Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

[ Christmas music playing ]

-Stay there. -Perfect.

-Hey, captain! -Hello!

-Hello, sir! -Hello.

-Hi. -Hi, merrill.

-It's beautiful.

Captain, everything's all set

as soon as you're ready. -Thank you.

I always feel like the president

at the white house when I do this.

Thanks very much. You can just leave that there.

Oh, look, Vicki. There's Billy banks.

Used to be known as the king of comedy.

Used to?

Well, that was before your time, honey.

He doesn't work too much anymore, I'm afraid.

Hello, Mr. Banks!

I'm captain merrill stubing.

And I'm Vicki stubing. Welcome aboard.

Thank you, mates.

It's a great pleasure to have you with us.

You're not entertaining the troops this Christmas?

Well, I, uh -- I like to give the new comics a break,

so I said to Bob hope, "you do it this year."

Hey, I got to remember that line.

Got a laugh.

[ Dog barking ]

Tundra, wait.

-Tundra. -Tundra!

Is -- is that a dog or a fur coat with a tongue?

Oh, isn't even laughing.

Kim, how in the world did she get here?

Well, she didn't say,

but the person who was with her left this note.

Wonder who it's from.

It's from aunt Martha and uncle bill.

Ah.

They've been transferred to London,

and they can't take tundra with them.

That means she's all mine again!

She can hardly wait to see you!

-Dad. -Vicki.

Dad, I know -- I know I have to find another home for her,

but maybe just...

Vicki, if you're asking if tundra

can come with us on this cruise,

the answer is...

[ Whimpering ]

...yes.

Thanks!

I always wanted a white Christmas.

Hey, doc!

I want you to meet an old pal of mine, Noel Kane,

the world's most confirmed bachelor.

-How do you do, doctor? -Hey, Noel. How are you?

Now, doc's been married four times.

Oh, you can't catch this disease!

It hasn't been scientifically ruled out.

You know, in high school, Noel was voted most likely

never to get married. -Listen.

I -- I love women in bunches, in groups,

for minutes, hours a night.

But for years, no, thank you.

Gentlemen, if -- if you'll excuse me...

Oh, my. This is some Christmas present!

Oh, Carol! Thank you!

Mm. You're welcome.

Oh, when the ladies of my bridge club found out,

they were absolutely mad with envy.

Good!

When I told them you finally found a fellow

and you're not gonna be single much longer, oh...

Mother!

Why are we just standing around talking like this?

Why don't you find him? Where is he?

Okay, you stay here and look around.

I will be right back.

Pardon me. -Uh-huh.

I'm looking for John Strauss. He works here on the ship.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He left this morning.

He had to go home on a medical emergency.

-Oh, no! -Yeah.

But it's not terribly, terribly serious.

He'll be back on the next cruise.

Next cruise is too late!

Are you John?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not.

Oh, no, mother. He's not John.

Well, where is John then?

John!

John!

I'll explain later.

Mother, this is John.

John, this is my mother.

Oh, I am so happy to meet you!

This just makes my trip!

You are my real Christmas present!

Oh, my!

Oh, come on, mom. Let's get settled.

I'll see you later, sweetie.

He is gorgeous!

John?

Sweetheart?

I don't get it.

But it looks like you're going to.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart!

You must have been a very good boy this year.

So tell me.

What do you think of our ship here, Santa claus?

-Well, it's perfection! -Mm-hmm.

If I can't ho-ho-ho here, I can't ho-ho-ho anywhere!

I picked a winner!

Judy! -Yes.

Say hi to Mr. Max Phelps.

Well, hello, Mr. Max Phelps.

Let me get your key. Sally?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not a passenger. I'm Santa claus.

He's perfect, isn't he?

Hardly.

This is Patrick turney.

I hired him as our Santa claus.

What?

I can ho-ho-ho

better than he-he-he.

You've got a nice red nose there.

How'd you like to have a black eye to go with it, huh?

Mouth like a whale and a brain like a sardine,

you know? -Gentlemen!

Gentlemen! Simmer down! Just simmer down, please!

Gopher. What's going on here?

Just trying to do somebody a favor around here,

and look what happens.

What gopher means to say is that he booked a Santa claus

for this cruise when I hired another.

Now, we have two santas.

-Right. -Wrong.

We have three.

And mine is a shakespearean actor.

To ho-ho or not to ho-ho?

That is the question!

All right!

Yeah!

[ Air horn blows ]

♪♪

Well, is everybody having a good time?

-Ho. -Ho. -Ho.

What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?

Three hos and only one bed.

Well, listen, fellas.

We are sorry there are no available cabins,

but we weren't expecting three santas.

But we'll handle the problem. We'll bring in a couple of cots.

Turney: Wait a minute.

Bring two cots in here, and we won't be able to move!

I'll tell you what. Why don't you go outside

and practice coming down the smoke stacks, Santa?

Why don't you go practice being an anchor?

Stop it. Stop it.

Look, fellas. We've been silly.

I'm sure the two of you

would be comfortable on those cots.

Wait a minute.

How come we get the cots and you get the bed?

-Yeah. -Okay, I'll take the bed,

and you take the cots. -Hey!

What are you trying to pull over our eyes here, wool?

I'm gonna... -All right.

All right. Now, wait a minute, fellas.

Wait a minute. Now, let's stop all the arguing.

I'm sure that we'll all make great santas.

Now, look. I've got a great idea.

-Okay. -Now, I'll be Santa this year,

and you two do it the next two years.

Oh, man.

[ All arguing ]

Well, I wonder where that girl is.

Yeah, I want to met her. She sounds kind of goofy.

Why? Because she kissed me

and introduced me to her mother as John?

Hey, what's in a name, huh?

Looks like we're about to find out

because here she comes.

Uh, ace, uh, Carol was looking for you.

Ah, I was looking for you, too.

Uh, Carol, this is ace.

-And I'm Noel. -Hi.

-Hi. -I'm sorry.

I'm sure you thought I was crazy.

But I told my mother we were meeting my fiancé, John Strauss.

Uh, John had to go on emergency leave.

You're engaged to John Strauss?

You're not engaged.

Well, not now nor in the immediate future.

She's obviously a very bright girl.

-Yeah. -But you know how mothers are,

especially my mother.

They always want to see their daughters married.

So I asked John if he would pose as my fiancé.

Oh, I get it.

I'm supposed to play second fiddle.

Well, Carol told her mother

that she and John were getting married in a year.

As long as she's got something to think about, she's happy.

So would you help me out, please?

Why not? It's Christmas.

Thank you...John.

I -- I think I need a kiss too,

or, uh, I'll tell your mother.

That's blackmail.

Careful.

My fiancé gets very jealous.

Yeah.

That was a good trick with, uh, here...

-She's beautiful. -Yeah?

Now, I remember the night sitting in front

of the television set,

roaring with laughter thanks to you.

Yeah, I -- I had a few good nights, I guess.

Oh, more than few, I'm sure.

But who needs the hassle?

Arguing with writers,

fighting with directors, screaming at producers.

-Don't you miss the laughs? -No way. No way.

Yeah, but there's a new generation

who've never seen Billy banks.

I'm sure they'd love you.

Me and my old jokes? Don't bet on it.

I bet you're wrong. Come on.

Try a few jokes just for me. -What? What are you doing?

Come on. Let's see what happens.

-Huh? What? -Hi, this is Billy banks,

the king of comedy. -Hi.

Well, the -- the -- the -- the king's not very happy today.

My wife just had plastic surgery.

I cut up her credit cards. [ Laughs ]

Here's another one. The cop stops a drunk

driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop says, "didn't you see the arrow?"

The drunk says, "arrow?

I didn't even see the Indians!"

See? Nobody has a sense of humor anymore.

No. They were wonderful jokes, Billy.

-Forget it. -I'm sure they liked you.

Forget it. Forget it.

I -- I'm happy just the way I am, living off my reruns.

See ya, cappy.

♪♪

Don't worry, tundra.

We'll find you a good home.

We'll take her picture

and put it up on all the bulletin boards

with a list of her attributes.

Okay. Is she pedigree?

I said pedigree, tundra, not pedicured.

Um, can we say she's a show dog?

The best.

Oh, and, uh, she's also a very good nurse.

A nurse?

Sure. Watch what I taught her.

Achoo!

She's adorable! I wish I could adopt her.

Kim, make a note

that tundra also does light housekeeping.

[ Barking ]

[ Christmas music plays ]

[ Children talking excitedly ]

I'll make you guys a deal.

Christmas Eve, if you let the kids sit on your lap,

I'll let the mothers sit on mine.

That's a nice way for a Santa claus to talk.

Absolutely right!

No diction, no projection!

If either of you played Santa claus,

Christmas would close on opening night!

Attention, passengers.

Dinner is now being served in the coral dining room.

My friend ace is real lucky to be engaged to your daughter.

Thank you. Ace?

John, I -- I hate that name, ace.

Me too.

But you know how those nicknames stick.

We call him ace because he's a winner.

Your daughter is getting a real winner.

Oh, well, my daughter wouldn't settle for anything less.

It's why she waited so long.

Mother, I'm not that...

Do you like large families, John?

Oh, sure! Absolutely!

How many brothers and sisters do you have?

Oh, uh, you mean us.

I just can't wait to be a grandmother!

Is it okay if I finish my dinner first?

-Oh. -You know,

it is funny how love takes you by surprise.

It seems like, just yesterday,

marriage was the farthest thing from my mind.

You know, John's real lucky, all right.

If I had met Carol earlier, we could be together.

Isn't it amazing

how the two right people seem to find each other

with all of the other people in the world?

Yeah.

I love Christmas.

It's too bad it only comes once a year.

Well, I can't wait for Santa to show up tomorrow night.

That's when I'll really know it's Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Well, I'll be. It's Santa claus!

A little early, but that's him!

What's he doing here tonight?

Beats the reindeer out of me, sir.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Yeah.

Two santas?

Christmas greetings to one and all!

Looks like a close-out sale on santas.

Three santas. Who's responsible for this?

I hired the one on the left, sir.

And the one on the right is mine.

Can you guess which one's mine?

Well...my thanks to the three of you.

It's a marvelous idea.

Santa clauses around the clock!

Three times as much Christmas spirit!

[ Christmas music plays ]

Well, girls, any news on tundra?

Not a bite.

No one seems to want to give her a home.

Billy banks.

I don't think anyone wants to give him a home

either. -No.

I mean, let's get the two of them together.

Tundra needs a home. Billy needs companionship.

Older people get a great deal of comfort from their pets.

Do you think Mr. Banks will really take tundra, captain?

I don't know, but it's certainly worth a try.

Well, it's gonna be a tough job talking him into it,

but I think we can do it.

Kim and I have an idea. -Ah.

I've never played matchmaker for a dog before,

but I'll certainly give it my best shot.

Well, there he is at the bar. Good luck.

Hope this works.

Mr. Banks.

-Hi. -Hi.

We are giving free palm readings tonight.

Learn your future. -Oh.

I see you are going on a long journey.

-I am on a long journey. -See?

Our predictions are coming true already.

Oh, and you're going to meet a beautiful creature.

Keep talking. Keep talking.

Oh, look. She has big, brown eyes

and long, gorgeous hair.

And a great body.

Now, that's what I call a Christmas present.

-Do you want to meet her? -Do I? Sure!

Super! We'll bring her by your cabin tonight.

-Terrific! -See ya later.

So long.

With my luck, she'll probably be a dog.

That was pretty smart of me, telling your mother that,

as best man, I should practice dancing with the bride.

Not smart, devious.

I should talk.

Miss devious herself.

I meant what I said at dinner.

I wish I had met you before ace did.

No.

You're holding me too tightly.

Oh, I'm -- I'm sorry.

Mother is watching.

♪♪

Right. Right.

Noel, you're holding me too loosely.

So, uh, where are you and Carol gonna live

when you get married?

Uh, we haven't decided yet.

Where does your friend live?

Noel?

On the east coast.

If I were you, I'd stay on the west coast.

Don't worry. You'll get all you want for Christmas.

Get you a 600-pound mothball.

Merry Christmas! Go ahead, son!

Merry Christmas!

Hi, Santa. My name is Mark.

Mark! Oh, well! Oh, what a nice name, Mark!

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!

-Oh, ho-ho-ho! -Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Well, I'm glad the captain

liked the idea of the three santas.

Yeah, we were lucky.

Well, they make the line go faster.

Three santas, no waiting. Perfect.

And have you been a good boy this year?

Yes.

You have? Ho-ho-ho!

And what would you like Santa

to bring you for Christmas, hmm?

A skateboard, a bicycle...

-Mm-hmm. -...And a video game.

Oh, that's nothin'. That's nothin'.

Those are stockin' stuffers.

How about a computer like the one

in daddy's office, one of them big jobs?

Oh. One of them big jobs.

I'm talking about a big job.

That's bubkes.

This is Christmas. This is big time.

How would you like your own car and a chauffeur

to drive you until you're old enough to drive yourself?

Isn't that a good one? -Mark, it's time for bed.

Wait a minute. Wait!

Lady, please, give me five more minutes with him.

-Time for bed. -Let him stay with me.

Mark, Mark, Mark, uh, Santa has to go to bed.

Think big, Mark!

Remember, it's only one more day!

Santa...

You guys better get your act together,

or you're all going to hear the dreaded two words.

You're fired?

Santa overboard.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Here I come.

Here she is.

That's her?

We promised you long, gorgeous hair and big, brown eyes.

Bye. -Bye.

Wait, wait.

[ Tundra barks ]

I was right. You are a dog.

Is that some joke?

Well, what am I gonna do with you?

Mm. That's -- that's nice.

Can you do anything else?

Fetch my slippers?

Those are shoes, dummy. I said slippers.

What's the matter, you don't know the difference?

Huh. You know somethin'?

You're a lot smarter than most of my dates.

Well, joke's over.

I'll take you back to Vicki now.

Oh. Okay, okay.

Hey, I'll take you back in the morning.

You can stay the night.

-I want to thank you. -Hmm?

I -- I mean, for the trouble.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

I think my mom likes the idea of you as a son-in-law.

Well, it -- it's been fun.

Listen. I've got a job to do.

Will you take care of my girl?

I don't know. You're pretty trusting.

Ah, she's in good hands.

See ya.

Later.

Star light, star bright.

Hear the wish I wish tonight.

What did you wish?

I made two wishes.

You already fulfilled the first one.

And the second?

More of the first.

So how are things coming along with your three santas?

Great, sir. They're just coming along great.

The guys like each other. -Good.

You know, it's an intriguing idea.

Maybe some other ships in the line will pick up on it.

-Yeah. -That's very possible, sir.

Uh, don't forget, sir, it started right here.

Yes. Thanks to you three.

You call yourself a Santa claus?

Turney: You couldn't play a tree on arbor day.

[ Alarm clock ringing ]

Mm, mm, mm.

What's -- what's going on? Oh, boy.

[ Ringing stops ]

[ Barking ]

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

I -- I get the message, doggy. Easy.

What? Oh, you want to take a walk.

I get it. Okay, here you go.

Hey, uh, don't forget the room number.

Yeah. This is, uh, Billy banks. Yeah.

Would you please send me bacon and eggs over medium,

toast, coffee?

Right. Thank you.

Oh, boy. That's what I call fast service.

You're back, huh?

Dummies. I ordered bacon.

They send me ham.

Well, I sure wish I had a dog like you when I was a kid.

I wish I could keep you now,

but I barely have enough money to feed me, let alone you.

Mm-hmm.

You want to hear a secret?

I won this trip on a raffle.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Boy. Yeah.

I -- I wish you could've seen me when I was king of comedy.

Oh, you would have been so proud of me.

Yeah.

You want some ham?

Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

The -- the -- this -- the food's free on the cruise.

I can get more.

Here.

There you go.

Hey, tund.

You're all right, kiddo.

Give me a kiss.

Thanks to your fighting last night,

we really caught it from the captain.

Yeah, and if we didn't need a Santa for tonight,

we'd fire each of you.

I don't know why we hired you three.

Well, this is what we get for doing our Christmas shopping

at the last minute.

Now, look.

I want you guys to jolly up,

or you're gonna be swimming back to Los Angeles.

The captain says we don't need three fighting santas,

so you either get along with each other,

or two of you are gone.

You understand? Do I make myself clear?

Thank you.

That was nice, goph.

Just the right balance of quiet authority and loud yelling.

Yeah.

Gopher is right.

They don't need three Santa clauses.

Come on. Let's get this over with

once and for all.

Whoever gets the high card gets to play Santa claus

and keeps all the paychecks. Okay?

One moment, please.

Hello. I'd like to send a cablegram, please,

to Mrs. Mary Phelps, general delivery,

Wichita, Kansas.

Dear mom, may not be able to pay for your operation.

Try to hang on. Love, Max.

Okay. I'm ready.

[ Knock on door ]

-Laundry? -Right over here, sir.

I won't need it till we get back to L.A.

Hold on just a minute.

Let me see this.

He was gettin' rid of our Santa claus outfits.

How low can a person get?

Oh, by the way, your telephone should be fixed in an hour.

Poor mom.

You phone phony.

I've had it with both of you.

I've never dealt with such dishonesty

in my whole life.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I knew when I first met you

that you weren't dealing with a full deck.

What is this? -An ace.

Ain't that a killer?

♪♪

So, while Santa was feeding his reindeer

and filling his sack last night, what did you two do?

Oh, we did a little pre-Christmas gift giving.

A few trifles, nothing much.

Uh-huh.

You know, if only I were the serious type.

But of course, I'm not.

Oh, nor am I.

What makes her so unbelievably attractive to me

is her absolute unavailability.

No strings attached.

[ Clears throat ]

Except to you, John.

Good morning, mother Kelsey.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

Good morning, mother. Did you have a good night?

A few unnerving moments.

Maybe you're not used to the ship.

I'm not used to the ship.

Have you seen the fabulous buffet?

I'm not very hungry.

Let's go for a walk and leave these two lovebirds alone.

Ah, you know what? I'm very busy this morning,

so I signed Carol and Noel up

for the shuffleboard tournament.

In fact, you'd better get going.

-Oh. Oh, right. -Shuffleboard!

Come on, Noel.

See ya later, mom. -Carol, we have to talk.

Oh -- oh, sure. Later.

Sweetheart... -Yeah?

Take care of my mother.

And you take care of my sweetheart.

Do you wear glasses?

No. Why?

I don't think you see so good.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

-Here's your dog. Bye. -Oh, wait, wait, wait!

I -- I thought maybe you'd want to keep her.

Billy: I did keep her one night.

Now she's yours again. Bye.

Wait! We thought that maybe

you might want to keep her for good.

-Yeah. -For good?

Hey, who needs the responsibility?

I mean, you've got a dog, takes up all your time.

You walk it. You've got to feed it.

I haven't got time for that kind of stuff.

I'm a busy man.

But we -- we kind of hoped.

Oh, I get it.

You hoped that I'd get hooked on the dog

and want to keep it. Huh?

No way. Bye.

Don't worry, tundra.

We'll find you a nice home.

Poor tundra.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are now entering the fabulous port of acapulco.

We will be here throughout the day and evening.

Whether you enjoy dining and dancing onboard

or taking in one of the city's many night spots,

we're sure this will be a memorable day.

All right. Have we forgotten anyone?

-Well, this one's for Isaac. -Isaac?

-And this last one's for gopher. -Gopher!

-Ah, what about tundra? -Oh, I know!

We could have the chef gift-wrap a big bone for her.

Well, then that's everybody.

Billy banks?

Oh, no. We can't forget about Billy!

What do you think he'd like?

-Oh, a money clip... -Sir.

-Something like that. -Mm-hmm?

I bet he'd love a chance

to preform at our Christmas show.

That's a wonderful idea.

Vicki, why don't you and Kim break the good news to him?

I'm glad I thought of that.

Yeah, I haven't seen much of your mother today.

Yeah, we only have one more day to stall her off.

Oh, with my mother, a lot can happen in one day.

[ Chuckles ]

-There you go, darling. -Thank you.

There you are.

-Oh, there they are! -Ah.

Sweethearts, I have the most wonderful news for you!

You don't have to wait a whole year to get married!

The captain says you can get married tomorrow.

He'll do it himself!

-Congratulations. -No.

It's -- it's - it's ace. -Ace.

Mother Kelsey: Yes, ace, your photographer.

Well, uh, you've been holding out on us.

I'll spread the word to the crew.

Well, come along, captain,

we have to get some arrangements taken care of.

Captain!

Ace, I started this. I'll finish it.

♪♪

Doggone it, fellows.

I forgot my tambourine!

And the children just love to hear me sing!

What are you doing?

I'm going back up.

We'll be late for the party. Let's go down!

-Let's... -Going up!

We're stuck!

No, I'm stuck with you two!

Yeah, but where are Santa's helpers when you need 'em?

-Help! -Help!

-Help! -Help!

Well, I guess everybody's at the Christmas Eve party.

Except three dum-dums stuck in an elevator.

Yeah.

We're supposed to be Santa clauses,

and we're acting like a bunch of kids.

That's right.

You know somethin'?

You should've been Santa claus because you look more like him.

Yeah.

No, you should have been Santa claus.

You got hired first.

Right.

Thanks, guys.

But I think you should have been Santa claus

'cause you're the oldest.

-That's true. -You know somethin', fellas?

We're just figuring out what Christmas is all about --

doing something nice for somebody else

and not ourselves. -Mm.

♪ You better watch out ♪

♪ you better not cry ♪

♪ you better not pout ♪

♪ I'm tellin' you why ♪

♪ Santa claus is comin' to town ♪

If he ever gets out of this elevator.

-Hey, Santa claus... -We're moving!

-...is comin' to town!

Billy?

Why did I ever let you guys talk me into this?

Oh, you are going to be great.

I know you will! -Yeah, you know it,

and I know it, but who's gonna tell the audience?

You are with your jokes!

You have made a million people laugh.

That's a gift!

It's Christmas. People return gifts.

Kids, I am scared.

That doesn't mean you're not gonna be good.

That's why we saved you till last.

You're the headliner!

You have got to get out on that stage!

Why?

Because where else are you gonna go dressed like that?

Now, you're talkin'.

♪♪

So now you know the whole story.

We were even going to have a mock wedding.

A mock wedding?

I was desperate.

I'd do anything to get you off my back about marriage,

but you put all this pressure on me!

Pressure?

When did I ever put pressure on you?

You're always talking about all your friends

and their children being married.

That is not pressure.

That is a fact.

All right.

Now -- now, about this Noel,

I saw you kissing him last night.

Oh, well, Noel and I hit it off.

But he doesn't believe in marriage,

so you can forget Noel.

One of these days, you're gonna fall in love.

You're gonna get married. I'm gonna be happy.

I'm gonna shout it from the rooftops.

But until then, marry for yourself, okay?

Don't marry for me.

I love you.

Of course you do.

Continued our gala Christmas Eve entertainment,

we have with us tonight one of the best-loved TV comics

of our times.

Let's all welcome Billy banks!

[ Applause ]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a pleasure to be here, a pleasure to be anywhere.

Did ya hear the one about the, uh, traveling salesman

whose car broke down?

So he -- he goes to the farmer.

He says, "farmer, could I spend the night?"

Farmer says, "sure, you can spend the night.

You'll have to sleep with my son."

He says, "sleep with your son?

I must be in the wrong joke!"

[ Rim shot ]

[ Light laughter ]

[ Tundra barking and whimpering ]

You're gonna love this one.

Ah, you're gonna... Yeah, right.

A guy's driving an old Chevy,

and a cop stops him and says, "hey, you're doin' 75

in a 50-mile zone."

The fellow says, "officer, could you do me a favor?

Could you write down 90? I'm trying to sell the car."

You get it? I'm trying to sell the...

What are you, an audience or a jury?

[ Laughter ]

Oh-ho! You like that one, huh?

Two guys meet at a party.

One guys says to the other guy,

"that is the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The guy says, "that's my wife."

He says, "I'm sorry."

The other guy says, "you're sorry?"

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

You want more?

Okay, you're gonna get more.

You're gonna get more.

Do you know why they have fire dogs on fire trucks?

So that the firemen can find the hydrants.

It's important to know when to get off, you know?

Ladies and gentlemen, you -- you --

you've been a really terrific audience,

and I...This has been the most wonderful Christmas gift

I could ever have.

Good night. Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

We are now leaving acapulco, ladies and gentlemen.

But our cruise is far from over.

We expect to see you all at our gala Christmas day dinner

tomorrow afternoon.

-Isn't this beautiful? -Mm-hmm.

In just a little while,

Santa's reindeer will be streaking through those clouds.

He's bringing lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh.

Ho-ho-ho, and what do you want

for Christmas, little girl?

Hmm, a little happiness for my mom and maybe,

if there's some left over, just a little for me.

I really blew this trip.

I'm glad it's almost over.

Well, I'm sorry it's almost over.

Careful.

You wouldn't want to say anything you regret.

I mean, uh, forgetful moment on Christmas Eve.

Carol, I...

Hey, watch it, Mr. Confirmed bachelor.

Well, look who's talking, miss confirmed bachelorette.

How am I ever gonna make my mama happy?

Well, who knows?

Maybe someday two confirmed bachelors

will suddenly realize they love each other.

I think they already have.

Merrill: It's my pleasure on this beautiful Christmas day

to wish the both of you all the happiness

that love can bring.

And may it reflect on all of us.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

♪♪

-Oh, congratulations. -Congratulations.

Carol: Thank you!

Oh, Carol!

You didn't have to do this for me!

But, mother, I actually didn't get married for you.

I got married for me.

Oh, come on.

This -- this -- this was a mock wedding.

I'm really married.

You married a man you just met?

That's what I did.

Wha-- wha-- what am I gonna tell my friends?

That you have a daughter who was once single

and now isn't.

Maybe we could say you're engaged...

Oh, mother!

At least for a little while. Leave it to me.

At least we're on the right track.

Where are the santas, gopher?

This is Christmas day.

Sir, I'm sorry. I don't know.

Santa: Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas!

Ho-ho-ho.

Ho-ho-ho. -Merry Christmas!

-Ho-ho-ho. -Merry Christmas!

Well, you did it again.

-Thank you. -Thank you. -Thank you.

[ Barks ]

♪♪

Turned out to be great Santa clauses after all.

Our pleasure.

The kids loved all of you.

And now you can go back to being solo santas.

I'm afraid not, Isaac.

We've decided we're gonna work together from now on.

-Yep. -Right.

But how about three rabbits for easter?

Oh, there they are.

Goodbye, Billy. -Ah, goodbye, captain.

We're so glad we could get you and tundra together.

Together forever.

Oh, goodbye, tundra.

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, you won't miss her for long.

Yes. We're booking tundra and Billy

to entertain on more of our cruises.

Unh-unh. Billy and tundra.

Even though she's top dog, I still get top billing.

Come on.

♪♪