Original subtitles

[Music]

good evening ladies and gentlemen

welcome to the eddie griffin experience

ethelist casino live from sales club

show

your love and show your love for a

brother who brings laughter to your soul

into the masses of planet

years earth put your hands together

[Applause]

[Music]

get back up

[Applause]

[Music]

what's going on y'all

welcome welcome welcome to las vegas if

you just got here

it's the only city you can see dead

people walking down the street

you don't believe me take your ass out

on las vegas boulevard there's a

dead michael jackson out there still

moonwalking that was still got three

shows in this time

i seen y'all seen that transform out

there that asked me for

five dollars

i said turn into a car i'll

give you 100.

that was trying too hey

you really need a job dressing up like a

truck in this heat

you know when he leave the house or

something like daddy why are you

dressing up

like a truck do you like food

your daddy dumb that's all i know how to

do get my ties

they're so hot in this

town i seen the devil walking down the

street looking for ice water

said he going back to hell to cool off

it shouldn't be a fat

nowhere in this town

take your fat ass outside and feel

pulling grease around your head

hey what's your diet the sun

and crazy white people y'all

crazy

y'all the only ones being at these pools

are hunted and hell

they out there skin bubbling

sound like bacon

being them cabanas and we don't

pay for them either

see you know we gonna sit right in this

they come and kick us out

then that wages will come over would you

like a bottle of champagne not for no 3

000 goddamn dollars

but we're glad to ask you to leave i

didn't want to sit in this

no goddamn

i think we'll walk to another casino get

right back in another cabana

y'all be careful when y'all out here

they ain't building these casinos

because are winning

got quiet in this vegas you've got

some of your

huggers i don't know why y'all don't

figure it out when you land at mccann

airport they got that escalator going

down

be hyped on the rifle

we in vegas would like to kick it

like a

y'all better watch them going up

they be quiet purse empty wallet

dry

and my people we the loudest when we

check in casinos arriving

i'm invading i'm about to

get these

that's when them dudes and them black

suits be like we got one

you'll see that later on

that evening on that lonely couch

every casino got one they just got you

know it's over in the distance right by

the craft table they don't know

like shoe crabs

i call it the losing couch it

ain't got no back on it

they don't need one sit

there like this

be mumbling today's help i had it it was

in my hand i had it then

1500 it was mine i should have walked

when i had the chance

sisters don't let a brother leave clean

either you lose me like yeah

i told you black ass couldn't

shoot no craps

that was our house money i

lost the house

you don't have to sell so we can

get out this

can you see them old later

anybody wants some of this

now this is my 11th year doing shows out

here

in las vegas with my residency yeah yes

[Applause]

it's my 32nd year anniversary doing this

called stand up man

young's damn gay

being out here in this

there's a lot of holes here

vegas got a lot of holes man now when i

used to come here on the weekend before

i lived here man you know you come and

do a show you get your dick sucking make

some money you leave

now that i live here i know all the hoes

couple y'all in here

tonight

you know who you are the hoes all

the

they got big giant bags the young hoes

they work endos

see they got giant purchasy real women

you know y'all got respectable small

persons you know little makeup

you know probably a couple of tampons

you know it was that time of the month

you know hoes got giant bags now you can

spot them

they got three pad shoes in there four

five wigs

they'll go upstairs turn a trick

come down the redhead

and if y'all really want to see some

funny go to downtown las vegas

that's where the old hoes hang out they

still walk the stroll like it's 1972.

they out in the sun

and they laugh when you walk by me you

driving by eddie you see us over here

come on over here now go with a

nailed it make me suck your little

comedy dick

i said you got three teeth and

they don't look like they like each

other

wait till the fall out

come back and see your

y'all don't knock until you try it

they'll gum you down they can smooth

selling

hoes got regular knives too i live

out here you see hoes at grocery stores

out here

look you on all nine come out

with a titty hanging out i said if

i can put you titty up my son right here

you're making him hungry

yeah i was married to a

that was

whoo i'm on my fourth marriage you know

sammy

my first three wives was cool they good

but the third one

nickel that was crazy

i call it you ever had polio

polio was not a that got polio

the pussy's so good you should put your

dick in it that give you polio oh

god now

it's so good oh it felt good

that had me falling around i

couldn't go nowhere

where you going i'm right behind you you

even had

girl she's in your house

she go in the bathroom

you be outside the door you in

there dog

you've been in that too goddamn long

what is that done woman

i'm right in here taking a the

come out where you going i'm going

to the store i'm going with you

y'all remember i disappeared off the

scene for like two three years

that was that good

i couldn't leave cause you know

women

i think like your occupation you know if

you a doctor she gonna like a

doctor you know

just uh flex your gluteus maximus yo man

you crazy

crazy women

oh goddamn i sat

at that house my mama came

over she said baby ain't nobody seeing

you in about three years

i ain't seeing yourself mom she ain't

doing no movies no more you ain't doing

tv you ain't even touring that

what you're doing you're just underneath

this spanking nasty

she said she didn't put the roots on you

now i didn't know what the

the roots mean i don't remember what you

talking about the roots

i said did she make you some kind of

gravy or spaghetti i said every three

days

i didn't know this making me

period panty spaghetti

i'm sitting up in that brainwash

my mama said here to kill a you

make this a special clam chowder

all right yeah give her a

clam chowder

and get a pair of her panties and bare

him in the backyard well as y'all can

see i'm back to work

so if the ever happened to you you

know to kill him

when i was a kid you know they take you

on these field trips

i was like six seven years old they take

you to the zoo so we went to the monkey

exhibit and they wasn't doing monkey

they wasn't moving

so i started throwing rocks at

them i wanted to see them do mother

that monkey loaded up

five and it hit a right here and

it was hot

that's how i became funny two years of

kids don't give a

kids with me all the time hey

monkey ass

you better learn how to clown back hey

monkeys

yeah they full of but i think that

was god talking to me really

that's god's way of saying you the

i've been telling jokes so

wrong i used to do

this for free on the corner

yeah i never had to buy weed

he like get his little dogs like

he's gonna go all night

and i did too hey they mamas be

on the porch i told y'all eddie chrysler

look at him he can do anybody the boys

are mimicked i said what are you talking

about woman see that doing me

hey you gonna make it keep going baby

you keep going

i appreciate the out to my old

sisters man

only family members will come

outside that boy ain't gonna be

he's going to jail like his hunger

bucket

i'm in my head a principal told me i

wasn't gonna be you ain't

gonna never be

you're getting suspended you're always

clowning in clyde's you ain't

gonna be out of there

show you how god works i around i

become famous right

i go back home to kansas city missouri

i did a concert million theater

five thousand sleep sold the out

there was a line around the line around

the belt and if you can wrap your head

around that

i spotted this principal

in line to get a ticket

i told my limo driver slow down

oh i got bougie in the

slowdown

i'll roll the winner down

you ain't gonna never be

on with y'all's only

you don't tell no kid ain't gonna be

even if they ain't gonna be

now we own this election cycle again

all right

and trump

this trump untouchable

they did this mueller report what

did that take two three years

fbi can't get him see i ain't can't get

it this

god we need you you gonna have to

come down and get this orange

the sunny d is untouchable

and i don't like the democrats don't get

it twisted democrats to me and some

all they do is apologize

every day i want to apologize for 1972

biden apologizer for touching a bitch's

shoulder

now i want to know who this is

that a touch your shoulder

and you think you're getting raped

you ain't had dick ever

you should have thanked that man for the

shoulder massage

trump don't apologize for you got

to respect this gangster

you know that nuts be

dragging the grimes

leaving orange juice trails

trump did you grab a i'ma grab

another one tonight

i invited tiger woods over to the white

house and we can get some grabbing

together

i mean i'm gonna give him an award

trump don't give a that racist

i don't like this

man cause

he want all in jail or dead he

don't want

no mexicans in this country whatsoever

paco i'm here to tell you don't go

nowhere

stay we need you yeah

yeah they trying to turn back the clock

y'all

beware cause the trump show is just what

it's always been a reality show

that's just to keep your ass busy

he do so much every day it tires

you out

you wake up in the morning and he just

did some already

you go to work by the time you get home

what the did all after day

if obama did five of the things

this pulled off every day

they

hung that on national tv and

charged you to see it

you know how hard it was to be that

that clean this didn't

have one blemish

you know how hard it is for a

not to do something

i'm gonna up in about 15

minutes just keep watching

i'm from kansas city missouri

[Applause]

[Music]

yeah obama from chicago but if you

listen to white people he's from nigeria

or somewhere over there

uganda and baja

trump ass this

but it's all right y'all trying to

turn back the clock white people i'm

here to you

i ain't going i want you mother

white people in here to look around at

the sitting close to you

we ain't our father's father's father

you ain't gonna never hear yells

i'm going to hell in jail you pick which

[Applause]

one

for real though i couldn't have been no

slave man

master would have killed me in five

minutes

with this mouthpiece kill that damn

put that smart down

put him down he keeps talking he's

riling up the rest of them

put him down

cause they always say we come from

slaves we don't come for no

slaves we come from kings

and queens

you understand me they act like our

history started in roots

i seen roose i didn't like that

film man

in the movie they always had us picking

cotton in the hot sun singing like it's

a happy thing

lord jesus

jesus run

they gonna kill your ass anyway make a

run for it

took off everything fire

and you know back then when you

ran if they caught you they would cut

something off

i did it so many times i'd have been a

head and a torso

still trying to get away

they think they're gonna wire them

they're gonna get a little worm and

they're watermelon again

they gotta gang back they caught my ass

no arms no legs

hey what you gonna do eddie took your

arms and your legs i still got my dick

life is always good with the

i can still get some it's all

right with me

how you how you i tell the

pull me up in here

why they call you they call me pogo

stick

don't worry about it white folks your

time's coming

oh yeah if karma has any kind of

validity in reality and it does

the law of common says what what goes

around

i can't hear you what goes

around

sally scott jill

she's going down i'm telling you you're

gonna have a real good time when i on

you

i'm gonna treat you right bob jill i'm

gonna let you pick cockney tonight

that way your skin don't burn up i'm

only gonna beat you on thursdays at 7

30.

i got to do and it's going to be a

whole lot of light-skinned wash day day

prince looking kids on my

planet

uh sally you gonna

[Applause]

she gonna come out the barn every day

morning and wouldn't stop

sally what are you gonna do he you

every night

what are you gonna do about it i'm gonna

move in i love them

white people i don't think you couldn't

have been a slave

y'all too soft look he got that face

like whatever we could have did it

you can barely take five minutes let me

talk right now without turning

around

and let alone be your wife

all the black slave owners will be

on their push

yeah let them go no let all of them go

they ain't worth it down

i got a hundred white swags i ain't

got a bushel of cotton out these

all they do is lay on the ground and

burn up on you and all the time

then when you put them in the sun you

got to grease them down first

and then suntan lotion ain't cheap

these ain't cost effective

they're bad for business

i'll tell you what i'll sell you all 100

of my wife's legs

for one mexican chuck y'all one mexican

to pick like a thousand nicks

but they hard to catch yeah they go

underground on y'all been trying to

catch pacos for three years

i know he's down there with that gold

necklace on

i can hear him in the distance late at

night he hungs

y'all need this white people you don't

want to get rid of me

need ned white people need us i mean who

you gonna have to blame your ineptitude

on if i ain't here

hey white people need us so they can

point their finger why you ain't

that cause of

is only reason i ain't got

something and the mexicans have taken

all their jobs

i didn't know you want to leave blow how

the they taking your jobs

hey the mexicans ain't taking your jobs

the technology is

robots took everybody goddamn job you

used to have a factory job you work with

your hands now a robot can do that

they don't need us it ain't just you man

we're all unemployed

[Applause]

everybody's sick of a goddamn robot

you ain't got to do healthcare for

no robot

and i'm sick of these

saying black people are using up all the

healthcare no we ain't we only 12

percent of the population

and don't go to the hospital we

just sick

we can't afford it and we don't

trust doctors you go in the hospital

don't trust that

what's in the needle yeah they trying to

kill us i ain't taking

people are crazy man i don't preach i

teach

hell yeah you want a preacher you know

how to find them every sunday

you remember the they

came and shout out to black church

they can only pull that with black

people you know we catch on quick

you know i've been to a black church

lately they got guns in

church now

and black churches when everybody get in

there they lock the doors

you understand man got a

knock to get in church

uh i was trying to uh come and praise uh

christ that's when the behind the

door

no no we don't we don't praise christ

here we praise the lord

see this code where i see white people

say christ the

we going to see the lord

hell yeah white people been

killing up everybody what's going on

with y'all

just last week they tried to say it was

that brother that killed the

at the job

they ain't tricking me that

was dead already and they said he was a

shooter

cause they tired of the

story that the white man is killing

everybody

so they made the the shooter was

he already dead

you understand me and you know that

it was somebody white again

cause if i can think it they did

it

what's wrong oh no i'm making you my

white representative tonight

you shouldn't have sat that close

no i'm gonna with you i'll give a

here's a

what is wrong yo can y'all get fired

white people get fired and go kill

everybody to y'all

we're getting fired all the time

we don't go kill nobody

they come to us you're fired get my

checks

i ain't like this ass job no

goddamn way get my jack

are we going to send you check in the

mail no i'm leaving today

my money leaving what i need

give my check

be on the block later on hey what

happened that told me i'm

fired i cashed this got

some weed light it up

white people get fired they nice to

white people you know when they follow

us

fight good white people get fired

a whole different way of fine

ned oh god i don't even know how to tell

you this

oh i hate doing this man

i mean it's it's not me it's coming from

upstairs

i got to let you go now you got to

let me go

well that's some kind of joke

come on i've been working here 27

years

you're going to tell me i'm

fired because that's how i was

girls man i got a mortgage

i got a wife i got four kids and a dog

named peter you tell me i'm

fired

i'm fired i'm fine

that's right when they said no

they should not

run

you see that come to work

the next day shoot on briefcase

that's good hey ned

[Music]

never get shot on the job

when that go round

cause we aware of our surroundings that

ned come back

the next day

be on them a job ain't

that man

didn't they fire that

yesterday it's time to take a long

lunch

he'd be outside i told you

he's killing everybody white people

y'all just the opposite y'all too

nosy i think that's why y'all

got the pointy nose your noses

then come back the next day young

be that

god that's dead he looks distraught

man hard way to go come on let's go

try to cheer him up

when leave come with us

we know something we got street spider

senses

you know that's from being on the block

like they about to kill that

earl

we be at the club dancing

like a

all these about to shoot this

up we don't stop

dancing

i talk about you white people because of

care

they're trying to help you y'all do

that no other culture does

god damn it this is the uh way people

getting chewed up by shark season

i'm 52 years old all the years i've been

on this earth y'all keep getting chewed

up by sharks

when the y'all gonna learn why do

y'all go out that far

that's wedding yet

you ain't heard of a chewed up

nowhere on earth we go waist high

y'all seeing us at the beach splashing

around making it look like we're doing

some

fill some seaweed

[Laughter]

i joke around man love who you love you

understand me i see interracial couples

in here

and my you know you're with your

white woman tonight you're taking a

chance

that's all i'm saying know who you love

but you taking the chance

she got that phone call she can make man

all she got to do is 9-1-1 he's raping

me

you going to jail who do you think

they going to believe

i ain't around sally you're safe

with him

but love who you love man you know how

hard it is for y'all to be in the

interracial relationship

y'all was probably tortured on the way

in this room

cause be talking this

sister's cold look at that

with that white

couldn't handle us huh never hey go get

you a snow bunny neal

probably little dick we

didn't want your black ass no wait

leroy be walking with sally sally come

on they're gonna kill us

brothers we the same way we see a sister

with a white dude

we go the off get your money

get your money yeah you couldn't

handle that anaconda huh get your money

that's some rough you in a a

relationship that's you know white and

black leroy and charlie

sally you got it rough you better really

love leroy

cause that's the only you gonna

have cause white families kick

y'all out the family the white family's

cold get your ass out of this god damn

face

sally bringing that to my

goddamn huh

he ain't coming in here what am i

supposed to cook some fried

chicken i ain't cooking no fried

chicken

you're out of family you're out of

will get your good heart

ass

sally leave the house god damn leroy

you're all i have

leroy tried to take him to take her to

his mama house

you already know so listen you ain't

bringing that white in there

you ain't bringing that white in

my house leroy i told you better than

this

never what am i supposed to cook kitchen

i don't cook no goddamn fish

yo black ass out of here with that snow

buddy never you can't come in this

goddamn house till you get a with

cornrows

leroy lead house they're all i got sally

and they wandered the earth together

why you see them walk like that they all

alone

hell yeah the two most racist

on earth is a white man

and a black you woman stay at me

yeah white man don't give a sister

don't give a

the only cure for that kind of

relationship is when they have a baby

y'all had a baby yet you got two

see you're back in the family because

only the babies can cure that racism

you bring that baby over to that

sister's house

[Applause]

it's my grandbaby lord

he got that good hair

he got the skin the wind

sally come on in here girl i said

yeah i went on that food network i

learned how to make that quiche

come on in here you take them over that

redneck now

this is a goddamn grass huh

and then little got a permanent

tan

i mean look at the size of the balls on

this

wow look at how big his hands are we're

going to the nfl

[Applause]

[Music]

know who you love man my wife's

korean

i'm sleeping with the enemy i'm dating

kim yum yum's sister

look at sisters look at them like

what you doing with that korean chair

i was married to three of y'all y'all

had a chance yet

now i got 10 beautiful children

man thank you

[Applause]

looking at me like damn

don't judge my ability to

take care of my kids by your wallet

all ten of mine finding a

and most of them grown anyway you think

i just got my four youngers with me

the rest of the first crop i call them

first crop gone

you know my oldest is 33. my youngest is

5.

hell yeah i got my first grandson and he

fired

[Music]

they go to school together

only in the black family and you know

the greatest joy of my life

outside of seeing smiles on your face

doing this job that i love to do

is watching my youngest son and my

grandson hang out

you know i tour on the weekends man so

sunday's all day y'all called junior up

junior bring my grandson over man

so they sitting there i'm trying to

teach them how to shoot pool

you know can't see the missouri you know

there's a lot of pool houses we shoot

pool back home so i'm like

you got to get the angle of the dangle

they ain't paying no attention to

me just listen to them two little

talking killing me

hey nephew come here let me highlight

you

your teacher came and talked to me again

today

yeah cause i'm your uncle she told me

that you on yourself again

no no no i was out of pull ups at

age two

you know you're making the griffin

family look bad on yourself

man and that little asian chick in the

corner with the wooden blocks with the

little letters on it

that's me back up my

grandson

yeah huh if she was yours she wouldn't

be hollering

i said look at this little player hey my

grandson is half mexican

half black yeah my son married a mexican

lady i call him my little mexi

when he come by i'm making tacos with

collard greens

burritos with mac and cheese in it you

know just so he get both sides of his

culture

and he'd be trying to teach me spanish

you know he called me pop-pop pop-pop

cause he used to say granddad i'm like

hey i ain't that old

i look too good to be grinning wait till

i get old ragley

i say this paw paw like papa he said

papa que pasa

i said no that's at your mama house

it's what up over here try that

what up

my oldest daughter just turned 17.

hey yeah it's that season i just

bought two more guns

cause this is when the little ignite

start coming by trying to

take them on dates

and then act like we don't

remember being them

young man come to the door

hey uh mr griffin

how you doing man man i really like you

an undercover brother man that was my

joint man

and i was wondering if i could check

your daughter out to me now

the one i really don't trust he's too

nice when they're too nice this is the

freak

you know the comes hello mr

griffin

i was wondering if i could acquire your

daughter's hand and going

i said get the away from

mother he said no really i

love to take her to the movies i said

what movie you talking about seeing

this told me the title dude

i was like well i'm in the writer's

guild screen actors guild

the records guild they send the movies

for me to screen them so i could vote on

who should get the award

i just happened to have that movie come

on in i brought that inside him on

the couch

i said y'all want some popcorn i wasn't

in the kitchen you know don't microwave

one minute 25 seconds threw it on the

table and gave both of them a coke

i sat right between them

yeah we're gonna watch this movie my

daughter like you can't shut the up

you kidding me i said shut the up i

said so uh yeah what's your name little

fellow

yeah hey hey check it out

what's your intentions young man well

you act like i didn't used to be your

age

hey you thought you was gonna get my

daughter in that dark movie theater

and go oh

and didn't run to school the next day

hey man smell my finger

that left my house i ain't seen

any sense

my daughter's still mad at me get on my

nerves you always doing so shut the

up

out of here you ain't

around my house

you finishing a four-year university i

already paid the

give a you can stay mad goddammit

sure

i ain't your friend i'm

your father

all right hey you wanna run away run on

i got nine more i ain't gonna

i love my daughters to death man you

know what i mean but they the hardest to

deal with you know

first i had all boys that's just easy

you know i've been a boy take the

trash out

dude take yourself okay trash

i can't touch my daughters man any other

man in here like that when you can't

that's my little queen my little

princess man all they got to do is back

to my eyes at me

here take everything then i have to go

to my wife hey baby uh

i need you to go get my money back

you got to work as a team let's go get

it go get it i hear my wife in the room

give me that goddamn money what i tell

you about working that

that's my money god damn

it i'm sucking the comedy dick

my wife come back in the bedroom

like 15 minutes go by she ain't told me

about my money

i said uh baby you want to bring up the

the money

uh what you listening i said yeah my

money

no i said i sucked the comedy dick

it's my money i couldn't say

geez you took the money put it in your

mouth

well yeah like i said i'm 52.

i need some head

you know i mean we don't like we

used to i'm be honest when i see

the older man here now hey come on be

quiet now

speak with yourself see you on a 50

your dick dies

sometimes you can feel it you all right

and he'll look up at you

you try to jack him off like when you

use the teenager come on man come back

leave me alone

just freak i'm tired i'm tired

years i'm a soldier that's why i

got a helmet

i stay in the trenches back and

forth in and out

we ain't got no more bullets left i'm

shooting now eddie

look at that

leave me alone leave me alone put me

back in the drawers

then you take one of them cialis

reporting for duty sir

[Applause]

now i just tell my wife you know i'll be

honest with you i'm like you know

i need a jump start

you getting rid of that you over

50 baby i need a jump start you get a

[Applause]

don't laugh ladies i see y'all

y'all dying right

now

the old dies dies

it's beat up his whole

life

gravity don't give a it pulls

on them lips

this getting longer as

it looks like that extra bologna

meat on the side of the bread

don't nobody want no they gotta

roll up to get

look at what you're doing i'm rolling

this up so i can hit it

how many of y'all have a woman

on the pitch i don't y'all lying

ass

now y'all gonna be in the sls

you're a lying ain't no man

gonna wait no goddamn week on no

that's why every household got that old

raggedy towel

lay that towel down so we don't

these sheets up

hey that's the only time a little dick

probably feel like he did

something

like blood everywhere it's a crime

scene

get the forensics

yeah yeah that guy ain't saying i got

the biggest dick on earth

but i get return visits

look for you you ain't seen her in

a long time

you did something the last time if you

don't get a return visit you can't

and women talk if you got a little dick

your whole block no

all women can't help themselves you

wouldn't be walking down the street

uh-huh that talked all that

eddie

showed up with his little brother's dick

the whipped his dick out i threw

baby powder on it

[Applause]

if i had a little dick i would kill

myself

no god give me all this talent

and and opportunity and no

dick

just kill yourself yo show up

well that's all you got

i kill myself yeah yeah

that's why i got 10 kids i be deep

up in them i make the furniture move

all up in the chest hey if you can't

have kids it's cause your dick is small

you dropping the sperm off so far away

from the egg

they die before they ever get this

how deep is this we've been

swimming for

for months some of them never get

in there little fake

bust on the outside they be swimming

around the lips

i dropped mine off right at the egg they

come out thanks for the ride get you

ready

hell again if y'all don't

remember a thing i said

tonight please remember this

you're born a winner everybody in this

room is a winner

you understand me when our fathers

busted a nut

every time we busted nut there's

billions of sperm

only one can make it to the egg we all

made it there first

you born the winner stop letting

the world teach your ass how to lose

when we got to that egg you must

have nothing wow i got this

you getting the egg i'm in this

i won i'm coming i'm

coming

the sperm that don't make it man that's

up

i've been next to you for five

years and this left nut never

come on let another in we could be

twins

too late i'm already mutated

pop now what we gonna do this old

arrogant ain't letting

nobody else in selfish ass

you ain't gonna be you're

gonna work at mcdonald's with a paper

hat

i had doctor in me papa what we

gonna do

junior this ain't gonna go good for us

we're gonna have to swim back the way we

can

we're gonna end up in that bitch's

spanish

and they're gonna call us a discharge

then we're going to dry out it's going

to be a crunchy crouch

[Applause]

that going to be looking for

something in the dirty clothes and come

across the crunchy crouch

he's going to be intrigued he's gonna

squeeze us we're gonna flake off like

snowflakes

now that's if we ain't a good honest

woman what if he busted nothing we end

up in a nasty stinky

we swim back the way we came and another

nigga's eating a

we end up in this throat

i don't want to be in those other

i'll take the crunchy panties every day

hey julian you want to do me a favor

swim up ahead and seal the closest club

what y'all thought y'all was just gonna

see comedy tonight i got magic in my

show

i got a magical hand to show up

with this look at my wife in here i want

a hand

i used to have whole you it

up

oh hey you going over there

and you replace me y'all need to try

this drink too

i was called to eddie griffin is

champagne mixed with a shot of patron

oh i know y'all didn't think i'd be

getting this up just on champagne

it's that patron that don't leave you

alone get off in your dome and make you

miss your home

that's why i be sipping these

cause patrons don't give a

strong hair your ass stuck nah there's

gonna be some hard in here talking

give me 17

whatever that little had y'all

going to see that later at the

club

patron have your body talk to herself

ledge how we doing

i wouldn't take another step about you

you're gonna bust your head

that's why i locked up i locked up

hey lungs we need air eyes i can't see

is huh huh hot okay it's all over

nick how you doing i already pissed all

over the shoes

well you ever been so up

you throw up in your own hat i had one

nipple nice

that was a y'all remember the

called sherm

we call them wet daddies back home so

this is partner mine

junebug he was a

neighborhood dope fan and one night he

came back

with a little joint you know i smoked

weed but i didn't know what the

that was stunk

and i hit that thinking

this regular weed i hit it hit it

hit it hit it that shine make you heat

up

i started taking everything off

i'm running down the street

naked with just my hat on they

said

i jumped over over to the i-70 freeway

and was pissing on cars coming by so

they called my first wife calling

carla come and get eddie this

up so carter pulled up we had

this buick laser

she pulled up what is wrong with

you what did they give you i don't know

baby but

i'm at work she said huh i said i got to

wash the cars

i got a restaurant

she said get your ass in the goddamn car

i sat in the back seat cause i

always wanted to be famous

so i made him feel like a limo driver i

got in the backseat

i'm back there up i

don't know what it is when we hire

but ladies this is the only time we can

tell y'all how we really love you

you know we sober you like baby do you

love him what the hell are you talking

about

baby do you love me there's a food

refrigerator

is the lights home what the you ask

me stupid

when we up man

man when y'all hear that you already

know y'all getting ready to get your

sense babe

man i love you man

i love you man i don't i i love you

i love you you take care of me when i

don't take care of me

i love you but i know you got a big

booty

i married your booty baby i made your

booty

and i did

i ain't never getting that up

again i threw up in my

hat

start bubbling and put that

back on

i woke up the next morning had all

kind of corn and in the fro

it took two days to get that out

and you know what me up

every time you throw up why is there

corn

i ain't had corn since last july

where the the coin keep coming from

you take a there's corn it's like

corn just hanging out in your

tests i'll leave when i want to leave

ladies don't get it twisted though we

love you like a

whoever wrote this statement was real

honest man can't live with you

can't live without you living with you

is a

y'all will find a way to

up a relationship when it's right

at its best

y'all man i don't know why y'all do it

it's autopilot things are too good

i must it up you know what i'm

saying this is when you finally like

damn i love my wife man look at

my beautiful children

look at that house we

doing this

we need to talk about what

see that's what i'm talking about you

don't even know what i want to talk

about

why do y'all play that riddle me

what the you want to say

ain't no goddamn psychic you didn't

notice i did my head your hair

this is what we talking about i didn't

notice you did your hair

you did it you like it

you gonna up this relationship with

that all right let's play

this game

you didn't notice i got a new gray hair

on my left nut

now we both didn't notice some

[Laughter]

that's when they ran out the room

buy the game on

ladies we love you but we need your help

you understand me i think that we need a

female president myself

real child yeah i mean

cause america's up right now you

know mother was talking about man it's

the greatest country on earth no we not

we steal kids from their parents

down at our and butter in

the south we kidnapped

kids

that ain't nothing to be proud of this

this nation ain't great it's like being

an alcoholic you can't

cure yourself till you admit you

up as long as we keep running around

lying to ourselves marriage buried the

country on earth no we

up

and we got to fix this it needs a

mother and spirit

cause me and we got testosterone all we

gonna do is look at how big my dick is

blow the up ha ha

we need a female up in there to caress

this nation raise this

up and turn it back into a

family

[Applause]

but once a goddamn month we gonna have

to take the missile codes from her

yeah that pms that get the

ghost blow up everybody

cause women y'all bad

y'all can work

while you're on your period you know

damn you're on your period for a week

you don't die you got the string hanging

and still go to work going to work

that's because men are in charge you

understand i believe every woman should

get that week off when they're on their

period

weak pain you understand me cause

you don't want that at the job

anyway

that fish coming to work what y'all

looking at what the are your eyes

baby just going home just go home

that's why it's called pms pain

misery and

if men had periods watch how quick that

law would pass

if we had periods because we got

testosterone it'd be a whole different

trip

be walking around looking i'm on

my parents

what's wrong with you i got blood

coming out my dick

i gotta wear this cotton sleeve with the

twisty top

move my beard and it'd be a

period walk women would know that

on the spirit look at the wall

everybody be sounding like bernie mac

what the you looking at

look at that

come on

y'all know when you're on your period

y'all still go to a club then they'll

meet in the bathroom

girl you got a i i ran out

you know said like that

here you go girl one size fit off

we had pigs be in the

bathroom hey hey my

you got an extra sleeve on you here you

go

what do you do with this little bitty

i need the junk bowls

i'm wearing white i got to go this

about the show

[Laughter]

i went back home to kansas city a few

weeks ago

so my uncle james has got fourth stage

cancer

so he called me up and uh he said

eddie uh

they told me you know i don't know how

much uh time i got left

and uh you're my favorite nephew i want

you to come back you know

so i want to be able to tell all the

well not everybody in the family just

the ones i

love i just want to be able to tell all

of y'all to

kiss my black ass one last time

i said i'd be honored to come back and

let you

tell me to kiss your black ass one last

time so i grabbed it up to cousins

and family from

l.a and out here in vegas we flew

back home

we had james house james had a

table set up

with every liquor you could think of

weed all kind of i said

he said you ain't got to bring

i'm dying i sold the house we

gonna drink up the crib tonight

we sitting there getting drunk and

and

look those have been fans of mine for a

while remember dysfunctional family

y'all met my

uncles curtis james bucky and my mama

right

so they all sitting around now our

generation

listen to these talk

they were sitting there with one of

them's wives and they could talk about

yeah we all up

i think james was the first one to

with you james

no bucky's buffy got it first and

then uh curtis hit it

and she right there saying yep yep uh it

was you

james i you first uh bucky loved

ass at dancing i had

to give him some

and i gave uh uh uh curtis some big old

horse dick i didn't go back there

no more

but i stayed with you james cause you

had the right stroke me and my

brother my cousin was sitting there

we ain't gonna have no stories to match

this with our little youngest

when we the old sitting

around playing big wheels

hey baby bro yeah yeah they should

remember that time i didn't your

wife

you remember that time you didn't

none of mine born ass

but he had a good time he sitting

there he got up and drunk

and then the went to the hospital

and they told him he's got at least 17

more years

this dropped the house up

this ain't gonna be homeless for 17

years

i ain't gonna let the go home and

i bought the house back

[Applause]

you such a great dad with your kids

you didn't have a father i said

i made a promise i'm gonna be the

father that i always wanted i know

that's right

it's easy to do as a kid you know

what you want a father to do well

that's what i'm doing for mine

young man we gonna go play catch

all right let's knuckle up

tighten that jab up twist it twist

it yummy

drop that hook on him you know

just basic

take the trash out little

you give your son a football he'll play

with that same football until he make it

to the pros making money playing

football

you buy your daughter a barbie dog that

needs a kendo

now they need friends now you need an

apartment now they need a car now they

need some clothes and this

going for 18 years they'll break

your ass

why you thinking a buffalo father so

happy to give his daughter away the

wedding

uh is your problem now i hope you

got a good job that little broke

me

and god made sure they can't come back

because

you get married your last name changed

she tried to come back

daddy she was wondering if you could

help us on the light bill

he just lost his job i told you the

wasn't when you brought me by

the house

but no you were so loved let's see if

love will turn them lights back on

i only take ed griffin's using williams

now

[Applause]

all right let me get out of here y'all

got to go cause i got another show in

september

it take a minute to get ready for this

look at here y'all y'all been wonderful

i'm eg

gc god's child one time for your mind

and never let a hater rent a

moment of time

in your mind take the lord with you

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Music]

sitting today

[Music]