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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,947 S01E04 - The Green 2 00:00:00,948 --> 00:00:04,184 Would you like a happy ending to your massage? 3 00:00:04,252 --> 00:00:06,553 Uh... (CHUCKLES) What? 4 00:00:06,620 --> 00:00:08,221 Uh, sure. 5 00:00:08,289 --> 00:00:12,925 - This man is your birth father! - Oh, wow. 6 00:00:12,992 --> 00:00:16,228 Not what I was expecting but, um, this is pretty cool. 7 00:00:16,296 --> 00:00:20,838 - Uh, how are you, sir? - I'm gonna give you a hand job. 8 00:00:22,135 --> 00:00:25,171 (UPBEAT MUSIC) 9 00:00:25,238 --> 00:00:26,772 S01E04 - The Green 10 00:00:26,839 --> 00:00:28,640 And I was like, "sorry, man. 11 00:00:28,708 --> 00:00:30,842 I just wasted my last miracle on a duck." 12 00:00:30,910 --> 00:00:34,180 (LAUGHTER) 13 00:00:34,247 --> 00:00:36,714 All right, guys. I've, uh, got us some more water. 14 00:00:36,782 --> 00:00:39,150 (LAUGHS) Excellent. 15 00:00:39,218 --> 00:00:41,553 Uh, Jesus, if, uh, you'll do the honors? 16 00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:43,588 (CHUCKLES) Don't mind if I do. 17 00:00:43,655 --> 00:00:45,156 (CLEARS THROAT) 18 00:00:45,224 --> 00:00:48,159 (MUSICAL CHIMES) Ding, ding, ding, di... 19 00:00:48,227 --> 00:00:50,428 Oh, (BLEEP) I touched his hand instead. 20 00:00:50,496 --> 00:00:51,729 (GROANS) W-what does... 21 00:00:51,797 --> 00:00:53,764 What does that mean? What did you just do? 22 00:00:53,832 --> 00:00:57,802 I just turned all the water in his body into red wine. 23 00:00:57,869 --> 00:00:59,804 Well, how much water was in his body? 24 00:00:59,871 --> 00:01:01,038 Dude, people are made of, like, 25 00:01:01,106 --> 00:01:03,407 70% water or something. 26 00:01:03,475 --> 00:01:05,977 So... so you just turned 70% 27 00:01:06,044 --> 00:01:08,479 of his biological make-up into wine? 28 00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:11,882 - (GROANS) Y-yes. - Well, (BLEEP) change him back! 29 00:01:11,950 --> 00:01:14,351 - I don't know how! - Well, who does? 30 00:01:14,419 --> 00:01:18,555 - Um, um, Satan maybe? - Then call him! 31 00:01:18,624 --> 00:01:20,658 Right, right. Yup, yup, yup, yup. 32 00:01:20,726 --> 00:01:23,828 He's dead! He's dead. 33 00:01:25,029 --> 00:01:27,964 (SIGHS) 34 00:01:28,032 --> 00:01:30,434 (PHONE RINGING) 35 00:01:30,502 --> 00:01:33,670 - Triptank. How can I help you? - I'm very angry at a lot of things, 36 00:01:33,738 --> 00:01:36,673 but you have topped my (BLEEP) list, Triptank! 37 00:01:36,741 --> 00:01:38,708 Is that a tank I'm supposed to trip in? 38 00:01:38,776 --> 00:01:42,446 You got some kind of L.S.D. L.C.D. hippy shit goin' on? 39 00:01:42,514 --> 00:01:44,615 I will find you and I will slit every one 40 00:01:44,617 --> 00:01:47,250 of your throats with a smile on my face. 41 00:01:47,252 --> 00:01:50,019 Let me transfer you to that department. Hold, please. 42 00:01:50,021 --> 00:01:51,220 Wouldn't take any of their barbarian bullshit. 43 00:01:51,222 --> 00:01:52,488 I got it, Roy. Don't worry about it. 44 00:01:52,490 --> 00:01:54,123 Donkey-kick that leather diaper-wearin' 45 00:01:54,125 --> 00:01:57,660 King diamond wannabe right into the (BLEEP) next week. 46 00:01:57,662 --> 00:02:00,196 Triptank. How can I help you? 47 00:02:00,198 --> 00:02:03,266 - Dad, come quick! - What is it, son? 48 00:02:03,268 --> 00:02:06,001 It's grandma. She's not breathing! 49 00:02:06,003 --> 00:02:09,104 - I think she's dead! - Oh, dear. 50 00:02:09,106 --> 00:02:11,840 Welp, I guess I've got to book a funeral then. 51 00:02:11,842 --> 00:02:14,176 Aw, I hate boring funerals. 52 00:02:14,178 --> 00:02:18,113 I know, kiddo. I do too, but it's the only way. 53 00:02:20,016 --> 00:02:21,316 Hold it right there! 54 00:02:21,318 --> 00:02:23,152 Are you sick of dreary and bland funerals 55 00:02:23,154 --> 00:02:25,620 - takin' up your entire day? - Boy, am I! 56 00:02:25,622 --> 00:02:29,758 Then come on down to "Pete's extreme funeral parlor!" 57 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:32,327 We spice up the every day conventional funeral 58 00:02:32,329 --> 00:02:34,829 and turn it into a fun-filled extravaganza 59 00:02:34,831 --> 00:02:37,631 to entertain friends and family of the recently deceased. 60 00:02:37,633 --> 00:02:40,267 For just $599, the crematory catapult hurls 61 00:02:40,269 --> 00:02:43,104 your dearly departed through the flaming hoops of death, 62 00:02:43,106 --> 00:02:44,371 then shoots them into the sky, 63 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:46,040 where they'll explode into ashes, 64 00:02:46,042 --> 00:02:47,241 which will be spread across 65 00:02:47,243 --> 00:02:49,310 - the beautiful, green Earth! - Extreme! 66 00:02:49,312 --> 00:02:51,378 For a ridiculous $799, 67 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,815 we'll open the portal to the Quigon dimension, 68 00:02:53,817 --> 00:02:55,016 where the dead body will be turned 69 00:02:55,018 --> 00:02:56,383 into subatomic particles, which will explode 70 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:59,687 into separate universes at once, causing a dimensional paradox, 71 00:02:59,689 --> 00:03:01,488 destroying all matter and life as we know it! 72 00:03:01,490 --> 00:03:02,889 Extreme dimensional paradox! 73 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:06,026 We do it all. Come down for a discounted doozy. 74 00:03:06,028 --> 00:03:08,529 Pick from a wide range of exciting options 75 00:03:08,531 --> 00:03:11,749 of what you think would be the most appropriate and entertaining 76 00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:14,968 way to send your dead loved ones soaring into heaven. 77 00:03:14,970 --> 00:03:18,272 You do want your loved ones to go to heaven, don't you? 78 00:03:18,274 --> 00:03:19,573 Call now! 79 00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:23,110 (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) 80 00:03:23,177 --> 00:03:26,280 Tiny hippo had a tiny train. 81 00:03:26,348 --> 00:03:28,181 He loved that train... (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) 82 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,251 and they went everywhere together, 83 00:03:30,318 --> 00:03:34,820 laughin' and playin' all throughout their tiny world. 84 00:03:34,888 --> 00:03:38,324 Then one day, tiny raven swooped down 85 00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:40,860 and stole the tiny train. 86 00:03:40,927 --> 00:03:43,696 This made tiny hippo very sad. 87 00:03:43,764 --> 00:03:47,467 But he decided that he would be brave. 88 00:03:47,534 --> 00:03:51,537 So the next day, he walked up the tiny mountain, 89 00:03:51,605 --> 00:03:53,539 crossed through the tiny valley, 90 00:03:53,607 --> 00:03:56,542 climbed up the tiny oak tree, 91 00:03:56,610 --> 00:04:00,079 and shanked tiny raven's tiny bitch ass. 92 00:04:00,147 --> 00:04:01,347 (BIRD SQUAWKS) 93 00:04:01,415 --> 00:04:02,548 (LAUGHS) 94 00:04:02,616 --> 00:04:05,918 Ain't no one (BLEEP) with tiny hippo. 95 00:04:05,986 --> 00:04:08,354 No one. (PHONE RINGING) 96 00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:09,722 - Triptank. - I got this song. 97 00:04:09,790 --> 00:04:11,090 I really think it'd be great 98 00:04:11,158 --> 00:04:12,291 for the end of your show each week. 99 00:04:12,358 --> 00:04:14,326 Okay? Kind of a folk-a-delic, 100 00:04:14,394 --> 00:04:16,795 rodeo-core, easy-listening, black metal, 101 00:04:16,862 --> 00:04:20,064 late '60s vibe, recorded by deaf kids from New Guinea. 102 00:04:20,132 --> 00:04:21,366 Pretty sure you'll love it. 103 00:04:21,434 --> 00:04:22,601 (PHONE RINGING) Please hold. 104 00:04:22,669 --> 00:04:24,202 (SCREAMS) (HEAVY METAL MUSIC) 105 00:04:24,270 --> 00:04:25,537 Hey, kids! 106 00:04:25,605 --> 00:04:26,871 It's time for "versus"! 107 00:04:26,939 --> 00:04:28,206 Versus! 108 00:04:28,274 --> 00:04:31,109 This week's combatants: 109 00:04:31,177 --> 00:04:33,611 third grade soccer team... 110 00:04:33,679 --> 00:04:35,914 - Great kick, Jimmy! - Thanks! 111 00:04:35,981 --> 00:04:38,950 versus... 112 00:04:39,018 --> 00:04:41,986 Mongolian horde. 113 00:04:42,054 --> 00:04:48,092 (ALL SCREAMING) 114 00:04:56,201 --> 00:04:58,536 (ANGELIC MUSIC) 115 00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:01,672 (YAK BELLOWS) 116 00:05:03,208 --> 00:05:04,608 Bring it. 117 00:05:04,676 --> 00:05:05,776 (BLOWS WHISTLE) 118 00:05:05,844 --> 00:05:06,910 Oh. 119 00:05:06,978 --> 00:05:09,413 (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) 120 00:05:09,481 --> 00:05:10,548 (GRUNTS) 121 00:05:10,615 --> 00:05:12,015 (GROANS) 122 00:05:13,952 --> 00:05:16,619 (ALL GRUNTING) 123 00:05:16,687 --> 00:05:17,687 My face! 124 00:05:17,755 --> 00:05:19,622 (BLOWS WHISTLE) 125 00:05:19,690 --> 00:05:22,625 Yes! Good teamwork! 126 00:05:22,693 --> 00:05:24,294 (HIP-HOP MUSIC) 127 00:05:24,362 --> 00:05:26,196 (GROANS) 128 00:05:26,264 --> 00:05:28,531 Oh, running man, classic. 129 00:05:31,802 --> 00:05:36,538 (CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMING) 130 00:05:36,606 --> 00:05:38,074 (LAUGHS) Huh? 131 00:05:38,141 --> 00:05:40,176 ♪ The time to be happy is now ♪ 132 00:05:40,244 --> 00:05:41,577 (GRUNTS) 133 00:05:41,644 --> 00:05:42,811 ♪ and the place ♪ ♪ to be happy is here ♪ 134 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,446 (GRUNTS) Aah! 135 00:05:44,514 --> 00:05:46,315 ♪ and the way to be happy ♪ ♪ is to make someone happy ♪ 136 00:05:46,383 --> 00:05:48,084 You like that? You like that? 137 00:05:48,151 --> 00:05:50,353 ♪ and we'll have a ♪ ♪ little heaven right here ♪ 138 00:05:50,420 --> 00:05:51,854 (BLOWS WHISTLE) 139 00:05:51,922 --> 00:05:53,122 ♪ we'll have a little ♪ ♪ heaven right here ♪ 140 00:05:53,190 --> 00:05:54,623 I want to leave! 141 00:05:54,691 --> 00:05:55,957 ♪ we'll have a little ♪ ♪ heaven right here ♪ 142 00:05:56,025 --> 00:05:57,559 (PANTING) 143 00:05:57,627 --> 00:05:59,528 What time did you say it was? 144 00:05:59,596 --> 00:06:01,597 It's the time to be happy! 145 00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:05,734 WINNER: Third grade soccer team! 146 00:06:05,802 --> 00:06:06,869 (ALL CHEERING) 147 00:06:06,936 --> 00:06:08,303 'Cause you cheat! (GRUNTS) 148 00:06:08,371 --> 00:06:11,072 Everyone gets a trophy! 149 00:06:11,140 --> 00:06:12,240 (PHONE RINGING) 150 00:06:12,308 --> 00:06:13,509 Hello? Triptank. 151 00:06:13,576 --> 00:06:16,111 No, I was calling 'cause I love your show 152 00:06:16,178 --> 00:06:18,280 and I have a little friend here who wants to be on the show. 153 00:06:18,347 --> 00:06:21,482 Can I... can you hear him? He does great voice work. 154 00:06:21,550 --> 00:06:23,018 Scorchy, go ahead. 155 00:06:23,085 --> 00:06:25,787 (KOALA BLABBERING) 156 00:06:25,854 --> 00:06:28,556 Isn't he wonderful? (BLABBERING) Sh... hold on. 157 00:06:28,624 --> 00:06:29,824 He's saying something. 158 00:06:29,892 --> 00:06:31,793 Don't interrupt the little furry (BLEEP). 159 00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:34,094 (BLABBERING) 160 00:06:34,162 --> 00:06:35,430 Oh, my god. Really? 161 00:06:35,497 --> 00:06:36,431 Okay. You know what? 162 00:06:36,498 --> 00:06:37,899 We're gonna pass anyways. 163 00:06:37,966 --> 00:06:40,367 He wants to go to the park and (BLEEP) a dalmatian. 164 00:06:40,436 --> 00:06:42,303 Sorry. 165 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:45,780 (EXPLOSION) 166 00:06:47,111 --> 00:06:50,046 (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) 167 00:06:51,181 --> 00:06:52,382 America, welcome back to... 168 00:06:55,903 --> 00:06:56,969 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 169 00:06:57,037 --> 00:06:59,438 That last round knocked out Carl, 170 00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:02,474 which leaves us with Sharleen and Felipe. 171 00:07:02,543 --> 00:07:04,677 - You ready? - I was born ready, Dickey. 172 00:07:04,745 --> 00:07:07,613 I'm the (BLEEP) whisperer! I can smell it! 173 00:07:07,681 --> 00:07:10,616 All righty, then. Down to our final two contestants 174 00:07:10,684 --> 00:07:14,286 and a chance to play for this week's sexy grand prize. 175 00:07:14,354 --> 00:07:16,488 Stu, tell 'em what it is! 176 00:07:16,556 --> 00:07:21,460 A weekend at the white tail nudist resort in beautiful Kansas City! 177 00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:22,761 ALL: Ooh! 178 00:07:22,828 --> 00:07:24,163 All right. 179 00:07:24,230 --> 00:07:26,331 Let's see what Ivana Humpanova has hidden 180 00:07:26,399 --> 00:07:28,067 behind the curtain for this final challenge 181 00:07:28,134 --> 00:07:30,369 of "do you think he can (BLEEP)?" 182 00:07:31,437 --> 00:07:33,939 What a surprise! Yes, yes, y'all! 183 00:07:34,006 --> 00:07:35,606 Stephen Hawking, ladies and gentlemen. 184 00:07:35,674 --> 00:07:36,840 (COMPUTERIZED MUMBLING) 185 00:07:36,908 --> 00:07:38,943 Sharleen and Felipe, you have ten seconds 186 00:07:39,010 --> 00:07:40,644 to decide whether Stephen Hawking 187 00:07:40,712 --> 00:07:44,716 can actually (BLEEP), starting now! 188 00:07:48,620 --> 00:07:51,122 Felipe, we'll start with you. 189 00:07:51,190 --> 00:07:54,325 Stephen Hawking, famed physicist and black hole pioneer... 190 00:07:54,393 --> 00:07:56,527 Do you think he can (BLEEP)? 191 00:07:56,595 --> 00:07:58,128 No, no, no. The junk don't work. 192 00:07:58,196 --> 00:07:59,229 ALL: Ooh! 193 00:07:59,297 --> 00:08:01,899 That is a brave choice, Felipe. 194 00:08:01,967 --> 00:08:04,401 Sharleen, what is your answer? 195 00:08:04,469 --> 00:08:06,837 Baste my boobies and call me a turkey. 196 00:08:06,905 --> 00:08:09,439 Yes, he can! Whoo! 197 00:08:09,507 --> 00:08:11,842 (LAUGHS) Wow. A split decision. 198 00:08:11,910 --> 00:08:14,544 Well, the answer is... Yes! 199 00:08:14,613 --> 00:08:16,780 Stephen Hawking can (BLEEP)! 200 00:08:16,848 --> 00:08:20,183 Sharleen, my little trailer trash cutie, you are the winner! 201 00:08:20,251 --> 00:08:21,818 (COMPUTERIZED) Oh, yes! Oh, yes! 202 00:08:21,885 --> 00:08:22,785 - Big bang... - Oh, yeah. 203 00:08:22,853 --> 00:08:23,987 Taste my milky way. 204 00:08:24,054 --> 00:08:25,322 - I can (BLEEP). - Yes! 205 00:08:25,389 --> 00:08:26,389 I can (BLEEP). 206 00:08:26,457 --> 00:08:28,291 Yes, you can, Stephen. Up top! 207 00:08:28,359 --> 00:08:30,059 Oh, that's not gonna happen. 208 00:08:30,128 --> 00:08:32,129 Well, Felipe, you played a hell of a game, 209 00:08:32,196 --> 00:08:35,132 but you won't go home empty-handed, my brother. (CHUCKLES) 210 00:08:35,199 --> 00:08:36,399 Stu, tell 'em what you got. 211 00:08:36,467 --> 00:08:40,503 Felipe, your name will now appear on the national sex offender list. 212 00:08:40,570 --> 00:08:42,671 - ALL: Ooh! - Congratulations! 213 00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:44,840 Aah, why? (SOBS) 214 00:08:44,907 --> 00:08:48,210 (SEXUAL MOANING) Aw, shit! 215 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:51,013 You know what that sound means. It's time for the... 216 00:08:53,250 --> 00:08:57,153 That's right. And now, Sharleen, the chance to win it all. 217 00:08:57,220 --> 00:08:59,955 Starting now! 218 00:09:00,023 --> 00:09:01,590 Yes. Yes. 219 00:09:01,658 --> 00:09:02,823 No. Uh, yes. 220 00:09:02,891 --> 00:09:05,293 Uh, no. No. No. No. 221 00:09:05,361 --> 00:09:07,028 Yes. Yes. No! 222 00:09:07,095 --> 00:09:09,564 Yes, yes. No. Hell yeah! 223 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,999 Wow. That was a hell of a round. 224 00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:14,602 Look at you. How do you feel? 225 00:09:14,670 --> 00:09:17,605 I'm as tired as two rabbits screwin' in a wool sock. 226 00:09:17,673 --> 00:09:19,874 - Did I win? - Let's go to the judges. 227 00:09:19,941 --> 00:09:23,010 (DRUMMING) 228 00:09:23,078 --> 00:09:25,146 Sharleen... 229 00:09:25,213 --> 00:09:27,447 You... have... won. 230 00:09:27,515 --> 00:09:29,950 (LAUGHS) 231 00:09:30,018 --> 00:09:31,485 Hey, thank you so much for joining us. 232 00:09:31,553 --> 00:09:33,054 Tune in next time for... 233 00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:36,423 (PHONE RINGING) 234 00:09:36,491 --> 00:09:37,758 - Triptank. - Hey, listen, man. 235 00:09:37,826 --> 00:09:41,028 This is the department of energy. Yeah, you need to shut down. 236 00:09:41,096 --> 00:09:42,830 You're usin' up too much energy, man. 237 00:09:42,898 --> 00:09:45,765 The polar ice caps are melting. I'm sure you've heard about it. 238 00:09:45,833 --> 00:09:47,433 - Well, uh... - Okay. 239 00:09:47,501 --> 00:09:49,069 Why don't you drop the sarcasm? 240 00:09:49,136 --> 00:09:52,138 I'm standing here wearing flood pants, okay? 241 00:09:52,206 --> 00:09:55,041 You've got what you call an Arizona shit storm, 242 00:09:55,109 --> 00:09:57,643 and there's one comin' your way, wise-ass. 243 00:09:57,845 --> 00:09:59,678 (PHONE RINGING) 244 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,047 Mm-mm-mm. 245 00:10:01,049 --> 00:10:02,882 I'd like to snack on a piece of that Gina. 246 00:10:02,884 --> 00:10:04,517 - Roy, please. Don't. - She is one hot stuff 247 00:10:04,519 --> 00:10:06,986 piece of cupcake little mama. Whoo! 248 00:10:06,988 --> 00:10:08,186 I got it, Roy. Don't worry about it. 249 00:10:08,188 --> 00:10:10,890 Stay back, you son of a bitch. Gina's mine. 250 00:10:10,892 --> 00:10:13,191 (CACKLING) 251 00:10:13,193 --> 00:10:16,429 We begin with newt juice! 252 00:10:16,431 --> 00:10:19,698 Add a drop of dragon's blood! 253 00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:23,969 A freshly squeezed Brazilian forest rumpletoad! 254 00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:27,773 A whisker from a naughty witch's kitty! 255 00:10:27,775 --> 00:10:30,142 A handful of virgin eyeballs! 256 00:10:30,144 --> 00:10:34,046 And now we say the magic words. 257 00:10:34,048 --> 00:10:37,149 Wakabazoo! (LAUGHS) 258 00:10:37,151 --> 00:10:40,986 At last, it is complete! 259 00:10:43,323 --> 00:10:46,191 Oh, yeah. 260 00:10:46,259 --> 00:10:48,126 That's some good shit! 261 00:10:48,194 --> 00:10:50,027 (CACKLES MANIACALLY) 262 00:10:50,095 --> 00:10:51,329 (VOMITS) 263 00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:53,745 (PLEASANT MUSIC) 264 00:10:53,813 --> 00:10:57,382 - Hello? - Oh, baby, oh. 265 00:10:57,450 --> 00:11:00,652 If only I could just put out my hand and touch you. 266 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,854 Touch your hair and your... 267 00:11:02,921 --> 00:11:06,524 - I'm sorry. Who is this? - What? It's Jeff. 268 00:11:06,592 --> 00:11:10,928 Jeff, I'm sorry. You're not in my phone anymore. 269 00:11:10,996 --> 00:11:12,830 We broke up, like, two hours ago. 270 00:11:12,897 --> 00:11:13,930 What are you talking about? (PHONE BEEPS) 271 00:11:13,998 --> 00:11:15,733 Ooh, I got to get this. 272 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,301 My dad was so happy, he just bought me a car. 273 00:11:18,370 --> 00:11:19,870 - What? - Isn't that so nice? 274 00:11:19,937 --> 00:11:21,605 - That's why you got to go? - Bye! 275 00:11:21,673 --> 00:11:23,574 But... I love you. 276 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:24,541 (DIAL TONE) 277 00:11:24,609 --> 00:11:25,642 (CRIES) 278 00:11:25,710 --> 00:11:29,145 Hey, can you say that last bit just a little bit louder? 279 00:11:29,213 --> 00:11:33,350 - Guys, are you recording this? - Uh, nope. 280 00:11:33,418 --> 00:11:36,086 Because the thing about humans is, 281 00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:39,122 humans need privacy, all right? 282 00:11:39,190 --> 00:11:42,392 Especially when they're getting stabbed 283 00:11:42,459 --> 00:11:44,861 in their human heart! (CRIES) 284 00:11:44,929 --> 00:11:48,631 - Hey, what's privacy? - I don't know. (TOILET FLUSHES) 285 00:11:48,699 --> 00:11:51,167 ♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪ 286 00:11:51,235 --> 00:11:52,903 ♪ the galactic council sent them ♪ 287 00:11:52,970 --> 00:11:54,437 ALL: # and here's the reason why # 288 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:55,671 ♪ their mission is to study ♪ 289 00:11:55,739 --> 00:11:58,775 ♪ Earth's most average guy ♪ 290 00:11:58,842 --> 00:12:00,110 ALL: # to see if humans are worth saving # 291 00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:02,011 ♪ or if everyone has to die ♪ 292 00:12:03,479 --> 00:12:05,080 Wait. What? 293 00:12:05,148 --> 00:12:06,581 ALL: Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! 294 00:12:06,649 --> 00:12:08,050 - Can you take us to the zoo? - Ooh, ooh, ooh. 295 00:12:08,118 --> 00:12:11,253 The zoo? Huh. No, I don't think so. 296 00:12:11,321 --> 00:12:16,025 I'm not leavin' this house for a very, very long time. 297 00:12:16,092 --> 00:12:17,426 Well, what about when you're happy again? 298 00:12:17,493 --> 00:12:19,228 Can we go then? 299 00:12:19,296 --> 00:12:21,997 When I'm happy again, we can do whatever the hell you want. 300 00:12:22,065 --> 00:12:24,666 ALL: Yay! 301 00:12:26,069 --> 00:12:27,736 Would a puppy make you happy? 302 00:12:27,804 --> 00:12:28,937 (DOG BARKS) 303 00:12:29,004 --> 00:12:30,939 (SIGHS) No, I'm sorry, guys. 304 00:12:31,006 --> 00:12:32,640 ALL: Aw... 305 00:12:32,707 --> 00:12:33,841 Aah! 306 00:12:33,909 --> 00:12:36,177 How about a lot more puppies? 307 00:12:36,245 --> 00:12:38,579 Uh, appreciate the sentiment, 308 00:12:38,647 --> 00:12:41,316 but you need to do somethin' with these puppies. 309 00:12:41,383 --> 00:12:43,985 - Right now! - Aw. 310 00:12:44,053 --> 00:12:47,322 Hey, Jeff. What do you think of this jacket? 311 00:12:47,389 --> 00:12:49,890 It's custom tailored just for you! 312 00:12:49,959 --> 00:12:53,928 This is actually pretty cool, guys. I'm imp... 313 00:12:53,995 --> 00:12:55,596 Oh, my god! 314 00:12:55,664 --> 00:12:57,498 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 315 00:12:57,566 --> 00:13:01,735 No! No! God, forgive us. Forgive us, god! 316 00:13:01,803 --> 00:13:03,003 (KNOCK AT DOOR) (GASPS) 317 00:13:03,071 --> 00:13:04,805 Aah! 318 00:13:04,873 --> 00:13:07,174 Get out of here. 319 00:13:07,241 --> 00:13:10,544 - Linda? - I'm not ready to give up on us. 320 00:13:14,916 --> 00:13:16,617 (MOANS) 321 00:13:16,685 --> 00:13:18,885 (MOANS) 322 00:13:21,121 --> 00:13:22,288 Wow. (CHUCKLES) 323 00:13:22,356 --> 00:13:25,525 That is the best sex we have ever had. 324 00:13:25,593 --> 00:13:26,993 (LAUGHS) 325 00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:28,695 Are you happy, Jeff? 326 00:13:28,762 --> 00:13:33,500 I think this might be the best day of my life. 327 00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:34,667 - Great. - Oh! 328 00:13:34,735 --> 00:13:35,502 Now you can take us to the zoo. 329 00:13:35,569 --> 00:13:37,537 ALL: Yay! 330 00:13:37,605 --> 00:13:40,406 (PLEASANT MUSIC) 331 00:13:40,474 --> 00:13:41,731 (EXPLOSION) 332 00:13:42,349 --> 00:13:44,516 - Triptank. - Yeah, hey. 333 00:13:44,584 --> 00:13:46,117 I'm calling to say that this (BLEEP) show 334 00:13:46,185 --> 00:13:47,551 is my favorite (BLEEP) show, man. 335 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:51,155 I love it. I watch it 24/7, christmas morning. 336 00:13:51,223 --> 00:13:52,556 It doesn't come once a year. 337 00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:54,358 It comes every time I (BLEEP). 338 00:13:54,426 --> 00:13:56,894 - I (BLEEP) watch the show, man. - Of course. 339 00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:58,129 Man, like, when I was a kid, 340 00:13:58,197 --> 00:13:59,797 My daddy died, and I thought I could never 341 00:13:59,865 --> 00:14:01,899 love anything again, man, but this (BLEEP) show 342 00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:04,001 is better than my (BLEEP) dad that died. 343 00:14:04,069 --> 00:14:07,804 - Uh... - You don't love my love? 344 00:14:07,872 --> 00:14:10,139 I give you (BLEEP) love for the (BLEEP) show, 345 00:14:10,207 --> 00:14:13,008 and you (BLEEP) throw hot cooking oil in my (BLEEP) face? 346 00:14:13,076 --> 00:14:15,510 (BLEEP) you. I will (BLEEP) kill you (BLEEP)... 347 00:14:15,578 --> 00:14:17,179 I'll give you five bucks to put him on hold. 348 00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:19,180 - Hold, please. - Mother... 349 00:14:20,217 --> 00:14:23,953 I bet you really regret running that story about Joey Valvano. 350 00:14:24,020 --> 00:14:26,355 Now we're about to make my favorite breakfast food: 351 00:14:26,422 --> 00:14:28,590 street pancakes. (CHUCKLES) 352 00:14:28,658 --> 00:14:31,627 No, please don't! Wait... who... whoa! 353 00:14:31,694 --> 00:14:32,827 (GASPS) 354 00:14:32,895 --> 00:14:35,529 - You saved me. - It was really no problem, ma'am. 355 00:14:35,597 --> 00:14:38,599 Glad to help. My name is Terrence. Yours? 356 00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,601 Oh, um, Caitlin. The name's Caitlin. 357 00:14:40,669 --> 00:14:42,470 - Nice name. - Uh, thank you. 358 00:14:42,537 --> 00:14:44,105 Pretty name for a pretty lady. 359 00:14:44,173 --> 00:14:45,106 Are you flirting with me, because I... 360 00:14:45,174 --> 00:14:46,841 - No, ma'am. - Oh. 361 00:14:46,909 --> 00:14:48,743 Oh, all right. Well, um, gosh. 362 00:14:48,811 --> 00:14:52,346 - Thanks for saving me, again. - Still no problem. 363 00:14:52,414 --> 00:14:54,749 (CLEARS THROAT) 364 00:14:54,817 --> 00:14:56,284 Are you gonna land? 365 00:14:56,351 --> 00:14:58,386 Absolutely, but we have a little problem. 366 00:14:58,453 --> 00:15:00,454 (LAUGHS) Problem? What... what's that? 367 00:15:00,522 --> 00:15:03,457 - I've never flown before. - Wait. What? 368 00:15:03,525 --> 00:15:06,360 I-I saw a falling woman and I just wished really hard, and then I flew. 369 00:15:06,428 --> 00:15:07,961 - What?! - I know, it's really weird. 370 00:15:08,029 --> 00:15:10,698 So, yeah, eventually we will land, but I don't think 371 00:15:10,699 --> 00:15:13,367 it's going to be like in the movies where I just slow up. 372 00:15:13,435 --> 00:15:15,670 You know? We are flying pretty fast. 373 00:15:15,737 --> 00:15:16,937 I have to go to a meeting! 374 00:15:17,005 --> 00:15:18,372 - Where is it? - It's on Park Avenue. 375 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,907 - Can you see it from here? - No, I can't... 376 00:15:19,974 --> 00:15:23,543 We are in the sky, and we keep on going up. 377 00:15:23,611 --> 00:15:25,745 - Can you fly? - No. 378 00:15:25,813 --> 00:15:28,281 Well, I just found out I could fly, so be grateful. 379 00:15:28,349 --> 00:15:30,950 How important is this meeting anyway? You were about to die. 380 00:15:31,018 --> 00:15:34,321 I wasn't planning on dying, so I... Okay. You know what? 381 00:15:34,388 --> 00:15:36,889 Let's just do this like a plane. 382 00:15:36,957 --> 00:15:39,959 - Uh, I'm a person. - I know. I know you're a person. 383 00:15:40,027 --> 00:15:43,697 - I need you to start to fly downward. - That sounds so scary. 384 00:15:43,764 --> 00:15:46,332 Come on, you're, like, 260 pounds of muscle. 385 00:15:46,399 --> 00:15:47,666 I know you can land. 386 00:15:47,734 --> 00:15:49,802 Maybe that's it! Just believe. 387 00:15:49,869 --> 00:15:52,838 - Just believe in me. - Oh, my god. 388 00:15:52,905 --> 00:15:54,873 Terrence, I believe in you! 389 00:15:54,941 --> 00:15:56,107 (GASPS) 390 00:15:56,175 --> 00:15:58,944 This is horrible! Believing doesn't work. 391 00:15:59,011 --> 00:16:01,980 - Believing doesn't work! - Just slow down! 392 00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,248 Here we go. It's working! 393 00:16:03,316 --> 00:16:04,350 - Yes! - It's working! 394 00:16:04,417 --> 00:16:05,384 Oh... wait. What's happening? 395 00:16:05,452 --> 00:16:06,885 (BOTH SCREAMING) (SPLAT) 396 00:16:06,953 --> 00:16:10,322 Mmm. Street pancakes! 397 00:16:10,389 --> 00:16:11,323 (TIRES SCREECH) 398 00:16:11,390 --> 00:16:14,425 (OMINOUS MUSIC) 399 00:16:18,931 --> 00:16:21,366 (GROWLS) 400 00:16:21,433 --> 00:16:24,769 You have come seeking the Goblet of Valtoris, 401 00:16:24,837 --> 00:16:28,073 little knight, but you must answer my riddle first. 402 00:16:28,140 --> 00:16:29,941 And if you answer poorly, 403 00:16:30,009 --> 00:16:33,378 I will gnaw the flesh from your bones. 404 00:16:33,445 --> 00:16:35,580 What is your riddle, foul beast? 405 00:16:35,647 --> 00:16:39,083 Until I am measured, I am... 406 00:16:39,150 --> 00:16:40,217 - Time. - What? 407 00:16:40,285 --> 00:16:43,220 - I'm not finished with the riddle. - I know, but the answer is time. 408 00:16:43,288 --> 00:16:45,990 It may... you know, it may be, but it may not be. 409 00:16:46,057 --> 00:16:47,724 Until I am measured I am not known, 410 00:16:47,792 --> 00:16:50,361 yet how you miss me when I have flown. It's time. 411 00:16:50,428 --> 00:16:52,629 Well, you heard the riddle before. That's not fair. 412 00:16:52,697 --> 00:16:53,898 If you'd told me that, I would have 413 00:16:53,965 --> 00:16:56,166 asked you a different riddle, like this one. 414 00:16:56,234 --> 00:16:59,469 I drive men mad for love of... 415 00:16:59,537 --> 00:17:01,005 - Gold! - Oh, come on! 416 00:17:01,072 --> 00:17:03,007 - Do you have any more riddles? - No. I don't. 417 00:17:03,074 --> 00:17:04,374 Those were my only two riddles. 418 00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,475 Well, then I have passed your challenge. 419 00:17:06,543 --> 00:17:09,545 Now give me the goblet, you stinking brute! 420 00:17:09,613 --> 00:17:12,215 Do you think... let me ask you. Do you think it's weird 421 00:17:12,283 --> 00:17:14,417 - that I've never had a girlfriend? - What? 422 00:17:14,484 --> 00:17:15,751 I'm not trying to be gross, 423 00:17:15,819 --> 00:17:19,355 but how many times a day do you, uh, masturbate? 424 00:17:19,423 --> 00:17:20,924 What? N-no. 425 00:17:20,991 --> 00:17:22,558 Because I'm, uh... I'm on that thing, like, 426 00:17:22,626 --> 00:17:24,227 nine, maybe ten times a day. 427 00:17:24,295 --> 00:17:25,761 Can we just do the goblet thing, please? 428 00:17:25,829 --> 00:17:27,130 And it doesn't make me happy. 429 00:17:27,197 --> 00:17:28,998 Like, I never... I'm never happy afterwards. 430 00:17:29,066 --> 00:17:30,266 Just empty. 431 00:17:30,334 --> 00:17:33,836 - Oh. - God, I feel so old. 432 00:17:33,904 --> 00:17:37,005 And I never finish anything I start, except masturbating. 433 00:17:37,073 --> 00:17:38,206 I finish that. (CHUCKLES) 434 00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:40,409 Well, I-I must be off. 435 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:43,145 Hey, uh, maybe you and me could take a vacation together. 436 00:17:43,212 --> 00:17:44,679 You know what? Let me just... hold up. 437 00:17:44,747 --> 00:17:47,049 Let me get your contact info, so we can plan it. 438 00:17:47,116 --> 00:17:48,483 - It'll be fun. - You know, uh, 439 00:17:48,551 --> 00:17:49,918 I'll get in touch with you about it. 440 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,054 So, can I just have the Goblet of Valtoris? 441 00:17:52,121 --> 00:17:53,322 Ooh! Wait. 442 00:17:53,389 --> 00:17:58,460 I am afraid you must answer my riddle first. 443 00:17:58,527 --> 00:17:59,995 Who's my best friend? 444 00:18:00,063 --> 00:18:02,331 (SIGHS) Me. 445 00:18:02,398 --> 00:18:06,267 (LAUGHS) You are good. You're good! 446 00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:09,637 All right. Farewell, brave knight. 447 00:18:09,705 --> 00:18:12,173 Okay! 448 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,408 (SIGHS) 449 00:18:14,477 --> 00:18:15,643 Number 11. (SQUIRT) 450 00:18:17,980 --> 00:18:19,146 (MEOW) 451 00:18:19,214 --> 00:18:23,017 Huh? (MEOWING) 452 00:18:23,085 --> 00:18:26,153 Hey, do you take debit? 453 00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:33,927 (BOTH LAUGH OBNOXIOUSLY) 454 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:39,833 Okay... 455 00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:41,101 (VOMITS) 456 00:18:41,168 --> 00:18:42,769 - Triptank. - My name is Tim Laroy. 457 00:18:42,837 --> 00:18:45,205 I just noticed that a lot of times, when you play your skits, 458 00:18:45,272 --> 00:18:48,408 they don't let me achieve full toss-off. 459 00:18:48,476 --> 00:18:51,845 Because by the time the skit is over, I'm just gettin' started. 460 00:18:51,913 --> 00:18:53,013 Um. 461 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:54,381 If you could just make your skits 462 00:18:54,448 --> 00:18:57,083 last a little bit longer... say 35, 40 minutes... 463 00:18:57,151 --> 00:18:58,385 'cause it really take me that much time 464 00:18:58,452 --> 00:19:00,586 to get a sandwich, get a thing of wine, 465 00:19:00,654 --> 00:19:03,089 relax, get my wrist loosened up, get out my 466 00:19:03,090 --> 00:19:05,525 cocoa and/or shea butter and really get goin'. 467 00:19:05,592 --> 00:19:07,627 (PLEASANT MUSIC) 468 00:19:08,830 --> 00:19:11,130 - It's Triptank. - Yeah, hello. 469 00:19:11,198 --> 00:19:12,031 I'm calling back, mother (BLEEP)! 470 00:19:12,099 --> 00:19:13,500 You (BLEEP) hold me? 471 00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:15,868 I'm gonna (BLEEP) hold your wife, your (BLEEP) kids. 472 00:19:15,936 --> 00:19:18,271 If you're a gay lover, I'll (BLEEP) hold your husband! 473 00:19:18,338 --> 00:19:20,072 - Okay. - But seriously, 474 00:19:20,140 --> 00:19:22,175 I'm just calling back to say how much I love the show, man. 475 00:19:22,242 --> 00:19:23,442 It's like a bowl of cereal. 476 00:19:23,510 --> 00:19:26,478 It's really good, okay? Merry christmas. 477 00:19:30,717 --> 00:19:32,084 (FART) 478 00:19:34,188 --> 00:19:36,189 (BIRD SQUAWKS) 479 00:19:36,256 --> 00:19:37,356 (HOOTS) 480 00:19:39,892 --> 00:19:42,894 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) 481 00:19:47,967 --> 00:19:49,801 Oh, shit. 482 00:19:49,869 --> 00:19:53,338 (DUBSTEP MUSIC) 483 00:19:53,405 --> 00:19:54,906 Think. 484 00:20:00,746 --> 00:20:02,347 (LAUGHS) 485 00:20:02,414 --> 00:20:04,849 Language. 486 00:20:04,916 --> 00:20:07,584 Ooh-ooh-ah... my name is Steve. 487 00:20:07,652 --> 00:20:09,153 Hey. 488 00:20:23,634 --> 00:20:24,668 Spring break. 489 00:20:30,207 --> 00:20:32,642 Think. 490 00:20:32,710 --> 00:20:33,877 Spam bot. 491 00:20:33,944 --> 00:20:35,945 (LAUGHS) 492 00:20:39,149 --> 00:20:40,717 Hey, come on, man. Just chill out, bro. 493 00:20:43,454 --> 00:20:45,589 Virus. 494 00:20:49,494 --> 00:20:52,201 (PLEASANT MUSIC) 495 00:20:54,694 --> 00:20:57,375 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 36043

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