All language subtitles for Nothing.in.Common.1986.720p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

WOMAN: Oh. Mm.
MAN: Heh, heh.

You've done this before.
WOMAN: No.

MAN:
Obviously you have.

WOMAN: Oh, God.
MAN: Obviously.

SHELLEY: l have to go back to work.
DAVlD: No.

DAVlD: You don't have to go to work.
SHELLEY: Yes, l do.

l have to go. lt's time.
No, no.

Wait a minute.
Just-- Just-- Just--

Just give me, like,
1 0 minutes more.

Fifteen, 20 minutes
more? Come on.

l want to show you something.
What?

DAVlD:
What is this thing?
How does this work?

Am l supposed to twist this
or something?

[THUD]

Whoa.
Was that you?

PlLOT [OVER PA]:
We're experiencing
minor turbulence.

Please observe
the fasten-seat-belt sign.

Would you get me a cup of coffee?
No problem.

PlLOT:
Flight attendants,
prepare for landing.

l have to get back to work.
We'll be landing in 30 minutes.

l'm a frequent flyer,
They gave me a bonus.

SHELLEY:
Good morning.

We're on final approach
to Chicago's O'Hare
lnternational Airport.

Please extinguish all cigarettes.
Return seats to the upright position.

The temperature on the ground
is 75 degrees.
The local time is 8:1 0 am.

On behalf of our crew,
thank you for flying Trans Allied,

the official airline
of the lndiana Pacers.

[CHRlSTOPHER CROSS'
"LOVlNG STRANGERS" PLAYS]

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

♪ Young and free
Kickin' the fences down ♪

♪ Somewhere hearts are breaking
But he can't hear the sound ♪

♪ They got nothin' in common ♪

♪ He's miles away
On the wings of a dream ♪

♪ He's all caught up
ln that world of his ♪

♪ She says, "l'm gonna miss you
But l can't live like this ♪

♪ We got nothin' in common" ♪

♪ So sad to say
It has to be this way ♪

♪ Everyone's on a road
Of their own ♪

♪ Everyone's gotta find
A heart a home ♪

♪ Loving strangers
That's you and me ♪

♪ Gonna know the way to love
Is a little honesty ♪

♪ Everybody needs to know ♪

♪ That there will somewhere
Someday ♪

♪ Be someone to call their own ♪

♪ Everybody needs to hope ♪

♪ That there will one day come
A someone just in time ♪

♪ Everyone's on a road
Of their own ♪

♪ Everyone's gotta find
A heart a home ♪

♪ Loving strangers
That's you and me ♪

♪ Gonna know the way to love
Is a little honesty ♪♪

MAN:
No lights.

Sign for no lights at Wrigley Field.
l've signed.

No lights at Wrigley Field.

From Davenport?
That's one of the quad cities.

Twice as good as the Twin Cities.
Good luck.

Matty and Matty,
the maintenance men.

What are the odds of that?
Two Mattys in one building.

RECEPTlONlST: Welcome back.
Polly, still pushing grapes.

ls she filling out an application?
Yes, she is.

Ooh. Don't do it.
lt's hell through these doors.

Hi, Kathy. Tell that lady
the truth about advertising.

BG and L hell.

Here's the guys
who are working very hard.

ALL:
Oh!

Right up inside.
This is all l can spare today.

Thanks, dude.
Mr. Basner.

Two examples for child labor laws.
Check out the talent.

l'm back. Remember me?
Shh.

[WHlSPERlNG]
They're in there.
Thanks, Donovan.

[lN NORMAL VOlCE]
l brought you a gift
from the Bahamas. Why?

Because you crack me up.
You make me laugh.

ls this red tie day?
Nobody told me.

Bloody Friday.
Hear what happened to Clemens?

He got terminated.
We fired Clemens?

l'm sorry to hear that.

He was an asshole.
Come on.

Ted? How are you?
All right.

Congratulations
on the promotion.

That's big of you.
ls today your birthday?

WOMAN: Welcome back, Basner.
DAVlD: You want to see my tan line?

Clemens is gone. Rumor has it
he stored drugs in his cubicle.

MAN 1 : Slice his chair.
MAN 2: Get airport dogs.

DAVlD:
Doris, did you miss me?
Of course.

[DAVlD GRUNTlNG]
[DORlS GlGGLlNG]

Thanks for the quickie.
You wear me out.

Put that out.
l see the smoke.

Where's the best and the brightest?
The real creative aspect.

WOMAN: The boss is back.
You don't check anything.

Welcome back, Mr. Basner.
You cut it close, you know.

Ten urgent messages,
but you're due in
the conference room.

Get this fixed.
lt almost killed me.

Who's got a team?
PEOPLE: We got a team.

We got Dale, Rick, Brian,
Cameron, Mishi--

l don't know where
your lips have been.

RlCK:
How's the Bahamas?

Great, but you wouldn't like diving.
You can't smoke underwater.

This is adorable.
Brian, that was great.

Who locked it?
lt's a joke.

lt's an office.
Let's lose the plant.

Look at this. lt's a man's desk.
Bring us any presents?

l have gifts for every one of you,

including a figurehead from
a ship 300 feet below the sea.

That's for me. What?

An office with a window.

[ALL HUMMlNG]

[LAUGHlNG]

Oh, for me? This is lovely.
We don't handle these people.

Hey, l can see traffic accidents
from up here.

Okay, staff.
Listen up.

You infectious group of
guys and gals, the first
order of business is: Out.

No work right now.
Not yet.

MAN:
l love these kind
of meetings: Short.

l went shopping.
New office, clothes, image.

That's nice.

You've got a meeting now.
l will not forget.

WOMAN [ON TV]:
♪ Once l was on a shore
And l felt alone ♪

MAN:
Four, three, two, one.

WOMAN:
♪ lf you give me your love
Open your heart ♪

♪ Life is made for livin'
Tear it apart ♪

♪ You turn into what you do
And l did it ♪

♪ l did it
Adidas, l did it this time ♪

♪ l did it, l did it, l did it ♪

♪ Once l was on a shore ♪

♪ But now l do it ♪♪

That's it. Talk to me about it.
Somebody, anybody.

The account is
as happy as a clam.

Market tests show it does big.
Especially in Europe,
our main target.

MAN 1 : You do nice work, Basner.
He should after the raise he just got.

That's it.
Thank you very much.
Let's go.

Now, about that lunch...

No, do that, and put the memo
on my desk in my new office.

MAN 2: Congratulations.
DAVlD: Thank you.

Donovan,
play that back for me, okay?

Donovan?
No, don't, Donovan.

David, l know that
you've received at least two
other offers from agencies.

Turn them down or l'm gonna
throw you out your new window.

Charlie, they're not gonna
make me a partner.

Partner?

Boile, Gargas, Lionel and Basner?

Like John, Paul, George and Ringo.

You're pretty cocky.
No, just pretty capable.

Oh, sure, in creating cute
and flashy commercials.

[BABBLlNG]

You have to bring in new accounts.
Just watch me.

Here's one.
Make it up right there.

Yes.

[OVER SPEAKERS]
♪ Don't you know l feel for you? ♪♪

You pay him.

l'm dancing, l'm not embarrassed.
You're drunk.

l'm having a drink.

Run it by.

Yo, Davey.
Meet Sheila and Louise.

Louise.
Great.

How's the wife?
Did you lose the ring?

David, this is my friend Sam.
Hi. Nice to meet you.

l'm glad you got the job and l didn't.
Honest. l mean that.

Will you drive him home?
What will l tell my folks?

Sorry, boss.

DAVlD: Jo-Jo, give me a stout.
Beer's on us, Basner.

Thank you.
Hey, nice-- What?

See those Burnett Agency hot shots?
DAVlD: Jo-Jo's on it.

CAMERON:
That's why you're the boss.

Some big outfit wants
to switch ad agencies.

What big outfit?
Their computer, their cosmetics line?

lt's an airline, okay?
Well, which one?

l'll drop a microphone in their drinks.
Just go find out.

l'll fix you up with Cameron.
You like Cameron?

Well, yeah.

Okay. Just don't be too obvious.

Go easy on him.
l might need him at the office.

Another round?

Uh-uh. Mm.

l gotta run.
Got a hot date.

Who's got a hot date?
l wanna talk to you.

MAN:
Keep your mouth shut.

[SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

WOMAN: Wait. Can we talk a minute?
DAVlD: No, we can't.

WOMAN:
You told me you liked scuba-diving
and you raised seahorses as a kid.

DAVlD: Yes, l did.
WOMAN: And you like to-- Oh!

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

Tell me, are you involved
with anybody?

DAVlD:
Yes. No. Well--

Does self-involved count?

[PHONE RlNGlNG]

No phone calls.

l left expressed orders
not to be disturbed.

DAVlD [ON RECORDlNG]:
You've reached David Basner.

l'm looking for new voice for
commercial voiceovers.

And you could be it
if l like this, your audition.

So leave your name and number.
Ready? Action.

[MACHlNE BEEPS]

MAX:
lt's Max.

Max Basner, your father.
Maybe you heard of me.

I thought you'd like to know
your mother left me today.

[GRUNTS]

What?
MAX: Oh, you're there.

Yeah, l'm here.
What is this about Mom?

You got a girl there?
Anybody you know?

That's funny.
What is this about Mom?

l'm not talking English, huh?

Thirty-six years of marriage
and she walks out.

She took clothes.
She took pots, pans, the blender.

lt's 1 2:00 at night, and l'm alone
with a meatloaf wrapped in tinfoil.

Dad, l'm sure this is
a misunderstanding.

It's not a misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding, you take
a toothbrush, not the blender.

Well, look, l'm...

l'm in the middle of something.
Can l call you back?

[LlNE DlSCONNECTS]

Did your mom leave your dad?

l guess so.

People just can't seem to
relate anymore.

WOMAN:
Bye-bye.

[SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

DAVlD:
Hello, Mrs. Packanak.
How are the birds?

[JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG
OVER SPEAKERS]

[DOORBELL RlNGlNG]

MAX: Who is it?
David.

MAX:
You know where the key is.

Good morning.

You all right?

Never felt better.

[MUSlC TURNS OFF]

So, what's going on?

l got a horse here
that cannot lose.

Something burning or am l crazy?
You're going crazy.

How do you like
what your mother did
with the furniture?

Your mother's a thief.

She took the sofa,
the easy chair, the dining table.

l gotta eat off the card table.

l started to shuffle the toast
this morning.

What is this?

Oh. lt's a steak.

You want a steak? l'll throw
on another one for myself.

l don't want a steak.
What's with you and Mom?

l can never find the ketchup.

Where does your mother
hide the ketchup?

l haven't lived here in 1 0 years.

She kept the peanut butter
on the top shelf. Try there.

Oh. Here it is.

Your mother hated me
using ketchup.
She couldn't cook.

You know, the dog didn't die.
He committed suicide.

Now that's a piece of meat.

You had breakfast?
You want anything?

So...

Mom left?

Do you see anyone else here?

You gonna tell me about the situation
or are we gonna play 20 questions?

l told you on the phone.
She walked out, she left.

Do you know where she is?

Who cares?

l'm better off without her. Hmm.

She was some bundle of fun,
that one.

My sides still hurt from laughing.

This isn't your problem.
l don't wanna waste your time.

Look, be fair.

l heard from you
three times this year.

"Merry Christmas,"
"Get me hockey tickets,"

and now
"Your mother has left me."

l know you wanna leave.
You been here 1 0 minutes already.

What, you got a blond
on the other pillow?

A redhead with tight jeans
with the name across the ass?

When l was a kid we didn't need
any name, just an ass.

Go on, get out of here.

[ROMANTlC MUSlC PLAYlNG
OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ The whisper on the wind
As she slips through the door ♪

♪ The softness of her touch
That leaves you wanting more ♪

[MAN SlNGlNG lN FRENCH]

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

♪ Let her put in on ♪♪

ROGER:
Cut, cut, cut.

What is going on here?

[CRUNCH]

What's down here?

Why are my glasses on the set?
ACTRESS: What's the matter?

Listen, honey,
it's "Jeu de paume."

lt's not "Jeu de roller-derby."
He moved.

You're ripping
this man's face off.
Let's take five.

Take a break, folks.

Seven minutes before lunch,
he takes a break.

You said yes to the Sony,
no to the drunk driving.

Jane wants to see you.
DAVlD: l'll be back.

Janey, talk to me.
Lunch tomorrow is at Spiages.

The jacket-no-tie meeting's
pushed to 2:30.

Donna call back yet?
l left three messages.

Someone claiming to be
your mother--

Wait. My mother?
She said she was.

l wouldn't know,
l didn't know you had parents.

Get her on the phone.

There's just an address.
Stop by after work.

After work?
l've got seven layouts.

Okay, Rog?
Yes?

We can't break this long.
Break's over.

Thank you. Now start nodding.

The client sees me
telling you that the smoke
is not gonna cover the product.

Find out exactly where this is.

[♪♪♪]

LORRAlNE:
l rented the upstairs apartment
from Lucille.

You remember Lucille, she was
our cleaning lady when you were 6.

DAVlD:
Oh. My mind was so cluttered
when l was 6.

Say hello to Lucille, David.

Oh, hello, David.
Hi.

So good seeing you.
Nice to see you.

Meet my husband, Arthur.
How do you do?

Oh, yeah, l remember Lucille.

l just thought she was a little taller.

After 36 years of being married,

you pretend the whole thing
didn't happen?

ls that it, Mom?

ls that what your father said?

l just walked out
all of a sudden?

No, he didn't say anything.
We just looked for ketchup.

Well, l'll tell you
what happened.

You have no idea what it was
like since you moved away.

l mean,
there was nobody to talk to.

He'd come home and there
was still nobody to talk to.

l'd check his club chair.
That's how l knew if he was home.

l didn't leave because of the yelling.
l left because of the silence.

lt's okay. You don't have to
tell me the whole thing.

David, it took every ounce of courage
l could muster to walk out that door.

[POP MUSlC PLAYlNG
OVER SPEAKERS]

[PEOPLE GROANlNG]

WOMAN 1 :
That's right.

Who is to say that amoebas
don't make noise?

The whole point
of this acting exercise
is uninhibited body motion,

uninhibited speech, sound.

[MAN 1 YELLS]

DONNA:
Open it up. Open it up.

Michael over here is making
very, very good amoeba noises.

Zachary, Nancy, what are you doing?
Making baby amoebas.

MAN 2:
You wouldn't know how.

l would prefer asexual reproduction,
if you don't mind. Thank you.

ls this a required class,
Amoebas 1 01 ?

David.

Professor Donna Martin.

Fancy seeing you here,
or anywhere.

Whoo! Open it up.

Open it up.
Use your vocal capacity.

Did l forget something?

You promised you were going to
come to my play, David. Remember?

Why don't you just admit to me
that you hate experimental theater?

No, that's not true.
You do, David.

l was doing an experiment
to see if l could enjoy it without

actually being in the theater.
Actually being in the theater.

l'm sorry.

[BABBLlNG]

DONNA:
No foreign amoebas, please.

Better.

Are we working you too hard,
Bubba?

All right, take five.
WOMAN 2: l gotta go to the bathroom.

There's a lot l'd like
to get through this hour.

Let's make this only
a 1 5-minute "take five."

Good work. Very nice.
Good amoeba-ing.

Nice. Very good.

Oh, good book?

That's nice.
You were the best,
Bubba. So far.

GlRL: Ms. Martin?
ls he your boyfriend?

He's an old flame,
an old high-school flame.

Look closely, girls.
This is what you want
to avoid later in life.

[GlRLS GlGGLlNG]

DONNA:
l don't know, David.

The problem is my parents
were divorced when l was 1 0.

The only advice my mom gave was
"Don't live in the same city."

What crappy advice.
l can't get my parents to move.

l didn't mean that
they should move.
l meant that...

You know what
my scenario was for this?

l was gonna move away
into a luxurious mansion.

My parents were
gonna visit me once.

They were gonna say,
"What a nice mansion.
We love you."

l was gonna say, "l love you too."
Then they would go away and die.

Does this make me
an asshole?

Hank, that jerk
that l was married to,
he was an asshole.

Mm-hm.
You're just, um--

Oh. Childish, immature and selfish?
That's right, l am.

You know how much money
l make thinking this way?

lt is economically
unsound to grow up.

lf l did grow up
and became an adult,
what would l do?

[♪♪♪]

Good afternoon, Nat.

Hi, Max.
Got any tips for me?

Yeah, don't go swimming
after a heavy meal.

Drop by later.
l have some girlie pictures.

Well, if they're as bad as last week,
keep them to yourself.

Mr. Yung, a prune Danish
and a seltzer.

You got it, Max.

Oomph.

Hello, Max.
Hey, Sal.

How's your wife?
She's fine.

Good. Send her my best,
huh, even though l know
she never liked me.

That makes two of us.
She never liked me either.

[LAUGHS]

He's a riot. Max Basner,
last of the old-time salesmen.

MAX:
The new pens arrived.

"Stolen from the desk--"
"Of Max Basner."

lt just so happens,

that this is a great sales gimmick.

lt's also a hell of a way
to meet women.

lf you were interested in sales
as much as women, we'd all be rich.

Don't you dare yell at me.

You're talking to Max Basner.

l've been the top salesman
in this company for 35 years.

Okay. l'm sorry, Max.

Mr. Keenan from New York
has been on my back.

Just do better, Max.

Okay? Just do better.

[DOOR OPENS]

[♪♪♪]

[SlGHS]

[DRAWER SLAMS]

DAVlD:
Over here, boss.

Come on, let's hit the pool.
Wait, first close your eyes.

All right,
l want an honest opinion.

Who are you grateful to?
Oh, it's you, Charlie Gargas.

Open your eyes
and don't laugh.

Oh, it's you.

l don't look too dumb in this?
No.

lt looks great. l want one.

They're using my photo in
Advertising Age Magazine.

lt's a horrible title for a magazine.
They're staring?

l heard a laugh.
Nobody's looking. Changing subject:

Colonial Airlines is up for grabs.
CHARLlE: l know.

Three agencies are being
asked to do presentations.

We have to be one of them.

l've set up a dinner between you
and the owner, Andrew Woolridge.

l've asked around about him.
He's a former Navy pilot.

He's private, he's cautious,
a man of few words.

Or maybe he's dumb, paranoid
and totally off his rocker.

Nobody knows for sure.

You're staring again.
What? No. Uh-uh.

Yes, you are. Uh...
No.

lt's time for the real test.
Real test?

Let's go. Follow me.
Come on.

DAVlD:
Looks good from the back.
Real test of what?

To see how it looks underwater.
lt'll look fabulous.

Hold this,
will you, please?

How's it look?

Uh-- lt's over there.

CHARLlE:
Oh, shit, it's sinking.

Mm.

[WATCH BEEPlNG]

Mm.

Room 432, please.

No, l'll try back, thank you.

Excuse me, do you happen
to have the time?

Yes, it is...

let's see, 7:30.

Before you know it
the Renaissance will be here
and we'll be busy painting.

What are you talking about?

That's a line from a movie.
Forget it, it didn't work.

lt's a Woody Allen movie.
Does that carry any weight?

No, it doesn't.

But it wasn't a disaster.

Heh. Why don't we just
try some honesty?

l have a business dinner
here tonight. The most
important in my career.

What career is it?
Advertising.

Somehow after
seeing you, it didn't seem
that important anymore.

My name is Basner,
David Basner.

David Basner,
l'm Cheryl Ann Wayne.

Cheryl Ann Wayne.

l don't know how long
my dinner's gonna take,

but would it be possible
afterwards to have a drink?

No, it wouldn't.

[SNlFFlNG]

Hey. ls my nose bleeding?
Huh? l just got tagged. Ouch.

You know how to do
the Heimlich maneuver?

Why, certainly, sir.

l'll have the trout.

DAVlD:
l'm here to see Andrew Woolridge.

WAlTER 1 :
This way, please.

Mr. Woolridge?

David Basner.

l appreciate you seeing me
for dinner. They serve
a notorious lobster bisque.

No dinner.

l'm sorry. No dinner?

Did l stutter? l said, no dinner.
l eat alone. We're having drinks.

l see.

l'll have a white wine spritzer,
please.

l said we're having drinks.
l'll have a Stoli on the rocks.

l'll get right to the point.

lt's great that you're considering
a Chicago-based agency.

New York is New York.
L.A., who knows what they are?

But Chicago is the U.S. of A.

Now, Boile, Gargas and Lionel
cannot wait to do a presentation.

So much so,
we're willing to do it on spec.

You know, sometimes
l eat my whole meal
just using my salad fork.

Really?

l'm sorry l'm gonna miss that.

Anyway...

Sorry l'm late. l had
to make phone calls.

l'm Cheryl Ann Wayne,
the media director
for Colonial Airlines.

l was with Capital Air in Boston--
ANDREW: You already have the job.

l wanna hear about him.

CHERYL ANN:
He's with one of three top
agencies in the Midwest.

They are particularly strong
with TV spots.

Basner's the new creative director.
He's good, but a little impulsive.

He tends to give up everything
for a pretty face.

And l wear bikini briefs.

WAlTER 2: lt's for you, Ms. Wayne.
Thank you. Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, Bill.

No, that won't do.
l need the report in the morning.

Yes, l'm holding.

You know,
l was meaning to ask you, sir,

by eating your entire meal
with the salad fork,
does that include the soup?

[LAUGHS]

You don't stay at the same hotel?
No, never where the boss stays.

l like my privacy.

Not that l often mix business
with pleasure like this,

but l have to make an exception
because l didn't eat.

This is nice.

Basner, let's talk.

One thing that makes it difficult
for a woman in the corporate world:

A label that she slept her way
to the top.

l don't have to do that.

l have an MBA from
the Wharton School of Business,

and all other credentials.

We will get along fine
if you remember to stay
on your side of the line.

And if you try to cross it,

l'm fully capable of
kicking you in the balls.

You know, l went
to the Wharton School.

That's a lie.
Yes, l'm lying, l'm sorry.

But l am protecting my balls,
just as at one time or another,

you have protected
your own.

[TlRES SCREECH]

Are you suggesting
that l come on too strong?

No, no. Well, not for a sumo wrestler.
VALET: Your car, ma'am.

Thank you.

Get in, Basner.
l beg your pardon?

Leave your car here and get in.
l'm taking you home.

Where do you live?
South Dearborn.

Good. l like new places.

[DAVlD MOANS THEN GRUNTS]

Well, l certainly am enjoying working
with Colonial Airlines so far.

Yeah?
Mm-hm.

l'm enjoying you. Definitely.

You don't have a presentation slide,
much less this account.

These are details
that l will handle.

You're cocky.
Mm-hm.

My father likes that.

Uh-huh? Well...

l'll have to meet him.
What does your father do?

He has a nice job
with Colonial Airlines.

Mm.
Yeah. He owns it.

Your father's Andrew Woolridge?
That's right.

You're Andrew Woolridge's
daughter?

l was in bed with a client's--
Your name is Wayne, not Woolridge.

That would mean
l've been in bed with
a client's married daughter.

Oh, way to go, Basner.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Don't tell me
you're a minor too?

lf you are, l'll turn myself in
to the authorities now.

Does your husband own anything?
There is no husband.

Wayne is my mother's
maiden name.

l use it because l don't want
to trade on nepotism.

You're still Woolridge's baby girl.
Basner, l'm a big girl.

l chose to come here.
Now l'm choosing to go.

You can handle it
any way you want.

Well, you don't
have to leave.

Why are you leaving?
Wait a minute.

l thought we'd spend
a little time together. Uh...

The before was
awfully quick.

The middle was nice.
Very-- Really nice.

But l was hoping
we could prolong

the after for a while.
Spend some time together.

l think we've spent
enough time together.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

All l know about you
is you look great in black,

and that you're very--
l work.

Busy.
l have meetings to prepare for.

This was nice,
but let's not make
an opera out of it.

Which door is it,
the gray or red?

The gray.
Oh, if you're going out,
it's the red.

l wanted to keep you for a while.
So l'm like a one-nighter then, huh?

Oh, l'm sure you've done this
plenty of times.

Listen, it has to be a one-nighter.

Basner, you're uncomfortable
being with the boss' daughter.

Seduced and abandoned...

DAVlD [OVER PHONE]:
Hello, David Basner.

Hi. Andrew Woolridge.
l want to meet me tomorrow at--

What?
We must have a bad connection.

Could you speak louder, please?
Sure.

Andrew Woolridge here.
l'd like you to meet me--

Wait, please speak into the phone.
I told you, l can't hear you.

l'm speaking into the damn phone.
This is Andrew Woolridge--!

Okay, okay, stop shouting.
It's not me, you got my machine.

Shouting isn't gonna bring
the beep any sooner.

So wait for the beep and relax
and thanks for calling.

[MACHlNE BEEPS]

ANDREW:
You've got a strange
sense of humor, Basner.

l like to play golf.

l've arranged for us to play tomorrow
at the Wackcucut Country Club.

And...

To be honest, this the first time
l've ever played golf.

l'm out here because l want
to work for Colonial Airlines.

A lot of people'd tell you
that kind of honesty is admirable,

but l won't.

That's it.
That's it. Yes.

Yes, Mr. Woolridge,
you were born to golf.

No doubt about it.

Oof!

Um-- No, Mr. Basner.
lt's the Size 4.

Max. The name is Max.

lf you don't buy anything,
it's Mr. Basner.

[WOMEN CHUCKLlNG]

Size 4.

WOMAN:
lt's the blue and white one
with the little sailboat on it.

Are you all right, Max?

[♪♪♪]

What kid wouldn't wear that
that lives in Chicago?

Max, Rough and Tough
did that six months ago.

Yeah, but they don't have
the colors. l have the colors.

Thanks, Lenna. l understand.

Maybe you'll take something
from the summer line.

Thanks again, Lenna.

Thanks for nothing.

[♪♪♪]

[HORN HONKS]

[MAX MUTTERS]

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

MAN:
Hey, mister.
You all right?

[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG
AND HORNS HONKlNG]

So how did it happen?

You don't need to know
how it happened.

l'm your father. l'm the one
you kept waiting two hours.

Let's go home.
Maybe your mother's
back by now.

l wouldn't know about that.

What are you talking about?

Well, l...
What are you saying?

She didn't say anything--
What did she say?

She found these cufflinks
of yours in her stuff,

and she asked me
to return them.

So she's not coming back.

Who the hell needs her?

Come on, get in the car.

MAN [OVER PA]:
Attention, club members.

The schedule for karate
and tai chi classes

is now posted
on the activity board.

David, guess what.
l got a job.

You never had a job.
What are you qualified to do?

Answering phones at
an insurance company.

And l'm brushing up
on my office skills and--

lt's wonderful.
People talk to me
and l get paid.

Want me to send you
to a typing class?

No, no.
Jane is helping me brush up.

David, it's wonderful to have a son
whose secretary cares about you.

DAVlD:
lsn't it about time for that
yoga class l paid for?

CHARLlE: David.
Charlie. Hi.

Does it work in the pool?
l gave up swimming.

l hear we might
have a shot. Say yes.

Yes. l'm reading about horse racing,
some guy named Tesio and ducks.

Widgeons, canvasbacks,
Donalds, Daffys, all ducks,
l know them.

Don't get too carried away
with Donalds and Daffys.

Be calm. This is
an important account.

LORRAlNE:
What account is it?

l'm sorry.
Lorraine, my mother, who works.

Charlie Gargas, whom l work for.
Oh.

How do you do?
This is your sister,
not your mother.

He's in advertising, watch out.
Delighted. Excuse me.

Listen carefully, now.
Three things:

Use your humor,

speak specifically about
the agency,

and what it stands for.

People. Products. Profit.

Make sure we get an appointment.
That's why l'm going there.

ls there a problem?
No. No problem.

l felt staring.
No, you didn't.

l'm between tai chi
classes. Excuse me.

That rug is the worst.
Do you think he realizes it?

He does now.
Have a nice yoga class, Mom.
Charlie.

LORRAlNE:
Enjoy your weekend, David.

Charlie. My mom was just
saying how young you look.

Thirty-five, she said.

[BlRDCALLS WHlSTLlNG]

Where the heck are the ducks?

[WHlSTLlNG UPBEAT TUNE]

This is how you blow it.

[BlRDCALL HONKS]

ANDREW:
Here they come. Up.

[GUNSHOTS]

DAVlD:
One thing l've learned
in advertising is let the work--

Dad, l'm going for more shells.

My daughter speaks highly of you.
She does?

She says you're a great lay.

She, uh, said that?

Yeah, my baby
tells me everything.

That's quite some
conversation for a daughter
to have with her father.

She's a very modern woman,
l raised her to be an executive.

l raised her to be a man.

So did my father,
but l don't tell him anything.

l don't want to hear
your life story.

Why don't you shoot
a few more fish?

Do you know anything about horses?
My father has a passion for horses.

Oh, breeding? Ha-ha.
No, betting.

l brought this very basic
information about the agency--

One of my prize stallions is
servicing Mr. Egan's best mares.

Cheryl Ann, why don't you
take David down to the barn?

l've got some business
to take care of.

We can talk about this
after the horses are done
servicing each other.

[RlCHARD MARX'S
"BURNlNG OF THE HEART" PLAYS]

♪ One after one
They give into the urge ♪

♪ Caught by some hand of desire ♪

♪ Held by the feeling
That brings them together ♪

♪ lt's all a mystery
When will they learn ♪

♪ lt's just emotion on fire? ♪

[HORSES WHlNNYlNG]

♪ That soul-taking, primitive
Passion of nature ♪

Well, aren't you going to
at least dim the lights?

♪ l try to run
l try to never fall apart ♪

[HORSE NElGHS]

♪ But love takes pleasure
From the burning of the heart ♪

♪ Burning of the heart ♪

Afterwards, what, back to
the barn for a cigarette?

[HORSES WHlNNYlNG]

♪ l see that look in her eyes ♪

♪ She's turning the heat
Of the moment up higher ♪

♪ And watching for questions
I have in my mind ♪

♪ She knows
Somewhere in our lives ♪

♪ lt's only love
That can find us an answer ♪

♪ And l
I try to run ♪

♪ l try to never fall apart ♪
♪ Never fall apart ♪

♪ But love takes pleasure
From the burning of the heart ♪

♪ Burning of the heart ♪

♪ And l
I try to run ♪

♪ l try to never fall apart ♪

♪ l try to run ♪

♪ But love takes pleasure ♪♪

DAVlD:
What do you mean he's preparing
them for me? l don't want them.

l don't want to have to
carry ducks on the plane.

Here's a little something to make
your city friends envious.

Oh, whoa, thank you.
Enjoy those.

Great. Great.

You know, you have
a beautiful farm here.

l love the ducks
and particularly the horses.

l was reading how
the stallion is responsible

for 60 percent of the characteristics
of the offspring.

But the mares are responsible for
40 percent of the get's traits.

At least, according to Tesio,
who l guess is the real expert.

You read Tesio?

As a hobby. Sometimes.

Tell your boss Colonial Airlines
will look at your presentation.

[♪♪♪]

[CHATTERlNG]

CHARLlE:
Memo to David Basner:

The date is set to present ideas
for the Colonial Airlines commercial.

You and your staff have two weeks
to come up with greatness.

l want that account, David.

Signed:
John, Paul, George and Ringo.

DAVlD:
Okay, okay, okay. Possibility.

Mishi, what do you got?

How about this?
You've got Colonial Airline, right?

"Co" stands for cooperation.
Cooperation.

"Lo" means you're never
gonna be lonely on the plane.

"Ni," you have plenty
of room for your knees.

And "ial,"
y'all have a good time.
Colonial.

No, no, no.
Come on, give it a chance.

"At Colonial Airlines
you don't have to worry
about getting hijacked.

We only have enough fuel
to get to our destination."

Colonial moves people.
Moves the family.

The family thing's the idea.

l understand that.
lt's a good concept.

Now, this is funny.
You're not gonna laugh at work,

but on the way home
you're gonna be cracking up.

MAN:
They're flying all over the country.

Brother, tell us how your
life has been shattered,

since you turned away from Colonial
and put faith in other airlines.

l was lost,
l had no leg room.
l had no pillow.

l couldn't even smoke.

So board me,
and feel the experience.

Fly Colonial Airlines.

You're an airplane?
What do you think?

Anybody wanna board Mishi?

No.
We need a grandma.

You said something
about a grandma.

One, two, three, four.

[BRlAN & MlSHl BEATBOXlNG]

♪ When you're on an airplane
ln a big and comfy seat ♪

♪ The fellow sitting next to you
ls one Arab Sheik ♪

♪ When you're flying to the sky
You're getting high ♪

♪ You're flying on Colonial
And that's no jive ♪♪

[BEATBOXlNG]

Can't we do this
in your office?

When you hit a dry spot,
you come back to where
you were hottest.

All right,
let's spin the art director.

[PEOPLE SlNGlNG]

TED, BRlAN & MlSHl:
♪ Colonial Airlines ♪

♪ Colonial ♪

♪ Airlines ♪♪

l like it.
lt's kind of bluesy.

You know what it is?
lt's a lousy idea.

But imagine if we use something
like this instead of slide show.

Yeah, real people.

Chances are this guy's having
countless agencies.

Look at a screen
for an hour and a half.

They're sick of that.
We have real people.

Anti-high tech, l love it.

DAVlD:
That's right. Live people,
a live presentation.

No gimmicks, no laser beams,
none of that. Anti-high tech.

[♪♪♪]

[MUMBLlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

Hugs the grandchildren.
Hugs the--

Hugs the special--
Special kids.

Yeah, holds them.
Hugs her special kids.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Get out of here.
l'm in pre-game.

Oh, l just came by
to wish you luck.

You're mighty hard
to get a hold of.

l think about you every time
l see a mounted policeman.

lt would be unfair to the competition.
l was worried about them too.

So, what happens if l get this
and we work together?

l think it'd be terrific.
We'll handle it.

The perfect executives?
We'd make a good team.

You know, l sense that,
but l don't know why.

You see something in me
you really like.

You see you.

l'll see you inside.

[PENClL THUDS]

Batman.

We're ready to start,
Mr. Woolridge.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WOMAN:
We're all set.

Good morning.

Our market research
shows that Colonial Airlines

is already getting
its share of business fliers.

Where there's room for improvement
is with the occasional traveler:

The family trade.

Now, we've come up with a campaign
that we feel targets this market.

Picture this:

[GUlTAR PLAYlNG]

A kindly old grandmother sits
in her house doing needlepoint.

[lN ELDERLY VOlCE]
Another day, another afghan.

A hot cup of tea sits
beside her on a table.

An afghan is tucked around her legs.
That's nice.

DAVlD:
The phone rings.

Brrrrng.
Hello?

Hello, Mom.
lt's a bad connection.

Hey, it's Grandma.
Tell her l hit my first homer.

Mom, come up for a couple of weeks.
DALE: That'd be great.

We see Grandma board
a Colonial airliner,

where she is made
very comfortable.

You comfortable, ma'am?
Oh. Call me Hattie.

All right.

DAVlD: They compare needlepoint.
DALE: Look.

The stewardess tucks a blanket
around her.

DALE: Thank you.
And brings her a nice hot cup of tea.

Grandma chats with
some of the other passengers.

DALE:
Hi there.

[lN lNDlAN ACCENT]
ln Bombay, l was an internist.

l'm on my way to Toledo
for a convention.

The plane lands.

At another airport, we see chauffeurs
holding signs with names of clients.

ls there
a Mr. T. Jones here?

[lN SPANlSH ACCENT]
Looking for Gonzalez over here.

DALE: What?
A boy holds a sign that says simply:

CAMERON: Grandma.
DALE: Jimmy.

We witness a family reunion.

Mom, it's so nice to see you.
Grandma.

How you've grown.

DAVlD:
As does the Colonial stewardess
who can't help but smile.

Bye, Hattie.
Tell your mom about lemon for colds.

See you in Toledo.
Bombay.

Caracas.
Where?

We cut to an armchair where
Grandma sits with those kids.

Warm enough?
[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE] l love you.

Her daughter brings
her a cup of tea.

Here's some tea, Mom.
You call me Hattie.

Grandma puts down that needlepoint
and hugs those special kids.

We're so glad you came.
Thanks, Grandma.

We dissolve to
the Colonial airliner flying off
into a glorious red sunset.

And we hear:

From your home,

to our home,

to their home.

Colonial Airlines,

your home in the skies.

Do you have anything else,
David?

Yes, but we're staying with this.
This is our strongest concept.

[♪♪♪]

DAVlD:
Who got an airline?
l got an airline.

You. l want to talk to you.
Wait a minute.

Who got it?
Not on the grass.

DAVlD:
Don't get up. Standing ovation.

Everyone knows l got an airline.

You got it. Congratulations.

Don't l get a hug?
That's a friend of mine.

But l deserve congratulations too.
Why?

Remember that grant l applied for
about a month ago?

They called me this morning
and l got it.

That's great.
How much?

Not a lot, but enough to produce
plays at the Gemini Theater.

The garage?
We're converting it.

This is what the world needs:
more theater in a garage.

l'll take you out. We'll both celebrate,
very expensive, snazzy dinner.

l can't take long.

You can't park on the lawn.
We're moving it right now.

This is a 4-wheel drive.
l couldn't find a place to park.

Who's he?
That's the dean of parking.

Oh. Who?
That's my boss, Dean Wood.

Wait. Robert, l'll call you, okay?

Bye-bye.
DAVlD: So long, Robin.

[NlCK HEYWARD'S
"OVER THE WEEKEND"
PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS]

ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]:
Welcome to the 1 0th Fashion Show
for young lads and little misses.

Hey. The Campbell brothers.

Here.

Have a personal pen
from Max Basner.

♪ Can't you see? ♪♪

When this is over,
come up and we'll talk.

[CHUCKLES]

That's Sal Mancuso.
He's one of my biggest customers.

How much business
has Sal given you lately?

His wife has been sick.

Come on, Max. Looks like all
your customers have sick families.

Don't worry.
Business will pick up.

ANNOUNCER:
A pink dress with
a Pilgrim collar in poly-cotton.

[PEOPLE CLAPPlNG]

That is a Super Togs.

Kristen is my personal choice
for model of the year.

Well, it's nice to see you, Max.
Nice to see you, Mr. Keenan.

Turn in your samples.

But that's my spring line.

Yes, but we have someone else
in mind to take care of that.

We're letting you go, Max.
You're fired.

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKlNG
lNDlSTlNCTLY]

ANNOUNCER:
ltem 1 6

is Adam, in poly-cotton
gray flannel trousers.

Look, Max, my kid's in the show.
l gotta run. l'll see you later.

We thank all the kids
who volunteered to model today,

plus all the kids whose
mothers dragged them
kicking and screaming.

[CROWD CLAPPlNG]

Goodbye, have a grand year, and
remember, Chicago Mart's motto is:

Be proud to be a salesman.

[♪♪♪]

[MAX GROANlNG]

[ROGER SPEAKlNG
lNDlSTlNCTLY]

Don't ad-lib the lines.
Stick to the copy.

Just sort of enjoy the language
and read the script.

Relax. Enjoy.

Oh, George.

They think up the commercials
for that go to Marketing upstairs,

and then to
the account executives.

These cubicles
are called the bullpen.
That's a baseball term.

Please step right over here,
and we'll take a little break.

Mm.

Just once l want to hear you say,
"l trust your creative judgment."

The third woman does
not look like a grandmother.

She looks like a hooker.

l know hookers. She's no hooker.
We have plenty of grandmas.

Heads up, tour coming.

All l'm trying to say is grandmothers
are getting younger every day.

MAX:
Do you know
David Basner?

Number two had
a geriatric youthfulness.

l need some input. David--
Will you come to my office?

Where have you been?
l've been in the lobby
for 20 minutes.

l got cramps
from these lousy grapes.

lt's the afternoon, Dad.
l work here.

Aren't you gonna introduce me?
No.

ln five years, this is the first time
you've driven past the building.

Well, l had no coffee
at the apartment.

l thought maybe
you'd have some.

You know, this is something.
Secretaries. Offices.

lt's a regular big deal.
What do you want?

Not here.

Dad, l got a promotion
so l could have an office.

See my name?
Not here.

Can't you give
your father five minutes?
Let's take a drive.

MAX:
Why don't get yourself
a regular car?

DAVlD:
lt's a Jeep, Dad.
l look good in it.

This goddamn car. You have to
be a mountain climber to get in it.

[ENGlNE STARTS]

[ARETHA FRANKLlN'S
"UNTlL YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME"
PLAYlNG ON CAR STEREO]

Want one? They're Honduran.
No.

Can't get the Cubans anymore.
No, thank you.

♪ That's where l find
Protection from the rain ♪

l lost my lines.

♪ Since you've been gone ♪

They fired me.

♪ Ooh, boy ♪♪

[ENGlNE TURNS OFF]

What are you gonna do?

l know you hate me,

but you have to help me.

No. No, you don't.

You take Grandma from the cold
and send her to the warm.

That way she doesn't
get pneumonia and die.

You help her with her rheumatism.

We can have dinner. Macaroni.
Oh, l can't, Dad. l've got a date.

l got you X-rated action
on every page:

Eros, the new Macho,
Hot and Sexy Mature Women.

You know, that's something
we always had in common.

Who?
My father. You. Me.

We could always
talk a girl into bed.

l'm glad you still can, Dad.

You need asparagus?
l can't.

l can't do it anymore.

Hi, hi.
Hi.

You wanted that clock?
l hope it'll do.

This is a flashlight.
There was something else.

[DOG WHlMPERlNG]

Thank you.
What is that? Oh. That's right.

Look at that, Mom.
Look, it's a dog.

Oh, David.

Oh. Where did you get him?
Down at the pound.

Does he have papers?

No. Well, he gets the Tribune.
He's not house-trained.

Oh. David, thank you.
Oh, someone to love.

See you later, Mom.
Bye, David. Thanks.

Oh, you're so sweet. Oh.
Did that scare you?

Who is studying psychology?
Economics? Philosophy?
That's good.

Advertising is the applied distillation
of everything we know.

Ask Mr. Buzzword. l love what l do.
l'm not writing the great novel.

l don't have a manuscript.
l don't want to direct movies.

l like advertising.
lf you think you like it,
give it a shot.

Just remember, if you choke,
you could end up like Mr. Buzzword.

lsn't that right, Ted?
Heh-heh. Thanks, David.

Mr. Basner loves to kid. Ha-ha.

What's the dilemma?

DALE:
What kind of chair
to put Grandma in.

What kind are there?
Excuse me?

DAVlD: What?
Dad.

DALE: Shaker?
How about an electric chair?

[♪♪♪]

Yeah?

DAVlD:
Come on.

Put it back.
Put it back.

Shame on you. l'm sorry.

Get in the car.

DAVlD [OVER PHONE]:
Cubitode is a smalltime bookie.

You don't know Cubitode.

He's talking about kneecaps.
They don't break kneecaps for $75.

You bought your mother a car.

For chrissake,
aren't my knees worth $75?

DAVlD:
Didn't we do that yesterday?
Hello, Dad. No, Mom--

Where do you need to go?
MAX: I need a cleaning lady.

LORRAlNE:
You missed my birthday, David.

DAVlD:
They have buses out to the track.

JANE: Your mother.
MAX: I've got a serious problem.

LORRAlNE: The dog wants to say hi.
MAX: I know it's 2:00 in the morning.

DAVlD:
Mom, the AA doesn't tow your car.
They're the one who help alcoholics.

Yes, l'm sorry l bothered you.
Goodbye.

MAX: l'm the father he's ashamed of.
LORRAlNE: Nice.

JANE: Father's on 7, mother's on 8.
DAVID: I was in a meeting.

MAX:
Don't put your father on hold.

l knew him
before he had conferences.

JANE: It's your mother again.
DAVlD: That's it.

l can't.
JANE: Father's on 4.

LORRAlNE: I'm your mother.
DAVID: l'll be there as soon as I can.

You just called an hour ago.

[DRUMMlNG ON DOOR]

[DRUMMlNG CONTlNUES]

Who is it?
DAVlD: David, come on, open up.

They're driving me crazy.
Who?

Max and Lorraine.
Can l come in?

David, it's midnight.
l gotta talk to you.

They're driving me crazy.
No, l can't. Shh!

This better be important.
Everything is coming true.

Have we been drinking?
Just a little, not too much.

lt's always "Pick up dry-cleaning,
help with groceries,

l can't drive, take me somewhere,
David, David, David."

lt's beginning to affect
my work, Donna.

l feel like David
the Swedish au pair boy.

l bought my mother a dog.

MAN: Donna? Sweetheart?
DONNA: Just a minute.

David, l'm not alone.

[GASPS]

Sit here and stay calm.

Stay.

[PANTlNG]

[DOOR SLlDES OPEN]

What's happening?
l heard drumming.

An old friend is having a problem.
Now?

Yeah. His parents have split up.
Well, how old is he?

DONNA:
l just gotta talk to him.

l really gotta apologize
for barging in like this.

l'm sorry. But l won't be long.

DONNA: He's drunk.
No, l've just had a couple Scotches.

l know you. We met.

You're in Psychology. Roland--

Robert.
DAVlD: Robert!

Robert, you're naked. Ha-ha!

l'm sorry, l came
at a real bad time.

Wanna know what she really likes?
David. l am gonna kill you.

Hey, l'm talking with Robert.

She and l were like this
in high school.
Sometimes like this.

We went steady
for a really long time.
l like her.

Got a lot of energy.
Her middle name is Mildred.

Oh! David, l will use this.
Hates that. Donna Mildred Martin.

l'm talking about the nervous
breakdown caused by my parents.

Remember my angry voice?
l'm an only child. Their breakup...

Get out. Get Out.
l mean, they don't--

Wait, don't get up.

She'll put you back in the mood.
That is not fair.

Your friend obviously
has unresolved conflicts.

Please don't give me that
psychoanalytic bullshit, please.

My life's endeavors are bullshit?
Glad this came up. l should go.

No, don't go, please.
l'm sorry.

Just give me a minute
with him, please.

Just a minute, promise.

l don't believe it.

You've still got it.
Where are these kids, huh?

David S. Basner, the swim team,
junior class treasurer,

and Donna, mm-hm, Martin,
drama club. Emily, Our Town.

Maria, West Side Story.

Golden high school moments.
They were fabulous.

l would like to talk about tonight.
Did you hear me screaming?

l can't think of you
being with another guy.

You never ask.

David, l'm sorry,
but we can't do this anymore.

Who else am l gonna talk to?
You're my pal.

l don't want to be that.

l wanna move on. l want
to have a real relationship.

With Robert?
With Robert, or someone else--

Did you change your hair?
No.

Something's different.
No.

ls the bathrobe new?

The bathrobe is old. You've seen it.
No, l haven't.

You wore it.
l wore the pink one.

This is pink.

You looked great in it.

Well, let me try it on.
No.

l want to see if it fits.
Listen to me.

l won't be your
emotional pit stop anymore.

An emotional pit stop anymore,
you won't be that.

An "emotional pit stop."
That's beautiful.

Did Robert tell you
this kind of term?
Emotional pit stop.

Like check under the hood,

and examine my heart
and my mental attitude?

And how l'm doing?
How secure l feel,
and all that?

lt's lovely.
That's psychology, isn't it?

"Psychoanalytical bullshit,"

l think you described it.

l'll remember that.
Does Robert wear the robe?

Go home, David.

[CARLY SlMON'S
"lF lT WASN'T LOVE" PLAYS]

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

♪ Funny sometimes
How you think ♪

♪ You found someone ♪

♪ Out of all the others you recall ♪

♪ He stays a little longer
On your mind ♪

♪ The only one ♪

♪ When life becomes
The hardest place to fall ♪

♪ lf it wasn't love at all ♪

♪ Then what were all those feelings
And why? ♪

♪ lf it wasn't love at all ♪

♪ Can't l just go on dreamin'? ♪

♪ Starting out at zero
We built it up ♪

♪ Built it up ♪

♪ And made it more than
Most will ever do ♪

♪ Maybe it was just
ln times of need ♪

♪ We stayed in touch ♪

♪ But not enough
To last one whole life through ♪

♪ lf it wasn't love at all ♪

♪ Then what were all those feelings
And why? ♪

♪ lf it wasn't love at all ♪

♪ Can't l just go on dreamin'? ♪

♪ Can't l just go on dreamin' ♪
Tonight?

♪ Can't l just go on dreamin' ♪

♪ Tonight? ♪

♪ lf it wasn't love at all ♪

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

♪ l might as well ♪♪

l just can't seem to drive.
l can get around okay.

You read the racing form like this.
l like to study the charts.

You study it so close
you got ink stains on your eyeballs.

So let's go.
All right.

l'll go up,
but l'm going up alone.

Now, you're in a loading zone.
Get going before you get a ticket.

You told me you'd see the doctor,
you didn't.

l wanna make sure.

Don't, David. Don't embarrass me.

They're gonna think l'm some kind of
old guy that can't take care of myself.

l wanna know what the doctor says.
Certainly.

Call me.

All right.
Call me.

DAVlD:
Aw, wait a minute. Wait.
l had this thing timed.

The bridge is up,
l couldn't go anywhere. Wait.

All right, give me the ticket.

l bet you're disappointed
you didn't get to tow it.

That would have made your day.

[POP MUSlC PLAYlNG
ON CAR STEREO]

[TlRES SCREECHlNG
AND JEEP PULLS AWAY]

[♪♪♪]

l'd much rather
sleep in my own bed.

l don't have a change
of clothing for tomorrow.

Are you worried about tomorrow?
No.

We've shot millions of commercials
and we could do this one blindfolded.

As a matter of fact,

why don't we actually go ahead
and shoot this commercial,

with the director blindfolded?

This is a joke.
This is a joke, Cheryl Ann.

l'm making a joke.

You're cute.

Cute.

Get some sleep.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Ahem. Hello?

Hi, Jo-Jo. What's going on?

[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG]

Three beers
and 1 0 air balls.

DAVlD:
Thanks for calling, Jo-Jo.

Whoo!

You've got nice moves.
Ha-ha. Thank you.

l used to play
for St. Mary's. Ah.

Shoot.

l missed.

What's the score?
You're still up by two.

Hi, David.
Hi, Mom.

This is my son.

You told me
you hang here sometime,
that the people are nice.

Why don't you put on your shoes,
and come out of the cage?

Not many guys have said that
to their mother.

Thank you, Mr. Wellington. Oh.
Lloyd.

l went out on a date tonight.
With Lloyd?

No, he's just a friend.
l am so thirsty.

Come on, l'll buy you a drink.
Lloyd drooled on your shoes.

l went out on a date,

with a pediatrician
l met in yoga class.

Dr. Bedsole.

And we had
a wonderful time.

We went to a movie,
had some sushi.
lt was a great time.

Sounds great.

So why do l hear
that you were crying
and looking for me?

Ed Bedsole,

kissed me,

and l got scared.

Well, why should that scare you?

l just didn't know
how to respond.

l didn't know whether
l liked it or hated it.

No one's done that
in a long time.

Your father hasn't
kissed me for years.
There was nothing.

For 30 years there was nothing.
No love, no passion. Nothing.

He never left. He was always there.

To eat. And sleep.
And go to the toilet.

He cheated on me.
Everyone knew that.

He humiliated me.
Do you know that?

You never said anything.
Why didn't you say anything to me?

You were just a little boy.

You said your funny little things,
and you ran out of the house.

Then, when you moved away,

you didn't come around much.

Christmas,
and flowers on my birthday.

Coral-pink roses.
And a Mother's Day phone call.

Once from Hawaii.

Well, l'm here now.

l know you're here now.

l have a chance to talk about this,
but l am embarrassed.

l mean, this is not what a mother
should be saying to her son.

l wish l'd been
a better mother, David.

You did fine.
No. No.

l wanted to do better.

l didn't even do fine.

l wanted to do more for you, David.

Excuse me,
l'm going to the ladies' room.

Are you crazy?
lt's 4:00 in the morning.

You just tell me.
What did you do to her?

Do to who?

My mother's afraid to
let another man touch her.
What the hell did you do?

l gave her a name.
That's what l did.

l gave her a son.

l gave her food and clothes
for 36 years.

l did pretty good.
You ever tell her that you loved her?

That's none of your
goddamn business.

Yeah, it is my business.
lt is my business.

She's my mom.
You cheated on her.
Then you made her feel dirty.

You have no right
to talk to me like that.

That's between your mother and me.
lt has nothing to do with you.

l grew up in this house.
You kicked me in the ass
for 20 years.

lt looks like
you're doing pretty good.

You're in a Jeep, making money,
boffing everything in sight.

l must have done
something right.

So now you approve of me
now that l'm an adult?

You never approved of me
when l was a kid.

l never knew
what you were talking about.

You were a moody little shit.

Every time l went in to take a pee,
you're holding a funeral
for seahorses.

Why don't you get
the hell out of here?

l wanna know
what you did to my mother.

You want to know,
so l'll tell you.

From the very first night
on our honeymoon,

she laid there like a wet rag.

She was frigid, David.
Your mother was frigid.

Wouldn't do what l asked her to do.
She didn't know anything.

Right out of the Catholic school,
those things repulsed her.

When you go to bed--
When you go to bed,
you want to have fun.

l was her husband, goddamn it.
l wanted some pleasure.

So l went out
and got it someplace else.

Yeah, of course you did.

Your best friend is your dick.

And where did l learn that?

That's great. The four of us
will go out to lunch someday.

You ran around
and came here to sleep
like it was a boarding house.

That's where l grew up,
a boarding house.

Thank you. l found out what
you did to Mom and to me.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

lt was tough,
very tough,

all of those dreadful things
l did to you.

But that's how l was brought up.
And l did the best l could.

Tomorrow l'm doing
a commercial about a family
that cares for each other.

l'm faking it.

MlSHl:
My name is Michelle Wilson.
Call me Mishi.

Sometimes we have difficulty
with our black-and-white monitors.

See that bouncing black bar?

lt helps when you go like that.
lt disappears.

Not like that. Up and down.

WOMAN 1 : Ready?
Can't we watch over there?

MlSHl: Sure.
Quiet, please.

We're rolling.

MAN:
Colonial Airlines, 4-8, Take 1 .

WOMAN 2:
Mark.

ROGER:
Snow, Bernie.

And action.

We're pulling back, it's a cold day.

We reveal Grandma
sitting by the hearth,

and the phone rings.

Cut. Cut.

"Cut"? Did you say "cut"?

No, no. l say "cut."
l'm the director.
l say "action" and "cut."

lf you wanna be a director,
learn to say "action."

You know how to say "cut."
Do you hear me?

Okay, Bernie, what are you doing?
lt's supposed to be gentle.

What are we going to do?
This woman is drunk.

l know. Roger?
ROGER: Yes? Yes?

Didn't you do a spot
for drunk driving?

l thought she could handle it.
Here's a casting tip:

Next time,
hire a sober actress.

Not in front of
the clients, please.

You don't need a bullhorn.

She is hard of hearing.

She's drunk and deaf?
How'd she even know
she got the job?

l did not hire
this actress, sir.

Don't be so testy.

This is the face
Colonial Airlines wants.

So we will make it work.
Yes, yes, we will.

We will pour coffee down her,
whatever it takes.

And get me some coffee.
JANE: Coming up.

ROGER:
Billy, do we have decaf?

This snow is still too thick.
Practice, Bernie.

My father wants to have lunch today.
No, l don't have time to have lunch.

Bernie, can we make the flakes
actual flakes?

lt was just a little problem.
The coffee cup was wet
and it slipped.

She's such a sweet old lady.
We're gonna give her a break.

l wanna show you the stage
where we have the terminal set up.

What are you doing with this?
Get this out of here. Check later.

Where's the kid? Still in school?

We're not quite ready.
You can step out while we set up.

DAVlD: What is this?
A housecat.

You want something
more exotic?

When did we get a housecat?
Roger said get a cat.

Lose the cat. Roger.
ROGER: Yeah?

Get it out of here.
A cat?

l thought it would be interesting
for her to say goodbye to it.

Oh, that's a good idea.
Yeah.

Let's do a commercial
about a grandma

who abandons a cat
in the dead of winter,

so she can romp
with her grandkids.
Good idea, Rog.

We can get coverage
of the cat trying to get
some nourishment.

The starving,
scrawny cat.

Any other animals
that Grandma can torture
before she leaves?

Maybe throw a squirrel
in the fireplace?

We don't want to work
in advertising anymore,
do we? No.

What are you looking at?
Go smash this with a hammer.

Let's take a break.
We haven't had too many today.

What are these people--?
Just relax.

Come on. lt's me. Come on.

[SlGHS THEN
CLEARS THROAT]

Why don't you
just go home, huh?

What's the problem?
l'm sorry.

l had a real bad night
last night. l'm sorry.

You laying some bad pipe?
No, it's nothing like that.

What?
My old man.

l don't talk to my old man
so l wouldn't know about that.

You remember the time
we were working at
the mailroom?

Found out we were
all gonna be fired so
we shredded all the mail?

Look at us now, huh?

These people believe that
we know what we're doing.

lt's a laugh, isn't it?

Come on, we said we'd do it
as long as it was fun.

Why don't you just go home?
Go to Lincoln Park.

Let me take care of things.
lf we have to reshoot, so what?

lt's just a commercial.

Come on,
let me see those eyes.

Right. All right.

[SlGHS]

[COUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

You want coffee?

Sorry about the cat.
Just keep an eye on things.

ls he coming back?
l don't know.

He told me to keep
an eye on things.

Ms. Wayne wants the--
The reword copy. l know.

You don't make jokes
with me anymore.

You liked those jokes?

Yeah.

So did l.

[JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG
OVER SPEAKERS]

[KNOCKlNG]

Hey, Dad?

Dad?

Come on, Dad.

All right.

l'm sorry.

l called all week.
l'm tired of you hanging up on me.

l bought some groceries, Dad.

Dad, Mom is sitting like a zombie
trying to recover from her one date.

l don't even know what
you're doing in there.

Let me take you out tonight, huh?

You pick the place. We'll go listen
to some of that music you like.

That's jazz, right? Jazz music?

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

Come on.

[PLAYlNG JAZZ MUSlC]

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

[PEOPLE CLAPPlNG]

Doesn't that do something to you?

Doesn't that do something to you?
No.

Can we go? lt's 4 in the morning.
What 4 in the morning?

Oh.

Dad, where are
your new glasses?

l lost my slipper someplace.

Dad?
Where are your new glasses?

They're being fixed.
They didn't fit right.

On behalf of the
Unlisted Jazz Band, that's it.

Wait a minute, Conrad.
One more time.

Max, give us a break.
lt's closing.

l haven't even drank
my minimum.

All right, Max.
For you, one more time.

"When the Saints."
One, two, one.

[BAND PLAYlNG "WHEN
THE SAlNTS GO MARCHlNG lN"]

You didn't go in.

You didn't go in to
see the doctor, did you?

l'm gonna get your goddamn slipper.
Then l'm taking you home.

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

MAX:
l'm not staying
in this lousy hospital.

l'm feeling fine.
l'm going home.

Let me out of this chair.
Let me out of this chair.

Let me out of this thing.

Get your hand off.
You wanna start with malpractice?

lt's all right. l'll handle this.

You'll handle nothing.
This has to be done tomorrow.

Tomorrow, bullshit.
l won't be here tomorrow morning.

lf anybody touches my legs,
l'll brain the son of a bitch.

DAVlD:
You've got no choice.
No choice.

l knew he'd find
something wrong.

Because something
is wrong with you.
Put this on.

l don't wanna.
Your ass hangs out.

Then don't sleep
on your stomach.

There's no sense hanging
anything up because
l'm getting out of here.

DAVlD:
The last thing he says
is don't tell his friends.

He doesn't want them
to know he's sick.

How serious is it?

He could lose his legs.

Definitely parts of both feet.

But he'll live?

Well, the doctor gave me
the usual malpractice bullshit.

He said that
it's a major operation,

and that with patients
of Dad's age and condition,

complications could
set in because of the
anesthesia and shock.

That means that he could...

Means that he could die.

He could cash it in,
buy the farm, kick the bucket,

have his soul hurled into the void,
shuffle loose the mortal coil.

All right, David. That's enough.

l knew he was sick.

He knew too.
That's why he didn't
go to the doctor.

But you don't die from diabetes.

You do if you let it go this long,
Mom.

lt's the number three cause of death.
Number one cause of new blindness.

l read all these little tidbits
in a pamphlet at the hospital.

Well, it's not my fault
that it went this far.

He knew he was sick.
He didn't go to the doctor.

He is a grown man.
l couldn't make him go.

And he smokes cigars
before breakfast.

l mean, it's not my fault.

l know, Mom.

Let me make you French toast.
No, l'm late for work.

♪ Your home to our home ♪

♪ To their home ♪

♪ Colonial Airlines ♪

♪ Your home in the ♪

♪ Sky ♪♪

DAVlD:
Are there any questions?

MAN 1 :
We've just acquired
three jumbo aircrafts.

But you didn't mention them.

Well, we're all very excited
about the acquisition.

But that's a small percentage of
Colonial's fleet. That's a negative.

We chose instead
to emphasize that Colonial
has more short-range flights.

Next question?

Colonial has
a perfect safety record.
You didn't say that.

Because it could backfire.

People think you've just been lucky,
wonder when that is gonna run out.

lt's very impressive and we'll use it,
but not in mass market. lt's too iffy.

MAN 2:
Suppose we insisted.

l'd talk you out of it.
lf you couldn't?

Then l'd walk away. lt's a bad move.
l'm not gonna be responsible for it.

Good enough.
Who cares about safety records?

This man has a campaign to do.

l believe this campaign
is gonna knock them on their duff.

You've got one hour to get clothes
and meet me at the airport.

We've got that final
presentation in New York.

Oh, yeah,
that would be today.

l'm sorry, Mr. Woolridge,
l can't make it. Mustard.

What?

l'm not going. My father is ill.

Well, put him in a hospital.

l did, but he's about
to have surgery
and l want to be there.

Why?

l just said
we've got a meeting.

Oh, l heard you, twice.
l told you l'm not going.

ANDREW: Where's Charlie Gargas?
JANE: ln Los Angeles.

Get him
on the phone.

He'll be back this--
Now.

Mr. Woolridge,
Ted Geller can go.

l hired you.
He's familiar with all of this.

Would you talk to him?

Basner, it's critical that you make
the presentation to our board.

Now, you have good doctors.
You don't have to stay.

No, l don't, but l'm going to.

You're not going
to go to New York?

l'm saying
l'm not going to New York.

Look, l'm serious.
l've had enough of this.

lf you want this account,

you'll get up off your ass,
get packed...

l'm counting now.

One.

Two.

Three.
Jesus Christ.

Four.

He really is counting.
Five. Six.

This is the 20th century,
Mr. Woolridge.

l'm not some shit-kicker
from off of your farm.

Ten!

Look, l've done the job.
Take my stuff.

Do whatever you want to do with it,
but for the fifth time, l'm not going!

And don't you ever
fucking touch me again!

Fire him.

Quite a performance.

What do you do for an encore,
burn down a building?

Did you just make a joke?

You did, didn't you?

You just made a joke.
Not a great joke,
but you made a joke.

Cheryl Ann.

You made light of a heavy situation.
A sense of humor.

You do, you have one.

l worked damn hard
on this with you.

l thought that l was working with
a professional.

l'm as committed
to my work as you.

l'm the one that's going to New York.
You're staying here.

We think we have different priorities.
We do.

And l'm surprised too.
l thought we were the same.

That's what's so disappointing.
We were a good team.

l looked forward to seeing you
every morning.

Wondering what you were
gonna wear, what you were say,

and how you were
gonna tease me,

and when we'd find time
to make love.

You made all of these
exhausting hours fun.

That l'm gonna miss
because it's hard to find.

l'll miss you, David.

Very much.

You're fired.

You know,
l liked being with you too.

Someday you're gonna make some
lucky corporation one hell of a CEO.

Ms. Wayne,
your limo's waiting downstairs.

l do hope your father's okay.

Do you have my copies, Jane?

JANE:
They're on my desk.
l'll meet you there.

Hey, will you get out?
l'm creating. l'm thinking.

This is where l do
my best work. Get out.

Oh, jeez, it's only the boss.

l was sleeping.

l'm sorry l was in L.A.
l missed all the fireworks.

You know everyone in L.A.
has purple and green hair?

l saw someone
that drew the hair in.

Here l am buying hair.
l'll never understand that place.

Did we lose the account?

No, l calmed Woolridge down.

l told him that l'd have you
thrown naked out of a jet.

You know,
the usual punishment.

l didn't get to be a partner
by accident.

l'll apologize to you,
but not to anyone else.

Just been having some problems
dealing with all of this.

Join the club.

[♪♪♪]

At the end,

l had my father in a nursing home.
lt was the best in lllinois.

l didn't get a chance
to visit him much.
l was busy.

But l figured
he was well cared for.

He was a little senile.
Not much.

Finally, when l got around
to seeing him,

he didn't recognize me
until the day he died.

He didn't remember
who the hell l was.

Here l thought you'd be
the perfect son, Charlie.

No, they tell me there
was only one of those guys.

You take care of what
you've got to take care of,

l'll take care of Woolridge.

Thanks.

[SlREN WAlLlNG]

Brought you some stuff from home.

MAN:
Okay, all finished.

Thank you, Harvey.
Wait a minute, Harvey.

Here. Have a pen.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

You're welcome.
Bye-bye.

You're gonna be fine.

l'll be fine as long as
you don't do the operation.

Oh, come on.
l could have been a great doctor.

You could have been
a great anything.

Um... Today was crazy at work,
but l'm gonna be here.

l'm just gonna go home,
change my clothes,
get cleaned up.

l'll be here tomorrow
when they take you.

l'll be here when you come back.

ln other words, you'll be here.

Why don't you get out now
so l can get some sleep?

Or l'm gonna be grumpy
in the morning,

and l won't enjoy the operation.

Well, see you tomorrow.

[DOOR OPENS]

[WOMAN SPEAKlNG
lNDlSTlNCTLY OVER PA]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG]

[FOOTSTEPS]

l don't have any blood left,
so you can get out.

Oh.

l was in the neighborhood.

What's new? How are you doing?

Fine. l'm doing fine.

l take your word for it.

Can l offer you something?

Cookie? Glass of water?
Some morphine?

Heh. Thank you.
l'll take a cookie.

David brought them.

They're that delicious
diabetic kind.

lt's the only thing
they'll let me eat around here.

l could be dead tomorrow.
They're putting me on a diet.

[LAUGHS]

l can still make you laugh, can't l?

When you wanted to,
you could make me laugh.

Right from the beginning.

l was one charming guy, wasn't l?

To everybody except my mother.
Shit.

LORRAlNE:
Oh. Ha-ha.

Oh, what were we, Max?

Two kids who thought if you
went out on a couple of dates,
you got married.

What couple of dates?
We went out eight or nine times.

Come on,
we had plenty of laughs.

l even tried to teach you how
to drive that old Hudson.

l wish there were
more things like that.

More moments.

We lived together a long time, Max,
but we were never friends.

Lorraine, you didn't know
how to have fun.

Why didn't you teach me?
l tried.

l tried a million goddamn times.
No, just a few times.

And then you just gave up on me.
You did the same thing.

Why didn't we talk, Max?

Why didn't we tell each other
how we felt?

Do you know
what we were, Max?

We were roommates.

Goddamn you for doing
what you did to yourself.

What you did to us.

Oh, God,
what happened to us, Max?

l cared.

l know l cared.

Bullshit.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SOBBlNG]

[♪♪♪]

l'm here, Dad.

You're here.

lt's Honduran, Dad.

ln case they give you
time for a smoke break.

ATTENDANT:
Excuse me. We have to
take him to surgery now.

You look so distinguished, Charlie.
lt's coming along great.

Could we have some makeup?
We have a bit of a shine.

Thanks.

Mr. Gargas has a phone call.
l'll be back.

Everybody, let's take five minutes.
Thank you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

David, how is he?

He lost his toes and part of one foot,
but he'll walk again with a cane.

Thank God it wasn't worse.
When are you coming back to work?

You're missing my photo session
with a naked head.

l don't know.

l don't know, Charlie.

Why don't you give my accounts
to Ted Geller till l come back.

Babysitting your father
will drive you crazy in a week.

Well, maybe.

But l wanna get to know him.

You never know, he may get
to know me a little too.

Good luck, kid.

Thanks, Charlie.

[STRETCHER SQUEAKlNG]

Hey, don't give up
my window.

Bye-bye.

Orderlies will put him to bed
in a moment.

Thank you.

[CRYlNG]

l filled the refrigerator
so there will be something
here when he comes home.

And l have some keys for you.
You'll be needing a second set.

Um...
l won't be coming back.

[♪♪♪]

Your father might not
be getting any better, David.

He's going to need a lot of care.

l can't...

l mean, he and l, it's just, uh...

lt's just impossible.

lt just doesn't work.

l know, Mom.

Do you hate me for that?

No.

l do not hate you.
You're my mom.

Oh. Heh.

Call me.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[PEOPLE CHEERlNG
AND CLAPPlNG]

l am shocked.

Put this down.

Thank you.

Go and get the car.
Yeah.

The blue station wagon, right?
Oh, thanks. Ha-ha-ha.

l found you.

l'm taking Max home
from the hospital today.

Your mother told me.

Thank you for coming
around so much.

Oh, that's okay. Uh--

You're welcome.

For your theater, l bet.

The school donated them.
All three of them?

Well, it's a start.

The kids went to get my car.
My parking place is in Detroit.

You're the only girl l went out with
that my parents ever liked.

l'm the only girl you went out with
that your parents ever met.

This is comfortable.

This is very comfortable.

l think so too.

[♪♪♪]

This is a lovely outfit
your son bought you.

He's always buying me
something.

Good luck. And thanks for the pen.
You're welcome, Gina.

We're signed out. Paid the bill.
Do you people work on commission?

The orderly will be at the elevator.
Thank you.

You all right?

That Gina gives a good sponge.

Let's get out of here.

You're the last person l thought
would ever come through for me.

[CHRlSTOPHER CROSS'
"LOVlNG STRANGERS" PLAYS]

♪ Everyone's on a road
Of their own ♪

♪ Everyone's gotta find
A heart a home ♪

♪ Loving strangers
That's you and me ♪

♪ Gonna know the way to love
Is a little honesty ♪

♪ Everybody needs to know ♪

♪ That there will one day come
A someone just in time ♪

♪ Everyone's on a road
Of their own ♪

♪ Everyone's gotta find
A heart a home ♪

♪ Loving strangers
That's you and me ♪

♪ Gonna know the way to love
Is a little honesty ♪♪

[THE THOMPSON TWlNS'
"NOTHlNG lN COMMON" PLAYS]

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Need a helping hand ♪

♪ Of all the people in the world ♪

♪ l hoped you'd understand ♪

♪ You and me ♪

♪ Have grown so far apart ♪

♪ Don't show me
Faded photographs ♪

♪ Just tell it from the heart ♪

♪ And after all
That we've been through ♪

♪ Don't you know l feel for you? ♪

♪ We've got nothing in common ♪

♪ But so much to lose
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Whoa, now, at times
I wanted to shake you, break you ♪

♪ Bring you to your knees ♪

♪ Oh, now, at times
I wanted to touch you, hold you ♪

♪ Help me, help me, please ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Such a crying shame ♪

♪ You know l loved you then ♪

♪ You know l love you now ♪

♪ And nothing else has changed ♪

♪ After all that we've been through ♪

♪ Don't you know l feel for you? ♪

♪ We've got nothing in common ♪

♪ So much to lose
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ After all that we've been through ♪

♪ Don't you know l feel for you? ♪

♪ We've got nothing in common ♪

♪ So much to lose ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪♪