Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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(smooth blues music)

♪ Leave her there ♪

♪ I like it ♪

(grill sizzling)

- [Announcer] Another beautiful Los Angeles day.

Man, we're so spoiled.

But let me spoil you a little bit more.

Turn this up.

It's Power 106.

- Get up.

I'm off to work.

Breakfast sandwich in the microwave.

- You know, mom?

One day I'm gonna own a restaurant and make bank,

so you don't have to work at your crappy job.

- Not before I beat the casino,

then I'll support your college education

and you won't have to go to your crappy job.

- Is that clock right?

- Six a.m.

- Ooh mom. (growls)

(mom chuckling)

- Time to get up.

- Oh.

- Oh, well I guess you're already up.

- Celia, some privacy please?

- Excuse me, I am your stepmother now.

You have to call me mom.

- Okay, you know what, Celia?

- Mom.

- Mom.

Okay, this is really awkward.

- Honey, there's nothing awkward about this.

Sex is a very natural thing.

Would you like a little lotion?

- What?

- I know what kinda lotion you need.

You need the cocoa butter.

- Yeah, sure.

- You're disgusting.

Oi.

(soft whimsical music) (Mighty Mac snoring)

- Get up, get up.

Wake up.

(Mighty Mac snoring)

(chuckles) Time to go to work. (water trickling)

(soft whimsical music)

(Mighty Mac snoring)

(air horn bellowing) (Mighty Mac shouting)

(fist bashing)

- What're you doing?

Why am I wet?

Damn, bro!

(soft whimsical music) (body thudding)

- He was a humble man who inherited millions

when his father passed away.

Now he's moving mountains with tacos.

Bruce?

- Well you know before I thought I had it all,

but I didn't have a community that I belonged to

and well now I do.

- He's building a fleet of taco trucks

just for love and tacos.

- Yeah, you know what?

You know what?

I mean I got somethin' to say.

Before I had an addiction, you know?

I was what you would call (stutters).

Perlumptuous.

No, it's perlumptuous.

I was into ladies with really big lumps everywhere,

you know?

So this one time, I was at this jaina, you know?

We got down, a little crazy.

And then you know, she come back at me an hour later.

She's talkin' about she pregnant.

But I did what any real man would do, you know?

I booked it and then I changed my beeper number

and then that's when I found Bruce.

Bruce changed my life, dawg.

- Great.

- Hey, you have a heart of gold, dawg.

C'mere, c'mere.

- No no.

No, I said never touch me, okay?

Now I gave you a job, that's enough.

Thank you. - Gimme a taco, eh?

- Nope. - Thank you for sharing.

- Sorry, fellas.

Well anyway, I'm a very hands-on person.

So with each new truck that I open up,

I'm right there working with the workers

making sure everything's tip-top.

And I have a philosophy.

- Yes?

- And that is that you need to give cholos jobs, not drugs.

You give them tacos, not guns.

You need to give them hope, not hip-hop.

- Bruce took all my anger and rage

and he channeled 'em to cooking.

- That's great.

- You know, he taught me skills

on how to handle pressure or without hurting people.

Hey, mom.

- These guys, they're my bathos.

I love them. (chuckles)

Wait, wait a minute.

Which one of you took my wallet?

Which one of you guys took my?

They didn't.

(chuckles) They didn't take my wallet.

That's the kinda fun racial humor

we have down here at Taco Ghando.

- (chuckles) Well Bruce might look like the migra,

but he's not deporting people.

He is importing love.

Back to you at the studio.

Lauren Schwartz-Lopez reporting live from

Taco Ghando. - Taco Ghando.

(mom weeping softly)

- What's wrong, mom?

- My work just called.

They said not to come in today.

I just lost my job.

They're relocating to India.

- What?

- What am I gonna do?

I owe more on the house than it's worth. (weeps)

- We're gonna survive this, mom.

That's what we're gonna do.

- It's your taco shop money.

It's your dream.

Please don't.

- But then you won't be able to pay for the house.

Mom, just take this as a backup.

- Thank you, son.

You'll get this money back, I promise.

- I know, mom.

It's okay.

I'm gonna be late to work.

Love you, mom.

- Love you too, mijo.

- [Man] Wanda Fresca, let's go

- [Woman] KBWR Los Angeles.

- [Man] Power 106.

(smooth soul music)

- Dude, I can't believe today's your last day at work, man.

- No, it's not.

This letter's useless.

- Letter?

Wait a second.

Your dumb ass wrote a resignation letter for a taco shop?

C'mon, dude.

It's not IBM you're working at, okay?

It's IB Mexicano at best.

I mean besides, you're supposed to steal something first

and then quit and give your boss the finger.

- Yeah, well my mom got laid off today.

- [Mighty Mac] Damn, that's messed up, man.

- So no taco shop for you, man?

No tasty-ass recipes of yours?

Dude, that's your dream.

- Yeah, my dream can wait.

- Who's gonna hire a bunch of fine-ass girls to work there?

Dude, I had the entire Corona girl

bikini team on board, dude.

- Q, it's a taco shop, not a strip joint.

- No, it was gonna be the cheaper Hooters.

Was gonna call it Cooters.

No wings, just breasts and thighs.

- Well I'm glad somebody has a dream, Q.

(horn bellowing) (car engine roaring)

- Oh.

Dammit, don't look.

Cholo's always Mad Dog and I don't wanna start anything.

- Wait, what cholo?

That one right there?

- [Smokes] Now don't look at him, man.

C'mon.

- Aight, check this out.

Watch this, guys. - What are you gonna do?

- No, just watch.

- No, what? - Watch.

- Mac, no. - This is gonna be funny.

This is gonna be pretty sweet.

Hey.

Hi.

Hey. (smooches)

- [Smokes] Oh my.

(Mighty Mac giggling)

(car engine roaring) (smooth soul music)

- (chuckles) Did you see that?

(car engine rumbling)

♪ 24 hours ago ♪

♪ On the train ♪ (tires screeching)

- Oh no.

(car engine roaring)

♪ Whenever you call ♪

(car door slamming)

- Whassup, ese?

You hitting up on me?

You think it's cute or something?

I'm not like that.

- No, man.

Look, it was a joke, okay?

I was just jokin' around.

- Hey homie, cool it.

I know these guys.

- Old School Eddie.

We cool, but he winked at me.

(Eddie huffing)

What, you like me?

I think I like you too, but what?

I ain't gonna do anything about it.

Do you think it's weird that we're attracted to each other?

Do you think it's wrong?

- What?

- Just because you're attracted to me,

don't mean I'm attracted to you 'cause I'm not that way.

Ever since I've been outta prison,

I'm back to being straight.

- Relax, he didn't mean anything.

- Old School Eddie, tell him to relax, not to tempt me.

He don't know me that way.

He might have a cute look and all, but I'm not gay.

- Hey man, we're just here waitin' for our boss

to open up, that's all.

- No, man.

Look, it was a joke, okay?

- I know where you work, foo.

- 'Kay.

(Eddie chuckling)

Hey, you know that psycho?

- He's just a little heterophobic.

It's all good.

- Heterophobic.

- C'mon. (chuckles)

- The guy's scary as hell.

- (grunts) Old School Eddie.

(keys jingling) (smooth jazz music)

Tapes of my big films.

Wow, there's my biggest.

I was co-executive producer and co-lead.

- [Smokes] "Black Cock Down"?

- [Gill] That's not what you think.

- Sequel to the "Chicken Run"?

- No.

It's about an African-American rooster

that fights depression.

- Cool.

Hey, can I have one?

- No, I'm signin' those and sellin' 'em on eBay.

- Why would you get outta porn, Gill?

- Well I fell in love with my ex-wife

and I couldn't pass the physical anymore.

- Like an STD?

- No, like my heart.

Plenty of STDs.

I beat 'em all with vitamin C and positive thinkin'.

I don't have gonorrhea.

I don't care what that lab report says.

Let's go make some food.

Smokes, get the trunk.

You don't want bad guys.

You know, I did gay for pay one time.

I wasn't proud of it.

You know somethin'?

- Hey, look a mustard.

- You look a mustard.

- Come on, man. (chuckles)

- Okay, let's get started, people.

Hey Old School Eddie, prepare the menudo.

- All right.

- Listen, folks.

Today's a very special day.

We have a very special visitor.

Mr. Singh, he's Indian from India.

- Ooh, you mean like "Slumdog Millionaire."

- Less Slumdog and a lot more millionaire.

- Mm-hmm.

- Now right here I have our proposal

to make this into a profitable franchise establishment.

We will grow all over Southern California.

- Which means each and every one of you,

especially Smokes has an opportunity to become a manager

or assistant manager in a Taco Dollar establishment.

- Wow, first manager.

Then hey, president.

- I don't eman to break your heart but no way in hell.

Now also I found out through our many connections

that we have a surprise visit

from the health inspector today.

- How'd you find that out?

- I asked him.

We used to work together in medical clearances in porn.

Now listen people, I wanna have As.

Screw the Cs.

- I can't see Indians selling tacos.

Don't they do casinos?

- He's a 7/11 Indian, you idiot.

Okay, no Cs.

- What's so wrong with Cs anyway?

I averaged Cs in high school.

Look at me now, I'm doin' great.

- You know, if we get anything that is less than an A,

I will give you all pink slips.

Now lemme introduce our newest employee to Taco Dollar.

- Welcome, Susie.

She's my hire, so you two idiots better not mess with her.

I know I don't have to worry 'bout you.

- Hello, Miss Berry.

- I told you call me Eve.

- Yeah you know, like the douche product.

- "Like the douche product." (chuckles)

That school over there, that's Jorge Quesilla.

We all call him Quesadilla 'cause he's so dang-gone cheesy.

- [Gill] And he smells like Limburger.

He's got blue cheese between his toes. (chuckles)

- And this big-boned brother right here,

this is my baby Mighty Mac.

- Hello, m'lady.

- Hi.

- We call him that 'cause his greedy butt once ate

25 Big Macs in one setting.

He's the only person I know to be banned

from every single hometown buffet in the LBC.

- It's actually an exaggerated rumor.

I only ate 23.

- And the cutie pie, drum roll please, in the corner.

Get outta the way.

This is my baby Smokes.

Smokes meet Susie.

Susie, Smokes.

- Lemme guess, they call you Smokes because you smoke.

- No, it's because when I was a little kid

I burned my house down.

- Oh, sorry.

- I had you for Miss Lau's chemistry class.

- Rogelio?

- You're the class vice president, Miss 4.0.

- And you were never in class.

- Wow, now you two work here.

Boy, that high school really worked out for the both of you.

Okay, Susie is our new cashier.

Susie report to Eve.

She's our head of HR and our marketing.

C'mon, people.

Get to work.

(knives chopping) (funky rhythmic music)

(grill sizzling)

(message blooping)

(Eve chuckling)

- Hey, Eve. - Yup.

What?

- Sorry.

- You know, you can be so ghetto sometimes,

always creepin' up on somebody.

Go!

Go, go.

I'm busy.

(siren wailing) (Eve chuckling)

(retro blues music)

- [Smokes] Yo.

- Oh Smokes, check out our new product.

I got that the Charta at I put a Geo.

The hottest movies on DVD and Blu-ray.

What you need, that "Twilight" twizzle?

That's the trilogy.

What you need, what you need?

- Can't today, Amber.

Maybe next payday.

(El Guapo Loco speaking in foreign language)

- Yeah.

For sure, man.

(retro blues music)

What?

- He sayin' are you broke?

- Oh.

Oh yeah.

- Like I-ain't-got-no-money broke.

Like you-should-quit-this-job broke.

- Exactly.

- (chuckles) He's broke.

We can't believe that you come here every day

and you're actually broke.

- Is that Mad Dog Tony?

- Shaved head and tattoos,

it could be half this neighborhood.

- 'Sup, ese?

(bear smacking)

That's for you.

I wanna apologize.

It's cool if you're gay 'cause I'm not.

- Thank you?

- I wrote my phone number

on the bottom of that teddy bear's ass.

- That cholo has a crush on you, dude.

You guys gonna make wetback mountain?

I think he wants to play hide the chorizo.

(funky rhythmic music)

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

- What are you eating?

- (chuckles) Your competition.

- Ding.

- [Amber] Yeah, you should try one of these bad boys.

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

- What?

- Oh please don't tell me you're eatin' the merchandise.

Amber, Mugres.

Smokes, can you bring a box of napkins outta storage?

- Yeah.

(counter knocking)

What's up?

- Aww, sorry I called you ghetto.

- It's all right.

- No, it's not all right.

Guillermo and I broke up and it got real ugly,

so I met this new guy.

Real cat daddy. (imitates cat roaring)

(chuckles) Means he's a older guy.

- Like Social Security check old?

'Cause that's pretty steady income.

- I'll keep you posted as it pans out.

I don't wanna jinx it.

- All right.

- Mama needs this one to work.

- Good luck.

- Thank you.

- Where'd you get this?

- The new roach coach across the street.

Go ahead, try one.

Go ahead, try it.

Try it.

- Oh god.

Ooh.

Oh god.

(soft reverent music)

Oh god, it's like marinated with soya sauce, garlic.

It's like a foodgasm in my mouth.

So good.

It's like someone grabbed my taste buds

and said, "Who's your daddy?"

(grunts) Skip my taco truck.

Tastes like Kobe beef.

- You're not gon' take this are you, Gill?

- That son of a bitch is gonna die.

- And they're slammed with business

like you wouldn't believe, Gill.

- God, that's all I need

12 years buildin' a taco chain

to lose it to a drive-by taco truck.

- We gon' go over there and crypt walk on 'em.

Ain't we, Gill? - That's right.

- I want them dead.

Well competitively like do capitalism.

What I'm saying is I'm angry.

Better check this out.

- What? - We're gonna check it out.

♪ Since she broke my heart ♪

♪ I'll never sleep the same ♪

- Okay, cholos.

We have had a banner year.

We eliminated the church that was sellin' the tacos

and we got rid of the gang that was selling the cookies.

- The Girl Scouts?

- Bunch of little girls, they screamed a lot?

Yeah, that's the ones.

Well anyway, they're gone.

But Taco Ghando knows that in this environment to survive,

you have to crush the competition

and that's just what we're gonna do.

And our competition is right across the street, Taco Dollar.

And by the time we're done with them,

their dollar will be devalued like the Mexican peso.

(group applauding)

(chuckles) 'Cause the peso is what you guys use for money.

It's pathetic.

But to get you goin', I have some incentives

if we make our projections for this quarter.

- Incentives and bonuses work for me.

- Hey jefe, I prepared a comprehensive

PowerPoint presentation.

Can we dim the lights?

- Don't ever say comprehensive to me again, okay?

Okay, so who likes a timeshare in Utah?

Who likes fresh powder?

All right, you guys probably never seen snow.

All right, okay.

All right, how 'bout this: Donny & Marie in concert?

- Aw, hell yeah!

Hey man that Maria, she is firme.

- She kinda looks like a chola

when she puts her hair up, eh?

- Hey, I'd hit that for sure, my boy.

- Okay okay, never talk about Marie that way.

Your dirty brown skin

will never touch her virgin white flesh.

That is a new rule.

No thinking about Marie Osmond naked

with your dirty brown skin on her, okay?

- Hey, what he don't know won't hurt him.

- [Bruce] Hey, I hear you

because you're only three feet away.

- Here's the scenario: you two are undercover

as a hot hungry couple and you want his meat bad.

- I want his what?

- Did I say meat?

Sorry, my bad.

My porn days are creepin' up on me.

Okay, you gimme the 411:

price, menus, customers, got it?

- No.

- No? - No?

- It's not in my job description.

- 'Kay, all right.

Here you go.

Split it between both of you.

Change your uniforms and go spy.

(sirens wailing)

- Great job in getting us some extra cash.

Starting a new semester next summer.

- Oh, what are you studying?

- Lemme give you a hint:

We are live in Huntington Park investigating a taco truck

that might be selling more than just tacos.

- A news reporter?

- Yes, broadcasting major.

- Oh.

You gonna interview me

when my taco shop gets really big and famous?

- I will interview you.

- Looks like Charlie's in the wire.

(retro jive music)

(intriguing drumming)

- Hi, welcome to Taco Ghando.

I'm Bruce.

First time here?

- Yeah. - Great.

- Taco Ghando, what a great name.

Why?

- Oh, well I did wanna name it Taco Gandhi.

But some guy up in Berkeley already registered the name,

so Taco Ghando.

But I love Gandhi and I think he's one of the best guys

who's ever died.

Oh, you like my logo?

Yeah, I have a foundation community-oriented.

I'm tryin' to give at-risk youth a second chance, you know?

- I don't think that's a youth.

I know he has three and he owes child support.

- Just one second, okay?

Hey Spider, back to work.

We have new customers here.

Now the big long-term plan is to have a fleet of taco trucks

throughout Southern California.

Here we grow again. (chuckles)

- That's a McDonald's slogan.

- No, it's not.

No, it's not. - What I think...

- Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

I said it first.

I was in the bar when I said it,

so I'm willing to go to court to prove it.

- So do you have any lingua?

- Yes, marinated cows on your own special sauce.

Guapo Loco.

You better be manning that grill, bathos.

Hey, would you guys like some free t-shirts?

How 'bout that?

You're both very attractive,

so I'd love for you to have some.

(intriguing jazz music)

- What's up?

- I think Taco Dollar just declared war.

- I like war.

- Well yeah, of course you do.

You're Mexican.

You're a violent people, that's why I hired you.

- Didn't you guys come over here?

- Yeah, don't blame us, you know?

'Cause you couldn't handle it.

- No, I'm talkin' about the taco truck.

- Oh.

Yeah yeah yeah. - Okay.

- All right, get your arm off me please.

- Oh, did you guys have a nice little visit?

Oh wow, t-shirts.

- Gill, they can't even park there.

Why are you worried?

- I'm worried because food is a battle and I'm a general

and a good general always worries.

I played a general once.

I made a camel cry.

Now it looked like I was drillin' for oil the whole time.

(chuckles) You know what I'm sayin'?

Did it in one take.

One.

I'll never look at a camel the same way ever.

(camel vocalizing)

Mighty Mac, Quesadilla, start scrubbin'.

I wanna get an A.

- Call me, boss?

- I talked about that roach coach across the way.

- [Eve] Oh, they can't park that thing there.

- No, I called the cops.

They can park there.

- But you can't have a taco truck

parked within 50 feet of a restaurant.

- Yeah, in our city.

If they parked in another city.

They found a legal loophole.

- Uh-uh. - Yeah.

- That smells good.

New recipe?

- No, it's our competition.

- Uh-uh.

Mm-hmm.

- Try it.

(retro jive music)

- Mmm. - You see what I'm sayin'?

It's good.

They got a secret recipe.

I'm gonna have a secret recipe.

- We need a secret recipe.

- We need a secret recipe like now.

- What do we have here, couple of Mexican food connoisseurs

or corporate spies?

You had your employees spying on me.

- What?

- I really hate spies.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Very rude.

Have you met Mad Dog Tony?

- His name's not Mad Dog Tony.

That's Gerardo.

He used to work for me.

Too bad I fired him

'cause he took too many toilet paper rolls and ketchup.

- That guy?

That's Spider.

He used to be my ex-fry cook.

Yeah, but I had to fire him too.

You know why?

Because he never washed his hands.

(retro jive music) (Spider exhaling)

I called him Mr. E. coli.

- Remember me?

- [Eve] I remember you.

You never called me back.

- I remember you.

- El Guapo Loco.

So pretty it hurts.

He's a male model.

Never made it.

- I've done some runway ad print work.

- Yeah, for three years in prison.

- Okay, well now they work for me

and we have a terrific location

just across the street from you.

So Mad Dog Tony, why don't you go ahead

and just mark your territory?

(retro jive music)

(zipper buzzing)

- What?

(urine trickling)

What the hell is he doing?

(urine trickling) (Mad Dog Tony wincing)

- Damn.

- Really somethin' else, huh?

- Honey, you need to drink more water.

- My god, it's like "Secretariat."

- That's for firin' me.

- That's a good dog, Mad Dog.

So now that I have your attention,

just wanna let you know that we are at war with Taco Dollar

and the war will end when we close you down.

Back to base, cholos. (snaps)

- What the hell?

- Where's the backup?

- 'Bout to clean this place!

- [Eve] Calm down, remember your pressure.

- God.

Smokes, grow some balls please.

- Sorry, Gill.

- Stop eatin' my food.

He pissed on my foot.

(dark foreboding music)

- This is war and they fired the first shot.

Now Mad Dog Tony has the power right there in his hands.

- What the hell is that?

- I stole it from a military lab.

I used to be a custodian.

I call it Ebola.

- Chemical warfare, my amigos.

Go ahead, release it.

(dark foreboding music)

(crowbar clanking) (door creaking)

(intense orchestral music)

(rat squeaking)

(camera clicking) (funky rhythmic music)

- (laughs) And it's still funny.

- Hey, Old School.

- What's happenin'?

- When a girl's married, which finger is the ring finger?

- Well traditionally the wedding band

is worn on the left hand.

The vena amoris was said to be

directly connected to the heart,

a symbol of love on the left side of the body.

(claps) Left hand.

- Learn all that in prison?

- I read an encyclopedia back to front, front to back,

back to front and I learned to make a great Merlot

outta raisins and a toilet bowl.

- Thanks, Old School.

- Anytime, homie.

(smooth soul music)

- 'Sup, Oscar?

Whoa, what happened to you?

- My brother hit me.

- Hey, Mighty Mac.

- Yo, what's up, Smokes?

- C'mere.

- Damn, Oscar.

Dude, who got a hold of you, Chris Brown?

- Did you hit him?

- Yeah, but it was an accident.

Here, look dude.

I'm sorry, man.

Here.

I got you a burrito for you and your two buddies here.

- You know, my teacher almost called CPS.

I'm not goin' to foster care because of your ass, okay?

- Whoa, whoa.

Settle down, bro.

No one's goin' to foster care.

- You better treat me for the rest of the week, you fat ass.

- [Mighty Mac] Hey.

- Let's go. (snaps)

- That's not nice.

What is this, the Sharks versus the Jets?

What's goin' on?

(smooth soul music) (both chattering)

- What's up, ese? - Whoa.

- Added you on Facebook.

- 'Kay?

- I poked you, foo.

Gotta go.

Better accept my friend request.

- Okay.

- See ya later.

- All right?

- You should put some highlights in your hair.

It'll bring out your eyes.

♪ Use it ♪

♪ If you do your song ♪

♪ Losin' my love ♪

♪ Scooby-dooby kinda love ♪ (phone ringing)

- I'll get it. - Yeah.

Go get that please.

Don't you say one goddamn thing to me.

- [Smokes] Thanks for coming to Taco Dollar.

- Thank you.

(smooth soul music)

- You know, it's almost lunchtime.

- I have to finish cleaning up.

- Well just for a little lunch,

I bought this really delicious dish.

It's called a Cemita and it's bomb.

Eat, rest.

The dinner crowd is gonna kick your ass.

You gotta eat something.

- Okay, let's see what you can cook up.

So what's up with the guy who mumbles all the time?

What's his deal?

- Mugres, he used to be a luchador.

- What?

- Mexican wrestler.

His name was Omar Goverde.

If he had the suit on and the mask,

you'd probably recognize him.

- So did he get messed up in the ring?

- No, motorcycle accident.

No helmet.

- Oh.

- A lotta people like make up reasons

as to how he got messed up.

Some claim it was drugs.

- That's even more messed up.

- Not really.

I mean they pay him to come speak at high schools.

A drug counselor comes and tells the kids

how drugs messed up Mugres.

And then he speaks and it scares the hell outta the kids.

It's really funny.

- So is that his girlfriend?

- Oh, Amber?

No, I don't know.

- Mmm, oh my god.

That's a good torta.

- Oh, it's not a torta.

It's called a Cemita.

- So good.

- It's from Mojacar.

That's where my grandma was both.

(Susie chuckling softly)

You really like my Cemita?

- (chuckles softly) Mmm, I really love your meat.

(Susie chuckling)

- Uh.

(romatic soul music)

♪ Kiss my baby ♪

- How're you doin', kid?

- I've been missing you.

(drink slurping)

Things just aren't the same.

- Nah, T.

You don't get it.

I'm a taco man.

Hand-cut lettuce, tomato, cheese.

Smell of tortillas.

I love the smell of grease in the morning.

I chose tacos, you chose music.

You got a career.

- But I don't have you.

- No, you don't.

But we'll always have that wild weekend at Rosarito.

- That weekend changed my life.

- That's the ecstasy talking.

You chose music.

I chose tacos.

Now get outta here before I beg you to stay.

♪ Love ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ When I hold her ♪

♪ My heart is glad ♪

♪ I know ♪

- Today was supposed to be the day that I quit Taco Dollar

and start my own taco shop.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I was gonna take a year off

with all the money that I saved up.

I had a perfect location

near a medical marijuana dispensary.

My mom lost her job so I had to give her some of my savings

just so that we could keep the house.

My dream can wait.

- So what about your dad?

- That dick

walked out on me and my mom when I was five.

- So you don't talk to him anymore?

- No.

- You're a really good cook.

So good.

- I know, I'd make a great wife.

- Mm-hmm.

(Smokes chuckling)

Yes, you would.

- Oh my god, it's so good.

- It's too quiet in there.

They may be dumb as dirt,

but we shouldn't underestimate them.

- Should we kick it up?

- Let's heat this war up.

- You two just might be executive material.

Well like junior executives.

You know, after an intern program maybe.

- [Might Mac] "Titanic 3."

Are you serious, guys?

That's not even a real movie.

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

- Dude, your bootleg is bootleg.

- [Eve] (shouts) Rat, rat!

- "Titanic 2" is when they were lookin' for the boat

and "Titanic 3" is when they found it

and glued it back together.

You need to download Netflix.

- Nate Holmes, city health inspector.

I'm here to see Gill.

- Hey inspector, we've been inspecting you.

I mean expecting you.

Yeah, lemme grab Gill for you.

He's right around back.

Why don't you just take a seat?

Okay.

(soft whimsical music)

- How's it goin'?

Wanna buy some movies?

- You got that Sean John?

- I got that Sean P Carter.

That's Puffy and Jay-Z.

You could smell like two rappers.

- West side.

- I'm used to smellin' like two wrappers.

Like a burger wrapper and a toilet seat cover wrapper.

- [Amber] Oh yeah, I get it.

You're a health inspector.

- Yeah.

- Dude, we still have a copy of you know what?

- What? - Shh.

Take the counter, we'll take the rat.

- Rat?

Eww, what?

- Shut your pretty mouth please.

- Eww.

- Nate, how are you?

- Please Gill, Inspector Holmes.

- Wow, can I talk to you about somethin' in my office?

- [Nate] Make it fast.

I wanna go somewhere and get somethin' to eat.

- 'Kay, this is whack.

- Yeah?

Churn this little rat into butter.

- Get him.

Go on, rat.

Go on.

(teeth gnawing) (rat squeaking)

Whoa!

Whoa, man!

This thing's on steroids.

(teeth gnawing) (rat squeaking)

- How big is this thing?

- What?

(eerie foreboding music)

Dude, we're gonna need a bigger broom.

- No, we're gonna need weapons.

- Yeah.

- All right, guys.

C'mon, what's goin' on?

- Well those idiots haven't caught the rat yet.

- Eww, serious? (funky ringtone)

Ooh.

- Gross. - Sweet address.

- Yes?

Today?

Okay.

No, it's just things are kinda crazy around here today.

Well of course I wanna see you.

Okay.

(purrs) I'm not wearing any calzones. (chuckles)

(Eve panting)

(chuckles) Yes, looking forward to meeting you too.

(Eve chuckling)

- That your (clears throat)?

- Yes, it was my (clears throat).

- (clears throat) What?

- Nothing.

- You know the one I was telling you about, my cat daddy.

We've been chatting and texting.

- Excuse me, girls.

Gotta get back to the exciting fast foodage.

- Oh my god.

- Finally gonna get to meet him.

(whisk scraping) (Smokes sighing)

- What's up?

- It's crazy out there, man.

Old School, I need some advice.

- You got it.

What do you need?

- I like this girl and I wanna ask her out.

- You mean the new girl.

- Yeah.

- My advice is this: ask her out only once.

- Why only once?

- Because if you ask your coworker out more than once,

it's considered sexual harassment

and you'll get sued or fired.

- You read that in the encyclopedia?

- No, it's in the guard manual at Chino prison.

So ask her out in a sincere, respectable manner.

- Cool.

- Did you do a background check?

Did you make sure he's not a pedophile?

- Pedophile?

Girl, I got a goldfish.

I don't want him messin' with my pets.

- Oh man.

It took me years to make love to a woman after prison

and my first had a buzz cut.

- No, a pedophile.

P-E-D.

- Oh, like pedicure.

Mmm, I like it when a man suck on my toes.

- Called her Bob.

I made her do my laundry and then the bitch left me

for a woman. (chuckles)

I am funny.

- Are you sayin' blackground or background?

- [Susie] Back.

- I'ma go google it.

Thanks for the tip, baby.

- (sighs) Okay.

♪ Darling ♪

- [Eve] Yes.

Enjoy your meal.

(Eve gasping)

- Eve?

- Osvaldo. (chuckles)

- Hey.

Wow.

Oh hey, for you.

- (gasps) Ooh, I never got roses before.

- You got 'em now.

- (sniffs) Mmm, wow.

In your picture, it seems like your hair was darker.

- Oh, it's an old picture.

- You were taller.

- Camera has inches.

- Huh? - That too.

That too.

But they can add pretty.

- Ooh.

- And you're pretty.

- Oh, Osvaldo.

Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Why don't we go sit down and talk?

- Sure.

- Get to know each other. - Yeah.

- Yeah, I'll look into this taco truck.

- Think they may be sellin' drugs too

and maybe some terrorist activity.

- Really?

- I know for a fact they're not washin' their hands.

- Now that's serious.

I hate non-handwashers.

(Nate shouting in foreign language)

Now let's talk about your establishment.

- Wait. (chuckles)

I got a little treat for you.

Have it.

- Ooh.

- [Gill] Rolled on the thighs of virgins.

- Oh.

(Nate sniffing)

(exhales) Cuban cigars.

- Taco Dollar make you holla.

- Gill, are you tryin' to bribe me?

- No, c'mon.

Nate, c'mon.

No, are you kiddin' me?

I was given three boxes of Cuban cigars.

What am I gonna do with three boxes of Cuban cigars?

I thought you'd like one.

- This does not predetermine your inspection.

- No, Nate.

Come on, 'course not.

(singers vocalizing) (smooth romantic music)

- What's up? - Huh?

Oh, Eve's with her man and he just brought her flowers.

- Aww, flowers.

Women like simple things.

- Simple things?

Okay, I have to hear this.

- Walking them home, opening doors.

You know, chivalrous acts.

Concert tickets, a foot massage or two.

Not that I have a foot fetish or anything.

You know, just let her know that you care.

♪ Do you know why ♪

- They seem to be really hitting it off.

(Eve chuckling)

- So who taught you all this, a woman?

- My mother.

♪ And do you play ♪

- I thought that after high school

you would at least have one kid by now.

- No, my mom raised me alone

and I didn't wanna put my kids through that.

What about you?

I thought you'd be in some sorority

dating some frat douche by now.

- My parents are undocumented

and I didn't find out until I applied for a scholarship.

- Bummer.

- Can you believe that?

A 4.0 and it doesn't even matter.

Kinda the reason why I'm here.

♪ Don't break it off with me ♪

- This is incredible.

- Yes.

- Right? (chuckles)

- (chuckles) I mean your looks are just icing on the cake.

- Oh sweetie, I don't even care about your looks.

I mean we get along so well,

I'm already turned on by your insides.

- Aww.

Well I wanna talk about the person I used to be.

- No. (hums)

- All right.

- Nope. (vocalizes)

No no no. (chuckles) - All right, filibuster.

- Honey, I have dated some truly crunchy, crusty characters.

- Yeah.

- You're not a serial killer, are you?

- Well it's gotta be more than one, right?

♪ Please don't hurt me ♪

- Joke.

- You, you. - Yes, yes.

- See?

You're so funny.

- Thanks.

- You're already ahead of the game, lemme tell ya.

And you're not married.

Honey, I dated a married guy

who was a polygamist and a liar.

- Whoa.

I just gotta explain a little...

(Eve vocalizing)

- Such soft lips.

No, shh.

No no no.

Stop all of that talking right now.

- Okay.

- Stop.

Daddy. - Mm-hmm?

- What you don't understand

is I'm not interested in your past.

Papi, I'm only interested in your here (grunts) and now.

- I heard you might need some pest control.

I just hope your rat doesn't end up

on our side of the street.

- How'd you know it was a rat?

- I'm psychic.

Mad Dog here's psychotic.

(Mad Dog Tony growling)

- You guys should've never messed with fire.

- You should've never left your sewers.

Now get outta my restaurant

and go back to your prepackaged food,

heat lamps and desperation

because we serve fresh ingredients here.

- Wow, that was beautiful.

But you know what?

Now we can add fresh rat to your ingredients.

(snaps) Let's go, bitches.

Wow, I'm really frustrated how you don't move when I snap.

Like we work on this.

- God, I am going to kill him.

- Yeah, I don't blame you.

You know, Old School Eddie knows people.

- No, not him.

We killed a rat.

Idiot. - Got it.

- [Gill] God, Smokes.

I'm so alone sometimes.

(Susie speaking softly)

- Thanks.

- Gracias.

- Good job.

- Thanks.

- So Susie.

- Yeah?

(rhythmic dance music)

- Oh no, it's the investors.

(fingers snapping)

- Is this love that I'm feeling?

- Just feel it.

- Is this love? - Ooh.

- You like it.

(both chuckling)

- Sorry, the investors are here.

- Ooh, already? - Yeah.

- Osvaldo, I'll be right back.

- [Osvaldo] Okay.

- What the hell?

- Son?

- Oh, you guys already know each other.

What?

Did you just call Smokes son?

Hold that thought.

- What's up, man?

- So we hangin' out?

- No, I'm not gay.

- The hell?

You think I'm gay?

You're the queer, you want me.

Besides, what's wrong with you wanting me?

You're the one that wants to hook up.

- Relax Sox, okay?

I think I'm havin'... - You're the one

hitting up on me.

You're like bi-cholo curious, I can tell.

- Bi-cholo what?

- Tank tops turn you on, eh?

- Mr. Singh (speaks in foreign language).

Malcolm X. (chuckles)

- Ladies, sit.

(soft rhythmic music)

Sweetie, that's Arabic.

I'm Indian.

It's like getting a Mexican and a Cuban mixed up.

Somebody is bound to get offended.

- I am so sorry.

I didn't mean to offend.

Look, I Indian

and I did enjoy the movie "Dances with Wolves."

So I just wanted to let you know, I'm Sue.

Got Indian in my family, see?

I got good hair.

- Where do I begin?

First of all, lemme guess store-bought.

- Well it's from India.

- I have an eye for hair.

I think that that is Filipino.

You got gypped.

(both laughing)

Shut up.

- Rogelio.

- Don't call me that.

- Calm down, son.

- Would you quit with this son crap?

Don't call me that!

- Hey, show a little respect to your father, okay?

- These are my wives and associates.

- Okay, let's just start over.

I'm sorry.

I'm Eve, the manager and I welcome you all

to our profitable taco establishment. (chuckles)

- [Mr. Singh] They don't talk to strangers.

(rat squeaking)

- You think you're somethin', son?

Think you're a gangster rat?

You're messin' with the wrong cheese.

- Where's Gill?

- Oh, well he's talking to the health inspector right now.

- Oh, there's a health inspector here.

- Nothing to worry about.

No need at all.

Just a routine health inspection.

- [Quesadilla] This rat's messin' with my head, man.

You want some of this?

(teeth chomping) (both screaming)

(rat squeaking)

- As a matter of fact.

(both screaming) (rat squeaking)

- Die, die!

- In fact, there's a matter of...

(both screaming) (rat squeaking)

(bat smashing)

We're so healthy around here.

Zagat gave us a prize.

- (huffs) I'm quite familiar with Zagat,

but I didn't know that they were giving away prizes.

- You didn't know Zagat gave?

You of all people didn't know Zagat gave prizes.

- They don't. - It's about the

zig-Zagat prize.

Susie!

Could you please bring this gentleman

and his lovely wives

some of our award-winnin' tacos? (chuckles)

- You walk out on my mom

and now you're tryin' to date my boss

like you're some kinda catch?

- You know what?

I think I'm gonna go.

- You're good at that.

- You know, I think you owe me a little respect.

- Oh man, dude.

Are you okay?

- Dude, he infected me, man.

Probably have like rabies or bubonic plague, scabies, man.

HPV.

- Listen to yourself, man okay?

The HPV, that's the human papillomavirus.

It's an STD.

- You mean I have to wear a condom for the rest of my life

when I have sex, man?

I'm gonna kill that rat, dude.

- No, relax!

- He infected and humiliated me, Mac.

Just like my last girlfriend.

- It's okay, buddy.

(Quesadilla weeping)

Come here.

It's okay.

We'll get him.

We'll get him.

(rhythmic hip-hop music)

(Quesadilla weeping)

It's okay, it's okay.

I'm here.

(Eve chuckling)

- Thank you, Eve.

Thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you. - Thank you.

- Thank you.

- All right, bye bye now.

- Hi. - How are you?

- Good, how are you?

- Oh, a polite one. (chuckles)

That's a change.

- What do you know about respect?

- I might be your father,

but I'm not afraid of kickin' your ass.

- Bring it on!

- You Americans are so funny.

But are you really American?

Where are you from? (chuckles)

Do you wanna get married?

- No.

- [Mr. Singh] How are your hips?

- Good, good.

- [Mr. Singh] Not too wide.

Good.

- You know what?

You definitely needed a father figure, you spoiled punk.

- Have a seat.

Come back anytime.

(hand slapping)

Shut up.

Eat.

- I hate you!

(fist bashing) (Osvaldo wincing)

- Stop, Smokes!

What the?

Smokes. - Whoa whoa whoa.

- Now I'm happy.

- Your mother walked out on me.

- What, why?

- Look, I loved your mother, all right?

She's not perfect.

She has a gambling problem.

That's why she left me.

- Just get the hell out of here.

You know nothing about her.

- Excuse me, Eve.

This doesn't affect us, does it?

- You lowlife wannabe!

- It's not my fault! - No no no.

Break it up!

- Stop it!

Calm the hell down!

The hell is goin' on?

Fightin' with customers?

Are they complainin' about my cooking?

- I'll explain later.

- Please don't fire my son.

- Your son?

- He's your dad?

- Yeah, he walked out on me.

- I tried to contact your mother again.

I tried to make things right.

I hope one day you can find the truth,

hope you can forgive me.

Oh yeah and this is for the cheap shot.

(fist bashing) (Eve gasping)

Hope you can forgive me for that too.

- Osvaldo.

- Where's she goin'?

- Eve's been dating Smokes' dad.

They've kinda been dating online.

- We've been sexting.

We've never actually done it.

We send each other buttnaked pictures, that's all.

- Gill, I'm sorry I lost it, man.

You can't fire me.

My mom.

- Calm down, I'm not gonna fire you. (winces)

- Gill.

- [Smoke] You okay?

- (winces) Just my ulcer.

- C'mon, I got medicine.

C'mon, c'mon. - All right, all right.

- Ow.

- Are you okay?

- [Eve] You need to lay off them tortillas.

Damn.

- What happened to you?

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

- They wouldn't let us sell our DVDs

at that raggedy lunch truck.

- What, so they beat Mugres up?

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

- And they took our merchandise.

- Wanna get back at those a-holes?

- Hell yeah.

Let's open up a can of whoop ass.

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

(funky rhythmic music)

- You two an item?

- What?

- Oh, you guys are homo homies.

It's cool.

I'll leave.

I'm not a homewrecker.

- Actually as a matter of fact, yes.

Q and I are homo homies, right Q?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I'm sorry, Sox.

I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea.

- It's cool.

I'll leave then.

- [Mighty Mac] All right, buddy.

- But first, kiss.

- I'm sorry, what?

- You heard me, foo!

- But. - But nothin'.

Kiss her, man.

I'ma jump over this counter

and beat both of y'all down.

You're gonna kiss or I'll tear you guys apart.

- Like a kiss on the cheek?

- Am I the guy or the girl?

- If you two go out, I wanna see proof.

Kiss.

- Are you bein' for real right now?

- Yeah, come on, man.

We don't want trouble.

All right, I'm the guy.

- Whatever, dude.

- Yeah.

(lips smooching)

- What in the hell's goin' on?

- Shh.

They're kissing.

- I should've never let them work the night shift together.

- Don't look.

No no no.

Those two need a room.

I'm not against their lifestyle.

I went to British boarding school after all. (chuckles)

But I wanted a family-style restaurant.

- Mr. Singh, we just need one day to regroup.

- Oh Gill, you need more than regrouping.

- Yes.

Yes, sir.

- Kiss him again with some lingua.

- Tongue?

- You know he like it.

♪ Whoa ♪

- Oh, you missed a button.

No, made you look.

Kidding. (chuckles)

It's a little joke.

- It's Indian humor

(both chuckling)

- Go.

- Can I get you three of our world-famous wet tacos?

- Why not?

- Quesadilla, three wet tacos!

(retro romantic music)

♪ Here comes happiness ♪

- What's a wet taco?

- Taco wet would be, you know?

- [Mr. Singh] What?

- Well the taco resembles in many respects.

♪ Here comes happiness ♪

(Sox whimpering)

- [Mrs. Singh] Is it safe for children?

- No, no.

Well children come from there.

(saliva squishing) (Mighty Mac wincing)

- There, foo.

That didn't hurt.

(Quesadilla gagging)

I knew you weren't gay.

You shoulda just told me.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ There goes loneliness ♪

- Not a word. - Shh.

- Ah, I remember London.

- All right, let's see.

We got workers viciously injured by a rat, that's not good.

Brie not thrown in the trash.

Two men kissing at the counter, not good but not illegal.

That cholo's wearin' a hairnet.

That's good, but he does not work here.

- Is that all?

- It's very serious.

I could shut you down.

- Will you?

- No, I'm gonna give you one more chance, Gill.

One last shot, all right?

Now I'm gonna leave you here, go to a nice clean restaurant,

have lunch in a place that not gonna gimme botulism

and then I will return.

And when I do return,

if I find that this place is 1/2 as bad as it is right now,

then I will have to shut you down.

Tellin' you, this has gotta be the unsafest restaurant

that I have ever visited.

(Gill wincing)

No wonder this place is so friggin' empty.

- Gill, are you okay?

- (winces) No, nothing's okay.

That damn taco truck's takin' my customers.

It's empty.

(singers clapping)

(intriguing Spanish music)

(cat yowling)

Operation: This is pussy.

- The hell is that?

- I got it at a Siamese cat fighting ring.

- Really?

- Yeah, it's not as popular as dog fights in Bangkok,

but it's growing.

Watch your fingers.

- Nice.

- Dog Bite.

(cat yowling)

Go get 'em, Dog Bite.

- Oh oh. - Yeah yeah.

(all groaning) (cat yowling)

- That is a fight!

That did it, man.

That thing is nasty!

(both groaning) (intriguing Spanish music)

- See?

It's a head of a cat looks like that, eww.

(all groaning)

(valve squeaking) (propane hissing)

He's wearin' it like a mask!

(Gill grunting)

He's wearin' it.

It's like Hannibal Lecter.

(both groaning)

(Bruce sniffing)

- (grunts) Hey, somethin' smells weird.

Spider, go check around

and make sure nobody's smoking the Mota.

Guys don't know what it's like to be in charge

of a big business like that.

You gotta stay on top all the time. (sniffs)

- Damn rats!

We're gonna need a bigger cat.

(intriguing Spanish music)

(propane hissing)

(knob clicking) (truck exploding)

(alarm wailing)

(Spider shouting)

(fist bashing)

- Recycle that, homie.

(Smokes wincing)

- What the hell?

Did Osvaldo do that to you?

- No.

No, it was a rave from the grease wagon.

- Oh, it's like that.

Okay here, look.

Stop the swelling.

(Smokes wincing)

(vocalizes) Man up.

- Thank you.

Just wish it wasn't punch-Smokes-in-the-face day.

- Aww sweetie, I'm sorry.

If you don't mind me asking,

when was the last time you actually saw him?

- Who, my supposed dad?

I think at a little league game when I was nine.

He was hiding in the bleachers, but I knew he was there.

- Hiding?

- Fair.

- [Gill] What?

- Looks like Thug Life went Tupac.

- Oh my god, I spent a lotta money on that cat.

I bought it from Michael VicK's cousin

and that's half pitbull.

I. (winces)

- Gill,

you okay?

- No.

Do I look okay, you idiot? (winces)

- I'll get a doctor.

I'll get a doctor.

- It's on, it's on.

I'm too young to die.

I got so much to live for.

I got my own fuck it list.

- No, Gill.

You're not gonna die, 'kay?

I'll call 9-1-1.

- Smokes, promise me you won't screw things up.

- What?

I don't screw things up.

- Smokes, look after our new investors.

So stressed out.

God. (winces) - Yeah, Gill.

I promise.

- Don't gimme mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

or try to revive me.

I have an open sore.

- You have an open sore in your mouth?

- No, not in my mouth.

So you could even give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

That's okay.

C'mon.

- I've never.

I don't know, help.

- Someone.

Someone save my life now.

Come on. (breathes heavily)

Watch it, I'll die.

- Okay.

- Don't screw it up. - This is wrong.

(Smokes vocalizing)

- Where's the ambulance?

- It's this damn hood.

This damn hood!

Probably drive myself to the hospital.

- Smokes?

Smokes.

- I'm right here.

- Thanks for giving me the mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

You got soft lips.

- So.

(pots clanking)

You think Gill will be okay?

- Yeah, I hope so.

- You actually got into a fight and didn't get fired?

- Yeah, it was with my dad.

Luckily, Gill had a bad relationship with his dad too.

- Right.

Did you fight in front of Susie?

- Yeah, why?

- Well it's either gonna make you look like a real tough guy

or a dysfunctional lowlife with deep-seeded issues.

(grill scraping)

- Cheers.

(retro soul music)

- What're you doin' this weekend?

- Looking for a second job.

I have to pay for school.

- Thought you'd be with your boyfriend or somethin'.

- I don't have a boyfriend.

- Cool.

Not cool that you don't have a boyfriend

because you should.

You need a manly...

You deserve a boyfriend because you're so pretty.

I'm just gonna go back here.

- All right.

Sorry 'bout your father.

I swear I didn't know,

but I broke it off with him anyway.

- Why, because he's a dick?

- No because you're my boy.

Your dad's not a dick.

He's actually a nice guy and he says he loves you.

- He said that?

- Man, of course.

He's a good guy.

And between me and you, I think he deserved what he got.

- So you gonna see him again?

- Nah.

When it comes to love, I'm like the Clippers: a born loser.

- Well the Clippers don't lose all the time.

- Yeah?

Well they never won the championship

and I say the championship is marriage.

Smokes, it's like my life is just passin' me by.

I don't wanna be a Clipper.

I don't wanna be a Clipper all the time.

- Well who does?

I'd rather be a Laker,

but they can lose too.

- What are you making?

- Some poop juice.

- Are you aware that your dad is the first man

I have ever dated in my entire life

that didn't have a criminal record?

Do you even get it?

Yeah, well just poop on that.

- Why do I always screw up?

I don't get it.

A bunny.

- We heard about Gill.

We didn't want this to get out of hand.

But Gill represents the old way, the old mom and pop shops.

He's regular mail versus email.

He's DVDs versus downloads.

He's 8-tracks versus MP3s.

- What's 8-track?

- Think my primo's from 8-track.

- Shh.

- I think we might have a problem here.

- What if there is, ese?

(shoes squeaking)

What are you gonna do about it?

- Nothing?

I was just posing a hypothetical question.

- Don't waste our time with hypotheticals.

- Okay.

- Because I'm the real deal, okay?

I am the new way.

I'm corporate.

I'm not pathetic.

But we're gonna give you a break, okay?

A truce, just 'til Gill gets back.

- We don't need a break.

- Yeah, we had a break like 23 minutes ago.

- Besides you know, this is gonna beat your tacos any day.

This is our new secret recipe, just try it.

(Bruce sighing)

- We'll see 'bout that.

(smooth blues music)

Not bad.

What's in it?

- Special marinated beef.

- Is that whole whack of mole?

So chocolate taste.

Hint of pine nuts in there maybe.

- You know, mole's been around since the Aztec days.

- That's why they lost the war.

But you,

you could be a leader.

You got executive written all over you.

Now I know you're loyal to Gill, but things change.

I mean you never know what's gonna happen.

Maybe there's a grease fire, Gill's not here.

That could be bad and I know you know about fires, Smokes.

Right back there, big stack of newspapers.

Propane tank, boom!

"Mommy, I'm burning."

Not my problem.

You know what, your taco?

Nothin' special.

Guackenmole went out last year.

Read the trades.

(stomach grumbling)

(winces) Okay, a quick question about them.

Is there cheese in the taco?

'Cause I'm lactose intolerant. (farts)

There is?

Okay, well. (winces)

Ow.

Okay, here I go.

I can make it.

I can't make it.

I'm not gonna make it. (farts)

(Bruce coughing)

Oh god.

- Hey boss, you all right?

- No, I don't know what was in that taco,

but I got it comin' out both ends.

Careful, my appendix might be in there.

(sighs) You messed with the wrong gringo.

(stomach rumbling)

Bring the bucket back.

- So what're you doin' after work?

- I'm leavin' early today.

I gonna visit my mama's grave.

Yeah, she died on this very day five years ago.

I was a prick when she died.

- Sorry, man.

You goin' alone?

- I'm the only one left, pal.

- Don't you have a girlfriend?

- There's not a lotta women

who wanna go out with an ex-convict workin' the grill.

- That's not true.

You're a great guy.

You served your time.

- Actually, I got out early 'cause the state was broke.

- You were innocent, right?

- No, I was guilty as hell.

I just hope nobody ever runs my DNA.

- Okay, so, then you load the roll and then press.

- You press this button.

- Correct, yeah.

Sorry it's not rocket science, Miss 4.0.

- No, it's not.

- That's the register.

- Perfect.

- Can I have a word with you?

- 'Course.

Be right back.

- All right so

my mother raised me alone,

but she never gave up on herself dating.

She dated lots of good guys

and some married ones, but don't give up on love.

♪ In my heart ♪

- Thank you for that, Smokes.

- Hey, Taco Dollar.

We're here to kill.

- What are you, the ghetto ghostbusters?

- No, ratbusters and we have a killer strategy.

Say hello to my little friend.

- Hello.

- Mm-hmm, hola.

- What?

- We're gonna smoke that motha out.

(soft psychedelic music)

- Hey, Q man.

I didn't roll that thing for just a rat, okay?

Why don't you pass it over here?

- [Quesadilla] A little more.

- Yeah.

- So as I was sayin',

I got a friend who runs a dirty diaper cleanin' service,

so we took a turn in dirty diapers

and put it under that lunch truck.

- (chuckles) Nice.

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

- And then we blew all four tires

on that psycho white boy's roach coach

and now it's a doo-doo mobile.

- You're kidding me.

(Quesadilla coughing)

- It was probably those guys from Taco Ghando

who gave you guys that plague.

- What're you talkin' about?

- I saw those cholos

in the back of the store with a shoebox,

a big Shaq-foot rat-size shoebox.

- Q, did you just hear that?

(Quesadilla coughing)

I knew it was those guys.

- Taco Ghando.

(knife chopping)

- Hey Eddie, what's up?

- Hey baby.

- Ooh, I am so sorry about your mom.

- I'm not cryin' over mom.

I'm cryin' over onions.

- Sure.

- [Both] Mmm.

- (exhales) Kickin'.

- [Mighty Mac] That's good right there, Mugres.

(soft whimsical music)

- (sighs) Man.

- This guy ODed I can't believe it.

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

- Hey, Q.

Hey.

- Leave me alone, abuela.

I'm not touching myself.

Hey man, I'm paranoid and all hungry.

- Dude, he's done.

- Look it, look it.

That rat's got my cheese, man.

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

- [Quesadilla] He's got munchies too, dude.

- Come on, just let me give you a ride home after work.

- Okay, I will take you up on that offer.

- Any news on Gill?

- Oh yes, I talked to his doctor.

Just needs to rest and be stress-free.

- Stress-free.

He better stay away from here.

- He suffered a minor cardiac infarction.

- A mini fart?

- A mini heart attack.

Listen, guys.

I gotta go crunch some numbers and then give Gill a call

and tell him everything is running smoothly.

(Old School Eddie whispering)

(hands slapping)

- You're kickin' ass in here, Old School.

(retro rock music)

(machine fizzing)

Shit.

Thank you.

The health inspector is here.

Old School, keep him entertained.

Mac, Q, catch that damn rat.

(screeching feedback)

Number 34, your order's ready.

- C'mon, let's go.

- Mommy, did he say rat?

- Bacteria in lemon slices.

- Yes.

- Your dirty ice. - Mm-hmm.

- That foodborne bacteria.

That's your biggest challenge.

- Man, you are so right

and it's very difficult to detect.

You know, you should be doin' my job.

You know a lot about bacteria and E. coli.

- And the neurovirus.

That is one contagious beast.

- You've got that right.

- Hey, guys.

- Is Gill here?

- No.

- All right, well he does not need to be here.

I'm gonna go ahead and start right here in the kitchen.

- Anything I can assist with?

- Tell you what, you can call my boss.

There's a job waitin' for you.

- That is great.

I'm a convicted felon.

That is a great opportunity for me.

Thank you.

- You don't say.

- Yeah. - Gimme that.

All right.

(gun cocking)

- Die, rat!

- How's the kitchen looking, Mr. Holmes?

(gun blasting)

(Eve stuttering)

- Were those gunshots?

- No.

- No no, I'm sure it's just the door jamming.

(gun blasting)

- You need to check that door.

- Yeah, excuse me.

Q, what the hell?

- It's that rat, man.

He's in my head, man.

He's messin' with my mind, dude.

And he's in my head.

He's messin' with my mind, dude.

Told you I see him everywhere, man.

He winked at me.

- You're supposed to be watching him.

- He's in my head and everything.

He's messin' with my mind, dude.

- Q, gimme the gun.

- It's that rat, man.

- Q, gimme the gun.

- In my head.

- You're supposed to be watching him.

Where did you even get this?

- It's that rat, man.

(camera clicking) (funky rhythmic music)

- You know, you people love our drama.

- Whoa, okay.

Everybody just relax, all right?

Everything's under control.

- Okay, now it all makes sene.

The health inspector is in cahoots with Taco Dollar?

Shameful.

- No, sir.

I shut you down because I found diapers and other toxicities

under your mobile taco shop.

- Okay, well I'll have you know that I was set up.

- By whom?

- By them.

- Excuse you?

- Taco Ghando is full of shit!

- [Group] Yeah!

- That's right.

- Okay.

Little guy, you just started a battle that you can't win.

- So what's gonna happen?

- World War Tres, boop.

- Cracker, please.

- Hey.

- Not you, sir.

Not you.

I'm talkin' to the cracker with the bald head.

(smooth rhythmic music)

- Hey, I'll fight.

I know the art of Kama Sutra.

I can screw a woman so good that she'll fight for me, eh?

I need goddesses like that.

- Oh, hell no.

You ain't all that.

- I'm not fighting.

(smooth rhythmic music)

Let's go. - Hurry up!

- Yeah.

Payback means comeback for El Moco Verde.

- Moco Verde?

- Yeah, he was big in (speaks faintly).

- Amber, Susie, Eve, can you go outside please?

- Hell no.

- No. - No!

- Honey, I'm not goin' nowhere.

Forget that.

I'm throwin' down with these mighty maricon asses.

- And I can hold my own.

- Damn, impressive.

- I have balls and so should you.

- Well I have balls.

- Really?

'Cause you've been tryin' to ask me out all day.

(Smokes sighing)

- Well if I make it out alive, do you wanna go out sometime?

- Even though I don't cook,

I'm independent and lookin' to be educated?

- Especially because of that.

(Susie chuckling softly)

♪ Yes, you know ♪

- Say hello to my big friends.

- Gill, what the hell?

- I knew it'd come to this,

so I brought two of my buddies from the biz.

- But they're women.

- Not quite yet.

They're just one little procedure away from it.

(retro soul music)

Bill, Tony, let's kick some ass.

- Okay, are you the captain of this ship?

- Dude, we didn't wanna start anything with you.

- Okay look, I can either end my competition

one way or another.

- Son, is this still a bad time?

- Can someone please get my mother outta here?

- I'm here for you, ese.

- Thank you.

- I just need to prove to you

that I'm here for more than sex.

- Wow, okay.

There's people here.

- Not in my puedes.

- No, no puedes.

- Shh.

Si, se puedes.

- Don't judge.

- What's going on?

- They're tryin' to fight your son

and close my establishment.

- These putos want to rumble?

I fight crazy.

They used to call the sad girl back in the day.

- Gill, you have a bad heart.

You can't fight.

- I'm okay.

It was just a reaction to Viagra.

It's very common.

If it doesn't go down in four hours, call a doctor.

Let's go.

- El ca-vay-oh.

- Okay, beaner.

- What'd you say?

- I said let's go ahead and settle this, beaner.

(record scratching)

(fist bashing) (Bruce wincing)

(bell dinging) (retro rhythmic music)

- No no no no.

- I hate you.

- It's a race riot.

- Oh, man.

(group shouting)

(Old School Eddie speaking in foreign language)

- Protect my glasses.

(pan banging) Ooh, ow.

(fist bashing)

(chips rustling)

(Nate shouting in foreign language)

(neck cracking) (retro rhythmic music)

(both shouting)

- You gon' call me back next time?

Gon' call me back?

(retro rhythmic music)

(group shouting) (knee bashing)

- No.

I said no!

Mine, private!

(fist bashing)

(all shouting) (chip crunching)

(smooth piano music)

- Did you guys see that?

El Moco Verde is back.

Maybe it's time for you to train again.

I'ma call Don King.

- Well maybe, just maybe.

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

- Oh my god, Gill.

You can't walk?

- No no, I'm just tired and hung over.

I was partying in Vegas.

Porn convention.

(winces) Twins my back out.

Well no tacos, no investors.

We're done.

- Gill.

- Look who the rat dragged back in.

- No, look.

Look, I wanna call a truce.

- Well it's a little late for that now.

- We're both closed down, all right?

We're just fighting over our little bits of turf

like a couple of gangs,

but their gangs are fighting over food.

But similar to gangs, we're fighting.

- I one time fought over some pork chops.

(Bruce vocalizing)

- Sorry.

My point is nobody won.

What do you guys do?

(both speaking faintly)

Just never goes on.

- Mijo.

(car horn honking)

I won.

I won, I won.

Oh hell yeah, I knew it.

I lost for so many years

and finally I won the biggest poker tournament in Carson.

(soft cheerful music)

- What's this?

- Your money.

- This is 10 times more than what I gave you.

- I have a

little

tiny

gambling problem.

- But what about your job?

- I haven't had a job in 10 years.

I'm a professional gambler

and I made it big thanks to your investment.

And now I'm investing in you, mijo.

- But you told me that you quit gambling.

- I lied. (chuckles)

You need to loosen up.

Open up the taco shop you always dreamed of, Smokey.

(soft serene music)

- I have an idea.

Gill, if we combine our resources,

change the men who deliver,

we could make a killing.

- [Gill] Sellin' tacos?

- No.

Selling more than tacos.

- Hold up, so you guys are back in business?

- [All] Yeah!

- Yeah.

- Okay then, I'm gonna crush you

like so many dirty cucarachas.

Wow, okay?

The truce is off.

- Your mama.

- Your mother as well.

(camera clicking) (soft serene music)

- [Announcer] From the desert to the sea,

KULA: the most powerful name in local news.

(rhythmic Banda music)

- Rogelio Osorio known in his barrio as Smokes

is a smart young entrepreneur

who knew that there was more to life than selling tacos.

(rhythmic Banda music)

- Everybody sells tacos.

We wanted something special.

- And the owner of taco shop, Gill Travalio Ramirez,

was thinking the same thing.

- We needed somethin' special.

And talkin' about special, you're special.

I'd love to work with you.

I would love to act with you.

- Thank you.

- Man does not live on tacos alone.

I mean you have to change it up a bit.

- That's right, sister.

- This one is for you, Miss Lauren Schwartz-Lopez.

Girl, you is wearin' 'em jeans. (chuckles)

- Thank you. (chuckles)

(Mugres speaking in foreign language)

- What'd he say?

- We marinate our meat in secret spices

and serve only the freshest ingredients from local gardens.

- Yeah, if you want somethin' better

than a regular old taco.

- Yeah, so we have the Cemita.

(group vocalizing)

- [Mugres] Yummy, yummy.

- It tastes so good, leaves you speechless.

- Taco Dollar, it's definitely the new spot.

- Excuse me.

Actually I... - Get outta my shot, cupcake.

Lauren Schwartz-Lopez reporting live from Taco Dollar.

Back to you in the studio.

- Yeah.

- [Amber] Yay!

- And we're open 'til five. (chuckles)

4:20.

(smooth rhythmic music)

- [Eve] Aww.

Yay. (chuckles)

♪ I mean it's a sunny California day baby ♪

♪ Hey lemme hit that ♪

♪ Look, post livin' ♪

♪ They lovin' ♪

♪ They lovin' how we livin' ♪

♪ It's a given ♪

♪ Lovin' how we livin' ♪

♪ Bob in the feelin' ♪

♪ Feelin' like a sunny, sunny afternoon ♪

♪ Everybody eatin' heat ♪

♪ But it's still cold ♪

♪ Nobody actin' fool ♪

♪ We just tryin' to do what we do ♪

♪ How we do it in the way we do ♪

♪ West coastin' with my cholos know my locs ♪

♪ My relatives, cousins and my kin folks ♪

♪ Smokin' on a bong and it's legal ♪

♪ With the extra beat bumpin' in my wrinkle ♪

♪ It's just somethin' 'bout bein' with my people ♪

♪ Everybody enjoying this Young Gotti ♪

♪ The party popper ♪

♪ We outside of the spot and we make it pop ♪

♪ Everybody enjoyin' from inside to out ♪

♪ This is what it's about ♪

♪ We ride through the stop ♪

♪ Welcome to the taco shop ♪

- Wrote my phone number

on the bottom of that teddy bear's ass.

- (chuckles) Damn, dude.

That cholo has a crush on you, man.

You gonna give him the big Manwich?

- No, I'm gonna give you a Manwich. (chuckles)

- [Sox] You wanna fondle his fundio?

- I don't even know what fondue is,

but it's covered with great torti.

- [Sox] Fundio, not fondue.

- Cut. (chuckles) - And cut.

- Hey, nobody talks about Marie that way.

Your dirty brown skin will never touch

her virgin white flesh, you got that?

- What if I'm wearin' my safety gloves, boss?

- I don't care if you're dressed head-to-toe

in a hazmat outfit.

You will never get near her.

You're not going to the concert.

How 'bout that?

The closest you're gonna get is yard work, okay?

You might get to do her hedges.

- [Spider] Hey, if I cut the grass,

I'm gonna water the lawn.

- Don't make that into a euphemism.

It's hard to relate to you guys

'cause our cultures are different

and you talk weird, but I'm trying.

(man chuckling)

- I like war.

- Well yeah, of course you do.

You're a Mexican.

- I'm Puerto Rican.

I was born a citizen.

- Nah, Puerto Rico's not.

Dude, that's like Hawaii.

It's not a real American state.

- Thanks, boss.

- You two, you're executive material.

- What does executive mean, boss?

- It means you get to wear a suit.

- We're goin' to court?

- Cut. - Cut.

(both chuckling)

- Where'd you do your time?

- [Old School Eddie] Chino.

- Oh, you know Lou?

- [Old School Eddie] Not by name.

- Well he's got an ass about this big.

- [Old School Eddie] Oh yeah, Lou.

Of course, with the...

- Hair.

- Lou. - Kinda like a tail

except it's like I don't know.

You know those Rhodesian Ridgebacks?

They're dogs with like the hair spine.

- [Old School Eddie] Can't say I do.

- Well then you don't know Lou.

- [Old School Eddie] No.

- [Director] Cut.

- Where'd you do your time?

- [Old School Eddie] Chino.

- Chino?

You know Lou?

- [Old School Eddie] Not by name.

- Oh.

He looks a lot like me, except he's got red hair.

- [Old School Eddie] Mm-hmm.

- And half his nose is gone.

- [Old School Eddie] Mm-hmm.

- He had a bad motorcycle accident

before they had helmet laws.

- [Old School Eddie] Mm-hmm.

- God, if only he'd spilled that bike during a helmet loss.

Still havin' those.

(group chuckling)

(smooth rhythmic music)

♪ You know ♪

♪ Lotta men and women ♪

♪ Cadillac vintage ♪

♪ Life of a winner ♪

♪ The only way to get it ♪

♪ I gave my mama some cheese to pay some old debts ♪

♪ I told her don't sweat it ♪

♪ Mama go get it ♪

♪ Money in my pocket ♪

♪ Livin' like a boss like a young Rick Ross ♪

♪ Except I got a job ♪

♪ A couple days later ♪

♪ My mama wrote me off ♪

♪ She gave me everything that I gave her and more ♪

♪ Like hey miss lady ♪

♪ Do you wanna be my baby ♪

♪ What you doin' is drivin' me crazy ♪

♪ I met her at the taco shop ♪

♪ I got 'em sayin' ♪

(singers vocalizing)

♪ And the vibe is right ♪

(singers vocalizing)

♪ And the vibe is right ♪

♪ It's a new day ♪

♪ It's a new day ♪

♪ It's a new day, it's a new day ♪

♪ And we lovin' ♪

♪ You'll be lovin' how we livin' ♪

♪ Cruisin' down the block ♪

♪ Top is down and the tension's rise and gettin' hot ♪

♪ Gettin' down and we feel it ♪

♪ And the music gettin' loud ♪

♪ Gettin' down ♪

♪ You'll be lovin' how we livin' ♪

♪ Loving how we livin' ♪

♪ You'll be lovin' how we livin' ♪

♪ Cruisin' down the block ♪

♪ Top is down ♪

♪ And the temperature is rising ♪

♪ Gettin' hot, get it down ♪

♪ And we feel it in the music ♪

♪ Gettin' loud, gettin' down ♪

♪ And we're lovin' how we livin' ♪

♪ Loving how we livin' ♪

♪ You'll be lovin' how we livin' ♪

(wind whistling) (soft serene music)