Original subtitles

- Two kedgerees, yes.

Two kippers.

One pancake, yeah.

Okay, how long on the bacon?

How long on the bacon?

- It's coming.

- Let's go.

Plate it!

Where are my pancakes?

Where are my pancakes?

Pancakes, I don't know.

- Black pudding. - That's hot!

- Come on, Cole.

Oh, what was that?

Pick yourself up!

- Come on, why are you being such a dick?

Just make me some coffee, you idiot.

- Everything okay?

- Look at this,

one of the most technologically

advanced pieces of machinery known to man,

they expect you to operate it before you've had coffee!

- Oh, that's right,

Bib used to make your coffee for you, didn't he?

Want me to see if he can pop round and do you a cup?

He probably hasn't gone to start his brilliant

new life in Australia quite yet.

Ah!

- What are you doing?

It's 20 past eight in the morning.

- Yeah, and I've been up since five,

cooking sausages for idiots, so if you don't mind,

I'm going to have a little drinky.

- You need to get it together.

- Morning, morning, Mummy's here.

Caroline, I just...

Caroline, are you drinking in the kitchen?

- Um,

yeah,

just a little heart-starter.

- Well, if you are...

Ooh! Ha!

That'll knock the cockles off.

Walk with me, Caroline.

You looking forward to tonight?

- The party?

Yes, I'll be there.

Robin's coming down too.

So it'll be lovely for us to spend

a proper evening together.

- Closey eyesies.

- What?

- Close your eyes.

Open!

- Can I close them again please?

- Ta-dah!

What do you think?

It's my little surprise for tonight.

- Little?

- It's an elephant pinata.

You bash it with a stick

until sweets come out of its neck.

- Yes, I'm familiar with pinatas.

- But I want it to be a surprise,

so do you think you could sneak it in

and hide it before the rest of the staff arrive?

- Yes, hide it.

Hide the giant elephant.

- Good girl.

- Oh, all right?

- Hiya.

- What are you doing?

- Just getting Officer Trumpton ready for tonight.

- What's that?

- The spit valve.

- Is that all your spit?

- Yeah.

That's just from practicing.

- That's cool.

- Oh, all right, Kiki?

That for the talent show?

- Yeah.

- Nice one.

I'm doing a song.

What about you, Skoose?

- I'd rather slam my cock in a car door.

- Right, well, I'll see you back up there, Kiki.

- Are you really not doing anything tonight?

- Can I have a go?

- Yeah!

- Hey, that was brilliant.

Most people can't even do the mouth right.

- There you go.

Got some of my spit in there now.

- Ugh.

All mixed together with mine.

- Yeah.

- Ah,

CVs are so dull.

Just a big, long list of milestones and achievements.

You see, just by you handing me this

and nothing else, you do come across as a bit of a bighead.

Just give me the headlines.

Everything I need to know about you in five words.

- Uh, Barnaby Thompson.

- Interesting.

You use your own name for your first two words.

Maybe the next three should be is arrogant man.

- Can I take the first two back please, chef?

- Go for it.

- Uh, devoted,

passionate,

hard-working, with a hyphen.

- Excellent.

- Learnable?

- Hmm, I'm not sure that's a word,

I can see what you're trying to do.

Trying to say is capable of learning but

without using up four of your words.

- Right.

Uh,

talented.

- You know what, Barnaby?

You could very well be using those

exact same words to describe

someone else in this room.

Let's spin this thing around.

Is there anything you want to ask me?

- Just...

what is it you're looking for in a sous chef?

- What is it I'm looking

for in a sous chef?

Hold that thought, Barnaby.

I'll be with you in a couple of minutes.

- Yeah?

That's fantastic.

No, they sound great.

Just send them over whenever you're ready.

Later.

You all right?

- Yeah, I'm good.

How are you?

- Yeah, great.

Really good, yeah.

Yeah, just come down for some...

table cloths.

- Right.

- That was Kelly from HR, Human Resources,

just chatting about all

the applicants we're getting for sous chef.

'Cause I've got to interview them all.

- I'm amazed you can get reception all

the way down here.

Underground.

Nobody else can.

What network are you with?

- It's an Indian one.

You do it online.

Phone-Tel.

They're new.

What you doing here?

- Picking up my whites.

- Right, 'cause technically they belong to the hotel.

Don't worry, though, I won't tell.

Won't tell.

No good to me anyway.

I'm not gonna find another chef your size am I?

Ya big galumph.

- No, I expect you won't.

See you later, Roland.

- Don't go, Bib.

- Pardon?

- I didn't say anything.

- Okay.

- Come on, Bib.

This is crazy.

You can't go now.

We're this close to a Michelin star!

- No, we're not, Roland.

There are stars in the sky

closer to us than a Michelin star.

- That's not true.

- Yeah, it is.

You don't even want one.

- I do!

If you do.

- What happened to you, hey?

You used to have passion, you'd get so excited.

You'd be in that kitchen every minute of every day.

- Well you used to have a life, Bib.

And I used to have a wife, and a house.

I was young.

Now look at me.

What do you see?

- A much older man with lady's hair.

- It's this job, it's taken everything from me.

It's given me nothing back.

- This job hasn't taken anything from you, Roland.

Rebecca left you because you took her for granted.

- She didn't leave me because I took her for granted.

She left me because I knobbed a pastry chef.

- Two pastry chefs.

- Audrey wasn't a pastry chef.

She was still at college.

- Goodbye, Roland.

- What about tonight?

What about tonight?

- The party.

I can't do the act on my own.

- Why? Why not?

Means you get all the glory.

Which is just how you like it, isn't it?

- Go on, then!

Go, go to Australia!

Go to Wonga Donga Beach.

I hope you get caught in a rip!

Should I go?

Hello!

- Caroline, there you are.

Oh, god.

I just wanted to see you before I leave.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Oh, come here.

- Oh.

- I am gonna miss this old place.

Well, stop it.

You're gonna start me off in a minute.

Thank you, Caroline.

I shall miss you.

Goodbye.

- Bye.

- Weird seeing you in your civvies.

It's like when you're young and you

see one of your teachers in the pub.

- I guess it's nice you think of me as a teacher.

- That's not what I said.

- It's kind of strange seeing you in a suit.

I feel like I'm at a juvenile court.

- My mum did actually buy me this for a court appearance.

- Is that true or is that a joke?

- You'll never know, will you?

- Good luck, Skoose.

- You too, Bib.

Don't bum too many blokes.

- Yeah, I'll try and keep the bumming to a minimum.

- See you later, chef.

- Oh hey, Celia.

Just want to say thank you.

For well, everything.

- Ah, you're very welcome.

Did you have a nice stay?

- No, Celia it's, it's...

Yes, I had a lovely time.

Thank you.

- Ha!

- Bib!

Bib!

- Stupid.

Stupid.

- Pinata works.

What, are we not talking about

the elephant in the room?

- Don't make jokes!

Celia is gonna go mental when she sees what you did.

- It was gonna happen tonight, anyway,

in front of a baying lunatics.

I was just putting it out of its misery.

- Roland, come on.

Pull yourself together.

You're meant to be interviewing.

I don't want another sous chef, Caroline.

I want Bib.

- Bib's gone, Roland, face it.

He's not coming back and then you need to move on.

- Move on?

I can't move on!

It's too soon.

- There's another applicant in your office right now

and you need to do your job.

- You're gonna have to get rid of them, Caroline.

I'm not seeing anyone else today.

I can't.

It's way too soon.

I'm not interested in another...

Hello.

Marvelous, Beatrice, marvelous.

Well, look, it's been wonderful,

really wonderful to meet you.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Wowa-weewa.

You got a funeral?

Who died?

- Er, I'm here for my interview, chef.

- Oh, yes.

Look,

I've been giving this a lot of thought.

I really have.

An incredible amount.

Ooh, my knees.

Thing is, I'm not sure you're ready yet.

Maybe in a couple of years, yeah?

- Yes, chef.

- That's it.

The Skoosinator!

♫ She was a showgirl

♫ With yellow feathers in her hair

♫ And a dress cut down to there

♫ She would merengue

♫ And do the cha-cha

Hi, Celia.

- Welcome to Hot Bananas.

What's your poison?

- Uh, I'll have an orange juice and lemonade, please.

- Well, you can have one, can't you?

We're celebrating.

- You have one, though.

Don't want to be a fun sponge.

- No.

I'll have a large gin and tonic, please, Celia.

- No dice, toots.

- Beg your pardon?

- We only do what's on the board.

- Oh.

In that case, I'll go for a Rum-Bongo.

- Ah-ha.

- Oh, Poppet, that was the farm.

Candida's dilated.

- I'm sorry?

- Candida?

My Hampshire sow?

She's been ready to pop for days.

You know this.

- Okay, so what does that mean?

- I have to go.

She needs me.

- Does she?

Look, if I can,

I'll try and come back after I've...

You know?

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

- You know what they put in those, don't you?

Skin,

hair,

teats.

Sometimes a bit of arsehole finds its way in there.

♫ Sometimes you're better off dead

♫ There's a gun in your hand

♫ It's pointing at your head

- Nice though, ain't they?

♫ In restaurants in a west-end town

♫ Call the police

♫ There's a mad man around

♫ Running down, underground

♫ To a dive bar

♫ In a west-end town

♫ A dead-end world

♫ East-end boys and west-end girls

♫ In a west-end town

♫ A dead-end world

- Party!

- Thanks for that.

Ruined my suit.

- Sorry, I thought it would be funny.

- Oh, ha-ha-ha!

- Why are you so sad?

- I'm not the sad one.

Look at this tit.

- At least he's up there doing something.

Not just sitting there sulking,

like a kitten stuck in a teapot.

- I'm not sulking.

- I'm not sulking.

- I'm not. - I'm not.

- Kiki. - Kiki.

- Look!

I just want to be left alone, all right, Kiki?

I just want to have a drink on my own.

I'm not in the mood.

- You're never in the mood.

♫ West-end girls

- Wonderful, wonderful!

Now then, let's keep this train

chugging along to Funland

and welcome our next act

to the stage, which is Kiki!

- This is my favorite ever song.

- Underwear.

Oh, Caroline.

- What's more important, a woman or a pig?

- What?

- Nothing.

Just my fiance would rather go and

shove his arm up a pig's vagina

than spend the evening with me.

- Right.

Decisions, decisions.

Why aren't you at the party?

- I'm getting changed for my act.

- Thought I'd come and find you.

Ah, Beatrice.

She was nice, wasn't she?

- Yeah, she was good, actually.

Trained under Pierre at Bridge House.

- Under?

- Sorry?

- She's very pretty, Roland.

- Yeah, I need to get changed.

So can you just close the door?

- Sure.

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

He loves you, you know.

- What?

- Bib.

He's the best thing that's ever happened to you,

and you just took his heart and crr, phh,

and trample, trample, trample, trample,

trample, trample, trample, trample.

- Yeah, yeah, all right.

I get it.

- Right.

I feel sick.

So I'm going to go and deal with that

and then I'm gonna have another drink.

- All set?

- No, no, this is ridiculous.

I should have just pulled out.

- Oh, don't be silly.

Darling, you'll be soopy-doops.

- Shit.

I can't do this by myself.

Hello, Roland.

- Bib.

What?

You said you weren't coming.

- I know.

- But...

- Roland...

- Look, wait.

Don't say anything.

You were right, Bib, okay?

I'm a dick.

I did take you for granted.

And I'm sorry.

And I want to wish you and Sarah

good luck in Australia

and in life together.

I want you to be happy.

You deserve it.

Now ladies and gentlemen,

here comes the moment we've all been waiting for.

- Sarah's pregnant.

- Welcome to the stage our very own

head chef Roland.

- Gay!

- Bib's pregnant, everyone!

- Thank you, thanks, guys.

Thank you very much.

It took a while but we got there in the end, yes?

And there's more good news.

Sarah doesn't want our children

to have Australian accents,

so which means that I'm gonna be staying put in my old job.

I'm not going anywhere!

Hit it!

♫ Call me good, call me bad

♫ Call me anything you want to, baby

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You didn't mention anything about that before.

- Pardon?

- Do you think we should talk about this in private?

- What are you doing?

- When we spoke earlier you were pretty much

definite you weren't coming back.

- Yeah, I was angry.

- I know but the fact remains

that I've had to move on.

- Move on?

I've been gone 14 hours!

- Bib.

I didn't know you were going to get pregnant!

- Neither did I!

- That thing's not supposed to work.

- It's a low sperm count Roland, not a no-sperm count.

Who is it?

It's him, isn't it?

Skoose?

- Of course it's not Skoose.

I'm not gonna make Skoose the sous chef.

He's about 12!

- Well, who is it then?

- Her name's Beatrice.

- Beatrice?

- Caroline made me do it.

- What?

- I absolutely begged her not to get someone else in,

and she made me.

You know what she's like.

Walks around with a stick up her arse.

Do this, do that.

- I promised Sarah that I would get my job back, Roland.

- Don't panic.

This Beatrice woman is gorgeous.

You know what I'm like.

We'll be working late one night,

prepping a function or something,

I'll end up knobing her.

She'll be gone in a month.

- Roland.

- What?

- I think everyone can still hear us.

- Shit!

One, two, three...

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit,

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, shit, shit.

This is bad.

- It's really, really bad.

- This is so bad.

♫ Those weepin' eyes

♫ Those weepin' eyes

♫ Those weepin' eyes

♫ Those weepin' eyes

- All right?

♫ I never can say goodbye

♫ No, no, no, no, I

♫ I never can say goodbye

♫ Every time I think I've had enough

♫ And start heading for the door

♫ There's a very strange vibration

♫ Piercing me right to the core

♫ It says turn around you fool

♫ You know you love her more and more

♫ Tell me why

♫ Tell me why is it so

♫ Don't want to let you go

♫ No, I never can say goodbye, boy

♫ Ooh, no, no

♫ I never can say goodbye

♫ No, no, no

♫ No, no, no, no, no, no

♫ Ooh, ooh

♫ I never can say goodbye, boy

♫ Ooh, never, no

♫ I never can say goodbye

♫ No, no, no

♫ No, no, no, no, no, no

♫ Ooh, ooh

- The thing is,

in Australia

everything is dangerous.

Sharks,

snakes,

murderers in the outback.

That couple who disappeared?

Could have been you and Sarah.

- Dingoes steal our baby!

- Yes!

See, dingo.

Steal your baby.

- Hmm.

- You don't want to go all the way out there, Bib.

Much better right here.

It's good to have you back, Bib.

- It's good to have you, too, back, Roland.

The nice you.

- Love you, Bib.

- Love you too, Roland.

- You'll do breakfast tomorrow, yeah?

♫ Oh, what do you know

♫ Since there's nothing above

♫ There must be something below

♫ So take those pictures off the wall

♫ No one will believe you till

♫ Your world starts to fall down