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1
00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:04,305
So, what do you think?
2
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,374
Wow.
3
00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:09,177
It's for you, right?
4
00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,112
It's for both of us.
5
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:12,179
Don't go away.
6
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,681
Don't worry.
7
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:16,750
There's no enough blood
left in my legs to go anywhere.
8
00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:19,053
[PHONE RINGING]
9
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,299
CHARLIE [ON MACHINE]:
Hey, it's Charlie.
10
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:23,924
Do your thing
when you hear the beep.
11
00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,059
[BEEPS]
12
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,894
WOMAN:
Listen, you lousy SOB.
13
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,596
I will not be treated like this.
14
00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:32,133
Either you call me or you are
going to be very, very sorry.
15
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,435
I love you, Monkey Man.
16
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:35,502
Charlie?
17
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:38,806
Who is that?
18
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,242
Damn telemarketers.
19
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:44,112
A telemarketer
who calls you "Monkey Man."
20
00:00:44,178 --> 00:00:47,115
I'm on some weird list.
21
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,219
Okay, it's a woman
I went out with once,
22
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:53,321
and she got a little clingy.
23
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,357
You are a bad, bad boy.
24
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:59,560
And yet, you're always
the one getting spanked.
25
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,430
[PHONE RINGS]
26
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:03,731
Geez.
27
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:05,566
CHARLIE [ON MACHINE]:
Hey, it's Charlie.
28
00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:07,168
Do your thing
when you hear the beep.
29
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:08,469
[BEEPS]
30
00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:10,638
MAN:
Uh, Charlie, it-it's Alan,
31
00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:11,805
uh, your brother.
32
00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:13,006
No big deal.
33
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,042
Uh, just wanted to touch base.
34
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,477
My-my wife threw me out
35
00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:18,412
and I'm kind of losing
the will to live.
36
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:20,080
So, when you get a chance,
37
00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:21,782
I'd really love to,
oh, I don't know...
38
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:24,352
Hey, Alan,
I'm sorry to hear about that.
39
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,420
Uh, so, where are you
going to go, to a hotel?
40
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,021
Wow.
41
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,358
Huh?
42
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,927
Well, yeah, I-I guess
you could... stay here.
43
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:36,063
Okay.
44
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,698
I'll see you when you get here.
45
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:39,400
We better hurry.
46
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:49,943
Oh, is she staying over?
47
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:52,346
'Cause I may have parked
behind her.
48
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:56,284
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men ♪
49
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,173
Twelve years
and-and she just throws me out.
50
00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,124
I mean, what was the
point of our wedding vows?
51
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,512
You know,
"Till death do us part."
52
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:06,760
Who died? Not me, not her.
53
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:11,365
How did you get in my house?
54
00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:15,068
Okay, Charlie, the key
in the fake rock only works
55
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,904
if it's among other rocks.
56
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,574
Not-not sitting on
your welcome mat.
57
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,009
Excuse me,
58
00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:25,112
but if you put the fake rock
in with a bunch of other rocks,
59
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:28,148
it's impossible to find
when you're drunk.
60
00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,293
You know, I'm a good husband.
61
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,618
I-I'm faithful.
62
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:31,785
Is she?
63
00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:32,886
Is she what?
64
00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:34,021
Faithful.
65
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,923
[SCOFFING]
66
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,225
Don't be ridiculous.
67
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:38,926
I mean,
Judith doesn't even like sex.
68
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,194
I mean, all she kept saying
69
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:41,895
was she feels suffocated,
you know.
70
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:43,297
She kept going on and on,
71
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:45,098
"I'm suffocating.
I'm suffocating."
72
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,300
What does that mean?
73
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,068
Has a women ever said that
to you?
74
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:51,171
Well, yeah...
75
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:55,409
but not a woman who
doesn't like sex.
76
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:59,547
And-And Jake.
77
00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:00,548
Jake?
78
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,450
My son.
79
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:06,320
Oh, yeah, teenagers are pretty
sophisticated these days.
80
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:08,389
He's ten.
81
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:09,790
WOMAN: Charlie, I'm going to go.
82
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,259
CHARLIE:
Oh, no.
83
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,969
You two need to talk.
I'll call you tomorrow.
84
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,338
I'm sorry to hear
about you and your wife.
85
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:15,763
Oh, come on, you leaving
86
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:18,198
isn't going to bring them
back together again.
87
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:23,871
Look, okay, this is just
until things settle out.
88
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,072
A couple of days max.
89
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:26,574
She will come to her senses.
90
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:30,244
Yeah, that's what women do.
91
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,447
Look,
you can have the guest room.
92
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:34,615
I'll grab some sheets.
93
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:35,816
That's okay.
94
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,385
I brought my own.
95
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,753
Brought your own sheets?
96
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,256
I like my sheets.
97
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:45,192
Okay, then, good night.
98
00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:46,294
No, no, wait, wait.
99
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,528
Charlie, I mean,
100
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,430
we hardly ever
talk to each other.
101
00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:52,300
[SIGHS]: What do you
want to talk about, Alan?
102
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,868
I don't know. Uh...
103
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,937
I was named
Chiropractor of the Year
104
00:03:57,004 --> 00:04:00,240
by the San Fernando Valley
Chiropractic Association.
105
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:01,141
Okay, then, good night.
106
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,510
No...
107
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,212
No, Charlie, Charlie,
what about you?
108
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,648
What's, uh, what's
going on with you?
109
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,683
Well, Alan,
there's not much to say.
110
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,686
I make a lot of money
for doing very little work.
111
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:16,524
I sleep with beautiful women
who don't ask about my feelings.
112
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,659
I drive a Jag,
I live at the beach,
113
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,294
and sometimes,
in the middle of the day,
114
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,795
for no reason at all,
115
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:25,198
I like to make myself
a big pitcher of margaritas,
116
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,368
take a nap out on the sundeck.
117
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,638
Huh.
118
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,274
Okay, then, good night,
Charlie. Good night.
119
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,948
Good night, Monkey Man.
120
00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:54,862
Boy, is your eye red.
121
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,966
You should see it from in here.
122
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,369
What are you doing here, Jake?
123
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:02,836
My mom brought me.
124
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:05,406
Will you take me
swimming in the ocean?
125
00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:11,645
[SIGHS]: Can we talk about it
after my head stops exploding?
126
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,781
Why is your head exploding?
127
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:17,585
Well, I drank a little
too much wine last night.
128
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,854
If it makes you feel bad,
why do you drink it?
129
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:24,792
Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
130
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,095
You have to put a dollar
in the swear jar.
131
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,963
You said "ass."
132
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,866
Tell you what...
here's 20.
133
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:35,536
That should cover me till lunch.
134
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,205
Now, what I think you need to do
135
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,007
is to make a list.
136
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,810
On one side, put what you
don't like about our marriage,
137
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,678
and on the other
side, what you do.
138
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,381
Alan, sometimes when I think
about coming home to you,
139
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:50,451
I start crying in my car.
140
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:55,856
Okay, that would probably
go on the "don't" side.
141
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,124
Why would I lie?
142
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,560
The ocean is closed today.
143
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:00,694
For God's sake, Charlie,
144
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,563
do you think you could put
some pants on?
145
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:03,864
Look at me, Judy.
146
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:05,451
I could barely make it
down the stairs.
147
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:09,002
Uh, Charlie, could
you and Jake, uh...
148
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,337
Yeah. Come on, kid.
149
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,205
We'll have breakfast
out on the deck.
150
00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:13,507
I already had breakfast.
151
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,042
Okay, we'll have lunch.
152
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:16,209
Not lunchtime.
153
00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:18,546
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
154
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:21,549
That's his head exploding.
155
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:25,185
Judith, I-I can change.
156
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,987
Oh, please, Alan.
157
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,857
You are the most rigid,
inflexible, obsessive,
158
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:32,125
anal-retentive man
I've ever met.
159
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:34,728
Rigid and inflexible?
160
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:39,567
Don't you think that's
a little... redundant?
161
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:54,414
My mom and dad are splitting up.
162
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,816
Yeah, looks that way.
163
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,985
You're lucky.
164
00:06:58,051 --> 00:07:02,523
When I was your age,
165
00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,892
Your mom is my grandma.
166
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,093
Yup.
167
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:09,763
Grandma says
you're a bitter disappointment.
168
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,065
Hey, sport.
169
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,902
Uh, your mom wants
to say good-bye.
170
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,607
Uh, listen,
171
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,075
he doesn't know anything
about what's going on
172
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,244
so let's just keep this
to ourselves.
173
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:25,445
Our little secret.
174
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:28,115
Wh-Why is she saying
good-bye to him?
175
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,450
Oh, well, she's going
to be spending the weekend
176
00:07:30,518 --> 00:07:33,020
with her sister... in Vegas.
177
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:35,556
Uh, so, we decided
that Jake would stay with me.
178
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:37,891
With you?
179
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,893
Well, with us.
180
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,695
I'm hungry.
181
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,731
Is this going to be a problem?
182
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,673
I guess not.
183
00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:54,174
Thanks.
Oh, uh, hey, listen.
184
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,643
I've got to call my office.
185
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,645
Would you mind making him lunch?
186
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:01,982
Sure.
187
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:03,049
Thanks.
188
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:07,521
What are you smiling about?
189
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:08,756
You don't have any food.
190
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,660
Yeah, but I'm not the one
who's hungry.
191
00:08:13,761 --> 00:08:16,163
Who's smiling now, shorty?
192
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:19,499
CHARLIE:
You drink milk?
193
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:22,202
Just with cereal.
194
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:24,004
Okay.
195
00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:25,205
Not that milk.
196
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,340
That milk.
197
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:29,509
What's the difference?
198
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:31,344
That's DairyFarm.
199
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,647
We drink DairyBarn.
200
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,117
Fine.
201
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,185
Happy?
202
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,554
Why would I be happy?
203
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,255
It's just milk.
204
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,024
Cute.
205
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:47,127
Keep it up,
you'll be on one of the cartons.
206
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,667
Okay, cereal.
207
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,703
We got Lucky Charms,
Cocoa Puffs,
208
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,337
Frosted Flakes, Maple Loops...
209
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,772
I want Maple Loops.
210
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,808
♪ It's got oats and corns
and wheat ♪
211
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,010
♪ It's the sweetest
breakfast treat ♪
212
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:07,147
BOTH: ♪ It's maple,
maple, ma... ple-icious! ♪
213
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,983
You know who wrote that song?
214
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,060
Your Uncle Charlie wrote that.
215
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:11,819
No lie?
216
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,086
Kid, if I was going to lie,
217
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:14,722
I'd say I wrote
"Stairway to Heaven"
218
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,023
not "The Maple Loop Song."
219
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:20,160
You two
are really good together.
220
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,294
Thank you.
221
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,296
So, does your wife sing, too?
222
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:24,297
Oh, uh, no.
223
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,165
I'm not married.
224
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,234
Oh. What a shame.
225
00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:32,472
Wow...
226
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:35,876
you're even better than a dog.
227
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,313
Dr. Bloom. Yes, yes.
228
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:41,682
This is, uh, Alan Harper.
229
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,150
Yes. My wife and I need
230
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:45,886
to cancel our marriage
counseling appointment
231
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,120
for this afternoon.
232
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:50,457
Yes, well, well,
something came up.
233
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:51,601
Well, it's-it's-it's
kind of personal.
234
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,060
I mean, I-I-I...
235
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:56,764
Well, yeah, I know the
point of these things is...
236
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,068
I've got to go.
237
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,369
Um, hello?
238
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,937
Is Charlie home?
239
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,706
Uh, uh, no. I'm, uh,
I'm Charlie's brother.
240
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:07,941
Can I, uh, can I help you?
241
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,543
Oh, hi, Charlie's brother.
242
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:11,610
I'm Rose.
243
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:14,915
I'm Charlie's housekeeper.
244
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,349
So you're-you're a housekeeper?
245
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:18,618
Well, housekeeper, slash,
actress, slash, hand model.
246
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:19,920
[LAUGHS]
247
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,455
I just do this
to keep the wolf from the door.
248
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,524
[ROARS]
249
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,126
[LAUGHS]
250
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:27,494
You know what I mean?
251
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,797
Sure. Sure, come on in. Uh...
252
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,501
Oh.
253
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:36,804
Yeah, I can smell him.
254
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:40,373
Smell who?
255
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,441
Your brother.
256
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,877
He has a very musky scent.
257
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,915
Uh-huh.
258
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:52,619
Well, I'll just, uh...
let you get to work.
259
00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:54,822
Oh, wait.
260
00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:00,060
Oh, no. It's okay.
261
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,798
♪ It's got oats
and corns and wheat ♪
262
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,209
♪ It's the sweetest
breakfast treat ♪
263
00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,768
♪ It's maple, maple, maa...
264
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:10,237
Jake, buddy, take a break.
265
00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:11,504
ALAN:
What, uh...
266
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,106
What took you so long?
267
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,409
We stopped for ice cream
'cause I'm a babe magnet.
268
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:21,248
I got to take a squirt.
269
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,653
Why do you assume
he learned that from me?
270
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,722
Because I learned it from you.
271
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,359
Hey, thanks for cleaning up.
272
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,526
Oh, it wasn't me.
273
00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:34,694
Rose was here.
274
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:35,963
Rose?
275
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,430
You let Rose into my house?
276
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,266
She said she was your maid.
277
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,500
What the hell.
278
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,803
She glued the damned cabinets
shut again.
279
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,105
Again? You've got somebody
280
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:47,607
who comes in regularly
to glue your cabinets?
281
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:49,609
Oh, you've met some
of the whack jobs
282
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:50,677
I've gone out with.
283
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,045
It's not that big a stretch.
284
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,114
Oh, oh. So this is my fault.
285
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:55,048
Who let her in?
286
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:58,051
Oh, you are a deeply
disturbed man.
287
00:11:58,118 --> 00:11:59,486
Oh, I'm deeply disturbed?
288
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,354
Who showed up here in
the middle of the night
289
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:02,522
with his own sheets?
290
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,057
Hey, at least I care
what I sleep on,
291
00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:05,492
or should I say, who I sleep on.
292
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:08,328
Hey, pal, of the two of us,
293
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,496
I'll bet I'm the only one
294
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,832
who slept with a
married woman recently.
295
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,533
EVELYN:
And isn't that something
296
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,168
to brag about?
297
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:17,404
[THUDDING]
298
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,941
Hi, Mom.
299
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,544
EVELYN: Do you have
any idea how hurtful it is
300
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,379
to hear about
your own son's divorce
301
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:28,448
on the street?
302
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:29,416
What divorce?
303
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:30,818
Wh-what street?
304
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,353
How did you get in my house?
305
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,122
You stay out of this.
306
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:38,658
I'm here to help your brother
through a very difficult time.
307
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:42,029
How could you do this to me?
308
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,230
Do what?
309
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,998
Now when I want
to see my grandson,
310
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:46,733
I am going to have
to make an appointment
311
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,268
with Judith,
312
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:51,271
who... let's face it...
Was never very warm to me.
313
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:53,573
And what if
there's another man there,
314
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:54,908
shacking up with her?
315
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,077
Have you even stopped
to consider that?
316
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:04,351
I think he's considering it
now, Mom.
317
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,219
Here's your iced tea, Grandma.
318
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,988
Oh, thank you, my little angel.
319
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,990
Oh, darling, I asked
for a lemon wedge.
320
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,863
All right, here's what
you're going to do.
321
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,065
You and Jake will come live
with me.
322
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,399
After all, I'm just
323
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,969
rattling around
in that big house all by myself.
324
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,336
Mom, that's very considerate,
325
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:25,705
but as soon
as Judith and I work things out,
326
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,540
I'm going to be back
at my own house.
327
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:30,810
Oh, sweetheart, grow up.
328
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,413
Think about what I said.
329
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,717
You're my son, and I'll always
have room for you in my house
330
00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:39,752
and in my heart.
331
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,522
I-I love you, too, Mom.
332
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,001
I love you, too, Mom.
333
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:57,004
Too little. Too late.
334
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:00,840
So, Vegas was good?
335
00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:02,442
It was fine.
336
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,277
Alan, I really want to apologize
337
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,913
for putting you through this.
338
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,747
I was wrong to blame you
for my unhappiness.
339
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:09,082
No. No need
to apologize.
340
00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:11,018
What's important is
that we're here,
341
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:12,886
and we're working
on our marriage.
342
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:13,686
You look great, by the way.
343
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,022
Must be all the
344
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,190
extra oxygen they pump
into the casinos.
345
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:18,777
Alan... And-and-and-and
you were right.
346
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,861
I-I see now that the time apart
did us both a lot of good.
347
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:22,829
I know I've grown.
348
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,197
I am not that suffocating guy
349
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:26,599
you threw out of the house
four and half days ago.
350
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:27,935
Let me tell you that.
351
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:29,169
Alan...
And Jake's doing fine.
352
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,337
I know you were concerned
353
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:31,905
about him
being around my brother,
354
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:33,482
but it turns out
Charlie's great with kids.
355
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:36,609
All right, last card,
down and dirty.
356
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,479
Kings bet.
357
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,181
Dollar.
358
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:41,781
I'm in.
359
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:42,715
In.
360
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,552
I'll see the dollar
361
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:47,620
and raise it five.
362
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:50,857
You raised $5 on that?
363
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,025
I call.
364
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,260
Call.
Call.
365
00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:54,326
Call.
366
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:56,930
Queens full of nines.
367
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,365
[GROANS]
368
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,867
Hey, kid, don't you know
what a full house is?
369
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,170
Yeah, and I also know
what a psych-out is.
370
00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:06,039
CHARLIE:
I love this boy.
371
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:08,976
And-and-and I think
372
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,710
that we're going
to look back on this
373
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:11,544
as-as a new beginning
374
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:12,645
for our marriage,
375
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:14,190
a rebirth, a Renaissance,
if you will.
376
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,549
Alan, I think I'm gay.
377
00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,621
All right.
378
00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,691
We'll make a list.
379
00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:29,696
On one side,
we'll put gay stuff...
380
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,199
I'll see you...
381
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,467
and raise you 20.
382
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,606
I think he's got you, pal.
383
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,141
He's bluffing.
384
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:45,045
He always pulls his ear
when he bluffs.
385
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:47,247
How about it, Mighty Mouse?
386
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:49,349
You in?
387
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,352
Take him down.
388
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,957
Call you.
389
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,427
I hate this kid.
390
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:04,731
What the hell is going on here?
391
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,133
You said "hell."
392
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:09,469
Throw a dollar in the pot.
393
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:10,903
What?
394
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,972
Hey, we all had to.
395
00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:16,676
Charlie, may I speak with you
privately, please?
396
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:18,945
Whose deal is it?
397
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:20,012
ALAN:
Jake, go to bed!
398
00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:21,614
I'm out.
399
00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:22,382
What is wrong with you?
400
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:23,550
Are you insane?
401
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,352
Do you have any sense
of right and wrong?
402
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,487
Probably not. How was dinner?
403
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:30,190
How could you put Jake in a
poker game with grown men?
404
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:33,693
I obviously can't be trusted.
405
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,262
So, how was dinner?
406
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:36,729
I leave you alone with him
407
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,476
for a couple of hours.
I mean, it's just...
408
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:39,842
I'm just going
to keep asking, Alan.
409
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,268
Dinner was swell.
410
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:44,237
We both had the veal piccata,
and she's gay.
411
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,607
Wow.
412
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:51,478
Most chicks won't eat veal.
413
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,514
Why do I even try
talking to you?
414
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:55,848
Oh, come on.
415
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,218
I'm just trying to get you
to lighten up a little.
416
00:16:58,285 --> 00:16:59,452
I don't need to lighten up.
417
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,687
The world I live in is dark.
418
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:01,854
Dark and rainy.
419
00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:03,022
And you're useless in it.
420
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:04,457
Oh, really?
421
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,993
I wasn't useless
when you needed a place to stay.
422
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,829
Well, obviously,
that was a mistake.
423
00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:12,365
Are you sure?
424
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,501
Maybe we should make a list.
425
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,505
[PLAYING SOFT BLUES ON PIANO]
426
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:30,650
Uncle Charlie?
427
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:32,819
What's going on?
428
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:33,353
Can't sleep?
429
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,721
No.
430
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:38,891
My dad says we're moving
to Grandma's tomorrow.
431
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:42,095
Yeah. That'd keep me up.
432
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,733
You know, if it makes
you feel any better,
433
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,401
you won 80 bucks
in that last hand.
434
00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:49,369
85.
435
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:52,339
80. House gets a cut.
436
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:55,308
I wish my dad was as cool
as you.
437
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:56,809
Hey, don't sell your dad short.
438
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:59,479
He loves you more than
anything in the world.
439
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,581
You know that, don't you?
440
00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:03,350
I guess.
441
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:10,223
How come
you don't have any kids?
442
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:12,459
I don't know.
443
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:16,663
Maybe because I love me
more than anything in the world.
444
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,399
Uncle Charlie?
445
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:20,933
Yeah?
446
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,702
I don't want to go to Grandma's.
447
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:23,769
I'd rather stay here.
448
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:29,108
Yeah, well, your dad knows
what's best for you.
449
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:30,977
Okay.
450
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,613
Good night, Uncle Charlie.
451
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,348
I love you.
452
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,118
Yeah.
453
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:41,354
Okay.
454
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:50,363
[KISSING]
455
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,599
You got to love a kid like that.
456
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,267
I even played him
"Stairway to Heaven,"
457
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,536
and he still liked the
Maple Loops song better.
458
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:57,870
Oh. Charlie,
459
00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:01,208
I haven't seen you in two weeks.
460
00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:03,176
Now, do you want to talk
about your nephew,
461
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,444
or do you want to have sex?
462
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:05,745
Oh, sex.
463
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,780
Definitely sex.
464
00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:14,921
Let me ask you something.
465
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,323
Yeah?
466
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,157
Do you ever think
about having kids?
467
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,260
Whoa, Charlie,
we got a good thing going.
468
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:21,928
Can't we just leave it at that?
469
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,263
What are you doing?
470
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,864
I thought we were going
to have sex.
471
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,233
How am I supposed to have sex
472
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,100
while your biological clock
is going off?
473
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:32,004
[PHONE RINGS]
474
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:33,273
Hey, it's Charlie.
475
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,542
Do your thing
when you hear the beep.
476
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,109
[BEEP]
477
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:40,012
ROSE:
Hi, Monkey Man.
478
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:41,614
I was just thinking about you
479
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,317
and wondering
why we hurt each other so much.
480
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,986
Rose, it's me,
481
00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,888
Monkey Man.
482
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:50,290
Charlie?
483
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,425
Yeah. Hey, listen,
let me ask you a question.
484
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:53,893
Is there something
inherently wrong
485
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,062
with asking a woman
you're involved with
486
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,230
if she wants kids?
487
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:58,598
Oh, Charlie.
488
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:00,032
We got a good thing going.
489
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:01,301
Why do you want to mess it up?
490
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,536
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
491
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:06,606
Look at you.
492
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:07,574
All grown up
493
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,342
and back living with Mom.
494
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,345
How good do you feel
about yourself right now?
495
00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:16,416
On a scale of one to two.
496
00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:17,950
I'm not back living with Mom.
497
00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:19,218
I'm simply staying here
498
00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:21,020
till Judith and I
work things out.
499
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:24,223
So... one?
500
00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:25,692
What do you want, Charlie?
501
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,295
Well, I figured you been
here a couple of weeks.
502
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:30,663
You got to have blood
in your stool by now.
503
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:39,739
So I thought if you and
Jake wanted to come back
504
00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:42,409
to my place for a while,
that that'd be okay.
505
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,743
Wait a minute. Are you saying
506
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,878
you want me to come back
and live with you?
507
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:48,381
Well, truthfully, no.
508
00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,217
I want Jake to come back
and live with me,
509
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:52,684
but I figure,
you're a package deal.
510
00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:55,187
Thanks, but we're doing
just fine here with Mom.
511
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,523
Oh, come on, Alan.
512
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,825
We can't let Jake
be exposed to her
513
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:00,927
on any kind of ongoing basis.
514
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,028
There's no ongoing basis.
515
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,262
He's only here on weekends.
516
00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:05,432
That's too much.
517
00:21:05,498 --> 00:21:08,568
Piranhas can strip
an entire cow in an hour.
518
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:11,838
Alan, we've got to get him
away from her.
519
00:21:11,904 --> 00:21:13,906
I mean, look what happened
to us.
520
00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,875
And what happened to you?
521
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:19,045
Hi, Mom.
522
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,547
Charlie, you're a grown man.
523
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,915
Perhaps it's time
to stop blaming your mother
524
00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:24,384
for your own shortcomings.
525
00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:25,985
Alan, the divan
is not for sitting.
526
00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:27,286
Charlie,
527
00:21:27,354 --> 00:21:28,588
get off the couch.
528
00:21:29,489 --> 00:21:31,290
Uncle Charlie!
529
00:21:31,358 --> 00:21:32,625
Oh, there's my
530
00:21:32,692 --> 00:21:34,026
good boy.
531
00:21:34,093 --> 00:21:35,161
And what did I tell you
532
00:21:35,227 --> 00:21:36,463
about yelling in the house?
533
00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:38,230
Grandma, I'm suffocating.
534
00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:39,432
[LAUGHS]
535
00:21:39,499 --> 00:21:41,401
Sound familiar?
536
00:21:41,468 --> 00:21:43,002
You're right.
537
00:21:43,069 --> 00:21:44,904
This madness must end.
538
00:21:45,938 --> 00:21:48,975
Here, I got you your own key.
539
00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:53,746
♪ Men.
540
00:21:55,448 --> 00:21:56,816
I am not comfortable with this.
541
00:21:56,883 --> 00:21:58,585
I mean, maybe I should go
wait in the car.
542
00:21:58,651 --> 00:21:59,852
You're not waiting in the car.
543
00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:01,530
Trust me. This is a
great way to meet women.
544
00:22:01,554 --> 00:22:02,655
I don't want to meet women.
545
00:22:02,722 --> 00:22:04,223
I'm still married.
Oh, come on.
546
00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:05,825
You're wife's out
meeting chicks.
547
00:22:05,892 --> 00:22:06,892
Why shouldn't you?
548
00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:09,462
♪ It's got oats
and corn and wheat ♪
549
00:22:09,529 --> 00:22:11,798
♪ It's the sweetest
breakfast treat ♪
550
00:22:11,864 --> 00:22:14,200
♪ It's maple, maple,
ma... ple-icious! ♪
551
00:22:14,266 --> 00:22:16,235
Your son is just adorable.
552
00:22:16,302 --> 00:22:18,270
Oh, thank you.
553
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:19,337
You and your...
554
00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:21,574
life partner must be so proud.
555
00:22:26,379 --> 00:22:27,947
You're right.
556
00:22:28,014 --> 00:22:29,549
Go wait in the car.
37053
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