All language subtitles for Tracey Ullmans Show s03e04.eng

♪ When I was small,
I used to dance ♪

♪ In my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ Then I grew up
and did it again ♪

♪ And basically
I'm still doing the same show ♪

♪ I did in my mother's bedroom ♪

♪ And I'll do it
till the bitter end ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my
Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show,
let's do the show, let's go ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman,
Tracey Ullman ♪

♪ Tracey, Tracey,
Tracey, Tracey ♪

♪ Tracey Ullman's Show ♪

Let's go.

Theresa May: Ohh!

Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry,

sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Everything's
an hour ahead. Ha!

We should make that
one of our key Brexit demands.

"Put your clocks right!"

Oh!

David Davis
sends his apologies.

He got on the wrong Eurostar

and he ended up
in Disneyland Paris.

So he thought he'd try
the Ratatouille ride

while we still have
freedom of movement.

Meeting started 11:17 a.m.

Fire away!
Top negotiating head on.

- Got our notes?
- Oh, yeah. Um...

Now, can we settle
this so-called divorce bill?

Oh, we'd love to,
but we can't,

because if we actually agree
to give you any money,

the British press
would crucify us.

Meeting
concluded 11:19.

We can't go without
agreeing on anything again.

Can't we settle
on something else?

Something we could give
the Daily Mail?

- We've had some thoughts.
- Oh!

Um, yeah,

where are they, Jim? Yeah.

Will you let us
change the name of Pret A Manger

to something in English?

We should have
a translation for it by 2020.

Well,
I don't see why not.

Victory! Next, then.

Um, can we keep
the Christmas markets

for the big German sausages?

Yes, but that's not really--

We're cooking on gas bill!

For bidets to be
renamed foot baths,

'cause that's all we ever
use 'em for anyway.

Keep the term ménage à trois,

because a threesome
sounds so seedy.

- Approved.
- Your turn. Please.

What British things
does Europe want to keep?

Not a little thing about Blighty
you'd hate to see go?

Actually, there is something
we'd like you to take back.

Um, all of the stag parties
in Marbella,

those posh twats
from our ski resort in Chamonix,

and Kristin Scott Thomas.

She is bloody annoying.

Hmm. Right.

Yeah. Sounds very fair.

Well!

Progress!

You are people
we can really do business with.

Though not after Brexit,
obviously.

Man: Welcome back to...

Female presenter: Where we take
the most embarrassing body art

and make it wicked smart.

Dame Judi Dench. What an honor.

Don't. I'm just
a humble troubadour.

I've no idea what that means,
but what can we do for ya?

Well, I don't have
many regrets in my life,

but I do have one--
a rather ghastly tattoo.

Well, believe me,
we've seen it all.

Yeah, whatever you've got,
it ain't gonna freak us out.

Well, I hope not,
because I'd like you to do something about this.

Man:
Bloody hell.

- Why?
- We were shooting "Marigold 2,"

and I was rather high
on gin and malaria pills,

and, well...
a dare's a dare.

Right. Well, we could
probably turn it into something a bit more tasteful.

What if we were to turn
"Weinstein" into "Einstein,"

and then "Harvey" into "Hate"

so it says "I hate Einstein,"

and then we give you
sleeves of rival physicists?

You always wanna do sleeves
of rival physicists!

Well, Marie Curie there,

Enrico Fermi on that side.

No, I just want something
that will do me credit

when I'm skinny-dipping
in St. Tropez

or flashing
from the royal box at the Albert Hall.

Yeah, let's keep it simple.

Let's do
a screamin' skull

with flames comin' out
of the mouth and the eyes.

Oh, that sounds charming!

Hang on. What--
what's that on the other side?

Oh, that's my tattoo
of Kevin Spacey.

It's the only appearance
he's making nowadays.

( laughs )

Ian McKellen will be
so proud of me.

Oh. I-- can't see.

Breaking news.

Something about China.

Uh, something about
President Xi Jinping.

Ohh. I wish they'd enlarge
the font or something.

Um, hang on.

( footsteps )

Ah. He strengthened
his grip on power,

in a surprisingly
authoritarian move.

Is that surprising in China?

I'm not surprised. Are you?

( knocking, door opens )

Ohh, Birgit,
what a day.

I'm so tired of
all this Systemkampfen in German politics.

Why can we not just
form a coalition?

Ah, you will do it,
mein Chancellorette.

After all,
who just topped the Forbes list of 100 Most Powerful Women?

Me. Angela Merkel.

You don't look
very happy about it.

Why aren't you
"hipping the hoorays"?

I won last year!

I've been there, done that,

bought the lederhosen.

But so many great women
are below you.

Beyoncé is only
number 50.

That was before
they announced the cast

of "The Lion King" remake.

By now she'd be
a solid 35.

But aren't you even
eine kleine bit happy?

Nein. Because
the Forbes 100 is easy.

Where's my name on
the list of 100 hottest women?

Can't they see that I am sexy
as well as powerful?

Like Wonder Woman!

Maybe you're looking
in the wrong place.

Do you think that this outfit
is beige enough, Birgit?

Do you think we should...
beige it up some more?

Look here,
mein Chancellorette.

A LADbible poll
of celebrity crushes.

You are number 28.

Ooh, let me see.

"Unlikely crushes!" Ohh!

This is an outrage.

Listen, you are
a powerful woman

mit important things to do.

Forget this fluff!

There are fresh concerns

about the Kremlin
interfering in Catalonia.

You should write a strong
and lengthy statement.

Wait. Could that
be the answer?

Has the Kremlin
been interfering

with the FHM
Sexiest Women poll?

- Ja.
- Ja.

They are trying
to undermine the West

by lying about
your total hotness.

Ohh! What a relief.

I feel so much better.

Let me see this
Most Powerful list again.

Oh, look.
Theresa May is number two.

Send her a memo.

Just write, "Better luck
next year, bitch."

You see? I am
throwing the shade on her.

Like Wonder Woman.

Have you actually
seen that film?

Nein, I don't
have Netflixen.

Come on, lads.

I want to see
the passion of Brazil,

precision of Germany,

and the speed of my resignation
after the group stages.

Hey, Mr. Southgate!
How ya doin'?

Super excited about
the World Soccer Series?

Sorry, who are you?

I'm Janice, from Amazon.

Oh, good. Have you got
my order of Wagon Wheels?

I haven't been able
to find any in Volgograd.

No. I'm here because Amazon
owns soccer now.

Well, you say that,
but at the end of the day

all you've done is bought
the rights to broadcast

20 premiership games
next season.

Yeah, and ten years ago,
we just sold books.

It's part of what Jeff Bezos
is calling our aggressive expansion policy,

which ultimately ends
with us conquering Jupiter

as a totally offshore tax haven.

Blimey.

Long-term,
Amazon aims to acquire,

well, everything.

And these soccer quarterbacks

are very much
on our radar.

So what, you'd like
to sponsor the England team?

( laughing )
Hell, no!

We like to take risks,
but we're not insane.

No, Amazon has decided
the next step is to acquire

the television rights
to individual players-- like Harry Kane.

So if you could tell him
not to pass to Sterling,

that would be
really appreciated by Corporate.

What? But that's like
my main tactic

for unlocking
the Tunisian defense.

That may be, but BT Sport
is planning to move on Sterling,

so this is now
a branding issue.

Uh, Kane could pass
to Dele Alli.

I'm not gonna let
some faceless corporation

dictate the way my team
plays football, OK?

Managing England is
a very highly skilled job.

Yeah, sure, I understand.

I mean, it's not as if any of us
have the technology to say,

"Alexa, manage
the English soccer team."

Alexa:
Selecting players. Calculating strategy.

All right, all right.
Harry, could you bang it over to Alli, mate?

There's a good lad.

Now we're working together.

Seriously, though,
if you haven't got any Wagon Wheels,

can you get me
some Penguins?

( bagpipes playing )

Look at him.

Ruining the reputation
of our national game.

A source of Scottish pride
has been destroyed

by this tiny-handed,
emoji-headed hate monkey.

You know what's
really bad, Nicola?

He looks Scottish.

His flaxen hair

and strange,
sickly complexion.

It's worse than that,
wee Mary.

His mother was Scottish.
She was a MacLeod.

Just having one of his courses
exist on Scottish soil

is a source
of national humiliation.

But sadly, golf is
his game of choice.

Well, that
and nonconsensual groping.

So we need to find a way
to put people off

using his course--

get him out of Scotland.

I call it
Operation Asshole-in-One.

And here's our quartermaster
now, Canny Kenny.

- So what have you got for us?
- Reorder balls, Nicola.

- Balls, Canny Kenny?
- Aye, but not just any balls.

Don't touch them!

They may look like
ordinary golf balls,

but the outer shell
is only the thickness of a haggis skin.

Inside it's hollow,

filled with 6,000
genetically engineered midges

from the lowlands of Asia.

- No!
- Only takes a swipe of one of these balls,

and the ensuing
cloud of beasties

will devour the epidermis
of every player on the fairway.

Now, they like
pale skin best.

Ideal for
the Caledonian golfer.

Nicola:
Aye, Canny Kenny!

It's perfect.

In one fell swoop,

we will crush Trump's grip
on Scottish golf.

Ahh! Ooh! Ahh!
Midges!

- Aah! Ohh!
- It's not so bad.

Sort of like camping
in Loch Lomond.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

( birds cawing )

( doorbell rings )

Good afternoon.

I won't shake.
I'm in the middle of high tea

and I'm up to my elbows
in kidneys.

I'm here for the interview
with Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Do come in.

Allow me to take your coat.

Thank... you.

This is Nanny, by the way.

I'm sure you've heard of me.

I used to be his nanny,
and now I'm nanny to his children.

It's a most amusing scenario.

She's been in the family
for 50 years.

Ya get less for murder.

Yes, thank you, Nanny.

Can I offer you some tea?

- Oh, yes.
- Milk and sugar?

- Just milk.
- ( baby crying )

- There you go.
- That's very kind of you.

Always a perfect gentleman,
is Mr. Rees-Mogg.

Whenever I'm makin' dinner
or changing Sixtus's nappy,

he stays right out of my way.

Now, I'm forgetting
in which publication

this interview is to appear.

- Oh, I'm sorry--
- Perhaps I should begin

by setting out to you the basis
of my political philosophy.

- Oh, I think--
- What I believe in above all is hard work.

The fundamental problem
with socialism

is that it creates
a culture of dependency.

People expect things to be
handed to them on a plate--

but that's not
the way life works.

So instead of looking after
the poor or the infirm,

we must always encourage people,

uh--um--uh--

- Blow.
- ( blows nose )

--to look after themselves.

I'm really sorry,
I think there's been a misunderstanding.

I'm not here
to interview you, Mr. Rees-Mogg,

I'm here to be interviewed
for the housekeeping position?

- ( crockery shatters )
- What housekeeping position?

Well, the advert said

you were looking for
an extra pair of hands.

I don't recall placing
any such advert.

- It's just--
- But I fear you've had a wasted journey,

because as you can see,
I can manage

- perfectly well on my own.
- ( baby shrieking )

So come on, everyone,
it's quarter past nine

and we haven't fixed
one single election.

- What have we got?
- Portuguese elections are imminent.

Who is the worst candidate?

This guy is nuts.

He literally thinks
the earth goes round the moon.

- Give him 20 million votes.
- That is twice the population of Portugal.

Who gives shit?

And you.

You handle British election.

You make everybody lose.

Well done.
Employee of Month.

We have big problem.
It's the Melania Bot.

It won't hold his hand,
and look, this happened earlier.

Now the smile
is malfunctioning.

This was last night.

Move your lips, damnit.

Come on, smile.

Smile.

Ohh. Let me. Let me.

This is now.
This is live.

OK, walk.

Take his hand. Yes, there.

All right.

Keep holding.

Ahh! He let go.

Take it back. Nyet.

Ahhh!

She is old now,
like Mir Space Station.

Best to drop her in the sea.

This is a Code Purple.

You want us to bring
Melania in? We can't!

She's got to pick at a salad
in Mar-a-Lago in 12 hours!

You are disobeying me?

You want a polonium smoothie?

- Nyet, nyet.
- Then go.

And this is the last
of the 3-bed apartments.

It's nice and spacious.

It's wonderful,
this part of London.

I've always wanted
to not live here.

And since you'll be buying it
and leaving it empty,

you'll also be stopping
someone local from ever having their own home.

That is important to us.

There's been
a lot of interest,

so how soon would you
like to not move in?

For somewhere like this

that ticks all the boxes,

I think we could not move in
straightaway.

- Here's the kitchen.
- Oh.

- ( beep )
- Extractor fan.

Only time that's
getting turned on.

And what are the neighbors
like?

It's very cosmopolitan.

All the other flats
were investment buys too,

so there are people
not here from all over.

Absent Russians,
Greek shipping magnate no one's met,

and next door isn't
a lovely man from Dubai.

Oh, do you think this could
not be a room for the nanny?

Absolutely!
Or it could not be a guest room,

or even not a home office.

The choice is yours.

Man:
Oh! What a view!

Realtor:
Exactly.

Just imagine not being out here
of an evening,

no glass of wine in your hand.

Never taking in the sunset.
I think we'll buy it.

Congratulations. You'll be
very happy not here.

- Do you not live in the area?
- Oh, no.

I couldn't possibly
afford to live round here.

I've been priced out.

Now, I must show you
the wet room

that will be forever dry.

Have you heard the news,
wee Mary?

What, did it work?

Oh! Operation Asshole-in-One
was a complete success.

Like a biblical plague,
according to the Newburgh and Foveran Gazette,

and they're not given
to exaggeration.

Attendance is down
by 50% already.

Nicola, have you
heard the good news?

Aye! The club's
losin' members

faster than the SNP
at a general election!

- Shut it, wee Mary.
- And that's not all.

Trump himself was makin'
one of his secret visits

and was caught up
in the swarm.

- We got him.
- No!

Aye! Bitten all over,

left blotchy and red-faced.

- I cannae tell
the difference. - No.

Well,

we tried.

Scottish golf is doomed.

Issue a press release,
wee Mary.

Our national sport
is now officially caber tossing.

Yes!

- ( knocks )
- You wanted to see me?

Yes, I think
we need to talk

about how your economics
degree is going.

Yeah, definitely.

I'm rather concerned.

Your written work
is very, very poor.

- It's just not
good enough, is it? - No, it isn't.

So what have you got
to say for yourself?

What have I got
to say for myself?

The question is,
what have you got to say.

No, it isn't. I'm the one
paying £9,000 a year for this,

and frankly, I'm not
getting my money's worth.

Well! You need to
pull your socks up!

No, you need
to pull my socks up.

- I can't pull your socks up.
- Why not?

- Anyway, I'm better off
if I fail. - What?

I worked it out. Look.

I'll have borrowed
just over £27,000 for this degree,

but I only need to pay it back

if I get a well-paid job,

which in my case is really
looking unlikely, thank God.

What are you saying?
The worse you do in your degree,

the better value
for money it is?

Yeah. And let's face it,
this place is struggling.

- What makes you say that?
- You let me in.

That's a fair point.

But if you do badly,
that reflects on me,

and I could lose my funding.

Basically, university lecturers
like you are incentivized

to get students like me
into as much debt as possible.

Oh, that can't be right.
Can it?

( murmuring )

You're right!

The whole university
funding system makes no sense.

- Precisely.
- Oh, this is brilliant work.

Your grades are gonna
go through the roof.

- You could do my job.
- How much do you earn?

About 40,000 a year.

( gasp )
What are you doing?!

I can't afford the repayments.

No! No, no, no, no.
Come on.

Coming through!
We have the Melania Trump robot!

Has she been missed?

We put dress
on broomstick,

so nobody will notice
for few hours.

( beeping )

Hello.

( mechanical whirr )

Where am I?

Why isn't everything
made of gold?

- State prime directives.
- Directive one.

Help president believe
pig shit ideas are brilliant.

Directive two.

Like shiny things.

Hmm. Brain is OK.

Change her motors,
give her two facelifts

and add an extra inch
to her legs--

I don't want
to make sex to you, Donald.

I'm not touching
your fucking hands.

Oh, no.

Don't order my food, pig.

Wipe her brain.

( mechanical whirr )

( choking )

Your neck is soft
like Louis Vuitton glove.

Look, Melania Bot!

Look at the pretty handbag.

Vintage Chanel!

Ohh!

Ahh, so on-trend.

Neutralize the first lady,
Roy, now! Now!

- ( powers down )
- Oh.

We should send in another wife.
Is not like he'll notice.

Mark IV isn't ready yet.

What other androids
do we have?

The Farage Bot is currently
walking around without purpose.

Chief:
Put it in a dress, buy it some perfume.

We're going to have
to wing this.

Man:
Hey, look! Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

Oh, it's Jezza.

- Oh. Oi, Jeremy!
- Oi, Jezza!

All right, lads, what,
selfies all round, is it?

All right. Here we are.
Lemme pop the hat on.

- Stay on brand.
- ( camera clicks )

You might want to put that
on social media, promote the gig.

- What gig?
- What gig.

Oh, you've been
out of the country.

We're doing a massive rally

at White Hart Lane
Recreation Ground.

"Labour Live."
You might want to come along--

if you can still get tickets.

You can still get tickets.

( man clears throat )

Oh, selfies all round, is it?

Oh.

I'm very angry with you,
Mr. Corbyn.

You need to do more
about the anti-Semites in your party.

I hear you. I am all over it
like cream cheese on a bagel.

Uh, it's all right
to say that, is it?

Some of the guys
you hang round with are very bad people.

It's very good
talking to you!

Right. Bit awkward.

But I want you to know
that I'm completely on top of all this Jewish stuff, lads.

I've spoken to
every single anti-Semite in the Labour Party,

and I've told them
in no uncertain terms:

"Tone it down a bit."

Actually, I've
always been very careful

about the company
that I keep--

Jeremy?

- Gerry Adams.
- Oh, God.

How the hell are you,
you old devil?

Yeah, well,
I'm fine, actually.

What-- What are you
doing here?

Well, I always promised myself
when I retired from Sinn Fein,

I'd come to London
and do all the touristy stuff--

Madame Tussauds,
the London Eye.

I got a few funny looks
at Buckingham Palace,

but, sure, what can ya do?

Friends of yours?

Uh, well, admirers.

Quite right, too.

He's my kind of guy,
this fella.

A real rabble-rouser
back in the day.

Some of the stuff
you used to say

at those old Bobby Sands
commemorations.

Lads, will ya take
a selfie of us?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa,
is this really necessary?

Everybody's just obsessed
with photographs nowadays.

( chuckling )

I tell ya one thing.

Jeremy was always
a great supporter

of the Republican
armed struggle.

I'm gonna have
to correct you there, Gerry.

All I ever tried to do
in Northern Ireland

was bring about peace.

I never supported
the military campaign.

No. And I was never
a member of the IRA.

Is that the time? Ahh.

Can we car-share, lads?

Uh, yeah, the environment
and all that.

Yeah, I'll see ya
around, Gerry.

- Flan!
- You can drop me anywhere.

Oh! Ohh.
Bit awkward.

I barely know the bloke.

Jeremy Corbyn.

Yeah, that's right.

It's me, Ismael.
From Hamas.

Oh, bloody hell.

How are you, my friend?

I haven't seen you

since you invited me
to the House of Commons.

It was you, me,
those guys from Hezbollah...

( bells ringing )

What are you up to,
old stick?

I'm looking for cameras.

Do you ever get the feeling

that people are watching us--
right now?

I don't think so.

Well, the Russians
probably are.

And the CIA, I imagine.

And MI6 won't want
to feel left out.

But other than that, no.

What's brought all this on?

Well, I was flying back
from the G7,

and I decided to relax.

Oh, good! D-Did you?

No. But I decided to,

and that's a start.

So I thought,
"I'll watch a film."

Well, I couldn't watch
"Paddington"

because it's about
an illegal immigrant with no skills,

and I couldn't watch
"The Shape of Water"

because Arlene Foster
wouldn't approve

of sexual relations
with fish men--

Especially outside marriage.

So, I watched a film
called "The Truman Show."

- Oh, I see where this is going.
- Hear me out, Philip,

because it all adds up.

Ever since I became
prime minister,

things have been
utterly bizarre.

It's all too bad to be true.

I held an election
against a man

who was supposed
to be unelectable.

I didn't win, but I had
to carry on, regardless.

Anyone in the cabinet
who likes me has to resign,

and I'm forced
to promote rejects

from the bin
of Dr. Frankenstein.

- But--
- And just when I'm taking the country out of Europe

and we need allies,

the U.S. elects
a shouting Scotch egg.

And he's in peace negotiations
with North Korea,

but on the brink of war
with Canada.

Canada!

And I have to rely on the DUP,

who don't like gay people,

but the Scottish Conservatives
are led by a pregnant lesbian.

- None of it adds up!
- Yes, but darling,

you did win on
the Brexit amendment.

That's because they have
to keep me on the show.

It's all designed
to torment me.

I'm trapped inside
"The Theresa Show,"

and the audience is voting
for what humiliation I suffer next.

No, I promise you, all of this
is happening for real.

Which I mean
in the reassuring way.

Europe is just
this little problem

that will iron itself out
in the next year, or 20.

What about Boris?

What rational explanation
could there be for him?

He's just a devious,
narcissistic bastard, darling.

- So, should I stop worrying?
- Yes.

Well, not about Boris,
obviously.

Or Gove. Or Barnier.

But about
"The Theresa Show," yes.

You are not trapped in some
sinister reality program

hosted by Dermot O'Leary.

That sounded very specific.

Just trust me.

You are
the real prime minister.

Yes. I am.

Yes, you are.

Now, you get out there

and show 'em
what you're made of.

- I will.
- Mm.

( door opens, closes )

( beep )

She's on to us.

( music playing )

Right, folks, it's bath time.

Nanny has spoken
and must be obeyed.

Don't forget
to wash your minnow.

You can say anything
you want here,

it's a very safe environment.

-And... (GASPS)
-Witch hunt!

Go and grab us some women
before we become sexist.

No, grabbing women
is the problem.

Ooh!

(LAUGHS)

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