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♪ Tubi, Tubi ♪

Did someone order the spicy tuna?

Mercedes, how many times I gotta tell ya?

Hush, you'll scare the trout.

As long as you're not tellin' anybody that we're hangin' out,

Randy, what choice do I have?

When it comes to Purgatory friendships, it's, uh...

Slim pickins at the fishing hut.

A jiggler? What is this? Trawling for noobs?

♪ Uh, uh, um ♪

Shortbread martini?

Did you add my nutmeg twist?

Please.

Okay, they're bitin'.

Oh, they're really biting.

What did you do, bait the lines with crack?

Sheesh, boys, buy me dinner first.

Do you think we could make it to the cars?

Gotta hoof it.

Good thing I always dress for cardio.

Nedley!

Sheriff Nedley!

Randy?

Maybe a little. Hell was cold and dark

and I've been on my own for years.

Look, Lock Mess, I don't know what you are--

Ah!

Not here for you. Argh!

But just to be sure,

this is the Ghost River Triangle

where bad things happen to good people?

Hey, bad thing,

get away from her.

Sure, Grandpa.

Though, isn't she a little bit young for you?

Not that young.

Way to kick a girl when she's down.

She's the second-best angler I know.

And she's my friend.

Look, I'm not picky.

I only need one of you to bring me the heir.

The Earp heir? Wynonna...

Hey, snow snatch!

Not him.

You want Earp?

I've been her ride or die since high school.

But guess what?

Wynonna doesn't live here anymore.

Oh, I know.

But she'll be back.

Once I bait the hook.

Eenie, meenie, miney...

...hoe.

Not the face. It's been through so much.

And I wish I could see

the look on yours when Wynonna Earp

kicks your icy ass!

No!

♪ Tell that girl to take you back ♪

♪ Take you back, take you back

♪ My heart went from red to black ♪

♪ Red to black, red to black

♪ Came up from that lake of fire ♪

♪ Lake of fire, lake of fire

♪ Only have that one desire

♪ One desire, one desire

♪ Got a tank full of gasoline

♪ 'Cause you bring your fire in me ♪

Gentlemen.

Which one of you's gonna flush my backdoor?

Ow! I didn't even get to cheat yet!

♪ Told that devil ♪

Argh!

You hit like a girl.

Hard and with perfect form.

What kind of idiot thinks she can scam

Paco Daisy in his own casino?

The kind that doesn't carry an I.D.

Though, you are one chips and guac

away from a free chalupa.

You asshole. That's na-chos to take.

Hey,

what's with the Wyatt Earp swag?

Oh, right, famous lawman.

Old West shootout and the OK Corral

right here in Tombstone? Guys...

He's a big deal around these parts!

White folks do love their violent heroes.

When they're feeling patriotic, they spend more at the buffet.

Wyatt Earp.

Just another apocryphal colonizer

who got a revisionist history thanks to his big gun.

Hey, I apologize, Chayton.

I assumed you were just muscle.

Got my PhD at Brown. 19th century Americana.

Your big words are being wasted here.

You wanna chat?

Chayton.

Sorry, boss.

Okay. Oh!

Okay.

Admit that one hurt. That one smart.

Can't take a beating like when I was 27.

Might as well give it up, girlie.

Your partner already spilled.

Partner?

Doc! What have they done to you?

Turned me into a video game.

When this is over, I promise you

mouth to south resuscitation.

Oh, you really don't want this to be over.

What was your angle here, hmm?

Grease my dealer?

Have moustache boy count cards?

I'm awfully flattered to be addressed as boy,

considering my advanced age.

Get this, blue eyes thinks he's Doc Holliday.

Wyatt Earp's buddy?

You know, I don't love your tone.

Oh.

Doc Holliday,

the greatest gunslinger who ever lived?

Top 20 for sure.

I beg your pardon.

I would have gotten away with robbing you fools blind

if Wynonna could learn to bluff.

Well, at least I'm not a weapon.

Hey.

Ah, ah, ah!

It was in her Spanx.

Go start digging the hole.

Okay don't-don't cheese your beans.

Peacemaker only kills demons.

Lights up when you point it at one.

Well, lights up for me.

And me.

You cheatin' hussy.

What?

I think I found the boss' tell.

Paco is a demon.

We're never gonna get that chalupa.

Stop by the café, Sheriff.

We just put a fresh pot on for you.

What, both of you? Just when I needed it.

Thank you, Chrissy.

Hi, Natalie. - Hi.

Go Blue Devils!

Hey, Nicole, lookin' good. - Hey, Kyle, back at ya.

How's your brother?

I got those tulips you ordered, Sheriff.

Oh, Freddie. Thank you so much.

I will be by the shop later, okay?

Well, well, well.

Ma'am, you, uh, you can't park here.

I'm waiting for my wife.

She's like a big deal in this town.

You trying to nepo baby your way out of a $30 ticket?

Also hoping to get frisked. - Oh, really?

Mrs. Waverly Earp.

Mrs. Nicole Haught.

Ahem! Public dis-gays of affection?

Kind of unprofessional, don't ya think?

Hi, Bunny.

So girls, uh,

Randy Nedley didn't show up for samba karate this morning.

Oh, uh... - Anyhoo, I gotta fly.

I gotta go ice my dojo.

That Sensei Rick is very thorough.

Bye-bye.

Wow.

I kinda miss when she was too homophobic to overshare.

So, what are you thinking?

That my mentor, the Sheriff Emeritus,

Mr. Randy Nedley, often has one too many Beer Tab Blues

while out on his highly illegal fishing hut,

which I have to pretend I don't know anything about.

Still, do you fancy a drive

to the edge of the Ghost River Triangle?

Hmm. I thought you'd never ask.

Oh, also, I picked up the mail.

Oh, yay! A new postcard from Wynonna.

Oh, my God.

It's so funny to think about your sister

acting all touristy at the place

where your ancestor made his mark.

Sounds like she's in a good place.

What now, Earp?

Same as always, just have fun out there.

That's right, pork chop,

Wynonna Earp. Crazy chick with a demon killing gun.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ha!

Doc!

This was our play.

Get caught so you'd bring us to the one room

we couldn't breach, your vault.

You Earp slut!

Huh. There's that high tone 'tude they love in hell.

Which is where I'm about to send you.

Ahem. Uh, may I?

I'd rather ya didn't.

Hi.

Hello.

You like that?

It is always a treat watching you do what you do best.

There's one more thing I'm pretty good at.

Need I remind you that we are here to crack a safe?

You need pants for that?

I do not. - Okay.

♪ Move it, faster

♪ Takin' over

♪ Gettin' bigger

♪ Comin' closer

♪ It's the sound of a banging drum ♪

♪ Taking you by surprise

♪ It's gonna be wild

♪ It's gonna be big time

♪ It's gonna be ♪

Nedley?

Mercedes?

Sheriff Randy Nedley!

Two whole years runnin' cons out of the back of a suitcase.

Mm-hmm. But every dollar we steal--

Borrow... brings us one step closer to getting our own farm.

A place to settle down.

Bring Alice home from Aunt Gus' place in Montana.

All right, enough math. Let's hit the blackjack tables.

That also requires math.

Make this wad into a bigger wad.

The way you play, darlin',

which is good and roostered, our wads only get smaller.

You love me roostered.

I love you. Full stop.

Then why are you being such a wad?

We spent some of this on things you wanted.

I don't remember wanting to lose ten grand

at the tables last month.

I'm sorry. I'm... I'm tired.

Boring.

Oh, come on, I didn't--

You're not, I didn't mean...

You're not, you're not, obviously.

I believe I shall take some air.

Come on, stay and take the Earp heir. Again.

I just need to clear my head.

Will it be hours or days this time?

Don't wait up.

I never do.

Nedley!

Oh, Nedley.

I was too slow. Mercedes.

It's okay. Hey, hey, hey.

You're hurt, but you're alive, okay?

Wait... - Stay still.

Waited for you.

I knew you would come.

Okay, shh.

911, what's your emergency?

I need paramedics on Route 72. - South of town?

That's right, border of the Ghost River Triangle.

We're on our way. - Okay. Hey! I found Nedley!

Attacked by a bear!

That wasn't a bear.

Baby girl, did you get my postcard?

I think Mercedes is dead.

What do you mean dead?

What do you mean "Earp"?

Okay.

Okay, come on, cowboy, pick up.

Of course.

Do it the old fashioned way.

Okay.

Here I come.

♪ I've got a fever runnin' like 100 degrees ♪

♪ I am the real thing

♪ Gather 'round and follow my lead ♪

♪ I'm like a bad storm goin' down in history ♪

♪ Test me and see

♪ You're not gonna wanna mess with me ♪

♪ You just wait, wait and see

♪ You're not gonna wanna mess with me ♪

Oh...

The meal earmuffed hello?

I, I was just hoping for a hug.

You bring donuts? - I didn't even bring a bra.

Baby girl. Baby girl's woman.

We weren't expecting you so soon.

I drove the Pacomobile all night.

Welcome home, Wynonna.

Oh, I still use these ribs on the regular.

My hero. The champion.

Fucking Wynonna is fine.

Whoa!

So, you moved the kitchen. (Waverly): Mm-hmm.

It's smart. Turned my bedroom into a craft room.

Dumb. But since you're renovating,

I'd also redo the stairs. - Oh, shut your mouth!

When did Karen from planet Hobby Lobby move in?

Is that a homophobic typo?

Oh, that's why we got it free.

Reclaimed phrase, reclaimed wood.

Speaking of reclaimed wood, where's Doc?

Where's all my stuff?

Do you mean your weed?

No.

We donated it to the orphanage.

Oh, those kids are gonna get fucked up.

Look at all this stuff! More BBD gak?

Enough googly eyes to choke an unlicensed daycare.

And honest-to-fuckin' loom!

Jesus, Haught, you should be keeping my sister busier.

Oh, we maintain a robust schedule.

Yeah, I see that on your chore wheel.

Hey, it's your turn to clean the baseboards.

Whatever that means in gay.

Lemme guess, box of condoms?

Bup-bup-bup-bah, bup-bah.

That is the Elchur Minificial Box of Containment.

Well, I can barely contain how jazzed I am

that my box has to sleep in the barn.

After Mercedes' wake.

How bad was it?

Uh, let's just say there's not gonna be an open casket.

So, demons. - We don't know that.

Nicole, what was left of Mercedes' bits

was used to spell out our last name.

So, unless some enterprising coyote

has taught themselves how to read,

then we need the Earp heir home.

Even if it's a trap?

Especially if it's a trap.

You both have five minutes to get funeral fabulous.

Okay. - Meet you by the demon limo.

The thing that did this is a-fucked!

What?

I just, I wish you would've talked to me

before you called her.

I don't need my wife's permission to call my sister.

No, I...

What are you gonna wear?

Gotcha two coffees. With extra coffee.

Truce?

Wynonna uh...

Oh, I will be.

And you misspelled trouble.

Hey, this is mid.

Almost forgot about the Purgatory side eye.

And Mercedes Gardiner was more midriff than mid.

She would want this to be a real panty-dropper.

Mah!

Ooh! Hi, baby. - Hi.

Let's get a drink. - You mean another drink?

Hey! We spent hours trying to figure out what did this.

And what flavor Pop Tarts goes best with the gin.

It's frosted strawberry.

(bartender): Ladies.

You know what? We had a lot of catching up to do,

so we caught up with the catch up.

Uh yeah, you do you.

Be right back. - Baby!

Is it just me or did your wife get more uptight?

The town is finally thriving.

She just doesn't want things to like...

Oh, 'cause everybody

here hates me? - Not the people that matter.

I did a hell of a lot for these numpties.

I kept you safe from de-- - Deez nuts!

Father Bertucci!

My sweet child.

Wynonna...

You piss in one font.

You did the best you could.

Whatever.

I'm here for her.

She died with her boots on.

Those things are hideous.

Even the bear wouldn't touch them.

Throttle down, Jasmine.

Body's not even cold.

Well, the body's in several pieces.

Yeah, know what that tells me?

She fought like fuck.

Mercedes went down swinging.

What a crazy, awesome bitch.

Mercedes thought she was such hot shit since high school.

Yeah, takes shit to know shit.

You saying you're shit? - Don't twist her words!

I wasn't there for much of high school.

Left to major in jello shots and juvie.

Got exiled to the Hanley Home for Girls, first.

We got up to some wild there, eh, Wynonna?

I minored in childhood trauma, Sheree.

It's all a bit hazy.

The three of us, and Penny Kessley.

We were kinda mean to you.

It was a long time ago.

Where is Penny?

Probably couldn't get a sitter.

Her kid's dad is being such a tool.

You know, Wynonna's got a great system for dealing

with bad dads, claim it was demons

and shoot them in the back.

After you.

Now someone's 'bout to get punched in the front.

Stop.

So, Wynonna's home.

Oh, yeah. She always knew how to make an entrance.

Oh, you sound jealous.

Oh, come on, she's wild, I'm mild. It works.

Yeah.

Friendships are like that.

Mercedes could barely keep up with this rizz.

I-I got your text.

I don't really understand what...

pineapple, pineapple, robot emoji means.

It means I got a broken wing

and I don't text good.

I'm just glad you're okay.

I don't feel okay.

And I don't remember much,

including what the perp looked like,

so don't bother asking me.

You kidding? It's a miracle you're even upright.

Gave you enough drugs to knock out Iowa.

Huh. Opiates don't work on me anymore.

I passed 17 kidney stones in four years.

It's chilly out.

There's a cold front rolling in.

There's a rum punch, and they got the game on.

Can't quite bring myself to go in there.

Hey, hey, none of this is your fault.

Twenty years ago, I woulda gotten to the truck faster,

I woulda had that shotgun in the hut with me.

Younger me might've saved her.

Yeah well, a younger you wouldn't have been friends

with the likes of Mercedes.

That counts.

Nicole, Purgatory hasn't lost anyone

for a long time in this way.

I got it covered. All right?

I've been telling everyone it was an animal attack.

Oh, careful. Careful, Sheriff Haught.

I lied to everybody for 30 years about what goes on around here.

To keep them safe.

I was scared.

Don't be like me.

Don't confuse protecting people with deciding for them.

This is just, it's a blip.

Whatever happens next, I can handle it.

(Waverly): Bottle, you numpty!

You better start

with the sinner sisters.

Keep my sister's name out of your viper mouth.

She went from Pop Tarts to poppin' tarts.

Okay, that is enough!

I can take the littlest lesbian.

She's bisexual, you muppet.

I actually identify as pansexual now.

Aw, baby girl, your journey.

My god, you stupid Earps!

You both are going home right now.

I'm calling you a cab.

Shotgun!

No way, I get car sick in the back!

Oh, but don't worry, I'm gonna be up all night

filing a report

about why there was a battle royale at a wake.

Just as Mercedes would have wanted-ah!

Wynonna... - Your mom's mad, dude.

No way. She loves paperwork.

And I love her.

Mah! - Okay, out!

Don't worry everybody.

It's uh, it's all uphill from here.

Ahem.

Oh, I'm...

Working after hours.

All by your lonesome.

That's Nedley's lucky bandana.

He certainly was luckier than, uh... Mercedes.

Hands up, now! - Or what?

Or I blow them off your wrists.

I'm the sheriff of Purgatory.

Well, you're a lot more than that, Nicole Haught.

You're Wynonna Earp's best friend.

Oh!

Ah...

What do you want with Wynonna?

Revenge, payback, the whole Moby Dick.

Oh yeah, you certainly seem like a dick, all right.

Okay, okay, we can trade quips later.

Right now, I need the first

of three precious things from you.

Number one, your wedding ring.

Over my dead body.

Get out of my head.

Oh...

Ow!

What do you want?

Doesn't anyone listen around here?

Ah!

Your ring and revenge.

Revenge is overrated. I should know.

Doc.

And that's my cue.

Next stop,

Wynonna's teen trauma.

Hugs and kisses to Dawson's Freak.

And that was confusing.

And painful. Ah!

I saw the light on

and I knew the best lawman that Purgatory's ever known

was burning the midnight candle.

Or fighting a particularly comely demon.

Yeah, well it was either her or the Earp sisters.

They're also on my shit list. Ow...

So, business as usual.

This one feels personal.

Haven't been that drunk in ages.

It was long overdue.

Like a lot of things.

But these blankets smell like horse.

When's the last time you washed 'em?

I'm pretty sure that's your old leather jacket.

More whiskey? - No, I'm good.

But you're better bad. - Hmm. Bad influence.

Nicole will be fine. Ah.

Kinda thought she'd be more jazzed to see me.

Wynonna Earp,

feeling guilty and turning down hooch.

Doc's got you tamed.

Look, if anything, Doc thinks I am a lot.

There's no way.

I don't know.

Keeps disappearing for hours at a time.

I mean, we're still the best. We're still the best

when we're fighting or fucking. - Roger that.

But when we have to stop running and talk,

it's just never been our strong suit.

We're saving up to buy a place.

Alice is five now.

A little kid who could use a mom.

But she has one, Aunt Gus.

You deserve to be happy, Wynonna.

I am happy knowing my daughter is safe.

I can't even keep my baby sister from getting jumped

by some group home skanks. How would Doc and I

protect a kid?

With your whole heart.

You have to tell your person how you feel.

You first.

What? What's that supposed to mean?

You've been working police dispatch.

Yes.

And Chrissy's coffee bar.

Volunteering at the old folks' home.

With the occasional shift at the Cat Café.

Though tending pussy's more of a hobby.

Don't change the subject with a hilarious off color joke.

That's my move.

You've also developed a crippling craft addiction

that has robbed me of a bedroom.

Now who's running in place?

What else am I supposed to do around here?

Literally anything you want.

Jeremy has been calling.

He wants me to join him overseas.

Restructure the Black Badge Division.

That's your future right there, baby girl.

I... I can't leave Nicole.

Leaving doesn't mean forever.

I'm puddin' proof of that, baby.

Nicole's no stranger to ambition,

and she's not selfish.

Gingerdread can take care of herself.

Little help?

She took your ring? - Your wedding ring?

Baby, it's just a broken finger.

She broke your finger? I love that finger.

You're gonna have to get creative with your sex lives.

Park their melting moments for a spell.

Switch to toes for a few weeks.

It's not the primary digit for that.

Digit get a look at this asshole?

Big blonde mane, fit. Tentacle powers.

She is hard to miss. - But you did miss.

No, I aimed true.

My bullets did nothing.

So, a demon. - A demon who would've killed me

if Doc hadn't have shown up. - It is the ideal finger

to lose if you had to choose. - I did not get to choose.

Well, it sounds like Octobussy will be easy to find.

Most people think the pinky finger is superfluous.

But you need it. Yep, for balance.

Sounds wrong to say this exactly right now,

but I've missed this.

The batshittery of our lives.

The batshittery of you girls.

Now it feels less like a reunion

and more like a reboot.

Well, I'd like to reboot this demon and her cooch.

She's gathering items. My ring was just the first.

She said she needs three precious things.

Wynonna, she called you Dawson's Freak.

What did you say?

And I did manage to swipe this off her wrist.

It's a friendship bracelet with Waverly's name on it.

My name but not my bracelet.

When I was six years old, I... I made it.

For me.

Hang on. I got it.

Not you, Henry. We're talkin'.

Oh, Jerusalem's crickets.

It was 20 years ago. The day I lost this bracelet.

I was 15 years old living in a shitty group home,

Hanly's Wayward Girls.

I was so determined to show them.

Them who?

The other Dawson's Freaks.

That's what we called ourselves.

Holy shit.

Seriously, Wynonna,

this place is even creepier than I imagined.

No wonder you're so fucking weird.

Stop pooping in your low rise jeans.

If you're that scared, we can jet.

I'm bored and I'm cold.

I thought we'd at least do it inside the murder house.

It's not a murder house, it's a murder home.

Cute.

Wyatt Earp took this lasso from the old west sheriff

who put a curse on him, the demon Clootie.

My clootie is itchy.

And ammolite is the hell mineral.

Bedrock surrounding the homestead is loaded with it.

This is a load all right. - Look, Penny, Jasmine, Sheree,

you all wanted me to prove it.

But this land, my family, the curse, that is all real.

All right. Keep your tampon in.

It has to be now.

Today's the only day we can do it.

Thursday? - Time of the hunger moon.

That's so not a thing.

The Blackfoot call it Ka'toyi.

When the veil between Earth and the underworld

is at its thinnest.

And all your energy turns to survival.

Sure, Wynonna.

So, is this really where you shot your dad?

I was aiming for the ghouls who grabbed him.

But yeah.

You actually believe demons did it, don't you?

They've been coming for me and my own my whole life.

Revenis ad se ostendendum invocamus.

In nomine Clootie. In nomine Earp.

It's the cops. We gotta bail.

Wait, my bracelet. My baby sister made me that!

Who cares? We're busted. (Young Nedley): Okay, come out

of there with your hands up.

You're all under arrest for trespassing.

And that was it for me from there on out.

It was all mental institutions and juvie 'til I turned 18.

Now it turns out that wasn't my only fuck up.

We must have conjured up a demon after all.

But okay, what's it doing here 20 years later?

The hunger moon is in two days.

We've got everything this demon wants right here.

On the homestead? - Of course not.

Demons can't get past the ammolite bedrock.

Yeah, well, guess what?

This bitch doesn't play by the rules.

She wants some second magical item.

Baby brainy girl can figure out what it is.

It's gonna be somewhere in Purgatory.

No, no, no, you're not gonna use my town as bait.

Or my wife. - Why?

'Cause you're the only one who gets to keep

Waverly on the hook? - What's that supposed to mean?

Despite bad circumstances, I'm simply delighted to see you.

Hmm. - And your new hairdo

is so fetching.

That is for whoring, and gambling,

and leaving Wynonna alone at night.

Most evenings I simply walk.

I do some birdwatching.

But you must see the fresh fire in Wynonna's eyes

in the face of all this.

Two years ago, she ran away with me expecting a circus.

So, I must feign to let the tiger out now and then.

The woman I love is...

she's addicted to calamity.

She does get easily bored.

Yeah, well, the last thing that I want is Wynonna Earp

to get bored of me.

But you've changed.

Change is natural.

So, why should it feel like a betrayal?

Is that Megan Thee Stallion?

She's so good.

You know, the first time I pressed play

I was expecting something different.

Well, anxiety aside, it must be tiring.

I will never tire

loving the wildest stallion of them all.

Mustang. Stallions are boys.

Waverly Earp, are you attempting

to school me on the ponies?

I mean,

even though he's been dead to the world for centuries,

you still have to play Doc Holliday

instead of just being Henry.

You could try not being a dick.

But I wouldn't bet on it.

Can't protect this place or Waverly

by making them smaller.

Well, I mean, you can't just show up here

and destroy everything we've built

because you seanced a little too hard

when you were 15.

If you really wanted to secure Purgatory,

you'd tell them we're under demon attack.

I'm not gonna tell a bunch of people to stop living

their lives just 'cause I can't keep some fentanyl creeping in.

Am I the fentanyl in this scenario?

At least fentanyl takes away your pain.

Wynonna, I would literally kill for you,

but the chaos that you bring.

Waverly could use a little chaos

if it means a chance to spread her wings.

She needs more than hot sex and crochet.

Lately, she can hardly hold back her more,

especially when she is stressed out.

I mean, and nothing stresses her out

more than her big sister. - Wasted potential?

You should have a little more faith in me and your wife.

God forbid Wynonna Earp

doesn't get what she wants.

Yeah, I'd like for you to pull that

judgment stick outta your a--

Ladies, we have company.

Not this guac of shit.

Did you bring me my points card?

I ate your chalupa. - May I introduce--

Agent Lafferty. - Agent?

I was undercover at the Daisy Casino

trying to bag the big boss when you and Wynonna...

Though I'm not sure how you got

the drop on Paco, given he was a--

Asshole? - A demon.

I mean, that seemed pretty far-fetched.

You know what? You can drop the act. I'm one of you.

Black Badge.

It's a cross-border task force

that investigates the paranormal.

Yeah. - Chief Chetri recruited me

after he heard I encountered your work in Tombstone.

Wants me to keep an eye on you.

Jeremy told you to follow us to Purgatory?

Oh, I figured out where you went

when I cased your hotel.

Found your little note to Doc.

That was private. - You misspelled trouble.

And that's judgy.

I'd like answers. - Well, I'd like to be back

in the middle of the threesome in Chicago.

I'll repeat to you now what I said to Doc then,

"Sheath your piece. It's not a shooting contest."

Come on, calm your casino tits. - We just fixed the beams.

This is serious. You're acting like children.

I am tired of busting cutrate mobsters on misdemeanors

and I'm tired of pretending I didn't see something

with red eyes and wings attack my little brother

while we were hiking up Humphrey's Peak.

I'm hungry,

and I wanna be a part of something bigger.

Regardless.

Three Rs?

Two. - Fuck.

We don't need any outside help.

We need all the help we can get.

This thing is built different. - And so am I.

We need guns. - We've got Peacemaker.

Wynonna, you didn't see her. - And she hasn't seen me.

Okay, enough.

Nicole just lost my third favorite finger,

and with Jer Bear gone,

Mercedes dead,

Nedley out of commission.

Seems like you're running out of allies.

Fine.

But...

I'm not babysitting Kid Cock... y.

Welcome to the squad, Agent Lafferty.

Happy to be here.

This is just a tryout.

And this is the plan.

I will case the Hanly Home for Wayward Girls for clues.

Nicole and Waverly will stay where they're safe,

right here. (Waverly): Hey!

You need to research what we conjured up

and what this ring wraith wants

besides a lesbian's golden hoop.

Meanwhile, the boys will dig up the totally unnecessary stash

of old Black Badge weapons. Just in case.

I hid the munitions out here

after I liberated them from an old friend.

He too... was from Arizona.

One man's trash is another man's TNT.

"Ballad of Holliday's Gold". I'd watch that movie.

Alas, this is not a film.

All right, M240 Bravo,

scalable hand grenades.

Ooh, boy howdy,

desert eagle in onyx with a holographic sight.

Not too shabby.

Ah, better than that.

Come on, Holliday,

when's the last time you proved your mettle, huh?

Might be best to test the floor before the war,

as Wynonna would say.

That girl's always in your head.

And my heart.

Need to stretch first? Maybe a baby aspirin?

Well, you know what they say.

Age before beauty.

As I have both, I went first.

Well.

Well, I looked her up.

She's got a criminal record longer than a CVS receipt.

She can hold her liquor, though not her temper.

You aim to put a spoke in my tire

so my shootin' ends up in a ditch.

I'm just trying to understand how that particular ancestor

became the honorable Wyatt Earp's chosen heir.

Honorable.

When you are the last man standing,

you get to write your own story

in whatever fashion you desire.

Including manifesting self-glory.

When it comes to true heroes,

Wynonna is the most genuine I've ever known.

And what does that make you?

A lover.

A father.

A man outta time.

And apparently... a loser.

Fuck all the way off, Penny.

Oh yeah, that's gonna show 'em.

And, uh...

You owe me a quarter for the swear jar.

They never stop.

Look, Wynonna,

you pulled some pretty stupid stuff out there.

I managed to get Officer Nedley's cruiser

on top of the high school.

That's...

fun and gifted.

That's debatable.

It's your behavior in here that's my job.

That's my responsibility. So, here.

"Heal Thyself: Maybe it's You"?

There are worse things than toning it down to fit in.

They call me murderer.

Aren't you?

Look, you... you're picking all these fights

that you can't win. You're one strike away

from getting sent upstate. But I don't know,

maybe that's something that you want?

Maybe you feel like you don't have a home

you can go back to? - You don't know me.

I know that you should be concentrating on one thing,

getting out of this crab bucket.

Hanly Group Home, now with extra STDs.

No, it's an allegory.

When the crab tries to climb out of the bucket,

the others pull it back down.

Place like this can feel like nobody is allowed to succeed.

But Wynonna, you could.

If you were just...

a little bit less,

you could get a lot more.

Is that supposed to inspire me?

You're still working at the same group home you grew up in.

Lording your power over a tiny group of teen girls.

No one's more stuck here than you.

Okay, well, I'm just trying to help you

so that you can stop being selfish and you can help her.

Leave my sister out of this.

I would if I could.

"You were right. You can't save her."

Doc, get back to the homestead now.

We've been played.

I've got Mexican hot cocoa

with extra marshmallows

and chili powder.

Shelf it, Haught.

I know when I'm being managed.

Haught. Uh-oh.

I could have helped.

We are helping, Earp.

In the way that you do best.

What if I'm itching to try something

I'm not already the best at?

Something that's... new?

Another reno?

Running for local office.

Or... the K word?

Kitesurfing?

Oh...

Kids.

Look, Nicole--

Is that her? - Oh, hey, girl.

Just thought I'd...

...pop by.

Demons can't cross the ammolite bedrock.

Hmm, I mostly do what I want.

We need to get our guns. - We don't have time.

Time has not been kind to you, sweetie.

You used to be so bright, so full of life.

Shut up. - You know, we met once

when you were just the kid sister to Wynonna.

Talk about a glow down.

This is our land! - And you are stuck on it.

Day in and day out. Reduced to somebody's wife.

You don't know shit, shit ticket.

She's trying to get in your head.

You've got a lot of darkness inside of you.

For a B cup.

You've had power before.

Do you want another taste?

And in return, you will help me.

Get the fuck out of here!

Not before I get what I came for.

Hey, Waverly!

I'll trade you for it.

Bring it to me. You can't defeat me.

We can't defeat her. We must comply.

Come on, baby, I know you didn't just fuckin' say that.

We cannot undo what has been promised.

We must all submit to our destinies.

Woman, you've never submitted a day in your life!

Well, let's give it a try. Ah, look at that, it worked.

Whoa, Ranger. Okay.

The bracelet. The other bracelet.

I shall find what is cherished.

You'd better be looking for a Xanax.

Bring it to me.

She shall receive my mercy, or we shall feel her wrath.

You need to stop.

Or I'll stop you.

Baby, if you love me,

you will... stop...

Grace shall be delivered through fire

if necessary.

Good girl.

I knew you were more.

Fuck.

No mortal can cage me.

We just rehinged that door.

The affairs of man are no longer my concern.

I agree with you there. - You dare to defy me?

It's called love, woman!

That which is precious and personal.

You made two of those bracelets,

one for Wynonna and one for you.

The precious second.

I shall give my mistress what she demands.

Give me the vow. - The other vow.

Nicole, do it!

Oh.

Okay, you wanna try platitude? Try this.

No.

Live, laugh, and lie the fuck down!

Ah!

Oops! - Waverly! Wave!

Are you okay?

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Did I hurt your finger?

No.

I think Mina got what she came for.

Babe, who's Mina?

You.

Haven't aged a day, Mina.

Blood of a thousand virgins?

So sweet of you to remember me.

Twenty years in hell, people don't exactly

send Christmas cards.

You went to hell? How?

Another innocent victim of the Earp river of shit.

You stopped being innocent when you slaughtered my friend

and hobbled my Nedley. - Mmm, I didn't have your email.

What do you want? - To make you suffer.

Did you hurt my sister?

Oh! Um...

Not as much as her wife did.

And it is not fire and brimstone down there,

Wynonna.

It is cold and dark and mean!

Mean like the demons

that I gotta deal with to come and fuck with you.

You weren't even at the séance.

Ugh! - I was only 15.

Oh then, now, young, old,

this is what happens to everyone who cares about you, Wynonna.

You never cared about me.

They get torn to pieces.

And that is what the hounds of hell

are gonna do to the three people that you care about the most,

Waverly, and Nicole, and...

Your daughter is the heir apparent.

I'm barely her parent.

Keep this between you and me.

Kill me, please. - No.

I'm gonna torture you. Just like you tortured me

and all the other demons that you sent to their doom.

Please. - Yes!

Please realize that you are helpless

to save anyone who has ever believed in you!

When Alice is in the belly of my beasts...

Well, Doc's not even gonna be able to look at you.

And all you're gonna do...

is watch.

See you in hell, Wynonna!

Mina Starratt ran the Hanly Group Home for Girls.

She was an orphan. She was a resident there herself

until she aged out at 18.

Sounds like a real peach.

I thought she was my friend. My only friend there.

Now I wonder if she was just trying to keep me small.

Yeah, well good fuckin' luck.

But Mina was human. - Now she ain't.

She wasn't at the séance. She wasn't even the target.

Sometimes the devil claims its own.

Whatever Mina used to be,

she's the thing trying to hurt us now.

She said she was in literal hell.

And has the power to summon its hounds?

The Urcon, or bone gnawers.

Yeah, they're more than just a cute nickname.

How hard is it to murk the Urc?

According to French texts,

they're rabid, unstoppable beasts.

Only able to cross the veil to Earth one day a year.

February's hunger moon.

I do hate a dark hawk morning.

If given a piece of their target,

say a personal artefact like a ring

or a friendship bracelet or-- - A lock of a child's hair.

The Urcon will front a rabid attack.

An attack that won't stop until...

"They will never stop hunting."

"Never give up the scent."

"Until they feast on the flesh of their mark."

But you guys have fought things like this before.

No, not like this.

Okay, well this is a chance for our team

to impress the top brass.

I'm starting to wonder if you got more brass

up top than brains.

No, he's part right.

All we've gotta do is hold off the monster mutts

long enough for the Earp heir to take out their master.

I don't think Peacemaker's gonna work.

For the same reason that Mina

was able to cross the fence line.

Why not?

'Cause I made her.

Haven't had the chance to talk.

You know, really talk, since Tombstone.

All right, well what do you got?

Pep talk about your favorite madam's merkin?

Lesson about the time Wyatt took on 20 groundhogs at once?

I'll take it.

I cannot remember the last time I seen you

look so scared.

I've grown too straight and too wise for tall tales.

Mina's had 20 years to plan the perfect revenge.

I know firsthand...

what sittin' in the dark with nothin' but thoughts

of retribution can manifest.

What a ghastly fuel vengeance can be.

But it is nothing

compared to what love can do.

She's only five.

She never asked to be born an Earp.

Neither did you.

And you turned out all right.

Took a while to get there.

Listen, if I leave now, I can be in Montana by noon.

No.

We make our stand here at the source or not at all.

Besides, I've asked you to run long enough.

Alluring as you are,

I ain't never done a single thing that I did not wanna do.

I should have done what I wanted.

I wanted to bring Alice home.

Our real home.

Here, with... us.

There is a little spot

up on the ridge overlooking the barn.

When a Chinook blows in, so do the clouds,

right at your feet.

We can build a little house.

We could put up a swing set.

Would that be enough for Doc Holliday?

Doc Holliday died a long time ago.

But I think that Alice's father...

could not want for a thing more.

Pretty place to lay his head.

As long as his lady is by his side.

I have to make one more goodbye.

And I have to save who I can.

We ride at dawn. - I shall be there.

Well, dawn-ish.

At least you got a backup loom.

Dark possessed me through the backup loom,

through the backup kiln.

Oh yeah. Rage goo was squirtin' outta your eyeballs.

That's gotta sting. - Every time.

Any chance you can craft us a way outta this?

Gather up the Black Badge gak.

Maybe we can use it to battle Mina and the hell hounds.

Great band name, by the way.

The Cooper Pedy opal?

I think it's a fake. - Oh.

Oh, Elchur Minificial Box of Containment?

I'm not sure that it can

contain a rabid case of damned dalmatians,

but I'll throw it on the pile.

Oh, Waves...

Your custom crocheted cheerleading cosplay.

I'm sorry, baby. I know how hard you worked on this.

Don't be sorry.

I'd still be stomping through the Kootenay range black-eyed

and causing rockslides. You saved me.

I held you back.

Thank God for that. - No, I...

I've been holding you back.

Hey. I love our life.

Yeah, but you're still an Earp.

Earps need adventure.

Jeremy thinks Black Badge is compromised.

And he needs people he can trust.

He's currently stationed in Egypt.

Hey, we are golden.

We could marriage long distance for a little while.

Really?

Very little while? - Yeah.

I wish I could be the one to show you the world.

Tonight...

there's no place I'd rather be...

than at home...

With my wife.

♪ Something in our nature

♪ Is looking for a way to survive ♪

♪ Maybe it's a habit

♪ Maybe it's a good way to hide ♪

♪ I listen for a heartbeat

♪ I listen for a love line

♪ Can you hear my heart speak

♪ This is how we bring it back to life ♪

♪ I listen for a heartbeat

♪ I need to apologize

♪ Get so caught up in the concrete ♪

♪ I forgot to look you in the eyes ♪

Thanks again for your help.

That's what we do, we're Black Badge.

I'm more of a black hat.

And well, sometimes I do this.

Is this 'cause I beat you at shooting?

That was just a game, son.

So what, another test?

Hazing the new guy?

Chief Chetri sent me.

But Jeremy has not met you

or your ambition.

Oh, I seen what you crave, Agent Lafferty.

It is glory at any cost.

And that makes you hell-for-leather.

Don't do this, old man.

Goodbye, kid.

You're a hypocrite, Holliday.

Hey, Daddy.

Well, I...

should've been here more.

Here lie two other Earp heirs.

Two people I loved enormously.

I had to kill them myself.

My whole life has been a boatload of...

of mistakes and missteps.

And it sucks.

And I'm tired.

At least they get to rest.

Yeah, well, you've had more than your share.

Anyone else would've blown their brains out years ago.

Points for me, I guess.

Well, you've had to do whatever it takes

to live with it.

Except admit the truth.

Which is? - That you like it.

The huntin', the killin', the choosing.

After a lifetime of being powerless

and on the defensive, you love being special.

What gives you the right to judge me?

Oh, get real. These two sucked.

Your sister was a manipulative sociopath.

Your father was an abusive drunk.

Jesus, don't sugarcoat it.

Your father, my boss.

Best fisherman I ever met.

I guess that makes it okay.

Here's the thing your asshole father

taught me about winning.

History doesn't remember who played fair

or who, who cheated.

Or who had the right gear, or whether you sabotaged

your competitor's lines.

History only remembers who won.

You know, I, I don't know if I can win. She's a monster.

And you're not just an Earp heir,

you're your father's daughter,

and he was mean son of a bitch.

You know, sometimes

it's just about goin' where the fish are.

Hey, what's up? - Haught, get off my sister

and get on MapQuest.

You're designating the field of play.

We're going to them.

Cutting it awfully close.

He'll be here.

We good?

She's my sister and an Earp,

but for Mina to send the hounds after you...

Super flattering. I mean,

I knew you were obsessed with me, but come on.

I don't have a lot of people in my life willing to tell me

when I'm being a jackass.

Yeah well, they're called friends, jackass.

This town's lucky to have you.

And Waverly is lucky to have you.

And I...

I'm gonna get you your wedding ring back.

Yeah.

Hey, enough Hallmark moments.

You're messing with my blood lust.

Did I miss the hoedown?

Oh, that hoe's goin' down.

It's not a party 'til you get here.

Agent Lafferty?

Too personal.

Just felt like we should keep it all in the family.

You sure you wanna draw them to us here?

What's our strategic advantage?

Call it, Sheriff.

Isolated locale, no civilians.

Got multiple vantage points and the high ground.

Limited coverage for them means maximum visibility for us.

We'll see the hell hounds coming for miles.

And they will come. I want you two up top,

out of reach. You're what they're targeting.

We'll keep it kinetic.

Doc, you and I will work the bottom.

That's my specialty.

Way to keep it pervy 'til the end.

Do you feel that? (Wynonna): The hell hounds.

Oh, crap.

Thought you quit? - I'll quit tomorrow.

There's so many.

Oh, God. Things are ugly!

They won't stay dead.

They will when I get Mina.

Where is Mina? - Well, she's gotta be close by.

Well, let's throw her a bone.

Woo! What a view!

All this space.

Maybe we should blow the craft room out

into a super spa. - Ooh, hers and her sinks.

Maybe a sauna. - Clawfoot tub.

You know I love a soak!

These dogs need obedience school.

Yeah, where I should be the headmaster. Know why?

I have an inkling.

Hey!

Doc!

Fuck.

Doc! Doc.

Oh, I thought I'd lost you.

Not today.

I believe we are pooched.

Nedley.

Who takes the dogs out? Who, who, who, who!

Attaboy, Randy.

Doc, stay with him. I'm gonna end this.

Mina!

Get the fuck off me!

She's not coming here.

I need to go where the fish are.

Babe, you think you can hold them off long enough so

I can get to Wynonna? - What is she doing?

Something stupid.

It's about time.

Ah! You mongrel!

Yeehaw!

Hey, you know, you should know,

I just took out Satan's labradoodles

and didn't even flinch.

Just drive, you old pooch!

You're supposed to stay high.

Whatcha doin', Earp?

Last thing Mina told me was that she'd see me in hell,

so...

this is the part where you tell me I'm crazy.

We're desperate for crazy.

Maybe the craziest.

Fentanyl's most deadly when it's pure. On its own.

I hate this so bad.

It takes bad to end worse.

I don't want you to end. - You don't want us to lose.

I'm ready, Nicole. One last time.

Don't tell Waverly. She won't understand.

This is usually my favorite part.

The wet entry.

Ah!

I do reckon I know that gun.

Are you sure you're okay?

Nobody looking for an Earp will ever find her.

This is your home.

You're all under arrest for trespassing.

Look, they're claiming that this is your third strike.

They're taking you upstate to an adult correctional facility.

I'm sorry, kid. - It's not that. My bracelet.

Waverly's bracelet. It's the last piece of my family

that I have. It snapped off in the barn.

Well, you're not allowed to have

personal effects in jail, kid. Sorry.

It was you. You called the cops on me.

I had to. I had no choice. I mean, you were the one

that ran off. I was-- - You mean I'm the one

who escaped.

You don't wish I was less,

you just wish you were more.

(Nedley): Let's go.

Gotcha, Earp.

Hey, studio bitchywhore.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm doing hell. - Uh-huh.

I was a prisoner down here for 20 years.

I'm finally privy to the power you always craved.

Even if it is dark as, well... hell.

Fuck you. - That's your tell, Mina.

You got out.

You could've gone anywhere

but you skittered back into your prison willingly.

You absolute fucking gash.

You had me at hell-oh.

Ah!

You deserve to be down here, not me, you cunt.

Maybe. And no matter how long I sit here,

I'll never cut a deal with demons.

Ah!

Peacemaker won't stop me.

Will for a minute. Lot of minutes in eternity.

Ah!

You think your dogs won't stop coming?

I'll never stop coming.

Ah!

This is insane. You can't win!

No. But I can keep making you lose.

Ah!

All right. Enough.

I know curses, and now I'm yours.

Ah!

You came for my family,

now you will never make...

...your... peace!

I'm faster. I'm stronger.

I'm meaner.

Is that...

The Elkherd Magnifico Box of Containment.

Huh. You tricked me.

The best man I know taught me...

when you bluff,

you gotta go all in.

I'll trade you that jail cell

for the thing that makes you the heir.

The only thing that's ever made you anything.

That was before.

And then my people showed up.

Made me everything.

Well, sorry girl.

We had a time.

Hey, Mina, enjoy your crab bucket.

No!

Wynonna did it.

She got the big dog.

I'm gonna go doublecheck for strays.

Where is Wynonna?

I promised not to tell.

All the demons I've ever killed, coming for me.

Just have fun out there, Earp.

But Alice, she'll be okay. They'll be okay.

We know your thoughts.

Wynonna!

Wynonna!

Hey.

Waverly Earp.

And her narc.

What, like you got a monopoly on breaking the rules?

Thanks for going in my hole. - Anytime.

Not anytime, but...

Where's Peacemaker?

Where she can do the most good.

My angel.

Fucking Waverly's fine.

Well that sounds more than fine. It...

it sounds delightful.

This wasn't on the chore wheel.

Agent Lafferty?

When'd you get here?

Clearly just in time.

What the fuck, rookie blue?

Gimme the box. - Do not give it to him.

No shit.

All right.

Ah!

Nedley! - Son of a--

Next one's a little higher. - So, you're Black Badge

but you'd commit treason? Murder?

I'm never getting promoted at Black Badge.

I failed the psych evaluation... too many times.

I wonder why.

I got a better offer.

There's lots of, uh,

organizations that'll pay top dollar

for a genuine demon and the ultimate

demon killing gun.

Come on.

Lafferty, or whatever your real name is,

I'm begging you, please, listen to me.

You can't take this box out of the Ghost River Triangle.

Mina can never be let out of this thing.

My daughter's life depends on this.

Okay.

I've disabled your cars.

You can't follow me.

You can't stop me.

But I'm gonna let you live.

I'm hell-for-leather like that.

Somebody will stop this.

(Nicole): No!

Not you.

Thank God. A Sorrel.

No fucking way.

I admit, I forgot about you.

You're a terrible liar.

Had you fooled.

Not for a minute.

Go home, Holliday. To your woman.

Cannot and I will not let you leave with that box.

You're too old to stop me.

I'm too old not to.

Well, once upon a time,

you may have been the fastest gunslinger in the west,

but that was long ago with ancient pistols.

Okay.

You can't take us all out.

I know who I'm taking out first.

Remember, you wanted this.

Nobody wants this.

I should know.

I fought it for 172 years.

Come on.

It's Doc. - Go. Go. Help him.

Doc!

Doc!

Doc.

Did you get 'em all?

Please.

Do you know who I am?

You're my person.

Keep it.

There's no one on Earth who will do more

to keep it safe.

And our Alice.

You tell her...

all the good stuff. - Doc...

you're gonna be okay.

I have been.

Many times.

More than my share.

Doc, we can fix this.

You know, you really are awful at bluffing.

But you're pretty good at the rest of it.

All of it, really.

Please let me save you, Doc.

Oh, darling, you did.

Doc.

Wynonna Earp.

The box, Mina...

and Peacemaker.

It's down there, too.

I meant it when I said he'd protect it forever.

And I'm gonna stay and protect him.

Thanks again for flying in, Jeremy.

Are you kidding?

I would have come by canoe.

It was a damn good funeral for his, uh, second funeral.

You're welcome to stay in Purgatory

at the homestead as long as you like.

Thank you, but uh, I don't think my back

can take another night in the craft room.

And my liver definitely can't take more Earpin'.

I get it.

You've got some work to do.

Like finding a way to fix this.

Yeah. Yeah, Black Badge has a lot of unconventional

resources at our disposal.

I'll try, Wynonna. - You'll do better than that.

I promise.

It'll help that I hired the most ingenious

researcher I've ever met.

Do send photos of Abu Simbel.

Don't open any cursed tombs.

I'm not allowed to enjoy my weekends?

Oh, try the fatteh, but maybe not the street meat.

I'm still gonna be vegan in Egypt.

No pyramid schemes.

Very funny.

And so lovely.

I'm proud of you.

Whoa.

Jeremy says the agency is rife with corruption.

We need to find out who Lafferty was working for.

You will,

because you are...

Waverly goddamn head cheerleader,

tentacle resistant Earp.

Don't forget Nicole Haught's wife.

Hmm.

Okay, my turn.

Don't be too hard on her, but don't be too soft.

I'm gonna whip her into shape.

I'll be home for Easter.

I know.

♪ I'm ready now

♪ Stand my ground

♪ There's a fighter coming out

♪ And I won't back down

Hey, let me help you.

Whoa, geez, Waves,

how many bras did you pack?

Hey, that's sexist!

... Over 20.

Finally learning from my mistakes.

Bye.

Actually feels like I'm finally embracing

my inner Wynonna.

Here's to the adventure. You've earned it.

Well, as long as you've got your passport, Agent Earp.

I have a passport.

Amazing.

Thanks for staying.

Yeah, I want to.

♪ I'm ready now

♪ To stand my ground

♪ No more hiding who I am

♪ I'm not running again

♪ I won't back down

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Does anybody have a rake or something?

I've got one hell of an itch.

Oh, boo-hoo, we get it. You love casts.

You gonna let her talk to me like that?

Okay, we're gonna get her trained in citizen relations.

Good luck. - After we deputize her.

I can't believe I'm a cop. Are we sure I left hell?

It gets worse. I hear your boss is a real hard-ass.

Hey. Don't make me tear down that fishing hut.

Fishing's over for the year.

But huntin' season's about to begin.

You guys still haven't found that sexy werewolf, huh?

Well, we didn't know how sexy it is.

Nicole, come on.

And it's Sheriff Haught.

Okay...

I'm Deputy Earp reporting for duty.

You said duty.

Keep it professional, Sheriff. We're on the clock.

This a war on top buttons?

Let's get to work.

difuze