Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:20,946 --> 00:00:23,385
Hello, hello! Hello, everybody!
2
00:00:24,106 --> 00:00:26,026
Hello and welcome...
3
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,385
Hello and welcome to a sea
of disappointed faces,
4
00:00:30,385 --> 00:00:33,745
as these people have driven
all the way down here today,
5
00:00:33,745 --> 00:00:37,746
only to find that the show isn't
actually coming from here today.
6
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:40,746
No, it is in fact coming
from 6,000 miles away,
7
00:00:40,746 --> 00:00:43,425
here, in Vietnam.
8
00:00:43,425 --> 00:00:46,065
Yes, we were told to meet
in the centre of Saigon,
9
00:00:46,065 --> 00:00:47,865
and await further instructions.
10
00:00:47,865 --> 00:00:50,306
So, sit back, enjoy the ride.
11
00:00:53,122 --> 00:00:57,283
'We arrived in Saigon and got
straight down to business.'
12
00:00:57,283 --> 00:00:59,362
No! Mel...
13
00:00:59,362 --> 00:01:01,442
That was Mel Gibson!
14
00:01:01,442 --> 00:01:03,162
Mel Gibson
is We Were Soldiers.
15
00:01:03,162 --> 00:01:06,123
You're thinking of Hamburger Hill...
Since we left...
16
00:01:06,123 --> 00:01:11,283
He sticks the knife... Yes, and
Private Pyle was Full Metal Jacket
which was shot in the Docklands.
17
00:01:11,283 --> 00:01:14,323
Will you stop going on about
what I imagine are war films?!
18
00:01:14,323 --> 00:01:16,122
Ah! Challenge! Hello. Thank you.
19
00:01:16,122 --> 00:01:22,402
Er... "Since you can buy Rolexes here
for a fiver and lunch for 50p,
20
00:01:22,402 --> 00:01:25,203
"you're standing in the world's
biggest pound shop.
21
00:01:25,203 --> 00:01:31,603
"You should therefore have no
trouble at all buying some wheels
for 15 million dong."
22
00:01:31,603 --> 00:01:33,483
15 million?!
23
00:01:33,483 --> 00:01:35,283
Are these full of money?
24
00:01:36,523 --> 00:01:38,722
Wow!
25
00:01:38,722 --> 00:01:41,362
Look at that! 15 million dong.
26
00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:43,762
I love the smell of money
in the morning.
27
00:01:43,762 --> 00:01:45,802
Smells like wheels!
28
00:01:50,763 --> 00:01:55,123
'Delighted that for once,
the producers had been generous,
we headed for the showrooms.'
29
00:01:55,123 --> 00:01:58,203
I love having inches of money!
30
00:01:58,203 --> 00:02:02,163
'But our joy was short-lived,
as James discovered,
31
00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:05,602
'when he tried to buy
a bog-standard Fiat 500.'
32
00:02:05,602 --> 00:02:07,083
Can you tell me how much?
33
00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:09,282
Um, 500...
34
00:02:09,282 --> 00:02:12,282
560 million Vietnam dong.
35
00:02:12,282 --> 00:02:15,202
560 million?! Yeah.
36
00:02:17,562 --> 00:02:21,082
How much is 15 million dong?
37
00:02:21,082 --> 00:02:23,722
Um, just about 1,000 US dollar.
38
00:02:26,722 --> 00:02:30,603
'Even the back-street car dealers
were no good.'
39
00:02:30,603 --> 00:02:32,763
Is it enough? For what?
40
00:02:32,763 --> 00:02:33,843
For a car?
41
00:02:35,802 --> 00:02:37,563
For the car? Yeah.
42
00:02:37,563 --> 00:02:40,762
What happen with the car?
You want to... To buy.
43
00:02:40,762 --> 00:02:42,682
To buy the car?!
44
00:02:42,682 --> 00:02:44,842
Yeah. Oh, I cannot.
45
00:02:46,443 --> 00:02:50,083
'Jeremy, meanwhile,
had become desperate.'
46
00:02:51,243 --> 00:02:55,282
Would you sell me your car?
Can I buy your car?'
47
00:02:55,282 --> 00:02:58,963
Sell me your car! Please!
48
00:03:03,123 --> 00:03:06,163
'And Hammond had given up
and gone for lunch.'
49
00:03:06,163 --> 00:03:08,482
Nothing.
50
00:03:08,482 --> 00:03:09,643
It is quite tricky.
51
00:03:09,643 --> 00:03:12,443
Pull up a chair, have a seat.
52
00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:15,202
What?! They're not very big.
53
00:03:15,202 --> 00:03:18,283
No! I've said to you all along,
you two are the freaks.
54
00:03:18,283 --> 00:03:20,763
This place
is perfectly scaled. I love it.
55
00:03:20,763 --> 00:03:23,403
'But Hammond's joy
at fitting in the chairs
56
00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:25,803
'wasn't going to
get us out of our hole.'
57
00:03:25,803 --> 00:03:30,963
I'll tell you the problem. Cars only
came to Vietnam a few years ago, OK?
58
00:03:30,963 --> 00:03:34,923
Four or five years ago. They've got
a 200% import tax on them.
59
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:39,763
They haven't had time, in the
four or five years since they've
been here, to get cheap.
60
00:03:39,763 --> 00:03:40,882
There are no bangers.
61
00:03:42,058 --> 00:03:45,538
Everything's expensive
and we're actually quite poor.
62
00:03:45,538 --> 00:03:49,618
'It did look like we'd come
a long way for nothing,
63
00:03:49,618 --> 00:03:53,058
'but then James and I had an idea.'
64
00:04:00,538 --> 00:04:02,019
No.
65
00:04:02,019 --> 00:04:04,099
Go on. No.
66
00:04:04,099 --> 00:04:07,018
Look around us. What do we see
everywhere? No, I can't.
67
00:04:07,018 --> 00:04:08,338
You know I can't do that.
68
00:04:08,338 --> 00:04:09,939
What else is there?
69
00:04:10,419 --> 00:04:12,499
I bet you can get a bike for that.
70
00:04:12,499 --> 00:04:15,859
I bet you can get a lump
of excrement for that as well.
71
00:04:15,859 --> 00:04:19,978
It doesn't mean... It's transport
with an engine. It's the only choice.
Come on.
72
00:04:19,978 --> 00:04:21,859
No. Look, that's all we've got.
73
00:04:23,899 --> 00:04:26,218
Bikes.
74
00:04:27,859 --> 00:04:31,258
'James and I did have a point.
75
00:04:31,258 --> 00:04:38,818
'Because cars are so expensive
in Vietnam,
76
00:04:38,818 --> 00:04:44,218
'They're used for everything.
If you don't have a bike here,
you're a nobody.'
77
00:04:46,699 --> 00:04:49,858
'So we took the plunge as well,
and an hour later,
78
00:04:49,858 --> 00:04:54,698
'met up at the American War Museum
with our cheap-as-chips wheels.'
79
00:04:58,058 --> 00:05:00,219
I bought this. It's a Minsk.
80
00:05:00,219 --> 00:05:04,539
Russian, 125cc, and it's
basically the AK47 of bikes -
81
00:05:04,539 --> 00:05:06,659
rugged, simple, easy to repair.
82
00:05:06,659 --> 00:05:10,698
It is built specifically
to be used in countries
where there are no roads.
83
00:05:10,698 --> 00:05:13,459
It will be - for whatever
they throw at us - perfect.
84
00:05:15,459 --> 00:05:18,139
I've gone completely native
and I've bought this.
85
00:05:18,139 --> 00:05:20,499
It's an an ancient
Honda 50 Super Cub -
86
00:05:20,499 --> 00:05:22,939
the greatest motorcycle in history.
87
00:05:22,939 --> 00:05:25,698
Over 60 million of those
have been built,
88
00:05:25,698 --> 00:05:29,019
and it is a greater liberator
of the people than...
89
00:05:29,019 --> 00:05:32,259
well, that American tank,
for example.
90
00:05:32,259 --> 00:05:37,578
I've bought this, which is, um...
a motorcycle.
91
00:05:37,578 --> 00:05:39,219
This is a scooter. It is.
92
00:05:39,219 --> 00:05:42,898
Don't let go now. It'll fall over.
No. It's got a thing called a stand.
93
00:05:42,898 --> 00:05:46,058
You really don't know anything
about bikes, do you? Nothing.
94
00:05:46,058 --> 00:05:48,579
I tell you what,
it is actually very pretty.
95
00:05:48,579 --> 00:05:51,939
But it's gonna be useless,
because whatever the challenge is,
96
00:05:51,939 --> 00:05:56,338
tiny wheels and looking good won't
help you. Why are tiny wheels wrong?
97
00:05:56,338 --> 00:05:58,819
Little wheels go further
into the holes. What holes?
98
00:05:58,819 --> 00:06:00,219
The holes in the road.
99
00:06:00,219 --> 00:06:03,219
You'll be all over the place!
100
00:06:04,539 --> 00:06:06,459
How many cylinders has it got?
101
00:06:06,459 --> 00:06:09,219
JAMES AND RICHARD: One.
One?! It's two-stroke.
102
00:06:09,219 --> 00:06:11,739
'It was time
for the main challenge.'
103
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:14,498
I promise you,
I'm not interested in this.
104
00:06:14,498 --> 00:06:19,579
"You'll now attempt to achieve
in eight days what the Americans
failed to achieve in ten years.
105
00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:23,139
"Get from the south
of Vietnam to the north.
106
00:06:23,139 --> 00:06:26,779
"You will ride from here in Saigon
to Ha Long City,
107
00:06:26,779 --> 00:06:30,099
"near the Chinese border,
which is 1,000 miles away."
108
00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:33,898
That is excellent! Wow! That's
the best challenge we've ever had.
109
00:06:33,898 --> 00:06:37,539
I'm going! Get his bike started.
Honestly, that is fantastic.
110
00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:41,659
I can't do that.
I just...can't do that.
111
00:06:41,659 --> 00:06:44,138
I can't do...
112
00:06:44,138 --> 00:06:46,538
Guys, I can't do that.
113
00:06:46,538 --> 00:06:48,019
I can't ride a bike.
114
00:06:48,019 --> 00:06:50,458
Ridiculous.
I'm sorry, this is stupid.
115
00:06:50,458 --> 00:06:54,538
I'm not joking. I don't know who
came up with this, but it's daft.
116
00:06:54,538 --> 00:06:57,058
I'm more excited
than anything we've ever done.
117
00:06:57,058 --> 00:06:59,458
I can't believe you're being
a misery-guts.
118
00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:02,619
It's 1,000 miles in the rainy
season! That's the best thing!
119
00:07:02,619 --> 00:07:06,339
1,000 miles, in the rainy season, in
a country with not very good roads,
120
00:07:06,339 --> 00:07:08,419
and I can't ride a bike!
121
00:07:09,499 --> 00:07:13,059
'There was good reason
for my despair.
122
00:07:13,059 --> 00:07:19,179
'The cities in Vietnam
are a seething cauldron
of barely organised chaos.
123
00:07:19,179 --> 00:07:21,819
'They're a death trap
for the inexperienced.
124
00:07:22,819 --> 00:07:25,858
'And in the countryside,
there's even more peril.
125
00:07:25,858 --> 00:07:29,659
'Four times more people here die
on the roads than in Britain.
126
00:07:30,939 --> 00:07:38,019
'I honestly believed that at some
point on our long and torturous
route, one of us would be killed.
127
00:07:38,019 --> 00:07:42,218
'Probably wouldn't be Hammond,
though, because unlike us two,
128
00:07:42,218 --> 00:07:45,658
'he at least could get
a helmet which fitted.'
129
00:07:45,658 --> 00:07:49,579
The reason I don't ride a motorcycle
is because I have a large brain.
130
00:07:49,579 --> 00:07:54,139
No, you have a big head. The reason
why...crash helmets are small
131
00:07:54,139 --> 00:07:57,819
is because people who wear
them haven't got a brain.
132
00:07:57,819 --> 00:08:00,018
Otherwise they'd have a car.
133
00:08:00,018 --> 00:08:04,138
'Since we were due to set off the
following morning,
134
00:08:04,138 --> 00:08:07,059
'Jeremy and I
had to get helmets made...
135
00:08:07,059 --> 00:08:08,818
'in a back-street metal shop.'
136
00:08:10,498 --> 00:08:14,419
WELDING TORCHES BUZZ AND POP
137
00:08:14,419 --> 00:08:19,539
OK...
THEY ATTEMPT TO SPEAK VIETNAMESE
138
00:08:21,538 --> 00:08:25,459
'With our orders placed,
Richard and I fettled our bikes,
139
00:08:25,459 --> 00:08:27,099
'and Jeremy hit the bar.'
140
00:08:33,418 --> 00:08:35,498
MUSIC: "The End" by the Doors.
141
00:08:35,498 --> 00:08:38,578
'Departure day, and immediately,
there was a problem
142
00:08:38,578 --> 00:08:43,699
'because in the workshop the night
before, my Vietnamese hadn't been
as fluent as I'd thought.'
143
00:08:51,658 --> 00:08:56,458
Where did all those come from? These?
I can't really turn my head, so...
144
00:08:56,458 --> 00:08:58,899
You're not excited, are you? No.
145
00:08:58,899 --> 00:09:02,979
This is great, I'm very excited. It's
the beginning of an epic adventure.
146
00:09:02,979 --> 00:09:04,018
ENGINE REVS
147
00:09:04,018 --> 00:09:05,578
Are you off then?
148
00:09:05,578 --> 00:09:07,899
Yep. This is it? Yep.
149
00:09:07,899 --> 00:09:09,859
1,000 miles? Yeah!
150
00:09:10,619 --> 00:09:13,699
ENGINES REV
Right then! Three, two...
151
00:09:13,699 --> 00:09:20,898
one, we're off!
152
00:09:27,538 --> 00:09:31,539
'If we were to reach our overnight
stop in the mountain town of Da Lat,
153
00:09:31,539 --> 00:09:33,819
'we had to get cracking,
154
00:09:33,819 --> 00:09:36,658
'which is why James
immediately shed some weight.'
155
00:09:37,819 --> 00:09:40,579
I've had to ditch my wok!
156
00:09:40,579 --> 00:09:43,378
MEN CHATTER IN VIETNAMESE
157
00:09:45,178 --> 00:09:46,179
ENGINE FIRES
158
00:09:46,179 --> 00:09:47,379
Oh.
159
00:09:48,178 --> 00:09:50,378
ENGINE REVS, THEN STALLS
160
00:09:53,379 --> 00:09:54,978
Stupid thing!
161
00:09:55,498 --> 00:09:59,978
'Meanwhile, James and I were having
a ball in the madness of it all.'
162
00:09:59,978 --> 00:10:02,419
Whoa! This is such a melee.
163
00:10:02,419 --> 00:10:07,779
I've been riding bikes for 25 years
and I've never done anything like
this. I think just improvise.
164
00:10:07,779 --> 00:10:09,898
It's amazing. It just sort of works!
165
00:10:09,898 --> 00:10:11,698
Do you know how to start it? No.
166
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:13,218
All right, get on.
167
00:10:13,218 --> 00:10:17,338
Well some Vietnamese people came and
they just trod on it and it started.
168
00:10:17,338 --> 00:10:20,578
Oi! Whoa, wrong side of the road!
169
00:10:21,259 --> 00:10:23,658
One, neutral, two, three, four.
170
00:10:23,658 --> 00:10:24,738
ENGINE IDLES
171
00:10:24,738 --> 00:10:26,259
There you go.
172
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:28,618
There you go...
173
00:10:28,618 --> 00:10:29,779
ENGINE STALLS
174
00:10:31,618 --> 00:10:33,139
You're getting it!
175
00:10:33,139 --> 00:10:36,699
Yep, it's only been an hour,
and I've done, well...three feet.
176
00:10:39,219 --> 00:10:40,419
That was a dog!
177
00:10:40,419 --> 00:10:42,179
How does that work?
178
00:10:43,178 --> 00:10:45,979
A bit more acceleration.
179
00:10:56,179 --> 00:10:58,018
Oh BLEEP, he's going to die!
180
00:11:01,939 --> 00:11:05,219
'We were now on the outskirts
of Saigon.'
181
00:11:07,258 --> 00:11:09,459
I'm glad we couldn't afford cars.
182
00:11:09,459 --> 00:11:10,939
This is better.
183
00:11:16,819 --> 00:11:20,098
Er...that's one. No, there we go.
184
00:11:20,098 --> 00:11:21,339
Yes, that's a gear.
185
00:11:21,339 --> 00:11:26,818
'A passing banker had sold his
helmet, which meant I was now
completely safe(!)'
186
00:11:26,818 --> 00:11:27,778
Sorry!
187
00:11:27,778 --> 00:11:30,099
Oh, BLEEP!
188
00:11:30,099 --> 00:11:32,379
Are we going down there?
Where are we going?!
189
00:11:35,938 --> 00:11:37,418
Argh!
190
00:11:37,418 --> 00:11:40,779
HORNS BEEP
191
00:11:42,538 --> 00:11:46,299
Is this your favourite place in
the whole world now? Yeah. And mine.
192
00:11:46,299 --> 00:11:50,299
This is terrifying. It's just bikes
absolutely everywhere.
193
00:11:50,299 --> 00:11:53,779
Oh my God, there's one stalled
in front of me.
194
00:11:55,979 --> 00:11:59,218
Best motorbike I've ever had.
195
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:02,379
'This is the ONLY motorbike
I'd ever had
196
00:12:02,379 --> 00:12:03,978
'and it was undriveable.'
197
00:12:03,978 --> 00:12:08,818
Oh, get into gear, for God's sakes!
Stupid thing!
198
00:12:08,818 --> 00:12:14,818
Gear box has a mind of its own,
there's no suspension,
it just wobbles!
199
00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:17,419
It's just wobbling all the time!
200
00:12:17,419 --> 00:12:19,939
You're going the wrong way!
201
00:12:22,978 --> 00:12:24,739
ENGINE WHINES
202
00:12:26,619 --> 00:12:30,579
'Eventually, though, I caught up
with Barry Sheen and his boyfriend.'
203
00:12:31,178 --> 00:12:32,419
Ah!
204
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:37,898
Thanks for waiting, mate(!) Well I
thought, "Jeremy always waits for
me, so I'll not wait for him."
205
00:12:37,898 --> 00:12:41,779
I thought you were just behind us.
You knew damn well I wasn't!
206
00:12:41,779 --> 00:12:46,379
'And then I discovered why my bike
was so undriveable.'
207
00:12:46,858 --> 00:12:52,819
That nut is as tight as it will go
and that is...loose.
208
00:12:52,819 --> 00:12:56,938
'The drive shaft was knackered,
which, on a Vespa, is bad news.'
209
00:12:56,938 --> 00:12:59,818
We're going to have to
change the whole engine.
210
00:12:59,818 --> 00:13:05,139
While we're doing that, the front
brakes are now being adjusted so
that they...work.
211
00:13:05,139 --> 00:13:09,418
'Still, at least my mates wouldn't
leave me behind this time...'
212
00:13:13,858 --> 00:13:17,219
Oh no, what if we have to finish the
whole journey without him?!
213
00:13:17,219 --> 00:13:19,778
Oh! Oh!
214
00:13:19,778 --> 00:13:23,499
'Unsurprisingly,
in such a "bikey" country,
215
00:13:23,499 --> 00:13:28,339
'a new engine was found in minutes,
and so I rolled up my sleeves
216
00:13:28,339 --> 00:13:29,938
'and had some lunch.'
217
00:13:32,059 --> 00:13:33,778
You look at this and you think,
218
00:13:33,778 --> 00:13:36,178
"What noise did this make
when it was alive?
219
00:13:36,178 --> 00:13:40,138
"Tweet, tweet, tweet,"
220
00:13:40,138 --> 00:13:41,859
or did it go, "Neigh"?
221
00:13:43,419 --> 00:13:47,218
I think it went, "Ruff! Ruff!"
222
00:13:47,218 --> 00:13:49,018
But it's delicious.
223
00:13:49,018 --> 00:13:55,658
Um, well I think this thing here
is a sort of squid thing with some
weird paste. Don't like squid.
224
00:13:55,658 --> 00:13:59,498
OK, well you can have crab with...
I don't like crab.
225
00:14:00,538 --> 00:14:01,698
Razor clams.
226
00:14:01,698 --> 00:14:03,138
I don't like clams.
227
00:14:03,138 --> 00:14:09,578
'By now, the workforce had swelled
considerably, and as a result,
I was soon on the move again.'
228
00:14:09,578 --> 00:14:12,418
OK, the wheel is no longer wobbling,
229
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:15,099
got a new engine, got a new gearbox,
230
00:14:15,099 --> 00:14:17,739
and it feels...exactly the same.
231
00:14:17,739 --> 00:14:19,498
Rubbish!
232
00:14:19,498 --> 00:14:20,739
Useless!
233
00:14:22,858 --> 00:14:26,218
'As James and I made smooth
progress toward De Lat,
234
00:14:26,218 --> 00:14:30,498
'we were reflecting on the pedigree
of our bargain basement bikes.'
235
00:14:32,499 --> 00:14:35,459
These bikes are quite a common sight
all over the world,
236
00:14:35,459 --> 00:14:41,299
and in certain places, they're
usually seen with members of the
Taliban on them, carrying AK-47s,
237
00:14:41,299 --> 00:14:43,498
and rocket launchers.
238
00:14:44,979 --> 00:14:47,539
This is the wheels of Asia.
239
00:14:47,539 --> 00:14:52,059
Over 60 million of these sold,
so if you combine the Beetle,
240
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:55,978
the Model T, all the versions
of the Toyota Corolla,
241
00:14:55,978 --> 00:15:00,499
and the Mini, you still haven't got
as many as you have of these.
242
00:15:02,698 --> 00:15:06,418
'40 miles back, I couldn't care less
about my bike's pedigree.'
243
00:15:07,419 --> 00:15:11,659
Work! Just work, for one minute!
244
00:15:14,779 --> 00:15:17,938
Further up the road,
things were getting hilly,
245
00:15:17,938 --> 00:15:20,138
which meant James was having problems
246
00:15:20,138 --> 00:15:23,218
with his Honda's miserable four
horse-power engine.
247
00:15:23,218 --> 00:15:24,499
LORRY BEEPS
248
00:15:24,499 --> 00:15:26,299
Faster!
249
00:15:26,299 --> 00:15:28,738
We can do it! Faster!
250
00:15:28,738 --> 00:15:31,138
Faster!
251
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:33,738
TRUCK'S ENGINE ROARS
252
00:15:35,218 --> 00:15:40,098
And here we are again.
It's a lovely evening here in
south-east Asia, as you can see,
253
00:15:40,098 --> 00:15:44,418
and I'd be enjoying it any means of
transport apart from the motorbike.
254
00:15:44,418 --> 00:15:47,539
If somebody said to me,
"Would you like to hop to Hanoi?"
255
00:15:47,539 --> 00:15:48,938
Yes, I would.
256
00:15:51,379 --> 00:15:55,659
'The last few miles to De Lat
were really steep.'
257
00:15:55,659 --> 00:15:59,899
Just admit it, you should have
bought a more powerful bike.
258
00:15:59,899 --> 00:16:02,619
No! I'm not admitting it yet.
259
00:16:02,619 --> 00:16:04,059
I'm still going.
260
00:16:04,059 --> 00:16:07,218
I'm gonna check it out,
see if it gets steeper.
261
00:16:07,218 --> 00:16:10,179
MUSIC: "Adagio For Strings"
by Samuel Barber
262
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:16,738
I'm just...coming to
a dignified failure.
263
00:16:16,738 --> 00:16:22,698
She's going...
She's going. She's going.
264
00:16:22,698 --> 00:16:24,298
That's it.
265
00:16:26,058 --> 00:16:27,898
I've run out of gears...
266
00:16:29,538 --> 00:16:31,178
I've run out of power.
267
00:16:31,178 --> 00:16:36,618
'Still, at least he hadn't put 15
Quadrophenia-style mirrors right in
front of his own head lamp.'
268
00:16:36,618 --> 00:16:39,178
God almighty, I'm riding along
269
00:16:39,178 --> 00:16:44,578
with the head light illuminating
nothing but my own face!
270
00:16:44,578 --> 00:16:47,578
'Our meeting point
was a restaurant in De Lat,
271
00:16:47,578 --> 00:16:52,219
'and James had worked up quite an
appetite by the time he got there.'
272
00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:53,538
HE PANTS
273
00:16:53,538 --> 00:16:59,539
Well, I went to check ahead if it
got any steeper. It did. I know.
274
00:16:59,539 --> 00:17:01,978
Where is he, do you reckon? Dunno.
275
00:17:03,459 --> 00:17:06,898
Do you think he's enjoying his first
biking experience.
276
00:17:06,898 --> 00:17:11,498
I am the most miserable
human being alive!
277
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,738
Where's this restaurant?!
278
00:17:13,738 --> 00:17:15,298
Where is it?!
279
00:17:15,298 --> 00:17:21,339
I quite like it here. I like the way
the roof's been made and the way the
sticks have been joined together.
280
00:17:25,659 --> 00:17:27,658
Whoa! Blimey!
281
00:17:27,658 --> 00:17:30,819
Mate, how are you? Congratulations.
282
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:33,499
Do you want a beer? Yes!
283
00:17:33,499 --> 00:17:35,739
We've drunk 'em,
but we'll get another.
284
00:17:35,739 --> 00:17:40,978
'Hammond was loving my misery, but I
got revenge by ordering Set Menu B.'
285
00:17:40,978 --> 00:17:43,099
JEREMY ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK VIETNAMESE
286
00:17:43,099 --> 00:17:45,418
What is "ran"?
287
00:17:45,418 --> 00:17:49,779
You haven't eaten anything since you
got here, have you?
You just haven't seen me.
288
00:17:49,779 --> 00:17:53,058
What have you eaten? Piles of stuff.
He had some cornflakes.
289
00:17:53,058 --> 00:17:55,579
I was trying them in case
they were different.
290
00:17:55,579 --> 00:17:59,739
I like to try local
cultures and flavours
and they may have been different!
291
00:17:59,739 --> 00:18:06,058
But I'd been eating a squid, soup,
clam, bamboo shoot arrangement before
you came in. I had!
292
00:18:06,058 --> 00:18:08,259
'Then our ran arrived!'
293
00:18:08,259 --> 00:18:10,939
Oh God, I don't like snake.
It's going to be delicious.
294
00:18:10,939 --> 00:18:12,699
If I told you it was chicken...
295
00:18:12,699 --> 00:18:16,059
We'll have chicken then!
Could I have it medium-rare?
296
00:18:16,059 --> 00:18:17,698
What, a medium-rare snake?!
297
00:18:17,698 --> 00:18:20,098
How would you have it?
Well done, I suppose!
298
00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:24,258
'Richard didn't go for the snake
salad. Or the snake soup.
299
00:18:24,258 --> 00:18:28,618
'And he really didn't go for the
still-beating snake heart.'
300
00:18:28,618 --> 00:18:31,498
No... Oh, I can't... I'm fine.
301
00:18:31,498 --> 00:18:35,098
I have sampled your world today...
Yep.
302
00:18:35,098 --> 00:18:39,058
Do you want vodka with snake blood
or vodka with snake bile?
303
00:18:39,058 --> 00:18:41,258
I don't need a vodka with snake...
304
00:18:41,258 --> 00:18:43,579
BOTH: Three, two, one...go.
305
00:18:45,459 --> 00:18:48,099
Woo!
306
00:18:48,099 --> 00:18:50,578
'James and I liked the snake vodka.
307
00:18:50,578 --> 00:18:53,179
'In fact, we liked it so much...'
308
00:18:53,179 --> 00:18:54,979
JEREMY AND JAMES: Three, two,
one...go.
309
00:18:54,979 --> 00:18:58,698
'But later, we may have made
mischief with Hammond's helmet.'
310
00:19:02,098 --> 00:19:04,059
Why?
311
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,538
Morning. Did YOU do this?
312
00:19:06,538 --> 00:19:08,578
Yes.
313
00:19:08,578 --> 00:19:11,139
We just wanted to make sure
it was strong enough.
314
00:19:11,139 --> 00:19:14,458
We were worried about you.
We were paralytically worried.
315
00:19:14,458 --> 00:19:15,739
I was blind worried.
316
00:19:15,739 --> 00:19:19,539
He was so worried on a couple of
occasions he fell over with worry.
How did you do it?
317
00:19:19,539 --> 00:19:23,419
We tested it under the wheels
of a lorry and look what happened.
318
00:19:23,419 --> 00:19:24,618
You tested it? Yes.
319
00:19:24,618 --> 00:19:27,138
So now that's... Ruined. Yes.
320
00:19:27,138 --> 00:19:28,699
Don't worry, though.
321
00:19:28,699 --> 00:19:32,859
We've just been out to town
and we've bought you another one.
322
00:19:34,058 --> 00:19:39,138
Don't take this the wrong way,
because colours assume different
significance... Stop talking.
323
00:19:39,138 --> 00:19:44,418
Seriously. In Britain, we think of
that as feminine... Stop moving your
face about with noises coming out.
324
00:19:44,418 --> 00:19:46,219
Here it's the colour of warriors.
325
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:51,058
He's not very happy with us.
He's not.
326
00:19:51,058 --> 00:19:54,659
'But at least he was happier
than me, because today,
327
00:19:54,659 --> 00:19:58,939
'I faced another 130 miles of rough
roads, endless breakdowns,
328
00:19:58,939 --> 00:20:01,459
'massive discomfort
and general peril.
329
00:20:01,459 --> 00:20:05,019
'Still, at least I'd been assured
it wouldn't rain.'
330
00:20:11,619 --> 00:20:14,058
Name an upside to this, mate!
331
00:20:14,058 --> 00:20:16,458
Name one upside!
332
00:20:16,458 --> 00:20:19,258
Well you're not hot any more,
are you?
333
00:20:19,258 --> 00:20:21,819
My light's dying. It's dying.
334
00:20:21,819 --> 00:20:23,259
My light's dying!
335
00:20:23,259 --> 00:20:25,378
'There was an upside though.
336
00:20:25,378 --> 00:20:30,418
'Richard's Taliban bike
had decided it liked the rain
even less than me.'
337
00:20:31,938 --> 00:20:33,898
Come on, now.
338
00:20:38,619 --> 00:20:40,579
That's not as effective as I'd hoped.
339
00:20:40,579 --> 00:20:42,499
Oh my God!
340
00:20:42,499 --> 00:20:46,338
What the hell
is going on in my life?!
341
00:20:46,338 --> 00:20:49,538
Why has my life gone so wrong?!
342
00:20:49,538 --> 00:20:52,098
It's good for you! It's not!
343
00:20:52,098 --> 00:20:54,418
It is! Stop whining.
344
00:20:54,418 --> 00:20:57,538
Hit that. Cheer me up -
kill yourself.
345
00:20:57,538 --> 00:21:01,098
# I'll take you anywhere
you want, girl
Ride my Honda tonight! #
346
00:21:01,098 --> 00:21:02,578
I hate you!
347
00:21:02,578 --> 00:21:05,218
# First gear, it's all right
348
00:21:05,218 --> 00:21:08,098
# Second gear, I'm all right
349
00:21:08,098 --> 00:21:10,858
# Third gear, hold on tight! #
350
00:21:10,858 --> 00:21:14,698
MUSIC: "Little Honda"
by the Beach Boys
351
00:21:14,698 --> 00:21:19,539
# It's not a big motorcycle
Just a groovy little motorbike... #
352
00:21:19,539 --> 00:21:26,259
'All I could hope was that Captain
Beach Boy would have a disaster
on these awful, flooded roads.
353
00:21:27,299 --> 00:21:28,659
Cock!
354
00:21:28,659 --> 00:21:33,259
This is a massive "Oh, cock!"
How can it have run out?
355
00:21:34,939 --> 00:21:39,018
That rain makes a really annoying
noise on my colander...helmet.
356
00:21:39,018 --> 00:21:41,898
And it comes through.
THUNDER CRASHES
357
00:21:43,419 --> 00:21:48,499
'On his much faster Minsk, Hammond
had passed his old mate James,
358
00:21:48,499 --> 00:21:51,898
'not stopped to help,
and caught up with me.'
359
00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:55,658
LAUGHTER
360
00:21:55,658 --> 00:21:57,379
Sorry! I've stopped!
361
00:21:58,978 --> 00:22:02,259
He's enjoying it!
362
00:22:02,259 --> 00:22:05,019
He is... He's enjoying it!
363
00:22:05,019 --> 00:22:06,178
He is.
364
00:22:06,178 --> 00:22:12,819
This nice man has stopped on an old
Russian motorcycle, and I think he's
going to give me some petrol.
365
00:22:12,819 --> 00:22:15,019
What a nice man.
366
00:22:15,019 --> 00:22:17,379
In fact, I think I'll pay him.
367
00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:21,298
My dong's going to be
all soggy, isn't it?
368
00:22:23,698 --> 00:22:30,379
'At a filling station further up the
road, Jeremy and I had pulled over,
because my clutch cable had snapped.'
369
00:22:31,498 --> 00:22:34,138
You see, my clutch should be there,
and it isn't.
370
00:22:35,458 --> 00:22:38,578
'This became a big problem
for all of us.'
371
00:22:38,578 --> 00:22:41,419
James! May, there's bad news.
372
00:22:41,419 --> 00:22:46,618
What? The producers have got fed up
with us just replacing parts
willy-nilly on our bikes.
373
00:22:46,618 --> 00:22:51,058
You two, you mean?
Yes. His clutch cable went. He went
and bought one from in there.
374
00:22:51,058 --> 00:22:55,419
Yeah. So, they say that
if our bikes go wrong again,
375
00:22:55,419 --> 00:22:58,978
we can't just keep them
going with tools,
376
00:22:58,978 --> 00:23:01,819
they've provided back-up transport.
Excellent.
377
00:23:01,819 --> 00:23:04,419
'Excellent turned out
to be the wrong word.'
378
00:23:04,419 --> 00:23:07,378
Ooh! Oh my God!
379
00:23:07,378 --> 00:23:09,658
Oh...
380
00:23:09,658 --> 00:23:12,458
Oh yes, that is a bit...
Oh God, I don't think so.
381
00:23:12,458 --> 00:23:14,098
It's slightly conspicuous.
382
00:23:16,419 --> 00:23:20,578
TINNY MUSIC PLAYS
That's "Born In The USA", evidently.
383
00:23:20,578 --> 00:23:24,379
THUNDER RUMBLES
That's thunder! And the village.
384
00:23:24,379 --> 00:23:28,219
Have you noticed, there was a rumble
of thunder, and the village arrived.
385
00:23:28,219 --> 00:23:29,419
I... C...
386
00:23:29,419 --> 00:23:31,899
Children, if you're
watching this at home
387
00:23:31,899 --> 00:23:34,659
and you don't know
why this is inappropriate,
388
00:23:34,659 --> 00:23:36,099
ask your parents.
389
00:23:36,099 --> 00:23:39,338
as inappropriate a bike
390
00:23:39,338 --> 00:23:42,379
as it's humanly possible
to conceive.
391
00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:45,379
MUSIC: "Paint It Black"
by the Rolling Stones
392
00:23:53,619 --> 00:23:57,538
'Amazingly, all our bikes
suddenly worked perfectly.'
393
00:23:57,538 --> 00:24:02,859
# I see a red door
and I want it painted black
394
00:24:02,859 --> 00:24:08,818
# No colours any more
I want them to turn black... #
395
00:24:08,818 --> 00:24:11,018
'However, getting to Nha Trang
396
00:24:11,018 --> 00:24:14,339
'meant crossing
more spectacular mountains,
397
00:24:14,339 --> 00:24:17,058
'which meant more bad news
for James.'
398
00:24:17,058 --> 00:24:20,898
I might even get third gear.
Wait for it.
399
00:24:20,898 --> 00:24:21,979
Here it comes!
400
00:24:21,979 --> 00:24:23,818
REVS FADE
401
00:24:23,818 --> 00:24:26,698
Yes! No!
402
00:24:26,698 --> 00:24:30,459
I am Francis Rossi!
403
00:24:32,778 --> 00:24:36,219
This is staggeringly good.
We are in the clouds.
404
00:24:49,618 --> 00:24:53,979
'By nightfall, we were on the
downhill run, and finally united.'
405
00:24:53,979 --> 00:25:00,099
This is the first time
we've all ridden together
since the square in Saigon.
406
00:25:00,099 --> 00:25:03,018
It's dark and about to rain,
but there we are.
407
00:25:03,018 --> 00:25:04,338
ALL: Wow!
408
00:25:04,338 --> 00:25:05,938
Did you see that one?!
409
00:25:05,938 --> 00:25:07,939
THUNDER CRASHES
410
00:25:08,019 --> 00:25:13,578
'The lightning was biblical,
and from my point of view,
quite useful.'
411
00:25:13,578 --> 00:25:17,338
Oh no! No!
412
00:25:17,338 --> 00:25:20,218
No, my light! My light!
413
00:25:21,738 --> 00:25:23,899
'Fearful of the Yankee bike,
414
00:25:23,899 --> 00:25:26,779
'I strapped a torch
to my front mud guard
415
00:25:26,779 --> 00:25:29,578
'and with just two days'
motorcycling experience,
416
00:25:29,578 --> 00:25:31,098
'set off into the night...
417
00:25:31,098 --> 00:25:36,459
'Where even Captain Experienced
found the going a bit tricky.'
418
00:25:36,459 --> 00:25:43,058
This is where it gets bad. Got to be
careful on the downhill bits cos
only the back brake works.
419
00:25:43,058 --> 00:25:46,899
Oh BLEEP! Huge truck with no brakes.
420
00:25:46,899 --> 00:25:51,538
Well, there's no other word.
It's absolutely suicidal.
421
00:25:51,538 --> 00:25:54,938
'Eventually, we careered
into Nha Trang.'
422
00:25:54,938 --> 00:25:58,019
Hold on. James! Holy crapoly!
423
00:25:58,019 --> 00:26:01,058
What do we do here?
James just went straight out then.
424
00:26:01,058 --> 00:26:04,378
'It had been another hateful day...'
425
00:26:04,378 --> 00:26:05,939
Wow, lightning!
426
00:26:08,939 --> 00:26:14,098
'..so I decided to cheer myself
up by buying Richard Hammond
a small present.
427
00:26:14,098 --> 00:26:17,379
"..If I can just stand this,
it'll warm up," and then it doesn't
428
00:26:17,379 --> 00:26:20,019
and you think, "Oh, nice!"
That's what it's like.
429
00:26:20,019 --> 00:26:21,619
Yes, exactly right.
430
00:26:22,939 --> 00:26:24,458
What?! Bloody hell!
431
00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:26,739
There you go. What, is that...?
432
00:26:26,739 --> 00:26:29,578
There you go. Nice present.
That's for me?! Yeah.
433
00:26:29,578 --> 00:26:33,459
Why?! Well...because I thought
it would look good
434
00:26:33,459 --> 00:26:35,899
in your hall
in your new house.
435
00:26:35,899 --> 00:26:39,259
Have you seen the detailing on it?
I mean, look at the bridge.
436
00:26:39,259 --> 00:26:45,619
I see what you've done. Yeah.
If you had a car, you'd pop it on
the back seat or in the boot. Yeah.
437
00:26:45,619 --> 00:26:47,778
I see what you've done here now.
438
00:26:47,778 --> 00:26:50,458
LAUGHTER
439
00:26:50,458 --> 00:26:56,138
MUSIC: "Nowhere To Run"
by Martha and the Vandellas
440
00:26:56,138 --> 00:27:01,058
# Nowhere to run to, baby
441
00:27:01,058 --> 00:27:03,619
# Nowhere to hide... #
442
00:27:03,619 --> 00:27:10,339
'We ploughed on northwards with the
monotony only broken by a light
sprinkling of massive discomfort.'
443
00:27:11,939 --> 00:27:13,099
Argh!
444
00:27:13,099 --> 00:27:14,698
Oh!
445
00:27:14,698 --> 00:27:16,819
Maybe 90 degrees.
446
00:27:16,819 --> 00:27:19,338
75% humidity.
447
00:27:19,338 --> 00:27:23,978
'In fact, after a day-and-a-half
of solid riding in this sweatbox,
448
00:27:23,978 --> 00:27:25,819
'our clothes were so rank,
449
00:27:25,819 --> 00:27:29,299
'we decided to get some more
in the town of Hoi An -
450
00:27:29,299 --> 00:27:31,579
'Vietnam's Savile Row.'
451
00:27:32,938 --> 00:27:37,339
Buying off the peg in Vietnam, let's
be honest, is all right for you...
452
00:27:37,339 --> 00:27:41,738
but the trousers... Gonna be an
issue for you, I grant you that.
453
00:27:41,738 --> 00:27:44,139
Maybe in other areas...the girth!
454
00:27:44,139 --> 00:27:47,098
This is cashmere? Yes.
And how much is this...?
455
00:27:47,098 --> 00:27:50,098
The price for the whole thing,
125 US dollars.
456
00:27:50,098 --> 00:27:53,938
A cashmere suit for... £70!
457
00:27:53,938 --> 00:27:56,739
What, a whole suit,
or just the buttons? The whole suit.
458
00:27:56,739 --> 00:27:59,218
Made to measure.
Made to measure! How long...?
459
00:27:59,218 --> 00:28:01,098
It takes one day to finish.
460
00:28:01,098 --> 00:28:03,978
A day! So we can have any style.
461
00:28:03,978 --> 00:28:05,779
- Any style.
- And any material?
462
00:28:07,419 --> 00:28:09,019
LAUGHTER
463
00:28:09,019 --> 00:28:11,379
I might have some time on my own.
464
00:28:11,379 --> 00:28:14,339
Linen, not good.
Makes you look even fatter.
465
00:28:14,339 --> 00:28:17,338
Jonathan Ross would never wear...
466
00:28:17,338 --> 00:28:20,419
linen for that reason -
because he's getting quite portly.
467
00:28:20,419 --> 00:28:22,979
Ah, this is Chinese brocade.
468
00:28:22,979 --> 00:28:24,379
Chinese brocade. Yes.
469
00:28:24,379 --> 00:28:31,138
I don't know what that is. I don't
really know what I'm doing here cos
I'm not very fashion conscious.
470
00:28:32,218 --> 00:28:36,938
Your suit's ready. Here it is.
Thank you, thank you(!)
471
00:28:36,938 --> 00:28:39,298
Thank you, that's very nice.
It's perfect.
472
00:28:39,298 --> 00:28:44,418
They're measuring the biceps now.
Tape measure's not long enough.
Of course(!)
473
00:28:44,418 --> 00:28:49,898
If she leaves that tape measure
under my armpit any longer,
it'll rot.
474
00:28:49,898 --> 00:28:51,739
'With our suits under way,
475
00:28:51,739 --> 00:28:55,258
'I decided to go for some
tailor-made shoes as well...'
476
00:28:57,178 --> 00:29:00,298
'..which turned out to be
extremely good fun!
477
00:29:02,338 --> 00:29:09,179
'Since our new wardrobe wouldn't be
ready till morning, Richard and
James suggested we go to the beach.
478
00:29:09,179 --> 00:29:11,099
'With our stupid bikes.'
479
00:29:11,099 --> 00:29:13,659
Why are we doing this?!
480
00:29:15,898 --> 00:29:17,898
I've fallen off it!
481
00:29:17,898 --> 00:29:19,899
I've fallen off!
482
00:29:19,899 --> 00:29:21,219
Come on!
483
00:29:21,219 --> 00:29:23,218
Hey, this is great!
484
00:29:23,218 --> 00:29:24,259
Yeah!
485
00:29:24,259 --> 00:29:28,339
'Happily, however, I soon found
a typical Vietnamese hotel,
486
00:29:28,339 --> 00:29:30,739
'where I could revert
to being a human.'
487
00:29:33,098 --> 00:29:35,338
DISTANT ENGINES
488
00:29:35,338 --> 00:29:37,299
ENGINE REVS
489
00:29:37,299 --> 00:29:39,259
Thank you.
490
00:29:39,259 --> 00:29:43,978
Oh, come on, it's like being on
holiday with two idiots.
491
00:29:43,978 --> 00:29:45,579
ENGINE REVS
492
00:29:49,698 --> 00:29:51,898
There...
493
00:29:51,898 --> 00:29:53,578
Ooh!
494
00:29:53,578 --> 00:29:56,698
'To get away from
the dreadful bike noises,
495
00:29:56,698 --> 00:29:59,498
'I went to the spa
for a foot treatment.'
496
00:29:59,498 --> 00:30:02,059
Bah! That one's a piranha.
497
00:30:02,059 --> 00:30:03,938
Ga ga ga!
498
00:30:08,298 --> 00:30:12,738
'On the beach, we were seeing
who could get their bikes
nearest to the waves.
499
00:30:12,738 --> 00:30:14,299
'Which was a mistake.'
500
00:30:14,299 --> 00:30:15,778
Ooh!
501
00:30:15,778 --> 00:30:17,258
# Born in the USA
502
00:30:17,258 --> 00:30:20,379
# I was born in the USA... #
503
00:30:20,379 --> 00:30:23,539
Not now! Not while that's there.
504
00:30:23,539 --> 00:30:26,578
Yes, no! Yes! No!
505
00:30:31,378 --> 00:30:35,658
I am now officially the world's
most comfortable man.
506
00:30:35,658 --> 00:30:40,339
Mmmmmm...
507
00:30:40,339 --> 00:30:47,658
'Meanwhile, I was getting my first
lesson in what, sadly,
put this country on the map.'
508
00:30:47,658 --> 00:30:50,779
You, here, fighting the US?
509
00:30:54,978 --> 00:30:57,059
1968, yes.
510
00:31:00,859 --> 00:31:03,459
"B52..."
511
00:31:03,459 --> 00:31:05,938
B52s, here?
512
00:31:05,938 --> 00:31:07,378
You, here?
513
00:31:10,459 --> 00:31:11,859
"Death..."
514
00:31:13,258 --> 00:31:15,138
Yeah.
515
00:31:15,138 --> 00:31:17,659
This beach, yours.
516
00:31:17,659 --> 00:31:19,138
I'll go.
517
00:31:19,138 --> 00:31:21,059
Good to meet you.
518
00:31:24,579 --> 00:31:28,659
'As night fell, we decided to head
into downtown Hoi An,
519
00:31:28,659 --> 00:31:32,138
'only to find the Minsk
hadn't recovered from its swim.'
520
00:31:32,138 --> 00:31:36,339
MUSIC: "Born In The USA"
Hammond, I was born
down in a dead man's town.
521
00:31:36,339 --> 00:31:39,898
# Born down in a dead man's town... #
It's lovely,
but I don't fancy it today.
522
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:42,818
The first kick I took
was when I hit the ground.
523
00:31:42,818 --> 00:31:45,739
In a minute you're going to be
driving along with that blaring...
524
00:31:45,739 --> 00:31:47,698
from that bike.
525
00:31:47,698 --> 00:31:49,658
No more spare parts allowed.
526
00:31:49,658 --> 00:31:51,778
No, nothing going on. Just work.
527
00:31:55,338 --> 00:31:57,658
If he turns up on Bruce Springsteen,
528
00:31:57,658 --> 00:32:01,459
I'll feel quite sorry for him,
but I'll still laugh.
529
00:32:02,979 --> 00:32:06,298
'We had intended to nip into town
for something to eat.
530
00:32:06,298 --> 00:32:09,658
'But in Hoi An
it's easy to get a bit distracted.'
531
00:32:14,978 --> 00:32:18,179
Wow! It's very pretty,
I have to say.
532
00:32:18,179 --> 00:32:21,899
Extraordinarily pretty,
and Hammond has missed it.
533
00:32:21,899 --> 00:32:25,858
He is missing this...
How do I make these legs go down?
534
00:32:25,858 --> 00:32:25,939
I didn't think you bothered.
Ah, well...
535
00:32:25,939 --> 00:32:28,219
You getting fond of your motorcycle,
Jeremy? No. Are you sure? Yes.
536
00:32:32,019 --> 00:32:35,739
# Born in the USA, I was... #
537
00:32:35,739 --> 00:32:38,019
LOCAL MUSIC
538
00:32:38,019 --> 00:32:41,098
I don't want to sound like
Michael Palin, all gushing,
539
00:32:41,098 --> 00:32:43,339
but... You're going to. Yeah.
540
00:32:43,339 --> 00:32:47,259
This is like that duck racing thing
they do on British rivers
541
00:32:47,259 --> 00:32:49,939
only much more beautiful.
542
00:32:51,019 --> 00:32:54,499
Was that like Palin?
No, it was rubbish.
543
00:32:54,499 --> 00:32:57,139
ANNOUNCEMENT IN VIETNAMESE
544
00:33:01,738 --> 00:33:06,458
'The next morning we picked up
our clothes from the tailors'
and hit the highway.'
545
00:33:12,538 --> 00:33:16,018
When I said I wanted the sort of
thing the locals would wear to work
546
00:33:16,018 --> 00:33:19,658
I was thinking more working
in a shop or on a building site,
547
00:33:19,658 --> 00:33:24,058
not working in an embassy
or going to a formal reception.
548
00:33:24,058 --> 00:33:26,458
It's Brighton Beach!
549
00:33:26,458 --> 00:33:30,178
1965, Mods and Rockers!
550
00:33:30,178 --> 00:33:34,178
'Richard had a new look too,
but sadly not a new bike.
551
00:33:34,178 --> 00:33:37,858
'Because annoyingly,
the Minsk had dried out.'
552
00:33:37,858 --> 00:33:41,458
Love your work!
Is that a smoking jacket?!
553
00:33:41,458 --> 00:33:44,859
Is that a Mod coat?
Oh, yeah, a full Phil Daniels!
554
00:33:44,859 --> 00:33:48,658
Check out the lining! Ho-ho-ho!
555
00:33:48,658 --> 00:33:52,498
'As usual, however,
there was one small problem.'
556
00:33:52,498 --> 00:33:55,699
I fear my new Mod look
has been spoiled slightly
557
00:33:55,699 --> 00:34:00,019
because somebody has written "penis"
on my helmet!
558
00:34:00,019 --> 00:34:01,859
I did that.
559
00:34:05,859 --> 00:34:08,139
'As we headed for
the ancient capital of Hue
560
00:34:08,139 --> 00:34:10,099
'on the super-heated highway,
561
00:34:10,099 --> 00:34:12,458
'James started to fall behind again.
562
00:34:12,458 --> 00:34:16,339
'And all Jeremy and I could think
to do was buy him a present.
563
00:34:16,339 --> 00:34:18,898
'Something nice and...heavy.'
564
00:34:19,978 --> 00:34:23,859
It's depressing, being at the back.
I think he needs cheering up.
565
00:34:23,859 --> 00:34:27,219
My thoughts exactly.
Which is why we've come to...
566
00:34:27,219 --> 00:34:30,099
Kerry Katona's front room.
567
00:34:30,099 --> 00:34:32,539
"Oh, it's all lovely, this!"
568
00:34:32,539 --> 00:34:35,298
Er...leaping dolphins?
569
00:34:35,298 --> 00:34:37,059
What about these lions?
570
00:34:37,059 --> 00:34:40,659
This is a modern thing. He's not
modern. No, he doesn't do modern.
571
00:34:40,659 --> 00:34:43,699
He won't like that. No, he's very...
Old-fashioned.
572
00:34:45,019 --> 00:34:47,259
May! Welcome! Thanks for waiting.
573
00:34:47,259 --> 00:34:51,219
We decided to buy you a present!
574
00:34:51,219 --> 00:34:53,619
You're standing right next to it.
575
00:34:53,619 --> 00:34:56,218
That?! We thought about that
long and hard!
576
00:34:56,218 --> 00:34:58,459
It's got...
Seriously, it's classical.
577
00:34:58,459 --> 00:35:01,459
It's of ballet, and we know
that you like the ballet.
578
00:35:01,459 --> 00:35:04,018
So you have actually
thought about it? BOTH: Yup.
579
00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:07,099
That's a real present.
JAMES GRUNTS
580
00:35:07,099 --> 00:35:09,858
I need some straps.
581
00:35:14,458 --> 00:35:16,858
'With Darcey Bussell
on the back of his bike,
582
00:35:16,858 --> 00:35:20,019
'James was being even more careful
than usual.
583
00:35:20,019 --> 00:35:22,899
'Which is more than could be said
of Hammond.'
584
00:35:24,298 --> 00:35:26,099
Oof! Oh!
585
00:35:26,099 --> 00:35:29,659
My galleon!
All your masts have come off!
586
00:35:30,979 --> 00:35:33,099
They're all down!
587
00:35:33,099 --> 00:35:36,819
I can fix it. I can fix that,
you'll never notice.
588
00:35:36,819 --> 00:35:39,699
A toll booth.
589
00:35:39,699 --> 00:35:42,019
Motorbikes go free.
590
00:35:42,019 --> 00:35:44,138
What's he done?!
591
00:35:44,138 --> 00:35:46,459
Sorry! I'm sorry!
592
00:35:46,459 --> 00:35:49,978
Hammond just hit the sign
in the tollbooth. I know.
593
00:35:49,978 --> 00:35:51,818
That bloke's furious.
594
00:35:53,058 --> 00:35:57,298
'Then the Vespa
came over all Italian again.'
595
00:35:57,298 --> 00:36:00,178
Do you know something
very interesting? What's that?
596
00:36:00,178 --> 00:36:02,218
My bike isn't broken.
597
00:36:02,218 --> 00:36:05,899
You're not going to believe how
they mended it. With a hammer? No.
598
00:36:05,899 --> 00:36:08,418
They got a plastic bag,
filled it with weeds,
599
00:36:08,418 --> 00:36:11,059
and kind of wedged all the electrics
600
00:36:11,059 --> 00:36:13,179
so they can't joogle about.
601
00:36:13,179 --> 00:36:17,578
See that mountain up there, James?
Yeah. We're going up that. Right.
602
00:36:17,578 --> 00:36:19,618
I'll wait for you at the top.
603
00:36:19,618 --> 00:36:23,218
'The mountain
was a bit of a surprise.
604
00:36:23,218 --> 00:36:26,819
'Because you expect to find many
things when you come to Vietnam -
605
00:36:26,819 --> 00:36:30,739
'communistical farming,
reminders of the war, stunning food,
606
00:36:30,739 --> 00:36:34,179
'massive heat.
What you don't expect to find
607
00:36:34,179 --> 00:36:36,699
'is a deserted ribbon of perfection.
608
00:36:36,699 --> 00:36:41,419
'One of the best coast roads
in the world.'
609
00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:53,499
'It's called the Hai Van Pass,
610
00:36:53,499 --> 00:36:56,458
'and in this place,
I had an epiphany.'
611
00:36:57,859 --> 00:36:59,259
Ahahahahaha!
612
00:36:59,259 --> 00:37:00,898
I'm liking this.
613
00:37:03,699 --> 00:37:06,739
Hang on! I'm going for an overtake!
614
00:37:08,539 --> 00:37:10,779
Yeah! This is great!
615
00:37:10,779 --> 00:37:13,299
At last I've got a playmate. Ha-ha!
616
00:37:19,858 --> 00:37:22,818
Don't leave me!
617
00:37:22,818 --> 00:37:27,299
# Born in the USA, I was... #
618
00:37:28,659 --> 00:37:32,019
Man alive, it keeps getting better!
619
00:37:32,019 --> 00:37:35,259
There are views in the world,
and then there's that one.
620
00:37:38,059 --> 00:37:41,218
This is when I'm going to wish
I didn't have Darcey with me.
621
00:37:43,978 --> 00:37:46,338
It's gone! Hammond!
622
00:37:46,338 --> 00:37:48,058
It's gone again.
623
00:37:48,058 --> 00:37:50,378
It's gone.
624
00:37:50,378 --> 00:37:53,458
You know we mended it with weeds?
The weed bag, yeah.
625
00:37:53,458 --> 00:37:55,339
The weed bag doesn't work.
626
00:38:00,219 --> 00:38:03,418
'Mind you, there are worse places
to break down.'
627
00:38:05,738 --> 00:38:09,378
We go round the world,
but some of the stuff here... Yeah.
628
00:38:09,378 --> 00:38:11,419
It's made my hair all stand on end.
629
00:38:11,419 --> 00:38:14,458
And there's nobody there...
Oh, I tell you who is here.
630
00:38:14,458 --> 00:38:18,339
Has he arrived?
It's not a majestic sight, is it?
631
00:38:18,339 --> 00:38:20,979
May. Yes.
Seriously, look at that view.
632
00:38:20,979 --> 00:38:23,059
That's fantastic.
633
00:38:23,059 --> 00:38:27,979
James? Yes. Have you got his present?
Or do you know where it is?
634
00:38:27,979 --> 00:38:31,059
I put it in the camera van.
Go and get it.
635
00:38:31,059 --> 00:38:34,459
Yeah. Have you really
got me a present? Oh, yes. Yeah.
636
00:38:34,459 --> 00:38:37,019
We've both been amazed.
Your first bike ride,
637
00:38:37,019 --> 00:38:40,459
coming up here on this road,
you deserve your present now.
638
00:38:40,459 --> 00:38:42,339
James, present him. Your present.
639
00:38:42,339 --> 00:38:44,938
That is very...
640
00:38:44,938 --> 00:38:47,259
..striking, chaps. Yes.
641
00:38:47,259 --> 00:38:49,819
Funnily enough,
that's the word I used. It is.
642
00:38:49,819 --> 00:38:52,259
I shall try to look
after this, Hammond,
643
00:38:52,259 --> 00:38:55,579
a bit better than you're looking
after the galleon that I gave you.
644
00:39:00,579 --> 00:39:02,619
50 miles to Hue!
645
00:39:04,739 --> 00:39:07,858
Down into second
for the difficult hairpin.
646
00:39:07,858 --> 00:39:10,019
Oh, yes! Knee down!
647
00:39:13,179 --> 00:39:16,978
Every time I change down, Darcey
clouts me with her breasts!
648
00:39:16,978 --> 00:39:20,618
It's not a complaint,
it's an observation.
649
00:39:25,258 --> 00:39:29,818
'We thought as we got to
the bottom of the pass
that we'd be back in the chaos.
650
00:39:29,818 --> 00:39:31,498
'But no.'
651
00:39:36,219 --> 00:39:39,259
BOAT ENGINE PUTTERS
652
00:39:39,259 --> 00:39:44,259
That image really is
a metaphor for Vietnam.
653
00:39:44,259 --> 00:39:46,058
The mountains, the coastline,
654
00:39:46,058 --> 00:39:50,259
the big new engineering projects
and the traditional fishing scene.
655
00:39:51,779 --> 00:39:53,619
With that soundtrack.
656
00:39:53,619 --> 00:39:56,539
It is a fabulous country,
it really is.
657
00:40:00,379 --> 00:40:02,658
'That night in the hotel,
658
00:40:02,658 --> 00:40:06,459
'Hammond set about mending
his treasured galleon.'
659
00:40:06,459 --> 00:40:10,579
I think I may have to cut
some of the rigging. Cos there's...
660
00:40:10,579 --> 00:40:13,819
'Meanwhile, to pay him back
for breaking it in the first place,
661
00:40:13,819 --> 00:40:17,299
'I decided to redecorate
his treasured bike.'
662
00:40:19,178 --> 00:40:23,739
You know he will be
apocalyptically cross.
663
00:40:23,739 --> 00:40:27,099
I know, but he's cross about
everything, so it doesn't really...
664
00:40:27,099 --> 00:40:29,698
Oh-ho-ho. Let's have a go.
665
00:40:29,698 --> 00:40:32,539
JEREMY CHORTLES
Oh, yes!
666
00:40:36,219 --> 00:40:38,299
Chao.
667
00:40:38,299 --> 00:40:40,618
You like? Would you like to do some?
668
00:40:40,618 --> 00:40:44,739
Would you like to do some? Pink!
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
669
00:40:44,739 --> 00:40:47,298
If he asks, we just say,
"The chef did it."
670
00:40:47,298 --> 00:40:50,578
If you painted the back,
he'd be furious. Down there.
671
00:40:52,978 --> 00:40:56,098
Do you have a pencil I could borrow?
A pencil? Yes.
672
00:41:01,539 --> 00:41:06,978
Now look what's happened.
The whole town has turned out to
paint Richard Hammond's bike pink.
673
00:41:06,978 --> 00:41:10,579
James and I are doing everything
possible to stop them...
674
00:41:10,579 --> 00:41:14,098
Please, don't do this!
I've given up trying to tell them.
675
00:41:15,499 --> 00:41:18,259
And you missed a bit there
that you mustn't do.
676
00:41:24,658 --> 00:41:26,058
Ah.
677
00:41:30,658 --> 00:41:32,218
Look, you can't just go...
678
00:41:32,218 --> 00:41:35,938
Hang on, has she painted her own
bike? Seriously, don't...it
isn't hers!
679
00:41:35,938 --> 00:41:40,339
What happened is, she's got hold of
this big paint and decided
680
00:41:40,339 --> 00:41:44,499
everything in the entire car park
needs painted pink!
681
00:41:44,499 --> 00:41:46,378
HE LAUGHS
682
00:41:49,779 --> 00:41:54,739
The sun rose over another
beautiful day in the 'Nam.
683
00:41:54,739 --> 00:41:57,778
But among us three,
the atmosphere was a little tense...
684
00:42:01,299 --> 00:42:03,379
I told you he'd be furious.
685
00:42:03,379 --> 00:42:06,538
Can they really not organise a
bloody junction better than this?
686
00:42:06,538 --> 00:42:09,098
I know he's cross
but I've told him a chef did it.
687
00:42:09,098 --> 00:42:11,419
Did he not believe you?
No. Funny, that.
688
00:42:12,419 --> 00:42:15,019
WHACK!
Oh dear.
689
00:42:15,019 --> 00:42:19,338
Despite Richard's mood, we were told
to report to a nearby
690
00:42:19,338 --> 00:42:22,019
government building for a challenge.
691
00:42:22,019 --> 00:42:24,178
I think it looks good!
692
00:42:24,178 --> 00:42:27,818
It matches your helmet now. Yes, I
have spotted that, that's the point,
693
00:42:27,818 --> 00:42:29,019
very good, yes.
694
00:42:29,019 --> 00:42:31,459
No, I am sorry.
We did everything in our power.
695
00:42:31,459 --> 00:42:34,538
You know we're your mates.
Anyway, we need a challenge.
696
00:42:34,538 --> 00:42:37,459
He is cross, but just read the
challenge, it'll cheer him up.
697
00:42:37,459 --> 00:42:40,419
It'll be the person with the
pinkest bike wins, I'll bet.
698
00:42:40,419 --> 00:42:42,898
The person with the pinkest bike...
There you go!
699
00:42:42,898 --> 00:42:45,539
No, it doesn't actually say that.
What does it say?
700
00:42:45,539 --> 00:42:48,899
You are about to enter
what was North Vietnam.
701
00:42:48,899 --> 00:42:51,739
It's as well your papers
are in order,
702
00:42:51,739 --> 00:42:54,739
you will therefore take a Vietnamese
driving test.
703
00:42:54,739 --> 00:42:59,939
Well, that'll just be one of those
joke ones. You know, the Egypt one?
Forwards and backwards six feet.
704
00:42:59,939 --> 00:43:01,219
Cheer up!
705
00:43:01,219 --> 00:43:03,338
This is gonna be a doddle.
706
00:43:03,338 --> 00:43:05,458
SHE SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE
707
00:43:05,458 --> 00:43:06,579
It wasn't.
708
00:43:06,579 --> 00:43:09,658
First, we had to take
an aural theory test...
709
00:43:09,658 --> 00:43:11,419
in Vietnamese.
710
00:43:18,898 --> 00:43:21,098
May. May!
711
00:43:21,098 --> 00:43:22,779
Ahem!
712
00:43:22,779 --> 00:43:25,299
It's you. Stand up,
stand up, stand up!
713
00:43:27,579 --> 00:43:30,538
SHE CONTINUES IN VIETNAMESE
714
00:43:42,538 --> 00:43:43,738
Oh, no.
715
00:43:56,138 --> 00:43:58,459
Always give way to
the car from the right.
716
00:43:58,459 --> 00:43:59,978
JEREMY LAUGHS
717
00:44:01,059 --> 00:44:04,059
You've a one in a hundred chance
of being right, there.
718
00:44:04,059 --> 00:44:06,259
But you were in the wrong language.
719
00:44:06,259 --> 00:44:07,299
Uh-oh...
720
00:44:07,299 --> 00:44:08,779
THE OTHERS SNIGGER
721
00:44:16,259 --> 00:44:17,299
Er...
722
00:44:17,299 --> 00:44:20,779
HE SPEAKS VIETNAMESE
723
00:44:24,658 --> 00:44:27,379
How the hell did...
what did you just do?
724
00:44:27,379 --> 00:44:29,258
It was 18. 18 years old.
725
00:44:29,258 --> 00:44:30,459
How did you know?
726
00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:33,418
What age you are to ride
a motorbike, which of course is 18.
727
00:44:34,459 --> 00:44:35,498
But...
728
00:44:35,498 --> 00:44:38,139
How did you know what she asked?
729
00:44:38,139 --> 00:44:41,379
Did you not bother learning
Vietnamese before we came here?
730
00:44:41,379 --> 00:44:42,658
Well, no!
731
00:44:42,658 --> 00:44:43,898
You're screwed, then.
732
00:44:44,979 --> 00:44:48,058
So, only one of us had shone
in the classroom.
733
00:44:48,058 --> 00:44:50,979
But in the practical test,
things would be better.
734
00:44:51,898 --> 00:44:56,619
Is it you have to ride in a
figure-of-eight, then you can go out
and ride on Ho Chi Minh's highways?
735
00:44:56,619 --> 00:44:59,659
Yes. That's it? So if you
touch the white lines, you fail?
736
00:44:59,659 --> 00:45:00,859
Presumably.
737
00:45:00,859 --> 00:45:03,138
Barbara Cartland went first.
738
00:45:03,138 --> 00:45:04,858
Richard Hammond.
739
00:45:04,858 --> 00:45:06,099
Ooh, it's me!
740
00:45:08,218 --> 00:45:11,498
In. It's quite tight...
741
00:45:11,498 --> 00:45:14,739
Well, it serves him right for riding
an enormous motorcycle.
742
00:45:15,778 --> 00:45:17,378
Ooh, it's harder than it looks!
743
00:45:19,178 --> 00:45:20,659
Is he doing well?
744
00:45:20,659 --> 00:45:22,018
Good?
745
00:45:24,259 --> 00:45:26,419
Richard Hammond, pass.
746
00:45:26,419 --> 00:45:29,179
You've passed! He's passed!
You've passed!
747
00:45:29,179 --> 00:45:30,939
James May.
748
00:45:32,979 --> 00:45:35,179
He'll love this,
it's all about precision,
749
00:45:35,179 --> 00:45:37,618
going slowly and being accurate...
750
00:45:37,618 --> 00:45:39,658
Gone the wrong way...
HE LAUGHS
751
00:45:42,459 --> 00:45:45,499
It's a good spectator sport, though,
isn't it? It is.
752
00:45:45,499 --> 00:45:47,218
They're really loving it.
753
00:45:47,218 --> 00:45:48,859
James May.
754
00:45:48,859 --> 00:45:50,019
Pass.
755
00:45:50,019 --> 00:45:51,618
Tiny... Jeremy Clarkson.
756
00:45:51,618 --> 00:45:53,219
Get on with it! Yes, yes...
757
00:45:59,259 --> 00:46:01,699
Ah! Ah!
758
00:46:02,779 --> 00:46:05,218
No, that's not right!
What he's doing is,
759
00:46:05,218 --> 00:46:07,059
rather predictably, going too fast.
760
00:46:07,059 --> 00:46:10,659
This is just impossible on these
wheels. They're too small!
761
00:46:10,659 --> 00:46:12,178
Jeremy Clarkson...
762
00:46:12,178 --> 00:46:13,339
Fail.
763
00:46:13,339 --> 00:46:16,618
You've failed! I've only been
riding a bike five days!
764
00:46:16,618 --> 00:46:20,618
Happily, in Vietnam, if you fail
you are allowed to try again.
765
00:46:20,618 --> 00:46:21,699
Immediately.
766
00:46:21,699 --> 00:46:27,739
He's spent less time in the circle
than he has out of the circle.
767
00:46:28,819 --> 00:46:30,538
Oh!
768
00:46:30,538 --> 00:46:31,938
Jeremy Clarkson, fail.
769
00:46:32,059 --> 00:46:33,658
JAMES LAUGHS
770
00:46:33,658 --> 00:46:35,938
Obviously, it was
the Vespa's fault,
771
00:46:35,938 --> 00:46:38,499
so I had a go on the Cub.
772
00:46:38,499 --> 00:46:40,579
Give it gas, man! There you go!
773
00:46:42,339 --> 00:46:45,339
helping massively here.
774
00:46:48,019 --> 00:46:49,858
Oh, this is disastrous.
775
00:46:49,858 --> 00:46:51,579
How's he ridden this thing?!
776
00:46:53,019 --> 00:46:57,098
Jeremy Clarkson, fail.
777
00:46:57,098 --> 00:47:01,659
Is he the most ridiculous human being
in the world currently, or ever...
778
00:47:01,659 --> 00:47:02,818
ever previously?
779
00:47:02,818 --> 00:47:03,859
Yes. Yeah.
780
00:47:03,859 --> 00:47:05,418
We're gonna have to get going.
781
00:47:05,418 --> 00:47:06,978
But we haven't got a licence.
782
00:47:06,978 --> 00:47:09,619
Well, that's cos you
failed your theory.
783
00:47:09,619 --> 00:47:12,859
You haven't been granted a pass for
your practical, it's pathetic.
784
00:47:12,859 --> 00:47:16,299
But as a team... As a team we've
done both halves of it. As a unit...
785
00:47:16,299 --> 00:47:17,818
we are licensed.
786
00:47:17,818 --> 00:47:21,859
We are now licenced. We could have
a Top Gear licence, with
all our faces on it.
787
00:47:21,859 --> 00:47:24,458
As long as we stick
together. No! Oi!
788
00:47:25,579 --> 00:47:28,339
It was important, that.
I am sorry, James. I am.
789
00:47:28,339 --> 00:47:30,379
You're not sorry. Please shut up.
790
00:47:31,539 --> 00:47:34,338
To apologise for Darcey's head,
791
00:47:34,338 --> 00:47:38,458
I bought James some flowers
and then we headed out of Hue.
792
00:47:42,099 --> 00:47:44,218
BLEEP
793
00:47:48,258 --> 00:47:50,818
You've knocked one
of my mirrors off!
794
00:47:55,938 --> 00:48:00,898
Even though we were against
the clock, we felt we had to
stop at the citadel.
795
00:48:02,899 --> 00:48:06,538
Scene of one of the fiercest battles
in the Vietnam War.
796
00:48:07,619 --> 00:48:09,699
Bullet holes everywhere.
797
00:48:10,939 --> 00:48:13,258
And everywhere you look,
it's just...
798
00:48:13,258 --> 00:48:17,899
You can track them as well, can't
you, sometimes? That is
machine-gun fire there.
799
00:48:17,899 --> 00:48:21,538
I think, for most people, Vietnam
is a war, not a country. Yes.
800
00:48:21,538 --> 00:48:25,258
And this was pretty much
the epicentre.
801
00:48:25,258 --> 00:48:30,579
It's nice that they haven't restored
it. That's a better memorial than
anything else, isn't it?
802
00:48:34,579 --> 00:48:38,058
It was now day six
of our epic road trip,
803
00:48:38,058 --> 00:48:41,898
and the finish line was still more
than 400 miles away.
804
00:48:41,898 --> 00:48:45,019
What's more, the traffic
was getting worse.
805
00:48:45,019 --> 00:48:48,578
You can tell we're getting close
to the North... What, more bikes?
806
00:48:48,578 --> 00:48:50,178
Well, a lot more bikes.
807
00:48:50,178 --> 00:48:53,179
The heat was worse than ever,
and even James's Cub
808
00:48:53,179 --> 00:48:55,378
was starting to feel the strain.
809
00:48:56,418 --> 00:48:59,498
That's just not as sweet as it
was this morning.
810
00:48:59,498 --> 00:49:02,338
Progress, then,
was slower than ever...
811
00:49:02,338 --> 00:49:05,818
and over lunch, the penny dropped -
with a horrible clang.
812
00:49:05,818 --> 00:49:06,859
Rice...
813
00:49:06,859 --> 00:49:09,378
Yeah. Those are bamboo shoots. Yeah.
814
00:49:09,378 --> 00:49:11,298
And that's...meat. Some meat.
815
00:49:11,298 --> 00:49:12,379
Guys.
816
00:49:12,379 --> 00:49:13,659
Yeah?
817
00:49:13,659 --> 00:49:15,699
We can't make it.
818
00:49:17,659 --> 00:49:20,659
If you think how far
we've come so far,
819
00:49:20,659 --> 00:49:23,899
and how far we've got...
well, we're about halfway.
820
00:49:23,899 --> 00:49:26,538
Well, thinking about it,
probably that...
821
00:49:26,538 --> 00:49:29,859
that day spent playing on the beach
and having a massage,
822
00:49:29,859 --> 00:49:31,818
while we had our suits made...
823
00:49:31,818 --> 00:49:33,578
wasn't actually the... No. No.
824
00:49:33,578 --> 00:49:35,338
We can't just give in.
825
00:49:35,338 --> 00:49:37,939
So what're you saying?
We must try harder?
826
00:49:37,939 --> 00:49:41,578
No. We must find a way of making
the bikes faster? No. Cheat.
827
00:49:41,578 --> 00:49:42,778
Yep.
828
00:49:44,499 --> 00:49:48,458
We decided to take an overnight
train to Ha Long City,
829
00:49:48,458 --> 00:49:51,338
which is something the Americans
never thought to do.
830
00:49:51,338 --> 00:49:55,299
But we couldn't celebrate our
ingenuity, because at the station...
831
00:49:56,379 --> 00:50:00,379
James was a bit upset that my spare
wheel had come through my painting.
832
00:50:00,379 --> 00:50:02,178
Now look what you've done.
833
00:50:02,178 --> 00:50:05,058
What, I did it on purpose?
Hammond paid for it,
834
00:50:05,058 --> 00:50:09,219
and it was...well, we won't say
how much it was, but it
was quite expensive. Yes.
835
00:50:09,219 --> 00:50:13,978
You're not making me feel any
better. How d'you think we feel?
Let's not get bogged down
836
00:50:13,978 --> 00:50:16,099
with who did what to who.
837
00:50:16,099 --> 00:50:17,499
No, cos you did all of it.
838
00:50:18,579 --> 00:50:20,778
THEY GROAN
Argh! Come on!
839
00:50:20,778 --> 00:50:21,898
Wait, wait, wait.
840
00:50:21,898 --> 00:50:23,859
Ooh, sorry, sorry.
841
00:50:23,859 --> 00:50:27,859
In the night, can you water
the flowers for me?
842
00:50:27,859 --> 00:50:30,658
WHISTLE SOUNDS
843
00:50:30,658 --> 00:50:33,178
Sorry. Yeah, a tyre went through it.
844
00:50:33,178 --> 00:50:34,299
Sorry!
845
00:50:36,658 --> 00:50:41,179
James had bought the tickets,
and great news for licence payers -
846
00:50:41,179 --> 00:50:42,898
they were for third class!
847
00:50:42,898 --> 00:50:44,619
13 hours!
848
00:50:44,619 --> 00:50:46,258
There are people sleeping.
849
00:50:46,258 --> 00:50:47,859
HE WHISPERS
13 hours!
850
00:50:47,859 --> 00:50:49,898
How long have we done?
851
00:50:49,898 --> 00:50:50,979
Four minutes.
852
00:50:50,979 --> 00:50:52,659
Getting through it!
853
00:50:56,578 --> 00:51:00,978
We decided to pass the rest
of the time by mending each
others' presents.
854
00:51:02,858 --> 00:51:04,978
Ooh. Oooh...
855
00:51:04,978 --> 00:51:07,779
Moves about more than I expected,
but that's OK.
856
00:51:07,779 --> 00:51:12,419
It'll give the painting some motion,
some fluidity. It's good. It's good.
857
00:51:12,419 --> 00:51:16,059
That's like trying to unravel
the mystery of the universe.
858
00:51:16,059 --> 00:51:17,419
Made of string.
859
00:51:17,419 --> 00:51:18,858
CLATTERING
860
00:51:18,858 --> 00:51:21,378
In the accident,
we've lost her hand.
861
00:51:21,378 --> 00:51:25,738
The thing that...maybe
I could improvise that
and make that her hand,
862
00:51:25,738 --> 00:51:28,778
and then she's like
a sort of mutant.
863
00:51:28,778 --> 00:51:31,539
What I've done is inject
a touch of the familiar
864
00:51:31,539 --> 00:51:34,339
to this otherwise quite alien scene.
865
00:51:34,339 --> 00:51:35,458
Aah! Aah!
866
00:51:35,458 --> 00:51:37,258
Aah. Why is that so hot?
867
00:51:37,258 --> 00:51:38,378
Is that glue?
868
00:51:38,378 --> 00:51:39,739
Why's it so hot?
869
00:51:39,739 --> 00:51:41,139
My suit!
870
00:51:41,139 --> 00:51:43,779
I've dropped hot glue on my suit!
871
00:51:43,779 --> 00:51:47,139
Do you have anything to cure
superglue burns through silk?
872
00:51:47,139 --> 00:51:50,458
My hand's in the front
of my trousers, don't read
anything into that.
873
00:51:58,299 --> 00:52:01,138
MUSIC: "Ring Of Fire"
by Johnny Cash
874
00:52:06,378 --> 00:52:10,978
In the morning, the train was
approaching our destination.
875
00:52:11,978 --> 00:52:15,379
James is going to be extremely
pleased with...
876
00:52:15,379 --> 00:52:20,218
Not so much with this, but
the surgery on her shoulder...
877
00:52:20,218 --> 00:52:23,179
That is the work of a top doc.
878
00:52:23,179 --> 00:52:26,938
It's difficult to explore
the allegorical significances
879
00:52:26,938 --> 00:52:29,659
and layers of the painting when
I'm...well, sober.
880
00:52:29,659 --> 00:52:31,178
What you've done...
881
00:52:31,178 --> 00:52:35,139
is you've painted a Land Rover in
the middle of a Vietnamese scene.
882
00:52:35,139 --> 00:52:38,419
Yeah. The... Mind you, you're in
for a bug surprise when you see
883
00:52:38,419 --> 00:52:40,138
what May's done to your galleon.
884
00:52:41,379 --> 00:52:43,539
It's not brilliant, mate,
if I'm honest.
885
00:52:43,539 --> 00:52:45,378
And what are these? Chopsticks.
886
00:52:46,979 --> 00:52:48,619
But what are they representing?
887
00:52:48,619 --> 00:52:50,059
Oars.
888
00:52:50,059 --> 00:52:53,659
It's the best I could do with
the bits that survived
889
00:52:53,659 --> 00:52:56,578
and stuff I could buy from
the woman with the trolley.
890
00:52:57,859 --> 00:52:59,739
Finally, two days early,
891
00:52:59,739 --> 00:53:01,898
we arrived in Ha Long City.
892
00:53:01,898 --> 00:53:03,538
Where's her hand?
893
00:53:03,538 --> 00:53:05,218
I've completely lost it.
894
00:53:13,738 --> 00:53:15,019
HORN TOOTS
895
00:53:19,539 --> 00:53:21,418
Move this out the way... Sorry?
896
00:53:21,418 --> 00:53:23,739
This is heavy presumably...
897
00:53:25,138 --> 00:53:26,818
Darcey's head's come off again.
898
00:53:31,138 --> 00:53:33,418
Don't touch it! OK.
899
00:53:35,499 --> 00:53:38,779
This has been the clumsiest arrival
at a finishing point.
900
00:53:38,779 --> 00:53:42,298
It hasn't been an elegant arrival,
but we are at the finishing point.
901
00:53:42,298 --> 00:53:44,338
It's very hot. Is it hotter
here than it was?
902
00:53:44,338 --> 00:53:46,499
Isn't there a sea breeze?
903
00:53:48,019 --> 00:53:50,698
How do you spell Ha Long?
904
00:53:51,979 --> 00:53:54,099
H-A-L-O-N-G.
905
00:53:54,099 --> 00:53:55,699
It's two words.
906
00:53:55,699 --> 00:53:59,578
G-A. I think that means train
station, I think. Ga.
907
00:53:59,578 --> 00:54:02,899
Ha Noi. Ha... Ha Noi.
908
00:54:04,018 --> 00:54:06,339
Well, where did you
book the tickets to?
909
00:54:06,339 --> 00:54:10,538
There's nothing wrong
with the tickets. Well, clearly,
we're in the wrong place.
910
00:54:10,538 --> 00:54:11,659
Yes. But...
911
00:54:11,659 --> 00:54:14,619
Ha Long City. Ha Long City.
Ha Long City.
912
00:54:14,619 --> 00:54:17,619
You chose the platform. You said,
"I know where it is!"
913
00:54:17,619 --> 00:54:20,418
There's one platform, James.
There's one line.
914
00:54:20,418 --> 00:54:23,619
There was a line either
side of the platform,
like there often is.
915
00:54:23,619 --> 00:54:28,099
'A quick look at a map showed us
the scale of my colleague's cock up.'
916
00:54:28,099 --> 00:54:30,898
There is Ha Long. Yeah.
917
00:54:30,898 --> 00:54:32,698
There is Hanoi.
918
00:54:32,698 --> 00:54:35,019
Well, we're miles away!
919
00:54:35,019 --> 00:54:37,459
We'll have to go along there.
It's a day's ride.
920
00:54:37,459 --> 00:54:39,658
All right, anyway,
welcome to Hanoi!
921
00:54:41,739 --> 00:54:44,898
"Oh no, I'll get the tickets.
I know what I'm doing.
922
00:54:44,898 --> 00:54:46,738
"I understand public transport."
923
00:54:46,738 --> 00:54:50,819
"No, no, trust me. I promise
you it's this platform."
924
00:54:50,819 --> 00:54:55,858
'To make matters worse, the traffic
was more mental than ever.'
925
00:54:55,858 --> 00:55:01,498
I'm utterly, utterly marmalated
here. I've never been more in peril.
926
00:55:01,498 --> 00:55:06,739
'But we were ahead of schedule,
so we went for breakfast.'
927
00:55:06,739 --> 00:55:08,859
These are chicken innards.
928
00:55:08,859 --> 00:55:12,139
Well, actually it doesn't say
innards, it says "internals".
929
00:55:12,139 --> 00:55:15,419
Mm. We've ordered pickled pig's ear
930
00:55:15,419 --> 00:55:20,138
with vegetables dipped in
seasoning sauce, spelt wrong.
931
00:55:20,138 --> 00:55:24,579
'Hammond didn't fancy
any of that and nor did he
go for the main course.'
932
00:55:24,579 --> 00:55:28,378
Speak of the devil! The sparrows
have arrived.
933
00:55:28,378 --> 00:55:31,459
Oh, look at that!
934
00:55:31,459 --> 00:55:34,299
Wafer-thin sparrow? I'm fine.
935
00:55:34,299 --> 00:55:37,299
Go on! A "wafer-thin" sparrow!
I'm fine.
936
00:55:37,299 --> 00:55:42,418
'But after seven days,
he had to eat something.'
937
00:55:42,418 --> 00:55:44,898
Good news!
938
00:55:44,898 --> 00:55:48,178
Richard Hammond is eating rice.
939
00:55:48,178 --> 00:55:50,299
It's rice crispies, but...
940
00:55:50,299 --> 00:55:52,138
Is it rice?
941
00:55:52,138 --> 00:55:54,619
Yes. Am I eating it
with chopsticks? Yes.
942
00:55:54,619 --> 00:55:57,058
Then I am native and local as you.
943
00:55:58,779 --> 00:56:01,579
'After breakfast, we set out
for Ha Long City.
944
00:56:01,579 --> 00:56:04,659
MUSIC: "Stuck In The Middle With You"
by Stealers Wheel
945
00:56:04,659 --> 00:56:09,539
That's part of a shot-down B52,
which landed there...
946
00:56:09,539 --> 00:56:11,938
and they never bothered to move it.
947
00:56:11,938 --> 00:56:16,498
'And soon we realised it
wasn't just Hanoi's traffic
that was confusing.'
948
00:56:16,498 --> 00:56:21,098
I have no idea where
we are and no idea...
949
00:56:21,098 --> 00:56:23,338
Not one sign post.
950
00:56:25,618 --> 00:56:29,019
this park once already.
951
00:56:29,019 --> 00:56:32,979
'Eventually though, we found our way
out of the city,
952
00:56:32,979 --> 00:56:34,579
'and into the countryside.'
953
00:56:40,778 --> 00:56:43,619
Ha Long and Hanoi
are two big cities.
954
00:56:43,619 --> 00:56:46,978
I doubt they're connected by
a three-foot wide dusty path
955
00:56:46,978 --> 00:56:48,178
covered in hay.
956
00:56:48,178 --> 00:56:51,579
You know when we got the 16th
century, I think we turned left.
957
00:56:51,579 --> 00:56:54,579
We should've gone right.
Now we're in the 13th century.
958
00:56:54,579 --> 00:56:55,978
DOG BARKS AGGRESSIVELY
959
00:56:55,978 --> 00:57:01,059
Well, we are completely lost. Yeah,
are we finally admitting that? Yes.
960
00:57:01,059 --> 00:57:04,539
Even I will admit this
is not the main road from... No.
961
00:57:04,539 --> 00:57:06,778
Anywhere to anywhere.
962
00:57:06,778 --> 00:57:08,979
THEY GREET EACH OTHER
963
00:57:08,979 --> 00:57:11,338
Where is Ha Long City?
964
00:57:11,338 --> 00:57:14,779
No, no. This isn't
Ha Long City, is it? No.
965
00:57:17,458 --> 00:57:19,938
I like being lost here.
966
00:57:19,938 --> 00:57:21,939
Yeah, this is a nice place
to be lost.
967
00:57:21,939 --> 00:57:23,659
Hello, hello!
968
00:57:23,659 --> 00:57:25,099
Hello! Oh, oh!
969
00:57:26,658 --> 00:57:27,778
THEY GIGGLE
970
00:57:27,778 --> 00:57:29,219
Yep.
971
00:57:31,258 --> 00:57:32,818
THEY LAUGH
972
00:57:35,938 --> 00:57:38,578
'Eventually, though...'
973
00:57:38,578 --> 00:57:40,618
We've found a road!
974
00:57:42,099 --> 00:57:46,258
'It really did look like we were
going to make it.'
975
00:57:49,299 --> 00:57:51,739
I've always said to my children,
976
00:57:51,739 --> 00:57:54,019
that if they buy a bike
I will burn it,
977
00:57:54,019 --> 00:57:57,658
and if they replace it with another
one, I shall burn that too.
978
00:57:57,658 --> 00:58:00,258
Now, however, if they buy a bike,
979
00:58:00,258 --> 00:58:02,338
I will completely understand...
980
00:58:03,338 --> 00:58:05,179
..and then I'll burn it.
981
00:58:07,539 --> 00:58:11,259
With just 50 miles to go,
Hammond went berserk.
982
00:58:11,259 --> 00:58:15,259
A-a-a-a-a-ah!
983
00:58:15,259 --> 00:58:17,258
The speed!
984
00:58:17,258 --> 00:58:19,059
He's just a prat.
985
00:58:21,499 --> 00:58:24,298
Oh, no! No, no, no!
I'm breaking down.
986
00:58:26,378 --> 00:58:29,299
'Bruce beckoned, but
having come this far,
987
00:58:29,299 --> 00:58:31,299
'I wasn't going to give in.'
988
00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:34,538
Plenty of fuel. It's not that.
989
00:58:36,699 --> 00:58:38,538
'Happily, Jeremy ploughed on.'
990
00:58:38,538 --> 00:58:40,018
Now I'm motoring!
991
00:58:40,018 --> 00:58:42,139
Oh, yeah!
992
00:58:42,139 --> 00:58:45,699
'And without his hammer-fisted
approach to pretty much everything,
993
00:58:45,699 --> 00:58:48,019
'we'd have the bike mended
in a jiffy.'
994
00:58:48,019 --> 00:58:49,099
ENGINE REVS
995
00:58:49,099 --> 00:58:50,698
Woah! I'm in gear! Ah!
996
00:58:50,698 --> 00:58:52,659
I got a... Oh!
997
00:58:52,659 --> 00:58:56,499
So you simultaneously headbutted me
in the gentleman's region
998
00:58:56,499 --> 00:58:59,178
and snapped the prow
off the galleon.
999
00:58:59,178 --> 00:59:00,859
You complete numpty, Hammond.
1000
00:59:00,859 --> 00:59:01,858
RICHARD LAUGHS
1001
00:59:04,459 --> 00:59:08,618
I am now boldly going where no
American has been before!
1002
00:59:10,179 --> 00:59:11,218
BRAKES SQUEAL
1003
00:59:11,218 --> 00:59:12,618
Ah!
1004
00:59:16,978 --> 00:59:22,058
'Unaware that we had a man down, we
were even still buying each other
silly presents.'
1005
00:59:24,538 --> 00:59:25,498
Oh!
1006
00:59:26,578 --> 00:59:30,259
So there we are. It's
my first bike crash, so I'm
a member of the club now.
1007
00:59:30,259 --> 00:59:32,019
Don't like it. Hate biking.
1008
00:59:32,019 --> 00:59:33,139
It's a stupid idea.
1009
00:59:34,218 --> 00:59:36,418
My foot hurts quite badly,
1010
00:59:36,418 --> 00:59:38,259
cos the bike landed on it.
1011
00:59:38,259 --> 00:59:40,978
Got cracked ribs probably,
my elbow's ruined.
1012
00:59:40,978 --> 00:59:42,619
Look at my suit!
1013
00:59:43,899 --> 00:59:48,658
'Luckily, the Vespa was undamaged,
which meant I could catch the others
1014
00:59:48,658 --> 00:59:51,859
'and thank them for suggesting bikes
in the first place.'
1015
00:59:51,859 --> 00:59:54,939
You short-arsed little Birmingham...
1016
00:59:54,939 --> 00:59:56,418
faddy...
1017
00:59:56,418 --> 00:59:58,018
stupid...
1018
00:59:58,018 --> 01:00:02,378
"I've never been abroad
and I don't like it and I'm
with my piano-playing,
1019
01:00:02,378 --> 01:00:04,899
"idiotic friend!"
1020
01:00:04,899 --> 01:00:06,978
We're nearly there!
1021
01:00:08,098 --> 01:00:11,338
'Actually, the faddy
Brummie was right.
1022
01:00:11,338 --> 01:00:14,339
'It was no time for squabbling.'
1023
01:00:14,339 --> 01:00:15,898
What a journey!
1024
01:00:15,898 --> 01:00:18,739
700 miles on my bike.
1025
01:00:18,739 --> 01:00:21,219
250 miles on a train,
1026
01:00:21,219 --> 01:00:23,739
and about 50 miles on my face.
1027
01:00:23,739 --> 01:00:28,339
If we've done it... If we've nursed
these old, broken, tiny wee bikes
1028
01:00:28,339 --> 01:00:31,339
the length of Vietnam...
1029
01:00:31,339 --> 01:00:32,698
Ten miles to go!
1030
01:00:47,419 --> 01:00:49,459
Ha Long City! There it is!
1031
01:00:49,459 --> 01:00:51,058
THEY BEEP THEIR HORNS
1032
01:00:51,058 --> 01:00:52,298
Yeah!
1033
01:00:54,498 --> 01:00:57,019
We're in Ha Long City!
1034
01:00:57,019 --> 01:00:59,938
My little Minsk!
You little buffalo, you!
1035
01:00:59,938 --> 01:01:02,259
Ah! Ah! Ah!
1036
01:01:02,259 --> 01:01:04,899
We've gone from the South
to the North of Vietnam.
1037
01:01:04,899 --> 01:01:07,939
We've proved to the Americans
it's possible!
1038
01:01:14,339 --> 01:01:15,818
We did it!
1039
01:01:16,858 --> 01:01:19,618
Fantastic. I cannot believe all
three bikes...
1040
01:01:19,618 --> 01:01:20,659
METAL CLATTERS
1041
01:01:20,659 --> 01:01:22,738
Oh! Oh, dear.
1042
01:01:22,738 --> 01:01:24,738
Congratulations. Congratulations.
1043
01:01:24,738 --> 01:01:28,339
Congratulations. Wounded?
Yes, I am a bit. Well done, mate.
Good stuff.
1044
01:01:28,339 --> 01:01:30,939
That's it. I became a biker.
1045
01:01:30,939 --> 01:01:34,858
Oh, I'm being left
in the field of battle,
but a few beers and it'll...
1046
01:01:34,858 --> 01:01:37,659
What? That'll just be to say
congratulations.
1047
01:01:37,659 --> 01:01:42,459
It'll just... Open it. "Well done!"
It won't say that.
1048
01:01:42,459 --> 01:01:44,338
You think it'll say that?
1049
01:01:44,338 --> 01:01:47,218
Well, it is. "Well done." It doesn't.
What does it say?
1050
01:01:47,218 --> 01:01:49,578
It says, "You haven't finished."
Oh, come on!
1051
01:01:49,578 --> 01:01:51,138
No, well, that's...
1052
01:01:51,138 --> 01:01:52,378
But we have finished.
1053
01:01:52,378 --> 01:01:56,259
It says, "The actual finishing
point is...
1054
01:01:56,259 --> 01:02:00,178
"Bar Hang in Ha Long Bay.
1055
01:02:00,178 --> 01:02:03,178
"It's only accessible by water.
1056
01:02:03,178 --> 01:02:09,019
"It's probably a good idea to modify
your bikes so they can float."
1057
01:02:09,019 --> 01:02:11,698
No, but look on the bright side.
No. What?
1058
01:02:11,698 --> 01:02:13,978
No. No, think.
1059
01:02:13,978 --> 01:02:16,578
If it's possible here to get
a helmut made overnight,
1060
01:02:16,578 --> 01:02:19,818
it must be possible to get your bike
converted into...
1061
01:02:19,818 --> 01:02:22,218
a Jet Ski overnight as well.
It has to be.
1062
01:02:22,218 --> 01:02:24,019
I'm sure they do it all the time(!)
1063
01:02:24,019 --> 01:02:25,898
How hard can it be? Don't say that!
1064
01:02:27,099 --> 01:02:31,738
'So it was time to find a workshop
and cue the music.'
1065
01:02:31,738 --> 01:02:33,259
MUSIC: THE A-TEAM THEME
1066
01:02:35,259 --> 01:02:37,698
The wheels will be there and there.
1067
01:02:37,698 --> 01:02:40,378
# Da da-da da, Da da-da da... #
1068
01:02:45,658 --> 01:02:48,219
The engine needs to
be the other way.
1069
01:02:58,258 --> 01:03:02,779
The next morning, we stood
on the beach and looked out
over Ha Long Bay,
1070
01:03:02,779 --> 01:03:07,738
which was quite simply Vietnam's
biggest surprise.
1071
01:03:12,499 --> 01:03:18,259
It is a spectacular limestone maze,
and hidden in there somewhere
was our bar.
1072
01:03:18,259 --> 01:03:23,859
All we had to do was find it,
and luckily we had just
the machines for the job.
1073
01:03:28,219 --> 01:03:32,578
James had attached his bike to a
traditional fishing boat,
1074
01:03:32,578 --> 01:03:34,659
using the engine to power
the propeller.
1075
01:03:35,978 --> 01:03:40,219
You've just completely disassembled
your motorcycle. It isn't
a motorbike any more.
1076
01:03:40,219 --> 01:03:44,659
Front wheels, gone. Engine isn't
where it's supposed to live.
1077
01:03:44,659 --> 01:03:48,699
There's nothing in the rules that
says the engine has to stay
in the same place.
1078
01:03:48,699 --> 01:03:51,818
That...is magnificent! I know.
1079
01:03:51,818 --> 01:03:55,419
I've gone with the Minsk principles
of simplicity, you see.
1080
01:03:55,419 --> 01:03:57,698
I have a rudder,
steerable from the bars.
1081
01:03:57,698 --> 01:04:01,218
Cables, and then it's just a chain
drive down to prop and I'm away.
1082
01:04:01,218 --> 01:04:03,699
And that's just the standard pedalo,
sort of...
1083
01:04:03,699 --> 01:04:06,018
Yeah, this is a pedalo with
extra floats on it.
1084
01:04:07,498 --> 01:04:13,858
'I'd been even more ingenious,
turning my Vespa into a
Mississippi-style paddle steamer.'
1085
01:04:13,858 --> 01:04:17,979
Now, as it turned out, my simple
plan was very difficult
1086
01:04:17,979 --> 01:04:22,138
cos the Vespa weighs 940,000 tonnes.
1087
01:04:22,138 --> 01:04:25,618
So I needed four canoes
full of foam.
1088
01:04:25,618 --> 01:04:29,738
'The main problem though
is that with cracked ribs,
1089
01:04:29,738 --> 01:04:31,858
'I couldn't operate
the kick start.'
1090
01:04:31,858 --> 01:04:35,659
Could you start my engine for me,
cos neither of my legs are working?
1091
01:04:35,659 --> 01:04:38,299
As you're injured,
I'll reduce the price.
1092
01:04:38,299 --> 01:04:40,539
900,000 Dong.
1093
01:04:40,539 --> 01:04:42,659
'It was time for the off.'
1094
01:04:42,659 --> 01:04:43,738
ENGINE GROWLS
1095
01:04:43,738 --> 01:04:46,299
MUSIC: "Ride of the Valkyries"
by Richard Wagner
1096
01:04:46,299 --> 01:04:47,539
It's working!
1097
01:04:47,539 --> 01:04:49,618
I have propulsion!
1098
01:04:49,618 --> 01:04:51,818
Hey, hey!
1099
01:04:51,818 --> 01:04:54,939
'But then in true Top Gear
amphibious tradition,
1100
01:04:54,939 --> 01:04:57,499
'it all went wrong for James.
1101
01:04:57,499 --> 01:04:59,939
'First he crashed into me.'
1102
01:04:59,939 --> 01:05:02,539
Go away! I'm trying.
1103
01:05:02,539 --> 01:05:04,579
Why are you doing this to me?
1104
01:05:04,579 --> 01:05:06,778
It's that way, you blithering idiot!
1105
01:05:06,778 --> 01:05:08,859
'Then he crashed into some netting.'
1106
01:05:08,859 --> 01:05:10,539
Oh, bloody hell!
1107
01:05:11,739 --> 01:05:13,779
'And then as Hammond
and I got going...'
1108
01:05:13,779 --> 01:05:18,019
Yeah! Once you've got it going,
it's like...water-skiing! Woo-hoo!
1109
01:05:18,019 --> 01:05:19,779
'..he sank.'
1110
01:05:19,779 --> 01:05:23,139
No! No! Cock.
1111
01:05:23,139 --> 01:05:25,299
Why's it done that?
1112
01:05:25,299 --> 01:05:29,059
'As his boat was towed
back to shore,
1113
01:05:29,059 --> 01:05:32,378
'Richard and I thought about
going back to help...
1114
01:05:32,378 --> 01:05:34,179
'but we didn't.'
1115
01:05:35,818 --> 01:05:39,979
I did not expect anything like this.
1116
01:05:39,979 --> 01:05:41,818
It's magnificent!
1117
01:05:42,778 --> 01:05:45,859
James meanwhile on the beach, in
what can only be described
1118
01:05:45,859 --> 01:05:49,858
as a crashed airliner.
A scene from Lost.
1119
01:05:52,378 --> 01:05:54,978
I've found Hammond's spare pontoons
1120
01:05:54,978 --> 01:05:59,659
from the workshop over there.
I've employed these local blokes
to use the best traditional,
1121
01:05:59,659 --> 01:06:03,818
Vietnamese boat-building
knot technology
to lash it all together
1122
01:06:03,818 --> 01:06:08,419
to give me more buoyancy,
stop the stern falling into
the water and stop it filling up.
1123
01:06:08,419 --> 01:06:11,938
"Phut, phut"s away
and off I go, but I've got
a lot of catching up to do.
1124
01:06:12,979 --> 01:06:16,699
'Out in the bay,
there are problems too.
1125
01:06:16,699 --> 01:06:20,698
'My Vespa had stalled
and I needed Hammond's leg
to kick it back into life.'
1126
01:06:20,698 --> 01:06:22,739
OK. Ah!
1127
01:06:22,739 --> 01:06:24,859
Right. I'll get on my bike.
1128
01:06:26,059 --> 01:06:27,859
Ah!
1129
01:06:35,379 --> 01:06:37,059
ENGINE STUTTERS
1130
01:06:37,059 --> 01:06:38,259
BLEEP!!
1131
01:06:38,259 --> 01:06:40,539
That was truly ridiculous.
1132
01:06:40,539 --> 01:06:42,579
All we've got to do
is get back to yours.
1133
01:06:42,579 --> 01:06:46,018
Oh! Arse-y hell!
1134
01:06:46,018 --> 01:06:48,139
We're going well so far(!)
Very well(!)
1135
01:06:49,978 --> 01:06:53,139
'Half an hour later, my new,
improved boat was ready.
1136
01:06:53,139 --> 01:06:55,178
'So I set off in pursuit
of the others,
1137
01:06:55,178 --> 01:06:57,298
'and the illusive bar.'
1138
01:06:57,298 --> 01:06:59,258
Come on!
1139
01:06:59,258 --> 01:07:03,379
1,969 islands in here.
1140
01:07:05,578 --> 01:07:08,498
Bar Hang? Hello. Bar Hang?
1141
01:07:10,419 --> 01:07:12,899
Bar Hang? I think
he thinks we're idiots.
1142
01:07:12,899 --> 01:07:14,378
Come on!
1143
01:07:14,378 --> 01:07:16,058
Yes!
1144
01:07:16,058 --> 01:07:19,298
Where'd they go?
1145
01:07:19,298 --> 01:07:21,819
'We'd got desperate,
1146
01:07:21,819 --> 01:07:25,659
'and had even resorted
to looking in caves.'
1147
01:07:25,659 --> 01:07:30,498
You know when Attenborough travels
the world and goes to incredible
natural sights like this?
1148
01:07:30,498 --> 01:07:34,339
He doesn't usually pitch up on a
homemade amphibious scooter. No.
1149
01:07:34,339 --> 01:07:38,378
And that's where
he's been going wrong.
1150
01:07:38,378 --> 01:07:40,819
# It's not a big motorcycle
1151
01:07:40,819 --> 01:07:43,898
# Just a groovy little motorbike
1152
01:07:43,898 --> 01:07:48,219
# It's more fun than a barrel
of monkeys, that two-wheel bike... #
1153
01:07:48,219 --> 01:07:51,418
OK, if you've just tuned in to
Britain's favourite car show,
1154
01:07:51,418 --> 01:07:55,938
what's happened is, Richard
and I have driven into a cave,
1155
01:07:55,938 --> 01:08:01,418
looking for a bar that isn't here
and we have no reverse gear.
1156
01:08:02,818 --> 01:08:04,738
'Still...could be worse.'
1157
01:08:06,538 --> 01:08:10,738
God, that was going so well. My
traditional Vietnamese fishing knots
1158
01:08:10,738 --> 01:08:12,778
have come undone,
1159
01:08:12,778 --> 01:08:16,498
and my centuries-old fibreglass
outrigger has drifted away.
1160
01:08:16,498 --> 01:08:18,538
This is gonna work.
1161
01:08:18,538 --> 01:08:25,018
'After a 1,000 point turn, Jeremy
and I were out of the cave!'
1162
01:08:25,018 --> 01:08:28,419
I wasn't worried, I wasn't scared.
1163
01:08:28,419 --> 01:08:34,819
'And with only a few hours of
daylight left, we really couldn't
afford any more problems.'
1164
01:08:34,819 --> 01:08:36,538
Ah!
1165
01:08:36,538 --> 01:08:39,178
Water has got into
the electrical system,
1166
01:08:39,178 --> 01:08:44,938
and the 60,000 V is coursing through
everything that's metal,
1167
01:08:44,938 --> 01:08:48,298
including the frame on the boat,
the frame of the bike...
1168
01:08:49,459 --> 01:08:51,658
'Our bike-skis were in a bad way.'
1169
01:08:51,658 --> 01:08:53,098
Come on!
1170
01:08:53,098 --> 01:08:55,819
'But then...'
1171
01:08:55,819 --> 01:09:00,979
Life! There's life!
1172
01:09:02,378 --> 01:09:04,499
It's an umbrella! It's a bar!
1173
01:09:05,498 --> 01:09:06,619
Yes!
1174
01:09:07,979 --> 01:09:12,778
The little speck over there
is Hammond, I'm sure of it!
1175
01:09:12,778 --> 01:09:14,139
Hammond!
1176
01:09:14,139 --> 01:09:16,418
Hammond!
1177
01:09:16,418 --> 01:09:18,619
It's there!
1178
01:09:18,619 --> 01:09:21,898
'Sadly, there wasn't much I could do
with this information...'
1179
01:09:21,898 --> 01:09:23,338
BLEEP! BLEEP!
1180
01:09:23,338 --> 01:09:25,339
BLEEP! ..piece of... BLEEP!
1181
01:09:25,339 --> 01:09:28,699
'..because my steering was broken.'
1182
01:09:28,699 --> 01:09:30,418
All I can do is go in circles.
1183
01:09:33,298 --> 01:09:36,379
'And so it seemed the non-biker
would get there first.'
1184
01:09:36,379 --> 01:09:39,019
Come on!
1185
01:09:49,978 --> 01:09:51,018
Yes!
1186
01:09:55,059 --> 01:09:57,979
And that is how we do that.
1187
01:09:57,979 --> 01:10:01,659
'The question now was
would all of us make it
1188
01:10:01,659 --> 01:10:05,139
before the eight-day deadline
expired at sundown?
1189
01:10:05,139 --> 01:10:07,219
BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP! BLEEP!
1190
01:10:11,698 --> 01:10:14,938
Wah! I can't do anything cos I
haven't got reverse.
1191
01:10:14,938 --> 01:10:19,898
'Eventually, blind luck brought
Hammond close to the pontoon
1192
01:10:19,898 --> 01:10:23,659
'where I was sadly too busy
to help him moor.'
1193
01:10:23,659 --> 01:10:27,699
Just that bit of rope there, look!
That rope is long enough.
1194
01:10:27,699 --> 01:10:28,938
Swim.
1195
01:10:28,938 --> 01:10:30,018
No.
1196
01:10:32,379 --> 01:10:34,258
Come on.
1197
01:10:34,258 --> 01:10:35,738
Come on.
1198
01:10:35,738 --> 01:10:37,538
Another foot.
1199
01:10:41,019 --> 01:10:42,498
But your back into it!
1200
01:10:42,498 --> 01:10:45,898
'With the swan lined up, I gave
the engine a burst.'
1201
01:10:45,898 --> 01:10:47,379
ENGINE REVS
1202
01:10:47,379 --> 01:10:49,339
Ah! A-ha!
1203
01:10:49,339 --> 01:10:51,178
Damn it. Ha ha ha!
1204
01:10:51,178 --> 01:10:52,498
JEREMY LAUGHS
1205
01:10:52,498 --> 01:10:53,859
Yes!
1206
01:10:53,859 --> 01:10:55,498
Ha ha ha!
1207
01:10:55,498 --> 01:10:58,299
Using nothing but currents
and the wind,
1208
01:10:58,299 --> 01:11:01,059
Richard Hammond's idiotic Minsk
appears to have made it.
1209
01:11:01,059 --> 01:11:03,538
Have a beer.
1210
01:11:04,899 --> 01:11:09,579
'Now there were two of us to savour
this amazing location.'
1211
01:11:09,579 --> 01:11:12,258
I've just been finding out
about this place.
1212
01:11:12,258 --> 01:11:14,578
The people who live here
are born here.
1213
01:11:14,578 --> 01:11:17,698
They live here, they fish here
and they die here.
1214
01:11:17,698 --> 01:11:20,739
They never go on dry land.
Never go on dry land.
1215
01:11:20,739 --> 01:11:24,219
They spend their whole lives
floating? Yeah, they float around.
1216
01:11:24,219 --> 01:11:29,139
'Floating, though was becoming an
issue for our colleague, who'd just
lost his second pontoon.'
1217
01:11:29,139 --> 01:11:30,339
JEREMY LAUGHS
1218
01:11:30,339 --> 01:11:32,458
It's fallen apart.
1219
01:11:34,018 --> 01:11:35,018
Oh, come on!
1220
01:11:42,099 --> 01:11:43,699
THEY LAUGH
1221
01:11:51,498 --> 01:11:56,539
Yeah, when we left Saigon, "But I
think one thing I can guarantee
1222
01:11:56,539 --> 01:11:58,459
"is that my bike will make it"!
1223
01:12:00,139 --> 01:12:05,738
It's been quite a journey.
That's the way it ends!
1224
01:12:05,738 --> 01:12:07,738
I don't believe it!
1225
01:12:07,738 --> 01:12:09,099
THEY LAUGH
1226
01:12:09,099 --> 01:12:14,338
This is the worst arrival at a place,
ever made by anyone, James.
1227
01:12:14,338 --> 01:12:18,858
The fact is though,
it was an arrival.
1228
01:12:18,858 --> 01:12:21,098
Our little bikes had made it.
1229
01:12:21,098 --> 01:12:25,738
Oh, sure, there'd been breakdowns,
accidents and squabbles,
1230
01:12:25,738 --> 01:12:28,659
but through the rain,
the draining humidity,
1231
01:12:28,659 --> 01:12:30,739
the mad traffic
and the tricky roads,
1232
01:12:30,739 --> 01:12:34,338
they'd brought us 1,000 miles.
1233
01:12:35,498 --> 01:12:36,859
Nearly.
1234
01:12:36,859 --> 01:12:42,058
I have to say though
that despite the success,
I'm still not sold on biking.
1235
01:12:42,058 --> 01:12:45,539
There are good moments,
but it's mostly bad.
1236
01:12:45,539 --> 01:12:49,339
And I'm sorry, but our machines
were completely overshadowed
1237
01:12:49,339 --> 01:12:54,498
by this incredible, beautiful,
brilliant country.
1238
01:12:54,498 --> 01:13:00,619
It's hard to sum it up, really.
Perhaps that's why people when they
get back from this place,
1239
01:13:00,619 --> 01:13:02,259
"Vietnam...
1240
01:13:02,259 --> 01:13:04,618
AMERICAN ACCENT:
"You don't know, man!
1241
01:13:04,618 --> 01:13:05,779
"You weren't there!"
1242
01:13:28,138 --> 01:13:31,338
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
1243
01:13:31,338 --> 01:13:34,659
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
98175
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.