Original subtitles

If you throw this plastic

soda bottle in the garbage,

it will take 450 years

to break down.

As opposed to Derby,

who breaks down

almost instantly.

- [whining] - Well, it's humiliating.

- Plus, I just had - these pants cleaned.

Anyway, that's why I asked

to see what you could engineer

out of old soda bottles.

Let's start with you, Slab.

What's this?

I turned a soda bottle

into an empty bottle.

- Do you want to know - how I did it?

- No, I think - I can figure it...

[burps loudly]

Oh... It burns!

Anyone else?

Echo?

Did you copy off Slab?

Of course not.

[burps impressively]

Did anyone do anything besides

bring in an empty bottle?

I did.

[sighs]

It's a bottle of orange soda.

Yeah, but it used to be

root beer.

So, you just poured

another bottle of soda

into this bottle?

No. I ran out of time,

so I just lied

and said I did.

- But at least I brought - enough for everyone.

- But, wait, Derby, - that bottle's been...

Shaken.

[theme song playing]

I can't believe no one

did the assignment.

- My students don't know - how lucky they have it.

I'm young, I'm cool,

I speak their language...

- [calls out] - Peace out, home-roomies!

Nobody speaks that language.

They could have it a lot worse.

Their science teacher could be

some cranky, old curmudgeon.

In fact...

Their science teacher will be

some cranky, old curmudgeon.

- You can see - into the future?

Will Slab throw me in

the garbage can tomorrow?

'Cause I'll just wear

these dirty pants again.

Are you really complaining?

You sprayed orange soda

all over my clothes!

Relax, a little club soda

will get that right out.

Derby,

this is grape.

- Yeah, they were - all out of club soda.

- It's five seconds - after 9:00.

Mr. Young's not here yet,

- so I can only - assume the worst.

He'll be here shortly.

- [snapping] - What are you gawkin' at?

- Why don't you paint a portrait? - It'll last longer.

Are you lost?

I'll walk you home.

I'm not lost!

I'm your substitute

teacher, Mr...

Elderman!

Take your seat, little missy!

Same goes for the rest

of you rapscallions! Scoot!

It's time to learn,

so get the wax out

of your noggin-flaps.

- I cleaned my noggin-flaps - this morning.

Along with my snot-launchers.

Don't be sassin' me.

I warn you,

I do not take any guff.

-What's "guff"?

-There! That, right there,

that was guff!

That was guff?

Is this guff, too?

[thump]

Enough guff.

This classroom is now

a guff-free zone.

Also not allowed

twaddle, bunkum,

and tommyrot.

-What a jerk.

-Shut your pudding-hole,

sasquatch!

Are you teaching this class?

No. You are.

- Wow. The memory - really goes at that age.

That's it!

Go sit In the corner

and put on this dunce cap.

- That's okay, - I brought my own.

I have a large head,

so I had get a special order

from my hatter,

which wasn't easy,

because he's about

as mad as a...

What's all the racket

in here, Mr...

Oh. Excuse me.

- [speaking slowly] - Are you lost?

- Because Echo could - walk you home.

No! I'm Mr. Elderman.

- Substituting for - the cool, hip Mr. Young.

- There are two Mr. Youngs - in this school?

Are you giving me guff?

Because you can go

stand with him!

[George] Nice dunce cap!

Who's your hatter?

Because mine went mad.

So, Derby,

what'd you think of

your crotchety old substitute?

- Hey, that's no way - to talk about yourself.

Derby.

Yes, Mr. Elderman?

-It's me.

-Yeah, I know, Mr. Elderman.

And it's me. Derby.

- Hey, we can make name tags - if you want.

Seriously?

I'm not really old.

Of course, Mr. Elderman.

- You're only as old - as you feel.

[sighs in exasperation]

Hello!

Who's the liver-spotted

love machine?

- And where do I - place my order?

[squeals]

Wow! You've got the butt

of a 65-year-old.

Uh-oh.

I'm late for a bingo game.

Why go to bingo

when your prize

is right here?

Ah! Old love.

- [Mr. Elderman] - Out of my way, youngster!

Bet you're all pretty unhappy

to see me again.

Instead of your usual fun,

hip, super-awesome teacher.

- Actually, I'm glad - you're back.

You seemed kind of

crabby yesterday,

so I brought you

some stewed prunes.

No one's happy

unless they're regular.

Well, this will make you happy.

- We wanted to show you - our plastic bottle projects.

I made a pair of shorts.

I made a self-contained

hydroponic farm,

capable of feeding a family

for a month.

Why would you bother

feeding your family?

- They're just going to move away - and live their fancy lives

And never call you.

Unless they need you

to baby-sit when they go on

a romantic getaway to Cabo.

Mr. Elderman, check this out.

I made a jet-pack.

Derby, there's a reason

jet-packs aren't viable.

The weight of the fuel alone...

- I used metastable - metallic hydrogen.

I thought its existence

was still only theoretical.

- I know a guy - who knows a guy.

Anyway...

- I'll need more room - to demonstrate. - I'll be outside.

Wow.

You've really motivated

your students.

I just yell at 'em,

let 'em know I'm disappointed!

They hate me.

Ah, they hate me too,

and not just a mild hate,

a blinding, intense hatred,

with just a soupcon

of revulsion.

- It means you're doing - a great job.

It does?

- Something's got to - fuel their fires.

Hate's a great fuel.

- Metastable metallic hydrogen - is also good.

Theoretically.

Anyway, I'm sure

this will be my last day.

I bet Mr. Young

will be back tomorrow.

Who? Oh! Yeah... Uh...

I should go

drop by his house,

see how he's doing.

Now?

It's not like I'm doing

anything around here.

- Keep up the good work, - Mr. E!

Uh-oh... I really have to go.

Yes! Those prunes

are working.

I mean, I need to take off.

[jetpack engine running]

- Normally, I'd give you a lift, - but it's really windy out here.

Whoa. Whoa!

- -[crashing] - -[cat yowling]

- What's your hurry... - Murray?

[screams]

Mrs. Byrne.

- Please don't - call me "missus."

That makes me feel old.

That was the clincher?

Why don't you call me...

Yes?

- I'm saying, - why don't you call me?

You could buy me dinner,

and I'll supply

the dessert.

I'm sorry, but I don't

have a sweet tooth.

- In fact, - I don't have any teeth.

[knocking on door]

- [George] Mr. Young? - It's Principal Tater.

[Adam] Oh, no.

[dishes shattering]

Huh. It's harder than it looks.

- [George] Is everything - okay in there?

Just a minute.

[bowl bouncing]

Come in.

Mr. Young?

-How are you?

-Still a little stuffy. Just...

Good to hear it!

Mr. Young...

I've been thinking about

your place at Finnegan high.

- -Oh? - -You no longer have one.

- -You're fired. - -What?

[slowly] Fired.

As in "terminated."

[chuckles]

- Guess that makes me - the "Terminator."

- [mimicking Arnold - Schwarzenegger] I'll be back.

- But not really. - Why would I? You're fired.

I'm fired?

[shrieks]

Stay back!

I don't want to catch

your skin-melting disease.

How can you fire me?

Easy. I found someone

who can do your job

better than you.

You should see your students.

Ha! Paying attention,

a respectful loathing

in their eyes.

Principal Tater,

you've got to give me

a chance to prove myself.

Why?

- Because I'm - the better teacher.

And like you say,

"Excellence always wins out."

- "Excellence always wins out"? - I never say that.

You just did.

I did say it.

"Excellence always wins out."

I say it a lot!

In that case you

and Mr. Elderman,

a teaching contest.

Whoever wins, gets the job.

A contest.

You mean face-to-face?

That's right.

A face-to-face face-off.

You've even got a head start.

Derby!

Oh, Adam, I'm so glad

to see you.

Can you help me

with my project

for Mr. Elderman?

Derby, don't you get it?

You stole his cane?

Mr. Elderman wears a toupee?

No! This is mine.

You wear a toupee?

Derby, listen to me.

"Bet you're all pretty

unhappy to see me again!"

That's a terrible

Mr. Elderman impersonation.

It's more like this...

"Clean out your noggin-flaps,

you young rapscallions."

That's pretty good.

You know... I can't be

two people at the same time,

but you could help me out.

- All it would take - is a little makeup...

Oh. I know exactly

what you have in mind.

Next time when you say,

"I know exactly

what you have in mind,"

I'm gonna play it safe

and tell you anyway.

- This hair, doesn't it - make you just wanna...

- It's still in - my line of vision.

How do you stand it?

Welcome to the teacher

face-to-face face-off!

[applause ceases]

Our first competitor...

He's inexperienced,

inept and in over his head,

Mr. Young!

[Echo] Whoo!

Ooh, yeah! Ha-ha!

Boo! Boo!

Now, put your hands together

for the inevitable champion.

He's old, he's wise,

he's regular...

Mr. Elderman!

That's my cue.

There you are!

I realized the other day

that I came across

as a "Bouncy Betty."

Can you be a "Clear Clara"?

- Because I don't know - what you're talking about.

I'm asking you

to ask me to marry you.

- -Marry you? - -I accept!

What?

We'll honeymoon

in Niagara falls,

- though we'll barely - leave the room.

What?

- Then a quick trip - to my lawyer,

So I can make you

sole beneficiary in my will.

What are we waitin' for?

- Let's get you - to a chapel, gorgeous.

Oh, there you are,

Mr. Elderman.

[groans]

Okay. Round one.

Spot The Cheater.

Three of these students

are cheating on their exam.

- -You will each... - -Her, him and her.

What?

- Answers in her - mechanical pencil.

Number seven is wrong.

Answers in invisible ink

on his arm.

Number seven is right.

All the rest are wrong.

And she hired someone

to do the test for her.

Incredible.

- Round one goes to - Mr. Elderman!

Derby. What're you doing?

You're supposed to lose!

Relax. You've got to give

the people a show,

or they'll know

the fix is in.

It's best of three.

I'll let you win

the next two.

Okay, round two.

Emotional Awareness.

A good educator

needs to understand

a student's frail psyche.

And how to exploit it.

So, let's see who can

make a child cry the fastest.

- Why are you dressed - like that?

I'm the child.

I didn't want this round

to be too easy.

And I am the toughest,

thickest-skinned,

most unemotional...

Cinnamon.

[sobbing]

- Why would that - make you cry?

[weeping]

Ath if.

It'th totally a myth

that you can't thwallow

a teathpoon of thinnamon.

[children laughing]

I don't ever want to hear

the word thinnamon again!

[whimpering]

Cinnamon?

[sobbing]

Cinnamon?

[wails]

Thtop thaying that.

Theriously!

It'th tho thadithtic.

Round two goes

to Mr. Elderman.

[exhales]

Cin-na-mon.

What was that?

Sorry. I'm very

competitive.

Besides, how would it look

if I lost to a kid?

Everyone meet your new,

permanent science teacher,

Mr. Elderman!

- Mr. Elderman - can't be the teacher.

Why not? He beat you.

And as I'm fond of saying,

excellence always wins out.

But he's not going to be

around much longer.

I've got nowhere to be.

Oh, sure you do.

Mr. Elderman is headed

to a better place.

Private school?

Your heart

is clearly failing.

All the signs are there!

Pain in your left arm.

- I don't have pain - in my left arm.

Ow. My left arm!

Shortness of breath.

I can breathe just...

[gasps and cries out]

And, finally, confusion.

I'm not confused.

People who are confused

confuse their confusion

for lack of confusion.

Okay, now I'm confused!

I need to sit down.

Just close your eyes

and drift off

to the netherworld.

Really, I feel fine.

Mitosis is the process

by which a eukaryotic cell...

[starts snoring]

He's with the angels now.

[snoring continues]

Is he snoring?

No. That's just

the final escape

of his bodily gases.

We will miss him.

And the winner

of the teacher competition,

by default, Adam Young!

Yeah! Adam Young!

[cackling victoriously]

[funeral music plays]

Thank you all for coming today

on this sad, tragic,

heartbreaking, upsetting,

gloomy, wretched occasion.

- There, there, - Mrs. Byrne.

This can't be

the first man

you've buried.

But I'll never forget

Mr. Elderman.

[sobs]

Where am I?

Why am I dressed in black?

What lovely flowers.

[sniffing]

- [George] We hardly knew - Mr. Elderman,

And, as you can see,

we didn't even have

a photograph,

So, I'd like to thank

Mrs. Morris,

head of the art department,

for this portrait.

Before we conclude

this service,

would anyone like to say

something about the dear,

departed Mr. Elderman?

I would!

[angelic theme plays]

Before I board

the big yellow bus

to the highest school

in the district...

- I want to leave you - with this.

You should listen to Mr. Young.

He cares about you.

Respect him.

Do your work.

And, for the love

of stewed prunes,

don't give him any guff.

Giant bird version

of Mr. Elderman is right.

- We should be nicer - to Mr. Young.

He's an... okay guy.

If he's such a great guy,

then why isn't he here

to pay his respects?

[students] Yeah!

I'm sure he's busy

preparing your next lesson.

Like the good teacher he is.

- Well, let's call - and find out.

[cell phone ringing]

That must be the bus driver

to the afterlife.

That reminds me,

I should cancel

my cell phone.

- The roaming charges - will be the death of me.

See ya.

Adam's not answering.

What's his game?

I know where he lives.

Let's get 'im!

Wait. Wait. Wait.

We can't just go charging

over to Mr. Young's house.

It's going to be dark soon!

We'll need torches.

Yeah!

[theme music playing]