Original subtitles

♪ ♪

I can't believe he gets here tomorrow.

Where does the time go?

Seems like only yesterday they sent us a picture

of our little guy frolicking in the Spanish highlands.

Aw. Did you guys sponsor a kid?

Sort of. We bought a ham.

FRASIER: Not just any ham.

An 18-pound, acorn-fed jamón ibérico from España.

Cost as much as a laptop.

Yeah. (laughs)

Cool use of money.

Last summer I vacationed in Hartford.

So, what's the occasion?

Excellent question.

You see, when Alan and I attended Oxford together,

we sojourned in Spain and enjoyed the most exquisite meal.

Ever since, we've been trying to recreate

that epicurean perfection.

So, in order to celebrate 40 years of friendship...

Wait, is this story just starting?

Yeah, no, I have other tables.

Well, I hope you'll join us for Ham Day.

Oh, I'd love to join you guys.

Ooh, I'll whip up some of my famous sangria.

Ooh. Sangria.

You know, perhaps we could also pair our delicacy

with some cotton candy and Rice Krispie Treats.

Staggering blow, Frasier. Well done.

(chuckles) Thank you.

Hello, Professor Cornwall, Uncle.

- Ah, David. - And a good Ham Day Eve to you, David.

(chuckles) What have you got there?

Oh, these are liability release forms.

I'm spending the summer in Cameroon

tagging wild chimpanzees.

Is that just a...

...teensiest bit way out of your comfort zone?

With the credits I have,

it was either a paid internship at an ice cream factory

or dealing with hostile primates in Central Africa.

Well, for you, that's obviously...

Not an easy decision, I know,

so I asked Professor Cornwall what he thought

and he said in that quirky British style of his,

"Indubitably."

It was his certainty that convinced me.

Ah.

Well, that's a charming anecdote

for your obituary.

- Another good one, Frasier. - (laughs) Yeah.

FREDDY: Hey, Dad.

Well, at least David consulted someone.

This one here chose to leave Harvard

without talking to anybody.

I'm fine, thanks for asking.

And that's not true. I talked to a lot of people.

Really? You didn't talk to me.

Oh, nothing personal, I just... didn't want to.

I did get some great advice from one of my professors.

Really? Which one?

Uh...

I can't remember his name, it was so long ago.

- What did he say? - Mm.

It wasn't that it was anything that profound,

it was just... he was so clear about it.

You know, I-I asked him if I should drop out,

and he just simply said, "Indubitably."

You told Freddy to drop out of Harvard?

I can tell you're upset.

No. Upset? Why would I be upset?

My son came to you for advice,

and you simply shared your wisdom with him.

Thank you, I am grateful.

Ah, wonderful. Well, I'll be on my way.

How dare you?!

You told my son to drop out of Harvard

and become a firefighter?!

Which I am entirely okay with.

You could have told me that he was considering

the noblest of professions,

but instead you hid from me this rash decision

to become the kind of hero that just...

makes my heart swell with pride.

I love you, Freddy.

You go to hell, Alan.

(jazz music playing)

Oh, no. It's worse than I thought.

You're listening to jazz.

Obviously there are no rules in friendship.

Why should there be rules in music?

(music stops)

Oh, come on, Dad, this is silly.

You and Alan have been friends for decades.

Centuries?

Decades.

Which makes it even worse.

He knew that you were making a life-altering decision,

- yet he kept it from me for years. - (knock at door)

How can I ever trust him again?

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

Sorry to barge in on you like this, Frasier,

but I can't stand seeing Alan without you.

Mostly because I can't stand Alan without you.

Look, I-I'm sorry, I-I just can't face him right now.

Listen, I don't like giving Alan credit, but...

This might be the first time, actually.

But back when I began at Harvard,

this guy I just started dating was moving to California.

He wanted me to go with him, I was torn.

So I asked Alan if I should stay here.

And do you know what he said?

"Indubitably"?

(chuckling): No, he said, and I quote,

"Obviously, you bloody loon."

(laughs) It was exactly what I needed to hear.

I was supposed to meet Christopher at the airport

the next morning, but I did not go.

Thank you, Olivia.

That may be exactly what I needed to hear.

Hmm.

Wait, did I tell Christopher that I wasn't...

Shoot.

See, Dad?

Alan can be oddly helpful

when you're wrestling with a big decision.

Hmm. Maybe I did overreact.

Probably because I still feel guilty

that I wasn't here for you then.

Now's when you say

that I don't need to keep feeling guilty about that.

I don't want to tell you how to feel, Dad.

Yeah, all right.

Well, that's a relief. Christopher landed on his feet.

Looks like he started a biotech company. (chuckles)

Oh, good for him. He looks happy.

Although it's hard to tell in the shadow of that yacht.

Come on, Dad.

Alan's your best friend. Just talk to him.

You know, neither of us behaved perfectly.

Why should I have to apologize first?

(phone dings)

Still, we do owe it to our friendship

to try to work things out.

Was that an alert that your ham's just arrived?

Just cleared customs!

We got an hour to figure this out.

Okay, I'm headed to the station to talk to some scouts,

I'll give you a ride.

Terrific. Come on, Olivia.

(laughs) I dodged a bullet.

Look at this poor woman with Christopher.

So bored, nothing to do but sunbathe and drink champagne.

Does this look like a girlfriend or a sister?

Well, they're kissing, so...

Frasier.

Alan.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

- I'm working up to it, Freddy. - No, the...

This photo of me on your desk.

I had frosted tips for like one week.

Alan...

I'm not entirely sure

that you completely deserved all the vitriol

you may have received from me.

Shall I grab a pair of garden shears

so you can hedge your apology a bit more?

I'm-I'm just hurt that you didn't share that with me

and you kept it from me all this time.

But Frederick explained to me

that he was very grateful for your advice.

You should know I would never offer my counsel capriciously.

Of course.

Thank you for helping my son.

I would do it again in heartbeat.

And I would ask that you not.

As long as we can trust each other again.

Of course we can.

Aw.

You know, people joke about the true meaning of Ham Day,

but this?

God bless us, every one.

Speaking of, any news on our little friend?

Yes, yes. He's cleared customs, the courier has collected him,

and David is standing by.

You know, I received

a tin of quince paste in a gift basket.

That would pair excellently with our jamón.

Uh, why did you receive a gift basket?

Oh, it's, uh, condolences on my mother's passing.

I, uh, had to cancel all my classes.

Oh, your mom died?

Mm. Fourth time this year.

I'll go and check the common area.

Right. I'll continue the search here.

Okay, well, I'm gonna destroy all evidence of Malibu Freddy...

...and head to the station.

What's this?

Enchanted Snooker Ball.

Huh, so it's, what, like some British knockoff

- of a Magic 8 Ball? - (chuckles)

"Have a spot of tea and ask again later."

Yes, I suppose it is. (laughs)

All right, well, I'm glad you two are friends again.

After all, today is a day for ham.

Not beef.

Yes, off you go.

Has Frasier Crane still got it?

"Indubitably."

Did Alan use a ridiculous toy

to determine my son's future?

"Obviously, you bloody loon."

(knock at door)

Delivery for Frasier Crane?

Yes, perfect.

Screw those guys. I made sangria anyway.

Ooh, is that the ham?

Let me try it.

No, don't touch it.

My uncle doesn't think I'm capable enough

to go to Cameroon.

So you're gonna prove him wrong by...

keeping his ham safe?

Not just safe.

Pristine.

Whoa, quite the spread.

Uh, yes, Uncle Frasier gathered all the fixings

for a Ham Day feast.

Crusty bread, Manchego,

dessert, sangria.

Sangria?

Well, after you left,

he realized he liked the idea.

That son of a bitch.

Ooh, an instruction card.

I love these.

We have to follow this to the letter.

"Take the ham out of its packaging."

(grunts)

(romantic music playing)

What is that?

It's called ambiance.

I'll dim the lights.

Why do you know how to romance

a pig and not a human woman?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. - Eve, what are you doing?

They'll be here...

Oh, wow.

This is better than sex.

Okay.

Can you at least tell us why we're here?

Yeah, Dad, the scouts were waiting.

Why'd you call us back?

Patience, please.

It's a no-go on the quince, Frasier.

I can't-- Oh.

Ah.

Luckily, I have something

just as delicious to serve.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, welcome back

to the room in which Alan changed your lives forever.

Does it seem like he's gearing up for something?

Yep. "Gonna be late."

What if I told you that the cautious,

well-reasoned advice

Alan espoused came not

from deliberate consideration

but rather from...

an Enchanted Snooker Ball.

- A what? - It's basically a Magic 8 Ball.

The so-called "advice guru"

is nothing more than a charlatan, a, a fortune teller

with a pool hall oracle.

Oh, dear, that's Mother.

She hasn't been well.

Hold on! Hold on.

Are you telling me that...

I dumped Christopher-- my Christopher--

because of a toy?

An enchanted toy.

I realize the optics aren't in my favor,

but I do have an explanation.

"Maybe start without me."

It's called "revealed preference theory."

Sometimes a life decision

is so momentous, it can paralyze a person.

So I gave Freddy and Olivia

clear, definitive advice

which allowed them to finally move forward.

The theory says that if the subject made

the right decision, their confidence will grow.

(voice breaking): And if it's the wrong decision?

Yeesh.

Well, after a brief honeymoon period,

they start to feel regret and ultimately realize

that the other path was the right one

and then reverse course.

Alan, if the answer doesn't matter,

then what's with the ball?

Why not just toss a coin?

Whimsy.

Works for me.

Here you go.

FRASIER: Well, it doesn't work for me.

My son...

came to you for advice, and you made him

the subject of a frivolous experiment.

There's nothing frivolous about the Enchanted Snooker Ball.

I've just explained that.

He was in a time of crisis, and you kept it from me.

How many years did we barely speak with each other

after that?

Why? Why would you do that?

Because you would've given your son bad advice.

You would have completely ignored what Freddy wanted

in deference to your own expectations of him.

I gave him the strength to realize

what was important to him and the confidence

to follow through.

Well...

that was not your call to make.

You've crossed a line, Alan.

I don't know how we get past this.

I hate to say this, but Ham Day...

- Frasier, no. - ...is canceled!

Half of that pig is mine!

Eve, look what you did, now there's a bigger hole.

- This was my chance to prove myself. - Okay.

It's okay, we can fix this.

I have a bag of fresh herbs.

How does you getting high right now help, Eve?

No, to cover the spot-- you know what?

Just put it on the jamonero.

I'll be right back.

"Place ham on the jamonero."

"Handle with the utmost care."

*

♪ ♪

(groans)

(grunting)

Oh, oh...

(sighs)

(garbage disposal grinding)

This was on the card?

So, while we work as a unit,

we're more like a family.

Okay, who's got questions?

How long have you been a firefighter?

Almost 15 years.

Did you always want to be one?

Uh, no, no, as a matter of fact,

I studied to become a doctor before dropping out.

That sounds like a hard decision.

Yeah, yeah, it was.

It's funny, I was just talking about this.

Luckily, I got some great advice

from one of my professors.

A professor's kind of like a teacher.

Teachers are so smart.

Aren't they?

Also, this is kind of funny.

I just found out he got his advice

from what's basically a Magic 8 Ball.

- The toy? - (laughs): Yeah.

Your teacher asked a toy if you should be a firefighter?

Well...

That's not funny.

You could die doing this job.

My grandpa died in a fire.

What's funny about this?

I-I said "kind of funny."

What sort of terrible teacher would do that?

Did you go to the worst college?

It was Harvard.

You dropped out of Harvard

to be a firefighter?

Yeah, 'cause of the advice.

- Because of an 8 ball? - A Magic 8 Ball.

Is that supposed to be the funny part?

- Okay. - Wait.

Why didn't you ask your parents for advice?

Do they give bad advice?

(laughs) These questions.

Uh, so no.

Uh, as a matter of fact, my dad's famous for giving advice.

What? That's so dumb.

Do you hate your dad?

No. (laughs)

I don't hate my dad.

In fact, I felt really bad

when he found out about this yesterday.

He found out yesterday?

KIDS: What?

Okay, okay, we-we... we can calm down.

It's not like my dad's mad at me or anything.

I mean, he's super mad at his best friend.

Why is he mad at his best friend?

Oh, 'cau-- uh, 'cause that was my professor.

You went to your dad's best friend

instead of him for advice about dropping out of college

and only told him yesterday?

I didn't tell him. He figured it out.

He should be mad at you.

You're the coward who caused all this.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Who wants to pet Sparky? - KIDS: Me!

Okay.

- (grunts) - You're not doing it right.

And stop eating it while we're trying to get...

Dude, I'm helping. There's less to get out now.

(grunting)

Well, at least the sangria's okay.

Oh, no.

All I am saying is that Christopher...

Oh, God, they're here. What do we do?

I have an idea. Just stall them.

Hey, everybody.

Be right back. (whistling)

- (door closes) - Tragic news, David.

Ham Day is canceled.

What? No.

I'm collecting my half and leaving.

Uh, what? No.

Look, i-if we're gonna split the ham,

we've got to do this as fairly as possible.

I'm, uh, ordering a kitchen scale and a bone saw.

Should be here by end of week.

- David, just get the ham. - ALAN: And hurry up.

I don't want to spend a second longer here than I need to.

Agreed.

Guys, please, no more fighting.

- Are you okay? - Not really.

I was just picked on by a bunch of kids

that couldn't make the soccer team.

Look, if you should be mad at anyone,

it should be me.

Right? I put you in an impossible position

between me and my dad, and, Dad, I...

shouldn't have made such a huge decision without you.

Thank you, Freddy.

I appreciate that.

So come on... (stammers)

You guys have been friends for decades,

so let's just sit down and hash this out.

No.

I refuse to eat jamón with this mountebank.

Will you two knock it off?

This was 15 years ago.

You don't see Christopher dwelling on the fact

that I broke up with him and now

he has to drown his sorrows with a woman

(high-pitched): who looks uncomfortably like me.

Anyway...

maybe it would help if you reminded yourselves

why this ham is so important.

I mean, come on, Dad, you've told me

that story a million times.

(stammers) There's a Ham Day origin story?

Tell it and take as long as you like.

That's actually not a bad idea.

Dad?

Alan?

(sighs)

We ate ham in Spain. End of story.

Come on, there's more to it than that.

How'd it start, Dad? You were, uh...

you were buying ladies' sandals.

They were espadrilles.

A classic Spanish shoe.

He convinced me to join him,

but we missed the bus and walked for three hours,

trying to find our group from Oxford.

Yes, which I rather enjoyed because of my espadrilles.

But Alan was whining like a goat,

which seemed to attract a-a wild ibex.

No, the eye-watering colors

of your bolero jacket attracted the ibex.

- That's why it chased you up a tree. - Yes.

I was stranded on a branch when Alan left.

I thought he'd abandoned me, but...

But I'd gone scrambling for a rock.

Now, stone in hand, I launched, knowing my aim was true...

And hit me square in the face.

Yes, but the scream you let out frightened away the ibex.

Alan helped me down from the tree.

We'd lost touch with our group, so we wandered about

without provision, aimlessly, for hours.

And just as I was convinced we would die out there,

we spotted a taberna,

rising like a mirage on the mesa.

FRASIER (chuckles): And so we went in

- and ordered a bottle of local Rioja. - (chuckles)

And we feasted on the most succulent,

melt-in-the-mouth jamón ibérico.

And do you remember the-the two señoritas

that we met that night?

Oh, those dark-eyed sirens.

Oh, they stole our hearts.

- And wallets. - Yeah.

- And my espadrilles. - Mm.

We called our parents, they paid for the meal,

they yelled at us.

I told Alan's parents it was all my fault.

And I told Frasier's parents it was all mine, and...

we've been best friends ever since.

(laughs softly)

I'm sorry. I never should have doubted you.

You've always been there for me.

I'm sorry, too.

I promise never to help your son again.

Well, then, that's settled.

I have to say, this-this,

this theory of yours, it-it's the height of stupidity.

Well, not the height of stupidity.

I mean, it-it worked for Freddy and Olivia.

They wouldn't change anything.

- That's true. - I would change everything.

All right.

Who wants ham?

Well, I must admit,

Rodrigo looks delicious.

- Rodrigo? - I begged you not to name him.

Where did you find another ibérico ham?

I didn't, I just had some Black Forest left over from the deli.

You think that'll work?

It's not like I remember it, but...

- Mmm. - You know, I agree, but...

sharing it with you makes it okay.

Yes, it does.

(whispers): Oh, my God, it's working.

- I can't believe they're buying... - Enough!

Stop turning the screws on me. I confess.

To what?

I ruined the ham.

It's sitting in your kitchen

on a bed of shattered glass and shameful lies.

Oh...

What rash and bloody deed is this?

It was greasy and it fell in the cake

and then it got stuck in the garbage disposal,

and then Eve tried to get high.

I-- and I'm sorry, Dr. Cornwall,

I know you believed in me, but I-I can't go to Cameroon.

See? Theory works.

And if it's any consolation, David,

I never believed in you.

That is such a relief. Thank you.

You know, I was going to...

make a toast, but my sangria's all over the floor.

Hmm, bummer. We have my sangria.

Very well. Uh...

Everyone, to friendship...

...to forgiveness...

and to the true spirit of Ham Day.

Hey, Christopher.

It's Livvy. I've been thinking, and...

I will go to California with you.

Freddy?

God bless us, every one.

("Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs" playing)

FRASIER: Y'all know how this goes.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪

Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged.

(chuckles)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Life's callin' again. ♪

And a happy Ham Day to all.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0