Original subtitles

It's dirty, right?

Hey, you need more tissues?

No, thanks.

I can get you more tissues if you want.

I don't need more tissues. Thanks.

Anything else that you need?

Water?

Menu Card?

Just some quiet, alone time.

Okay.

Hey.

Actually, I'm not a waiter.

I thought you might think I'm one because I asked,

you might think I'm waiting.

I am waiting for someone. But

I'm not waiting tables.

Even I'm waiting.

My boyfriend is about to come.

Can I take this seat?

My boyfriend is about to come.

Yes,

I heard that the first time itself.

I'll leave once he comes.

I'm Mikesh, by the way.

Monica.

About what?

My name.

It's not Mikesh.

It's Chandler.

Chandler?

Your real name is Chandler?

Yes.

Chandler,what?

Chandler Gupta?

Chandler Fernandes?

Is it necessary to say the surname while role-playing?

Micky, what's wrong with you?

Chandler, of all the names?

How would I know we're changing names?!

Suddenly, you said Monica.

I was just about to say Bill Clinton!

Let's play again?

I mean, let's do it again.

I'll come again.

Hey.

Hi.

I was just passing by,

and I saw you sitting alone.

So,

I was wondering if you could buy me a

I mean, can I buy you a?

Hey, hi!

I was just passing by and I was also looking

Sit.

Hi.

I'm Mikesh.

And you are?

Tanya.

Tanya!

Nice to meet you.

Excuse me, madam?

I've been noticing since a while.

Is this man bothering you?

What are you doing those gestures for?

I'll fuck your aunt ass-hole.

Stop those perverted gestures.

She's my girfriend man!

We are doing a role-play.

I'm playing a bad boy.

Hey, Leelay?

Keep the hockey stick back in the car.

No, no, this man was role-playing.

The woman?

She's playing a babe.

Come, come.

Let us focus man!

Sorry.

There was a slight misunderstanding.

Firstly, put your phone on silent.

You too, ma'am.

Have been using What's app ever since.

Yes.

Shall we start from the beginning?

Or shall we start one from here, while sitting?

Alright, so you'll be entering now?

Yes, you should enter once.

We'll have some variety.

Are you leaving?

Tanu!

Sorry.

I can fix all of this.

We could do one thing.

We'll go down and tease her.

Then you could come like Superman.

And save her.

You people will never understand art.

Tanu!

Hey, I was acting so well!

We should have decided the dialogues at home and come.

It'll get dirty.

I have to return it to the costume store tomorrow.

Tanu. Listen.

I know,

the role play idea was mine.

But.

I could have come home dressed as a Firefighter.

Won't that have been better?

Mikesh.

Two weeks after we moved in, you went to USA.

Did I say anything to you?

No.

You returned two months ago,

and are going back again in two weeks.

Did I say anything to you?

Day before yesterday, you tell me

that your parents are coming to meet me tomorrow, for the first time.

Did I say anything?

No.

Today, I'm trying to fulfil your sci-fi babe fantasy.

You don't even appreciate it.

Instead, you're suggesting a better plan to me!

Are you getting nervous because of my parents?

What's there to be worried about?

You've spoken to them on the phone.

I'm meeting them tomorrow for the first time.

I'll meet them next directly after a year, at our wedding.

I don't want them to feel

that their son is getting married to the wrong person.

They like you so much.

Last year, when they went to Sikkim,

didn't they send a Laughing Buddha for you?

Mikesh, its not just your family.

My family, your family.

My carreer, your career.

Everything has to be sorted.

And you're leaving in 13 days.

Sorry.

What else can I say?

Micky, we have a plan for the next few years

and like tonight, please,

please don't screw it up.

It's not just for

our happiness, it's for everyones happiness.

The plan has to work.

Nothing can go wrong.

There's no possibility that anything

What's wrong with you?

Tanu!

I've told you so many times not to drink alcohol.

You can't digest it.

While people are doing the 'Swachh Bharat Abhiyaan',

you're puking here.

Shut up Mikesh.

Peanuts.

I didn't even have a drop of alcohol.

So?

Fuck!

What are you doing Pintu!

How much will you pee?

You hardly drink enough water to pee this often.

We've spoilt everything, Micky.

We're screwed.

There is no chance.

We've always done it safely.

I'd hidden one behind the Odonil packet.

'Safety First' has been my motto since NCC days.

Condoms have a 5% failure rate.

They also have a 95% success rate.

How can we be that unlucky?

My periods.

I'm 5 days late.

Even when you take antibiotics,

they get late.

By weeks.

The pee-stick, Micky.

It said I'm pregnant.

Even when I pissed on it, it said I was pregnant.

How do you stay so positive?

You should have Chavanpraysh.

You don't listen when I tell you.

Still. What if.

What if

I'm

Plus you're leaving soon.

Are you pro-life or pro-choice?

Come on.

No, I'm serious.

I mean we'll do as you say.

You tell me what do we do.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm being a jerk, but

I'm too ambitious.

We had a 5 year plan for all of this.

Now, suddenly

Have you seen our parents?

We are their only priority.

And I'm working too hard towards being a Brand Manager.

Not a mom.

I don't think I can limit my ambitions,

like our parents did.

Nothing of that sort will happen.

Why do you think so negatively?

Think positively and positive things will happen.

The report is coming in an hour or two.

Think positively about it, and you'll

No,

And your mom just had to come today.

Atleast my mother is coming to meet us.

What has your mother ever done for us?

My mom has been dead for 21 years.

Still. Has she ever done anything for us?

Now you don't start.

Can this day get any worse?

Yes.

Fuck me.

Here?

Tanu, you always excite me and then

Shut up Mikesh.

Are you not able to understand?

This is the Gynac floor.

Your stomach cannot be checked here.

Please Sir.

There has been some discomfort in my stomach since a few weeks.

Please check me alongside her.

You cannot get your stomach checked here.

We can only do your wife's check-up here.

Not my wife.

Phulwari.

P for Phulwaari.

Namaste.

So shall I get myself checked too, sir?

Are you pregnant?

Are you bearing a child?

No.

I'm not with a child.

Is it compulsary?

go to the third floor.

Alright?

You shall find the Physician there.

Get yourself checked and treated.

So will you take my mother inside?

Why do I need to take her?

Sir, she is wearing a Polyster saree.

Can't see through it.

She might hurt herself.

Had it been a Cotton saree,

I wouldn't have bothered you.

Alright.

Please come.

Let's go.

Thank you sir.

Micky, if he sees us,

I'm not going to talk to you.

Why are you getting so scared?

He's not a monster that will eat us.

Shall we get up or do you want to stay like this?

He has left.

Hey, Mikesh bhaiya!

Tanya bhabhi!

Go around and come.

You can't come from here.

Mikesh bhaiya, Namaste!

Namaste!

Pranaam bhabhi!

How come both of you are here?

No, no

Mikesh has a headache.

Since two days.

Really?

But I've been told to get that checked one has to go to the third floor.

To get checked here, its necessary to have a child.

No, no

There is a form in English, if you fill that then

On the third floor.

Alright.

That's what I was wondering,

You two haven't even got married, how can there be a baby?

I'm an idiot.

Dad is calling.

Hello

Yes, dad

Oh, sorry.

Yes, I keep busy with work so

Right.

I don't have a single photograph with you.

May I take a couple of selfies with you?

Yes, we're at home.

My voice is echoing because I'm in the bathroom.

How about a couple of smoking poses?

Have you checked in?

You've landed?

What do you mean by 'a surprise'?

Tanu.

We'll have to rush.

I'm first ! I'm first !

This is the fourth floor,right?

Yes! I am first.

Look at that.

The old woman came last again.

It takes you fifteen minutes to climb four floors.

You ran without paying the driver.

Dad happily took the lift.

Someone had to get the luggage, right?

Mikesh was gladly coming to the airport.

But no.

Who gives a surprise by coming 2 hours earlier?!

The world has changed by leaps and bounds. You're still stuck in Old Palaise.

Who has the time for planned surprises these days?

This is how its done.

You feel like giving a surprise, and surprise!

What will Tanya think?

'We haven't even got married...

and they have already arrived uninformed.

What will they do later?' It doesn't look good.

Lata, you're soon to be her mother-in-law.

and you'll become friends with her!

Of course and as if your mother was like my best friend! Shall I remind you?

Come on! Don't let such old matters hurt your ego.

Mr. Agarwal stays on the seventh floor.

I was here in '98.

Dad!

Dad.

Sorry!

He's with us.

We're in Bombay.

What?

We're in Bombay, Dad. Bombay!

We've come to Mumbai. Miku's house.

Miku?!

Yes.

The one whose funeral we went to last week?

Where they served unripe papaya in the Dal Khichdi?

Dad! The things you say!

It was Mehta Uncle's dog's funeral, we were attending.

That's what I was wondering.

Why would we bury Miku in a sack?

I beg of you,

we're meeting our soon to be daughter-in -law for the first time,

Please don't let her feel she's getting married into a mad-house.

Even though she will find out the truth soon enough.

I'm coming in two minutes. Will you please open the door?

You said you were going to pee.

Why are you shaving?

I better shave and look like a gentleman.

You make them sit.

Yes, of course.

I'll make them sit, offer tea.

And when the doctor calls fifteen minutes later,

I'll sit down with them and decide the name of our child as well. Okay?

Tanu.

Don't jump the gun.

Sorry, wrong example.

Mikesh, I might be pregnant.

and if I made a priority list right now,

your stubble would be at the absolute fucking bottom.

Tanu, listen to me.

Do you know if you look in every nook

and corner of this house,

what will you find?

Your love for me?

No.

Condoms.

Because I never take chances.

Do you remember the day I got a bonus?

We were in the kitchen.

We were together. But

there was something between us.

Tanu, there is no way

that I have fertilised your eggs.

Your eggs are secure.

Don't worry about all this.

Ok?

I forgot to pee.

Uncle, aunty, please come in.

You took so long to open the door. Were you racing?

Looks like you came first!

No, it's slightly hot so,

Alright.

Get the bags.

No, it's alright. Please don't.

No, please.

He is,

Mikesh's grandfather.

Namaste.

I don't have a problem, you may touch my feet.

She is,

Mikesh's fiance.

This time when he returns from America,

they plan to get married.

Sadhana, the actress?

Or is she a relative of yours?

No,

she is a maid at our house.

Actually, his eyesight has also started deteriorating.

How are you?

You've become quite fair!

Of course!

The cream that you send for your mother,

is actually used by me.

Why don't you have a seat?

I've bought such great furniture.

how are you?

Why don't you ask your mother?

She's put me in an 8x4 room,

along with a 15inch televison.

How will a man who watches Doordarshan 24x7 survive?

I had no idea Grandpa was also coming.

We didn't know either.

That's how he has become.

Everytime we plan to leave for someplace, he comes up with a cough.

Says, 'I have a few days left to live,

make me meet Miku'

So, we had to get him along.

if you light an incense stick in a closed room,

one will end up coughing the entire night.

I don't like incense sticks.

I don't want incense sticks.

Just because I'm old, they put it.

Every night, this soap opera starts off at our house.

I keep watching it.

I enjoy.

Forget that.

Tell me, did you fially meet Tanya?!

Miku, she opened the door,

of course, we met her.

So?

What do you think of my choice?

She's very good.

She's beautiful.

You are very beautiful.

You are too gorgeous.

Very good.

There's no need to thank me.

If you are beautiful, you are.

Alright, she understood.

You did, didn't you?

That is what I am saying.

She is very beautiful.

You must be tired, I'll get some tea for everybody.

You're not just beautiful on the outside,

you're as beautiful from the inside.

We'll surely have tea.

I'll come help you.

No, please.

Get used to calling her 'mom' now.

no sugar in my tea,

no milk in mine,

no tea leaves in mine.

Hi, Doctor.

This is Tanya Nagpal.

I'd come to you in the morning for

Yes, my reports are due.

I got a new jacket,

the John Travolta one

So, she said,

'Hi, I'm Monica'

How could she say that?

If it would have been me, I'd have said I am Bill Clinton.

Do you know whats going on?

Where you are?

What is going to happen?

Do you have a clue?

What happenend?

Mikku isn't buying a bottle of shampoo,

For the rest of her life this girl will

Grandpa!

Switch it on.

I am going to take a dump.

Is there a problem with that too, now?

I'll quit eating from tomorrow.

Then, there will be no problem.

Please go a bit softly.

Is it my fault,

that they have a lame dining table?

So much for working in a private company.

Look at the cheap table that they have.

I'll be back in a minute.

Tanu.

You were in the mood.

You threw the food off the table.

Then we had to have Poha at night.

That day, I forgot to

He's saying that,

I tested positive

and the reports are on the way.

He's sending them here?

Let me talk to her.

Why are you sending the report home?

With whom?

But I am the boyfriend.

What do you mean by 'you never know with young people'?

Just because someone showed you a selfie, implies he is the boyfriend?

Which selfie?

You're not Mikesh bhaiya.

Has he kept a paying guest?

I am Mikesh's father.

Don't look like it, do I?

No.

Namaste uncle.

I am Purshottam.

I have come directly from the temple.

And I'm here with good news.

I was hungry so I ate one

Hey, Mikesh bhaiya!

He is our agent.

He has some good news.

Yes, he got us this house too.

Please come, we'll talk peacefully.

I've left brokery uncle, I'm a driver now.

Take the ladoos from him.

What are you doing ?

You say whatever comes to your mind.

What is there to feel shy about?

Customers give us a 5 star rating.

We make loads of money.

I'm talking about the reports.

I understand everything.

You have a headache because of this tension.

I also got Disprin for you from the medical store.

What are you doing?

Dad

we were racing.

The ladoos will fall, there will be ants everywhere.

My son!

Come on! Buck up!

Kill him!

Tanya

I thought I should

help you.

No, please. I'll do it.

It's hot, isn't it?

Yes.

You must be feeling hot.

No, you've been the one making the tea.

To tell you the truth, even I'm a bit worrried.

I mean,

Even his grandmother,

passed away a few years after my marriage.

So even I don't have much experience with this.

Me neither.

Yes, Miku told me.

Who used to buy your clothes then?

Me.

Shall I ask you something?

You may find it a bit odd.

What did you see in Mikesh?

Why are you getting married to him?

I'm not being negative.

After all, I am his mother.

I mean,

I had an arranged marriage, so it makes sense.

But, why are you?

Aunty, he's nice.

No, let me tell you about myself.

I didn't want to get married.

Not just to him, but not to anyone.

I wanted to take a B.Ed degree and get a job.

But my family, of course,

wanted to marry me off as early as possible.

I resisted a lot.

I went on a hunger strike for 3-4 days.

But they didn't budge.

So, then?

Then,

I agreed. I got married.

But Mikesh said, you used to teach.

No, I did the course after marriage.

I was carrying Mikku in my final year.

I delivered one week before my viva exam.

So how did you manage?

Pregnancy, studies and everything else?

I really wanted to, so I managed.

My grandmother always used to say,

People who make excuses get carried away,

and people who want to do something, do it.

So I did it.

Didn't you ever plan a baby?

Plan?

Does his father look like someone with a plan?

No.

But, when

Mikesh was growing up

you must have had problems.

Yes, there were a lot of problems.

For instance,

in the morning when he had to go to school,

I had to make him ready, get ready myself and get his dad ready.

There were many times when

I used to pack the wrong books in his bag.

He used to get a thrashing in school because of me.

When he was mischievous at home,

I never used to beat him up.

I just packed the wrong books in his bag the next day.

This way, I used to outsource the beating.

He never found out?

For instance,

as a child he used to think,

that his mother doesn't eat food.

He used to tell his friends,

that 'my mother gives me food,

and then washes the dishes and sleeps.

I've never seen her eating.'

He used to actually think,

that I quell my hunger by seeing him eat.

I mean, till you don't have your own kids,

you think your parents are god.

And how they sacrifice so much for their kids.

if Mikku had to be fed, his mother used to eat quickly, while cooking.

Maybe you hadn't paid attention, but

when she had to,

had her lunch.

So why did you quit teaching?

I started taking tuitions.

Wearing a saree in Indore, in that heat

If I tell you something, you woundn't tell anyone?

No. Tell me.

Shall I really tell you?

No, I promise.

So,

the thing is,

from the start,

I didn't like wearing a bra at all.

Even today when the tuition gets over,

I quickly go and unhook it.

What?!

I feel so comfortable.

And nobody finds out.

What if someone comes from outside?

So what?

I quickly wear a shawl

or go and hook it in the bathroom.

Mikesh's dad doesn't know till date.

He asks me why I go to the bathroom evertime Mr. Gupta comes.

So I tell him, it's Mr. Gupta's face.

It reminds me of the bathroom.

Tanu.

I

Tanya,

wanted to talk to you about something.

Go, talk to Mikku.

I'll sieve the tea. Go.

Yes.

Come.

Tanu.

Look.

I know we've caused a blunder.

We shouldn't have watched Fifty Shades of Grey that night.

We'll figure it out.

We'll find a good doctor and

handle it.

Mikesh, wait.

I don't know.

I don't think

I know it changes our existing plan completely

But, let's just think about this possibility.

No, I'm obviously still pro-choice.

Let's just calm down.

Sit down.

And let's talk about the choice.

Don't get tensed.

I'll cancel my trip to the U.S.

In fact, I'll just call my boss and

tell him I accidently fertilised your eggs.

No, no

Let us first decide.

Until then,

no one can know.

Please, nobody.

Yes, that's right.

Especially your parents.

Please, they can not know about my pregnancy.

We won't tell anyone. No one is pregnant in this house. That's it.

Grandpa,

would you like something with your tea?

Bikaneri Bhujia or something?

Lata!

Our daughter-in-law is pregnant!

Lata, she is pregnant!