All language subtitles for Tracey Ullmans Show s03e06.eg

♪ When I was small
I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up
and did it again ♪

♪ And basically
I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it
till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my
Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show,
let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman,
Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey,
Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

Hello, Philip.

Won't be a moment, dear,
just deletin' some porn.

- What?
- It's a joke.

One of my joke thingies.
Remember I made one once before?

Ohh. Yes.

So, how was your cross-party
sleaze meeting?

Me, Jeremy Corbyn,
and Vince Cable in a room together.

- What do you think?
- Didn't go well, then?

No, on the contrary,
we made serious progress.

If we can just get
the whole of Westminster

to be as utterly devoid
of sexual tension as that room,

job done.

Narrator:
The game for women in Parliament of all ages.

It's Guess Who's Next?

Test your deductive skills
as you try to work out

which of your colleagues
will be disgraced next!

Is it...
a white middle-class man?

Yes.

It's fun for all the family--

except for unaccompanied women.

- Does he have a wife?
- Yeah.

- Does he care?
- No.

Is it...
( whispering )

No, but I can see
why you'd think that.

Is it... (whispers)

Yes. Yes, it is.

Yeah. That's pretty much
what I'd heard.

Guess Who's Next?

The game you can keep playing

until the culture changes!

OK, it is time
for the video chatten.

Ah, ja. You know
who I should call? Emmanuel Macron.

Very important
German-Franco issues to cover.

It's very pressing.

But mein Chancellorette,

you have Skyped him
five times this morning.

Well, we have
much to discuss.

And his eye for
the mature sex machine

is of no relevance,
Birgit-- none.

You know who
you must sprechen Sie with,

and you can't put it off
one minuten longer.

No! I don't want to talk
to Herr Trump!

He hates me,
and I hate him more!

And not like you see
in the Rommen-Kommen just before they start kissing.

But you must, or you know
who he will meet with first for the trade talks.

Oh, that Theresa May,
she will stop at nothing to do the leapen-froggen.

His hand is not the only thing
she's willing to hold.

( laughs )

- Hmm. Ja.
- Hmm.

All right, fire up the Wi-Fi.
I'm ready.

( speed dialing )

Hey, look!
It's the German lady.

I met her before, right?

She's like a three?
Two-and-a-half?

Hello, Angela.

I can see you
through the computer.

I'm very happy to see you,
Mr. President.

Sure, that's great.

And I'm a big fan of Germany.

Can you believe our countries
were once at war? So sad.

And if I had been president,
it wouldn't have happened.

I would have played golf
with Hitler

and figured it out.

No war. Everyone says that.

Yes, I am sure, Mr. President.

But I would like
to talk about trade.

Good. Pitch it,
but keep it short.

I got Jared coming in.

I like Jared.
Do you like Jared?

- Or did I fire Jared?
- Aide: You like Jared, sir.

Great. I love Jared.
Jared good.

Ja. Well, I'd like to
talk about agriculture.

- Uh-huh.
- We would like amendments

concerning regulations 29A

and 31C.

You have lost him.

Look. He has
minimized your window.

You must get him back
before he golfs.

He could start golfing
at any moment.

Where's my clubs?
Where's my clubs?

Birgit, it's time for Plan B.

- Are you sure?
- Ja. Do it.

( gargles )
What do you think of that sound?

I have brought your strudel,
Frau Merkel.

Ja. Put it here.

( coughing )

Boobies.
( clears throat )

Tits! Tits!

Pussy!

Who is that? Oh. Wow.

We are back to full screen,
thank God.

Who is that?
Steve Bannon was right,

the Germans really are
superior.

This is my special
trade envoy, Helga.

Oh, Helga, I would like
some more cream on my strudel.

Please will you be
squirting the extra cream?

What do you want?

We'll get your
special trade envoy--

and you, I guess--
over to Washington

for big trade talks.

You can stay at the Trump
International Hotel,

I'll get you a great deal,
full price,

you just
overtook Britain.

- G'bye.
- Merkel: It's over.

Well done,
mein Chancellorette.

Now, as a special treat,
I have organized

a five-minute Skype call
with Justin Trudeau.

Ooh, you are the besten Freund!

Helga:
Shall I stay for that?

I have a degree in economics
from the University of Stuttgart.

Uh, no, no. Go. Go.

Oh, but leave the cream.
Ja. Leave this cream.

Hey, guys!
Welcome to the show.

You've all heard about Fortnite,

the game young people
can't seem to get enough of.

Well, some viewers
have contacted me,

saying they're worried
about their loved ones becoming addicted.

Put them off forever
with the hardest,

most impossible-to-win version
of Fortnite yet--

Fortnite Battle Brexit.

Man 1:
I'm gonna be David Davis.

Man 2:
I'll be Liam Fox.

You start out as one big team,

then slowly turn on each other.

It's just like being
in the Cabinet.

OK, I've jumped
from the Battle Bus,

but I haven't
got a parachute. What do I do?

I've got absolutely no idea.
What are our objectives?

God knows.
It's total chaos.

Oh, God, an army
of Michel Barniers.

What weapons
do you have?

I'm checking...

Ohh. Too late.
I'm covered in red tape.

It might feel like
you're getting somewhere,

but not for long.

Why can't I find
any trade deals?

I was told there were
trade deals in this building.

I can't make any progress.
Philip Hammond's in the way.

Move. Move!

I can't! It seems to be
his default setting!

And there's always
a ticking clock

in the corner of the screen.

You must finish by
29th of March, 2019.

- We're running out of time!
- This is impossible.

So yeah, I'd recommend
Fortnight Battle Brexit.

Ahh. This is doing my nuts in.
Forget this.

I'm gonna go write that essay
I've been meaning to do for the past five weeks.

Yeah, and I've just remembered
I've got a girlfriend.

- ( text alert )
- Oh. No, I don't.

From Epic Fail Games.

Thank you so much

for squeezing me in
for a fitting, Antonio.

Mwah! You're so welcome.

You must be thrilled
to be nominated for Best Actress.

I am. Once I hit a certain age,
the work dried up.

But now, everyone
is so desperate not to appear sexist

that I'm getting employed again.

So I was thinking
about a black dress for the ceremony,

because that's what
everybody's wearing right now, right?

Oh, God, no!
You're so behind!

Everyone is wearing red
this month.

Or green, to show
you care for the environment.

Uh, I'm not sure.

Oh, or purple,

to celebrate 100 years
of the suffragettes.

Or tiger print,
for Save the Tigers.

These just aren't my colors.

Darling, being on
the right side of history

is more important
than looking good.

Though you must also
look really good.

So how about, like,
a plunging neckline

and a high slit for the leg?

Oh, God no! Boob and leg
is giving in to the male gaze.

Although, hold on--
it might be empowering.

Let me take a look.

Do you want to look sexy
or be taken seriously?

- Can't I be both?
- Ha ha ha ha!

What a lovely thought!

Now, some actresses
are wearing suits instead of dresses

to show support
for gender fluidity,

so we could work that in.

And we'll have short sleeves
to show off your tattoo.

I don't have a tattoo.

You will have a tattoo,

showing you're
right behind Me Too with a #MeToo Too tattoo.

OK. What about my hair?

Up? Down?

Well, "Vogue" says it's hair up
for free childcare on film sets,

but "Vanity Fair" says
it's hair down for equal pay, so...

Ohh. This is ridiculous.

No, this is important.

It's all about handing power
back to women.

But if you get it wrong,
they'll tear you apart! So, what's your speech?

Oh, well, I'm just gonna say
"Thank you for giving me this job,"

and thank my husband
and my children...

No, no, no, no.
You're being given a platform.

You have to represent
all women.

You need to talk about
a political issue.

Well, I really care

about human trafficking.

No. Helen Mirren's
got that one.

I'm passionate
about poverty in Africa.

So is Emma Thompson.

- Arts funding?
- Lupita Nyong'o.

Then what the hell am I gonna
make an impassioned, dramatic, overly earnest speech about?

( applauding )

( cheers, applause )

- Thank you so much.
- ( woman shouts )

And may I take
this opportunity

to bring your attention
to an important cause

that is very close to my heart.

- Man: Yeah!
- Toblerones are getting smaller.

- So small!
- But they are still the same price.

- Toblerone sucks!
- This cannot be allowed to continue.

( thunderous applause )

You're watching BBC News
with me, Simone Fredericks,

and the time is 20 minutes
past dollar sign,

I think that says.

I'm sorry,
my eyes have nodded off.

The CEO of Qatar Airways
has apologized

for saying that only a man
could do his job.

( laughs )
What job is that?

Making sexist generalizations?

You're right.
Only a man could do that.

Oh, no! Look!

I can do it too!

( birds chirping )

( clock chimes )

Christ, it's early.

Ohh, what a bloody nuisance

having to let rooms out
on Airbnb.

But Charles said that
the wedding cost a few guineas more than expected,

so now he's got me on
a tight financial rein.

Would anyone like breakfast?

Yes, please.

There you are, my darlings.

Ooh! ( laughing )

What, you too? Bloody hell.

- Toast?
- Yes, please.

You see, the trouble
with his organic shit

is that it goes moldy.

Still, it's probably
good for you.

Ahh! Oof.

What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.

Now, would you like
anything to drink?

- Yes, please.
- Gin or vodka?

Um, coffee?

Christ, one of those
health nuts.

How do you take it?
Gin or vodka?

- Milk?
- Well, it's out there in the cow.

Do help yourself.

Just pull
the bit at the bottom.

- Sugar?
- One, please.

There we go, there we go.

( clicking tongue )
City boy. City boy.

( imitates milking a cow )

Well, I trust you'll give us
a good review.

I think it's important
to be honest.

But I think it is equally
important not to commit treason.

( cheerful TV theme playing )

Morning, Mr. Nookie.
That's a nice, juicy pear.

I was just thinking
the same thing. Ha ha!

( cackles ) Filthy.

- Morning, Nurse Baps.
- Morning, Dr. Willy.

So, Mr. Nookie,
is it swollen this morning?

It is now. Ha ha ha!

Oh! Cheeky!

Uh, sorry,
I can't do this.

I really can't
take it anymore.

Just done a triple shift.

Um, I mean, uh,

I've been up
for 48 hours.

I bet that's sore.

- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!

But, no, in all seriousness,

we are just so under-resourced.

We've got more managers
than we do medical staff.

- Talk about top heavy!
- I'll say!

- Ha ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha ha!

Come along, Doctor,
get a grip.

You've got
a massive backlog.

That's just the way
he's standing. Ha ha ha!

Right, then.

Came in with acute sinusitis,

then contracted MRSA.

Oh. He's all stiff.

Sounds promising.

No, I mean he's dead.

Oh, not another one.

I love looking after people,

but it's getting so hard.

- Fwahh!
- No, the NHS is on the brink.

We need 50 billion by 2030,

all the foreign nurses
are leaving because of

the government's
hostile environment,

and we do not have enough beds.

Well, I don't mind
doubling up! Ha ha ha!

A man in your condition

shouldn't be gettin'
so much excitement.

- ( pager beeping )
- Oh.

Ah, Mr. Nookie, bad news.
I'm afraid your operation's been canceled.

- What?!
- It's just a routine NHS operation,

and our NHS routine
is to cancel them.

Oh, not again!

Ohh! Ohh! My ticker!
Nurse, do something!

I am! I'm moving
to Australia!

They're crying out
for nurses down there, and the pay's double.

Doctor:
What? You can't just leave

on the promise of better pay
and conditions and--

Actually, hold up.
I'm coming too.

You can't go down under
without asking first!

Hey, don't leave me!
I've got acute angina!

A cute-- A cute angina?

Ha ha ha ha--
Oh, forget it.

Excuse me.
I'm Dr. Michael Townsend, British Heritage.

I'm Lady Yaxley,
chair of the Public Statues Review Commission.

- Very, very nice to meet you.
- What exactly is going on here?

Well, quite simply,
we're going to blow up Nelson's Column.

- What?!
- No doubt you've heard about

all the hooha in America
with the Confederate statues?

And the Cecil Rhodes in Oxford?

Well, the government
is super keen to avoid offending anyone right now,

so they've asked me
to have a gander at all the statues in Britain

and work out which one
is going to cause the next big stink.

- But Nelson's Column?
- Because of the Admiral's links to the slave trade.

That's just political
posturing, surely.

Nevertheless,
we think it's best to err on the safe side

- and blow it up.
- You can't do that!

He was a great
naval tactician! Died a hero's death!

I mean, he was also
a strong supporter of the slave trade,

but then this statue
doesn't celebrate his support of the slave trade.

Though it could be seen
as condoning it, so...

- It's a very
complicated question. - Exactly.

And what very complicated
questions need

are very simple answers.

I think we've dodged
a bullet there. On we go!

Man over microphone:
One two, one two, Labour Live.

- Afternoon, Jeremy.
- Oh! Hello, John.

Bloody hell, this place
is absolutely huge.

Everything ready
for tomorrow, then?

Y-Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

Can't believe
it's finally happening. "Labour Live."

The most significant
socialist symposium in the 21st century.

- ( rock music playing )
- Uhh-huhh.

That is what this
is gonna be, isn't it?

A serious forum
for debating affirmative action

and the dismantling of
the neoliberal consensus?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

- ( music stops )
- Good, because it could easily have become

some sort of superficial,
sycophantic cult of Corbyn type of thing.

And we wouldn't want that,
would we?

John! Have you seen
this lighting we're--

It's a smashing bit of kit,
isn't it?

This is the lineup, is it?

Can't say I've heard of
any of the musical acts.

Pretty gig acts there, John.
We've got the Magic Numbers,

you got Ray Morris,
you've got Jermaine Jackman.

- Jermaine Jackson?
- No, no,

Jermaine Jackman,
who's won "The Voice," John.

Who is Kate Osamor?

Well, it says here
she's Shadow Secretary of State

for International Development.

( snuffling )

Jeremy, hi.
I just wanted to check

that you're happy with
everything we're putting in the VIP goody bags.

VIP?

Very Important
Proletariat, John.

Got an "I Heart Jeremy"
bumper sticker,

a "Jez We Can" mug,

and a "Keep Calm and Corbyn On"
T-shirt.

Very good, yeah.
Groovy.

Look, it's just
a bit of merchandise!

You've gotta give the people
what they want, John.

When it comes
to the event itself,

there will be...

a relentless focus

on our agenda
for radical change!

- OK?
- OK.

- The workers.
- The workers.

Stagehand:
OK, let it go running!

Well, they've gotta be able
to see it at the back.

Seriously? Eros?

Otherwise known as
the Angel of Christian Charity?

Or, to look at it another way,
it depicts a semi-naked figure

rampaging around
Piccadilly Circus

shooting people
with a bow and arrow.

Right.

( explosion )

Right. ( chuckles )
What's next?

Paddington Bear's statue.

- Paddington Bear?
- Illegal immigrant.

Excuse me.
Are you a homosexual

who's recently graduated
from Cambridge?

For years, this is how
we used to recruit people for MI6.

But not any longer.

Now MI6 is subject

to the same diversity targets
as everywhere else,

which is why we're looking
for people like you.

Have you ever considered
joining MI6?

Oh yes, I've seen
the adverts on TV looking for mums.

But that's just
a box-ticking exercise, isn't it?

No-- Well, it was initially,

but it turns out older women
make ideal spies.

It's true. The main job
of a spy is to go unnoticed,

and who's more invisible
in modern society

than a woman over the age of 37?
Especially mums.

When you're struggling
to get a pram up some stairs

or dealing with
a tantrum in Aldi,

it's like you don't exist.

Join us, and you'll be
infiltrating foreign embassies

like they're
your local Costa Coffee.

Breached servers
at midnight.

Mid-night.

Not now, Finton.
Mummy's spying.

Come on.

( Russian accent )
Who was that?

I don't know.
Someone's mum or something.

So if you're sick
of being ignored,

interrupted, and talked over,

why not choose a career

where it's finally
a good thing?

- Join MI--
- Join MI6 today.

Because you matter to us.

Oh, God, Linda!
Are you still there?

Camilla Parker Bowles:
Hello, sexy bun, it's Camilla.

- Can you see me?
- ( tires screech )

Well, hold it a bit lower,

I can only see your bald spot.

Ah! That's better.

What do you mean, bad news?

Don't worry, I sorted it.

I took all your
investment paperwork

down to the hunt kennels.

Hounds have shredded
the bally lot.

What other thing?

Not another bloody
Diana tape?

Ohh. Last year they found an
unseen clip where she sneezed,

and they built a 90-minute
documentary around it.

What, then? Ohh!

Royal Variety Performance?
No bally way!

We went last year!

It's someone else's turn.

Does Edward still exist?

What about Harry and Meghan?

What do you mean
she's on a group fast?

I mean, I've opened fetes
with chronic thrush

and a three-bottle hangover.

You just have to get on with it.

- ( siren wails )
- Ooop. Hang on.

About bloody time.

We've had reports
that you're driving erratically.

Well, of course
I'm driving erratically.

I'm FacetTiming hubby,
I've got a sleeping dog in the foot well,

and I'm trying to get
through this traffic

in time to watch
"Homes Under the Hammer."

- Police escort?
- Ohh.

I should think so too.

Woman:
It's been a tricky couple of years for us pollsters.

We said there'd be
a hung Parliament in 2015,

we called Brexit wrong,

and none of us saw
Boaty McBoatface coming,

so we completely overhauled
our canvassing system

and recalibrated
our algorithms

to make sure we got
this election dead right.

- Woman: And did you?
- No.

We got it wrong,
but in a very different way.

Still, the fact is,
we were all miles off,

apart from the exit poll people,

but that's basically
cheating, isn't it?

- So what went wrong?
- It may have something to do

with changing demographics,
but we also suspect

that basically,
the British public have been screwing with us--

lying about
their voting intentions to make us look silly.

If the general election
were tomorrow,

who here would
vote Conservative?

Right, and who
would vote Labour?

You see what we're up against.

Essentially, none of
the traditional polling methods work anymore.

So with another election
probably just around the corner,

we've been working on

some rather more reliable
prediction techniques.

Roger here
is really onto something.

Yes. We've developed
some simple but brilliant new methodology

to predict the name
of the next prime minister.

Hey, little Wren, my mum's hen
says the next PM will be...

Kanye West.

Hmm. May need
a little more work.

In international news,
Donald Trump

has signed a treaty
with Kim Jong-un.

Trump said he got
everything he wanted out of the deal.

Kim said he got
everything he wanted too.

So there. Then Donald said,

"D you wanna come and see
my big house?"

And Kim said, "Do you want
to come to my big house?"

And Donald said,
"I said it first. Nyeh nyeh."

And Kim said, "Yeah,
but I said it best,

so I win
and you're a poo-poo pants!"

At least that's how I
imagine it went.

Are you sure about this?

It's fine. He's a friend
of the family's neighbor.

And he's got
a very responsible job.

It'll be fine.

Thank you so much
for doing this at such short notice.

We should be back by 10:30,

but any problems,
our mobile's number's there,

just give us a call, OK?

Any questions, Mr. Gove?

No. I'm completely confident
in my ability to look after this human infant.

And you are absolutely right
to put your trust in me

in regard to this matter.

Great. Well, we'll see you
in a few hours.

Gove:
Have a wonderful time. And may I just say that

you have my absolute
and categorical assurance

that I won't sell it.

- Sorry?
- The infant. I won't sell it.

Why would you sell him?

I wouldn't. I just
assured you of that.

- Then why mention it?
- To put your mind at ease.

To give you
a cast-iron assurance

that I would neither sell it
nor leave it unsupervised

when I go shopping.

You can't leave him
unsupervised.

Yes, I know,
and I wouldn't...

any more than I would eat it.

You know what?

I'm actually feeling
a little tired.

Yeah, think we might
give it a miss tonight.

Righto.

Let me give you back
that thing you gave me.

Always nice to interact
with humans.

I mean, fellow humans.

Don't worry,
I'll let myself out the front door.

I certainly won't go out
the back way

and rifle through your bins.

And you have my word
on that.

OK. Shh...

( clatter )

( Big Ben chiming )

- Philip: Oh, very good!
- What?

The whiteface ghoul look
for Halloween.

I'm not dressed up yet!

Ohh. You'd look like this

if you'd just come from
a cabinet Brexit meeting.

Dare I ask how
all that's going?

Well, half the cabinet
want no deal,

because they want
a hard Brexit.

And the other half
want no deal,

because they think
that'll stop Brexit.

But for some reason,
I have to keep saying, "We're hoping for a deal."

It'll be fine.
You're the best prime minister we've currently got.

Oh, thank you...
I think.

Though I have put £50
on complete economic meltdown by 2019,

so we're quids in
either way!

Are there going to be
those frightening things

at the Halloween party?

You know, people?

It's probably for the best,

because I can practice
my Brussels smile.

Oh, yes, very spooky.

Go and get your Halloween
cozzie on.

Is it a free bar tonight?

Who knows?
Philip Hammond won't agree to pay for anything

until the last possible moment.

Um, Red Riding Hood?

Or are you one
of the Pokémon?

No. I'm Offred
from "The Handmaid's Tale."

A woman who serves a purpose
for a group of heartless men,

but could be cast out
and executed at any moment.

It's a girl box set
rather than a boy box set.

Waaah!
I drink your blood!

- Ohhh! Don't!
- Sorry.

You'll give me nightmares,
like that one

where I'm at the Tory conference
and I lose my voice

and all the letters
start falling off the wall.

No, no, darling,
that actually happened.

Come on, let's go
bobbing for apples

before they slap
a 30% tariff on them!

I like this hood.

It means I can't see people
not wanting to talk to me.

- Hmph.
- Ohh, it's Trump! Don't let him touch me!

Oh, no, that's just
a particularly fat pumpkin.

Don't you worry about Trump.

He's visiting next year,

so he'll be Boris Johnson's
problem.

Or David Davis's problem.
Or Jacob Rees-Mogg's problem.

Good!

What?!

( music playing )

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