Original subtitles

Smokin'-hot-dot-com...

Deborah, gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

Someone get me a bloody spoon

'cause I'm eating up what you're serving.

Look at that. Yummy. That's fuckin' tasty.

Just give us five minutes, okay?

We're just gonna adjust for the next set-up.

Thank you.

Okay, fierce.

You gotta teach me how to take a photo like that.

Chin down, ears forward, eyes up

and hum the National Anthem, it keeps the jowls tight.

Okay. Think I'm just gonna stick with, "Here, let me take it."

Okay, I got great news.

We are officially on the books for your test show

- two weeks from Friday. - Great.

We shouldn't even have to do a test show.

I mean, I say we force the network's hand.

What if I tweeted something like, "Deborah got the job"?

I mean, the network's never gonna backtrack, it's already out there.

Okay, that's genius.

Kayla, do not tweet anything, okay?

We are so close to the finish line here.

It's down to Deborah and the X Games guy.

- You know that. - Okay, calm your nuts.

Anyway, it's perfect timing

- for the test show. - Perfect timing.

Because it's exactly when the Meena Elahi piece will run.

- That's right. - Wait.

Meena Elahi's the journalist you've been talking to?

She's amazing.

She's taken so many people down.

But you, you she will lift up.

She... she's going to Berkeley, right?

Yep, she's gonna meet you Friday.

She's gonna be with you the whole weekend.

Hold on, this weekend is Palm Springs.

No, this weekend Deborah's getting her honorary doctorate from Berkeley.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Am I double-booked?

It... it was not in the shared Google Cal.

See? It was not in the shared Google Cal.

I texted you about it, dork.

- No, you didn't. - Yeah, I did, it's right...

Okay, shit. All right, I texted "Damien Plumber"

who I think was a plumber I used because I'm scrolling up.

And I'm seeing a clogged toilet.

- There it is. - I... I was sick, but, you know.

Deborah, you headline Palm Springs Pride every year.

And this year we have the House of Vance activation.

Yeah, but she can't miss Berkeley, it's a huge deal.

And the New Yorker's gonna be there.

You're gonna handle the activation.

I will go to Berkeley, I'll fly back in time for the show.

- And we'll do both. We'll be great. - Okay.

Okay, that can work.

- Works for us, too, as well. - It'll be fun.

You bring a friend.

- Okay, Deb. Ready for ya, mama. - Okay.

All right, let's do it.

Sensational.

Good.

It was just a really exciting

and stimulating place to go to school, you know.

Especially at that time with all the anti-war protests

and that sort of thing.

Oh, and that building there...

that is the first place I was ever on stage.

At that Jamba Juice?

Well, it was a black box theater then.

But there were a lot of fruits.

Oh, Meena, I meant to ask you, with this profile

are you including one of your famous caricature illustrations?

I love those.

I always wanted a giant head and a tiny body.

Well, that's art department, it's not my purview.

Meena, I just wanna say I loved your piece

about how white people have gentrified jokes about white people.

So 2012 me.

- I found that fabulous as well. - Oh, thank you.

A lot of white people liked it, which is interesting.

Yo. Are you... are you Deborah Vance?

Why, yes, I am.

No cap?

- None at all. - Dude, I told you.

You're like, mad cute.

Like, you should come to Chi Phi Beta's party tonight.

We got a keg, and like, six couches in one room.

I think my Jell-O shot days are behind me, boys. Sorry.

Well, let me know if you change your mind.

My name's Chris. I'm trying to show you a good time.

Oh, Chris.

I could be their age, right?

Well, you do own the same shorts.

I'm just playing with ya. Oh. Love this girl.

Yeah, we're good.

Oh. It's me.

Yeah, I gotta go do that interview at the college radio station.

Meena, I'd ask you to tag along

but I don't want you to get jealous, me talking to another reporter.

Would you say jealousy plays a big role in your life?

No.

Okay, I'll see you guys.

I'm gonna hit the dining hall.

Hey, do you mind if I tag along? Maybe we could talk?

- Yeah, sure. - Great.

So yeah, after the special came out

I left and went to LA.

Oh, so you left and then you came back?

Well, I'm just here temporarily.

Deborah freed me to pursue other work.

"Freed you"? Sounds like you were her prisoner.

Oh no. No, it was actually really cool and selfless of her.

I mean, she pushed me

and that led to me getting a job at On The Contrary.

I'm co-producer now.

Oh, but if I get a title bump before this goes to print

how would I get in touch?

Shoot ya an e-mail or...

Can we get off the record here for a sec?

Sure.

Look, Ava, I don't have an agenda here.

I don't go into a piece with an angle

and I want to portray Deborah as the complicated person she is.

But a lot of what I've found out about her

does indicate she is not the easiest person to work for.

Did you talk to the elves?

- What? - What? No, I don't... I don't know.

I talked to a hairdresser who requested time off for his wedding

but Deborah couldn't guarantee his job

because she, quote, "couldn't predict the market."

Yeah.

Look, Deborah can be tough, for sure.

But that's 'cause she has really high standards

for herself and everyone else.

But if you can meet those standards, she'll take care of you.

Okay.

Do you think Naomi Fry would like me?

It's "Nomee," so...

"Nomee... Nomee," get to know me. Okay.

Literally gonna die, so...

- Of course, thank you. - You got this.

Okay, that clip-on bidet in the bathroom turned me out

- so I will be needing one. - Got it.

Listen, you don't have to stay here while I'm working.

I can meet you afterward.

It's actually kind of fun.

- Hey. - Hi.

Would Deborah sign my bottle of Fen-Phen?

I've had it since the '90s, from when she used to sell it.

Best of my recollection, Deborah never sold Fen-Phen

and is therefore not liable for any cardiovascular complications

or issues you may or may not have experienced.

And unfortunately, she's not here today.

- What? - Oh, no.

I thought the whole fucking point was that this was a shoppable house

and she was gonna be here to sign anything that we purchase.

I know. It was my idea. And again, my apologies.

But if you come to the show tomorrow

I'm making sure she does a signing session afterward.

I'm gonna be on G, then.

And I don't want to meet her like that.

Can't you just not do G?

No.

Happy Pride.

Yeah, sorry about him.

But I think we're gonna go to the Ace

If you wanna come.

I'm... I'm actually here, here for work, but thank you.

Yeah. Okay.

Maybe next time.

- Have fun. - Yeah, you too.

Watch out.

If you need me to run the iPad so you can go catch a dick

- please, let me know. - No... no.

I can't go there.

I do not hook up with Deborah fans. It's... it's too weird.

Right. Don't shit where you eat ass.

Exactly.

I forgot about the beauty of unlimited refills.

Love a freeze-dried fruit, ya know what I mean?

I have a boyfriend.

Okay.

Leave water at the border for these people.

We might as well leave Spanish-to-English dictionaries too.

Hey, hey, my peers, whatcha watching?

- This stand-up, Deborah Vance? - Love her.

I guess someone made a supercut of all her shitty racist jokes.

- What? - Hey Berkeley, is this your girl?

A majority of cars sold in America are made in Asia.

Asians making cars?

That's like Polish people making light bulbs.

- Shit. - Oh, my God, she sucks.

So fucked-up, they're giving her an honorary degree.

- Right? - Nasty, nasty stuff.

I heard the new stuff is good, though.

Randomly, where did I?

Yeah, there... was any of the, like

progressive feminist stuff in there, or no?

- No. - No. No.

I think they have that coming, she's doing that.

That's that... would you guys excuse me?

Oh, well, I certainly wasn't conservative

but I didn't love living with hippies.

- However, I do love a bit... - Hey, Deborah.

Sorry, can I just grab you for a second?

Just wanna ask you something about your speech.

Sorry. Work thang.

Please excuse us for... for a minute. What is the matter with you?

Hello... hello?

- Okay, come on. - You doing?

- Let go of me. - Hey, listen to me.

So, little problem.

Someone made a supercut

of some of your more problematic older material

and it's gaining traction

and apparently, some students are planning

to protest your ceremony.

Okay, which minority group is upset?

Okay, not great that you have to ask that.

And also, I don't think "minority" is the proper term anymore.

- What are they called? - No, don't say "they."

Oh, I thought everybody was "they" now!

No, that's a different thing.

Okay, just... oh God, this is just the worst possible timing.

For you to be held accountable for your actions?

Yes. I am inches away from my fucking dream job.

Hey, I think you're gettin' off pretty easy, okay?

You're lucky that Zsa Zsa Gabor shit is only available on VHS.

I mean, it was textbook slut-shaming.

- Well, she was a slut. - Oh, my...

Well, and that's... but that's fine.

Oh, God. Okay look, just... we gotta squash this.

I guess.

- Or you could just apologize. - No.

Deborah, the jokes weren't great. You wouldn't do them today.

No. You never apologize for a joke.

I'm a comedian, I was just doing my job.

Okay, okay, look, look.

It's just... it's just some of the students, right?

- Yeah. - Okay, okay.

Then all I have to do is, you know

curry favor on campus with the other students.

You know, drown out the dissenters.

Make the minority voices a minority.

Oh, that could go right in the supercut.

I'll tell ya what we're gonna do.

We will go to that fraternity party tonight.

I'll buy them supplies

and I will do that student improv show I was invited to do.

It's the perfect opportunity to make myself look good.

Okay. Deborah.

Improv has never made anyone look good. Okay?

You write that down.

- Jimmy. - Hey, sorry

I have to be a little quiet, I'm in a cancer center.

I'm about to run lines with a client who's getting chemo.

He booked a role, it's cool.

It's on a CW show. We hope it's gonna recur.

The... the role, not the cancer.

- Okay. - So first I just wanted to call

and apologize again about Kayla.

I gave her a stern talking-to.

She was wearing earbuds the whole time, but I tried.

You know. And what else can I do?

I also wanted to let you know about something

the network flagged about Deborah's merchandising deals.

- What do you mean? - Well, obviously

they're extremely protective of their advertisers.

And they're concerned that if Deborah were to become host

she might be the face of a competing product.

Whether that be through a one-off deal

or anything on QVC.

Wow.

Okay.

And obviously, that might not even be an issue

but I just wanted to give you the heads-up, in case.

And... and I appreciate that, Jimmy.

I actually have my hands full over here.

So, I'm gonna have to jet.

Okay, cool. Well, have a fun, safe, and very queer weekend.

Thank you.

All right, everyone. May I have your attention, please?

We will be ending the activation a little bit early.

This is now the official after-party.

Tell all your friends. Turn up the music.

Drink. Drink.

- Thank you. - Got you.

- All right. - Need eight more.

Don't throw things on the floor.

I promise for the show...

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Hello.

Miss Vance, it is such an honor.

- I'm Zed. - Hi, Zed.

And this is Marvelous Maddy, Gregarious Greg.

- Nice to meet you. - Jolly John, Coolio Caroline

Raunchy Rain and Sacrilegious Sarah.

Okay.

- You done improv before? - No.

Totally fine.

So how this is gonna work

is basically we're gonna get a suggestion from the audience

and then you're gonna tell a story based on that suggestion.

And then we're gonna improvise scenes based on that story

and feel free to jump in and join the fun at any time.

Fun.

So, whenever you're ready, we'll warm up.

Okay, great, great. I'll just be right there.

Okay.

When they ask for audience suggestions

I want you to say, "pediatric AIDS."

What?

I want you to yell, "pediatric AIDS."

See, this way I can talk about my charity work

in front of Meena without sounding self-aggrandizing.

You're just gonna set me up.

Okay, here, take my purse.

And do not use my lipstick.

I know you're using reverse psychology

to get me to wear lipstick.

Well, it was worth a shot.

Have you played Big Booty before?

Can't say as I have.

Totally fine. We'll just do a little Zip, Zap, Zop.

- Zip. - Zap.

- Zop. - Zip.

Zap.

The answer is no.

Okay, so the thing with improv is we try not to say, "no."

Instead, we say "yes, and"

'cause improv is all about listening

and respecting your fellow improvisers, so...

Well, are there any other warm-ups maybe we could try?

Oh, yeah.

- Eight, seven, six, five, four - Eight, seven, six, five, four

- three, two, one. Six, five, four - three, two, one. Six, five, four

- three, two, one. Three, two, one. - three, two, one. Three, two, one.

- three, two, one. - three, two, one.

Farm...

Keep your hands off my princess.

- Shiver me timbers. - Wild, wild West.

Okay... okay!

Hi.

Camp.

- Hi, Camp Bada-dah. - Hi, Camp Bada-dah.

Deborah, is it worth it?

- Is it worth it? - Is it worth it?

- Worth it... worth it... - Worth it... worth it...

- Is it worth it... - Is it worth it...

Okay, everybody. We are Bear-prov. How you feelin' tonight?

Okay, make some noise for our guest monologist

and comedy legend

Deborah Vance! Yeah!

- I love you. - Yeah.

Okay, I just need a suggestion.

- Problematic comedian. - Pineapple.

Oh, AIDS.

I heard pineapple.

Pineapple.

Pineapple reminds me of another prickly subject.

Pediatric AIDS.

- Hey. - Hey.

This is already better than improv.

Five bucks each.

Okay, this is for me, her... and everybody in line behind us!

Deborah Vance loves to party.

Thank you. Oh, and they're with us, too.

- Come on, fellas. - Of course.

Hi, hi, oh watch out, your mother's here.

- Look who fucking came. - Hi.

- Deborah fucking Vance. - Oh, hi.

You look amazing.

- This is my friend, Ava. - Okay cool, what's up?

What are you drinking tonight? Huh?

Go... go!

Deborah.

Who wants to order pizza? On me.

Or should we just say fuck it, and order at Chez Panisse?

No, no. Pizza, pizza.

I hope to see you at my ceremony tomorrow.

How old do you think I am?

I have a boyfriend.

Love it.

I love it.

Hold my wig.

All right.

- Chug... - Chug...

- Chug... chug! - Chug... chug!

Now I know all four of you are graduating soon

so you need to learn about wines.

There's Brunello, there's Barbaresco

and then there's the king of Italian reds, Barolo.

Nice mouth feel, right?

You know, Chris knows a little something about mouth feel, huh?

Yes, yes, see? We all make jokes. Right?

Oh, it's Jimmy. Jimmy Junior.

He... he used to be with Latitude and he's very good.

Hey, it's our manager.

Jimmy.

- There's... - No, there's nobody in here.

- Okay, Jimmy. - I'm sorry for the late-night call.

But something's going on at the network

and they canceled your test show.

- What? - Yeah.

- Fuck. - No. No, why?

- Did they say why? - I... I don't know.

It could be because of this supercut a bunch of people have sent to me

but I'm trying to get to the bottom of it

and I'll call you as soon as I do.

Okay, call... call me as soon as you know.

Yeah, I just said I would.

And get me the info for that crisis PR woman I used

when I groped Elmo.

Okay, to the best of my knowledge

you did not grope any Sesame Street characters.

But yeah, I'll send you Jana's info.

Okay?

- Call me! - Okay, I'll call you. Bye.

I can't believe this is happening now!

I know, it's really bad timing.

I finally get an ounce of relevance.

I'm this close

and they just wanna take it away from me again.

I'm... I'm sorry to say this

but, I mean, you're not the only victim here.

Oh? Oh, really? Who's the other victim?

Someone who was offended by a joke?

Many jokes.

I'm sorry, people are too easily offended now.

If you don't like a joke, don't laugh.

- They're not. - This is insane. Me?

I'm being taken down by a liberal mob?

Me, who was the first person to be fined by the FCC

for saying the word abortion on TV.

- Why come after me? - Hey, hey.

This is not a value judgment on your entire being.

- Oh, really? - They're... they're just upset

about some mistakes you made.

Jokes I made.

Jokes that everybody was doing at the time.

Yes, and the jokes were hurtful and shitty.

Both things can be true.

You get to be rich and famous from making jokes

and people are allowed to have their reactions to them.

I mean, why not use your comedian brain

to fight through your defensiveness and think outside of yourself?

Isn't that what good comics do?

- Why don't you just apologize? - No.

You never apologize for a joke.

Yeah, ya keep saying that, but why not?

Because...

- You just don't, okay? - Good one.

Besides, if I apologize, it'll just add fuel to the fire.

- Deborah. - I can't be woke.

I'm exhausted!

Okay, I know this feels like the end of the world

but it really isn't.

No one's actually canceled.

Don't you lecture me.

I was canceled before there was even a name for it.

They only gave it a name after it started happening to powerful men.

The problem is I don't have the time to go to Europe and wait it out.

I don't have any time.

And I certainly don't have the time to stand here debating it with you.

I have a Barolo decanting downstairs.

Deborah, I just think apologizing is the right thing to do.

Hello?

It's so easy for you to say what's right or wrong.

It's never that simple, and one day you'll understand that.

Can you like, open the door?

Nice.

Up... up. Time to get up. The day looks fabulous.

Up...

Yes, okay.

Come to house...

Deborah.

- Deborah, yeah. - What are you doing?

- Are you going through my phone? - Nope.

Seven, two, five, eight, four, oh, three, nine, two.

Oh, my God, are you trying to memorize Deborah's number?

- Seven, two, five, eight, four... - Twenty-two, nineteen...

- Five hundred. - Stop, stop it.

- Seven, two, five, eight... - Seventy-five thousand

- six hundred... - It's... no, seven, two, five.

- Eight, seven. - Six, seven, five, three, oh.

- Ninety-nine. - Stop, please, just stop... stop.

Why are you ruining this for me?

This is why I don't hook up with "Little Debbies."

You're a monster.

And there is no way that these are 800-thread count sheets.

- Goodbye. - Oh, you little bitch.

Oh, my God!

I'm never drinking again.

Miss Vance.

Hi, Gloria from the Dean's Office.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

I am so sorry, but we are going to have to cancel the ceremony.

What? Why?

There are a number of groups that are planning on protesting

due to a video of your material that's been circulating.

Well, this is the first I'm hearing of this.

After the Condoleezza Rice incident

we realized it was better to cancel to avoid any potential violence.

Smart. She might kill someone.

We do still plan to offer you the degree.

Just in a closed-door ceremony.

- At some point. - Fantastic.

Also, you have been invited to a town hall being hosted

by a coalition of students tomorrow. You can go if you like.

It could be a good opportunity to hear their grievances.

Again, I'm so sorry.

I don't know. The town hall could be a good idea.

Absolutely not.

I spoke to my crisis PR woman this morning.

She said do not engage at all.

Okay, okay, please. Stop yelling at me.

Too hungover to argue.

- Deborah. - I'm not gonna make it to Pride.

What?

No, no there's just too much going on

and, you know, apparently, I need to lay low.

All right. I told, like, 200 gay men you were coming.

It's fine. They'll get over it.

No, they won't, actually. I told you this was important.

Marcus, I do not need this right now.

- This weekend has been a... - I don't wanna hear it.

Okay, I want you to hear me

but of course, you don't, because you don't fuckin' listen.

You know what? Forget it. I'll cancel. Bye.

- Can I grab a lemon? - Go for it.

Oh, hey.

Deborah's not gonna be able to sign anything.

She's not coming at all.

Really? She never misses Pride.

Well, can't blame her.

She's had a hell of a year. Cheers to that.

You can kind of blame her.

You okay?

I mean, I don't know you, this could be your personality.

I'm just pissed off.

She owes us so much and she's letting everyone down.

- Again. - Well, this is what happens.

You can't stop being a fan now that she's got more of them.

We loved her before anybody else did

and she loved us before anybody else did.

That's not nothing.

We... we just have to share her now.

But doesn't that make you mad?

No, it just means we were right all along.

But nobody's ever gonna know Deborah like we do.

She's a survivor, like us.

Well, she's always looking out for herself, so yeah.

You know, first time I saw her

she was performing at a bowling alley.

It was right after the divorce. But she was so funny about it.

And I... I was howling.

She was at rock-bottom

but somehow it felt like she was on top of the world.

She made me feel like I could be on top.

Like...

like I could laugh at all the sad things

that were happening to me, too.

Yeah, when I first saw her, my dad had just died.

I'm sorry.

Well, I'm glad you don't feel left behind.

Sometimes left behind is good.

Cher wrote the Believe album at 55. Did she show up at Pride that year?

No.

But we got the Believe album.

Sometimes good things come from letting go.

And letting go is actually the theme of Strong Enough

from the Believe album.

Snap out of it.

At the tone, please record your message.

Roy, it's Marcus.

Give me a call when you get this.

I'll be coming to QVC next week and I'd like to talk.

If we gonna leave water at the border for these people

we might as well leave Spanish-to-English dictionaries too.

Clarence Thomas put a pubic hair

on Anita Hill's can of Coca-Cola, which I find disgusting.

She should be drinking Diet Coke.

An NBA player had sex with 6,000...

All right, let's all begin. Thank you for joining us.

Sharing this marketplace of ideas, right?

Hey, are you in my Foreign Policy section?

No, but... oh, my God

I cannot tell you how much that means to me.

I have a girlfriend.

What? Damn, y'all are "wifed-up."

Ma'am, please. Let... let's get started.

- Sorry. - Now, this isn't a public flogging.

This is a dialogue

for acknowledging harm and fostering empathy.

But first, Deborah, would you like to start us off?

Sure.

Thank you for coming.

I... I had a speech prepared.

But, I... think I owe you more than my explanations.

I am sorry.

I looked back at those jokes, and I'm embarrassed.

I... I wish I could donate a library

or buy you all ice cream or something.

Make it all go away.

But I can't.

Right?

Okay.

I think I'll just listen

because I've said enough, and to be totally honest

I'm really afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Good.

Okay, then.

Let's open up the floor.

Would anyone like to share?

You in the striped sweater.

What's up, Deborah?

You don't know me, but we actually have some stuff in common.

We're both obsessed with 9/11.

Yeah, you got about 20 minutes' worth

of raghead and terrorist jokes out of it.

And what my family got was harassed.

9/11's the reason my elbow's ashy

because TSA still confiscates my lotion.

Here's the thing. I'm not even Arab.

My family's Punjabi.

So, on the one hand, it does take the edge off

when you realize how dumb racists really are.

But on the other, it's like, damn, dudes.

Buy a shower curtain with a world map on it or something.

Anyway, I just thought you should know.

Thank you. Anyone else?

You in the gray shirt.

Hi, yeah.

I just wondered if you could address some of your ableist material.

I... I'm sorry, what is ableist?

Why do I write the e-mails if she doesn't read them?

Your jokes that made fun of people with disabilities.

Oh, right, yes.

As someone that has dyslexia, or as you called it, "lys-dexia..."

yeah, I just thought maybe you'd like to speak on that.

Oh, to be honest, I didn't realize dyslexia was a disability.

"Deborah Vance is, by no means, the obvious choice for Late Night.

Her missteps are numerous and not entirely forgivable.

No doubt there will be more.

But for all Vance's typical Boomer-ness

there's a curiosity that goes beyond age

and taps into something more human.

Our desire to understand each other.

Or, as her writer Ava Daniels put it

'A hack is someone who does the same thing over and over.

Deborah is the opposite.

She keeps evolving and getting better.'

Watching Vance say the wrong thing makes for entertaining TV.

But watching her engage is even better.

It's hard to say if she would be the perfect host

but what she may offer us is something more interesting.

Someone trying to connect with humanity

in her attempt to connect with her own.

And that's worth watching."

I mean, for a Meena Elahi article, that's like, a rave.

- Is it? - Yeah.

What... what are people saying?

Let's see.

This one guy wants you to talk to his parents for him.

Okay, this one woman is saying you're a nasty, racist bitch.

Couple of those.

Lot of engagement, though. That's good.

That's really...

Wait.

Shit.

What? What?

Looks like Kayla did actually tweet that you got Late Night.

No. No.

It's really blowing up.

Jimmy, what the hell happened? I fucking told her not to do that!

She's not gonna force their hand, this is just gonna backfire!

I'm actually pulling up to your house right now.

- You're here? - Yes.

Is she insane?

- I know, I'm so sorry. - If I wasn't fucked before

- I am now. - She shouldn't have tweeted that.

What the hell was she thinking? I'm gonna kill her!

Listen. The network canceled your test show

because they realized the guest spot was the test.

It's you, Deborah.

You got Late Night.

- What's goin' on? - You're scaring the dogs.

I got it.

I got... I got Late Night.

- What? - What?

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!