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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,800
# Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,200
# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
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00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,040
# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
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# Gory stories, we do that
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# And your host, a talking rat
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# The past is no longer a mystery
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# Welcome to...
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# Horrible Histories. #
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Horrible Histories presents...
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Home sweet home!
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Of course, your home's probably
different to mine.
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TOILET FLUSHES
Ugh! It'll certainly smell better.
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00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,520
And I expect now and again
you get visitors.
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I don't get many down here.
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I mean, I do get the odd visitor.
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00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:54,200
Then, they'd have to be odd
to visit someone in a sewer!
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DRUM STING
Heh, heh, heh. Anyway, back when she
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00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:01,040
was Queen, Elizabeth I liked
to visit people.
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She'd go and stay in other people's
homes all over the country
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during the summer, whether
they wanted her there or not. Mm-mm.
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Queen Elizabeth is here.
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You are honoured with a visit
on her seasonal tour of the country.
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Ah, she's here.
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Don't answer the door! Ugh!
Ahh! Gah!
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What are you doing?
It's the Queen! Yes.
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We can't let her stay with us.
Why not?
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Because I have just learned
that Sir Robert Dudley nearly went
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bankrupt when she stayed with him.
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He put on fireworks, hunting,
dancing, and he had to build
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her her own pleasure
gardens and apartments.
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Her own apartments? Yes!
She stayed for nearly three weeks.
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Well, we've already
built our extension.
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We may as well use it. Mm-mm.
No, don't!
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OBJECTS BREAKING
Oh. Excuse me? The Queen is here
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and she has been waiting
a while now.
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No, no, no. No, no. No! Gahhh!
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The Queen has 300 courtiers.
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We simply can't afford to have them
stay.
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But if the Queen enjoys her stay,
it could open some doors for us.
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Yes, she'll stay even longer
and it'll open the doors
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to the debtors' prison!
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It's...the...Queen! Oww!
OBJECTS BREAKING
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We can't just leave her outside!
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Ahh! Don't! Yah!
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Ahh! Ahh!
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She stole all of
Sir John Puckering's silverware.
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OBJECTS BREAKING, HE GRUNTS
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Ooh!
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Do you submit? I yield. OK!
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RELIEVED: Ahh. Ahh!
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Tell them it's me. It's me! No, the
Queen! Oh, it's the Queen! Oh.
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If we don't let her in,
we could be accused of treason.
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And that could mean she cuts
off our... Privileges?!
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No, heads.
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Yeah, that is way worse.
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They clearly haven't heard us. You'll
just have to break the door down.
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I need a royal wee. Come on!
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OK, fine. I suppose it's not for
long.
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Right. It can't be that bad.
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Open up in the name of the
Queeeee...
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CRASH
Oww. Ooh, what lovely silverware.
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Put it in the bag.
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Now, where am I sleeping?
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WHISPERS: Put that back!
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Elsie, there will be a lot of
important guests and tradespeople
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for the ball, so your duties as maid
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have been extended today. Yes, sir.
Mm-mm. Thank you, sir.
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00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,400
Where do you want these, sir?
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In the dining room, Jones, and
please be careful not to...
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Whoa! Whoa.
PLATES CRASH, CAT MEOWS
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Clear it up, Jones! There's much to
do today.
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Give us a second. Now, as head
butler,
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I shall be dealing
with any visitors at the door,
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but you should learn the different
knocks in case I'm unavailable.
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Yes, sir. S-Sorry, sir,
did you say different knocks?
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00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:34,560
Yes, I would leave it with Jones,
the under-butler, but he gets a bit
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00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,280
flustered answering the door.
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00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:38,920
I just spotted this fellow trying
to push his way through the wall.
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When I grabbed him, his head fell
off.
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As you can see, he's not
the shiniest of spoons
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in the cutlery drawer.
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Now, the number, the volume
and rhythm of the knocks
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is an established system.
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I mean, how else would you know
who's on the other side?
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Perhaps you could open the door,
sir.
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P-Please. Ha, ha. You've got a lot to
learn.
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00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,960
One must know who's there,
so one knows how quickly
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to open the door and in what manner.
Now, pay attention.
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One light knock is for tradesmen,
servants or beggars.
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Two knocks is for someone here on
business.
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00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:21,600
Two for on business.
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00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:25,280
Three knocks is for the master
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of the house or frequent visitors.
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It's very complicated, isn't
it, sir?
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FOUR KNOCKS ON TABLE
Four knocks is for someone
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of high standing in society,
but below the nobility.
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EIGHT KNOCKS ON TABLE
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JONES WHIMPERS
Four firm knocks twice
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for lord or lady.
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Lord or lady. Yes, Elsie. Oh,
I'm sure I'll get the hang of it.
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I mean, as long as I get
it vaguely right.
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REVERBERATING: No!
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Precision is everything.
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A servant will be instantly dismissed
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if they get it wrong, Elsie.
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ONE KNOCK
Perfect test, a single knock.
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TWO KNOCKS
Oh, two knocks! A... A businessman.
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THREE KNOCKS
The Master's home.
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EIGHT KNOCKS
Two groups of four.
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A baron or an earl.
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NINE KNOCKS
Ooh! An earl with the postman.
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15 KNOCKS
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41 milkmen and a woodpecker?
There can only be one explanation.
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The King himself is here!
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HE CRIES OUT
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Your Majesty.
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Um... Sir? Oh!
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Hope I... Hope I didn't disturb
you, sir.
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I was just trying to fix the
knocker. Jones!
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DOG WHIMPERS, BARKS
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Protecting your home is important,
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and we Georgians loved a bit
of home security.
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In fact, we even had a time
of day called "shutting in".
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That was the time between sunset
and bedtime
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when we'd lock up the house.
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But tell me, which of these things
did we actually do at night-time
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to keep our house secure?
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Did we...
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The answer is...
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..A, B AND C. I told you we loved a
bit of home security.
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Isn't that right, John?
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Yes, ma'am. We did.
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Are we looking secure, John?
I have no idea, ma'am.
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All I can see is a bit
of an old door and some carpet.
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Any chance of a pillow? Shh!
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00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,360
WHISPERS: You're supposed to be a
silent alarm. Ah.
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During King James I's reign,
people could get some seriously
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unwanted guests in their homes
in the form of priest hunters.
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The King had banned practising
Catholicism, so people went
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to great lengths to hide
their Catholic belongings and even
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priests, like me, inside their homes.
KNOCK ON DOOR
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WHISPERS: Oh, no! The priest hunters
are here. Hide!
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Pretend you didn't see me.
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PRIEST GASPS
Miss Vaux, since the Catholic plot
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to kill the King, it's become more
important than ever
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for we priest hunters to hunt
for hidden priests.
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PRIEST GASPS
Well, you won't find any Catholic
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priests hiding in my home. Ooh.
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My sisters and I are law-abiding
Protestant folk.
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Ahem.
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We even have a Protestant
prayer book on the shelf.
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HE GASPS, SHE GASPS
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Please allow me to show you any part
of the house other than this.
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That was close.
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I think I soiled my robes. Eugh.
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CANDLESTICK PRIEST: Oh!
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The priests have all been ordered
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out of the country...
SHE GASPS, PRIEST GROANS
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..but I think there may be one or
two left.
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It's so hard to
believe! Oh.
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00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,720
Well, all this
searching
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must be tiring.
Why don't we...
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..sit here and light
the fire?
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No! No! Ooh.
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I think I heard a priest.
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What? Where?
There. Under the creaky floorboard.
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Hmm. WHISPERS: Go, go!
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PRIEST GROANS, ANNE GASPS
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There are little priesties hiding
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in this house. I can feel it.
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Methinks it's time for a change
of tack.
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CLEARS THROAT
All right. Well, that's it.
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Looks like there are no priests
or Catholics here after all,
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so I'll leave. Bye for now.
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I guess if there's anyone hiding,
it'll be safe to come out
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when they hear the door shut.
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Don't! Hmm?
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Aha!
CAT MEOWS
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Oh. Well, I guess that settles it.
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00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,680
Anne Vaux, I clear you of suspicion.
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00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,880
Quite right, too.
SHE LAUGHS
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SHE SIGHS
Now, which is the way out?
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Down the stairs to the left.
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Uhh... Oh! Thanks.
That's very helpful.
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SHE GROWLS
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00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,080
Welcome to my favourite place
in the home...
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TOILET FLUSHES
..the bathroom.
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Heh, heh, heh. Bathrooms are a place
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where amazing things can happen.
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HE FARTS
Ooh! Heh, no. Not that.
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00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,560
I mean, with bathroom innovations.
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00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:56,440
Famous author Charles Dickens
was a big fan of home modernisation
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00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:00,600
and actually had a new bit of
technology installed in his bathroom.
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00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,920
Mind you, his family
weren't so sure about it.
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00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,240
SOMEONE SCREAMS
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00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,200
METAL CLINKS
Mother.
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00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,960
It's happening again.
201
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,200
He promised we were free of it.
MARY GASPS
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00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,680
SOMEONE SCREAMS
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00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:23,280
My God . W-We must.
It's the only way.
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00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,600
CLINKING CONTINUES
It's like it's in the walls.
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00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,560
It has to end, Mary.
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00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:30,240
It has to end!
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00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:33,600
UNSTEADILY: Ohh...
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00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:39,120
NARRATOR: Starring acclaimed author,
Charles Dickens.
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00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,320
HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMS
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00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,520
Hello, dears! Just having a shower.
MARY GASPS
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00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,280
Though I do wish
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00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,480
you would stop calling it that.
It's just a shower.
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00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,960
HE YELPS
Oh! A bit chilly. Hah.
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00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,320
Well, better
freezing cold
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00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:56,680
than pleasantly
warm.
216
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,520
Daddy, no.
217
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,200
Oh, come on. It's not that bad.
218
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,440
We're so lucky to be one
of the first houses in London
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00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:05,720
to have a shower.
220
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,480
It's the noise...
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00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,920
SHRIEKING: Whew!
..and the screaming.
222
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,840
Yeah, the screaming's actually
really annoying, Dad.
223
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:16,200
There is no shower like the demon.
That is my creed.
224
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,760
There is but one sea, and the demon
is its showerer.
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00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:23,160
BOTH: Ahh! No. Stop it! No, no!
THEY YELP
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00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,680
In the shower,
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00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:28,080
everyone will hear you scream.
Ah! Ho-ho!
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00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,480
Ahh, oh!
KING FARTS
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00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,760
KING MOANS
Really doesn't want to shift today.
230
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,840
I said... Yes, I heard, Your Majesty.
Pff.
231
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:44,280
HIGH-PITCHED FART
Oh, ah! It's just air.
232
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,040
Ugh, it's all that meat I ate.
233
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:47,960
Perhaps the new cushion
is affecting your...
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00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,240
KING FARTS LOUDLY
Oh. Oh!
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00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,440
..performance, Majesty.
236
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:55,360
KING CONTINUES FARTING
Don't think so, Norris. Huh!
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00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,360
This swansdown toilet cushion
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00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,320
is super soft, like
pooing through a cloud.
239
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,360
KING FARTS AND GIGGLES
You should get one fitted
240
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,480
to your private toilet.
I don't have a private toilet,
241
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,760
Your Majesty. Ha, ha, ha!
KING FARTS
242
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,760
Oh, I forgot.
243
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:09,840
I have a private toilet
244
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,960
because I'm the King and you...
KING FARTS
245
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,000
What is your job again?
246
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,680
I'm Groom of the Stool, Your
Majesty.
247
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,360
I'm responsible for your personal
hygiene and...
248
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,840
KING FARTS
..toilet.
249
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,120
Yeah, well, you're not doing a very
good job, are you?
250
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:26,640
KING FARTS LOUDLY
It's still stuck!
251
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:29,280
Why don't you just try and relax,
Your Majesty?
252
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,160
Think of something that calms you.
253
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,120
Where do people like you go to the...
KING FARTS
254
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:37,800
..toilet? Well, many of the courtiers
and servers simply use
255
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:41,120
the Great House of Easement,
which can seat up to 14.
256
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,040
KING FARTS
What, that big, stinky block
257
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,480
all the way down by the moat?
258
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,240
Yes, Your Majesty.
259
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,280
What do you do when you just
need a tinkle?
260
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,080
Oh, many just tinkle against a wall.
261
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,240
Yes, I've heard about that.
262
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,280
It's a disgusting practice.
KING FARTS LOUDLY
263
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,280
I've had my people draw
crosses on the walls.
264
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,720
No-one would pee on a religious
symbol.
265
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:00,640
Oh, those are
religious crosses!
266
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,520
I thought they were
just targets to aim for
267
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,800
when you... Well, they're not.
You know, like in archery.
268
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:08,240
Archery!
KING POOS
269
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:13,000
Ah! Ohhhh. I think that shifted it,
Norris.
270
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,520
I never feel more relaxed
271
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,520
than when I'm down on the archery
range.
272
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,400
KING FARTS
Now, good man. OK. Wipey, wipey.
273
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,880
And be thorough. This archer's taken
a wide aim.
274
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:25,760
Is something the matter, Norris?
275
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,960
I mean, you can quit this job
whenever you'd like.
276
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,080
On the contrary, Your Majesty.
277
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,520
HE CHUCKLES
This is one of the most sought after
278
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,120
jobs in the kingdom.
279
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:37,320
Personal time with our King
is rare and precious.
280
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,160
True. It's why everyone likes
playing tennis with me, too.
281
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:43,280
KING FARTS
Oh. I think tennis might work too,
282
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,520
Norris. Henry to serve!
KING POOS
283
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:47,880
My word.
284
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,920
Ohhhhh...
KING FARTS
285
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,320
Ooh.
286
00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:54,200
After you've finished in the
bathroom, it should be time to go
287
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,840
to bed and chillax.
288
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,520
But bedtime hasn't always
been relaxing.
289
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,760
There were times in history when not
only did you have to share your bed
290
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,400
with the rest of the family,
you sometimes had to bunk-up
291
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,520
with passing strangers too.
292
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:10,280
And that meant a strict set
of rules or bed etiquette.
293
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,640
OTHERS: Go back to bed!
294
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:12,680
Sorry.
295
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,120
Goodnight, Husband.
Goodnight, Wife.
296
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,960
Goodnight, English tailor who we
just met this afternoon.
297
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,600
Can I just say, I really appreciate
you guys letting me stay in your bed
298
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,280
while I'm passing
through your village.
299
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,400
Oh. Ho-ho! Don't mention it!
300
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,520
In this family, we believe in bed
etiquette. Absolutely.
301
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,320
I love a good pig. Hmm? Huh?
302
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,880
That's what we call sleeping
in a bed with one or more people,
303
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,320
in England - pigging.
304
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,000
Oh! Oh, right.
PIG SQUEALS
305
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,160
Oh. I see you have a guard pig.
306
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:44,960
That should keep us safe.
Oh, yes.
307
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,640
She protects
us from thieves
308
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,600
and keeps us warm.
Fair enough.
309
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:51,120
Well, goodnight.
310
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,520
PIG SQUEALS
Mother, Father,
311
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,360
I'm staying in the village tonight.
Any chance I can sleep here?
312
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,160
BOTH SIGH
Fine, Son.
313
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:01,160
You get up and let our son get in
between you and I. What?
314
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:03,400
Can't he just go on the
end? Certainly not.
315
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,160
Around here, we have a strict
order to sharing a bed.
316
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,160
A stranger is closest to the door,
317
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,400
then goes the sons in order of age,
318
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,840
and the father and the mother.
319
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,320
In this family, we
adhere to bed etiquette.
320
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:17,200
Bed etiquette.
Bed Etiquette.
321
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,720
BOTH: Goodnight.
322
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,360
DOOR OPENS, PIG SQUEALS
Mother, Father,
323
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,720
is there room in here for one more?
Oh, OK. Everybody out.
324
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,600
W-Wait! Can't she just go
between me and your son?
325
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,600
Certainly not.
Oh, no, no, no!
326
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,680
And the daughter.
327
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:35,680
Daughters go behind the mother in
order of age,
328
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:37,480
in the position furthest
from the door.
329
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,400
It's basic bad etiquette.
Bed etiquette.
330
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,440
CHILDREN: Bed etiquette.
331
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,440
Please tell me you only
have two children.
332
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,120
Oh, no. We have another.
333
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,600
She's away working in a mill
in Dublin. Oh, yeah.
334
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,320
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
335
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,560
DOOR OPENS, PIG SQUEALS
336
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:54,280
Oh. Guess who's mill closed down?
I need a place to stay.
337
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,000
Yes, yes. Bed etiquette.
OTHERS: Bed etiquette.
338
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,240
THEY CHATTER
339
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:02,080
Here we are. Here we go. Close it up.
340
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,440
Cosy. Goodnight, Mother.
341
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,680
Goodnight, Father.
342
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:12,360
TAILOR FARTS
Oh, terribly sorry.
343
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,520
What does the bed etiquette say
about that?
344
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,320
Nothing. Bad etiquette.
345
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,720
OTHERS: Bad etiquette!
346
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,200
Oh, what have you been eating,
Tailor?
347
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:25,320
I suppose that's one way of keeping
the bed warm. Heh, heh, heh.
348
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:29,880
In the earliest homes, people kept
some weird stuff under their beds.
349
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:33,040
And I'm not talking about those
smelly socks and manky old bowls
350
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,400
of half-eaten cereal you've got
under yours.
351
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,520
There are some beds even
I wouldn't want to look under.
352
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,160
A place called Catalhoyuk in
modern-day Turkey was one of the
353
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:45,320
first mass settlements in the world
where lots of people lived together
354
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,720
in one place. And the houses
back then had a few
355
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,680
surprising design features. Mm-mm.
356
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,360
This place is amazing.
357
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,120
I've never seen anything like it.
358
00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,640
Aw, here we go again.
359
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:00,880
More tourists.
360
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,960
So many houses!
But how do you get in?
361
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,840
And three, two, one...
362
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,720
CRASH
Ahh! Ow. Make yourself at home.
363
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,280
Sorry about that.
364
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:12,800
You'll never guess what happened.
365
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:13,920
You live in the country.
366
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,840
You heard of a new thing
called a town,
367
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,680
so you decided to come and have a
look.
368
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,720
You found the houses,
but you couldn't find the door,
369
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,560
so you climbed to the top
of the roof to get a better look.
370
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:25,000
Then you fell through a hole.
Oh, wow. Good guess.
371
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,440
Look, it's very simple.
372
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,640
We use the holes in the roof to get
in and out of our homes.
373
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,400
We use the ladder, but falling
through works too.
374
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,320
Oh, this town thing
of yours is amazing.
375
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,800
5,000 people or more all...
376
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,560
Oowaaah, skull!
377
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,800
Please don't kill me.
I'm not going to kill you.
378
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,200
I'm just making the bed.
379
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,040
Out of skulls? O-O-OK.
380
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:48,240
I'm just going to say goodbye.
The bed isn't made of skulls!
381
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,000
We just bury the skulls underneath,
382
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,400
along with the bodies.
383
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:52,840
Why are there bodies
under the bed?
384
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,480
You wouldn't want
to just leave them lying
385
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:56,400
around, would you?
R-Right, yeah.
386
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,640
We also stick skulls
in the hall. Ah!
387
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,480
It's nice to have something
cheery to look at.
388
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,320
Well, it's certainly grinning.
389
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,720
H-Have you not thought about just
bashing a hole in the wall?
390
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,600
Then you could see outside! Once
we accidentally bashed a hole
391
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,440
into the wall. But the houses are so
packed together,
392
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,080
you just see the neighbours.
Can you please keep the noise down?
393
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,560
I can barely hear myself bury
bodies under the floor.
394
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,800
Erm, you have a lovely town! Right,
395
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,520
I'm going to go and find my friend.
396
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,280
CRASH
Whoooa... Ooh! Ooh, here he is!
397
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:25,960
All right. We've had enough of this.
398
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:28,320
We're moving.
SHE GRUNTS
399
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,560
Oh, no. We'd better get out of here.
Why?
400
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,720
Because sometimes when people leave
houses here,
401
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,560
they burn the old ones down.
402
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,920
Head for the emergency exit!
403
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,280
Where's the emergency...? Oh,
it's the hole in the roof,
404
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,560
isn't it? Ooh! Oh. Hold that!
405
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,960
Right. After me, I'm your guest.
406
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:53,600
Welcome to A Place In History,
where I find dream properties
407
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:57,320
from the past for people from now.
408
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,240
This week, it's Fiona and Michael.
409
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,600
They're two teachers from Swindon,
410
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,160
and they're looking for a simpler
life.
411
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,600
Well, it doesn't get much
simpler than this.
412
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,880
RECORD SCRATCH
An Iron Age roundhouse.
413
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,520
So, guys, first impressions?
414
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,880
It's traditional. It's detached.
415
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,280
Is it made from sustainable
materials?
416
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:23,520
Yes! It's made from wattle and daub,
which is basically mud, straw
417
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,600
and cow poo.
COW MOOS
418
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,920
Did he just say...? Let's go inside.
419
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:31,040
Ow! Oh!
420
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,880
As you can see, this Iron Age
roundhouse has been equipped
421
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,040
with a low front
doorway.
422
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:39,600
Yeah, no, I got that.
423
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,920
So, is this the hall?
This is the dining room.
424
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,040
Can we see the kitchen?
Right this way.
425
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:49,320
So this is the kitchen as well?
426
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:51,840
Yes, this is the kitchen-diner,
427
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,000
great for entertaining!
428
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,480
Right. Bedroom?
429
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:57,520
You're standing in it!
430
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,880
What are the neighbours like?
431
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,880
They're pigs! Oh, no, not very
tolerant or...?
432
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:06,120
No, they're literally pigs,
and there are cows on the other side.
433
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:09,000
And when it's cold, they all
come inside for warmth.
434
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,320
Does it have central heating?
435
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:13,520
Yes, it's located in the middle
of the house.
436
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:16,320
It doesn't get more central
than that!
437
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,960
Gas? Only when the cows come inside.
438
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,040
Please don't tell me
that this is the toilet, too.
439
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:24,000
Oh, no! It has an outside toilet.
440
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,480
By which I mean, you have to go
to the toilet outside,
441
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,280
anywhere you like. I'm sorry, what?
442
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,800
Don't worry! You'll never smell it
over the pong of the midden.
443
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,120
That's the big pile of village
rubbish that this property has
444
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,240
unusually close access to.
445
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:40,320
Ow! Oh, my head!
446
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,360
Watch out for the low-hanging
doorway.
447
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:43,960
Yeah, that was a bit late for that.
448
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,400
SQUELCH!
Oh, I've slipped in the midden!
449
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:50,880
It seems like this Iron Age
roundhouse was a bit too traditional
450
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,720
for this week's home-hunters.
451
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,080
Oh, it's in my nostril!
452
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:58,440
Next week, Hattie and Steve
are looking for a quiet home in York.
453
00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:00,000
SCREAMING
454
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,200
No-one mention the noisy
neighbours!
455
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,800
Aaarghh!
456
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,800
Here on A Place In History.
457
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:11,680
Often, people like to do a bit
of home improvement by decorating
458
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,400
where they live or even
making it bigger.
459
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:18,040
Mind you, there have been times
in the past when home improvements
460
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:20,800
weren't "improvements" at all.
461
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,360
They actually made things
quite dangerous.
462
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:24,640
Ooh!
463
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:29,760
And this is the new sitting room.
464
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,640
LADY GASPS
Wonderful wallpaper.
465
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,440
It's so...green.
466
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,000
Is it Scheele's Green?
467
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,880
We have it in our bedroom,
it's all the rage.
468
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,800
Yes, the only thing greener than
the wallpaper
469
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,120
is our neighbour's envy.
470
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,160
THEY LAUGH
471
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,240
THEIR STOMACHS GROWL
472
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,080
I wanted Scheele's Green
in the library,
473
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:52,000
but Hans read in one of his German
newspapers
474
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,640
that it contains arsenic.
475
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:57,920
So? Well, it can make you ill
and give you a dodgy tummy.
476
00:20:57,920 --> 00:20:59,200
Nonsense!
477
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:00,520
If arsenic was poisonous,
478
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,160
would dear Dr Appleby have
Scheele's Green wallpaper
479
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,560
throughout his house?
480
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,240
Oh, yes, how is the young doctor?
481
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,920
Died, last week. So sad.
482
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:11,600
Lucky I won't be needing him,
I've never felt bett...
483
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,680
STOMACH GROWLS
Prrrp!
484
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,880
Sorry, I'll just pop to the
chamber pot.
485
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,040
STOMACH GROWLS, FARTING
Oh!
486
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:21,760
FARTING CONTINUES
It's coming out of me like soup!
487
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,960
FARTING
Oh! Oh!
488
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:26,640
'Course, I do get a little queasy
during the daytime, but
489
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,960
SCREAMING AND PLOPPING
then once I retire to my bedroom,
490
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,440
I'm absolutely fine.
491
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:31,880
Strange.
492
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,240
I feel absolutely fine in my sitting
room all day,
493
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,240
and a little peculiar when I retire
to the bedroom.
494
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:38,760
Excuse me.
495
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,200
LOUD VOMITING
496
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:46,680
Hmm, wait!
497
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,360
Georgiana feels unwell
when she's in her sitting room
498
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,720
and Emma feels unwell
when she's in her bedroom,
499
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,800
and those are the rooms
with the Scheele's Green wallpaper.
500
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:59,720
You know, I'm beginning to think
I might know why we're feeling ill.
501
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,360
Yes? Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
Yes?
502
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:05,240
We pass through slums on our
way here.
503
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,640
We all know how nasty smells
can make one ill.
504
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,680
Yes, of course,
the slums!
505
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:14,360
Well, at least we knew it's nice
and clean in here.
506
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,840
RETCHING AND VOMITING
507
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:20,200
LOUD FARTING
It really is lovely wallpaper.
508
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,400
# Loo man, Loo man,
the living toilet who ran
509
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,160
# From the Middle Ages with a
bucket over who can
510
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:31,320
# Have a poo in a private place
511
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,440
# Sitting on my bucket with a cape
to hide your face
512
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,040
# And bum
513
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:37,280
# And when you're done
514
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,360
# I will judge depending if you did
a two or one
515
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,000
# Loo Man! #
516
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:46,400
Please welcome today's historical
figure who really needs the loo...
517
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:48,480
..it's Louis XV!
518
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:50,520
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
519
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,880
Zut alors!
520
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,680
Greetings, friend.
521
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:59,120
Louis XV, King of France,
522
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:02,680
do you have a baguette knocking
on the back door of the bakery?
523
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,760
LAUGHTER
Well, yes.
524
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,120
In which case, it's time for...
525
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,040
..Plop Quiz!
526
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:11,080
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
527
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,000
Now, answer questions one and
two, and I'll let you do a...
528
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,800
AUDIENCE: Poo!
529
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,960
Listen, monsieur, during my reign,
I had four flushing toilets
530
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,160
installed in my palace at
Versailles.
531
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,840
Is that why they call you
LOO-EY, then?
532
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,880
LAUGHTER
Is that your first question?
533
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:26,520
No, Just a bit of fun.
534
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,880
Question one, did your palace at
Versailles have any other
535
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,880
cutting-edge technology other
than flushing grunt cupboards?
536
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,320
Yes, I had the world's first
elevator installed.
537
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:39,560
It took people from
my apartment to
538
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:43,120
the apartment of my girlfriend,
Madame Pompadour.
539
00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:46,080
STOMACH GROWLS
We called it a flying chair.
540
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,520
Sounds like something else
is going to fly across the room
541
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:50,560
if we don't get a move on.
LAUGHTER
542
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:53,360
Question number two. What
did you do for the toilet
543
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:54,920
before you had the four loos?
544
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:58,360
Well, before I revolutionised
le pooping of the French
545
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:02,840
aristocracy, people just used
to squat and poop on the floor.
546
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,720
Oh, in fact, I can wait no longer.
547
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,240
That's exactly
what I'm about to do.
548
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,120
No, no, no, you can't...
PFFFRRRT!
549
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,480
That is very unsanitary.
550
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:17,920
Well, I do not care, you smelly
little man!
551
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,560
SQUELCH!
You just put your foot in it, mate.
552
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,360
Oh, really? And how exactly did
I do that?
553
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:26,040
You put your foot in it.
LAUGHTER
554
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,120
Oh, no! Oh!
555
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:31,720
Join me next time, when I'll be
delaying more historical celebrities
556
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:35,280
from having a poo, to ask them
questions just for you.
557
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,480
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
558
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:43,280
The final stop is a room
some people call
559
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,000
the heart of the home, the kitchen.
560
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:49,320
I just say it's where the tasty
snacks are, from the fresh food
561
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,800
inside the fridge to the
not-so-fresh food that's been stuck
562
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:54,480
under it for two years.
563
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:57,520
Ooh, I'm making myself hungry.
564
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,160
I think I'll have a takeout later.
565
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,480
Yeah, I'll take something
out of the bin.
566
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:05,520
He-he-he! Mind you, kitchens haven't
always had bins and fridges,
567
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,080
they've changed a lot
over the years.
568
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,640
Right, who's hungry?
569
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,960
I think I saw half a sandwich stuck
down the back of a radiator earlier.
570
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,960
God, I love a toastie.
SMACKS LIPS
571
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:20,440
Mmm! Something smells good!
572
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:21,960
Wow!
573
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,000
MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF LIVING IN
AMERICA
574
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,360
# That feels hot
575
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:27,280
# Cos I'm boiling my pot
576
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,200
# We eat veggies a lot
577
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,200
# That's all us poor folk have got
578
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:37,480
# Boiled veg
579
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:38,640
# My bed
580
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:39,920
# I got one room!
581
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,680
DING
# Tudor kitchen is nice
582
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,040
# I'm cooking with spice
583
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,200
# Goodbye, fire pit
584
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:53,440
# Hello, fireplace and spit
585
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:57,240
# There's no bed
586
00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:58,680
# Cos instead
587
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,800
# I got more rooms
588
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,400
# Wow!
589
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:05,440
# Living in a Tudor house
590
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:08,800
# And knives and spoons
are what we use
591
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:12,720
# Yeah, living in a Tudor house
592
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:16,440
# On the floor is where the sculliers
snooze
593
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,560
DING
# I'm using pots
594
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,480
# In fact, I got lots
595
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,560
# Yeah, and dishes and pans
596
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,400
# Full of pastries and flans
597
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:32,560
# I roast
598
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,160
# I bake
599
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:35,960
# Pies and cake
600
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,440
# Wow!
601
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:40,120
# Cos I'm living in a Georgian house
602
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,360
# Fewer spits, now ovens are it
603
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:47,800
# I'm living in a Georgian house
604
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:50,960
# Using coal makes cooking a stroll
605
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:52,200
# Wow! #
606
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,280
Hey, should I take it to the
fridge?
607
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,520
Take it to the fridge.
608
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,760
To my brand-new fridge, and do
like my washing machine? Oh!
609
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,760
# The room's got lights
610
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,680
# Now we're cooking at night
611
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:07,040
# Yeah! I got a sink
612
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:08,480
Mm-hm.
613
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:10,480
# To wash away stink
614
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,440
# Yeah, tell 'em
615
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:14,280
# Hot tap
Woo!
616
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:17,000
# Drying rack and a dishwasher, too
617
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,120
# Hoo! Yeah!
618
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:22,800
# So now we're living in a '50s
house
619
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,360
# All mod cons
620
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:26,040
# We can't do without
621
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,120
# Living in a '50s house
622
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:31,040
# We're better off
623
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:33,320
# So let's eat out #
Ooh!
624
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:36,560
This all seems like a lot
of effort, to be honest.
625
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:40,040
# W-o-o-o-o-ow! #
626
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,520
Oh, and don't forget to take
out the trash.
627
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:44,640
Papa's got a black bin bag.
628
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:49,560
It's a disgusting practice. Eee!
629
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:53,000
I found a...
CREW LAUGH
630
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,160
I've never felt better. Oh!
STOMACH GROWLS
631
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:57,920
FARTING, CREW LAUGH
632
00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:00,240
# The past is no longer a mystery
633
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:01,840
# Hope you enjoyed
634
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:04,680
# Horrible Histories. #
48579
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