Original subtitles

The retina contains

two kinds of photoreceptors...

Rods and cones.

Whoa!

I reacted the same way

when I first learned

about phototransduction.

Take that, Professor Vortex!

Echo?

- Are you hiding - a comic book in your textbook?

No, I wouldn't do that.

I'm just openly reading it.

[Derby] Shameful!

We're here to learn science.

Derby?

[theme music playing]

You're watching TV

during science?

Science, Schmience!

I'm aware of your attitude

toward this class.

Science, Schmience

- is the name of the show - I'm watching...

And happens to be

my attitude toward this class.

Welcome back

to "Science, Schmience!"

- [cheering]

- It's a science show.

- They do these cool experiments - to make learning science fun.

Like my class?

Derby?

- My mom says if you can't - say something nice,

Don't say anything...

until you can think of

a really good zinger.

So give me a minute.

Kids, I've enjoyed every one

of our 800 shows together,

but now it's time for me

to retire as host of the show.

[studio audience groans]

Derby, are you OK?

I... I can't believe it.

- He was the closest thing - I ever had

To a science teacher!

Kapow! Zinger!

♪ Goodbye, summer

hello, fall ♪

- ♪ We've been trying - to get here ♪

♪ Since we both

were barely two feet tall ♪

♪ Who you calling "kid"? ♪

♪ Who you calling "kid"? ♪

♪ Who you calling "kid"? ♪

- ♪ You can call me - what you want ♪

♪ But I won't hear a word

where I am here ♪

♪ Who you calling "kid"? ♪

I'm really upset

about this Professor Les thing.

Guys! Look who's here!

Professor Les!

Professor Les!

I'm a huge fan!

Not as big as me.

I still have my official

fan club wig I got

from sending in 50 labels

from your sponsor...

"Joe Junior:

pre-sweetened coffee for kids."

I was so excited

when it arrived,

I didn't sleep for a month!

Professor Les,

can I have your autograph?

On...

this?

Sure, kid.

I'll never wash

this face again!

- [Principal Tater] Professor Les, - this is Mr. Young,

The guy you wanted to see.

- It's a pleasure to meet - a fellow schmientist.

I'm here because

it's time for me to retire...

at least according to

the weasels at the network.

- Why they let small, - furry creatures

Make programming decisions

is beyond me.

- Anyway, I need - to find my replacement,

A fresh face!

Adam has a fresh face!

Just look...

like a baby's bottom.

Derby, you know I like

the teddy bear diapers.

So? Will you be the new host

of Science, Schmience?

[cheering]

Who's cheering?

Your new fans!

Hosting a TV show would mean

reaching a lot more kids...

showing them how fun science is.

I'll do it!

I'll be the new host of

Science, Schmience!

[cheering]

See, kid? They love ya!

And they will,

as long as you're the host of

Science, Schmience!

[silence falls]

How quickly they forget.

Ivy. New outfit?

I signed up for The Holmes Club.

I'm a huge Sherlock Holmes fan.

Ivy, it's not "The Holmes Club,"

it's "The Homes Club."

See that guy over there?

He lost his home.

I suspect foul play.

Come, Watson!

The game is afoot!

We don't solve mysteries.

We build houses to help

the less fortunate.

I signed up to help

the less fortunate?

That makes me less fortunate!

Make sure my house has a pool.

We're not building

a house for you.

We're building a house for him.

Pass.

Come on, Ivy.

If nothing else,

- it will look good - on a college application.

College? There are college guys

in college!

Yes. And if you want to be

a college girl in college,

you're going to need some help.

I mean, when was the last time

you got an "A" in school?

Elementary, my dear Watson.

I promised Principal Tater

that shooting a show

- wouldn't interfere with - your teaching schedule,

- So I had the set - built right here!

[Adam] Hey, looks great!

[Derby] Wow!

Suddenly, this room

makes me want to learn!

Never mind. It's gone.

- So are you ready - for your big debut?

You bet! I can't wait

to inspire young minds

- and create the - scientists of tomorrow!

You won't be talking like that

on the air, will you?

[vaudeville piano theme

[plays throughout]

Hey, kids!

Welcome to Science, Schmience!

[cheering]

Today, we're gonna

use electricity

to "conduct"

a really cool experiment.

We're going to use this lemon

to make our very own battery,

which we'll use

to power this coffee maker.

No way! Science is magic!

You haven't seen anything yet...

and you won't...

- until we talk about - the principles at work.

"Principals at work."

If we wanted to work,

we wouldn't become principals.

By using two electrodes,

a copper penny,

and a zinc-coated nail,

- we're able to convert - chemical energy

- into electrical energy...

- [Professor Les] Adam?

Less science, more schmience!

Fine.

[coffee maker beeps]

[cheering]

And there you have it...

a coffee maker

powered by a lemon.

Ha ha. Joe Junior.

I don't know why they took

this stuff off the market.

Hey, if a lemon

can power a coffee maker,

I wonder how much power

we could get from this.

Derby, wait.

- The electrolytes - in a watermelon

- Are totally different - from a...

lemon.

Derby, that was irresponsible,

- that was dangerous, - that was...

Fantastic television!

Kid, congratulations!

You're the new host

of the show.

Kid...

- whatever the opposite - of "congratulations" is.

You're fired.

What? Derby?

But he doesn't know

anything about science.

Science, schmience!

[cheering]

Do you hear that?!

The people have spoken!

What people?!

You're making Derby

the host of a science show?

- He doesn't know - the first thing about science!

No, I don't!

I love this kid!

- Hey, we'll just - give you a sidekick,

- Who can make sure - the science is sound.

Hey, kids!

Welcome to Science, Schmience!

[cheering]

Allow me to introduce

my new sidekick, Newton!

[vaudeville piano theme

[plays throughout]

Welcome back to

Science, Schmience!

[cheering]

Where we're investigating

the mysterious

weather phenomenon

known as the twister!

I wouldn't say "mysterious."

It's simply

a rotating column of air

- simultaneously - in contact with...

Ahem!

Stick to the script!

Oo-oo. Ee-ee.

That's right, Newton.

It is mysterious!

Wow. Monkey's smart.

Maybe I can hire him

to replace Mr. Young.

I think now is a good time

to warn kids

not to try this at home.

Nah! Try it at home, kids!

Look how cool this is!

It's a twister in a box!

- Are we at least - going to explain the science?

- The low-pressure core, - created by...

[Professor Les] Ahem!

Oo-oo.

Ee-ee.

What's that, Newton?

We should get a closer look

at this twister?

Oo-oo-oo!

[winds gusting]

Whoa!

[Adam's screams carrying

[on wind]

Ooh! The twister dropped him!

- Maybe that tree - will break his fall.

[crashing thud]

[Adam] Ooh!

Yep!

[branch snaps, body thuds]

Nope!

[Adam groans]

I look good in this fancy hat!

It's very flattering.

I wonder why

I don't wear it more.

Leaf-monkey!

Yaa!

Ah! Ah!

No! Human in monkey costume!

A talking leaf-monkey?

This world's full of mystery.

That's why The Holmes Club's

so popular!

[vaudeville piano theme

[plays throughout]

And welcome to another episode

of Science, Schmience!

[cheering]

Oo-oo... ow-ow!

Today, we're going to be

talking about quicksand!

Now, quicksand is mud.

We all know that, right?

[scoffs] Who doesn't?

Actually, it occurs when

an underground source of water

pushes continuously

up into sand,

separating the grains

so they're barely touching.

Quicksand is mostly water.

Death water!

- Well, one must - consider the viscosity...

Good idea, Newton!

A demonstration.

Now, if Newton

were out walking

and happened to fall

into some quicksand...

what should he do?

Scream? Panic?

Those may seem

like good ideas,

but they won't save him.

- Because quicksand - is mostly water,

All Newton needs to do

is float on his back.

Oh, well.

- I'm sure it works better - with a real monkey.

Newton, get in.

The death water's warm.

Come on, Adam!

Do it for schmience!

Find another monkey.

I quit.

If that monkey quit the show,

I can hire him

to replace Mr. Young.

Why are you walking like that?

I don't know.

Well, we did good work here.

- Did you see the smile - on that man's face

When we gave him the house?

He was so happy.

You're right. I think it's

something he'll cherish

for the rest of his life.

[girls squealing]

Uh-oh!

Dang sent reinforcements!

You know what?

There are worse ways to go.

[girls clamoring]

- It looks like - you have fans...

And I can see why.

You're cute in that monkey suit.

I am?

You're cute in that human suit.

I need to get back to shooting

today's episode of the show...

that I am on.

Not so fast!

Dang, it's me, Adam.

I know.

- Why didn't you - tell me you're Newton?

I'm a huge fan.

Can you give me an autograph?

I should've realized!

Of course there are

no leaf-monkeys

at Finnegan High.

Leaf-monkey!

Now, I know

harsh words were spoken,

but I've had some time to think,

and I've decided...

ee-ee. Oo-oo.

You want your old job back?

Ee! Ee! Ee! Ee!

- Well, too bad. - Ee...

You've already been replaced.

What?! By whom?

Oo-oo! Ee... ee!

Please, please, please

let me be your monkey!

Sorry, kid.

It's too late for you.

But neither of these guys

knows anything about science.

Who cares? We'll change

the name of the show to...

Schmience, Schmience.

[cheering]

[Derby] All right.

- Now, let's see what happens - when Newton

Jumps in the quicksand.

Oo-oo...

ee-ee.

[Adam] Uh, Les?

This doesn't say "quicksand."

It says "Quick Set."

It's cement.

Huh.

So, since Mr. Tater's

not available,

can I be the monkey now?

- If you want to be a monkey, - be a monkey,

But on your own time.

Show's canceled.

Instead, I'll be hosting The

Best of Science, Schmience!

[cheering]

You hear that? I'm back!

So, you want to go

grab some lunch?

What about Tater?

Tater, schmater.

[cheering]

The people have spoken.

I can't believe that guy

sold the house we made for him.

I know! In this market?

I wonder who bought it.

[Dang] I did!

Aah!

Aah!

Dang, you're going to

live in the quad?

Oh, no...

that's a very bad neighborhood!

Teenagers everywhere!

So I took apart the house

and rebuilt in a classier area.

The janitor's closet?

Yes! I'll show you.

You kids, get off my lawn!