Original subtitles

Do you have a loose pelvic floor?

Excuse me?

The thing is, there's a lot of money in pharmaceutical ads

but you have to have the condition they treat

in order to legally endorse them.

No, I do not have a loose pelvic floor.

- Congratulations. - Okay.

- I guess. - Irritable bowel syndrome?

- No. - You never walk with a walker.

No, you're not blind.

- Von Willebrand's? - I don't even know what that is.

Okay, so maybe you have it.

- We should get you tested. - 'Cause if you don't know what it is

- we should get you tested. - Okay.

- Let's just circle that as a maybe. - Okay.

Okay, "bacne"?

Little pimples all over your back and your butt.

- No. - Oh, herpes?

- Herpes? - Herpes is young.

- Could be oral. - Okay...

Everyone has herpes.

Stop.

Stop.

This is so depressing.

Clinically depressing?

Do you feel like it's a medical issue?

'Cause we could use that.

- How often are the happy days and... - Jesus.

Okay. Sorry.

Thank you.

I hate seeing my "girlina" so sad.

God, this is so annoying, I hate giving up.

We were so close.

Nobody hates it more than me but it's over, Jimbo.

It's a done deal.

You know what? No.

It's not over until Jack Danby's on the air.

Damn straight. We can sabotage.

I can find some dirt on him to scare off the network.

He's probably a nasty, nasty boy.

Probably can't even come without a fucking gun in his mouth.

Yikes. Excuse me?

I got this, my friend.

It's gonna be good!

Kayla, you left your notebook

and your... your bag with your phone, and your inhaler.

Ava! Ava!

Mom, I've been waiting for 40 minutes.

I was playing slots in the airport!

How Vegas is that? I love it here!

Should I move here to be closer to you?

Mom, I'm moving back to LA in two weeks

and you've only seen the airport.

Right. Oh, and I brought your old Abercrombie and Fitch miniskirts.

Why? Those are linked to incredibly painful memories.

Well, I was gonna throw them away, but Priya says they're back in style.

Who's Priya?

She's my roommate.

Mom, what?

Ever since the Vibamins class-action suit didn't go my way

I have started renting your room for passive income.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Anyway, Priya's from Bangladesh.

She's getting her graduate degree in biochemistry from Brandeis.

She's a genius.

- Cool. - Yeah, it's working out great.

She does the cooking, I do the cleaning.

And then we go to a fun new restaurant every Wednesday.

I always thought restaurants were a waste of money, but they're fun.

- Yeah, restaurants are good. - Yeah.

Oh, before I forget, Deborah's a size seven shoe, right?

That's what celebfeetfacts.dot com says.

Mom, please tell me you didn't buy Deborah shoes.

No, slippers.

Everyone loves a Christmas slipper. Everybody.

And I needed to thank her for inviting me

after I texted her that I wanted to come.

What?

Oh my, oh my God, she's pulling up. Ava, drive!

- Drive. - I'm trying.

No, fuck you!

- Sorry. Sorry. - God!

It's Christmas, you motherfucker!

You've been waking up when your alarm goes off, right, sweetie?

Yeah. I'm doing really good.

Hard to believe, working for that backstabbin' bastard.

He is not a bastard, Daddy.

He's a great guy and an amazing boss, I love Jimmy.

Really?

But you're doing really, really good.

I heard Jack Danby's about to be the new Late Night host.

Let's celebrate that.

Well, that's a relief, to be honest.

Why, sexual assaulter?

Worse.

Wannabe dramatic actor.

But why is it that every comedian wants to do some sappy drama?

If ya wanna be gay, just be gay.

Gays rock.

Get this. He wanted to do a Fatty Arbuckle biopic.

Who?

Fatty Arbuckle?

He was the biggest movie star in the world in the 1920s

in the silent era. He was a... he was a comedian.

Well, Jack's been on me for years

to try to get the rights from the weird Arbuckle family.

Thank God, I convinced him to take this new gig. He let that go.

Why is it that every single client that keeps the lights on

has to be the biggest pain in the ass?

Oh, God. Tell me about it.

"ACAB." All Clients Are Bastards.

I'm surprised you wrap your own gifts.

Nobody does French edges like I do.

You could put somebody's eye out with my corners.

So...

Kathy's definitely coming?

Yes.

How you feeling about that?

I don't have any feelings about it. I'm doing it for DJ.

Okay. Well, I'm nervous.

Don't be silly. It's Christmas. We'll be cordial.

I'll be a fabulous host and that will be that.

- Okay. - Hey, Deborah.

The caterers are asking if you want hard sauce

on the figgy pudding.

- Yeah. - Great.

I will make sure it's hard on the day.

You're making Damien work on Christmas?

He doesn't celebrate Christmas.

He's a Jehovah's Witness. That's why I hired him.

He doesn't do holidays, birthdays, fantastic.

You need to get religion to work for you

when you're trying to get around labor laws.

Write that down.

I don't think you want that paper trail.

Fingers crossed.

No solicitation.

I'm a registered Independent.

Oh no, we're not solicitors.

We're looking for a Mr. Larry Arbuckle, sir.

That's me. What do you want?

Well, my name is Jimmy LuSaque, Jr.

and this is Kayla Schaeffer

and we were hoping to talk to you

about a potential film project about your grandfather, Fatty.

I already told producers I'm not interested.

But did those producers come right up to your door, sir?

No. Which I appreciated.

Well, it's only because we are so passionate.

And we really think you should hear us out.

If you could just give us two minutes of your time to talk.

I'm busy today. You can come back...

- Monday, two p.m. - Great.

Oh, you know what? Monday's Christmas Day.

That's the day I'm available.

Goodbye.

Must be Jewish.

But no mezuzah.

That's weird.

You know the Jewish thing on the door?

Yeah, yeah.

- Naturally... - Hey.

I'm so glad you guys could make it.

Twinkly.

Nutcrackers!

I just think it looks weird when a baby doesn't have pierced ears.

Babe. Oh, my God.

I'm nervous. I'm really nervous.

- Have you ever met Kathy? - I feel like I have.

Deborah made me go through her childhood photos

and scratch all her eyes out.

What...

Excuse me.

- Mayor's here! - Oh, Jesus.

Oh, no, that's the birthday boy, right?

Hey, listen, I'm just swinging by.

I gotta be at the Children's Hospital in an hour.

- Okay. - But I did not wanna miss

your famous baked brie.

Don't tell me where it is, I could smell it.

Hi, Debbie.

Kathy. Hi. Come in.

Yeah.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

- How was your flight? - Oh, it was... it was, okay.

Good. Excellent.

Good... good.

No... no.

- Damien! - Get back. No... no.

Barry, Karen, no, stop!

I am... I am so sorry.

Hey. Come on... come on.

Wow. It's almost like they were trained to do that.

They were.

Well, thank you for inviting me, I really appreciate the invitation.

Sure.

To start with, I just wanna say, I hope that tonight we can...

- Can I take your things? - Oh, sure.

- Of course. - Thank you.

Be right back.

Shall we join the other fabulous guests?

Yes.

Wait. Is this a replica of your house?

Yes, it is. To scale. And edible.

- Fun. - Isn't it?

Oh, there she is.

Oh. Merry Christmas, honey.

Hi.

Look at you, you're glowing.

Oh no, actually I'm just really sweaty.

But thank you.

Kathy, this is Aidan, DJ's husband.

- Nice to see you again. - We've met, hi.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Yeah, they, well, they met, they've met once.

- They met one time. - Yeah.

I didn't know. Well then you know what a great guy he is.

I love my big son.

Mom.

Your what?

I'll be home in time for dinner, Mom. I just have to convince someone

to let a comedian make a biopic of his grandfather's story

so another comedian can get that first comedian's job.

It does make sense.

I gotta go. Love you, bye.

Oh, you forget how to knock on a door?

- Come in. - Thank you.

Keep your shoes on.

- Will do. Okay. - Plannin' on it.

Wow, this is so beautiful.

So old-world. I love older homes. You know, so much character.

- Yes. - Creaky.

- Yeah. - So, is it just you here?

Oh, no. You have to meet Sasha.

Follow me.

Sasha could be a Jewish name.

What is this? Stop.

- No. - Deborah, I met your sister.

She is so funny.

- She is? - Yes.

Guess it runs in the family, huh?

- Boots! - Oh, my God, I know those boots.

Who could this be?

Oh, my God.

A visitor from the North Pole. It's Santa!

This is my favorite house on my entire route.

Santa had such a good time last year, he skipped South America.

Okay it's time for everybody's Christmas portrait

before the dinner bloat sets in.

Need a blotting tissue? Blotting tissue?

DJ, sweetie, come sit on Mommy's lap.

- What? - It's a tradition.

Last time I sat on your lap, I was eight

and you said I had a bony ass.

Well, you did.

Oh, no... you look great.

Cheers.

Okay, should we do a silly one?

No. We're on a really tight schedule. Santa, proceed.

Oh, Santa's got Dyson Airwraps

for all the good little boys and girls.

Wait. What are you talking about? You're bald.

- It's for my mother. - No, I'll take it.

- It's for my mother. - Okay, well, now I'll just have...

Dive. Dive, Sasha, dive.

- Oh, wow. - Sister.

She is majestic. Look at that gorgeous bird.

- Oh, my God. - Would you like to take her, though?

- Do you wanna... - No. She loves you.

Oh yeah. She's obsessed with you, Jimmy.

Remember when the Olsen twins were obsessed with you?

The Olsen twins were obsessed with him.

Yeah, it was very sweet.

Anyway, the reason we came here today

is we wanna talk about your grandfather's story.

There is an amazing comedic artist, Jack Danby

and he's really interested in telling it.

I don't want anyone telling my grandfather's story.

Because the truth is

I've already told it.

What do you mean?

I wrote my own screenplay.

- Oh. Well... - Oh, okay.

I would love to read it.

- You want to read it? - I would be honored.

Okay, then. Let's go.

You ever watch birds have sex on a live cam?

- Kayla. - What?

- I'm just curious. - Okay, how did you get this way?

Hi, there. I think dinner's being served.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Sorry, I don't think we've met. I'm Ava.

- I write for Deborah. - Oh, nice to meet you.

- I'm Kathy. - You too.

I sent her this a while ago.

I... I didn't even think she'd open it.

Yeah, I remember.

She was really happy that you did.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Should we? - Sure.

Yeah.

It's the 13th door on the right.

- I'll just follow you. - Yeah.

My life's work.

- Wow. - Thick.

- Okay. - Very heavy.

Yeah, well, okay. Thank you so much.

I'm very excited to read this over break.

Oh, no... no. That's my only copy.

If you read it, you have to read it here.

- Now? - Yes, Jim.

Okay, sure. Yeah, I could... I could do that.

- Yeah. Quick reader. - Tremendous!

I'll go check on the lamb.

The lamb?

- It is Christmas, after all. - Oh, yeah.

Shit. My mom just texted, "I'm pissed."

That means she's pissed.

Now he wants us to eat with him?

Oh my gosh, Jimmy, he's not Jewish.

Okay, Kayla, nobody else is thinking about if he's Jewish or not.

Okay? This is making me feel uncomfortable.

Oh my God, what the hell?

I'm not anti-Semitic. Is that what you're implying?

I had a bat mitzvah and I'm not even fucking Jewish.

Wait. What?

Well, everybody else was having one, am I gonna not have one?

Yeah. Also, I was at that bat mitzvah, I have a t-shirt.

Yeah, and you had a lot of fun on the dance floor

- so you're welcome. - Yeah, because I thought

I was at a bat mitzvah, a legit bat mitzvah.

A real Jewish bat mitzvah.

But no, I was at a gentile's costume party of a bat mitzvah?

- That is bad. - Whatever.

The point is, he's not Jewish, he's lonely.

He doesn't wanna spend Christmas alone.

That's why he's trying to get us to stay here

and read his script and eat his lamb and play with his crazy bird.

It's actually really sad. I feel like I'm gonna cry.

That is really sad.

The lamb has still got a little life yet.

Do you like the title page?

I do.

So my mom actually loves lamb. And I was wondering...

I don't know, would you ever consider coming with me

to her house for Christmas?

I could read the script in the car on the way.

You know what?

Yes.

We can spend Christmas together.

- We? - My parents are in Aspen.

They forgot to text me.

So, as you're reading, for Fatty's wife

I'm thinking either Kathy Bates

or Cicely Tyson.

Wow. Hard call.

Hard call?

But let's see who's available. They're both good. Yeah.

One's dead.

God.

No chutney, huh?

You want chutney?

Yeah. Priya always incorporates it and now I'm addicted to the kick.

I love chutney.

So, have you been seeing anyone?

No.

But I have plenty of sex.

Good for you.

What do you... what do you do in your spare time?

Oh, I volunteer at the Salvation Army.

This time of year is really busy for us, obviously.

So, I actually have been feeling kind of guilty

that I've neglected my post.

Well, we can get you a bell, you can take it outside.

Yeah.

- Goose? - No, I'm good.

- Oh. No. Thank you. - Thank you.

Sorry.

This pregnancy has me off poultry.

I even see a feather, I gag.

I had to get rid of our duvet.

I have never been interested in being pregnant.

Of course, I have been.

Gross.

Would you mind getting me some rolls down here?

You know, I went to Priya's a capella competition last week

and the girls from Northeastern destroyed Brandeis

but Priya was a real standout.

Even the woman next to me said so

and she had no idea that we were roommates.

That's nice, you went to support her.

She's like the daughter I never had.

What about me?

Oh, you're the daughter I did have, Ava.

Okay, whatever.

Would you like some goose?

Oh, no thank you. I don't eat meat.

What?

Yeah. For 30 years now.

You used to eat sausage three links at a time.

Well, yeah, maybe as a kid.

But I can't, I mean, the meat industry is horrendous.

Oh. Tell me about it.

I mean, have you seen the way they force-feed the animals?

- Yeah. - Could you pass me the goose?

- Oh, sure. - Yeah, I'd love a...

I got it. Here ya go.

I got your goose.

You are so silly.

Do you like the font?

Yeah.

I put the jokes in Comic Sans

so you know they're supposed to be funny.

Now that makes sense. Okay, I get it.

You know, most scripts stick to one font

but that's a missed opportunity 'cause this is...

It makes it "voicey."

- Which is good. Very "voicey." - Fun.

Do you think it's confusing

that there's another character named Fatty?

There is?

Okay, I'm sorry. I think I have to start over, then

- 'cause I did not realize it. - Oh, no.

You just put in Fatty One and Fatty Two, obviously.

- There ya go. - Make it more clear, right?

- Yeah. Keep going. Keep going. - Okay.

Do you think it's too character damaging

that Fatty steals from his sister's piggy bank?

No, no, you... I think you justify it

because of his desperate need for "sody pop."

So, he wants it bad and...

It's an addiction. I think it's an addiction

and it's like... hang on, I need a second.

Keep... keep reading. Yeah.

Right.

Women drivers.

Amazing.

Prada.

Thank you, Deborah.

You're welcome.

That's nice.

Okay, time for DJ's big present.

She always opens her little gifts from Santa on Christmas morning

but after we eat dinner, she gets her big one from me.

Damien. Bring it in.

- Oh, a big jail. - Oh, my gosh.

Isn't it gorgeous?

It's so pretty.

- Thank you, Mom. - Oh, you're welcome.

Mom. Thank you so much, man. That's amazing, babe.

Now we can have one for our house and we can have one for here.

What do you mean?

- What? - You already have a crib?

Well. No, I...

I thought... I thought you weren't buying anything

for the nursery 'til the third trimester.

No, that's true, and I didn't. It was a gift.

From who?

I... I got it for them.

Well, I'm sure Filene's Basement has an excellent return policy.

- Mom, come on. - No, no, I... just... you know

I didn't realize you two were that close.

I... it's lovely.

You know, I think I will go help myself to some dessert.

Can I get anyone anything?

Oh, I'd like a chai if there is any.

Mom.

I'll see.

- Excuse me. - When? Since when?

I'm sorry. Mom. We'll use both, please don't be upset.

I'm not upset. Why would I be upset?

Shoot. Darn it, shoot...

- What did you do? - Nothing.

- What did you do? - Nothing. I was just reaching

- for this gumdrop. - It's decorative!

- What? Why would you? - I thought you said it was edible.

Well, just because it's edible doesn't mean you could eat it.

I'm sorry, Deborah.

It's ruined.

JoAnn, you can put this on the table for me, please.

- Thank you. - You got it.

Hey, Mom?

Hi. Merry Christmas.

- Finally! There you are. - Hi, sorry we're late.

Mom, this is Larry. Larry, this is my mother, Deidre.

And Larry's brought lamb.

- Hi, Larry. - Hi.

You know, the only thing I like more than lamb

is a man who knows how to cook it.

Well, try it before you propose.

And you're funny.

I like funny and I'm a hugger.

Come on, bring it in.

- Hey, new dad alert. - Kayla.

- They have chemistry. - Cool it.

I'm sorry about the gingerbread.

Well, you were always good at wrecking homes.

I didn't mean to overstep with the crib.

It's just... I'm excited about the baby.

You and DJ are the only family I have left

and you're not exactly in my life.

And whose fault is that?

Mine.

And I'm sorry.

There's not a day I don't feel sorry. I...

I've tried to say that to you for so long.

Well, you stopped.

Yeah, because I saw your special.

I was nice to you in my special.

I mean, I took ownership and all that crap.

Exactly.

It seemed like you understood how complicated it was.

It almost sounded like you forgave me.

But then I still never heard from you

and that just broke my heart, Deborah.

Where are you going?

I don't want to see you cry.

But it's okay if I cry, I'm sad.

You do not get to be sad.

I lost my family.

I lost everything!

I never meant for that to happen.

Why'd you do it?

I didn't come here to make excuses

for something that happened so long ago.

Oh, please. No, I would love a fucking excuse.

Fine.

That summer you went to make that movie

and I moved into the house to help with DJ.

And it only happened a couple of times.

But I felt horrible, and I ended it.

But then you got Late Night

and Frank got really jealous and told you about us

I think to throw you off your game.

Oh, oh, I see.

It was my fault because I was ambitious?

Give me a break.

You just asked me to explain.

Look, I'm your sister and I shouldn't have done it.

But you two weren't even sleeping in the same room.

For months.

He made the first move

and I was only 19 years old so give me a fucking break.

You stayed married to him.

Yeah, because he made me happy.

I mean, you don't wanna hear this

but we were a better match than you two were.

And thank God, because...

because I lost my sister for it.

Oh, I'm sorry you've been in so much pain.

Well, I have been.

I've also paid for it.

I've taken all your punishment over the years.

Billboards for all your specials on my street?

You told Katie Couric I can't read.

It was a joke.

Oh, you had missing person posters with my picture on it made up

and put all over Monterey with my phone number.

I got phone calls for months

from people saying they'd seen me in the supermarket

and I looked horrible.

It's not funny.

No, it's not funny. It's hysterical.

That's expensive snow!

- Oh my God. - God damn it.

Oh, my God!

It burns. Why does it burn? Shit.

It's chemicals. It's methylene chloride.

It's the only way to get a six-sided crystal.

- Then why would you throw it at me? - 'Cause you started it!

Oh God, come here, come here.

- Oh, my God. Shit. - Wait, watch out... watch out.

Careful.

- Oh stop, over here. - It's burning.

- Put some water on your face. - Oh my God.

Here, I've got, I've got a... Here, here's a tissue.

- Is it better? - No.

No.

Listen, I... I appreciate you inviting me for DJ

but she shouldn't have forced it.

She didn't.

I was also hoping that I could do this.

I don't think I can.

- Debbie, you have so much. - Oh, God.

- You have an incredible career. - Yeah.

You have a beautiful daughter.

You have a grandchild on the way.

You've got six-sided crystals.

I just wish you could get over not having Frank.

It wasn't just that he left me.

It was that you left me, too.

I was really hoping this would be nice.

But...

I'm just still...

so angry at you.

I don't want to be, but I am.

Well, that's something. I thought you loved being angry.

Are you kidding?

Frown lines are the hardest to treat.

I don't want it to be like this.

Mom wouldn't have wanted it to be like this.

No. She wouldn't.

Well, maybe Christmas wasn't the best time to have tried this.

Yeah.

Maybe we could try it some other time? Just us?

Yeah.

Okay.

Great.

I'm sorry again about the gingerbread house.

That was insane.

Sorry.

Ava, my God, look at this right now. I am in freaking Willy Wonka.

Is there a Willy Wonka town? Because I am in it.

Weren't you supposed to, like, go visit sick kids?

Oh, shit.

- What time is it? - I think like eight-ish.

Oh God, it's too late. Visiting hours are over.

What are you gonna do? You know what I mean? I can't do everything.

Plus, they got clowns and dogs and stuff to entertain them.

They're okay.

God, I gotta go to the bathroom.

I gotta go number three, you know what I mean?

Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire?

Okay.

I gotta be honest. Mom, this is starting to feel really weird.

Like, you're like, fetishizing South Asian culture or something.

Why would you say that? I do not have a fetish.

That's a nasty word.

No, I just mean it feels like you're kind of appropriating it.

I mean, is it so bad that I'm enjoying a new culture?

I'm trying new food, I'm wearing this bindi.

- You're not wearing a bindi. - Well, I...

Shit. Where's my bindi?

I thought I had a bindi.

It fell off. I mean, Ava, I mean, is it

is it a fetish any time a white person decides

to take an interest in a culture that isn't their own?

Because, then I'm proud to have a fetish, okay?

I mean, it's hard being an immigrant in this country right now.

At least, according to a little program called On the Contrary.

But you don't watch On the Contrary.

Every Sunday.

And if I don't think something's funny

then Priya tells me why it's funny and then I get it.

I mean, is that a fetish, Ava?

Nope. No, it's not. It's really nice, actually.

- Okay. - Thank you, Mom.

You're welcome.

And now, I want you to try this

because what I did is I dumped coriander all over this fudge.

And it's really delicious.

It's just like your grandmother used to make

except now with coriander.

Right? Oh, my God. Oh, come on.

No.

So, Fatty said, "You know what would make it really funny?

If you did it with a mustache."

And that kid was Charlie goddamn Chaplin.

- No! - Yes!

That is the best twist I've ever heard.

Even better than an evil twin.

Evil twin?

Kayla, sweetie, would you give me a hand clearing, please?

Absolutely, gorgeous.

Well, what do you think?

Honestly?

I think you could lose the dream sequence.

Which one?

All of them. Especially the sex dream about Clara Bow.

And you know, you might wanna use one font.

But look, I didn't know what to expect in the beginning

and obviously, it could use some edits

but I think it's actually a really good script.

- Do you mean that? - I do.

I mean, you're an amazing writer.

I can't believe it's your first script.

And the story is so compelling.

I really think you should think about making this with Jack Danby.

He's super-hot right now

and attaching him could get something like this made.

I'll tell you what, I don't know this Jack character.

But after today I know this much, Jimmy.

I like you.

And no surprise with a mother like that.

So, I'll do it on one condition.

You produce it.

Oh. Okay.

Sure, yeah, deal.

This Jack guy is really lucky to have you as a manager.

He doesn't even know.

Why did you get me this?

- It's fun. Just chop the blocks. - I am!

- Deborah. Deborah. - What?

- Jimmy's on the phone. - Well, ask him what he wants.

She's busy working. What is it?

You're back in the mix for Late Night.

Holy shit!

- How? - Danby's out...

pursuing dramatic roles.

It's between you and the X Games guy.

Oh, my God.

Jimmy!

It's a Christmas miracle!