Original subtitles

I'm really looking forward to this cruise to Alaska. I've never been there.

Oh, well, you will love it.

The scenery's spectacular.

Yeah, I'll say the scenery is spectacular.

This cruise is for ladies only.

[Laughs]

Oh, good. Isaac, you're here already.

Yeah, I brought the bubbly. What's the big occasion?

I don't know.

Dad just told me to have everybody come down here

and have you bring up some champagne.

Only one bottle?

Can't be much of a party.

Say, where's Julie?

Well, I don't know. I left a message on her machine.

She's probably on her way.

Maybe the captain is going to tell us

that the "ladies only" cruise is off.

See you next cruise.

Ah, good afternoon, everyone.

Captain, how you doing?

Merrill. What's up?

Nothing important, really.

Unless you consider it important that Julie got married.

What?

You're kidding!

She got married last night.

What, to Marty chenault?

[Stubing] Yes.

Yes. She called and told me she wanted all of us there,

but it was very spur of the moment.

However, she wrote each of us a note

and had them delivered.

Thank you.

"Dear Vicki, I don't know how I'm going to get along

without you and the rest of my family on the ship.

I miss all of you already."

Oh, I'm so happy for Julie.

-"My darling gopher--" -please. Read them later.

I don't want my office to float away in a sea of tears.

A toast!

Doc.

Thanks, Isaac.

To Julie.

[All] To Julie.

May she have as much joy as she brought to us.

Hear, hear.

Aw...

[Stubing on pa] Welcome to our cruise to Alaska for ladies only.

One of you lucky ladies will win a date

with Engelbert Humperdinck, who will join us in Juneau.

How about a shot right there? How about a shot? Hmm?

Hello. How are you?

Just fine, thank you. Hi, how are you? Nice to see you.

Hello.

Hello.

Isn't this something? Hello!

Midnight sailing. All these beautiful women.

I feel like a kid in a candy store.

What a way to get cavities, huh?

Yes.

Gentlemen.

[Gopher and ace] Sir!

This is our new cruise director, bernice Bronson.

Miss Bronson, this is our purser, burl Smith.

Nice to have you with us.

And our ship's photographer, ace Evans.

Hi.

Gopher, why don't you show miss Bronson the ropes?

I'll see you a little later.

Thank you, captain.

So, what would you like me to show you first, bernice?

Some respect. It's miss Bronson.

Besides, I've been doing this job for almost 20 years.

So I don't think I have much to learn from some kid

who probably has to put tissue paper in his hatband

to keep it from falling down over his ears.

Now look, lady, this is not my first day on the job.

I have been the assistant purser here for six years.

They may have brought you along too fast.

It's ace, right?

Right.

Uh-huh. I bet you're a card.

Good luck.

Captain stubing? I'm Jane Fletcher, hi.

Yes?

Fletcher travel agency.

Oh, of course. We talked on the phone.

Yes.

It's a pleasure to meet you in person.

Thank you.

This is my daughter, Vicki.

Hello, Vicki.

Hi, how do you do?

The "ladies only" cruise was Mrs. Fletcher's idea.

Yeah.

I can't believe that so many women would want to get away from men.

[Laughs] I wouldn't have believed it either at your age.

-But wait till you've been married as long as I have. -[Laughs]

I think it's great that one of these ladies will win a date with Engelbert.

Isn't it fun? And she'll be on the cover of his new album.

Engelbert will pick the winner when he joins us in Alaska.

Oh, boy, would I love to stuff the ballot box.

Harry, this is ridiculous!

Relax, Ralph.

We look just like any other woman on the cruise.

Except for those two. Harry, this is stretching friendship a little too far.

Come here. Look, Jane is on this ship, and I've got to find out what she's up to.

You always think she's up to something, and she's never been up to nothing.

Yeah, but this one is different. She arranged the whole trip.

Now you can bet there's a man involved somewhere.

There she is.

Harry, what could she be up to? This cruise is for ladies only.

Yeah, then who's that with all the gold braid, wonder woman?

May I help you, ladies?

Oh, no, thank you, deary.

We're just looking for the little girls' room.

[Giggles]

Look here, we've got ladies as far as the eye can see.

Not interested. I've got a date coming. Remember?

When you've got a girl like Emily, one is enough.

Okay, we'll take these two. Come on.

Ladies, ladies, good evening.

Oh, hi.

Hello.

What are you men doing here?

I thought this cruise was only for women.

Well, somebody's got to do the rowing.

[All laugh]

Listen, how about a photograph, huh? Gopher, ladies?

Uh, doc, come on. Doc?

Oh, no, no.

Doc, come on. Just a little photograph.

Come on. Come on.

[Women] Come on!

Big smiles.

Very close together now.

All right.

Cozy?

Nice and cozy here.

[Ace] Okay?

Oh, wait, wait, wait...

Perfect. All right, flash those pearlies!

-[Shutter clicks] -Great. Beautiful.

One more, one more.

All right.

Everybody make a face, all right?

[All chattering, laughing]

Guess who?

Uh, I give up.

Emily! Oh!

I'm so glad you're here.

[Emily] Yes.

I can see you're practicing to greet me.

Oh, I was just being nice to the passengers. It's part of my job.

You're the doctor, Adam.

Well, I have to be nice to the healthy ones too.

[Laughs]

I have a feeling this cruise is a big mistake.

Oh, no, because of that woman back there?

-No, Adam, because of all the women back there. -[Scoffs]

-The one in San Francisco? -[Scoffs]

-The one in Beverly Hills? -[Scoffs]

-The one in la jolla? -I don't see her anymore.

This cruise just isn't going to work.

Of course it will. We're going to have a wonderful time.

Now look, Emily, you're just a little tired from your trip.

Why don't you go to your cabin, have a good night's rest

and we'll talk about it in the morning, okay?

Hey, Emily, hey.

Remember that trip we took last summer?

Yeah. I was thinking about that on the plane.

Oh...

You know what?

What?

I think I will stay.

Great!

See you in the morning.

Come by early.

Oh!

Come on, doc. Let's get another picture.

No, no, no.

[All clamoring]

Doc, come on. We need you. One more.

Come on!

[Woman] We need you.

[Gopher] Please?

[Woman] Please?

All right! Oh, wait a minute. Let's switch places.

Yeah, yeah, that's a great idea.

Okay.

Come on, switch. Okay, here we go.

On this picture, I want everybody to make a face.

Here we go, one, two-- big funny faces!

One two, three!

[Shutter clicks]

[All laughing]

[Ace] That's it, okay. Let's see.

This time, why don't...

Captain stubing.

Yes?

I'm Judy McCoy, Julie's sister.

Well, if you're not, Julie has a picture of a very pretty girl

who looks just like you.

Thank you.

And speaking of pretty girls, you must be Vicki.

Yes.

Julie told me all about you.

Oh, well, Julie told me an awful lot about you.

Yes, she said that you were planning on taking this cruise to spend some time with her.

Yeah, and even though she decided to run off and get married,

I decided I'd take the cruise anyway.

-Well, I'm glad you did. -So, how was the wedding?

I'm afraid you're gonna have to ask Marty and Julie that question.

They were the only two there.

[Camera whirring]

Ready?

Yeah.

Ah! Good evening.

Good night and goodbye, gentlemen. Have a nice trip.

Ah, no. Emily, where are you going?

Tell Adam I've had second thoughts and I've decided not to take the cruise.

[Both] Why?

I'm at a different stage in life than he is.

I'm looking for just one man,

and that man has to be looking for just one woman.

Bon voyage.

Emily, wait a minute. Emily, don't leave.

Look, we can work-- Emily!

Oh, that's good, that's great.

That's only gonna throw doc for a loop.

Well, pal, who's going to break the news to him?

Well, pal, I'll tell you what we'll do. Flip for it, okay?

All righty.

You call it.

Right. Heads.

[Splashes]

It's tails. You tell him.

[Ship horn blowing]

[Gopher on pa] Ladies, welcome aboard the pacific Princess.

The first stop on our cruise to Alaska

will be beautiful Vancouver, British Columbia.

Then on to ketchikan and Juneau,

where Engelbert Humperdinck will fly in to perform for you.

Now, nighty-night and sweet dreams.

We'll see you in the morning.

Hmm... he looks like fun.

Bernice!

Judy!

What are you doing here?

[Whistles] I'm working, what do you think?

I didn't know you were the one replacing my sister.

Judy, what are you doing here? I thought you quit work and got married.

Well, I just got a divorce.

That's even better.

Now, come off it, bernice. I know you.

You're not as cynical as you try to appear.

Darling, those were the old days.

Now I am more cynical than I try to appear.

Pardon me. Can you tell me the temperature of the pool?

What do I look like, a thermometer?

It's 84 degrees.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Judy, you haven't changed.

You're being charming.

Sorry.

I don't know how we're going to tell doc that Emily has already left the ship.

I know, it's been on my mind all night long.

It's the only thing I can think about.

Hello.

Hi! Care to join us?

Oh, unfortunately we're still on duty.

Oh, unfortunately for all of us.

Of course, we could quit our jobs.

Yes, you could.

Well, back to the darkroom.

See you later.

See you.

I can't believe it.

[Harry] I can't believe my wife is playing around behind my back.

[Ralph] I've been living with your crazy jealousies for ten years now, Harry.

At your wedding, you thought she was winking at the minister.

Two years ago, you wanted to shoot Santa claus 'cause she was sitting on his lap.

Your kids have to eat dry cereal

'cause you won't let a milkman in the house.

Maybe it's me.

I guess I always felt I wasn't good enough for her.

You got a point there, Harry.

After all, what could Jane see in an average guy like me?

Not average, Harry.

Unique. After all, how many lady plumbers are there?

Now, ladies, let's discuss the red wines,

the nectar of romance.

Look at the color.

Deep, warm, red,

the color of passion.

Isaac, do you know what kind of wine Engelbert drinks?

Oh, Engelbert doesn't drink wine. He's a pop singer.

I always heard that bartenders are great wits.

It's nice to know there's an exception.

You know, you've done a wonderful job of organizing this cruise, Mrs. Fletcher.

Oh, thank you, captain.

I have been so busy, I haven't even had a chance to look around the ship.

Well, then I'll take you on the captain's tour.

I usually charge a dollar, but for travel agents, I give a 50% discount.

Okay. I'll put it on my expense account.

[Chuckles] That's funny.

Don't tell me Jane's not up to something.

Do you see her with the captain? He was all over her.

They were walking arm in arm.

Yeah, and the arm is connected to the shoulder,

and you know what the shoulder's connected to?

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Hi, doc.

Have you seen Emily?

Uh, yeah. Quite a while ago.

Where?

On the gangway.

Gangway? The gangway hasn't been down since we sailed.

That's what ace wants to talk to you about, doc.

Uh...

-Emily left. -Left?

Right.

Left. Right. Left...

Hold it. Hold it, guys. What happened?

Doc. She thought it over

and she figured it just wouldn't work out between the two of you, so...

Come on, doc. Look, we're on a beautiful cruise with beautiful women.

Yeah, but not the right one.

Ace and I will stick by you.

Yeah.

You're not the right one either. Guess Alaska's gonna be a lot colder than I thought.

[Bernice on pa] Welcome to Vancouver, ladies,

one of Canada's most sophisticated cities.

Explore fabulous Stanley park or take a gander

at the colorful boutiques and galleries in historic gastown.

And for those of you who get back in time,

dinner will be served in the coral dining room.

Captain.

Oh, Mrs. Fletcher, good evening. Over here, please.

Ms. Fletcher.

Hello, doc.

[Vicki] Hi.

Vicki.

The acapulco lounge has been set up

just the way you wanted for your pajama party.

-Oh, good. -Ooh, can I come?

Of course. It'll be fun.

We're giving prizes for the slinkiest

and the most outrageous nighties.

Well, don't start until I lock up my crew.

Don't tell me there's nothing going on with Jane and the captain.

She can't keep her hands off him.

Don't worry, Harry.

She'll get tired of him just like she did with you.

Maybe you think you belong here--

[in high-pitched voice] Oh! Well, what looks good tonight?

[High-pitched voice] Why don't you have what the captain's having?

[Giggling nervously]

[In French accent] Bon soir, mademoiselles. Permit me to recommend

for your dining pleasure tonight

the potage du pommes De terre and the salmon en croûte.

[In French accent] And for after dinner pleasure,

may I suggest the purser and the ship's photographer?

[Grunting]

Ooh la la!

That's great. We'd better eat light, Diane, and save some room.

Yes, we're going to the pajama party.

So, we'll look for you guys after that.

Uh-huh. Well, if you're gonna be wearing pajamas,

i guess we'll be doing the looking, right?

[All] Good evening.

How are you?

Hello.

Hey, doc.

Captain.

Ace and I have lined up a couple of dates for tonight

and wanted to know if you wanted to join us.

No, thanks. I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but I think I'll turn in early tonight.

Sorry, doc. We're not taking no for an answer.

Well, okay then. Yes.

We're not taking yes for an answer either.

[Groans] Just kidding.

Jane is looking right at me.

She's got a strange look on her face.

Maybe because what she's looking at is strange.

Everything all right?

Oh, yes, fine.

I, uh, saw someone I thought looked familiar.

Since your sister worked on the ship, I am putting you at the captain's table.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Yes, I did.

The captain told me to. Captain, your dinner guest.

Thank you.

Miss McCoy.

Hello.

Thank you very much, bernice.

Aren't you going to join us?

Too busy. Busy, busy, busy.

[Laughs]

-Bernice seems to be doing a very good job. -Oh, she always does.

I've known her since we worked together as cruise directors. She's helped me a lot.

Oh, that's right. I forgot. Julie told me that you were the one who taught her.

Too bad you couldn't have taught bernice a few things.

Bernice obviously knows her job or else she wouldn't have lasted as long as she has.

That's right, and I think you'll like her when you get to know her.

Yeah, like getting to know Dracula.

By the time you've established a good relationship, you don't have any blood left.

[Gopher on pa] We are now leaving Vancouver. Our next stop, ketchikan.

Don't get excited, ladies. I said "ketchikan," not "catch-a-man."

But there's still time to catch a date with Engelbert. Keep those letters coming.

[Vicki on pa] Ladies, don't forget the pajama party in the acapulco lounge tonight.

Prizes will be awarded for looking your bedtime best,

and since no men will be there,

prizes will also be awarded

for looking your bedtime worst.

[Applause]

How about these outfits, ladies, huh?

[Cheering]

[Playful booing]

Oh, boo, boo, boo yourself! And number three?

Right.

Are you married?

Yes.

Let me ask you,

what did your husband say the first time he saw you in this nightie?

[Laughs] "What are you wearing that for? I thought we were going to bed."

[All laughing]

What are we doing here, Harry?

I gotta keep an eye on Jane.

Don't worry, nobody's gonna spot us.

You're a shoo-in for the most outrageous "going to bed" prize.

My apologies. You'd come in second.

I may be crazy, but there's something about that woman I like.

Yeah, I know what you mean. You marry a woman like that,

you never have to worry about anybody trying to steal her.

Let's have a drink.

Let's have two.

Okay, thanks.

The radio room has your call through.

Now, when you speak to Emily,

I want you to lay on real thick how miserable doc is, all right?

Me? You have a better phone voice than I do.

Yeah, but you're better looking than I am.

Hi, Emily. It's gopher.

Doc's friend.

[Upbeat music playing on speakers]

Oh, hi. That gopher.

[Music stops]

How are you?

Fine.

Emily, listen, I wanna talk to you

about something very serious.

Doc is really down in the dumps.

[Chuckles] Well, if he is, there must be a woman down there with him.

No, no, this is important. Doc is really miserable.

I think maybe the best thing for you to do

would be to fly up to Alaska, meet the ship and surprise doc.

-I would, except for one thing. -What's that?

Doc.

Well, what did she say?

Well, let me put it this way. You think it's too late to reverse the charges?

You are, uh, married?

Yes.

Now, let me ask you this.

Has your husband ever seen you in this outfit at bedtime?

[Sighs] Only when I stand in front of the television set.

You're a lucky lady.

Thank you.

Jane looks really great in those pajamas, doesn't she, Harry?

Yeah. I wonder where they're going to end up.

See, Diane. We can have fun without men.

You're right.

Let's go find gopher and ace and tell them what a great time we're having.

Now, come on, let's hear it for all the ladies.

You've all been terrific sports.

And you're gonna get your prizes later.

But for now, I think you'd better

put something on before you get pneumonia.

Jane, this "ladies only" cruise is a tremendous idea.

Everybody seems to be having a great time.

Hmm.

Aren't you?

I was...

Maybe you miss your husband.

Well, when you've been married for a while,

it seems your husband is with you wherever you go.

Oh, you mean in your heart.

No. In my bathrobe.

Come on.

Okay, let's have some dancing!

How are we gonna dance with no men?

Buy yourself a pair of tap shoes.

Think not.

You don't wanna dance? Okay.

Say, bernice, how about a conga line?

A conga line? You've got to be kidding.

Okay, everybody! I've got a great idea.

We are going to have a conga!

[Conga music playing]

Okay, Polly Mae. Up, up, up, up! Let's go.

Shake your fannies off, girls.

One, two, three.

That's it.

[Laughter]

That's it. Move that. Move that Fanny. Let's go.

Good!

Come on. Swing that hip. All right.

Swing that hip, swing that hip, swing that hip.

[Ace and women laughing]

And so anyway, the little baby eskimo says,

"mommy, are you sure I'm not adopted? I'm freezing!"

Hey, doc, what's the matter? Don't you get that?

Yeah, I got it, it's funny.

You'll have to excuse doc.

He's usually the life of the party,

but tonight, he's a little depressed.

His girlfriend left him.

You poor baby.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it quite that much.

Doc's probably gonna be fine.

Yeah.

Well, of course he will.

All he needs is a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear.

Oh, you're very kind.

Come on.

Let's go for a walk, and you can tell me all about it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute! What about me? My girlfriend just left me too.

What girlfriend? When?

Just now.

Excuse me.

Boy, Isaac, you should've seen some of those ladies.

If you had, you'd never get married. Hi, gopher.

Hey, goph, having a pretty good night, huh?

Well, I did, but I'm gonna turn in. Good night.

Good night.

It hasn't been a good night for me.

Oh, Judy, thanks again for being so nice to the passengers.

-Sure! -Yeah, particularly since bernice insulted half of them.

Yeah, I guess she's gonna insult the other half tomorrow.

Boy, if she goes ashore in Alaska, by the time we sail,

we'll be back to 49 states.

-I'm gonna tell the captain. -Hey, no, no, no. Just sit.

Why don't you guys give her a chance?

You know, maybe get to know her a little better?

[Stubing] Well, well, well.

I thought this was the purser's lobby, not the crew lounge.

Sorry, sir.

If you decide to make a night of it,

I'll send some pillows and blankets.

I know why you're all huddled together.

I've seen this look before.

It's the "how are we going to get rid of bernice?" Look.

Now, bernice...

Cool it, smiles.

Do you know what this look is?

It's my "you don't have a chance in hell" look.

[Stubing on pa] Ladies, we are now traveling

through Alaska's majestic inland passage

on the way to ketchikan.

Keep a sharp lookout for Indian villages,

unspoiled inlets and virgin timber along the way.

[Geese squawking]

I hate drinking beer out of a coffee cup.

Looking for the beauty parlor?

No.

Think about it.

Hey! That lady's got a great sense of humor, Harry.

You know, I've really got eyes for her.

You ought to get your eyes examined.

Boy, what a beautiful sight!

Yeah, beautiful. She really turns me on.

Gopher, it's your own fault Bonnie ran off with doc last night.

You were the one that invited him along.

Hi, guys.

Oh, hi, Isaac.

Hey, goph, what's the matter?

I don't want to discuss it.

Hey, goph, who's been your best friend all these years?

Who's the one person who's been through all the rough times with you?

Who's the one guy you know you can always depend upon?

Okay, I'm mad at doc. He stole my girl.

Leave me out of it.

Hi, handsome.

Hi, Diane.

What was that for.

Yeah, what was that for?

Well, I just kept thinking about you all night,

how generous you were sacrificing yourself for your friend, doc.

[Gopher] Oh, well, Diane,

i just did what any other incredibly thoughtful, sensitive guy would do.

Yeah, I would have done the same thing myself.

You know, if there's one thing I admire in a man, it's generosity.

Well, in the words of a great patriot,

"I regret that I have but one woman to give to my buddy."

Gopher, you are quite a man.

Diane, when we get to ketchikan,

we are going to have the time of our lives.

Oh, that's a wonderful idea. Just the three of us.

-Hello, ladies. -Hello...

Oh, merrill!

-Ah, good afternoon, Jane. Hi. -Hi.

Merrill, I know your time must be in great demand,

but I wish you'd join me for a drink tonight and some conversation.

-It would be my pleasure. -Thank you.

You know, I'd love to show you ketchikan after we dock.

Terrific. I'd like that.

-Good! Enjoy your meal. -I will.

Well, I guess I won't be needing a nap today.

I expect to be in bed very early tonight.

Are you lucky, Harry! She didn't even know you.

[Wheezing laugh]

[Stubing on pa] Ladies, welcome to ketchikan, Alaska's southernmost city.

This quaint, boardwalk town, built on Poles,

is famous as the "salmon capital of the world."

Don't miss the picturesque waterfront section of famous totem park,

which boasts the world's largest collection of totem Poles.

Have a wonderful day.

Well, if it isn't my "buddy" who's stealing Diane away from me.

-Where is she? -Oh, she'll be right back.

She just sashayed up to her cabin to touch up her lipstick.

-Gopher, is there a rule against punching a purser? -Yes.

-There is? -I just made it up.

Emily!

-Gopher, ace. -Emily.

Thanks for the call. You reached out and touched someone.

-You know, I thought you said you weren't coming. -I did.

But after thinking about it,

I realized I wasn't being fair to Adam.

Anyway, I always wanted to see Alaska.

Great. Well, I'll just go tell doc you're here then.

-No, I'd rather surprise him. -Okay.

Gopher, I just saw Bonnie go into doc's cabin after lunch.

-We've gotta stop Emily now. -Right.

-Right. What? -Wait!

-You stop her. I'll wait here for Diane. -Right.

Oh, Bonnie, thank you for helping me through this rough time.

-You're a very understanding woman. -I'll be back.

My prescription calls for the same medication every four hours.

[Stubing] I'm sure you're going to enjoy ketchikan.

Merrill. I can't think of a better man to show me around.

Why, thank you. But first, there's a wonderful little place I want to take you to.

-Oh? -To pick up a map. I've only been here twice.

After he picks up a map, he's probably going to show her

a breathtaking view of a motel.

-Come on, let's follow them. -No way, Harry.

It's one thing running around the ship dressed like this. In town, you can get arrested.

-[Gopher] Emily! -[Ace] Emily!

You know what? I just remembered that doc is not in his cabin.

-He's-- he's, uh... -He's on the bridge.

-Bridge. -Yeah, I just saw him up there all by himself

and I have never seen him so sad.

Well, I'll wipe that sad look off his face in no time.

Great, come on.

No, listen, as long as we're this close to his cabin, let's check.

-Oh... [chuckles nervously] -I hope he's there.

I can't wait to see the look on his face when he sees me.

Neither can we.

I was hoping you'd come back, Bonnie--

-Bonnie Emily! -Bonnie Emily?

Sure, my Bonnie flew over the ocean to see me!

And coming in for a happy landing.

[Mouths] What?

[Gopher on pa] Ladies, you can still enjoy the beautiful Alaskan scenery

because this time of year, it stays light well into the evening.

And remember, when we get to Juneau,

Engelbert Humperdinck will be joining us to light up your night.

You still have time to win that date.

Hard to believe it's 10:00 at night.

Bernice, you look as fresh and beautiful as you did this morning.

Do I know you?

Ralph. Ralph dooley. Chief engineer.

Engineer, huh?

So how come you're wearing a medical insignia?

Sick of engineering.

Oh, wow, it's nice to see that somebody around here has a sense of humor.

Mm-hmm. Um...

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not with the sight that I'm looking at.

Stay in touch.

[Stubing on pa] Ladies, we are continuing our journey

through Alaska's extraordinary inland waterway,

en route to our next destination: Magnificent glacier bay.

Don't miss the breathtaking fjords, the snow-capped peaks

and the inspiring sight of a soaring eagle.

Okay, jumping rope is very good for your legs,

your lungs, your heart...

-And showing off. -[Women laugh]

Okay, that's all for today, ladies. Thank you very much.

Let me get you a drink. What would you like, darling?

Oh, anything. Anything but you and me on the rocks.

Drink up.

Hi, doc. Where have you been hiding?

It's time to resume your heart mending treatments.

Bonnie, you and I have to have a little talk.

Action speaks louder than words.

You know, Isaac, I'm glad I'm back on the cruise.

I was wrong not to trust Adam.

Well, if you can't trust your doctor, who can you trust?

Here you go.

Well, it's nice to have a doctor always on call.

I'll be back in four hours for your next treatment.

I cannot leave you alone for a minute.

-Emily-- -you're hopeless!

-It's not what you think. -I think it's lipstick.

Let's see if it's waterproof.

Oh, Emily...

Oh, that was so nice of you to arrange for me to call home. I was so upset.

I know. You were so worried about your dog, I thought it was kind of an emergency.

Well, that cruise director wouldn't pay any attention to me. She was so rude.

Do you know, I think I'm going to report her to the captain.

No, don't do that. She's not really rude. She has migraines.

She has migraines too. So does my dachshund.

But I'd love to tell him how sweet you were to me. What is your name?

-My name? -Mm-hmm.

Bernice. I'm a cruise director too.

So, if you do talk to the captain, you tell him bernice helped you.

I'm certainly gonna do that. And thank you so much again.

-You're welcome. -Bye-bye.

[Chuckles] This has been a marvelous day.

They've all been marvelous days, merrill, since I met you.

The lunches in town, the sightseeing tours of the city.

And here we are, still together.

-I hope I haven't tired you out. -Oh, on the contrary, my dear.

I am filled with wild abandon tonight.

-What did she say? -She said she feels wild and abandoned.

You're a very attractive man, merrill.

Very... desirable.

Why, uh, thank you. Thank you very much, Jane.

You're a nice person yourself.

What did they say?

She said he's attractive and desirable.

He likes her too.

-That's it. -Wait. She's getting to the good part.

Mrs. Fletcher, you're a married woman.

[Jane] Mm, merrill,

where I come from, people never lock their doors,

not even at night.

-She said... -That, I heard.

Oh, my. It's later than I thought. I have to get to my bridge.

Oh, I love a man who's in control. I'll walk with you.

-That dirty... -Take it easy.

What can they do on the bridge? It's pitch dark up there.

[Stubing on pa] Ladies, we are now cruising through Alaska's famous glacier bay,

one of the most spectacular sights in the world.

On both sides of the bay are the St. Elias mountains

from which mammoth glaciers 20 stories high

shed sheets of ice into deep frigid fjords.

You know, bernice, the whole crew thinks you don't like them.

Especially Vicki. She's very upset.

Vicki, the captain's brat? Little miss sweet? I like her.

[Scoffs] If you like somebody, why don't you tell them?

If you tell somebody that you like them,

then every single day for the rest of your life,

you have to get up and tell him or her again.

It's exhausting.

-Well, why don't you at least try to be nice? -Okay, I'll try.

Excuse me, hi. Do you know how to get to the fiesta deck?

Yes, I do. But thanks for asking.

You can take that passageway to your left, take the elevator down one deck.

Thank you so much. You know, you could take a few lessons from her.

You did it again. Old Judy good deed.

I did what again?

You know, I'm on to you. Mm-hmm.

You are after my job.

Bernice, that is absolutely ridiculous.

I have a job of my own to go home to.

-Oh, really? -Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you, miss big smile,

just to make sure that this is no double cross,

I am going to the captain and get you off my back.

Bernice...

The bridge is that way.

Judy, the next time you smile, I hope your teeth explode.

Captain stubing!

-Bernice, come in. -Sir...

Will you take care of this for me, please?

Sir, I'd like to talk to you.

Oh, that reminds me. I've been meaning to talk to you.

I had a phone call from one of our passengers, a Mrs. Carter.

She was very grateful that you helped her with her dog.

-Dog? -Yes, her sick dog.

Remember? You placed a call to her home?

Oh, that dog. [Laughs]

Well, when you've called as many dogs as I have,

all the barks and howls begin to sound the same.

[Chuckles] Well, anyway, she was very appreciative.

So, uh, what do you want to talk to me about?

Talk to you about?

Oh, uh, I was wondering, when we get back,

if I could have a day off to go see the lady's dog.

I like to always put a face to the voice at the other end of the line.

[Barks]

[Gopher on pa] Two hundred years ago, when captain Vancouver

first charted these waters, this bay didn't exist.

Since that time, the ice front has retreated more than 50 miles

and tall spruce and hemlock forests have taken root.

Breathe that crisp fresh air. Feast your eyes.

It looks like the world when it was new.

[Doc] Emily.

Look, Adam, there's nothing to talk about.

I really don't want to give up on us, Emily.

We have good times together, don't we?

-We did. -We still can.

Let's face it, relationships are 50-50.

You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to be.

Of course I'm here because I want to be.

But I'm not sure this relationship is 50-50.

Can't we go someplace to discuss this?

Sure, we can discuss it, uh... in my cabin.

-Adam... -Just discuss.

All right. Just discuss.

I sure hope doc and Emily have worked things out.

Doc? Emily? I told you. I'm staying out of this.

Hey, it's good to see you two together again.

Well, not quite together.

I'm sure everything's going to work out just fine.

-Surprise! -Oh, Emily...

-You like this surprise? -No!

I've got a better one!

You mean I fell for that old "my girlfriend left me" routine?

Ow! What did you do that for?

You're the one that told me she left him.

Ow! What was that for?

For having such crummy friends!

I'm really glad I stayed out of this.

You know, it's good to have a McCoy on the ship again,

even though she's not our cruise director.

Well, you've got a very good replacement in bernice.

Yes. In fact, a passenger told me that bernice helped her call home about a dog.

Now wasn't that a sweet thing for her to do?

Yes. But obviously, the passenger was confused.

Because when I spoke to her a second time and she described bernice,

bernice sounded like the image of you.

Well, when we worked together, people couldn't tell us apart.

And I'm sure she would have helped if she'd had the chance.

I am not saying another word without my attorney.

Or somebody's attorney.

If we could just sit those three women down for two seconds,

-i know we could straighten this whole thing out. -Doc, hold it.

First of all, they won't answer their door.

Second of all, they won't even answer the phone.

Is kidnapping still a federal offense?

Hey, guys...

-It was a pretty good party. -Too good. I could sure use a steam.

Anybody feel like sweating off a few pounds?

-Oh, captain... -Mrs. Fletcher.

I'd like to stop, but duty calls. Excuse me.

Captain, please.

I owe you an apology from the other night.

I was way out of line, but there is an explanation.

None needed, I'm sure.

Believe me, it won't happen again.

Yes, well, uh, I must be going...

Then I'll see you tonight, darling.

It's none of my business, dear, but I hope you're not getting involved with captain stubing.

I hear he's a very big chaser.

He's after every woman on the ship.

Who cares? As long as I'm one of them.

That's shameless! Shameless!

I know! While I'm in Alaska keeping warm with the captain,

my dumb husband is at home eating frozen dinners.

-Can you keep a secret? -Of course.

The captain came to my cabin last night.

[Spluttering] What happened?

I'd love to fill you in on all the lurid details,

but I'm on my way to the steam bath. See you later.

Ta-ta.

Ow.

Emily, I've gotta talk to you.

Adam, what are you doing in here?

You've got to believe me. I'm not a womanizer.

[Scoffs] You would say that to me, in here?

[Gopher] Bonnie, Bonnie, listen...

[Gasps] I knew you were weird, but this is depraved.

-Uh, Diane... -What do you want?

I just came in for a steam.

-Oh, hi! -Hi.

So, tell me, dear,

what went on with you and the captain?

Oh! It was beyond my expectations.

He is a wonderful lover!

First, he kissed me gently on the neck and ear lobes...

Kissed your neck and ear lobes?

And then he took me in his arms

and gave me a deep, full kiss.

A big, full, deep kiss?

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

-Harry! -Yeah, Harry. Fooled you, didn't I?

-You remember Ralph. -Check, please.

There's a man in the steam room!

-[In high-pitched voice] A man? -[Gasping] Where?

-It's not me! -Let's get 'em, girls!

[All clamoring]

You're out of uniform, officer. Ralph!

Get back in here!

I know that you're an officer.

Let's hope you're not a gentleman.

I'm not even an officer.

[Gopher] Ladies, shortly we'll be anchoring in Juneau,

Alaska's capital city, situated at the base of mount Juneau.

We're sure you'll enjoy exploring this exciting city,

where civilization is surrounded by nature's wilderness.

And don't forget, now is your last chance

to enter the "win a date with Engelbert" contest.

[Traditional Russian music playing]

Hi.

Can't we talk this out?

Every time I get over the feeling that all men are rotten,

somebody comes along and proves it to me again.

I know you're upset with me. I'm sorry.

It's a little late for "sorry," Adam.

Emily, look, I'm not apologizing.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm not sorry for being who I am.

I'm a man who loves women.

A man who lies to women.

No, I never said a word to you that I didn't mean sincerely.

Oh, I don't know, maybe I fall in love too easily,

but when I think of all the poor people out there

who are too afraid to ever fall in love,

i realized I wouldn't change, even if I could.

That's what I wanted to tell you...

And that I care.

You care, Adam?

I care, Emily.

Well, I hope you find what you're looking for.

[Vicki on pa] Ladies, the moment you've been waiting for is here.

Meet us in the acapulco lounge,

where it's Engelbert Humperdinck night!

[Band playing soft jazz]

It was a stupid thing to do, I admit it.

I guess I just don't think I'm good enough for you.

Oh, Harry, you're not only good enough, you're the best.

You're kind and caring, warm, loving.

And you're a very good-looking man.

You do make an ugly woman.

Well, I hear that you tried to pull one off for me.

Thanks.

Well, I did try.

You're going to ruin my image, kid.

I may have to trip a couple of old ladies in your name.

-You know why I think we've always been friends? -Why?

Because I'm the "smile" you never had.

Adam...

Ever since I've known you, I've been fighting with you.

Well, at least we're worthy opponents.

Funny, I think of us as being on the same side.

But you have to be who you are, and I have to be who I am.

Shake?

Kiss?

-Hello. -Hi, girls.

-Hello. -What do you say we get back together again also?

Well, all right, but I have to warn you,

i wrote a terrific letter to Engelbert.

-Want to make it unanimous? -Well...

Yeah, you did look kind of cute in that bath sheet.

I think I'll stay.

[Drumroll]

Thank you, thank you.

Ladies, I know who you're all waiting for, and it's not me.

So here he is, the man who flew all the way to Alaska

because he loves women.

Engelbert Humperdinck!

[Cheering, squealing]

Thank you.

Thank you, and thank you, ladies.

It is indeed a great pleasure being here with all of you.

You know when I arrived here this afternoon,

i spent a great deal of time reading all your letters.

Every one a winner. All winners.

But with careful consideration, I chose this particular one...

Because it's different. Let me show it to you.

And now I shall read it to you.

"I want a date with Engelbert because he deserves it."

[All laughing]

"A chance at a real woman, like me."

So, the lady that has been chosen to go out on the town with me

and be on my latest album cover is bernice Bronson.

-[Bernice squeals] -[Crowd applauding]

There she is.

That's right, Engelbert.

There's nothing you can teach me, but I can teach you plenty!

I'm sorry, bernice, but you're disqualified.

No employee is allowed to win.

Okay, then I quit.

If you think that I'm going to pass up a chance

to have a date with Engelbert Humperdinck,

captain, you can take your job and...

Ladies, Mr. Engelbert Humperdinck!

♪ Oh, what a tangled web we weave ♪

♪ when we practice to deceive ♪

♪ we play our games and tell our lies ♪

♪ and synchronize our alibis ♪

♪ they say forbidden fruit tastes sweeter ♪

♪ it's precious and so rare ♪

♪ it's heaven when you taste it ♪

♪ and it's hell when it's not there ♪

♪ I don't see you when I want you ♪

♪ you only see me when you can ♪

♪ 'cause you're the other woman ♪

♪ and I'm the other man ♪

♪ It's paradise ♪

♪ but we pay the price ♪

♪ 'cause ecstasy ♪

♪ never comes free ♪

♪ I don't see you when I want you ♪

♪ you only see me when you can ♪

♪ 'cause you're the other woman ♪

♪ and I'm the other man ♪

[Gopher on pa] Ladies, we are now leaving Juneau, Alaska.

It's going to be a fantastic night on the pacific Princess,

and when you look up and see the brightest star,

that will be Engelbert Humperdinck flying home.

That was some kiss you gave Engelbert.

Well, he flew all the way up to Juneau just to see us.

I didn't want him to go home empty lipped.

Are you jealous?

-A little. -How little?

If he were here right now, I'd tear off his mustache.

Bernice, would you like to get married?

Sure, but Engelbert didn't ask me.

I mean to me.

Why do you think I walked you over to the rail?

Because if you hadn't proposed, darling,

I was gonna push you over the side.

-I'm worried. -Why, do you think bernice was serious about quitting?

-Oh, don't worry, she'll stay. -That's what I'm worried about.

Good. Just the people I want to see. Come in.

Well, good night. I'll see you tomorrow.

That's all right, Judy, you can come in too.

I'm sure you all know there were two men on this cruise posing as women.

I have some bad news for all of you.

Bernice has fallen in love with one of those men.

Oh, that poor little guy.

And she has definitely decided to leave our crew.

So, what's the bad news?

Judy, you were once a cruise director, right?

-Right. -Well, she taught Julie.

Well, since you taught Julie so well,

and because we all love her so much,

i was wondering if there might be a chance...

Oh, that's a great idea, merrill.

...that you might recommend someone to us.

Oh, well, uh, just off hand, sir, I can't think of anyone.

Well, why don't you recommend yourself?

Yeah, you're the best person for the job.

-Yeah. -Now why didn't I think of that?

Well, if anyone gets around to asking the question, the answer is "yes."

[All cheering]

Goodbye, Jane. It was nice meeting you,

although I wasn't too sure for a while.

Be careful, merrill. You're a good catch.

And keep your mitts off my wife.

-Goodbye. -And remember, we're all getting together next weekend.

-Right. -Right. It'll be my first triple date.

Now what should we do?

Well, why don't you guys decide?

Oh, I know, right around the corner from my apartment,

-there's a great little steam bath... -Gopher!

On second thought, we'll pick the place.

-Take care. Bye. -Bye.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Bye, Emily. -Bye, Diane.

Bernice, I know your date with Engelbert will be memorable.

Well, tell him that. He's the one who lucked out.

Vicki.

Now that I'm leaving, I can tell you that I really like you.

[Vicki] Oh, thank you.

But don't let it go to your head.

I suppose you want me to tell you how I feel about you.

Yes, but not now.

Send me a postcard, 25 words or less.

-You got it. -All right. Bye-bye.

So long, bernice. You are one of a kind.

Good luck, kid. And if you need any pointers, you give me a call.

[Humming Engelbert's song]

[Chattering]

You know, Judy, this is the first time I've ever said these words

at the end of a cruise instead of at the beginning:

"Welcome aboard!"

[Theme music playing]