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1
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:04,440
Oh, my God.
2
00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:10,000
Dad!
3
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,160
What?
4
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,960
The lights!
It's the middle of the day.
5
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,000
Sorry, Gem.
6
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,000
But you're better at all that
than me, aren't you?
7
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,160
What?!
8
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,000
Better at turning lights off?
9
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,840
That's not a life skill, Dad.
10
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,560
Chickens can turn lights off.
11
00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:25,200
Well, it was your mum
that turned the lights off
12
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,240
in the old house, you know.
13
00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,120
She had her system,
so I didn't like to interfere.
14
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:29,760
Well, I'm not Mum,
so you need to learn
15
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,760
when the appropriate time
to have lights on and off is.
16
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,320
But do you want a hint? Yeah.
17
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,680
If it's dark, turn them on.
18
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,040
If it's not dark,
19
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,280
turn the fucking lights off!
20
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,360
All right. If you don't mind me
saying, you're a bit stressed
21
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:42,920
for someone who's just
been to a yoga class.
22
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,600
Well, you're costing me
all this money, Dad.
23
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,320
All the lights are on,
45-minute showers.
24
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,320
I need a long shower, don't I?
25
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,480
I need to, like, you know,
get things out of my system.
26
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,240
Ugh, what things?!
27
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,560
And then this morning I find out
Baris has put the rent up.
28
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,320
I thought you were supposed
to speak to him?
29
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,360
Yeah, I did, I did -
30
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,760
but it was mostly about nunchuks.
31
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,520
You know, I'm just not
good at confrontation, am I, Gem?
32
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,120
Well, strap in, because we're
about to have a big bloody row.
33
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,280
OK.
34
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:11,520
I can't afford to cover all this.
35
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,400
Not once I'm on maternity leave.
PHONE VIBRATES
36
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,920
So you're gonna need to take up
extra shifts at the warehouse...
37
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,840
Dad! Hello? Are you even listening?
38
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,600
Yeah, shifts. Warehouse.
39
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,960
Sorry, I just need to check
if this is Helen.
40
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,120
"Helen"?
41
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,400
Yeah. It's my girlfriend.
42
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:25,640
What?!
43
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,280
I didn't know
whether I was ready, you know,
44
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:28,760
and then I got a postcard
from your mum
45
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:31,640
saying her loins had shrivelled up
and died the last time we, er...
46
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,040
Ugh! So I thought to myself,
"Come on, Malcolm,
47
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,240
"she's not coming back."
48
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,560
You know? Time for pastures new -
49
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,360
and then Helen just
popped into my life.
50
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,520
How did you meet a woman?
51
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,080
Well we've not "met" met,
you know, just...
52
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,600
Well, we met in cyberspace.
53
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,200
You know, on an app.
54
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,840
Oh, Dad...
55
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,520
We need to have a chat
about catfishing.
56
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,120
He's driving me nuts.
57
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,800
Obviously.
58
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,440
He dried his underpants in
the microwave the other day. Oh!
59
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,920
I shouldn't have to tell
my own father
60
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,480
what he can and can't put
in the microwave.
61
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,720
Hey, you should put
a note on it, like Mum did.
62
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:11,800
Do you remember?
63
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,720
"No metal spoons, Malcolm.
You twat."
64
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,040
Ooh, maybe I should
make him a sign.
65
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,960
Oh, my God. What?
66
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,720
You're turning into mum!
67
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:23,240
I am not.
68
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:24,440
You are!
69
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,080
He's turning you
into a replacement wife.
70
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,520
Oh! Oh...
71
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,040
I don't know how I'm gonna
cope when the baby gets here.
72
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,880
You need to get yourself a business
plan to get out of this mess.
73
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:39,920
Your last "business plan"
got you incarcerated -
74
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,920
but, go ahead, Apprentice me,
Jeffrey Bezos.
75
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,320
Well...
76
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:49,160
..given your very limited skillset,
77
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,120
I think your best option
78
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:57,800
is to find a rich, and
preferably senile, guy ASAP.
79
00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,520
Asap!
80
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:02,840
I'm good, 'in't I?
81
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:03,880
Mm.
82
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,320
Fuck.
83
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,720
If she won't let me
see the kids this weekend,
84
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,880
she is not getting
the crunchy bears.
85
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,280
Bloody women.
86
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,440
Yeah.
87
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:20,280
Talking of women, I have been
looking for a companion on this app,
88
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,120
and I've found one.
89
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:25,280
Yeah, and we've been chatting,
you know - and her name is Helen.
90
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,640
She's 50 and she works
at the hospital,
91
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,520
and she doesn't have
any kids or anything.
92
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,040
All right. Bang her, then leave her.
93
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,680
Yeah. Definitely. It's just...
94
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,440
I think I'm in love with her.
HE SCOFFS
95
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,360
She-She's really funny you know
and she just says things like...
96
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,800
Oh, Malcolm.
97
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,600
Women aren't funny.
98
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:42,840
Show me.
99
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:49,520
You dirty old dog!
100
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,000
This is a hook-up app!
101
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,040
A what?
102
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,160
Casual sex.
103
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,080
No. No, Helen wouldn't do that.
104
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:59,200
Malcolm, I promise you, this app is
for finding a no-strings fuck buddy.
105
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,440
B-But I like strings, don't I?
106
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,240
I mean, strings are
romantic, aren't they?
107
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,200
Let's see if she's turned on the
"mutual attraction" feature.
108
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,320
What?
109
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,000
It lets you find each other,
so you can meet up and smash.
110
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,000
What, without
going to the cinema first?
111
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,280
Bingo.
112
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,880
I use this for my casual
encounters all the time.
113
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,960
Or I will do. I'm just, er...
114
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,840
..just waiting for a couple
of rashes to clear up.
115
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,720
Give us it back.
116
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,480
So, you get this boring
notification that alerts you
117
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,280
when you're within
five metres of each other,
118
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,400
or you can pay extra for this.
119
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,440
AIRHORN
AUTOMATION: Wow, wow, pussy alert.
120
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,080
Want me to add it to yours too?
Wow, wow pussy alert.
121
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,240
No, no, thanks.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
122
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,840
I'm fine with the factory settings.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
123
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,080
Wow, wow, pussy alert...
124
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,880
Rita, they're out of
decaf at the minimart.
125
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,640
Do you want me to go to
the big shop? Oh, no need, love.
126
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,440
Ooh, I know -
let's open the tequila instead.
127
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,120
It's 9am,
and I'm 18 weeks pregnant.
128
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,600
Winnie'll have one won't you?
Little minx.
129
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:53,440
And I work so much better
when I'm a few glasses down.
130
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,840
Congratulations, Gemma, love!
131
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:58,080
And we don't know
who the father is, do we?
132
00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,480
Is it that old one?
133
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,480
I thought you dumped
that old one months ago.
134
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:03,000
I did dump him.
135
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,480
Because he wanted to settle down
and have kids and I didn't.
136
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,440
Oh! Mm, the irony.
137
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,120
Adam actually asked me to marry him.
138
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:12,000
And why the hell didn't you,
you silly mare?
139
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,720
You can't be turning men
down in your condition.
140
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:15,960
I wasn't pregnant when he asked.
141
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,720
He owned that bungalow outright.
142
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,600
His trousers weren't
made of polyester.
143
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,000
I'd kill for a man like that.
144
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,200
I wasn't in love with him.
145
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,480
Love? Pah.
146
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:26,840
I've been married four times,
Gemma, and not once was it for love.
147
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:28,960
A house, a car,
some exquisite crockery -
148
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,440
but never love.
149
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:32,240
That's really sad, Rita.
150
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,920
I didn't plan on getting wed at all.
151
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,200
When I was your age,
152
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:36,720
I was after joining MI6
153
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:40,040
and being one of those spies
that shagged about for secrets.
154
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,600
Am I gonna regret asking
why you didn't become a spy?
155
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:47,040
I sucked off Mike Baldwin on a tour
of the Coronation Street set.
156
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,520
They found out -
they said I wasn't very discerning.
157
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,760
How did they find out?
158
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:53,400
Oh, I must have done it
on camera by accident.
159
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,800
Didn't know I did Kevin Webster
too, though, did they? Hmm?
160
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,600
Bloody MI6. They don't know shit.
161
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,320
I'm sorry,
what are you trying to tell me?
162
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,040
Well, life is about compromise.
163
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,920
Especially for us girls.
164
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,160
My sister said something
very similar.
165
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,440
Just because she's in prison
166
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,960
for paying a man to push another
man down a lift-shaft...
167
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,160
Off a fire escape.
168
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,760
..does not mean
she gives bad advice.
169
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,760
And you can tell your dad
he's welcome to pop in
170
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,640
for a Corrie Special
whenever he likes.
171
00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,680
Rita! I'm just saying.
172
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,360
Want a top up, Winnie?
173
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,080
Oh, you've not finished that one.
174
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,640
Thanks for coming with me. Um...
175
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,400
So, sorry, which one am I?
176
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,160
The blue dot that's moving,
because of how you're moving.
177
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,480
Who's the pink one?
178
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,680
Fucking Helen!
179
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:35,760
OK. All right...
180
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,360
There's two fucking dots, Malcolm.
Yeah, I know, I know.
181
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,120
Sorry. I get confused.
Get your head in the game, man!
182
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,400
I don't know...
183
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,280
So, what's she like?
Other than well up for it?
184
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,640
She's lovely.
185
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,840
We watch Emily In Paris
at the same time
186
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,000
and then message each other
about what Emily's wearing.
187
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,120
Weak.
188
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,320
Should get her to
watch some UFC with you.
189
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:55,360
If she's turned on by a man
190
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,840
round-housing another man's
head off, then she's a keeper.
191
00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,280
She's a vegan, which is a worry,
192
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:00,440
in case I smell of meat.
193
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:01,720
Do I smell of meat?
194
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,600
HE SNIFFS
195
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,560
I mean, a bit.
But, you know, in a good way.
196
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,160
She runs. Mental.
197
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:10,720
And she believes in angels.
198
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,160
What?
199
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,800
Yeah. She believes in angels.
200
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,360
You know, that they, like...
201
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:17,640
..they walk amongst us -
202
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,160
and it's very important
that I believe in that, too.
203
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,120
Well, do you? Well, er...
204
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,080
I could. I mean, why not?
205
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,640
PHONE VIBRATES
206
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:26,880
OK. She's heading towards us.
207
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,080
Now's your chance.
208
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,080
55-year-old male, arrived by car.
209
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:35,000
Lacerations to both legs
after a strimmer accident.
210
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,360
Careful...
211
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,800
He went into cardiac
arrest on the way here.
212
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,080
Oh, my God, Malcolm!
Did you see that?
213
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,480
I know.
214
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,120
I used to love using my strimmer.
215
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:48,720
Derek...
216
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,160
What kind of bloke are you after?
217
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,000
Other than "rich",
to quote your sister.
218
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,680
Erm, not a prick.
219
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,520
Someone who is willing to
look after my unborn child.
220
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,080
Is that a high bar or
a low bar? I can't tell.
221
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,320
Will you help me find him?
222
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:02,760
I can if we go to Sugar Daddies.
223
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,840
Oh, God, it's not actually
called that, is it?
224
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:06,120
Ugh, may as well be -
225
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,640
but trust me, it is THE place to
go for your fairy-tale ending.
226
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:09,840
That good?
227
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,760
Mate of mine -
no money, grotty flat -
228
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,000
went there one night,
hooked up with an oligarch,
229
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,240
got married, he got murdered.
230
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,960
She now lives on a yacht with her
super hot wife and couple of pugs.
231
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,640
Oh, my God.
232
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,520
A real-life Cinderella story.
233
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,080
Innit?!
234
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,680
Ooh, hello, ruffles!
235
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,440
Ooh.
236
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,320
Yeah. That's the one, isn't it?
237
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,640
Gem... Mmm.
238
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,840
Gem, can I ask a favour?
239
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,880
Oh, I'm not squeezing
your back spots again, Dad.
240
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,520
Oh, no, it's not that...
241
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,560
I just wondered if I could borrow
your very smart telephone to, erm...
242
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,240
..take a pic of my willy.
243
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,640
No chance.
244
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:53,920
Use your own.
245
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,320
I can't, can I?
246
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:58,440
I bought it second-hand off Andy,
and he's smashed the camera in.
247
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,560
Why? Well, cos his
brother told him to
248
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,080
in case he caught 5G or
something, I don't know.
249
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,680
No. Oh, go on!
250
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,840
It's for Helen, you know,
so she can...
251
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,360
So she can see the goods.
252
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,280
Dad, Helen is a six foot
trucker from Didsbury.
253
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,000
No, she's not.
Me and Derek saw her.
254
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,560
She's lovely.
255
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:15,680
Right!
256
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,880
Well, if she's so lovely, why are
you sending her a picture
257
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,680
of your willy? Your penis?
258
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,720
Well, you know, I'm just stepping
up the wooing to the next level.
259
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,040
An unsolicited dick pic
is not the next level.
260
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,120
No, it's not unsolicited -
it's solicited.
261
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,480
She sent me pictures of her...
lady breasts.
262
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,040
Loads of pictures, actually.
263
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,160
Go on, Gem.
264
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,880
Oh, my God...
265
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,440
No.
266
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,600
Christ.
267
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:38,920
God.
268
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,120
I probably don't
deserve love, do I, anyway?
269
00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:44,480
Look at me.
270
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:47,560
Take it!
271
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:48,960
Oh, thanks, Gem!
272
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:52,760
Fucking hell.
273
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,440
Gem?
274
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,120
What?
275
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:10,720
Erm...
276
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,440
I don't know how to send it.
277
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,200
You couldn't it send
to me, could you?
278
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,680
Cos then I can send to her, you see.
279
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,160
Dad, are you for real?
280
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,400
Please.
281
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,200
Oh, my God.
282
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,240
Cheers.
283
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,280
Jesus, Dad.
284
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,840
This is flaccid.
285
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,400
Well, I didn't want to be
presumptuous, did I? No.
286
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,480
You cannot send a flaccid cock shot.
287
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,080
OK? This looks like a baby rat
that's fallen asleep on a scourer.
288
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,120
Do it again.
289
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,760
But this time...
290
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,360
..erect.
291
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:43,720
Thanks, Gemma.
292
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:47,880
I'll just pop on a Kylie video.
293
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,680
Go on.
294
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,680
Get comfy.
295
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,920
Are you sure you still
want to do this?
296
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,280
Yep.
297
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,600
After what I had to do
to help my dad get a date,
298
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,440
this is going to feel
like a walk in the park.
299
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,800
Let's find you a daddy.
300
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,280
Cute.
301
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,200
Right, follow me, babe.
302
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,320
Wow.
303
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,240
God, you really weren't joking
about who comes in here.
304
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:31,800
Right.
305
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,520
A few little rules
worth keeping in mind.
306
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,720
This is not the first time
I've chatted men up in a bar.
307
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,560
Laugh at all their terrible jokes.
Mm-hm.
308
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,280
Don't talk about politics.
309
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,840
Pretend you like golf.
310
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,600
DON'T slag off the King.
311
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,760
Hadn't actually
thought of those last two.
312
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,320
Ladies.
313
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,640
He smells weird.
314
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:50,200
Oh, pregnancy early warning system.
315
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,360
Sorry, babe.
316
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,840
Hey. Hi. I'm Clint.
317
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,560
Friends call me the Clintser.
318
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:58,880
Ooh...
319
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,960
Er, what's your favourite novel,
Clint?
320
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,240
Shakespeare.
321
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,400
Mm-hm.
322
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,440
Mmmm. Oh.
323
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:07,680
Bye.
324
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,480
Look, this won't work
if you're too picky. No, I know.
325
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,920
I know, I'm sorry. I'll promise I'll
make an effort with the next one.
326
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,440
Even if he's gross and thick? Yeah.
327
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,800
I'm not leaving here
328
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,680
until I have a potential
father for my unborn child.
329
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:17,760
Good lass.
330
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,200
Ooh... May I buy you ladies a drink?
331
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,360
Champagne, maybe?
332
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,840
I'm Fergal.
333
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:27,320
And you are...? Gemma. Cherry.
334
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:30,080
I was going to say,
335
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:32,480
"Far too gorgeous to be
in a place like this."
336
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,120
Fucking baiter.
337
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,240
I knew you'd get stood up, Malc.
338
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,880
I knew it.
339
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:54,760
I told you not to send her a pickle
picture without showing me first.
340
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,160
Helen was very nice about
my "display", actually.
341
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,560
And, anyway,
she hasn't stood me up.
342
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,560
Well, not yet, anyway.
343
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,080
Then why is she meeting you so late?
344
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:07,120
She's probably waiting for her
jealous husband to fall asleep.
345
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,080
She does overtime on Fridays.
346
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,040
I'm sorry, Derek.
347
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:13,320
I'm just nervous, aren't I?
348
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,080
Oh, grow up.
349
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,960
You are a man,
350
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:20,600
and any man is better
than any female.
351
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,480
Oh, what, so Fred West better
than Shirley Bassey, is he?
352
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,040
You're fiddling the
system now, Malcolm. Stop it.
353
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,840
I mean, what if she
wants to, you know...?
354
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,600
Good! That's what you're
paying £2.99 a month for.
355
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,000
SOBS: I'm not ready for that...
356
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,200
I'm not ready... Malcolm?
357
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,080
No! No, no! Sorry!
358
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:40,280
I didn't get the alert!
359
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,160
I didn't get an alert.
I'm not ready!
360
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,680
I'm not ready! I'm not ready!
361
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:45,960
Aah! Malcolm?
362
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,760
Is he OK? Obviously not.
363
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,120
And that's your fault.
364
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,360
Who are you?
365
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:54,680
Oh.
366
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,040
Oh, no, what's happening?
367
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,160
Oh, no, I think
I'm having a heart attack.
368
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,480
Oh...
369
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,040
Oh, you should probably
do the thing.
370
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,520
Help me. Help me...!
371
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:05,680
Ugh...
372
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,040
Dickhead.
373
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:17,840
Malcolm, my friend, what you need
is the old "Wow, wow pussy alert".
374
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,480
Your husband's
a professional rugby player?
375
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,760
Yeah, he has been with the same club
since he was 11 years old.
376
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:28,040
He'll never move away, though,
his mum's a right needy wanker.
377
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,880
She has Parkinson's disease.
378
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,880
Yeah, and she doesn't
let you forget it.
379
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,200
Babe, eyes on the prize, eh? Yeah.
380
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,160
Another round, Fergal?
381
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,640
You're so good at
buying drinks, after all.
382
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,280
That's a terrible line!
383
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,560
But I-I am very good
at buying drinks.
384
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,160
Thank you.
385
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,320
Mate, sorry.
386
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,680
Excu...
387
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,920
Hi!
388
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:02,880
Er, hi...Gemma? Mm-hm.
389
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,320
Are you here alone?
390
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,480
Er, with my boss.
391
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,880
Oh, right.
Is he a massive douchebag?
392
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,280
No, he's just...really lonely.
393
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,960
Can I buy you a drink? Maybe?
394
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:18,160
Erm, could we get a bottle of
champagne and some sparkling water?
395
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,680
Whoa!
396
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,000
Shit, OK.
397
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,480
Do you think I'm running some
sort of Breaking Bad operation?
398
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,800
Because while I technically do
know how to make methamphetamine,
399
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:31,320
I would have absolutely
no idea how to shift it.
400
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,560
Drinks are on Fergal.
401
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,040
Sorry, who's Fergal?
402
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,840
Er, Fergs and I have decided this
place sucks a donkey's big fat dick.
403
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,000
That's not quite what I said.
404
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,320
Who is this? I...
We're going back to mine.
405
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,120
You coming? Er... Great!
406
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,480
You found one for me too!
Thanks, babe.
407
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:49,640
You can have this back. Thanks.
408
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:50,680
Come on.
409
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,160
What did you tell her?
410
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,920
That you had the shits. Oh...
411
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,000
I said you'd seen an angel
and it'd made your stomach go funny.
412
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,160
Why?!
413
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,360
Cos it's just as likely as
anything else that would happen
414
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:03,960
if you saw an angel.
415
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,640
You know, I'm not cut out for this.
416
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:06,720
Davina was cruel,
417
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,760
but at least I knew where all her
bits were and how they worked.
418
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,320
She was like a
menopausal Ford Focus.
419
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:13,560
Hey, come on.
420
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,680
You'll get there, champ.
421
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,760
If not now, then...one day.
422
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:19,960
Besides, now I've Helen up close,
423
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,760
she's only a six at best
on the pussy-ometer, so...
424
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,400
Six? I like a six.
425
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,080
So are you, erm, a doctor?
426
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,880
No. Oh...
427
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,800
I love a man in uniform.
428
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,560
That's nice... I don't...
I don't wear one of those either.
429
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:39,040
So, I guess this is the part where
you tell me you are married...?
430
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,960
I was married,
431
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,720
but we split up six months ago.
432
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:46,400
We were childhood sweethearts,
433
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,280
but she wanted something different.
434
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,520
And she was devoted to her career,
435
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:51,800
but I...
436
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,840
I really want a family.
437
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:59,600
God, I didn't even know that
men had a biological clock.
438
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,840
Alexa, play Fergal's
Midnight Playlist.
439
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,440
What the fuck...?
440
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:11,120
MUSIC: You're the Best Thing
by The Style Council
441
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:15,040
Oh, my God, I've not heard
this song for years.
442
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:18,000
My dad would sing this all
the time when we were little.
443
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,880
Yeah. Yeah, guys.
444
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,160
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, I'll just, erm...
445
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,400
Yeah.
446
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,040
Cheers, everybody.
447
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,920
So, you'll message me?
448
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,240
Look, I really like you,
so I don't want to start with a lie.
449
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,680
I'm pregnant.
450
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,480
What? Mm.
451
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,400
Wow. That's...
452
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:10,960
Massive. Yeah. Yeah.
453
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,760
Hey, do you still want that DM?
454
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,320
I don't know where
this is gonna go...
455
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,360
..but girls like you really
don't come along very often.
456
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,160
It's such a beautiful morning.
457
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,280
Yeah.
458
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,560
Oh, no!
459
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,880
Chemtrails.
460
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,160
What?
461
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,200
You see that line
behind the plane up there?
462
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,320
That's a fucking chemtrail.
463
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,800
Fuck!
464
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,800
Fucking cloud bastards.
465
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,960
The government use aeroplanes to
pump chemicals into the atmosphere,
466
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,400
which keep the electorate
stupid and control our minds.
467
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,000
It's the same with
fluoride in the water.
468
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,240
If it's to protect people's teeth,
469
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,720
why have so many
people got fillings?
470
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,320
Think about it.
I mean, it makes no fucking sense.
471
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:20,760
Mm...
472
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:21,920
I'm in a WhatsApp group,
473
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:23,920
we're really trying to blow
this whole thing wide open.
474
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,640
Let the sheeple know the truth.
475
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,120
Yeah, about the chemtrails?
476
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,840
I'll add you to the group.
477
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,280
OK!
478
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:34,960
Thanks for a great night. Thanks.
479
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:53,840
So close.
480
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,200
Dad! Have you had the lights
on since I left this morning?
481
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,240
No.
482
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,720
You've been moping about for days.
483
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,560
Are you still connected
to her on the app?
484
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,200
Yeah.
485
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,080
That's how I know she's
been at work all week,
486
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,640
but she hasn't read or replied
to any of my messages.
487
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,760
Right.
488
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,200
Have a short shower and get dressed.
489
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,680
You're going to tell her how
you feel, the old-fashioned way.
490
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,600
What, a post-it note
through the letterbox?
491
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:33,960
What?
492
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,080
It's just here, by the church.
493
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,000
I don't know what
I'm gonna say to her.
494
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,400
Just tell her you're sorry.
495
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,680
Still don't think
we should have brought
496
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,200
your emotional support
dickhead along.
497
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,120
Yeah. She's getting married.
498
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,160
Called it.
499
00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:00,400
She just wanted you for one last
blow on the meat horn, Malc.
500
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:01,680
And you bailed on her.
501
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,320
Do not listen to him, Dad.
502
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,880
She'll just be a guest.
503
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,240
Have you got the flowers?
504
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,280
This is so not wedding-appropriate.
505
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,040
What if I get tagged in the photos?
506
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,000
I think you look lovely.
507
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,960
You've got that glow, the baby glow.
508
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,360
She's dead.
509
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:40,120
Malcolm... Oh Dad!
510
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,200
Excuse me.
511
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,480
Oh, God.
512
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,640
It's probably for the best.
513
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,160
Hey, she could have had a disease
514
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,400
she was trying to pass on
as an act of vengeance.
515
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:57,720
Shut up.
516
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,480
I can't believe she's dead.
517
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:03,320
One minute, she's sat in the garden
with a chunky John Grisham,
518
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,320
and the next her brain just pops.
519
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,400
Did you know Helen well?
520
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:10,720
Erm...
521
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,440
She was so lovely.
522
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,320
Helped me out no end with this one.
523
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,480
She was lovely, wasn't she?
524
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,960
I just wish I'd had a chance
to tell her, you know...
525
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:27,360
They've put her phone in the casket,
526
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:30,120
so you can send her a little
message later if you like.
527
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,320
Lovely.
528
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,520
MUSIC: Adagio for Strings
by Samuel Barber
529
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,280
AIRHORN
530
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:51,000
AUTOMATION: Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Derek!
531
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,520
It's you, Malcolm.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
532
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,800
Turn your phone off. Have some
respect. Wow, wow, pussy alert.
533
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,160
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Can you hold them?
534
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:57,560
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
535
00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:00,880
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
Wow, wow, pussy alert.
536
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,720
I've got it. It's off.
537
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,680
At least she's with her
best friends, the angels, now.
538
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:31,040
Was it the start of something
beautiful with Fergal?
539
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,240
Turns out he was in a WhatsApp group
540
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:36,680
dedicated to exposing
government conspiracy theories.
541
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,720
Chemtrails, specifically.
542
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,680
Oh, mate. I am so sorry.
543
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,440
No, it's better I find out
now than on our wedding day.
544
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,120
How pregnant are you?
545
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,840
What gave it away?
546
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,960
Those antibiotics you had are
mainly given to pregnant people.
547
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:56,200
Plus you weren't drinking
at Sugar Daddies.
548
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,720
Yeah. 18 weeks.
549
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:02,280
And he's not on the scene,
which is why I was at the club,
550
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:04,640
because I was panicking
about doing it alone.
551
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,240
That's, er...
552
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,880
That's a lot.
553
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,120
Fergal was really fit
though, wasn't he?
554
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,240
Yeah. Really...fit.
555
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,680
Do you, er...
556
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,560
..fancy getting a coffee sometime?
557
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,560
I think it's your turn to pay.
558
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,280
Oh, my God, it is.
559
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,400
Yeah. Oh, perfect.
560
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,880
I can tell you all about my theory
on why 9/11 was an inside job.
63778
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