All language subtitles for The Love Boat - S08E09 - By Hook or By Crook - Revenge with Proper Stranger - Dont Get Mad, Get Even.en

[Theme - Jack Jones, "the love
boat theme"]

Theme song: Love,
exciting and new.

Come aboard, we're
expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest
reward, let it flow,

it floats back to you.

The love boat, soon we'll
be making another run.

The love boat promises
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

It's love!

welcome aboard!

It's love!

[Music playing]

Photographer: Can
I get a picture?

That's it.

Very nice.
Beautiful.

Thank you.

Oh! This darn pen.

I just bought it, and
now it won't write.

You're lucky.

Lucky?

Yeah.

Judy told me that Marvin
cooperman, the consumer

advocate, is taking a cruise.

You could complain to him.

Marvin cooperman?

Yeah, that's the guy that's
on television with the show

"don't get mad, get even."

Oh!

Oh yeah, I like him.

He really goes after
the manufacturers.

Yeah.

Thanks, just take that.

Let me borrow your pen.

He'll take that pen, march
right up to the chairman

of the company, and force
him to write 500 times,

"I make lousy pens."

Oh!

There he is.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Marvin.

You think maybe he'll have
the factory recall the ship?

I'm Marvin cooperman,
and, uh, my wife.

Oh, Mr. Cooperman!

I'm Vicki stubing, and
this is Isaac Washington,

our chief bartender.

I'll be watching
you for full-sized

drinks with quality spirits.

Yes, sir.

I swear.

Ellen!

Carol?

What a nice surprise!

Oh!

Marvin, I want you to
meet a sorority sister

of mine, Ellen Churchill.

Oh, now it's Ellen brown.

- Oh?
- How do you do?

Well, I certainly
do better than you do,

because I don't spend my
money on such overly-priced,

poor quality luggage.

Carol, who is this man?

You'll have to excuse Marvin.

He's a consumer advocate.

He's also my husband.

Too bad you couldn't
have got a better brand.

Photographer: Watch
those pearlies!

Great!

Thank you very much.

Enjoy your cruise.

Bye bye.

[Sighs]

Ah, excuse me.

Were those two girls
asking questions about me?

No, sir, they were not.

Are they friends of yours?

No, no, no.

But I noticed them checking
me out in the terminal,

and I thought maybe
they were going to try

to hustle me for a date later.

I'm afraid not.

But maybe you'll see them later
on and get yourself a date.

[Laughs] No girls for me, pal.

No, my social life on land is
enough to wear out six guys.

No, this cruise is
strictly for a rest--

well deserved rest, I might add.

Yeah, where is my cabin?

I'm Lester irwin.

Ah, yes.

Ok, Mr. Irwin, you can
get right to resting,

because your cabin
is fiesta 142.

Oh, please, not so
loud on my cabin number.

Really, I mean, if
those girls find out,

there are going to be
fingernail scratches

all over my cabin door from them
trying to claw their way in.

[Laughs] [Inaudible]
I'll dig you later.

Trying to claw their way in?

That guy could leave his
door open for the entire cruise

and nothing would happen.

Ok, your cabin is right up
the stairs and to the left.

Dr. Bricker?

If I'm a good girl on the
cruise, can I have a lollipop?

Missy!

Oh!

How is my very first patient?

You did a great job, doc.

I never got the
chicken pox again.

Jack, it's so great
to see you, too.

Yeah, I'm really looking
forward to this cruise.

Oh, we're going to
have a lot of fun.

Especially me.

I'm going to have an affair.

[Laughs] She always had
that great sense of humor.

I wish she were kidding.

Ah, let me guess--
newlyweds, right?

Huh?

Ok, how about a picture?

Let's get one of you
guys kissing on this one.

Beauty.
Right there.

Ok, one more.

Now, make it look like
you love each other, ok?

You can always
tell the newlyweds.

You ok?

Oh, I'm fine, fine.

Well, maybe medium-fine.

How about just this side
of absolutely rotten?

Judy, what's wrong?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just that today is
my wedding anniversary.

Or it would be if I
was still married.

All right.

I guess that is a
little rough, isn't it?

Yeah.

Do you know I still find
myself twisting a wedding

band that isn't there?

Look, I can have someone
relieve you for a while.

No, no, no, no, no.

I need to keep on working.

It's harder to feel
sorry for myself.

You sure?

Yeah.

Let me know if you need
a shoulder to lean on.

Oh, excuse me, can
you tell me if i'm

headed in the right direction?

Well you will be if you
turn around and head that way.

Oh, thanks.

I'm Mike morel, whichever
direction I'm going in.

Welcome aboard.

I'm Judy McCoy, the
cruise director.

Oh.

Is that miss or Mrs.?

[Laughs]

Excuse me.

[Ship horn blasting]

[Music playing]

Carol.

Oh hi, Ellen.

I'd like to apologize for
what I said about your husband

when we were boarding.

It's not your fault. Marvin
wasn't exactly Mr. Manners.

Sit down.

We've got a lot to talk
about since college.

True.

What's been
happening since then?

You were the one everybody
expected to be the first woman

president of the United States.

Well, I got married instead.

And I'm not even vice
president of that.

I think the highest
rank I've reached

is secretary of the interior,
the interior of a living room,

of a kitchen, and
three bedrooms.

Hello, dear.

What do you say?

Ellen just said that
she's sorry you two

got off to such a bad start.

Apology accepted.

May I?

Amazing how some people are
deceived by advertising.

I beg your pardon?

Just because this lotion
is put out by a famous name,

people buy it.

Marvin.

I checked out this
lotion on my show.

In a comparison of 10 lotions,
this one came in ninth.

At least you didn't buy
the one that came in 10th.

Why are some people such
suckers for advertising?

Should we get some drinks?

Well, if you don't
mind, this sucker

will get a drink by herself.

What'd I say?

Ok, you two, we've
got some talking to do.

Now what is this nonsense
you told me about.

You're planning
to have an affair,

and you're going along with it?

You want to tell him?

It all started with my
high school class reunion.

Missy couldn't make
it that weekend.

- Oh, boy.
- No.

Oh, girl.

The reunion was a
complete disaster.

All the men were losing
their hair, and the women,

their figures.

It was such a downer,
I got smashed, and--

and woke up the next morning
with our old cheerleader,

Wanda dubrow.

Hm.

How'd you find out?

Jack told me.

That's one of the big
problems with our marriage.

We always tell each
other the truth.

And now you're going to
have an affair to get even?

Oh, no.

I'm having this affair
to save our marriage.

I'm lost.

Well most women never
really forgive their husbands

for having affairs.

They spend the rest of their
lives using it as a weapon,

and feeling morally superior.

I love you too much for that.

I want to be as
rotten as you were.

He could make me feel rotten.

I don't want you
to feel that rotten.

Whatever happened to the
little girl with chicken pox?

Photographer: Beauty.

Thank you very much.

Have a good day.

Hey, ace.

Ciao!

Hey, Lester, I
thought you were

going to stay in your cabin
and hide out from the ladies.

They found me.

Yeah.

Chick got a key, let herself in.

She wasn't carrying
towels and wearing

a maid's uniform, was she?

It was a disguise.

Oh

yeah, oh, that's
nothing though.

I think I've rested
enough, though, and, uh--

Watch this.

Heh heh.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Do you girls live around here?

What happened, Lester?

I think they're going
to slip into something

a little more comfortable.

Oh yeah, those bikinis
can be real uncomfortable.

See you around.

Ok.

Woman (over pa): Good
morning, passengers.

If you take a quick look
off the starboard bow,

you'll see a school of playful
porpoises putting on a show.

Hi.

Remember me, the
hysterical cruise director?

I'm afraid to say yes or no.

I really want to apologize
for that ridiculous behavior.

It was a personal thing.

[Laughs] Not about you--
it's somebody else.

Listen, Judy, you don't
have to say another word.

I have a sister who
cries at card tricks.

Well, thanks
for understanding.

Anyway, I want to
make it up to you.

Really, it's not necessary.

No, I insist.

That is, if you would care
to have dinner with me

at the captain's table tonight.

No tears, just
good conversation.

The good conversation
already started

when you invited me to dinner.

Hey goph.

Isaac, you see that
guy over there with Judy?

Yeah.

You know him?

I served him a drink.

His name's Mike morel.

I'm sure I've seen that
guy before someplace.

Well, maybe this
isn't his first cruise.

No, it wasn't on a cruise.

And his name wasn't Mike morel.

Man (over pa):
[Speaking Italian] Join u

for the romance of venice,
the splendor of Rome,

and the zesty cuisine
of Italy as our primo

chef presents Italian night.

Bon appetito!

Carol: Ellen!

Will you join us for dinner?

Well i--

Carol: Please?

Thank you.

I understand the food
on this ship is excellent.

Well, we'll see, won't we?

It's all a matter
of quality control.

Do you ever forget
your work, Marvin?

No, I don't.

I feel obligated to
fight for consumer rights

wherever I find a problem.

Right here, for instance.

Marvin, what are you doing?

It's not as though I took
it off her foot, my dear.

She slipped it off herself.

It must be killing her.

Do you mind?

Hm.

And I can see why-- broken
stitches inside, very

shoddy workmanship.

You should file a complaint.

I intend to, right now.

Marvin, give
her back her shoe.

Amazing.

I bet these shoes won't
last another month.

Give me that.

I'm so surprised.

I was right again.

But they do go nicely
with your dress!

They do.

Lester, well, I'm surprised
to see you dining alone.

No, hey, I hate to you how
many invites I turned down.

At least when I eat alone I
know I'll have good company.

[Laughs]

So far you've turned
down every guy I've picked

out to have my affair with.

That's because you only
pick out the handsome ones.

You said you weren't
going to enjoy it.

Ok, ok.

How about that one?

The one sitting or standing?

I guess it'll have
to be the one sitting.

Hi, I'm missy.

I'm Lester.

I'm ace.

Lester, why don't
you join me later

in the lounge for a drink?

Me?

Yeah, ok yeah, sure cutie.

Great.

Bye.

I thought I was going
to have the night off.

Well, I'll tell you, you
get a good night's rest,

because tomorrow
might be your day.

Mike morel: Judy, how can you
keep such a gorgeous figure

eating like this every night?

You guys live right.

Nice to see you smiling again.

It's nice to be smiling again.

Judy, I love your dress.

I'll second that.

So Mr. Morel, what do you do?

I beg your pardon?

What kind of
business are you in?

I'm in sporting goods.

Sporting goods!

I bet that's a good business.

Yeah, I bet you there's
a lot of money in that.

I got a cousin that
just spent $450 bucks

on a pair of hellstrom skis.

Are they worth that?

Absolutely.

Hellstrom makes some of
the best skis in the world.

Oh captain, before I forget,
when we get to puerto vallarta

I want to make sure I
get to go parasailing.

Well, I'm sure I
can find somebody

who'll make the arrangement.

[Music playing]

Thank you.

Cheers.

Ellen, I'm so glad that
you've joined us for drinks.

Yes, and I'm sorry about that
incident in the dining room.

Apology accepted.

But you know, you're
not alone in the world.

My wife is exactly like
you-- a sheep waiting

to be shorn of her money.

But she's cute as a lamb.

Well, Carol is more than cute.

She always struck me as
pretty sharp back in college.

Oh, Ellen.

I mean it.

I always thought you would
make a terrific career woman.

Ellen, I am just a housewife.

Well, I used to be
just a housewife myself.

But now I make Mrs.
brown's brownies.

- Really?
- No kidding!

They're my favorite.

Great quality, delicious!

Marvin adores them.

So you work for
Mrs. Brown's brownies.

No.

I am Mrs. Brown's brownies.

You're kidding.

I started the company
on a shoestring,

and it has grown
so quickly, it's

almost more than I can handle.

Oh!

Ellen, I am so proud of you.

Carol, I always operate
on gut reaction and impulse.

How would you like
to work for me?

Oh, Ellen.

Well, I'm so flattered.

Maybe i--

sorry to disappoint
you, but Carol

already has one of the most
important jobs in the world.

She's Mrs. Marvin cooperman.

Jack, missy's done some crazy
things, but this is too much.

You've got to stop her.

I can't.

She's really convinced
this is the only way

we can solve our problem.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

No.

She's got a right to hurt me.

I hurt her.

That Turkey dancing with her--
he's the one I want to hurt.

Is that guy up
there your boyfriend?

Boyfriend?

No.

Well, I wonder why he keeps
looking at us like that?

I don't know.

But why don't we go someplace
where he can't look at us?

Some place like your cabin?

My cabin?

Ok.

All right, sweetheart.

All your dreams are
about to come true.

Hey doc, when does
the captain drop anchor?

Oh, not till we get
to puerto vallarta.

When he does, that guy's
going to be attached to it.

Ah, no pictures, kid.

Dad?

Do you think Judy
and Mike are getting

serious about each other?

Well, they seemed
quite serious at dinner.

Well, it looks like
they've gone way past dinner.

Do you always
vacation by yourself?

I'm not by myself now.

And you've never been married.

Nope.

Not even close?

Nope.

Hm.

You certainly don't
talk about yourself.

Nope.

Besides, you're much more
interesting than I am.

After all, a warm and
lovely lady like you

only comes by once every
couple hundred years,

according to my watch anyway.

Isaac, I'm telling you,
there is something very phony

about that guy morel.

Eh--

no.

If this guy knew anything
at all about sporting goods,

he would know that hellstrom
does not make skis.

Well, that's the first thing I
learned in my old neighborhood.

Isaac, hellstrom
doesn't make anything.

I made that name up.

Welcome to my pad.

Is this going
to take very long?

Hey, now, what's your hurry?

Love can't be rushed .

This could be a very
special evening.

First, a little soft music,
then we dim the lights,

next, a little champagne.

I can't.

I don't know you
well enough for this.

Huh?

Oh no.

No, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute!

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

No!

We can skip the champagne!

Judy, I hope this
doesn't sound stupid

coming from your
most ardent admirer,

but I am really sorry your
marriage didn't work out.

That makes three of us--

you, me, and my mother.

I'm serious.

You deserve the best.

Well, I kind of feel i'm
doing pretty ok right now.

Oh.

I'd better be running along.

So early?

We dock in puerto
vallarta tomorrow.

I still haven't organized the
shore excursions thanks to you.

On a more serious
note, thanks to you.

Bye.

Bye.

You know, Carol, I find your
friend Ellen very annoying.

Remember, she's the one who
makes your favorite brownies.

Her brownies are perfection.

Her attitude is not.

Why?

Just because she offered me an
interesting, challenging job?

Of course not.

Besides, there's no way
you're going to take it.

Well, Marvin,
I've been thinking.

I really would like to
have some kind of career.

Not and be my wife.

Carol, as you know, I
believe there should only be

one wage earner per household.

I agree completely.

Good.

So you can be the one wage
earner in your household,

and I can be the one wage
earner in my household.

Once you get inside, just
keep your eyes open, you know.

Gopher, I'm just delivering
a beer to Mr. Morel, ok?

Right.

A perfect way to check
out his stateroom,

to find something that proves
he is not who he says he is.

Do you mind?

Oh Isaac, thanks.

Mr. Morel.

Ok, here you go, Mr. Morel.

I'll just open this
for you, all right?

Oh jeez, I'm sorry.

Let me clean this up for you.
All right?

It's all right.
- All right!

Listen, that's all right.

I'll take care of that.

Here, you take this here.

Well, I'll get you
another beer then.

No, it's no problem.

It's no problem
at all to just--

really, it's no
problem at all.

Find out anything?

Mm!

I don't know.

Of course, for such a cool
guy, he did lose his cool

when I spilled a little beer.

Aha.
You see?

Yeah.

Like maybe he had
something to hide, hm?

[Music playing]

Man (over pa): Good
morning, passengers.

We are now serving our
delicious breakfast

buffet on the starlight deck.

Look, honey, why don't we
forget about my wild night

of passion and your evening
out with that Turkey

and just go back to
the way things were?

That's exactly
what I want to do.

I'll get us a table.

Ok.

I bet he was relieved
when you told him

nothing happened last night.

He sure was.

Great.

Now it's back to lovebird time.

[Laughs] I've got
a confession to make.

The only reason I agreed to
that crazy scheme of yours

is because I knew you wouldn't
be able to go through with it.

Excuse me.

Where you going?

To find another Turkey.

And this time it might
not be your Thanksgiving.

Miss-- missy!

Miss--

This is the storyboard
for our new TV campaign.

It's good.

Except--

except what?

Well--

what would you change?

Everybody uses grandmothers
to push their products.

Why don't we use a couple
of angels, and one of them

says, "they're better than
homemade, they're heavenly."

Carol, it's wonderful.

Yeah?

I like it.

And then we can
maybe come up here--

Carol?

I've decided to give
you one more chance.

One more chance
to do what, Marvin?

One more chance to forget
about this job, Carol.

One more chance to
come to your senses.

Well, thank you, Marvin,
but if you'll excuse me,

I have to get back to my work.

I don't think you
heard me, Carol.

This is your last chance, ok?

The last chance.

She heard you.

[Laughs]

Don't worry, Carol.

He may be angry now,
but he will get used

to the idea of your working.

Yeah.

Maybe he'll come around when he
realizes the fringe benefits--

all the free
brownies he can eat?

[Laughs] Well, he may love
to eat brownies, but I'll bet

he hates to eat crow.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

Morning.

Say, you're not into
shuffle board by any chance?

Judy needs another player.

Sorry.

Maybe a little later,
like 15, 20 years?

Yeah, that's what I told her.

You're both very funny.

Isaac!

Isaac, I'm telling you we've
got to warn Judy right now.

What?

That morel is a nervous
tipper and doesn't

know anything about skis?

What about that tour
of puerto vallarta.

Are we on?

All arranged.

Just the two of us?

I'm afraid so.

I tried my darndest, but
I couldn't find anybody

else who wanted to tag along.

I have to go to work.
- Oh.

See you later.

Ok.

Judy!

Judy, we got to talk.

Ah, guys, I'm really pressed--

ok, real quick.

Real quick.

Your friend morel--

gopher doesn't think
he is who he says he is.

Oh?

Ok, one, I have
seen this guy before.

I don't know where I've seen him
before, but I'll tell you this,

it's got nothing to
do with fun and games.

Two, this guy knows zip
about sporting goods.

Three, I like you dearly,
fellas, but this time

you are way out of line.

Judy, you don't believe him?

Us?

Whatever it is you're
insinuating about Mike,

well, my female instincts
tell me you are both wrong.

Female instincts.

How come nobody ever says
anything about male instincts?

Woman (over pa):
Buenos dias, ladies

and gentlemen, and welcome
to gorgeous puerto vallarta.

From the mariachis on
mismaloya beach to the vendors

on the quaint
cobblestone streets,

you'll enjoy the charm
and flavor of old Mexico.

I hope you enjoy it as much
as I know I'm going to.

Bien tiempo.

Hey, Lester.

Hey, what's shaking, ace?

Oh, not much.

How'd your date go last night?

[Laughs] Oh, like
they always do.

You going to see her again?

I don't know.

No, it might not be fair to
the other girls on the ship.

You know, I'm thinking
maybe I should spread

myself around a little bit.

Oh yeah.

Lester.

Can I see you again tonight?

I don't know.

Please?

It's important to me.

Ok, ok, just don't grovel.

Thank you.

I'll come my your cabin.

Yeah, well now, if I'm asleep,
just make yourself comfortable

till I wake up.

I don't know what
you've got, pal.

Stick around kid--

might be contagious.

Marvin, I'm going up
on deck to meet Ellen.

I'll see you later.

Carol, you look
just beautiful today.

Thank you, Marvin.

That's two days I've
looked beautiful.

The last day you told me
that was 10 years ago.

Carol, that is unfair.

I may be a demonstrative
man, but you

know that I have loved you
throughout our entire marriage.

I guess you have.

It's just that you've saved all
your emotion for discovering

pits in pitless prunes.

That's my job.

I know it is.

And now, I'm going up to
talk to Ellen about my job.

Carol, before you get
involved with her company,

let me just read you part of
the script for my next show.

The only ingredient in
Mrs. Brown's brownies

that is worth the
outrageous price

is the red ribbon that is
used to fancy up the box.

My tests show that it
is 100% genuine ribbon.

Everything else in Mrs. Brown's
brownies is the cheapest.

I told Ellen you were
critical, but honest.

You know what, Marvin?

You have become
one of the products

that you are always
warning people against.

Man (over pa): All
visitors to shore please.

We sail in 15 minutes.

I had a wonderful
time, a marvelous time.

But you should
have a good time.

You're the social director.

Well, I've been more
social this afternoon than I

have in a long, long time.

Can I meet you
somewhere later?

Anywhere.

Let's make it everywhere!

[Laughs]

Judy?

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Take a look at that.

I told you I
recognized your friend.

See, Mike morel is
actually Sam Paris.

He's the biggest crime
boss on the west coast.

But it can't be Mike.

Picture doesn't lie, Judy.

But it says Sam
Paris is in jail.

But he could have
posted bail and skipped

town under an assumed name.

I think we'd better tell the
captain about this, don't you?

Yeah.

Ok, well, why don't you get
changed, and I'll go get Isaac,

and we'll go see the captain.

I'm sorry about this, Judy.

Not any sorrier than I am.

Captain stubing (over
pa): Ladies and gentlemen,

we are now leaving puerto
vallarta for our home

port of San Pedro, California.

But you can still enjoy
a glorious evening

of our famous pacific Princess
wining and dining and dancing.

Carol!

I made the changes
you suggested--

pure genius.

Thanks.

I'm glad you liked
the idea, because i'm

afraid it was my last one.

What?

Well, at first, going
to work sounded like fun.

But I think I enjoy
my life the way it is.

How can you enjoy living
with a consumer advocate

husband who knows everything?

The only thing he doesn't know
is how poorly packaged he is.

Marvin's all right.

Something's happened.

What?

Well, I guess I should
have told you this earlier.

Marvin read me the
script for his next show.

If I take this job, he will tear
your brownies apart on the air.

Well, that certainly
would hurt sales.

Yeah.

We can't let him
roll over both of us.

No.

I still want you
to take the job.

All right, Ellen.

If you're willing to go
through this, So am I.

Great.

And if Marvin
doesn't like it, I'll

just tell him that's the
way the brownie crumbles.

That's right.

Sam Paris.

I see.

Well, thank you for the
information, lieutenant.

Well?

Gopher and Isaac were right.

He jumped bail three days ago.

Just in time to
get on the ship.

Well, maybe Mike
can explain all this.

Judy, he is not Mike.

He is Sam Paris.

And Sam Paris
doesn't explain things

to people, he kills them.

[Music playing]

What a dummy I was, joking
about my stupid affair,

and then kidding missy because
she couldn't go through

with her affair with Lester.

Try to calm down, Jack,
you're wearing out the deck.

But doc, right
now he's probably

getting ready to
make his big move,

plying her with champagne.

Relax.

There's many a slip between
the cup and the hip--

and the lip.

I mean the lip, and the lip.

[Gargling]

Sleeping beauty,
here comes your prince.

There she is, 100 years she's
been waiting for his kiss.

The prince puckers up--

sleeping beauty puckers up.

I can't do it!

I'm married!

What?

Prince didn't quite get that.

I said I'm married.

My husband had an affair, and
so I was going to have one, too.

You've been using
me as a sex object?

I'll kill him!

Jack, wait!

We weren't doing anything!

Right.

You were in bed together and
you weren't doing anything.

I'll strangle him!

Lester: No, stop.
No, no, no.

Stop.
Stop, please!

Just give me a
minute to explain.

Jack: All right.

You've got one minute.

Now, you're wife, no,
we, no, nothing did--

not tonight, not last night.

He's right, Jack.

I tried, but I just
couldn't go through with it.

I guess I love you too much.

I love you, too.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

Well, I'm glad
you didn't hurt me.

It's been very interesting
talking to you, Mr. Cooperman.

I'm sorry to take up so
much of your time, captain.

I guess I just wanted
to talk man to man

with someone about my problem.

And for that, I thank you.

Mr. Cooperman?

I'm just one man.

Perhaps you should present
your findings to the people.

How?

Well, you're a consumer
advocate, a man who prides

himself on dealing with products
in a direct and truthful

manner, right?

Well, yes.

Then let me offer
you a platform.

I can make the acapulco
lounge available to you,

and you can present
your case there.

I accept.

Ok.
You're sure you'll be all right?

We'll take turns standing
outside your cabin.

We'll stand right here.

We'll be right here
with you all night.

Fellas!

Fellas, fellas, you're
sweet, but I'll be ok.

Ok.

All right.

Whatever you say.

You'll be careful?

Careful.

- Promise?
- Promise.

Ok, fine.

I looked all over
the ship for you.

I figured this is
one place you'd have

to come to sooner or later.

Oh, Mike.

I'd love to stay
and talk to you,

but I just remembered I
left my purse in the lounge.

Judy!

Stop!

Judy!

Judy, wait!

Judy!

[Music playing]

Excuse me.

[Applause]

Ladies and gentlemen?

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce

a famous television personality
who's been sailing with us.

He's standing right over there.

Marvin cooperman, the
man who tells us--

all: Don't get mad, get even!

[Applause]

I believe Mr.
cooperman has something

he'd like to share with us.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I didn't come aboard

to do my show,
however, I would like

to talk to you about a product
that you've come to trust

and rely on.

And that trust
has been betrayed.

Marvin, please.

And I'm afraid that
defective product is--

me.

I just want you people to know
that this lady, my lovely wife,

is my quality control.

She's pointed out the
defects in my design,

and showed me where I had
to remodel my thinking.

And thanks to her, you're
looking at the new and improved

Marvin cooperman.

And I'd also like to announce
that my wife is going to work

for our good friend Ellen
brown as the new vice

president of the
company that makes

the greatest taste
delight in the world, Mrs.

Brown's brownies.

[Applause]

Let's have a toast to my
two favorite career women,

my lovely wife and our good
friend miss Ellen brown,

the most wonderful
baker in the world.

May your business be as
sweet as your brownies.

Ah.

Marvin, what did
you pay for this?

They must have
seen you coming.

Only a sucker would buy this.

You must be kidding.

Well, look at the contents--

50% grape, 50% polyester.

Oh, um-- yeah.

Ha, ha, ha.

Let's not badmouth the ship.

It's been a great cruise.

Judy.

[Screams] What do you want?

I know who you are.
No!

Don't!

Judy, will you
please open your eyes?

F b I. You're with the FBI?

That's all I've been
trying to tell you.

The name is Jeff, Jeff Peterson.

But-but-but you were in that
magazine, in the pictures,

with the handcuffs.

It was you.

Right.

Yeah.

Sam Paris, the crime boss.

Oh, for the--

Judy, no wonder you
were so frightened.

I was working undercover.

The guy in the
white suit was me.

The other one was Paris.

I was the agent
who arrested him.

Oh, Mike!

I mean Jeff.

Ok, Paris, the show's over.

Let her go!

I warned you, I have
a brown belt in karate!

Ha!

Right!

Take him!

No, no, no!

Isaac, gopher,
he's with the FBI.

He's the one who arrested Paris.

Right.

Sure.

What's he doing on a cruise to
Mexico under an assumed name?

Very simple.

Apparently there's a
contract on my life,

and my superiors
thought it would

be better if I was out of town
until Paris goes to trial.

That's reasonable.

Nice wallet.

Come on, I'll
get the shoe horn.

Shoe horn?

Yeah, we're going to
need something to pry

your foot out of your mouth.

Speaking of mouths--

[Music playing]

Now, missy and
Jack, I want you two

to go off and live
happily ever after,

and that's doctor's orders.

Goodbye, doc.

Thanks, doc.

Bye.

Yeah, all right.

Well, goodbye, Lester.

Listen, I'll put your picture in
the ship's brochure to attract

the women passengers.

Not a good idea.

You'll wind up having
to get a bigger ship.

My prince.

Any time.

No I'm kidding.

I'm just kidding.

Missy: Bye.

Bye bye.

Tough being a sex symbol.

She didn't even look at you.

Please thank your boss
for offering me the lounge

to talk about my product.

Oh, well, thank you.

All the passengers loved
it, especially the part

where you kissed Mrs. Cooperman.

That was my favorite part.

My favorite part was getting
a new partner and an endorsement

from one of the country's
leading consumer advocates.

The leading consumer advocate.

It's humor.

Jeff, I trust the call from
Washington was good news?

Yes, thanks.

The San Diego
office picked up Sam

Paris trying to make it into
Mexico under an assumed name.

Ah.

Where have I
heard that before?

Uh, from me, I think.

From you, we know.

They say a sailor has
a girl in every port.

How about you girls?

Not me.

At least no boys in this port.

Then I can see you again?

That would be lovely.

Goodbye, captain.

Goodbye, Jeff.

Gopher, captain,
Isaac, so long.

[Theme music]