All language subtitles for I.Want.Someone.To.Eat.Cheese.With.2006.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(bright upbeat music)

- No can do, James.

- What do you mean "no can do"?

- [Dick] You know why.

- No, I don't. Tell me.

- You're not supposed
to eat this stuff.

- Okay. Look.

Crisp $20 bill. Come on.

- I can't do it.

- (sighs) Dick, I support you.

I come here. I could go
to those corporate stores.

No. I come to you,
the small businessman.

I'm here to see
you. Support you.

- Okay. One last time.

- One last time. Here you go.

I got a question for you.
- What?

- You got chocolate.
Why no rice pudding?

- Why don't I carry it?
- Yeah.

- I don't like it. In fact,
I have an aversion to it.

- So if you didn't like milk,
then you wouldn't carry milk.

- If I don't like it,
how can I recommend it?

- Well, I thank you, my friend.

- Say hi to your mother.

(gentle music)

(gentle music)

(birds chirping)

(door thudding)

- You're going without
saying good-bye?

- I'm sorry, Ma. Good-bye.

- You're not gonna wear
that shirt, are you?

- Don't you see that's
not even a question?

- That shirt makes you look fat.

- That's because I am fat.

- You're not fat.

- If anything, I make
the shirt look fat.

- Your snoring is
getting louder.

I can hear it even
with the door closed

and a pillow over my head.

- I don't know what to tell ya.

Bye, Ma.

- Bye.

- All right. Here's
your clipboard.

When you go in, you tell him
you're from the government.

- Right?
- From the government.

- What did I just say?

- From the government.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay. Why do I have an
empty metal clipboard?

- Because there's a hidden
microphone up there. See?

Hold it high.

- Well, why is there
no paper in it?

- What do you know from paper?

Now go into the showroom
and ask for Bill Bango.

Then you ask Bill Bango,
"Are you the same Bill Bango

who used to ride hot rods
at Lake Geneva in the '70s?

And we know that Bill Bango
knew someone named Vicki Seberg.

We know you had relations
with Vicki Seberg,

and you have a
long-lost daughter."

- Really?

- He's a prick car
dealer. What do you care?

- Well, where are the cameras?

- Cameras? What are
you, a producer now?

(laughs) Never mind
the cameras. Jesus.

(gentle music)

- Can I help you?
- Yeah.

Uh, I'm looking
for, uh, Bill Bango.

- You mean Bill Bjango?

- I thought it was Bango.

- No. It's Bjango.

Bill Bjango.

Bill Bjango, customer to
see you in the showroom.

- Where did the term
dealership come from?

- I don't know.
- Just wondering.

What about tent sales?

What is it about tents that
make people wanna buy cars?

(gentle music)

(James groans)

- May I help you, sir?

- Bill Bango?
- It's Bjango.

- Yeah. Um, Mr. Bjango,
I'm, uh, Rory Rorerson.

- [Bill] What can I do
for you, Mr. Rorerson?

- Uh, I'm from the
government and, uh,

are you the same Bill Bjango

that raced hot rods up at
Lake Geneva in the '70s?

- That's me.

- Okay. Do you remember a
woman named, uh, Vicki Seberg?

- Vicki Seberg. You know, I
knew a lot of gals back then.

- Yeah, well, um, here's where
it gets a little bit messy.

It appears you had relations
with Miss Seberg back then,

and, uh, from that, um,

devil-may-care moment
came a daughter.

- Did you say I have,

did you say I have,
have a, have a daughter?

- Yes. I also said
devil-may-care. I said.

- Cue the girl.

- Is she-
- Daddy!

- Oh.
- Oh, I have missed you.

- [Bill] Oh, my God.

- This is great.

- [Girl] Oh, Daddy. (sobbing)

- [Bill] I don't know
what, what, what to say.

What to, what to say.

- Mr. Bjango. Mr. Bjango.

I'm, uh, not really
from the government,

and, uh, she's not
really your daughter.

- She's not, not my daughter?

- No, she's not your daughter.

We're from a TV show
called "SmearJob,"

and this has all been a joke.

- Joke?

(producer laughing)

It's not funny, sir.

- I know it's not funny.

- Not funny.
- I'm, I'm terribly sorry.

I, it's not funny.

I'm not enjoying this.

- What? What's not to enjoy?

You got the whole fat
guy thing all wrapped up.

I mean, who else is out there
who's fat and funny? Huh?

- Being fat has nothing
to do with why I'm funny.

- Okay, I got ya. I got ya.

Anyway, there's a couple
eating in the back, okay?

I want you to go up there

and pretend that you're
a government agent,

and you tell them
you've got proof

that the guy's cheating on her.

- This is disturbing.
You know that, right?

- What's disturbing?
It'll be funny.

Funny, funny, funny.

And you make sure
that it's the guy

who's doing the cheating.

Otherwise it's not funny.

- How do you know that?

- Not me. It's research.

Our research tells us,

that people think it's funnier
if the guy is cheating.

- Okay.
- All right?

- Now once I tell
them he's cheating,

what do I do after that?

- Whatever you
say will be great.

You are a multi-talented
young man.

Oh. There you go.

- Clipboard. Paper.
- All right?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Go get 'em, you little pisher.

- Oh, yeah.

So you don't work
here at the store?

- Not really. No.

(audience laughing)

- You'll have to forgive her.

It's just that she
shows up every day

and does more work than
our paid employees do.

So we kind of just let her stay.

Did you need to be in a line?

- Um.
- Well, wouldn't you know?

- I just think that,
this is not a good thing.

- Well, why not?

- I just don't feel that you
and I are on the same page.

- Okay, Susie von Cliche,
what are you talking about?

- You're 39, and you
live with your mother.

- Yeah?

- You're in terrible shape.

You don't care
about how you look.

- I care about how I look.

There's a matter of pride
as I get dressed every day.

I'm gonna get in shape.
That's part of the plan.

And I'm gonna move
out of my mom's.

- I told you this wouldn't
work. We work together.

- It's because I'm fat.

- It is not because you're fat.

- Don't do this
because, I love you.

I love you. And I've
always loved you.

Ever since you
started working here,

I, I've been in love with you.

- You don't love me.

- Maybe I do.

(phone ringing)

You don't know. How do you know?

- Hi. I'm leaving right now.

I'll be there in a minute. Bye.

- Who's that?
- None of your business.

- I thought you were
going straight home.

- I have to meet somebody.

- A guy?
- I, I'm leaving.

- So it's over.

- Whatever it was, it's over.

(quiet pensive music)

- Hey. Where were you?

- [James] Out.

- Where?

- None of your business.

(door thuds)

(gentle music)

Hi, Mom.

- [Mom] Hi, honey.
How was your day?

- Fine.

- [Mom] Even when you
were a little boy,

whenever I asked you
"How was your day?",

you always said, "Fine."

- It was fine.

- [Mom] Are you hungry?

- [James] Mm, not really.

- I made some kugel.

- [James] All right.
Maybe one piece.

(gentle music)
(TV chattering)

(birds chirping)

- James.
- Luca.

Somebody's probably sick.

- Nobody's sick.

- Why else would
they not be open?

- 'Cause they're closed.

- Well, they're closed.

Yeah. Yeah.
- They're closed.

Next time you come here,
it's gonna be a bank.

Look at that floor.
You see that floor?

It's a beautiful floor.

All that stone was cut by
hand by some immigrant.

Irish guy, or Italian.

Like in the '30s or
something. Worked hard.

Made every piece
fit in that floor.

Go home at night.

A little place. A wife.

Maybe a couple kids.
It's a great floor.

- All right.
I've been coming here for years,

with my dad, with
my grandfather.

Never noticed the floor.

- That's part of the problem.

- What, you're writing me up
for never noticing the floor?

- [Luca] Writing a note.

We need a new place to eat.

- That's a big ball of Purim.

- What's Purim?

- It's kind of like
a Jewish Halloween.

- Oh.

(woman speaking in
foreign language)

- There is nothing hotter
than an angry Frenchwoman.

- No.

- Yowza. Wow.

- Where you wanna
go? Waffle King?

King of the cinnamon waffle.

- I hate the Waffle King.

- No. You hate the
Waffle King's son.

Uh, Kenny G-lookin' guy
who mixes the fruit.

- Yeah.
- IHOP?

- IHOP?
- No.

- Guess not.

- Man, the girls around
here are way hot.

- Yeah. It's a
nice neighborhood.

- Look at that. See
the cornices up there?

- Yeah.
- Nice Romanesque vaulting.

They don't make this anymore.

- You love Chicago.
- I do.

I know. Manny's.

- Manny's is great, but my
car is up by Wrigley Field.

- Why is it up by Wrigley?

- I found a great space.

- But you don't live by Wrigley.

Shouldn't your car be
near where you live?

- Yeah, but I got a great space.

(woman speaking in
foreign language)

- Nothing hotter than an
elderly angry Filipino woman.

- Nothing in the world.
- Nothing in the world.

Look at that.

- [Pirate] Argh, matey.
Get your hot dogs.

Get your hot dogs. Argh.

- What does being a pirate
have to do with hot dogs?

- That's sad.

- Why a pirate?

- I don't know.
Let's go find out.

Let's go ask him.
- I gotta go to the bank.

- All right. You go to the bank.

I'm gonna find out
why he's a pirate.

- Find out.
- All right.

- [Pirate] Thank
you, ladies. Argh.

Hey, James.

- Yeah?
- Larry.

- Larry?
- It's-

- Larry?
- It's Larry.

- What are you doing?
You're dressed like a pirate.

- Yeah.

- [James] What does pirates
have to do with hot dogs?

- Listen. You gotta
do me a big favor.

I got a big audition at 11:00,

and my boss won't let me leave,

unless I get somebody
to cover for me.

- Not me.

- Come on, man. You owe me.

- Well, what's the audition for?

- Uh, "Marty."

- "Marty"?
- Yeah, "Marty."

- Paddy Chayefsky's "Marty"?

- I guess.

- Why would they remake
"Marty"? That makes no sense.

Marty's a perfect movie.
Won an Academy Award.

Ernest Borgnine won
an Academy Award.

I even have the video
version with Rod Steiger.

I've seen it a million times.

It takes place in New
York, not Chicago.

- My reading's this afternoon.

- (sighs) Who's the
casting director?

- Burl Canasta.

- Burl Canasta? He loves me.

Why didn't Burl
Canasta bring me in?

I'm perfect for "Marty."
That makes no sense.

- Would you cover for me?

- I've always wanted to do
anything by Paddy Chayefsky.

Now they're remaking "Marty."

- Wait. Who is Paddy Chayefsky?

- Who's Paddy Chayefsky?

He's one of the greatest
writers that's ever lived.

He wrote "Marty." He won
an Academy Award for it.

- I'm sorry. I didn't know.

- He also wrote "Network."

- Is that the movie

where everyone, uh,
yells out the window?

- Yes, that's what it's about,

people yelling out the window.

- Yeah, I didn't see
it. I remember it.

- Oh, that's beautiful.

- Please do me this
one favor. You owe me.

You ripped the cover on my
Silver Surfer number one.

- I told you I'd pay you back.

- When?

- Well, I'd much
rather pay you back.

- Look it. You cover for
me, and we'll call it even.

(upbeat music)

- Can I have two?
- Sure.

- Do you have mustard?
- No.

- Oh, then I don't want any.

- [James] Hey, little fella.
Why you wearin' a poncho?

It's so nice out.

- Whenever I'm bad, my
dad makes me wear it.

- [James] Ah. How
about a hot dog?

- Sure.

- Hey. Come back here.

Did you say thank
you to the man?

- No.

- That's another
week in the poncho.

- Where's Larry?

- [James] He's at an audition.

- Oh, the "Marty" audition.

- [James] Yeah.

You know, I think I'd
make a great Marty.

- Yeah, yeah, but
you're a pirate now.

- [James] You hungry?

- Yes.

- [James] Have a hot dog.

- No, thank you. I
don't eat nitrates.

- [James] All right.
You wanna cover for me?

I'll give you, like, 10 bucks.

- I'd like to, but all
I got is my dignity.

(phone beeping)

- Yeah. James Aaron for Herb.

I'm sure he is. Okay, yeah.

- Name an actress.
- Huh?

- Name an actress.

- Why?
- Just do it.

- All right. Um,
uh, Gwyneth Paltrow.

- Been naked in the
movies five times.

Actually, she had a body
double in 1998's "Hush."

So, actually, four times.

Name another.

- All right. Julianne Moore.

- Naked five times.

She holds the record for
the longest bush shot,

in 1993's "Short Cuts,"
for one minute, 24 seconds.

By the way, it happens
at the 2:17 mark.

- Come on.
- I'll take note.

- Come and get me.

- [James] Do you
do this with Larry?

- Oh, all the time. He's good.

- That's, That's quite
a talent you have.

That's really good.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Hmm.
- Yeah.

I just wanted to see
how it would feel

to be desperate enough to
do something like this.

- And how's that feel?

- Like my life.

- Let's get going. I'm starved.

- Hey. Hold on one second.

Before we leave, tell this
gentleman an actress's name.

Wait, wait, wait. And
make it sort of obscure.

Don't go with Gina Gershon,

'cause that's too
easy for what he does.

- Kay Lenz.
- Kay Lenz!

Just out of nowhere.
Kay Lenz, very good.

- Great ass. Naked five times.

The best movie to see her
naked in is 1973's "Breezy."

Directed by Mr. Clint Eastwood.

Bonus note! She was
married to David Cassidy.

- Let's go. I'm starving.

- All right. Here
you go, Mr. Skin.

- I told you. I
don't eat nitrates.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

- You always eat so healthy,
yet you're still fat.

- I don't know why.
- Hmm.

- Wanna go to the Cubs game?

- No, I can't. I
gotta go to work.

It's movie day.

We're showing "The Party,"

and I'm the only one who knows
how to run the projector.

- I love "The Party."
- Great movie.

- Yeah, kind of
falls apart, though,

when they start
washing the elephant.

- See, now I like it when
they wash the elephant.

It's trippy.

- Trippy?
- Mm-hmm.

- All right. Maybe I'll come by.

- Gotta get going.

Hey, don't forget. Career
day at Penelope's school.

- All right. I'm there.

Now, um, why aren't you going?

- She didn't ask for
me. She asked for you.

I run a retirement home.

You're an actor.

What's more interesting
to a seven-year-old?

- I don't know.

- I gotta take my pumpkin
muffin and get going.

- You got a pumpkin muffin?

- Uh-huh.
- Good for you.

- Yeah.
- You know what? My treat.

- Really?
- As a matter of fact,

from now on, whenever
you get a pumpkin muffin,

years from now, my treat.
- You sure?

- Oh, I'm Mr. Pumpkin
Muffin. It's all done.

- Carrot muffin?
- No, not carrot muffin.

Not chocolate. Not blueberry.

But corn muffin too.
Corn and pumpkin on me.

- Like, if I get it
with a, a whole meal?

- No. Just the
pumpkin muffin part.

- All right. Thanks.
- See you later, man.

Hi.

- Hi.
- What are you reading?

- Huxley.

- The guy who wrote, uh,
"The Doors of Perception."

- You've read him?

- No, actually, I read
a book about the Doors,

and it said that's how they
got their name. That's, uh.

The band the Doors.

- I know.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, I'm
starting a diet today.

- Good for you.
- Oh.

What I do is, the night
before I go on a diet,

I go to the store
and get every piece

of crap junk food
in the universe,

and the next morning
I start fresh

by having a half a cantaloupe
and some Melba toast.

- Hi, I'm Marsha,
compulsive overeater,

grateful, uh,
recovering bulimic.

- [Group] Hi, Marsha.

- Well, um, as most of you
know, I just got a promotion.

And, uh, because of that,

I'm supposed to do some
work out of my home.

Um, that's not been a
problem till last night.

Uh, Joey, my neighbor, was
blasting his stereo, and, um,

he plays Tom Jones all the time.

So I went over to his apartment,

uh, to tell him,
uh, to turn it down.

And he invites me in, uh,
to, uh, finish my work.

And before you know
it, I'm in his place,

I'm not getting my work done,

and as a matter of fact,

I'm listening to
"What's New, Pussycat?",

drinking cocoa and
eating cookies.

Um, I didn't get my work done.

At least I didn't
sleep with Joey.

I mean, that's
another whole story.

I don't even want
to get into that.

Uh, but, uh, I'm really
happy you're all here,

and that I have these rooms
to walk in and not feel alone.

And for today, right
now, I'm abstinent.

And that's all I want to say.

Thanks.

(group clapping)

- (sighs) Would anyone
else like to share?

Okay.

Um, how about we end the meeting

with five minutes of
silent meditation. (sighs)

(smooth big band music)
(doorbells jingling)

- Hi.
- One second.

- Okay. Take your time.

- Ah, you're from Second City.
- Yeah.

- You're funny.
- Wow. Thank you.

- You're really funny.

- Oh, look at you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

- I'm James.

- Beth.
- Beth. Pleasure.

What you makin'?

- Uh, I just made the
banana cookie train.

- The banana cookie
train. Look at that.

That's beautiful.

But there's nobody here.

- I know.

Well, this place is my sister's,
and I'm helping her out.

So when it's slow I
have to, you know,

make sure I can do
everything on the menu.

- Wow.
- Practice.

- What are you doing?

- I was throwing it away.

I don't have to throw it away.

You could help me
out and eat 'em.

- I could help you
out and eat 'em.

(Beth laughs)

You are the most wonderful
woman who has ever lived.

- Enjoy.
- Gosh.

The last thing I need to
do now is start obsessing

about the hot girl with
the free ice cream.

- Yeah. That's the last
thing you need, right?

- Yeah.

You know, it used to be
okay to obsess and say,

"I'm never gonna give up.
I'm gonna make her love me."

But now I'm too old.

If I did it, I'd be thrown
in jail for stalking.

- I had a stalker once.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. His name was Mick.

He called me every
day for, like, a year,

and I didn't even know him.

- What did he want?

- He wanted me to pay
off my student loan.

- Well, that's not
really stalking.

- No, but I did.

I paid it after, like, a
week, and he kept calling me,

'cause he, you know, liked me.

- He never even saw you, and
he liked you. How about that?

- It's pretty good.
- Yeah.

- James.
- Yeah?

- You ever give a
girl a hoagie shack?

- Huh? A hoagie shack?

What's that?

- That's when you
take your wiener

and you sandwich it between
the bosoms of a lady.

- I sandwich my wiener
between the bosoms of a lady?

- Exact, yeah. You're a guy.

You never had a nice little
old-fashioned hoagie shack?

- Where do you get
this stuff from?

- Well, I gotta
get back to work.

- Actually, no, I never have.

- Oh.

Ooh. How's your ice cream?

- Good.

- Yay! (giggles)

- You know what?
I'm gonna get going.

- Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Um, thank you, though, very
much for the free ice cream.

- My pleasure. Anytime.
- All right.

- Come back again.

- So, yes.
- I don't know.

- Well, do you
think that she, uh-

- I couldn't possibly know.

- What do you mean you
couldn't possibly know?

- I wasn't there, but
it seems like perhaps-

- I told you all
the information.

- I know. It seems
like an offer to me.

But I wasn't there
for her intonation.

- Well, bosoms and
wiener and a lady-

- Yeah, well, it's got all
the earmarks of an offer.

- It does have the
earmarks of an offer.

- Yes.

- Wow. What a, What a
strange term, "Hoagie shack."

- Never heard of it.

- Hoagie shack.

- Hoagie shack.
- Hoagie shack. Hoagie shack.

- I can't stop staying it now.

- [Luca] Hoagie shack.

Hey, mister, how's
about a hoagie shack?

- Have you ever
done a hoagie shack?

- I've never done,

I've never heard of a hoagie
shack before, much less-

- So it's not just me. It
would freak you out too.

- Oh, I would be
taken aback. Yes.

- Okay, so I'm not, like, you
know, a loser for not going,

"Hey, we'll hoagie shack later."

- No, it's understandable,

but you should have,
yes, taken her up on it.

- But how do you do that
in an ice cream parlor?

- You lead the life.

Hot dogs, ice cream, hoagie
shacks. You got it all.

- I do, don't I?
- Man.

- I'm lucky.
- Man.

- All right.

- One of these days you're
gonna have responsibilities.

Get the hoagie shack while
you can. That's what I say.

Hey. How about my tape measure?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Why are there no
pictures on the walls?

- It's out of respect.

- Out of respect? I've
never gotten that.

What does that mean?

- It's out of respect.
What do you want?

- Come on. There's nothing
going on in your office.

- It's an office. It's
not a photo gallery.

What do you want?
- Okay. Listen to me.

Number one, why didn't
I get an audition

for "Marty" with Burl Canasta?

- You know, I did submit you,

and Burl Canasta said that
you're not right for the role.

- Not right for the role?

I know for a fact

my friend Larry Albert
had an audition today.

- Well, if he had an audition,
it was for the movie.

It wasn't for the role of
Marty. What else you need?

- Okay.

- Your sister. She
broke up with me.

Doesn't wanna go
out with me anymore.

- I didn't know you
two were serious.

- She never talked about it?

- Listen. Listen.

I know this is a bad time, but
I'm dropping you as a client.

I'm sorry about you
and my sister, but,
uh, I'm not kidding.

- What's with your
family? Why now?

- Because you're feeling
pain from a similar thing.

- What does that mean?

- Well, it means
that, uh, it's better

to have one big pain
than two separate pains.

You know, why spread it out?

Just get it over
with. One big pain.

- That's insane.
- You know what's insane?

The fact that you keep
turning down auditions

because they're not
up to your standards.

- Well, I'd rather wait
tables than do crappy work.

- Have you ever waited tables?

- No.
- Exactly.

This is Chicago, my friend.

It's not New York. It's not L.A.

You can't be picky.

Who are you to screw up
some show like "SmearJob"?

- That wasn't acting.
That was pure evil.

That's what the name
should have been,

"Pure Evil", brought
to you by the devil.

- It was money. You know how
many shows are shot in Chicago?

- One?

- I used to think
you were terrific.

I used to think you were great.

Boy, was I wrong.

You're like a first round
draft pick that goes bust.

I'm sorry.

- You're not sorry.

- I'm a little sorry.

(smooth jazzy music)

- Hey, where were you?

- Out.
- Where?

- None of your business.

- I was at Gustav's Meats today.

This meat is as tender
as he said it would be.

Anyway, you know
his daughter Maria.

- No.

- No, what?

- No, I won't go out with her.
- I never said that.

- [James] That's what
you were going to say.

- I was not gonna say that.

- Oh, you were going to.

- No. I wasn't because she
got married last weekend.

- And?

- And there you are.

- You know, Ma, I'm
gonna get going.

- [Mom] But you haven't
finished your dinner.

- I'm not hungry.

Yes, I am.

(man singing faintly)

♪ I couldn't go
to sleep tonight ♪

- Ooh. Oh.

No way.

- You don't really want
that album, do you?

- Ben Webster. Were
you gonna get it?

- Well, yeah, but
you know Ben Webster?

- Well, I don't
know him, know him.

My dad was a big fan
of Duke Ellington's,

and, you know, he loves
his version of "Danny Boy,"

and I love "Tenderly," so, I
wasn't even looking for this.

I just saw it. So
if you wanna get it-

- Ben and Sweets
is a great album.

If you don't have it,
you should get it.

- No, I, yeah, I know.

I mean, but I don't
wanna take it if you-

- No. Hey, hey. Um, isn't there,
like, a Ben Webster box set

that's due out soon?

- Yeah. It's coming in
like, uh, two weeks.

I got, uh, three comin'.

- Great. Great, great.

Can I, uh, put, uh, one on hold?

- Yeah, I could, but I
think you'll be just fine.

I don't think there's
gonna be a big rush

on the Ben Webster box sets.

- Big rush? Take
a look, my friend.

- Mini-rush right now.

Your hair's blowin'
back as we come at ya.

- Very good.
- Two of us.

- No, go ahead and,
and get it. Please.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Please.

- That is so sweet of you.

- What's your name?
- Stella.

- Stella. So your dad
liked, uh, Miles Davis too.

- Yeah. Or a big
Marlon Brando fan.

I've never quite
figured that out.

- What's your name? I'm sorry.

- I'm James.

- James.
- Yeah.

Nice meeting you, Stella.

- Nice meeting you.
- Yeah.

Well, enjoy it.
You're gonna love it.

- Oh, thanks.

- Sure. All right, um.

- You're not getting anything?

No. I, I, I'm gonna come back.

I'll get the box set.

It'll be here. There
won't be a rush.

Okay. I'll, I'll, I'll get it.

- Oh. There you go.

- So, well, nice
meeting you, Stella.

- Nice meeting you, James.

- Take care.
- Thank you. You too.

Kind of neat, two people
looking for Ben Webster.

Isn't it?

Well, I think it is.

(traffic whooshing)

(car horn honking)

- Are you looking for me?

- Oh, uh.

- I live upstairs.

- Oh.

- Did you want some
more ice cream?

- Uh, no, no, no.

You know what? I really
gotta stop eating ice cream.

I need to lose some weight.

- Yeah. I used to be chubby
when I was a little girl.

- Yeah, but I'm
not a little girl.

- No, you're a big girl.

- Big, pretty girl.

- Does the big, pretty
girl wanna go for a walk?

- Sure. Yeah.

(upbeat jazzy music)

Have you seen "Marty"?
- Marty who?

- No, it's a movie.
It's my favorite movie.

- Oh. No.

- Do you like rice puddin'?

- No. I haven't
tried it, but I, no.

- Oh, you'd love it. You don't
know what you're missing.

- How come you don't have a
girlfriend, James? (giggles)

- I don't know how
to answer that.

I, I, I, uh, um, I don't know.

- Have you ever
had a relationship?

- Um, a couple.

Uh, let's see here. Uh, there
was, uh, one girl at camp.

Um, but that was imaginary.

(Beth giggles)

Um, and then, uh,
let's see here. Um.

Yeah. There's my agent's sister.

But that was more of a thing.

She really didn't have
that much interest in me.

How about you?

- No, no relationships.
Just sex.

Or, or one, I did
have one relationship

with a girl in college.

- Really?
- It, hmm, yeah.

Well, she was a woman. She was
my women's studies professor.

- Well, tell me more about
your hot lesbian professor.

- It wasn't. It was, she...

It was just during college,
and I only went out with her,

'cause she looked like Barry
Gibb, and I love the Bee Gees.

- And I am no longer
interested in the story.

(Beth giggles)

As an adult, I've never
really been on a picnic.

That's not really a picnic.

They don't have the
red-and-white checkerboard cloth

and the picnic basket.

They're really just a
couple of young people

in love eating cheese.

- Mm, I want someone
to eat cheese with.

- That's what I want.

That's so simple.
That's perfect.

Although I'd probably
prefer rice pudding.

I love, I'm telling you.

You have no idea what you're
missing. It's so good.

- You wanna come with me
to buy some underwear?

- I was just thinking that.

(upbeat music)

- You like this?

- Mm. Delicioso.

- Oh.

You like this?

- Chocolaty.
- Chocolaty.

- Chocolaty.
- I'm trying this on.

- All right.

(blues music)

- Excuse me.
- Huh?

- Your girlfriend
wants to talk with you.

- Who?
- Your girlfriend.

- Oh.

- Come here.

Come here. I need
you to see this.

I need to know what you think.

- It's great.
- You're not even looking.

- Hey. It's, it's great.

It's great.

- All right. I'm gonna
try something else on.

I'm gonna need you to come back.

- Uh, okay. I'll be right here.

- You know what? I'm gonna go.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I'll see ya tomorrow
night after your show.

(brakes squeaking)

(bright music)

(kids clapping)

- There you are.
- Hey.

- Getting a little upset.

Thought I was gonna have to
talk to 'em about being mayor.

- Thank you.
- All right.

Well, I'm here. I'm sorry.

- Ms. Lewis, this is
Penelope's uncle, James.

James, this is Penelope's
teacher, Ms. Lewis.

- Hi.
- Stella.

- Yes.

- From the record store. Wow.
- Mm-hmm.

You remember, huh?
- Yeah.

Okay, um, I just need to say
Mr. So-and-So. Your last name?

- Oh, Aaron.

- Aaron. Oh.

All right, kids. Okay, kids.

This is Mr. Aaron. Say,
"Hello, Mr. Aaron," right?

- [Children] Hi, Mr. Aaron.

- Come on, we can do better
than that. A round of applause.

- Hi, Mr. Aaron!
- Hi, kids. Hi, kids.

I'm, uh, I'm, uh,
Penelope's uncle.

Well, I'm not really her uncle.

I'm actually her
dad's best friend.

But she calls me uncle.

Yeah, well, uh, what
do I do? I'm an actor.

Uh, I've been doing this
for about, uh, 20 years now.

Wow. 20 years.

You would've thought I would
have made it already, you know?

I mean, that's a
long time, 20 years.

Did you hear they're
remaking "Marty"?

Yeah. Remaking "Marty."

I don't know why-why
would they remake "Marty"?

Makes no sense.

I would've been a perfect Marty.

Question, yeah. Go
ahead, my friend.

- I'm bored.
- What?

- I'm bored.
- What?

- [Children] He's bored.

- Oh, all right. Uh, bored.

Um, all right, I'll try
and, uh, let's see here.

Um, okay, uh, I should
really keep going,

you know, not give up.

Uh, I do work. I'm not
gonna say I don't work.

I do work. I was on a show
recently, uh, get this.

It was supposed to be a funny
show, but I made people cry.

Isn't that silly?

Made people cry on
a funny show? Hmm.

Uh, you know, the really,
the big thing for me is,

I need somebody to love.

I want somebody to love.

That's the thing that's missing
for me, is somebody to love.

And I did meet this one girl,
but she's kind of a nut-bag.

Maybe I'm the nut-bag
for digging her,
you know? Who knows?

Do we really pick who
we fall in love with

or does it just happen?

You know, bottom line
is, I need to get laid.

When I say laid, I mean a nap.

I need a nap right now.
Do they have a cot here?

'Cause I could just
lay down all day long.

While you guys are learning,
I could take a nap and, uh.

You know, when I go
to work sometimes,

I walk through the park.

And when I'm walking
through the park I, um,

I don't wanna step in doody,

and that's all that's
in the park is doody.

Horse doody, dog
doody, duck doody.

Bee doody. Bees make doody.

They do. There are
just tons of doody.

- Doody.

- And also, there's a guy I
gotta avoid. You know why?

On his nose, the biggest
booger in the world.

Yeah, that's right.

His name? Baron von Booger.

That's his name.

(children giggling)
(bell ringing)

- Oh.

- I, I'm sorry. I am.

I don't know where
that came from.

- Please. The kids don't
know what it means.

Don't even worry about it.

- I'm just so sorry.

- Please, I really,
I understand.

- Well, thanks.

- Yeah, I mean, who
hasn't been there?

You know what I mean?

Where you think food or sex

somehow's gonna bring
you some fulfillment.

And then you just realize

that all we really
want is some love.

I mean, everybody feels
that way, don't you think?

The other night I
went to a restaurant
and I was ordering ice cream.

I thought I'll just get a little
something to go, you know?

I ordered, like, a whole pint,

and then I sat there at
the counter eating it.

Then the guy from the
hardware store came in to,

for a pie to go.

And I almost left with him.

That's just, you
know what I mean.

- Sure, I do. Sure, I do.
- Right.

- Yeah, I do.

That's, I'm just embarrassed

about what happened, that's all.

- Don't be. Don't
be embarrassed.

You know, when you're lonely,
you're lonely and (sighs).

Do you have a couple minutes?

- Now I'm really embarrassed.
I have to be honest.

- Oh, God, no! No, I
didn't mean for that.

- Oh, I didn't mean that either.

I didn't know. I
didn't mean that.

- Oh. I should shower right
now, just at the thought.

- I didn't mean-
- You didn't mean that?

- No, I didn't mean that.

- What did you mean?

- I meant that. I did.
- Uh-huh.

- I meant that because-

- Can you give me one minute?

- Yes, I'll give you one minute.

- All right, good. Okay, I
want you to meet somebody.

(gentle music)

(throat clearing)

- Do you know why you're here?

- Not really.

- Well, um, Ms. Lewis,
um, is actually concerned.

She said you had a misadventure.

- She said misadventure?

- Misadventure. Mm-hmm.

Is that true?

I'd be careful if I were you,
James. She's a chubby chaser.

- What's a chubby chaser?

- I, just, never
mind. I'm sorry.

I just don't wanna
get off track.

Um, James, are
you familiar with,

the, uh, children's classic,

"Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory"?

- Yeah.

- Okay. So you remember the
oddity that was Augustus Gloop?

- The fat kid who fell
into the chocolate river.

- The fat kid who fell
into the chocolate river.

He was a sloth, a
gluttonous sloth.

And despite being
warned, he fell into-

- The chocolate river.
- The chocolate river.

Jimmy, you are the chocolate
river of your life, all right?

And I'm Oompa Loompa. Hmm.

Isn't that cute?
I'm Oompa Loompa.

Please, I'm begging
you, do not fall in.

Do not go near the
room where they make

the strawberry-flavored,
chocolate-coated fudge.

- I won't fall in.

- Well, then, okay.

You can just tell Ms. Lewis
that we had a chitchat

and that you come back
and see me if you need to.

And please don't
tell her I told you

that she was a chubby chaser.

- I won't.
- Okay.

Do you think I'm pretty?

- I don't know what that means,

(audience laughing)

because I'm an old sharecropper.

But I'd love some of your corn.

- Yes, of course.

It's funny you say
sharecroppers, and
we're sharing a crop.

(audience laughing)

- How is it my little lady and
I are gonna get us some corn?

Because, man, I
love corn so much.

It overwhelm me the way I love
the corn. I love the corn.

Man, I remember as a little boy,

I sit on my grandpa's
lap lovin' the corn.

- Excuse me. Do you have
a washcloth in your mouth?

- Why, you know what?
Let's take a look.

I, I have not brushed my
teeth in over 40 years.

There's a great possibility

that I could have a
washcloth in my mouth.

(audience laughing)

Hello.

(audience laughing)

Hi.
- Hi.

Where do you want to go?

- All right, before
we go anywhere,

I wanna establish something.

You are a huge-time hottie
and I am Baron von Fat.

- You're not fat.

- And you're a little bit crazy.

- Where are we
gonna go? I'm cold.

- All right, come on.

(smooth jazzy music)

Here's what we're gonna do.
This will be lots of fun.

Um, let's go down the next aisle
and when we see each other,

we'll do, like, a scenario.

- Okay.

- All right, um, I'm gonna be

your 12th grade science teacher,

who, uh, who failed you.

And because he failed you,

you didn't get into the
college that you wanted to.

And you're seeing me
for the first time.

- Excellent.
- Cool. All right.

Um, by the way, I'm,
uh, Mr. Johanssen.

- Oh.
- Oh. Beth, is that you?

- Mr. Johanssen.

- You may call me Bill,
because we are both adults.

- Okay, Bill. Yeah.
- Hi.

So how are you?

- I'm great.

I just, I really wanna thank you

for failing me in that class.

- What?
- I'll explain.

See, when you failed me,

I wasn't able to get
into Northwestern.

That was my number one school.

So when I couldn't go
to my number one school,

I got so depressed, I
didn't even go to college.

- I am so sorry.

- Don't be sad, Bill.

Because once I got better,
once I came out of my funk,

I became Chicago's
number one crack whore.

- The number one crack whore?
- Yeah.

- That is quite
an accomplishment.

You must have done some
things that are not clean.

- The scum of the earth of
Chicago has been inside me.

- Oh. Well, I must go home
and experiment on self.

- Oh, yeah. I have to go too.

I'm very busy. Very popular.

Can't keep the tricks waiting.

- No, you cannot. Good-bye.

- So long.
- Bye-bye.

Bye.

- That was fun.
- Okay. Let's try this one.

Uh, um, I'm a young cadet
fresh out of the academy,

and you are a, um,
a hippie chick.

Different sides of the track.

I'm in full, uh, uniform. Okay?

And you, uh, you love corn.

- I love corn.

- That's it.
- I love corn.

(can clattering)

Oh.

- Ma'am, you seem to
have dropped this.

- Why, thank you, young cadet.

Groovy uniform.

- Groovy, ma'am?

- Yeah, groovy.
I'm a hippie chick,

who loves corn.

(both laughing)

- Oh, man. That was a lame one.

Okay, uh, they're not all great.

Um, all right, you
think of the next one.

- Okay. Um, you just be you.

- Be me?
- Yeah.

- Okay. That's easy.

- You live near here?
- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Okay, what?

- Okay, I'll come over.

- You'll come over?

You'll come over.

Great. My mom's not home.

- You live with your mom?
- Yeah.

But she's out playing Mahjong.

- Okay.

(upbeat music)

(smooth jazzy music)

- How come you only
have records, no CDs?

- [James] Uh, I've got some
CDs, but I, uh, prefer records.

- Why?

- [James] Well, I, uh, do you
really want me to tell you?

- Hmm. You're right.

(bright jazzy music)

- You gotta kick me out.

- What?

- I really wanna have sex
with you. I really do.

But first, I need
you to kick me out.

- You're kidding, right?

- No, I'm not. I'm not kidding.

Kick me out and I'll go
home. And then call me.

- What kind of screwed-up
childhood did you have?

- Just kick me out and
don't care about me,

and we'll call it
a day, you know?

And then call me
another day and we'll-

- I'm not gonna kick you out.

- Okay, by not kicking me out,

you're basically
asking me to leave.

- I don't want you to leave.

- I'm gonna leave.

- Who was that?

- Myra, please.

- Who?

- Good night, Myra.

(door thuds)

(knuckles rapping)

- I'm sorry.

- Hi.
- Hey. Did you sleep good?

- You snore.
- I know. I'm sorry.

- Is someone here?

Oh. James, who's this?

- [Beth] I'm James's
friend, Beth.

- Oh, a girl. How sweet.

Dear, would you sit down there?

- Sure.

- We'll have a cup of tea.
- Okay.

- You don't need to do that, Ma.

- [Mom] Oh, I wanna do
it. No trouble at all.

- I'd prefer if you
didn't do that, Ma.

- Yes. I, I'd like to know
your friend a little bit.

Tell me, uh, how long
have you known James?

- We just met.
- Oh.

- You like?
- Ma!

- James is a lovely boy.

- With my mom, both people
and food are lovely.

The other day she asked me
if I wanted a lovely brisket.

(all laughing)

All right, you know
what, Ma, we're gonna go.

- I understand.
- Yeah.

- [Beth] Why don't
you come with us?

- Well, I'd like to,

but James wants me to,
uh, leave him alone.

- [James] That I do.

- Yes, well, that's
the way it is.

- Okay, let's go. Bye, Ma.
- It was nice to meet you.

- Bye-bye, dear. Nice
to meet you, sweetheart.

- Morning, Henry.

- Why do you live
with your mother?

- Well, you know, I
figure she's just lonely

and she needs someone
to keep her company

and I really don't know why
to be honest, I just, uh,

it's comfortable and I
don't know what she'd do

if I ever moved out.

- I want coffee.

- I could use some coffee too.

- I'm just gonna go home and
get some Starbucks on the way.

- You sure?

- Uh, I'll, I'll call you.

- Okay.

Bye.

- James?
- Yeah.

- Forget something?
- No.

- Where's the girl?

- She had to go home.

- Neil called from the theater.

- [James] Well,
what did he want?

- He didn't say.

- Hey, Ma, did you know that
they're remaking "Marty"?

- What do you mean, remaking?

- New actors, same movie.

They're remaking "Marty."
They're redoing the movie.

- That's wonderful.

- No, it's not wonderful.

It's horrible.

I mean, why would you remake
"Marty"? It's a perfect movie.

And even worse than that,
I can't get an audition.

The casting director
won't see me.

- Why don't you go and
tell that casting director

that you wanna be in the movie?

- 'Cause it doesn't
work that way.

- Why not?

- You're right. Why not?

- Put on something nice.

- Why don't you just tell
me to put on the blue suit?

- The blue suit. What blue suit?

- It was a joke,
like in "Marty,"

when she tells him to
put on the blue suit

and go to the Stardust Ballroom.

- Do you have a blue suit?

- I do.
- Wear it.

- All right. I will, Ma.

I'm, uh, here to audition
for, uh, "Marty."

- Oh, we're actually just
seeing, uh, Claras today.

- I know. He told me that.

But I think you should
see me for "Marty."

I'm perfect. It's my
favorite all-time movie, man.

You gotta let me audition.

- Not now, James.

- Well, if you don't
let me audition,

I'm gonna stay here all day.

- Ooh.
- Not gonna leave.

- You don't wanna do that.
- Oh, yes, I do.

- Oh, you shouldn't do that.

- I will.

- Okay. Okay, fine.

Glenn, who's my next Clara?

- She is.
- Okay.

Come on in.

- I'll be right here.
- Yeah.

- Sorry to freak you guys out,
but, uh, I-I have to do this.

- [Receptionist] Why
are you doing this?

- Well, uh, last night I had sex

for the first time
in five years,

and I'm feeling
pretty invincible.

I know, it's a little
bit too much information,

but, I'm sorry.

(bright upbeat music)

- Come on, James.
It's been cast.

- Burl-
- It's cast. It's cast.

- See me.

- It's cast. The
role has been cast.

- Who's playing "Marty"?

- Aaron Carter.

- Who is Aaron Carter?

- If you were a teenage
girl, you'd know.

- They're making "Marty"
for teenage girls?

- Mm.

- Who's playing the mother?
- Gina Gershon.

- Marty's mom is hot?
- She is now.

- [James] Have you
ever seen "Marty"?

- Of course I've seen "Marty."

- You've never seen "Marty."

- I have seen "Marty."

- [James] Who
starred in "Marty"?

Ernest Borgnine won an
Academy Award. Who wrote it?

- Uh-
- Paddy Chayefsky. Gosh.

Did you hear, uh,
they're remaking "Marty"?

- Yeah. Oh, yeah, I heard.

- [James] You know
who's playing Marty?

- Who?
- Aaron Carter.

- The old Wonder Woman?

- [James] (laughs)
That's Linda Carter.

- Oh, right.
- No, Aaron Carter.

- Right, uh, pop star. I
think my daughter likes him.

- Well, she's gonna love
the new "Marty," okay?

- I'll let her know.

James, I gotta fire you.

It's nothing personal.

It's just you've been
around here too long.

And I got some great people
in the touring company

I gotta move up or
I'm gonna lose 'em.

- But it's nothing personal.

Listen to me, I'm telling
you, it's not personal.

You should give
L.A. another shot.

Go on out there. You're
not getting any younger.

- I'm not going to L.A. I'm
staying here in Chicago.

- Well, that's your business,
but you can't stay here.

I'm sorry.

- You're not sorry.

- You're right. I'm not.

(smooth jazzy music)

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Ma.

- [Mom] Where you
going with flowers?

- Uh, to see a
girl about a horse.

- [Mom] Oh, what do you mean?

- Uh, it's what
Grandpa used to say,

to see a man about a horse.

- Uh-huh. And?

- So I'm gonna see a
girl about a horse.

I was just having, never mind.

- Well, what are you
doing with flowers?

- I'm goin' to see a girl.

- Well, don't do
anything I would do.

- Wouldn't do.

- (laughs) That's too negative.

- Bye, Ma.
- Bye, sweetie.

- I love you.
- Love you.

(upbeat jazzy music)

- Um, Clark, north of Addison.

- Can do. You meeting a girl?

- What makes you say that?

- The flowers. You
going on a date?

- Um, no, I'm just
meeting a girl.

Uh, I'm not, no date.
It's not a date.

- Don't do it,
okay? Don't do it.

- What are you talking
about, don't do it?

- Don't do it.

I, I can turn the meter off
right now and take you home.

I won't charge you a penny.

- Well, why do you say that?

- Because I can tell
these, I know these things.

That girl gonna break your
heart, man. I know these things.

- You know she's
gonna break my heart?

- I know she's gonna
break your heart.

- Oh, I think it'll be fine.

I, I, I don't think any problem.

I'm just going over to see a
girl. Nothing more than that.

- Not too late. I can
still take you home.

- No.

- Should I wait?
Maybe I'll wait.

- No. Don't wait.

- I tried.

- Who is it?
- James.

- James who?
- James Aaron.

- [Man] I don't know any James.

- Then why did
you ask James who?

- [Man] Good night.

- Hello?
- Beth, it's James.

- I'll be right down.

- Hi.
- Thanks. Hey.

- Why are you here?

- Just wanted to see you.

- Well, I don't want flowers.

I don't want someone
to bring me flowers.

- So I won't bring
you flowers anymore.

- No. There's no anymore.

There's not gonna be an
anymore, James. It's-

- What about wanting
somebody to eat cheese with?

- I just, I've never
been with a fat guy.

I mean, it was fun.

It just, was just
a thing, you know.

Oh.

Don't look at me so sad.

You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be okay.

Thanks for the flowers.

- Uh, thank you.

Hello, James.

- [James] Hello, Claude.

- I spoke to the
producers tonight.

- [James] Producers?

- And they said that there's
some parts that are still open.

- What parts, what producers?

- The producers of "Marty."

I saw them earlier this
evening at Gamekeepers.

I told them I'm Claude Clochet,

and I've won three
Joseph Jefferson Awards

for excellence in
the theater arts.

I told them I didn't have
much time to do their film,

as I'm currently in
rehearsals for "Creme Brulee,"

a new work by Vic Meyerson.

I hadn't heard of Vic
either until last year

when we met at a party,

and he came up to
me and he said,

"You're Claude
Clochet, are you not?"

And I said, "I am
indeed Claude Clochet."

And he said, "Claude
Clochet, I believe

that you are an
instrument of emotions."

And I said, "Huh.
That's funny and ironic,

because I often think of myself

as an instrument of emotion."

And then I thought to myself

if, as an instrument of emotion,

I happen to win three
Joseph Jefferson Awards,

well, then so be it.

At that time I'd only won two,

but I knew a third
was soon to come.

I didn't feel it. I knew it.

And, as a matter of fact,
I told this very story

as part of my acceptance speech.

- Great.

- There's still some parts open.

I thought you
might like to know.

And maybe you can have
Herb call for you.

I gotta go.

(doorbell chiming)

- You're all out.

- They're gonna
deliver tomorrow.

- I can't believe
you're all out.

- Well, I got some in back,

but they're way past
their freshness date.

- How far past?

- I don't know. I just
know it's not fresh.

- Get 'em.

- You don't want those.

- Please, get 'em, Dick.

- Oh.

(doorbell chiming)

- Where's the guy?

- I don't know. He
went in the back.

- That's weird.

I've never seen this before.

We ought to just walk out
of here, teach him a lesson.

It's outrageous.

(footsteps tapping)

Where were you?

- [Dick] I had something
to take care of.

- I got stuff to
do too, you know.

- I'm sorry.

- If you cared,
you'd be out here.

- I got diarrhea,
okay? You happy?

- Yeah, actually I am happy.

Dick like you deserves diarrhea.

(doorbell chiming)

- Wow. Do you believe that guy?

- Diarrhea?

- It's all I could think of.

Here, I found some.

- Oh, man. Thank you.

Thank you.

- Don't! No, don't.

They're old. I'm not
gonna charge you for 'em.

Here. Take 'em.

Milk's on me.
- Wow. Thank you.

- Uh, it's none of my business,

but I think you got a problem.

Take it for what it's worth.

- Thanks.

(smooth jazzy music)

(bag crashing)

(smooth jazzy music)

(engine puttering)

- [Mom] How did things
go with that girl?

- I'd rather not talk about it.

- [Mom] Why not?

- Because you're my mom.
You're gonna have an opinion.

- [Mom] I will not.

- Oh, yes, you will.

- No. There's nothing that
you can say that will get me.

- Nothing?
- Nothing.

All right, um, let's
see, the other night,

uh, when you were
out playing Mahjong,

I, um, I had sex for the
first time in five years.

Uh, and-
- And?

- Yes, and, and,
uh, she only did it,

for her own little game,
or I don't even know why,

she felt bad for
me, I'm not sure.

But, uh, it wasn't
about anything,

and she doesn't really dig me.

And.
- And?

- I'm, uh, moving out.

- Jamesy, I, I, I do
think you should move out.

You need to live your own life.

- All right. I'm so-- wow.

I'm shocked that
you'd even say that.

Okay, well.

So tomorrow I'm gonna go
look for an, an apartment.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- That's good. I think
I'll look for one too.

I hate it here.

- I thought I was gonna
be the one to move out.

- Well, couldn't
we both move out?

- Let's both move out.

- Get our own-

- We'll help each other
look for apartments.

- We'll get our own places.

- Yes.
- It'll be no trouble.

- And I'll have sex.

- All you want.

- [James] I have lived a
life of unhealthy choices.

- Elaborate.

- I'm an actor. How
healthy is that?

As, wait, hold on.

I'm not even an actor, okay?
I got fired from Second City.

- Being an actor isn't,
in itself, unhealthy.

- Okay.

I stand up on stage and I say,

"Hey, everybody, look
at me. Look at me.

I'm worthy and good.
Cheer me and applaud.

Hooray for me, the actor."

- Okay, I'll give you that one.

- Okay. Secondly.

I like 'em young and insane.

I do. Okay?

And someday I'd like to
be married and have kids,

and here I am some fat-ass,

by the way, that's the
third thing, I'm fat-assed.

- Look, I am married
to an old insane woman,

who, by the way, when we
met, was young and insane.

It's not so much who
you're attracted to,

but you do need to
lead a healthier life.

- You know what, I've
decided from now on

I want you to refer
to me as Kitten.

- You seem real comfortable
with yourself, but you're not.

- The magic of self-loathing.

- [Luca] I know it well.

- Hello, Luca. Hello, James.

- Hello, ladies.

- We're ready, Luca.
- Wonderful. So am I.

- So am I.

- I think we should
play canasta.

- As long as we have blackjack,

I don't care what else we use.

- That's okay too.
That's okay too.

- Casino night.
- Oh. Sounds like fun.

- Why don't you come?
We don't see you often.

- Oh, that's so nice
of you, Mrs. Schwartz.

Uh, maybe I will.
I'll consider it.

Okay. Nice to see you, ladies.

- Bye, ladies.

- I think she's got a thing
for you, that Mrs. Schwartz.

- Yeah, that's just what I
want now is elderly and insane.

- I'm just saying it's
there if you want it.

- It's there if I want it.

- Philip, don't forget, flyer
for the art fair, everybody.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm here to pick up Penelope.

- Oh, you've got
your official note.

- Mm-hmm.
- All right, sure.

Penelope, your uncle James is
here for you, hon. How are ya?

- I'm great. Much better
than the last time, uh.

- [Stella] Oh, good.
So you're good.

- I'm, uh, yeah, I'm
young and handsome.

- Yes, you are.

- That's right. You're,
uh, a chubby chaser.

(Stella laughs)

- Hi, uncle James.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Where's daddy?

- He had to work late,
so I thought I'd come

and get you and we'd have fun.

- [Penelope] Okay.

- Honey, where's your lunch box?

You better go fetch that, right?

- [Penelope] Oh.

- You don't wanna
leave that here.

Chubby chaser? I'm
a chubby chaser?

- Yeah. You know,
a chubby chaser.

- Who said that to you?

- That guidance lady.

The one you, uh, sent me to.

- Guidance lady?

- Yeah, you-

- She has, she does have a
name. Oh, Ms. Clark, yeah.

- Ms. Clark. The
guidance lady, yeah.

- I think it's Mr. Faye
is why it happened, why-

- Mr. Faye?

- Yeah, he was a
teacher that worked here

that was a little overweight,

and he didn't have any friends,
and I asked him to dinner.

He turned me down

and then he started
telling everybody

I had the hots for him, so.

- Wow.

- That's where it started. I'm
not chasing all the chubbies.

I would never deliberately
run after chubby men.

Not that there's anything
wrong with chubby men.

You know what I mean?

Fat guys can be a lot
of fun. Not fat guys.

I'm saying guys that eat a
lot more than other people,

and some of the weight stays
on their body inappropriately.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's good to see you here.

I've never seen you
pick up Penelope before.

I'm sorry. I get on
a rampage sometimes.

- Well, I thought
it'd be fun and, uh,

I love hanging out with her,
and I get to say hi to you.

- That's very nice.

- I didn't bring my lunch
box today. It was pizza day.

- No, it's not pizza day.

I think you did
bring your lunch box.

- It was pizza day.

- I thought you brought it.

I think I made just
an honest mistake.

Is what happened.
- Okay, um-

- I just thought
she could make sure

that she didn't bring it.
- Sure.

- (laughs) Yeah.

- Well, nice, uh,
seeing you again.

- Mm-hmm. Nice seeing you too.

- Should I take a
flyer? Bring a flyer?

- Yeah, you better or I'll
chase you out of here.

- (laughs) All right, uh, bye.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

- Come on, sweetie.
- Bye, cutie.

(traffic whooshing)

- You're gonna
die without a son.

- So I'll die without a son.

- Put on your blue suit, huh?

- Blue suit, gray suit.
I'm still a fat man.

A fat, ugly man.

- You no ugly.

- I'm ugly! I'm ugly!

I'm ugly!
- Marty.

- Leave me alone, Ma.

- It was pretty good.

- You know, I thought so too.

- What, you stole 3-D glasses?

- I didn't know they weren't
for, what do you wanna do?

- Um, I don't know.
What do you wanna do?

- Want to get something to eat?

- You know what, I wanna
get something to eat,

but I'm not gonna
get something to eat.

I, I'm not hungry

and so, if I'm not
hungry I'm not gonna eat.

No more bonus eating.

- Good for you.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Wanna watch me eat?

- What do you mean,
come watch you eat?

Why would I wanna come watch
you eat? You know what?

I'm gonna go see my mom. I
haven't seen her for a while.

- How's she doing?

- She's doing great.

I thought she'd freak
out after I moved out,

but you know what?

She's digging it.

- Good for her.

- Maybe she'll
come watch you eat.

- Hey, tell her I said hi.

- I'll tell her you said hi.

(gentle music)

- [Mom] So what are
you doing tonight?

- Ah, gonna stay home.

- [Mom] And do what?

- I don't know, watch
TV, watch Jackie Gleason.

- Oh, boy, that's a thrill.

- Jackie Gleason.

- Again with the Jackie Gleason.

(gentle music)

(sweet gentle music)

(gentle music)

(sweet gentle music)

(gentle music)

(bright upbeat music)

(bright upbeat music)

(bright upbeat music)

(bright upbeat music)

(bright upbeat music)