All language subtitles for Players s01e10 Mr. Meal Snak Stix.eng

- What's goin' on in here?

- Oh, hey.

I struck a deal
with Mr. Meat Snak Stix,

This new meat product.

They're gonna do their product
launch here at players.

We're havin'
a meat party, buddy.

Give away free meat Stix
to all our customers

When they're drinkin' beer.
It's gonna be great.

- Aw, come on,
these kind of promotions

Cheapen an establishment.

We're tryin' to make
a respected brand

Of the players name,
not corrupt it.

- Ken, it'll be great.

Bring in new customers,
create a festive atmosphere.

It's a sports bar.

- Come on, it's horrible.
Look at this thing.

The colors are garish,

The mascot is
an anthropomorphic feces

Ejaculating out of its head.

- That's a Rorschach test
for what's goin' on in here.

That's all you.

- And you've got Calvin
out front

Dressed up like that thing.

You're gonna kill him.
It's 110 degrees out there.

- Calvin is
a highly trained athlete.

Don't worry about him.

I actually thought
you were gonna be excited

And say, "thanks, Bruce,
for doin' somethin' cool."

Great. Don't even
come out here tonight.

You're just gonna be a bummer
and a party-pooper.

Go in the office.

I'll take care
of the whole place.

- Fine, I will.
- Go on.

Go to your room.

- Look at this thing.

It's gonna give people
nightmares.

- What do you see when
you look at a redwood tree?

A tall turd comin' green?

What a dud.

Sync by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

- ♪ we ain't never
gonna change ♪

♪ we ain't doing
nothin' wrong ♪

♪ we ain't never gonna change ♪

♪ so shut your mouth
and play along ♪

- Is that Calvin?

Calvin.

- Oh, hey, guys.

- Oh, my God, you're sweating.

- Yeah, I know.
- Why are you wearing this?

- I don't know.
Bruce got it for me.

It's pretty cool, right?

- Oh, my God, you look
like you're gonna pass out.

- Yeah.
You should get out of this.

- Maybe you should
just take it off.

- I'm fine.

- Well, look
at what we have here.

Hi, gorgeous,
you want to come play

In my back seat with me?

- Hey, honey, why don't
you pull up my face

And have a seat?

[laughing]

- No, I will not pull up
your face and have a seat.

And you, sir,
should know better.

- Excuse me, don't talk
to my dad like that.

I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to
your hot friend back there.

- Shut up!

- Hey, man, it's not nice
to ignore someone

Just 'cause they're
not as hot as another person.

- Oh, okay.

Um, fuck you, pal.

[laughing]

- God! You're philistines,
both of you!

- Oh, my God, you guys,

I'm so, so sorry about that.

It happens all the time.

Everywhere I am, guys are like,

"you're hot.
Can I get you in bed?"

It's... I hate it.

I'm sorry that you
got in the middle.

- I hate that that
happens to you.

- Ugh, it's the worst.

It's like I can't
walk down the street

Without being, like,
harassed sexually

All the time.

- It really sucks.

- Do you have any idea
what it's like

To have this hot, amazing body?

No, you don't.

- Who's to say now?

- I mean, so what if I like

To sunbathe naked
in my backyard?

I should be able to do that

Without hoards of men
watching me do it.

[school bell rings]

[camera phone clicks]

- God, life is tough for you.

- Sometimes I wish I was
just, like, normal-looking.

You know, like you.

- What is all this?

- Oh, cool. You guys
found the stuff.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Guess what?

We're doin' a product launch

Tonight at players.

Mr. Meat Snak Stix.

And you guys get to be
the Stix girls.

- What do we have to do?

- Well, you just
put that on, walk around,

Give away
free meat Stix and t-shirts

Kind of like Coors light girls.

- Oh, my shirt is missing
the bottom of it.

- No, no, that's it.

It's like a tankini.

- I'm not wearing this.

This is way too small.

- Yeah, Bruce, this outfit
is ridiculous.

- Thank you.

- I mean, this is
the kind of top

That makes my breasts
look perfect.

And these shorts?

I mean, my ass is gonna look

Really high and tight.

Guys are gonna be
all over me the entire night.

How am I supposed to get
any work done, right?

- If you could just please
try it on, Krista.

- [sighs]
- thank you.

- I'm sorry,
but I'm a waitress,

I'm not a prostitute
for Mr. Meat Stix.

- What are you talking about?

I'm wearing one.
I'm not a prostitute.

- Yeah, but
you're wearing an XL

With a cardigan over it.

I can't...

I have to say, I can't believe

You'd want me
wearing something like this

And walking through the bar.

- Barb, I've seen you wear
stuff like this before.

- Yeah, in the privacy
of my bedroom.

- You have a killer figure.

Why be embarrassed?

Get out there and parade it.

Just please put it on?

- If you are wearing
something over your shirt,

Then I'm wearing something
over mine.

- Grab somethin' off the rack.

- Bruce, look how long
my legs look in these heels.

What am I supposed to do?

- A winter coat?
- Yes.

- You need to wear
a winter coat over that?

- I may get cold since
I'm wearing lingerie to work.

- Okay, you can put that on
over your lingerie,

But would you please
put a sticker

On the back of it?

I promised them
all the employees

Would have signage.
- Okay, fine.

Can Krista and I
change in private,

Or would you like to invite
the customers to watch?

- Hey, meat stick boy.

- Hey, hick.

Oh! This sash
is so hot.

- How you doin'
out there, Skeeter?

[beer pouring]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You should be drinkin' water.

- No, not today.

I'm entering the Mr. Fit
flagstaff competition tomorrow,

So gotta cut water weight.

- Good. What is that,
a bodybuilding thing?

- No. Bodybuilding
competitions

Are full of steroid freaks

And they promote
an unhealthy lifestyle.

Mr. Fit flagstaff
promotes a healthy lifestyle

Through proper diet
and exercise.

- Huh?

- I'm gonna do
a push-up routine,

A pull-up routine,

And a medicine ball routine.

- What is that, some kind
of dance or somethin'?

- No. It's a series
of choreographed moves

Set to music.

Not gonna dance
in front of people.

I'll look like an idiot.

- Mmm! These are good.
- Mm-hmm.

- I could eat about a million.

- I like the taste of 'em.

They give you that burn
down your throat

Like a nice old cigar.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, can I get a beer?

I bet these are good with beer.

- ♪ Ta-dah ♪
- good with my coffee.

- Tastes like steak and beer.

- You know where we should go?

We should go rock climbing,
like, at dawn.

- Yeah, sure.
Watch the sunset?

- No.
- Sunrise?

- Sunrise.
- Whatever.

- I'm more of
a sunrise guy myself.

- Yeah. Well, we'll stay
and watch the sunset.

- It's like half-glass full,
half-glass empty.

- Yeah, you're not finished.

[rock music playing]

[animal growls]

♪ ♪

[animal growls]

- What?

What? Do I have
something in my teeth?

- Wow!

Why is she so hot
in that outfit?

- Well,
it's a well-known fact

That a man in a winter coat

Without pants is a pervert.

A woman in a winter coat
without pants

Is about
the sexiest thing alive.

- Absolutely.

- Hey, guys.

Like the new outfit?

- I gotta go check the trash.

- Have your paper?

- Oh, sure.

- Barb, you gotta try these.

- Ugh! No, I don't eat
processed food.

- It's not processed.
It's just meat.

- No, thanks.
- Just smell it.

It smells like Christmas.

- I'm okay.
Thank you.

- You sure?

- No, I'd rather not, Bruce.

- Oh, look who came up
from their bitch nap.

Just comin' out
to sample the fun?

Come on into the party, Ken.

Come on.

- Oh, is that
what this is, a party?

- Yeah, this is a meat party,
if you read the banners.

That's why you're out here.

- No, not really.
- No?

- Just wanted to see
what happens

When you pollute the bar
with crass commercialism.

- Crass commercialism?

I see smiling faces,
people are havin' fun.

It's actually
a little romantic.

People are starting to
loosen up with each other.

- Romantic?
- Yeah.

- And you think
that's due to your...

Flavored meat Stix?

- Yeah. Cased meats
are a known aphrodisiac.

- Are they?
- Yeah.

Barbecues, festivals,
people always hook up.

And these things are salty,

And they make people
want to drink,

So we've sold, like,
six times the mount of booze.

- Salt is the redneck Spice.

Read gourmet magazine.

You can go on your way,
back to your debauchery,

Or whatever it is you do,
while I work.

- Keep your sobbing down
in the office, okay?

People are havin' a good time.
- Ha ha.

- Thank you.

[hypnotic music playing]

♪ ♪

- A couple more questions.

Are you overall satisfied

With your meat Stix
experience, yes or no?

- You can maybe help us
be more satisfied

If you gave us some help
with out meat Stix.

- Yeah, maybe we could
stick our meat Stix

In some... some...
to some mouths besides ours.

- [laughing]
okay, I got a question.

I got one, um...

Would you recommend
Mr. Meat Stix to a friend?

- No.

- Were the effects
of the snack sticks noticeable,

Yes or no?

- Well, they're startin'
to get a little noticeable

The longer you stay here.

- Yeah, yeah.
I might need you to

Sew the hole
in my...Pants

Right in front of my penis.

- [laughing]
- that's a yes.

- All right, so, uh, my time.

Uh, uh...Would you, uh...
Buy this...

- All right, do we really
need two for the survey?

I think we're dealin' well
with just one.

- All right, Barb, you can go.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Krista, thank you.

- You gonna leave us
with your ugly friend?

Come here back, Eskimo girl.

- Hey, guys,
you want to see my tattoo?

It says "private party,"

And it points
to my club. [laughs]

- I like the "private,"

But then around the "party,"

Your skin starts to turn gray.

- Yeah.
- It was a shaving accident.

- Listen, miss,
if you don't mind me sayin',

You're bein'
a little too forward.

- You're also bein'
a little disgustin'-lookin'.

I'd appreciate it if you'd
take a five-minute break.

- A lot of men find me
very attractive.

- Hey, we need that canister
of meat Stix.

- Can't have it!

- I need that
fucking meat stick!

- Hey, hey, hey,
leave the Stix!

[hypnotic music playing]

♪ ♪

- Hey, I need two Martinis,
extra dirty,

With olives and blue cheese.

I need a Merlot,
I need an Alabama slammer,

I need a Coors, and I also need
a long island iced tea.

- I saw you take the order.
I read their lips.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Do you think winter coats
are sexy?

- Stolen glance at an ankle's

Worth a bucket of vaginas.

- I gotta go.

- Oh, buddy, I need a beer.

My teeth feel
like they're alive!

You're the best!
You're the best!

- You're the best.
You're my best friend.

- The best!
- Hey, hey, hey!

Speakin' of the best,

I just cracked
the secret Internet code.

Secret websites that are better
than normal websites

That people can't even
usually access.

I mean, there's an entire
parallel Internet universe

Hidden behind the one
we already know!

Give me any website,
and I'm four clicks away.

I can find information
that'll challenge your sanity.

- Let me see.
- No, I can't show it to you.

- Show me that secret Internet,
old man!

- You have to have
your own password.

- Show it to me!

- Gimme some space.
I'll show you later.

- Show me the Internet!

- I love chewin' the flavor
out of these things.

- Chewin' the flavor's great,

Everybody get back.
Just give me some room.

All right, great.
This is great.

[hypnotic music playing]

♪ ♪

- Ken, you can't hide
out here all night.

We are really busy...
- oh, hey, hey.

- Whoa!
- Yeah, isn't it awesome?

Came up with the perfect
organizational method

For our inventory.
First, I started with size.

Size doesn't work.
Too many things the same size.

So I moved onto color.
Color almost works,

'cause even when you got
a lot of things the same color,

You get different hues.
But what really works is shape.

There are
only six basic shapes.

Underneath
those six basic shapes,

You got three sub-categories.
It's perfect!

- This is
a restaurant revolution.

- Oh, you want to know
about a revolution?

You gotta check this out.
- Whoa!

- This is
my drink-serving blimp.

Now, don't pay attention
to this stuff on the exterior.

Those are just prototypes.

This is my baby.

What I'm most proud of
is that it's self-sustaining.

See? It fuels itself
on people's empties!

- Genius.
- The thing I'm havin' trouble

With, though, is
the stabilization system.

None of this stuff works.
I can't crack it.

- No big deal. Just put
a gyroscopic mechanism there.

- Oh, yes!
That's a perfect idea!

- [laughing]

- I just realized something.

The greatest regret
of my adult life

Is that I have never listened
to all of your awesome ideas.

I want you to do this for me.

If you have any idea

That you have been
resistant to share with me

Because you thought
that I would shoot it down,

I want you to share it with me

' cause I will do it right now!

Ha!

[rock music playing]
- [screaming]

- Eee-yah!
- Oh, yeah!

Ha ha!

♪ ♪

- Go on!
Choose your weapon!

- Aah!

- My garbage can punch!

- Aah!

- [grunts]

- [growls]

- Ohh!

- Let me introduce you to...

My little friend.

♪ ♪

[voice slowed down]
wake up, Phoenix!

[shouting,
upbeat dance music playing]

♪ ♪

- Where you goin'?
- Slow down, baby, slow down.

- We'll help you out.

- Thank you, sirs.

- Come on, baby,
we'll help you clear the table,

Then we can get home
earlier, that's right.

- The candle
stays on the table.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

- That's right,
we can get home earlier.

- I got it, thank you!

- Look at me now!
Ha ha!

- Whoo-ooh!

- Hey, guys, how do you like
how covered up I am?

Don't you like all my mystery?

- Nah, nah,
too much mystery now.

- No, you need more mystery,

Like disappear forever.

- I thought you liked girls
who didn't show anything.

- Oh, you're a girl?
- [laughs]

- Look at her!

Look at that slut over there

With all her...
Her neck showin'.

- I like necks.

- Yeah, we like to see
a little throat action.

- You look like a skier
from a communist country.

- [crying] I can't do
anything right!

- Krista!

- No! Not the meat Stix!
- Oh, my God!

- He's right about that.

- Get those meat Stix
and clean 'em off!

- Come on, let's get it on.

- Let's dance it off.
Dance it off.

- ♪ get it on, get it on ♪

- This is not
how you treat a woman!

- [laughs]
it's gonna be great, kid.

I just want to give you
a good send-off.

- Thanks, hick!

- Just a little finishing touch
for you kid, huh?

Bon voyage!

- Jesus! What
are you guys doin'?

- Couldn't sleep. I guess
it's nerves or somethin',

So I decided to drive
to flagstaff,

Get a head start
on the competition.

- That's really smart, Calvin!

- It's gonna be great.

Bon voyage!

- Whoo!

- Break a leg!

- Ha ha ha!

- You guys! You have to
come back inside now!

- Okay, okay.

[shouting,
hypnotic music playing]

- [kissing and moaning]

- Oh, my God!
You're right!

This is horrible.

♪ ♪

We're almost out of meat Stix.

- Hold it! Announcement!

Attention, everyone,

I have a very important
announcement!

I'm Ken Fitzgerald,

Graduate of soup ranch
university!

You can trust me
when I tell you

There are no more meat Stix!

- Oh, yeah, what about them
meat Stix right there?

- Those are for employees only!

- Well, then
I want to work here!

- We're not hiring!

- This ain't fair!
- I want a job!

- We gotta kill
these motherfuckers.

- Crab crawl!

- [shouting]

- Get the crab!

- Get him!
- He's got the Stix!

[overlapping shouts]

- I'm the pretty one!

- All right, give 'em back

Or your friend gets it
right now.

- No!

- I like these meat Stix
more than I like him!

- I saved your life
in that quarry!

- You pushed me
into that quarry!

- I'll do it!

- I gave you one of my kidneys!

- Kidneys are overrated!

You got two!

- No! I named
my daughter after you!

- I do love little Roger.

But...But I love
meat Stix more!

- He thinks
we're bluffin', Bruce!

You gotta kill him!

- You made me do this!

[overlapping shouts]

- Stop it!

- I don't care!
Kill him!

Kill him!
- Kill me!

- [sobbing]
- kill me!

- [screaming] stop!

[crickets chirping]

Has anyone read what's in
these Mr. Meat Stix?

"beef slurry, caffeine,
swine adrenaline,

"ephedra, ephedrine,

And standardized
ephedra extract."

This is meat-flavored crack.

You're all high!

[poignant orchestral music
playing]

♪ ♪

- We got the meat Stix,
faggots!

Let's get the hell out of here!
[engines starts]

Whoo!

Yee-hee-hee-hee!

Kiss my redneck ass!

- We got the meat Stix!

- Yee-hee-hee-hee!

- We weren't really
gonna kill him.

- [groans]

I got a meat hangover.

Anybody else take a deuce

They couldn't break off
this morning?

- Oh, that's disgusting.

- Sorry.

- Hey, kid,
how'd the contest go?

- Sucked. I tested positive
for manfettlemans,

And I couldn't even compete.

And on the way there,

I got pulled over
four times for speeding.

What happened here?

- You don't wanna know.

- Hey, Barb, uh,
I just want to apologize

For what I said last night.

- Look, you were high
on meat Stix.

Let's just put

The entire thing behind us.
- No, that's no excuse.

It's just when all those guys

Were in drug-induced
hallucinations,

Thinking you were
hotter than me, it...

It just hurt my feelings.

- Uh, it's okay, I guess.

- I guess I just need
that male attention

More than I thought I did.

- Hey, listen, I mean,
if it's any consolation,

Those guys last night

- Were hot.
- Were disgusting.

- Oh, well, I'm going on a date
with one of them tonight.

Uh, can I borrow that parka?

- Yeah, sure.

- Mm, no. Uh-uh.

No, no, uh...

I'm gonna hang onto this, Barb.

Maybe we use it sometime.

- I wish I were dead.

- Oh-ho!

Did you spend the night
here last night?

- Yeah, office.

[coughing]

I went to the bathroom
in the middle of the night,

I couldn't get my...

- Yeah, you couldn't
cut it off.

- Yeah!

- Yeah, I had, like,
a 45-minute dump this morning.

Hey, man, I wanted to say

Sorry for bringin'
this promotion in the bar.

I always do this stuff,

And you were cool
to let me do it.

- You know what?
It's okay.

- Yeah? Thanks.

- I walked away
with about six of them

Before everybody got crazy.

Had a lot of fun.

I figured maybe we could eat
some this weekend,

Get the gear on,
and mess around again.

- That'd be all right.

- Hey, do me a favor?

Help me restock the shelves.

I went nuts
in there last night.

- Sure.

We all got
a little crazy last night.

[blimp whirring and beeping]

[slurping]

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www.addic7ed.com

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