Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

Home sweet home!

Of course, your home's probably different to mine.

TOILET FLUSHES Ugh! It'll certainly smell better.

And I expect now and again you get visitors.

I don't get many down here.

I mean, I do get the odd visitor.

Then, they'd have to be odd to visit someone in a sewer!

DRUM STING Heh, heh, heh. Anyway, back when she

was Queen, Elizabeth I liked to visit people.

She'd go and stay in other people's homes all over the country

during the summer, whether they wanted her there or not. Mm-mm.

Queen Elizabeth is here.

You are honoured with a visit on her seasonal tour of the country.

Ah, she's here.

Don't answer the door! Ugh! Ahh! Gah!

What are you doing? It's the Queen! Yes.

We can't let her stay with us. Why not?

Because I have just learned that Sir Robert Dudley nearly went

bankrupt when she stayed with him.

He put on fireworks, hunting, dancing, and he had to build

her her own pleasure gardens and apartments.

Her own apartments? Yes! She stayed for nearly three weeks.

Well, we've already built our extension.

We may as well use it. Mm-mm. No, don't!

OBJECTS BREAKING Oh. Excuse me? The Queen is here

and she has been waiting a while now.

No, no, no. No, no. No! Gahhh!

The Queen has 300 courtiers.

We simply can't afford to have them stay.

But if the Queen enjoys her stay, it could open some doors for us.

Yes, she'll stay even longer and it'll open the doors

to the debtors' prison!

It's...the...Queen! Oww! OBJECTS BREAKING

We can't just leave her outside!

Ahh! Don't! Yah!

Ahh! Ahh!

She stole all of Sir John Puckering's silverware.

OBJECTS BREAKING, HE GRUNTS

Ooh!

Do you submit? I yield. OK!

RELIEVED: Ahh. Ahh!

Tell them it's me. It's me! No, the Queen! Oh, it's the Queen! Oh.

If we don't let her in, we could be accused of treason.

And that could mean she cuts off our... Privileges?!

No, heads.

Yeah, that is way worse.

They clearly haven't heard us. You'll just have to break the door down.

I need a royal wee. Come on!

OK, fine. I suppose it's not for long.

Right. It can't be that bad.

Open up in the name of the Queeeee...

CRASH Oww. Ooh, what lovely silverware.

Put it in the bag.

Now, where am I sleeping?

WHISPERS: Put that back!

Elsie, there will be a lot of important guests and tradespeople

for the ball, so your duties as maid

have been extended today. Yes, sir. Mm-mm. Thank you, sir.

Where do you want these, sir?

In the dining room, Jones, and please be careful not to...

Whoa! Whoa. PLATES CRASH, CAT MEOWS

Clear it up, Jones! There's much to do today.

Give us a second. Now, as head butler,

I shall be dealing with any visitors at the door,

but you should learn the different knocks in case I'm unavailable.

Yes, sir. S-Sorry, sir, did you say different knocks?

Yes, I would leave it with Jones, the under-butler, but he gets a bit

flustered answering the door.

I just spotted this fellow trying to push his way through the wall.

When I grabbed him, his head fell off.

As you can see, he's not the shiniest of spoons

in the cutlery drawer.

Now, the number, the volume and rhythm of the knocks

is an established system.

I mean, how else would you know who's on the other side?

Perhaps you could open the door, sir.

P-Please. Ha, ha. You've got a lot to learn.

One must know who's there, so one knows how quickly

to open the door and in what manner. Now, pay attention.

One light knock is for tradesmen, servants or beggars.

Two knocks is for someone here on business.

Two for on business.

Three knocks is for the master

of the house or frequent visitors.

It's very complicated, isn't it, sir?

FOUR KNOCKS ON TABLE Four knocks is for someone

of high standing in society, but below the nobility.

EIGHT KNOCKS ON TABLE

JONES WHIMPERS Four firm knocks twice

for lord or lady.

Lord or lady. Yes, Elsie. Oh, I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.

I mean, as long as I get it vaguely right.

REVERBERATING: No!

Precision is everything.

A servant will be instantly dismissed

if they get it wrong, Elsie.

ONE KNOCK Perfect test, a single knock.

TWO KNOCKS Oh, two knocks! A... A businessman.

THREE KNOCKS The Master's home.

EIGHT KNOCKS Two groups of four.

A baron or an earl.

NINE KNOCKS Ooh! An earl with the postman.

15 KNOCKS

41 milkmen and a woodpecker? There can only be one explanation.

The King himself is here!

HE CRIES OUT

Your Majesty.

Um... Sir? Oh!

Hope I... Hope I didn't disturb you, sir.

I was just trying to fix the knocker. Jones!

DOG WHIMPERS, BARKS

Protecting your home is important,

and we Georgians loved a bit of home security.

In fact, we even had a time of day called "shutting in".

That was the time between sunset and bedtime

when we'd lock up the house.

But tell me, which of these things did we actually do at night-time

to keep our house secure?

Did we...

The answer is...

..A, B AND C. I told you we loved a bit of home security.

Isn't that right, John?

Yes, ma'am. We did.

Are we looking secure, John? I have no idea, ma'am.

All I can see is a bit of an old door and some carpet.

Any chance of a pillow? Shh!

WHISPERS: You're supposed to be a silent alarm. Ah.

During King James I's reign, people could get some seriously

unwanted guests in their homes in the form of priest hunters.

The King had banned practising Catholicism, so people went

to great lengths to hide their Catholic belongings and even

priests, like me, inside their homes. KNOCK ON DOOR

WHISPERS: Oh, no! The priest hunters are here. Hide!

Pretend you didn't see me.

PRIEST GASPS Miss Vaux, since the Catholic plot

to kill the King, it's become more important than ever

for we priest hunters to hunt for hidden priests.

PRIEST GASPS Well, you won't find any Catholic

priests hiding in my home. Ooh.

My sisters and I are law-abiding Protestant folk.

Ahem.

We even have a Protestant prayer book on the shelf.

HE GASPS, SHE GASPS

Please allow me to show you any part of the house other than this.

That was close.

I think I soiled my robes. Eugh.

CANDLESTICK PRIEST: Oh!

The priests have all been ordered

out of the country... SHE GASPS, PRIEST GROANS

..but I think there may be one or two left.

It's so hard to believe! Oh.

Well, all this searching

must be tiring. Why don't we...

..sit here and light the fire?

No! No! Ooh.

I think I heard a priest.

What? Where? There. Under the creaky floorboard.

Hmm. WHISPERS: Go, go!

PRIEST GROANS, ANNE GASPS

There are little priesties hiding

in this house. I can feel it.

Methinks it's time for a change of tack.

CLEARS THROAT All right. Well, that's it.

Looks like there are no priests or Catholics here after all,

so I'll leave. Bye for now.

I guess if there's anyone hiding, it'll be safe to come out

when they hear the door shut.

Don't! Hmm?

Aha! CAT MEOWS

Oh. Well, I guess that settles it.

Anne Vaux, I clear you of suspicion.

Quite right, too. SHE LAUGHS

SHE SIGHS Now, which is the way out?

Down the stairs to the left.

Uhh... Oh! Thanks. That's very helpful.

SHE GROWLS

Welcome to my favourite place in the home...

TOILET FLUSHES ..the bathroom.

Heh, heh, heh. Bathrooms are a place

where amazing things can happen.

HE FARTS Ooh! Heh, no. Not that.

I mean, with bathroom innovations.

Famous author Charles Dickens was a big fan of home modernisation

and actually had a new bit of technology installed in his bathroom.

Mind you, his family weren't so sure about it.

SOMEONE SCREAMS

METAL CLINKS Mother.

It's happening again.

He promised we were free of it. MARY GASPS

SOMEONE SCREAMS

My God . W-We must. It's the only way.

CLINKING CONTINUES It's like it's in the walls.

It has to end, Mary.

It has to end!

UNSTEADILY: Ohh...

NARRATOR: Starring acclaimed author, Charles Dickens.

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMS

Hello, dears! Just having a shower. MARY GASPS

Though I do wish

you would stop calling it that. It's just a shower.

HE YELPS Oh! A bit chilly. Hah.

Well, better freezing cold

than pleasantly warm.

Daddy, no.

Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

We're so lucky to be one of the first houses in London

to have a shower.

It's the noise...

SHRIEKING: Whew! ..and the screaming.

Yeah, the screaming's actually really annoying, Dad.

There is no shower like the demon. That is my creed.

There is but one sea, and the demon is its showerer.

BOTH: Ahh! No. Stop it! No, no! THEY YELP

In the shower,

everyone will hear you scream. Ah! Ho-ho!

Ahh, oh! KING FARTS

KING MOANS Really doesn't want to shift today.

I said... Yes, I heard, Your Majesty. Pff.

HIGH-PITCHED FART Oh, ah! It's just air.

Ugh, it's all that meat I ate.

Perhaps the new cushion is affecting your...

KING FARTS LOUDLY Oh. Oh!

..performance, Majesty.

KING CONTINUES FARTING Don't think so, Norris. Huh!

This swansdown toilet cushion

is super soft, like pooing through a cloud.

KING FARTS AND GIGGLES You should get one fitted

to your private toilet. I don't have a private toilet,

Your Majesty. Ha, ha, ha! KING FARTS

Oh, I forgot.

I have a private toilet

because I'm the King and you... KING FARTS

What is your job again?

I'm Groom of the Stool, Your Majesty.

I'm responsible for your personal hygiene and...

KING FARTS ..toilet.

Yeah, well, you're not doing a very good job, are you?

KING FARTS LOUDLY It's still stuck!

Why don't you just try and relax, Your Majesty?

Think of something that calms you.

Where do people like you go to the... KING FARTS

..toilet? Well, many of the courtiers and servers simply use

the Great House of Easement, which can seat up to 14.

KING FARTS What, that big, stinky block

all the way down by the moat?

Yes, Your Majesty.

What do you do when you just need a tinkle?

Oh, many just tinkle against a wall.

Yes, I've heard about that.

It's a disgusting practice. KING FARTS LOUDLY

I've had my people draw crosses on the walls.

No-one would pee on a religious symbol.

Oh, those are religious crosses!

I thought they were just targets to aim for

when you... Well, they're not. You know, like in archery.

Archery! KING POOS

Ah! Ohhhh. I think that shifted it, Norris.

I never feel more relaxed

than when I'm down on the archery range.

KING FARTS Now, good man. OK. Wipey, wipey.

And be thorough. This archer's taken a wide aim.

Is something the matter, Norris?

I mean, you can quit this job whenever you'd like.

On the contrary, Your Majesty.

HE CHUCKLES This is one of the most sought after

jobs in the kingdom.

Personal time with our King is rare and precious.

True. It's why everyone likes playing tennis with me, too.

KING FARTS Oh. I think tennis might work too,

Norris. Henry to serve! KING POOS

My word.

Ohhhhh... KING FARTS

Ooh.

After you've finished in the bathroom, it should be time to go

to bed and chillax.

But bedtime hasn't always been relaxing.

There were times in history when not only did you have to share your bed

with the rest of the family, you sometimes had to bunk-up

with passing strangers too.

And that meant a strict set of rules or bed etiquette.

OTHERS: Go back to bed!

Sorry.

Goodnight, Husband. Goodnight, Wife.

Goodnight, English tailor who we just met this afternoon.

Can I just say, I really appreciate you guys letting me stay in your bed

while I'm passing through your village.

Oh. Ho-ho! Don't mention it!

In this family, we believe in bed etiquette. Absolutely.

I love a good pig. Hmm? Huh?

That's what we call sleeping in a bed with one or more people,

in England - pigging.

Oh! Oh, right. PIG SQUEALS

Oh. I see you have a guard pig.

That should keep us safe. Oh, yes.

She protects us from thieves

and keeps us warm. Fair enough.

Well, goodnight.

PIG SQUEALS Mother, Father,

I'm staying in the village tonight. Any chance I can sleep here?

BOTH SIGH Fine, Son.

You get up and let our son get in between you and I. What?

Can't he just go on the end? Certainly not.

Around here, we have a strict order to sharing a bed.

A stranger is closest to the door,

then goes the sons in order of age,

and the father and the mother.

In this family, we adhere to bed etiquette.

Bed etiquette. Bed Etiquette.

BOTH: Goodnight.

DOOR OPENS, PIG SQUEALS Mother, Father,

is there room in here for one more? Oh, OK. Everybody out.

W-Wait! Can't she just go between me and your son?

Certainly not. Oh, no, no, no!

And the daughter.

Daughters go behind the mother in order of age,

in the position furthest from the door.

It's basic bad etiquette. Bed etiquette.

CHILDREN: Bed etiquette.

Please tell me you only have two children.

Oh, no. We have another.

She's away working in a mill in Dublin. Oh, yeah.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

DOOR OPENS, PIG SQUEALS

Oh. Guess who's mill closed down? I need a place to stay.

Yes, yes. Bed etiquette. OTHERS: Bed etiquette.

THEY CHATTER

Here we are. Here we go. Close it up.

Cosy. Goodnight, Mother.

Goodnight, Father.

TAILOR FARTS Oh, terribly sorry.

What does the bed etiquette say about that?

Nothing. Bad etiquette.

OTHERS: Bad etiquette!

Oh, what have you been eating, Tailor?

I suppose that's one way of keeping the bed warm. Heh, heh, heh.

In the earliest homes, people kept some weird stuff under their beds.

And I'm not talking about those smelly socks and manky old bowls

of half-eaten cereal you've got under yours.

There are some beds even I wouldn't want to look under.

A place called Catalhoyuk in modern-day Turkey was one of the

first mass settlements in the world where lots of people lived together

in one place. And the houses back then had a few

surprising design features. Mm-mm.

This place is amazing.

I've never seen anything like it.

Aw, here we go again.

More tourists.

So many houses! But how do you get in?

And three, two, one...

CRASH Ahh! Ow. Make yourself at home.

Sorry about that.

You'll never guess what happened.

You live in the country.

You heard of a new thing called a town,

so you decided to come and have a look.

You found the houses, but you couldn't find the door,

so you climbed to the top of the roof to get a better look.

Then you fell through a hole. Oh, wow. Good guess.

Look, it's very simple.

We use the holes in the roof to get in and out of our homes.

We use the ladder, but falling through works too.

Oh, this town thing of yours is amazing.

5,000 people or more all...

Oowaaah, skull!

Please don't kill me. I'm not going to kill you.

I'm just making the bed.

Out of skulls? O-O-OK.

I'm just going to say goodbye. The bed isn't made of skulls!

We just bury the skulls underneath,

along with the bodies.

Why are there bodies under the bed?

You wouldn't want to just leave them lying

around, would you? R-Right, yeah.

We also stick skulls in the hall. Ah!

It's nice to have something cheery to look at.

Well, it's certainly grinning.

H-Have you not thought about just bashing a hole in the wall?

Then you could see outside! Once we accidentally bashed a hole

into the wall. But the houses are so packed together,

you just see the neighbours. Can you please keep the noise down?

I can barely hear myself bury bodies under the floor.

Erm, you have a lovely town! Right,

I'm going to go and find my friend.

CRASH Whoooa... Ooh! Ooh, here he is!

All right. We've had enough of this.

We're moving. SHE GRUNTS

Oh, no. We'd better get out of here. Why?

Because sometimes when people leave houses here,

they burn the old ones down.

Head for the emergency exit!

Where's the emergency...? Oh, it's the hole in the roof,

isn't it? Ooh! Oh. Hold that!

Right. After me, I'm your guest.

Welcome to A Place In History, where I find dream properties

from the past for people from now.

This week, it's Fiona and Michael.

They're two teachers from Swindon,

and they're looking for a simpler life.

Well, it doesn't get much simpler than this.

RECORD SCRATCH An Iron Age roundhouse.

So, guys, first impressions?

It's traditional. It's detached.

Is it made from sustainable materials?

Yes! It's made from wattle and daub, which is basically mud, straw

and cow poo. COW MOOS

Did he just say...? Let's go inside.

Ow! Oh!

As you can see, this Iron Age roundhouse has been equipped

with a low front doorway.

Yeah, no, I got that.

So, is this the hall? This is the dining room.

Can we see the kitchen? Right this way.

So this is the kitchen as well?

Yes, this is the kitchen-diner,

great for entertaining!

Right. Bedroom?

You're standing in it!

What are the neighbours like?

They're pigs! Oh, no, not very tolerant or...?

No, they're literally pigs, and there are cows on the other side.

And when it's cold, they all come inside for warmth.

Does it have central heating?

Yes, it's located in the middle of the house.

It doesn't get more central than that!

Gas? Only when the cows come inside.

Please don't tell me that this is the toilet, too.

Oh, no! It has an outside toilet.

By which I mean, you have to go to the toilet outside,

anywhere you like. I'm sorry, what?

Don't worry! You'll never smell it over the pong of the midden.

That's the big pile of village rubbish that this property has

unusually close access to.

Ow! Oh, my head!

Watch out for the low-hanging doorway.

Yeah, that was a bit late for that.

SQUELCH! Oh, I've slipped in the midden!

It seems like this Iron Age roundhouse was a bit too traditional

for this week's home-hunters.

Oh, it's in my nostril!

Next week, Hattie and Steve are looking for a quiet home in York.

SCREAMING

No-one mention the noisy neighbours!

Aaarghh!

Here on A Place In History.

Often, people like to do a bit of home improvement by decorating

where they live or even making it bigger.

Mind you, there have been times in the past when home improvements

weren't "improvements" at all.

They actually made things quite dangerous.

Ooh!

And this is the new sitting room.

LADY GASPS Wonderful wallpaper.

It's so...green.

Is it Scheele's Green?

We have it in our bedroom, it's all the rage.

Yes, the only thing greener than the wallpaper

is our neighbour's envy.

THEY LAUGH

THEIR STOMACHS GROWL

I wanted Scheele's Green in the library,

but Hans read in one of his German newspapers

that it contains arsenic.

So? Well, it can make you ill and give you a dodgy tummy.

Nonsense!

If arsenic was poisonous,

would dear Dr Appleby have Scheele's Green wallpaper

throughout his house?

Oh, yes, how is the young doctor?

Died, last week. So sad.

Lucky I won't be needing him, I've never felt bett...

STOMACH GROWLS Prrrp!

Sorry, I'll just pop to the chamber pot.

STOMACH GROWLS, FARTING Oh!

FARTING CONTINUES It's coming out of me like soup!

FARTING Oh! Oh!

'Course, I do get a little queasy during the daytime, but

SCREAMING AND PLOPPING then once I retire to my bedroom,

I'm absolutely fine.

Strange.

I feel absolutely fine in my sitting room all day,

and a little peculiar when I retire to the bedroom.

Excuse me.

LOUD VOMITING

Hmm, wait!

Georgiana feels unwell when she's in her sitting room

and Emma feels unwell when she's in her bedroom,

and those are the rooms with the Scheele's Green wallpaper.

You know, I'm beginning to think I might know why we're feeling ill.

Yes? Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Yes?

We pass through slums on our way here.

We all know how nasty smells can make one ill.

Yes, of course, the slums!

Well, at least we knew it's nice and clean in here.

RETCHING AND VOMITING

LOUD FARTING It really is lovely wallpaper.

# Loo man, Loo man, the living toilet who ran

# From the Middle Ages with a bucket over who can

# Have a poo in a private place

# Sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face

# And bum

# And when you're done

# I will judge depending if you did a two or one

# Loo Man! #

Please welcome today's historical figure who really needs the loo...

..it's Louis XV!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Zut alors!

Greetings, friend.

Louis XV, King of France,

do you have a baguette knocking on the back door of the bakery?

LAUGHTER Well, yes.

In which case, it's time for...

..Plop Quiz!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, answer questions one and two, and I'll let you do a...

AUDIENCE: Poo!

Listen, monsieur, during my reign, I had four flushing toilets

installed in my palace at Versailles.

Is that why they call you LOO-EY, then?

LAUGHTER Is that your first question?

No, Just a bit of fun.

Question one, did your palace at Versailles have any other

cutting-edge technology other than flushing grunt cupboards?

Yes, I had the world's first elevator installed.

It took people from my apartment to

the apartment of my girlfriend, Madame Pompadour.

STOMACH GROWLS We called it a flying chair.

Sounds like something else is going to fly across the room

if we don't get a move on. LAUGHTER

Question number two. What did you do for the toilet

before you had the four loos?

Well, before I revolutionised le pooping of the French

aristocracy, people just used to squat and poop on the floor.

Oh, in fact, I can wait no longer.

That's exactly what I'm about to do.

No, no, no, you can't... PFFFRRRT!

That is very unsanitary.

Well, I do not care, you smelly little man!

SQUELCH! You just put your foot in it, mate.

Oh, really? And how exactly did I do that?

You put your foot in it. LAUGHTER

Oh, no! Oh!

Join me next time, when I'll be delaying more historical celebrities

from having a poo, to ask them questions just for you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The final stop is a room some people call

the heart of the home, the kitchen.

I just say it's where the tasty snacks are, from the fresh food

inside the fridge to the not-so-fresh food that's been stuck

under it for two years.

Ooh, I'm making myself hungry.

I think I'll have a takeout later.

Yeah, I'll take something out of the bin.

He-he-he! Mind you, kitchens haven't always had bins and fridges,

they've changed a lot over the years.

Right, who's hungry?

I think I saw half a sandwich stuck down the back of a radiator earlier.

God, I love a toastie. SMACKS LIPS

Mmm! Something smells good!

Wow!

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF LIVING IN AMERICA

# That feels hot

# Cos I'm boiling my pot

# We eat veggies a lot

# That's all us poor folk have got

# Boiled veg

# My bed

# I got one room!

DING # Tudor kitchen is nice

# I'm cooking with spice

# Goodbye, fire pit

# Hello, fireplace and spit

# There's no bed

# Cos instead

# I got more rooms

# Wow!

# Living in a Tudor house

# And knives and spoons are what we use

# Yeah, living in a Tudor house

# On the floor is where the sculliers snooze

DING # I'm using pots

# In fact, I got lots

# Yeah, and dishes and pans

# Full of pastries and flans

# I roast

# I bake

# Pies and cake

# Wow!

# Cos I'm living in a Georgian house

# Fewer spits, now ovens are it

# I'm living in a Georgian house

# Using coal makes cooking a stroll

# Wow! #

Hey, should I take it to the fridge?

Take it to the fridge.

To my brand-new fridge, and do like my washing machine? Oh!

# The room's got lights

# Now we're cooking at night

# Yeah! I got a sink

Mm-hm.

# To wash away stink

# Yeah, tell 'em

# Hot tap Woo!

# Drying rack and a dishwasher, too

# Hoo! Yeah!

# So now we're living in a '50s house

# All mod cons

# We can't do without

# Living in a '50s house

# We're better off

# So let's eat out # Ooh!

This all seems like a lot of effort, to be honest.

# W-o-o-o-o-ow! #

Oh, and don't forget to take out the trash.

Papa's got a black bin bag.

It's a disgusting practice. Eee!

I found a... CREW LAUGH

I've never felt better. Oh! STOMACH GROWLS

FARTING, CREW LAUGH

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #