All language subtitles for Clarissa Explains It All - S01E01 - Revenge (480p x265 EDGE2020).eng

- Growl!

[scary music]

Hi, I'm Clarissa,
Clarissa Darling.

Okay, I didn't
choose the name.

I wanted Jade,

but by that time,
it was too late already.

Anything without a last name
would be better,

like Martika.

Or Madonna would have
been great.

But no one asked me.

Since we're going to be
hanging out a lot

and I'm going to explain

all the things
that go on around here,

I think you should know
a few things about me,

you know,
my likes and dislikes.

Okay, I like Twizzlers,
jawbreakers, and sugar bombs;

John, the one
without the glasses,

in They Might Be Giants;

and driving.

Everyone thinks
I'm too young to drive,

but I feel you have
to start early

if you really want
to do something right.

Okay, I hate the kind
of pixie haircuts

your mom gives you
at home.

I hate
tiny germs everywhere

and barf.

Have you ever noticed

how barf always tastes like
orange juice and pizza?

Then there's my parents.

It's not
that I hate my family.

It's just that...
Well, they're my family.

Okay, there's my mom, Janet.

She's a regular mom,
pretty much,

except she works with kids,
little kids.

She shows them stuff
at the children's museum,

where she's in charge.

If you ask me, it's a secret
indoctrination camp

to turn the little guys
into morons.

Oh, and she eats
health food.

Okay, then there's
my dad, Marshall.

Dad's an architect.

That means he makes
lots of drawings

and visits empty lots
in his Jeep.

Usually he builds houses
in weird shapes.

He's a modern architect.

I'm really glad
we can't afford

to live in any
of those houses.

And then there's me...

[knock on door]

Clarissa, the only
abnormal child

of two perfectly
normal parents.

[knock on door]

Unless, of course,
you count...him.

This is Ferguson,
my [gags] brother.

Morning, Ferg-face.

That dorkpie has been
a burr on my butt

since he was born.

"Why me?" I asked myself.

And why him?

[baby crying]

He was a normal,
ugly little baby.

Sometimes I think
he was just envious

of my natural
grace and good looks.

Sometimes I think
he's related to Freddy.

Fishface is a real creep.

But it doesn't
matter anymore

because after today,

he dies.

Captioning made possible
by Nickelodeon

- ♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right,
all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right,
all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it

Mr. Futtstein,
my history teacher,

says there comes a time
when everyone has to act

in a way that defines them
forever.

It's a whole "to be
or not to be" kinda thing,

and I've decided
to take a stand

against the slings and arrows
of Ferguson for good.

Watch out for Elvis!

Elvis is
my security alligator.

[animal growls]

He looked a lot bigger
in the catalog.

- Here's all that junk
you wanted.

I still don't know
what it's for.

- This stuff's great.

I got to get that
strait jacket back on my aunt

before they miss her
at the hospital.

- That's Sam.
We're buds.

Sam's going through
an awkward stage--

you know, waiting for those
hormones to kick in.

His dad's a single father,
a sportswriter.

Sam always
feels neglected.

Some kids have
all the luck.

They always have
pizza for dinner.

- I get extra cheese.

- Clarissa,
time for dinner!

- I'll be right down!

I wonder if this is the
the right size for the twerp.

- I think it's a "one size
fits all" kind of thing.

- With this strait jacket,
Ferguson, that little booger,

is gonna pay the price
for ultimate humiliation.

- Don't you think
you're overreacting

to a simple,
embarrassing situation?

- Overreacting?

What would you do?

It was Tuesday,
May 15th.

[dramatic music]

I heard about it
from my girlfriend, Jody.

♪

- And now, Ferguson,
what did you bring

to show
the class today?

- This, Miss Engleberger,
is my sister's trainer.

[laughter]

- So your brother's
a dorkhead creep

who they should grind up
for puppy puke.

What else is new?

- Sam, embarrassment is
my least favorite emotion.

Wow, tell your aunt she has
great taste in strait jackets.

I can't wait to get
this on Ferg-brains.

- Clarissa,
please come down for dinner!

- Hmm, it's really
tight too.

- Well, you're
on your own.

- What do you mean?
We've got a lot more to do.

- Sorry. I can't.
I'm leaving.

- What do you mean
you're leaving?

Where are you going?
- France.

- France? Why are you
going to France?

- In France,
they don't play football.

Besides,
I'm running away.

- But you've
got to help me.

I mean, what about your dad?

- That's just it:
Dad made a bet.

- Your dad lost
a bet to the Mafia

and now they're gonna
wipe you guys out

in a spray of bullets.
That's so cool.

Oh. Maybe not.

- Clarissa,
it's time for dinner!

- No. Worse.

He bet the other
sportswriter at the "Dispatch"

that I could make
the football team.

Tryouts start first thing
tomorrow morning.

- But, Sam,
you can't leave.

Think of your friends.

- You're my only friend.

- That's what I mean.
Think of me.

Besides, maybe you'll
make the team.

- You don't
understand.

Those guys will
squash me like a bug.

Don't you realize that
the only thing worse

than humiliating my dad
is if I make the team.

- I don't get it.

- That torpedohead
Wally Butterman

would kick my butt
every day.

- Oh, you're right.

[ponderous music]

Let me think.

There must be some way
we can get you out of this.

♪

- Clarissa, if you don't
come down right this minute,

I'm sending
your father up!

- I've got it!

I think I know how
to get you out of football

without making
your dad look bad.

- Right,
and tomorrow the Beatles

are getting back together.

- No, really, I think
I've got an idea.

If it doesn't work, you've got
the rest of the weekend.

You can
always run away.

- Okay, what is it this time?

- Tell your dad
you're gonna do your best.

You've got to play along
if this is going to work.

Just get through
tomorrow.

- I don't know.

- Oh, and take
that football with you.

It'll make you
more believable.

And we'll need some
bandages, gauze,

plaster of Paris, a splint,
maybe a neck brace.

- Hold it.

Why do I have the feeling
I'm not going to like this?

- Trust me,
all you've gotta do

is show up
for the first day of tryouts.

Then we'll put the neck brace
and stuff on you

and say you're injured.

With the high price of school
liability insurance these days,

the coach
won't come near you.

- I'll try anything.

Boy,
I hope this works.

- Sam!

Hey, Sam,
wait a second!

How am I supposed
to get this thing off?

Now, what would Doug Henning
do in my position?

[upbeat music]

♪

[knock on door]

- Come on,
sport, it's...

[chuckles]
It's time for dinner.

♪

- ♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na
na na na na na na ♪

[upbeat music]

♪

- ♪ All right,
all right ♪

- That was pretty funny
last night,

the way you slid down
the stairs in a strait jacket.

You looked like
a real looney tune.

- Now, now, Ferguson,
don't make fun, mm-hmm?

- You're right, Dad.

It's not fair to laugh
at the mentally incompetent.

- Are you sure you didn't
hurt yourself, dear?

- No, Mom, I'm fine.

You know I'll just do anything
to give you guys a good laugh.

Okay,
here's an update

on what's happened
so far this morning.

It began hours earlier

as Mom exploded half a
dozen eggs in the microwave

trying to make minute eggs.

She's moved on to tofu.

Dad spent
the whole time

reading the same page
of the "Dispatch."

And Ferg-head, my crud of a
brother, is sucking up to Mom.

- Gee, Mom, these are the best
tofu pancakes I've ever had.

- Why, thank you,
Ferguson.

- Here, little brother,
have some of mine.

- What are you
in such a good mood for?

- Let's just say
that today could be

the first day
of the rest of my life.

- So what are you kids
up to today?

- Well, Mom, there's an
important "National Geographic"

documentary
on the tribal customs

of the beemer cuscus men
of Papua New Guinea.

- How interesting.

- Yeah, I thought
I might take some notes

and write an extra report
for class.

- Wouldn't you rather shoot
a few hoops with your old dad?

- Gee, Dad, I'd love to
play some basketball,

but I think at this stage
in my development,

it's important to build
a strong foundation

in the applied
anthropological sciences.

- Oh, Ferguson.

- Mom, can I drive
the car to town?

- What do you think
you have feet for?

- To work the pedals.

- Hey, Sam,
what'd you do,

hit yourself in the eye
picking your nose?

- Oh, Sam.
- Hi, Samuel.

- What happened?
- It's just a black eye.

- Well, family,
I'm off to my studies.

- All right.

Sport, what do you
say you and I

play some basketball, huh?

- I'd like to, Dad,
but it's against my religion.

- Religion?

What religion is that?

- Um, the Holy Church
of Magic Johnson?

- [laughs]
Yeah, what do you say, sport?

How about a little
one-on-one, huh?

- Dad, I've been
meaning to have

a man-to-man talk
with you about this.

You see, Dad,
I'm a girl--

- Marshall, dear.
- Yeah, honey?

- I'm sure Clarissa would
rather come with me

and work with
the little ones.

You know, we're Mousercising
at the museum today.

- Okay, Mom,
if I get to drive.

- Clarissa, you know
you're not old enough

to drive a car
by yourself.

- Well, what if I steer
and you push the accelerator?

- Clarissa,
you said you'd help me

with my, uh, paper
for phys ed, you know,

the one how not to injure
yourself playing football.

- Oh, that's an interesting
idea for a paper.

You know, that reminds me
when I was your age

and I tried out
for our football team.

Of course, Sam,
I was much bigger

and much taller than you are,

but, anyway, I remember it
like it was yesterday.

It was my freshman year...

- Uh, Dad, Sam's right.

I forgot.
We gotta go.

- Come, dear.

You can show the children
how to walk like Donald Duck.

- Oh, well, I guess.

Janet, you remember,
don't you,

my early
my gridiron days?

I was second string, of course,
but I was determined--

[window slams]

why doesn't that kid
ever use the door?

- I'm telling you,
it was brutal!

- Wow, but what
happened to your eye?

- On the first scrimmage,

Wally Butterman gave me
a noogie and ripped my shirt.

- Wait a second.
Let's see.

Okay, so you're
in the backfield,

and he
gave you a noogie.

- Yeah, that's when
he pulled my shoelace

and I tripped
as the ball was snapped.

- Okay, shoelace here.

- Then Wally threw

an elbow block to my face
on the forward pass.

- Okay,
elbow block here.

That must have hurt.

- It didn't hurt
that much.

Getting run over
by a garbage truck hurts more.

- Can't believe the coach
called you for clipping.

- Yeah, and you should see
what Wally did to my locker.

- I never realized
the first day would be so bad.

I figured there'd be some kind
of orientation period,

or maybe they'd have you
run sprints or something.

I feel terrible.

- The worst is the way
that Wally told the coach

that I had illegally shoved
my face into his elbow.

- Well, at least you
didn't get a penalty

for backfield in motion.

- Then there's my dad.

He's totally hyped.

He said that me trying out
is the best thing

that's happened to him
since the divorce with Mom.

I can't go through
another day of this.

- Don't worry,
you won't have to.

After we take care
of Ferguson,

we'll wrap you up
in the bandages

and you'll take
this little note I printed out

on my new Dr. Sports
medical diagnostic software.

and you won't have to think
about football again.

- Whoa! This looks
authentic.

Hey, I won't have
to take phys ed either.

- Oh, by the way,
how many cubic feet of helium

do you think you need
to lift 76 pounds?

- Let's see, you could

take the amount of helium
in the Goodyear Blimp,

divide that by...

- Oh, I forgot
to show you.

I worked up a little
animated simulation

of my plan
for Ferguson.

I think you can't have
too many balloons.

First, I get Ferguson
into the strait jacket.

Don't ask me how.

Meanwhile, you're outside
with balloons.

See, that's your hand
holding the balloons.

- That doesn't
look much like me.

- I told you,
this is a simulation.

Now, as soon as I push him
out the door,

you hook him up.

Next thing you know,
he's floating away forever.

Pretty soon, he'll be sighted
as a UFO.

With any luck,
E.T. will take him home.

- Hey,
let me try that.

- Help, Mom!
Help, Mom!

Help, Mom!
Help, Mom!

Help, Mom!

Uh-oh!

[dog barks]

- I didn't know
the beemer cuscus men

of Papua New Guinea

looked like Bugs Bunny
and Porky Pig.

- Buzz off, bozo.

- Now, is that any way

to talk to your
loving older sister?

What's this,
a new whipped cream diet?

- Eat dirt, dimhead.

You're spoiling my view
of the screen!

What do you want,
anyway?

- Oh, just to be near you,
to bask in your golden glow

and hope that maybe some
of your luck rubs off on me.

- Fat chance!

You'll never be
as lucky as I am.

It's not in your genes.

- Well, normally,
I'd take issue with that,

but today on this
beautiful Saturday,

I've got
to hand it to you.

- What are
you getting at?

- Well, you've really got

Mom and Dad
all figured out.

- Of course I do.

Parents are easy.

But how do you mean?

- Well, I think they finally
got your hint

about that
B-I-C-Y-C-L-E.

- Bicycle?
My 10-speed?

- I never
said anything.

- Out with it,
donkeybreath!

I mean...sis.

Do you really think
they got me that bike?

- Well, I'm not
supposed to tell you.

- Tell me what?

- Mom and Dad
made me promise.

- Tell me!
Tell me!

- Okay!
Don't have a cow about it.

What does the word
"boron" mean to you?

- You mean they got me
the Mercer boron 10-speed racer

with custom Mineola gears
and pop-off tires?

- Don't say
I ever said that.

- Blue or white?
Blue or white?

- Well, I guess
you'll just have

to figure it out
for yourself.

- What do you mean?
My birthday isn't for another

one, two, three,
four...five weeks.

- Oh, yeah.
You're right.

Well, I don't know how
they expected you

to avoid that closet
for five weeks.

You know, sometimes parents
are so dumb.

- This closet? It's in
the front hall closet?

- How could I have
let that slip?

Mom and Dad are
going to kill me.

- [screaming]

- Wait a second.
Where'd he go?

- Get me out of this thing,
you creep!

- Sorry, bub.

I know there's a long prison
term for this kind of thing,

but it's time
you paid.

Besides, I'm not
leaving any evidence.

- Paid for what?

- Does this
look familiar?

- Sis, gee...
I mean, really, come on!

Come on,
I love you.

I mean, uh, um,
I-I was desperate.

I didn't--I didn't
have my homework.

I needed
a diversion.

- Well, in a few minutes,

you'll be
diverting the vultures

who'll be pecking your
eyes out with their beaks.

- No! The door!
Help!

- Wow, wind really can
take those balloons.

- Hey, Sam, watch out
for that branch!

[balloons popping]

- Gee, does this mean
I'm not getting

that new Mercer boron
10-speed racer?

- Careful.
Watch out for your arm.

I guess we didn't need
that many balloons.

- Nah, it's okay.

I should have just put
a few lead weights in my shoes

or maybe rigged up
a towline or something.

- Okay, so my plan
had a few flaws.

- You can
say that again.

- Okay, so my plan
had a few flaws.

- Funny.

- I'm just trying
to cheer you up.

Look, Sam,
I'm really sorry,

but I did kind of get you
out of football tryouts.

- Yeah, but I didn't think
it'd hurt as much

as actually trying out.

Wally Butterman
was easier on me.

- Think about it:
no more humiliation,

and at least we had the cast
and neck brace on hand.

- When I show up
with this stuff on,

Coach will kill Wally.

I can't wait to see
the look on his face.

- You know, Sam, I think

it was Benjamin Franklin
who once said,

"If you aim for the sun,
your arrow might fall short."

- I think Franklin
was the one, um,

flying the kite in
a thunderstorm with lightning.

- Oh, yeah,
I guess you're right.

But, see, that goes to show
that no one's perfect.

- Well, I guess your twerpy
brother got the last laugh.

- Not quite.
- Really?

- I have here
some very rare footage

that I just shot.

Let's go
to the videotape.

- Whaa!

- Ferguson's
first pimple.

I guess there is justice
in the world after all.

- Hey, let's go
to the instant replay.

- Whaa!

- And freeze!

Ferg-face
gets his payback.

Gee, I could
watch this all day.

- ♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right,
all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right,
all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Just do it

- "Clarissa Explains It All"

was taped
at Nickelodeon Studios,

Universal Studios
in Orlando, Florida.