All language subtitles for American Housewife - 03x12 - AVS

Mecca lecca hi mecca hiney ho!

Ta-da!

Uh, I can see the tissues
under your arm.

What are you doing?
You're supposed to ignore that,

act amazed, and reward me with
an ice cream sandwich.

You are not six anymore.

You are going to have
to try harder to amaze me.

Just a heads-up, I'm staying for dinner.

These are my food allergies.

Oh, come on.

- Should I get these boots, Mom?
- Sure.

I assume they're a gift for a new friend

who's also a hooker.

So you're not gonna get them for me?

No way. Why would you wear
open-toed boots?

Boots are a cold-weather item.

Next you'll want...

a down jacket without any sleeves.

You mean a vest?

Oh, yeah, bad example.

I've done everything you've asked of me.

I joined the school musical.

I'm taking the PSAT.

Can't you just meet me halfway

and reward me for all my hard work?

How about I meet you right here

and don't give you jack squat?

I'm so tired of you shutting me
down all the time.

I am your mother.

Shutting you down is in
my job description.

Just like you rolling your eyes at me

is in your job description.

You're very good at your job!

Oliver, why don't you stay

and help me build Luthor's new doghouse?

It'll be a fun father-son project.

We just did a father-son project.

We carried an unbuilt doghouse
from the car to the backyard.

- I'll always remember it, Dad.
- Come on.

We'll listen to music,
work a couple hours,

take a break, make some hummus.

I have to finish reading
the new Johnny Diamond book

before I go to his motivational
seminar this weekend.

Johnny Diamond says,

"In order to earn
people's trust in business,

you need to make a bond with them

by any means necessary".

Johnny Diamond.

That's not a very authentic way
to interact with people.

Neither is making hummus.

Look at these stupid boots

Taylor wants me to buy her.

Yikes.

And why are they open-toed?

Boots are a cold-weather item.

That's what I said!

It's like socks without the feet.

- You mean leg warmers?
- Damn it.

It's really hard to come up
with a similar example

to those dumb boots.

Taylor was pretty mad when I said no.

We've been fighting a lot lately.

We're just not connecting
like we used to.

Same with me and Oliver.

He doesn't want anything to do with me.

I bought a doghouse
for us to build together.

What teenage boy
wouldn't want to do that?

Every teenage boy in the history
of teenage boys.

I just feel like as he gets older,
we have less and less in common

and it's harder to spend
any quality time with him.

Then maybe you should
do something with Oliver

that Oliver is interested in.

I can't do another drive
through the neighborhood

where I play "Guess That Zestimate".

How about that Johnny Diamond seminar

that he won't shut up about?

That guy's such a phony.

It's all recycled self-help nonsense.

I'd rather bond over something real.

Look, if you're the one
who wants to bond,

then you have to be the mature
one and make the sacrifice.

Fine!

I'll go to the Johnny Diamond
seminar with him.

You know, maybe you should take
your own advice

and make a sacrifice with Taylor
so you two can bond.

What did I say about undermining
me in front of the kids?

- But the kids aren't...
- Anna-Kat!

What?

Thank you, honey.

Good night.

Who the hell wants toeless boots?

Yeah, it makes no sense. It's like...

Don't even try. I was at this
for hours last night.

Thought I had one, but I didn't.

Turns out a hat with no top
is just a visor.

Are you thinking of caving in on this?

I'm worried Taylor has started
seeing me as the enemy.

I just love that necklace on you.

Thank you. I think it will look
even better on you.

How did I get so lucky?

Why can't Taylor and I be like that?

You can. My kids and I are that close.

We hug six times a day.

Ugh! What a load of garbage!

Parents and children need boundaries!

Otherwise, they won't fear
or respect you.

No, I disagree.

I let my kids do whatever they want

as long as I'm there to supervise.

And it will be the same

when they get older.
If they want to have sex,

they can do it at my house
while I'm home.

There has to be a middle ground
between lifelong bitterness

and listening to your kids hump.

You know, I read in Parenting magazine

that mothers and daughters
go on friend dates now to bond.

It's a fun way to spend time together.

No judgments, and you get to
establish a new relationship

where you see each other as equals.

Hey! More garbage!

You know, Greg said
I should do something

like mother-daughter date night.

But ideas just sound better
coming from someone else.

I don't know, Katie. You'll be
setting a dangerous precedent

that could lead to your kids
coming back to visit

after they've already moved out.

That's exactly what I want.

Yep, that's what you think now.

But imagine yourself 30 years older

and your kids are yelling at you
in your own home

for watching TV because
screens are bad for the baby.

I'm watching "Game of Thrones,"

and so is the baby!

They need to learn about violence

and love.

All right. Oliver's on board with me

going to the Johnny Diamond
seminar with him.

Actually, he said, "It might
ruin it but maybe it won't".

- I'm taking that as a win.
- That's great.

And Doris and Angela said
I should ask out Taylor

on a mother-daughter date and
buy her the open-toed boots.

Isn't that exactly
what I told you to do?

You want me to be the kind of wife

that "listens" to her husband?

Then we're gonna have to change
this whole operation.

I should go read up on Johnny Diamond.

I'll start with his first book,

"The Best of Johnny Diamond".

How can his first book be
"The Best of Johnny Diamond"?

You think that's strange,
his next book is called

- "Introducing Johnny Diamond".
- Huh.

Hey, there.

Taylor, huh? Pretty name.

Do you spell it with a "Y"?

Ta-da!

Good trick, huh?

That's not a trick.

This is a trick.

Witch.

Why were you talking to yourself?

I'm practicing asking
Taylor on a friend date.

Ever since my parents' divorce,

my mom takes me on friend dates
every Saturday.

- It's a lot of Arby's.
- Mm.

Let me help you.

Thanks, but I think I got it.

You can't ask her out in person.

You have to do it over text.

Okay.

What should I write?

- Just be casual.
- Mm.

What's up, girl?

Is this a mistake?

Just seeing if you wanna chill.

This feels like a trap.

How about boot shopping and coffee?

_

Yes!

What?

You're helping her
get closer to your sister?

Not good for you.

Why? You think I'm getting
pushed out as the favorite kid?

Maybe. I don't think you can get by

on just cuteness anymore.

The big teeth are in now.

You're gonna have to find a new way

to make your parents like you.

How?

You ever want to take a bite
out of your ChapStick?

Oh, Franklin. You almost made it through

one full conversation.

Where my Diamond Dogs at?!

Let's maximize those
relationships, D-Dogs.

That's why you're here!

I want you to turn
to the person next to you

and talk with them.

And when I say "talk with them,"

I mean connect with them!

No small talk!

I want you to ask them the best thing

that happened to them this week.

Get real!

My Diamond Dogs need
to gnaw through the lies

and taste the truth. Leashes off!

We don't have to do this
if you don't want to.

No, no, no. We should do the work.

- That's what we're here for.
- Okay.

What was the best thing that
happened to you this week?

Well, um,

there's this girl I like at school

that sat with me at lunch.

I didn't have the guts to ask her out,

but at least I know she knows I exist.

That's the first time
you've mentioned a new girl

since you and Gina broke up.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

We usually don't talk about
this kind of stuff.

Or any stuff really.

This is nice.

What was the best part of your week?

- Is it too cheesy to say right now?
- Definitely.

Then I'm gonna go with the apple
fritter I had this morning.

Now howl if you had

a substantial emotional breakthrough.

Hey.

You want to maximize
your relationship with me?

- Uh, sure.
- Yeah.

Ask me the best part of my week.

Okay, what was the best part
of your week?

This. Right now.

It's too cheesy for your son
there, but not for me, man.

Come here. Bring it in here.

We should hang out or something, huh?

Get some tacos later.

Oh, my God, Mom. I love them.

They look painful.

Well, sometimes the coolest stuff

- isn't the most comfortable.
- That's true.

I might have made some fashion
choices when I was your age

that weren't based on comfort.

Like?

Tight chokers were big in the '90s.

I passed out from time to time,

but Mama looked fine as hell.

You should try on a pair of these.

Open-toed boots? I don't think so.

I've been nursing my pedicure
since Christmas.

Although I did a touch-up with
a red Sharpie yesterday.

I think you can pull them off.

You think?

Gotcha.

So, do you want to grab coffee?

Actually, let's grab lunch.

Play it cool. Play it cool.

Whatever.

Okay. Never mind.

Darn it. That was too cool!

No, no, no. Let's grab lunch.

All right, Diamond Dogs.

It's time for one last
relationship maximizer.

Classic trust fall.

- Come on, Dad. Let's do it.
- Okay.

Oh, no. No, no.

For this fall,

I want Dad to fall
and Sonny Boy to catch him.

No, we can't do that.

If Johnny says we can do it,
we can do it.

- I trust us.
- It's not about trust.

It's about me being
way heavier than you.

Did I mention the apple fritters
this morning?

Full disclosure... I have
those every morning.

If we can do this, we can do anything!

Okay.

I got you, Dad!

Yes, you do! I'll never
doubt you again, Oliver!

I don't know where this strength
is coming from!

It's like when a parent lifts
a car off their baby.

It's love, man!

Yeah!

All right, that's it for this seminar.

But remember, Diamond Dogs,

the seminar hasn't actually ended.

It's just begun.

Who wants homework?!

I want you to go home, find a loved one,

and do a project together

'cause this isn't just about
your relationship, right?

This is about your relationship...

with your relationship!

- Dad, I know what we should do.
- Huh?

- We should build Luthor's doghouse.
- Yeah!

We'll build a Diamond Doghouse together.

Excuse me, Mr. Diamond.

I was skeptical about coming today,

but you've helped my son
and me very much.

- Thank you.
- Well, that's what it's all about.

It's not about the $200 tickets

or the $50 T-shirts.

It's about this moment.

Me touching your face.

You nervous?

- Kind of.
- Smart.

We don't validate parking.

He's amazing, isn't he?

His hands are so soft.

Should we buy Diamond Dog lotion?

Yeah!

So, what's going on?

You hitting me up for a kidney?

- What?
- You bought me shoes you hate,

and we're eating at a restaurant
where you don't have to fill up

your own cup at the soda machine,

so something's up.

I just want to spend
quality time with you,

not just as mother and daughter.

- I want to be friends.
- Okay.

So, like, how do we do that?

We can start by talking
like girlfriends.

Let's spill some tea.

What's the hot goss at school?

I'm not sure what topics
are on the table.

I don't want to say too much
and then you come down on me.

How about I go first and break the ice

and share some high school
stories of my own?

Can't tell that story.

Really can't tell that story.

I'll get straight-up arrested
if I tell that story.

Okay. When I was a junior,

I dated two brothers at the same time,

but neither of them knew.

- Wh... Mom!
- But I got busted

when one of them saw me
making out with the other one

when we went off-campus to smoke.

Wow! That is so crazy!

I didn't know you smoked.

Just a little. It was high school.

I tried vaping over the summer.

Oh?

You're her friend, not her mom.

You're her friend, not her mom.

This is some good gossip.

So there's a girl in the musical

who had to quit because her boyfriend...

You know, vaping is the same as smoking.

I know. Anyway,

he made her quit
because he was jealous...

So did you buy your own vape pipe?

It's called a vape pen.

And no, I used someone else's.

So anything could have been in there...

tobacco, pot, rat poison.

You could have died!

Wait, I thought we were
trying to be friends.

It sounds like
you're momming me right now.

That's because I am a mom!

Do you know how dumb it is to vape?

You just literally told me
you smoked in high school!

I know, but my mother
wasn't involved in my life.

I'm up your ass constantly!

I knew this was a trap.

You tricked me into admitting stuff

by saying we were friends!

Well, that won't be a problem anymore

because we're no longer friends.

I think that's a world record
for the shortest friendship.

- A whopping 20 seconds!
- Great!

You can go celebrate with
a big, fat vaping session.

- No one says that!
- Ugh! I'm out of here.

Now you're definitely
not getting my kidney!

I don't want your kidney.
And even if I did,

I don't want it
because it's full of vape!

That's not how it works!

It says attach piece 1 to piece 2.

But the pieces aren't labeled.

This is a waste of time.

Remember what Johnny Diamond says.

When you drift to the negative, SBH...

Stop, Breathe, Howl.

- What the hell are you doing?
- We're Diamond Dogs, honey.

We're maximizing our relationship

and forging a lifelong bond.

Great. You're both in a cult.

I look forward to your
six-part Netflix series.

How was your friend-date with Taylor?

Terrible.

- I think we broke up.
- You're mother and daughter.

You can't break up.
You just have to figure out

the relationship
you want to have with her.

I think I know what you guys need

to maximize your relationship.

Johnny Diamond has some exercises

to help you fulfill your potential.

I don't like this pairing.

Disturbs me.

Hey. Come on.

Let's go post this on
Johnny Diamond's Facebook page.

Hashtag building a hashtag doghouse

with my hashtag son

for our hashtag other
hashtag Diamond Dogs.

Hashtag.

Trying to stay positive, Dad,

but you're misusing hashtag
to an alarming degree.

Oliver, all these people
are posting reports

that Johnny Diamond got arrested.

- What?
- The FBI raided his ranch in Utah.

He had people being held against
their will writing his books.

Okay, so he's a busy guy.

He had to outsource a little labor.

And he had children
making his merchandise.

You're making a child
build a doghouse. Think on that.

He sold all his followers' identities.

My credit score!

This guy sucks so hard.

Oliver, we don't need Johnny Diamond.

We can maximize our relationship
by ourselves.

Dad, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but Johnny Diamond's a fraud.

Which means our entire bond
is built on a lie.

It's over.

Huh. My high school bully is dead.

Here's some ideas so your
parents can like you again.

- Can you cook?
- No.

Can you tell the future?

If I could, I would have
walked out of the room

before you farted 20 seconds ago.

Oh, you can be
the funny one of the family.

You need to learn a dirty joke.
Adults love those.

Okay.

"Good dirty jokes".

I don't get that.

I don't get that.

Oh, that one has a funny word.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I'll learn it and
tell it to my parents later.

I should not have eaten that ChapStick.

Why are you throwing that shirt out?

I thought Johnny Diamond was your hero.

He's a fraud. He got busted
for, like, 10 felonies,

so all his advice to help me
succeed is meaningless.

You know, you are always looking
for someone to worship.

Well, look outside.

See that guy?

That's the guy that you should worship.

He went out of his way
to try to connect with you.

You should do the same.

- Hey.
- It's really unfortunate

when I have a great parenting moment,

and Greg is not here to give me credit.

So, uh,

that was pretty weird

today when we went...

I'm trying to have an awkward
moment with you, Taylor.

Okay. Fine.

I'm sorry that I blew up at you,

but when you screw up,
I have to come down on you.

- It's my job.
- You're very good at your job, Mom.

You're gonna have a lot
of friends in your life,

but only one mother.

And I refuse to give that role up.

But you're the one
who wanted to be friends.

And one day we will be, but right now,

I need you to be afraid of me,

but know, if you're ever
out in the world

and find yourself in a bad situation,

you can call me and I'll come get you.

- No questions asked?
- No.

Like a thousand questions asked.

- What's up?
- Anna-Kat has a joke

- she wants to tell us.
- Great.

Okay, so three guys are
shipwrecked on an island

and are captured by locals.

Their leader says to the first guy,

"You must choose: death or ooga-mooga,"

so the first guy says,
"I choose ooga-mooga".

Then they throw him down...

So after seeing what happened
to the first two guys,

the third guy says, "I choose death,"

and the leader says, "Okay.

Death by ooga-mooga!"

Franklin, do you even get the joke?

She said "ooga-mooga".

Anna-Kat, that was filthy.

What would possess you
to tell a joke like that?

I was afraid I was losing my position

as the favorite in the family,

so I thought maybe
I could be the funny one.

Honey, you're always going
to be the baby,

so you always are going
to be the favorite.

That's just a fact.

You got me all crazy.

You are super grounded for
looking up that joke online.

Go to your room.

Can someone drop me off at Arby's?

I have a date with my mom.

Can you set Anna-Kat's parental control

so it blocks all the dirty stuff?

I'll also block that
weird website she likes

that shows death row inmates'
last meals.

That...

was a really funny joke.

Ooga-mooga.

Luthor says, "Great job, boys!"

Oliver, Johnny Diamond might
have ended up being a fake,

but the fun I had bonding
with you wasn't fake at all.

I'm glad your mom
forced us to finish it.

Yeah, me, too.

I'm starting to get what you see in her.

Hmm.

You guys need help
building anything else?

No thanks. Here you go.

You don't have to pay me.

We're Diamond Dogs!