Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians Woeful wars, ferocious fights

# Dingy Castles, daring Knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crime

# Punishments from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fearsome, toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

# Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

Hey! Yes, it's me, Guy Fawkes.

You know, Bonfire Night.

You have Bonfire Night thanks to me. You're welcome.

Although if I'm honest, the whole country celebrating the fact

I got captured and my plans ruined, it's a little hurtful,

especially as I'm currently locked in the Tower Of London.

How did I get here? I'll tell you the story,

and it actually all begins 70 years before I got caught.

Henry VIII decided he wanted to divorce his wife Catherine

and marry Anne Boleyn,

which the Catholic Church, run by the Pope, wouldn't allow.

I'll let him tell you all about it.

This track is an absolute banger.

# The Pope is a guy God thinks is fine

# He's also a real good friend of mine

# Defender of the faith he calls me

# Cos I'm such a great Catholic - see?

# Then I got bored of Catherine

# And I wanted to marry Anne

# Then the Pope said cos I'm Catholic

# I gotta be a one-woman man

# So no, I don't want no pope

# The Pope is a guy that can't get no love from me

# Gonna split from the Catholics

# Now the head of the English Church

# Is me. #

I can die happy, pass the Church on to my Protestant son.

Give 'em hell, Edward!

HE COUGHS

HE GROANS

Awkward.

Mary time.

# Then brother Eddie perished

# And now the country's mine

# And cos I was brought up Catholic I'll change it back one more time

# Cos oh, how I love the Pope

# The Pope is the guy who reps my God for me

# And if you don't agree that's totally fine

# I'll just burn you for heresy. #

Lizzie in the house, yes...

# Now Mary died, the country's mine

# How will we pray, I must decide

# Born Protestant Raised with Catholics

# I really can see both sides

# Sure, if I trash the Catholics

# Then the whole Church is mine

# And if they don't obey me I'll charge them a hefty fine

# So no, I don't want no pope

# The English Church should all be about me

# Head of Church and state

# That sounds great Call it Act Of Supremacy

# I don't want no pope

# No, sorry

# But what will happen

# After me? #

Well, I'll tell you what happened. Get out!

Elizabeth didn't have any heirs,

so they put this guy on the throne - King James VI of Scotland.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be the English King.

Not only is his dancing irritating, but he's a Protestant,

which is doubly annoying.

But that didn't mean us Catholics weren't close by him...

..I mean VERY close.

Really hard to tell you this, bro.

The people of Greenwich are talking.

This isn't about me weeing on the horse again?

Oh, yeah, that. But also,

like, maybe your wifey Anne

has totally secretly converted to...

..Catholicism.

You're wrong.

You're all wrong.

Bro!

Ugh...

Hi, babes.

You OK?

Hey. Um...

..look, first off, this is super awkward for me.

OK? Like, I'm not a confrontationalist person.

I know. Love how chill we are, babes. Yeah, but...

..this rumour about you being a...

..secret Catholic,

that's making me kind of un-chill.

Oh, babes...

Uh... Are those prayer beads?

Is that a Catholic rosary? James, you're so controlling and suspicious.

It's just, like, a random gift from a good friend.

And is that friend a Catholic?

Um, maybe, but... Anne! How could you?

How could YOU wee on a horse? I did not wee on a horse!

I weed OFF a horse.

I just so happened to be sitting ON a horse when I did the wee.

It's completely different! It's embarrassing.

You're a Catholic, love. I'm this close to ordering

all Catholic priests to leave the country.

GASPING: No, James! Please, don't! That would be totes tragic.

You pushed me to it.

Even though I hardly even know any Catholic priests or anything,

it's chill. Anne, babes, blessings. Oh... Mwah, mwah.

Old Popey just wanted to know if you got that rosary he sent you,

now you're such a massive papist?

Wait, wait, wait...

Those rosary beads are from the POPE?

Um...maybe.

A bit.

Right! That's it. All Catholic priests banned.

Get out of my country, mate!

I would ask to borrow a horse,

but I presume your saddle's still drying out?

SHE LAUGHS Get out!

So, what with rumours of Anne secretly practising Catholicism,

and a couple of attempts to kill King James -

not by me -

James decided to make it really hard for us to be Catholics in England.

Not only could we be fined for taking part in mass,

but Catholic priests were also banned from England altogether.

Yeah. Sorry, Jeff, you've got to go.

Don't give me those puppy dog eyes.

This is goodbye.

Hey... Unbelievable.

We Catholics were very angry about all this

and some of us went over to Spain to ask their King for help

in getting rid of our King James, but they refused.

So, it was time for me and a few other guys

to take matters into our own hands.

Not you, Jeff.

I've seen him do weddings. He's bad under pressure.

Remember, remember the 5th of November

Gunpowder, treason and plot...

Well...meet the plotters.

This is our leader...

..Robert Catesby.

A rebel through and through,

the kind of bloke that don't play by the rules.

See?

Absolute rule-breaking ledge.

Most of the time.

Then there's my mate Thomas Wintour,

Catesby's number two. He's from a pretty tasty family -

his uncle got hung, drawn and quartered just for being Catholic.

John Wright, AKA The Muscle.

The only thing he loves more than Catholicism is a fight.

And don't forget Thomas Percy,

the inside man.

He's connected.

He's got money, he's got us a safe house

and he claims he can get us in right under the Houses of Parliament.

And boom, there's me, Guy Fawkes.

I'm the explosives expert.

I'm a schemer and a soldier.

Sold off my family inheritance

and dedicated my life to the Catholic cause,

and getting rid of King James.

I'm not afraid to be right in the mix if things go up in smoke.

Gentlemen, we're here to discuss

overthrowing the tyrannical government of King James,

and return a Catholic monarch to the English throne.

Now, the plot... Welcome to the Duck And Drake.

Can I get you any drinks?

We have wine, cider, beer, ale...

We're fine. I could go for an ale. Yeah, me too.

Yeah. Fine.

Five ales. Aye!

So, gentlemen,

the plan is that we kill the King of... Yes?

Sorry. Why are we meeting in a pub?

So we don't arouse suspicion.

To the casual observer, we're just friends out having a drink,

but we're not. We're not friends? No.

We're plotters, bringing about the downfall of the King.

That doesn't mean we can't be friends.

I mean, you and I are related.

Might be nice to hang out from time to time, you know,

when we're not plotting. John and I are brothers-in-law.

We're not friends, but we are family. Does that matter?

No! Now, back to business.

No-one must... Five ales!

THEY CHEER

Look... Once we assassinate the King, we...

What do you want now? I was about to ask you the same thing, sir.

What do YOU want? Oh, er, we want to kill the King.

THUMP

The specials are on the board. Oh, great, I'm starving.

All right, I'll give you a couple of minutes.

So, gentlemen, once we kill the King,

we ride up north to begin the revolt,

armed with hundreds... Ring The Bull?

What? It's a game where you toss a ring onto a bull's horns.

We've got it in the back. Oh, that sounds fun.

We're not here to play any games.

Yeah, right. Why would you want to have fun with a relative

who it turns out doesn't even consider you a friend?

I really misinterpreted what this relationship... Can we PLEASE focus?

OK.

After we kill the King, we travel up north,

we kidnap James's daughter Elizabeth,

we convince her to convert to Catholicism,

and then we make her Queen of England.

Simple! Not sure I'd call it simple.

Any questions? Yeah.

Does the pie come with veg, or do we have to order that separate?

About the plot to kill the... Carrots! What?

Somebody asked about the pie.

Yeah. It comes with carrots and peas. Lovely. I'll have that.

Yes. Me, too. Three pies.

ANGRILY: Mm!

Catesby, don't go off in a strop.

I'm not. I'm playing Ring The Bull.

Yeah, well, you need a friend to do that.

You know, a friend!

Like we're not!

Apparently!

He really hurt my feelings when he said that, you know?

HE SIGHS

So, during our night in the pub,

we came up with a plan.

The idea is for one group to kill the King and his supporters

here in London,

while the rest of us gather a rebel army in the Midlands

and capture King James's daughter... Oh, hello! ..Princess Elizabeth,

so that when he's killed, we can put HER on the throne

as our puppet. SQUEAK

Not THAT kind of puppet. Out!

Oh, give me strength.

This is where I'll be.

My job is to kill the King by blowing up the Houses of Parliament.

Our base is here at Catesby's house

on the south side of the Thames.

That's where we've stored our gunpowder.

It's our safe house...

..as long as no-one lights a match.

Now, we need to put the gunpowder under this building,

the Houses Of Parliament, over here,

so we've got to get across the river and into Parliament.

That's why Thomas Percy rented us a house

roughly here, by Parliament's wall.

So, at night, we use boats to carry the gunpowder across the river

from Catesby's house to the house Percy's rented,

remembering not to light a match along the way.

So now we've got the gunpowder on the right side of the river,

hidden near Parliament.

EXPLOSION What did I say about matches?

Next, we'll dig a tunnel from the house

to the cellars underneath Parliament,

and hide the gunpowder there.

Then, when the King comes to open Parliament

in front of all his friends,

well, that's when it's OK to light the match and...

FART OK.

Might need more than one barrel of powder.

Let's try 1,000!

LOUD BANG Too much.

Let's say 36 barrels.

BANG Perfect.

It's a flawless plan, and all we have to do now

is dig a tunnel. EXPLOSION

SIGHING: And remember not to light any matches.

What could possibly go wrong?

SQUEAK

So, that was the plan for the plot.

Or possibly the plot for the plan.

It was pretty good in theory,

and we were on our way towards blowing up Parliament

and with it, the King.

Success was just a short tunnel away.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

Hello, and welcome to Historical Amazingly Small Spaces.

Today, I'm here with Thomas Wintour,

Guy Fawkes and Thomas Percy,

who've taken on the amazing challenge

of extending this Westminster basement.

It's a lot of hard work. Am I right, lads?

Well, ever since we rented the house...

That was me, actually. That was my job. Hi.

..we have been digging through the walls

and propping the ceiling up with piles of wood,

often working 16-hour days,

so it's been back-breaking work.

But we've been well-prepared.

We've got huge stash of dried meat and eggs,

so we never even have to leave...

LONG FART Oh! ..which is great, obviously.

Could have chosen any food for an airless, underground room

and he went with, um, dried meat and eggs.

Bleugh, and with no windows,

that is going to be trapped in here all day.

All day. Whew. So, what exactly is the build for?

So we are reinforcing the basement walls

because there was water leaking in from the Thames.

At least, that's what we're supposed to say if anyone asks, right?

THEY LAUGH

Doesn't the tunnel go right underneath the House Of Lords?

How does that help?

Well, it helps if you're trying to blow up Parliament.

LOUD KICK Ow!

We had no idea what the tunnel went under the House of Lords.

Well, that was the whole plan, Guy, wasn't it? Guy?

That was the whole plan... STICK SLAMS DOWN

So you're not TRYING to dig under the House of Lords?

No. W-why, are you... suspicious of something?

No, not at all. It's just, for a second there,

I thought you'd rented the wrong house.

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

W-what do you mean?

Well, um, the house next door

already has a cellar that goes right under the House of Lords,

so you could have just rented that one.

Does it?

Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't have had to do any digging at all.

Can I have a word, please? Sure thing, Guy.

Can have a chat about anything.

SHOUTING: THREE MONTHS, we've been digging this fart-filled tunnel!

Sorry, I didn't know... FARTING

Oh, that is eggy. Nobody light a match.

What? Ooh.

There's about 20 barrels of gunpowder

we've got hidden down here. Wintour, come here!

SHOUTING IN BACKGROUND Well, that is all we have time for

today on Historical Amazingly Small Spaces.

I would just like to wish the lads all the luck in the world with...

..well, to be honest, I'm still not entirely sure

what it is they're doing. We're blowing up the Houses Of Parliament.

Will you SHUT UP! All right!

Hello, there! Me again, James I of England,

or James VI of Scotland - you choose, I answer to both.

I was the innocent victim of this foul gunpowder plot,

and I know, who'd want to blow up such a lovely face as this?

Ugh... Some people are going to be in a lot of trouble. Anyway,

there was one piece of evidence that tipped me off

about the plot on November 1st, 1605.

But can you tell me what it was?

Was it, A...

The answer is...

..B.

I got hold of the Monteagle letter.

It was sent to Baron Monteagle

and it mysteriously told him to stay away from Parliament.

The letter said that Parliament would receive a terrible blow

and I guessed someone was going to try and blow it up,

so I ordered the building to be searched,

thereby saving this handsome creature.

Honestly, you write one book about catching witches,

and they take it so personally.

You're not a witch, are you?

Hello...are you a witch?

Seriously, come over here.

Show me... Show me your witchy eyes.

What? I'm not obsessed, mate! You're obsessed!

OWL TOOTS

Fawkes. HIGH-PITCHED: Whoa!

Sorry to interrupt, mate.

Apparently some joker's trying to blow up the Houses Of Parliament.

Oh... You haven't seen him around, have you?

Nope.

OK. Fair enough. We'll leave you to it.

Have a good night, and...

Hang on a second...

..that's a lot of firewood to be stacking

right underneath the Houses Of Parliament.

Is it? I wouldn't really know. I'm just a lowly servant man...

..looking after a cellar full of wood...

..for my boss, Thomas Percy.

Fair enough. Well, boys, looks like nothing dodgy is going on here.

Let us know if you see anything strange. Will do.

Let's go find the guy. Eh?

What? You said "Guy".

Is your name Guy?

No. What's your name?

John. John what?

John...son. John...Johnson. My name's John Johnson.

John Johnson?

Yeah.

Lovely to meet you, John Johnson.

HEARTY LAUGH Good to meet you, too!

Better let you get on with it.

Let us know if you see anyone up to no good. Johnson's your man.

That was a close one.

Proof, if ever, that God is on our side.

Nothing can stop us now.

CRASHING

Just one more thing...

Wait a second, what's all this?

John Johnson, you are nicked! Drop that barrel of gunpowder!

I don't think that would be a very good idea.

You're probably right!

And there you have it, fireworks fans.

That's why I'm here.

Yes, my race is run. The king has me in his clutches,

but the rest of the guys, Catesby and co, still on the loose.

Hopefully, they can turn this thing around.

I mean, while they've got some gunpowder,

the gunpowder plot is still alive, baby!

Can't do any worse than old John Johnson here, can they?

Actually, they can. Oh, come on!

With Guy Fawkes now captured,

lead investigator Sheriff Richard Walsh and his men

are hot on the trail of Catesby and his fugitive crew,

including Thomas Wintour and Everett Digby.

OK, quick recap, guys.

Fawkes is out of the picture, and parliament is safe,

but Robert Catesby and the rest of the conspirators

still want to start a rebellion.

So let's hunt them down.

It's pretty obvious they'll head for the Midlands and the weather's bad,

so we should look out for some soaking wet stressed-out Catholics.

I'm stressed. I'm super stressed! Everything's ruined!

Come on, Wintour, Digby, everything will be fine!

Will it, Catesby? Will it?

Cos our plan's just gone up in smoke!

Or rather, it didn't. That was the old plan.

Old plan? Yeah. The new plan is that we lie low here,

at Holbeche House in Staffordshire,

drum up support, start a revolt.

They'll never see us coming.

They'll be lying low, drumming up support,

trying to start a revolt. That's standard.

Catesby's crew are drying out inside Holbeche House.

It's going great, guys.

We've got hundreds of willing men.

All the willing men have left.

HE WAILS

Never mind.

There are a SMALL group of willing men who can move fast

and achieve a lot. I tell you what,

getting hold of those horses, now THAT was a stroke of luck.

We've got word of some stolen horses in Warwick.

Let's go and check it out.

There's gonna be fireworks.

FIREWORK BANGS

There...

Now, that...

..is how you dry gunpowder.

CHUCKLING Look...

..I know I'm not the explosives expert,

but...I'm sure there was something to remember

about gunpowder and fire.

How else are you meant to dry it? Well, I dunno!

It doesn't work if it's wet. We didn't have much of a choice.

Don't worry,

it's perfectly safe... EXPLOSION

Oh, my eyes, I can't see!

Come on!

THEY COUGH

Come on, man! Surely you can see that the plan is still there!

I can't see anything any more! Calm down! They'll never find us.

We found them.

Do you think we should just... give up?

Never. It's fine.

Don't worry about it.

It's all... GUNSHOT

..good.

Uh...if you say so, Catesby.

Catesby? Hard luck, guys, you've been hunted down.

And in some cases, shot. What happened?

Did we win?

WHIMPERING: I'll take that as a no.

Yo, yo, King James in the house.

And looky what we have here.

Mr John Johnson.

If that is your real name.

A letter was found on your person addressed to one Guy Fawkes.

No comment. Oh, don't worry.

I'll find out if you're telling the truth...

..by allowing Sir William Wade and his men

to use their powers of persuasion.

Persuasion, sir? We usually just torture them.

Yes, Wade. I was trying to be subtle and intimidating.

Begin, Wade! Start lightly, getting more severe if he resists.

Very well, Your Majesty.

Oh, come on, then! Do your worst!

Uh-oh...

..tickle time!

Uh, Sir William...

..I think threatening him with a feather is a little too light.

I'm very ticklish, though. More than a feather.

Set him on fire? No! Split the difference?

Er, the rack? There we go! No! That's the sort of thing!

Start with the manacles and work your way up.

Now, off to get tortured, you go.

Ooh, will you look at that! Guy is no longer here to speak to you.

I wonder why that is.

I'm trying to say we had him executed,

and not in a nice way. But your friend of mine - me -

was very much alive and kicking. Booyeah!

Now, the gunpowder plot was an epic fail,

and it kind of felt like everyone

should celebrate that fact every year.

So me and my Parliament made that a rule for November 5th.

Boo! Ha-ha-ha, the fun we had.

This is Jimmy on the street, I'm James I

or Jimmy VI, if you're Scottish,

and the best day of the year

is finally here - the 5th of November, 1606,

the day we all celebrate me still being alive!

Cheer, Robert. WEAKLY: Yay.

Yay! My adviser Robert Cecil, here, is right to cheer.

What a day!

You! If you could say one word, what would it be?

No-one cares! OK, come on! Oh, you! Unnamed female,

what are you doing? Er, building a bonfire.

Why? Because you ordered us to celebrate.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Go burn everything...

..to celebrate ME not getting burned.

Yes, one whole day to reflect what an absolute blessing it was

that I didn't get bumped off by that mean old Guy Fawkes

and his wee pals. And that day is today, the 5th of November.

Should be the 4th, really.

Have you got something to say, Cecil?

Well...

..Guy Fawkes was discovered on the 4th of November, so technically,

we should have celebrated yesterday.

Is there a day to celebrate YOU, Robert?

No, Your Majesty.

No, there isn't.

Well, there is for ME, pal,

and that day is today, the 5th of November.

Which way? Which way? This way.

No, this way! What about you?

Oh, you're too wooden. Agh!

Burn! Burn! Burn!

This thing is just gonna keep getting bigger.

I'm picturing gun salutes,

bell-ringing, you know, mayoral processions.

And in July, OK, Christian of Denmark even brought me a firework

which they let off in celebration. Tell them about it.

It was broad daylight in the middle of July,

so when it went off, no-one could really see anything.

Which made it all the more impressive.

He's not wrong! So many chances to celebrate your fave king, me,

the 5th of November. Don't forget that date.

I'm expecting people to be celebrating that date

for many centuries to come.

Remember, remember the 5th of November. That's stupid.

That rhyme could literally apply to any day in November.

Well, it could be the 4th of November.

No. You!

Celebrate me more!

Why is that not on fire? Everything should be on fire! Right,

I'm off to sing a total banger about the history of fireworks.

Happy Bonfire Night, everyone!

# The birth of fireworks

# An ancient Chinese tale

# Wei Boyang tried to live forever but was doomed to fail

# He mixed three powders up

# Thought they would be a hit

# He didn't live so long but now the spark was lit

# Cos when you add some heat

# And then retreat

# It starts to smoke and spark

# And lights the dark... #

EXPLOSION

Oh! This really seems to help my psoriasis.

# Yes, he had made an eczema cure

# Applied the mixture to the sore

# Not what he was looking for

# Must be more to this for sure

# Little fireworks go zoom, zoom, zoom

# But fill a barrel and it's boom, boom, boom

# We'll blow the king across the room, room, room

# Then Catholic England can resume-sume-sume

# Cos they were using gunpowder

# That started as an eczema cure

# But Guy Fawkes' plan did not go bang

# And soon he was a captured man

# Now no matter where you go

# Fireworks put on a show

# Hear the crowds go aah, aah, ooh

# Entertainment just for you. #

Uh-oh...

..tickle.

Uh-oh...

HE LAUGHS

..tickle...

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #