Original subtitles

[Theme music playing]

Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat, soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat, promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

Gloria!

[Gasp] Adam.

Gloria.

Oh, Adam.

[Clearing throat]

Nice to meet you.

Mm.

Oh, Adam.

I can tell we're going to have a fun, fun, fun cruise.

Oh, you bet we are.

What do you say we go to your cabin

and see what exciting colors it's been decorated in?

Oh.

Ok.

Dr. Bricker?

Yes?

I'm hal williston.

I am engaged to Samantha, your ex-wife.

Oh, great.

Congratulations.

Samantha is a lovely woman.

Be sure to send me a wedding invitation so I know when

to stop the alimony payments.

Oh, doctor, the reason I came on a cruise was to study you.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, you see, Samantha always speak so glowingly of you.

She says I'm not quite as thoughtful as you

or as sophisticated as you or as witty as you.

I'll say one thing about Samantha.

She was always a very honest woman.

Hal williston: I don't like to be second best.

So I've come to see how you do it.

I want to be perfect, like you.

Judy.

[Laughs]

Beth.

Oh.

It has been ages.

Mhm.

Well, I haven't seen any of the hometown group in so long.

But I miss you.

Oh, I've missed you, too.

[Laughing]

So where's bill?

Hey, he better board soon.

We'll be sailing without him.

We are sailing without him.

Bill and I got a divorce.

A divorce?

Oh, I can't believe it.

You were the perfect couple.

That's what I thought about you and John.

Yeah.

But it's still a shock.

I would have bet on your marriage.

You would have lost.

[Laughing]

Hi.

I hope I'm not intruding.

But I felt that I had to introduce myself to the two

loveliest ladies on the ship.

Well, the one you're not looking at is Judy McCoy.

And this is Beth Reed.

Could I interest you in dinner this evening?

I usually like the slow, romantic approach.

But I've been told that one has to work fast on cruises.

No, thanks.

I'm not on this cruise so somebody can work fast on me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be--

Beth.

Beth.

It's hard to get back into the dating game.

I know.

But if there's anything I can do, I get off in an hour.

We could have dinner.

Judy, thanks.

But you know, all divorces aren't the same.

I take it by that unmistakable air of command

that you, sir, are the captain.

Well, yes.

I'm captain merrill stubing.

And this is my daughter, Vicki.

David Blake and my niece, Paula.

His favorite niece, Paula.

Hello.

Mr. Blake, you are on the promenade deck in

adjoining cabins 342 and 344.

Oh, and the champagne that you ordered is chilled and waiting.

Oh, something special to celebrate?

It's not every man who's niece graduated top of the class

from Harvard law school.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

And thank him, too--

uncle David paid for it.

What a nice uncle.

The nicest.

That's so true.

And there are so few of us left.

Come along.

Let's go hang up your [inaudible]..

Maybe we'll get some business on board.

Fantastic. All right.

Here we go.

I think I see someone I know.

Flash those pearlies!

I'll be right back.

Hello.

Hi.

Uh, now that we know each other so well,

could we meet later for a cocktail?

[Laughing]

Thanks.

But I'm with my uncle.

And I'm planning to spend most of my time

getting reacquainted with him.

Well, if that's your uncle, I might still be in luck--

looks like he's made plans of his own.

Eleanor Cartwright.

No.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

The likeness is amazing--

same classic beauty, daring style.

How flattering.

There is no Eleanor Cartwright, is there?

There must be one somewhere in the world.

Nice try.

Thank you, ace.

Oh, my pleasure.

Thank you, ace.

Right.

Uh.

[Ship horn]

[Cheering]

[Background voices]

[Laughter]

Oh, isn't my Adam funny?

As Samantha always said, Adam bricker is very funny.

And apparently, he has just said something very, very funny

at 11:27 am.

Would you mind repeating that very,

very funny thing you just said so that I can analyze it later?

And then I can become very, very funny, too.

Well, I just say that i--

it wasn't really that funny.

Samantha always said he was modest.

She's always telling me, considering

he was the wittiest man I ever met,

it's even more amazing that he was also the most modest--

some dynamite combination, hey, Isaac?

I'll say.

Can I have a screwdriver, Isaac?

Oh, sure.

Care for another one, Adam?

Oh, no, thank you.

This is only orange juice.

Hold it.

Ah.

Of course.

It should be orange juice, refreshing yet sophisticated.

Make that orange juice, Isaac, just like the master's.

Oh, I love dating a man who knows just the right drink

to order at 11:29 am.

Uncle David.

Oh.

It's beautiful!

I thought you were at the pool.

I forgot my suntan lotion.

Oh, it's exquisite.

You shouldn't have.

I didn't.

It isn't a gift for you.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Wait a minute.

This looks exactly like the one that lady was wearing,

the one you were talking to you last night.

It is exactly like hers, because that's the one

she's going to be wearing.

What do you mean?

I'm switching that phony one for the real one.

Paula, it's time I told you the facts of life.

I'm not a wealthy entrepreneur.

I'm a wealthy Jewel thief.

I don't believe it.

You're teasing.

No, it's true.

You mean I've been educated with corrupt money?

Absolutely not-- that money came from a very

reputable and ethical fence.

But there's good news.

I'm planning to retire after I've

acquired the Parker diamonds.

Uncle David, no--

for heaven's sake, quit now.

Can't.

I made up my mind.

I want that necklace.

And I'm going to get it.

Your uncle's a man of principle.

Hi.

Hello.

I'd really like to apologize.

I didn't mean to come on to you so strong earlier.

It was just a natural reaction to a beautiful woman.

Well, thanks.

You really are persistent.

Persistent enough to talk you into having dinner with me?

Uh, I appreciate the offer, but--

no?

I'm sorry.

Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.

But uncle David, what about me?

If you get caught, it will be in all the papers and on TV.

What law firm would hire the niece of a common criminal?

Common?

You consider your uncle common?

All right, then--

professional criminal.

That's better.

That has a classier ring to it.

I don't think any law firm would hold

the sins of a nefarious uncle against a

brilliant and attractive niece.

Just one thing--

promise me you won't go after that necklace.

Would you believe a promise made

by a professional criminal?

Uncle David.

Uncle David.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

I'm Andy Brooks.

How do you do?

Very well, thank you.

I'm an ardent admirer of your niece.

Oh.

You have good taste.

Look, why don't you-- you two sit down there together

and have a drink.

Thank you.

Two ginger ales, please.

Uncle David, we have to finish discussing--

no, no, later, honey--

an ardent admirer of mine appears on the horizon.

Excuse me, kind lady.

You're sure you're not Eleanor Cartwright?

No.

I'm still not Eleanor Cartwright.

Don't you have any other approaches?

Yes, but they're not so much.

If I were you, i'd go with this one.

Permit me to introduce ourselves--

David Blake, Martha Parker.

You do know my name.

How else could I have planned our convivial seating

arrangement for dinner tonight?

Ha.

[Chuckle]

[Knocking]

Who is it?

[Knocking]

Dinner?

Somehow I had a feeling it was you.

Well, if one red Rose wouldn't convince,

I was hoping a dozen might do the trick.

Look, I really don't think--

two dozen?

[Laughs]

Announcer: Dinner is now being serviced

in the coral dining room.

It's French night.

Enjoy cuisine ranging from coquilles

St. Jacques to crepes suzette.

Where's Adam tonight?

Our doctor is exactly where he wants to be.

Yeah.

He's moving in on a beautiful lady, sir.

Mm.

She is beautiful.

Yeah, if you like beautiful women.

Guess we'll have to tell him about it

when he comes out of his trance.

Would you like to go dancing after dinner?

I'd like to do anything you like, Adam.

[Giggle]

Doc.

I know that this is a very romantic

evening for you and Gloria.

So I'd like you to have this wine, with my compliments.

I've already opened it so that it could breathe.

Isaac, thank you--

my favorite wine.

Hold it!

Adam's favorite, huh?

Let me see that label.

I never know what to order.

Adam's favorite wine is a cabernet sauvignon.

Thank you.

[Glasses clinking]

He swills wine clockwise.

Counter-- that's counter clockwise.

Counter-- that's counter clockwise.

Now he's reversing the twirl.

He's twirling it the other way.

Adam bricker is truly the sophisticate of sophisticates.

He Noel coward look like a ditch digger.

Mm.

Now that's my favorite, too.

Cheers.

Here I am with the most beautiful woman on the ship.

I can't believe you're traveling alone.

Oh, I'm recently divorced.

Sorry.

Do you have any children?

Just one-- my ex-husband.

[Laughs] All men aren't children, Beth.

You've got to give some of us a chance.

I don't have to give any of you anything.

It's interesting how bright, charming, and intelligent

people find each other.

Thank you.

I think I've just been promoted.

I think we all have.

[Laughter]

Martha, that's a stunning necklace.

But I'd be afraid to wear anything that valuable.

I'd put it right in the ship's safe.

Well, safes get robbed, too, you know?

Besides, I bought it to wear and enjoy.

What a refreshing thought.

Thank you.

Might I suggest that when you're not wearing it,

you find a good place in your state room to hide it--

maybe your bedroom slippers?

I feel perfectly safe with it under my pillow.

Under your pillow?

That's not a bad hiding place either.

What do you think you're doing?

Samantha loves to dance.

She says you're a smooth dancer.

Tell me if I got it right.

I think I got your break down.

Ah!

But your lift is really tricky.

Oh!

I think I got it!

Let me try it one more time, huh?

Ah.

Help.

Paula, do you believe in love at first sight?

No.

Do you?

No.

Let's get out in the moonlight and take a second look

at each other, should we?

I have to take care of something first.

Change partners?

Oh.

Uncle David, please forget about that necklace.

The last time is always the time you get caught.

You don't need the money.

And even if you do, I'll be working soon.

And I'll support you for a change.

Oh.

I'll think about it.

I always wanted to be a kept man.

It was mean of you to tell hal you had to go treat

a passenger with chicken pox.

You notice I didn't tell him I had chicken pox?

Otherwise, he'd have gotten a case

just so he could be like me.

Oh.

There's nobody like you, Adam.

I'd like to think not, at least not in our century.

[Applause]

Bravo, Adam, bravo!

Samantha said you were an old smoothie, and are you ever?

There's no one like you, Adam.

Wow.

I like to think not, at least not in our century.

Excuse me.

Would your mind?

Oh.

I'm sorry, Adam.

I-- I'm so impressed with your moves,

I guess I got carried away.

Please forgive me.

Well, I'll leave you two alone.

Thank you.

Samantha's going to love it when

she sees the new me with my new Adam bricker smoothie approach.

Thanks a million, master.

Well, shall we pick up where we left off?

Oh, yes.

Let's do that.

[Muttering]

What?

I think hal put his hand behind my neck.

I was kissing Martha good night.

I see you didn't want to leave any fingerprints on her.

Were you kissing her goodnight, or was she

kissing her necklace goodbye?

Can't think why I didn't send you to a law

school that takes eight years.

I'm sorry if I was a little, oh, edgy earlier.

I really have enjoyed the evening.

And I have enjoyed you.

You know, Joe, it's getting a little late.

[Laughs]

Not too late for this.

Please don't

it was just a goodnight kiss.

Well, maybe I didn't want a goodnight kiss.

Don't I have any say in the matter?

Beth, I'm sorry.

I thought it'd be all right.

Would you just please leave?

Now!

[Softly crying]

Beth, I saw that.

I'm sorry.

I don't care.

Look, a lot of women have been through what

you've been through.

I was bitter after my divorce, too.

How do you know how I feel?

You're right.

I don't know how you feel.

I didn't get my divorce for the same reason that you did.

Look, if you need to talk, I'm still your friend.

I'm a real good listener.

[Softly crying] Oh.

Bill didn't divorce me because he didn't love me anymore.

He divorced me because he couldn't deal with the fact

that I'd been with another man.

Another man?

Beth, I know you.

I can't believe you had an affair.

I didn't.

I was raped.

[Crying]

Oh, Beth, honey.

[Crying]

Announcer: Attention, please.

Our delicious breakfast buffet is now being

served on the starlight deck.

Do we have to have breakfast out here on deck?

Oh, no.

You think maybe we could go to my cabin.

Mhm.

And

have breakfast?

Maybe just coffee and a roll.

I love rolls.

Hi.

Mind if I join you?

Oh, of course not--

sit down.

Oh, actually, hal, I have something

I want to talk to Gloria about.

Excuse me.

I'm sure you understand.

Of course I understand, Adam.

Good.

Yeah.

That's another compliment Samantha always paid you.

She said that you always seem polite, even when you were

doing something really, really rude,

like telling me to get lost.

Oh, you're really something.

Isn't he?

I'll never stop learning from you.

Just dismissed me [inaudible].

So may we go to your cabin?

You were a little rude, Adam.

Oh, I didn't mean to be.

But we can certainly talk about that later.

No, Adam--

I want to talk about it now.

Oh, Beth, you must been through hell.

The rape was just the start.

I thought if I could get bill to help me that somehow,

I would get over all the--

the rage and the humiliation.

I hadn't planned on my marriage falling apart.

What happened?

Suddenly bill, he just couldn't make love to me,

couldn't touch me.

We couldn't even talk about it.

Do you know, we just became strangers.

It must've been hard on him, too.

Well, maybe so, but all I know is that the one man

in this world that I trusted, he wasn't there when I needed him.

He wouldn't even go to the rape treatment center with me.

I'm sure what bill did is not typical of all husbands.

You know, you shouldn't take it out on Joe.

Not all men are going to let you down.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Morning.

Morning, captain.

- Yes, won't you join us? - Yes, of course.

Oh, no thank you, please.

I was just telling my father about the beautiful necklace

you were wearing last night.

Thank you.

My niece begged her to put it in the safe.

Well, perhaps you'd like my purser to take it.

Oh, no, that's not necessary.

No one's stolen it yet.

As you wish.

Goodbye. - Goodbye.

We'll see you later.

By the way, I had a dream about you last night, David.

Oh?

Yes.

I was asleep in bed.

And you came into my cabin.

And you tiptoed across the room.

And then you bent down.

And?

And you kissed me.

And then you turned out the light and left.

In my dream, I put out the light and didn't leave.

You know, I like to explain about last night.

It's ok.

I've been coming on a bit strong.

No. No.

It was not your fault, Joe.

Ever since my divorce, i--

I just haven't been able to deal with men that well.

Maybe we can start over and take it slowly this time.

Yeah.

I'd like that.

I was planning on taking a tour of acapulco when we dock.

Hm?

I'd like that, too, as long as you don't

mind touring with the tourist.

[Laughs] Deal.

Deal.

Gopher (on loudspeaker): Buenos dias, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to amazing acapulco, where

you can enjoy everything from windsurfing to a horseback

ride on a secluded beach.

Whatever you enjoy, there's an adventure

awaiting you in acapulco.

Gloria, when I get home, I really

want to impress Samantha.

I want to be exactly like Adam.

So tell me-- does he kiss with his eyes open or closed?

I don't know.

I always had my eyes closed.

I know the answer.

I kiss with my eyes closed.

However, I punch with my eyes open.

[Clears throat] How can you talk like that to hal,

who respects you so?

I'm sorry.

Adam, you have a terrible temper.

As a matter of fact, Adam bricker

has the most fantastic, terrible temper I've ever seen.

Samantha, you gave up a prince.

[Laughter]

[Singing in Spanish]

Meet you for a drink in an hour?

Oh, I can make it in 45 minutes.

Oh, that's even better.

[Shaking maracas]

Go away.

[Laughs]

Beth.

Oh, Judy, you were right.

I had the most wonderful day with Joe.

Oh, good.

I'm so happy!

Did you tell him?

Yeah.

After I relaxed.

[Giggle] Oh, he's just so easy to talk to you.

I mean, I never knew anybody could

be so understanding and compassionate.

Oh, listen to me.

I think I'm falling in love all over again.

Great!

Now maybe you can give me lists.

Oh, well, absolutely.

Yeah.

[Knocking]

Come in.

Hi, Andy.

I think you've come to the wrong cabin.

Paula is next door.

David, I mentioned to you and Paula that I was a stockbroker,

I know.

But I like you anyway.

Thank you.

But the truth is, I'm an insurance investigator.

Oh, sounds like a dull job.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

David, this is going to be very unpleasant for me, feeling

the way that I do about Paula.

I know you have the Parker necklace.

I haven't the vaguest idea what you're talking about.

Besides, I've just been with Mrs. Parker.

And she didn't mention that she was missing any diamonds.

Then she doesn't know about the switch, does she?

I've been tailing you for a long time, David.

I followed you onto the ship.

We know your modus operandi.

We know that you made a fake one.

And I know that the necklace is right here in this stateroom.

Ridiculous.

Ridiculous? All right.

I'll call the captain.

We'll tear this stateroom apart until we find it.

Hold it.

I hate a messy room.

It's nice to be caught by, uh, somebody I like.

You'll be taken into custody when we

get back to the United States.

Hey.

Hey.

What happened to the girl I spent the day in acapulco with?

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I just sort of drift off and think back.

About what happened to you?

Hm.

Oh, it must have been a horrible experience.

It was.

It was terrifying.

I still can't walk down the streets alone

anymore without hearing footsteps behind me

and freezing inside because I don't know what could happen.

I can't even answer my apartment door,

because I'm afraid of what might be waiting there.

Mind you, I try to stop thinking about it.

But I just can't.

Let me help you.

I want you to know that I'll be there whenever you need me.

Thanks, Joe.

Lord knows I'm going to need a shoulder to lean on

and get me through that trial.

What trial?

I told you.

They caught the man that attacked me.

I have to testify when I go back.

You didn't mention anything about testifying.

Do you think you can handle that, I mean, getting

up in front of all of those people,

telling every little detail?

Haven't you been through enough?

Do you know what they do to witnesses?

Some smart aleck defense attorney

is going to drag every love affair

you've had through the mud.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's not admissible in court anymore.

Besides, I have nothing to hide.

Oh, but Beth, think of the embarrassment, the humiliation,

how vulnerable you're going to be.

No, wait. Wait.

You know I think?

I think you're the one that's worried about being humiliated.

You men really are alike.

Captain stubing (On loudspeaker):

Ladies and gentlemen, we hope you

had a fabulous day at acapulco.

Now it's time for a fabulous night on the pacific Princess

as we set sail for home.

Dining, dancing, and dazzling stars in the sky

are all included in the price of your cruise.

So be sure to get your money's worth.

[Elevator ding]

Doc, if you really want to make your move on Gloria,

all I have to do is invite hal up

to the Neptune bar for a drink.

Oh, thanks, goph.

But I made it pretty clear to hal he'd be well advised

to stay away from me tonight.

Now all I've got to do is kiss and make up with Gloria.

I just happen to have the key she gave me to her cabin.

Good luck, sailor.

Oh, luck has nothing to do with it.

But um, maybe I'll pick up some wine and flowers.

[Piano music playing]

I'll see you later.

Now wait a minute, Paula.

I really do love you.

I've got an idea.

What kind of an idea?

It's very simple.

I'm letting David go.

Uh.

Thank you.

I always knew there were qualities about you I admired.

Won't you get into trouble with your insurance company?

No.

I haven't reported anything to them yet.

Even Martha doesn't know it was stolen.

So I can get it back to her without saying who took it.

But you listen closely.

I'm putting you in Paula's custody.

If you pull another job ever, you're both going to prison.

There's no problem.

I've retired.

Oh, Andy.

I do love you for this.

I'd kiss you myself.

But people would talk.

Hi, David.

How about a ginger ale?

Hi, Judy.

Hi.

I guess, um, Beth told you what happened.

See, I'd rather not talk about it.

Why not?

Because you are a passenger.

And as cruise director, I'm supposed

to be polite to passengers.

You've got to understand my point of view.

I understand Beth's point of view.

And as to your point of view, well, I

would give more to the woman I was supposed to love.

Excuse me.

Sweetheart, it's the master, bearing gifts of apology.

[Giggling]

Gloria!

Oh!

Oh, Adam.

I'm so glad you dropped by.

I wanted to talk to you about something.

Talk to me about something?

Whatever about?

By any chance is that the something

you wanted to talk to me about?

Oh, well, he's one of the somethings, Adam.

But I also wanted to say that, uh, [clears throat] I

like you very much.

Thank you.

And uh, but you're just too perfect for me.

I need somebody like him, a bumbler.

But Gloria, you've got me all wrong.

The only reason you think I'm perfect

is because he kept saying that Samantha said I was perfect.

Samantha did say you were perfect.

Gloria, don't pay any attention to him.

I'm not perfect at all.

You saw me out there on the starlight deck,

screaming angrily into his tape recorder.

What's perfect about losing your temper like that?

Well, now, Adam, perhaps you weren't perfect

on that particular occasion.

But even then, you were being imperfect

in a perfect sort of a way.

You know, that, that sort of sophistication and ability

to turn frustration to your own advantage

would just be impossible to live with.

You're probably right.

I brought these for you.

Oh, thank you, Adam.

They're beautiful.

Well, I guess this is goodbye, Gloria.

Goodbye, Adam.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, hal.

Bye.

You look lovelier than ever tonight, Gloria.

It's times like this I wish I weren't quite so perfect.

[Door closing]

That was for your academy award

winning performance in front of uncle David.

Well, I had a great director.

I wasn't sure it was going to work.

It took some great acting on your part

to convince a man as sharp as uncle David

that you were an investigator.

Well, thanks.

But when he finds out that I'm really a stockbroker

and we framed him, he's going to kill us.

You're right.

I think we should tell him the truth, right after the wedding.

After the wedding?

Who's wedding?

Well, ours.

Who could be mad at a bride and groom?

Not long ago, I read an article in the paper.

An old man, in broad daylight, was robbed at knife point.

At least 20 people saw it and did nothing to help.

So?

I remember how incensed I was.

Those people turned their backs on that old man

while he was being attacked.

I'm so ashamed of myself, Beth.

I did the same thing to you, only it was worse.

I didn't turn my back on a stranger.

I turned my back on someone I care about.

And you do understand.

I love you, Beth.

You know, you're the one with the real strength.

But if it'll be of any help, I'll be at your side.

And during the trial.

Every day of my life if you'll let me.

- Well, goodbye. - Oh, goodbye.

Goodbye, captain.

Thank you very much.

It was nice having you with us.

Thank you.

And I still love your necklace even in the daytime.

Well, I think I found the safest place for it.

We all had a wonderful time.

Exciting is more like it.

Well, wonderful and exciting times are our specialty.

Tell us, Andy, who was the Jewel thief?

You have the necklace back.

What's the difference?

It could have been anyone, even me.

[Laughs]

Oh, Beth, it is so nice to see you happy again.

I am.

Thanks.

Thanks for everything.

And you-- you better make sure she stays that way.

Oh, we'll invite you over every anniversary

so you can see for yourself.

- Goodbye. - Take care.

See ya.

Oh.

Goodbye, Adam.

Goodbye, Gloria.

What a guy--

lost his girl to a man way beneath him.

And still, he shows class.

Will you put that thing away.

Sure.

Oh, one thing more-- will you phone Samantha

and tell her i'm getting married?

Me?

Yeah.

She says you have a winning way on the phone.

I'm beginning to think the reason Samantha thought

I was so perfect was because I was paying her alimony, which

I guess I still am.

[Weak laugh]

[Giggle]

Adam, if I know you, I'll bet you're the world's

greatest alimony payer.

Yeah.

Bye.

Well, he certainly does have a fantastic

walk, Isaac Washington.

You can tell that just by the fluid way he stands there.

Well, that is because he is indeed the master.

Right-- to the master.

All: To the master.

[Theme music]