All language subtitles for Two.Men.Went.To.War.2002.WEB-DL.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].ENG

male announcer:
Meanwhile on the home front,

the war
has come to the kitchen.

Up and down the country,

housewives are showing
the enemy what they're made of.

Well done, mrs. Jones.

Who would have guessed
that a turnip could go so far?

The german pocket battleships,
scharnhorst and gneisenau

are still hiding
in the port of brest,

dodging
the allied bombing raids.

The atlantic won't be safe
until they're,

once and for all,
beneath the waves!

As the prime minister
hides aboard

one of our finest
navel destroyers,

winston churchill is proud
to thank the boys

who have been keeping
our convoys safe.

Excuse me.

Keep up the good work, and keep
brittania ruling the waves.

Excuse me.

Lord louis mountbatten salutes
his heroes home.

Following
the extraordinary bravery

shown by his newly formed
commandos,

lord louis is pleased
to shake the hands

of the men
who have shaken jerry rigid.

their valiant raid
on the western isles of norway

has been a triumph
of military strategy.

One grenade in the right place
and bang goes another jerry hq!

So watch out, adolf!

Who knows where our boys
will strike next.

by the right, quick March.

Left, right, left, right,
left, right,

left, right, left, right

Instructor: Fighting a war
means doing one's job

and in the field of battle,
gentlemen, every second counts.

One mistake
or one small miscalculation

and the results
can be catastrophic.

Let me tell you a story.

I was sitting in a shell hole,
surrounded by the enemy,

with not much left of the chap
to the right of me.

The chap to the left
was no better off.

Sitting beside me was a young
soldier screaming in agony.

Never seen anything like it,

rocking like a child,
clutching his head,

calling for his mother.

Believe me, gentlemen, toothache
in the field is no joke.

Know what I did?

I made a stopper
out of some brackish mud,

a shell case from my .38
and a clove of garlic.

The chap was back on his feet
and back in action

in under two minutes

and the enemy ran like buggery
when they smelled him coming.

But I'm serious, gentlemen.

what we do here
is frontline stuff.

All right, all right.

We've all seen the r.A.F.
Before,

and we all know what they do.

While they do their bit,

we'll do ours
with an impression tray,

a clear head,
and poly pliers -

the only ones you need.

let's get started, shall we?

Three reasons why we use

move!

wouldn't you say,
cuthbertson?

Sir?

Your war effort is
here in this room, private.

So let's not waste any time,
all right?

An army marches on its stomach,
cuthbertson,

and an army that can't bite
is an army that can't fight.

What's an army
that can't bite?

All:
An army that can't fight, sir.

Very good.

Well, upward and onward --
the use of china clay

in the shade matching
of dentures.

if you want to be lucky like
a baby with a silver spoon

just turn your money
in your pocket

whenever you see a new moon

if you want to be happy
like a baby with a toy balloon

just turn your money
in your pocket

whenever you see a new moon,
oh, yeah

whenever you see a new moon

man:
Want a cup of tea?

Sergeant: Yeah.
Give us a hand.

Hey, is this your mug?

Look at the state of that.
That's mold, that is -mold!

You could grow mushrooms
in that.

Oh,
just get on with it.

captain cuthbertson
to the rescue!

ah! Ah!
You saved us!

Cuthbertson!

What the bloody hell
are you doing in there?

Nothing, sergeant.

Don't lie to me, soldier.
Stand up -attention!

What the bloody hell
is that?

Uh, it's a hand grenade,
sergeant.

I know what it is.

What I don't know
is what it's doing in your hand.

Well, uh

Give it to me.

I said give it to me,
private.

Ooh,
don't pull the thing -

w-what do we do now?

Will it go off?

No. Not while I'm holding
the grip.

I'll go and get some help,
sergeant.

No, don't! Wait!

Put the pin back in.

I can't.

Why not?

'cause it's bent.

It's meant to be bent.

No, I know that but this one's
bentBent.

Man:
It's bloody cold in here.

Did you leave the door open?

I've got an idea.

You better not break it.

bugger!

What?

I think I've broken it!

Bugger.

No, it's all right.

come on, cuthbertson.
We've got company.

Do you think it'll hold
now I've bashed it?

man: Follow me!

where did that come from?

Bloody nowhere, sir.
The whole building's gone.

Anyone hurt?
Don't know, sir.

Man: Air raid sirens -
pick your feet up!

what do you reckon,
then?

Looks like
a thousand-pounder.

No, this a fart in the bath
compared to a thousand-pounder.

That was
a 550-pound bomb

dropped from the port rack
of a junkers 88.

How'd you know that,
regimental sergeant major?

Because I saw it.

well, don't
just stand there gawping,

start getting this lot
cleared up now!

All accounted for,
regimental sergeant major, sir.

Casualties?

A few cuts from glass -
nothing serious.

The colonel's wife swallowed
a prune stone.

Sir!

Everybody all right?
All present and correct,
sir.

The colonel's wife apparently
swallowed a prune stone, sir.

Bit of a mess,
isn't it?

Attention!

Stand easy.

Mm.

Bit of a mess, all this.

Any idea what it was?

Hut 29, sir.

What dropped it?

Oh, junkers 88, sir.

Must have had one left over,
sir.

So you don't think
they were aiming at us?

No, no. Right.
Point taken.

King: That was a bloody
hand grenade, cuthbertson.

You could have blown the whole
bloody place to kingdom come,

saved adolf the bother
of dropping that bomb!
Yes, sergeant.

You would've seen yourself
on the pathé-bloody-news then,

wouldn't you -
wouldn't you, private?

Y-yes, sergeant.

yes, sergeant.

Our services are not required
except for

And exclusively for
The pulling of teeth.

Is that clear?

I just want to fight
for my country, sergeant.

Your country
does not need you.

But you've seen action,
you know what it's like.

All I want is a posting,
sergeant.

The army wants you to do
what you're told.

I joined up to fight.

You joined up to follow orders
like the rest of us.

It's what we do,
private.

It's known
as doing our bit.

well, I don't want to spend
the rest of my war

sat on my bum
making dentures.

Get out.

congratulations.

king, heard the news?
Mowat's got the posting.

congratulations.

Thank you, sergeant.

I'll have a whiskey.

Whiskey.

Sorry, sergeant. Mess rules.
You're out of credit.

Then make it a double.

So

They chose mowat.

It was your

Age apparently,
not your experience.

On me, sir.

where are they
sending him?

Egypt, I believe.

It's all very hush-hush,
of course,

like everything else 'round here
that's common knowledge.

Hmm.

My money was on you.

looks like
you're here for the duration.

good luck.

Cheers, mate.

Uh, why don't you stay
and join us?

Why don't you piss off.

cheers!

Miserable bastard!

maybe you'll think of me

when you are all alone

w-what time is it?

Main gate. Five minutes.
Full battle dress.

we're gonna
move.

Hang out the washing
on the siegfried line

here comes the kaiser.

we're gonna hang out the
washing on the siegfried line

' cause the washing

poor little bugger.

whether the weather
may be wet or fine

we'll just rub along
without a care

we're gonna hang out
the washing

where are we going,
sergeant?

Gun hill and back?
The station.

The station? W--

whether the weather
may be wet or fine

we'll just rub along
without a care

we're gonna hang out the
washing on the siegfried line

if that siegfried line's
still there

halt.

bring your knee
up to your chest.

You got your pay book?

yeah. Why?

Give it to me here.

here.

What are you doing?

Posting it.

Who to?

The prime minister.

Come on.
We'll miss our train.

Where are we going,
sergeant?

If the mountain won't come
to mohammed

Mohammed must go
to the mountain.

What mountain?

Cornwall then France.

I've got dental anatomy
in an hour.

Fair enough.

Tell the c.O. That your pay book
is with winston churchill,

together with a letter

explaining you're on your way
to invade France.

Invade France?

Engineer: All aboard.

By the by, private,
just in case you were wondering,

you are absent without leave
as from now.

I hate dental anatomy.

King: Dear prime minister,

by the time you receive
this letter

we shall, god willing,
have landed safely

on the coast
of occupied France.

From behind enemy lines,
we will carry out

a land-based assault
on the port of brest.

Our objective is to destroy
the pocket battleships,

scharnhorst and gneisenau.

We are trained soldiers,

proud to be in the service
of his majesty

and willing, if necessary,
to lay down our lives

for our country.

As proof of identity
and evidence of good faith,

we enclose our army pay books

and conclude with the army
dental corps regimental motto,

ex dentibusEnsis.

from the teeth
comes strength.

we are your obedient servants,

sergeant peter king
and private leslie cuthbertson.

Just one grenade in
the right place is all it takes.

What's the right place?

Right in the belly
of the ship.

Liners, destroyers -

they're all the same,
oil-driven steam turbine.

One explosion, bang!
the whole bloody lot goes up.

I'm just going
for a jimmy riddle.

this is the queen mary,
sergeant.

Corporal: Pass and travel
warrant, please, private.

Oh, um

Got a problem have we,
private?

No, corporal.

King: Is this
what you're after, corporal?

Private cuthbertson.

Sergeant king.

Where are you off to,
then, gents?

Plymouth.

Weekend leave is it?
Yes.

A sergeant and a private
traveling together --

it's a bit unusual,
isn't it?

Is it, corporal?

Cuthbertson:
H-he's my uncle.

Yeah, uh, w-we're staying
with my aunt

His wife

L-linda.

Have a nice trip.

From now on, you leave
the talking to me,

all right?

But he believed it.

That's not the point.

Would either of you gentlemen
be interested

in a pair of silk stockings?

That'll be one and four.

Thank you.

I've thrown one
in for good measure.

Thanks very much.

That's all right.
Goodbye.

What are those?

Supplies.

We don't know when we're going
to eat next, do we?

And it's abroad.

Do you want one now?

No. And stop waving
those stockings about.

How long do you reckon
we're going to be?

Once we get a boat,
four days.

What if the letter
doesn't get to mr. Churchill?

I mean, I sent a birthday card
to my sister in durham

and it took six weeks.

She ain't half a fibber.

King: Bugger!

they're not
the only german battleships

no.
We'll find other ones.

Saint-nazaire.

What?

South of brest.

Full of u-boats.

U-boats,
yeah, even better.

Are you sure you don't want
one of these?

No.

Look, we don't want to do
anything

to draw attention
to ourselves.

Right.

Sorry.

So put those in the bag.

I can't.
They're full of uh -

something else.

Give them here then.

when the twilight is gone

and no songbird is singing

when the twilight is gone

you come into my heart

and here in my heart
you will stay

while I pray

drill sergeant: Turn.
Left, right, left, right

Man:
Has anyone got any ideas

because I'm running
out of patience here.

I will not have deserters
in my regiment.

We don't actually know
they are deserters.

Don't interrupt me, major.

I want these men found
and punished.

I absolutely will not have
this kind of behavior

in a time of war.

I want you to find them
and throw the book at them.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, sir.
Sir.

Bloody side show.

my prayer
is to linger with you

at the end of the day

cuthbertson:
What if we're caught?

We're in uniform.
We'll be prisoners of war.

Not by the germans,
by the english.

They'll already be looking
for us, won't they?

Can I help?

We're fine, thanks,
just looking for the harbor.

Follow me,
I'll show you.

that's a bit of luck.

Do you want a hand?

Thanks.

Not much here.

What with rationing,

we're lucky
to get anything at all.

may they still be the same

for as long as we live

that you'll
always be there

on holiday are you?

UhSort of.

Where are you from?

Uh

I'm afraid
I'm not allowed to say.

I meant
where do you live?

Oh, london.

It must be horrible
with all those bombs.

Yeah, you're, uh, better off
staying down here.

Two of our boys were killed
by mines last week.

Oh.

Your friend
doesn't look very happy.

No, well,
he's a sergeant.

So?

They have their sense of humor
removed at birth.

so where are
you staying?

Oh, don't know.
We haven't decided yet.

The pub's got rooms.
You should stay there.

Oh, right.

Thanks very much.

That's all right.

Bye.

Bye.

Uh,
which boat then, sergeant?

We need to get closer.

any of those will do.

We'll wait till it's dark
and then requisition one.

I've spoken to mum.
She says it's fine.

To anyone else
we're booked up,

but I won't have our brave boys
going short.

I've got a very nice double
with a sea view.

If you'd like
to step inside.

It's very kind of you.
Don't you mention it,
colonel.

Shall I take this in
for you?

What you got in here, then,
the family silver?

Now

The hot water is on
between 6:00 and 7:00.

When you've finished,
let me know

and I can use it
for the turnips.

It's not a problem.

No.

It's almost dark.

Give it ten more minutes.

I brought you some towels.

When you're ready,

mum says she's kept back
a couple of nice pilchards.

All right?

T-thanks a lot.

Towels.

By the jetty,

with the what's-it's-name
sticking up.

Er, mast. Got it.

I'll check the fuel.

Look
for the crank handle.

I've got it.

Tank sounds full to me.

are we
completely cast off?

We are, sergeant.

is there a brake
or something?

The bloody tide's
going out.

You'll have to get off
and shove.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to
get in too, sergeant.

Where was he last seen?
0500 hours, sir.

Leaving the barracks
with private cuthbertson, sir,

heading in the direction
of the railway station.

The station master thinks

they might have taken the train
to plymouth, sir.

Hmm

Plymouth.

Tell me, regimental sergeant,
what kind of spirits was he in?

Fine and dandy, sir.
First class soldier, sir.

Yes, yes, quite.
And off the record?

Barking mad, sir.

It's not a problem.

No.

We'll wait
until the tide's back in

and we'll give it
another go.

It's a good thing
we got the room, sergeant.

mum says, how do you like
your pilchards?

man on radio: We've been getting
a lot of letters

from listeners who advise
cooking with steamers.

Ross: Two pints of stout,
brenda.

Be with you in a minute,
ross.

More potatoes, private?

I'm fine thanks,
mrs. Fraser.

Are you sure the colonel doesn't
want something on a tray?

He, uh,
he says he's not hungry.

better?

Much.

You smell like
a damp dog.

I'm sorry about that.
I fell in the harbor.

It's all right.
I like dogs.

What were you doing
in the harbor?

I'm afraid I'm not allowed
to tell you that.

You could be anyone.
You could be a spy.

That's right. I could.

And walls have ears,
don't they?

that's right. They do.

is it very
Dangerous, what you do?

Oh, yes, very.

And are you going
somewhere dangerous now?

Yeah. Yeah.

You will be careful,
won't you, leslie?

Of course I will, emma.

I'll be fine.

Man on radio: British commandos
have seriously damaged

the submarine pens
and dry docks.

It will be months
before saint-nazaire

is operational again.

Did he say saint-nazaire?

I don't care.
I'm not interested.

It's not my fault.

It'll be high tide soon.

Get out of here,
get a boat, and go.

But where to now,
sergeant?

France.

We'll sleep during the day
and travel by night.

The whole place will be crawling
with men and machinery.

Move!

There's a war on
or had you forgotten?

travel by night

Crawling
with men and machinery.

Leslie!

What are doing?

Oh, for christ's sake,
get her sorted out.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?
You can't do that.

Emma, it's a secret
and very dangerous mission.

You can't tell anyone
we're here, all right?

I'll have to tell erin.
It's his boat.

No, you don't.
We told him already.

King: Cuthbertson!

I've got to go.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Take care of yourself,
leslie.

Morning, ladies.

All: Morning, arthur.

Woman:
How's the allotment?

Potatoes are coming on well.

Might have a cabbage
by christmas.

and how are the lovely
garden room girls this morning?

All: Morning, major.

Morning, arthur.
Morning, sir.

What has our prime minister
received today

from the great unwashed?

Nothing for the pm's eyes yet,
major merton.

Anything good
in the potty pile, daphne?

Eight death threats,

three requests
to open air raid shelters,

seven and six
in postal orders and

A cigar.
Ah!

Probably poisoned.

God bless the lunatics.

Do you know
that without them,

this war could be
really quite serious.

cuthbertson: Were you
ever married, sergeant?

What would I want to do that
for?

Did you ever ask anyone?

Why do you want to know?

I'm only interested.

Sorry.

Gladys.

Nurse gladys potter.

Stitched up my leg.

Field hospital,
passchendaele.

Tucked me in every night,
plumped up my pillow.

I asked her.
Really?

Really.

Do you want a bun?

They're a bit stale.

No, thank you.

So what did she say then,
this gladys?

She said she spent too much of
her life trying to mend people,

to be spending the rest of it

with someone who
smashed them up for a living!

That wasn't
very nice of her.

Eh,
she did me a favor.

morning, faith.

is he in?

He hasn't left, major.

It's
chucking it down outside.

Outside

Remind me again,
where is that exactly?

What is this doing here?
This ought to be upstairs.

Give it to me.

He's been
on one of his wanderings again.

Churchill: And don't come back
until you have something.

It's not been
a good morning.

Rommel advancing,
tobruk falling,

roosevelt telling him
how to run the war,

and it's not even 10:00.

Merton, get in here.

Faith, you look terrible,
get some sleep.

I can't see
a sodding thing.

Shh.

Keep looking.

Do they always shoot
deserters?

We're not deserters.

We know that, but do they,
sergeant?

Do you think
he's got it yet?

Has who got what?

Has the prime minister
got the letter?

Of course he has.

huh, oh!

Serg,
I-I wasn't asleep.

Shh.

Listen.

what's that?

What was that?

aah!

Woman: I'm so bored
of powdered egg, aren't you?

It gives me
the most frightful dreams.

Yes, but we all have to do
our bit.

Any word from ken?

Still on convoys,
as far as I know.

You know what they say,
no news is good news.

these are soldiers' pay books,
aren't they?

How much further
do you think?

Two or three hours --
got to be.

bloody hell!

Take the controls.

Keep your head down.

we need to find
a landmark.

what the hell's that?

Oh,
it's just some women.

they're going on
about some recipe.

What did you say?

Down there somewhere, sir,

some women are going on
about a recipe, sir.

what?

Speak french, do you?

No,
they're speaking english.

bugger!

Welcome home, private.

How could that happen?

We would have known,
wouldn't we?

We'd have known if we were going
'round in circles.

At least mohammed found
the right sodding mountain!

well, at least we tried,
sergeant.

Most people would have
packed it in at cornwall.

This is cornwall!
This is bleedin' cornwall!

We'll be a laughing stock
of the regiment.

We can explain, can't we?

explain all right,
we'll have to.

Bloody court martial.

I don't mind dying,
cuthbertson

But I won't be humiliated.

What
a complete bloody fiasco.

B-but we've still got
the boat.

I don't mind
giving it another go.

Do you want to
give it another go?

woman on radio: Then, there's
half a leek, one teaspoon

Have you got that?

Half a leek,
one teaspoon of mixed herbs,

and a teaspoonful of salt,
and then there's two ounces

Psssst!

Psssst!

Ah!

Sergeant?

Was that you, sergeant?

What are you doing?

What are you --

there's a german!

There's a german!

There's a sodding german!

run, rabbit,
run, run, run, run

run, rabbit,
run, rabbit, run, run, run

shall we go back
and kill him?

What for?
Well, he's a german.

I haven't come all this way to
shoot a kraut who likes cooking!

He's probably gone
by now anyway.

At least we're here,
that's the main thing.

Open wide, adolf!

The dentists are coming!

King: Cuthbertson!

Sorry, sergeant.

so, run, rabbit,
run, run, run

cuthbertson:
You don't have to tell me
if you don't want to.

King:
If you must know

It's cold, wet with more rats
than you can shake a stick at.

Blimey.

For 28 days you were bored out
of your senses,

and then on the 29th --
boof!

The sky lit up,
you got your head down,

ran like the clappers
and hoped

some other poor bastard got it,
not you.

Now, go to sleep.

D-didn't you save the life
of a general or something?

Oh, yes

General sir william hyde.
I was his driver.

What happened?

Nothing.

Go to sleep.

My dad was
in the trenches

At amiens.

He was one of the lucky ones --
he came home in one piece.

what are you doing?

Tapping.

Sorry.

It's a habit
when I'm nervous.

Well, stop it.

Did he

Say much, your dad,
about the trenches?

My dad?

Yeah.

I thought you wanted to go
to sleep?

I do

But I'd rather you talked
than tapped.

Not much.

He was killed by a tram
when I was three,

so I never really knew him.

He was just a face
at my bedroom door.

My mum always showed me
pictures,

and I think about him
sometimes.

He tells me off
in my head.

Not always, though.

Sometimes
I make him laugh.

Can I ask you something?

What now?

Why did you choose me?

Who else would be daft enough
to carry the ruddy grenades?

he'd like this.

It would make him smile.

Can you reach it?

I would
if you stood still.

Here.

Here.

You do it.
It was your idea.

Really?

Thanks.

Bloody hell!

How many of those buns
did you eat?

How many shall I cut?

Cut them all.

Gold side.
Keep your voice down.

It's a lot harder
than you think.

Ooh, did you see that?

You could have your eye out
with one of those.

I've got a good idea.

We'll make a list
of all the things we do

and then we can hand it in
at the end as proof.

We could even tot up
the damage.

How much do you reckon
these lines are worth?

Five quid each?

Well,
that's one, two, three

Well, that's --
that's 25 quid, the lot.

Depends what's
on the other end.

Ah.
That's a point. Four down.

So, supposing these go
to, like, the hospital

or the resistance, even?

Just suppose
you get on with it.

Still, 25 quid is 25 quid,
isn't it?

Well, it's not actually,
it's only 20.

What do you mean?

I left one.

What for?

In case of emergencies.

How much does cement cost?

What?

Well, I-if we were gonna blow up
a gun emplacement

I was trying to work out
how much it's worth.

What for?

Well

We put the damages
on the left-hand column

and what we think it's worth
in the right.

So, what are you,
a bloody accountant now?

No, listen.

I had a mate who bought
a riley roadster

before the war, right?

Now he was out there
every Sunday polishing it,

but the birds kept crapping
all over the bonnet.

So, what he did was,
he bought a garage.

Only problem is,

he reckons the garage
cost more than the car.

Has this got a point,
private?

Yeah, yeah, the point is,

I reckon that two garages costs
the same as one gun emplacement.

Sergeant?

Or to put it another way,
one gun emplacement

costs the same
as three riley roadsters.

You've got a head
like a toy box, cuthbertson.

when we gonna eat,
sergeant?

Hello?

Hello?

Hang on, sir.

Africa, that's
where we stand or fall.

I've got him, prime minister.
He's on the line now.

About time.
Put him through.

I want answers yesterday,
merton.

Lose africa
and we lose the med.

Hello?

No one here, faith.

One moment,
prime minister.

We lose the med,
then mortar's down the drain.

He's on line three,
prime minister.

Hello, monty.
How are you, old cocker?

Jolly good.

Now tell me something,
general

What do your knees look like
in shorts?

Cuthbertson:
sleep during the day,
travel by night, you said.

That's all right.

So far,
it hasn't been necessary.

crawling with men
and machinery, you said.

Thanks, private.

All we need do
is find a road or a signpost.

To where?

There's nothing to do.

It's fine.
It's not a problem.

There will be plenty to do
when we get there.

Cuthbertson: Get where?

There's no one around,
the whole place is shut.

Hello?

Anyone?

We're here!

We've invaded!

Shut up!

I'm starving.

I'm sergeant king,
how do you do?

Well, maybe we could get
something to eat or something.

Maybe we could steal
a car, sergeant.

Oh, yes.
Good idea.

Which one of the many fine
vehicles you see before you

would you care
to requisition?

First rule of survival
behind enemy lines, private --

live off the land.

oh, I'm sorry.

Oh

I-I'm english.

I'm

E-english?

Bloody hell.

I-I'm really sorry, ma'am.

I'm just so hungry.

I-I'll put it back.
Look, see?

Woman:

wrap it?

Er, do you --
do you want me to wrap it?

Can I go now?

thank you.

Thanks very much.

vivement la libération!

I was only getting
some food.

I don't know
what the problem is.

I did what you asked.

You said get some food,
and I did.

Anyone
could have been in the house.

the whole bloody third reich
could have been in the house.

We should be so lucky.

What?

Nothing.
Can we eat the pie now?

Don't you get lippy
with me.

Don't you get lippy with me,
son!

I'll knock the living daylights
out of you.

Said,
can we eat the pie now?

you've jeopardized
every step of this operation.

You've been like a-a kid
on a school outing,

buying buns,
waving stockings about,

cozying up
to your little cornish pasty!

Then when I send you off on a
simple task

to get us some food,
what do I find?

You canoodling up
to some french tart,

practically slipping her one
on the kitchen table!

Piss off.

Huh?

I said, piss off!
don't tell me to piss off.

No!

Everything you've asked,
I've done.

Every order you've given,
I've followed.

Where has it got us?
Nowhere.

Now, I'm a deserter.

I-I've nearly been drowned.

I'm tired. I'm hungry.

And whether you like it or not,
I'm gonna eat this pie.

I can't believe
you've done that.

No, I take that back.

I can believe it.

Look at you.

You know why everybody
calls you the kaiser?

'cause you're a jumped-up,
washed-up,

over-the-hill has-been.

Finished?
No!

You know what?

Back home, you command
about as much respect

as a fly on dog shit!
You ungrateful,
smart-assed little turd!

I gave you a chance.

Nobody else
would be stupid enough

to put a gun in your hand,
but I did.

I thought you had guts
and a head on your shoulders,

but you know what?

The only thing you're good at
is whingeing.

It's a good thing your dad died
when he did,

so he never saw the whining,
skirt-chasing tosspot

that his son had become.

Can you --
can you see anything?

Cuthbertson: Nothing.

A sign or something?

No.

we've got to find out
where we are.

I'll see
what I can find.

I didn't mean

What I said
about your dad.

I'll stand guard, then.

And sergeant

They -they don't all call you
the kaiser.

Yes.
You stand guard.

Yes, sergeant.

Yes, sergeant.

I-I'm sorry, sergeant.

I missed him.
He just got past me.

It's a train.

it's stopping.
It's waiting
for the signal.

Well, which one is it?

Must be one of these.

it's full
of bloody germans!

they're
on their way up!

Uh, oh, wait --
there's got to be a lock.

now try.

bloody hell.
Bloody hell.

Danke.

Supplies.

What shall we do
with him?

He'll tell someone
he's seen us.

drunk in charge
of a signal box.

They won't believe
a word he says.

mind the string.

How much do you reckon
a railway line's worth?

About 70 quid?

More.

80.

Put that away.

Ready?

what was that?

What's wrong?

I think
I heard something.

nah, it was nothing.

Bloody hell!

Gordon bennett!

I think I've gone deaf.

Have you gone deaf?

Looks buckled to me.

Does it look buckled
to you?

Yeah, definitely.

loose as old knickers,
that is.

I wouldn't fancy
traveling on it.

One grenade
in the right place.

just like you said.
Come on.

whether the weather
may be wet or fine

we'll just rub along
without a care

we're gonna to hang out the
washing on the siegfried line

if that siegfried line's
still there

let's find out
where we are.

You've got the matches.

ugh!
Is that cheese off?

Nah, it's french.

do you want some?

No, I want you to strike a match
so I can see what I'm doing.

Closer.

That's better.

Now, then, there's the railway
line so we're

Lancasters.

Lucky buggers.

Hold it still.

Sitting down to bacon and eggs
in half an hour.

Hold it still.
You and your belly.

oh,
you're still here?

So are you.

we're all still here.

Faith, you look terrible.
Is he still here?

No.

He's at a meeting
with the joint chiefs --

a chance
to make a break for it.

Oh, good luck.

Thanks.

A little more light reading
for you, major.

Oh, sorry
about the cigar ash.

He was
on one of his nocturnals again.

now,
this belongs up here, I think.

I don't know how we're
supposed to run a war

when the prime minister
keeps interfering.

churchill: Nobody listens!

Why won't the buggers
listen?

Faith.

oh, bad luck, faith.
10 feet short of the wire.

cuthbertson:
They look like teacups.

King:
Bloody big teacups.

What do you think?

Nah. Too risky.

What's that
fly swat thing?

Fly swat?

Looks like an aerial

or some sort
of listening device.

That must be worth
a fortune.

Come on.

We wouldn't make it
to the fence.

Move.

Well, it's just
over there.

You can see for yourself.

It's crawling
with bleedin' germans.

Well, of course
it's crawling with germans.

That's why we came.

I don't believe this.

You were gonna blow up
the scharnhorst

with one grenade.

Destroy saint-nazaire
singlehanded.

Now we find one piddly
observation post,

and you say
it's too risky!

Keep your voice down!

One hand grenade,
you said.

W-we've got a bag
of the bastards.

Well, if you won't,
I will.

You wouldn't last
five minutes.

I'll be out in four
then.

king: Once it's dark
and I'm inside,

I'll attach some grenades
to the fly swat,

move straight
to the ops room

with the remainder
of the grenades,

then up it goes.

Just a minute.
Where am I?

You're that pebble there.
What pebble?

By the fence, where we cut
through the wire.

Well, what am I
doing there?

Standing guard.

I don't want
to stand guard!

I didn't come all the way here
to stand guard.

I can stand guard
back in aldershot.

Cuthbertson,
I'm giving you an order.

Well, I'm disobeying it.

I'm younger and I'm faster

and I want to blow up
the fly swat.

You can't!
Why not?

Because whoever goes in there
is gonna die!

Then what's the point
in standing guard?

Here.
Take the grenades.

Blow your ass off.

You and your pissy medal.

It's got nothing to do
with my medal.

You can't stop
being a hero, can you?

I wasn't a hero.

Don't give me
all that tosh.

It's not tosh.

I changed a tire,
cuthbertson.

That's all I did.

What?
I don't understand.

the general was
in the backseat.

I didn't know
where we were.

A bombardment went up.

A piece of shrapnel
caught the front tire,

and we got a puncture.

And?

And general sir william hyde
told me to get out

and change it,
which I did very quickly.

A shell exploded
to the right of us,

the jack slipped,
the car fell on my foot.

I drove some 10 miles
with a smashed heel.

So you were decorated
for changing a tire?

Yes, I know, r.A.C. Patrolmen
do it every day.

Can we now get on
with the weapons check?

Uh

Two revolvers

And 20 rounds.

Grenades?

Five in the bag
and five in the nylons.

So, when was it
till you saw action again?

I didn't.

I was invalidated out, and
I joined the medical corps.

So you haven't done anything
like this before, have you?

No.

well, I hate
to say this, sergeant

But I wish
you hadn't told me that.

It's fine.
It's not a problem.

Four for the fly swat
and the rest for the ops room

and no one stands guard.

Agreed?

Ahh. Agreed.

Hope you've got a handbag to go
with them stockings.

you all right?

Yeah.

Through you go.

wait!

Cuthbertson.

Mirror.

right.

I can smell beef

And onions.

Now.

man: Kaiser, komm her.

Komm her, du bloder koter.
Komm her!

was denkst du,
was du da machst, hm?

Komm her.

Dummer hund.

Komm!

Bei fuss.

when you're ready,
blow the bastard.

I'll be in position.
Good luck.

bugger!

bugger!

german soldier: Halt!

cuthbertson: Pack it in!

Sergeant mohammed,
it's private mountain.

What kept you?!

we did quite a good job
of that.

Keep your eyes
on the road.

You driven
one of these before?

It's not a problem.

we couldn't have done
all that, could we?

Let's get the hell
out of here!

leslie!

Sorry to trouble you.

I'm looking
for a miss emma fraser.

Now, africa
is the absolute priority.

now -what the hell did I do
with that thing?

I-I want to know everything
that is going on out there.

When I say everything,
I mean everything.

I don't want a camel
to so much as break wind

without it ending up
on my desk.

Oh, here it is.

No, it isn't.

What the hell is this?

Not funny.

Now, I don't want
another shambles

like singapore, gentlemen.

hold up.

We're out of petrol.

Cop hold of that oar,
cuthbertson.

The oar?

We're not gonna row,
are we?!

No, we're gonna knit
a jumper.

It'll give you
an appetite.

One, two, three.

He's depressed.

He won't get out
of his cot.

Have you tried clemmie?

She's at dinner
with the archbishop
of canterbury, doctor.

He's an old man.
He needs a holiday.

Failing that, a victory.
Anything.

Something to lift
his spirits. Good luck.

Whose turn is it?
Yours.

I sat with him for an hour
last night reading --

kipling.

Why don't you go home,
faith?

Yes, I know

I look terrible.

I promised the king
victory, merton.

Gave my word
to the country.

I don't know
if I can do it.

Well, would you like
a whiskey, sir?

No, merton,
I don't want a whiskey.

I want a wander.

I don't know if this rabbit is
going to come out of the hat.

King: Cuthbertson

We've got company.

Come on.

It's bloody following us!

Throw something!

I bet it's one of ours.

It can't be one of ours!

That's not fair.

Not after
what we've done!

That's not fair!

Come on!
Blow, you sod!

Wie heissen sie?

7-5

3-6

3-9-4.

Sergeant king.

Was tun sie hier?

I don't speak german.

Was tun sie hier?

Sergeant king.

7-5

3-6

3-9-4.

1-0-5-1-1-4-3-6.

Private cuthbertson.

We're dentists.

have we got the girl?

She's on her way.
Good.

Is there any tea
in this pot?

Stewed, I'm afraid.

Right.

Yes, that's leslie.

Are you sure?

Positive.
Where were they?

Reconnaissance spotted them
in the channel.

Floating on some wood.

That was lucky.

That rather depends on how you
look at it, doesn't it?

I mean, we don't take
too kindly to spies.

Spies?

Yes.
Or deserters.

Don't worry.
We'll find out soon enough.

Out!

Prisoner escort.

Short! Quick!

March!

Emma: No, he said that

he had to do
something dangerous.

But he couldn't talk
about it, you see,

on account of it
being secret

and that
I might be a spy.

So the point is,
I know they're not spies

because they borrowed a boat

and said they were
going somewhere,

which must have been France
which is where the war is,

so they can't be deserters
either, can they?

Sorry. Do I sound
a bit muddled?

Not at all.
Thank you, miss fraser.

You may sit down.

Well, gentlemen

Let me tell you,

I've presided over many
court-martial in my time,

too many if I'm honest.
Not a task I relish.

But never before
have I been asked

to listen to such
appalling drivel.

You're deserters.

You know it, I know it,
everyone in this room knows it.

You ran away for a coward's
chance on easy street

and when your boat sank
on the way to ireland,

you invented this fairy tale
to save yourselves.

You know what sticks in my
throat more than anything else

is that even after
you failed to produce

one shred of evidence
in your defense,

you still persist
in this ridiculous

boy's own adventure of some
personal invasion of France.

You, private cuthbertson,
have brought shame

on the uniform
worn so bravely by so many.

You, sergeant king, you're
beyond contempt, frankly.

Not only have you duped
an impressionable

begging the court's
pardon, sir.

Who is this?
What does he want?

I'm so sorry, colonel,
but, uh

If I might crave
the court's indulgence

for a few moments?

Who are you?

I'd like to interview
the prisoners.

What?

I'm major
desmond merton.

Chief intelligence advisor
to mr. Churchill.

Now, I have here

A ground plan

Of some buildings.

Colonel: Major, these are
official proceedings.

Now, these buildings that
you see here, gentlemen

Do you know what they are?

Yes, sir.
It's a listening post, sir.

A cap de la hague, sir.

Interesting.
How do you know that?

It says so
at the top, sir.

Does it?

Oh, so it does.

Colonel: Major

One moment, please, colonel.

Now, would you say you are
familiar with these buildings?

Yes, sir.
I think so, sir, yes.

Good. What can you tell me
about them?

Well, that's
the fly-swat thing, sir.

The -the what?

The signal-receiver thing,
sir.

It appeared
to the uninitiated eye

to be a giant implement
for the swatting of flies.

I see.
What about these chaps here?

They're the two teacup
things, sir.

That is to say, they had
the general appearance

of teacups placed
on their side, sir.

They were outside
the perimeter,

so we left them alone.

Excellent. Right.

Now, what exactly was it
that you say you did?

Blew up the ops room, sir,
with grenades.

Colonel: Major

these men are disgraced.

They're guilty of theft,
deceit, and desertion.

You're not suggesting

there's any substance
to their story, are you?

I'm not suggesting anything,
colonel.

I'm merely trying
to ascertain the facts.

Now, this operations room.

Did anything strike you
as unusual about it?

No, nothing, sir.

Apart from the smell.

The smell.

The smell?
What smell?

Uh, beef and onions, sir.

Beef and onions?

Burned beef
and onions.

Colonel: Major,
I really must insist

Burned beef and onions!
Ah!

Thank you, colonel.
I've heard all I need to hear.

Well, thank god for that.

And in your opinion, major,
are they telling the truth?

No, sir.
They are not.

They didn't destroy
the operations room at all.

They destroyed the cookhouse.

colonel: I'm sorry.
I'm not putting up with this.

You can wave what letters
you like, major,

but unless you can substantiate
that claim,

I intend to pass sentence.

Oh, I'm sure
that I can, colonel.

How?

you're not gonna tell me
you were there, are you?

not personally, no, sir,

but the 2nd parachute
regiment were.

The paras were there?
Be quiet!

119 of them to be exact.

There were after
those two teacup things,

which you were good enough
not to blow up.

Their task was to break bits off
and bring them home

for our boffins
to play about with,

which they did.

There were reports
of an unexpected

and very useful diversion.

But until now, no one has
been able to confirm it.

Initially, we put it down
to the french,

but it just didn't tally.

Anyway, there we are.

Well done, gents.

And thank you, colonel,

for allowing me to clear up
that little puzzle.

Oh, yes, and I nearly forgot.

Message
from the prime minister.

He thanks you very much
for your letter.

It cheered him up no end.

He apologizes for the delay
in replying,

but he has had rather
a lot on.

However, next time
you're in whitehall,

he would be delighted to see you
for a cup of tea.

That is tea for king
and cuthbertson, sir, not

Well

Oh, yes

And, uh, here are your
pay books back

Which he has signed.

He didn't want you
to go short.

As he said to me

A few more lunatics like
those dentists, merton,

and I can win this war
by christmas.

cookhouse.
The bloody cookhouse.

Man: Well done, lads!

I'll see you in 28 days,
sergeant.

I'll be here, private.