Original subtitles

The ones you love

The way they love you.

The way you love yourself.

Namaste.

Welcome to Smooth Brains guided meditation

for navigating this difficult time in your relationship.

Exhale negativity.

Ava!

Mario Cantone is so gay

that when he was born the doctor spanked him and he said...

Can you knock?

Why would he knock on a baby's butt?

No, I mean, can you knock on the door

before you barge into my room?

Well, first of all, this is my room, in my house.

And this isn't just any room.

I mean, this is the 1987 to '92 guest suite!

I know. And it's disturbing.

I'm surrounded by photos of you shaking hands

with literal war criminals.

Can I hide some of these pictures?

No. Okay, back to the roast joke.

Mario Cantone is so gay

that when he was born the doctor spanked him and he said...

"Now spin around, it's my turn!"

That's good, that's good.

Okay, I'm gonna leave the door open, I wanna air this room out.

I received a call.

As I was saying, the host of the Late...

(Polish)

(Polish)

They're Polish. For some reason.

Anyway.

Danny Collins called me.

He's leaving Late Night.

I have been waiting over 40 years for a second chance.

This is it.

I want that chair.

Okay, full body chills!

- Feel. Goosebumps. - No.

Okay, I know this isn't my world

but doesn't the network already know who they wanna take over?

Well, normally that's how it works

but right now there's no clear successor.

Plus, everybody is still talking about Deborah guest hosting.

So even though it's a long shot

if ever there was a moment, this is it.

It's not gonna be easy.

This network has ever hired a woman for 11.30.

Or anyone as old as me.

Or let's be honest, a blonde.

It'd be easier to get elected president.

Should we just do that then?

Oh, I'd love to get my hand on those gardens.

But every time I'm at the White House

it just... I don't know, it feels small.

Sure.

Anyway, the next few weeks are gonna be critical.

I need to be sharper and funnier than I've ever been.

Which is why Ava has so generously agreed

to come here on her hiatus.

First up is my roast.

Jimmy, is there someone from the network we can invite?

- Oh yeah, I'm already on it. - Fantastic.

More importantly, Damien.

Schedule me for a lymphatic drainage and a Fraxel.

Ava, you need to fire my new writers.

- Excuse me? - Yeah. They're in her office.

They've been here for a while. I gave them nuts.

Are you serious? No!

I can't fire them! We know each other!

I cannot afford to have any new enemies out there.

This'll soften the blow.

Are you being real?

No, don't... what are you walking away for?

Hey, Jimmy, tell her... I'm...

(Polish) Okej!

It's like someone's making French toast all the time.

- Yeah? - But they're not.

Like there's no one in the kitchen right now.

- I don't think... - Hey, hey!

What is up, my dudes?

- Ava? - Hey.

Yep. It's your girl.

You guys enjoying Vegas, or...

- I mean, yeah, it's fine, like... - It's okay.

It's a little... it's weird.

- I can't find vegetables. - Totally.

So, I do have news.

From the big "D."

How do I say this?

Do you guys remember in Ice Age 12

when Scrat had to let the Puffin Twins go

so they could swim back to Puffin Island

'cause there was no more room left on the iceberg?

- Are you firing us? - No, no, yes.

- What? - Oh, my god.

This is good for you!

I mean, you... you guys don't wanna be here!

- This is your fault. - What do you... What?

- What do you mean it's my fault? - You are dead weight!

It's why you didn't make Lampoon until junior year!

You're not funny.

- You're not funny! - You can't write a joke!

- This is why we're fired! - I don't understand watching 30 Rock

and changing one word of a Carlock script

and being like, I'm a professional.

Oh, my god! Your obsession with comparing me to Robert Carlock.

That was horrible!

Oh, you'll get over it.

No! I will never get over it!

One of them cried!

That's good. You know, it's the ones who don't cry

who always bring wrongful termination lawsuits.

Hey, yoo-hoo.

Sorry to interrupt.

I'm on the phone with the Roast producers

and they're on mute, don't worry.

They're saying that it's really helpful

if a family member roasts the honoree

and they pitched DJ.

Absolutely not.

Or Kathy Vance. Your sister.

- I'll ask DJ. - Great.

She loves the idea. She's freaking out.

Yes! She's gonna call her.

Forgot to show you!

I had Damien make this.

It's a full-body printout of everybody who's doing the roast.

This way we can concentrate on attacking their physical flaws.

Just wanna say, roasts are vile.

I mean, everything about them is problematic.

The material punches down

almost always at the expense of women

and other marginalized groups.

It's almost fascistic when you think about it, you know?

So, I have a question for you.

What if we reinvent the roast?

Do like an uplifting version of it?

I have a question for you.

What rhymes with "flat tits"?

I'll look it up on Rhyme Zone.

Great.

- Hello Miss Vance! - Hi, April!

Oh, I've missed you!

Is this an okay place to set up?

Yeah, it's great.

Okay.

I'm not gonna sit here and pitch jokes

while you have Botox needles in your face.

Well, too bad.

I was gonna give you ten units for free.

- Can I do my armpits? - Please.

Sweetie, please. Elbows off the table.

The self-tanner stains. And put your napkin in your lap.

Mom, I'm an adult.

Here's your plain pasta with butter.

Thank you!

Okay.

My roast.

The producers wanna know if you'll perform.

Now I know that sounds a little scary

but think of all the D'Jewelry you can promote

and it might be a nice bonding experience for the two of us.

Oh, right.

Yeah, what better way to "bond"

than let you insult me in front of tens of millions of people.

Tens of millions, that'd be great.

Honey, sit up straight. Your posture's atrocious.

Okay, yeah, I'm gonna pass.

Oh, come on.

No, that sounds like a lose-lose situation for me

and I just don't need that kind of stress in my life right now.

I... I get it. I get it.

But, honey, this is such a big deal for me.

Is there anything I can do to convince you?

Yes.

Come to my recovery meeting with me tomorrow.

I'll write you a check for $25,000.

Mom. Come on!

You've never come to one of these with me before.

And tomorrow's a really big deal, it's my five-year anniversary.

Please. It would really mean a lot to me.

- Sure. - Really?

- Yeah, okay. - Oh, awesome!

Thank you! You know what?

I think you're actually gonna enjoy yourself.

There are women there who are 20 years younger than you

but look 30 years older.

- That sounds fun. - Right?

- Ava! - Hey! I've missed you!

I thought this was a school fundraiser?

Girl, it is! It's the PTA fashion show.

But why are all the women so unbelievably hot?

Okay, horny.

Girl, this is Las Vegas!

Most of the moms here are showgirls, acrobats

or like, married to a Raider.

Yeah, makes sense.

Are... are there... are there kids here?

No, of course not!

This fundraiser

is for the older rich dads with late-in-life kids

to open up their hearts and their wallets

so the school can finally have a botanical garden.

- Totally. - Denise.

Waist, very sash, ass, very phat

also I love Stephanie's diorama on the Hoover Dam!

I learned so much!

Actually, that's quite good.

Ironically, it would pair well with a nice, dry Chablis.

That'd be super funny if this wasn't NA.

Look who's finally made it in! It's Deborah Senior!

Mom, this is Laurie, my therapist. She leads group.

Oh, so you're the one who got my little girl clean?

Well, my car insurance owes you a gift basket.

- Okay. - You crack me up.

I'm sorry I look crap.

I mean, when DJ texted that you were coming

I really wanted to look my best

but my hairdresser had a hip replacement

and I just... I... I think it has quite seriously

affected her work.

- You look lovely! - Oh, thank you!

DJ, you need to Zelle me for dues.

And caramel frappe.

Thank you. Oh, while I remember...

- You, which one was it? - The five.

That's right, I knew that.

Yeah, your garbage is in the way, there you go.

- Thank you so much. - Here you go.

Normally I have to say, you know

don't be scared about speaking to the group

but I think this time you are gonna be just fine.

Mark, no! Just use a plate!

Sorry, guys, I just...

I just gotta make sure that everybody uses a plate.

'Cause if there's lots of crumbs there's lots of rats, aren't there?

- We know. Yeah. - Loads. Thank you. Sorry.

Bye.

She's great, right?

Yeah, so I... I have to say something?

Yeah, duh.

Say a couple nice words, present me with the chip.

It's not a big deal.

Okay.

Like tighter.

Even tighter, like don't be afraid to break a rib.

Yeah.

Sorry, one sec. Hello?

Hi. I need you to write a few words for me

about how proud I am of DJ for being five years clean.

Short, sweet, nothing too maudlin.

Okay? When do you need it by?

ASAP. I'm here now. Just text it to me.

All right. I'll send you something in a minute.

- Who's that? - Deborah.

She wants me to write something for DJ's recovery group.

That's messed up. Isn't that, like, personal stuff?

What, she wants you to write her diary entries for her too?

I did once write her food journal for Women's Day Magazine.

It was pretty good.

Ava. Look at yourself in the mirror.

You are a bad-bitch-in-demand executive producer now!

Coproducer. It's a couple levels below, but...

You know that Deborah used to treat me the same?

Expecting me to deal blackjack at her house on a moment's notice.

But then I had Luna, and I said, "Deborah, look.

My daughter is my number one priority right now.

If you want me to be somewhere

you gotta give me at least 24 hours' notice

to get a babysitter.

And that worked?

No, but she did offer to pay Luna's school tuition here instead.

They have amazing after-school care, so I can go whenever.

But the point is I did set that boundary.

And now Luna can play the French horn!

You've gotta set boundaries and keep things appropriate.

- You're right. - Yeah.

Can you sprinkle some of this glitter on the top of my ass crack?

You just blow on it.

Sure.

Why is your breath so hot?

Sorry.

I am so happy to give you this ten-year chip.

I love you.

Thank you, Sara.

And now, last but not least is Deborah

to give DJ her five-year chip.

DJ.

I know sobriety has been a difficult battle for you

and I haven't always made it easier.

But seeing you here, with your friends

and seeing the progress you've made

and the resilience you've shown over the last five years

just fills my heart.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

You know, DJ's childhood

wasn't what you'd call "stable" or "normal"

or even "lucid."

You know, until she was seven

she thought the kitchen was "the place where we kept the batteries."

Every time she rode a bike, she got pulled over!

In kindergarten, she learned her ABCs backwards

so she could recite them to a cop.

No, but seriously, we're all really proud of DJ.

And not just me, her whole family

and all her friends.

Like Mario Cantone.

Speaking of Mario, by the way, Mario Cantone is so gay...

This casino dealer mother to second grader Luna

is not playing the odds with this outfit!

It's Kiki Lau!

Hot.

Hot.

Well, well, that was fun!

I should be coming to these things more often.

Are you fucking kidding me?

All you had to do was focus on me for just a few minutes.

But no! You had to go tellin' your shitty jokes!

- Shitty? - Mom!

I have been begging you

to come to these meetings with me for years.

This place is important to me and to my healing.

But, of course, the first time you show up

you just make it all about yourself.

Well, to be fair, all the jokes were about you.

Oh, my god!

You can't even stop telling jokes now?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't do therapy good.

You know, but at least I showed up.

Well, I really wish you hadn't.

You know, I don't need this.

I came even though this is a very important time for me.

Well, it's a very important time for me, too, Mom!

I'm pregnant!

Well, I wish I wasn't finding out like this.

I wasn't supposed to tell anybody until after the anatomy scan

because technically it's... it's a geriatric pregnancy.

Don't you dare say a goddamn word!

Honey, I...

Wow. It's...

Congratulations.

This is amazing. Come on, give me a hug.

I'm not giving you a hug!

You know, one of the very first thoughts I had

when I found out that I was having a baby?

Was how do I protect my child

from getting fucked up by you for shit like this?

I'm walking home!

Oh, come on. At least take an Uber!

I'm locked outta my account!

What the hell? Why doesn't anyone here knock?

Why don't you shut the bathroom door?

I don't have to shut the door! It's my room!

Oh, I saw something.

- What do you want? - Well, I'll tell you what I want.

What I want is to rip my mom a new asshole.

So, my roast jokes are gold

but what I'm struggling with is my catchphrase.

- Catchphrase? - Yeah, every good comedian

has a catchphrase.

- Your mom doesn't. - Well, not anymore.

But she used to say, "Put down the fork!"

- Right. - So, this is what I'm thinking.

Are you ready?

"What a cunt!"

- That is strong. - Yeah.

Can I hear what else you've... you've written?

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

All right, my mom's so old her Social Security Number is two!

What a cunt!

Yeah, that... that sounds like it came outta like, a joke book?

Yeah, that's where I got it.

- Is that not allowed? - Not really.

What if I change the number two to 69?

Not really the issue

- Four-twenty? - Yeah, we...

I don't know any other funny numbers.

It's... it's more so the... the joke book thing.

Made me laugh.

Okay...

Oh, god! You're gonna die!

This is so good, okay.

My mom's always on her phone looking at real estate apps

I'm like, stop looking for houses

and start looking for a damn grave site!

What a cunt!

Vicious.

She's old.

Okay, so I'm feeling like for you

maybe one-liners is not gonna be like necessarily the way to go.

What if you tried telling funny stories

about your mom from like real-life experiences?

Wait. You're saying that the truth might hurt her more.

- Yeah. - Whatever hurts her the most.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Okay, you are good!

- Yep, yep! - I'm all right.

- I'm pregnant. - What?

Holy shit!

- Give me a hug! - Congrats!

Oh, my god! Congratulations!

I'm gonna be an uncle.

Yeah. Oh, my god.

I'm really... really feeling nauseous.

Do you have any plain crackers in here?

- Yeah. - Thank you.

- Yeah, I actually do. - Yeah, yeah, could you hurry?

Hey, so, just so you know

DJ asked me to help with her roast material.

How is it?

It's...

Have you thought about maybe having her not do it?

Oh, god, is it that bad?

Yeah, I don't want her to embarrass herself.

Especially if she's pregnant.

Congratulations, by the way.

If you're looking for a name, "Ava" is beautiful.

Very hot girl vibes.

Okay. I'll talk to her.

About the name?

About the roast.

Well...

- What do you want? - May I come in?

You may not.

Okay, okay, listen, I feel terrible, terrible

about what happened the other night.

And I wanna help you out.

I wanna set you and Aidan up with 'round-the-clock nanny care.

I'm gonna hire a chef who can come up with a meal plan

to make sure you're getting enough folate.

And I'm gonna buy some baby toys

that educate but also have no sound.

Yeah... no thank you.

I don't need anything from you.

I am perfectly capable of handling this pregnancy on my own.

I... Yeah... well look...

At least let me help you out with the roast.

I... I know from experience how stressful performing can be

when you're pregnant.

So I came up with an entire set for you.

All you have to do is stay up there and read it.

- Easy-peasy. - Oh, my god!

This is my Cornell admissions essay all over again!

I wrote you a gorgeous essay!

News flash, Mom. I'm stronger than you think.

And I'm gonna do the roast my way, and I'm gonna crush it!

And when I'm done doing my roast all over you

they're probably gonna offer me a late-night show!

I just don't want you to get hurt.

You're the one who's gonna get hurt

when I rip you a new one.

Please, please let's not fight.

I... I just want to support you and my future granddaughter.

We don't know the gender yet.

Well, they say "little girls steal your beauty."

And your hair's been looking a little bit thin...

I'm so relieved. They got Mario.

I know. He's gonna bring amazing energy.

Oh, wait, have you seen any of DJ's jokes?

- How are they? - No, I don't know.

She wouldn't send them in for the prompter.

I know.

Hello!

- Oh, hello, Ava. - What's up?

Nice to see you, Ava.

Don't worry, Mom, they're almost done with me.

I'm sure they're gonna need all hands on deck to finish you up.

Oh, make sure you contour her nose and fill in those eyebrows.

She's an over-tweezer.

Sorry to intrude

but I couldn't wait to meet the Deborah Vance.

Hi, I'm Jack Danby.

Hi, nice to meet a young man with manners.

Well, it's nice to meet a young woman with class.

Oh, please!

And I love seeing a man

who knows how to dress for these events.

Thank you, no I'm always saying

I was born in the wrong generation.

I... I hate athleisure wear and I love to drink at lunch.

But seriously, I... I can't tell you

what an honor it is to share the stage with you.

You're like, one of my comedic idols, so...

I wanted to tell you that

before I eviscerate you on national television.

Oh, I appreciate that.

- I'll see you out there. - Can't wait.

Now that is a funny young man.

I don't think I've ever heard you call someone "funny"

who didn't have a chromosomal disorder.

Oh, don't talk about yourself that way.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready?

- I said, are you ready? - All right, girl.

I gotta spit out my lozenge.

Damien!

- The woman of the hour! - Damien?

Deborah Vance!

Thank you very much!

Welcome!

I'm Mario Cantone.

You know when I was asked to be the roast master

for a trailblazing icon

I immediately said yes.

But then, a couple of days later, they called back

and said Angela Lansbury just died, so never mind.

Anyway, we are here to celebrate Deborah Vance.

Oh, yes!

So, our first comedian is the nicest guy in Hollywood

which is what people say when you are pretty

and you have no talent.

Please welcome, Jack Danby!

Deborah's so old, she still calls movies "the talkies."

It's not her fault, though.

You don't know what they are if you can't get cast in them.

Deborah, you're an important reminder

of what my future could look like.

If I don't find a decent plastic surgeon

and just allow a carpenter to rebuild my face.

Deborah is so old

she remembers when Roe and Wade were still very good friends.

Deborah Vance is on my personal Mount Rushmore.

And by that, I mean

I thought she died like 200 years ago

and she probably owned slaves.

Tell me, sis, not today, not me!

Okay, maybe just one night. I'll do some light cleaning.

Deborah's jokes are so cheap.

You'd think the kids in her QVC sweatshops make them.

Give them water, they're working so hard!

I've never understood why Deborah is so huge with gay men.

You are so popular with gay men.

Never got that and then I met her, and I realized, oh!

She smells like poppers and her face looks like a nut sack!

- Oh, my god! - There you go.

Are you enjoying your evening out?

As we have all made clear tonight

Deborah Vance has made a lot of mistakes in her career.

But I'm happy to bring up her biggest mistake of all.

Her daughter, DJ.

You may know DJ from her D'Jewelry line

which is so ugly she belongs in D'Jail.

Everyone, please welcome, DJ Vance!

Hi, I'm DJ Vance.

My mom is here tonight

is something I could never say at a ballet recital.

A lot of people think my mom was a negligent inattentive mother...

No, I'm just kidding.

My mom gave me everything I have.

A house, an education

crippling anxiety, bipolar disorder, multiple subpoenas.

What a cunt!

You know, a lot of people don't know this

but I was a C-section birth.

Yeah, not for any medical reasons

but because my mom says and I quote, "I'm known for my grip."

What a cunt!

Wow, okay. I was wrong. Really wrong.

You know some of you may know this

but my mom is always collecting antiques.

I'm like bitch you are an antique!

What a cunt.

Anyway, before I go

I do just wanna say one last thing to you, Mom.

And I have to apologize.

I know you don't like when I get all sappy and sentimental.

But we've been through a hell of a lot together.

And I know that we don't always say this to each other

but it's important to me that you know

that written on my heart

will always be those three little words

- What. - What.

- A. - A.

- Cunt! - Cunt!

Thank you so much. Thank you!

- You were so funny! - Stop!

- You killed it! - Thank you!

- I'm gonna get you a drink. - Thanks!

DJ!

- You were incredible! - Mom. That was amazing!

I have never experienced anything like that before.

I finally get it.

What?

Why comedy was always the most important thing to you.

You know, I spent my whole life thinking you were a narcissist

but turns out...

you're actually an addict.

Like me.

You're addicted to getting laughs.

And, I mean, I can go to group to stay sober, but you can't.

Your addiction is the group.

There's no hope for you!

Oh, my god! I feel so much better!

Well, good. I think?

Well, anyway, you were just amazing

and I'm sorry I ever underestimated you.

Thank you.

If you ever want me to go back to group with you...

No... I'm good.

I'm sorry about the way I acted.

It's okay. Addicts always hurt the ones they love.

- And it's completely noninvasive? - Completely.

You were on bed rest for two weeks.

- Congratulations! - Thank you.

I mean, that's huge.

And I will say, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Someone funnier? Yes.

What are we congratulating you on?

A Deadline article just came out.

Danny Collins is retiring

and apparently Jack is the frontrunner to replace him.

Is that right?

It's just a rumor right now. So, I don't know.

What don't you know?

Well...

No, no, it's great! It's great!

You're perfect for it. You're generically funny.

Excuse us.

I guess you don't find him funny anymore.

Smug piece o' shit!

Come on, we got work to do.

Good morning!

I thought you might want your lozenge back.

Ew, no!

That's been in your hand!

God knows how many germs there are in that giant ecosystem.

Perfect segue.

I'm only here for another 86 days

so I would love to set some boundaries

for our working relationship.

Boundaries? Okay.

I would prefer that you use the outdoor shower.

I'm serious! Okay, this isn't the same as before.

I'm a coproducer now.

A coproducer.

Oh fine, fine. What do you want?

Well to start, I would like you to stop handing me things

that have been inside your mouth.

Or asking me to fire people.

Fine. Deal.

I'm actually not done.

I want you to knock before you enter my room.

I want clear-cut set work hours with overtime pay.

I'm not gonna be writing personal material for you anymore.

And no more jokes about my physical appearance.

Yeah, nothing about my face, my hair...

You know, what I'm wearing, what I'm eating

and most importantly, the size of my hands.

Oh, come on! Now those are grandfathered in!

I can go back to LA right now.

All right, all right.

I agree to your terms.

But I have one condition.

I'm not going to your bra lady for a fitting.

Okay, my bra fits fine!

Yeah, it kinda hurts, but that's what bras are.

No...

While you're here

you make time to work on your own stuff.

Okay.

- Deal. - Deal.

Okay, cool.

So you're doing Hoda on Monday, right?

Okay so I feel, like, over the weekend

I can probably get some stuff together

but I think the Carrot Top stuff is like pretty timeless.

But I also kinda had the idea

that maybe we'd bring out some of the old footage

which kind of could be major.

Just since it's already ready and you have that video?

And also, I think that appeals to more of like a

you know, wider crowd that's something that can...

- What's up, Josefina? - Ava?

- Yeah? - Do you need me

to give your hair CPR because it is limp and lifeless.

Oh, my god! Are you serious?

That is not fair!

No workarounds!

- Also, Ava. - No!

I have started the Mediterranean diet

and I am out of olive oil.

Can I use your forehead?

That's funny.