All language subtitles for Hacks.2021.S03E09.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab+AMZN.en

- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh, Deborah.

- Marty's in a meeting.
- That's okay.

But you can't go in there.

- Oh, I think I can.
- Wait!

- Deborah!
- Wow. I didn't see that coming.

I'll give you two a minute.
That's usually all he needs.

- Ernesto, take five.
- Ah, okay.

Big fan.

Victoria wanted me
to brush up on my tango

for our first dance at the wedding.

Well, where is she?

I think I've heard
that it takes two to tango.

She made it to the finals of
the Lyon backgammon tournament.

She's a competitive
backgammon player.

She's not good, you pay to play.
It doesn't matter.

What do you want?

Oh, I thought
you might want this back.

I don't know what this is.

It's the master key card
to the Palmetto.

- What?
- Yeah.

It lets me into every room
in the casino.

And a couple of the safes.

Oh my God, how do you have this?

Now I gotta report
to the gaming commission

and fill out all the paperwork.
Damn it.

Well, I don't need it anymore
because I'm moving to LA.

to host Late Night.

- You got it!
- Yes.

Oh, my God!

I am so happy for you.
I know how hard you worked for it.

Thank you.

And I appreciate
you telling me in person.

Well, no, I just came
to give you the key back.

Oh, okay.

Anyway, where'd you find
this Ernesto?

He needs to unlock your hips.

Oh, really? Why don't you show me?

- Okay.
- Okay.

She got it.

Turn.

And snap.

Attagirl.

Oh, oh, next, I need to narrow down
what pens we're gonna pack.

Okay. The Caran d'Ache
Astrograph, obviously.

I will add that to the list.

Oh, shit.

I gotta take this. Sorry.

- Yeah. Sure.
- Just give me a second.

Hi, Kathy. How are you?

I'm good. I'm really looking forward
to our weekend.

What time are you getting in
on Saturday?

I was just about to call you.

Actually... well, it's not
officially announced yet

but I just got
my own late-night show.

Oh wow! That's... that's amazing,
congratulations!

Thank you.
But it's gotten kinda crazy

around here, as you can imagine.

I know we were gonna spend
the whole weekend together

but I really can only do Sunday now.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I... I think
I can move some stuff around.

Great, great. I look forward to it.

Me too. Oh, and I thought
maybe after lunch

we could go by and visit Mom and Dad

at the mausoleum on the way back?

Oh, sure.
Yeah, let's... let's do it.

- See ya soon.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, I've been texting you.

Sorry, I'm trying to set up
all these kickoff meetings

for Deborah and the network.

Okay, well,
isn't that my job, dillweed?

There's a lot of important things
we need to set in motion

and I just think
this is too high-stakes for you.

Oh, my God. I said I was sorry

about the double-booking
and the tweet!

It's like you make one mistake
and you're crucified

like Jesus Christ
on the frigging cross.

That was two mistakes in one week.
Also, that's my coffee!

It's nasty, anyways.
It needs some sugar or something.

I was texting you because
I actually did something really good.

I got us a meeting with
Bella Donaldson.

Wait, who is that again?

You know, she was like a Disney kid.

But now she's pivoting
into being an adult.

She's in the new Aronofsky movie
which is getting a lot of award buzz.

- Oh, yeah.
- She fired her reps.

I went to Oakwood with her
so I e-mailed her

and she wants to meet up to talk
about potential representation.

Oh, wow, that's good.

It's not good, it's really good!

Oh, it's four-one-one-seven

and you're gonna wanna pull up hard
on the handle.

Yeah, harder than you think,
like really yank it!

Yeah, yeah.

We really need
to get an office, I think.

I know, let's just pick one.

Tonight has been
the honor of my life.

It's always been a dream of mine.

And I'm just so...
I'm such a big baby!

I'm just so proud to host this show.

And I'm even more proud
to share it with my family.

Hey.

You watching old game tape?

Yeah.

"Biff Cliff"?

Was your show produced
by a cartoon duck?

You don't know who Biff Cliff is?

He's a legend.
He ran the network for 40 years.

He greenlit Who's Making Dinner?

Okay, love him.

Also killed my Late Night show.

Motherfucker, where's he buried?

I'll take a shit
on his fucking grave.

Oh no, no, he's alive.

Yeah, men like him live
hundreds and hundreds of years.

So, what'd you wanna talk about?

Well, I know
your hiatus is ending soon

and you're going back
to your show in a few weeks.

But I was wondering if...

you would consider
coming to my show

as head writer.

Yeah, so, you know how you told me
to keep writing my own stuff

- while I was here?
- Yeah.

Well, I did.

And I wanted to show you
what I've been working on.

Okay.

What is this?

Every time I started working
on my own idea, I just got stuck.

But then I started writing stuff
for your Late Night show

and I just couldn't stop.

You know this would've been
a huge waste of your time

if I hadn't gotten it.

I knew you would.

So, you in?

Of course.

- This is gonna be amazing!
- Great!

And these are Deborah's
recurring corporate gigs.

I've highlighted the ones
that are coming up

in the next 18 months.

It would be great
if we could book anything

that happens
before production starts.

- Right.
- Oh, every three months

we send a Harry & David
gourmet fruit basket

to Deborah's accountant alternating
between citrus and pear

so he's more inclined to take
Deborah's calls at all hours.

And in the unlikely event
of a break-in

there is a safe
in the primary closet.

That's a dummy safe.

The jewels in there
are practically worthless.

Follow me. The real safe is
in the floor of the pool.

Wait! You're leaving?

- No!
- Damien!

No, you can't leave!

I don't wanna be the new Marcus!
I can't do it! I don't want it!

- Calm down!
- I don't wanna know

when one fiscal quarter ends
and another begins!

I don't want Deborah
to confide in me! Please!

You're gonna be just fine, I promise.

- Does Deborah know?
- Not yet.

She's gonna freak, and guess
who's she gonna take it out on?

Me!

No!

Okay. Okay.

I don't wanna talk to vendors!

I don't even pay my own taxes!

- Hello, hi.
- You okay?

Oh, yeah.
I'm a little nervous, but who isn't?

- Really?
- Yeah, sure.

Yes, your party's right over there.

- Oh my God!
- Hello, my girlie-girlie girl!

- Miss you!
- Oh, my Pepperoni Stick.

Oh, I'm so happy to see you!

- Hi. Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.
- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Yeah. We're right over here.
- Thanks.

I'm sorry I'm late,
I just had this general with Baz...

- Luhrman?
- Yeah, that's the one.

He's so cute.

You know, ever since
this goat demon movie came out

it's just been crazy.

All good, but crazy.

Congrats on that, by the way.
I loved it. I wasn't even scared.

It's not supposed to be scary.

And I wasn't. Yeah.

So good. You were awesome in it.

- You're great. You're great in it.
- Oh, thank you!

Everyone sees me
as a Disney kid, obviously

so this is a really huge opportunity
for me to rebrand.

And I love what you've done
with Deborah.

She's my queen.

And how fun would it be
to work together, Pepperoni Stick?

So fun!

What is this "Pepperoni Stick" thing?

- Oh my God, you didn't tell him?
- No.

- Do you wanna tell him?
- No!

You want me to tell him?
Oh, my God. Okay, I will, I will.

There was this sleepover

where Kayla was caught watching
Zack & Cody

with a pepperoni stick
in her sleeping bag.

I'll let you fill in the rest.

I was eating it.

Also, whenever Kayla would go
to the bathroom at a sleepover

we would all
run out of the house and hide

and at my 12th birthday

she literally just watched
American Beauty with my mom.

Lisa has a great laugh.

You're such a dork.

Oh, sorry... sorry.

Sorry.

Oh God, if they called back,
it must mean that it's important.

Okay sorry, I'll be right back.

Rob, baby, how are you doin'?

Yes.

Oh, yes, yes.
Oh, God, I love saxophone. Yes.

I'm gonna have to call ya back.

- Oh, my God.
- Okay, bye.

Sorry, that was really urgent.

So, where were we?

Oh, yeah...

I can't believe you took that.

- It's a really busy time.
- Oh, I've heard.

I'm making an effort.
I came all the way here.

Yeah, to roll calls
at our parents' gravesite?

- Real nice.
- I apologized!

It's just so disrespectful!

Mom's probably doing flips in there.

Oh, please. She's not even in there.

What?

I... I moved them.

To Vegas.

- What?
- It was '97

and a plot opened up next to mine.

I... I took it.
I mean, it was time-sensitive.

Those plots never open up.
It was a corner plot.

Oh, my God!

Why are you laughing?
What's funny?

You are a monster!

- I used my art shipper!
- Oh, my God!

Why have I spent my entire life

trying to make amends
with someone so awful?

I did one really bad thing,
but you have done hundreds

and this may be the worst.

I'm sorry, I am. I'm...

I... I should have told you.

Told me?
You shouldn't have done it!

But you know what? It doesn't matter.
It... it's a relief, actually.

I can't keep going
to the hardware store for milk.

- What?
- It's a therapy thing.

Listen, I know it was wrong,
but it was a long time ago.

And today has been so nice.

Has it?

You cut our weekend short.

You spent the entire lunch talking
about who should be your bandleader.

You took a work call

at what I thought was
our parents' gravesite.

You of all people should know
how important this show is to me.

I do.

And weirdly,
I'm happy for you, I am.

But it's not gonna make
dealing with you any easier, is it?

I don't... I don't think
I want this in my life.

I can't do it.

Kathy.

Break a leg.

Everyone says the food's bad

but I love ceviche,
so I was a happy boy.

But enough about me,
how was your hiatus?

Really good.

Yeah, I actually did some freelance
work with Deborah Vance again.

Oh, yeah. Congrats to her.
Good choice.

Yeah, I agree.

Listen, I just wanted to say
I love working here

and I'm so grateful for
the opportunity.

But I just wanted
to give my notice in person.

I'm gonna stay on with Deborah
and be head writer on her new show.

Well, I hate to lose you,
you're an asset here.

You're the hardest-working person
in this office.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Well, how 'bout this? How about
I make you head writer here?

Thomas is leaving.

He's got a book deal for his memoir
about his sex addiction.

Not supposed to mention it,
but leaves an opening here.

That is so nice.
I so appreciate that.

But I just think the work
I need to do is with Deborah.

All right.
Well, we're gonna miss you.

Good luck. And hey...

the universe works in
mysterious ways.

Maybe our paths will cross again.

Yeah, thanks.

And I knew about
Thomas' sex addiction.

He always comes back
sweating from lunch.

It's like, we don't have a gym.

Yeah.

It's good he's going.
It's good he's going.

So as far as brand deals

I've been leveraging Maytag
and Frigidaire against each other.

- It's getting nasty.
- Really?

- That's interesting.
- Yeah.

Do you remember
when I convinced you

to climb into the dryer?

And my cleaning lady turned it on?

Only a little, 'cause of that
grade-two concussion.

Oh, my God. That's right!

Is that why you dress like that?

Yeah, my stuff's so ridiculous.

Hi, excuse me.
Hi, we are like, huge fans.

Can we get a photo? Look,
I'm sorry if I'm bothering you.

Of course, yeah!

Thanks for saying hi!

- Yeah, I'll take it.
- Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. I mean,
we have this hilarious dynamic.

I was always the funny one

so everyone was always
laughing at me.

Okay, 'cause it just seems like
she's being kind of mean.

- No. No.
- It was nice to meet you two.

Okay, bye. Tag me.

Oh, my God. That reminds me.

Pepperoni Stick used to go on
all our family vacations

so that she could take the pictures.

And we could do that again,
you know what I mean?

All my press tours and stuff

- you could come with.
- So fun.

Okay, you know what, Bella?

You seem like a really
promising actress on the rise.

- Thank you.
- And I'm really excited to see

what Frigidaire and Maytag
have in store for you

but unfortunately, I just don't think
that we're the right fit for you.

So best of luck with your career,
we're gonna go.

Come on, Kayla.

I... I don't know what that was.
I'll go check on him.

Sorry.

Okay, that was insane,
random, rude, and weird.

Hey, what the hell?

I did not like how that girl
was treating you, okay?

She's not your friend,
she's your bully.

And we're not gonna work
with people that treat you like that.

Well, did ya wanna ask me
how I felt about it, first?

Are you mad at me?
I was defending you.

I worked really hard
to set that meeting up.

Okay, I'm sorry I don't wanna work
with people who are mean to you.

Also, it's not exactly your job
to recruit new talent.

Your job is to do assistant stuff,
like not double-book meetings...

I'm sorry I suck, okay?

I mean, when I was at Latitude

I thought, even though
everybody here thinks I'm a fuck-up

and I'm just there because
of my dad, at least you didn't.

So then I stayed.
And then when we left

I thought, oh wow, now we get to do

this like, really cool,
awesome new thing together.

And now I realize that
you just think I'm a fuck-up, too.

- That's not true.
- Yeah, it is.

You always roll your eyes at me.

You tell me every time
I mess up your lunch order.

And what happened in there
just proves my point.

You don't care what I think!

And yeah, I mess up a lot,
but I'm really trying.

Okay, I'm sorry, all right?

I'm sorry. Can we just...
can we talk about this in the car?

No, I'm not coming.

I... I need to
just think about things.

What do you mean?

I don't know
if this career is for me.

I need to just like get out of LA,
and, you know, clear my head.

Kayla, come on.

Hi. Is Biff home?

So, congratulations are in order.

Thank you.

- So how can I help you?
- I was just in the neighborhood

and my day suddenly opened up

and I wanted to talk to you
about my new show.

Well, before I do all this again...

I really need to know
why it didn't work the first time.

You know.

The house fire, the bad press.

I know, I know.
I've just always thought

that if I had been
a little bit better

a little bit funnier...

if I'd been undeniable...

it could've happened.

That's just the problem
with you creatives.

You think it's all about talent
and hard work.

The harder I work,
the more successful I'll be.

It's true, it is.
But it's also about luck.

And you can't control luck.

You guys want it so bad

you trick yourself into
thinking you can.

Deborah, you were undeniable.

In the history of our network

we never had a pilot that
tested that well.

It went through the roof.

- Seriously?
- Yeah, but it didn't matter

because it wasn't
about good or funny.

We just couldn't handle
all that bad publicity.

But couldn't you?

I mean, Jimmy Page dated
a 14-year-old.

He sold out his tour the next year.

Deborah, there are a million factors
in getting a show on the air

or keeping it on the air.

With a woman,
make it a million and one.

You're talented,
everybody knows that.

You work hard, everybody knows that.

All ya gotta do is pray
that something doesn't happen

that gives them an excuse to say no.

Other than that, good luck.

Thanks.

So, are you an actor?

Oh, no. No.

No, I'm just about to start a new job

and there's gonna be
an announcement

so I just needed new headshots.

- That's very exciting.
- Yeah.

I'm not really supposed to like,
say what it is though.

Okay.

I'm gonna be the head writer
of Deborah Vance's

new Late Night show.

Cool!

Yeah, it's kinda like,
my dream job, so...

Okay, now that I know
you're a writer

I think I should start over.

Oh, okay.

You're probably
gonna wear glasses, right?

Probably not, 'cause I don't...
I don't wear glasses.

But you'll hold a pencil?

Did I get ya?

Can you hold? Hold one sec.

Gotcha, girl. Found one.

The voicemail box of...

Kayla Schaef...

Fuck off!
The light was yellow, you bitch!

...is full.

Hello, hello! There's our new
face of the network!

Hi, Winnie.

Jimmy, it was fun
smacking you around last night.

Oh. Pickleball. Not sex.

Come on up.
Everyone's excited about you.

Big risk, big reward!

Thank you.

Well, you really pack 'em in here.

You have the full weight
of the network behind you.

We wanted you to meet everyone.

Great, great!

The last time I had this meeting
it was just me

and a couple of guys day-drinking
at Musso and Franks.

So, we have Billy from programming,
Angela from PR

Patrick from legal,
Ron from clearances.

Tom Buckamayer
who runs our digital team

Priya on social,
Nina who's on queer social

Dana on algorithms and data

Paul from marketing and Regina
from international marketing

'cause you'll be in Europe
and most of Asia.

Oh yeah, lotta eyeballs.

Then we have our brand integration

and ad sales team in the back.
Wave, guys!

Guys, wave!

Sorry about that.

- Let's get started.
- Okay.

Debbie.

Doin' some reno?

Yeah, I think I... I have to.

- So, how'd it go today?
- Good!

But something did come up.

They want me to keep Steve on
as head writer.

- The hockey jersey guy?
- Yeah.

Are you serious?

Why, why would they want
some crusty old white dude

who's been there for, like, 20 years?

'Cause he's been there,
like, 20 years.

They feel he can help transition
the show and they trust him.

- Fuck!
- I know, I know.

I'm sorry.

I tried to push back, I really did,
but it was a mandate.

But you'll still be on the staff,
and I need you there.

I'll take ya shopping.

Or better yet,
you can take me shopping.

We can go to
that size-inclusive thrift store

that's on the school bus
you were telling me about.

Thanks, but I...

I'm not...
I'm not really in the mood.

Good afternoon, passengers...

Oh my God, Kayla.

Jimmy? Are you going to Mykonos?

No. I just needed to talk to you.

How did you know
I was on this flight?

Because you bought the ticket
with the company card

and I got an e-mail alert.

It autofills. I don't know
if that was me for sure.

You did do it. But because
you won't return my texts or calls

I bought a ticket just
so I could say this to you.

Please, don't leave.
Stay here with me.

Oh my God! This is so romantic!

Oh. No... no.
This is just a work thing.

- You don't need to film.
- Keep filming.

Listen, you were right,
I have been underestimating you.

You figured out how to get
Jack Danby out of the running.

You figured out how to get Facetime
with Winnie Landell.

Deborah wouldn't have gotten
Late Night without you!

Sir, you cannot be standing
in the aisle.

Okay, this will just take one sec.

He's proposing!

No... no.
This is just a platonic work thing!

Please take your seat.
We're about to push back.

Real quick. We are a great team
because you think outside the box.

Yes, inside that box are skills
like calendar

texting the right person back

scheduling that you do not have
a handle on at all

but that's okay, because sometimes

the most innovative
visionaries struggle

with executive functioning.

You are not an assistant.
You are a manager, and a great one.

So please, stay here with me
and be my partner.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry,
I thought you were a man.

- They're gay!
- What? I am a man.

- But you said partner.
- Leave us alone!

If I stay with you, there are
some conditions I want you to meet.

- Okay.
- I want my own assistant.

- Absolutely.
- And my own office.

Of course.

And I wanna have a movie night
once a week with you.

Okay. I mean, no. Actually, no.

- Fine, twice a week.
- No movie night.

Okay, fine, but I get to show you

three funny videos
in the morning that I made.

- Okay yes, okay sure.
- Okay then, yes!

I said yes!

Oh, no thank you, this is just...
this was just a work thing.

- Kiss!
- What is your deal?

Thanks.

- Hey. Which car?
- Gray Porsche, thanks.

Hi. Winnie.

Ava Daniels.
Lewis introduced us in Montreal.

Right, his favorite writer.

Yeah, and I've actually been working
with Deborah Vance.

Nice.

I'm sorry, I would never
normally do this

but running into you feels like
a sign from the universe

so I just have to say

I know you guys want Steve
to stay on as head writer

and I know I don't have
as much experience as he does

but I've been working with Deborah
one-on-one for years now

and I feel like
I know what the show needs

and I feel like
I know what she needs

and I just feel like
I'm the best person for the job.

Great, so pitch yourself to her.

What... what do you mean?

Deborah can hire
whomever she wants.

We told her
she has full hiring power.

Have a good night.

- You lied to me.
- What? What are you talking about?

They told you, you could hire
whoever you want.

- No.
- Don't bother.

I saw Winnie. She told me.

Listen.

I've been in this game a long time.
I know how it goes.

The network is taking
a massive risk having me host.

They need to feel comfortable

with the face they see
across the table.

That's not true. They literally said
it's your decision!

Oh sure, they say that,
but when push comes to shove

they don't want me
taking any risks. Trust me.

I don't trust you.
You're a fuckin' liar!

Okay, I am sorry about that.

I did it because I didn't think
you would understand.

You'll still be on the show,
you'll just be the number two

which honestly,
it's a lot less pressure.

But you can still do all the work.

You can be the woman behind
the man behind the woman!

Oh, my God! This is such bullshit.

I'm the better person for the job.

If you hire him, you'll just be
making the same version

of the same show
that's existed for 50 years!

And it won't be special or unique.

It'll just be the same shit
in a dress.

- No, it won't.
- Yes, it will

because I know you.

You're already
making decisions out of fear

and you'll keep doing it.

And even if I wasn't
the best person for the job

and I am...

you should give it to me
because of our relationship!

It's not about our relationship.
It's about making the show work.

Don't you get it?

It'll work better
because of our relationship!

What we make together is good
because of it.

And you know that

or else you wouldn't have asked me
to come back here in the first place!

You said you needed me!

I do, but not to be my head writer.

Well, what about what I need?

What you need is to take the win
of being on the staff and be happy.

Happy with a demotion?

Lewis offered me the head writer job
and I turned it down!

You specifically told me
to be ambitious.

Except when it inconveniences you,
I guess.

- God, you are so selfish!
- Yes, I am!

You have to be selfish.

Well, I don't wanna be.

I don't want to be a shark
or whatever the fuck.

I wanted to do it with you.

I want that too. I just can't
have you be head writer!

But that's not fair.

Oh, congratulations, you're right.
The business isn't fair.

I'm not asking for the business
or the world to be fair.

I am asking for you
to treat me fairly

because you owe me that!

Stop crying!

This is just the way it is.

You get your foot in the door
so you can prove you can do it

and then if you want
to make a change, fine.

I cannot give them any excuse.

This show has to be bulletproof.
It has to work.

I've lost way too much for it not to.

And you're okay with losing me, too?

I'm willing to.

I uprooted my entire life for you.

I put you first
because I care about you.

I can't believe
you won't do that for me.

You'll never do that for me.

You'll never do that for anyone.

You think you're only lonely

when you have to open
a bottle of champagne?

Bullshit. You're lonely
all the fucking time.

And you're gonna die that way, too.

- Hey.
- Hey, hey!

What is this building?

Well, I wanted your opinion

because this might be
my new office. Huh?

What do ya think?

It's fine.

Okay, well, I looked for
a really long time

and I already had it
professionally saged, so...

Oh. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, I mean, it's gorgeous.

Okay great, I'm so glad.

- How're you doing?
- Shitty.

What am I gonna do for work?

Are people still looking
for noisy concepts?

No. Now everybody's looking
for quote, "shows that already exist

with one tiny tweak or
huge global hits."

Look, I can call Lewis
and see if he'll hire you back

but just to say it, I think
you should stay with Deborah.

- Are you kidding?
- I know, I know.

But look, I just think
that if you work for that show

eventually, you will get the job.
I really believe that.

Who cares? She lied to me.

She did. And I'm really sorry.

But as Deborah's manager

I want that show
to be the best it can be.

And there is no version of that
without you there.

And as your manager, and your friend

I just think you and Deborah
are too good together

to give up on this.

Yeah well, tell her that.

Yeah, I'm telling you

because I know
you'll do the right thing.

It is a really nice office.

You should be proud.

She wouldn't have gotten
the show without you.

Thanks, but ya know...

I didn't do it alone.

Hey, how's it goin'?

Can I get a pack of American
Spirit Yellows, please?

Can I also get that bottle of Krug?

Good morning!

I... I know I'm a little early,
but I was just so excited.

No problem. I'll bring you
into the conference room.

Rob and the producers will be in
in just a second.

Wonderful.

And one of your writers
is already in there.

- Right in here.
- Thank you.

I'm really, really happy to see you.

I realized I belong here.

- No matter what.
- Good. Good!

I also realized that
it would be really, really bad

if people found out that you slept
with the chairman of this company

right before he gave you
your own show.

Yeah, the optics of that
are pretty rough.

Especially since the show needs
to be bulletproof, like you said.

So...

I think I am
your head writer after all.

- You wouldn't.
- I would.

Wouldn't you?

Hey there, Deborah.

Hi, Rob.

I think you know...

my new head writer, Ava Daniels.

- Hey.
- Yes.

- Hi. Good to see you again.
- Good to see you.

I'm having Sue and Mark
join us from talent

because we have got
a lot to talk about.

Shall we begin?

Let's.