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1
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S01E04 - The Green
2
00:00:00,948 --> 00:00:04,184
Would you like a happy ending
to your massage?
3
00:00:04,252 --> 00:00:06,553
Uh... (CHUCKLES)
What?
4
00:00:06,620 --> 00:00:08,221
Uh, sure.
5
00:00:08,289 --> 00:00:12,925
- This man is your birth father!
- Oh, wow.
6
00:00:12,992 --> 00:00:16,228
Not what I was expecting but, um,
this is pretty cool.
7
00:00:16,296 --> 00:00:20,838
- Uh, how are you, sir?
- I'm gonna give you a hand job.
8
00:00:22,135 --> 00:00:25,171
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
9
00:00:25,238 --> 00:00:26,772
S01E04 - The Green
10
00:00:26,839 --> 00:00:28,640
And I was like, "sorry, man.
11
00:00:28,708 --> 00:00:30,842
I just wasted my last
miracle on a duck."
12
00:00:30,910 --> 00:00:34,180
(LAUGHTER)
13
00:00:34,247 --> 00:00:36,714
All right, guys.
I've, uh, got us some more water.
14
00:00:36,782 --> 00:00:39,150
(LAUGHS)
Excellent.
15
00:00:39,218 --> 00:00:41,553
Uh, Jesus, if, uh,
you'll do the honors?
16
00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:43,588
(CHUCKLES)
Don't mind if I do.
17
00:00:43,655 --> 00:00:45,156
(CLEARS THROAT)
18
00:00:45,224 --> 00:00:48,159
(MUSICAL CHIMES)
Ding, ding, ding, di...
19
00:00:48,227 --> 00:00:50,428
Oh, (BLEEP)
I touched his hand instead.
20
00:00:50,496 --> 00:00:51,729
(GROANS)
W-what does...
21
00:00:51,797 --> 00:00:53,764
What does that mean?
What did you just do?
22
00:00:53,832 --> 00:00:57,802
I just turned all the water
in his body into red wine.
23
00:00:57,869 --> 00:00:59,804
Well, how much water was in his body?
24
00:00:59,871 --> 00:01:01,038
Dude, people are made of, like,
25
00:01:01,106 --> 00:01:03,407
70% water or something.
26
00:01:03,475 --> 00:01:05,977
So... so you just turned 70%
27
00:01:06,044 --> 00:01:08,479
of his biological make-up into wine?
28
00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:11,882
- (GROANS) Y-yes.
- Well, (BLEEP) change him back!
29
00:01:11,950 --> 00:01:14,351
- I don't know how!
- Well, who does?
30
00:01:14,419 --> 00:01:18,555
- Um, um, Satan maybe?
- Then call him!
31
00:01:18,624 --> 00:01:20,658
Right, right.
Yup, yup, yup, yup.
32
00:01:20,726 --> 00:01:23,828
He's dead! He's dead.
33
00:01:25,029 --> 00:01:27,964
(SIGHS)
34
00:01:28,032 --> 00:01:30,434
(PHONE RINGING)
35
00:01:30,502 --> 00:01:33,670
- Triptank. How can I help you?
- I'm very angry at a lot of things,
36
00:01:33,738 --> 00:01:36,673
but you have topped my
(BLEEP) list, Triptank!
37
00:01:36,741 --> 00:01:38,708
Is that a tank I'm supposed to trip in?
38
00:01:38,776 --> 00:01:42,446
You got some kind of L.S.D.
L.C.D. hippy shit goin' on?
39
00:01:42,514 --> 00:01:44,615
I will find you and
I will slit every one
40
00:01:44,617 --> 00:01:47,250
of your throats with a smile on my face.
41
00:01:47,252 --> 00:01:50,019
Let me transfer you to that
department. Hold, please.
42
00:01:50,021 --> 00:01:51,220
Wouldn't take any of
their barbarian bullshit.
43
00:01:51,222 --> 00:01:52,488
I got it, Roy. Don't worry about it.
44
00:01:52,490 --> 00:01:54,123
Donkey-kick that
leather diaper-wearin'
45
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King diamond wannabe right
into the (BLEEP) next week.
46
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Triptank. How can I help you?
47
00:02:00,198 --> 00:02:03,266
- Dad, come quick!
- What is it, son?
48
00:02:03,268 --> 00:02:06,001
It's grandma. She's not breathing!
49
00:02:06,003 --> 00:02:09,104
- I think she's dead!
- Oh, dear.
50
00:02:09,106 --> 00:02:11,840
Welp, I guess I've got
to book a funeral then.
51
00:02:11,842 --> 00:02:14,176
Aw, I hate boring funerals.
52
00:02:14,178 --> 00:02:18,113
I know, kiddo.
I do too, but it's the only way.
53
00:02:20,016 --> 00:02:21,316
Hold it right there!
54
00:02:21,318 --> 00:02:23,152
Are you sick of dreary
and bland funerals
55
00:02:23,154 --> 00:02:25,620
- takin' up your entire day?
- Boy, am I!
56
00:02:25,622 --> 00:02:29,758
Then come on down to
"Pete's extreme funeral parlor!"
57
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:32,327
We spice up the every
day conventional funeral
58
00:02:32,329 --> 00:02:34,829
and turn it into a
fun-filled extravaganza
59
00:02:34,831 --> 00:02:37,631
to entertain friends and
family of the recently deceased.
60
00:02:37,633 --> 00:02:40,267
For just $599, the
crematory catapult hurls
61
00:02:40,269 --> 00:02:43,104
your dearly departed through
the flaming hoops of death,
62
00:02:43,106 --> 00:02:44,371
then shoots them into the sky,
63
00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:46,040
where they'll explode into ashes,
64
00:02:46,042 --> 00:02:47,241
which will be spread across
65
00:02:47,243 --> 00:02:49,310
- the beautiful, green Earth!
- Extreme!
66
00:02:49,312 --> 00:02:51,378
For a ridiculous $799,
67
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,815
we'll open the portal
to the Quigon dimension,
68
00:02:53,817 --> 00:02:55,016
where the dead body will be turned
69
00:02:55,018 --> 00:02:56,383
into subatomic particles,
which will explode
70
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:59,687
into separate universes at once,
causing a dimensional paradox,
71
00:02:59,689 --> 00:03:01,488
destroying all matter
and life as we know it!
72
00:03:01,490 --> 00:03:02,889
Extreme dimensional paradox!
73
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:06,026
We do it all.
Come down for a discounted doozy.
74
00:03:06,028 --> 00:03:08,529
Pick from a wide range
of exciting options
75
00:03:08,531 --> 00:03:11,749
of what you think would be the
most appropriate and entertaining
76
00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:14,968
way to send your dead loved
ones soaring into heaven.
77
00:03:14,970 --> 00:03:18,272
You do want your loved ones
to go to heaven, don't you?
78
00:03:18,274 --> 00:03:19,573
Call now!
79
00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:23,110
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
80
00:03:23,177 --> 00:03:26,280
Tiny hippo had a tiny train.
81
00:03:26,348 --> 00:03:28,181
He loved that train...
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
82
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,251
and they went everywhere together,
83
00:03:30,318 --> 00:03:34,820
laughin' and playin' all
throughout their tiny world.
84
00:03:34,888 --> 00:03:38,324
Then one day,
tiny raven swooped down
85
00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:40,860
and stole the tiny train.
86
00:03:40,927 --> 00:03:43,696
This made tiny hippo very sad.
87
00:03:43,764 --> 00:03:47,467
But he decided that he would be brave.
88
00:03:47,534 --> 00:03:51,537
So the next day, he walked
up the tiny mountain,
89
00:03:51,605 --> 00:03:53,539
crossed through the tiny valley,
90
00:03:53,607 --> 00:03:56,542
climbed up the tiny oak tree,
91
00:03:56,610 --> 00:04:00,079
and shanked tiny raven's tiny bitch ass.
92
00:04:00,147 --> 00:04:01,347
(BIRD SQUAWKS)
93
00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:02,548
(LAUGHS)
94
00:04:02,616 --> 00:04:05,918
Ain't no one
(BLEEP) with tiny hippo.
95
00:04:05,986 --> 00:04:08,354
No one.
(PHONE RINGING)
96
00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:09,722
- Triptank.
- I got this song.
97
00:04:09,790 --> 00:04:11,090
I really think it'd be great
98
00:04:11,158 --> 00:04:12,291
for the end of your show each week.
99
00:04:12,358 --> 00:04:14,326
Okay?
Kind of a folk-a-delic,
100
00:04:14,394 --> 00:04:16,795
rodeo-core,
easy-listening, black metal,
101
00:04:16,862 --> 00:04:20,064
late '60s vibe, recorded by
deaf kids from New Guinea.
102
00:04:20,132 --> 00:04:21,366
Pretty sure you'll love it.
103
00:04:21,434 --> 00:04:22,601
(PHONE RINGING)
Please hold.
104
00:04:22,669 --> 00:04:24,202
(SCREAMS)
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC)
105
00:04:24,270 --> 00:04:25,537
Hey, kids!
106
00:04:25,605 --> 00:04:26,871
It's time for "versus"!
107
00:04:26,939 --> 00:04:28,206
Versus!
108
00:04:28,274 --> 00:04:31,109
This week's combatants:
109
00:04:31,177 --> 00:04:33,611
third grade soccer team...
110
00:04:33,679 --> 00:04:35,914
- Great kick, Jimmy!
- Thanks!
111
00:04:35,981 --> 00:04:38,950
versus...
112
00:04:39,018 --> 00:04:41,986
Mongolian horde.
113
00:04:42,054 --> 00:04:48,092
(ALL SCREAMING)
114
00:04:56,201 --> 00:04:58,536
(ANGELIC MUSIC)
115
00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:01,672
(YAK BELLOWS)
116
00:05:03,208 --> 00:05:04,608
Bring it.
117
00:05:04,676 --> 00:05:05,776
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
118
00:05:05,844 --> 00:05:06,910
Oh.
119
00:05:06,978 --> 00:05:09,413
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
120
00:05:09,481 --> 00:05:10,548
(GRUNTS)
121
00:05:10,615 --> 00:05:12,015
(GROANS)
122
00:05:13,952 --> 00:05:16,619
(ALL GRUNTING)
123
00:05:16,687 --> 00:05:17,687
My face!
124
00:05:17,755 --> 00:05:19,622
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
125
00:05:19,690 --> 00:05:22,625
Yes!
Good teamwork!
126
00:05:22,693 --> 00:05:24,294
(HIP-HOP MUSIC)
127
00:05:24,362 --> 00:05:26,196
(GROANS)
128
00:05:26,264 --> 00:05:28,531
Oh, running man, classic.
129
00:05:31,802 --> 00:05:36,538
(CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMING)
130
00:05:36,606 --> 00:05:38,074
(LAUGHS)
Huh?
131
00:05:38,141 --> 00:05:40,176
♪ The time to be happy is now ♪
132
00:05:40,244 --> 00:05:41,577
(GRUNTS)
133
00:05:41,644 --> 00:05:42,811
♪ and the place ♪
♪ to be happy is here ♪
134
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,446
(GRUNTS)
Aah!
135
00:05:44,514 --> 00:05:46,315
♪ and the way to be happy ♪
♪ is to make someone happy ♪
136
00:05:46,383 --> 00:05:48,084
You like that? You like that?
137
00:05:48,151 --> 00:05:50,353
♪ and we'll have a ♪
♪ little heaven right here ♪
138
00:05:50,420 --> 00:05:51,854
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
139
00:05:51,922 --> 00:05:53,122
♪ we'll have a little ♪
♪ heaven right here ♪
140
00:05:53,190 --> 00:05:54,623
I want to leave!
141
00:05:54,691 --> 00:05:55,957
♪ we'll have a little ♪
♪ heaven right here ♪
142
00:05:56,025 --> 00:05:57,559
(PANTING)
143
00:05:57,627 --> 00:05:59,528
What time did you say it was?
144
00:05:59,596 --> 00:06:01,597
It's the time to be happy!
145
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:05,734
WINNER: Third grade soccer team!
146
00:06:05,802 --> 00:06:06,869
(ALL CHEERING)
147
00:06:06,936 --> 00:06:08,303
'Cause you cheat!
(GRUNTS)
148
00:06:08,371 --> 00:06:11,072
Everyone gets a trophy!
149
00:06:11,140 --> 00:06:12,240
(PHONE RINGING)
150
00:06:12,308 --> 00:06:13,509
Hello? Triptank.
151
00:06:13,576 --> 00:06:16,111
No, I was calling
'cause I love your show
152
00:06:16,178 --> 00:06:18,280
and I have a little friend here
who wants to be on the show.
153
00:06:18,347 --> 00:06:21,482
Can I... can you hear him?
He does great voice work.
154
00:06:21,550 --> 00:06:23,018
Scorchy, go ahead.
155
00:06:23,085 --> 00:06:25,787
(KOALA BLABBERING)
156
00:06:25,854 --> 00:06:28,556
Isn't he wonderful?
(BLABBERING) Sh... hold on.
157
00:06:28,624 --> 00:06:29,824
He's saying something.
158
00:06:29,892 --> 00:06:31,793
Don't interrupt the
little furry (BLEEP).
159
00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:34,094
(BLABBERING)
160
00:06:34,162 --> 00:06:35,430
Oh, my god. Really?
161
00:06:35,497 --> 00:06:36,431
Okay. You know what?
162
00:06:36,498 --> 00:06:37,899
We're gonna pass anyways.
163
00:06:37,966 --> 00:06:40,367
He wants to go to the park
and (BLEEP) a dalmatian.
164
00:06:40,436 --> 00:06:42,303
Sorry.
165
00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:45,780
(EXPLOSION)
166
00:06:47,111 --> 00:06:50,046
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
167
00:06:51,181 --> 00:06:52,382
America, welcome back to...
168
00:06:55,903 --> 00:06:56,969
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
169
00:06:57,037 --> 00:06:59,438
That last round knocked out Carl,
170
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:02,474
which leaves us with
Sharleen and Felipe.
171
00:07:02,543 --> 00:07:04,677
- You ready?
- I was born ready, Dickey.
172
00:07:04,745 --> 00:07:07,613
I'm the (BLEEP) whisperer!
I can smell it!
173
00:07:07,681 --> 00:07:10,616
All righty, then.
Down to our final two contestants
174
00:07:10,684 --> 00:07:14,286
and a chance to play
for this week's sexy grand prize.
175
00:07:14,354 --> 00:07:16,488
Stu, tell 'em what it is!
176
00:07:16,556 --> 00:07:21,460
A weekend at the white tail nudist
resort in beautiful Kansas City!
177
00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:22,761
ALL: Ooh!
178
00:07:22,828 --> 00:07:24,163
All right.
179
00:07:24,230 --> 00:07:26,331
Let's see what Ivana
Humpanova has hidden
180
00:07:26,399 --> 00:07:28,067
behind the curtain for
this final challenge
181
00:07:28,134 --> 00:07:30,369
of "do you think he can
(BLEEP)?"
182
00:07:31,437 --> 00:07:33,939
What a surprise!
Yes, yes, y'all!
183
00:07:34,006 --> 00:07:35,606
Stephen Hawking, ladies and gentlemen.
184
00:07:35,674 --> 00:07:36,840
(COMPUTERIZED MUMBLING)
185
00:07:36,908 --> 00:07:38,943
Sharleen and Felipe,
you have ten seconds
186
00:07:39,010 --> 00:07:40,644
to decide whether Stephen Hawking
187
00:07:40,712 --> 00:07:44,716
can actually
(BLEEP), starting now!
188
00:07:48,620 --> 00:07:51,122
Felipe, we'll start with you.
189
00:07:51,190 --> 00:07:54,325
Stephen Hawking, famed physicist
and black hole pioneer...
190
00:07:54,393 --> 00:07:56,527
Do you think he can
(BLEEP)?
191
00:07:56,595 --> 00:07:58,128
No, no, no.
The junk don't work.
192
00:07:58,196 --> 00:07:59,229
ALL: Ooh!
193
00:07:59,297 --> 00:08:01,899
That is a brave choice, Felipe.
194
00:08:01,967 --> 00:08:04,401
Sharleen, what is your answer?
195
00:08:04,469 --> 00:08:06,837
Baste my boobies
and call me a turkey.
196
00:08:06,905 --> 00:08:09,439
Yes, he can! Whoo!
197
00:08:09,507 --> 00:08:11,842
(LAUGHS) Wow.
A split decision.
198
00:08:11,910 --> 00:08:14,544
Well, the answer is... Yes!
199
00:08:14,613 --> 00:08:16,780
Stephen Hawking can
(BLEEP)!
200
00:08:16,848 --> 00:08:20,183
Sharleen, my little trailer trash cutie,
you are the winner!
201
00:08:20,251 --> 00:08:21,818
(COMPUTERIZED)
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
202
00:08:21,885 --> 00:08:22,785
- Big bang...
- Oh, yeah.
203
00:08:22,853 --> 00:08:23,987
Taste my milky way.
204
00:08:24,054 --> 00:08:25,322
- I can (BLEEP).
- Yes!
205
00:08:25,389 --> 00:08:26,389
I can
(BLEEP).
206
00:08:26,457 --> 00:08:28,291
Yes, you can, Stephen.
Up top!
207
00:08:28,359 --> 00:08:30,059
Oh, that's not gonna happen.
208
00:08:30,128 --> 00:08:32,129
Well, Felipe, you
played a hell of a game,
209
00:08:32,196 --> 00:08:35,132
but you won't go home
empty-handed, my brother. (CHUCKLES)
210
00:08:35,199 --> 00:08:36,399
Stu, tell 'em what you got.
211
00:08:36,467 --> 00:08:40,503
Felipe, your name will now appear
on the national sex offender list.
212
00:08:40,570 --> 00:08:42,671
- ALL: Ooh!
- Congratulations!
213
00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:44,840
Aah, why?
(SOBS)
214
00:08:44,907 --> 00:08:48,210
(SEXUAL MOANING)
Aw, shit!
215
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:51,013
You know what that sound means.
It's time for the...
216
00:08:53,250 --> 00:08:57,153
That's right. And now, Sharleen,
the chance to win it all.
217
00:08:57,220 --> 00:08:59,955
Starting now!
218
00:09:00,023 --> 00:09:01,590
Yes. Yes.
219
00:09:01,658 --> 00:09:02,823
No. Uh, yes.
220
00:09:02,891 --> 00:09:05,293
Uh, no. No. No. No.
221
00:09:05,361 --> 00:09:07,028
Yes. Yes. No!
222
00:09:07,095 --> 00:09:09,564
Yes, yes. No.
Hell yeah!
223
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,999
Wow.
That was a hell of a round.
224
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:14,602
Look at you.
How do you feel?
225
00:09:14,670 --> 00:09:17,605
I'm as tired as two rabbits
screwin' in a wool sock.
226
00:09:17,673 --> 00:09:19,874
- Did I win?
- Let's go to the judges.
227
00:09:19,941 --> 00:09:23,010
(DRUMMING)
228
00:09:23,078 --> 00:09:25,146
Sharleen...
229
00:09:25,213 --> 00:09:27,447
You... have... won.
230
00:09:27,515 --> 00:09:29,950
(LAUGHS)
231
00:09:30,018 --> 00:09:31,485
Hey, thank you so
much for joining us.
232
00:09:31,553 --> 00:09:33,054
Tune in next time for...
233
00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:36,423
(PHONE RINGING)
234
00:09:36,491 --> 00:09:37,758
- Triptank.
- Hey, listen, man.
235
00:09:37,826 --> 00:09:41,028
This is the department of energy.
Yeah, you need to shut down.
236
00:09:41,096 --> 00:09:42,830
You're usin' up too much energy, man.
237
00:09:42,898 --> 00:09:45,765
The polar ice caps are melting.
I'm sure you've heard about it.
238
00:09:45,833 --> 00:09:47,433
- Well, uh...
- Okay.
239
00:09:47,501 --> 00:09:49,069
Why don't you drop the sarcasm?
240
00:09:49,136 --> 00:09:52,138
I'm standing here
wearing flood pants, okay?
241
00:09:52,206 --> 00:09:55,041
You've got what you call
an Arizona shit storm,
242
00:09:55,109 --> 00:09:57,643
and there's one comin'
your way, wise-ass.
243
00:09:57,845 --> 00:09:59,678
(PHONE RINGING)
244
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,047
Mm-mm-mm.
245
00:10:01,049 --> 00:10:02,882
I'd like to snack on
a piece of that Gina.
246
00:10:02,884 --> 00:10:04,517
- Roy, please. Don't.
- She is one hot stuff
247
00:10:04,519 --> 00:10:06,986
piece of cupcake little mama.
Whoo!
248
00:10:06,988 --> 00:10:08,186
I got it, Roy. Don't worry about it.
249
00:10:08,188 --> 00:10:10,890
Stay back, you son of a bitch.
Gina's mine.
250
00:10:10,892 --> 00:10:13,191
(CACKLING)
251
00:10:13,193 --> 00:10:16,429
We begin with newt juice!
252
00:10:16,431 --> 00:10:19,698
Add a drop of dragon's blood!
253
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:23,969
A freshly squeezed
Brazilian forest rumpletoad!
254
00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:27,773
A whisker from a naughty witch's kitty!
255
00:10:27,775 --> 00:10:30,142
A handful of virgin eyeballs!
256
00:10:30,144 --> 00:10:34,046
And now we say the magic words.
257
00:10:34,048 --> 00:10:37,149
Wakabazoo!
(LAUGHS)
258
00:10:37,151 --> 00:10:40,986
At last, it is complete!
259
00:10:43,323 --> 00:10:46,191
Oh, yeah.
260
00:10:46,259 --> 00:10:48,126
That's some good shit!
261
00:10:48,194 --> 00:10:50,027
(CACKLES MANIACALLY)
262
00:10:50,095 --> 00:10:51,329
(VOMITS)
263
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:53,745
(PLEASANT MUSIC)
264
00:10:53,813 --> 00:10:57,382
- Hello?
- Oh, baby, oh.
265
00:10:57,450 --> 00:11:00,652
If only I could just put
out my hand and touch you.
266
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,854
Touch your hair and your...
267
00:11:02,921 --> 00:11:06,524
- I'm sorry. Who is this?
- What? It's Jeff.
268
00:11:06,592 --> 00:11:10,928
Jeff, I'm sorry.
You're not in my phone anymore.
269
00:11:10,996 --> 00:11:12,830
We broke up, like, two hours ago.
270
00:11:12,897 --> 00:11:13,930
What are you talking
about? (PHONE BEEPS)
271
00:11:13,998 --> 00:11:15,733
Ooh, I got to get this.
272
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,301
My dad was so happy,
he just bought me a car.
273
00:11:18,370 --> 00:11:19,870
- What?
- Isn't that so nice?
274
00:11:19,937 --> 00:11:21,605
- That's why you got to go?
- Bye!
275
00:11:21,673 --> 00:11:23,574
But... I love you.
276
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:24,541
(DIAL TONE)
277
00:11:24,609 --> 00:11:25,642
(CRIES)
278
00:11:25,710 --> 00:11:29,145
Hey, can you say that last bit
just a little bit louder?
279
00:11:29,213 --> 00:11:33,350
- Guys, are you recording this?
- Uh, nope.
280
00:11:33,418 --> 00:11:36,086
Because the thing about humans is,
281
00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:39,122
humans need privacy, all right?
282
00:11:39,190 --> 00:11:42,392
Especially when they're getting stabbed
283
00:11:42,459 --> 00:11:44,861
in their human heart!
(CRIES)
284
00:11:44,929 --> 00:11:48,631
- Hey, what's privacy?
- I don't know. (TOILET FLUSHES)
285
00:11:48,699 --> 00:11:51,167
♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪
286
00:11:51,235 --> 00:11:52,903
♪ the galactic council sent them ♪
287
00:11:52,970 --> 00:11:54,437
ALL: # and here's the reason why #
288
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:55,671
♪ their mission is to study ♪
289
00:11:55,739 --> 00:11:58,775
♪ Earth's most average guy ♪
290
00:11:58,842 --> 00:12:00,110
ALL: # to see if humans
are worth saving #
291
00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:02,011
♪ or if everyone has to die ♪
292
00:12:03,479 --> 00:12:05,080
Wait. What?
293
00:12:05,148 --> 00:12:06,581
ALL: Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!
294
00:12:06,649 --> 00:12:08,050
- Can you take us to the zoo?
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
295
00:12:08,118 --> 00:12:11,253
The zoo? Huh.
No, I don't think so.
296
00:12:11,321 --> 00:12:16,025
I'm not leavin' this house
for a very, very long time.
297
00:12:16,092 --> 00:12:17,426
Well, what about
when you're happy again?
298
00:12:17,493 --> 00:12:19,228
Can we go then?
299
00:12:19,296 --> 00:12:21,997
When I'm happy again, we can
do whatever the hell you want.
300
00:12:22,065 --> 00:12:24,666
ALL: Yay!
301
00:12:26,069 --> 00:12:27,736
Would a puppy make you happy?
302
00:12:27,804 --> 00:12:28,937
(DOG BARKS)
303
00:12:29,004 --> 00:12:30,939
(SIGHS)
No, I'm sorry, guys.
304
00:12:31,006 --> 00:12:32,640
ALL: Aw...
305
00:12:32,707 --> 00:12:33,841
Aah!
306
00:12:33,909 --> 00:12:36,177
How about a lot more puppies?
307
00:12:36,245 --> 00:12:38,579
Uh, appreciate the sentiment,
308
00:12:38,647 --> 00:12:41,316
but you need to do
somethin' with these puppies.
309
00:12:41,383 --> 00:12:43,985
- Right now!
- Aw.
310
00:12:44,053 --> 00:12:47,322
Hey, Jeff.
What do you think of this jacket?
311
00:12:47,389 --> 00:12:49,890
It's custom tailored just for you!
312
00:12:49,959 --> 00:12:53,928
This is actually pretty cool, guys.
I'm imp...
313
00:12:53,995 --> 00:12:55,596
Oh, my god!
314
00:12:55,664 --> 00:12:57,498
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!
315
00:12:57,566 --> 00:13:01,735
No! No! God, forgive us.
Forgive us, god!
316
00:13:01,803 --> 00:13:03,003
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(GASPS)
317
00:13:03,071 --> 00:13:04,805
Aah!
318
00:13:04,873 --> 00:13:07,174
Get out of here.
319
00:13:07,241 --> 00:13:10,544
- Linda?
- I'm not ready to give up on us.
320
00:13:14,916 --> 00:13:16,617
(MOANS)
321
00:13:16,685 --> 00:13:18,885
(MOANS)
322
00:13:21,121 --> 00:13:22,288
Wow.
(CHUCKLES)
323
00:13:22,356 --> 00:13:25,525
That is the best sex we have ever had.
324
00:13:25,593 --> 00:13:26,993
(LAUGHS)
325
00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:28,695
Are you happy, Jeff?
326
00:13:28,762 --> 00:13:33,500
I think this might be
the best day of my life.
327
00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:34,667
- Great.
- Oh!
328
00:13:34,735 --> 00:13:35,502
Now you can take us to the zoo.
329
00:13:35,569 --> 00:13:37,537
ALL: Yay!
330
00:13:37,605 --> 00:13:40,406
(PLEASANT MUSIC)
331
00:13:40,474 --> 00:13:41,731
(EXPLOSION)
332
00:13:42,349 --> 00:13:44,516
- Triptank.
- Yeah, hey.
333
00:13:44,584 --> 00:13:46,117
I'm calling to say
that this (BLEEP) show
334
00:13:46,185 --> 00:13:47,551
is my favorite
(BLEEP) show, man.
335
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:51,155
I love it.
I watch it 24/7, christmas morning.
336
00:13:51,223 --> 00:13:52,556
It doesn't come once a year.
337
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:54,358
It comes every time I
(BLEEP).
338
00:13:54,426 --> 00:13:56,894
- I (BLEEP) watch the show, man.
- Of course.
339
00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:58,129
Man, like, when I was a kid,
340
00:13:58,197 --> 00:13:59,797
My daddy died, and I
thought I could never
341
00:13:59,865 --> 00:14:01,899
love anything again,
man, but this (BLEEP) show
342
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:04,001
is better than my
(BLEEP) dad that died.
343
00:14:04,069 --> 00:14:07,804
- Uh...
- You don't love my love?
344
00:14:07,872 --> 00:14:10,139
I give you (BLEEP) love
for the (BLEEP) show,
345
00:14:10,207 --> 00:14:13,008
and you (BLEEP) throw hot
cooking oil in my (BLEEP) face?
346
00:14:13,076 --> 00:14:15,510
(BLEEP) you.
I will (BLEEP) kill you (BLEEP)...
347
00:14:15,578 --> 00:14:17,179
I'll give you five
bucks to put him on hold.
348
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:19,180
- Hold, please.
- Mother...
349
00:14:20,217 --> 00:14:23,953
I bet you really regret running
that story about Joey Valvano.
350
00:14:24,020 --> 00:14:26,355
Now we're about to make
my favorite breakfast food:
351
00:14:26,422 --> 00:14:28,590
street pancakes.
(CHUCKLES)
352
00:14:28,658 --> 00:14:31,627
No, please don't!
Wait... who... whoa!
353
00:14:31,694 --> 00:14:32,827
(GASPS)
354
00:14:32,895 --> 00:14:35,529
- You saved me.
- It was really no problem, ma'am.
355
00:14:35,597 --> 00:14:38,599
Glad to help.
My name is Terrence. Yours?
356
00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,601
Oh, um, Caitlin.
The name's Caitlin.
357
00:14:40,669 --> 00:14:42,470
- Nice name.
- Uh, thank you.
358
00:14:42,537 --> 00:14:44,105
Pretty name for a pretty lady.
359
00:14:44,173 --> 00:14:45,106
Are you flirting with me, because I...
360
00:14:45,174 --> 00:14:46,841
- No, ma'am.
- Oh.
361
00:14:46,909 --> 00:14:48,743
Oh, all right. Well, um, gosh.
362
00:14:48,811 --> 00:14:52,346
- Thanks for saving me, again.
- Still no problem.
363
00:14:52,414 --> 00:14:54,749
(CLEARS THROAT)
364
00:14:54,817 --> 00:14:56,284
Are you gonna land?
365
00:14:56,351 --> 00:14:58,386
Absolutely, but we
have a little problem.
366
00:14:58,453 --> 00:15:00,454
(LAUGHS) Problem?
What... what's that?
367
00:15:00,522 --> 00:15:03,457
- I've never flown before.
- Wait. What?
368
00:15:03,525 --> 00:15:06,360
I-I saw a falling woman and I just
wished really hard, and then I flew.
369
00:15:06,428 --> 00:15:07,961
- What?!
- I know, it's really weird.
370
00:15:08,029 --> 00:15:10,698
So, yeah, eventually we
will land, but I don't think
371
00:15:10,699 --> 00:15:13,367
it's going to be like in the
movies where I just slow up.
372
00:15:13,435 --> 00:15:15,670
You know?
We are flying pretty fast.
373
00:15:15,737 --> 00:15:16,937
I have to go to a meeting!
374
00:15:17,005 --> 00:15:18,372
- Where is it?
- It's on Park Avenue.
375
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,907
- Can you see it from here?
- No, I can't...
376
00:15:19,974 --> 00:15:23,543
We are in the sky, and
we keep on going up.
377
00:15:23,611 --> 00:15:25,745
- Can you fly?
- No.
378
00:15:25,813 --> 00:15:28,281
Well, I just found out I
could fly, so be grateful.
379
00:15:28,349 --> 00:15:30,950
How important is this meeting anyway?
You were about to die.
380
00:15:31,018 --> 00:15:34,321
I wasn't planning on dying, so I...
Okay. You know what?
381
00:15:34,388 --> 00:15:36,889
Let's just do this like a plane.
382
00:15:36,957 --> 00:15:39,959
- Uh, I'm a person.
- I know. I know you're a person.
383
00:15:40,027 --> 00:15:43,697
- I need you to start to fly downward.
- That sounds so scary.
384
00:15:43,764 --> 00:15:46,332
Come on, you're, like,
260 pounds of muscle.
385
00:15:46,399 --> 00:15:47,666
I know you can land.
386
00:15:47,734 --> 00:15:49,802
Maybe that's it! Just believe.
387
00:15:49,869 --> 00:15:52,838
- Just believe in me.
- Oh, my god.
388
00:15:52,905 --> 00:15:54,873
Terrence, I believe in you!
389
00:15:54,941 --> 00:15:56,107
(GASPS)
390
00:15:56,175 --> 00:15:58,944
This is horrible!
Believing doesn't work.
391
00:15:59,011 --> 00:16:01,980
- Believing doesn't work!
- Just slow down!
392
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,248
Here we go. It's working!
393
00:16:03,316 --> 00:16:04,350
- Yes!
- It's working!
394
00:16:04,417 --> 00:16:05,384
Oh... wait. What's happening?
395
00:16:05,452 --> 00:16:06,885
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(SPLAT)
396
00:16:06,953 --> 00:16:10,322
Mmm.
Street pancakes!
397
00:16:10,389 --> 00:16:11,323
(TIRES SCREECH)
398
00:16:11,390 --> 00:16:14,425
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
399
00:16:18,931 --> 00:16:21,366
(GROWLS)
400
00:16:21,433 --> 00:16:24,769
You have come seeking
the Goblet of Valtoris,
401
00:16:24,837 --> 00:16:28,073
little knight, but you
must answer my riddle first.
402
00:16:28,140 --> 00:16:29,941
And if you answer poorly,
403
00:16:30,009 --> 00:16:33,378
I will gnaw the flesh from your bones.
404
00:16:33,445 --> 00:16:35,580
What is your riddle, foul beast?
405
00:16:35,647 --> 00:16:39,083
Until I am measured, I am...
406
00:16:39,150 --> 00:16:40,217
- Time.
- What?
407
00:16:40,285 --> 00:16:43,220
- I'm not finished with the riddle.
- I know, but the answer is time.
408
00:16:43,288 --> 00:16:45,990
It may... you know, it
may be, but it may not be.
409
00:16:46,057 --> 00:16:47,724
Until I am measured I am not known,
410
00:16:47,792 --> 00:16:50,361
yet how you miss me when I have flown.
It's time.
411
00:16:50,428 --> 00:16:52,629
Well, you heard the riddle before.
That's not fair.
412
00:16:52,697 --> 00:16:53,898
If you'd told me that, I would have
413
00:16:53,965 --> 00:16:56,166
asked you a different
riddle, like this one.
414
00:16:56,234 --> 00:16:59,469
I drive men mad for love of...
415
00:16:59,537 --> 00:17:01,005
- Gold!
- Oh, come on!
416
00:17:01,072 --> 00:17:03,007
- Do you have any more riddles?
- No. I don't.
417
00:17:03,074 --> 00:17:04,374
Those were my only two riddles.
418
00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,475
Well, then I have
passed your challenge.
419
00:17:06,543 --> 00:17:09,545
Now give me the goblet,
you stinking brute!
420
00:17:09,613 --> 00:17:12,215
Do you think... let me ask you.
Do you think it's weird
421
00:17:12,283 --> 00:17:14,417
- that I've never had a girlfriend?
- What?
422
00:17:14,484 --> 00:17:15,751
I'm not trying to be gross,
423
00:17:15,819 --> 00:17:19,355
but how many times a day
do you, uh, masturbate?
424
00:17:19,423 --> 00:17:20,924
What? N-no.
425
00:17:20,991 --> 00:17:22,558
Because I'm, uh...
I'm on that thing, like,
426
00:17:22,626 --> 00:17:24,227
nine, maybe ten times a day.
427
00:17:24,295 --> 00:17:25,761
Can we just do the
goblet thing, please?
428
00:17:25,829 --> 00:17:27,130
And it doesn't make me happy.
429
00:17:27,197 --> 00:17:28,998
Like, I never...
I'm never happy afterwards.
430
00:17:29,066 --> 00:17:30,266
Just empty.
431
00:17:30,334 --> 00:17:33,836
- Oh.
- God, I feel so old.
432
00:17:33,904 --> 00:17:37,005
And I never finish anything I start,
except masturbating.
433
00:17:37,073 --> 00:17:38,206
I finish that.
(CHUCKLES)
434
00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:40,409
Well, I-I must be off.
435
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:43,145
Hey, uh, maybe you and me
could take a vacation together.
436
00:17:43,212 --> 00:17:44,679
You know what?
Let me just... hold up.
437
00:17:44,747 --> 00:17:47,049
Let me get your contact
info, so we can plan it.
438
00:17:47,116 --> 00:17:48,483
- It'll be fun.
- You know, uh,
439
00:17:48,551 --> 00:17:49,918
I'll get in touch with you about it.
440
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,054
So, can I just have
the Goblet of Valtoris?
441
00:17:52,121 --> 00:17:53,322
Ooh! Wait.
442
00:17:53,389 --> 00:17:58,460
I am afraid you must
answer my riddle first.
443
00:17:58,527 --> 00:17:59,995
Who's my best friend?
444
00:18:00,063 --> 00:18:02,331
(SIGHS)
Me.
445
00:18:02,398 --> 00:18:06,267
(LAUGHS) You are good.
You're good!
446
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:09,637
All right. Farewell, brave knight.
447
00:18:09,705 --> 00:18:12,173
Okay!
448
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,408
(SIGHS)
449
00:18:14,477 --> 00:18:15,643
Number 11.
(SQUIRT)
450
00:18:17,980 --> 00:18:19,146
(MEOW)
451
00:18:19,214 --> 00:18:23,017
Huh?
(MEOWING)
452
00:18:23,085 --> 00:18:26,153
Hey, do you take debit?
453
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:33,927
(BOTH LAUGH OBNOXIOUSLY)
454
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:39,833
Okay...
455
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:41,101
(VOMITS)
456
00:18:41,168 --> 00:18:42,769
- Triptank.
- My name is Tim Laroy.
457
00:18:42,837 --> 00:18:45,205
I just noticed that a lot of times,
when you play your skits,
458
00:18:45,272 --> 00:18:48,408
they don't let me
achieve full toss-off.
459
00:18:48,476 --> 00:18:51,845
Because by the time the skit is over,
I'm just gettin' started.
460
00:18:51,913 --> 00:18:53,013
Um.
461
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:54,381
If you could just make your skits
462
00:18:54,448 --> 00:18:57,083
last a little bit longer...
say 35, 40 minutes...
463
00:18:57,151 --> 00:18:58,385
'cause it really take me that much time
464
00:18:58,452 --> 00:19:00,586
to get a sandwich, get a thing of wine,
465
00:19:00,654 --> 00:19:03,089
relax, get my wrist
loosened up, get out my
466
00:19:03,090 --> 00:19:05,525
cocoa and/or shea butter
and really get goin'.
467
00:19:05,592 --> 00:19:07,627
(PLEASANT MUSIC)
468
00:19:08,830 --> 00:19:11,130
- It's Triptank.
- Yeah, hello.
469
00:19:11,198 --> 00:19:12,031
I'm calling back, mother
(BLEEP)!
470
00:19:12,099 --> 00:19:13,500
You (BLEEP)
hold me?
471
00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:15,868
I'm gonna (BLEEP) hold your wife,
your (BLEEP) kids.
472
00:19:15,936 --> 00:19:18,271
If you're a gay lover,
I'll (BLEEP) hold your husband!
473
00:19:18,338 --> 00:19:20,072
- Okay.
- But seriously,
474
00:19:20,140 --> 00:19:22,175
I'm just calling back to say
how much I love the show, man.
475
00:19:22,242 --> 00:19:23,442
It's like a bowl of cereal.
476
00:19:23,510 --> 00:19:26,478
It's really good, okay?
Merry christmas.
477
00:19:30,717 --> 00:19:32,084
(FART)
478
00:19:34,188 --> 00:19:36,189
(BIRD SQUAWKS)
479
00:19:36,256 --> 00:19:37,356
(HOOTS)
480
00:19:39,892 --> 00:19:42,894
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
481
00:19:47,967 --> 00:19:49,801
Oh, shit.
482
00:19:49,869 --> 00:19:53,338
(DUBSTEP MUSIC)
483
00:19:53,405 --> 00:19:54,906
Think.
484
00:20:00,746 --> 00:20:02,347
(LAUGHS)
485
00:20:02,414 --> 00:20:04,849
Language.
486
00:20:04,916 --> 00:20:07,584
Ooh-ooh-ah...
my name is Steve.
487
00:20:07,652 --> 00:20:09,153
Hey.
488
00:20:23,634 --> 00:20:24,668
Spring break.
489
00:20:30,207 --> 00:20:32,642
Think.
490
00:20:32,710 --> 00:20:33,877
Spam bot.
491
00:20:33,944 --> 00:20:35,945
(LAUGHS)
492
00:20:39,149 --> 00:20:40,717
Hey, come on, man.
Just chill out, bro.
493
00:20:43,454 --> 00:20:45,589
Virus.
494
00:20:49,494 --> 00:20:52,201
(PLEASANT MUSIC)
495
00:20:54,694 --> 00:20:57,375
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~ 36043
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