Original subtitles

- Mm.

I hate this.

- Totally.

Why did we even, like, move here?

- Because of this stupid pamphlet.

- Brochure? - Totally sure.

- Perpetual sun and fun.

- Rain cuddles are the best cuddles.

- Aw.

It says we can be anything we wanna be.

- Fake, I wanna be a trophy wife.

- Accomplish anything we want.

- Totally fake, I wanna be a trophy wife three times.

Put me on the shelf and knock me off, Daddy.

- Delight in the ultimate companionship.

- Hella, hella fake,

there's not even any cute boys around here.

- There's alleged boys here.

- And they're all so ew. - Ew.

- I want a man that can arm wrestle, tie a knot.

- Rearrange the furniture.

- Rearrange my guts.

Someone who looks sharp and wears boots.

- Ooh, someone who can lay the carpet.

All these girls just keep talking about munching mine.

Like, what even is that diet?

- Ew.

That must be why they look so plastic.

- Yeah.

I want a man's man, somebody who thinks

he knows everything about everything.

Has an accent.

Someone who I can pretend

to laugh at their jokes.

- Yes, drinks beer, likes trashy movies.

- And trashy women. - Ah.

Defends the freaks, geeks, and mutants of the world.

Is so important he has

his own personal mail girl. - Mm hm, and a pet lizard.

- The perfect man must exist somewhere.

- Yeah, but he doesn't exist here

- I'm Joe Bob Briggs

and the World Drive-In Movie Festival and Jamboree

is coming to Vegas this year

and each generation finds something new

to love about this ultimate American experience.

And find out why as Darcy the Mail Girl

and I say every week on our show, The Last Drive-In,

- The drive-in will never die. - The drive-in will never die.

- You need to be there.

- The perfect man does exist.

- And his name is Joe Bob.

- We're going to Vegas, baby. - Vegas, baby.

Kissy num-nums.

# No, no, no, no, no, no, no

# Don't wanna get eaten by a sharknado #

# Blood is gonna flow, flow, flow #

# Don't wanna get eaten by a sharknado #

# Sharknado, sharknado

# Hammerhead's one scary guy

# Mako's gonna make you cry

- Oh, I can't believe we're here.

- Woohoo, grill check. - Grill check.

- No bugs. - On point.

- Ah!

- Oopsies, two for Joe Bob, please.

- Okay, two for the Jamboree.

- No, just for Joe Bob.

- This is for the jamb- - Joe Bob.

- Jamboree.

- The Joe Boboree, yeah! - Yes!

- Okay.

- Where is he?

- Should be somewhere in there, I guess.

Let's get him.

Bye.

- Woo, hoo, hoo.

- I can't believe we're really here.

- Are we in the right spot,

'cause there's hardly anybody here?

- Yeah, there'll be more people here later.

Plus, so little competition.

- Ah, woohoo.

- All those mutant boys in one spot.

- Yeah, and they're trapped,

because there's no free reentry

and they're, like, total cheapos.

Yes.

Oh,.

- What do you got?

Popcorn. - And?

Lone Star beer and bad jokes.

He's in there.

Let's go get that grade-A man steak.

- Yeah. I got a taste for a hunk of prime USDA JB.

- I'm speaking to you, do you work here, hello?

What is this, what are you selling here?

Do you even know what crap you have here?

Oh, fuck.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No, I'm serious, are you fucking kidding me?

You're spilling popcorn all over my place.

Should I come to your house

and fucking kick my feet up on your couch?

Would you like that?

And look at this place, a sea of black T-shirts.

Okay, really?

I mean, they probably have wall to wall 4K, not a 401.

Maybe they should invest in cologne, right?

'Cause you know what, you stink.

You fucking stink.

Get some baby patter, go ahead, yeah, keep going, bye.

Uh, excuse me.

Oh, my fucking God, are you kidding me?

Yeah, you're invading my space, okay.

This dump is now mine, okay.

- Oh my gosh, that's totally rad, congrats.

- Amazing turnout.

- Okay, you screw off, okay, both of you.

I own this place now, I have the papers, this is mine.

It's now gonna be a golf course.

I don't even know why the two of you are here.

- Well, we love this place, it's, like, so historic.

- Yeah, and there's, like, so many memories made here.

So fun. - So fun, oh yeah,

well you know what?

Blow job is now out, okay.

This is gonna be my place

and that little rednecky can go

and be donesky somewhere else.

- Wait, wait, what do you mean?

- I mean I own it

and I am the one who's gonna take, like, everything over

and say fuck off to all these black T-shirt assholes.

You stay away from dope off. - Yeah.

- Oh really, what are you going to do?

Okay, goodbye, losers.

- What did it get? - Totes.

Let's go explore. - Okay.

Dave Sheridan!

Wazzup?

- Wazzup?

- Yeah, that's a hunka hunka burning hunk.

- Soak it in, ladies.

So what can I do you for?

- Oh, you can do me for a while, a really long while.

- Well, there's a price for everything at this table.

I sign autographs and take selfies for 60.

If you want a long while, that's 120.

If you want additional touching, that's 200.

If you want me to pet a pussy, that's $300

because I'm allergic to cats.

Oh.

Wait, stop, stop, stop.

I'm sorry, I have tickle cell anemia.

I should have warned you, I'm very sensitive, yeah.

Hey, are you here to look for Joe Bob?

- Yeah, do you think he would like us?

- I don't know.

Do you know how to play the banjo?

- What is that? - He's gonna love you.

He's right over there, Joe Bob.

Hey, honeys, Ray Ray here.

Don't forget to get your popcorn now.

We're about to get this party started.

- Wow, there's so many people here.

- Hurry, it's starting, hurry up, get on.

Oh, this is great.

- I can't see

- Nothing like watching a show under the stars.

The wind's in my hair.

- Down in front. - Ugh, okay.

Is this better?

- Better.

- Yeah, this is, like, really uncomfortable for me.

- We need a car. - Yeah.

Ooh, this one?

- This is haunted.

Is that a dead person?

- I don't know, but it's unlocked and it looks abandoned.

Come on, let's get in, let's get in.

Welcome to Ruby's Drive In,

hand Jobs to the left, finger blasting to the right.

We're here for the heavy petting

and hopefully a little dry humping.

- Straight ahead, pal. - Such disgusting filth.

Lord, help us, my beautiful drive-in, once the home

of classic cinema, now just a parking lot

full of horny fornicators.

Pull ahead.

Popcorn and condoms are available at the concession stand.

All right, keep moving.

Welcome to Ruby's. - What's playing, pal?

What's always playing, "Turkish Exorcist."

Not again.

Pull forward

My 7,000th screening of "Turkish Exorcist,"

if only I could afford to screen a new movie.

My beloved drive-in's going down the crapper.

All of my customers just stay home

watching those god damn streaming services.

Welcome to Ruby's Drive-in,

that'll be a buck 50.

- What's the rush to get here?

You could've at least let me finish getting ready.

- It's been a very long week.

Besides, I don't wanna miss the happy ending.

- This movie doesn't have a happy ending.

- I wasn't talking about the movie.

- I better get Junior Mints.

- Such filth!

- All right, you two, get a room.

- Sorry, I'm going through puberty.

You and everyone else here, pal.

- Let me guess, "Turkish Exorcist?"

- Yeah, yeah, maybe this time you'll watch.

- Well I never, rude.

- Face it, your dance card's been punched

more than Chuck Liddell.

Have fun, losers.

Back again, hey.

- Two, please.

- Are you sure about that?

- I beg your pardon?

Last time you were here, you tried

to smuggle a drunken little person inside.

I'm sorry, but I'll have to check under your tarp.

There's no one back there.

- Ah ha, you again, get out of there, midget.

- You can't say midget anymore, you're canceled, asshole.

- You people and your pronouns, I can't keep track.

- All right, pal,, gimme a buck 50

or get the hell outta here.

- Seems like his ticket would be half price.

Beat it.

Everybody's so touchy these days.

- Uh-oh, I think I got my class ring

caught in your winter bush.

- Let go of me, you idiot.

You're in the wrong car.

- Oh, what sham, what decadence.

Oh, how I miss the days when people had respect

for the cinema.

Oh, we used to have such a grand time,

didn't we, Big Daddy.

Now how about another White Claw?

Why, sugar pie, what on earth are you doing awake?

My beautiful daughter, what's wrong?

You look like you're tripping balls.

You didn't find mommy's edibles again, did you?

- Nuh uh.

- I'm telling you, Father,

there's a strange phenomenon unfolding.

- Tell me more, Doc.

- We've recently had an influx of patients

who seem to be losing their minds.

I can't explain it,

but they seem to have become possessed with agitation.

There's a frustrated anger, almost demonic if you ask me.

These people are seriously nutted up.

- And why do you think you need a priest?

I'm no doctor.

- I'm glad you asked.

There's something I wanna show you.

- Quick, I need a straitjacket.

- I need a wet back in 32, we got another one.

- My God, what's happening?

- Going up to the break room.

This way, Father, please, follow me.

- Now, Miss, calm down.

See what I mean, Father, she's possessed.

That or she's not getting enough fiber.

- Let go of me, you bitch.

Your mother smells like Hollywood Boulevard.

I've never seen anything like this.

All of these patients are behaving the same.

We've got to find out what the connection is.

Attention staff, pizza party

in the silicone implant room at seven, BYOB.

- Zoom, zoom, zoom.

This is, like, totally rad sauce and sprinkles.

- I wonder where the owners went.

Ah!

Do you think they're the owners?

- I don't think so.

Whoa.

It smells musty in here.

Ew.

- What's wrong?

- I don't know, this is, like, cool and all,

but, like, do we really belong here?

- What do you mean, of course we belong.

- I mean we don't fit in anywhere.

- But we fit in here, right?

- I don't know.

I mean everybody has, like, this thing

and, like, that thing,

but, like, I don't even know what our thing is.

- Movies.

- Yeah, we like movies,

but they, like, really, really, really, really love movies.

Yeah, but like, we've been in the movies,

like, for realsies, like, in the movies, remember.

- Barbie, do you think that we're,

- Don't you dare say it.

It has to be said and said aloud.

- No, I won't hear it.

I think that we might be,

- Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

- See, that proves it.

- It doesn't prove anything.

- Barbie. We have to face it.

We're

weird.

We have to face it.

I've known it for a long time.

- We're total weirdos.

I need some air.

I need, like, nachos,

like, prontos.

Where's my hat?

- When did all this start?

Janitorial to the men's room,

we got another stiff in the John.

- It's hard to tell.

I don't know when it started exactly.

- Is she a drinker?

- Not really.

She's been known to smoke a bowl or two.

One day she was fine and the next,

she lost her mind.

- Mm, tell me something, my child,

are you single

Your mother sucks cocks in hell.

- Please, you've got to save her.

- How can I help?

- Well, if you have a bandaid, for starters.

- I got this.

I might need your help.

- Sorry. I'd love to,

but I heard there are donuts in the break room.

- You'd better wait here.

If it is a demon we're dealing with,

it can get pretty messy.

- But have you done this before?

- Oh no.

But I've seen the Exorcist one, two, and three before.

That ought to do it, baby.

- Good luck.

- She's stabilizing, Doctor. - Good,

we better check that heartbeat.

Yes, Doctor, should I remove her blouse?

Yes, but let's check her heart rate first.

Yes, Doctor.

- And tell Nurse Johnson to mix some martinis

and bring my Polaroid camera.

- Dear God, gimme the strength to pull this off.

- I whip my hair back and forth.

I whip my hair back and forth.

I whip my hair.

You see what I mean.

What on earth is wrong with her?

- You're right, you're not supposed to do sit ups like that.

I've never seen anything like this.

She hasn't been this upset since the last Halloween sequel.

Please, you've gotta tell me what's wrong,

it is my daughter.

- I don't know, but one thing's for sure,

this kid's a headbanger.

Make it stopping, make it stopping, ew, ew.

- When did this bizarre behavior begin?

Last week, we were having a sing-along night

at the piano, and she came downstairs

and made number one on the carpeting.

Hmm, she isn't by chance an R. Kelly fan, is she?

I don't think so.

She just holes herself in her room

watching movies on streaming platforms.

How many platforms do you subscribe?

- All of them. - I see.

And what has she been watching?

What the hell?

Hey, who's there?

I believe your daughter is dying of,

- Lord, help me, not again.

Come on, put the movie back on.

I want my money back.

- That old tub is passed out on the projector again.

What did I tell you about drinking floor cleaner on the job?

Oof, looks like it finally happened.

7,000 screenings of the same movie were just too much.

It's time to list my drive-in on Zillow.

- What's happened? - His dirty pillows

are showing, I'm out.

- Christ, Tubby's always had hangups,

but this is the last straw.

Lucky for us, it's time to change reels.

My God, she's turning her head

all the way around. - If I had

that crappy wallpaper, I'd turn my head, too.

Come on, turn it back on,

I can't see who I'm groping.

- How do you conduct an exorcism?

- Beats the hell outta me.

- Come on baby, I paid for the popcorn,

time for the hot dog.

- You can't make jokes like that anymore,

I'll Me Too your ass.

Ow.

Right in the breadbasket.

- Have fun in prison with all them ugly inmates.

Of course, you won't even have to look at them

'cause you'll be facing in the opposite direction.

Cowabunga, this kid

really knows how to make a point.

Father, what do we do?

I don't know, but one thing's for sure,

she'll never ride a unicycle ever again.

This kid needs a serious timeout.

- Uh.

Now what?

Evil trees.

- Your grandmother shows her pussy on OnlyFans.

- Oh god, Megan, no.

You're on Epstein's passenger flight list.

No.

- Stay back, tree.

I'm warning you.

Leave me alone, you bastard.

Your bark is worse than your,

Timber!

Death by tree.

It's been nice gnawing you.

- Thank you.

- Oh my God, I need popcorn, I need popcorn.

I need candy.

First, I want to wrap my lips

around a big juicy hot dog.

- That reminds me, we have to find Joe Bob

and tell him about that creepo

who wants to turn this place into a golf club.

- Oh my God, yeah, let's go.

- Candy, - Cold drinks, hot dogs,

and more. - Head to the snack bar

for munchies galore. - And don't forget

our golden corn dogs. - There you go again,

accusing me of being forgetful.

] Don't start with me, Darlene.

I should have listened to my mother

and stayed single. - Single?

Ha, then who'd pay for all that booze you swill?

Let me guess, with the money you make

off that useless real estate license.

- I want a divorce! - You got it, sweetheart,

right after I grab some - Fresh popcorn

at the snack bar now.

- Ruby, this is Dr. Danvers.

He's a specialist in children that are slightly off.

- I don't know, Darcy, I just have

a weird feeling about tonight, I can't explain it.

- Ah, buck up, it's gonna be great.

- there you are you big slab of man.

- Ahh.

- Or maybe not.

- Things are looking up already.

- Why, are you feeling blue, darling?

- Aw, what's the matter?

- He's having a moment, it'll pass, it always does.

- Aw.

- I was just saying something felt off about tonight.

I don't know what it is.

It's like the rug got pulled out from underneath.

I just didn't feel inspired.

- Well, we got something that'll put the scoot

back in those boots.

- We do?

We do.

Joe Bob, Joe Bob, Joe Boobs.

Whoa.

- That'll do it.

- How you feeling now?

- Inspirational overload.

Pre drive-in totals,

two naked women, four breasts,

blonde foo', brunette foo',

Darcy eye dagger foo'.

- Ooh.

- Joe Bob says four stars, check 'em out.

Thanks girls, I needed that.

- Hey Joe Bob, can we ask you a question?

- Sure.

Do you think we're,

- We're what?

Weird.

- Well holy folks, yes, I do, and that's a good thing.

- It is?

- Absolutely, right, Darcy?

- Totally, yeah.

- We don't seem to fit in anywhere.

- Yeah, we don't go belong.

- That makes you full-bore drive-in mutants.

We accept all misfits,

Miscreant, freaks, and geeks.

You're our people.

- Aw.

- You're our family.

You do belong.

- We heart you, Joe Bob.

- We have something really important to tell you.

- Okay.

- We forgot.

- Oh, well, if you remember, find Darcy or me

and let us know.

- Okay. - Okay, we will.

Woo!

- Good luck, Father.

- I'd like to see you with your top off, hmm.

- Watch your fingers, we've got a biter

I'm in a movie.

- She just keeps babbling on and on about a place

called Ruby's Drive-in.

Whatever she experienced there has got her all twisted.

She's tightly secured now, Doctor.

I'll leave you two alone now.

Hands off, priest, I'm far too old for you.

Your powers are worthless here.

There is no stopping us.

If you're such a powerful demon, prove it.

Show me!

- Fool, I'll get inside your head with my evil riddles

until you go mad.

What are these riddles you speak of?

Here's one.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

- I know where you're headed, don't go there.

- Ah, you dress her as an altar boy.

Now pull your car around, priest.

That's not a riddle, it's a cheap shot.

- Take me to Ruby's Drive-In.

When we're done with our evil plan,

Go ahead, demon, say it, if you dare.

- There will never be another original thought again.

- But why Ruby's?

What's the point of just watching what's already been done?

- That's the idea, you idiot.

Don't you realize people have forgotten the classics?

Now all they care about is rebooting.

My God, Hollywood's lazy filmmaking

has turned people's brains to shit.

- Your Starbucks order is here.

- Is that chick with the big rack still Here?

- Consider yourself warned, Father.

The end of cinema is upon us.

- Welcome to Ruby's, hand jobs to the right,

group orgies to the left.

Come on, keep it moving.

Welcome to Ruby's, buck 50, please.

- What's playing?

- What do you think is playing?

You're all going to be dying up there.

Mommy just had the carpet cleaned.

- She's catatonic.

She's higher than Willie Nelson at a Grateful Dead concert.

- But why, Doctor?

What the hell is causing this?

- I'm not sure, something is very wrong.

- I read in the paper that she's not the only one.

There are others that have become numb and unmotivated.

Welcome to the world of raising a teenager.

My son hasn't spoken to his mother in three years,

God damn Fortnite.

Would it hurt the kid to mow the lawn?

No, I'm not sure this is just a medical condition.

Can you hear me?

Your mother tells me you haven't been outside

in many months, that you spend all of your time

staring at your iPad screen watching Netflix, Max,

Disney+, that you're obsessed with dumb spinoffs.

She even said you liked "The Book of Boba Fett," ugh.

I never said that, she's not that stupid.

Just leave her alone.

Watching shitty remakes can't affect your brain.

- Shut it!

- I'm

a peanut.

- Oh God, no.

- I think I know what's gotten to her.

Megan, did you know back before you were born,

before people watched movies

and played games on their iPhone

while sitting on the toilet,

Sweet Jesus, what are you doing?

Leave her Alone!

Doctor, are you really sure

this is going to help.

- Before the overall end of imagination and originality,

This isn't helping, get out of my house.

- Shut it!

Back when people used to actually get dressed

and go to the movies,

why sometimes they'd even go outside and read a book.

Do you remember books?

Pages of paper with writing on them

that take you on a journey into your imagination.

- Not books!

- Steady.

There were original stories and movies that existed

before Hollywood started rehashing them.

- You have lost your mind, leave my little girl alone.

- Over and over and over

and over and over

and over and over.

= Let me go. - Huh?

She's sprung a leak,

The power of Alfred Hitchcock compels you.

Quick, somebody look for a Betamax.

Release this child's brain

from the clutches of lazy content.

- I declare.

- My God, she's become possessed, too.

No, she fainted, you idiot.

Mommy, where am I?

This is no medical condition.

Bad remakes are turning people's brain to mush.

That means anyone that's been to your drive-in

is seriously screwed.

Well, what do we do?

There's only one thing to do.

For starters, we've gotta make damn sure

that no one sees "Turkish Exorcist" ever again.

- This is so awesome, I love drive-in movie theaters.

- Whoa, this movie is so creepers.

- I can't believe that there's a drive-in movie

at a drive-in.

- Totally.

- Awesome.

- That's possessed your customers.

We've gotta end showing that reboot tonight.

- But how? - Here's the plan.

You go shut the box office down, then unplug the projector.

We've gotta make sure these people don't see

another frame of this nonsense.

- But how?

- Get on the PA system,

tell everyone to put their clothes back on and,

get the hell out of here.

This ends tonight, one way or the other.

- Hey, get your own popcorn.

- I am.

- Hey, get your own nacho, nach-ho.

- What are you talking about?

- Hi neighbor. - Hi.

- Hey, try to keep it down, please.

We don't want to interrupt anybody

in the vicinity watching the movie.

- Yeah, you don't wanna be rude to others.

But the popcorn here, it's worth

the price of admission, right?

- Delectable, compliments to the chef.

- Wait, you mean you guys aren't serial killers?

- Members of the blood cult

itching for their next sacrificial merit badge?

- Hey, if buttery goodness is a crime, color us guilty.

It's no big deal.

- No, but I mean we are wanted

at every drive-in across the nation.

- By the way, I'm the Blade.

- And I'm the Bunny.

- Together we're

- The Bunny - And the Blade.

- I'm the Barbie. - And I'm Kendra.

And together we're

- Your dad's number one fantasy.

- Aw.

So why did you pick this car?

- Sweet ride, we've never been in a hearse before.

- I feel like someone would die to be in a car like this.

- This is, like, a hearse?

- No wonder there's so much leg room.

- Oh, I totally thought it was, like,

a big stretch limo for, like, having sex.

- Mm, well, news flash, slick, you're out of popcorn.

- And you can't movie without the corn.

- You ate it all.

- Okay, I know, I know, I know.

Barbie, let's go get some more.

Great idea.

- Popcorn. - Popcorn.

Ah, Father Herring,

I've been waiting for you.

Come upstairs to my room,

I've prepared the a marvelous Turkish feast,

hummus, grape leaves.

When you're done, I promise you won't falafel.

- I've warned all my past customers.

- It's for the best.

Don't forget, baby.

So, what's next? - Who knows?

Let's get turnt.

- Ruby's Drive-In.

Told you to call when I'm off.

- What an excellent day for making the exorcism.

Your mama eats discount baba ganoush in hell.

- If you are such a powerful demon,

why don't you show me what you're capable of?

Cash me outside.

Wait, what's happening.

- By the power of William Friedkin,

free this innocent child's soul.

- My God, the drive-in,

it's coming to life.

Two, please.

- Dammit, woman, can't you see we're closed?

- I can't believe we're closing,

but at least my daughter's cured.

- Kill, kill, kill.

- Listen to me, speak to us, demon.

- Hey, what do a priest and McDonald's have in common?

- What?

They both put their meat in fresh buns.

I'm tied to this bed all week.

Mommy, it's happening again.

- What was that? - It is her.

- Bring me a bowl of pea soup.

- She's hungry.

- I have a message from your mother, blech.

- It's just like my mother to send a message like this.

And she wonders why I never call.

- Oh, Big Daddy.

- Oh yeah, oh yeah.

- My God, he's been murdered.

Either that or he couldn't take anymore

of this convoluted storyline.

- Mother, please. - My God,

what is it now? - Bring my iPad.

- I'm coming, Megan, I'm coming.

My God, she's taken up yoga.

How did she get in this position?

I don't know, but she must be fun at parties.

- Get out of this child.

Your mother listens to Hootie and the Blowfish.

- You're right and I hate my mother.

I just heard from the Vatican.

Everyone that's been to Ruby's Drive-In

is losing their minds from watching

a bad "Exorcist" ripoff.

- Bring me the Amityville remake.

According to the Pope, the only way to cure her

is to force her to watch classic cinema.

No, "Jaws 4: The Revenge."

Nurse, quick, bring an original,

- Whoa.

Nurse, bring in "Dawn of the Dead."

Stand back, we've gotta save this poor soul

before it's too late.

- Too late. - It's never too late.

It's too late.

Quick, give her the sedative.

- I got her, I got her, I ain't got her.

- Christ, when was the last time this broad shaved her legs?

- Look out, full diaper, full diaper.

- Not only is she possessed,

she's also a French Canadian acrobat.

For a possessed person,

her satanic moves are very limited.

- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

- Hey, what do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roman Catholic

Why, you little bitch.

- Unhand me now, cretin.

- Get her in bed and tie her down.

- Yes, Doctor. - She's ape shit.

And somebody cancel my golf game for God's sake!

Load my rhino dart gun, this patient is losing her shit.

- Prepare the chapel so I can conduct a cinematic exorcism.

- Hey, get off that, okay, it's mine.

What the fuck are you looking at?

- That's that jerkwad who wants to give Joe Bob the ax.

- Wait, that's what we were supposed to tell him.

We have to hurry.

- And interrupt the show?

- Well, there's not gonna be a show if she has it her way.

Let's go.

- In the name of our lady of VHS,

I pray that you bless this chamber,

mekka-lekka-high, mekka-hiney-ho.

Come forward, Priest.

Come forward if you dare.

I'm not afraid of you, demon.

Your mother watches basic cable in hell.

What an excellent day for a circumcision.

Put on "Exorcist," believer, before I destroy you.

- I'm not afraid of you, shallow beast.

- Ready for another riddle?

Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

I'm coo coo for Cocoa Puffs.

I'm coo coo for Cocoa Puffs!

- Most glorious of heavenly armies,

I beg of you to save this wretched soul and her empty head.

I beg you to free her soul from this old shtick

and the endless stream of constant rehash, make it stop, oy.

- Hello Doc, wanna watch the remake

of "Nightmare on Elm Street," huh?

Yes, it's near, let's spin "Sharknado" sequels.

My God, my teenage daughter's out of control.

Somebody call Dr. Phil.

You're all going to be dying up there.

- My God, this movie's in 4D. - I want my money back.

- My God, the drive-in, it's alive.

I've got to shut this crappy movie down once and for all.

It's time for the final curtain.

Ouch, son of a bitch, that's gonna leave a mark.

- In the name of our Lord and savior, George Romero,

god of filmmaking.

- Everyone stay back, these speakers are furious.

The whole place has become possessed with mediocrity.

Nice try, foolish mortal.

Bullseye!

- Drive-in speaker maintenance, scoot over.

- Get your own broad, pal.

- What are you doing, no!

- I command thee, demon, stop with the remakes.

- Reboot, reboot, reboot.

- Carjacked at a drive-in, now I've seen everything.

- No, stay back, no, no.

- The power of Chrysler compels you.

- Stay back, no! - Come into me.

- It's all over. - Son of a bitch!

Fire!

- So the lizard swallowed the penis

and said, "Needs more salt."

All right, Darcy, another perfect night

at the drive-in, wasn't it?

- It's beautiful.

- Yeah, what we got coming up now?

Something else,

- Goth, buy.

- What?

You're playing golf, you're, what's happened?

- No. - You want me

to make a slasher film? - No, drive, no more.

- You lost your neck?

Any idea what this is about, Darcy?

- I have no idea.

- Classic Americana and I hate it.

And you know what, tomorrow, dude,

I'm turning you into boots.

- Who the hell is this person?

Yeah, we're doing a show here.

- Oh yeah, well the name is Stu Dio.

Stu Dio?

What the Sam Hill is going on here with this, Darcy?

- I have no idea.

- She's buying up all the land in and around the drive-in.

- And she's turning it into a golf corpse.

- Yeah, she's a necromaniac.

- Okay, you know what?

I have the deed right here.

- What deed?

- Right here, blow job.

And you know what?

You thought you were signing it for this big old jamboree,

but this place is now mine.

- What are they selling mescaline

at the concession stand now or something?

- Oh, please, stop.

This place is mine, Joe Bob.

And you have nothing to say.

It's new, it's fresh, it's the digital age.

- I don't know anything about that.

But Darcy, you got anything in that mailbag

for Miss Stu Dio?

- And how.

- What?

My dick!

- You forgot one thing, Stu Dio.

The mutant family grows stronger every day.

As long as the spirit exists, we can never be stopped.

In other words, this drive-in

and all like it will never die.

Fuck Miss Stu Dio.

The mutant family owes both of you a huge debt of thanks.

- Yay.

- Both you Kendra and you Barbie.

- Uh huh. - Shucks, it wasn't nothing.

Yes, it was.

- You two need a ride home from here?

- No, thank you, we rode my Harley.

You rode in on a hog?

- Yeah.

- What? - Your mama eats discount

baba ganoush in hell.