Original subtitles

- Check on third.

Chef.

- Yes Caroline just one second I'm just.

- On order, one salmon and one kettering, florentine.

- What exactly are you doing?

- Reading out the check?

- You can't, you're not,

you don't get to read out the check you're not trained.

- Just trying to help get you out the shit.

- Right yes, I'm not in the shit, thank you Skoose.

I'm perfectly capable of running my own kitchen.

Thank you very, very much.

Don't ever, ever touch my checks again, or my pass.

- You're ass?

- Alright listen up everyone, stop what you're doing,

I'd like to erase that last check from your minds.

Don't start anything on that order, it doesn't exist.

So that's check on one Salmon, one Kettering,

two eggs florentine, yes?

Yes chef.

- Good.

- Why don't you two just get naked and wrestle.

- You'd like that wouldn't ya?

Yup?

- Roland are you gonna be much longer?

Nearly done actually Bib,

what do you think?

- Fine.

- Don't think I should go a bit shorter?

- Not really no, I quite like a bit of length

at the back, Roland if you're nearly done,

- Come in here a sec will you?

- Really?

Axel,

why don't you run the pass.

- Me chef?

- Yeah, more than capable.

- Am I?

- Check on chef, table nine.

- Go one then off you go.

- Yes, yes chef.

- Yes.

- There he is, you want a little snip, snip

before I send Shelly back to the health club?

She's very good.

- No thank you.

Sarah does my hair she knows exactly how I like it.

- Thanks Shelly.

Phew.

Turn around I got something to show you.

- What now? I have to quite busy.

- Shush, shush, shush, hmm.

- Oh no, that's not, that, no that shouldn't be,

no that's not going out that shouldn't go out.

That, that, no, why would he, what?

Axel no,

A few more seconds.

- No,

Roland this, one of us should be out there to,

Tada,

- Wow.

- What do you think?

- What do I think?

- Just thought I'd go for something a bit different.

- Yeah, no it is that.

I didn't even know they did chef's jackets in lilac.

- It's not lilac Bib, foxglove.

- Right.

- It's for a TV show, what do you reckon?

'Cause you gotta have a look, you know like Marco's got

his afghan tea towel and Pesto's got the specs,

and Gordon's got his horrible, mangled face.

- And you're gonna be the guy

that looks like a Palmer violet.

- Oh come on Bib don't say that.

Feeling nervous enough as it is.

- Oh you poor thing.

Just kind of surprised that you actually chose

to do his today when we're so incredibly busy.

- It wasn't me it's the TV people,

you know what they're like

always expecting you to drop everything.

- Even so we've gotta function for 300.

- 300 business nobs, come on you can manage that

it's a barbecue.

I'm going on Sunday Chef Bib.

Lot of people watch that show in the southwest.

It'll be really good for me, for us.

You know put this place one the map,

you wouldn't deprive me of that would you?

I mean I could stay here, miss out on it if you want.

- Might be better.

- I mean I can't obviously, that'd be crazy.

Opportunity like this but you know.

Just wanted your blessing I suppose.

- Fine.

Fine, I'm sure we can cope perfectly well without you.

We've done a very good job so far this morning I think.

- Don't be saying that, meat sections on fire.

- All the ladies, talking about me are you?

Oh you're not a lady.

- Guilty as charged.

We've come in to share our good news with everybody.

- News?

Have a guess.

- One of your rare breed hens laid a magical egg?

- Chance would be a fine thing.

- Somebody in this room is getting married.

And it's not me, and it's not her, and it's not her,

and it's not her, and it's not her, and its not her.

- Is it Caroline?

- You guessed?

- Yes, Robin asked me to marry him last night

and I said that that would be nice.

- Great.

Well show him the ring.

- Oh there it is, there's the ring, is that a good one?

- Welsh Amethyst.

Belonged to Ninny-ninu.

- That's what Robin calls his grandmother.

- So didn't actually buy a ring then,

just got one of a dead lady.

- Ninny's not dead.

Its been in the family for years, I just wanted

to give Caroline something really special.

- And free.

Well I'd better be going,

I do this big TV thing today, going on Sunday Chef

so should probably go and rehearse.

- Wow, Sunday Chef, I love that show.

Well I guess it's congratulations to you too then Roland.

- Correct.

- Chef, guess how Robin proposed to Caroline.

- Tied the ring to a pig's tail, made her chase it

round a field?

- No silly,

they had a midnight picnic at his farm

and Robin filled the entire barn with candles and bras.

- Candelabras Kiki.

- Oh I thought that was weird.

- Barn full of candles, how lovely and dangerous.

- Well love is blind.

Even to health and safety regulations.

- I bet you wish Robin was your boyfriend, don't you Chef?

- Yes, yes I do.

- So who's doing the barbecue.

- Bib.

- Right and you're doing your TV show.

I assume that's why you've dressed as an orderly

in a children's hospital.

- It's great that you two are engaged.

I always thought Robin was gay.

- So, who pulled out?

- What?

- Sunday Chefs?

Who did they lose?

- Caroline nobody pulled out, they wanted me

so they asked me.

- Right, so if I was having a little chat with one

of the producers and asked then who pulled out,

they'll say no one pulled out Caroline,

Roland was our natural first choice.

Brian Turner fell out of a Microlight.

- Vegetable,

vegetable.

Vegetable.

- Kiki.

Everyone's gonna be having vegetables today

there is no other option, probably don't need to say

the word out loud every time.

- I just like saying it, vegetable,

vegetable, ve-ge-at-ble.

Chef?

- Yes?

- What does steak mean?

- Pardon?

- What does steak mean?

- This is steak.

- Yes but what does it actually mean, the word?

- Well it's a cut of meat isn't it?

- Not always.

- Hmm?

- Well you've got fish steaks haven't you.

- Okay, good point.

- Salmon steaks.

- As I say.

- Wooden steaks.

- Completely different type of a steak how it's spelled.

- High stakes.

- Well, right, well it's completely different.

- Stakes through the heart.

- No it's still a different.

- Steak and ale pie.

- Okay, right well we're back to the first one

which is clearly meat.

- But what does it mean.

- It means this, this is steak.

- Chef, Daryl Summers, hey now,

listen, I've organized this whole shebang today

and I just wanted to come over and say.

Bloody beautiful tuck up.

- Oh thank you did you want some more?

- Pretty good with the old barbie for a palm huh?

- Well that's nice.

- Just about to open a place actually in Sydney

and I'm looking for a head chef,

oh and I could do with a bloke who knows their way

around a barbie.

- Sydney?

- Yeah, Rose Bay mate, right on the water, eh?

Got a beautiful little wooden jetty,

jutting out over the ocean.

We're gonna be catching our own fish every morning.

- Are we? You?

- Anyway, look, listen to me carrying on,

I'm holding up the queue.

You go to it Chef.

- No, Bib, Bib Spears.

- It's good to meet you Bib.

Bloody great job.

- Thank you Daryl.

Vegetable.

- It's actually called foxglove.

- Okay

sure cool.

So listen what we're gonna do, is we're gonna start over

in the herb garden like you said and then maybe

do a little bit over by the lake

and then end up in the kitchen to do the bulk of it

with you and your sous chef.

- You want my sous chef in it as well?

I thought it was just gonna be me.

- Well it's just to add a little bit of color and movement.

Make you look good.

At least need to float around in the background,

we want to give it that authenticity.

- Right, yeah.

- You got anyone in mind?

- Well, that's my sous chef over there.

Oh that big unit.

Yeah.

Yeah he is.

- Well that's fine.

It's fine, fine, we just um, put you up on an apple box

for the kitchen stuff so.

- Apple box?

- Yeah, for you to stand on.

- Hmm?

- It's just on camera next to him you're gonna look

a little bit, short.

- Here he is doing a fantastic job as always.

- Well apparently so.

Roland I think my head may have just been hunted.

- That's great look, I wanted to talk to you

about this telly malarkey,

- Oh is that them you were just talking to?

- Uh it was, it was indeed.

The director's had a crazy idea,

wants me to have a sidekick.

- Right.

- Yeah, just someone to hover in the background,

be my sous chef, a bit of light movement.

- Wow, okay.

Amazing, yeah, the guys can hold the fort.

God I'll have to call Sarah, she loves Sunday Chefs.

I'm mean I haven't shaved but that's,

Marco doesn't shave does he?

- Oh that's awkward.

- Hmm?

- Well you just automatically assumed,

no look I've had to ask Skoose.

- What?

- Yeah.

- You've asked Skoose to be your sous chef?

- Not for real.

No.

- No.

No.

Please not him, anyone but him.

- Bib, it's just a silly TV program.

- No Roland.

See this is it, this is how it starts.

- Bib, you're overreacting.

- No, you don't understand.

Don't, how could you do that to me?

Don't ask him to be your sous chef.

He's gonna take that title

and he's gonna use it to destroy everything

that I've worked for.

- Bib you said it yourself that we have a function

who else am I gonna put in charge?

- You've got,

Axel?

don't be daft.

I need my best boy running things,

which is why, for today,

I am going to put you, officially in charge

of that kitchen.

- Roland, we are just about ready to go I think.

- Great.

- Ah, sorry we couldn't use you dude.

It was just the height thing, and Roland was concerned.

So Roland if you want to head over in a couple of minutes.

Okay.

- What did that man just say?

- Uh, they're pretty much ready so I should,

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

what did he mean the height thing?

- Well it was just the other issue of your size.

- My size?

- Look why do you think you never see Tom Cruise

in a film with Peter Crouch?

- You really want me to answer that question?

- Bib you'd make me look short.

- I'd make?

You are short!

- No I'm not.

I'm normal height.

You're a giant.

In real life it's perfectly obvious to anyone

that you're freakishly tall looming over people

like a triffid or something.

But on television you'd make me look like a short ass.

Bib!

Bib come on, this is a big opportunity for me,

you wouldn't want to ruin that would you?

Bib?

- Hiya.

- What do you think, it looks wet doesn't it?

- Yeah it does.

- Touch it.

- Okay.

It's dry.

- That's my gel, it looks wet but it's dry.

All right Bib?

How do I look?

- Horrible.

- Thought it'd take me two years

to become Roland's sous chef, way ahead of schedule.

- But you're not really a sous chef, Skoose.

It's only make believe for one day.

And while you're busy pretending,

I'm gonna be out there actually running the kitchen

like a real chef.

- Well you look like a real chef with your little badge.

What do you think is my best side?

- If you don't be quiet,

the only side anyone's gonna see of you is your inside side.

- This guys the organizer Axel we need to do something.

- I don't even know where we keep the sausages.

- What's going on?

- Somebody's ordered hot dogs chef.

- Hot dogs?

- Yes, Bib, I know, I know.

- It's a restaurant Caroline, not a children's tea party.

Or Uncle Bud's Drive In Hog Shack.

Yes I'm aware of that Bib I did try to explain

but Mr. Summers the guy who's paid for this function

wants hot dogs sent out to the golf course.

- I'll do it.

- What?

- I'll do it, yeah, no problem.

- Really?

- Hmm, yeah, I've got a buggy out the back there,

I'll drive them out to him.

- Wow that's great, thank you Bib.

You can be head chef everyday.

- Hello here he is.

Ha ha.

Bib you bloody legend.

- Your hot dogs gentlemen.

- Oh crikey.

Hey look at this fellas, hey, the royal treatment, eh?

Ha ha.

Ah nice one.

- And action.

- Herbs, natures very own spice rack.

And let's kick off with the rosemary.

- Rosemary chef.

- Thanks Skoose.

Finely chop.

And bang it in.

Cut.

- What happened?

- Just thinking, um, you have said bang it in

a couple of times now.

- Yup.

- Is that intentional?

- Catch phrase so.

I've got others if that one's not working.

Don't tell your mum.

- What does that one mean?

- Look cooking a nice chocolate cake,

need half a bar of chocolate, I say, throw in the whole bar

don't tell your mum.

- Right, well, this recipe is stew.

- Recipe calls for two parsnips, I say throw in six,

don't tell your mum.

- Let's go with bang it in.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh could we just take five, take five?

Bib,

- Alright Bib?

- Yes I'm very well thank you Skoose.

How's it all going with the film stars?

- Great yeah, just been talking

about my catch phrase actually.

- You got a catch phrase?

- Got a few, bang it in, don't tell your mum,

eggy, eggy, eggy.

Just imagine there's an egg here.

- That's fantastic.

- You've cheered up.

- Yeah, no, I'm just having a chat with Daryl

he's a business man guy who's opening a restaurant

in Sydney apparently.

Looking for a head chef.

- Is he?

- Yeah, Rose Bay, right on the beach.

- You should give this Harold my number.

- Think he was actually quite interested in me.

- You?

You're not a head chef?

- Am I not?

- Yeah I could really imagine Sarah going for that.

That skin, all those freckles, you know the biggest hole

in the ozone layer is right in Sydney harbor.

It's like an open wound.

- Buy her a hat.

- Yeah, well, I couldn't fancy it meself.

- Well he wasn't asking you was he?

Service.

- Ah he's got a face for telly hasn't he?

- Who Roland?

- Skoose.

- A face like a telly.

Service.

- He should be Doctor Who.

- Kiki,

I wonder if you can count to 800 in your head?

- Easy.

- Go on then.

You're doing it?

- Yeah I'm up to 17, oh, can I start again?

- Yes you can.

You can start as many times as you like.

Service!

- Come on, come on, show me what he's worth.

- Hmm?

- The ring, the ring.

- Oh,

- Oh, oh, sweet.

Oh I remember when Jack proposed to me.

Panama, inside a volcano.

- What?

- Dormant, obviously.

Hadn't gone off for three or four years.

Anyway there he was, in his safari suit,

down on one knee, looking up at me with one bloodshot eye.

He'd caught this awful infection from some tropical parasite

that swims around behind your eyeballs.

- Oh, how romantic.

- Anyway, do tell.

Where's the honeymoon?

- Oh we haven't even set a date for the wedding yet,

or year.

- But you should think about Panama,

best opium on the planet, literally, three weeks,

gaga, just hammering away at each other like prairie rats.

- Mr and Mrs Wood I'll see you to your table.

- Check on chef.

Alright listen up chef, two veal, one john dorian,

two ravioli, one dove terrine, yes?

Yes chef.

- And now that's ready to go back in the oven

for another two hours, so just bang it in.

Shitting hell.

- Okay cut there.

Roland are you alright?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

- Come on Roland we're nearly there.

Let's go again.

- Sum-ash, one veal, one rabbit, two dove terrine,

one john dorian.

Yes chef.

- Bib have you got a sec?

- Action.

- And now that's ready to go back in the oven.

- But once again people I just wanted to say beautiful,

that fish was absolutely bloody perfect,

falling off the bone.

Thank you Daryl.

- Roland.

We kind of need you looking into camera for this one.

- Uh-huh, yup.

- Let's go again.

- Actually could we just take a break?

- No not really, we're kind of up against it now,

so if you could just focus.

- You want to do it?

- Pardon?

- How about you come around this side Toby,

have a little crack, if it's so easy,

how about you do the cooking, I'll film it, yeah?

- Ugh,

right let's take a break shall we?

We'll pick it up in five.

- Oh no, no, no, you should have seen it Bib,

literally a whole pod of dolphins right there,

just off the boat, smiling at us.

- Hello there.

- G'day.

Whoa that's a shirt.

- Roland White, Executive chef, just filming a TV show here.

- Oh is that right, yeah, yeah, I've just been talking

to your head chef here about his wonderful food.

- Bib, he's not my head chef.

- Huh?

- Is that what he told you?

- Well I was just going by that.

Oh the badge cool, yeah.

- What are you doing?

- It's like a birthday card, it's not even metal.

Now I'm in charge of this kitchen,

that's why that's embroidered.

So if there's any credit to be taken for anything then,

do let me know, that's my phone number on there, email.

- Oh.

Right, well I don't know what to say.

Whatever he is, Bib has done a great job for you today Chef.

- Oh he's a fast learner, yeah he's like a sponge this one,

you only have to tell him something once.

Well sometimes twice.

- Now he's talented mate, you should hang on to him.

- I will.

Thanks for popping in.

- Shall we?

- Yeah.

- Back to work everyone.

- Office.

Now.

That is the last time you ever humiliate me like that again

in front of people, Roland.

Humiliate you, how do you do it Junior?

Junior? I have sweat and I have bled for you Roland!

- I don't like it when they argue.

I want a bit of respect.

It's a fucking job Roland, no one's forced you

to be here.

- You know what, you know what,

you are absolutely right.

Skoose,

you're in charge.

- May I?

- Be my guest.

- Could you imagine actually falling out of a Microlight?

One minute you're up there, flying high in the clouds,

not a care in the world, then suddenly,

Oh god my legs are all smashed, my whole life is ruined,

if only I hadn't been such a cock.

Maybe god wouldn't be punishing me like this?

- Alright Caroline,

I see what you're doing, you're not really talking

about a Microlight accident are you?

- You're an idiot Roland.

- Yeah well,

we all make mistakes.

- Hi guys.

- Don't know why I thought he was gay.

- Chef,

Bib.

Have a think Bib, have a bloody good think.

Holy shit.

What the hell was that?

- Roland?

♫ Oh what do you know

♫ Since there's nothing above,

♫ there might be something below

♫ So take those pictures off the wall

♫ No one will believe you til your world starts to fall

♫ Down