All language subtitles for Players s01e05 Cumdog Millionaire.eng

- Keep your wrist open
and slap it.

- I got some exciting news.

- Oh. I got really
exciting news.

- You should go first.
Mine's hard to follow.

- I booked a movie to shoot
in our bar today... we're closed.

- What?
- Hang on.

They're gonna
pay us a bunch of money,

And it's gonna put this place
on the map.

- Okay, whatever.
Hey...Here it is.

Look at this.

I went to the restaurant
supply store today.

- It's a calendar.
- No, no.

- It's a dry erase
schedule board.

It is the last calendar
you will ever buy.

- That's really tough
to follow, that's...

Congratulations.

Oh, here they are.

- Hey. We're actors
here for the movie.

Do you know where
the restrooms are?

- Thank you.

[country rock music]

- ♪ we ain't never
gonna change ♪

♪ we ain't doing
nothin' wrong ♪

♪ we ain't never gonna change ♪

♪ so shut your mouth
and play along ♪

Sync by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

- Oh, my gosh, oh!
- So exciting!

- Do you think Vin diesel's
in this movie?

He's my favorite.
- I hope ally Sheedy's in it.

She's my favorite.
- I don't know who she is.

- Am I the only one that didn't
know there was a movie today?

- Sorry. It never came up.

- God, it is so inspiring
to be around these actors.

I mean, they just
pursue their dreams.

It's amazing.

- Guys, I'm in love.
- With who?

- The starlet.
- Oh, Calvin.

- You didn't say
anything to her.

- When you know, you know.
- You guys...

I think that's the director
over there.

- Oh. I should go say hello.

- Hello, Herr director.

- Hey.
- My name's Ken Fitzgerald.

- Hey, Ken.
- I'm one of the managers.

- I'm dirk.
Nice to meet you.

- It's nice to meet you.
I'm a big film fan.

But I feel that sometimes
you fellas

Don't get the restaurant
situation quite right.

- [chuckles] oh, yeah?

- Yeah, a lot of great films
with lousy restaurant scenes.

Ever see five easy pieces?

Or... don't even get me started
on when Harry met Sally.

You've got a woman
making orgasmic sounds

At the top of her voice...

Where is the manager?

- Well, it's a comedy, right?

- Yeah, I guess.
You know, it's funny...

The two of us
have very similar jobs.

In a way, I'm the director
of the restaurant.

Just like you,
I've got different people

I have to deal with
to get a job done.

- Hey, can we finish this later?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey, Donny, bring
camera one right here.

- I mean, you've got
your lighting guy,

You've got your sound guy.

Me, I got my cook.
I've got my bartender.

I've got my waiters, you know?

Now, they have to work
together,

But how is that coordinated?

Through me... the director.
- Right.

- Then you got your scheduling...
oh, oh, oh!

I just had
a Fitzgerald brainstorm.

I have a brand-new,
state-of-the-art dry erase board

Which I think would be
a fantastic set decoration.

- Yeah, yeah. Sure.

- This is an opportunity,
my friend,

To get a restaurant on film
the way it really is.

I'm gonna have fun
working with you.

- Yeah, that's great,
great, great.

- ♪ I'm gonna have ♪

♪ my dry erase board
in the movie ♪

[laughs]
- oh! Congratulations.

- Yeah, right?

Anybody see the director?

- You look so gorgeous.
- Krista...

- Really classy.
- Thanks.

- Krista, she's probably getting
into character right now.

I'm sorry.
- Is this your first movie?

- Yeah.
It's really exciting.

I don't mean
to interrupt your process.

I'm sure you're preparing
right now.

But I just want to say that
I really respect what you do.

- Oh.
That's nice.

- That's all.

- I love how heavy
her makeup is.

- They have to wear
a lot of makeup

So that the camera reads it.

- That makes sense.

- Yeah. I know the tricks
of the trade.

- Oh...Hey, I didn't know
you guys were in here.

- Hey, Calvin.

We'll just leave you alone
in here.

- Yeah.
He's a great guy.

- Great.

- Hey, come back
after Lacey's first scene.

I'll do your makeup.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- So, hey, Lacey, guess what.
- What?

- Um, one time
when I was eight years old,

I was digging through
my neighbor's garbage

For aerosol cans to blow up...

And I found this magazine
with musclemen in it.

And I was like,
"oh, wow, that's awesome."

'cause I didn't even
know other boys

Thought about their muscles
and their bodies

As much as I thought about
my muscles and my body.

And it made my stomach
feel...Funny.

And you make
my stomach feel like that.

- Okay.

Thanks.

- You're welcome.

I guess I'll see you...
Around.

- Okay, so you're both
working-class folks,

You know, and keep in mind
that the economy's bad

And it's a big city
and it's a lonely place.

- Exciting, huh?
- So cool!

- And skip,
you're a construction worker,

And you're coming into
the bar as a refuge, you know,

From the outside world.

And you're getting refuge
from your world in your work.

And now, you're both
here for each other.

- I talked to Lacey.
- No way!

- Yeah. It's going pretty well.
We're pretty much in love now.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks, man.

- Uh, I was thinking
you might need to incorporate

What's actually happening,

So maybe I'm doing some sort of
green infrastructure thing,

Like building
a light rail system

Or a sun farm or something?

- That's really cool.
Yeah, yeah.

- You guys have no idea.

There is a huge table there
full of free food.

Like good stuff, like gummy
worms and toaster cakes.

They even have free water!

- Hey, guys, I got some
super-exciting news.

I got my dry erase board
in the movie.

We are finally gonna have

A little authenticity
brought to a restaurant scene.

- All right, guys, let's go.
Let's do it.

Uh, Donny, let's slate.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

- Shh!
- Action.

- Welcome.
How are you doing today?

- I've got quite an appetite,

But I don't see
what I want on the menu.

- Do you see anything in front
of you that you like?

- Dialogue's a little stiff.
- Yeah, a little bit.

- Mm.
- Ooh, yeah!

- That's good.
- Oh, it's a love story.

- Do you wanna try some?
- I'd love to.

- Great.
- Ah...

- That would definitely
never happen in a restaurant!

- I was thinking about...
Eating out tonight.

- Well, come right in.
Restaurant's open.

- It's been a long time since
I've had a home-cooked meal.

- Oh, you don't even need
your utensils.

- Lacey, uh...It's
an all-you-can-eat buffet.

- All-you-can-eat buffet
right here.

- [muffled] this is delicious.
- Oh, yeah!

- He's really good
at that, huh?

- I can't believe you booked
a pornographic film

Into our bar!

- Ken, I didn't know
it was a porn movie.

I thought it was a real movie.
Sorry.

- I-it's disgusting.

There's gonna be people
having sex in there.

It's gotta be
a health code violation...

All those bodily fluids!

- It's not all bad.
They have great snacks.

- I hate this stupid movie.
- I want them out of here.

Give them their money back
and send them on their way.

- I can't... I spent the money

On this awesome pinball game,
lizard island.

But I talked to the director.
He's gonna be cool.

I got him to make
some concessions, all right?

He promised
no sex in the kitchen,

He's not gonna
do any money shots

By our bar glasses or barware,
and he said no sodomy.

- Absolutely no sodomy!
- He said no sodomy!

- That is a hard rule!
- No sodomy!

Zero sodomy, Ken.
- That means none!

- None!
- Guys, what's sodomy?

- It comes from the bible,
the city of Sodom.

But technically, it does mean
any deviant sex act

Like anal sex, oral sex,
or bestiality.

- Or it could be armpit sex.

- Yeah, that would
fall under deviant.

- Boob sex.
- Golden showers.

- Footing.
- Toeing.

- Upside down cowgirl.
- Fididio.

- Cleveland steamer.
- Jerry Maguire.

- The Murphy brown.

- Blumpkin
and Murphy brown blumpkin.

- The Sam waterston.
- Sassy barista.

- The Jane Austen.

- The creme De menthe
Abdul-jabbar.

- Oh, yeah.
Um...PAC-man Jones.

- Eggs Danny Thomas style.
- Crusty party hat.

- Blind Liberace.
- The bearded pirate.

- Bearded pirate.
And moustache pirate.

- Okay, you guys,
it's just butt sex.

Sodomy is sex
inside of your butts.

I can't believe we're all
sitting around

Talking about this.

There are actors outside
about to ruin their lives.

I'm gonna do something
about this.

- Hey, Barb.
- 'scuse me, hickey.

- Hey. They're shooting
a skin flick out there.

- I know.

- Yeah, they gave me
this great smelly soap.

- No, that's not soap.
- What?

- It's lubricant... you don't
know where that's been.

Don't touch that.
- Smells good.

- You do not have to stay
in a bad situation.

I mean, look at me.

I was in a terrible marriage
for many years

To a horrible man.

And now, that's all changed.

- So you're not married
to him anymore?

- Well, legally,
I am still married to him.

But I'm in a relationship
with a wonderful man.

He's actually...
you may have seen him.

He's my boss Bruce.

I do still live
with my husband.

Um...But that's only
temporary.

It does get tricky because

We can't stay at Bruce's
apartment at night

'cause it's filthy.

You'd be shocked.
It's horrible.

He says that it was a dog,
but I know...

I saw a raccoon
running through the house.

- So you live with
your husband, who you hate,

While you're sleeping
with your boss

Who has hygiene problems.

- Comparatively,
things are a lot better.

- Hi, excuse me, ladies.

Hey, lace, refresh my memory,
uh, for the money shot.

Boobs, back, or face?

- Uh, face, I guess.

- Oh. Okay, cool.
Get a bonus for that.

- Nice.
I just prefer it.

- Lacey, you don't
have to do that.

You can do
anything you want to do.

- No, I can't.
I can't gangbang.

It would bum out my parents.

- The porn name game.

You take the name
of your first pet

And the first street
that you grew up on.

Mine would be
Shakespeare st. Nicholas.

- [laughs] that's perfect.

- Porn names are stupid.

- What's the matter
with you today?

- Can't love Lacey.
She's a porn star.

- What's that got to do
with anything, Calvin?

- She puts tons of [bleep]
in her mouth.

Sometimes she puts tons of
[bleep] in her mouth

At the same time.
- So what?

Hey, how 'bout if
the woman you were in love with

Was married to Jesus Christ...

How would you feel?
- Scared.

- I'm talking about
my first wife.

She was a nun in a convent
when I met her,

And I thought...I can't do this,
this is insurmountable.

But you know what?
Love conquers everything.

- I do really love her a lot.

- You need to suck it up,
get over yourself,

Go in there, and get that!

- Yeah. Love conquers all.

- Hey, Lacey.

- Hey.

- [clears throat] can I talk
to you for a second?

- Yeah, sure.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I just need
to numb it down a bit.

- Ha. Um...

So I've been thinking, and...

If somebody loved you

And then they didn't love you,

Just 'cause you put
[bleep] in your mouth

All the time,

Then that guy would be
a pretty big jerk.

- Yeah.

- 'cause love conquers all.

- It does.

- I-I'm going to the bar
right now.

- Yes! They just gave me
a free makeover.

I didn't even have to ask.

What do you think?
- Good!

- I think I look elegant.

- Hey, Krista, we don't
have your porn name.

- What do you mean?
- The name of your first pet

And the first street
you lived on.

Your porn name.
- I'm...

Trixie...Honeydew!

- Oh, that's a good one.
That's the best yet.

- I've got another stipulation.

I don't want them
having sex on my desk.

- Does that go for us too?
- Yes.

- Ken, have you played
the porn name game yet?

- What's that?
- You take your first pet's name

And the first street,
and that's your porn name.

I'm rock hardwood.
[laughter]

- I'd be the same as you then.
- No, you wouldn't, actually.

Rock died after you were born,
and we got a pet hamster.

- You mean tiny?
- Yeah.

Oh, and then we moved out
by the coal mines.

- To shaft Avenue.

- So your porn name
is tiny shaft.

[laughter]

- Stupid game.

- Can I get Thursday off,
tiny shaft?

- Oh, yeah.
That'll work.

Okay, go ahead and put this on.

They're filming
your scene next, okay?

- No, no, I'm not...
excuse me...

She thinks I'm a porn actress!

I would never have sex
for money... never!

I mean, yeah, one time I did it
to get a ride to Daytona,

But...Spring break!

Couple times so that I could

Get a week at this timeshare
in Scottsdale.

You know, it's Scottsdale.

It's like the Paris of Arizona!

- You're on in five, champ.
- Awesome.

- Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?

- Mm. Sure!

Oh! [laughing]

Jeez. I forget
that I had this on.

How are ya?
- Good!

I was sitting over there,
wondering to myself...

- Oh...Let me stop you.

I can't have sex with you.

I'm sorry.
I-I'm flattered...

But we have a policy of not...

Banging the locals.
- I get it.

That's okay, actually.

I was wondering if...
You have a five-year-plan.

- Sure. Yeah.
I do, actually.

I, uh, wanna get
my own website.

I wanna get a mold
of my [bleep] made

So that I can have
my own line of sex toys.

And, uh, eventually,
I would love to direct.

But that's a ways off.

- Don't you wanna...
Watch your kids

Run down the stairs
on Christmas morning

Or sit in bed with your wife
on Sunday

And read the New York times
drinking coffee and...

- I c... I can't drink coffee.

I've ravaged my capillaries
from too much Viagra, so...

- You can be anything
that you want to be.

- That's what I love
about this.

I'm, you know,
I was a cowboy before.

A construction worker.
A doctor.

I've done one
where I was an alien.

This is a...
I'm a...

You know, little sex guy here.

- You could really be,
not just play,

But really be
whoever you want to be.

You could be a teacher
shaping young minds.

- No, they background check
for that, I can't...

Can't do that.

- You could be a paramedic,
saving people's lives.

- Listen, I have a good life.
I appreciate what you're saying.

But, you know, life
takes you where it takes you,

And you just...
you just accept it.

- Let me ask you this, skipper.

When you were a little boy,

What did you dream of becoming?

- Well...

When I was really little,
I used to have this...

Stupid daydream about...
- say it.

- Well, I wanted to be
a guy that does science.

- A guy that does science.

You can still be that.

- No.
- Absolutely!

- What do you mean, just...
Go to school and...

- Yeah! Take the steps!

[both laugh]

- [laughs]

I'm gonna do it!

- Skipper, do it!
- I'm gonna do it.

- Thank you.
Thank you.

Can I tell you something,
though?

I have to tell you... my name
is not skipper sunnyside.

It's Al Di Bianco.

- Al Di Bianco.

- Thank you.

Thank you.
- Get outta here, Al!

- Hey, hey.
W-where'd skipper go?

- Uh, I don't know a skipper.

I do know that Al Di Bianco
has left.

He has gone to become
a guy who does science.

- [sighs]

Damn it!

All right, everybody, new deal.

Get on the phone.
We need a new boner!

- Listen, I know you guys
think I'm like Batman...

Or like spider-man
and Wolverine put together.

But I gotta admit, man,
I'm like really nervous,

And I don't know
if I can do this.

- You can and have to
do this, okay?

You love this woman?
- Absolutely.

- Then you have to step
into her world.

That's what I did with
my first wife, the nun.

I joined a seminary
for six months.

I don't believe in God.

But I stayed there
until she fell in love with me

And agreed to marry me,
and then together,

We left the church
and started a life.

- That's beautiful.
- You can do that!

- What happened?

- Well...

The convent
had a really strict diet,

And when she got out,
she discovered junk food

And just...
Just pigged out on it.

I mean, like an animal.

- I'm sorry, man.
- But you know what?

For those six months
that she was still attractive,

I was the happiest I ever was
in my entire life.

- Really?

- You can't miss
this opportunity, Calvin.

Go for it!
Make it happen.

- Thanks, Bruce.
- You can do this!

- Yeah, I can do this.
- Give 'em hell!

- Yeah!
- Go get 'em, champ.

- Bruce, I take back
everything I said.

Pornography's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

- What?
- I have a calling.

My story inspires people
to change their lives.

Skipper sunnyside
is no longer doing porn.

What's Calvin doing on the set?

- Calvin took
skipper sunnyside's place

In this skin flick.

- I'll have your robe
and mouthwash

Off to the side, okay?
- Great.

- So, did you take Viagra?

- Uh, no.

- Okay.

- So, Lacey...[clears throat]

Um...[laughs]

Lacey...I have something
I need to tell you.

So...It's hard to say,
so I'm just gonna say it.

I love you.

I'm in love with you,
and it feels great to say it.

- That's sweet.

- Did you want to say
anything to me?

- Yeah. Once you put
your penis inside me,

Wherever it goes,
don't kiss me on the lips,

And don't look me
directly in the eye.

It's too intimate.

Only my husband and I
can do that.

- Awesome.

[sobbing]

- Aw, goddamn it.
Now what?

All right,
I'm gonna step in again.

[yells] daaahhh!

Get my oil and get my razor.

All right, quiet on the set!

We're trying to make
the movie here.

Roll cameras.
Let's get a slate here, Donny.

Let's get outta here.
Let's do this in one take, okay?

My mother's throwing
a barbecue later.

- So what would yours be, Barb?

- [sighs] um...

I guess it's Rapunzel gulch.
-Ooh!

- I've never seen anybody
cry that hard before.

- I didn't think
he was that sensitive.

- I still can't believe
you told him

To pursue a porn actress.

- The heart wants
what the heart wants, Ken.

- What's wrong?
- Calvin is very, very upset.

- He'll be fine.
He's young, okay?

He's just a little upset,
a little brokenhearted.

- Ooh, it tastes good.
- Wait a minute!

- Ooh, yeah, baby.
- That's sodomy!

No! You promised! No!

- I'm so hungry!
- Oh, yeah.

- Stop, stop, stop!
- Oh, yeah...

- Hey!
- You promised no sodomy!

That's it!
You're outta here!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa.
That's good.

You got good energy there, man.

- What are you talking about?
- Yeah!

I like that fire!
- I'm angry!

Yeah, I know.
It's good acting. Right?

- I don't know.

Remember what you were
saying last night?

Like about how there's no
reality in restaurant scenes?

Well, this is
a restaurant scene...

And you're like being real.

We need a manager in the scene,

And who better to play it
than the manager?

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You really want me
to be in the movie.

- I think the movie needs it.

- Okay, sweetheart, so you know,
just follow my lead.

All right.

And...Action.

- Welcome.
Can I take your order?

- What's today's special?

- Sausages with cherry pie.

- Ooh!
I think I'll have that.

Here we go.

Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, I'll bark for you, baby.

- You... this is a restaurant.

You can't perform sodomy here.

- They need a goon.

- They need somebody
to protect the forwards.

They're not doing it.
- Hey, hey.

Look what came
in the mail today.

My acting debut.
- Yay!

- Go to the end.
They said I'm in the end.

- Ha.
"[bleep]dog millionaire."

[laughter]

- Hey!
- Whoa.

- Oh, I'll bark like an animal.
- Oh, yeah...

- [different voice]
'scuse me...

You guys mind if I watch
and masturbate?

- What happened to my line?

- Yeah, it kinda sounds
like your voice, Bruce.

- The sound guy
asked me to do a line.

I didn't know he was
gonna put it over yours.

- Oh, yeah?
I can do whatever I want.

I'm a [bleep]dog millionaire.

You're fired.

Okay, baby, let's go.
Woof, woof, woof!

Aroo!
Aroo!

Featuring Ken Tiny Shaft Fitzgerald
as assistant manager.

[laughter]

- Who gave them that name?
- It is your porn name, Ken.

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www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
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