Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

CAN ANYONE TELL ME

WHAT DNA IS?

DERBY?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

THEN WHY DID YOU

RAISE YOUR HAND?

PARTICIPATION IS WORTH

30% OF OUR GRADE.

- IT DOESN'T COUNT - IF YOU DON'T ANSWER.

- YES, IT DOES. - NO, IT DOESN'T.

- YES, IT DOES. - NO, IT DOESN'T.

THAT SHOULD DO IT.

WOULD YOU SIGN THIS FORM

SO I GET CREDIT FOR DEBATE CLUB?

ECHO?

DNA STANDS FOR DEOXY...

RIBONUCLEIC ACID.

- WHICH CONTAINS - THE GENETIC INSTRUCTIONS

USED IN THE DEVELOPMENT

OF ALL KNOWN LIVING ORGANISMS.

PRESS ENTER FOR MORE.

OH.

OKAY, LET'S ALL COLLECT

OUR OWN DNA SAMPLES.

EVERYONE, SWAB

THE INSIDE OF YOUR CHEEK...

- AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, SLAB, - THE CHEEK ON YOUR FACE!

YEAH.

THE DNA WE INHERIT FROM

OUR PARENTS MAKES US STRONG,

OR...

DIFFERENT...

OR GIVES US BEAUTIFUL HAIR.

THICK,

LUXURIOUS HAIR

- YOU JUST WANT TO RUN - YOUR FINGERS THROUGH AND SMELL,

AND SNIP OFF A LOCK TO KEEP

UNDER YOUR PILLOW, AND...

- DUDE, I KNOW I HAVE - NICE HAIR,

BUT YOU'RE KIND OF

CREEPING ME OUT.

♪ GOODBYE, SUMMER

HELLO, FALL ♪

♪ BEEN TRYING TO GET HERE ♪

♪ SINCE WE BOTH

WERE BARELY TWO FEET TALL ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLING KID?

WHO YOU CALLING KID? ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLING KID? ♪

- ♪ YOU CAN CALL ME - WHAT YOU WANT ♪

♪ BUT I WON'T HEAR A WORD... ♪

♪ WHO YOU CALLING KID? ♪

[♪♪♪]

DANG, I DIDN'T KNOW

YOU CAME TO PEP RALLIES.

STRICTLY ON BUSINESS.

I COME TO CLEAN UP VOMIT.

WHAT VOMIT?

TELL YOUR PAPPIES,

TELL YOUR MAMAS,

THESE SCRAPPY JOES

ARE THE CAT'S PAJAMAS!

WHOO!

- NO, NO, PLEASE, - PUT YOUR LEG DOWN!

[STUDENTS THROWING UP]

SHOW TIME!

WHERE ARE

THE REAL CHEERLEADERS?

THIS SCHOOL HASN'T

HAD ANY FOR YEARS.

TATER BANNED THEM.

WHAT? THAT'S THE ONLY REASON

I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL!

WELL, I, FOR ONE,

THINK CHEERLEADING

IS DEGRADING TO WOMEN.

ACTUALLY,

- I'VE ALWAYS WANTED - TO BE A CHEERLEADER.

AS WELL YOU SHOULD.

THE WORLD NEEDS MORE CHEER,

AND THE PEOPLE WHO LEAD IT.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID

IT WAS DEGRADING.

I SAY A LOT OF THINGS.

- COME ON, LET'S GO - AND SEE IF WE CAN GET YOU

INTO ONE OF THOSE SHORT,

LITTLE CHEERLEADER SKIRTS.

TWO! FOUR! SIX! EIGHT!

THOSE ARE THE TIMES

I HAVE MY NAPS!

[♪♪♪]

- HOW COULD YOU DO THIS - TO THESE POOR GIRLS

- WHO WANT NOTHING MORE - THAN TO SHAKE THEIR...

POM POMS?

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

- THAT'S RIGHT. - IT'S AN ENORMOUS DEAL!

WHILE IT'S TRUE

THAT I BANNED CHEERLEADERS,

IT WAS FOR A VERY GOOD REASON.

YOU HATE SPIRIT

AND ANYONE WHO HAS IT?

ON THE CONTRARY.

- WHEN I WAS - A STUDENT HERE,

I WAS THE SCHOOL MASCOT!

I OOZED SPIRIT,

AND OTHER STUFF...

- BUT THAT MOSTLY CLEARED UP - IN MY 30s.

SO, WHY DID YOU GET

RID OF THE CHEERLEADERS?

AH...

THE GREAT MASCOT INCIDENT

OF '85.

[♪♪♪]

- [TATER]: I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE - LEADING THE PEP RALLY,

BUT I COULDN'T FIND

MY CHICKEN HEAD.

[ECHO]: ABOUT THAT.

- WHY WOULD THE SCHOOL - PICK A CHICKEN

AS ITS SYMBOL?

- WERE THE "SCAREDY CATS" - TAKEN?

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

THE FINNEGAN FRIARS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE FRIAR TUCK,

- BUT THE GUY AT THE UNIFORM STORE - WAS A FORMER BUTCHER,

AND THOUGHT WE MEANT

THE SMALLEST TYPE

OF CHICKEN SOLD,

SUITABLE FOR FRYING,

AS OPPOSED TO THE SLIGHTLY

LARGER BROILER,

OR THE PLUMP AND JUICY ROASTER.

YOU CARRY AROUND

A POULTRY CHART?

I GET THIS QUESTION A LOT.

I LOST MY HEAD!

I LOST MY HEAD!

COOL YOUR JETS.

- YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND - LIKE A CHICKEN WHO...

LOST ITS HEAD! I KNOW!

HAVE YOU SEEN MY HEAD?

HAVE YOU SEEN MY FIST?

AH!

LIKE, HERE IT IS.

BODACIOUS!

[SQUELCH]

EW!

GRODY TO THE MAX!

SOMEONE PUT GLUE

IN MY CHICKEN HEAD.

I CAN'T FOLLOW

ALL THIS '80s SLANG,

WHAT DOES "GLUE

IN MY CHICKEN HEAD" MEAN?

IT MEANS YOUR MOTHER

PUT GLUE IN MY CHICKEN HEAD!

MY MOTHER?

YES.

I LOOKED OVER AT HER,

AND SHE HAD GLUE

ALL OVER HER HANDS.

THE GLUE DRIED,

- AND I WAS STUCK - WEARING THAT HEAD FOR A WEEK.

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD CHEERING]

EVENTUALLY, I HAD TO TAKE

DRASTIC MEASURES.

[GROANING WITH EFFORT]

UNFORTUNATELY,

- THE HEAD WASN'T THE ONLY THING - THAT CAME OFF.

[RIP]

[GROANING]

[SHRIEKS]

[LAUGHING]

IT'S NOT FUNNY!

CHEERLEADERS ARE EVIL!

AND AS LONG AS I'M PRINCIPAL,

WE WILL NEVER, EVER,

EVER, NEVER

HAVE THEM IN THIS SCHOOL.

AND IF YOU WANT TO BLAME

SOMEONE FOR THAT,

BLAME YOUR MOTHER.

OKAY, JUST TAKE IT EASY.

- THERE ARE A LOTS OF - ADVANTAGES TO BEING BALD.

NAME ONE.

WELL...

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEND - ALL OF YOUR MONEY

ON SHAMPOO,

OR CONDITIONER.

OR DATES.

THIS IS ABOUT CHEERLEADERS,

NOT HAIR PRODUCTS,

OR MY... CONSCIOUS DECISION

TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER.

[♪♪♪]

- I WANT ANSWERS, MISSY, - AND I WANT THEM NOW.

ANSWERS?

ANSWERS ABOUT WHAT?

DON'T PLAY COY

WITH ME, SISTER.

YOU STOLE TATER'S HAIR

AND BROKE THE HEART

OF CHEERLEADING'S

NEXT GENERATION.

LOOK AT THIS WOMAN.

SHE'S CRESTFALLEN.

- I WOULDN'T SAY - CRESTFALLEN...

YOU SEE THAT?

YOU'VE MADE HER

SO UPSET,

SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW

HOW SHE FEELS.

THE LEAST YOU CAN DO

FOR THIS POOR GIRL

IS DIG OUT YOUR OLD

CHEERLEADER COSTUME,

LET HER TRY IT ON,

- AND TEACH HER - A COUPLE OF MOVES...

LIKE THAT HIP SHAKE THING.

OH, THIS IS ABOUT

THE GREAT CHEERLEADER FRAME-UP

OF '85.

I'M, LIKE, TOTALLY GOING TO

BE LATE FOR THE PEP RALLY!

YOU, LIKE, TOTALLY SHOULD

HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT

- BEFORE YOU FAILED TO TURN IN - YOUR COLLAGE

ON THE WAR OF 1812!

BUT THERE ARE NO PHOTOS

OF THE WAR OF 1812.

DON'T YOU TELL ME WHEN

PHOTOS WERE INVENTED!

I POSED

FOR GEORGE EASTMAN

- WEARING NOTHING - BUT A PARASOL

AND A TOOTHY SMILE.

NOW GET TO WORK!

SO I SAT THERE CUTTING

AND PASTING PICTURES

FROM A PILE OF CAT MAGAZINES,

UNTIL SHE FINALLY FELL ASLEEP.

[SNORING]

[SNORING]

WHEN I GOT TO THE PEP RALLY,

TATER WAS LOOKING FOR

HIS CHICKEN HEAD.

- I LOST MY HEAD, - I LOST MY HEAD!

COOL YOUR JETS!

- YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND - LIKE A CHICKEN WHO...

LOST ITS HEAD, I KNOW!

LIKE, HERE IT IS!

BODACIOUS!

[SQUELCH]

EW! GRODY TO THE MAX!

- TATER SAW GLUE ON MY HANDS - AND BLAMED ME.

[GASPS]

I AM SO TELLING ON YOU!

BUT THAT GLUE

WAS FROM MY WAR OF 1812

CAT COLLAGE.

UNFORTUNATELY, I HAD NO PROOF.

- I WAS SUSPENDED FOR A WEEK, EVEN - THOUGH I WAS INNOCENT.

DON'T WORRY.

- WE ARE GOING TO - CLEAR YOUR NAME!

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

THAT'S RIGHT,

IT'S AN ENORMOUS DEAL!

- YEAH, MR. TATER'S - STILL REALLY MAD AT YOU.

HMM.

- MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE - LAUGHED AT HIS BALD HEAD

- WHEN I GOT BACK - FROM SUSPENSION...

AND FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS...

AND AT THE PTA MEETING

LAST WEEK.

HOW COULD YOU?

- YOU'VE BROKEN - THE HEART OF...

[SNORING]

[BOOK THUDS]

WHO HAS HEARD OF

THE WAR OF 1812?

FORGET 1812,

- I WANT TO KNOW - WHAT HAPPENED IN '85!

AH, YES.

I REMEMBER IT

LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

[♪♪♪]

BANG THOSE SPIKES,

LAY THAT TRACK

OR THIS CABOOSE

AIN'T COMING BACK!

[CHEERING]

NOT 1885!

TOOT! TOOT!

WOULD YOU STOP THAT!

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT

HAPPENED IN 1985!

AH, YES,

THE GREAT SPIRIT DAY OF '85.

I REMEMBER IT

LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY...

- I'M, LIKE, TOTALLY - GOING TO BE LATE

FOR THE PEP RALLY!

- YOU, LIKE, TOTALLY - SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT

- BEFORE YOU FAILED - TO TURN IN YOUR COLLAGE

ON THE WAR OF 1812!

NOW GET TO WORK!

[FUMING]

BUT WHEN I LOOKED OVER

TO SEE HOW SHE WAS DOING,

I NOTICED SHE HAD SOMETHING

ALL OVER HER HANDS.

HELP, I'VE BEEN SLIMED!

THERE WAS SOMETHING STRANGE

IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.

WE WERE HAUNTED!

[SCREAMS]

BUT LUCKILY,

THOSE NICE MEN

WITH THE BACKPACKS SHOWED UP

AND SAVED THE DAY.

- THAT'S THE PLOT - OF GHOSTBUSTERS!

SHH, LET HER FINISH!

I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

WAIT!

- WHY AREN'T YOU TWO WORKING ON - YOUR WAR OF 1812 COLLAGES?

NO, WE...

NOW GET TO WORK!

- AND I WANT YOU - TO MAKE SOMETHING

THAT HAS ALL THE DETAIL

AND HISTORICAL ACCURACY OF THIS.

- WHY DO YOU HAVE - THAT CHICKEN HEAD?

- WHY DO YOU HAVE - THOSE DONKEY EARS?

HE'S TALKING

ABOUT THIS.

WELL, THAT MAKES

MORE SENSE, -FISH LIPS!

I KEEP MEMENTOS

FROM MY PAST HERE.

I'VE GOT LOTS OF JUNK

IN MY TRUNK.

YEAH, WE SAW THE WHOLE

CABOOSE SHOW EARLIER.

- OKAY, I FOUND - TWO DNA SAMPLES

IN THE CHICKEN HEAD.

ONE IS TATER'S.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

IT CAME FROM THIS.

AND THE OTHER ONE CAME FROM

A SKIN SAMPLE I FOUND

ON THE GLUE.

[BEEPS DEVICE ON]

I'M ANALYZING IT NOW.

[PRINTOUT WHIRRS]

WAIT A SECOND...

THIS SAMPLE IS

REMARKABLY SIMILAR TO SLAB'S.

- I KNOW HE'S NOT - THE SHARPEST CHEESE

IN THE TEX-MEX BLEND,

BUT SLAB HASN'T BEEN

HELD BACK FOR 25 YEARS.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN HIS FATHER.

- HE WAS THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED.

WELL, WE'LL NEED PROOF.

- I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO - HAVE TO GET A DNA SAMPLE

FROM SLAB SR.

- NO PROBLEM. - MAYBE AFTER THAT,

- WE CAN FIND TATER - A DATE.

[THEY LAUGH]

FOR THE LAST TIME,

I'M MAKING A CONSCIOUS DECISION

TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER!

- MR. SLABINSKY, - THANK YOU FOR COMING IN

TO DISCUSS YOUR SON'S PROGRESS.

YOU'RE A KID.

- TRUE, BUT I'M ALSO - HIS SCIENCE TEACHER,

WHICH IS WHY I...

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- NOT REALLY RELEVANT - TO THE CONFERENCE,

BUT I'LL BE 15 IN MARCH.

[SCOFFS]

YOU'RE KIDDING ME?

YOU'RE ONLY...

WOW, I GUESS THE FRUITBALL

DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE.

HEY!

WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

DON'T MIND DANG.

HE'S JUST HERE CLEANING UP.

[IMITATING DANG]: WELCOME.

MR. SLABINSKY,

AS YOU MAY KNOW,

- YOUR SON ISN'T DOING - VERY WELL IN MY CLASS.

[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS]

DANG!

- I CAN'T HEAR - OVER YOUR VACUUMING!

APOLOGIES.

I HANG HEAD IN SHAME.

CAREFUL,

- YOU MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY REMOVE - SOME HAIR FROM HIS HEAD.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

I'M COMPLETELY HAIRLESS

FROM HEAD TO TOE.

I SUFFER FROM

FULL-BODY ALOPECIA.

WHAT ABOUT LUSCIOUS LOCKS

WHICH FLOW FROM SCALP

LIKE CRYSTAL WATERS

OF MEKONG RIVER?

THE HAIR, THE SIDEBURNS,

EVEN THE SWEET 'STACHE,

IT'S 100% ALPACA,

- FUSED TO MY FLESH - WITH A HOT GLUE GUN.

OF COURSE IT IS.

DANG!

WHY DON'T YOU THROW OUT

MR. SLABINSKY'S CUP FOR HIM?

YES, MR. YOUNG.

WHOA!

IZZY'S DELI GIVES FREE REFILLS.

I'VE HAD THIS CUP SINCE '92.

ONE WORD TO IZZY,

- AND YOU'LL FEEL THE STING - OF MY HAIRLESS FIST.

WORRY NOT.

- YOUR SECRETS - WILL REMAIN WITH ME

FOR ALL ETERNITY.

ANYWAYS, I DON'T CARE

IF YOU KEEP FAILING MY KID.

IT'S PUBLIC SCHOOL.

IT'S FREE.

W-WAIT, DON'T GO!

- UH, DANG MUST CLEAN - CHALK BRUSHES!

ACHOO!

UGH, BLESS YOU.

[SHUDDERS]

UGH...

WELL, I GUESS WE GOT SOME DNA.

HEY!

[THEY SCREAM]

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I CAN EXPLAIN...

NN!

IS IT REALLY YOU?

MY TWIN BROTHER, DING?

YES, DANG!

SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

DO NOT TOUCH ME,

BROTHER DEMON!

YOU ARE NOT FORGIVEN

- FOR THE DISGRACE YOU BROUGHT - UPON OUR FAMILY.

DING MARRY DUCK.

DING'S WIFE'S NAME IS -DUC?

HER NAME NOT -DUC!

SHE A QUACK-QUACK DUCK!

HER NAME SHIRLEY.

YOU MUST PAY FOR SHAME

YOU BRING FAMILY.

I WAITED LONG TIME

FOR THIS, BROTHER.

[HE ROARS IN COMBAT]

WELL, WAIT IS OVER!

HA!

THIS CAN'T BE.

SLAB'S FATHER'S DNA SHARES

GENETIC MARKERS WITH SLAB,

BUT NOT WITH THE DNA SAMPLE

WE FOUND IN THE CHICKEN HEAD.

- IF THE SAMPLE - IN THE CHICKEN HEAD

DIDN'T COME FROM SLAB'S FATHER,

IT MUST HAVE COME FROM...

WHERE IS MY SKIRT-CHASER

OF A HUSBAND?

SLAB'S MOTHER?

I GUESS THERE ARE WORSE THINGS

TO MARRY THAN DUCK.

WE'VE SOLVED THE MYSTERY.

WELL, IT'S HARDLY A MYSTERY.

THAT'S CLEARLY A DUDE.

I'M ALL WOMAN!

OW!

WE UNCOVERED THE TRUTH

- ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH - THE CHICKEN HEAD.

YEAH, SLAB'S MOM

TOLD US THE WHOLE STORY.

I CALL IT

THE GREAT TATER SCREAMED LIKE

A BABY GIRL INCIDENT OF '85?

THAT'S MY FAVOURITE

NAME SO FAR.

- MRS. SLABINSKY HAD - THE HUGEST CRUSH

- ON ONE OF THE FOOTBALL - PLAYERS...

OH, HE'S

SO HANDSOME...

HASSELHOFF HANDSOME.

- BUT THE CHEERLEADERS - WERE ALL OVER HIM,

ESPECIALLY THIS ONE FLOOZIE.

I WANT TO KISS YOU.

OPEN WIDE, PAC MAN!

I'M REALLY HOPING

SHE REMEMBERED THAT WRONG.

LATER, MRS. SLABINSKY NOTICED

- THAT RACHEL HAD GLUE - ON HER HANDS

- AND SAW AN OPPORTUNITY - TO FRAME HER.

[♪♪♪]

- I LOST MY HEAD, - I LOST MY HEAD!

LIKE, HERE IT IS!

BODACIOUS!

[SQUELCH]

EW! GRODY TO THE MAX!

- MY MOTHER WAS SUSPENDED - FOR A WEEK.

AND MRS. SLABINSKY

MADE HER MOVE.

[PIERCING WOLF WHISTLE]

KISS ME.

[HAIR RIPS]

[TATER YELPS]

OW...

[SHRIEKS]

YOU...

- YOU'RE THE ONE - RESPONSIBLE FOR...

THIS?

YEAH.

- [AGGRESSIVELY]: GOT A PROBLEM - WITH THAT, TATER?

[SHRIEKS]

NO, SIR...

MA'AM.

WHATEVER.

SO, YOU SEE?

- MY MOM HAD NOTHING - TO DO WITH IT.

FINE,

BUT SHE'S STILL NOT WELCOME

AT THE NEXT PTA MEETING.

BUT YOU ARE GOING TO REINSTATE

THE CHEERLEADERS, RIGHT?

I GUESS I AM.

OOH, GOODY!

- I HAVE A DAUGHTER COMING - TO THIS SCHOOL NEXT YEAR.

- LET'S START WITH - A ONE-YEAR TRIAL PERIOD.

[♪♪♪]

LIFT THOSE LEGS!

KICK THEM HIGHER!

- FEAR THE MIGHT - OF THE FINNEGAN FRYER!

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

[APPLAUDING]

- WHO KNEW SCHOOL - COULD BE SO AWESOME, HUH?

- EVEN MR. TATER'S GETTING - INTO THE SPIRIT,

- REPRISING HIS ROLE - AS THE FINNEGAN FRYER.

[♪♪♪]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- I GUESS THERE'S NO GLUE - IN THE CHICKEN HEAD

- THIS TIME, - HUH, MR. TATER?

NOPE.

- I MADE SURE TO TRIPLE CHECK - BEFORE PUTTING THIS ON.

[CHUCKLES]

THE SUIT

SEEMS TO BE STUCK.

DERBY!

I DIDN'T DO IT, I SWEAR!

UH-OH.

DERBY! DERBY!

HOW DISAPPOINTING.

NO VOMIT TODAY.

WAIT FOR ME, GIRLS!

THE TRAIN CAN'T LEAVE

WITHOUT THE CABOOSE!

WHOO!

ALL ABOARD!

[STUDENTS THROWING UP]

SHOW TIME!

[♪♪♪]