Original subtitles

Just having to double with the fact that it's private.

It doesn't make sense that way, like, I... I have it.

- Know what I mean? - You should get it. No, exactly...

You know, I'm nervous they made me do it, but...

Okay, two, 11, 24, you can go home.

- What? - Thanks.

All right, everybody else again, from the top!

No!

What is going on?

Auditions.

Every year I hire performers to dress as Christmas elves

and they hand deliver my holiday party invitations.

- How cute is that? - You can't do that anymore.

It's really offensive.

These are working actors.

This is a legitimate gig.

I pay double the SAG rate!

It's still wrong.

Why?

Because... I...

I don't know. I just woke up.

Can I have some time to think about it?

Sure. You take your breakfast to figure it out

and if you can't, I never wanna hear about it ever again.

Okay, everybody, from the top!

Five, six, five, six, seven, eight.

Get those shoulders down.

All right.

Snap! Think Fosse, snap!

Let's go, Deborah!

You got it.

Oh, she's outta there!

Okay, we've got Walt McCarthy.

Owns 15 affiliate stations in Missouri.

Conversation topics include

toasted ravioli, doomsday prepping, and Cardinals baseball.

McCarthy, Missouri. McCarthy, Missouri.

Okay. Got it.

Next up, we have Cort Moreau.

Affiliates in Wisconsin and Southern Illinois.

Six kids, three cats.

Smelly house.

Are you sure you should be golfing with your ankle?

Can't you just MC?

The whole reason I took this MC gig

was to have as much face time as possible

with all the affiliate owners who are playing the tournament.

They have a huge impact on who the network picks as the next host.

I have to charm them with personalized small talk.

And golf humor.

By the way, I need ten tasteful hole jokes.

Card me.

Marty Ghilain.

From the Palmetto?

He owns an affiliate in Carson City.

His third wife wanted to be a weather girl.

She was actually pretty good.

Don't judge a book by her giant fake tits.

Bellissima.

Gender reveal parties are literally disgusting.

I'm surprised DJ invited you.

I asked if I could come.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Straight out of Las Vegas, Nevada.

Please welcome

DJ "The Love of my Life" Vance!

Oh, yes!

- It's a boy! - Boy.

Oh, Aidan, congratulations.

Mom, can you please say hi to my family real fast.

- Yeah! Sure! Oh! Of course. - They're watching virtually.

Of course. Yes, of course. Absolutely.

Hi! Linda McClellan.

- That's my aunt. - Aunt Linda, hi!

How are you?

And Kathy V. Who's Kathy V.?

That's... that's Aunt Kathy.

- Mom! - What?

Look, I get that this is super awkward

and she's the devil or whatever

but I still have a relationship with Aunt Kathy.

And I want her to have a relationship with my son.

It's a boy.

Oh, god, all of his friends are gonna think I'm hot

and that might be weird for him.

- Whatever, we'll work through it. - What do you want me to say?

I didn't really wanna bring it up here

but I would like to invite her for Christmas.

Oh, you're insane.

Christmas is my holiday.

She can have...

- 9-11. - We're the only family she has left.

She doesn't have any kids. She's all alone.

Yeah, well, if she wants to talk to someone

she can take a lap around the mall.

- The answer is no. - Okay, whatever.

That powder is most definitely toxic, and it's in my throat.

Good, girl.

Yeah, yeah, take care of it.

Thank you.

Can I help you with that, ma'am?

Oh, that's okay. I can carry it. Thank you.

Hey! I know you!

And I know you, Carter Walsh, the Comms King of Kansas!

Hope you brought me some of that brown bread frozen custard

- my friend. - Oh, it's gonna be a fun weekend!

- Oh, you know it! - Can't wait to see you MC!

Oh! Rock chalk, Jayhawk!

Hey!

But I'll never get laser hair removal

'cause it's impossible to know

where the culture's ultimately gonna land on hairy pits.

- Like in 2011 - Oh, my god.

- What? - Bob Lipka is here!

He must be playing in the tournament.

- Who's that? - He's the CEO

of the conglomerate that owns the network.

He's the most important voice in picking the next host.

This is perfect.

So, there's a rich guy here who you wanna suck up to more

than the other rich guys?

Whatever. Billionaires shouldn't exist.

I used to have a pin on my jean jacket that said that.

Oh, yes.

Extremely successful, high-achieving people must be stopped.

Well, they have no regard for the livelihood of the working class.

Bob Lipka and his wife are huge philanthropists.

They give tons of money to the Democrats.

Whatever. Philanthropy's just a fancy word for tax evasion.

But we'll take the money.

He's even better looking in person.

Can I get you ladies anything else?

Oh, I would love another coffee.

No, she wouldn't. Just the check please.

Sure.

We got two hours before your tee time!

You never waited tables, did you?

I was a hostess at Joe's American Bar and Grill

at the South Shore Plaza

but I was fired after one shift for being too openly depressed.

You like to say you're a woman of the people

but you've never actually been one.

If we park at this table

our waitress will not be able to turn it over

before the end of the breakfast shift.

- Well, I - Nah, yeah, you tried

to take work away from the little people

who deliver my Christmas party invitations.

You wouldn't let the bellman carry your bags

and he probably lives on his tips.

And now this.

Oh, god.

I think you're right. Let's go! Let's go!

- I gotta clean my room! - All right.

Peter! Aren't those eggs fluffy?

Go Padres!

- Hey, you ready to get out there? - I am.

I have a request about our group.

Way ahead of you on that one, Deb.

I already asked them to put us together.

Oh, I didn't mean you, but hi.

Hi!

Anyway, if you could put Bob Lipka in our foursome

I would really appreciate it.

Absolutely, Miss Vance.

I'm gonna go stretch.

- I'll see you out there? - Okay.

Henry Morgan!

It's actually Morgan Henry.

No, I... I know that. I'm just a little bit dyslexic.

Hey! Go Tarpons!

But we've gotta get you guys a major league team!

Oh, but you know, we have one actually.

It's The Rays.

You could always use two.

Right, okay. Well have a great time.

Yeah.

Oh, my god.

Okay, I'm gonna head to my room to work on your speech.

I cannot concentrate with all your jock energy.

- No. You're gonna be my caddy. - What?

You're gonna come and drill me on those flashcards.

That can't happen again.

Okay. I'll do it.

- Really? - Yep.

You don't want to just go back and forth

back and forth about it for a while and then finally cave?

Nope, I accept.

You're right. I haven't had a job in the service industry

and this will give me some good time in a support role.

You are gonna be shocked at how "of the people" I am.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

- You're soft. - I am not!

You put sunscreen on your hair part.

My doctor says I have to!

Also, you have to buy me golf clothes!

Sorry.

N-No, this... this one... Don't...

Get that sock off for you!

Okay

You are good. Go ahead, girl.

Oh, Theo!

Gorgeous shot!

Love that belt, by the way.

I see what you're up to this weekend.

Very shrewd.

Just here to beat you at golf.

So, how's the French whore?

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I mean... your lovely fiancée.

She's good, good.

We got a house in France, and she spends the summer there.

- She's there now? - Yeah.

You know, late spring through September, October, November.

Long summers in France.

That's why the reception's gonna be held in

Quick

It's Bob Lipka.

Do I have anything in my teeth?

Don't look! Check my teeth.

- No. Yeah. - Am I good? Okay.

Deborah Vance, the one and only!

- Bob Lipka. - Bob Lipka!

Yeah, I'm a big fan.

- Thank you. Of my comedy? - Yeah.

Of your everything.

Hey, Bob.

Marty! How you doin'?

- It's good to see you, man. - It's gonna be fun today.

Yeah.

It feels like 5mph over here.

Well, we're starting downwind today, so...

Yeah, I think north is in that direction.

Could be wrong. Hey, I'm Ava!

I'm just filling in as caddie today.

So I might be leaning on you for some advice.

But yeah, ready to carry some clubs!

You don't really carry them.

You put them in the back of the cart.

Seems like the cart is the caddy

and we're just doing theater but...

that's cool. That's cool.

Also, your vest is on backwards.

I like it like that.

Balenciaga. You know, it's fashion.

You golfed, I assume, when you were there.

I did. We golfed... I think I golfed two days

- Oh, my gosh. - Course is great

We're here for the kids, but...

sure feels good to hit a good one, huh?

What?

Oh, yeah, we missed it, sorry.

Sorry. Oh! You're up.

All right.

Nice distance on that one, Bob.

- Thanks, Deborah. - Not as far as mine, though.

You're up.

Oh, gosh All right.

Good poke.

You have a really buoyant form, Deborah.

Hey, don't be afraid to deepen that shoulder tilt.

Oh, right. Thank you. That's really good advice.

I'll try not to be too afraid!

Yeah, she's really timid.

Nice!

It was terrible!

Bob, you gotta give me some more pointers.

- All right. - No, that was really helpful

- I don't have that many. - Thank you.

Okay.

Okay, that was solid, but on the next one

you're gonna wanna avoid the slope.

Or maybe you wanna aim for the slope so the ball rolls?

You definitely wanna do something with the slope.

The slope is a huge part of our lives right now.

- Flashcards. - Right, right.

All right, okay go for it.

Oh, I know this one.

Flat-Earther, loves boats

allegations against the son.

- Barry Plutz! - Correct.

Miss, that's the men's tee.

The women's tee's further up.

Fuck that.

- Damn. - Nice.

Sorry.

I'm in love.

Can I use the woman's tee?

Hi!

Come on, come on! Let's work this room.

Hey, Mr. Kurian Depaar!

I love your politics, cheers!

Interesting stuff.

Don't tell anyone, but you're my favorite.

I'm so glad!

Can I offer you ladies cigars?

- Oh, we don't really - We'd love to!

Light 'em up!

You are funnier than Seinfeld!

That's a birthday video for your grandniece?

Oh, sure! Give me your phone!

Tell you what. I'm rootin' for you.

Well, I like the sound of that.

It's a good one.

And... and don't think I haven't heard about your ski trips!

- What? - What?

Renting out an entire floor in Gstaad?

I couldn't decide which view I wanted!

Seriously!

Also, a little birdie told me

that you are on the Alumni Board at Dartmouth?

I sure am.

We were just there for Parents' Weekend.

The foliage this year was stunning.

Well, maybe you can put in a good word for my grandson?

Oh, I see, ulterior motives.

- How old? - He's due in about 20 weeks.

Can't start too soon, right?

- It's for the kids. - I'll do an interview.

For the kids!

What are you doing?

Lookin' for that gorgeous golf queen from yesterday!

She's behind us today, dummy.

Good lookin' out, boss.

There you go!

Not bad!

Well, thanks to you!

I remember you being a better player than this.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Hey, Caddie Girl!

You gonna clean up that divot your golfer made?

Oh, yeah. Def.

This divot officially needs to be redivoted.

Here.

Get on your knees.

That's it.

All right. All right. Calm down. Calm down.

All right. Back to business!

Our next auction item

is a weekend of pampering at the Canyon Ranch Spa.

I love that place.

As an added bonus

I lost an emerald earring in their saltwater plunge pool last August.

If you can find it, this package is worth an extra 11 grand.

Give her a show!

Let's start the bidding off at 2,000.

- Anybody 2,000, 2,000. - Two thousand, here!

Two thousand, this table right here, this gentleman.

Wow! Your own plane.

I could fly you to Turks and Caicos

and from there, you could go wherever you needed to go.

What an offer.

Deborah! Hi!

Hi. Glenn! How you doin'?

Good to see you!

Have you seen Bob?

He hasn't bid on anything. I'm afraid I offended him

when I did that bit eviscerating the Michelin star system.

I knew that was too edgy for this crowd.

I saw him sneak out after you auctioned off the safari.

Was that a low-key rhino hunt?

No. Yeah. Maybe.

Don't go!

You have gorgeous hips.

I can, too.

- Hi. Thank you. - 1896 Dom Pérignon.

- That's great. Great. - Yeah. Were you celebrating?

Yeah.

Deborah.

Come here often?

Two stand-up comedians running into each other

at a golf club in Nevada.

You must be like, "What?"

I... I just... I flew up briefly for a...

A meeting?

Looked like it went well.

It did, yeah.

I didn't realize you saw.

You know what? I'm glad I ran into you

because I just... I wanna say I hope there's no hard feelings.

And it would mean a lot if you were one of my first guests.

You're welcome anytime.

All right. Well

I'll leave you to it.

Black on black!

Billy Jean King.

It's not not working.

I'm not getting Late Night.

What? What happened?

I saw Bob Lipka meeting with Jack Danby.

- He got the job. - Well, that's bullshit.

All right, so what's our game plan?

Nothing.

I'll pay you for your whole hiatus.

You can go back to LA whenever you want.

No, we're... we're not gonna give up.

It's happening.

And of course, it is.

It was stupid of me to even think I had a chance.

- Deborah. - I don't wanna talk about it.

You might wanna loosen that grip a bit.

There she is!

I'll have a Corona, please.

Hey, Deborah, can I buy you a cocktail?

I'll have a Gatorade Zero.

Yellow.

Thank you.

Thanks. Keep the change.

Tell you what, you are lookin' real confident with that nine iron.

You know, you are just gettin' it done...

Hey! Deborah! Deborah!

I'm not I'm not in yet!

I'm Deborah!

Nice shot.

Would you get my ball?

You wanna go to the restaurant, get something to eat?

I think I just wanna be alone.

Hey.

Hey.

Mind if I sit?

- Sure. - Thanks.

You're a white wine girl, huh?

Not usually, but I wanted to try this.

It's Cameron Diaz's company.

Oh, good for her.

Is it good?

That's what I've been wondering.

What do you mean?

Like, isn't it bad that the goal for actors now is to, like

be good at art so you can sell CBD lip balm, or whatever?

But then again, actresses have historically

had their image monetized

without any control over how that image was used.

So maybe, if this gives them more power and agency

- it's a good thing? - Great!

But then again

doesn't capitalism only ultimately benefit evil, rich white men

regardless of who heads any one company?

- So maybe it's bad. - Well

But also, who am I to judge?

I work for a giant media conglomerate.

I'm just gonna go live in the woods.

On stolen land?

Oh, god.

You talk about this stuff a lot?

It comes up.

And she keeps you around?

She must really like you.

Yeah.

She found out she didn't get the hosting gig.

She's really upset.

That's what today was about.

Well, it's disappointing, but she'll be all right.

I hope so.

I've known her a long time

and over these past couple years, she's really changed.

And I'm pretty sure that's right about the time you showed up, kid.

Thank you for saying that.

Even though calling me "kid" is incredibly infantilizing

it's also charming.

Merde.

I gotta FaceTime with a French wedding florist.

Au revoir.

I don't think caddies are allowed to drink up here.

Sorry. I guess I'll leave.

I think you should.

And I think you should come to my room.

Good evening.

I thought I better get in some practice swings

after you destroyed me on the course today.

I had no idea you were so good.

Nobody does.

Where's your security?

Oh, I put a mop and some pillows under my blanket.

I was kidding.

I gave him the night off.

Oh, yeah, you stink.

What was that?

I said you fucking stink.

Did you not shower after carrying those clubs all day, hm?

Oh, I... I did

I... I washed my hair even.

No.

I think you need a shower, Caddie Girl.

Hold on, sorry.

I just wanna be clear about one thing.

I'm not actually a caddie.

What?

You were caddying.

Oh, my god. Yeah, no.

I... I was just filling in for the weekend.

I actually work full-time as a co-producer

on a topical comedy variety show

which has been such a cool experience

to use my comedy skills to engage with real issues.

What?

All right.

Hold on, is that a dealbreaker for you?

Yeah. This entire situation is fucked now.

Well, wait.

Were you only into me 'cause I was a caddie?

Yes.

Okay? Is this like some weird power thing

where you only wanted to fuck me

because I'm your working-class subordinate?

It's kinda problematic.

Oh, god! Everything is so "problematic" these days.

What? Are you gonna lecture me on inclusivity

tell me how I can't fund fracking?

Fra... fracking?

Are you a Republican?

Obviously.

Oh, my god! That was not on your flashcard!

It just said you were a mother to two German Shepherds!

What?

You're a gay Republican?

How does that make sense?

You're a co-producer pretending to be a caddie.

How does that make sense?

I don't know! It doesn't!

I was just trying to a good person

and ethical consumption is fucking impossible!

Where's my shirt?

I was really looking forward to pissing on a caddie.

You were not gonna piss on me!

- Yeah, I was. - No, you weren't!

Yes, I was. I was going to piss all over you!

You weren't gonna piss on me, no!

A liberal kink shamer.

I thought you people were supposed to be sex positive.

Oh, my god. I would happily let a socialist pee on me!

Buh-bye, lady!

Your loss!

You know, people are probably afraid to tell you this

but your swing sucks.

- Really? - Yeah, what do they call you?

Oh, yeah! Slice-and-Dice Lipka.

Now that's just mean.

Okay. Don't hold back.

Well, I don't know where to start.

I mean, you when you address the ball

you gotta keep your left foot lined up with the club.

- Which I do. - Turn your club face a little bit.

Turn your club face a little bit.

- Okay. - And keep your left arm straighter.

All right.

Like this?

Yeah.

All right.

That was pathetic.

Pathetic?

Well, why don't you come over here and show me?

Oh, Jesus Christ, I've gotta do everything myself.

Okay. Remember you're not playing fuckin' baseball!

That's midnight. This is one o'clock.

- You want this, okay? - Yeah.

- Feel that? Feel that? - Yeah.

All in the form, all right?

Turn. Head down.

And then you turn.

All the power comes from your hips. Feel that?

- Yeah, I feel it. - All the power comes from your hips.

And then your chest... your chest, ends up like that.

Right, you follow with your chest like that.

How 'bout here?

That works.

Yeah.

I think so too.

I think you already know this

but we made a decision about the show.

I know.

You dirty diva.

Get it Derba.

Excusez moi, Miss Thang!

Saw you doin' the walk of shame this morning.

High-five

I don't wanna talk about it.

Oh, come on. What happened?

Who happened? Marty?

Oh, no, Deborah. Not Bill Blort from Cincinnati?

No.

Bob Lipka.

Oh, shit. Nice.

No, not nice. Mistake.

Pack your things. We're leaving early.

I'm not gonna finish the tournament.

Wait, why are you so upset?

Oh, god! I don't know what came over me.

I was so mad, and I just...

The meaner I was to him, the more into me he was.

I... I just got swept up.

Makes sense.

Half the dudes here are probably pain pigs.

I don't sleep with married men.

Haven't you and Marty...

No, never when he's been married.

I don't get it.

You're not exactly a rule follower.

You care about monogamy?

I follow rules!

You've literally committed voter fraud.

You vote in Nevada and Florida.

I... I got confused once, and I regret ever telling you.

Oh, I feel sick.

You have to be kinder to yourself.

Also, you've had a really tough weekend. It's okay.

I swore when this happened to me...

I would never be the other woman.

Okay, well

fucking a married man once

is not the same as marrying your sister's husband.

It's just not who I am.

I get it. It's important to have values.

But sometimes you make a mistake.

End up in bed with an oil heiress who wants to pee on you.

My point is, trying to be a good person is hell.

But at least you're trying.

And I don't know, maybe it'll help you get

like, one percent over what happened with Kathy.

You want me to sit on your suitcase so you can zip it?

Yes, please.

Okay.

Also, what happened to your hair, girl?

You guys go swimmin'?

I don't know.

I think I made him sit in the shower.

Oh, freak-nasty.

- Thank you. - No problem.

- Kathy Vance? - Yes?

You are cordially invited

to attend Deborah Vance's Vegas Christmas Spectacular.

My sister Deborah Vance?

Is this a prank?

I... I don't know. I'm just the messenger.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Nobody tips anymore.