Original subtitles

Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

Dingy castles, daring knights

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Punishment from ancient times

Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

Mean and measly Middle Ages

Horrible Histories presents...

TV: Ten minutes to go and the Lionesses lead.

This could be the greatest game we've ever seen!

Come on, girls!

Oh, and it's a penalty!

Wait, what?

Why has the telly gone off?

Is this a bad time?

Yes, I was just watching the footy.

And why are you in my house?

I'm here to interview you for our football special.

You mustn't have got my emails.

Emails?

Anyway, first question.

Jill Scott, footy legend, how many goals did you score for England?

27?

27. Wow!

And what do you know about the history of football?

Not loads, but I know I'd rather be watching it.

Well, Jill, watch this instead.

Football, as we know it, hasn't been around that long, but people

have been kicking a ball around for thousands of years.

Seriously, how did you get into my house?

I'm a rat. I can get in anywhere.

It's January, and with Ratchester United bottom of the table,

the manager is bringing in new blood.

OK, lads, now obviously, the team has been on a bit of a bad run,

so I've decided to bring in some backup.

And the good news is, I've been scouring history for some

of the best ball players ever. History?

With modern transfer fees through the roof,

Sam is turning to the past for new signings.

First is a ball game player from 14th-century Mexico.

Not everyone is happy.

This boy, Illhuicamina - come here, lad -

is a Mayan pok-a-tok superstar from Central America.

He's literally lost every match he's played.

Hang on. You said, "lost"?

Yeah. We struggled to sign any of the winners.

Rumour has it the Mayans sacrificed them all to the gods.

Oh, yeah. And you have to pass to his hips or his head.

Pok-a-tok players aren't allowed to use their feet.

Maybe he should play in goal, then?

They're not allowed to use their hands, either.

But don't worry! With him on our side, we'll soon start winning.

Woah, Illsy, Illsy! Illsy, Illsy, don't worry. Come here, you're safe.

People are nice to the winners in our league.

Apart from on the Internet.

Historical players are a nightmare, man.

When Juventus signed three Mongol Warriors,

they had to play with a severed head.

I mean, I don't care if that's how you played under Genghis Khan.

It ruins your boots, doesn't it?

GROWLING

Next up, Peng Xiyun.

Peng is a legendary Cuju player from Han China, 2,000 years ago.

Cuju players are freestylers

but they don't mind a tough tackle, either.

Their ball might be filled with feathers,

but these players are made of iron.

And check this out.

Nailed it.

That's class.

You get different types of leaders in football.

You know, it might be a towering centre-half.

It might be a goal-scoring talisman.

It might be a Chinese lady from 2,000 years ago.

And then finally, Pete's a football player from the 15th century.

Well, at least he knows football, then.

Of course I know football.

Why do you think I brought my dirty club?

Good lad.

There are three main parts to my game.

It's control, pace and bash it.

We're going to play a 4-3-1-1-1 system.

You four in defence, you give it to Peng,

who crosses it into Illsey, who heads it into the net.

Gaffer, it'll never work. The goalie will see it coming.

Not with two black eyes, he won't.

Tactics.

Well, I mean, either it'll work brilliantly,

or everyone will be sent off inside the first 30 seconds.

It's time to get back to training.

But club captain Matty Ward ain't pleased.

Right. I want a transfer.

Oh, that's great news, because I'm selling you,

to the Ancient Greek Episkyros team.

Don't bother packing your kit.

They play in the nude.

CRIES OF PAIN

Men!

You have made Caesar proud this day!

ALL: Hail, Caesar!

HE COUGHS

How many casualties?

One dead.

Three more may not make it.

Several lost limbs.

In all, half the men who went in won't be fighting again soon.

A small price to pay.

Urgh!

Is it, though?

What? It's just a game, isn't it?

This is more than a game, Tribune.

We've been playing Harpastum for hundreds of years!

It's also a great way of building team spirit,

of exercising in preparation for war.

How are these guys going to fight in a war

when they've battered each other senseless?

Look, I love the game.

Two teams of trained killers doing everything they can to stop

the other team getting hold of the small ball.

Ah, the beautiful game.

But it's dangerous!

According to Cicero, someone got killed last week

who wasn't even playing.

They were just near the pitch, having a shave.

And the ball is needlessly hard, like a nut.

On me head, son! Heads!

Ow.

What's your point?

Why do you insist on letting our soldiers

injure themselves so much playing a ball game?

Well, if they can do that to themselves, just imagine

what they can do to the enemy?

Ha. If any of them are left.

SHOUTING Kick him! Go on, get stuck in!

Football's had a lot of celebrity fans

and players throughout history.

Henry VIII owned football boots and

Pope John Paul II played in goal.

He'd be no match for my headers, though. Get in!

And Sherlock Holmes creator Arthur Conan Doyle

actually played in goal for Portsmouth. 2-0!

Even Shakespeare couldn't stop mentioning football in his plays.

GLASS SMASHES Oi! Sorry!

Smashed it.

You dog, you cur, you slave!

I am none of these, my Lord.

I beseech your pardon!

OK, hold it there. Guys, I'm really feeling it.

Erm, King Lear. Fantastic work.

I just wonder if you couldn't say something even ruder.

You elephant-nosed tree fish!

I'll probably write it. Oh, yeah.

Great work, Shakey! Another winner.

We've got the King here, too.

Have this man killed for treason!

I'm only joking. OK, so what's this play called?

King Lear, Your Majesty.

It's a story of an elderly king with three daughters

who are fighting over his kingdom as he...

Aye, aye, good, good. Now, listen, Shakey.

I'm getting it in the neck from the Puritans who hate sport.

In fact, I'm even going to have to introduce

a few new laws restricting it.

So it makes me look really bad when my own personal playwright

keeps filling his plays with sports references.

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

Oh, yes, you do, Shakey.

You are a nerd for sport and you just can't help yourself.

I'm not a sports nerd!

Gentlemen!

Henry V, Scene Two.

Well... And, action.

What treasure, uncle?

Tennis balls, my liege.

Ah, see, sports nerd.

OK, yeah. There may be one or two references.

A Comedy Of Errors, gentlemen, you know the bit I'm talking about.

Am I so round with you as you with me,

that like a football, you do spurn me, thus.

Ooh! A football, this time, sports nerd!

Plus, we've got wrestling in As You Like It,

there's falconry, archery, do I need to go on?

You have my word, Majesty.

There will be no mention of sport in King Lear.

That's great to hear, Shakey. Thanks. Sounds good.

OK, let's go from Act 1, Scene 4. Action!

I'll not be strucken, my Lord.

Nor tripped, neither, you base football player!

Sports nerd!

Oh, no!

WHISPERING: We're about to go and see our team, Southampton FC,

or as some people like to call us, The Saints. Shush!

We're one of the oldest football teams in the country.

We got our nickname, The Saints, as we were founded in 1885

by members of this very church, St Mary's. Shush!

No-one wants to hear about your football team!

The vicar's about to start his sermon!

We are gathered in this hallowed place to give thanks...

..for last week's 3-0 win and to pray

for our beloved team, Southampton FC.

May they thrash the opposition and show them

what a bunch losers they are!

On your head, vicar!

CHEERING

Woo!

Welcome to Match Of That Day, the show that gives boredom

the red card, and we're kicking off with historical What Happened Next.

Now, we have here three football fans of the past.

First up, we have Mary Queen of Scots.

One of the first known footballs was found in her bedroom.

Next to her, it's Oliver Cromwell.

He wanted football banned, and said it was sinful.

BOOING

And finally, it's Edward Elgar, classical composer

and Wolverhampton Wanderers superfan.

OK, guys, it's time for historical What Happened Next.

And we're heading to 1877.

It's the FA Cup Final, between Oxford University and Wanderers FC

from north-east England.

COMMENTATOR: Wanderers are through on goal.

He shoots, and it's saved by Lord Kinnaird.

OK, what actually happened next? Your Majesty?

Perhaps... 300 villagers charge in, flatten the opposition.

And then they pick up the ball, run three miles with it, place

it down on a stone in order to score a point.

Classic football.

HE LAUGHS Things have changed, a lot!

Ollie. Oliver.

Erm, don't know.

Were they all arrested? They should have been.

Plus, obviously, in that position, he should have passed.

No. Edward Elgar.

Did the goalie, Lord Kinnaird, immediately score an own goal, much

to the amusement of the opposite team and supporters, and myself?

There's only one way to find out! Let's take a look.

COMMENTATOR: Great celebrations from His Lordship.

Oh, no! But what an error!

He's crossed the goal line!

It's an own goal!

Game!

You're right!

The goalie scored an own goal by crossing his own goal line,

celebrating a save he just made! That's brilliant!

What the blazes is a goalie?

Wow. Football really has changed since your time.

Lord Kinnaird was so embarrassed about his own goal, he got the FA

to remove it from their official records.

Anything you'd get removed from your records, Jill?

To be fair, probably a couple of red cards I've got over the years,

but I'd quite like to remove you from my sofa.

I'll ignore that and ask my next question.

Did you know that football, as we know it, is quite

a recent invention? Really?

Yes. In the 19th century there were lots of teams all around Britain,

but they had loads of different, weird rules.

So matches would just be chaos.

And that's why the Football Association, the FA, was set

up to improve the game, by making sure everyone played

by the same rules.

The FA began when the various football clubs

met at a pub in London.

Gentlemen! Thank you very much for attending this meeting,

where we hope to agree on a set of official rules

for the sport of football.

EVERYONE: Hear, hear!

I see some of the biggest football clubs are here today.

The War Office Club. The War Office Club, reporting for duty, sir!

The Crusaders.

The No Names of Kilburn. Who are ya?! Yes.

And We Panicked When Choosing A Name. Sorry.

And we have a representative from the Rugby school club.

Really chuffed to be here, guys.

I think we can all agree on the basics.

This is a game played in shorts. ALL: Yes!

When a ball is kicked towards the goal.

ALL: Hear, hear!

And the players can touch the ball with their hands.

Wait, what? Yeah, they chuck it to their team-mate.

He runs down the pitch. He touches it on the try line for a try.

Bob's your uncle. It's a goal.

That is NOT how we play football!

It's how we play in Rugby.

Well...

..why don't you go away and make up

your own rules for Rugby football instead?

No need to shout, though.

Right. I'm sure the rest of us can agree on the rules of football.

It's a game where the players attempt to kick a ball

without using their hands.

Unless you do a really good catch anywhere on the pitch. Exactly.

If you make a great catch, you earn yourself a free kick.

No, it should just be kicking.

It's called football, after all.

I don't know. Quite a lot of us really enjoy catching.

And no passing forward.

The only way to pass is sideways or backwards.

Can I just say, this is beginning to sound a lot like my game?

Shush! Rugby! Right. Let's talk about goals.

The goal should have two posts.

Yes, absolutely.

And then above that, some kind of bar.

No, no, no, no, no.

Just two posts. And if the ball goes through the posts

at any height, it's a goal.

So the rules are you can sometimes catch the ball,

you cannot pass it forward, and the goal is infinitely tall.

This is getting scary, man.

This sounds exactly like my sport.

Button it, Rugby!

No, no, you don't understand.

THEY TALK AT ONCE

So, all we can agree on is that you can kick the ball.

Even though throwing and catching is much more fun.

Ha! Caught it!

Right... I've had enough of this!

BOOING

We're on our way to watch our favourite team, Everton FC. Whay!

Although some people call our team The Toffees.

And here's why.

Ye Ancient Everton Toffee House.

We come here before every match for a bag of their famous toffees.

Even Queen Victoria and Charles Dickens love Everton toffees.

Hey, come on, let's hear it for our favourite team!

CHEERING

Yeah, well, as you can tell, they're a bit sticky.

Yeah!

In the summer of 1863 comes the story of one footballer's fight

to still be allowed to kick

people during a match.

Francis Campbell stars in...

Until now, kicking another player's shins to get the ball,

hacking, as we call it, has been legal.

But we at the Football Association propose to ban it!

SHOUTING

Over my dead body!

What are you going to do about it, Campbell?

THUDDING KICK Oh!

Oh! Should have seen that coming!

CRIES OF PAIN

Banning shin-kicking? What are you thinking?

You will do away with the courage and pluck of the game.

I'm leaving the Football Association and I'm taking

my football team, Blackheath, with me.

THUDDING KICK Oh! I supported it!

Campbell was a man who played by his own rules.

At least, that was the plan.

HE SCREAMS Ye-e-s! Textbook hacking!

Well played, Blackheath!

Haven't you heard? Your team have banned hacking too!

What? Why?

CAMPBELL SCREAMS

Oh, I do get that now, actually.

Kick Him Like Campbell...

That smarts!

..hacking its way onto screen soon.

CAMPBELL WHIMPERS

Hello, I'm Lady Florence Dixie, activist, adventurer,

and president of the BLFC,

the British Ladies' Football Club,

the world's first

women's football club.

And this is my pet jaguar,

Athens, who I brought back from my travels in South America.

HE EXCLAIMS IN FRIGHT No, don't run.

He'll just think you want to play.

This man is a newspaper journalist who wrote an article about my team

the year after it was formed.

But what complaint did he make about women's football

in the article?

Was it A, that there weren't enough women's teams?

B, that the kits we played in allowed our legs to be seen?

Or C, that women's football was much more dangerous than men's?

The answer is...

..B. The newspaper actually complained

that our football kits allow the calves of our legs to be seen.

Although, I must say, football can be dangerous, particularly

for journalists who say mean things.

Isn't that right, Athens?

JOURNALIST SCREAMS IN TERROR

Ooh! SHE LAUGHS

The British Ladies' Football Club was founded in 1894, so women's

football SHOULD have been going strong for almost 130 years, Jill.

However, the FA banned it! RECORD SCRATCHES

What are your thoughts on that?

I just can't imagine being banned from playing football.

I know!

So yeah, about 100 years ago, women's football

was massively popular, right up until the FA shut it down.

Talk about foul play!

WHISTLE BLOWS

I say, is this the Dick, Kerr Ladies' Football Club?

Ooh, dear!

Yes. We are. The best team in the country.

We're practically unbeaten this season.

Oh. Ooh! Ooh, handball.

This is Lily Parr.

43 goals in her first season as a player. Legend.

That may be, but, as of the 5th of December, 1921,

you ladies cannot play here. WHISTLE BLOWS

What? But that's tomorrow, why?

The Football Association have banned women from playing football on FA

grounds, including this one.

Oof! HE SPLUTTERS

But why?

People just don't really want to see women playing football.

We had 20,000 people come and watch us play last week,

they were turning them away at the gate.

Well, football is a man's game. SHE SNORTS

The game is unsuitable for ladies. Urgh.

And personally, I feel that women aren't physically strong enough.

Oh dear! Listen, mister. We play two matches a week, and this isn't

even our proper job. SHE LAUGHS

We build trains Monday to Friday in the factory, so don't

you worry about us. HE LAUGHS

Well, I'm sorry, but the doctors say that the physical exertion

from football could be dangerous to delicate ladies such as yourself.

This is ridiculous.

We're the most popular team in the country!

Football is our life. What'll we do instead?

Well, I don't know. Speed knitting? TOGETHER: Oh!

Maybe a full-contact jam-making? SHE GASPS

How about a five-a-side flower arranging?

I'll arrange some flowers right up your... Lily!

So that's it, then?

We're banned?

Yes, yes. Yes, you are. Right.

Ladies, shooting practice. I say, what are you up to?

THEY GRUNT WITH EFFORT Go on, Lily!

THEY LAUGH Oh, back of the net! Ref, ref!

Half-time!

Welcome back to historical What Happened Next?

This time, we're in 1930 at the first-ever World Cup.

The USA are playing Argentina in the semifinals,

but what happened next?

COMMENTATOR: And the USA are on the attack here and...

Oh no, the striker has gone down

with what looks to be a knee injury.

On comes the physio.

Let's hope it's not too serious.

Mary, what actually happened next?

IN A FRENCH ACCENT: I actually attended one of the first ever

international matches over 400 years ago.

Some of my French and Scottish attendants took on a team

of English servants.

IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT: The game lasted for over two hours.

It was brutal.

Oliver Cromwell? I refuse to comment.

Football is a frivolous game.

But didn't you play football back when you were at university?

It was a wild rumour started by an old friend

who was probably annoyed because I never passed him the ball.

Did the crowd, at the top of their voices, scream and shout:

"He banged the leather for the goal"?

I started that chant at Wolves, and it's the first

football chant anywhere.

That's true. But the wrong answer, I'm afraid.

What?! Let's take a look.

COMMENTATOR: He has some chloroform there,

that will put the player to sleep if he's in too much pain.

Oh, no! He's dropped it.

The chloroform fumes look to be taking hold, and...

Yes, he's knocked himself out!

HE LAUGHS

I know some matches are dull,

but who goes to sleep in the middle of an exciting game?

HE LAUGHS

THEY SNORE

I shouldn't have asked!

USA lost to Argentina 6-1 in that match, Jill.

What was the worst defeat you suffered in your career?

I think it was the Euros 2009 final.

We actually got beat 6-2 off Germany.

What about the biggest hammering you gave someone?

Ooh. Well, it's probably not a hammering,

but we got our own back in 2022 with that Euros victory at Wembley.

I still can't believe the physio

knocked himself out there, though, Jill.

What's the strangest thing you've ever seen on a football pitch?

I went to a Sunderland match once and the player scored

and it deflected in off a beach ball.

HE LAUGHS That's a good one!

Here's a good one, though.

A match from 1945 involving Arsenal,

in which their toughest opposition was...

..the weather.

Welcome to London for today's match.

At least that's where we think we are.

We can't actually see anything through the fog.

WHISTLE BLOWS I think that was a whistle, Roger.

Yes, Arsenal are now down to ten men.

No, they're back up to 11.

The sent-off player has sneaked back onto the pitch.

That's surely against the rules.

It certainly is, Gabby, but no one's even seen him do it.

And it looks like Moscow are sneaking an extra two players

onto the pitch.

They've got 13 players now, Gabby!

I think maybe there may be even more than that, Roger.

It's very hard to tell. At last, some action.

The goalkeeper could be tested here.

Oh, no, no, no!

The Arsenal goalkeeper has knocked himself unconscious on the goalpost.

So Arsenal are without a goalie.

No, one of the Arsenal fans has come onto the pitch and is acting

as replacement goalie.

WHISTLE BLOWS And the ref has blown his whistle

for what we can only hope is the end of the game!

And at full-time, the score is... HE HESITATES

..possibly 4-3 to the Russian team.

Excuse me. Do you know where the changing rooms are?

Changing rooms?!

I can barely see Roger and he's standing right next to me!

CRASH Roger?

Gabby? Send help!

Hi, I'm Ken Aston, head of the Referees' Committee,

and this is Antonio Rattin.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH ANGRILY

Right. I don't think he's very happy.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

As you can see, he just got sent off

in the 1966 World Cup quarter-final,

and no-one really knows why.

Communication between referees and players

was pretty confusing in the old days.

Luckily, after watching this match, I had the idea of using

red and yellow cards to make things clearer.

But what gave me that idea?

Was it...

The answer is C!

I saw some traffic lights on the way home

and the colours gave me the idea for a yellow and red card.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

IN ENGLISH: Unbelievable!

They are unbelievable.

Thank you!

Welcome back to historical What Happened Next?

For our final question, we're heading to 1902

and a football match in Germany.

COMMENTATOR: Lovely runs. He's turned the defender. Schmidt must score!

WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, but the ref's blown his whistle!

So why did the referee blow his whistle?

FRENCH ACCENT: A football is made from a pig's bladder

wrapped in a deer skin.

So did an angry deer run onto the pitch, and then...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..stick his antlers where the sun don't shine?

HE LAUGHS Oliver Cromwell.

Oh, I care not for such trifles.

But if I had to guess, I'd probably say, is the match stopped

so someone can carry a coffin across the pitch?

I'm afraid that's absolutely ridiculous.

And absolutely correct! What?!

Yeah. There's kind of a logic, if you follow it through.

BELL TOLLS

COMMENTATOR: There must be two sports pitches next to a cemetery,

so the game must be paused each time a coffin needs taking across.

Very respectable form from these players.

Oh, but what's this?

I suppose you could call that deadly accuracy.

That's brilliant! HE LAUGHS

Well, that's it for Match Of That Day.

See you next time!

Jill, what's your favourite thing about football?

I think it has to be just being part of a team, making lots of friends.

I think that's the most important thing.

Now, we usually finish with a song.

What's your go-to karaoke banger?

It has to be Sweet Caroline.

I knew you'd say that!

Although finishing with that would be interesting and memorable

in all kinds of ways, Jill, I think we'll go with this one instead.

I'll just pop the TV back on.

ALL:

more than goals

more than goals

TOGETHER: went by, even more rules applied

ALL:

And look at us now.

ALL:

more than goals

ALL:

CHEERING

High-five!

Call yourselves gentlemen. Pah!

I'm leaving.

THEY LAUGH

when you're keen on it.

THEY LAUGH