All language subtitles for The Cool Kids s01e05 The Cool Kids Rig an Election.eng

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You know what really
grinds my gears?

Cars today.

What's with all the beeping?

My ex-wife's car used to beep
every time you backed up.

Bitch, I know I'm backing up!
I'm driving you! I'm in charge!

I can't tell if you're mad
at the car or your wife.

Well, a little bit of both.

Well, you've been talking about
it for an hour and a half now.

And he doesn't even own a car.

You know, if you're gonna
sit at my table,

you got to listen to my jokes.

Oh, you're telling jokes?

Is that what's happening here?

Oh, so you don't think
I'm funny, do you now, Margaret?

Well, how about this:

a doctor, a priest, and
the prime minister of Morocco...

Hey, quit telling bad jokes.
I need water.

(gasps)

Cheese and crackers!

Is this tap?

Why do you keep going
on those crazy hikes

with Gorgeous George?

I have enough self-esteem issues

without Gorgeous George telling
me I look dumpy in my Umbros.

Who's Gorgeous George?

And if he's such a jerk,

why are you calling him
gorgeous?

Well, just look at him,
Margaret.

He's a New York six,
but a Arizona ten.

He's the activities coordinator.

It's an elected position, and
it's totally gone to his head.

Activities coordinator
has totally gone to his head?

Yeah.

(laughs)
You are new, aren't you?

He is a petty, vindictive man

who uses his power
against anybody he doesn't like,

and he does not like us.

Uh-uh.
I once scuffed his moccasin,

and he installed
a vending machine

right outside my room,
so every night,

it's, "Cachunk! Cachunk!
Cachunk! Cachunk! Cachunk!

Cachunk!"
It's-it's the soda cans.

-"Cachunk!"
-I got it, Charlie.

And the worst thing about him
is he's incredibly unfunny.

Tennis, anyone?

(women laugh)

That wasn't even funny.

Now, what he should've said is,

"Who's over here
making all that racket?"

See, then he shows them
the racket.

Now-now that's a joke.

Well, well.

Let me just take a peek

under the lid of this
trash can over here.

Ah, yeah, just as I thought:

four of the biggest losers
I've ever seen.

You don't even know me.

Oh, Amanda, don't I?

My name is Margaret.

Very well, I don't know you.

But if you're associating
with these losers,

you're a loser, too.

Yeah, well,
you might have me there.

Why, Sidney, I'm surprised

you're not icing your
ham-like thighs right now.

The sound of them chafing this
morning scared the birds away.

Man, get the hell out of here.

Go tell somebody else
some corny-ass jokes,

-and that's "jokes" in quotes.
-Mm.

I just wanted
to remind you degenerates

about the activities coordinator
election this Friday.

I urge you to do

what every lady's done in this
complex at one time or another

and "Say yes to George."

Toodle-oo, trash.

Bye, George, have a nice day.

You know what we need to do
about Gorgeous George?

Yeah, drag his ass
out in the desert,

tie his ass to a cactus,

and let the vultures
eat him bite by bite.

No, no, no.

One of us needs to run
for activities coordinator

and beat him.

Well, okay, but my way
would be a lot more fun.

*

I really think
we can do this, guys.

If we could beat George,

Sid, you'll never have
to go on a hike again,

Charlie would finally
have some peace and quiet,

and Hank... Hank...

What is your problem
with him again?

The man's a criminal.

He steals laughs
when he doesn't deserve them.

Well, he has been running
unopposed for ten years.

He's complacent,
and we're hungry.

I think we really have a chance
to beat George.

Slow your roll there, rookie.

Now, the way I see it,
this guy's gotten complacent,

but we're hungry.

I think we have a chance
to beat this George.

That's what I just said.

Listen to him, Margaret,
he's onto something.

I don't have to listen to him.

I will think about all the stuff
I just said a minute ago.

Now, who's running?

So you don't know everything.
It's obviously Charlie.

There are some very premium nuts
in this mix.

Charlie, really?

Yeah, you're a woman,
I'm black, he's gay.

We're trying to win an election
in a retirement community,

we're not putting together
a college brochure.

Charlie's our man.

Well, I accept, and I think
if we can focus on the issues--

Hey-oh! Pistachio!

All right, well, if Nut Boy
is going to be our candidate,

we're gonna have to run
a negative campaign.

We need to dig up
some dirt on George.

Really? Why can't we
just have a fun mascot

like that Geico gecko?

(laughing):
He makes me laugh.

Or-or an Activities Lizard

who eats bullies
and sings sometimes.

Lizards don't eat people.
They blow flames at 'em.

That's dragons.

Lizards can be dragons.

What about Komodos?

Well, as your candidate...

What about Komodos, Margaret?

What...
What is this?

Why are you people in my office?

We're taking advantage
of your open door policy.

I don't have
an open door policy.

You know, I think we're trying
to say the same thing.

We're here to register Charlie

as an official candidate
for activities coordinator.

ALLISON:
Yeah...

That's not a thing
you need to do.

So do you decree that he is
a official candidate?

You just show up
to the town hall on Friday.

You don't need a decree.

-Uhp! I heard a decree.
-I heard her, too.

-Nice work, Hank.
-Okay.

Now, can we please go dig up
some dirt on George?

Margaret, write this down.

Elections are not won
with dirt and negativity.

They are won
with charm and charisma

and, most importantly, jokes.

Comedy, that's the weak spot
for Gorgeous George.

Yeah, more like
"Bore-geous... Bore-ge."

No, see, that's why
I'm gonna be writing the jokes

from here on out.

You missed
"Bore-geous Snore-ge."

That's how you win an election.

*

All right, let's get out there
and charm some voters.

-Okay.
-Listen up, you may learn something.

Well, at least he looks great.

Sid, you're a regular
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

I did my best.

His entire closet is filled with
free T-shirts from the bank.

-All right, so get in there...
-Yeah.

-uh, don't be weird...
-No.

...be charming, and hit 'em
with that great joke,

-and get the hell out.
-Okay.

-(chuckles)
-Walk in the park.

I feel like I'm watching
the Titanic leaving the dock.

Not everybody died
on that ship, Margaret.

Hi. I'm Charlie.

I'm not weird; I'm charming.

Here's a personal story.

In 1998, I was abducted
by little green aliens.

I'm new to politics.

How do you feel this is going?

And I was so surprised to find
that they call it "outercourse."

Wow, I did not think
it would go that well.

Charlie,
you diarrhea'd the pool.

You diarrhea'd the pool
with everybody in it.

You're out,
and so are you, Hank.

I'm in charge now.

Wait a minute,
what you mean you in charge?

Your candidate just described
being anally probed

by aliens as
"a great learning experience."

I said "annually probed."

Although both are true.

You better stop
talking smack, Margaret,

and get on the Charlie train.
He's your candidate, too.

Not anymore. I'm running Sid,
and we're gonna kick your ass.

What? Moi?

Yes, "you-ah."

He's cute. He's funny.

Everybody loves him.

He's our best chance
of taking down George

and you. Let's go, Sid.

Wait, where's your spine, Sid?

You gonna do everything
this woman tells you to?

-Well, no.
-Let's go, Sid.

Oh, you guys keep in touch.

All right,
we have got a lot of work to do

if we're gonna win this election

and prove that I am much,
much smarter than Hank.

First off, I'd like to say
it's an honor to be tapped,

but I'm not sure
I'm ready for this.

The only thing I've ever run for

was my life
at a Kid Rock concert.

Aren't you tired
of being a doormat?

Aren't you sick
of going on those hikes?

Well, yes.

Well, then, you got to get mean.

Oh, I don't do mean.

Let's just do
my lizard mascot idea.

Give him a catchy slogan.

Uh, like, "Vote for Sid."

(hissing):
Sss-sid.

Okay, see, that, uh,
that's a snake, not a lizard.

But at this point
I'm just gonna go ahead

and embrace
that reptile fixation.

So if you want to be a lizard,

you're gonna have to be
a mean lizard.

But I want to be a fun,

singing lizard, like Kermit.

Kermit is a frog.

I am not a zoologist, Margaret.

This is politics, kiddo.

Come on.
You got to get nasty.

Say something mean about George.

Okay, well, here goes.

Uh, and I feel awful
saying this,

but sometimes he just takes
way too long at the salad bar.

That's not mean enough.
You need to get angry.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna be George, okay?

(mimics George):
Well, well, well, Sidney.

Looking a little mushy
around the middle,

-aren't we, Sidney?
-Well, that's not very nice.

What are you gonna do about it,
thunder thighs?

-Stop hitting yourself, Sidney.
-(groans)

Th-Th-That's enough, George!

You're mean and you're a bully,
and sometimes when we go

on those hikes I just want
to push you off a cliff.

(normal voice):
That's what I'm looking for.

Oh, that felt great.

But what am I becoming?

A viable candidate.

All right, now we got to get
this joke right.

-Okay.
-I made a poster for you.

Shabam!
(laughs)

Wow, who the hell is that?

It's you, man.

Oh, I thought it was Braveheart.
(chuckles)

-Aw, for-- forget the poster.
-Okay.

Now, I'm gonna show you
how this joke can kill.

Okay, a doctor, a priest,

the prime minister of Morocco
walk into a bar.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there. (chuckles)

Morocco is
a constitutional monarchy.

I'm gonna pound your head
into dust

if you keep ruining
my damn joke.

All right, I want you to sit
here, listen, and watch.

And don't say nothing.

Punam, come here!

Is this about your lemonade?

(sighs) Sorry, but we're just
slammed right now.

Yeah, uh, I just want you
to listen to this joke.

Oh, fun.
I'll be an easy laugh, too.

I did mushrooms last night and
they haven't fully worn off yet.

-Okay, you ready?
-Yeah.

All right. A doctor... a priest,

and the prime minister
of Morocco walk into a bar...

(laughs)

That's hilarious.

Ugh, I did not see that coming.

I never said the punch line.

Oh, well, that's your mistake

because the punch line's
the funniest part of a joke.

(yells nonsensically)

*

We are making you
a good luck lasagna

for the election, Georgie.

Ooh.

With extra cheese.

Extra cheese?

Yes, please.

Now, don't forget...

say yes to George.

Actually, do forget to say yes
to George, because George sucks.

Good start. Get meaner.

Well, well, well,

if it isn't Snow White and her
one dwarf, Chafey.

You know, I heard a little rumor
that the freak show party

is mounting a run against me.

Oh, really? Well, I heard
a little rumor myself.

It'd be a shame if your voters
knew that you had calf implants.

Outrageous.

These are natural calves.

Perfectly sculpted from years
of tiptoeing out of bedrooms.

-Ladies' bedrooms.
-(chuckles)

More like tiptoeing out

of the Tucson Center
for Leg Enhancements.

Dr. Kapnakian says hello.

Larry Kapnakian is a liar!

I'll see you
at the town hall tonight.

(scoffs)

Oh, that felt great.

I don't want to stop.

Don't stop. Keep going.

Well, uh, what have we here?

Is this a painting
of dogs playing poker?

Sid, what are you doing?

You smear George,
not the voters.

Well, before you correct me,
Margaret,

perhaps you should correct
that ugly sweater.

Just because it was
on the sale rack

doesn't mean you have to buy it.

This is my favorite sweater,
and I paid full retail.

Where, at the gas station?

Ooh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's right.

The lizard is out of his shell
and he's snapping.

That's turtles.

Margaret,
how are you still single

with such a treasure trove

of animal facts
at your disposal?

Vote for Sss-sid.

Vote for Sid.

Hey, old man, here's a headline.
Vote for Sss-sid.

We are not voting for him.

Yeah, Grace, I know.

Do you guys like this sweater?

Oh, and another thing, Leon.

You know that little tile room
with the nozzle in it?

It's called a shower.

Why not give it
a whirl sometime?

Sid.

-Sid, come in here.
-What?

What the hell
are you doing in here?

I am hiding from Hank.

He's been yelling at me all day,

and the smell of bleach
really centers me.

That's 'cause your mama
was a janitor.

And your mama's mama
was a janitor.

Sid, what has gotten into you?

You know damn well
that my mother

was a state senator by day

and a high-end prostitute
by night.

Margaret has got me
all riled up.

I mean, I ripped off
a woman's wig today.

At least I thought it was a wig
till she screamed.

Hank and Margaret have turned us
into the exact things we hate.

You're a bully, and I'm telling

culturally inaccurate jokes.

Let's team up and do it our way.

Yes.

I love the lizard idea,
by the way.

Well, thank you, Charlie.

-And I love your suit.
-Well...

(laughing):
Well, you picked it out.

(laughing):
Oh, well, it makes sense then.

I see what you're saying
about the bleach.

Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?

Hmm.

Hmm.

So you ready for this town hall?

-Yeah, as a matter of fact.
-I don't care.

My boy Charlie has got this
in the bag.

And, Margaret, you will see

that when a joke
is perfectly told,

it can really move a crowd.

You are delusional if you think

Mr. Alien Outercourse
is gonna win anything.

Well, I heard
your candidate bit a woman.

Well, he might be a little bit
unpolished, but...

he's a killer, and he is gonna
crush Charlie and George.

Oh, I wouldn't worry
about George.

Oh, really. Why is that?

One word: lasagna, baby!

That's two words, ding-dong.

And I'm gonna need
a few more of 'em.

Well, one of George's groupies
made him a lasagna,

left it outside his door,

and I, uh,
put a little secret ingredient

I bought from Punam in it.

Mushrooms.

Magic mushrooms.

So you're going dirty
like I said we should have

in the first place, right?

Well, let's not get caught
all up in the whos and the hows.

The point is,
George is gonna be so high,

he's never gonna get through
that speech,

and that's gonna give Charlie
all the runway he needs

to crush that joke, baby.

You call me "baby"
one more time,

I'm gonna crush more
than your joke.

And Charlie is gonna have
one big little problem-- Sid.

Well, Sid's gonna have one big
normal-sized problem-- Charlie.

We found a hallway lasagna.

Y'all have to try it.

It's like a cheesy blanket
I wear on the inside.

We're gonna beat George
without you.

This is so damn good.

It's like a cheesy blanket
I wear on the inside.

SID:
I like it so much,

it's like a cheesy blanket
I wear on the inside.

Damn, damn, damn!

Well, we're screwed.

Your candidate is off
somewhere shrooming,

and mine is talking
to a damn plant.

Ma'am, ma'am, with all due
respect, that's your opinion.

You might be screwed,
but I'm not.

Well, why are you screwed
and I'm not?

And why are you smiling
like that?

Because I took care
of everything.

After you drugged both
of our candidates,

I had to do something.

But it was a foolproof plan!

Who eats found lasagna?

I knew George would want
a little pre-speech workout,

so I followed him downstairs

and I locked him
in the fitness center.

So no George?
I mean, I don't understand.

So there are no candidates now?

Oh, there's one...

-baby.
-Oh...

Hi, everyone. Hello.

My name is Margaret.

I'm running
for activities coordinator.

I have been told that,
as a woman,

I can't possibly win,
but screw that.

I've been told many things
by men.

Stupid, bald, unfunny men.

Bald? I got a ring.

I'm in the middle
of my speech here.

Shoot, I'm in the middle
of mine. I'm running, too.

Hey, y'all, how you doing?

Folks,
what's going on with cars?

Why are they always beeping?

Nothing?

Well, it's time
to bring out the big gun.

A doctor, a priest,

and the, uh, prime minister of
Morocco walk into a bar, and...

Excuse me.

Great news. We're engaged.

Saboteur!

She locked me in the gymnasium!

These freaks are trying
to rig this election.

Freaks? You've got double-D
calves and lasagna groupies.

Compared to you, we are normal.

(roaring)

Roar!

I am the Activities Lizard!

Vote for me, and I won't scratch
your eyeballs out.

Still think you're not freaks?

Maybe you should ask
your friend, this baby dragon.

I'm not a baby dragon.

I am an adult lizard,

and I'm tired
of taking your crap, George!

-Oh!
-(all gasping)

So... obviously
the election is canceled.

(overlapping chatter)

Why?

Punam is
the new activities coordinator

because she would much rather do
that job for free

than get fired for giving drugs
to the residents.

In my defense,
I was not giving them.

I was selling them.

George ruptured his calf
implants when Sid tackled him.

And he's filed a restraining
order against the four of you.

Wait, that means he can't come
anywhere near us either?

He won't bully me anymore!
I'm free.

Yeah, me, too.

Good-bye, cachunks.

Cachunks are the sodas...

Well, Hank,
it kind of looks like I won.

Wrong. We both won.

We played dirty
just like I suggested,

and everything worked out.

One more thing before we go.
(clears throat)

A doctor, a priest, and
the prime minister of Morocco...

Get out of my office.

I never get
to say the punch line.

They walk into a bar,
and the bartender says,

"What is this, a joke?"

That's comedy there.

"What is this, a joke?"

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