Original subtitles

-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

[crunching]

[screeching]

Okay, that's it.

I cannot enjoy my breakfast

with that eagle looking at me

with his nasty little beady eyes.

-[screeches] -All right.

It's not Toby's fault his eyes are nasty.

He has bird pink eye.

Even more reason to keep him away from me.

Don't worry, Honeybee.

I'm co-babysitting Toby with Moon,

and no one will be getting avian conjunctivitis

on my watch.

I know, that's right. I will kick that bird.

Dad, you know Roy only asked me to watch his eagle.

And you should have asked me before you said yes,

so now I will babysit you

babysitting this taloned predator.

Uh-oh, trouble in Papa-dise.

Moon, I know you love wildlife, but recent incidents

require me to pump the parental brakes.

I support all of your interests unless and until

they might cause your deaths.

Why, whatever could you mean, Father?

[Beef] Moon.

Uh. Congrats, Dad, you're a grandpa. Ow.

Moon! Pull over right now!

Yah! Yah, yah!

Careful, these are a little spicy.

Moon!

[scoffs] Dad, you got to relax.

Working with wild animals is my calling.

So true. It's like I always say,

if Dr. Hammond had called you, Jurassic Park would still be

a fun vacation destination for families.

[Toby screeches]

How do you even babysit an eagle?

What, you make him macaroni and cheese?

Check for monsters under his eagle bed at tuck in?

He only eats raw meat, Ham.

-And he sleeps standing up. -Aw.

Just like Mom when she passed out

in that phone booth near Dankys.

-[Toby screeches] -Welp, if that eagle's staying,

I'll be spending my Saturday in the guesthouse.

The only large bird I respect is Larry Bird.

Call me if you ever babysit his giant ass.

I'll join. I have almost no interest

in having my gorgeous face pecked off.

Although a scar could give me a nice air of mystery.

But no, no. No, no, no. No. I'm coming.

I don't mind beagles, which are dog eagles,

but Toby can go to hell.

And I'll come, too, cause I just let one loose from my caboose,

so we're all about to get pink eye. Let's go.

-Ew. -Ugh.

-Dirt. -[squawks]

All right, now we can spend the rest of the day

not worrying about

a razor-beaked demon murdering us.

What should we do?

I know.

We could work on our Michael Caine impressions?

[clears throat]

[Southern accent] I'm Michael Caine.

[normal voice] Ooh, I have my work cut out for me.

We could play poker. Hold on.

What the hell kind of Commie cards are these?

Is this the Ace of Kremlins?

Those are tarot cards.

They were a favor at my spooky cousin Lars's wedding.

Ooh, tarot. I could do some readings.

Let's see.

Instructions say you just flip over three cards...

Mm, so spooky.

Oh, but before you do that,

you're supposed to ask a specific question.

Okay, uh, how about this- "How will my day turn out?"

-But just till like 4:00. -Why 4:00?

'Cause that's when I'm meeting Crispin

after his shift at the mall.

We're gonna split cheese fries, so...

I already know that'll be so dope.

[clears throat] Cards?

This is Judy, from the main house.

[clears throat] Hello. How will Ham's day turn out?

Just till like 4:00.

Right. Just till like 4:00.

[Ham] Oh, cool.

-Am I gonna watch Bones? -No, it's... uh, Death.

All right, I don't like that.

No, I think you need all three cards

to know what you're really in for.

[Judy groans]

Oh, no. That's a pair of Deaths.

That's a good hand. I'd raise.

-[whimpers] -One more card to go.

Okay, this one will surely be fine...

Oh, God!

[gasps] Oh, no, Judy, it's happening again.

-What is? -I have a horrible gift

for predicting deaths.

When I was six, I got a fortune cookie

that said I would experience a great loss,

and that night my snail, Mister Fettuccine, died.

Natural causes- he was 26- but still.

And after that, her power only grew.

A few years later, while playing Ouija,

the board spelled out "float."

Shortly after, we found our fish, Bubble Gump, dead.

-And he was floating. -Okay, so Judy's a witch.

I'll get the matches. Let's burn her.

And the really freaky one, was just two years ago

when I dreamt I died of thirst at a summer cookout.

Where are the damn matches?

Then, the morning after, I heard on the news

that the guy who voiced the Kool-Aid man had died.

Busted through that wall between this life and the next.

So, uh, looks like my life will be over by 4:00 p.m. today.

No. I won't let that happen.

No, I won't let that happen.

Hamathan, you're in luck because no one's seen

all the Final Destination movies more than me.

I've seen each one 105 times.

You hear that, Death?! You got Honeybee Shaw-Tobin

to deal with today!

-[banging] -[shouts] -Oh, God.

It looks like Death accepted your challenge.

Yeah. I mean that has been happening a lot.

I've been bothering Wolf to fix it, but it's on.

Honeybee, I absolutely believe

you can save me from Death's bony grasp,

but just in case, I'd like to get to my Crispin.

If I'm dying I want one more kiss,

and if I cheat Death, I do want those fries.

Hmm, getting to the mall will be risky

with Death on our tails, but I think we can do it.

We need to put Ham in a bubble.

I'll gather the pillows and the duct tape.

Good man. And we got to avoid planes,

driving behind a logging truck, and don't even think about

getting laser eye surgery, young man.

Ah! Oh, no. I just thought about it.

Okay, time for his feeding. I'll get his meats.

Whoo-hoo. This is fun, huh?

I'm loving this whole Three Men and a Baby vibe.

-Mm. -Maybe I should run out for some diapers?

The three of us trying to change a cranky wild eagle is

sure to produce some fun shenanigans.

Wolf, Toby isn't a baby.

He's technically older than you in eagle years.

Boss. I wonder if he can add me to his health insurance?

-[squawks] -Uh, hey, Moon.

What do you say we do that together

from a much safer distance?

Hup. Ah, see? There you go.

Dad, this isn't cornhole.

Well, true, but Toby's mouth

is also a deadly weapon.

Picking up some serious Selleck and Gutte vibes, here, guys.

You both want to be great dads, but your parenting styles are

as different as your chest hair situations.

-[screeches] -Ah!

I'm opening the cage. Everyone, stay still please.

Moon, absolutely not.

Dad, I got to get him out to do his eye drops.

-I know how. -And he could claw your face off.

I'll go get my snare pole

so I can position his head for you in the cage.

-[squawking] -Okay, time to come out, bud.

There you go.

Oh, so you're just gonna do what Dad told you not to do?

-I didn't know we could do that. -Wolf, I know what I'm doing.

Moon, what the hell are you doing?

Dad, put the pole away.

-[screeches] -You're making him nervous.

I'm making him nervous?

Nature's perfect shredding machine is currently

perched on my ten-year-old son.

I have nervous seniority.

Hey, guys. I just need to grab a few pillow...

-Whoa, whoa! -[Toby screeching]

-[overlapping shouting] -Ah, no!

The door's open.

No, no!

-Well, crap. -Damn it.

That jerk jacked my jerky.

Toby!

He's not gonna answer to his name, Dad.

Well, maybe he'd answer to a rad nickname.

Uh... Tobelorone, uh, Toby Wan Kenobi.

Uh, Talon Rickman in NakaToby Tower.

-I'll keep thinking. -He would've never flown off

if you hadn't made him nervous with that dumb pole of yours.

-I had it under control. -Disagree.

You screwed up my first eagle sitting job

and now I'll never become a professional wildlife expert

who goes on late-night shows

and moonlights as a pet detective

that goes by the alias Seth Snakelooker.

-Thanks a lot, Dad. -You know, Moon,

it's not too late to turn today

into a fun father-sons outdoor good time.

Just like we had when you were little.

It is too late since I've resigned my position

-as your son. -Resignation not accepted.

-Resignation resubmitted. -Oops, denied again.

Ooh, things are getting heated.

Just like when Selleck gave one of baby Mary's stuffed animals

to his date for Valentine's Day and Danson flipped out.

But by the end of the day, I bet we'll realize

we're all Toby's dads and we love him equally

and let's make a sequel.

Aha! Whitewash.

Aka eagle poop.

-Toby can fly but he can't hide. -[squawks]

-Sup, Tobes? -I guess your old dad's

not such a bad eagle tracker after all, right, bud?

Father-son fun time engaged.

Actually, there's one small problem.

-That's not Toby. -Sure it is.

He's got, you know, wings and a head, just like the T-man.

Wolf, her wingspan is definitely bigger.

-[chirping] -[Moon] Of course,

there's also the babies.

We didn't find Toby, but I think we did find his family.

And that mother eagle appears to be

feeding her babies Wolf's jerky.

Aw, lucky birds. It is the best flavor-

wacky taco teriyaki twister.

Toby probably built this nest for breeding season.

It's safer the than his regular nest near the post office.

Two nests? Living pretty big, my man.

And since Mom's in this nest,

Toby must be out on the job, hunting.

-Well, we'll just keep looking. -Eh, let's split up.

Then I could spend less time explaining basic eagle facts

and more time finding Toby.

Nope, it'll be safer if we stick together.

Like in the movie when they lose the baby,

but then they find the baby by tracking down

some cocaine dealers.

Hah. The '80s were a wild time to be three dads, huh?

♪ ♪

-You doing okay in there, Ham? -[muffled] It's hard to talk.

There's a pillow in front of my face.

[sighs] That's better.

I just needed a mouth hole for my mouth hole.

Come on, we're gonna break your date with Death

and keep your date with Crispin.

We'll go very slowly and keep you alive until 4:00.

But just in case, I'm gonna make a few calls

to see who might cough up some cash for your kidneys.

Okay, now let's surround Ham

and walk him down the driveway to the car.

[ice crackling]

Damn door.

[door slams shut]

-Oh, no! -Ooh!

-Oh, my God. -What?

A murder-icicle almost got you.

Uh. Oh, God.

Oop, oh, no, oh, no, icy patch.

[all screaming]

Oh, no, my brother! He's gone!

-Oh, wait, no. Ham's fine. -Nice try, Death!

My whole life flashed before me. So much time on the toilet.

Moon, I know you think I'm being a buzzkill...

I would say barf-fart, but sure.

But, you know that I myself used to be

more daring around wildlife.

[groans] Oh, God.

Are you going to tell me the elk story again?

Oh, this one's a banger, Dad.

I was a young man of just 15 years

on a solo expedition out in the Tongass National Forest

to take pictures for a 4-H competition at the county fair.

And that's when I spied it-

a majestic bull elk.

I knew they were dangerous, so I kept my distance.

Then I slowly and cautiously got my camera out.

[elk grunts]

And the elk shook me.

-Shook me head to heinie. -[shouting]

Ripped my pants clean off.

Terrified, I remained in that tree, pantsless,

till dawn, afraid my tormentor would return.

You see, Moon, even when exercising maximal caution

around a beast, a lone outdoorsman

can lose his pants or, worse, his life.

Your problem wasn't your lack of backup, Dad.

It was your lack of know-how.

Yeah, Dad.

Oh, sorry, sorry, got caught up in the moment.

If the picture was for the county fair,

that places you in the woods in early August, is that right?

-Uh, yes. -Mating season.

There is no amount of caution high enough

near a bull elk during August or September,

when they are extremely aggressive.

You're lucky to be alive.

Oh. Uh, I wasn't aware of that.

[Old Jody Jr.] Damn it! [groans]

Oh, hey, Tobins.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

-Eagle got me good. -Toby?

Yep. He tried to grab the cooler off the back of my truck.

I was so startled that I ran right off the road.

Did you see which way he went?

Same way your boy just went.

-What boy? -Yea high. Bear suit.

Was here just a second ago?

Damn it! Moon's gone rogue.

He really is a Guttenberg.

Translation: lovable scamp.

Ah. Moon's tracks stop right here and then disappear.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

[laughs] Oh, yeah.

Uh, maybe he can fly?

Like, uh, 'cause he's half owl,

'cause Mom had an affair with an owl and, uh...

[chuckles] No, Wolf, what?

[laughs] I was totally joking.

I do think he might have climbed up in this tree

to get a better view.

And from the top, he'd have a direct line of sight to...

To... that owl that had an affair with Mom?

No, the post office, Toby's other nest.

-Let's go check there. -Right, right.

[horns honking]

[Dirt] Now, Ham, just in case Death comes out on top today,

I think I can get a couple of doubloons

for that gorgeous red hair down at the wig factory.

So, do you mind if I bury you bald?

Aunt Dirt, stop. Ham is not gonna die.

Not if the dozens of Final Destination characters

who lost their lives so that I could protect Ham

have anything to say about it.

Knock on wood. [groans]

Ham, don't! No unnecessary movement.

You can't risk it.

[Honeybee] Let me get you real close to the entrance, Ham.

When you're walking, Death's stalking.

What the hell, Honeybee? You can't park here.

Uh, sorry, Security Pam, but my brother-in-law

got three Deaths in a tarot reading

and the Reaper is after us Final Destination style,

so we got to get him into the mall

to either kiss his boyfriend goodbye

or have cheese fries with him.

Oh. Well, in that case,

I'll give you a security escort.

Everybody out of the way! We got a Final Destination here!

[groans] No eagle, no Moon.

Hey, Zoya. Love the look. Super punk rock.

Not punk. Bird tried to steal hat.

Bird strong, but Zoya stronger.

Zoya, did that bird happen to be Toby?

I never snitch. But yes.

Well, wait, where did he go?

[panicked shouting]

-[shouting continues] -[Toby screeching]

[screeching]

[Toby screeching]

There's Moon. Let's go.

[screeching]

No! My stew meat! I saved up so many coupons!

Ah! Not my fish sticks!

It's fish stick Friday!

Henry will be devastated!

Sir, stay in your car.

Moon, we were supposed to stay together.

Sorry, Dad, but watching Toby today was my job,

-so I'm doing it. -It was our job.

But how did you know he would be here?

Well, when I saw O.J.J.'s vandalized cooler

that Toby attacked, I realized Toby wasn't hunting.

-He was shopping. -Eagles be shopping, am I right?

Toby's number one job right now is to feed his babies.

And eagles are kleptoparastic.

-Bless you. -Thank you.

Which means they steal food gathered by other birds.

But Toby is also partially domesticated,

so I figured he'd come to the place

where it's easiest to steal food gathered by humans.

But getting Toby under control is not something you can handle.

Watch me. You guys stand over there where it's safe.

Absolutely not. I'll take care of this.

Dad, just let me get Toby back in his cage.

Wolf, take your brother over to Mrs. Tuntley's car

-and keep him in there. -Dad! Come on!

Use the childproof locks if you have to.

Ugh! I figured those out when I was three!

-Oh, man, you gotta help me out. -No, no, no, no, no.

I still don't get 'em.

Uh, everyone stay calm.

I called Game Warden Burt and left a mes-

Ah! Oh, my God!

Pete, get inside! And I need to come in

and get some supplies for a bal-chatri trap!

Sure. And we also have a BOGO

on Rice Krispie treats you're gonna love-

-Not now, Pete! -Right, right. -[screeching]

[Security Pam] This is as far as I can take you.

My cart can't go up these stairs.

But you could get out and-and walk up with us.

I wish. Bad knees.

Also, I want to get a soft pretzel.

Bye.

♪ ♪

[whimpers] Oh. What if I fall?

Why is this elevator still under construction?

They've been working on it for so long!

We couldn't take it anyway.

Just ask Nora Carpenter from Final Destination 2.

Trick question: you can't because she ain't got no head.

Popped right off like a button on a pair of jeans

that are way too tight.

What do we do? Ham has trouble with stairs

even when Death isn't on his ass.

Looks like we're gonna have to make a stop

at the sporting goods store.

And maybe also for a soft pretzel

'cause that sounded good.

[whimpering] Uh...

Ham, before you climb, why don't you go ahead

and hit me with your bank account number

and ATM PIN just in case this doesn't work.

Dirt, no. Okay, start climbing, Ham.

Keep your center of gravity as low as possible.

[whimpering nervously]

Okay, Judy, start looking for hazards.

Near the end of the movies, the deaths are fully nuts

and can come from anywhere.

[whimpers]

[whimpering]

-Ah! -[grunting]

Ah, damn thing ate my quarter.

Oop.

[distorted] Ham! Look out!

[distorted] No!

[distorted yelling]

[chewing, grunting]

Ham! Ham! Are you dying?

Mmm. No, it's just really old gum. Ugh.

I'm okay.

I'll get you the rest of the way. [grunts]

Or maybe we just walk.

[screeching]

All right, the trap is set.

[screeching]

[grunting]

Come on, Wolf, let me out.

Toby is gonna dive again. I can tell by his stance.

Can't. Dad's orders.

But I need to go keep Dad safe. He's gonna get hurt.

[squawks]

Dad!

[screeching]

[screams] No, no, no, no, no, no.

Sam Malone's Winter's Bones, Toby's wedgie-ing Dad.

[screaming] No, no!

Somebody's gotta do something.

My dad's butt can't take much more of this.

Wolf, please, I know what to do.

You have to trust me. You have to let me out.

Moon, I'm gonna say to you what Danson says to Selleck

when he asks him to watch Mary so he can go on a date...

-"Okay." -[doors unlocking]

[Beef] No, Moon! Stay back!

-[screeching] -I am coming to help you.

-Stay calm, Dad. -[Beef yelling]

Everyone else, get back.

Stoop down behind your cars.

-No loud sounds. -Even me?

-Yes. -Thank you for including me.

Moon, no, get back, back, back, back!

Dad, if you want to have a butt crack at the end of this,

I need you to stop yelling.

Go limp, lie down.

-Okay. -Seriously, stop talking.

-Yup. Sorry. -Shh.

[squawks]

[Moon] Kuk, kuk, kuk.

-Is that a dead mouse? -Yup.

You just had that in your pocket?

Yes. I always have one for things like this.

-You don't? -No.

Kuk, kuk, kuk.

[squawks]

And while he's swallowing the mouse,

I just leash him up here.

Way to go, Moon. You saved my favorite dad.

Kuk, kuk. All right. I've got him leashed.

I'm gonna walk him home.

Don't you want to get him in his cage first?

-I do not. -But...

[Wolf] Hey, Dad?

There's a time in Three Men and a Baby

where Selleck and the Gutte had to acknowledge

that Danson was Mary's real dad.

He was in charge and he was the one

who needed to take care of her.

Right. Moon, we'll follow behind you.

Perfect. Just not too close.

-[cheering] -[Santiago] Well done, Moon!

There he is, Ham. Go say goodbye.

-Crispin? -Ham?

Yes, it's me.

I came to say farewell forever.

Or get fries, if I live.

Uh, what?

Wait, what's going on with the kiosk?

Oh, a ground squirrel fell out of a light fixture

right into one of the blenders

and I accidentally blended it to death,

so we're closed, possibly forever.

Waiting to hear from Corporate.

Also, I'm deeply traumatized.

Wait, a ground squirrel died?

Judy! Your witchcraft wasn't about Ham!

Ah! I just killed a ground squirrel, not my brother!

-[clocks chiming] -[Honeybee] And it's 4:00!

We did it! We beat Death!

In your face! [grunting]

Time to take these pillows off and get some fries.

Okay, what are you- What is happening?

Oh, crap, I forgot I took my pants off

to get a better pillow fit.

Will you be embarrassed to get fries with me?

Are you kidding? It would be my honor.

I'll even take my pants off, too.

We did it. We saved Ham.

I mean, I don't think he was actually ever in danger, but-

[shushing]

You think he still has

some of that dead ground squirrel smoothie back there?

I'm a little parched.

Welp, we were out of rubbing alcohol,

but I poured a bunch of tequila down my butt area

and slapped on a bandage.

Are you ready to apologize to Toby?

No, Toby can rot,

but I am ready to apologize to you.

-Okay. -Moon, I'm sorry I didn't trust you

to take care of the eagle on your own today.

It's okay, Dad.

I'm sorry that I know more than you about wildlife.

Oh, Moon, that doesn't bother me.

I love that you do. I'm proud.

But seeing you with wild animals

still sometimes scares the crap out of me.

[chuckling] It's a dad thing.

Poppa's gotta pop.

[Beef] You're gifted, and I can't hold you back,

and I shouldn't.

Most parents of kids with terrifying talents

probably go through this.

I mean, that guy who does

all the rock climbing with no ropes?

I bet his parents have never slept a wink in their lives.

Love that guy.

Oh, me, too. He's my screen saver.

But my point is: you can't stop an animal

from following its nature.

And I can't stop you from following your nature.

[sniffling] Damn it, that was beautiful.

I just hope you guys both know what to do when you see a Wolf.

[both] Stand tall, back away, maintain eye contact.

Hell no! When you see a Wolf, you bring it in for a hug!

Ah! My butt! My butt! Oh, my God!

♪ Good night, sweetheart, well, it's time to go ♪

♪ Doh, doh, dee, doh, doh ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart, well, it's time to go ♪

♪ Doh, doh, doh, doh ♪

♪ I hate to leave you, but I really must say ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart, good night ♪

♪ Well, it's 3:00 in the morning ♪

[screeches]

♪ Baby, I just can't treat you right ♪

♪ Well, I hate to leave you, baby ♪

♪ I don't mean maybe ♪

♪ Because I love you so, doh, doh, dee, doh, doh. ♪

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