Original subtitles

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love boat theme"]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward, let it flow,

it floats back to you.

The love boat, soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love!

welcome aboard!

It's love!

[Music playing]

Photographer: Can I get a picture?

That's it.

Very nice. Beautiful.

Thank you.

Oh! This darn pen.

I just bought it, and now it won't write.

You're lucky.

Lucky?

Yeah.

Judy told me that Marvin cooperman, the consumer

advocate, is taking a cruise.

You could complain to him.

Marvin cooperman?

Yeah, that's the guy that's on television with the show

"don't get mad, get even."

Oh!

Oh yeah, I like him.

He really goes after the manufacturers.

Yeah.

Thanks, just take that.

Let me borrow your pen.

He'll take that pen, march right up to the chairman

of the company, and force him to write 500 times,

"I make lousy pens."

Oh!

There he is.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Marvin.

You think maybe he'll have the factory recall the ship?

I'm Marvin cooperman, and, uh, my wife.

Oh, Mr. Cooperman!

I'm Vicki stubing, and this is Isaac Washington,

our chief bartender.

I'll be watching you for full-sized

drinks with quality spirits.

Yes, sir.

I swear.

Ellen!

Carol?

What a nice surprise!

Oh!

Marvin, I want you to meet a sorority sister

of mine, Ellen Churchill.

Oh, now it's Ellen brown.

- Oh? - How do you do?

Well, I certainly do better than you do,

because I don't spend my money on such overly-priced,

poor quality luggage.

Carol, who is this man?

You'll have to excuse Marvin.

He's a consumer advocate.

He's also my husband.

Too bad you couldn't have got a better brand.

Photographer: Watch those pearlies!

Great!

Thank you very much.

Enjoy your cruise.

Bye bye.

[Sighs]

Ah, excuse me.

Were those two girls asking questions about me?

No, sir, they were not.

Are they friends of yours?

No, no, no.

But I noticed them checking me out in the terminal,

and I thought maybe they were going to try

to hustle me for a date later.

I'm afraid not.

But maybe you'll see them later on and get yourself a date.

[Laughs] No girls for me, pal.

No, my social life on land is enough to wear out six guys.

No, this cruise is strictly for a rest--

well deserved rest, I might add.

Yeah, where is my cabin?

I'm Lester irwin.

Ah, yes.

Ok, Mr. Irwin, you can get right to resting,

because your cabin is fiesta 142.

Oh, please, not so loud on my cabin number.

Really, I mean, if those girls find out,

there are going to be fingernail scratches

all over my cabin door from them trying to claw their way in.

[Laughs] [Inaudible] I'll dig you later.

Trying to claw their way in?

That guy could leave his door open for the entire cruise

and nothing would happen.

Ok, your cabin is right up the stairs and to the left.

Dr. Bricker?

If I'm a good girl on the cruise, can I have a lollipop?

Missy!

Oh!

How is my very first patient?

You did a great job, doc.

I never got the chicken pox again.

Jack, it's so great to see you, too.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to this cruise.

Oh, we're going to have a lot of fun.

Especially me.

I'm going to have an affair.

[Laughs] She always had that great sense of humor.

I wish she were kidding.

Ah, let me guess-- newlyweds, right?

Huh?

Ok, how about a picture?

Let's get one of you guys kissing on this one.

Beauty. Right there.

Ok, one more.

Now, make it look like you love each other, ok?

You can always tell the newlyweds.

You ok?

Oh, I'm fine, fine.

Well, maybe medium-fine.

How about just this side of absolutely rotten?

Judy, what's wrong?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just that today is my wedding anniversary.

Or it would be if I was still married.

All right.

I guess that is a little rough, isn't it?

Yeah.

Do you know I still find myself twisting a wedding

band that isn't there?

Look, I can have someone relieve you for a while.

No, no, no, no, no.

I need to keep on working.

It's harder to feel sorry for myself.

You sure?

Yeah.

Let me know if you need a shoulder to lean on.

Oh, excuse me, can you tell me if i'm

headed in the right direction?

Well you will be if you turn around and head that way.

Oh, thanks.

I'm Mike morel, whichever direction I'm going in.

Welcome aboard.

I'm Judy McCoy, the cruise director.

Oh.

Is that miss or Mrs.?

[Laughs]

Excuse me.

[Ship horn blasting]

[Music playing]

Carol.

Oh hi, Ellen.

I'd like to apologize for what I said about your husband

when we were boarding.

It's not your fault. Marvin wasn't exactly Mr. Manners.

Sit down.

We've got a lot to talk about since college.

True.

What's been happening since then?

You were the one everybody expected to be the first woman

president of the United States.

Well, I got married instead.

And I'm not even vice president of that.

I think the highest rank I've reached

is secretary of the interior, the interior of a living room,

of a kitchen, and three bedrooms.

Hello, dear.

What do you say?

Ellen just said that she's sorry you two

got off to such a bad start.

Apology accepted.

May I?

Amazing how some people are deceived by advertising.

I beg your pardon?

Just because this lotion is put out by a famous name,

people buy it.

Marvin.

I checked out this lotion on my show.

In a comparison of 10 lotions, this one came in ninth.

At least you didn't buy the one that came in 10th.

Why are some people such suckers for advertising?

Should we get some drinks?

Well, if you don't mind, this sucker

will get a drink by herself.

What'd I say?

Ok, you two, we've got some talking to do.

Now what is this nonsense you told me about.

You're planning to have an affair,

and you're going along with it?

You want to tell him?

It all started with my high school class reunion.

Missy couldn't make it that weekend.

- Oh, boy. - No.

Oh, girl.

The reunion was a complete disaster.

All the men were losing their hair, and the women,

their figures.

It was such a downer, I got smashed, and--

and woke up the next morning with our old cheerleader,

Wanda dubrow.

Hm.

How'd you find out?

Jack told me.

That's one of the big problems with our marriage.

We always tell each other the truth.

And now you're going to have an affair to get even?

Oh, no.

I'm having this affair to save our marriage.

I'm lost.

Well most women never really forgive their husbands

for having affairs.

They spend the rest of their lives using it as a weapon,

and feeling morally superior.

I love you too much for that.

I want to be as rotten as you were.

He could make me feel rotten.

I don't want you to feel that rotten.

Whatever happened to the little girl with chicken pox?

Photographer: Beauty.

Thank you very much.

Have a good day.

Hey, ace.

Ciao!

Hey, Lester, I thought you were

going to stay in your cabin and hide out from the ladies.

They found me.

Yeah.

Chick got a key, let herself in.

She wasn't carrying towels and wearing

a maid's uniform, was she?

It was a disguise.

Oh

yeah, oh, that's nothing though.

I think I've rested enough, though, and, uh--

Watch this.

Heh heh.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Do you girls live around here?

What happened, Lester?

I think they're going to slip into something

a little more comfortable.

Oh yeah, those bikinis can be real uncomfortable.

See you around.

Ok.

Woman (over pa): Good morning, passengers.

If you take a quick look off the starboard bow,

you'll see a school of playful porpoises putting on a show.

Hi.

Remember me, the hysterical cruise director?

I'm afraid to say yes or no.

I really want to apologize for that ridiculous behavior.

It was a personal thing.

[Laughs] Not about you-- it's somebody else.

Listen, Judy, you don't have to say another word.

I have a sister who cries at card tricks.

Well, thanks for understanding.

Anyway, I want to make it up to you.

Really, it's not necessary.

No, I insist.

That is, if you would care to have dinner with me

at the captain's table tonight.

No tears, just good conversation.

The good conversation already started

when you invited me to dinner.

Hey goph.

Isaac, you see that guy over there with Judy?

Yeah.

You know him?

I served him a drink.

His name's Mike morel.

I'm sure I've seen that guy before someplace.

Well, maybe this isn't his first cruise.

No, it wasn't on a cruise.

And his name wasn't Mike morel.

Man (over pa): [Speaking Italian] Join u

for the romance of venice, the splendor of Rome,

and the zesty cuisine of Italy as our primo

chef presents Italian night.

Bon appetito!

Carol: Ellen!

Will you join us for dinner?

Well i--

Carol: Please?

Thank you.

I understand the food on this ship is excellent.

Well, we'll see, won't we?

It's all a matter of quality control.

Do you ever forget your work, Marvin?

No, I don't.

I feel obligated to fight for consumer rights

wherever I find a problem.

Right here, for instance.

Marvin, what are you doing?

It's not as though I took it off her foot, my dear.

She slipped it off herself.

It must be killing her.

Do you mind?

Hm.

And I can see why-- broken stitches inside, very

shoddy workmanship.

You should file a complaint.

I intend to, right now.

Marvin, give her back her shoe.

Amazing.

I bet these shoes won't last another month.

Give me that.

I'm so surprised.

I was right again.

But they do go nicely with your dress!

They do.

Lester, well, I'm surprised to see you dining alone.

No, hey, I hate to you how many invites I turned down.

At least when I eat alone I know I'll have good company.

[Laughs]

So far you've turned down every guy I've picked

out to have my affair with.

That's because you only pick out the handsome ones.

You said you weren't going to enjoy it.

Ok, ok.

How about that one?

The one sitting or standing?

I guess it'll have to be the one sitting.

Hi, I'm missy.

I'm Lester.

I'm ace.

Lester, why don't you join me later

in the lounge for a drink?

Me?

Yeah, ok yeah, sure cutie.

Great.

Bye.

I thought I was going to have the night off.

Well, I'll tell you, you get a good night's rest,

because tomorrow might be your day.

Mike morel: Judy, how can you keep such a gorgeous figure

eating like this every night?

You guys live right.

Nice to see you smiling again.

It's nice to be smiling again.

Judy, I love your dress.

I'll second that.

So Mr. Morel, what do you do?

I beg your pardon?

What kind of business are you in?

I'm in sporting goods.

Sporting goods!

I bet that's a good business.

Yeah, I bet you there's a lot of money in that.

I got a cousin that just spent $450 bucks

on a pair of hellstrom skis.

Are they worth that?

Absolutely.

Hellstrom makes some of the best skis in the world.

Oh captain, before I forget, when we get to puerto vallarta

I want to make sure I get to go parasailing.

Well, I'm sure I can find somebody

who'll make the arrangement.

[Music playing]

Thank you.

Cheers.

Ellen, I'm so glad that you've joined us for drinks.

Yes, and I'm sorry about that incident in the dining room.

Apology accepted.

But you know, you're not alone in the world.

My wife is exactly like you-- a sheep waiting

to be shorn of her money.

But she's cute as a lamb.

Well, Carol is more than cute.

She always struck me as pretty sharp back in college.

Oh, Ellen.

I mean it.

I always thought you would make a terrific career woman.

Ellen, I am just a housewife.

Well, I used to be just a housewife myself.

But now I make Mrs. brown's brownies.

- Really? - No kidding!

They're my favorite.

Great quality, delicious!

Marvin adores them.

So you work for Mrs. Brown's brownies.

No.

I am Mrs. Brown's brownies.

You're kidding.

I started the company on a shoestring,

and it has grown so quickly, it's

almost more than I can handle.

Oh!

Ellen, I am so proud of you.

Carol, I always operate on gut reaction and impulse.

How would you like to work for me?

Oh, Ellen.

Well, I'm so flattered.

Maybe i--

sorry to disappoint you, but Carol

already has one of the most important jobs in the world.

She's Mrs. Marvin cooperman.

Jack, missy's done some crazy things, but this is too much.

You've got to stop her.

I can't.

She's really convinced this is the only way

we can solve our problem.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

No.

She's got a right to hurt me.

I hurt her.

That Turkey dancing with her-- he's the one I want to hurt.

Is that guy up there your boyfriend?

Boyfriend?

No.

Well, I wonder why he keeps looking at us like that?

I don't know.

But why don't we go someplace where he can't look at us?

Some place like your cabin?

My cabin?

Ok.

All right, sweetheart.

All your dreams are about to come true.

Hey doc, when does the captain drop anchor?

Oh, not till we get to puerto vallarta.

When he does, that guy's going to be attached to it.

Ah, no pictures, kid.

Dad?

Do you think Judy and Mike are getting

serious about each other?

Well, they seemed quite serious at dinner.

Well, it looks like they've gone way past dinner.

Do you always vacation by yourself?

I'm not by myself now.

And you've never been married.

Nope.

Not even close?

Nope.

Hm.

You certainly don't talk about yourself.

Nope.

Besides, you're much more interesting than I am.

After all, a warm and lovely lady like you

only comes by once every couple hundred years,

according to my watch anyway.

Isaac, I'm telling you, there is something very phony

about that guy morel.

Eh--

no.

If this guy knew anything at all about sporting goods,

he would know that hellstrom does not make skis.

Well, that's the first thing I learned in my old neighborhood.

Isaac, hellstrom doesn't make anything.

I made that name up.

Welcome to my pad.

Is this going to take very long?

Hey, now, what's your hurry?

Love can't be rushed .

This could be a very special evening.

First, a little soft music, then we dim the lights,

next, a little champagne.

I can't.

I don't know you well enough for this.

Huh?

Oh no.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait a minute!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

No!

We can skip the champagne!

Judy, I hope this doesn't sound stupid

coming from your most ardent admirer,

but I am really sorry your marriage didn't work out.

That makes three of us--

you, me, and my mother.

I'm serious.

You deserve the best.

Well, I kind of feel i'm doing pretty ok right now.

Oh.

I'd better be running along.

So early?

We dock in puerto vallarta tomorrow.

I still haven't organized the shore excursions thanks to you.

On a more serious note, thanks to you.

Bye.

Bye.

You know, Carol, I find your friend Ellen very annoying.

Remember, she's the one who makes your favorite brownies.

Her brownies are perfection.

Her attitude is not.

Why?

Just because she offered me an interesting, challenging job?

Of course not.

Besides, there's no way you're going to take it.

Well, Marvin, I've been thinking.

I really would like to have some kind of career.

Not and be my wife.

Carol, as you know, I believe there should only be

one wage earner per household.

I agree completely.

Good.

So you can be the one wage earner in your household,

and I can be the one wage earner in my household.

Once you get inside, just keep your eyes open, you know.

Gopher, I'm just delivering a beer to Mr. Morel, ok?

Right.

A perfect way to check out his stateroom,

to find something that proves he is not who he says he is.

Do you mind?

Oh Isaac, thanks.

Mr. Morel.

Ok, here you go, Mr. Morel.

I'll just open this for you, all right?

Oh jeez, I'm sorry.

Let me clean this up for you. All right?

It's all right. - All right!

Listen, that's all right.

I'll take care of that.

Here, you take this here.

Well, I'll get you another beer then.

No, it's no problem.

It's no problem at all to just--

really, it's no problem at all.

Find out anything?

Mm!

I don't know.

Of course, for such a cool guy, he did lose his cool

when I spilled a little beer.

Aha. You see?

Yeah.

Like maybe he had something to hide, hm?

[Music playing]

Man (over pa): Good morning, passengers.

We are now serving our delicious breakfast

buffet on the starlight deck.

Look, honey, why don't we forget about my wild night

of passion and your evening out with that Turkey

and just go back to the way things were?

That's exactly what I want to do.

I'll get us a table.

Ok.

I bet he was relieved when you told him

nothing happened last night.

He sure was.

Great.

Now it's back to lovebird time.

[Laughs] I've got a confession to make.

The only reason I agreed to that crazy scheme of yours

is because I knew you wouldn't be able to go through with it.

Excuse me.

Where you going?

To find another Turkey.

And this time it might not be your Thanksgiving.

Miss-- missy!

Miss--

This is the storyboard for our new TV campaign.

It's good.

Except--

except what?

Well--

what would you change?

Everybody uses grandmothers to push their products.

Why don't we use a couple of angels, and one of them

says, "they're better than homemade, they're heavenly."

Carol, it's wonderful.

Yeah?

I like it.

And then we can maybe come up here--

Carol?

I've decided to give you one more chance.

One more chance to do what, Marvin?

One more chance to forget about this job, Carol.

One more chance to come to your senses.

Well, thank you, Marvin, but if you'll excuse me,

I have to get back to my work.

I don't think you heard me, Carol.

This is your last chance, ok?

The last chance.

She heard you.

[Laughs]

Don't worry, Carol.

He may be angry now, but he will get used

to the idea of your working.

Yeah.

Maybe he'll come around when he realizes the fringe benefits--

all the free brownies he can eat?

[Laughs] Well, he may love to eat brownies, but I'll bet

he hates to eat crow.

- Good morning. - Hi.

Morning.

Say, you're not into shuffle board by any chance?

Judy needs another player.

Sorry.

Maybe a little later, like 15, 20 years?

Yeah, that's what I told her.

You're both very funny.

Isaac!

Isaac, I'm telling you we've got to warn Judy right now.

What?

That morel is a nervous tipper and doesn't

know anything about skis?

What about that tour of puerto vallarta.

Are we on?

All arranged.

Just the two of us?

I'm afraid so.

I tried my darndest, but I couldn't find anybody

else who wanted to tag along.

I have to go to work. - Oh.

See you later.

Ok.

Judy!

Judy, we got to talk.

Ah, guys, I'm really pressed--

ok, real quick.

Real quick.

Your friend morel--

gopher doesn't think he is who he says he is.

Oh?

Ok, one, I have seen this guy before.

I don't know where I've seen him before, but I'll tell you this,

it's got nothing to do with fun and games.

Two, this guy knows zip about sporting goods.

Three, I like you dearly, fellas, but this time

you are way out of line.

Judy, you don't believe him?

Us?

Whatever it is you're insinuating about Mike,

well, my female instincts tell me you are both wrong.

Female instincts.

How come nobody ever says anything about male instincts?

Woman (over pa): Buenos dias, ladies

and gentlemen, and welcome to gorgeous puerto vallarta.

From the mariachis on mismaloya beach to the vendors

on the quaint cobblestone streets,

you'll enjoy the charm and flavor of old Mexico.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I know I'm going to.

Bien tiempo.

Hey, Lester.

Hey, what's shaking, ace?

Oh, not much.

How'd your date go last night?

[Laughs] Oh, like they always do.

You going to see her again?

I don't know.

No, it might not be fair to the other girls on the ship.

You know, I'm thinking maybe I should spread

myself around a little bit.

Oh yeah.

Lester.

Can I see you again tonight?

I don't know.

Please?

It's important to me.

Ok, ok, just don't grovel.

Thank you.

I'll come my your cabin.

Yeah, well now, if I'm asleep, just make yourself comfortable

till I wake up.

I don't know what you've got, pal.

Stick around kid--

might be contagious.

Marvin, I'm going up on deck to meet Ellen.

I'll see you later.

Carol, you look just beautiful today.

Thank you, Marvin.

That's two days I've looked beautiful.

The last day you told me that was 10 years ago.

Carol, that is unfair.

I may be a demonstrative man, but you

know that I have loved you throughout our entire marriage.

I guess you have.

It's just that you've saved all your emotion for discovering

pits in pitless prunes.

That's my job.

I know it is.

And now, I'm going up to talk to Ellen about my job.

Carol, before you get involved with her company,

let me just read you part of the script for my next show.

The only ingredient in Mrs. Brown's brownies

that is worth the outrageous price

is the red ribbon that is used to fancy up the box.

My tests show that it is 100% genuine ribbon.

Everything else in Mrs. Brown's brownies is the cheapest.

I told Ellen you were critical, but honest.

You know what, Marvin?

You have become one of the products

that you are always warning people against.

Man (over pa): All visitors to shore please.

We sail in 15 minutes.

I had a wonderful time, a marvelous time.

But you should have a good time.

You're the social director.

Well, I've been more social this afternoon than I

have in a long, long time.

Can I meet you somewhere later?

Anywhere.

Let's make it everywhere!

[Laughs]

Judy?

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Take a look at that.

I told you I recognized your friend.

See, Mike morel is actually Sam Paris.

He's the biggest crime boss on the west coast.

But it can't be Mike.

Picture doesn't lie, Judy.

But it says Sam Paris is in jail.

But he could have posted bail and skipped

town under an assumed name.

I think we'd better tell the captain about this, don't you?

Yeah.

Ok, well, why don't you get changed, and I'll go get Isaac,

and we'll go see the captain.

I'm sorry about this, Judy.

Not any sorrier than I am.

Captain stubing (over pa): Ladies and gentlemen,

we are now leaving puerto vallarta for our home

port of San Pedro, California.

But you can still enjoy a glorious evening

of our famous pacific Princess wining and dining and dancing.

Carol!

I made the changes you suggested--

pure genius.

Thanks.

I'm glad you liked the idea, because i'm

afraid it was my last one.

What?

Well, at first, going to work sounded like fun.

But I think I enjoy my life the way it is.

How can you enjoy living with a consumer advocate

husband who knows everything?

The only thing he doesn't know is how poorly packaged he is.

Marvin's all right.

Something's happened.

What?

Well, I guess I should have told you this earlier.

Marvin read me the script for his next show.

If I take this job, he will tear your brownies apart on the air.

Well, that certainly would hurt sales.

Yeah.

We can't let him roll over both of us.

No.

I still want you to take the job.

All right, Ellen.

If you're willing to go through this, So am I.

Great.

And if Marvin doesn't like it, I'll

just tell him that's the way the brownie crumbles.

That's right.

Sam Paris.

I see.

Well, thank you for the information, lieutenant.

Well?

Gopher and Isaac were right.

He jumped bail three days ago.

Just in time to get on the ship.

Well, maybe Mike can explain all this.

Judy, he is not Mike.

He is Sam Paris.

And Sam Paris doesn't explain things

to people, he kills them.

[Music playing]

What a dummy I was, joking about my stupid affair,

and then kidding missy because she couldn't go through

with her affair with Lester.

Try to calm down, Jack, you're wearing out the deck.

But doc, right now he's probably

getting ready to make his big move,

plying her with champagne.

Relax.

There's many a slip between the cup and the hip--

and the lip.

I mean the lip, and the lip.

[Gargling]

Sleeping beauty, here comes your prince.

There she is, 100 years she's been waiting for his kiss.

The prince puckers up--

sleeping beauty puckers up.

I can't do it!

I'm married!

What?

Prince didn't quite get that.

I said I'm married.

My husband had an affair, and so I was going to have one, too.

You've been using me as a sex object?

I'll kill him!

Jack, wait!

We weren't doing anything!

Right.

You were in bed together and you weren't doing anything.

I'll strangle him!

Lester: No, stop. No, no, no.

Stop. Stop, please!

Just give me a minute to explain.

Jack: All right.

You've got one minute.

Now, you're wife, no, we, no, nothing did--

not tonight, not last night.

He's right, Jack.

I tried, but I just couldn't go through with it.

I guess I love you too much.

I love you, too.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

Well, I'm glad you didn't hurt me.

It's been very interesting talking to you, Mr. Cooperman.

I'm sorry to take up so much of your time, captain.

I guess I just wanted to talk man to man

with someone about my problem.

And for that, I thank you.

Mr. Cooperman?

I'm just one man.

Perhaps you should present your findings to the people.

How?

Well, you're a consumer advocate, a man who prides

himself on dealing with products in a direct and truthful

manner, right?

Well, yes.

Then let me offer you a platform.

I can make the acapulco lounge available to you,

and you can present your case there.

I accept.

Ok. You're sure you'll be all right?

We'll take turns standing outside your cabin.

We'll stand right here.

We'll be right here with you all night.

Fellas!

Fellas, fellas, you're sweet, but I'll be ok.

Ok.

All right.

Whatever you say.

You'll be careful?

Careful.

- Promise? - Promise.

Ok, fine.

I looked all over the ship for you.

I figured this is one place you'd have

to come to sooner or later.

Oh, Mike.

I'd love to stay and talk to you,

but I just remembered I left my purse in the lounge.

Judy!

Stop!

Judy!

Judy, wait!

Judy!

[Music playing]

Excuse me.

[Applause]

Ladies and gentlemen?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce

a famous television personality who's been sailing with us.

He's standing right over there.

Marvin cooperman, the man who tells us--

all: Don't get mad, get even!

[Applause]

I believe Mr. cooperman has something

he'd like to share with us.

Ladies and gentlemen, I didn't come aboard

to do my show, however, I would like

to talk to you about a product that you've come to trust

and rely on.

And that trust has been betrayed.

Marvin, please.

And I'm afraid that defective product is--

me.

I just want you people to know that this lady, my lovely wife,

is my quality control.

She's pointed out the defects in my design,

and showed me where I had to remodel my thinking.

And thanks to her, you're looking at the new and improved

Marvin cooperman.

And I'd also like to announce that my wife is going to work

for our good friend Ellen brown as the new vice

president of the company that makes

the greatest taste delight in the world, Mrs.

Brown's brownies.

[Applause]

Let's have a toast to my two favorite career women,

my lovely wife and our good friend miss Ellen brown,

the most wonderful baker in the world.

May your business be as sweet as your brownies.

Ah.

Marvin, what did you pay for this?

They must have seen you coming.

Only a sucker would buy this.

You must be kidding.

Well, look at the contents--

50% grape, 50% polyester.

Oh, um-- yeah.

Ha, ha, ha.

Let's not badmouth the ship.

It's been a great cruise.

Judy.

[Screams] What do you want?

I know who you are. No!

Don't!

Judy, will you please open your eyes?

F b I. You're with the FBI?

That's all I've been trying to tell you.

The name is Jeff, Jeff Peterson.

But-but-but you were in that magazine, in the pictures,

with the handcuffs.

It was you.

Right.

Yeah.

Sam Paris, the crime boss.

Oh, for the--

Judy, no wonder you were so frightened.

I was working undercover.

The guy in the white suit was me.

The other one was Paris.

I was the agent who arrested him.

Oh, Mike!

I mean Jeff.

Ok, Paris, the show's over.

Let her go!

I warned you, I have a brown belt in karate!

Ha!

Right!

Take him!

No, no, no!

Isaac, gopher, he's with the FBI.

He's the one who arrested Paris.

Right.

Sure.

What's he doing on a cruise to Mexico under an assumed name?

Very simple.

Apparently there's a contract on my life,

and my superiors thought it would

be better if I was out of town until Paris goes to trial.

That's reasonable.

Nice wallet.

Come on, I'll get the shoe horn.

Shoe horn?

Yeah, we're going to need something to pry

your foot out of your mouth.

Speaking of mouths--

[Music playing]

Now, missy and Jack, I want you two

to go off and live happily ever after,

and that's doctor's orders.

Goodbye, doc.

Thanks, doc.

Bye.

Yeah, all right.

Well, goodbye, Lester.

Listen, I'll put your picture in the ship's brochure to attract

the women passengers.

Not a good idea.

You'll wind up having to get a bigger ship.

My prince.

Any time.

No I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding.

Missy: Bye.

Bye bye.

Tough being a sex symbol.

She didn't even look at you.

Please thank your boss for offering me the lounge

to talk about my product.

Oh, well, thank you.

All the passengers loved it, especially the part

where you kissed Mrs. Cooperman.

That was my favorite part.

My favorite part was getting a new partner and an endorsement

from one of the country's leading consumer advocates.

The leading consumer advocate.

It's humor.

Jeff, I trust the call from Washington was good news?

Yes, thanks.

The San Diego office picked up Sam

Paris trying to make it into Mexico under an assumed name.

Ah.

Where have I heard that before?

Uh, from me, I think.

From you, we know.

They say a sailor has a girl in every port.

How about you girls?

Not me.

At least no boys in this port.

Then I can see you again?

That would be lovely.

Goodbye, captain.

Goodbye, Jeff.

Gopher, captain, Isaac, so long.

[Theme music]