All language subtitles for Te.Quiero.Imbecil.2020

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NETFLIX PRESENTS

This is me,

and this is Ana, my girl.

We've been together for 8 years
and I just asked her to marry me.

But apparently
she has other ideas in mind.

I'm sorry, but this relationship
is going nowhere.

We're stuck in a rut
and marriage would only make it worse.

And now, I think
she's going to dump me...

I don't know. We should just...

take a break.

So yeah, she dumped me
and I'm done listening.

It looks like I am because
I look like an idiot, but I'm not.

I guess I should listen
to know why she's dumping me.

Instead, I'm thinking back
to our third date.

When I told her
it felt like I already knew her

because every love song
that played reminded me of her.

It's a little cheesy, I know,
but I meant it.

And Ana kissed me for the first time.

And then a practical thought
hits me, like:

"Who's paying for this dinner?"

She's just said every cliché
about breaking up except one.

If you'd like...
we could still be friends.

We're taking a break?

A break...

How long is that?

A week, a few minutes, a lifetime...

8 years is plenty of time for sure.

So you're going to go out there
and win her back.

Getting Ana back, just watch!

What's this?

What's left from the shop.
We're selling it off online.

We didn't realize
it was going so bad with Ana.

I mean, it didn't go that bad.

We were together for 8 years
and now we're on a break.

What is this "break" business?
How long?

Like a week, a year, a month?

Time is a fun thing, Dad,
you never know how long it will last.

-Everyone knows that. Here.
-I knew that girl wasn't...

Wasn't what?

We were together 8 years
and no one here said a thing.

If you hadn't gone to live
at her place...

That was to save on rent.
I've said it a thousand times.

But she gets to stay at her place

and you have to come
live here at 35 years of age.

Guys nowadays are idiots.

Relax. This will only be
for a couple days.

And besides... let me finish.
My life hasn't fallen apart!

My boss called me in, okay?

And I think he's going to promote me.

Not so dumb after all.

This is my office. Here we make
a ton of TV commercials.

Honestly, my work is just
checking over other people's work.

What I'd really love
is to be a sports journalist.

But in the meantime...

You're firing me?

But John, John... Juan...

I know what I do is easy,
but I'm good at it.

Layoffs.

So fire Luisma. He's a recent hire.

Luisma. Good point.
I hadn't thought of him. Thanks.

No, that Luisma thing was
a figure of speech. Don't fire him.

Sure, but you reminded me
and we're cutting back.

-Right. It's all good, but...
-No.

Right...
Could you call in Luisma, please?

My girlfriend dumped me
and I was sacked all within 48 hours.

There is no one more pathetic than me
on this continent right now.

-I'm sure not.
-You know what Ana said?

"I don't think we were made
for each other." Clearly not!

I wear earplugs to avoid hearing
that Melendi shit you like!

And sorry, you can't dump
your boyfriend at dinner

on the day he proposes.
He'll never get over it.

You say, "Let me think."

Then you go home
and text him the next day

just like everyone else does.

What am I supposed to do
with myself now?

She did you a favour, dude.
What's this same girl for years shit?

Monogamy doesn't exist.

Do you realize
the time you've lost? Look.

UNIVERSITY ORGY
COME GET WILD

Is that even for real?

This and much more!
Give me your phone.

-Come on, life is moving on without us.
-I'm not...

Shut up. You need updating,
young Marcos.

-What's your profile?
-Left side. My nose looks smaller.

Clearly you are no stud.

Check it out, though...
if you make an effort...

-What's that?
-Friends with benefits.

I don't know...

-We'll start with some sexy emojis...
-Sexy what?

-An eggplant, a peach...
-So, vegetables.

You're going to make
this difficult, aren't you?

Don't download a virus.
What is all this?

I added a few sweet hookup apps.

Tinder, Raya, Boompi, Happn, Saken...

I know Saken.
It's that Japanese drink, right?

-Oh God.
-I'm going home, man.

Is your mommy waiting for you?

I'm not in the mood.
I don't want to be...

Young Marcos,
your new life starts now.

I know.

-Seize the day, man...
-Right. I'll check it out.

That's it, check it out. Trust me!

At this very moment I just found out
what my profile is:

I'm 35, I live with my parents,
I am but a shadow to women,

Ana dumped me and now my life sucks.

And I don't know what I want,
but I know what I don't want.

Diego has good intentions,
but they don't help me.

I have to look for help
from reliable resources.

HOW TO GET OVER A BREAK UP

Thanks for choosing
the greatest self-help channel

in all the Hispanic world.

Because when you need help,
who can you turn to?

Family? Friends?

No...

You go to Google, and here we are.

-Listen up.
-Okay.

You want to get out of the hole
you're stuck in?

Want to look in the mirror
and not be ashamed of what you see?

And most importantly,

do you want to get over your ex
and start with your new life?

Exactly.

Good.

Here is my first piece of advice.

Stand up and scream.

Free yourself of all
that anger and hate...

Actually, I'm more sad than angry.

Go for it...

That's it!

Say it: "Motherfucker!

You are a motherfucker!"

You are a motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Ah... Motherfucker...
Uh... Motherfucker...

Can't do it.

Motherfucker!

Don't you feel better?

Much better.

Of course,
all that weight off your shoulders.

Now, I want you to take a pen and paper

and write down

what it is that you want
with all your might.

Don't be a moron and put down
"get back together with my ex".

What the hell.

So, in order to get
what you really want,

the first thing you have to do
is become financially independent.

To have money and not depend
on your parents.

Of course, yeah, that's fine...

You are 35 years old, have some balls.

What are you doing still living
with your parents?

Stop leeching off your parents
and get out of there, you idiot!

It's just how things have been.

You big idiot! Get out
of your parents' house, moron!

-Don't insult me...
-Get to work!

-Get to work!
-Okay, I'll give it a try now.

Idiot.

-What's up, dude? Why are you here?
-What's up, Diego...

Give me a job, I mean, I want a job,
I need a job. Give me a job.

-What are you talking about?
-Give me a job here. Give me a job!

A job? As if I could
give anyone a job.

No, young Marcos.
Things are really bad now.

You don't understand me.
I'm not giving you a choice.

I'm not telling you
"Here, let's see if you can give me..."

-No. Give me a job or I'll tell.
-You'll tell what?

I'll call your exes and tell
how you cheated on them,

I'll call our friends and tell
you fucked their girlfriends.

But why are you such an asshole?

It's not just to be an asshole,
it's to survive.

I can look to see if there is anything
in the Internet department...

-You see?
-You son of a bitch,

-you could kill me any other day.
-Champ, you are a champ.

Hey, stupid!

-I'm the stupid one?
-Marcos!

-Yes...
-It's me, Raquel!

Oh... Which one?

-From 1 B.
-You're Raquel from 1 B?

Wow! How's it going?

Well, you caught me right
in the middle of a lot of changes.

Lots of work, lots of projects...
What are you up to?

I'm going to a funeral.

Oh, well, great...

How long has it been
since we last saw each other?

Since high school...
or like more than 15 years.

What've you been up
to all this time?

Thinking about you.

Of course.

It's a joke, stupid!

I moved to London, remember?

-What did you want to play?
-Gypsy music.

Oh yeah, you played the accordion
at the year-end party.

-You were playing barefoot.
-Yes!

I remember, you sang great,
but you were a freak.

Well of course.

You told me you were gonna record
a tape for me with that track I liked.

The Proclaimers, remember?

I recorded that tape!
Didn't I give it to you?

No.

Why didn't I give it to you?

I don't know. But, if you
sing it now, I'll forgive you.

-Sure, right now.
-No, seriously.

Let me go home, drop off this box,
and I'll come sing.

Excuse me.

-Okay, I'll see you later.
-Okay.

Diego, what's up?

You'll catch on right away,
it's not that hard.

Here we have the girls for handball,

here we have the cycling section,
and here are our superbloggers.

This will be your spot, okay?

Get settled in.

You'll take care
of online summaries for the games

and whatever else
we'll be needing, okay?

One thing.

If you need help, don't ask me,
I have a lot of work to do.

You're a real sports journalist.
For a real newspaper!

This has been your dream
since you were a little boy!

And even if I'm only commenting
on ping-pong games,

I have always loved
the less-popular sports.

Knowing about soccer is easy,
but to know Bulgarian canoeing...

There's where the work is.

I'm about to take off.

The first litmus test
for getting over Ana. My friend.

Beers.

My hook-up shirt.

And most importantly,

girls that Diego has connected
with over Tinder.

We've made a bet.
The winner chooses the target...

I'm freaked out.

Okay, young Marcos,
here's your audience: the 30-year-olds.

They are all crazy.

And the blowjobs...
they do it with...

They do it with what?

I don't know what it is. But they do it
with such care and dedication...

-that it makes a difference.
-I don't care if they do it or not.

As long as I don't get laughed
at today, I'll be happy with that.

Of course, like your ex
didn't suck your dick... whatever.

Her neck muscles were weak
and messed her up if she did it...

Enough with the jokes.
You're justifying her excuses?

Blowjobs are irreplaceable.
Everything else is fear...

-Okay, your turn.
-My turn.

Now, if I get it in... I'll get it in.

But if I get it in, I choose.

Okay, let's see what happens.

Fuck...

Get over there.

You're good at this, I've noticed.

Good move, dude.
Helping out. You got this.

Hitting it is complicated.

I would attack it.
A little more...

Could you get your hand off me,
I can't concentrate.

Of course, your call.

Almost...

I missed.

I'm going home.

Home? No, please,
stay and have a beer, won't you?

Actually, no.
I have class tomorrow.

It's not even 12.

Teacher won't scold you
for missing one class.

Excuse me? I am the teacher.
I teach at an occupational workshop.

Occupational... workshop.
That's interesting.

How the fuck can it be interesting
if you don't know what it is?

What happened to the code?
There used to be a code with girls...

your buddy hooks up with one,
and you hooked up with the other.

What is this?

Hey...

What's up?

You think cuz I'm fat I have to settle
for the ugly poorly-dressed one?

In that case if we're being honest
with each other,

I don't know,
I think the scale evens out.

You Neanderthal!

I'm guessing by your words
we aren't going to hook up?

No. I'd rather go home
and get myself off with my dildo,

you talk way too much.

She's going home with her dildo.

In the past century, I used to hook up,
but not too much.

But now, it's like
I don't understand any of this...

To hook up with a girl
in the XXI century,

I'm going to have to change myself
into a man of the XXI century.

I have no other option.

HOW TO BE A MAN IN THE XXI CENTURY

Hello, hello everyone

and welcome to the greatest

self-help channel
in all the Hispanic world.

When you need help,
who can you turn to?

Family, friends?

You.

No, you go to Google,
and here we are.

Listen up. Do you want to be
a man of the XXI century?

To pick up a girl in the XXI century,

you have to be in harmony
with the world you live in.

I'll give you some advice.

First: balance out your body and mind.

That is the first step of all.

Do some exercise.

Don't be intimidated by everyone
else's toned biceps...

It's only a matter of time
before you'll be as strong as them.

Sacrifice and perseverance.

Eating well and your health
go hand in hand.

Avoid unhealthy temptations.

Eliminate yogurt,
milk and fatty cheeses,

energy drinks, soda
and beer, lunch meats...

No, not allowed.

Your outside appearance
reflects your self-esteem.

Look through your bathroom.

Make sure you have your eye cream,

face cleanser, tonic, facial peeler...

Anti-wrinkle cream, very important.

Change your look.

Style your hair.

Dress like a man of the XXI century.

Update your wardrobe.

Don't use plaid shirts,
striped t-shirts or sports jerseys...

Hey, stupid!

What, you see me and say nothing?

-Don't call me stupid...
-You were spying on me.

Well, I could either report you
or call you stupid, you choose.

Sorry, but this all seems strange.

I haven't seen you for 15 years
and now you're everywhere.

-What are you even doing here?
-I work here.

What about you?
You live around here?

Not at all... Well, now I do,
since I live with my parents...

What a loser.

And you know, my girlfriend dumped
me the day I asked her to marry me?

-But you know what?
-What?

I'm going to get over my ex right now.

-And how will you do that?
-Not the slightest clue.

My friend Diego says I should hook up
with someone to get over her.

Actually, he tells me
I have to hook up a lot. In general.

So I'm on my way to buy clothes.

Sure, fucking is much better
with clothes on.

No, because I have to have a look.
A new look.

But why do you have to change your look?

I have to, I have a blind date
and appearance is everything now.

The last time
I bought myself jeans...

Kurt Cobain was still alive I think.

Seriously, seriously...

-Hey, I'll be right back!
-Okay!

Oh, you're coming with me?

My chest feels tight.

Look, we make such a great couple!

I wanna clear something up
so we don't feel weird or anything.

Okay.

Do you remember in school
when you sort of told me you liked me?

-You were in love with me, right?
-I still am.

15 years later
and I can't seem to forget you.

-In school...
-I was fat and had lice.

-Of course, and now...
-I look good...

That's why!

I'm an idiot who believes everything.

Let's go.

-We can be friends.
-No, don't tell me that.

-No more than that.
-Don't say that or I'll break things.

NOELIA LIKES YOU, TOO! SEND A MESSAGE

The one who really is amazing
is the girl at reception.

She's always making jokes.

I laugh so much with her,
she is super funny...

Hey...

you and I aren't going
to hook up, okay?

Alright.

SARA LIKES YOU, TOO! SEND A MESSAGE

CLAUDIA LIKES YOU, TOO! SEND A MESSAGE

AIDA LIKES YOU, TOO! SEND A MESSAGE

Be quiet, my roommates are asleep.

Over there, over there, yeah.

-I thought you lived alone.
-I share a flat with a few friends.

Well, I really feel
like making some noise...

Okay...

-Home so soon.
-Hi!

Is she your girlfriend?

Good night, Marcos, sleep well.

Your apartment is a castle of love

where some day you'll have
to bring the lovely ladies back to.

It doesn't have to look
like how you want it,

but how they would like it...

That is how you will reach
the main goal of this channel:

fuck.

Or have sex.

Wow, how hot your parents are!
Having sex at their age.

Children should never see
their parents having sex.

My father was talking to me
with a mask on his face.

Wow!

What were they role-playing, Zorro?

And the girl who you were with?
How did she take it?

Fantastic, wedding bells are ringing...

You've got an apartment
at least, right?

This is awesome.
It's wonderful, the light...

It still doesn't get me laid.

-Do you know Hater?
-I don't know anything. What's Hater?

It's an app where you share
the things you hate.

For example, I hate the loyalty cards
from the supermarkets,

they make me nervous.
Electric scooters...

-Killer tourists on fucking segways.
-Yes!

Selfie sticks!

-Japanese restaurants.
-Shiitake.

Small children who tell you
"sir, sir". I'm a boy!

-Sunflowers.
-Why sunflowers?

It's a flower
that just makes me nervous.

It's very yellow, and very big...
Why are you right there?

This app is very good,
it's really great.

-See?
-I'm having a good time.

But it's not going
to get me laid either.

Of course. Well, no...

Getting laid or not,
I do have good music.

She's erased me from her life.

For Ana, I no longer exist.

Young Marcos, I'm going to give you
some advice you need to know

because this is key if you want
to succeed with the ladies.

Ignore them.

You can't be so desperate, man.
You'll scare them.

And most of all,
stop thinking about your ex.

Stop talking about your ex.
Nobody gives a fuck about your ex.

I'm only thinking about myself now.
I promise.

But I get distracted and...
She slips right through...

Don't get distracted.
Concentrate on yourself.

Dude, you're doing great at work.

In fact, they told me
they want you to oversee

the Division 2 Twitter account.

-They told you?
-Yeah.

-What are you looking at?
-Nothing, you're just handsome.

You know, it's like you're...
very proportioned, right?

Really, young Marcos?
You're acting very strange...

What did I say?
It's an observation.

VERONICA LIKES YOU, TOO! SEND A MESSAGE

I'm at the girl's house...

And according to the instructions
of my crazy Argentinian guru,

I have been mentally adding up

all the chances I have
to end up in bed with her...

and up to now, 8 out of 10.

If I get to the bar and the girl
shows cleavage. 2 points...

If I ask her what her drink is
and she says wine, 1 point;

whisky, 3 points;
with a coffee, I leave the bar...

What would you like to drink?

-A pint of beer.
-A pint of beer.

Excuse me! A pint of beer for her
and a vermouth for me.

1.5 points.

Dinner is very complicated,

you have to avoid having
too many topics of conversation

to avoid the friendzone...

because that's no good,
that's like minus 100 or 200 points.

Are you hungry?

No, I'm fine with the fries.
Another round?

Yes, please. Of course.

1.5 points.

And last of all... moment for drinks.

If we get to that point
and we don't know each other that well,

and she looks at me, interested
and smiles without realizing it...

That's the moment to kiss her...

1 kiss, 1 point.

A kiss with something else, 4 points...

If she touches my package...
a million points.

I got 1 point.

Plus two more points.

Of course, because
she was the one who told me:

"want to come over to my house?"

Tonight is a sure thing.

You know, many people have told me

"careful hooking up over the Internet,
you'll end up with a surprise..."

And instead, here we are, you and me,
two people with things clearly laid out.

Here, without shocks,
with the truth in front of us.

I've been using the wrong app.

Don't be depressed...

At least you've been able
to forget about...

-Ana...
-Ana, that's it!

Because you've forgotten
about her already, right?

It's a weird phenomenon,
because I think more about the things

that drove me nuts about her
than what I liked.

However, I still remember
her when I wake up,

when I go to sleep,
when I cook asparagus...

-Do we really need to see this guy?
-Of course, you're gonna like him.

He isn't Argentinian?

No.

To hear him complain, "yes, my life...",
I've got myself for that.

Not at all, he isn't
one of those singer-songwriters.

You'll like him.
He's handsome and plays very well.

You want to fuck him.

I don't want to fuck him...
I already did. Now we're just friends.

No.

-What?
-That can't happen.

What do you mean, that men
and women can't be friends?

If they've already had sex, no.

Of course, we haven't had sex
and that's why we're friends.

-But this is the end of it...
-Why?

You know how many times
I've jerked off thinking about you?

-Well, half-sex.
-The sunset of our relationship.

What a shame.

Look.

Thank you, thank you.
It's great that you all came.

Well, he was Argentinian.

I'm Ezequiel. I'm a musician.

My mom always tells this story...

When I was young, I was like
4 years old and sitting on the toilet

and said to her "mom, mom"
and she said "what, what".

I want to express myself through music.

I want applause, and to share
what I have inside of me.

And that's why when I act,
I carry this cage with me

because it represents everything
we have to share from within us.

And there was one day
I went to go see a palm-reader

who looked at the palm of my hand
and tells me...

Your life line is very broken.

And I said, "but what does that mean?"
"Tell me, tell me."

And he said...

Life is painful

Life hurts

That is all I can say

That is all I can say...

-Hi!
-How's it going?

I loved it.

That's good!

How's it going?

-Did you like it?
-Very much. A lot.

Great, I'm glad to hear it.

You look beautiful.
You look great, stunning.

-You want a beer?
-No, I don't drink alcohol.

Alcohol makes you swell up
and leaves you walking like a ball

and we can't walk
through life like that.

Obviously.

Men today have to take care
of themselves just like women do.

-Totally, you know what I mean?
-Totally...

Every day I run 25 km.,
I wax my chest,

I put cucumber masks over my face,
and I feel fantastic...

-Waiter!
-May I take this away?

Yes, please.

-You going to drink anything else?
-Yes...

I would like sparkling water
with lime and no ice.

-Another beer for me.
-I'm fine, nothing else.

This guy is an idiot...

You're beautiful...

But he's handsome.
A prototype of the XXI century man.

Look at that, he doesn't have
an ounce of fat on him...

And Raquel laughs at all his jokes...

If I were like him,

I could say the same bullshit
without the ladies thinking:

What is this Neanderthal talking about?

I'm heading out.

You're going?

I just remembered tomorrow
I have an asphalt drag sled race.

Some Filipino guy is going
to blow it out of the water...

But you stay...
Stay for a while, won't you?

-Yeah, stay, stay...
-Stay.

-Really?
-Yes, of course, yes.

-Of course. Dude, a pleasure.
-Thanks. See you later.

-See you tomorrow!
-Okay!

I'm on the right path, I feel it, but...

it's not enough.

Carlos.

-Marcos.
-Yes, Marcos.

Listen...

I know we haven't been able
to talk since you started here,

but next week,
I'm throwing an incredible party

for everyone in the basketball section.

You should come.

Okay.

Marcos.

I'm doing something...

that I never thought
I'd have the courage to do...

The only thing is that it's for life.
Besides, they're really trendy now.

-What's the smallest one you have?
-Do you trust me?

I feel like Jasmine in Aladdin. Yes.

You shouldn't, because
I could get my revenge on you.

Why are you taking revenge on me?

Why did you leave me
the other night with that idiot?

Because he's an idiot,
but he's your friend, you tolerate him.

Besides, you were the one
who wanted to stay.

But I didn't want to stay really
and since you left me...

I had to sleep with him.

Poor Raquel,
you can't stop sleeping around...

I promise you
that listening to him was worse.

So what do I do?

Take this off and sit here.
I'm going to do it free-hand.

"Free-hand"?

That sounds dirty.

-I feel like I'm at the dentist now.
-It's going to hurt more.

So, to make it up,

this Friday I'm taking you
to another concert

-and this one I promise you'll like.
-I can't this Friday.

-Why not?
-My boss, she invited me to a party...

You're going to a party
and you weren't going to invite me?

It's not that I didn't want
to invite you, but if you come,

I can't focus on the target,
which is to hook up...

So you're completely sure
that this Friday is your night.

-Me hooking up is never for sure.
-Who are you going with?

-Hey...
-What's up?

He's my friend, but he's too
good-looking. I can't take him.

I need someone who makes me
seem more than what I really am...

Tomy!

What did I do?

Thanks, Marcos!

I'm super excited...

Check out this big screen, look.

Marcos?

When you go to a party,
according to my influencer,

if you want to leave the party with her,

you have to avoid three big threats.

Don't even think about
going to the kitchen to find a beer

and stand around talking
about football with a group of guys.

Never.

I'm the intern.
I help Marcos and...

Watch how much you drink.

I really need to pee...
Just a sec, okay?

And most of all, don't be near
the ice when it runs out

and the most beautiful girl
at the party wants a drink.

Give me a minute, okay?
I'll go find some ice.

Never.

Guys! The ice!

If you can avoid those three threats,

then you can focus
on what's really important.

Looking for a girl.

You looking for a track
or are you looking

at what kind of music I like?

Yes, exactly. It's just that
this chill out music seems a bit slow...

But I see here that
you have a really good playlist.

Massive Attack, Radiohead...
Daft Punk from the beginning...

I have very good music.

Marcos?

I'll see you later.

Ana?

What the hell is she doing here?

Don't be nervous...
Come on... You can do it...

God, my heart is going to explode...
I'll have a heart attack here...

What are you doing here?

I came with a friend...

What have you done?
I almost don't recognize you...

Ignore her, just ignore her.

You are the same, as always.

I see these last few months
have been good for you.

And you no longer dress like a teenager.

No, I am a new man.

I've changed. On the inside, too.
I'm chang...

What is she doing with her hand?
I'm going to faint!

Get your hand off... Get it off!

She wants to hook up with me!
Just ignore her!

And who is that very beautiful
woman you were talking to?

Is she jealous, because...?
Ignore her, damn it, ignore her.

A friend. A friend from...

How do I ignore her now?

Of course, as I was telling you...

So you want to keep talking
or you want to go fuck?

This wasn't planned for in my method.

This is a song I wrote in London

which I dedicated to love.

My love, dear, kiss me again...

My love, dear, kiss me again... slowly

My love, dear, kiss me again...

My love, dear, kiss me again... slowly

Great!

If you got this far
following in my steps,

that means your past is now behind you

and you're a XXI century man.

And also, you got laid. There you go!

You take care of the caps
and I'll get the machines?

Sure...

Good morning, I got laid!

-Hi, Maria.
-Hey!

It didn't seem like it,
it was all going to...

But I did, I got laid. I got laid,
and besides that, well.

With this, that, and everything else...
The whole thing.

And you came here at 9 AM
just to tell me that?

Yes. No.
She kicked me out of her house.

-But I did want to come tell you.
-And how was...?

Getting laid?
Man, I remembered...

The girl, stupid.

Just a regular girl.

The point is I accomplished
what I set out to do:

to fuck. Well, twice.

And get over your ex, right?

-Great.
-Really great...

And the new girl, what?

Have you already proposed
or you'll wait 8 years again?

What? Of course not.
This was just a hook up, nothing else...

I'm not going to get back
together with her...

I'm not going to do it again with her,
that's what I mean.

Because I won't.
Not at all. I have to go.

-Bye, Maria.
-Bye...

Where do you know that guy from?

From school. I was hung up on him
when I was 15.

-He's not your type at all.
-I know...

Yes, I'm calling Ana.

But it doesn't mean I want
to get back together with her, alright?

I'm just calling her to see
how she is...

-That's all.
-Hi, it's Ana.

It's simply the polite thing to do.

When you hook up with a girl,
you have to call her.

Why? Because... you know.

It's just standard procedure
when you hook up with your ex.

Ana? Hey, what's up?

I was thinking that...
We could grab something to eat?

No? Okay then.
It's no big deal.

I didn't mean today though...

If you can today... Hold on, let me
think if I can. Yeah, today I can.

I don't think I understand
if you're saying

that today you can't
but you can another day

or if today you could
but really you don't want to.

You don't want to.

Okay. That's fine.

Talk to you later. Yeah. Sure.

Yeah, yeah. Bye.

She must be really busy
with her things...

Have you thought
about shaving your dick?

Not recently, no,
because, you shouldn't...

What do you mean exactly?

It's just that with all that stuff on,
I can't really read your face.

I mean your bush.
Your afro down below.

That grove of tendrils.

I mean if you wax your fucking balls.

Oh, that...

No, no I don't.

The ladies love it.
I just got a Croatian bikini line wax.

It's all the rage. Want to see?

Marcos, explain this to me:

"Sporting may be a Division 2 team,
but the players' legs are Number 1."

Wait, there's more.

"The best part about the Elche win
was seeing the striker's magnificent abs

when he pulled off his shirt
while celebrating the goal."

Why the fuck would you be talking
about anybody's abs?

Do you want to get fired?
Are we insane?

-You.
-Lorena, wait...

You're the one behind
the Twitter comments from Second?

It's him, but this kid
is just going through a rough time...

I don't care.

I could care less if it were a mistake,
or if soccer players make you horny.

What we have here is a trending topic.

-What?
-Yes, dear, yes.

So as of tomorrow
you'll change positions

and you start to cover
the games from First.

And of course,
you'll have a 10% raise.

If that's not good enough, too bad.

What do I know, what do I know...

You never know anything.

Go fuck yourself.

Have you ever sang in the street?

A thousand times!

It's the best way
to get used to people ignoring you.

They don't ignore you. They mock you,
insult you, throw chewed up food...

But then, when you get up
on the stage...

They applaud you! It's... amazing.

I just don't get how you stand up
in front of people singing,

and actually enjoy it.
I would freak out. With you.

-Is that for me?
-No...

Because I don't know if it would
get along with my dragons.

Yeah... Let's go.

It's for that girl!

But didn't you tell me
it was just a hook up?

Yeah, but tomorrow is her birthday
and I should get her something.

How do you know
that her birthday is tomorrow?

Because she told me.

But you told me
you hardly had any time to talk,

that she practically jumped on you.

-Yeah, but...
-How did she tell you?

While you were doing it?

What?

-What's wrong with you?
-Oh yes!

You're amazing, young Marcos!

By the way, did I tell you
that my birthday is November 15th?

-I'm a Sagittarius!
-Scorpio.

With a Taurus...

ascendant!

Something like that?

-A bit more calm, but pretty close.
-Great.

Excuse me, could you do that again
but at the end say Libra? Please.

-We need to be at the zoo by 4.
-Please, I'll pay you 20 euros! 30!

You just made me lose 30 euros.

Run, run, he's coming.

Hi, it's Ana. Leave a message
and I'll call you back. Thanks.

Diego, watch the plant, man.
It'll get smashed.

What's up? Come on.

I've just been thinking
about something for a few days.

You're with someone.

What? But... How could I be
with anyone, with someone?

Let's see, man.

For a month now you haven't been
a pain in the ass about your ex

and that can only mean that
you've gotten over your ex,

and if you've gotten over her,
it's because you're with someone.

-Crystal clear.
-No, no... It's not like that...

I knew it. My little rascal.
Do I know her?

You don't know her.
Why would you know her?

Okay, fine.
Welcome to the world of the living.

How was the blowjob?

Diego, look,
I have a ton of things to put away.

It's fine, I'll leave you in peace.

The important thing here
is that you've finally told your ex

to go fuck herself.

Everything else is meaningless,
I told you so. Champ.

Champ.

Did you buy me the creams I asked for?

Yes.

And I brought you something else.

Korean face masks.

Have you seen the skin Koreans have?

I've seen it while I watch
ping pong tournaments. It's so matte.

Look at mine. Nice, right?

-Yeah...
-Take this. Here's one for you.

Did you end up buying that
for the girl?

We haven't seen each other much lately.

So, she doesn't pay any
attention to you?

I'm not going to beat myself up over it..

She doesn't want to meet up?
We don't. That's it, her loss.

We're all adults now.

What?

Nothing, it's just that I don't get
why she slept with me.

And she was grinding on me.

If you grind, it means you want
to fuck again. Why isn't she calling?

Can you pass me that dragon?

Last time she told me: "I'll call you".

What does that mean?

The last time? How many times
have you called her?

Once... five, ten, fifteen times.
Last week.

Would you pass me the dragon
or should I just get it?

I'll pick it up for you
doing a squat.

A what?

It's something you would know
if you did CrossFit.

Look.

Grab it like this
and put your legs back.

Fuck...

-I'll get your discharge papers ready.
-Okay.

-What did they tell you?
-I have a herniated disc...

A what?

A herniated disc from prolonged strain
with no criteria.

I don't know why
you do so much weight lifting...

No, I know. It's for that mystery girl
of yours that doesn't even notice you.

She's not my girl, she isn't a mystery
and I don't do it for her.

-What are you doing in a wheelchair?
-They gave it to me to take you home.

But I can stand up and walk.

-But this wheelchair is way cooler.
-Can you give me that chair back?

I already told you not to take it,
it belongs to a patient.

I was going to give it back next week...

Hi.

Today?

You caught me in the middle of work,
I'll let you know later, ok?

Yeah, bye.

Was it her?

Are you going to meet her?

How am I supposed to meet her?
Just look at me...

You're going to meet her
and I'll be the one going to her house,

getting you out of bed, naked,
and bringing you back to the ER.

I'm not going to meet her!
I don't care what she says.

-You're going to meet her.
-No, I won't.

-You're going to meet...
-If I say no, I mean no.

Hold on to me tighter.

Come on, tight like that.

-Just a little time out?
-Are you okay?

-I'm great, I'm very good.
-Get on top.

-On top? Fine. On the side?
-No, on top.

Okay.

-I'm coming.
-Come on.

-Come on, harder!
-I'm getting there...

Come on!

What? You already finished?

Perhaps.

-Don't leave me like this.
-I won't leave you like that. No...

You'll see what I'm about to do.

-Hello.
-Hello.

-You went, didn't you?
-Indeed I did.

And?

I really hurt myself.

She could have killed me.

I've brought you a gift.

I don't even know why I ask but,
you didn't buy this food, did you?

No, it's from a VIP room

but I promise
no nurses saw me this time.

That's reassuring.

I can take it back, but it was from
an old man who didn't even have teeth.

No, without any teeth, there's no point.
What's the shoe for?

To open the bottle.

-Does it open like that?
-Theoretically.

It worked!

Are you plucking your eyebrows?

I'm making sure
that they don't grow into a unibrow.

Look, Marcos,
I've been thinking about something.

What have you thought?

I think you need a guys' night out.

I mean, nights like we used to have.
Beers, guys, and soccer.

Yeah, it's been so long
since we've done that.

Exactly. That's settled.
Problem solved.

-Tonight we'll hang out at my house.
-Okay.

See you later, big guy.

Okay.

Guys, get over here,

-the second half is about to start.
-Coming.

Before, for example, you'd invite
them for a drink, and that was it,

now they ask you out,
and you don't have the moral strength

to get them into bed with you.

-If you open the door for them...
-You're a chauvinist.

And if not, you're rude.

You don't know
how to connect with them.

We no longer have
a model of masculinity to follow.

Then you gotta smell good, be funny,
dress well, know how to cook...

I've already taken three
cooking classes just to keep up.

Seriously?

Asian cooking, Japanese,
and now I'm taking one on desserts.

I love that one
but I'm getting a little...

And you keep having this feeling
like you're still not there yet?

Wait until we take
the Thermomix class...

Diego, could you turn down
the volume a bit?

Come on, that's enough!
Go fuck yourselves.

Come on, go home.

-What's wrong?
-Go chit chat elsewhere.

-I'm sick of this.
-What's going on?

Come on, time to leave.
That's enough. There's the door.

Go fuck yourself.

No, you stay.

Bye. See you later.

-What's going on?
-What the hell is up with you?

Nothing's wrong with me.
Why are you so pissed off?

I'm pissed off because
I don't recognize you, Marcos.

I look at you and
I don't know who you are.

Don't tell me this has to do
with those articles?

Because of the articles,
because you're sharing recipes,

because you're plucking your eyebrows,
where is all this going!

You're not even watching the game,
which was the whole point.

-I'm watching the game.
-Really? How's it going?

-It's going well.
-You've turned into a woman.

Why is it that when men insult
each other they compare you to us?

-It's terrible.
-No idea, I don't do that.

It's true that I'm doing things
that before I thought were nonsense,

just to try it, but plucking
or whatever, cooking, exercising,

aren't strictly things
a man or woman does.

Just listen to yourself
and you know for sure you are a man

-in every sense of the word.
-What does that mean?

For starters, you're a whiner.

-I'm a whiner?
-You are. All of you.

But you at least laugh at yourself,
and that's a good thing.

I have plenty of reasons to,
that's for sure.

-This is why you wanted to see me?
-No.

I brought you here because
since we've become friends

I've been remembering a lot
of things from our time at school.

I used to sit here,
with my black hoodie,

-with my discman...
-The discman!

I'd listen to a lot of depressing songs
and be the bad guy here.

I'd wallow in how bad life treated me
until the sun would go down.

Isn't this place beautiful?

The first time I had sex
with my first girlfriend

she cracked up when she came.

I had never done this
and so I thought:

"I guess this is normal..."

And so I started to laugh as well,
like an idiot.

-To go along with it!
-To not ruin the mood.

She started laughing all the time
and I got used to it.

The problem was when she dumped me

and I started hooking up
with other girls who didn't laugh

I always thought that it was me
who was bad at sex.

And how many girlfriends have you had?

Girlfriends, three.
Three hook ups as well. And you?

Hook ups, a lot.

Boyfriends, like those
you go to the movies with

and go on holidays, not many...

-My first was when I was 16...
-What? 16! That's not true.

At that age, girls wouldn't even
let us grope them.

I did. I liked it.

Where would I be...
Hooking up with my ex.

I dunno, the thing
with long relationships... It's like...

I just don't do well with it.

-It doesn't work for me, I don't know.
-Why not?

I dunno. The longest relationship
I've had is with music.

No one has ever made me feel
the same way.

I swear, though, I feel it in my vagina.

It's good to feel it there.

What?

-A ball-grabber?
-A what?

You remember? Ball-grabber!

I haven't done this in...
Who knows.

Me neither.

-The Proclaimers!
-No!

-The track I recorded for you!
-Awesome!

Come with me!

Come up here!

-I can't!
-Come on!

I can't, I can't.

Why? No one knows you here,
it doesn't matter!

-I can't.
-Come on!

Come! Don't leave me here alone.

It's greater than me. I can't.
I'd die of shame.

I'd panic.
I can't dance. It can't happen.

Marcos!

Why didn't you answer your phone?

-Because I'm really busy...
-Hi, I'm Ana.

Ana?

I'm Raquel, a friend.
But I was just about to leave.

-No...
-It's okay, see you later.

Come on, let's have a drink.

Hold on, hold on.

Don't take off your clothes, please.

What's wrong?

It's just that...
I'm a little tired of this.

Us having sex and being
kind of together again, I don't think...

Marcos, you never understand anything...

-You and I aren't together.
-I know that, of course. Not at all.

-But if we keep doing this...
-I'm getting married.

-You what?
-I'm getting married.

I wanted to tell you
but I didn't know how...

My boyfriend has been in Berlin
for a while but is coming back tomorrow.

Motherfucker!

That's what I should have told her.

Mother... how do you say
"motherfucker" in your language?

"Nijamada..."
is what I should have told her.

But instead... instead of that,
I go and say...

I'm glad you're fine.

I know, and...

are you going to come to the wedding?

Most likely...

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

I'm such an idiot!
How do you say "idiot"?

"Nijuantan", the biggest one of all.

And you know what?

It's over.

I really mean it.
It's over, tell her to fuck off!

I don't want anything, thanks.

STUPID

-What are we looking for?
-Look, this one...

Let's see, which one?

It's a shoe box...
Look inside, look inside.

Here?

With cassette tapes
and other music things.

Not that one,
these are my sewing things.

Look, really.
You wanna get up here?

-Come on, get down.
-No, you get up here.

Of course! Take a look.

I'm telling you it's not here...

But it has to be somewhere.
Because then...

-Careful.
-Now look at what I've done.

TWEET ME

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED
ANA AND LUIS MIGUEL

So all this time you've been
having sex with your ex,

who has obviously been using you,

and she is marrying someone else now.

Kind of a bitch.

A bit of a bitch,
but you're an idiot.

And you know what kills me?

Ana has been leading me on,
but I've done the same to Raquel.

-Who is Raquel?
-A friend.

-At least tell me she's hot.
-She's hot, but it's not like that.

We ran into each other a while back
but we've been friends since school.

She was my friend's little sister

and she was always asking me
to record songs for her.

We liked the same bands...

Dude, you idiot...
You've completely fallen for her...

That's all we needed.

You know what you have to do.

I know, get on a bunch of apps
and hook up with lots of women.

But you know what's wrong?
That doesn't work for me.

I'm going home.

Go home,
because you need to focus a bit.

HOW TO STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE

Thanks for choosing
the greatest self-help channel

in all the Hispanic world.

Because when you need help,
you can you turn to?

Family? Friend...

Hi.

Hi Raquel, you got
some flowers with a card.

Look, I think that this design,

if we cut the flower,
it would fit perfectly...

"Among all the things you hate,
I think there is room for me.

Tomorrow, I have a work party.
I'd like you to come.

P.S.: If you don't want to come,
I'll understand.

P.S.S.: But please come..."

-I loved Nadal's tweet.
-Yeah?

-You're about to take off.
-Well...

How do you do it?

-What's up guys?
-How's it going?

-Good, could we talk for a moment?
-Of course.

Alone.

There are two things
I want to ask you.

-First, do you speak English?
-Yeah... I mean, of course.

Good, because next week
you're going to London.

-Really?
-Yes.

The bosses want you to do a "Tweet Me"
with the Premier League games.

-Great.
-And secondly: let's fuck?

Let's eat? Thing is, I was snacking...
Wait, you said "let's eat?"

No. I said let's fuck.

You know how this will end.

-A Christmas gift.
-A big one.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Can I help you?
-Yeah, thanks, I'm looking for Marcos.

-You must be Raquel.
-Yes.

I'm Diego.

-The Macho Alpha male.
-Well...

Excuse me, Marcos Garrido
is at the end of the hall to the right...

No, no. Tomy.

In the room with the garbage bins.

-There?
-Yes, in there.

Tomy, you're wrong.
He's not here yet. No, Raquel. Wait!

No, Lorena. There's been
a mistake here. No, really...

-You and your big mouth, Tomy...
-What did I do now?

I said no...

Raquel!

Raquel!

What?

Nothing happened.

Fuck, everything is screwed up.

Lorena is my boss, I don't like her.

You can fuck whoever you want.

But what I don't get is
why you even invited me to this party.

Well, that's exactly...

Look, what I wanted, today...

I mean, what I want...

What?

What do you want, Marcos?

-A bit messed up, right?
-What is a bit messed up?

Calm down, the one who went
to the trash room to fuck was you.

Screw fucking,
that has nothing to do with this!

Why do you only think about fucking?

Don't freak out. Even though
you've changed your hairstyle

and bought four shirts,
you're still the same loser as always.

Calm down, guys.
I've got a solution.

If you want to patch things up
with that girl,

tomorrow there is
a Thermomix demonstration.

-It's like the new Ferrari for women!
-It's the new nothing!

Besides, what do you know about women.

Speak for yourself,
we're doing alright here.

Yes, you're awesome.
How long have you been after Susana?

A month.

My balls one month!
A year of begging her, at least.

And what have you landed?

I think we are laying out
a solid base for the future...

And as you do that, you know
who brought in his crane? This one.

-What?
-What are you saying?

Mariano, how are things
with Elena? Good?

At a party the other day
we talked for three hours...

You know where she was for three
hours getting laid after? His house.

I never slept with her.

Are you an idiot or what?

Marcos, have you seen your friend?
I told her you were in the trash room...

Silvia, 28 years old, brown eyes.
Less than 1 km. away.

She likes brown cats.

You are a motherfucker.

I really crossed the line
the other day. Sorry.

The only thing I'm sorry for
is that you're not Silvia.

But I have brown eyes,
is that good enough?

Then, are you sure?
You're going to London?

It's a good opportunity for work.

And Raquel? What happened?

Nothing happened
because I'm a coward.

And since I don't want to be
rejected again

I'd rather just forget about it
somewhere else.

You can be so many things,
and a bit stupid is one of them...

But not a coward.

I know lately I've been a real pain
in the ass about my girlfriends.

But when I get back from London,

will you tell me what is it
that scares you so much?

They say that English girls
love to dress up.

Maybe I'll go and visit you.

I also like to dress up.
Come see me.

Again!

Dad, let me in!
This is really heavy!

Son, I know you're not stupid,
the school psychologist told us,

but try to focus a bit.
You're too old to be wasting time.

I'm going to London, I got promoted.

This time it's for real, they told me.

But I'm leaving you these things
to hold on for me.

Don't sell them on Wallapop,
these are mine.

-Hi, Marcos!
-Hi, mom.

Hey, I think I found that box
you were looking for.

I'll take a look at this...

Good morning.

Okay, I've been stupid and an idiot.

But I'm not a coward.

I'm not a coward,
I'm not a coward.

I'm not a coward....

Now I know why you left me.

Marcos, now's not the best time...

Sorry, this will only take a minute.
I'm Marcos, the ex-boyfriend.

Francisco, Maribel, how's it going?

You left me because you didn't love me.
It's okay, I didn't love you either.

-Marcos...
-But I want to thank you.

Because you said something
the day you dumped me

that at that time I didn't see.

That this was for the best
for both of us and you were right.

Now you'll be happy with...
What's your name?

Luis Miguel.

With Luis Miguel.

-And I...
-Marcos, enough!

I just want to, as your ex-partner,

congratulate you. Really.

Luis Miguel, I'm sorry.

While you were in Berlin
she was fucking me.

She's a bit of a bitch.

Okay.

But I want you to know you found me
at a weird time in my life.

I tried to change everything
just to be a man of the XXI century.

But that was so dumb...
what does that even mean?

Because now I like exercising
and eating better.

But apps for hooking up don't work
for me, nor the sexymojis.

And really, I'd prefer that an eggplant
just be an eggplant.

And I don't like it when pants
cut off the blood flow to my legs,

or wearing a S size jersey.
Instead, I still like my vinyls

and the hair on my legs
and my music band shirts,

and I'm not going to give up
the things that I like.

Because, above all, I like you.

I like you because you don't have
to put on anything just to be yourself

and that to me is amazing.

And you know what you want.

And if you want, you colour
your hair pink and dance barefoot.

No...

This is me. I know what I want.

And I love you, Raquel.

I LOVE YOU, STUPID

My name is Sebastian Venet.

Venet with a V.

I'm a holistic therapist.

I developed a discipline that

encompasses several disciplines
in the art of healing.

I treat patients all around the world
with my "EFUS" method.

Empowerment For You System.

I also train future "EFUS" masters.

I do transpersonal yoga,

somatic reiki,
top stream Vikram inferno,

and shock therapy for couples
with self-defense techniques.

I was also sworn in
as a master in retro hypnosis

through the Chang Fu
Mar de Plata Academy.

And well,

basically what I do is help people.

Help people to... do everything.

Sebastian, time to eat!

Coming, mom!

I'll edit this later.

Subtitles: ECLAIR SPAIN