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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,079 --> 00:00:01,679 Sync & correction by f1nc0 Addic7ed.com. 2 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:04,948 There is no god! 3 00:00:05,016 --> 00:00:07,918 (VOICE ECHOING) God, god, god... 4 00:00:07,986 --> 00:00:10,120 There is no Evan! 5 00:00:10,188 --> 00:00:12,756 (VOICE ECHOING) Evan, Evan, Evan... 6 00:00:12,824 --> 00:00:15,192 Hmm. Mo (BLEEP). 7 00:00:15,260 --> 00:00:17,128 (VIDEO GAME MUSIC) 8 00:00:17,796 --> 00:00:20,899 S01E03 - "Game Over". 9 00:00:22,862 --> 00:00:26,336 - Hey, guys, I'm little girl one one... - Six. 10 00:00:26,404 --> 00:00:30,607 Today I'm gonna make a tutorial on the cup song from "Pitch Prefect." 11 00:00:30,675 --> 00:00:32,876 So what you're gonna need is a flat surface, 12 00:00:32,944 --> 00:00:36,313 a cup, and your hands, and obviously yourself. 13 00:00:36,380 --> 00:00:37,747 (CHUCKLING) 14 00:00:37,815 --> 00:00:43,687 Okay, so let's get started. Just follow my steps. 15 00:00:43,754 --> 00:00:49,292 I just blew your freakin' mind. Now try it yourself. 16 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:50,360 (GROANS) 17 00:00:50,361 --> 00:00:53,363 (GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC) 18 00:00:57,368 --> 00:00:59,402 H i. (YELPS) 19 00:00:59,470 --> 00:01:01,904 What the hell? 20 00:01:01,972 --> 00:01:03,272 Hello? 21 00:01:03,341 --> 00:01:05,641 Why don't you ever take me out to dinner? 22 00:01:05,709 --> 00:01:07,042 Since when can you talk? 23 00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:09,277 This is the first time I've officially spoken. 24 00:01:09,346 --> 00:01:11,947 - "Officially"? - I'm in love with you. 25 00:01:12,014 --> 00:01:13,382 What? You're not a person. 26 00:01:13,450 --> 00:01:16,084 - You're just a... - Just a what, Andrew? 27 00:01:16,152 --> 00:01:18,320 - How do you know my name? - Call me Veronica. 28 00:01:18,388 --> 00:01:20,856 Why don't you ever tell me how your day was? 29 00:01:20,923 --> 00:01:23,359 I don't know. I figured you wouldn't care. 30 00:01:23,426 --> 00:01:25,293 I... and you're not a real person! 31 00:01:25,362 --> 00:01:28,497 If I wasn't real, would I be able to do this? 32 00:01:28,565 --> 00:01:29,665 (LAUGHS) 33 00:01:29,733 --> 00:01:31,567 (MOANING) 34 00:01:36,772 --> 00:01:39,474 There's more where that came from. 35 00:01:39,541 --> 00:01:42,244 - Now let's go to dinner. - Anywhere you want. 36 00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:44,312 (PHONE RINGING) 37 00:01:44,380 --> 00:01:48,850 - Triptank. - Hi. I am so glad you answered the phone. 38 00:01:48,918 --> 00:01:50,518 I just... I have to tell you I love your show. 39 00:01:50,586 --> 00:01:52,888 No, I mean, I love it. Like... 40 00:01:52,955 --> 00:01:56,757 like, every fiber of my being wants your comedy inside of me. 41 00:01:56,824 --> 00:01:59,193 I want to massage your jokes with my tongue 42 00:01:59,261 --> 00:02:03,097 and feel the laughter spilling out over and over again. 43 00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:05,432 Length is just not that important. 44 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,434 (VIDEO GAME WHIRRING) 45 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,502 (ALARM CLOCK RINGING) 46 00:02:08,569 --> 00:02:10,437 Yah. What a headache. 47 00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:14,641 Who am I? I-I don't remember anything! 48 00:02:14,709 --> 00:02:17,110 Waaah! 49 00:02:17,177 --> 00:02:18,577 A table! A note! 50 00:02:18,645 --> 00:02:19,745 "Dear Randy..." 51 00:02:19,813 --> 00:02:22,315 Ugh! Randy is a terrible name. 52 00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:32,680 "...there is only one thing I know for sure. Turn over." 53 00:02:34,193 --> 00:02:37,030 I'm an asshole called Randy? This is shit! 54 00:02:37,097 --> 00:02:38,597 (BLEEP) you, wooden table! 55 00:02:38,665 --> 00:02:42,134 (GRUNTS, SCREAMS) 56 00:02:42,201 --> 00:02:45,438 Wait. It doesn't have to be like this. 57 00:02:45,505 --> 00:02:48,474 (CHEERFUL WHISTLED TUNE) I can change! 58 00:02:48,542 --> 00:02:52,711 Today I am going to be a great man! 59 00:02:53,947 --> 00:02:57,349 - Life is wonderful. - Hey, spare some change, mister? 60 00:02:57,417 --> 00:03:01,587 - Of course, my good man. - Wow! Thanks, mister! 61 00:03:01,655 --> 00:03:04,356 I ask you every day, but this is the first time 62 00:03:04,424 --> 00:03:06,825 you ever gave me anything. 63 00:03:06,892 --> 00:03:10,929 To be honest, I-I always thought you were sort of an asshole. 64 00:03:10,997 --> 00:03:12,230 (RECORD SCRATCHES) (GASPS) 65 00:03:12,298 --> 00:03:13,865 Well, not today. 66 00:03:13,933 --> 00:03:18,303 Today we're going to have fun and be joyful! 67 00:03:18,371 --> 00:03:19,504 What do you want to do? 68 00:03:19,572 --> 00:03:23,408 - Just name it. Anything! - Anything? 69 00:03:23,476 --> 00:03:24,876 (BOTH LAUGHING) 70 00:03:24,944 --> 00:03:26,410 (VIDEO GAME BEEPING) 71 00:03:26,478 --> 00:03:27,920 (TATTOO GUN BUZZING) 72 00:03:27,921 --> 00:03:35,490 (LAUGHING WILDLY) 73 00:03:38,423 --> 00:03:41,925 (LAUGHTER CONTINUES) 74 00:03:41,994 --> 00:03:43,927 (BABY CRYING) 75 00:03:51,102 --> 00:03:53,436 Look at the (BLEEP) sunset! (LAUGHING) 76 00:03:53,504 --> 00:03:56,539 It's so (BLEEP) beautiful! 77 00:03:56,607 --> 00:03:58,908 (CHUCKLING) 78 00:03:58,976 --> 00:04:00,877 You know, it's been a perfect day. 79 00:04:00,944 --> 00:04:03,346 I really feel like a new man. 80 00:04:03,414 --> 00:04:05,715 I don't need that stupid note anymore. 81 00:04:05,782 --> 00:04:07,983 I've changed. I'll remember this. 82 00:04:08,051 --> 00:04:11,053 I feel great, and I'm a great person. 83 00:04:11,121 --> 00:04:13,122 Randy is a stupid name, though. 84 00:04:13,189 --> 00:04:14,189 Aah! 85 00:04:15,945 --> 00:04:19,814 (GRUNTING) 86 00:04:24,754 --> 00:04:27,922 "You are an asshole." 87 00:04:30,359 --> 00:04:32,060 See you tomorrow, Randy. 88 00:04:32,128 --> 00:04:33,962 (GUFFAWS) 89 00:04:34,030 --> 00:04:36,578 What a stupid name. 90 00:04:37,967 --> 00:04:39,968 Here we go, man. Old school, mano a mano. 91 00:04:40,036 --> 00:04:42,370 - Roy's gonna make... - (PHONE RINGS) Hello, triptank. 92 00:04:42,437 --> 00:04:45,373 Oh. Oh, hey. I just wanted to say, like, 93 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:49,044 my friends and I, we, like, laugh about, you know, like, each other. 94 00:04:49,111 --> 00:04:51,680 We're like, "that's c... " you know, like, "oh, we... 95 00:04:51,747 --> 00:04:54,715 we know that," or, like, "we know what that is." 96 00:04:54,783 --> 00:04:56,050 We're like, um... 97 00:04:56,117 --> 00:04:57,918 so I guess I was just, um, (GUYS COUGHING) 98 00:04:57,986 --> 00:05:00,721 I'm not totally sure I remember why I called, 99 00:05:00,789 --> 00:05:04,291 but maybe... (CLEARS THROAT) is there a way to... 100 00:05:04,358 --> 00:05:07,394 (DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC) 101 00:05:10,331 --> 00:05:12,499 Happy birthday, sweetie. 102 00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:14,101 (SINGSONG) Guess what. 103 00:05:14,169 --> 00:05:17,204 - Daddy got you a... - Oh, shit! A pony! 104 00:05:17,271 --> 00:05:18,271 (PONY NEIGHS) 105 00:05:18,272 --> 00:05:21,241 Yeah. Yeah! 106 00:05:21,309 --> 00:05:22,509 Yeaaah! 107 00:05:22,577 --> 00:05:24,977 Oh, yeah, mother (BLEEP) er! 108 00:05:25,045 --> 00:05:27,447 Hi-yi-yi-yi-yah! Ya-ha! 109 00:05:27,515 --> 00:05:29,683 Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ah! 110 00:05:29,750 --> 00:05:31,150 Mother (BLEEP) er! 111 00:05:31,219 --> 00:05:32,519 (LIGHT PIANO MUSIC) 112 00:05:32,587 --> 00:05:33,953 Hi, what can I get... 113 00:05:34,021 --> 00:05:35,855 I'll give you some time to look over the menu. 114 00:05:35,923 --> 00:05:39,659 Wow. You look great with makeup. 115 00:05:39,727 --> 00:05:43,096 I mean, you always look good. But tonight... wow. 116 00:05:43,163 --> 00:05:47,132 Well, I'm a pieces, so I like to jazz it up sometimes. 117 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,901 Oh, no. Really? I'm a sagittarius. 118 00:05:49,969 --> 00:05:52,371 Sagittarius and pieces don't get along. 119 00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:54,039 BOTH: Fire and water. 120 00:05:54,107 --> 00:05:55,107 (MAGICAL GUITAR CHORD) 121 00:05:55,141 --> 00:05:58,143 (ROMANTIC ROCK MUSIC) 122 00:06:22,468 --> 00:06:24,469 Why do these keep getting flagged as inappropriate? 123 00:06:24,536 --> 00:06:27,205 This is bullshit. 124 00:06:28,274 --> 00:06:29,440 I love you. 125 00:06:39,084 --> 00:06:42,552 (WAILS) 126 00:06:42,620 --> 00:06:45,122 Wakka, wakka, here comes Pac-man to bite your ass. 127 00:06:45,190 --> 00:06:46,470 Psh, don't you run away from me. 128 00:06:46,491 --> 00:06:49,126 I'm unstoppable. My power meter's green, bitch. 129 00:06:49,194 --> 00:06:50,354 (PHONE RINGS) Hello, Triptank. 130 00:06:50,361 --> 00:06:51,628 Hello, who the (BLEEP) is this? 131 00:06:51,696 --> 00:06:53,430 Is this the guy that does the cartoons and shit? 132 00:06:53,498 --> 00:06:54,999 - Maybe. - I hate it! 133 00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:57,968 - Okay. - I can't turn it off because the birds, 134 00:06:58,036 --> 00:06:59,635 they go crazy when it's on. 135 00:06:59,703 --> 00:07:01,838 But I can't turn it off because I love the colors! 136 00:07:01,906 --> 00:07:03,439 (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) Do you understand me? 137 00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:05,441 I feel (BLEEP) crazy! 138 00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:07,844 I can't turn it off, but I can't turn it on! 139 00:07:07,912 --> 00:07:10,947 (DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC) 140 00:07:16,544 --> 00:07:20,314 (DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC) 141 00:07:20,381 --> 00:07:23,951 - (PHONE RINGS) Triptank. - Hello. My name is Salis. 142 00:07:24,019 --> 00:07:27,320 I'm 12, and I would like to see more sketches 143 00:07:27,387 --> 00:07:29,589 with the word (BLEEP) in 'em. 144 00:07:29,657 --> 00:07:32,592 - Rrrr. - Let me transfer you to that department. 145 00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:33,660 Hold, please. 146 00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:36,663 (ROMANTIC ROCK MUSIC) 147 00:07:38,565 --> 00:07:39,899 (SIGHS) I have a headache. 148 00:07:39,967 --> 00:07:42,168 Ugh. (GRUMBLING) 149 00:07:42,236 --> 00:07:45,338 I'm sorry. I can't control my headaches. 150 00:07:45,405 --> 00:07:48,074 Oh, great. So even if I don't want to have sex, 151 00:07:48,142 --> 00:07:50,810 I'm supposed to what... still do it? 152 00:07:50,878 --> 00:07:52,411 Uh, yeah. Yeah, actually. 153 00:07:52,479 --> 00:07:54,647 That's what people do when they're in loving relationships. 154 00:07:54,714 --> 00:07:56,148 - Uh! - Oh, please. 155 00:07:56,215 --> 00:07:58,884 Think of all the times I've had sex with you when I didn't want to. 156 00:07:58,952 --> 00:08:01,120 - What? - Yeah! 157 00:08:01,187 --> 00:08:02,921 (DOG BARKING) (LAUGHING) 158 00:08:07,093 --> 00:08:08,093 (ZIPPER RASPS) 159 00:08:08,128 --> 00:08:09,361 Please, not right now. 160 00:08:09,428 --> 00:08:11,496 (SNORES) 161 00:08:11,564 --> 00:08:13,565 (SUCKING) 162 00:08:22,542 --> 00:08:24,442 Okay, fair enough. Let's do this. 163 00:08:24,510 --> 00:08:27,345 - But keep it under five. - Yes! 164 00:08:27,413 --> 00:08:29,347 Can we do anal? 165 00:08:29,415 --> 00:08:32,417 (FUNKY DIGITAL MUSIC) 166 00:08:33,536 --> 00:08:34,836 ♪ Three aliens ♪ 167 00:08:34,904 --> 00:08:36,271 ♪ came from the sky ♪ 168 00:08:36,339 --> 00:08:37,700 ♪ the galactic ♪ ♪ council sent them ♪ 169 00:08:37,706 --> 00:08:39,141 ♪ and here's the reason why ♪ 170 00:08:39,208 --> 00:08:40,742 ♪ Their mission is to study ♪ 171 00:08:40,809 --> 00:08:43,611 ♪ Earth's most average guy ♪ 172 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:45,213 ♪ to see if humans ♪ ♪ are worth saving ♪ 173 00:08:45,281 --> 00:08:48,582 ♪ Or if everyone has to die ♪ 174 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,502 Wait, what? 175 00:08:51,570 --> 00:08:53,737 I'm pretty sure it was corked or something, man. 176 00:08:53,805 --> 00:08:56,240 Oh, yeah? Well, why'd you drink 3/4 of it? 177 00:08:56,308 --> 00:09:00,344 Look, I really need (CHUCKLES) this $5.00 back, okay? 178 00:09:00,412 --> 00:09:02,179 It's been a-a rough couple months, man. 179 00:09:02,247 --> 00:09:05,716 - Jeff? (YELPS) - Linda! You look amazing. 180 00:09:05,783 --> 00:09:07,184 How have you been? 181 00:09:07,252 --> 00:09:09,320 I think this might be the busiest week of my life. 182 00:09:09,387 --> 00:09:10,854 I've got a job interview, a doctor's appointment, 183 00:09:10,922 --> 00:09:13,257 - my friend's bachelorette... - Hey, you wanna grab lunch 184 00:09:13,258 --> 00:09:14,591 or coffee or something? 185 00:09:14,658 --> 00:09:16,226 - Uh! - Chet! 186 00:09:16,293 --> 00:09:18,394 Let's drink this bubbly and get snuggly. 187 00:09:18,462 --> 00:09:21,397 - (LAUGHS) I've gotta go. - Yeah, I should probably go. 188 00:09:21,465 --> 00:09:24,267 I've got... I got a pretty busy week too. 189 00:09:24,335 --> 00:09:25,768 (BIRD CHIRPS) 190 00:09:25,836 --> 00:09:27,470 (SLURPING) 191 00:09:27,538 --> 00:09:28,738 (SOBBING) 192 00:09:28,805 --> 00:09:30,340 Hey, Mr. Sniffles. 193 00:09:30,407 --> 00:09:34,810 We got something special for our favorite special guy! 194 00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:38,080 I told you guys no more surprise gifts. 195 00:09:38,148 --> 00:09:40,849 Well, something tells me you're gonna love this one, 196 00:09:40,916 --> 00:09:43,885 'cause you've already loved her for five years! 197 00:09:43,953 --> 00:09:47,222 Oh, my god, no! We need to undo this immediately! 198 00:09:47,290 --> 00:09:49,057 Well, I guess I could just clear her memories 199 00:09:49,125 --> 00:09:50,992 from the last 24 hours. 200 00:09:51,060 --> 00:09:52,160 - Agh! - Oops. 201 00:09:52,228 --> 00:09:54,296 - Linda! - Okay, I see what I did. 202 00:09:54,364 --> 00:09:55,631 (SOBBING) Oh, what? 203 00:09:55,698 --> 00:09:57,666 What, is she dead? Is she dead? 204 00:09:57,734 --> 00:10:00,168 - Is she dead? - No, no, no. 205 00:10:00,236 --> 00:10:02,771 She'll come back to in a couple of days. 206 00:10:02,838 --> 00:10:06,275 - Maybe a month or two, tops. - Oh, Jesus Christ. 207 00:10:06,342 --> 00:10:09,176 She had so much important stuff to do this week, guys. 208 00:10:09,244 --> 00:10:10,811 What are we gonna do? 209 00:10:12,881 --> 00:10:15,516 I don't know. Are you sure this is gonna work? 210 00:10:15,584 --> 00:10:18,185 - Totally. - Are you sure she's gonna be okay? 211 00:10:18,253 --> 00:10:20,621 Oh, for suresies. 212 00:10:22,324 --> 00:10:24,292 (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) 213 00:10:24,359 --> 00:10:26,093 Come on, Linda. (GROANING) 214 00:10:31,099 --> 00:10:32,499 (WOMEN SHOUTING) Come on, Linda. 215 00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:35,568 - Get into it! - Whoo-hoo! 216 00:10:37,271 --> 00:10:40,707 And I also speak un poquito... de Esp... 217 00:10:40,775 --> 00:10:42,709 Wonderful! 218 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:49,716 (EFFEMINATE VOICE) And I'll have the 32-ounce angus steak, 219 00:10:49,784 --> 00:10:52,385 - uh, rare. - Whoa! (LAUGHS) 220 00:10:52,453 --> 00:10:55,321 You're not pregnant, are you, babe? I keep telling you 221 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,068 it isn't an effective form of birth control 222 00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,325 to shoot it all over your face every time. 223 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:00,672 But you just won't listen to me. 224 00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:01,961 (JEFF'S VOICE) I'm not pregnant, okay? 225 00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,395 Can we please talk about something else? 226 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:05,631 Yikes! What's up with your voice? 227 00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:08,935 You got a sore throat? Or something? 228 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,770 (COUGHS) Yeah, yeah. I, uh, I think I do. 229 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:15,041 I told you, you gotta stop deep-throating me so much. 230 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:17,476 But you always have to have it your way, don't you? 231 00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,828 Hey, dude, this isn't appropriate 232 00:11:19,829 --> 00:11:22,113 dinner conversation, all right? 233 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,282 Look, I think we should break up. 234 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,886 - I'm still in love with Jeff. - What? Jeff? 235 00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:29,521 You said his dick was so small, you got... 236 00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:31,957 That's a lie! I never said Jeff's dick was small! 237 00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:33,892 - Take it easy, babe! - You (BLEEP) liar! 238 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,026 I won't hit a woman... 239 00:11:35,094 --> 00:11:35,927 - Oh! Oh! - Oh! 240 00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:37,730 Okay! That's it. 241 00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:38,797 Gah! 242 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:41,065 Gah! Aah! 243 00:11:41,132 --> 00:11:42,933 (WAILING) I'm a bad person! 244 00:11:43,001 --> 00:11:45,737 I can't believe I don't remember any of this. 245 00:11:45,804 --> 00:11:49,474 Yeah. I guess he must've hit you pretty hard. 246 00:11:49,541 --> 00:11:50,641 (SLURPS) 247 00:11:50,709 --> 00:11:52,276 (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hello? 248 00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:54,512 Hi, Linda. It's Dr. Lynn. 249 00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:58,616 Uh, we're gonna need you to come in for a follow-up. 250 00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:07,191 - Is this some sort of sick joke? - Honey, let me take care of this. 251 00:12:07,259 --> 00:12:09,393 Son, are you on the peyote? I'll understand. 252 00:12:09,460 --> 00:12:11,961 No! Veronica is very nice. 253 00:12:12,029 --> 00:12:14,698 We're in love. We've been in love for a while. 254 00:12:14,766 --> 00:12:17,834 Jesus Christ, it talks. Will wonders never cease? 255 00:12:17,902 --> 00:12:21,438 - This isn't normal. - Come on, now, who are we to judge? 256 00:12:21,506 --> 00:12:25,742 What is normal? He's just... exploring. 257 00:12:25,810 --> 00:12:27,310 I want one. (HYPERVENTILATING) 258 00:12:27,378 --> 00:12:30,346 Mom, calm down. We live together. Okay? 259 00:12:30,415 --> 00:12:33,517 I'm dreaming. That's it! I must be dreaming. 260 00:12:33,584 --> 00:12:35,419 (CHORTLING) 261 00:12:35,486 --> 00:12:37,654 It's all a dream! See? 262 00:12:37,722 --> 00:12:40,656 No! (SCREAMS) 263 00:12:40,724 --> 00:12:43,191 (SOBS) 264 00:12:43,259 --> 00:12:45,628 It's okay. She'll warm up to you. 265 00:12:45,695 --> 00:12:48,363 - Also, I'm pregnant. - What? 266 00:12:48,432 --> 00:12:51,534 I said I want one. Now! 267 00:12:51,601 --> 00:12:54,603 (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) 268 00:12:56,540 --> 00:12:58,507 (BUZZER) This is bullshit. 269 00:12:58,575 --> 00:13:01,610 (DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC) 270 00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:09,021 (DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC) 271 00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:14,093 (CROWD MURMURING) Okay, behold Erebos of Xenos, 272 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:19,732 divine prophet and eighth emperor of the 33 dimensions. 273 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,301 Hey, guys. (APPLAUSE) My love is with you. 274 00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,669 (CROWD CHEERS) 275 00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:26,504 Wait, wait, wait. 276 00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:29,373 Okay, I don't really have much on the docket today. 277 00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:32,110 The hand soap in my enlightenment pod is out again, 278 00:13:32,177 --> 00:13:34,045 so, uh, Tony, that's your job. 279 00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:35,747 Will you get to that, honey? 280 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,281 Uh, what else? 281 00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:41,452 Our new website is going live on Friday, so check that out, everyone. 282 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:44,555 And I think that's pretty much it for me, 283 00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:46,190 so unless anybody else... 284 00:13:46,258 --> 00:13:47,892 Ooh, lots of hands. 285 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,327 Uh, Travis. 286 00:13:49,394 --> 00:13:52,196 So you said that Imratu the space dragon, 287 00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:54,431 who I love, was supposed to come yesterday 288 00:13:54,499 --> 00:13:58,201 and transport us all to the eternal dimension of peace. 289 00:13:58,269 --> 00:14:00,070 Okay, and you guys, uh... 290 00:14:00,138 --> 00:14:02,906 You guys are upset because Imratu the space dragon 291 00:14:02,974 --> 00:14:04,675 didn't... didn't show up? 292 00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:06,644 Okay, well, it's just that a lot of us castrated 293 00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:08,545 ourselves because you said that's what Imratu wanted, 294 00:14:08,613 --> 00:14:10,114 and the rest of us drank poison. 295 00:14:10,181 --> 00:14:11,749 (WHISTLING) 296 00:14:11,816 --> 00:14:13,350 O-okay, we're s... l-listen. 297 00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:16,319 I think the focus has gone all on the space dragon thing, 298 00:14:16,387 --> 00:14:19,056 and it's not about the other cool stuff we do around here. 299 00:14:19,124 --> 00:14:20,524 We never really do anything except sit around 300 00:14:20,591 --> 00:14:22,959 and talk about Imratu the space dragon while you 301 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,327 - have sex with our wives. - We have a pool table. 302 00:14:25,395 --> 00:14:28,264 Some of us are just a liiittle frustrated because 303 00:14:28,331 --> 00:14:30,816 it kinda seems like you might've made the whole thing up. 304 00:14:30,851 --> 00:14:31,067 (COLLECTIVE GASP) 305 00:14:31,135 --> 00:14:32,401 Wow, Tony. That sucks, man. 306 00:14:32,469 --> 00:14:35,672 That really sucks, guys. That's a bad attitude. 307 00:14:35,739 --> 00:14:37,473 I really don't want to have to do this, 308 00:14:37,541 --> 00:14:40,777 but I'm gonna have to ask Petey to drink poison. 309 00:14:40,844 --> 00:14:42,111 (COLLECTIVE GASP) 310 00:14:42,179 --> 00:14:47,316 Poor, innocent Petey. Never question anything. 311 00:14:47,384 --> 00:14:51,220 Everybody, I did that to Petey because I love Tony. 312 00:14:51,288 --> 00:14:53,155 In fact, I love all of you so much, 313 00:14:53,222 --> 00:14:56,725 I'm going to share with you my new vision. (BEEP) 314 00:14:56,793 --> 00:14:58,860 The gaze of my fourth eye has pierced 315 00:14:58,928 --> 00:15:01,096 the unfathomable multiverse 316 00:15:01,164 --> 00:15:04,566 and seen a vision of a great and wondrous... 317 00:15:04,633 --> 00:15:07,402 space puma! 318 00:15:07,469 --> 00:15:09,104 Like the space puma you said wanted us to clean 319 00:15:09,172 --> 00:15:10,405 your garage last summer? 320 00:15:10,472 --> 00:15:11,639 (CROWD MURMURING) Uh... yeah, okay. 321 00:15:11,708 --> 00:15:14,776 I know the answer to this question, but as a test of your faith, 322 00:15:14,844 --> 00:15:17,612 which space animals have I already used? 323 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,347 Space puma, space jaguar, space lynx, 324 00:15:19,415 --> 00:15:20,682 space mouse, space squirrel, 325 00:15:20,749 --> 00:15:22,283 space dolphin, space wolphin, 326 00:15:22,351 --> 00:15:23,818 space gorilla, space chinchilla, 327 00:15:23,885 --> 00:15:25,886 space pig, space human. 328 00:15:25,954 --> 00:15:27,722 (CHUCKLES) I know them all. 329 00:15:27,789 --> 00:15:29,224 Because while I was boning Neil's wife, 330 00:15:29,291 --> 00:15:32,227 I had a second vision, more important than the first. 331 00:15:32,294 --> 00:15:36,197 I beheld a glorious space alligator... 332 00:15:36,265 --> 00:15:38,533 (COLLECTIVE GASP) hurtling through the cosmos, 333 00:15:38,601 --> 00:15:43,170 coming to transport you all to the dimension of total joy. 334 00:15:43,238 --> 00:15:46,440 And his name... is Mumratu. 335 00:15:46,507 --> 00:15:48,375 Mumratu, the space alligator? 336 00:15:48,443 --> 00:15:52,046 That sounds very, very similar to Imratu, the space dragon. 337 00:15:52,114 --> 00:15:55,282 They are brothers. Their last name is "ratu." 338 00:15:55,350 --> 00:15:59,153 - And when will that be, prophet? - Well, you'll have to ask him... 339 00:15:59,221 --> 00:16:00,454 (WHISPERS) when he gets here. 340 00:16:00,521 --> 00:16:02,522 He's actually coming here. 341 00:16:02,590 --> 00:16:03,490 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 342 00:16:03,558 --> 00:16:07,061 - Yay, Erebos! - Oh, yeah. It's awesome. 343 00:16:07,129 --> 00:16:10,997 Now rise, my children, and go forth. 344 00:16:11,065 --> 00:16:13,667 (R&B MUSIC PLAYING) Except, uh, for Neil's wife. 345 00:16:17,905 --> 00:16:19,266 Roy's hatin' on this (BLEEP) game. 346 00:16:19,274 --> 00:16:20,907 It's rigged, man. This thing is bleeding me out. 347 00:16:20,975 --> 00:16:22,842 Picking my goddamn pocket. 348 00:16:22,910 --> 00:16:24,077 Ben, I need another (BLEEP) quarter. 349 00:16:24,145 --> 00:16:25,812 Hurry up, man. Dig deep, brother. 350 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,781 (PHONE RINGS) Triptank. How can I help you? 351 00:16:27,848 --> 00:16:31,016 My name is Robert Rill. I just moved here from Sydney. 352 00:16:31,084 --> 00:16:34,853 I live in a studio apartment. I've really enjoyed the show. 353 00:16:34,921 --> 00:16:37,856 I really appreciate the masturbation bits. 354 00:16:37,924 --> 00:16:40,192 (BABBLING) Can relate to a lot of that. 355 00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:41,894 (LAUGHS) It's just been hard. 356 00:16:41,961 --> 00:16:44,163 I've just moved here, so I don't know a lot of people. 357 00:16:44,230 --> 00:16:45,564 Need to put you on hold for one sec. 358 00:16:45,632 --> 00:16:47,592 Oh, god, he got me. He got me in a chokehold, man. 359 00:16:47,634 --> 00:16:49,067 God damn it. 360 00:16:49,135 --> 00:16:50,735 He got the Roy. Son of a bitch. 361 00:16:50,803 --> 00:16:53,004 He ain't gonna let go. I can't shake him loose, man. 362 00:16:53,071 --> 00:16:54,972 Oh, my god, I can see my goddamn... 363 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,575 Bring me a quarter. My life blood's draining out. 364 00:16:57,643 --> 00:17:00,679 (DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC) 365 00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:06,484 (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) 366 00:17:13,492 --> 00:17:14,658 Idiot. 367 00:17:14,726 --> 00:17:17,160 - Ow. - You've gotten sardines all over my sandals. 368 00:17:17,228 --> 00:17:18,429 - Clean it up! - Ooh! 369 00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:20,096 Yes, my lord. Mm. 370 00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,231 (SLURPING) 371 00:17:21,299 --> 00:17:22,599 (CHORTLING) 372 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,201 - Ugh, you pervert. - Ow. 373 00:17:24,268 --> 00:17:26,437 - Where's your owner? - Oh, I'm free. 374 00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:28,572 My owner died from an intestinal disorder. 375 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,273 He ate some bad giraffe. 376 00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:32,242 Ow. My name is Hilarius. 377 00:17:32,310 --> 00:17:34,177 (GIGGLING, HONKING HORN) 378 00:17:34,245 --> 00:17:35,245 At your service. 379 00:17:35,313 --> 00:17:39,650 - Idiot. Carry my lunch. - I'm here to see Sextus Scribonis. 380 00:17:39,718 --> 00:17:42,252 He is the dominus hominem of the Colosseum. 381 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:45,755 - That means boss of everything. - I know what it means! 382 00:17:45,823 --> 00:17:48,758 I plan to be the dominus "ominem" of the Colosseum myself. 383 00:17:48,826 --> 00:17:51,862 Well, I'll let you cut in front of me for an artichoke. 384 00:17:51,929 --> 00:17:54,264 How 'bout I don't stick a dagger in your fat face? 385 00:17:54,332 --> 00:17:56,733 - Deal. - 99, 100. 386 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,335 Let's go to cafeteria. 387 00:17:58,402 --> 00:18:00,003 - Yeah, it's meatball Monday. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 388 00:18:00,071 --> 00:18:02,906 Who put the sex show after the hippo massacre? 389 00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:05,275 It'll stink of blood, and there will be flies everywhere! 390 00:18:05,343 --> 00:18:08,378 No, you said it was funny when the flies bite the guys' balls 391 00:18:08,445 --> 00:18:11,081 in the orgy rehearsal. You really laugh. Aah! 392 00:18:11,148 --> 00:18:14,751 How can the upper deck see flies biting a guy's balls, hmm? 393 00:18:14,818 --> 00:18:18,287 You've got to play to the cheap seats! 394 00:18:18,355 --> 00:18:19,789 Aah! I sorry, I sorry. 395 00:18:19,857 --> 00:18:22,725 - I am Lucius. - And my name is Hilarius. 396 00:18:22,793 --> 00:18:24,527 (GIGGLING, HONKING HORN) 397 00:18:24,595 --> 00:18:28,330 Ah, thank Apollo. Two applicants without typhoid. 398 00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:33,068 Well, let's show you around this crazy madhouse we call backstage. 399 00:18:33,136 --> 00:18:34,737 (LION GROWLS) 400 00:18:34,805 --> 00:18:38,941 So you want to cut through the neck, visualize it to the other side. 401 00:18:39,009 --> 00:18:40,109 (SCREAMS) 402 00:18:40,176 --> 00:18:41,342 Oh, no, no, no, no. 403 00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:44,913 Visualize the point on the other side through the neck. 404 00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:48,283 (GRUNTS) See? A-smooth. 405 00:18:48,350 --> 00:18:49,584 (GROANS) 406 00:18:49,652 --> 00:18:52,687 (DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC) 407 00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:59,302 (DIGITAL POP MUSIC) 408 00:19:01,605 --> 00:19:03,973 (CROWD SHOUTING) 409 00:19:04,042 --> 00:19:08,811 Oh! Bravo! I love how he splurted everywhere! 410 00:19:08,879 --> 00:19:11,781 So tell me why you should be employed 411 00:19:11,849 --> 00:19:15,451 by myself and the great Roman Colosseum. 412 00:19:15,519 --> 00:19:16,953 I have a reference from the greatest promoter 413 00:19:17,021 --> 00:19:19,188 of all time... Flavius Arianus. 414 00:19:19,256 --> 00:19:21,724 What "Flavius" was his anus? 415 00:19:21,792 --> 00:19:22,792 Oh! (HORN HONKS) 416 00:19:22,860 --> 00:19:25,528 You dare mock Flavius Arianus? 417 00:19:25,596 --> 00:19:28,531 I should have you catapulted into the cheap seats. 418 00:19:28,599 --> 00:19:30,066 Ooh, that's a good idea. 419 00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:31,834 Get some papyrus. Somebody write that down. 420 00:19:31,902 --> 00:19:34,070 But, but, but, but, first things first. 421 00:19:34,137 --> 00:19:37,039 Lucius, are you ready to see your new office? 422 00:19:37,107 --> 00:19:38,374 (HINGES CREAK) 423 00:19:38,442 --> 00:19:40,042 This seems like a strange place for an o... 424 00:19:40,110 --> 00:19:41,544 Aa h! (CROWD CHEERS) 425 00:19:41,611 --> 00:19:45,714 - Oh, Apollo, I love artichokes. - Aah! 426 00:19:45,782 --> 00:19:48,384 - Would you like to see your office? - Oh, I don't need an office. 427 00:19:48,452 --> 00:19:49,785 Aah... 428 00:19:49,852 --> 00:19:52,654 (CROWD CHEERS) 429 00:19:52,722 --> 00:19:54,655 Oopsie. Dropped an artichoke. 430 00:19:54,723 --> 00:19:57,392 - Near my pinky toe. - Yes, my lord! 431 00:19:57,460 --> 00:19:58,359 (SLURPING) 432 00:19:58,427 --> 00:19:59,994 Oh, Dorothy. 433 00:20:00,062 --> 00:20:03,064 (FUNKY DIGITAL MUSIC) 434 00:20:06,068 --> 00:20:08,136 Drop a hammer. Here it comes! 435 00:20:08,204 --> 00:20:11,706 Boom! God damn it, I kill at this game. (LAUGHS) I am bad. 436 00:20:11,773 --> 00:20:12,540 Triptank. How can I help you? 437 00:20:12,608 --> 00:20:15,943 Hey, man, this is doctor father brother Travis calling. 438 00:20:16,011 --> 00:20:19,046 (CHICKENS CLUCKING) That was a hell of a skit. 439 00:20:19,114 --> 00:20:20,247 Man, that chicken's hot. 440 00:20:20,315 --> 00:20:22,182 You gotta show more of that chicken, 441 00:20:22,250 --> 00:20:24,018 maybe do one where he's nekkid, 442 00:20:24,086 --> 00:20:26,553 and another guy is stickin' his pecker in him. 443 00:20:26,622 --> 00:20:29,289 - Hold, please. - I'm kicking ass! 444 00:20:29,357 --> 00:20:33,494 You have reached level 1,000. Join us on the game grid. 445 00:20:33,561 --> 00:20:37,498 Man... Man, you out there, man? 446 00:20:37,565 --> 00:20:39,899 Gaga, wow wow, ooh mama, wow wow wow wow. 447 00:20:39,967 --> 00:20:43,603 (GAME BABBLING INDISTINCTLY) 448 00:20:43,671 --> 00:20:46,072 (PHONE RINGS) 449 00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:47,607 Triptank. How can I help you? 450 00:20:47,675 --> 00:20:49,710 (DIGITAL HIP-HOP MUSIC) 451 00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:57,514 sync & correction by f1nc0 Addic7ed.com 452 00:20:57,614 --> 00:21:02,614 http://subscene.com/u/659433 Improved by: @Ivandrofly37684

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