Original subtitles

[dramatic orchestral music]

[wind blowing]

[men chattering]

- [Man] Come on Harry.

[men talking over each other]

- All right, all right, all right, all right.

So it's not Gone with the Wind,

but for 60,000 bucks, what do you want?

- A hit?

- Oh, you're cute Benny, you're real cute.

- Hey Harry, they're tired of cheerleaders.

They're tired of nurses.

Now if we're gonna keep making these things,

we need a new gimmick, something fresh.

- [Benny] That's right.

- Hey, we're hardly breaking even.

This is bird doody compared to what we could be making.

- [Benny] That's right.

- [Man] Hey, maybe the bloom's off the rose

with porno, Harry.

Maybe we ought to get into commodities.

- [Benny] That's right.

- Look, what's the matter with you guys?

I made you guys a lot of money.

All right, so the last picture didn't do too well.

The last couple weren't huge hits, but come on.

I got some great ideas, some great ideas.

- Yeah well, come on, let's hear some of them.

- Well,

they're great ideas.

[men mumbling]

[coughing]

- Come on, Harry.

Let's end this misery.

Just sell us the studio.

With all this acreage,

we could put up a beautiful shopping center.

We'd be much better off, right?

- Shopping center?

Come on, look, I told you guys a million times,

as long as my father is alive I'm not selling this studio.

What, do you want me to kill him?

It'd kill him if he knew I was making porno.

He still thinks I'm making the kind of pictures he made.

I mean, look at that old man.

Look, he built this studio from nothing.

He poured his guts into it.

All right, so he wasn't Fox.

He wasn't Warner, hell he wasn't even Republic,

but he kept this studio alive and I'm not selling him out.

- Well, then tell us an idea already.

- Look, Harry,

we have done every kind of filth there is.

Everything, you name it.

Nothing.

- Let's do one about a deer.

Call it, Anything for a Buck, A Stag Film.

[laughing]

I'll just go sit at my desk.

- Look, you're in big trouble, Harry.

And all she can do is make jokes.

- Oh no, I can dance too.

Great, huh?

[soft music]

Well, not in these shoes.

I have tap shoes.

- She just danced in here.

I don't believe it.

She came in, and she told a joke, and she danced.

I'm surprised she didn't sing, too.

- I can sing.

- [Man] Hey, we got business.

- This is turkey doody.

- Oh, come on, Harry.

Let's stop putzing around, now give us an idea.

- All right.

You want an idea?

I'll give you an idea.

Ah Jesus Christ, what an idea!

- Well, what is it?

- You ready?

- We're ready already.

We are going to make

the first porno musical.

- We're what?

- What the fuck are you talking about?

A musical?

A porno musical?

- That's right, a musical.

Look, think about it for a minute, huh?

Look at all that hardcore crap.

People don't need to go to the movies to see hard core.

They want something new, like you said, something different.

They don't want to see any more licking.

They've seen enough licking pictures.

Genitalia, it's boring.

But singing genitalia?

Oh, gentlemen.

Come on.

[guys moaning]

- Of course, you don't know.

Nobody knows, but I'm telling you,

this can revolutionize the business.

- Nah, it's never been done.

- Of course it's never been done.

Have a little vision, vision and foresight.

What, do you think those schmucks uptown just said,

let have color, let's have sound, let's have cinema scope?

No, no, somebody had a vision,

and the rest of the jerks just got on the bandwagon, huh?

Look, Eddie.

We can make film history.

We can be millionaires.

- Yeah, I know.

But can we make any money?

- Can we make any money?

Look, this isn't hype gentlemen, this is the real thing.

Look gentlemen, listen.

[piano music]

♪ The color, the camera, the lights and the action ♪

♪ Can't you see it on the screen ♪

♪ The bare breasts, the bare asses passing your way ♪

♪ Fellas do you see what I mean ♪

♪ This can be the biggest grosser since the word gross ♪

♪ And the word gross really says it like it is ♪

♪ There is no one, no sir who has ever been close ♪

♪ To making such a fortune be his ♪

♪ It's the first nudie musical

♪ What a great thing

♪ Take them to the brink

♪ Then have them break out and sing ♪

♪ The first nudie musical

♪ Oh, what a success

♪ Even the chorus, for us will undress ♪

♪ The first nudie musical

♪ Wow, gee, how swell

♪ How much money this can make

♪ You never can tell

♪ The first nudie musical

♪ What songs can we use

♪ Show songs and rock songs even rhythm and blues ♪

♪ Can you see it

♪ We can see it

♪ Gotta sing, gotta dance

♪ While I'm taking off my pants ♪

- That's right.

♪ Gotta move, gotta croon

♪ While I'm busting out all over June ♪

♪ In the first, very first, nudie musical ♪

- Gentlemen, just think,

there'll be girls.

- Girls.

[upbeat show tune jazz]

♪ The first nudie musical

♪ Genius abounds

♪ Think how good it's gonna look ♪

♪ As good as it sounds

♪ The first nudie musical

♪ A masterly thought

♪ As long as we film fast and never get caught ♪

♪ Think of the tickets that are gonna be bought ♪

♪ What an idea, so let's go film it real fast ♪

♪ The first, very first, and last ♪

♪ Nudie musical

- Oh, wonderful!

[talking over each other excitedly]

- Hey Harry, I think we got a winner here, buddy.

- Harry baby, when do we start?

- Right away, Rosie?

- What?

- We got our next project.

Get your pad. - I've got my pad.

- Sit. - I'm sitting.

This is gonna be a good one, I can tell.

- All right, all right, wait.

Now is everybody in?

- Harry, you'd better excuse us.

We're going to have a meeting.

- I think I got 'em, Rosie.

If they go for this,

it's gonna be classy and straight up for now on.

We can make normal pictures again.

- Wouldn't that be great?

Then we wouldn't have to keep your father off the lot.

- Okay Harry, here's the deal.

We'll invest half, and we'll loan half.

- What do you mean, you'll invest half

and you'll loan half?

- I mean, we'll invest half, we'll loan half.

We'll take the studio on the hock, that's the deal.

Take it or leave it.

- What are you pacing for?

You're not gonna do this, they'll screw you.

- I'm screwed if I don't do it.

I don't know, I just,

I just have a feeling about this one.

All right, all right, you got yourself a deal.

All right now, Rosie, take this down.

We're gonna need sets, costumes.

- Costumes, you mean clothing?

- Yeah, yeah.

Actors.

- Actors? Where are we gonna get people

who can screw and carry a tune?

- We'll advertise, there's plenty of talent in town.

Oh wait, we need someone to choreograph, someone to direct.

- I got the guy.

I got the guy.

- You got the guy, who, what, who?

- My nephew, John Smithee.

- I know it's silly of me to ask Benny,

but has he ever directed a picture before?

- Look, that kid's smart, he'll learn.

- Learn?

Look, listen Benny.

- No, you listen.

Either he does it, or it don't get done.

Right boys?

- Right.

- Yeah, all right, all right, all right.

We'll work it out.

- Don't worry about a thing.

The kid is great.

- Where were we?

- Sets, costumes, actors, script?

- Script.

Script.

Here we are.

Come Come Now.

We got your girls, we got your yaks.

All we have to do is throw in the songs.

- Songs, songwriter.

- A songwriter.

I know the guy.

Good friend of mine, Dick Davis,

not only a good song writer,

he's the biggest pervert I know.

- Dick Davis, songwriter and pervert.

- Well, we gotta be going Harry,

but before we go,

there's just one slight stipulation.

- What's that?

- You gotta stick to the original timetable.

You got two weeks to shoot this masterpiece.

- Two weeks, for a musical, two weeks?

- Don't sweat it, Harry.

You did Kiss My Boots in three days.

- That had eight lines of dialogue and 17 orgasms.

This is a musical, a musical movie.

- Two weeks, Harry, you know the deal.

You go over schedule, you go over budget,

we take over the studio.

You're out.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know the terms, I know the terms.

- Then let's get the hell out of here, come on.

- Two weeks.

Schmucks.

Rosie!

- What?

- Look, Rosie.

Look, I really stepped in it this time, huh?

But I know I can do it, I know we can do it.

Goddamn it, I'm gonna make my father proud.

- Or dead.

- Yeah.

Look, get the advertisements in the paper.

I want them all out today, all right?

We can do it, we can do it, I know we can do it.

Tell me we can do it.

- We can do it Harry, we can do it, we can do it.

- Get the advertisements in the paper.

Sets,

costumes,

Jesus Christ, two weeks.

[uptempo big band jazz]

- Hey, far out!

- Hey, Arvin?

- I told you never to call me that.

I could kill my mother for naming me that.

You,

you call me, Riff.

- All right already.

Riff.

I think you see West Side Story too many times.

I going to see a man about a film.

- What kind of film?

- I don't know, some kind of musical.

- Just don't touch anybody, that's all.

No touching.

If there's touching, then I'm going to kill somebody.

- What is this?

You think I touch everybody I see?

Arvin, sometimes I think you're some kind of a freak.

- Riff, Riff, look, I'm a tough shit.

Tough shits aren't named Arvin.

- Oh, who cares anyway?

You big burrito.

I love you, and I'm going.

See you later, Arvin.

- Riff, Riff.

Bam!

[upbeat big band jazz]

- Hello.

- Do you know anything about this?

- Oh, just what the ad said.

- Well, do we have to be able to dance?

- Well, yeah, it said, bring tap shoes,

rehearsal clothes, possible nudity,

and they don't want any albinos.

- Is this SAG?

- SAG?

- Hi there.

- Hi.

- My name is George, George Brenner.

What's yours?

- Jane.

- Hey Jane, that's really a beautiful name, Jane.

- Why do I feel if my name was Sonny

that you'd think it was pretty?

- Hey, easy.

- Joy Full.

Oh, Miss Full?

- Oh, that's me.

This is Miss Full, Joy Full.

Do you believe it?

- Yes I do.

Hello, Miss Full.

I'm Harry Schechter.

This is Eddie Smirnoff.

My secretary, Rosie,

and the man at the piano is our composer, Dick Davis.

- Hi.

- Well, would you like tell us a little bit about yourself?

What have you done?

- Oh, I've done fellatio,

and straight fucking,

and some minor beastiality, too.

- Okay.

Well, would you like to do a little something for us?

- Sure.

[panting]

[squealing]

- Thank you.

Thank you, Miss Full.

That was

very good.

Look, I don't know if you know this,

this film has singing and dancing.

Did you bring anything to sing for us?

- No.

- No.

Well, could you just sing scales for us then?

- No.

Yeah, sure.

- Okay, Dick?

[piano music]

♪ Scale

♪ Scale

♪ Scale

- Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Miss Full.

Well, we'll be in touch, okay?

- Thank you, bye now.

- Bye.

Her orgasm wasn't too bad.

- Are you kidding?

That was the worst orgasm I have ever seen.

- All right, all right.

Let's get on with it then, okay?

♪ Scale

- Let's get on with it.

♪ Scale

Juanita Juanita.

- Hey all you wonderful people.

How are you, today?

- Yeah, just fine, fine.

How are you?

- Ready to roll.

- [Harry] Well, what can you do?

- I do a lot of things.

- Well, can you sing for us?

- I would not only like to sing for you,

I like to sing for you.

Are you ready Mister Piano muchacho.

Bueno bueno bueno.

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha

[singing in foreign language]

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha

[singing in foreign language]

- Thank you, thank you very much.

Just a minute.

I'm happy to inform you, Miss Juanita,

that you will have a part in the film.

- I have a part, in the film?

I'm so happy, I'm jumping for joy.

♪ But touch me

♪ I'm you

- Very good, very good.

I think we'll be able to work something out.

- [George] Hey, far out.

- Hey, far out, okay, thank you.

Thank you.

Now remember, please remember

to call me at George Brenner, 223-5486.

And please remember to call, even if I don't get the part.

♪ So touch me

♪ I'm you

[Rosie cackling]

[piano music]

♪ I wanna fuck I wanna suck

♪ But you're a schmuck I'm outta luck ♪

♪ You can't suck or drive a truck ♪

♪ Or pass the buck or eat a duck it's nip and tuck ♪

♪ All the way

♪ So I think the only thing to do ♪

♪ Is turn gay

- [Harry] Next.

What have you done, Miss Jones?

- Well, not too much.

I just got out here from Indiana.

- Well, do you know what kind of movie this is?

- Well no, not really.

I just want to do a movie.

- Well, do you sing and dance?

- [Miss Jones] Oh yes, I do.

- Are you willing to perform in the nude?

- Well, sure.

As long as I don't have to take my clothes off.

- Excuse me for a minute.

She's perfect for the ingenue in this film.

- What ingenue in this film?

There is no ingenue in this film.

- But there's going to be an ingenue in this film

and she's perfect for it.

Miss Jones, you have the part, if you want it.

- I do?

Now, Rosie will call you and give you all the details.

Okay?

Oh thank you, thank you so much.

Who is next?

- That's it, thank God.

- Gee.

Well I gotta get up to the office.

Benny's bringing around his nephew,

I'm supposed to meet him up there.

- Boy, did you believe that nude Buck and Wings?

What about the world's only nude one man band?

- Wasn't as bad as the guy with the plastic extension piece.

- I kinda liked him.

- He could play a great game of snooker.

- True.

[soft piano music]

♪ I just got out here from Indiana ♪

♪ I hit this big town today

♪ I came to be in the moving pictures ♪

♪ At my first try what did they say ♪

♪ They said yes so I guess I'm on my way ♪

♪ And though I know this movie

♪ Is not exactly what you call class A at all ♪

♪ That's not the way at all I feel ♪

[upbeat orchestral music]

♪ Everything's going, I'm moving not slowing down ♪

♪ And my world is looking fine

♪ I found the luck that I knew I would need ♪

♪ And the lights and the smiles will be mine ♪

♪ Shy, unprotected, and yet I expected ♪

♪ To make my own name, my own way ♪

♪ Frightened and scared, but it all worked out right ♪

♪ There'll be lights, there'll be smiles every day ♪

♪ And they warned me this town would be ♪

♪ Very hard, and full of sad, lonely nights ♪

♪ But it's just the opposite

♪ And its bright neon calls me on ♪

♪ Look at those beautiful lights ♪

♪ They tell me

♪ Everything's fine now the world can be mine now ♪

♪ My past, it's a thing of the past ♪

♪ Dull, dreary days are all done for me now ♪

♪ I'll have lights, I'll have smiles now at last ♪

♪ There'll be smiles, there'll be lights ♪

♪ There'll be beautiful nights

♪ There'll be beautiful sights to see ♪

♪ There'll be lights, there'll be smiles ♪

♪ Just for me

- I don't know, I don't know.

Look, all I know is he's got this nephew

who thinks he's a director.

I got no choice, no nephew, no money.

He's probably some overweight, heavy breathing,

sadomasochistic, necrophiliac, Nazi rapist.

I mean, look at Benny, right?

[knocking on door]

Wait, hold on, I ordered some lunch.

I think the guys here, come on in,

come in, come in, come in, come in,

put it right in here on the desk.

I hope they put the cream in at this time.

Where's the sandwich?

You didn't forget the sandwich, did you?

Where's the coffee, I don't even see the coffee.

Look, hold on for a second.

What kind of delivery service is this, anyway?

You get back to that slop factory you work for

and you tell them to bring me what I ordered.

And hurry it up, okay?

You wouldn't believe it, you order some lunch,

they send some kid up here with nothing.

I mean the kid brought nothing.

The kid-

Oh shit.

Oh shit, I'll call you back later.

Hey kid!

Are you Benny's nephew?

Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm Harry Schechter.

It's very nice to meet you.

Just come on in and sit, pull up a chair.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't know who you were.

I was expect-

a delivery service.

I thought your Uncle Benny was coming with you.

- Oh, he was, but he couldn't,

come.

Was something about seeing some Dolly,

or maybe it was Hello Dolly.

[laughing]

He couldn't come.

- Yeah.

Well it's John, isn't it?

- What is?

- Your name?

- It's John.

- Wonderful.

Now, John, as you know,

your Uncle Benny got you this job,

and as you know, and as I know,

you've never directed a picture before,

but that's okay, that's okay.

He says you're willing to learn.

Right? - Right.

- Right.

I really didn't know you were this young.

- Oh, I just look young.

I'm really 23.

- 23?

Now look, John.

I don't know if your Uncle Benny told you

about the kind of picture we're making.

- He said it was a musical.

- Yeah, well it is a musical,

but it's not an ordinary musical,

it's a tits and ass musical.

- Tits and ass?

- A pornographic musical.

- A pornograph? [laughing]

- Look John,

I know you have a wealth of sexual experience,

and a panorama of sexual knowledge,

but to be honest on the outside,

you look innocent,

you know like you don't know your ass from your elbow.

- Oh, I know I give the appearance of

being very innocent but I really do have a wealth of

sexual experience and a panorama of

knowledge.

- Fine.

But we only have two weeks to make this picture.

Now, tomorrow you're gonna be meeting the cast.

Now most of them are veterans.

- Is Chill Wills in it, Andy Devine?

- No, no, no, John, a veterans of many porno films.

So when you go in there tomorrow,

you gotta act like you know what you're talking about.

You gotta be gutsy, you gotta use filthy language.

Otherwise they're gonna walk all over you.

Now, this picture has everything, John, we got your,

tits, ass, fucking, fondling, oral sex.

You don't have anything against oral sex, do you, John?

- No, I like to talk about sex as much as the next fellow.

- Oh boy, are we in trouble.

- Why?

- Listen, like I said,

we both know you're a dean on sexual matters,

but when you go in there tomorrow,

you gotta act like you know what you're doing.

You gotta pretend to know how to make a picture, huh?

You gotta, you gotta be strong.

You gotta let them know who's boss.

Now go home,

go home, read,

do research.

See Deep Throat, I don't know.

- Deep what? - Deep Throat.

Look.

- Where is that playing?

- I know we're gonna be pals, John.

And it's just gonna be great.

Now I want you to call me Harry.

- Harry.

- You can call me Mister Schechter.

All right, now I want you to be here tomorrow,

one o'clock, Stage 8, check the production, okay?

- Schechner.

- Schechter.

Schechter.

Schechter.

- Where's that?

It's here, John, it's right here.

All right now, great.

Now it was really nice meeting you, John,

and I couldn't be happier.

It's gonna be great, it's gonna be just great.

- Great.

- Okay?

- Okay, thanks, Mister Schechner.

- Schechter.

Goodbye, John.

[chuckling]

[piano music]

- Yeah, I worked for him once before.

Kung Fu Sex Slaves.

- Oh yeah.

You were the one that did it going up the ladder.

- Yeah.

- You were great.

- Oh, thank you.

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha

[singing in foreign language]

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha

- Hi there, my name is George, George Brenner.

What's yours?

- Juanita.

- Juanita, that's a lovely name.

- Thank you very much.

[ringing]

- You got something else you wanted to say?

- No, I think that's about it.

♪ Every time

Oh, bullshit.

- You wouldn't believe it.

He looks like he just got out of high school, and dumb.

- A real talent, huh?

- Look at these people.

Oh, we're gonna need a miracle.

- Hello, Mister Schechter.

Mary La Rue, remember?

I want to thank you for casting me in your picture.

- Well, you're very talented, Miss La Rue.

Excuse me.

- Oh, he's sweet.

He's my kind of man.

I think that I'm probably his kind of woman, too.

- Really?

- Listen honey, since I am one of the leads in this picture,

well, in my last picture,

they sort of gave me my own little dressing room,

so I didn't have to be around all the people.

Do you think we could arrange that?

- Well honey, we do have a dressing room,

but it's not real close to the set.

- Oh, that's quite all right.

Where exactly is it?

- New York.

- Now, do you have all the information?

- Yeah.

- Okay, you got this stuff here?

All right, now it's great

to have you on the picture, Eunice.

- You know I love working with you, Mister Schechter.

- Look, how have you been?

- Well, aside for my emotional, social,

and sexual life, I've been great, just great.

- Same old Eunice.

Get this one too.

All right, now the director should be here any minute.

- Oh, who is it this time?

- John Smithee.

- John Smithee?

- Oh shit!

- Has he said, oh shit, yet?

- All right, everyone sit down.

Just sit down.

What the hell is this?

- Do you think it's too much?

I mean, I saw a picture in a film book on directors.

Nifty, isn't it?

- Nifty, oh yeah, it's great, it's great,

only we're not doing The Blue Angel, John.

- You don't like it.

You hate it.

You think I look like an idiot.

- Look, don't get crazy, John.

I think that if you just took off

the beret and

the scarf and the jodhpurs,

look, I don't know, just don't lose your confidence.

Just get in there and talk to 'em, like we said yesterday.

Okay?

- I'll try Mister Schechner.

- It's Schechter.

- Schechter.

- Okay.

First, I'd like to welcome you all

and say how happy I am to have you in the picture.

You all know what kind of a movie we're making.

And we have hardly any time at all to shoot this picture,

but if we all work together, I know we can pull it off.

We,

that is to say are very fortunate

to have a very talented director.

And I know he wants to say a few words.

I'd like you all to meet John Smithee.

[group applauding]

Talk.

- Hello.

My name is J...

John Smithee,

and I will be directing this film.

We will, of course shoot it

at the ratio of 1.85 to 1, using a camera.

Fuck.

It will of course be montages, flash cuts, fade outs,

add-ins, an occasional pan,

always of course, using the camera.

Eisenstein and I work very much the same way,

and he, of course, continues

to make great moneymaking pictures.

- Oh, please God, why me?

- Now, as Mister Sheckler said,

we don't have a lot of time.

So I will, of course expect hard work, cooperation,

diligence, photography, sound, and color.

Shit, we can make a fucking good bitch of a bastard movie,

if we all pull together and work

as a whore-loving cunt penis team.

Thank you.

[laughing]

- All right, all right, everyone.

Take five, take five,

and then we'll get to work.

- How was I?

- You were wonderful John, you were just wonderful.

- Marvelous.

- I was?

- Oh, yes yes.

[tapping]

- Oh, okay, kids, gather around here, all right?

This is Dick Davis, our composer.

And he's gonna be teaching you the songs as he writes them.

Dick?

- I just wrote this five minutes ago,

it's gonna be a big production number, the title song.

So let's learn it, one, two, three, four.

♪ Come, come now

♪ The boys are late, late, late ♪

♪ Working on you far ahead, but now ♪

♪ And I'm telling you

Shit.

♪ And I'm telling you dear, that it better be now ♪

♪ Or I won't be able to stop so come, come now ♪

Got it gang?

[singing in the distance]

- Ready, and.

- How do you do it?

How do you attract all of those men?

I sure wish I could do it.

- Well, honey,

some of us were born with it and some of you weren't.

You're a great script girl.

Do what you do best.

- Hi baby.

How you doing?

That's really hard work, huh?

Glad we got a break.

You know, I don't think we've been introduced.

My name is.

- George Brenner, I know.

I heard you telling everybody else.

- Oh.

♪ I'm not the bomb, I'm not a cripple ♪

♪ So tell me why won't you let me hold your nipple ♪

- No, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Action.

- Is this where I give head?

- Head?

What's head?

- Can you believe it?

And we start tomorrow, there's so much to do.

- Well, that director you hired isn't exactly Mister Speed.

- I didn't hire him, he was a gift.

Listen, I had no choice.

I mean, we got to finish this picture on time.

That's all there is to it, no matter what.

Well, I gotta be off.

I got to have dinner with that Mary La Rue tonight.

It's important, she said.

- Well, give her my best.

- I get the feeling you're not

terrifically fond of Miss La Rue.

- Are you kidding? She's terrific.

She has all the qualities I admire most in a woman.

She's opportunistic, pushy,

self-centered and a bitch.

Enjoy Harry.

- Thanks a lot.

Look, stick around and see if the guys

finish up on time, okay?

See ya.

- I'll just stick around

and see that these guys finish up on time.

Okay guys, I'm just gonna stick around

and see that you all finish up on time.

[upbeat orchestral music]

- Quiet, quiet.

Quiet down, let's have a rehearsal.

Places.

- Mister Smithee?

In this scene, you want me to do

just a regular ordinary orgasm, right?

- I think in the scene,

I think in this number, you,

let me just line up the shot.

- They want one on the set tomorrow, oh.

- Oh shit.

Listen, John?

Could you do us a big favor?

- Yes, yes, yes, Mister Schechter, what?

- Could you run out and get us some donuts?

You know, we could really use some energy food.

- Donuts?

What about the rehearsal?

What about the shot?

- We'll just hold everything just the way it is

till you get back.

- You're sure?

- Of course, you just take your time.

John, I think you should get one donut of every kind,

you know, just in case.

And if they're out,

I think you'd better go to another store, okay?

- Okay. - All right.

John.

[light instrumental music]

All right, everyone,

here's the way we're gonna do it, place.

- [Man] Orgasm, take one.

[moaning]

[piano music]

♪ Orgasm's

♪ A short spasm of love, sweet love ♪

♪ Orgasm

♪ Sure has 'em

♪ Doin' it nicely, doin' it nightly ♪

♪ Doin' it nicely nightly

- [Man] Lesbian Butch Dyke, take one.

- No, I don't smoke.

No, I don't drink.

- Just relax, honey.

All I want to do is touch you.

Caress you.

Kiss you.

Do dirty things to your body.

Just think of me as a friend.

- Are you a homo?

- You bet your nipple.

[dramatic piano music]

♪ Oh, lesbian, butch, dyke

♪ You can call it what you like ♪

♪ But it's what I am and what I'll always be ♪

♪ Oh, lesbian, butch, dyke

♪ And that's why they call me Mike ♪

♪ And not Jane or Susan or Penelope ♪

♪ I have a leaning towards a meaningful new tete a tete ♪

♪ But if there's a man in the vicinity ♪

♪ And if he infers he'd like to get in it he ♪

♪ Not only won't, the only thing he'll get ♪

♪ is a lesbian, butch, dyke

♪ You can call it what you like ♪

♪ But it's what I am

♪ It's what I am and what I'll always be ♪

♪ Ole

- Done some great work, John.

- Oh, thank you, Mister Schechter.

I really don't remember doing all of it,

but I guess that can happen during creative fervor,

huh, Mister Schechter?

- It's all yours, John.

You just keep up the good work.

- Oh, I'll try Mister Schechter.

- That's my boy.

Now you better go get ready for tomorrow's work, okay?

- Right. Okay.

- What were you going to do for dinner?

- I was gonna eat.

- Would you like to go out?

- Sure, what time?

- Pick you up at seven.

- It is seven.

- Then I'm here.

You ready? - Yeah.

Sorry I took so long.

- It's okay.

[crowd murmuring]

- Well, yes.

You know, I believe in a fluid camera,

you know a Minellian camera.

- Who gives a shit?

- You know, I believe in a, you know, a fluid camera,

a Minellian camera.

- Oh, me too.

- Oh Harry please.

- Look, you got a finger number,

you got to have fingers.

- Oh please I beg of you Harry, cut the finger number.

Look at this, look, you can't.

- Look at this.

Look at this.

They're all standing around eating donuts.

- Now, now, Harry, you promised me

you weren't going to get excited.

- Yeah, you're right, It's only nine o'clock.

That means they've only been standing around

eating donuts for two hours.

John!

- I'm coming, I'm coming.

I'll be right.

Oh wait, wait, let me just get you.

- Come here.

- Yes, Mister Schechner yes,

good morning, hello, how are you?

Donut?

- I don't think so, John.

- Really?

I mean, I got them on my way in this morning,

so I wouldn't have to leave the, you know, the-

- Set?

- Set, yes, sorry, are you sure you wouldn't like one?

I mean, because I've got all kinds here.

I got glazed, glazed,

I must've got a glazed box.

- John, would you put them down now?

I think that we're supposed to be doing a number here,

don't you think?

Why isn't anything going on?

I'm talking, John, what are you doing?

- I'm trying to, I can't find any place to put the donuts.

- Just drop them, John.

Just drop, look, just drop them on the floor.

Drop them on the floor, John.

- They'll get dirty.

- I'll handle this.

Give me the donuts, John.

- I thought you didn't want any?

- I think what Harry is trying to say here,

is that you'd better start

rehearsing everyone for the number.

I think that's what Harry's trying to say.

Only Harry's having a seizure at the moment.

- Right.

Then what I'll do is I'll start rehearsing

and I'll get the number, right.

- All right, let's get this rehearsal,

all right, now this is the dildo number.

Every dildo works, all right?

- Okay, okay, everybody.

Dildos.

Mary, let's go.

- It's Miss La Rue to you, bozo.

Hello Harry.

- I got dibs on the crane for rehearsal.

- Dibs on the crane?

- How's it going, Harry.

- Oh, great, great.

- Hey listen, can I see you for a minute?

- Yeah, what's up?

- Benny is very upset about the script.

Guy's come up with some great jokes

and he thinks they'll really help the picture.

He wants you to come over and hear 'em.

- Jokes, what is he talking about, jokes?

He wants jokes?

Tell him to come down here, I'll put him in the picture.

- That's just it, Harry.

If you don't go see him, he will come down here.

- All right, all right.

I'll give him five minutes, all right.

Just wait here, okay?

Look Rosie, you gotta help me out here.

This is an incredibly important number.

So stay here, watch everything.

Make sure you handle it, okay?

I love you, I love you.

Okay, come on Eddie.

Let's get out of here.

- Okay, everybody.

This is a full rehearsal.

Everything works.

- Lights, cameras, action.

- Take him up.

Music, Dick.

And action, Mary.

Oh belles.

[birds singing] [piano music]

♪ We're just dancing dildos are we ♪

♪ Dancing you see just for you

♪ We're just dildos out on a spree ♪

♪ Happy to be here with you

♪ Dancing dildos we meet the test ♪

♪ We'll stand up tall and then you do the rest ♪

♪ And then

♪ Dancing dildos aren't we gay, yes sir ♪

♪ Dancing all night and all day ♪

♪ Dancing dildos, dancing our life away ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to play

♪ Come on and dance with us

[humming]

- Belles, push your buttons.

[kazoo music]

- John.

John, stop the crane.

John.

- Take me up. - John! [screaming]

- Take me down.

- Rope burns.

My hands.

All right John, John?

No, no, John.

No, no.

- Ow! Dildo jerk.

[crashing]

[indistinct]

- John, cut.

[muffled speaking]

We've gotta get Harry.

[crew yelling]

- Put down for a closeup.

- Cut.

Cut, stop the music!

I will not do the scene

until these damn dildos know their steps.

I am an actress.

I've studied with Strasberg,

and I don't need this shit.

I'm going to my dressing room.

- John?

- Yes.

- John, I think we need another rehearsal.

You'd better go and talk to Mary and see what you can do.

You. - I?

- You are the director.

[hammering]

- What is it you little twerp?

- Excuse me, Miss La Rue.

I know you and I have the utmost respect

for each other as professionals.

- Who said you could come in my room?

Get back behind that line.

- I'm sorry.

Look, can we talk nicely about this?

- No, we cannot.

- But.

- Look, John, I think we need some more donuts.

I'll talk her.

- Donuts, great. - Great.

Now what's this, huh?

- Harry, I'm so glad you came to talk to me.

I don't like any of the other people on this picture.

- That's okay, they don't like you either.

Now listen, sweetheart.

I got a picture to make here.

I can't replace you, you're in too much footage already.

And then you throwing me way behind schedule.

And I was behind schedule even before there was a schedule,

so stop jerking around, okay?

- Well, that does put us

in a bit of a predicament, doesn't it?

Kiss me, Harry.

I said, kiss me, Harry,

then I'll do the scene.

- Oh shit.

[clapping]

- Real cute Harry.

You ought to be in the picture.

- Look, now get in there and do this scene, okay?

- Anything you say, Harry.

Not his type of woman, huh?

Tough titty, isn't it?

- That's what I've heard.

- Ooh, real cute honey.

- Thanks, honey.

- She's blackmailing me, do you believe it?

- No.

- [Man] Perversion, take one.

- Hello, all you wonderful perverts.

I am so happy to be with you tonight.

[piano music]

♪ Perversion

♪ Anything goes

♪ You name it, I'm game it

♪ Wouldn't matter what game you chose ♪

♪ I'll play hard to get if that gets you hard ♪

♪ I'll be the queen or I'll be the king ♪

♪ You deal the cards

♪ Perversion

♪ Whatever's fair

♪ Give voice to a choice you

♪ Wouldn't ordinarily dare

♪ Some horseplay or a bit of coitus ♪

♪ We'll be so wild if they ever arrest us ♪

♪ They'll never acquit us

♪ So bind me and tie me

♪ Free me and fly me

♪ Pay up and buy me

♪ Or do something worse

♪ As long as it's perverse

♪ Perversion

♪ Isn't it fun

♪ To do things, such new things ♪

♪ Things that people think can't be done ♪

♪ I'll wear black lace and naughty, sexy regalia ♪

♪ Or if you like you can dress up in that paraphernalia ♪

♪ So let's just not sit here

♪ Let's get down to it here

♪ It won't hurt a bit here

♪ Or maybe it will

♪ Perversion my old thrill

[phone ringing]

- Screening room.

Eddie.

Eddie, what are you talking about?

Eddie, Eddie.

I can't go to the goddamn racetrack with you.

I'm trying to make a picture here.

Wait, wait, hold on.

What's the matter?

- It's chaos down there.

- Goodbye Eddie.

- What, what?

- It's Mary La Rue, she scared the actor that has to,

he can't seem to make it get, he can't get.

- Oh, shit.

- Harry, I've gotta get out of this business.

- Now.

Think about the scene,

and action.

- [Man] Scene swats on nerve, take 12.

- Will you get that thing up already?

Come on, boy.

Come on, up.

Up, up, come on.

Come on, come on.

Oh cut, cut.

- All right, all right.

What's the problem here?

- I wouldn't work with this bitch if my life depended on it.

Get yourself another penis.

- Well, you've really done it this time, haven't you?

- No, but I'd like to.

Why don't you do the scene, Harry?

- Yeah Harry, why don't you do the scene?

- Look, would you get on the phone?

Get me a stunt cock, one that doesn't scare easily.

- Stunt cock?

Did you just ask me for a stunt cock?

- Stunt cock. - Stunt cock.

Where can I find that, in the Yellow Pages?

- In the meantime, Harry,

why don't you come on up to my dressing room?

- Look, don't make me get violent.

Just be ready to do the scene, okay?

You understand?

- Oh, I love it when you get angry, Harry.

Admit it Harry, we're perfect for each other.

Even our names,

Harry and Mary.

- Just be ready to do the scene.

[people chatting]

- Pardon me?

This is stage five, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- Good.

- Are you always like that?

- Yeah, always.

- John?

Here's a stunt cock.

- Your stunt cock is here.

Your stunt cock is here.

- Ah.

Now, Mister,

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

- Henry Schlong.

- Schlong?

That Chinese?

Now in the scene,

you know, I,

I wouldn't wear the dark glasses or the hat because,

in the scene you're supposed to be a, you know, making love.

- I'm not here for making love.

I'm here for fucking.

I do this eight hours a day.

[laughing]

- Now in this scene.

- He knows what to do, dipshit.

- Oh, very well.

Shall we get a rehearsal?

- Rehearsal?

Just roll the goddamn camera.

- Fine,

lights, cameras.

- Knock it off.

Action.

- [Man] Cock inserts, take one.

[Mary moaning]

- You say you're always like this.

- Always.

Something about my body chemistry.

I have a perpetual erection.

[Mary moaning]

- [Man] We ran out of film, cut.

- John, you ran out of film.

[Mary still moaning]

- Cut.

[Mary moaning]

[coughing]

Cut.

Why disturb them?

We'll tell them later.

- See ya.

- God, wouldn't you love to have somebody like him?

God, I sure would.

- He was just so big.

He was just so big.

- Yeah, well you got someone better, right?

- Oh right.

But he was just so big.

It was just so big.

[funky music]

- Well, it's not bad, not bad.

But we're so far behind.

We only have two days left,

and that dumb kid just keeps hanging around.

- Why don't you send him on some more errands?

- Where can I send him?

We got 8 million donuts piled up in the back of the stage.

I got it.

- What?

- We'll send him for script changes.

- Script changes?

- To Wanda's.

- Wanda.

John?

[laughing]

- Wanda, oh Wanda?

Wanda?

Excuse me.

I'm supposed to

pick up some script changes from someone named,

Wanda.

- Sure, honey.

We understand.

- But Wanda's a little busy right now.

- Could, could, could, could one of you give it to me?

- You bet, sugar.

♪ Hello honey, what'cha doin' tonight ♪

♪ I haven't seen you around here, you must be new ♪

♪ Hello honey, what'cha doing tonight ♪

♪ Because whatever it is I'd like to do it with you ♪

♪ You've got a nice face, nice smile ♪

♪ C'mon up to my place for a while ♪

♪ Don't you see now how the time is right ♪

♪ So tell me honey what'cha doin' tonight ♪

- Oh, I was just leaving.

♪ Hello honey, what'cha doin' tonight ♪

♪ You want an evening's worth of fun you just say the word ♪

♪ C'mon, honey, what'cha doin' tonight ♪

♪ 'Cause if you feel uptight, we're gonna get that cured ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ It could be so nice with you tonight ♪

♪ Believe me babe the price is right ♪

♪ C'mon, honey, you just fight that fright ♪

♪ And tell me honey what'cha doin' tonight ♪

- Thank you.

♪ I've got an empty room just sitting there ♪

♪ And I would like to fill it up with you ♪

♪ It hasn't got a sofa, it hasn't got a chair ♪

♪ It's only got one piece of furniture but it'll do ♪

♪ Hello, honey, what'cha doin' tonight ♪

♪ Hello, honey, what'cha doin' tonight ♪

♪ Nice face, nice smile, c'mon up to my place for a while ♪

♪ Don't you see now how the time is right ♪

♪ So tell me honey what'cha doin' tonight ♪

- I'm having dinner with my mother.

♪ Honey what'cha doin' tonight

- I'd really love to stay.

♪ Honey what'cha doin' tonight

- Call girls.

♪ Honey what'cha doin'...

♪ tonight

♪ Tonight

- Oh la la, la la la la la la la la.

Oh yeah, far out.

Oh, right.

[yawning]

- Cut, cut cut cut.

Mary, Mary, what are you doing?

Oh Harry honey, I hate to be a pooper,

but with a cock in me.

- Why should now be any different?

- Listen you bitch,

I've had just about all I can take of you.

- You know, somehow I don't mind being called a bitch,

especially when it comes from the original.

- Harry, are you going to allow this person

to talk to me like this?

After all I am the star.

How dare you talk to me like that.

Do you know who I am?

- Why, can't you remember?

- Get out of here.

- You get outta here.

- What?

You heard me, I've had it with you.

- Oh, but Harry honey.

- Don't give me any of that Harry honey bullshit.

You are the one who's getting out of here,

and you're getting out now.

Now you're fired.

Get outta here.

- Well, I never.

- Oh, really?

- Fag!

[somber harmonica music]

- Okay everyone, it's a wrap.

I'll see you all tomorrow at seven.

- [Man] It's a wrap.

- I'm sorry, Harry.

- It's not your fault.

She had it coming for a long time, anyway.

I got no star.

I got one day left.

Those sons of bitches are gonna win.

- No, they're not.

You'll think of something, you always do.

- Yeah.

Something will work out.

Or I can be shopping here in a couple of months.

Schechter not Schechner.

[mumbling]

[tingling music]

I've got it.

Goddamn it, I've got it.

- I'll go back to the House of Pies [indistinct].

I still have that outfit.

I ended up.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

- [Harry] I got it, Rosie I got it.

- Well, I didn't give it to you.

[phone ringing]

- Harry?

I'm sorry, I was still asleep.

What is it?

- Look Rosie, I figured out what's gonna save us.

I figured out who's gonna do the number.

- [Rosie] You did, great, who?

- Three guesses.

- Harry, it's 3:30 in the morning.

Don't play three guesses

with a person at 3:30 in the morning.

Who's gonna do the number?

- You.

- Harry, you must be having a very bad dream.

Go back to sleep.

- Oh no, no, no dream.

Now look, come on.

You've seen the routine a hundred times.

I've seen you tap dance, I know you can do it.

Come on, if you don't do the number,

you're gonna make my father a very unhappy man.

And at 85, he doesn't need the aggravation.

Now, come on, there's no pressure.

Just take your time.

Okay, times up Rosie.

- Harry, I can't, really.

- Please, please, please, Rosie for me.

- You got it.

Gee, I'm glad there was no pressure.

- [Harry] Rosie, I love you.

- I love you too, Harry.

- Okay, all right, now go back to sleep,

I'm gonna call George and tell him

you're doing the number with him.

Okay, bye.

- Bye.

Oh shit.

- Thanks a lot, Jay.

See you later.

- God, 5:00 a.m.

Hi there, what are you doing out this late all alone?

My name is George, George Brennan.

- Give me your money.

- My, you have a deep voice.

Didn't even tell me your name, ya creep.

I don't believe it, mugged in front of my own building.

All right.

- Mugged in front of his own building.

I don't believe it, if it's not one thing, it's another.

How the hell can you make a picture around here.

- Stop pacing.

His eye can't be all that bad.

- George?

All the makeup in the world isn't going to cover that thing.

About the only good thing that's happened

is that John hasn't showed up.

- Maybe he's still at Wanda's.

- All night?

- Hi girls, how are you?

That's a nice set of knockers you got there.

Beep beep.

Well, what are we all standing around for, huh?

What are we gonna do today, another fuck scene? [laughing]

Well, God let's get started

before that fart Harry gets down here. [laughing]

- What did you say, John?

[laughing]

- Mister Schechter.

I'm sorry I'm late.

That place you sent me to, that was some place.

I want to thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Heard about your problem, Harry.

What's happening?

- Well, it looks like we can't finish the picture,

so you tell me what's happening.

- Well, Benny and the boys and me have decided,

according to the terms of our contract,

well, you know, we're taking over the studio.

- Well, we almost made it didn't we?

I want to thank you all very much.

You'll be working for your Uncle Benny now, John.

- Wait a minute, I don't want to work for my Uncle Benny.

I hate my Uncle Benny.

My uncle Benny is a shit hook for doing this.

I can't do this picture without you here.

- Well John, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it,

But thanks.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute, Mister Schechter,

I have an idea.

I have an idea.

- Hey John boy, I think your Uncle Benny wants to see you.

And I mean, now.

- Mister Schechter, you can do the number.

- What, are you nuts?

- You know the routines better than anyone.

- He's right Harry, you know the routine.

- You're nuts.

Oh, I'm nuts, and I'm doing the number.

So unless you're nuts and you do the number,

You're gonna lose the studio, Harry.

- Rosie.

You got yourself, a new costar.

[crowd cheering]

- Look Mister Schechter,

I don't want you to worry about a thing,

because with my direction, you won't have to worry.

I'll take care of you.

- John boy,

are we really gonna need donuts today?

Go on.

- Right.

- Sorry Eddie, for this number,

it's gonna be a closed set.

Now listen, everybody.

We gotta pull together here and be like a family.

George, I'm gonna need your help.

I gotta brush up on the steps.

All right, everyone, let's go!

- Good evening, Mister and Missus America,

Navy Morgan in Hollywoodland, USA.

Tonight, we're attending the premier of a new Schechner,

I'm sorry, Schechter Studios production

of a brand new kind of musical.

The first, all singing, all dancing, porno,

the title, Come Come Now.

The crowds are outside.

You probably can hear them in the background,

and they're beginning to come into the door now.

Let's all go into the theater now and see, Come Come Now.

[dramatic orchestral music]

[audience applauding]

[show tune band music]

[audience laughing]

♪ Let 'em eat cake

♪ Let 'em eat hog dogs

♪ Let 'em eat ol' hamburgers

♪ If they haven't got dogs

♪ Let 'em eat anything they feel they're due ♪

♪ Let 'em eat cake, but let me eat you ♪

♪ Let 'em eat cake

♪ Let 'em eat hors d'oeuvres

♪ And if they polish off all that ♪

♪ We'll give 'em some more d'oeuvres ♪

♪ Let 'em eat bagels, cream cheese, and lox ♪

♪ Let 'em eat cake, but let me, eat, that old proverbial box ♪

♪ People who eat lots of food tend to grow obese ♪

♪ Then they have to diet, that's the catch ♪

♪ But me I always eat my fill eat and never cease ♪

♪ But I never gain that weight, for I dine on snatch ♪

♪ Oh, what a diet, you've really got to try it ♪

♪ Let 'em eat cake

♪ Let 'em eat rabbit

♪ Let 'em eat chocolate-covered ants ♪

♪ If that is their habit

♪ Let 'em eat anything they feel they're due ♪

♪ Let 'em eat cake, but let me eat ♪

♪ When I want to stuff my face

♪ I just call my best friend Grace ♪

♪ Let me eat

♪ Ask me dear what gets me high ♪

♪ It is your sweet honey pie

♪ Let me eat you

♪ Let 'em eat cake

♪ Let 'em eat cake

♪ But let me eat you

[audience applauding and cheering]

[light orchestral music]

- Harry, Harry.

- Congratulations, Miss Jones, you're gonna be a big star.

Here's my card.

- Hey, Juanita.

Where'd you get the name, The Cuban Comer?

- She got it from me.

You want to make something of it?

- George, George Brenner.

♪ So touch me

♪ I'm you

- Yes, actually my, you know,

my camera style derives more from Eisenstein

than Von Sternberg, but if you look closely,

I think you will find that there are undeniable traces.

- Let's talk about it on Monday.

We gotta talk about the sequel.

Come, Come Again.

If we hurry, we can do it in a month.

- Yeah sure, and when we talk about it,

we'll also talk about a new contract, right boys?

- Right.

- Get outta here.

We did it.

We're a hit, can you believe it?

From now on it's going to be

class A and straight up, huh, right?

- Right.

And we can let your father back on the lot again?

- Of course.

But wait, I've got a great idea for a new picture, too.

I thought of it the other day.

So it's going to be a Shakespearian porno.

We'll call it The Taming of the Blue.

- No, Harry.

- No? - No.

- You don't like that?

- All right, wait, I've got some other ones.

I got some great ideas.

How about this one?

Sort of a light romantic comedy,

about a young, hot shot producer

who marries his dancing secretary?

You like that one?

- That one I like.

- Shall we?

- Oh, yes.

[light romantic orchestral music]

♪ Will I be boring

♪ Or will you be ignoring

♪ The things I say

♪ Oh, I wish there were

♪ Something pat that I could run up and say to you now ♪

♪ But I get stuck and I don't know ♪

♪ How to say what I mean

♪ You make me smile and laugh

♪ Doesn't sound like much

♪ But it's simple things

♪ A look, a touch and I

♪ Feel so warm I feel so right inside ♪

♪ You bring me out and I don't have to hide ♪

♪ Anymore

♪ Anymore

♪ You make me smile and laugh

♪ Doesn't sound like much

♪ But it's simple things

♪ A look, a touch and I

♪ Feel so warm I feel so right inside ♪