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(JAZZY DRUM AND CYMBAL MUSIC)

(RAPID MECHANICAL CLICKING)

(THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY SING) # Bah bah-bah bah

# Bah-bah bah-bah-bah

# Bah bah-bah bah-bah

(DAVID CASSIDY SINGS) # I was sleeping

# And right in the middle of a good dream

# Like all at once I wake up

# From something that keeps knocking at my brain

# Before I go insane I hold my pillow to my head

# And spring up in my bed screaming out the words I dread

(ALL SING) # I think I love you

BACKUP: # I think I love you

DAVID: # I think I love you

# So what am I so afraid of

# I'm afraid that I'm not sure of

# A love there is no cure for

# I think I love you

# Isn't that what life is made of?

# Though it worries me to say

# That I've never felt this way... #

(PHONE CHIRPS)

(GROANS)

(SLEEPILY) Mm-hm.

# I think I love you... #

(SIGHS)

(BLOWS)

Oh!

Ugh, I hate you.

-No, you don't, Grizz. -(SIGHS) You're right.

I love you, boo bear. Now fuck off.

(LAUGHS) I will.

-(KISSES) Love you. -Love you.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Oh, no, no, no, Mrs Chen! Your hip.

Here, I'll get that for you.

Now, about this wedding registry.

Oh, honestly, you don't have to get us anything, please.

I am buying you a gift.

Everything on your list

is a little pricey, I'm embarrassed to say.

OK, thanks for the feedback.

But then I listen to you two having sex,

so why should I be embarrassed?

You listen to us having sex?

What do you do, do you put a glass to the floor?

(CHUCKLES) A patient man, Nathan.

Whoa! OK!

Well, maybe next time you can come over

and it could be an immersive experience.

Oh, my God. What have you got in here? (GRUNTS)

('JUNGLE DRUM' BY EMILIANA TORRINI)

# Hey, I'm in love

# My fingers keep on clicking to the beating of my heart

# Hey, I can't stop my feet

# Ebony and ivory and dancing in the street

# My heart is beating like a jungle drum

# With a digga boom-boom Digga-digga-boom-boom

# My heart is beating like a jungle drum... #

Come on, girl.

Oh, to be fair, I did want to do a bottomless brunch.

-Four. -Ugh.

Five.

I think I'm about to give birth.

(LAUGHS) Six. Seven.

-Ugh. -One. Two.

"Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

"I've forgotten my top and now all you can see

"are my perfectly defined abs."

"Excuse me. This is for your benefit."

I'm sorry, I didn't know you could hear us.

-Guys! -I am so sorry!

I deserved that, to be fair.

Oh, my God, I hate myself!

Well, you should, catty bitch.

-Oh! -(LAUGHS)

Can we crack on, please?

-What number are we going from? -Um, four.

No, we've already done four!

Well, tough titties. Let's go.

-Five, four. -(GRUMBLES)

Do you know, but, I'm done with love.

It's time-consuming, self-delusional.

-It's pathetic. It's... -Mm. No.

-It's just a charade. -No, no, no.

It can be wonderful, life-affirming...

Yeah, but you've got Frank.

-Ohh... -Yeah, well, yeah.

I hate that this arsehole knob-head has done this to you.

Look, I just need some no-strings-attached sex.

I think maybe I just need to become an Instagram fuck.

No, you're like Pinocchio,

you've got so many string attached to you.

-No, I'm a real boy! -(LAUGHS)

Look, I found Nathan, and he is amazing,

but relationships are hard.

It's mostly the bit of odd sex

sandwiched in between, "What's the television password?"

and "Here are some clever storage solutions,

"don't you think, honey?"

Honestly, the highlight of my mam and dad's marriage

is my mother picking my dad's blackheads.

Eugh.

Please do not write your own vows.

Oh! I have to go write my own vows.

Goodbye.

-(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) -Oh!

(BOTTLES CLINK)

Ah!

(GROANS)

Oh!

(SINGS) # Mild exercise done

# I am nailing my life. #

(SASSY JAZZ MUSIC)

Nathan!

Oh, it's such a pity that you're sleeping,

because I'm wearing nothing but nipple tassels

and a willingness to please.

(LAUGHS)

Grizz.

(SINGSONGS) Nathan.

(JAZZ MUSIC FADES)

(TROUBLING MUSIC)

Nathan.

(TROLLEY WHEELS ROLL)

-(CLATTER) -(FAINT TWO-WAY CHATTER)

MAN: Yes, through this way, Walter.

OK, just be careful.

Is he gonna be OK?

WALTER: Going down.

Yeah.

-Take it slow. -Yeah.

-You're doing really well. -Thank you, David.

-OK. -Tricky.

-You just need to tilt it. -Tilt it how?

-Where am I gonna tilt it? -Just tilt it left.

-Let me come down to... -Um, so...

-Sorry. -Let me...

If you're tilting left... I'm sorry.

You tilt it right.

-Uh, left... -Dropping, dropping, dropping!

Hold it!

Fucking hell. Are you alright?

(DOOR SLAMS)

I'm so sorry.

Is this your bike?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, oh! What...

Oh.

If you'd like to come through.

GEMMA: Um, I tried to, you know,

uh, resuscitate him.

Did I... Did I mess it up?

DOCTOR: No, no, no, no.

His pupils were fixed.

Wide black dilation.

He was dead.

The most likely cause would have been a paradoxical embolism.

That's when a blood clot travels from the vein

through to an artery.

It's not always fatal,

but is in this case.

I think the force of putting on the sock

sent the clot from an artery...

Well, this is embarrassing.

Couldn't I have died getting mauled by a bear

or fighting in a war that I didn't believe in?

No, death by sock.

DOCTOR: Massive sudden stroke.

(GEMMA CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)

DOCTOR: I...I don't think he would have felt any pain.

(DOOR SQUEAKS AND CLOSES)

Gemma, love...

-DAD: Just needs some space. -MUM: Of course.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(GENTLE, QUIRKY MUSIC)

NATHAN: Please, please, can we get a dog?

GEMMA: Not putting myself through it.

Though I'm not actually joking,

I still probably want to have a ginger ninja.

Wha...

So because 30 years ago your cat died,

you're just done with all attachments?

Oh, yes!

I mean, I still just regard you as an acquaintance.

(HORN BLARES)

You're a fucking toilet brush, mate!

Thank you.

Yeah, well, he's my fucking toilet brush!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

-(RINGING CONTINUES) -MUM: I'll get it.

(DOOR RELEASE BUZZER SOUNDS)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, Ruth, love!

Ohhh!

Derek, Derek, it's Ruth.

I can see that, Lorraine.

-Hello. -Hello, my love.

LORRAINE: She didn't go to Johannesburg.

Come here.

Here, look at me.

Survival kit.

(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC)

# Hear me

# You're living in vertigo

# Headache

# Don't say that I told you so

# Breathe in

# I need it like oxygen

# Breathing you in

# Heatwave

# But there's snow on your shoes

# Breaking

# Like nobody asked you to

# Breathing

# I need it like oxygen

# Breathing you in. #

NATHAN: Hey.

I love you.

I mean, look, I know that we're in this really old cemetery...

GEMMA: It's historical.

And that it's very early in our relationship,

but...but I do not care, because I love you.

-(MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE) -# Bah bah-bah-bah

# Bah-bah bah-bah-bah... #

-What... -Oh, Jesus.

-What the bejesus is this? -Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

-I'm sorry. Let me turn it off. -No, don't turn this off!

I want to hear this.

The Partridge Family, what's that,

like an alt-right Christian group?

(LAUGHS) No.

It's a TV show in the States in the '70s.

It...doesn't matter.

-# I think I love you... # -Doesn't matter.

Oh, my God, did you plan to have that playing

to, like, mark the moment?

No, no.

If I had planned this I would have chosen a much,

you know, cooler song.

Oh, what, so someone uncool must have put this on your phone.

Well, yeah, that's...

That's the only reasonable explanation, yeah.

What kind of monster would do such a thing?

There are bad people out there

and they like their things groovy.

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

-So what you said before... -Yeah.

Well, I feel like if I said it now,

you'd think I was only saying it because you said it first.

No. Well, I don't want that.

I don't want that, 'cause that would be bad.

-Well, it would cheapen us. -Yeah.

-And cheap is the worst. -Cheap is the worst.

But I will say that I like you a lot.

Like, a LOT, a lot?

Like...an average lot. (LAUGHS)

(SONG CONTINUES)

# Do you think you love me?

# I think I love you... #

(MUSIC FADES)

RUTH: OK, cancel photographer,

venue, catering, stripper.

You booked a stripper?

Oh, yeah. Um...

Born Big. Amazing dancer.

Oh!

He's...

-Got good teeth. -Mm.

RECORDING: Audrey's not here. Don't leave a message.

(BEEP!)

Hi. It's me, Gemma, again.

(SIGHS) I think you're supposed to be on a plane to London.

I'm not sure if you're getting any of my messages,

but it's about your brother.

Um...

(STAMMERS) I can't do this over the phone.

Audrey, please,

please call me back.

I am...begging you.

(SIGHS)

So are we supposed to go to the airport

and just hope that Nathan's sister got on her flight?

She's not on any social media.

It's inexcusable. It's not 1993.

No, Ruth, it's not 1993.

-Well observed. -Mm.

Whew.

How's Frank, Ruth?

Yeah, we're really happy. Why?

Oh, no, I just saw his mum at Tesco's.

Oh, yes, well, yeah.

She's bitter about her boobs.

She's suing the doctor.

Sad, really.

I thought her breasts looked nice.

Are you drinking?!

Mam, leave him alone.

What?

-No! -Oh!

At a time like this.

Sorry, Gemma.

He means well.

But you know men.

It's a wonder they manage to piss

without us pointing their dicks at the toilet.

(COUGHS)

(JET ENGINE ROARS)

(TENDER MUSIC)

So, I have a question.

Why am I not wearing any socks?

'Cause my ankles are freezing.

Because the last time you put on socks, Nathan, you died,

so maybe now is not the time to bitch at me

about how the dead you would appear in my imagination.

That's actually pretty petty.

She won't show.

You know she won't.

(DYNAMIC FUNK MUSIC)

# Like a broken chair, off kilter

# Like a muddy pool, no filter

# Up, down, lost, found

# Jumping off, looking back

# Bounce, dizzying spin... #

God damn!

Old people are hot!

I'm Gemma.

Oh, the bride! Hey!

Here.

(SIGHS)

Oh, this old thing?

Don't worry. It's not mine.

So, what do you mean, that isn't yours?

So, this super-sweet gay couple, we bonded over 'Mean Girls'.

I still can't believe 'fetch' isn't a thing.

Anyway, they wanted a baby,

so Richard used his sperm and Haru got his sister's ovum

and I'm the oven!

(CLICKS TONGUE) Ding!

-Wow, that's really nice of you. -I know, right?

I'm making a family for these people I hardly even know.

Even if they weren't paying me a lot of money,

I'd still do it.

I mean, I wouldn't, but still, it's a really good thing to do.

How much money?

Oh, my God, Ruth, you're not allowed to ask that.

Where's Nathan?

M-maybe we should sit down.

-There's a cafe right here. -I could have a coffee.

DEREK: Gemma, a coffee?

I tried to call you, like, a bunch of times.

Left loads of messages on your phone.

So...where is he?

You should have picked up your phone.

He's dead.

(LAUGHS)

Nathan didn't tell me how funny you were.

Or...weird.

But, uh, I... I could, uh...

Like, uh...

Like...

-That's a really nice handbag. -Yeah, um...

Yeah, it's...it's Prada.

(JET ENGINE ROARS)

(RETCHES)

Eugh.

Eugh. It's fine.

It's fine. It's...

You know, it's Pra... It's Prada, but, you know...

Eugh. (GAGS)

It's totally fine.

(INHALES)

Om.

Oh!

Audrey, love, I know it's not my place,

but we really should contact your mother.

Mam, it's complicated.

Well, someone knows where she is.

I thought I wanted to see her after my dad died, but...

Can I be honest with you, Lorraine?

Yeah.

I've had a lot of therapy

to work through this whole Mom abandoning us thing,

and I'm in such a good place right now

that if I did see her, it probably would be fine,

but it also probably wouldn't,

and id end up screaming, "Thundercunt!"

while I beat her with a coathanger.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm kidding, by the way.

I would not use a coathanger.

We'll be fine.

I've never used this expression before

and I do not use I lightly, but she's trouble.

Go.

I mean, I know she's Nathan's sister, of course, but...

-She's a nut. -Oh, my God. Goodnight.

(SIGHS)

Did you do this?

Nathan said you were an artist,

but I wasn't expecting you to be good.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not an artist.

I just...

I just edit the contrast of elderly people

on a pensioners' magazine.

And I do graphs.

I mean, they're good graphs, but still.

So, they baby's dads, are they gonna let you see the kid?

Yeah, they want the whole keeping me involved deal

so I don't end up feeling used.

Regular photos, visits, blah, blah, blah.

But I'm such a continuous momentum type of person

that when I come to the end of something, I'm, like, done.

Like, done.

Right.

(SCOFFS)

I don't have to stay here, you know.

Oh, no, we were always expecting you to stay, Audrey.

Yeah, but I don't have to...now, you know?

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, where would you go?

I'm very resourceful.

-Alright. -I am.

No, I didn't say you weren't, but I'm...

..hardly gonna throw a pregnant woman out on the street.

It's not Bethlehem.

Uh.

You really hurt him when you didn't come for Christmas,

you know?

He paid for the flights. All you had to do was turn up.

But I've only ever seen him cry twice, and he cried.

When was the other time he cried?

When Marlin finally finds Nemo.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

(ORGAN PLAYS 'ABIDE WITH ME')

MAN: Shall we follow Nathan inside?

People have spoken so warmly about Nathan.

He was obviously a very special man.

Yeah.

Mind you,

people do tend to speak very highly of the deceased.

Hello.

We are here today...

..to celebrate the life

of Nathan Petraszewski.

Is that Polish?

DEREK: Yes.

Yeah, that makes sense. (CHUCKLES)

The Poles are a big-hearted people.

You say 'Polish', I think 'big hearts'.

Great sausages. (LAUGHS)

Auschwitz.

Nathan inspired love and affection

in everyone he knew.

That makes today difficult.

Why?

Because he's dead.

And we're not ready to say goodbye.

Doesn't matter whether you're one

or 101,

we're never ready to say goodbye.

One is obviously the worst.

101, well, great innings, you know, not unexpected.

See, this is what happens

when you don't go with a priest in a church.

You get Kathy's boyfriend to get Ian.

His online reviews are glowing, Lorraine. Glowing!

Sh! Just shut up.

I myself know a thing or two about wrong priorities,

wasting minutes on Earth.

Some years ago, I had a menswear shop

off the Essex Road.

Suitability.

-(LAUGHS) -Yeah? Thank you.

Unfortunately, you need more than a clever name

to take on the big boys of fashion retail,

I'll tell you that much for nothing.

Right now I'm facing yet another bankruptcy,

my wife has left me for good this time,

and as much as I need her screaming in my earhole

like a knee in the balls, I don't want to die alone either!

-I can't. -Pretend it's not happening.

And you know what all this has taught me?

It's taught me to stop!

-(INHALES) -Breathe.

(EXHALES)

And remember.

Four little letters.

Oh, please don't say 'love'.

If he says 'love' I'm gonna kill him.

Four little letters that bring us together

and make the world a more beautiful place.

MDMA. Ha! I'm joking.

It's 'love'. L-O-V-E. What are you doing? Oi!

-It's not open mic night, love. This isn't how my brother...

None of this is how it should be.

-Can I...

-Why are you still standing here?

-OK. -Get out!

Oh, well, pop in there.

KATHY: Would you feck off, Ian?

AUDREY: Further away. Further!

Oh, OK.

(DOOR OPENS)

My brother deserves, like...

(DOOR SLAMS)

..a really amazing celebration.

None of this feels like it's about Nathan,

and it doesn't say we love him.

And we do, right?

I love him more than anything in the world.

(AUDREY CRIES)

(ORGAN PLAYS 'AVE MARIA')

LORRAINE: So he said it's a paradoxical embolism,

and she was laughing.

Gemma's response, denial, is totally normal

at this stage of the process.

I was on a flight to Washington,

and we lost 36B.

Heart attack. Dead.

Every flight attendant's worst nightmare.

God. Well, that's awful, Ruth.

Yeah, but it felt so normal,

reflex, even,

to just keep offering him meals and light refreshments.

It was only when I looked up from the food service trolley

and saw the blanket belted over his head

that I remembered, "Oh, yeah,

"he doesn't want the chicken or the fish."

LORRAINE: Right.

HOST: And in third place on 41,

He's Not a Paedo.

In second place, The Betty White Preservation Society, on 45.

-(GASPS) Hey! -Whoo!

HOST: And in first place, last week's champs,

Gwyneth's Head is in the Box

with an impressive 47.

MAN: Whoo-whoo! Winners!

And now for something a little unorthodox -

a bonus question.

Ooh!

HOST: The most important question of the evening,

nay, for some of you, the most important question

of your lives.

Ooh! (LAUGHS)

What film am I?

I'm a romantic comedy.

Eugh. Vom. Right, I'm gonna get the beers in.

-No, sit down. -Ow!

Oh, my God, you just hit me!

He's American, extremely good-looking,

with an arse as pert as the first stone fruit of the season.

Bit of an exaggeration.

She is a goddess,

beautiful, complicated

and completely unique.

Oh, my God, sound fucking woeful.

-Who wrote this show? -(THUMP!)

Ow! Ow. Why are you kicking me?

They meet on a foggy night in Old London Town.

She entrances him

by swigging gin from her handbag

and sharing her loud opinions on cat poo.

He entrances her by leaving his own party

and following her to the deepest depths of Hackney.

OK, guys, I'm not getting this. Should we put 'Notting Hill'?

In a dead-end lane, they attend a festival of the oppressed...

Oh, my God.

..at an anarchist warehouse squat.

-Oh! -No! Oh, my God, no!

..where, instead of planning to smash the state...

I'm gonna die, I'm actually gonna die. No.

She convinces him that 'Who's the Boss?' is a searing satire

of class and gender, and nobody vacuums like...

Tony Danza, I... Oh, God. Stop it.

Before she met him,

she said she never wanted to get married, but...

I'm actually gonna die.

-God! Oh, please, God. -Sh, sh, sh!

NATHAN: Thanks.

(LOUDLY) Check... Oh.

-Uh, my microphone voice. -I'll murder you.

Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

Uh...

I've always been a pretty self-sufficient...

I've always been a pretty self-sufficient guy.

Um, all my life, you know, I've always taken care of myself.

That's just the way it was, and that...

That's just who I am, you know?

And I got by. It was fine, you know?

Um, you still gotta wake up every morning.

Right?

And...and then I meet you

and my whole world changed.

It was like, uh...

It was like I've been sitting alone in the dark,

and I didn't even realise it until you turned on the lights.

So, um...

Whew.

Mm.

Will you marry me?

And there are a lot of people watching,

so if the answer is no right now,

just say yes and you can say no later, OK?

(TENTATIVE MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

I just...

-Ah, yeah, why not? -(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

RUTH: Whoo!

(LAUGHS) I was dying to tell you!

Whoo!

Hooray!

Oh. Oh!

Stop it.

(MOUTHS WORDS)

(ONLOOKERS CHEER)

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

DEREK: What about presents?

I mean, people might have bought presents.

LORRAINE: Good idea. Cancel the orders straight away.

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

Stop!

Can everyone just shush?

Er, so, this might sound mad,

but, erm, Nathan really wanted to marry me.

Like, really wanted to marry me.

So...

..why not get married?

Er...

..Gemma, love...

Er...

Nathan is dead.

Yeah, Mam, I know that. Thanks for the heads-up.

We just attended the world's worst funeral,

and that's my point.

We were supposed to be getting married,

that's what we were supposed to be doing,

not whatever today was.

And our story cannot end on Ian,

a man who probably does weird stuff to lizards.

Well, the bit where they played 'Ave Maria' was quite nice.

Yeah, but, Mammy, it had nothing to do with Nathan.

Aren't we supposed to be doing what Nathan wanted?

And what he wanted,

God, what he wanted was to get married.

Tracey Emin married a rock.

I'm just saying,

people do weird shit for love.

Well, thanks for that, Audrey.

Yeah.

I really want to keep my promise to him.

And if Tracey Emin can marry a rock...

..then I want to marry Nathan.

Right.

AUDREY: Smell my breath. (EXHALES)

-GEMMA: What? No! -Smell it.

-Smell your breath! -(AUDREY EXHALES)

AUDREY: You get that chicken soup smell?

It's so weird. I don't eat chicken.

OK, let me search this.

Oh!

No, no, it's OK.

"Can I marry my cousin?" No.

"My dog?" no.

-Oh. -Oh, there. "My dead fiance."

Yes, "The Lord Chief Justice

"may authorise a solemnisation of marriage

"if one of the spouses died

"after the completion of official formalities

"marking an unequivocal consent."

"Official formalities", what is that?

So that's like giving notice.

So, in England, you have to go to the registry office

before you get married and answer questions like,

"Oh, are you already married?"

or "Do you have the same parents?"

Is there a lot of incest in England?

I'd say above average.

But the point is Nathan and I gave notice months ago.

It's unequivocal consent.

It's proof that Nathan wanted to marry me.

Wow!

So you can, technically, marry a dead guy.

That is fucked up!

I'm not judging.

I once dated a woman who thought we evolved from fish.

We did, though.

Oh, look, I can marry Nathan if the Lord Chief Justice approves.

How do we get approval?

Let's ask her.

(UPBEAT SOUL MUSIC)

# Don't lock up your love

# Don't lock up your love from me

# When you know I've got the key

# Don't lock up your love from me

# 'Cause I'll walk right out on you

# And I'll set your heart free

# Don't lock up your love

# Don't lock up your love from me

# When you know I'm your desire

# Don't lock up your love from me

# And although you resist me, baby

# I'll be fuelling the fire

# Oh, oh, oh... #

AUDREY: Yes! There it is.

The Lord Chief Justice, at a conference.

-Let's do it! -No, Audrey, no.

Gemma, do you love Nathan?

Do you want to marry him?

Yeah, OK.

Well, it's time to woman the fuck up.

Grab hold of your labia. Let's do this, yeah!

-(THUMP!) -Oh, my God!

-Oh, she hit the bone. -Sorry.

Wow, that is a fabulous dress.

Oh, found our names.

Here's me and here's you.

-Thank you. -Mm-hm.

Valerie Goldsmith.

Oh, of course.

Sorry, didn't recognise you.

The American accent threw me.

Hm?

I thought you were British.

Mm. Yeah.

(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) I was born in Australia.

(GERMAN ACCENT) But my father's German.

In zee army. Ein Oberstleutnant.

(FRENCH ACCENT) So I grew up, you know, everywhere.

I went to medical school at Paree...

(SOUTHERN US ACCENT) ..then my residency in Texas,

so I don't know what accent's gonna fly out of my mouth.

(LAUGHS)

RECEPTIONIST: Oh.

Oh, sorry, yes, I'm...

I'm Kevin Wu.

Thanks so much.

GEMMA: Now that we're here

I feel like we really should have a plan.

(AUDREY LAUGHS) A plan!

Kevin.

You get to be Valerie and I have to be Kevin.

It's a gender-neutral name.

No genders want to be called Kevin.

Can we just take one of these? Thank you.

Kevin Wu.

(SLURPS)

Yes, that is me.

I...I didn't think you'd be...

Oh, well... (CHUCKLES)

David, erm...

It's actually a gender-neutral name.

Yeah. Get with the times.

Yeah. Wise up, man. (CHUCKLES)

Alright, well, I was just reading your report

into mandatory sentencing.

It's...a bit draconian, don't you think?

No evidence it works as an effective deterrent anywhere.

Er, she was drunk when she wrote it.

She has a drinking problem.

(SNIFFS)

(SIGHS)

-(SLAMS DOWN CUP) -That was actually tea.

Lie to me. I don't care.

But when you lie to yourself, you break my heart.

(CHIME SOUNDS)

Shall we?

MAN OVER SPEAKER: The conference is commencing now.

It was lovely meeting you, David.

(AUDREY SIGHS)

-Fuck! -Uh-uh.

GEMMA: Oh, God.

(GEMMA AND AUDREY WHISPER INDISTINCTLY)

MAN: All rise.

(POSH VOICE) Good afternoon.

Thank you.

So, shall we get started?

(GEMMA CLEARS THROAT)

MAN: We agree that the status quo isn't working,

but we're yet to be convinced

that there's any merit in zones of tolerance.

And if you allow women who work in the prostitution profession

to continue their trade and, indeed...

-(SNORES) -..offer them concessions

and securities,

it will send entirely the wrong message...

(AUDREY MOANS SOFTLY)

..chiefly because it legitimises

what is a criminal act.

You don't incentivise someone to make something of her life

if you simply offer them the easy way out.

(LAUGHS SCORNFULLY)

I'm sorry, Valerie,

was there something you wanted to contribute

between naps?

Actually, Neil, I do have something to say.

(QUIETLY) No, no, no, no. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Easy way out?

You ever fought an ex-Marine over a can of corn?

You ever have to sleep in a dumpster

'cause you were afraid of being raped or worse?

'Cause I have.

So, yeah, I may have done some pretty ugly things in my life,

but I didn't just survive.

I sur-thrived!

What is it that you find so threatening, Neil?

That women should be paid for something

you think you're entitled to for free?

-WOMAN: Yes! -That's it!

WOMAN 2: I agree.

(PEOPLE MURMUR)

That kind of personal attack is completely unjustified.

You know what, Neil?

Fuck the police!

-Oh. -(PEOPLE EXCLAIM)

-GEMMA: No. -(AUDREY GRUNTS)

(CHANTS) Two, four, six, eight!

Stop the violence! Stop the hate!

Two, four, six, eight!

Smash the police state!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

When I say, "Whose streets?" you say, "Our streets."

Whose streets?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

-Let's try again. OK. -No.

When I say, "Whose streets?" you say, "Our streets."

Whose streets?

No.

Our streets.

Sorry I'm late. I'm Valerie.

-Oh, fuck. -I think is my seat.

Oh. Um...

Your Lord Chief of Justice,

um, I was wondering if I could talk to you about

a posthumous marriage.

Um... I suppose now is not a very good time, though, is it?

Who are you?

-Oh! Um, I'm... -She's Kevin Wu.

(AUDREY GRUNTS)

Jesus, your hands are freezing!

It's like being molested by a penguin! Eugh!

In retrospect, you probably should have had a plan.

(VENDOR SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

(AUDREY MUMBLES) Now, see, the mushroom layer is the best part.

You sure you don't want just a little bite?

No.

-No? -No.

-OK. -Erm, you know what?

Er, like, not that I should, er,

trust your judgement in light of your recent actions, but...

..do you think that this whole wedding thing is bonkers?

'Bonkers' is such a cute word.

Almost as cute as 'tea cosy'.

Yeah.

(STAMMERS) Yeah, no. No. No, no, no.

(STAMMERS) I mean, do you...

Like, do you think that this is, like, insane?

-Like, is it crazy? -Definitely.

(GEMMA EXHALES)

OK, you're not getting what I'm saying.

What I mean is, like, am I wrong?

No. Not at all.

Yeah, see, now, that...that should...

That should set off a load of alarm bells

because the only person who gets me is practically certifiable.

(VENDOR SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

(GEMMA LAUGHS)

Yes. (LAUGHS)

Oh, what?

So, I have to wear a stupid white dress

and you won't even wear one flashing bow tie?

-(CHUCKLES) -No, no, no.

It's not about your dress. I don't care about your dress.

It's just about how, you know,

you seem so uncomfortable with everything, you know?

I mean, are you so embarrassed with getting married

that the only way that we can have this wedding

is if it's in air quotes?

Because whenever you talk with anyone about it, it's always,

"Oh, no, no, no, it's not a wedding.

"It's a conscious coupling."

"Oh, no, it's not a wedding. It's a visa scam."

Oh, my God! Have a sense of humour.

You're so earnest and American.

I'm sorry. I just...

I feel like you only said yes

because there were a bunch of people there.

And that's on me. That's on me.

I went with the big dumb romantic gesture.

I'll be honest, Nathan, I don't know what more you want from me.

I just want to feel like this means as much to you

as it means to me.

Well, that's impossible.

Also, nobody knows how they'll feel in 50 years' time.

Wh... (SCOFFS)

Are you saying you don't believe in marriage?

(STAMMERS)

I mean, it's important to you, so I'm marrying you.

What I do promise is that

I will be always honest with you about how I feel.

Always. So...

Yeah, but you ended every relationship you've had.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got out of them before they went bad,

but the point is I'm trying with you, Nathan.

I am fucking trying.

Actually, would you rather we were like my parents?

They don't even sleep in the same room as each other.

I actually don't think they even like each other anymore.

Life isn't like 'The Partridge Family'

where everyone just gets on a fuckin' bus

and sings feel-good songs.

(LAUGHS SCORNFULLY)

Wow. So, you're 'trying'?

-Yes. -OK.

Well, I'm sorry,

but I don't think someone should have to try

when it's someone they love.

It shouldn't be some sort of Herculean effort.

Oh, my God, I actually can't believe we're doing this again.

Just because I don't say it all the time, it doesn't mean...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's not about that, OK?

This is about the fact that I feel like

I am the one driving everything -

like, everything!

I am the one that made us finally settle on a date.

I got us the custom pinatas, the lanterns.

I even designed the bouquet!

I may care about this too much,

but you don't seem to care about it, like, at all.

That is not fair, Nathan. That is not fair.

Yeah? I know you haven't started writing your vows.

You know what?

I actually think that you are so scarred from your mother leaving

that you're trying to lock me in.

But the truth is, Nathan, in real life,

families will break your fuckin' heart.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

Hey!

Have you seen these?

(SOUTHERN US ACCENT) I feel like fuckin' my uncle

and riding a mechanical bull, god damn it.

Come on!

MAN: And here. And again here.

And here.

And here.

A letter requesting a posthumous marriage,

also known as necrogamy.

'Necrogamy'.

Saves having to fake a lifetime of orgasms, I suppose.

(GIGGLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's from Miss Gemma Fitzgerald.

She was here at the conference pretending to be Kevin Wu.

Oh, yes, her.

Have you heard that Kevin Wu has an alcohol problem?

I know. Should I send him some flowers on your behalf?

Why? He's an alcoholic, not an expectant mother.

No, draft a letter.

"Dear Ms Fitzgerald, yadda, yadda, yadda. No."

I've looked into it and, technically -

I mean, technically -

her request is not without legal foundation.

The 1807 Posthumous Marriage Act

was created during the Napoleonic Wars

to enable betrothed couples separated by war

and ultimately death

to marry.

The Act's never been overturned, so, technically...

You've got the sort of face that absolutely begs to be punched.

(DOOR BUZZES)

Fuck me with a pickle. Dylan Campbell.

God! I miss him.

Whoa.

You're...you're with child.

-Don't I know it. -Hah!

Come on in.

Come on.

Everyone, this is Dylan Campbell.

Dylan Campbell!

What are you doing here? (GRUNTS)

I am so sorry.

Oh, wow. Yeah. OK.

Yeah. Yeah, thank...

Uh, this is Nathan's best friend from home.

-Dylan. -Hey.

I just wanted to be with people

who knew and loved him, you know?

And my flight was non-refundable, so...

(PHONE CHIMES)

Fuck me with two pickles!

What?

We have a meeting with the Lord Chief Justice.

No!

What?! Audrey!

(LAUGHS)

-Oh! -We did it!

-Guys, how amazing is this? -Mm!

(GEMMA SIGHS HAPPILY)

-MAN: It's just around here. -Thank you.

Some of these books are hundreds of years old,

which is just a few years younger

than the Lord Chief Justice.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

-Don't tell her I said that. -No.

PATRON: Shh.

Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with us,

especially after, um... what happened last time.

Yes, well, love makes us do mad things, doesn't it?

For what it's worth,

I agreed with what you said at the conference.

Neil Ashford's idea of helping vulnerable women

is to incarcerate them,

so well done you for calling him out on his bullshit.

So, actually, you're grateful I was there.

-No. You ruined the event. -Oh.

So, let's get down to the business in hand.

-Necrogamy. -A horrible word.

No one has been granted

a posthumous marriage licence in this country since...

1816.

What I don't understand is, why marry him?

It'd be purely symbolic.

Yes, but aren't most marriages just symbolic things?

I mean, rings, certificates -

they're all just symbols, aren't they?

No, I'd have to disagree with you there,

speaking as someone who's been married and divorced

more than once.

(CHUCKLES) No, if rings and certificates

were all we had to live with...

No.

Marriage doesn't exist in the symbolic,

but in the real lived now.

Have you heard of Irene Jodart?

Remind me.

Well, she was this woman in France

who, in the '50s, her fiance was killed

when this dam broke

and it killed a couple of hundred other people.

And when President de Gaulle came to visit the village,

she begged him to let her marry her fiance

and he agreed.

And maybe it was because of the pressures of the media

or maybe it was because he felt sorry for her

or maybe it was because he understood

that sometimes the symbolic is all you have.

Oh.

Mm. Well, you know the problem with the French, don't you?

They're just too...

-French? -(SIGHS SOFTLY)

See, if I'm to even consider your proposal,

I need the family's approval.

-Oh, well, I mean... -I approve.

And you need to demonstrate without doubt

that Mr Petraszewski

would have married you had he not died.

Yes, we have the...

And a letter of intention to marry

isn't going to get you anywhere.

I could give Alan here a letter of my intention

to go Pilates this evening,

but he knows as well as I do that I'll be at home on the sofa

finishing a bottle of Malbec.

Just the one bottle? (CHUCKLES)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I'll do the jokes, thank you, Alan.

No, I'm afraid what you're asking is impossible.

No.

If they can fake the moon landing, nothing is impossible.

We will find you proof and this woman will marry my brother.

Do you even exist inside your mind for five minutes?

Thank you so much for your time.

ALAN: I'll see you out.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

OK. Er, I think I've got everything that you need here.

Um, so, I've got a copy of the menu.

Oh, yeah.

And I've also got a copy of the invoice

which shows the date you made the booking

and how much of the deposit you've already paid.

So, enough proof that you were planning a wedding,

I should think.

Yeah. That's...that's great. Thank you very much, Tim.

That's really helpful.

I think this probably isn't the best time,

but then you think, "When is the best time?"

And then you sort of end up never actually asking.

What?

I don't want to speak ill of the dead...

Oh, my God, Tim! What are you talking about?

(STAMMERS) I'm pretty sure...

..I caught Nathan cheating.

-What?! -My brother would never...

I saw him go to the men's room and he was...

He was on his phone.

And?

He was on his phone, Gemma!

Completely compromises the integrity of the event

if dishonest people think they can just google the answers.

Oh, the quiz. He's talking about cheating on the quiz. OK.

AUDREY: What the fuck are you talking about?

And more importantly, why do you look like a marmot?

-GEMMA: Audrey... -(STAMMERS) Wa... Ho...

The questions don't write themselves, OK?

The themed montage and accompanying soundtrack

does not cut itself together.

So, when someone does not respect the no-phones policy,

it's like saying what I do doesn't matter.

It's like saying I don't matter.

I just called you a rodent. You don't matter!

My brother is dead and you're focused on trivia,

which, by its very definition, is trivial!

I am sorry that your brother is dead,

but that does not give you an excuse to be excessively rude.

(GASPS)

You ever had your ass kicked by a pregnant woman?

Can you calm down and stop overturning furniture, please?

You keep looking at me like I'm crazy

and this foetus and I will fuck you up!

OK, OK. Yep.

I take it you no longer

want to proceed with the wedding booking.

Oh, no, be lovely to have it here. That'd be grand.

Thanks, Tim.

-(PHONE CHIMES) -(AUDREY GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

-Oh. -Feel this.

-Oh, no. What, really? -No, no, really.

-Oh. Aah! -(LAUGHS) Feel that?

-(LAUGHS) God, that's nuts. -Wait, do you?

Yeah, yeah, that's really weird. Wow.

-Sorry. -No, that's...

BOTH: Yeah.

God.

I, uh, didn't tell Nathan about the baby.

I thought he'd, you know, "What's wrong with you?

"You just keep jumping from one poorly thought-out decision

"to another."

You know, I-I-I think he would have been proud of you.

You're making a family for someone.

-Really? You think? -Yeah.

I mean, he'd be super critical

about your decision-making, sure.

(LAUGHS) Obviously, there is so much to criticise.

Yeah, but I think he'd support you.

Do you know what? In fact, I am sure of it.

He would support you.

Um...

You know how I, uh, didn't make it for Christmas?

I missed my flight because

I didn't have the bus fare to get to the airport.

I had $6.37 in my account and nowhere to sleep. Uh...

I mean, where were your friends?

I'm not really good at the friends thing.

I want them, but after a while, they don't really want me.

So, Nathan dies thinking that I don't give a shit about him.

He's the only person in my life that I care about

and I let him think that because I didn't have...

Come on. Come here.

(TENDER MUSIC)

We're never gonna be OK again, are we?

No. Probably not.

OK, come on.

I've got a wedding dress to try on.

(GENTLE SOUL MUSIC)

GEMMA: Oh, drum roll. Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

This is the... Oh!

Oh, wow. Oh, my God.

-AUDREY: Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah. Oh, God. -Gorgeous.

Yeah. I think...

I just think it's probably, like, maybe half an inch...

-Oh, that's... -..too wide.

No, that's easy. Let's have a look.

I don't wanna have to wear a bra, so I want that support.

-A bit of a lift? -Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

So, just whatever you're doing there.

OK, hang on. So, let's try that. A bit of a... Hang on.

-Perfect. -A bit of a pinch like that.

Is there any way of, like, bringing the bones of it in

to lift it up or is that a mad thing to suggest?

No, that's...

I mean, it's very traditional, but I like it.

And then we've got pockets.

-(AUDREY GASPS) -What?

-Yeah. -Oh!

-Oh, my God! No way! -Yeah.

Finally pockets! It's got pockets!

You know? Just, like, you would never think of it.

Is that dress strictly appropriate?

Well, I don't know what's appropriate, Mammy,

but this is the dress that I chose to wear,

so that's what I'm wearing.

Yeah, and you are absolutely smokin' in it.

Your husband is going to die. Hm? (GIGGLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Gemma, I'm trying to be supportive, but...

Mammy, don't do, "I'm not trying to nag you." Stop it.

I don't know what you're talking about

"If you don't want your face to be so obviously asymmetrical,

"why don't you just tilt it?"

Stop it.

Well, it is less obvious when you tilt it left.

Um, excuse me, Jilly, could you, um...

Could you give us a moment, please?

-Oh, no, absolutely. -Thanks, babe.

Gemma, look, have the party, call it a wedding.

Why do you have to make it legal?!

-Because I have to, Mammy. -Gemma, what you need...

Oh, what I need, Mammy,

is for everyone to stop telling me what I need!

(JILLY SINGSONGS) I brought bubbles!

Lovely!

-(JILLY GIGGLES) -Oh, thank you very much.

Cheers.

-That's for you. -Thank you.

Party. Yeah?

Isn't she stunning, hey?

-Ah. -You really do look beautiful.

No, it's tasteful, but fun.

Traditional, but sexy.

So, your mum can be proud of you,

but later in the bedroom, Mum's not around, oh!

You know what I'm talking about. Ah! (GIGGLES)

The groom is dead!

This is too much. Here. Take that.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)

RUTH: Thanks for dinner.

LORRAINE: You're welcome.

Oh, I really loved that boy, you know.

What am I supposed to do?

What, let our girl become Miss Havisham?

A lunatic in a wedding dress?

I will do whatever it takes to get her there.

I promise you there will be no wedding.

# Drop, drop

# Drop it from the top

# Make it work, work

# Drop it till it's done

# Drop, drop

# Drop it from the top

# Make it work, work... #

Mo! You said this was gonna be low-key!

Yeah, Mo, you did say that.

Um, OK. I have literally just got you free entry.

I think the phrase that you're looking for is 'thank you'.

-Thank you. -(LAUGHS) Yeah. Thank you.

You go find some seats.

I think I'm gonna have to have a drink first.

I'm getting you a milk.

# Drop, drop

# Drop it from the top

# Make it work, work

# Drop it till it's done... #

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

# Yo, my body's burning up... #

RUTH: Thank you. Thank you.

Whoo-whoo-whoo! Get that down you!

Erm, babe, babe,

I feel like I'm having second thoughts about this.

Mm-mm-mm. No.

I promised Lorraine that we would get her to call it off.

If we can just make her cry, make her feel something.

Look, I know, but alcohol, mental health -

they are messy bedfellows.

Just think about my aunt Patrice.

She's not allowed sharp objects anymore.

She has to cut her meat with a spoon.

Yeah, can we get some more tequilas, please?

Line them up!

(CLUBBERS CHEER)

# Break it

# Let's go and do it, yeah... #

Let me see you sweat, you dirty little pricks!

(CLUBBERS CHEER)

Champion!

Aah!

# W-w-w-w-wind it up

# You're a party in my cup... #

-Ah! Yes, yes. -No, no, no.

-No? -No, no, no.

OK, alright.

I'm just gonna...

Shh! Thank you.

Whoo!

This is for you! Take a sip.

-Take a sip. -OK. (GROANS)

A sip. Take a sip. Take...

(STAMMERS) Whoo. No, no.

(GLASSES CLINK)

RUTH: Mm!

Love you. We are here for you, Gem.

-Gem, Gem-Gem. Boop! -Oh.

'Cause alcohol helps when you feel sad.

I have a book, 'Widow to Widow'...

Yeah.

..and it says, erm,

that your tears have hormones and potassium in them

and that's why you feel better after you just let it all out.

So, yeah, you've just gotta...

You've gotta let out your potassium, girl.

Whoa, I think you've had enough, Ruthie.

No, no, because you're not grieving, so you don't...

You need catharsis...

(SOBS) ..so that you...

(SOBS) I'm sorry.

-Ruth! Oh, my God. -You need to cry!

-What's wrong? -(WEEPS)

Oh, boo-boo!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

# And you don't know just how you feel

# Until you're sure

# You're sure you know it's real

# The lights go up

# I see it in your eyes

# I see I'm blowing out speakers in your mind

# I... I'm blowing out speakers in your mind

# I... I'm blowing out speakers in your mind... #

What are you doing?

(STAMMERS) What...what...what am I doing right now?

Yeah! What are you doing, dick cheese?

Uh...

OK, I...I can do honesty. Uh...

I'm kinda really messed up about Nathan.

I just feel...

More alone than you've ever felt?

Yes.

If it makes you feel any better,

if I was straight and had no self-esteem,

I would totally do you.

Thank you.

(WEEPS)

Oh, Ruth, what happened?

-It's...it's Frank. -What?

Frank.

He...he said that I was too, like, rigid...

-(GASPS) -..and too uptight.

No, no, no, no, no.

So, I stopped feeling comfortable

being naked around him.

Bastard.

And he said that I was just no fun.

Oh, no! Come here!

He left me a month ago.

-What?! -Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me?

(SOBS) I'm sorry. I'm just so humiliated right now.

Come here! Oh, boo-boo! No!

I feel silly like a silly-billy.

You are not a silly-billy.

Look at me. You are not a silly-billy, Ruth.

-I'm not a silly-billy? -You are not a silly-billy.

Don't ever say that about yourself.

He's a silly-billy. Arsehole. He's an arsehole!

-Billy. -Billy.

-Billy! -Billy!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, now I laughed too hard. I need to wee.

Oh, no!

I do need to wee, actually. Hang on a minute.

-OK. -Yeah, yeah. (LAUGHS)

Sorry.

RUTH: Oh, I'm sorry. Do you know where the loo is?

-Just down there, lovely. -Is it just down there?

OK. Sorry.

If there ever was a lady who needed a Dylan intervention...

-Ask her to dance. -Ruth?!

She is way out of my league.

Yeah, but she's drunk,

so her standards are basically non-existent.

I am not the guy who hits on drunk women.

No, no, no, I didn't say you were,

but you can be a friend, right,

asking for a friendly dance, cheering up a friend who's blue?

Oh, God. Sorry.

-Hm. -(DYLAN CLEARS THROAT)

RUTH: OK. Alright. Ooh! Sorry.

Hey, Ruth, did you wanna...

I...

Oh. Is that the queue? Is that the queue?

Oh, my God, I'm gonna wet myself. Aah!

Sorry.

-Ruth, do you... -Aah.

(SHOUTS) Ruth, do you wanna dance?

Fuck sake!

(LIGHT DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

Dylan, what are you doing?

# Set me free

# Oh-ho, yeah

# When I hold you, baby

# When your heart beats close to me

# Wanna stay in your arms forever

# Only love can set you free... #

He's American,

so that's explains a lot of the confidence.

(POLE SQUEAKS)

# Oh-ho, yeah... #

(GIGGLES SOFTLY)

-(GASPS) -(POST CLANGS)

-(LIQUID TRICKLES) -Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-I've just pissed myself! -What?

-I'm pissing myself! -Oh, for fuck's sake!

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

Oh, baby, no!

(GASPS) I don't know what to do.

-I got you. -What?

(STAMMERS) What? What? What?

Hey, everyone!

-Oh, my... -It's me!

(MUSIC DISTORTS AND CEASES)

I'm the one peeing on the floor.

(CLUBBERS GROAN)

Thank you very much! Thank you!

Oh! (RUTH SOBS INDISTINCTLY)

Greece. A small island. Folegandros.

-Looks lovely. -Oh, it is.

We're, um...

We were going there for our honeymoon.

Do you fly in and out of Athens?

Yeah, or you could go via Santorini

and then take a little ferry.

Mm. Can you make a note of that?

ALAN: Mm-hm.

So, my answer's still no.

AUDREY AND GEMMA: What?

I'm satisfied that Nathan intended to marry you,

but you led me to believe that his family

had already given their consent.

-But she did. -We have. I have.

But his mother, your mother, Margaret Petraszewski,

now Cahill, is still alive.

We haven't seen her in over 20 years.

-I'm his next of kin. -Legally, you're not.

What, so, because they have a shitty mother,

you're gonna deny Nathan his final wish?

How is that fair?

Maybe my sympathies got the better of me

and I led you to think that this was more possible

than it actually was.

What does that mean?

It means that breaking with 200 years of convention

takes more than a pub receipt and some holiday snaps.

I'm sorry if it sounds cruel, but the law's the law.

My hands are tied.

Gemma, where are you going?

Honestly, Audrey, to find your mam.

What?

Yeah, I know, but do you have any better ideas?

No, I thought not.

So...

REPORTER: The jury were visibly moved by the witness's testimony

which ran for some time

and was full of harrowing details.

This case is one of the most complex

to be fought in this court

and will be running for some weeks more.

(DYLAN AND AUDREY CHANT) Defend love!

Love on trial!

Defend love! Love on trial!

Why are you a hot dog?

Because I don't do slutty nurse.

Why? You wanna be the hot dog?

No!

(BOTH CHANT) Defend love! Love on trial!

GUARD: Excuse me. Excuse me.

-Excuse me, please. -Hot dogs are not illegal.

Yeah, sorry, I wouldn't know anything about that, love,

but could you keep this ramp clear?

-Thank you. -Whose love is on trial, then?

I'm glad you asked.

OK, Margaret. Where are you?

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, hey, Krish. You alright?

I see the weirdo's still here.

There's actually quite an interesting story there, Anita.

Really? How interesting?

Um, well, what do you know about necrogamy?

What, has someone shagged a corpse?

No. Well, not yet.

Oh, hello. My name is Gemma Fitzgerald.

I'm wondering does a Margaret Cahill live there?

WOMAN OVER PHONE: No, not here. Sorry.

They say love never dies

and the people behind me are taking that quite literally.

They're part of a growing movement

supporting one woman's desire to marry her late fiance.

Hi. I'm Gemma Fitzgerald.

I'm looking for a Margaret Cahill.

DAVID KOCH: And now for an interesting story out of London,

where the #CorpseBride campaign

is dividing the nation.

We caught up with the manager

of the wedding venue.

Whether you're posthumous marrying

or pre-humous marrying,

we've got it all covered.

We do a Sunday roast on a Wednesday

'cause we don't give a damn.

ANITA: But not everyone is happy.

WOMAN: It's disgusting!

MAN: You have to admit, it's a bit warped.

I mean, what about sex?

This woman is condemning herself to a life of celibacy.

I was married for years before that happened.

He was marrying a wonderful woman.

He was a lucky man...

..until he died.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Love is hard to find, you know,

but what Nathan and Gemma had is real love.

That's why so many people support them.

We want to know what that feels like, to be loved like that.

(PROTESTERS CHEER)

Whoo!

Yeah!

Hello, my name is Gemma

and I'm looking for a Margaret Cahill

who used to be called Margaret Petraszewski.

Hello?

MARGARET OVER PHONE: Sorry. What do you want?

Um...

Is...is this... Is this Margaret?

Um, you had a son and a daughter called Nathan and Audrey

and, uh, I don't really know how to tell you this,

but, um, Nathan's passed away.

And I know this might sound kind of weird,

but we were gonna get married

and I still really want to,

but in order to do that,

I need the approval from the family

or the next of kin,

and, erm, that's you.

Er, sorry. Are you still there?

MARGARET: Don't call here again.

Oh...oh, Margaret, please don't hang up.

-Please, please. -(LINE BEEPS)

Oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit!

Oh.

Oh, my God.

(DOORS SLAM)

We are trending so hard right now.

#CorpseBride has over 226,000 followers.

We grew, like, 19,000 followers since this morning.

That's, like, a 17% increase.

Wow, it sounds like you just made that number up.

Maybe, but people all over the world -

Nairobi, Ecuador, Fiji, Helsinki -

are talking about you and Nathan.

I am bringing people together inspired by love and goodwill.

I'm like Bono, but not cringe.

(SIGHS)

I found her. Your mam.

I mean, she hung up on me, but it's her. She's in Oregon.

Gemma, we don't need her.

Audrey, the law doesn't care about likes on Twitter.

I know your heart's in the right place, but I have a car coming.

I'm supposed to get married in three days

and I don't really have time to pretend

that one of your schemes is gonna work.

OK.

What are you doing?

You didn't seriously think

you were gonna go see my mom without me?

(WISTFUL ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)

(EXHALES)

Uh, I think I might just hang here.

But you came all this way.

I can't see her and not, you know... (GRUNTS)

-You sure? -You go ahead.

-Are you sure? -Yeah.

(OWL HOOTS IN DISTANCE)

(SIGHS) God.

Don't do this.

Yeah?

Margaret. Hi. Er...

I'm Gemma. We spoke on the phone.

And, er, this is Audrey.

Is she with the dad?

Er, no, it's a surrogacy, actually.

Does she have her own kids?

That's smart. How much is she getting?

-(CHUCKLES) I don't know. -Why not?

Maybe if you invited her in, she could...

She'd be in here if she wanted to be.

Oh, erm, sorry.

Er, this is Nathan.

He looks just like my father.

Wow.

Do you have any childhood photos of Nathan?

-I've never seen any. -No.

Are you waiting for some kind of big explanation?

No. No, I...I, er, don't expect you to explain anything.

There is no reason.

I just was not cut out to be a wife and a mom.

No judgement here.

Well, that's BS.

Everybody judges.

It's just you and him and the kids screaming

and "How are we gonna pay for this new drywall?"

There is no happy ever after.

You know, I actually didn't think

I was cut out for it either,

but then Nathan believed so much in happily ever after

that sometimes I could just imagine...

(SCOFFS)

The boy was smart, but he never had any sense.

(SIGHS)

I don't think that's true.

What do you want from me?

Well, it's like I said on the phone.

I can't marry Nathan without his family's permission

or his next of kin, and that's you.

So, you want me to sign some paper

that says you can be my dead son's wife?

Yes, I...I...I know it sounds...strange.

Look, I know you've come a long way

and I have tried to be polite,

but I don't know you...

Oh, Margaret, please.

..and I don't know that man

and all of this, if you'll excuse my French,

smells like horseshit, so if you don't mind,

I think you should leave.

-Oh, Margaret, please. Please. -Get out.

Oh, no, you owe him, though. You owe him, Margaret.

You...you hurt your kids so much,

but I actually think that you might be hurting

because you missed out.

They turned out great

and you would be so lucky to have them in your life.

So, please, just do this one thing.

(EXHALES)

You know what I think? You're right. We don't need her.

Come on.

GEMMA: Are you OK?

I'm fine.

GEMMA: As someone well practised

in the art of passive-aggression,

I know that when someone says they're fine,

it means they are not fine.

Nothing's wrong.

(GEMMA CHUCKLES)

"Nothing's wrong." That's worse.

That means something's definitely wrong.

And if someone, God forbid, says,

"Well, what do you think is wrong?"

that's how you know you're gonna spend the night

getting your arse handed to you.

(IRISH ACCENT) "Well, what do you think is wrong?"

(BOTH LAUGH)

Brat.

Ow!

(JAZZY MUSIC)

(LEAVES RUSTLE)

(FLAME HISSES)

Oh, my God.

-Whoo! -Oh, no! (LAUGHS)

I told Ruth that I didn't want a hen party.

I'm not even wearing the right clothes!

Yeah, she knows that.

She's organised me a hen party, hasn't she?

-And a stripper. -(GASPS) No, stop it!

-Yeah. -(LAUGHS)

'Bjorn Bigg'. More like Bjorn Average, mate.

(LAUGHS)

OK.

-Ah. -Hi.

(SINGSONGS) Hello!

-Hi, Gem. -Gemma, Gemma, Gemma, Gemma.

-Hi, Gem. How are you? Sit down. -This is quite small. (CHUCKLES)

(DOOR LOCKS)

Alright.

Gem? Gem, do you want a tea or something?

-Did you know? -No.

(STAMMERS) I would have n...

Thanks, Ruth.

OK, whatever you guys are planning,

please don't do this.

-Gem, we all love you. -Gem, why don't you sit down?

Er, no. You know what?

I'm not gonna sit down, Mo, because I'm leaving.

We just wanna get you some counselling or something.

-(DOORS RATTLE) -(LAUGHS) Oh, my God! Wow.

DEREK: We just wanna talk to you, Gemma.

Gemma, we just wanna talk to you.

Mam, can you give me the keys, please?

-Give me the keys. -Gemma!

-Give me the keys, Mam! -Stop it!

Now, Gemma, marriage is about building a future.

Yeah, no, tell me what it's about. You've got a great one.

There is no future with Nathan.

It's horrible, it's unfair, but Nathan isn't here anymore.

Yes, I'm well aware of that. Thank you, Mammy.

Well, you're not acting like it.

Am I not acting appropriately, Ruth?

Am I not following the protocols

outlined in 'Widow to Widow'?

It's unhealthy, this weird fixation on...

Oh, so, I'm weird now, am I?

Am I sort of off-kilter like my asymmetrical face?

You can't see past this now,

but you will fall in love with someone again.

Oh, my God!

You will build a future with him and you will have children.

Children! Oh, so, that's... There's the real agenda!

You want grandchildren and I am wasting my fertile years, Mammy.

No one's pressuring you to have children.

Yeah, OK.

Well, you haven't got all the time in the world.

Oh, so, I'm running out of time now, am I, Mammy?

Come on, then, Mo! Impregnate me!

Give me that seed!

-Gemma, what are you doing? -Gemma!

Please impregnate me as the nearest non-related male.

Gemma, stop it!

Give me your seed! Make Mammy happy!

Nathan wouldn't want you to throw your life away.

You do not know what Nathan would want.

How would she know what Nathan would want?

Listen, Lorraine, Gemma could stay at home all day,

take Nathan's name off the gas and the electric.

She'd still feel bloody awful!

-Thank you. -This is all your fault.

Making her think that this is romantic and honourable,

when actually it's horribly, horribly pointless.

I was just trying to help.

Audrey is the only one who gets it.

-Do you know what I get? -Go on, Ruth. Stick your oar in.

That you've been taken in by all of this -

the protest, the media,

going to America to distract yourself

because you never wanted to marry him in the first place.

(SOFTLY) Do you think I didn't love Nathan?

-I didn't say that. -Do you know what?

Fuck you, Ruth. Fuck all of you.

-Gem... -No, Nathan wanted a family.

He wanted a home.

He wanted something solid

and that's why I agreed to marry you.

That is why.

And...and that's what I was saying when I said

that I will always love you,

that I will never walk out on you.

That is the promise that I made.

Well, we are not gonna stand by and watch you hurt yourself.

(WHISPERS) Please, Daddy.

Give me the keys.

DEREK: Alright, love.

-(KEYS JANGLE) -(SOLEMN MUSIC)

(MO SIGHS)

There you go, Gem.

Well, that went well, didn't it?

It's gonna be OK.

I promise you, it's gonna be OK.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God, what are you doing? Are you joking?

I misunderstood. I thought you...

I'm marrying your brother tomorrow.

You're fucking insane.

Yeah, but that's what you like about me.

Oh, Audrey, this is not a joke.

Not everything's a bloody joke.

I'm just trying to make you laugh.

And...

Just we've gotten so close

and you get me in a way that no one else gets me and...

I don't know. My hormones.

What, you're blaming your pregnancy now?

God. Sorry, sir, can you stop the car, please?

Gemma, wait.

No, I... Oh, my God. I don't...

I actually don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Sir, can you please hurry up and pull over?

Do you know what? Actually, everyone is right about you.

You're fuckin' nuts, but I'm worse

because I've been the one listening to you.

I just need you to stay away from me, Audrey.

-(INDICATOR TICKS) -(DOOR SLAMS)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(BIRDS CALL)

I don't know what I'm doing, Grizz.

Well, no one does.

I thought that maybe I was doing it for you,

that maybe I could show you.

Maybe it's just that I can't accept...

(EXHALES)

Am I crazy?

I can't answer that, boo bear. I'm dead.

(TENDER MUSIC)

# I got carried out to sea

# On a wave of hope

# My faith was strong

# My heart was filled

# With innocence and dreams

# Of what could be

# But sometimes dreams get shattered

# By the daylight streaming in

# And somewhere down the road

# We lost each other

# And somewhere down the line

# We lost ourselves

# And too much for us to face the storm... #

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

# Next thing, we're broken... #

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, Mrs Chen,

I didn't have a shower after 9:30, I swear.

I can see that, dear.

This came yesterday.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(PHONE RINGS)

Babe, look, I am... I am so, so...

GEMMA OVER PHONE: Ruth, just listen to me.

The wedding's back on and, yes, before you say anything,

yes, I know I cancelled the wedding,

but I am cancelling the cancellation.

I got it - Nathan's mam's approval.

RUTH: But the ceremony's in less than two hours, Gem!

-There's no time! -Duly noted, Ruth.

All we have to do is get the Lord Chief Justice to...

Oh, my God, my eyebrows look like an actual yeti.

How did this happen? Audrey!

Oh, we have to find Audrey. We have to find Audrey.

She's already at the airport.

I got her the first alternate, the VA320 to Chicago.

I don't care! We have to get to the airport!

We have to find her!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Er, Ruth, I'll see you in a sec.

I, uh, couldn't get an Uber.

My rating's too low.

Where did you even stay last night?

Like I told you,

I'm very resourceful.

She saw you on television,

you know, with the media and the campaign and everything.

Your mam changed her mind because of you, Audrey.

(WISTFUL MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

Let's finish this for Nathan.

(TYRES SCREECH)

(LIVELY FUNKY MUSIC)

# Hotcake fresh out the oven

# Made just for you

# 200 degrees

-# Just like a hotcake -# Hotcake

-# Give me some lovin' -# Give me some lovin'

# Don't make me beg, baby... #

Move it, ladies. We've got a wedding to go to.

Whoo! Ruth, you are a babe!

Frank is missing out!

I know. Get in.

-(ENGINE REVS) -(GLOVE SQUEAKS)

-(ENGINE STOPS) -(CAR BEEPS)

Oh.

Oh, no.

(CAR BEEPS)

-Is that a quick fix? -Um...

Yes, it's on! It's on! It's on!

Erm, but...but wait, what's happened?

-I don't understand. -Tell Mo, erm, the rings.

-To bring the rings. -Ooh, sorry.

-Do you have the rings? -Yeah, I've got them.

What, do I need to be there now?

-I'm so sorry. -Yeah.

-Would you mind just... -Like, right now.

OK, erm, yeah, I'll see you there in a bit.

-(BELL DINGS) -It's my stop. Sorry, guys.

-Oh, mate. -Hang on a minute.

-We really... -Wait a minute.

Can you give the pins back, please?

(UPBEAT SOUL MUSIC)

Shit!

GEMMA: Come on! Put your back into it!

# I have a story of sorrow... #

GEMMA: Oh, my God. I'm gonna drop it. I'm gonna drop it.

-(GEMMA GROANS) -Come on!

GEMMA: I'm coming!

GEMMA: My dress is so big!

Oh! Sorry!

That's the Corpse Bride, that. Can I get a photo?

-Ruth, come on! -Oh, yep, yep.

# When will we meet again?

# When will we hold each other?

# Can't get you out of my head... #

-GEMMA: Sorry, mister! -Oh, I love the wig!

-It's very nice. -GEMMA: Come on!

# Oh, yeah! #

-(AUDREY GROANS) -Come here.

Oh, the machine!

Just drop the boxes there and come through.

OK.

(GROANS)

(SCANNER BEEPS)

Sorry. If you could just take off your shoes.

Oh.

Alright, children. Let's sit down.

-(SCANNER BEEPS) -GEMMA: Oh, come on!

Bloody stilts.

-Right. -(SCANNER BEEPS)

Oh, come on!

Fine. OK.

(SCANNER BEEPS)

RUTH: Oh!

OK.

(SCANNER BEEPS)

Oh, you've got to be... I don't bloody believe it!

-(SCANNER BEEPS) -RUTH: Fine.

Alright, fine.

Fine, fine.

Why are you looking away? Why are you looking away?

-It's just a body. Whoo! -(GASPS)

# Hotcake

# Fresh out the oven

# Made just for you

# 200 degrees

-# Just like a hotcake -# Hotcake

-# Give me some lovin' -# Give me some lovin'

# Don't make me beg, baby

# Baby, please

# Hotcake... #

-(SCANNER BEEPS) -Right.

It's OK. Just go through. You're fine.

-Yeah, am I? You sure? You sure? -Yes.

-Thanks, babes. Let's go. -# Hotcake... #

GEMMA: Come on, come on. Go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go!

-Hiya. Hiya. -# Hotcake... #

GEMMA: God! Who designs these things?

(PANTS)

What do you think you're doing?!

Nathan's mam gave us approval.

I want my wedding licence.

We are in a meeting.

-Love waits for no one. -Shut up, Alan!

You said I needed his family's approval. Well, I got it.

So, please just sign it.

Oh, hey, David.

Kevin.

Fine. So, she's given her approval.

-You can't expect me to just... -No!

I can't just...

No!

(STAMMERS)

You can't expect me...

Fine.

(GASPS)

-Love wins. -Yes! (LAUGHS)

You get your licence.

Thank you!

Oh! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh, thank you, Lord of Justice.

-Goodbye. -Where are you going?

This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened.

Mwah!

For the record, you are a babe.

That was a very sweet thing you just did.

Mm.

Maybe I'm just a big old romantic.

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# Bring it back

# Bring your lovin'... #

-(COUGHS) -You OK?

Let me take that.

-Do you want me to take that? -Yeah.

# You make me feel like a good woman should... #

GEMMA: You got this.

# I'm a sad soul sister... #

(GEMMA GROANS) Oh, my God.

# Bring your lovin' back to me... #

My arms. Oh, my arms.

# Yeah, yeah

# Bring it back

# Sugar, bring it back... #

-(CHEERING) -(GEMMA STAMMERS)

Oh. What? Oh.

(CROWD ROARS)

-What is this? -I think it's for you.

-Thank you! -WOMAN: You make me sick!

-AUDREY: Hi! -WOMAN: Sick!

(PEOPLE BOO)

Oh, what, haven't you got anything better in your life?

-Shh, it's mostly nice. -You don't know my story!

AUDREY: Shh.

(SMOOTH MUSIC)

(SINGERS VOCALISE SOULFULLY)

# Standing now

# Calling all the people here to see the show

# Calling for my demons now to let me go... #

(GUESTS LAUGH)

# I need something

# Give me something wonderful

# I believe

# She won't take me somewhere I'm not supposed to be

# You can't steal the things that God has given me

# I can see a place of trouble

# And I'm on the verge

# For the love of everybody

# I need something more

# Now I feel some days of trouble

# I'm in the house of war... #

GEMMA: Where' s Mam?

Sorry.

(EXHALES)

(MUSIC FADES)

(BREATHS ECHO)

(MUFFLED SPEECH)

(SOBS)

Oh, no.

(BREATHS ECHO)

(MUFFLED) I'm sorry.

(SOBS) I'm so sorry.

(MUFFLED SOBBING)

Daddy.

(GEMMA WEEPS)

(SOBS) I should have told him every day

how much he meant to me

and I never told him.

I never told him.

(SOFTLY) Hey, you. Hey, you.

(SOBS) He thought I was marrying him because he chose me,

but I chose him.

I chose him every day.

(GEMMA SOBS)

(RUTH GASPS)

Oh, Mam.

(LORRAINE SOBS) Shush, shush.

-Come on. -I'm sorry.

No. Let's go. Come on.

Come on.

I've got you.

This is how she needs to say goodbye.

Alright?

(KISSES)

-OK? -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Yeah!

(LIGHT MUSIC)

# It's the way that you walk in the room

# Your heart is a beacon

# Don't need a reason... #

You OK?

# It's easy to do... #

Please be seated.

# I'm lost in your smile

# It's been a while... #

Welcome, everyone,

to the wedding of Gemma and Nathan.

None of us have ever been to a wedding quite like this.

Gemma, do you take Nathan to be your lawful wedded husband,

to be loving, faithful and loyal to him?

# Who knows what time is gonna do? #

I do.

# I like watching the days go by with you... #

This ring is an unbroken circle

symbolising unending and everlasting love.

(SOBS)

# Who knows what time is gonna do?

# All I know is a simple truth

# I like watching the days go by

# I like watching the days go by

# I like watching the days go by with you... #

(SWEET INSTRUMENTAL POP MUSIC)

-I am very happy to pronounce... -(LAUGHS)

..Nathan and Gemma husband and wife.

(LAUGHS, WEEPS)

-(GUESTS CHEER) -Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

(DYLAN WHOOPS)

(LIVELY LATIN JAZZ MUSIC)

-MO: One... -GUESTS: One...

-MO: ..two... -GUESTS: ..two...

-MO: ..three... -GUESTS: ..three...

Wahey! No, no, no, no, no. Let's leave Nathan. (LAUGHS)

(GUESTS CHEER)

GUESTS: Three.

(GUESTS EXCLAIM)

(EXCLAIMS INDISTINCTLY)

-# Cha cha cha! # -(LATIN JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)

Hello.

Erm, er, well, welcome to...

(LAUGHS) ..what... whatever this is.

(GUESTS CHUCKLE)

You know, Nathan wanted us to write our own vows,

which I think was because he wanted me to just once

hear how I truly felt.

Erm, so, er...

God. (CHUCKLES)

Erm... Oh, my God.

(GUESTS CHUCKLE)

Aha.

I was sleeping and right in the middle of a good dream

And all at once, I wake up

From something that keeps knocking at my brain

Before I go insane

I hold my pillow to my head

And spring up in my bed

Screaming out the words I dread.

(PLAYS PIANO NOTE)

(SINGS) # I think I love you

# I think I love you

# I think I love you

# So what am I so afraid of?

# I'm afraid that I'm unsure of

# A love that there's no cure for... #

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

(SINGS) # I think I love you... #

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH SING) # Isn't that what life is made of?

# Though it worries me to say

# I've never felt this way... #

(GEMMA LAUGHS)

The father of the bride, ladies and gentlemen. (LAUGHS)

Aww.

(BOTH SING) # I don't know what I'm up against

# I don't know what it's all about

(AUDREY AND LORRAINE SING) # I got so much to think about

# Hey, I think I love you

# So what am I so afraid of?

# I'm afraid that I'm not sure of

# A love there is no cure for... #

(GEMMA LAUGHS)

I'm pushing the beds together tonight.

GUESTS: # I think I love you

# Isn't that what life is made of? #

MAN ON VIDEO: Oh, my God, Audrey! Check it out!

We set up the nursery! Isn't it cute?!

Please RSVP for the baby shower. Goodbye!

(PHONE WHOOSHES)

# I think I love you

# Isn't that what life is made of?

# Though it worries me to say

# I never felt this way

# Believe me, you really don't have to worry

# I only wanna make you happy

# And if you say, "Hey, go away," I will... #

I'm not weirded-out that you peed on strangers.

Mm.

But you should know...

..I really like strong women.

Mm.

I'm ferocious.

-(DYLAN PURRS) -(RUTH GIGGLES)

(DYLAN CHUCKLES)

RUTH: Mm.

DYLAN: Mmm!

# But I think better still

# I'd better stay around and love you

# Do you think I have a case?

# Let me ask you to your face

# Do you think you love me?

# I think I love you

# I think I love you I think I love you

# I think I love you

# I think I love you I think I love you

# I think I love you

# I think I love you I think I love you

# I think I love you

# I think I love you I think I love you

# I think I love you. #

(BOTH LAUGH)

-Photo time. Gemma and...? -Oh, um, Audrey.

She's, er, my sister.

Come here. Oh, no, prom photo.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(GROANS)

(POIGNANT PIANO INTRO)

# Some say love

# It is a river

# That drowns

# The tender reed

# I say love

# It is a flower

# And you

# Its only seed

# When the night

# Has been too lonely

# And the road

# Has been too long

# And you think

# That love is only

# For the lucky

# And the strong

# Just remember

# In the winter

# Far beneath

# The bitter snows

# Lies the seed

# That with the sun's love

# In the spring

# Becomes the rose. #

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

-(GRUNTS) -(GUESTS GASP)

(GRUNTS)

(SHRIEKS)

(SHRIEKS)

(PANTS)

MAN: Alright, mate?

TIM: Never google the answers.

(SOLEMN INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)