, CREW LAUGHS

It's hard for us to be promoted!

We...we...we...we...we...