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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,039
Oh, crap, my paper
on white pants is due tomorrow.
2
00:00:03,239 --> 00:00:07,238
I still haven't done any research.
All right, why...
3
00:00:07,239 --> 00:00:11,238
"d-don't you watch porn?"
4
00:00:11,239 --> 00:00:13,238
Oh, why don't I watch porn?
5
00:00:15,239 --> 00:00:17,238
♪ Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn ♪
6
00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:20,238
♪ Porn, p-porn, p-porn, tissue ♪
7
00:00:22,852 --> 00:00:25,938
2x13 - Sick Day
8
00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:28,238
I don't know.
I mean, I guess it's just
9
00:00:28,239 --> 00:00:30,238
another nursing home
I can't go back to.
10
00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:33,238
Dude, your spontaneous boners
are really becoming a problem.
11
00:00:33,239 --> 00:00:35,238
Uh, agree to disagree.
12
00:00:35,239 --> 00:00:38,238
Yo, mmm, pass me another
stack of Gary's mail.
13
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:41,173
Guys, you're never gonna
believe what I just saw!
14
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:42,238
- Sasquatch.
- Boobies.
15
00:00:42,239 --> 00:00:45,238
No, I was over at Gary's house
peeking in his windows.
16
00:00:45,239 --> 00:00:46,238
- Right.
- Uh-huh.
17
00:00:46,239 --> 00:00:48,238
And that son of a bitch
is sick as a dog.
18
00:00:48,239 --> 00:00:49,238
- Oh, good.
- That bozo can suck it.
19
00:00:49,239 --> 00:00:53,238
No, not good. You know these
delicious baby back ribs?
20
00:00:53,239 --> 00:00:55,238
Well, I stole them
out of Gary's smoker.
21
00:00:55,239 --> 00:00:58,238
What? That son of a bitch's germs
are all over these delicious ribs?
22
00:00:58,239 --> 00:01:01,238
That son of a bitch is trying
to get us all sick.
23
00:01:01,239 --> 00:01:03,238
- Son of a bitch.
- No, no, no, I can't get sick.
24
00:01:03,239 --> 00:01:04,238
You know I've got
that thing this week.
25
00:01:04,239 --> 00:01:07,238
Of course I know that. I'm the
one who booked the appointment.
26
00:01:07,239 --> 00:01:09,238
Whoa, wait a second, guys.
27
00:01:09,239 --> 00:01:10,238
You know how I'm deep
into super-couponing?
28
00:01:10,239 --> 00:01:11,238
- We're aware.
- So stupid.
29
00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:15,238
- Well... - Holy shit!
- So awesome!
30
00:01:15,239 --> 00:01:17,238
I know, right?
With all my coupons,
31
00:01:17,239 --> 00:01:19,238
the store basically paid me
seven cents a bottle
32
00:01:19,239 --> 00:01:21,238
to take all
this cough syrup home.
33
00:01:21,239 --> 00:01:24,238
Take that, Gary. So much for
your plan to get us all sick.
34
00:01:24,239 --> 00:01:27,238
So, uh, how much cough syrup
you think we need
35
00:01:27,239 --> 00:01:29,238
- to get all this Gary out of our bodies.
- I don't know.
36
00:01:29,239 --> 00:01:31,238
This stuff is supposed to be
pretty strong.
37
00:01:31,239 --> 00:01:32,684
Guys, we should probably
play it safe.
38
00:01:32,719 --> 00:01:35,238
- Yeah, smart.
- So, one bottle each?
39
00:01:35,239 --> 00:01:37,648
That sounds right.
40
00:01:39,239 --> 00:01:41,238
You know, I did eat
a shit-ton of those ribs.
41
00:01:41,239 --> 00:01:43,238
- As did I.
- Right, one more bottle, then?
42
00:01:43,239 --> 00:01:45,238
Yeah, that should do the trick.
43
00:01:47,239 --> 00:01:48,238
You know,
now that I think about it,
44
00:01:48,239 --> 00:01:51,238
I spent over an hour pressed up
against Gary's window.
45
00:01:51,239 --> 00:01:53,238
I was probably exposed
to a lot of Gary germs.
46
00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:56,238
Holy shit, we've been touching
his mail all afternoon!
47
00:01:56,239 --> 00:01:58,238
Okay, one last bottle,
just to be on the safe side.
48
00:01:58,239 --> 00:02:00,765
Down the hatch.
49
00:02:01,239 --> 00:02:03,738
If I can be brutally honest,
I don't hate the way
50
00:02:03,739 --> 00:02:07,238
- this stuff tastes over here.
- Yeah, it's all grapy and delicious.
51
00:02:07,239 --> 00:02:09,238
Mmm, and I'm gonna need
something to wash these ribs down.
52
00:02:09,239 --> 00:02:12,238
You know what?
Let me get some cups, some ice.
53
00:02:12,239 --> 00:02:15,238
We'll come back down here,
crack open a few more bottles,
54
00:02:15,239 --> 00:02:19,238
and plan our ultimate revenge
on Gary like civilized people.
55
00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:21,238
- I second that plan.
- Agreed. Mmm.
56
00:02:21,239 --> 00:02:25,238
Oh, it's times like this
I wish Barbara was still around
57
00:02:25,239 --> 00:02:28,238
to make me a bowl
of warm chicken soup.
58
00:02:28,239 --> 00:02:29,238
Nah, she'd probably just yell at me.
59
00:02:29,239 --> 00:02:30,238
Doorbell!
60
00:02:30,239 --> 00:02:32,238
Oh, who could that be?
61
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:34,238
Guys?
62
00:02:34,239 --> 00:02:37,238
- Disguises.
- Hi, you're gross.
63
00:02:37,239 --> 00:02:39,238
Dana, Andy, Matt, what's going on?
64
00:02:39,239 --> 00:02:42,238
It's us you jerk.
65
00:02:42,239 --> 00:02:44,738
Just your classic all the
cough syrup 'cause I've
66
00:02:44,739 --> 00:02:47,861
got an appointment to get
my hairs cut prank revenge.
67
00:02:50,239 --> 00:02:52,238
Suck it, Gary.
68
00:03:04,239 --> 00:03:05,238
911, what's your emergency?
69
00:03:05,239 --> 00:03:07,238
Hey, Wanda, it's me again.
70
00:03:07,239 --> 00:03:09,238
Oh, hey, Gary.
Do the guys need help?
71
00:03:09,239 --> 00:03:12,238
Yeah, better send an ambulance...
72
00:03:12,239 --> 00:03:14,238
and the fire department too.
73
00:03:14,239 --> 00:03:18,239
♪ Suck it, Gary ♪
74
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:23,068
Oh, God, I'm so sick.
75
00:03:23,069 --> 00:03:26,068
I feel like Lil' Sandy
at the Build-a-Bear Workshop.
76
00:03:26,069 --> 00:03:29,068
I'm stuffed.
I'm all... I'm all stuffed up.
77
00:03:29,069 --> 00:03:31,068
Anybody?
Roy?
78
00:03:31,069 --> 00:03:34,068
Ugh. I shouldn't have come into
work today.
79
00:03:34,069 --> 00:03:36,068
Hello, hello, SickTank...
I mean TripTank.
80
00:03:36,069 --> 00:03:40,068
Hey, man. I'm just a radical
dude with a fresh attitude.
81
00:03:40,069 --> 00:03:41,843
I don't play
by anybody's rules.
82
00:03:41,878 --> 00:03:43,068
Why don't I come down there?
83
00:03:43,069 --> 00:03:45,068
We could pop some grinds
on our skateboards.
84
00:03:45,069 --> 00:03:47,068
Ugh, I don't know.
I'm pretty sick.
85
00:03:47,069 --> 00:03:49,068
We'll just turn our caps
around backwards 'cause...
86
00:03:49,069 --> 00:03:50,726
Mom!
Shut the door!
87
00:03:50,761 --> 00:03:53,068
I'm on the phone!
Told you a million times!
88
00:03:53,069 --> 00:03:55,068
- Sorry about that, man.
- Ugh, no problem.
89
00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:57,068
Look, home-skillet,
why don't we go do
90
00:03:57,069 --> 00:03:59,068
some graffitis
down at the youth center?
91
00:03:59,069 --> 00:04:01,068
And then tonight maybe
we can wang-chung at the...
92
00:04:01,069 --> 00:04:04,068
Get grandma out of here!
93
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:06,068
Everybody out of the bathroom!
94
00:04:06,069 --> 00:04:09,068
I got to split, but I'll catch
you down low on the flip-flop.
95
00:04:09,069 --> 00:04:12,068
I'm dying.
96
00:04:23,069 --> 00:04:25,068
All right, my next guest
97
00:04:25,069 --> 00:04:27,068
just released a new album,
"Emoji Hearts"
98
00:04:27,069 --> 00:04:30,068
Please welcome the very
talented Amber Twinklez.
99
00:04:33,069 --> 00:04:35,068
So, Amber, how does it feel to have the
100
00:04:35,069 --> 00:04:37,068
- number-one single in America?
- It's crazy, y'all.
101
00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:39,068
A few years ago, I came
to this town with nothing
102
00:04:39,069 --> 00:04:41,068
but a promise ring and a dream.
103
00:04:41,069 --> 00:04:43,068
Now I'm about to go
on a 20-city tour.
104
00:04:43,069 --> 00:04:45,068
I just feel so doggone blessed.
105
00:04:45,069 --> 00:04:46,068
Aww.
106
00:04:46,069 --> 00:04:48,068
Well, I'm sure
that seeing your perform live
107
00:04:48,069 --> 00:04:51,068
will make a lot of children
around the country very happy.
108
00:04:51,069 --> 00:04:55,068
Yeah, well, my music isn't just
for, like, little kids or whatever.
109
00:04:55,069 --> 00:04:59,068
- Hail Satan.
- Huh. Well, I can attest to that.
110
00:04:59,069 --> 00:05:02,068
I, uh, sometimes catch myself
singing your hits in the shower.
111
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:06,068
♪ Emoji hearts
flying at me like darts ♪
112
00:05:07,069 --> 00:05:10,068
I'm not very good.
113
00:05:10,069 --> 00:05:12,068
No, my songs are not for humans.
114
00:05:12,069 --> 00:05:13,068
They are for pansexual,
robot dog-men
115
00:05:13,069 --> 00:05:15,068
- from the year 40,000 A.D.
- Woof, woof.
116
00:05:15,069 --> 00:05:17,068
That's really artistic.
117
00:05:17,069 --> 00:05:20,068
It seems like you're growing up
before our very eyes, Amber.
118
00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:23,068
That's just it.
When you're a celebrity,
119
00:05:23,069 --> 00:05:25,068
people don't want you to change.
120
00:05:25,069 --> 00:05:29,068
I love my fans, but I need the
freedom to discover who I really am.
121
00:05:31,069 --> 00:05:33,068
And if that means
reinventing myself,
122
00:05:33,069 --> 00:05:35,068
I just hope people
won't hate me for that.
123
00:05:35,069 --> 00:05:37,068
That's great.
That's so great.
124
00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:40,068
Is there any... anything else?
125
00:05:40,069 --> 00:05:43,068
Well, um, thank you for coming
on the... the program, Amber?
126
00:05:43,069 --> 00:05:47,068
Oh, no, thank you for having me.
127
00:05:47,069 --> 00:05:48,068
You're a real mensch.
128
00:05:48,069 --> 00:05:50,609
And everyone, please,
but the album.
129
00:05:50,644 --> 00:05:53,673
My grandkids, they love it,
and I think you will too.
130
00:05:53,708 --> 00:05:58,068
Amber Twinklez, everyone.
131
00:05:58,069 --> 00:06:01,496
Sorry. I have a thing.
132
00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:19,068
That'll teach you to...
God damn it.
133
00:06:21,069 --> 00:06:23,068
That'll teach you...
Ah, son of a bitch.
134
00:06:38,171 --> 00:06:40,170
Whoa, Steve, what the hell
happened to you, man?
135
00:06:40,171 --> 00:06:43,670
You look like
a steaming pile of dog shit.
136
00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:44,670
Roy, is that you?
137
00:06:44,671 --> 00:06:46,670
Come closer, I can barely
make out your shape.
138
00:06:46,671 --> 00:06:48,670
I think you're sick, man.
139
00:06:48,671 --> 00:06:49,670
You shouldn't have come in
to work today.
140
00:06:49,671 --> 00:06:51,670
I feel all kinds of weird,
141
00:06:51,671 --> 00:06:54,670
like I'm a figment
of someone else's imagination,
142
00:06:54,671 --> 00:06:56,670
a construct that only exists
to answer these phones
143
00:06:56,671 --> 00:06:59,670
- and verbally joust with you.
- Damn, son, you are sick.
144
00:06:59,671 --> 00:07:02,670
Don't worry, though.
Old Roy's got you covered.
145
00:07:02,671 --> 00:07:04,670
Now, where is it?
Let me see.
146
00:07:04,671 --> 00:07:06,670
Aha. Here we go.
147
00:07:06,671 --> 00:07:08,670
It's my own small-batch
homemade wellness elixir.
148
00:07:08,671 --> 00:07:10,670
I call it Roy-batussin.
149
00:07:10,671 --> 00:07:12,670
This shit will make you
right as rain, man.
150
00:07:12,671 --> 00:07:14,670
So what is it, like,
holistic herbs and stuff?
151
00:07:14,671 --> 00:07:16,670
Nah, man, none of that hippie shit.
152
00:07:16,671 --> 00:07:18,670
The active ingredient is petroleum.
153
00:07:18,671 --> 00:07:21,670
- And it works?
- Down the hatch.
154
00:07:22,671 --> 00:07:24,670
Tastes like bananas?
155
00:07:24,671 --> 00:07:26,670
That's the banana
Now & Later, man.
156
00:07:26,671 --> 00:07:29,670
I put it in there to cover
up the embalming fluid.
157
00:07:29,671 --> 00:07:33,670
God, it smells like a swamp in here.
158
00:07:33,671 --> 00:07:36,670
Another full C-bag?
Ugh. This is the third one today.
159
00:07:36,671 --> 00:07:39,670
Girl, they don't pay you enough.
160
00:07:41,671 --> 00:07:43,670
What the hell was that?
161
00:07:46,671 --> 00:07:47,670
Oh, my God.
162
00:07:47,671 --> 00:07:48,670
Dr. Schwartz, come quick!
163
00:07:48,671 --> 00:07:51,670
The Codeine Three are
waking up from their comas.
164
00:07:53,671 --> 00:07:56,670
It's okay, it's okay.
Take your time.
165
00:07:56,671 --> 00:07:58,670
I'm here.
What are you trying to say?
166
00:07:58,671 --> 00:08:03,670
Suuuc. Iiiit.
167
00:08:03,671 --> 00:08:06,670
- Did you just say, "Suck it"?
- Suck it!
168
00:08:06,671 --> 00:08:08,670
- Suck it! Suck it!
- Suck it! Suck it!
169
00:08:08,671 --> 00:08:12,670
Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!
170
00:08:12,671 --> 00:08:14,670
Suck it, Gary!
171
00:08:14,671 --> 00:08:18,670
Yes, they're okay.
My guys are okay.
172
00:08:18,671 --> 00:08:21,670
- Sounds like they're gonna be all right.
- I'm gonna be all right, too,
173
00:08:21,671 --> 00:08:23,670
now that you're giving me
one of your kidneys.
174
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,670
Wait. I thought I was getting
one of your kidneys.
175
00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:29,670
♪ Suck it, Gary ♪
176
00:08:37,671 --> 00:08:38,670
Hmm.
177
00:08:38,671 --> 00:08:41,670
Going to send this one to ninjabuddy08.
178
00:08:41,671 --> 00:08:46,670
Slide up in that bitch DMs like haha.
You know you like it.
179
00:08:46,671 --> 00:08:48,670
And look at the size of...
180
00:08:49,671 --> 00:08:52,670
- Sir.
- Yes. Has the target been spotted?
181
00:08:52,671 --> 00:08:55,670
Yes, sir, the mob
boss Franky Fingerstink
182
00:08:55,671 --> 00:08:58,670
and his entourage meeting in
The Tea Bagger fine China shop.
183
00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:00,670
Clearly a front for their true hideout.
184
00:09:00,671 --> 00:09:03,670
This is to be done
in the true ninja way...
185
00:09:03,671 --> 00:09:07,670
quickly, discreetly,
and, above all else, silently.
186
00:09:07,671 --> 00:09:11,670
Send the "dispatchment" team in
now.
187
00:09:11,671 --> 00:09:14,670
Uh, sir, there is already
an assassin on the scene.
188
00:09:14,671 --> 00:09:18,670
Yeah, we, uh, told him we had it,
but he kind of insisted.
189
00:09:18,671 --> 00:09:22,670
Yeah, uh, in a rather loud manner.
190
00:09:22,671 --> 00:09:25,670
Oh, Lord, no.
191
00:09:25,671 --> 00:09:28,670
All right, all right.
This meeting will come to order.
192
00:09:28,671 --> 00:09:31,670
First order of business...
anybody caught posting selfies
193
00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:33,670
on the organized life
in crime style Web page
194
00:09:33,671 --> 00:09:35,670
will be immediately shot in the face.
195
00:09:36,671 --> 00:09:37,670
Wha... What the hell?
What the hell just happened?
196
00:09:37,671 --> 00:09:41,670
I bet you spaghetti-slurping
mother[bleep] wondering
197
00:09:41,671 --> 00:09:42,670
what the hell
just happened, huh?
198
00:09:42,671 --> 00:09:44,670
Well, yeah, which would explain
199
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:45,670
why I just asked,
"What the hell just happened?"
200
00:09:45,671 --> 00:09:48,670
You're asking yourselves
"Where did the lights go?"
201
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,670
"Why am I suddenly
shrouded in darkness
202
00:09:50,671 --> 00:09:52,670
being tormented
by the angel of death?"
203
00:09:52,671 --> 00:09:53,670
Why?
Oh, shit.
204
00:09:53,671 --> 00:09:56,670
Hey, while that guy was yelling,
I found the light switch.
205
00:09:56,671 --> 00:09:57,670
Right, now, where was I?
206
00:09:57,671 --> 00:10:00,670
Oh, yeah... tormented
by the angel of death,
207
00:10:00,671 --> 00:10:02,670
waiting in darkness
to be slain by the greatest...
208
00:10:02,671 --> 00:10:04,670
- God damn it.
- Hey, I got the sandwiches.
209
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:06,670
You guys sitting around
in the dark for?
210
00:10:06,671 --> 00:10:08,670
- Holy...
- Your time in near!
211
00:10:08,671 --> 00:10:12,670
All you bitches will taste
my cold mother[bleep] steel!
212
00:10:12,671 --> 00:10:14,670
Why's he yelling?
I thought ninjas were
213
00:10:14,671 --> 00:10:16,670
supposed to be, like, quiet
and stealthy and shit.
214
00:10:16,671 --> 00:10:18,670
Yeah, I was just thinking
the same thing.
215
00:10:18,671 --> 00:10:20,670
And why is he wearing
fluorescent colors?
216
00:10:20,671 --> 00:10:22,670
You can see this guy coming
a mile away.
217
00:10:22,671 --> 00:10:24,670
Yeah, not very stealthy at all.
218
00:10:24,671 --> 00:10:26,670
- Pretty shitty as far as ninjas go.
- Yeah, pretty shitty,
219
00:10:26,671 --> 00:10:30,670
by the way, I am impressed with
your usage of the word "stealthy."
220
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:32,670
Yeah, I've been doing
a bit of reading lately,
221
00:10:32,671 --> 00:10:34,670
you know, in between beating
guys to death with baseball bats
222
00:10:34,671 --> 00:10:37,670
and shooting people
in the head and whatnot,
223
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:38,670
you know, trying to be
a better me, you know?
224
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,670
Yeah, I definitely see a difference.
225
00:10:40,671 --> 00:10:42,670
- Well, thanks for noticing.
- Don't mention...
226
00:10:42,671 --> 00:10:46,670
My sword is making you all his bitch!
I'm in your ass with no kiss!
227
00:10:46,671 --> 00:10:49,670
Is he rhyming?
Is this guy rhyming while talking?
228
00:10:49,671 --> 00:10:50,670
God, that's annoying.
229
00:10:50,671 --> 00:10:53,670
This is easily the most annoying
ninja I have ever dealt with.
230
00:10:53,671 --> 00:10:55,670
Well, I mean,
it's the only ninja I...
231
00:10:55,671 --> 00:10:59,670
Death is my business, bitch, and
business... Oh, shit, my foot.
232
00:10:59,671 --> 00:11:01,670
Is this guy serious?
He's the ninja?
233
00:11:01,671 --> 00:11:03,670
The [bleep] ninja tripping
over things in the dark?
234
00:11:03,671 --> 00:11:06,670
- And business is good!
- Yeah, and I'm pretty sure
235
00:11:06,671 --> 00:11:09,670
that's a catch phrase
from some movie or some shit.
236
00:11:09,671 --> 00:11:12,670
What you gonna do when
I lay my vengeance down on you?
237
00:11:12,671 --> 00:11:15,670
He just mixed Hulk Hogan with
Samuel Jackson from "Pulp Fiction."
238
00:11:15,671 --> 00:11:16,670
I can't take no more of this.
239
00:11:16,671 --> 00:11:20,671
- You shoot me, I shoot you?
- Deal. Sweet relief.
240
00:11:22,671 --> 00:11:24,670
It's like I'm walking on sunshine!
241
00:11:24,671 --> 00:11:26,670
Buckle up, buddy.
It's kicking in.
242
00:11:26,671 --> 00:11:28,670
God, I wish I had a father.
243
00:11:28,671 --> 00:11:30,670
Hello, TripTank.
244
00:11:30,671 --> 00:11:32,670
Hey, Steve, it's Coach Craig
from high school.
245
00:11:32,671 --> 00:11:35,670
Have you still been doing
your push-ups, Steve?
246
00:11:35,671 --> 00:11:36,670
I bet you have.
I bet you're shredded, boy.
247
00:11:36,671 --> 00:11:38,670
I bet you look like Vin Diesel.
248
00:11:38,671 --> 00:11:40,670
Yeah, I do look like Vin Diesel.
249
00:11:40,671 --> 00:11:41,815
No, you don't.
You a liar.
250
00:11:41,850 --> 00:11:43,670
You were a fat sack of shit
in high school,
251
00:11:43,671 --> 00:11:45,670
and you're probably still
a fat sack of shit now.
252
00:11:45,671 --> 00:11:47,670
I bet your body look like
ten fat bitching hugging.
253
00:11:47,671 --> 00:11:50,670
It does. It does.
254
00:11:50,671 --> 00:11:52,670
Goddamn, boy.
Have some self-respect, Steve.
255
00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:54,670
The best thing
you ever did was repeat a grade.
256
00:11:54,671 --> 00:11:58,670
So I got an extra year of telling you
what a fat sack of shit you were.
257
00:11:58,671 --> 00:12:00,670
Yeah, that was
the best year of my life!
258
00:12:00,671 --> 00:12:02,670
Hey, who do I talk to
about getting one of them, uh,
259
00:12:02,671 --> 00:12:05,670
"TripTank" T-shirts with
your stupid fat face on them?
260
00:12:05,671 --> 00:12:07,670
Let me transfer you.
261
00:12:17,621 --> 00:12:19,620
- You feel that?
- Feel what?
262
00:12:19,621 --> 00:12:21,620
- I'm Shrek.
- What?
263
00:12:21,621 --> 00:12:22,620
- What?
- You just said you were Shrek.
264
00:12:22,621 --> 00:12:23,620
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
265
00:12:23,621 --> 00:12:25,620
Why would you just
be standing there
266
00:12:25,621 --> 00:12:26,620
and all of the sudden
say you were Shrek?
267
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:27,620
Are you Shrek?
Are you Shrek?
268
00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:29,620
Oh, you got to tell me
if you're Shrek!
269
00:12:29,621 --> 00:12:31,620
You got to [bleep] tell me, man!
270
00:12:31,621 --> 00:12:34,620
I-I could smell a Shrek
a million miles away.
271
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:37,620
Huh? Huh? Huh?
272
00:12:37,621 --> 00:12:38,620
This is TripTank.
How can I help you?
273
00:12:38,621 --> 00:12:40,620
Hi. Yeah, this is Deon Salisbury...
no relation.
274
00:12:40,621 --> 00:12:43,620
I'm the lead singer for the band
Sally Field's Hairy Pussy.
275
00:12:43,621 --> 00:12:44,620
Wow.
That's a really great band name.
276
00:12:44,621 --> 00:12:45,620
Anyway, we wrote
a theme song for you guys.
277
00:12:45,621 --> 00:12:47,620
I'd like to sing it.
Here it goes.
278
00:12:47,621 --> 00:12:49,620
- Uh... we can't take unsolicited...
- Two, three, four...
279
00:12:49,621 --> 00:12:50,620
♪ TripTank,
eat a bag of dicks ♪
280
00:12:50,621 --> 00:12:52,620
♪ TripTank,
you're a piece of shit ♪
281
00:12:52,621 --> 00:12:54,620
♪ TripTank ♪
282
00:12:54,621 --> 00:12:56,620
♪ TripTank ♪
- Well, it is catchy.
283
00:12:58,621 --> 00:13:00,620
Settle down, everybody.
Settle down.
284
00:13:00,621 --> 00:13:02,620
Everyone settle down.
Back to your seats.
285
00:13:02,621 --> 00:13:06,620
As you know, gigantic insects
have taken the city under siege.
286
00:13:06,621 --> 00:13:09,620
There's a pretty good chance that
we're the only ones still alive.
287
00:13:09,621 --> 00:13:11,620
Let's start with the skyscraper-sized,
288
00:13:11,621 --> 00:13:14,620
armored, intergalactic battle spiders.
289
00:13:17,621 --> 00:13:19,620
Our team of scientists
have come up
290
00:13:19,621 --> 00:13:22,620
with conclusive evidence
that the spiders are pretty big
291
00:13:22,621 --> 00:13:23,620
and covered in eyeballs.
292
00:13:23,621 --> 00:13:25,620
The trick is you got to stab
them in the red eyeball,
293
00:13:25,621 --> 00:13:26,620
which is on their belly.
294
00:13:26,621 --> 00:13:29,620
You, with the dumb hat,
uh, what's your question?
295
00:13:29,621 --> 00:13:30,620
No, not you, the other one.
296
00:13:30,621 --> 00:13:33,620
Mr. Mayor, did you or
did you not cheat on your wife
297
00:13:33,621 --> 00:13:37,602
- with your hair stylist?
- We've been over these allegations.
298
00:13:37,637 --> 00:13:38,620
You, with the pirate getup.
299
00:13:38,621 --> 00:13:42,620
Yar, the hair stylist,
did she swab your deck?
300
00:13:42,621 --> 00:13:44,620
The world needs to know.
301
00:13:44,621 --> 00:13:48,620
I had no such affair.
Now back to the apocalyptic insects.
302
00:13:51,621 --> 00:13:52,620
You, with the face transplant.
303
00:13:52,621 --> 00:13:54,620
I've never slept with a woman.
304
00:13:54,621 --> 00:13:58,620
I was wondering if you could give
me some tips in that department.
305
00:13:58,621 --> 00:14:03,620
I will only, only answer questions
about the insect invasion!
306
00:14:03,621 --> 00:14:06,620
Does anyone have any questions
about the insects?
307
00:14:06,621 --> 00:14:08,620
Are you guys serious right now?
308
00:14:08,621 --> 00:14:11,620
You, sir, the one
in the baby getup, please.
309
00:14:11,621 --> 00:14:13,885
Yes, uh, thank you, Mr. Mayor.
310
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,620
I'm sorry.
That just happens sometimes.
311
00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:17,620
It's... W-We know
about your condition.
312
00:14:17,621 --> 00:14:18,620
Thank you, thank you.
I'll continue.
313
00:14:18,621 --> 00:14:20,620
If you were a giant centipede,
would you have
314
00:14:20,621 --> 00:14:23,120
- crazy, hot centipede sex...
- Pretty sure I'd be destroying
315
00:14:23,121 --> 00:14:24,620
the building we're in right now
316
00:14:24,621 --> 00:14:26,620
because that's what
the centipedes are doing!
317
00:14:26,621 --> 00:14:30,620
Get down, everybody!
They're coming in!
318
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:31,620
Now, don't you see?
319
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:34,620
We're all dead men
if we don't work together.
320
00:14:34,621 --> 00:14:36,620
- You, in the lobster suit.
- Thank you.
321
00:14:36,621 --> 00:14:40,620
Earlier this morning, my wife
and my, uh... my two children
322
00:14:40,621 --> 00:14:44,273
- were eaten by the bigger slugs.
- You didn't pour any salt on them?
323
00:14:44,308 --> 00:14:45,620
- No, I...
- Yeah, when you pour salt
324
00:14:45,621 --> 00:14:49,620
- on a slug, it just dies.
- Oh, my God. I have so much salt,
325
00:14:49,621 --> 00:14:51,620
and they're so big,
and they move so slow.
326
00:14:51,621 --> 00:14:53,620
I could've...
I just need to push past that.
327
00:14:53,621 --> 00:14:55,675
Sorry to hear about your loss.
What's your question, bud?
328
00:14:55,710 --> 00:15:00,620
My wife, who was dying in my arms,
her last words to me were...
329
00:15:00,621 --> 00:15:03,620
I can't believe the mayor
cheated on his wife.
330
00:15:03,621 --> 00:15:05,620
And then she died for, like, a second,
331
00:15:05,621 --> 00:15:07,620
and then she came back,
and then she said the words...
332
00:15:07,621 --> 00:15:10,620
- "Hair stylist."
- And then she died again.
333
00:15:10,621 --> 00:15:14,620
Then she came back one last time.
Then she straight up died.
334
00:15:14,621 --> 00:15:16,620
There's not one question
in that whole paragraph.
335
00:15:16,621 --> 00:15:17,620
- You just had...
- You didn't let me finish.
336
00:15:17,621 --> 00:15:21,274
My question is,
"Did you have that affair?"
337
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:24,160
Oh, thank God.
338
00:15:29,621 --> 00:15:32,620
American reliance on Hispanic labor
339
00:15:32,621 --> 00:15:33,620
has reached an all-time high.
340
00:15:33,621 --> 00:15:35,620
In order to deal with the overflow
341
00:15:35,621 --> 00:15:38,620
of emergency calls,
911 has opted to create
342
00:15:38,621 --> 00:15:41,620
another, cheaper emergency
calling service...
343
00:15:41,621 --> 00:15:44,620
811, or Mexican 911.
344
00:15:44,621 --> 00:15:48,620
Oh, my God, as if anyone's
ever gonna use that. Ugh.
345
00:15:50,621 --> 00:15:52,620
Ow, my leg!
Somebody help!
346
00:15:52,621 --> 00:15:54,620
God! Okay, wai...
[phone beeping]
347
00:15:56,621 --> 00:15:59,620
- Hello, this is 911.
- Uh, hi. I had an accident.
348
00:15:59,621 --> 00:16:01,620
Due to an overflow of calls,
we're going to have
349
00:16:01,621 --> 00:16:03,425
- to put you on hold.
- What?
350
00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:04,620
Your current wait time is only...
351
00:16:04,621 --> 00:16:09,620
- 2 hours and 59 minutes.
- Are you kidding me?
352
00:16:09,621 --> 00:16:10,620
What am I going to do?
353
00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:13,620
Oh, shit. Am I doing this?
354
00:16:13,621 --> 00:16:15,620
- Okay.
- Hola.
355
00:16:15,621 --> 00:16:18,620
Hello? I had an accident,
and I need help.
356
00:16:18,621 --> 00:16:21,620
¿Usted necesita ayuda?
357
00:16:21,621 --> 00:16:25,620
Uh, ¿sí?
I hurt my leg.
358
00:16:25,621 --> 00:16:27,620
Estamos enviando un equipo
de la respuesta
359
00:16:27,621 --> 00:16:29,620
- de emergencia a su casa.
- Um...
360
00:16:29,621 --> 00:16:31,620
¿Usted necesita
todo lo demás?
361
00:16:31,621 --> 00:16:34,808
- No?
- Bueno, gracias, señor.
362
00:16:34,843 --> 00:16:36,620
Hey, I'm in here!
363
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:38,620
I-I broke my leg.
I need help.
364
00:16:47,621 --> 00:16:49,620
Wait, wait.
This... I...
365
00:16:49,621 --> 00:16:51,620
I'm in pain.
Can you help me, please?
366
00:16:51,621 --> 00:16:53,620
Are we gonna get to the leg?
367
00:16:53,621 --> 00:16:57,620
Are you guys gonna get to the leg?
368
00:17:00,621 --> 00:17:02,620
What the...
369
00:17:05,621 --> 00:17:06,620
Whoa.
370
00:17:08,621 --> 00:17:09,620
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?
371
00:17:09,621 --> 00:17:10,620
No, no, no.
No, please!
372
00:17:10,621 --> 00:17:14,620
Jesus, that was worthless,
but so affordable.
373
00:17:14,621 --> 00:17:16,620
Thank you, Mexican 911.
374
00:17:16,621 --> 00:17:21,379
Try Mexican 911 today.
Arriba!
375
00:17:32,621 --> 00:17:36,620
Ah, yeah, who's good at his job?
This guy.
376
00:17:36,771 --> 00:17:38,770
Hello, TripTank.
377
00:17:38,771 --> 00:17:40,770
God damn you, TripTank!
378
00:17:40,771 --> 00:17:44,711
Your show is making
my hemorrhoids flame up
379
00:17:44,746 --> 00:17:48,770
- like a freakin' Roman candle!
- Well, you called the right place.
380
00:17:48,771 --> 00:17:50,545
Don't worry.
Just let me find the extension.
381
00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:53,770
- Oh, the pain in my butthole.
- Let me transfer you.
382
00:17:53,771 --> 00:17:54,770
Whoa, Roy.
383
00:17:54,771 --> 00:17:56,770
Have you always had tattoos
on one of your heads?
384
00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:59,770
Yeah, man.
Roy's got to be true to his roots.
385
00:17:59,771 --> 00:18:02,770
- Tear your face off.
- Okay.
386
00:18:04,771 --> 00:18:07,770
Nice. Now I'll do mine.
387
00:18:09,771 --> 00:18:13,770
Oh, it's all eyes!
388
00:18:13,771 --> 00:18:16,770
Everything is eyes!
389
00:18:28,349 --> 00:18:31,348
Well, well, well,
if it isn't the infamous
390
00:18:31,349 --> 00:18:34,348
1,000-pound pimp,
Iceberg Huge.
391
00:18:34,349 --> 00:18:36,348
Yo. What up, Skinny D?
392
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:38,303
How'd you get so fat, pimp?
393
00:18:38,338 --> 00:18:40,348
You know, it runs in my family.
394
00:18:40,349 --> 00:18:42,348
I take after my dad...
395
00:18:42,349 --> 00:18:46,348
famous jazz singer Eats Domino's.
396
00:18:46,349 --> 00:18:49,348
- So, Skinny, what you want?
- I got a proposition.
397
00:18:49,349 --> 00:18:51,348
Seeing as you got money
and I got mad kilos,
398
00:18:51,349 --> 00:18:53,348
let's do business together.
399
00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:56,348
Uh... yo, I could get down
with that.
400
00:18:56,349 --> 00:18:58,348
We know you're in there,
Iceberg Huge.
401
00:18:58,349 --> 00:19:00,348
Oh, shit!
The police.
402
00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:02,348
Come on out now
and nobody gets hurt.
403
00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:05,348
Hell, no, bitch. You got
to come up here and get me.
404
00:19:05,349 --> 00:19:07,348
Man, I can barely move my arms.
405
00:19:07,349 --> 00:19:10,348
If you say so.
Let's go, boys.
406
00:19:10,349 --> 00:19:13,348
What you doing, man?
We'll all get busted.
407
00:19:13,349 --> 00:19:16,348
Hell, no. I got a plan, B.
Hos.
408
00:19:16,349 --> 00:19:18,348
Which one of you hos
gonna give me what I want?
409
00:19:18,349 --> 00:19:21,348
- We gave you your money, pimp.
- I don't want no money.
410
00:19:21,349 --> 00:19:25,348
I want 13 bags
of White Castle hamburgers
411
00:19:25,349 --> 00:19:26,348
with extra cheese, baby, baby.
412
00:19:26,349 --> 00:19:28,349
On it, pimp.
413
00:19:33,349 --> 00:19:34,349
Oh! Ah!
414
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:45,349
Now everybody get on the bed.
415
00:19:47,349 --> 00:19:49,348
- Freeze, pimp!
- Hey, yo, bitch.
416
00:19:49,349 --> 00:19:51,349
Hand me that half-eaten
big nut bar, ho.
417
00:19:53,349 --> 00:19:55,349
Ah.
418
00:19:59,349 --> 00:20:00,348
Baby, baby.
419
00:20:04,349 --> 00:20:07,348
- Shit, that hurt.
- That was some quick thinking, pimp.
420
00:20:07,349 --> 00:20:09,348
Now sit back and relax.
421
00:20:09,349 --> 00:20:11,948
We gonna be late, baby, baby.
422
00:20:19,349 --> 00:20:22,348
Oh, my gosh.
What was that?
423
00:20:22,349 --> 00:20:26,113
- Wow. I think my fever broke.
- Hey, BFB. How you feeling?
424
00:20:26,148 --> 00:20:27,348
I'm actually feeling better.
425
00:20:27,349 --> 00:20:29,348
That's great, man.
Perfect timing.
426
00:20:29,349 --> 00:20:30,348
I just got the phones working again.
427
00:20:30,349 --> 00:20:32,348
- What do you mean?
- The phones, man.
428
00:20:32,349 --> 00:20:35,348
- They've been down all day.
- What? No, they haven't.
429
00:20:35,349 --> 00:20:36,348
I've been answering
the phones all day.
430
00:20:36,349 --> 00:20:39,348
Oh, shoot. That's just
the hallucinations, man.
431
00:20:39,349 --> 00:20:41,348
Fever dreams... you've been
riding the purple dragon.
432
00:20:41,349 --> 00:20:44,348
- Really?
- Yeah. And I got a little secret for you.
433
00:20:44,349 --> 00:20:45,941
You still are.
434
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:53,349
TripTank.
435
00:20:54,748 --> 00:20:57,282
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
436
00:20:57,317 --> 00:21:00,170
Though your methods
are a bit unorthodox,
437
00:21:00,171 --> 00:21:03,170
you did manage to dispatch
Franky Fingerstink
438
00:21:03,171 --> 00:21:05,470
and his entire crew.
Well done.
439
00:21:05,471 --> 00:21:09,310
I used your ancient teachings
to [bleep] 'em in the ass!
440
00:21:09,971 --> 00:21:12,398
O-kay.
35178
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