Original subtitles

Gentlemen, me and Hannah had sex.

No way. Hannah? Yeah.

And I'm just gonna tell you right now,

if you ever have the experience to,

like, lose your virginity in a car,

the Acura MDX, where it's at. Spacious as fuck.

- That was a little unnecessary. - I'm just doing to you

what you did to Hannah!

- And I also got you this. - Is that a bong?

Yeah, man.

Dude, happy virginity day.

I'm dedicating this bong right now.

To what?

It's to the four of us.

We will only smoke it on days on which one of us loses our virginity.

So we're smoking it four times.

Yes.

Until the last nut has been busted.

But I don't smoke weed.

Okay, Matt... JACOB: We'll work something out.

It's not really about the high any more.

I like that we're just putting it away for special occasions.

Yeah, it's ceremonial, you know?

There's a spiritual bond between the four of us.

To virginity! JUSTIN: Goodbye.

Okay. ZACK: To goodbye virginity!

She's back. JACOB: All right.

Zack, Zack, Zack. Anything strange happen in your life recently

that we should know about?

My man.

Look at that.

Oh, oh! Boom! Oh!

Oh, shit.

Oh! That was fucking...

Nasty. Nasty.

Wow.

Hey, pal! You must open the V-card. Let's do this.

Smoke that shit. Oh! Oh! The virginity hit!

Whoo! First hit. JACOB: Congratulations!

Congrats, dude. Thank you.

I'm so happy for you, pal. Thank you.

I'm really proud of you. Thank you.

Justin, will you just grab the camera really quick?

Yeah.

Best friends forever!

Mr. Man.

I'm so proud of you...

So proud of you.

For getting that nut off.

I'm proud of you, Justin. Very important.

Matt, you're next.

Matt. You're next, brother.

When is it going to happen, man?

"I'm going to have sex soon!"

"I'm Matt!"

Hey, what are we doing?

It's my anniversary with Nicole,

and, you know, you know, we thought we'd spice it up a little bit

and actually have sex this time.

Which condoms do you think are the best?

Really, I just need...

How big is your penis?

You want lubricated, non-lubricated, spermicidal?

Dude, it's just condoms. Why are you freaking out?

We're filming... He's losing his virginity.

He's telling everyone, basically.

Did you get it? JUSTIN: Yeah.

I think it's really good.

Nicole, what is it about Matt?

What is it?

That you're willing to give yourself to him so readily?

Well, he's funny... Mmm-hmm.

That's one.

And attractive.

Two.

Oh! That's much better, actually.

How did you get such a great girl, Matt?

I mean, honestly. I mean, come on.

Well, I mean, by using my wit and my charm, my skills.

My heart just melted after that.

That's so gay.

So gay.

It's, like, borderline awesome.

I'm happy for you guys.

Me, too.

Thank you.

♪ Oh, Nicole

♪ Oh, Nicole

♪ You're so wonderful to me

♪ To me

♪ You're so wonderful to me

♪ Oh, Nicole

That's it? MATT: Yeah.

That's $2.50. All you gotta do

is just take it slow and enjoy yourself.

You'll have a good night, sir. Enjoy yourself.

You, too.

What are you guys doing this for?

So, you just decided you wanted to record your journey?

He records everything.

Matt, trust me when I say this.

As a filmmaker, and as your best friend,

I'm gonna do to your virginity what Alfred Hitchcock did toBirds.

It's gonna be scary?

No. Matt, it's gonna be beautiful!

My whole life, I wanted to get things on camera or in a picture.

Oh, my God!

Find your own refrigerator!

But you losing your virginity

is the most exciting thing that's ever happened.

This is gonna be our best movie ever.

What do you got planned for the big night, man?

He's trying to, like, keep it a secret from me,

but, like, he asks me really obvious questions...

Like what?

So, like, I know what we're doing.

What did he ask you?

He's like, "What's your favorite restaurant?"

Like, "If you were gonna go on a really fancy date,

"what restaurant would you go to?"

He literally asked that question?

Yeah, he really did.

Wow. These are sexy. Check these out.

I want to wear a dress.

Right, right, right.

Do you like it? Yes?

Yes, very much so.

Hey, Nicole, you know, when Matt's been kissing you, how is he?

He's been getting better.

- Yeah? It's okay. - It'll be okay.

I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed.

Just, you know, sometimes he gets a little stiff, like...

Where exactly does he get stiff?

Because that might be a good thing.

Sometimes he doesn't really know

what he's doing with his hands.

Yeah, where does he put them?

Nowhere. MATT: Uh. If you show me where...

You should know where the hands go, dude. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down.

Can you instruct Matt on how this would come off, you know, easily?

You would take it from this area and just pull it...

I just can't wait for you guys to make love to each other,

because that is just gonna be such a fucking release.

Oh, shit, the string snapped.

Well, you ruined the song, you dickhole.

Come on. Mom! MOM: Yeah?

Can you do me a favor?

I call top.

That's what she said.

Oh! Oh!

Justin, up here. DAD: Throw a ball.

Got it. You got it?

I got it. You're good.

Everybody wave. Everybody wave.

Hi!

Hey, Mom, will you describe to me how we inherited Matt?

How we inherited Matt?

What?

Your unfortunate inheritance that is Matt.

Matt's mother and I worked together.

When you guys were in the first grade,

that's when we started working together.

Good job, Zack.

And you've been inseparable ever since.

Yeah! Score, score, score!

When you guys were about nine or 10, that's when Lois got sick,

and she'd been receiving chemo,

and one day, I was taking Lois home from one of her appointments,

and she turned to me with a tear in her eye and she said,

"Take care of my little boy." And she died three weeks later.

Yeah. That's how we have Matt.

She knew how much we all loved him,

and your father and I love Matt

as much as we love you and Krysta.

All right, well, I'll shoot for her. Is it my shot?

Yes, it's your turn. Well, nobody's taking my shot for me.

Hey.

I feel like Nicole has become, like, part of the family.

Not like a mom or sister, but, like, crazy aunt.

Yeah.

I mean, even though two years

and our relationship isn't as intimate

as other people's,

I know that nothing would ever come between us.

Ever.

I was taking a pee the other day on C floor,

and two guys came in, and they were talking about Nicole.

All right.

This guy was like,

"I heard she did something with some dude at a college party."

It's funny. It's really funny.

I'm not... I'm not lying.

I'm putting you on speakerphone. Yeah, we just said...

- But it's just a rumor, man. - That's what I heard.

Remember last year when everyone thought I was moving to Canada?

Everybody believed it. Could you pull over, man?

I'll see you there. Man...

Try and keep your head up, Matt. You need a baseball bat?

Don't give him that!

And she cheated on me!

Hey, I had a girlfriend, too, all right?

We all go through this. JUSTIN: Hey!

It's a rumor, man!

We will find out if it's real, okay?

Just call. I just can't...

I can't picture her doing this to me, all right?

I know, I know. But you need to call...

We were gonna lose our virginities to each other.

Clearly, she wasn't a virgin.

Get the fuck out. ZACK: Okay, okay.

Slow down.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!

Calm down! Calm down!

Grab him, grab him.

This is for your own good, buddy.

Look at me. We'll get to the bottom of it.

Okay.

Calm. I got it.

You got it? JACOB: Cool heads prevail.

Okay, Matt. I'm here to find out if Nicole fucked that dude.

Excuse me. Hey, are you Harry?

No, man. I'm not Harry.

Oh, thank God.

We had a party three days ago,

and she never left.

She's trying to shake us down for more money.

As soon as you give me my $300, I'll leave.

No, we paid you already, so...

Hey, man. Anyway, what was I...

We were talking about Nicole.

Thank you.

Dude, back to Nicole.

- Hey, I got pickle juice all over me now. - Harry!

Are you happy? I don't know who they're talking about.

That better be the best fucking pickle you've ever had.

Hey! Hey, Harry, Harry, Harry. Can you...

Sorry, man. I just... I need to know what happened with Nicole.

Just tell your buddy I'm sorry, okay?

Dude, you gonna have to tell him yourself.

Sure. How?

Just look into the camera. Just like this?

Yeah.

Matt.

Matt. Matt.

I really am sorry about what I did

with your girl.

Okay?

Okay.

What did you do?

I can't get into that.

That's frat policy.

Here's what I can say.

Matt, Nicole is a very nice girl,

and she likes to party.

Looks yummy. Cookies?

You used to make cookies all the time...

They're good.

Hey. Sweetheart, what's the matter?

She cheated on me.

I'm sorry.

Hey, guess what? Yeah.

I talked to your sister. She's gonna come here this weekend.

That's great.

These cookies are really good.

Zack, zip it!

Can't you just back off for a little while?

Do you have to always be in everybody's face constantly?

I'm just trying to get this so he'll realize

how silly he was later. Yeah, I can't understand

anything you're saying with your mouth full of food.

Your mouth... Uh!

Hey, dick-munch! Krys is here.

Grab the camera.

You got it? JACOB: Yeah.

Hey, hey! Krys is here. Krys is here. Heads up.

Hey!

Hey! KRYSTA: Hey, what's up?

How are you, lady? Come on. No. Jesus!

Zack! Shit! Zack, stop! You...

Just so you know, this is not my idea.

Out of the way! That's for me!

Hey! Stop!

Oh, my God.

Jacob, take the keys! No!

Yeah!

You're such a...

I'm such a dick! Did you hear that?

Welcome home, honey.

Oh, my God.

Welcome home.

Krysta. Want to dry off?

Thank you, Matt.

Hey, dickhole!

Matt's the only person in this whole house that's nice to me.

Thank you.

Oh!

So wet and disgusting.

I know. I'm a wet girl.

Very athletic.

You've been waiting for this for

however long that you guys have been going out?

Two years.

Two years.

You've been waiting for this for two years,

and now she fucked somebody else?

You should go on that date you were talking about.

Have sex with her there.

Go on the date.

Go do all the things, and the carriage and the flowers and the hotel,

and then have sex with her.

You get all of those feelings out,

and then you get out of it unscathed.

I'm becoming aroused, yes.

I don't want to do that to her, though.

- She meant too much to me. - Why not?

There's no revenge. It's just making it right.

His girlfriend cheated on him. Damn!

Look, you get to pick how this song ends, okay?

I think you're gonna feel better if you do.

Hey, Nicole. It's Matt. How are you?

Um...

I'm sorry I missed your calls before.

I was feeling kind of sick, kind of ill.

But I'm much better, and I can't wait until Saturday.

I am very excited.

So, give me a call back. All right, see you.

Did that sound phony? That was fucking awesome.

What're you doing?

I'm calling it off.

I just don't think I can do it.

I don't love her any more, dude.

Sex isn't about love. Sex is about sex!

Who's your favorite porn star?

What does it matter? Just tell me.

Sunny Leone.

Okay, close your eyes and think about Nicole,

and visualize her body, okay?

Put Sunny Leone's head on her body.

That's someone you love, right?

Sunny Leone, yes.

Have sex with her.

I'll try.

Nice fucking place, dude. Good choice.

Thank you.

You got style.

I thought it would be, like, a really romantic setting for our first time.

Whatever, dude. You're here now.

We're gonna make the best of it.

You ready? JUSTIN: Yeah, let's go.

I'm here to check out the rooms under the name "Matthew."

Matt, check how many rooms.

Two rooms.

Two rooms? Are y'all gonna throw a party?

No. I'm not.

What?

This is a great place to party.

I'm very good.

Adjoining rooms.

Very nice.

Here's the other one.

Yeah, this is great!

Very nice, sir. Very nice indeed.

Wow! Yeah, we get this room.

Can you check how sturdy it is, Jacob?

Yeah. ZACK: Fuck on it.

Yeah!

Is that a good fucking?

Jacob, is that the way that you fuck?

It is when there's no one to fuck.

I want y'all boys to know all these beds are up to snuff.

My wife and I have tried out every bed

and couch and cot in this whole hotel.

Really?

Your wife sounds like a truly amazing woman.

Well, she's got Alzheimer's,

and that's no fun when you...

I'm sorry.

For sex.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'll bring back some champagne.

Excellent.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much.

I have a big...

Oh, my God, he's back.

I have a really strong connection with you guys,

and I don't know what it is, and I hope we can be friends for a long time.

All right.

Okay. All right. I'll be seeing you.

Thanks, buddy.

Oh, my God.

Do not drink anything he gives you.

All right, this is what's gonna happen.

You're gonna be fucking over here. On the bed.

Then we are gonna be over in this room,

and we're gonna have speakers set up

all over the place so we can all hear it.

Now, once you're done, you're gonna knock twice,

so we'll be like...

Busted!

And you're gonna break up with her on film.

Okay.

I'm so happy you're doing this.

Okay, could you just give me a little bit of room?

Guys. JACOB: Yeah, no problem.

All right, man. Come on. We need to set up

how I'm gonna, like, tape shit down.

Do you think I should really do this?

Yes. She cheated on you. Remember that. Okay?

Okay.

Hey, Matty, Zack. Hey, sir.

Hey! How are you today?

Good, good, good.

Why are you so dressed up?

Well, you know, it's our anniversary,

so I just wanted to...

Your anniversary of what?

We're going out.

Nothing. Just...

Please. Please don't.

No. No, I couldn't.

Here we are. Here, just take it.

I don't feel right.

It's not for you, Matt. It's for my daughter, all right?

Let me show you something.

There it goes.

Forty miles an hour!

Here, now drink a glass of this, and tell me...

Matt, don't drink that.

Go ahead, go ahead.

What do you think?

Frothy. It's...

It's definitely...

Oh, my God. That's a really good...

Does that shit turn you into the Hulk?

It's good.

Is she beautiful or what?

Very beautiful.

Hey. You look great. NICOLE: Thanks.

Hubba-hubba.

Well, listen. Y'all have a good time tonight.

Thank you, sir.

Call me if you need anything, all right?

You look great. NICOLE'S DAD: You look fantastic.

Y'all have a good time.

Bye, bye. I love you.

I love you, too, David.

Are you excited?

Uh. Yeah.

Can't wait. After all the planning and secrecy.

Yeah, I know.

Oh! You guys are so cute.

I cannot wait to hear how this goes.

Bye.

You're fucking like this. You see a fucking mike!

Let's just put it in her vagina.

Can you hear that? Squeaking?

Is it, like, white noise,

or does it sound like they're fucking?

No, no. It's clear as fuck.

Test, test.

"Oh, baby, that's the wrong hole." Sounds good.

This one is perfect. If she squirts, we're gonna hear it.

Come on, let's go.

For you.

All right. Should I pop this or should you pop this?

Let them pop it.

This is gonna be so good! This is so good!

This is, like, the peak of our genius.

We got it!

Hey! Hey, you want to see me jump over...

♪ Matt's gonna get fucked

Hell, yeah! Jump over this.

Nice, nice.

Don't watch me while I do that. That's me time.

All right, guys. So what's happening

is we're gonna fucking make Nicole

feel like the bitch she is.

Bitch. Slut, whore.Slut.

And then fucking break it online.

Hell, no!

Who's excited for Matt losing his virginity?

Whoo! Yeah!

Can we go check the mikes?

Checking. We're by the bed. Can you hear this?

We're having sex now. This is so much fun.

Oh, my God.

Shut up! Shut up, guys. Guys, shut the fuck up.

Hey, Matt. Hey, man.

What are you talking about? Yes. Yes. Are you almost here?

No. Nicole... Then that's perfect.

Okay, okay, okay. Hey, guys, they're leaving right now.

Champagne? That's so sweet.

To us.

Cheers.

Do you want to take a shower with me?

See, actually, I'm good right now.

I just actually... I took a shower.

Come on. I hate... I hate him.

Fuck.

Hey. Get these off.

Okay.

What?

Is everything okay?

Fine.

Maybe you're trying too hard?

Oh, no!

Dude, he can't get it up.

Do you want... How about you lie down? Let me take care of you.

Oh, my God.

Can you hold that thought? I have to run to the bathroom really fast.

Okay.

Okay. Really fast. Just one minute.

Is he...

He's jacking off.

No, we'd hear it. Shh.

I hear nothing. What's going on?

Fuck.

Oh!

Oh, no.

What did they eat at the...

Oh! Poor guy.

Oh, my God. That's a problem.

That's a machine gun.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Actually not. I have to go back...

I have to go back to the bathroom.

Oh, my God. He's not done.

Oh, my God.

That's what they call a dirty job.

It doesn't get nastier than that.

Oh, my God.

What is wrong with him?

He could burn his asshole.

What's wrong?

Fuck this. This is wrong.

What do you mean?

What are you talking about?

Oh! Shit!

Open!

No comprende. I am from Mexico.

Is that Zack?

All right, Zack, come on. I can't do it.

Hello. What the fuck?

Nicole, where you going? I just want to tell you, you look beautiful.

Nicole, stop.

I know that what I did was stupid, okay? But I didn't fuck him.

And I was drunk, and I know that if I wasn't drunk

I wouldn't have let it happen, but it just seemed like it wasn't so bad.

I put two years into this relationship, and I thought it was going...

It was working very well.

And you fucked it up.

Okay?

I know that I fucked up, but, like, what is this with all the cameras?

Like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, you would do that to me?

I didn't do anything on purpose just to hurt you.

You're doing this on purpose just to hurt me, Matt.

It's over, Nicole. I'm breaking up with you, all right?

It's done. I get it. I get it, Matt.

Do you?

Matt, kick his ass. Fuck you, old man!

Kick his ass, Matt!

Ow! Oh!

Why the fuck would you post this? I look like an idiot.

It's you in the video.

What's funny about it?

Everyone thought she fucked Harry.

She just got her tits sucked!

Matt. What's that?

What? What are you doing?

Some Asian dude responded.

Hi, Matt. What you did to that girl?

It disgust me!

All she wanted to do was get her titties sucked.

Like this.

Suck it, baby.

Maybe, you know, maybe I need to grow up,

maybe I'm a bit of a baby, but at least I'm not a cheater, you know?

Right? Good way to look at it.

Sure, dude.

Hey! MOM: Take a bite.

Seth, when did you start balding?

When did I start balding?

When I was 22.

Matt, you're gonna start balding at 22.

No. Matt has a great head of hair.

I think I get it from my mom.

Yes.

Look it, I got something kind of special. A little something for you.

Check it out.

Is there something I'm...

It's a sobriety chip.

Is that a poker chip? It's a sobriety chip.

No, that's a sobriety chip, man.

That's amazing.

It's six months? ZACK: You got a sobriety chip?

Yeah, absolutely. MATT: I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Matt. It's been hard. Did it for you.

Happy birthday. Here's a six-month chip.

Wow!

How many months do you have?

Who wants more cake? I'll have some.

Dude, dude, dude. It's a big deal, you know?

He's a good kid. Thank you.

In spite of the fact that you're his dad. Father.

That's kind of un-cool, but whatever.

Yeah, I know, I'm real un-cool.

He didn't have to come. At least he made the effort.

Yeah.

I love you.

Yeah, I can do that.

I got you something.

Oh, Zack, that's sweet!

Panties? DAD: What the heck is that?

They're Sunny Leone's.

Sunny Leone? Who's...

These are Sunny Leone's panties?

Yeah. SETH: Who's Sunny Leone?

Dude, open the... It's your son's favorite actress.

She's an adult film star.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

That's her wearing them. Show the picture.

Oh, my God!

"This is to attest to the fact that these panties

"are genuine Sunny Leone panties,

"as worn by Sunny herself. This is awarded to Matt."

Signed by Sunny.

Couldn't you have just gotten him

an autographed baseball or something?

Matt?

It's good. It's a good present. Thanks, man.

Time to wake up, dirt bag!

No!

It's your lucky day. Do you always have a boner?

What the fuck is that, dude?

Morning wood. It's called morning wood.

Dude, I've got the biggest surprise you've ever seen in your life.

Click on the video.

Hi, my name's Becca.

I saw a video yesterday called "Matt's Big Night,"

and Matt, if you see this, I want to make you an offer.

I thought that it was pretty shitty

what happened with your ex-girlfriend,

and I thought I'd offer myself to your cause.

I want to be your first.

So I'm 25.

I'm very sexual,

very experienced woman,

and I'm also a direct descendant of Cleopatra,

and I'm 100% confident saying

I embody her sensuality.

I hope that you contact me

and we could take this further,

and I promise you won't regret it.

All right, thanks.

Fucking awesome.

No way.

Yeah.

No.

You're such a fucking idiot.

I can't do it.

I don't want to fuck a stranger.

Why not?

Strangers kill other strangers.

Strangers also blow other strangers. You're not making sense.

Maybe this lady is, like, your long lost love,

and you guys were meant to be together.

This is exactly why God invented the Internet.

No, he invented the Internet for porn.

How is this not porn? This is porn that comes home.

Porn is safe!

Having sex leads to babies, leads to STDs...

Dude, porn is your last priority...

leads to commitment, marriage.

And me walking in. Okay? That's what porn is.

Porn is me seeing you every day, sad.

Okay, I know this isn't your thing,

but you really need something to help you forget about Nicole.

I mean, it's whatever you decide, okay? It's up to you.

I don't even know anything about her.

Not yet you don't.

Okay, guys, this is a phone conversation between Becca and her doctor.

TB, HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, all negative.

You have no transmittable diseases of any kind.

Good.

You do, however, have high cholesterol.

That's something we should maybe talk about getting you...

It's no big deal, right? That doesn't affect...

It's pretty hot, actually.

Remember Matt? I told you about that guy?

Yeah.

He's losing his virginity. He's nervous.

He's worried. Tell him what I'm like in bed.

If this is your first time,

and it's gonna be with her,

you're the luckiest guy in the world.

She'll get on top of you and throw you around like a rag doll,

which is something that most men love.

She's just like... She's like a stripper. Like, arms, legs, tongue.

It's fucking amazing.

"Hey, Becca, it's Matt.

"Please send me some naked photos."

"Why?" She wants to know why.

I don't know.

"To make sure you are without penis."

I think that's good.

Yeah, is there anything else that you can say to help young Matt

feel more comfortable, maybe?

Well, in addition to being disease-free, you're on birth control,

so the risk of pregnancy is very low,

and, Matt should feel good about that as well.

What more could you ask for?

You're not going to find many other girls who don't have diseases.

What the fuck!

What... Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- Enlarge it, enlarge it. - There's her vagina.

She has a vagina.

"Well, are we going to do this or not? Last chance."

It's up to you, pal.

All right. Good night. Have a happy...

Good night.

She wants me to buy a suit. Ralph Lauren, Black Label.

She said if I want to fuck like a man, I have to dress like a man.

I get that.

God!

I'm actually gonna do this.

Hey, I need to get a suit. Ralph Lauren, Black Label.

Sure, this way. Okay.

You're, like, a 36?

I guess so.

Okay. So, this is a Black Label suit. And they usually run in the...

This one's $1,795.

And that's the price point right there for Black Label suit.

Seventeen... $1,700.

Becca, I want to go for it,

but it's all just super, super expensive,

and if we could just not worry about this...

Yeah. I understand. I got you.

All right, see you. Bye.

What did she say?

She said, "No suit, no sex."

So we'll get you the suit.

It's not the end of the world

that I'm not gonna have sex with Becca.

I've never met a single girl...

Look at me.

What?

After that. I mean, come on, dude.

It's not like you don't have the money. I don't have the money.

You have a college fund that's overflowing with money.

Your mom would want you to do this.

Matt, this is your last tape,

and I just wanted to let you know

that I've put away a little money for you.

I hope it will help with college

and make your life just a little easier, okay?

I wish I could be at your graduation. I'm really proud of you.

I love you.

Sir, it looks as if your account has been liquidated.

That's... That's impossible.

I mean, nobody has access to my account.

So, I went to take money out of my bank account,

and apparently my dad had cleaned out all my funds for college.

Oh, my God.

Poor Matt. I'm so sorry.

Maybe we should call the cops.

I don't want to have him arrested.

Maybe you should just punch him in the face and ask for the money back.

Okay, yeah, that's gonna do a lot of good.

Let's just punch people in the face.

Why don't you just call him? Maybe...

He's on this path to recovery. Maybe he'll give it back.

Well, he doesn't have a phone.

He's living in the swamps right now.

Well, then, let's go. In the swamps?

Yeah.

Can we go there?

Let's go.

Well, I'll confront him,

and we will talk about it.

I think that's a great idea.

I'd like to see you confront someone.

There he is, right there. All right, Zack, ready?

Come on!

Come on!

Road trip, motherfucker!

Get the fuck in the car, you fucker!

All right, drive. Drive!

Go!

Everybody wave.

Say hello to that guy.

We're going! Where am I going?

I'm trying to think more in the moment, and right now,

I need to stop thinking about Nicole

and start thinking about Becca.

I understand that.

Some of the best sex I've ever had is with people I don't know.

That's really sketchy.

It's true!

Who wants water gators?

What in God's name is this?

Ow! Oh, what the fuck?

Get excited, man.

There's nothing more fun than something a little wrong.

And what you're doing is so fucking wrong that it's awesome.

Before you know it, you're doing shit you would have never imagined.

Snooker Island?

Do you know where Snooker Island is?

Untie this little rope around here.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit.

You ain't going nowhere.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, hey. What's up, Matt?

How's it going there? Loving it? You loving this baby?

So, I kind of put some extra care into outfitting it.

I'm just so grateful to have this in my life.

It's the only thing that I have that's mine, you know?

But someday it'll be yours.

Thank you.

Dad, do you have a minute that we can go talk in private?

Yeah.

I'm sorry. Are you saying I stole money?

I wasn't talking to you. I was...

Did you do this?

Um...

What are you? A moron?

No.

You know something about your dad?

I don't know if you know this or not,

but your dad is a little bitch.

Did you know that? You probably do know that,

'cause you lived with him for a while. If people weren't here...

Just fucking get that shit out of my face.

We came all the way out here just for that, and I...

Do I look like a bank? I mean, I can't press a button

and money's gonna just fucking pop out of nowhere.

You could, you know, have some compassion for me

and stuff like that. I mean...

I have plenty of compassion for you.

Can I just say something?

I just wanted you to know that, you know,

the person who did whatever it is that you think I did

was not really me,

'cause that was a person who was on drugs who did that.

So, let me get... Are you using drugs right now?

No, of course I'm not using drugs.

You're clearheaded?

Yeah. No. I mean, yeah. Absolutely.

And you have no intention of paying me back?

Well, I'm a drug addict, man.

Matt, let's get the fuck out of here.

All right, you guys ready?

Wait, Matt, where you going?

That was awesome.

Thanks for nothing, dickwad!

Matt, let's go get drunk.

Yeah.

Party's all inside. Bring us a beer on your way out.

Okay.

I want to grow up to be him.

Hey! Who has a match? Who has a match?

Smoking's bad. Smoking's bad.

You're so good.

Oh, thank you.

You're good.

Hey.

You guys into incense porn?

Incense?

Zack, stop it! Stop it!

Incest porn?

You guys into incest porn?

Like you've never gotten a boner off of me.

Like you've never seen me in the buff.

I've never gotten your...

What the fuck? JACOB: I have.

Thank you, Jacob.

Zack, why are you so upset, buddy?

I mean, think about it, now. Be honest.

They're not really brother and sister.

They're not related. It's not like you and Krysta.

But they're my brother and sister.

But they're not related. Admit it.

They're not really brother and sister.

There's no blood shared there.

That is why I wouldn't make out with my brother and Krysta.

Fuck. Jesus!

Write...

Nice.

Justin. What?

I think Matt and Krysta are hooking up.

Zack.

Oh, what the fuck?

Just get up. Look, there's something you gotta see.

Did someone die?

There's a situation.

No, no, don't go that way. Zack, come here,

come here, come here, come here.

Just open up that tent.What...

Shh.

This is pathetic. She's still sleeping. It's not funny.

Stop it.

Why are you guys naked? Oh, no, no, no. Matt, out.

Hey. Now. Get out of here.

Everybody calm down.

It's all good.

It's all good!

Whoa! Whoa!

Other tent. Now. I'm serious.

I will fucking hit you. KRYSTA: Mind your own fucking business.

I'm sorry?

Yes! Mind your own business!

Good night, Matt.

And Krysta.

What? Stop it.

I'm very disappointed in you.

Well, I can do whatever the fuck I want.

I don't think you want to fuck Matt.

Krysta? KRYSTA: What?

Can we make a new rule?

No more attempted sibling sex?

Deal.

Hey, just so you know, I was really drunk last night.

That's... It's not ever gonna happen again.

I... Yeah, I... I understand. It's cool.

Listen.

You're not gonna lose your virginity with me, okay?

Get up, baby. We're gonna get you that suit.

Yeah.

Sorry, dude. ZACK: Dude, everybody's in the position.

Ready to go. Are you ready?

Hey, dude. Okay.

Don't even worry.

The guy out front goes on break right now.

I look okay?

You look like a child pornographer.

Thanks.

How can I sustain $40,000 right now?

I'm not a fucking bank! Dumb motherfucker!

I'm gonna start counting. I get to three, one, two, three...

Fuck! We're dead!

Sorry.

Rape! Rape! Rape!

♪ How many spots are on a baby giraffe?

♪ A baby giraffe A baby giraffe

♪ Let's count the spots on a baby giraffe

♪ Let's start with one

♪ One. One, two, three ♪ One, two, three, four, five

♪ Four, five, six, seven ♪ Six, seven, eight, nine, 10 ♪

I'm gonna be completely honest right now.

I thought you were gonna fucking pussy out.

You did so good, dude. It was fucking awesome.

I... I don't know. I've... I've never...

I've never felt anything like this before.

What?

Not even when I was with Nicole, man.

I've... I've never felt this close to... To having sex.

I'm excited for you.

Thanks, man.

Hey, Becca.

Becca. Wow! BECCA: What's going on? How you doing?

You look even prettier... You look even prettier than...

Than the pictures that you sent. You're prettier in real life.

Oh. Thank you. I like your glasses. Hi, honey! How are you?

Hey, little guy.

That's my son, Renner.

Can you say hi, Renner? Son?

Hi. Renner, you remember...

Do you remember Matt from the video?

You showed him my video?

Is this the guy that had diarrhea?

Yes, I did have diarrhea once.

Sure. Renner, do you want a photo?

Okay. Okay. All right.

You ready? Say cheese.

You guys look great. You look like a family.

Hey, Renner, have you ever seen your mom naked? I have.

So, I will see you tomorrow. Okay.

All right, great. So, I'll just get a...

Sounds good. I'm gonna give you this.

Oh. Thank you.

There's that. Just a...

Thank you.

I'll see you.

I could be a dad.

It says, "Please be showered, shaved, and no pubic hair."

Holy shit.

I mean, we talked about it a little bit.

She said pubic hair, you know, prevents people from getting as deep

as... You know, as possible.

Then do it.

I'm kind of... I have butterflies in my stomach right now.

You should have butterflies in your penis.

I feel... I feel... I feel happier than I have since I broke up with Nicole.

High-five.

Kickflip.

You need to control every single thing that happens in that room.

Not only will it make you feel better, it's gonna turn her on.

I would actually be more comfortable if I didn't have

to be in control. I like letting it...

I would be more comfortable

if my brother wasn't an old woman.

Shall we check further along?

Dude, you're being a pussy.

Slightly, yes. I mean, very slightly.

I don't know where to begin with her, though.

What do I say? What do I...

You say...

You say anything you want to say.

You have no reason to freak out.

I... I'm... I'm... I'm thinking of all the possibilities.

She could, you know, get on top, take the initiative,

and, you know, just... Just be a man for... Just this once.

You need to grow a pair of balls.

I have balls. Fucking give it to her.

I have the balls to give it to her.

She's gonna fuck your brains out.

Yeah.

Oh, that's gonna hurt.

All right, I got a razor, buddy.

You ready?

Such a... This is, like, the weirdest situation I've ever been in.

Let's do this.

Why is that funny? It's not a massage.

You rub it around the fucking hairy parts,

not your whole dick, you weirdo.

Just keep shaving, man.

It's tedious work, dude.

You're not really getting very much off.

Can't see what I'm doing.

Just push hard. Push harder.

Hey, you got this. You're golden.

I can't do it.

Yes, you can, dude. Get up.

You can do this.

I can't. Yeah, I'll do it with you.

Could you? 'Cause I really can't.

No, my hands are shaking too much.

So, when you're fucking her tonight, you know what you should say?

I was thinking about this last week. You should say,

"Girl, I'm gonna fuck the taste right out of your mouth."

No. No, I'm not saying that to anyone.

It's classy. It's not classy.

It's very classy. That's something...

That's like holding the door for a woman.

Saying that I want to fuck the taste

out of the woman?

Absolutely.

I am good at this.

You ready? This is it.

Let's go.

Becca?

Becca!

Hey!

The lock is messed up. I'll lower a key to you.

Okay.

Got it.

Okay, come on up.

Wow.

All right.

Okay, bye.

Bye. I'll see you guys later. Have fun.

Bye, Zack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just finding the stairs.

I found them. They're here.

Your suit's nice.

You look good. I jacked off twice today thinking about you.

Oh! Yeah, you know, right back at you. I've just been, like, 24-7.

That's flattering.

Did you do everything that I asked you to do?

Yeah. Yeah?

Mmm-hmm.

Clothes off.

Mmm? Sorry?

Take your... Take your clothes off. Let's see. I mean, you know.

How was your day?

It was good. Good.

Yeah?

All right. Come on in. Have a seat on my bed.

Little champagne? No?

Don't have any. So, what do you want to do to me?

Good sex requires good communication.

All right, what if I started off with...

Massaging your shoulders.

Okay, that's... That's a good start.

And...

What else?

I'm not sure. That's all... That's all for right now.

That's all I can think of.

Okay. That's... That's what you fantasize about 24-7,

jacking off to massaging? Massaging my shoulders?

Yeah, but then, whatever happens, happens. Right? You know?

Goes from there to the lower back to the buttocks.

Yeah. You know what?

I'm not really getting hot from that. Sorry.

No, wait, no.

Okay, what if after all that,

I fuck the taste out of your mouth.

That's good?

What? What...

Okay. Tell me, why would I need the taste fucked out of my mouth?

I don't... What does that mean?

Well, I... If you need... If, like... I don't know.

Do you think that I need the taste fucked out of my mouth?

I don't think... No. I don't think you need it.

I'm just saying that maybe it's, like, a...

No. No.

Just forget I said it. Let's start at the beginning.

Sorry.

Okay, you know what we're gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

Have you ever gone down on a girl? Given a girl head?

I mean, I got really close.

It was, like, inches away from my face.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, that's where we're gonna start.

Okay.

Bend over here, and we're just gonna pretend that this is me.

That's... That has a penis.

So, yeah. Just follow me over here. She can just lay right here.

And, you know, we're just gonna start from the basics.

Okay, if you need some support,

pretend that the asshole is a pussy. If you need to.

Get on your knees first.

On your knees. On your knees.

Okay, take her legs up. There you go.

Pretend... Pretend that's me. All right.

Yeah. There you go.

Now, just start kissing. There you go.

Now, take your hand and move it to the inside of her leg.

Yeah? It's a little happy spot, just the top.

Lick and caress me. How does that feel?

Oh, my God. ZACK: Don't fucking laugh. That's not funny.

You like that? You just gotta stay with that for...

I've seen enough. Can we please turn it off, now?

Wait. It gets worse.

Hi, my name is not actually Becca. My real name is Kelly.

Becca was a persona that I created

for my graduate thesis this year

on the simplicity of men.

I never returned to the loft last night.

Matt was so desperate for sex and had so little self-respect

that he waited for my return for 162 minutes.

None of my other test subjects waited for more than 50.

Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland.

♪ Eleven, 12, 13 spots

♪ Thirteen spots are on a big giraffe

♪ A baby giraffe, a baby giraffe

♪ Let's count the spots on the baby... ♪

If you would like any more of this information,

you can find it at my website, male-animal.info.

That's male-animal.I-N-F-O. Thanks very much.

And also, I borrowed that kid. He's not really my kid. Thank you.

How did we miss this?

He looks like an idiot.

Yeah, that's... That's his own fault!

Is it his own fault? Yeah, I didn't tell him

to eat out a fucking tranny doll!

Yeah, well, you told him...

He waited around for 162 minutes.

What... You told him!

Because he's a guy!

He doesn't know how to deal with women. His fault.

You told Matt to have sex with a girl on the Internet.

Low on the priority list right now.

You're appalled? You're appalled?

I... I am absolutely disgusted.

You have a camera attached to you

at all times.

Yeah, man. This is true.

This is what you are doing.

Jesus. Where's the camera?

Right there.

No! Oh, fuck!

I told you not to show anybody!

Where did you come from?

Guys, stop it. Fight like men! My God!

Matt, why the fuck are you so mad?

Because you ruined my life!

No, I didn't!

You were just Rickrolled! Calm down!

You're just Chocolate Rain! This will pass!

Matty? Can we come in?

Maybe he just needs some time to sort things out.

You can't let him just sleep all day.

He won't show his face over there anymore. Can you blame him?

Good Lord, what that girl did to him.

Well, you know, the school year's almost over,

so maybe he can just get his GED.

Matt! Come on!

Matt, come in the pool, man.

No.

This is how you have sex. You have to have your whole body on the inside.

Matthew.

Stop it. Stop!

Dude, what the fuck?

Matt, you can fuck the taste out of my mouth!

I'm a descendent of Cleopatra.

This video is fucking bullshit,

that you fucking give men a fucking bad name, Matt.

I don't care how big of a fucking nerd Matt is.

Matt, you're a fucking nerd, and you know it!

You're licking the fucking ass of a fucking male... What the fuck?

Do you want to explain these dolls to me?

Well... Jesus Christ, Mom!

Hey, Matt? You know I'm sorry, right?

Dude, come on!

Dude, they're my muffins!

This isn't even my fault.

Maybe you should stop feeling sorry for yourself

and get off your ass and do something.

That's easy for you to say, man.

You don't have a dead mother and a prick father.

You have two wonderful parents who do whatever you ask them to do.

They're your parents, too!

They're not my parents. They're just two people who took pity on me

because their own biological son was such a fuckup

that he should have been aborted the second he was conceived.

You know what? That's not nice.

So, fuck you, and fuck your muffins.

Everyone say "suck it!"

Suck it! Suck it!

What the fuck?

Wait, wait, come back. We have to rap.

Oh, fuck!

Fuck-you cam!

Why do you always fucking bring the camera around?

It's so fucking gay!

Fuck-you cam! Fuck-you cam!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

That's my hat. When did you get my hat?

It's a nice hat.

Yeah, you're fucking...

Matt can talk to me himself.

He's not going to. He hasn't left his room in two weeks.

Well, that's his fault. I couldn't fix it.

You fucking cheated on Matt.

I think he's so insecure that his heart is so broken

that he's never gonna be able to forgive me, and it's never gonna work.

So, Nicole, why haven't you and Matt had sex yet?

Ask him.

No, I'm gonna ask you.

It's okay. I... You know, it's my fault.

I just want it all to be perfect.

It's gonna be perfect. I don't know why you worry about it so much.

Can we just change the subject, please?

Yeah. I just don't want to complicate it,

you know?

Yeah.

Nicole, do you think Matt's over-thinking this?

Yes. Absolutely.

Yeah.

You're just, like, get it out of the way.

Yeah.

Matt has fallen ill with two acute medical conditions.

Blue balls and a broken heart. And my associate, Jacob, and I

have found a way to cure this problem.

With all the bad shit that Matt's been through,

this is the perfect way to turn his frown upside down and just get him fucked.

Yeah. I completely agree. There we go. There she is. Sunny Leone.

We spoke to Sunny, we agreed on a price,

and now we just need to raise the money.

The one thing is, she's also very expensive.

We both really want him to be happy,

and I think this is one of the only ways,

if not the only way, this is actually gonna happen,

so we have to get the money together

to get this girl to just fuck his brains out,

and hopefully he'll just shit the stick right out of his ass.

It'd be good for him.

Not bad.

We need you all to look as attractive as you possibly can.

Which isn't very hard.

Car wash! Whoo!

Would you like some chocolate?

We're raising money for our friend Matt.

He's a virgin, and we're trying to...

hire his favorite pornographic film star...

You know, Sunny Leone...

Do you know who Sunny Leone is?

To spend some time with him, if you know what I mean.

We want to get him laid.

Happy Christmas!

A friend is losing his virginity to a porn star,

and I'm hiring her, so I need some money.

All right, how much is a chocolate?

No, I'm not... Let me see if I got something.

All right. That's what I'm talking about. Come on.

No, no, it's for the... It's for the kid.

Don't!

Are you kidding me?

Twenty.

Five dollars.

Happy Christmas!

Have you ever lost your virginities? You want to meet my friend?

We raised all the money.

Now the only problem is getting Matt out of the house.

- That's the goal. - What's going on?

Matt won't come out of his room,

so we're about to get Jacob some army clothes.

You're actually going to join the army?

Absolutely.

Really?

No, no.

I'm just gonna give him some initiative to get out of the house

and do something, so he can get his life back together.

If he doesn't come out for that, that's the straw, bro.

I think he'll do it. JACOB: Yeah.

Where are most of the uniforms?

Fucker!

Oh, hello! I'm liking these.

Exactly.

Dude, that's a boy scout uniform.

Ooh! Hello! ZACK: I like black.

♪ Working all night

- Perfect. Let's go. - That's nice. Sexy.

Thanks, baby. JUSTIN: I just want to rape you

up the butt right now.

Put the sailor hat on. Dingbat!

I'm here.

Everybody ready? All right, ladies. Fuck that. Come on.

This is very, very important.

I can't believe you joined the army.

Hey, buddy. I'm really going to miss you, bro.

You know, if I don't do it, who will?

Do I want to die? No. Of course not.

Do I want to kill somebody? Fuck, yeah.

Hook me up, Zack.

Dude, you know where you're going yet?

Yeah, I'm going all over the place. I'm going all over the world.

I mean, fucking many places. I'm doing a full 10, 12...

I'm gonna do a 15-year tour.

After I ship out, we might never hang out again.

That's why tonight we're gonna have the best night of our lives.

Fucking-A.

Yeah, let's make a to... Okay.

Fuck toasts.

I'll pour another one, I'll pour another one.

Freedom of the Iraqi people that I will help bring, 'cause that's one of the...

Just cheers to it. Yeah! Yeah!

Cheers! ALL: Cheers!

Whoo! You sound like a bunch of maniacs.

Hey, guys, let's send this fucker off to Iran, huh?

Let's do it. Ready for a good time, Matty?

Yes, absolutely.

Matty boy!

All right. We're on the VIP comp sheet.

I know.

Okay. Let's go.

♪ Do your feet don't follow?

♪ Talking with your mouth, but your head is hollow

♪ Maybe when the circus comes I'll buy you bubblegum

♪ Show you where to stand

♪ Hold your hand till your mama comes ♪

Whoo-hoo!

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

this is what you've been waiting for, boys.

Very special treat for you on the stage

is triple-X superstar, the Vivid contract girl.

You might have seen her in such films

asDark Side of Sunny, It's Sunny in Brazil,

andSunny & Cher. Guys, coming up here on the main stage.

Let's give a huge, warm welcome

to the one and only Miss Sunny Leone!

Leave the camera off.

It's off. It's off. It's off.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are looking

for that big round of applause.

People, put those hands together right now. Better make some noise.

That is Sunny Leone herself, stepping down

on to the main stage for you there.

It doesn't get any better than that.

What?

Let's go!

Matt, we fucking hooked you up.

Hooked you up.

I don't understand.

Dude, we got... We got you something that's, like, fucking insane.

I don't know how to explain it.

It's nothing but good things.

Hey. Um...

Does it mean...

No. Fuck it.

Come on, dude.

Just be yourself.

Hi.

How's it going, guys? Hi, Matt.

It's really nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Sunny, anytime I walk in on Matt masturbating...

Aw.

It's true.

It's nice. I'm glad I can help you out.

Thank you. Did you guys like the show?

Yes. Yes. ZACK: It was amazing.

You were great. Poignant.

Could I have one of these DVDs?

Do you got $20, sailor?

No. I don't even have any pockets.

Then you gotta put it back down.

Well, I'm going to get undressed and re-dressed,

and I'll see you in a couple of minutes.

All right. Okay.

You guys are awesome.

Little cute boy.

Oh, my God. This is, like, the Millennium Falconof buses.

What's up, guys? Come on in. Hey.

Hi. This is my boyfriend, Dirty.

Dirty. JACOB: What's up? Pleasure to meet you.

Hey, Dirty.

Heard about your shitty situation with your girl. Sucks.

Thanks, man.

I wrote you something. I want to play it for you.

You know, give a listen.

♪ Oh, Matty

♪ Got fucked over by Nicole

♪ Oh, Matty

♪ Got fucked over by Nicole

You like it? Yeah? Work in progress, though.

I appreciate the song. Yeah.

Thank you.

I like the chord progressions.

Do you guys want to know how romantic Daniel is?

He sent me flowers all across the country just to win me over.

And this is before we banged, just to let you know.

This is how men get women. They're very romantic.

That's right, be good to your girls.

You know, when Zack first came to me and told me what happened

and everything that you went through,

I thought that, you know, maybe we could do this,

but Daniel and I talked it over,

and I can't do this. I'm sorry.

You're really sweet, but...

It's just not right, dude.

Are you kidding?

Why? Is it...

When you have sex with somebody for the first time,

it should be with somebody special

and someone that you care about, maybe in love with.

I love you. DANIEL: Oh, boy.

You don't love me. You don't know me.

I do. I've read all of your interviews, I've seen all of your movies.

You're smart and funny.

Making love to you tonight would be a memory I could cherish.

Kid, you're embarrassing yourself.

Sunny, Matt has been through so much shit.

I mean, terrible, terrible shit.

You have to help him fuck away the tears.

Zack, that's... Not appropriate.

"Fuck away the tears"?

No matter how much you have sex,

you can never fuck away the tears.

Trust me, I know.

You're a really sweet kid,

but you shouldn't lose your virginity like this.

If I...

If I can't do this, do that, you know, with you,

could I just spend, like, five minutes with you alone?

Just... Only just five minutes.

We're not gonna have sex.

Right.

We're just gonna talk.

Yes, I got that.

Okay. Okay.

You all right in there, baby? It's been five minutes.

Okay. Everything's fine.

What did they say?

They're good.

Can you move over, man?

Oh. Yeah. Sure.

I saw this shit on ESPN2, where, like,

these little Asian kids stack cups.

It's like... They do, like, like, crazy-ass shit.

Thanks again. SUNNY: All right.

Hey, what happened? What happened?

Sorry, excuse me. JACOB: What the fuck?

Thank you very much, sir.

- Yeah, no problem. - I really appreciate it.

All right, guys, let's get out of here. Come on, let's go.

Okay. Fine. Whatever. All right, guys.

Good luck to you. MATT: Thanks again, everybody.

Matt? Dude? What happened? Matt.

After I talk with Nicole, I promise, everything will be...

What? What does Nicole have to do about that?

Uh, Matt? MATT: Yeah.

Did you have sex with Sunny Leone?

All right. I sucked her tits.

$2,500, and all you did was suck her tits?

Can we just please stay focused on finding Nicole?

Be aggressive.

What did he say, dude?

He said he was going to take my glasses and shove them up my rectum.

Yeah, I don't feel like getting molested today.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Where you going? What are you doing?

Hey, man... Hey, what are you doing?

Go, go, go, go, go.

Yeah, yeah. That's what I thought. All right.

Put that there.

Fuck!

Where is she?

Her keys aren't even here. What the fuck, dude?

Did you even call her or...

Well, I wanted to talk to her in person. I said...

Yeah, but you... I... I couldn't...

You never assume someone's at their house.

Maybe she's in your room.

Holy shit! Fuck! Fuck!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I don't...

Open this door now!

I'm gonna call the police!

Hang on! I got it. I got it.

That was my finger!

Open the door! We gotta get the fuck out of here.

Fuck you, Justin. JUSTIN: Out the window?

- Will you be okay? - Yeah, whatever.

Okay. Okay.

Guys, run!

Look out! There's a puppy.

Dude! Run, now!

We gotta go? Yeah!

Holy shit.

Hey, all of you, shut up. Hey, cheese. What?

Where is it? Okay, bye. She's going to a party.

Wait. What kind of a party?

Anybody seen a girl named Nicole?

Harry! Harry!

Hey, it's Zack.

You remember, uh, my brother Matt?

You sucked my brother's girlfriend's tits?

They're not letting us into the party.

You must be Matt. Is that right?

Yeah.

Yeah? What's up, buddy? Nice to meet you.

Matt. Yeah.

Hey, it's Jacob.

These four are good. One, two, three, four. No, no, no, no?

All you guys, we're going in this way.

We're going down there. Let's go.

Follow my voice.

Hello.

Awesome.

Hey, Nicole?

Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

What kind of fucking frat house do you run here?

Is that her right there?

Where?

Right there, in the green.

The green talking to the guy in the white?

It's not her.

Nicole!

Matt! MATT: Nicole.

What are you doing here?

Okay.

Uh...

I don't care, Matt.

I don't care about you and Harry any more,

'cause I had my own, you know, uh, event.

Matt, I know I said I wouldn't film,

but you're gonna thank me later,

'cause your dick looks huge.

Oh!

Hi. JACOB: You all right?

Where are we parked?

Matthew!

Put it to your lips. On your lips. Just inhale. Take a deep breath and rip it.

Oh! Whoo!

Hold it. Hold it. Release.

Welcome to the club, man.

Virginity... I thank you, sirs.

Completed. Virginity lost.

I...

Virginity depleted.

I feel... JACOB: Virginity...

Virginity done, son.

Give us the details.

Yeah. So, what was it like?

These are the rules, you know. What are the details?

Oh. Come on.

Hey, respect his privacy. He just got laid. Give him some minutes.

Thank you.

You just need to promise me you'll tell me one thing.

Just one thing, that's all I want to know.

I'll try. I will.

Does she squirt?

Did she have a geyser? 'Cause she totally looks like...

Her vagina was like Old Yeller.

No, not Old Yeller. Old Yeller's a dog. Yellow, you're thinking of...

Yellowstone Park. Yeah.

Old Geyser.

No, not...

Old Yeller. Old Yeller was the dog.

Old Yeller is the dog.

What's the name of the geyser?

Old Geyser. No.

Old face...

Face/Off!

Jacob, close it out!

Good man.

Here's, here's a better question. Did Matt pull out?

No. JACOB: Hell no.

Nicole.

Nicole's not here. Nicole!

You didn't really bring Nicole.

Guest of the hour.

That is so sweet.

Can Nicole take her first hit, too?

Nicole, will you take your first hit? Should I do this?

Yeah, come on. Make love to you.

First time fuckers. Big rip. Big rip. Big rip. Pull out.

Get in there.

All right. You got it? Lock lips. Like, air tight.

It's all about the air tightness. Right here.

Yeah!

We did it!

If I had to impart any of my wisdom from this experience,

I just want to say, "Do it with somebody that you love."

But when you do it, do it hard and do it long. And fast.

Ow!

♪ Oh, my God Oh, you think I'm in control

♪ Oh, my God Oh, you think it's all for fun

♪ Oh, my God Oh, you think I'm in control

♪ Oh, my God Oh, you think it's all for fun

♪ Find a cure Find a cure for her life

♪ Find a cure Find a cure for her life

♪ Find a cure Find a cure for her life

♪ Find a cure Find a cure for her life

♪ Put a price Put a price on my soul

♪ Put a price Put a price on my soul

♪ Put a price Put a price on my soul

♪ Put a price Put a price on my soul

♪ Oh, my God Oh, you think I'm in control

♪ Oh, my God Oh, you think it's all for fun

♪ Oh, my God Oh, you think I'm in control

♪ Oh, my God Oh, you think it's all for fun

♪ Put a price Put a price on your soul

♪ Put a price Put a price on your soul

♪ Put a price Put a price on your soul

♪ Put a price Put a price on your soul ♪

Come on, get him!

My favorite thing that I ever saw on the Internet,

on the YouTube, was a horse getting hit by a train.

What?

Wow! You saw that?

Yeah. It was almost as good as chimp-frogging,

where the monkey was being given head by the frog.

♪ You call my name

♪ When I'm leavin'

♪ I think about all the time, fallin' out

♪ Before I believe it

♪ You call my name

♪ When I don't need it

♪ I know the night, when the timin' is right

♪ I want to see you

♪ Set it up

♪ Set it up

♪ I hear your name

♪ In conversation

♪ They don't know what I know

♪ And I know I'm gonna see you

♪ I call your name

♪ When I'm leavin'

♪ I surprise myself again

♪ I wanna see you

♪ Set it up

♪ Set it up

♪ Call my name

♪ When I'm leavin'

♪ I know the night, when the timin' is right

♪ I think about all the time, fallin' out

♪ I think about all the time, fallin' out

♪ Before I believe it

♪ Set it up

♪ Set it up

♪ Set it up

♪ I want to see you

♪ Set it up

♪ I want to see you

♪ Set it up

♪ I'm gonna see you

♪ Hey, girl

♪ Can you hear me knocking on your door?

♪ And you know just what I came here for

♪ Hey, girl

♪ Can I have the icin' on the cake?

♪ 'Cause there's still some noise we need to make

♪ I can think of some ways we can get through the day

♪ Just say yes to this play

♪ If you call, I'll come, it's a million to one

♪ We can get some things done

♪ And there's no time like today!

♪ Kiss me, king me, get me high

♪ Take me to your Slip 'N Slide

♪ I'll say what you want to hear

♪ Anything to get you near

♪ Hey, girl

♪ Can you feel me tuggin' on your sleeve?

♪ There's important goals we can achieve

♪ Hey, girl

♪ 'Cause it's getting hard for me to wait

♪ And you are the master of my fate

♪ You be Meg, I'll be Tom

♪ It's a silly rom-com...

♪ Oh, Matty

♪ Got fucked over by Nicole

♪ Oh, Matty

♪ I thought I'd give you Sunny's hole

♪ Oh, Matty

You know, I'm still writing it, but you get the point.

Whoo!

- Dirty, that was beautiful. - So that's a verse?

That was so romantic.