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[ soft 1940s music plays ]

male announcer: Meanwhile on the home front,

the war has come to the kitchen.

Up and down the country,

housewives are showing the enemy what they're made of.

Well done, mrs. Jones.

Who would have guessed that a turnip could go so far?

The german pocket battleships, scharnhorst and gneisenau

are still hiding in the port of brest,

dodging the allied bombing raids.

The atlantic won't be safe until they're,

once and for all, beneath the waves!

As the prime minister hides aboard

one of our finest navel destroyers,

winston churchill is proud to thank the boys

who have been keeping our convoys safe.

Excuse me.

Keep up the good work, and keep brittania ruling the waves.

Excuse me.

Lord louis mountbatten salutes his heroes home.

Following the extraordinary bravery

shown by his newly formed "commandos,"

lord louis is pleased to shake the hands

of the men who have shaken jerry rigid.

[ gunfire ]

their valiant raid on the western isles of norway

has been a triumph of military strategy.

One grenade in the right place and bang goes another jerry hq!

So watch out, adolf!

Who knows where our boys will strike next.

[ gunfire, bombs exploding ]

by the right, quick March.

Left, right, left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right...

Instructor: Fighting a war means doing one's job

and in the field of battle, gentlemen, every second counts.

One mistake or one small miscalculation

and the results can be catastrophic.

Let me tell you a story.

I was sitting in a shell hole, surrounded by the enemy,

with not much left of the chap to the right of me.

The chap to the left was no better off.

Sitting beside me was a young soldier screaming in agony.

Never seen anything like it,

rocking like a child, clutching his head,

calling for his mother.

Believe me, gentlemen, toothache in the field is no joke.

Know what I did?

I made a stopper out of some brackish mud,

a shell case from my .38 and a clove of garlic.

The chap was back on his feet and back in action

in under two minutes

and the enemy ran like buggery when they smelled him coming.

But I'm serious, gentlemen. [ airplane engine roars ]

what we do here is frontline stuff.

All right, all right.

We've all seen the r.A.F. Before,

and we all know what they do.

While they do their bit,

we'll do ours with an impression tray,

a clear head, and poly pliers -

the only ones you need. [ engine roaring increases ]

let's get started, shall we?

Three reasons why we use...

[ indistinct conversation ]

[ speaking indistinctly ]

move!

[ engine roaring decreases ]

wouldn't you say, cuthbertson?

Sir?

Your war effort is here in this room, private.

So let's not waste any time, all right?

An army marches on its stomach, cuthbertson,

and an army that can't bite is an army that can't fight.

What's an army that can't bite?

All: An army that can't fight, sir.

Very good.

Well, upward and onward -- the use of china clay

in the shade matching of dentures.

[ jimmy messene & al bowlly's "turn your money in your pocket" plays ]

♪ if you want to be lucky like a baby with a silver spoon ♪

♪ just turn your money in your pocket ♪

♪ whenever you see a new moon ♪

♪ if you want to be happy like a baby with a toy balloon ♪

♪ just turn your money in your pocket ♪

♪ whenever you see a new moon, oh, yeah ♪

♪ whenever you see a new moon ♪

[ rattling ]

man: Want a cup of tea?

Sergeant: Yeah. Give us a hand.

Hey, is this your mug?

Look at the state of that. That's mold, that is -- mold!

You could grow mushrooms in that.

Oh, just get on with it.

[ hums ]

captain cuthbertson to the rescue!

[ mimics grenade whistling, exploding ]

[ imitates victims ] ah! Ah! You saved us!

Cuthbertson!

What the bloody hell are you doing in there?

Nothing, sergeant.

Don't lie to me, soldier. Stand up -- attention!

What the bloody hell is that?

Uh, it's a hand grenade, sergeant.

I know what it is.

What I don't know is what it's doing in your hand.

Well, uh...

Give it to me.

I said give it to me, private.

Ooh, don't pull the thing -

w-what do we do now?

Will it go off?

No. Not while I'm holding the grip.

I'll go and get some help, sergeant.

No, don't! Wait!

Put the pin back in.

I can't.

Why not?

'cause it's bent.

It's meant to be bent.

No, I know that but this one's bent...Bent.

Man: It's bloody cold in here.

Did you leave the door open?

I've got an idea.

You better not break it.

[ grunts ] bugger!

What?

I think I've broken it!

Bugger.

No, it's all right.

[ indistinct conversation in distance ]

come on, cuthbertson. We've got company.

Do you think it'll hold now I've bashed it?

[ air raid sirens wail ]

man: Follow me!

[ indistinct shouting ]

where did that come from?

Bloody nowhere, sir. The whole building's gone.

Anyone hurt? Don't know, sir.

Man: Air raid sirens - pick your feet up!

[ sirens continue to wail ]

what do you reckon, then?

Looks like a thousand-pounder.

No, this a fart in the bath compared to a thousand-pounder.

That was a 550-pound bomb

dropped from the port rack of a junkers 88.

How'd you know that, regimental sergeant major?

Because I saw it.

[ shouting ] well, don't just stand there gawping,

start getting this lot cleared up now!

All accounted for, regimental sergeant major, sir.

Casualties?

A few cuts from glass - nothing serious.

The colonel's wife swallowed a prune stone.

Sir!

Everybody all right? All present and correct, sir.

The colonel's wife apparently swallowed a prune stone, sir.

Bit of a mess, isn't it?

Attention!

Stand easy.

Mm.

Bit of a mess, all this.

Any idea what it was?

Hut 29, sir.

What dropped it?

Oh, junkers 88, sir.

Must have had one left over, sir.

So you don't think they were aiming at us?

No, no. Right. Point taken.

King: That was a bloody hand grenade, cuthbertson.

You could have blown the whole bloody place to kingdom come,

saved adolf the bother of dropping that bomb! Yes, sergeant.

You would've seen yourself on the pathé-bloody-news then,

wouldn't you - wouldn't you, private?

Y-yes, sergeant.

[ mockingly ] yes, sergeant.

Our services are not required except for...

And exclusively for... The pulling of teeth.

Is that clear?

[ footsteps retreat ]

I just want to fight for my country, sergeant.

Your country does not need you.

But you've seen action, you know what it's like.

All I want is a posting, sergeant.

The army wants you to do what you're told.

I joined up to fight.

You joined up to follow orders like the rest of us.

It's what we do, private.

It's known as "doing our bit."

well, I don't want to spend the rest of my war

sat on my bum making dentures.

Get out.

[ soft music plays ]

congratulations.

[ indistinct conversations ]

king, heard the news? Mowat's got the posting.

[ laughter ]

congratulations.

Thank you, sergeant.

I'll have a whiskey.

Whiskey.

Sorry, sergeant. Mess rules. You're out of credit.

Then make it a double.

So...

They chose mowat.

It was your...

Age apparently, not your experience.

On me, sir. [ glass thuds ]

where are they sending him?

Egypt, I believe.

It's all very hush-hush, of course,

like everything else 'round here that's common knowledge.

Hmm.

My money was on you.

[ chuckles ]

looks like you're here for the duration.

[ glass thuds ]

good luck.

Cheers, mate.

Uh, why don't you stay and join us?

Why don't you piss off.

[ scoffs ] cheers!

Miserable bastard!

[ the ink spots' "maybe" plays ]

♪ maybe you'll think of me ♪

♪ when you are all alone ♪

w-what time is it?

Main gate. Five minutes. Full battle dress.

[ flanagan & allen's "we're gonna hang out the washing on the siegfried line" plays ]

♪ we're gonna... ♪ move.

♪ ...Hang out the washing on the siegfried line ♪

[ blows ]

here comes the kaiser.

♪ we're gonna hang out the washing on the siegfried line ♪

♪ ' cause the washing... ♪

poor little bugger.

♪ whether the weather may be wet or fine ♪

♪ we'll just rub along without a care ♪

♪ we're gonna hang out the washing... ♪

where are we going, sergeant?

Gun hill and back? The station.

The station? W--

♪ whether the weather may be wet or fine ♪

♪ we'll just rub along without a care ♪

♪ we're gonna hang out the washing on the siegfried line ♪

♪ if that siegfried line's still there ♪

halt.

[ panting ]

bring your knee up to your chest.

You got your pay book?

[ grunts ] yeah. Why?

Give it to me here.

[ grunts ]

here.

What are you doing?

Posting it.

Who to?

The prime minister.

Come on. We'll miss our train.

Where are we going, sergeant?

If the mountain won't come to mohammed...

Mohammed must go to the mountain.

What mountain?

Cornwall then France.

I've got dental anatomy in an hour.

Fair enough.

Tell the c.O. That your pay book is with winston churchill,

together with a letter

explaining you're on your way to invade France.

Invade France?

Engineer: All aboard.

By the by, private, just in case you were wondering,

you are absent without leave as from now.

[ whimpers ]

[ train whistle sounds ]

[ train whistle sounds ]

[ compartment door opens ]

[ compartment door closes ]

I hate dental anatomy.

King: Dear prime minister,

by the time you receive this letter

we shall, god willing, have landed safely

on the coast of occupied France.

From behind enemy lines, we will carry out

a land-based assault on the port of brest.

Our objective is to destroy the pocket battleships,

scharnhorst and gneisenau.

We are trained soldiers,

proud to be in the service of his majesty

and willing, if necessary, to lay down our lives

for our country.

As proof of identity and evidence of good faith,

we enclose our army pay books

and conclude with the army dental corps regimental motto,

"ex dentibus...Ensis."

"from the teeth comes strength."

we are your obedient servants,

sergeant peter king and private leslie cuthbertson.

Just one grenade in the right place is all it takes.

What's the right place?

Right in the belly of the ship.

Liners, destroyers -

they're all the same, oil-driven steam turbine.

One explosion, "bang!" the whole bloody lot goes up.

I'm just going for a jimmy riddle.

[ compartment door closes ]

[ compartment door opens ]

this is the queen mary, sergeant.

Corporal: Pass and travel warrant, please, private.

Oh, um...

Got a problem have we, private?

No, corporal.

King: Is this what you're after, corporal?

Private cuthbertson.

Sergeant king.

Where are you off to, then, gents?

Plymouth.

Weekend leave is it? Yes.

A sergeant and a private traveling together --

it's a bit unusual, isn't it?

Is it, corporal?

Cuthbertson: H-he's my uncle.

Yeah, uh, w-we're staying with my aunt...

His wife...

...L-linda.

Have a nice trip.

From now on, you leave the talking to me,

all right?

But he believed it.

That's not the point.

Would either of you gentlemen be interested

in a pair of silk stockings?

That'll be one and four.

Thank you.

I've thrown one in for good measure.

Thanks very much.

That's all right. Goodbye.

What are those?

Supplies.

We don't know when we're going to eat next, do we?

And it's abroad.

Do you want one now?

No. And stop waving those stockings about.

How long do you reckon we're going to be?

Once we get a boat, four days.

What if the letter doesn't get to mr. Churchill?

I mean, I sent a birthday card to my sister in durham

and it took six weeks.

She ain't half a fibber.

King: Bugger!

[ chick henderson & joe loss' "my prayer" plays ]

they're not the only german battleships

no. We'll find other ones.

Saint-nazaire.

What?

South of brest.

Full of u-boats.

U-boats, yeah, even better.

Are you sure you don't want one of these?

No.

Look, we don't want to do anything

to draw attention to ourselves.

Right.

Sorry.

So put those in the bag.

[ groans ]

I can't. They're full of uh -

[whispers] something else.

Give them here then.

♪ when the twilight is gone ♪

♪ and no songbird is singing ♪

♪ when the twilight is gone ♪

♪ you come into my heart ♪

♪ and here in my heart you will stay ♪

♪ while I pray ♪

drill sergeant: Turn. Left, right, left, right...

Man: Has anyone got any ideas

because I'm running out of patience here.

I will not have deserters in my regiment.

We don't actually know they are deserters.

Don't interrupt me, major.

I want these men found and punished.

I absolutely will not have this kind of behavior

in a time of war.

I want you to find them and throw the book at them.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, sir. Sir.

Bloody side show.

♪ my prayer is to linger with you ♪

♪ at the end of the day... ♪

cuthbertson: What if we're caught?

We're in uniform. We'll be prisoners of war.

Not by the germans, by the english.

They'll already be looking for us, won't they?

Can I help?

We're fine, thanks, just looking for the harbor.

Follow me, I'll show you.

[ engine turns over ]

that's a bit of luck.

Do you want a hand?

Thanks.

Not much here.

What with rationing,

we're lucky to get anything at all.

♪ may they still be the same ♪

♪ for as long as we live ♪

♪ that you'll always be there... ♪

on holiday are you?

Uh...Sort of.

Where are you from?

Uh...

I'm afraid I'm not allowed to say.

I meant where do you live?

Oh, london.

It must be horrible with all those bombs.

Yeah, you're, uh, better off staying down here.

Two of our boys were killed by mines last week.

Oh.

Your friend doesn't look very happy.

No, well, he's a sergeant.

So?

They have their sense of humor removed at birth.

[ chuckles ]

[ chuckles ]

so where are you staying?

Oh, don't know. We haven't decided yet.

The pub's got rooms. You should stay there.

Oh, right.

Thanks very much.

That's all right.

Bye.

Bye.

Uh, which boat then, sergeant?

We need to get closer.

[ seagulls squawk ]

any of those will do.

We'll wait till it's dark and then requisition one.

I've spoken to mum. She says it's fine.

To anyone else we're booked up,

but I won't have our brave boys going short.

I've got a very nice double with a sea view.

If you'd like to step inside.

It's very kind of you. Don't you mention it, colonel.

Shall I take this in for you?

What you got in here, then, the family silver?

Now...

The hot water is on between 6:00 and 7:00.

When you've finished, let me know

and I can use it for the turnips.

It's not a problem.

No.

It's almost dark.

Give it ten more minutes.

[ knocking on door ]

I brought you some towels.

When you're ready,

mum says she's kept back a couple of nice pilchards.

All right?

T-thanks a lot.

Towels.

By the jetty,

with the what's-it's-name sticking up.

Er, mast. Got it.

I'll check the fuel.

Look for the crank handle.

I've got it.

Tank sounds full to me.

[ engine turns over ]

are we completely cast off?

We are, sergeant.

[ engine rumbles ]

[ engine sputters ]

is there a brake or something?

The bloody tide's going out.

You'll have to get off and shove.

[ engine rumbles ]

I'm afraid you're gonna have to get in too, sergeant.

Where was he last seen? 0500 hours, sir.

Leaving the barracks with private cuthbertson, sir,

heading in the direction of the railway station.

The station master thinks

they might have taken the train to plymouth, sir.

Hmm...

Plymouth.

Tell me, regimental sergeant, what kind of spirits was he in?

Fine and dandy, sir. First class soldier, sir.

Yes, yes, quite. And off the record?

Barking mad, sir.

It's not a problem.

No.

We'll wait until the tide's back in

and we'll give it another go.

It's a good thing we got the room, sergeant.

[ knocking on door ]

mum says, "how do you like your pilchards?

[ laughs ]

man on radio: We've been getting a lot of letters

from listeners who advise cooking with steamers.

Ross: Two pints of stout, brenda.

Be with you in a minute, ross.

More potatoes, private?

I'm fine thanks, mrs. Fraser.

Are you sure the colonel doesn't want something on a tray?

He, uh, he says he's not hungry.

[ indistinct conversation in distance ]

better?

Much.

You smell like a damp dog.

I'm sorry about that. I fell in the harbor.

It's all right. I like dogs.

What were you doing in the harbor?

I'm afraid I'm not allowed to tell you that.

You could be anyone. You could be a spy.

That's right. I could.

And walls have ears, don't they?

[ silverware clatters ]

that's right. They do.

[ glass thuds ]

is it very... Dangerous, what you do?

Oh, yes, very.

And are you going somewhere dangerous now?

Yeah. Yeah.

You will be careful, won't you, leslie?

Of course I will, emma.

I'll be fine.

Man on radio: British commandos have seriously damaged

the submarine pens and dry docks.

It will be months before saint-nazaire

is operational again.

Did he say saint-nazaire?

I don't care. I'm not interested.

It's not my fault.

It'll be high tide soon.

Get out of here, get a boat, and go.

But where to now, sergeant?

France.

We'll sleep during the day and travel by night.

The whole place will be crawling with men and machinery.

Move!

There's a war on or had you forgotten?

[ muttering ] travel by night...

Crawling with men and machinery.

Leslie!

What are doing?

Oh, for christ's sake, get her sorted out.

What are you doing?

What are you doing? You can't do that.

Emma, it's a secret and very dangerous mission.

You can't tell anyone we're here, all right?

I'll have to tell erin. It's his boat.

No, you don't. We told him already.

King: Cuthbertson!

I've got to go.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Take care of yourself, leslie.

Morning, ladies.

All: Morning, arthur.

Woman: How's the allotment?

Potatoes are coming on well.

Might have a cabbage by christmas.

[ all chuckle ]

and how are the lovely garden room girls this morning?

All: Morning, major.

Morning, arthur. Morning, sir.

What has our prime minister received today

from the great unwashed?

Nothing for the pm's eyes yet, major merton.

Anything good in the potty pile, daphne?

Eight death threats,

three requests to open air raid shelters,

seven and six in postal orders and...

...A cigar. Ah!

Probably poisoned.

God bless the lunatics.

Do you know that without them,

this war could be really quite serious.

[ cigar clanks ]

[ seagulls squawk ]

cuthbertson: Were you ever married, sergeant?

What would I want to do that for?

Did you ever ask anyone?

Why do you want to know?

I'm only interested.

Sorry.

Gladys.

Nurse gladys potter.

Stitched up my leg.

Field hospital, passchendaele.

Tucked me in every night, plumped up my pillow.

I asked her. Really?

Really.

Do you want a bun?

They're a bit stale.

No, thank you.

So what did she say then, this gladys?

She said she spent too much of her life trying to mend people,

to be spending the rest of it

with someone who smashed them up for a living!

That wasn't very nice of her.

Eh, she did me a favor.

[ telephone rings in distance ]

morning, faith.

[ typewriter keys clack ]

is he in?

He hasn't left, major.

It's chucking it down outside.

Outside...

Remind me again, where is that exactly?

What is this doing here? This ought to be upstairs.

Give it to me.

He's been on one of his wanderings again.

Churchill: And don't come back until you have something.

It's not been a good morning.

Rommel advancing, tobruk falling,

roosevelt telling him how to run the war,

and it's not even 10:00.

Merton, get in here.

Faith, you look terrible, get some sleep.

I can't see a sodding thing.

Shh.

Keep looking.

Do they always shoot deserters?

We're not deserters.

We know that, but do they, sergeant?

Do you think he's got it yet?

Has who got what?

Has the prime minister got the letter?

Of course he has.

[ boat engine sputters, dies ]

huh, oh!

Serg, I-I wasn't asleep.

Shh.

Listen.

[ rumbling ]

what's that?

What was that?

[ rumbling intensifies ]

aah!

Woman: I'm so bored of powdered egg, aren't you?

It gives me the most frightful dreams.

Yes, but we all have to do our bit.

Any word from ken?

Still on convoys, as far as I know.

You know what they say, "no news is good news."

these are soldiers' pay books, aren't they?

How much further do you think?

Two or three hours -- got to be.

[ sighs ]

bloody hell!

Take the controls.

Keep your head down.

[ both panting ]

we need to find a landmark.

[ indistinct conversation in distance ]

what the hell's that?

Oh, it's just some women.

[ chuckles ]

they're going on about some recipe.

What did you say?

Down there somewhere, sir,

some women are going on about a recipe, sir.

[ chuckles ]

what?

Speak french, do you?

No, they're speaking english.

[ exhales slowly ]

bugger!

Welcome home, private.

How could that happen?

We would have known, wouldn't we?

We'd have known if we were going 'round in circles.

At least mohammed found the right sodding mountain!

[ sighs ]

well, at least we tried, sergeant.

Most people would have packed it in at cornwall.

This is cornwall! This is bleedin' cornwall!

We'll be a laughing stock of the regiment.

We can explain, can't we?

[ chuckles ]

explain all right, we'll have to.

Bloody court martial.

I don't mind dying, cuthbertson...

But I won't be humiliated.

What a complete bloody fiasco.

B-but we've still got the boat.

I don't mind giving it another go.

Do you want to give it another go?

[ plane engine roars ]

woman on radio: Then, there's half a leek, one teaspoon...

Have you got that?

Half a leek, one teaspoon of mixed herbs,

and a teaspoonful of salt, and then there's two ounces...

Psssst!

Psssst!

Ah!

Sergeant?

Was that you, sergeant?

What are you doing?

What are you --

there's a german!

There's a german!

There's a sodding german!

[ flanagan & allen's "run, rabbit" plays ]

♪ run, rabbit, run, run, run, run ♪

♪ run, rabbit, run, rabbit, run, run, run ♪

shall we go back and kill him?

What for? Well, he's a german.

I haven't come all this way to shoot a kraut who likes cooking!

He's probably gone by now anyway.

At least we're here, that's the main thing.

Open wide, adolf!

The dentists are coming!

King: Cuthbertson!

Sorry, sergeant.

♪ so, run, rabbit, run, run, run ♪

cuthbertson: You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

King: If you must know...

It's cold, wet with more rats than you can shake a stick at.

Blimey.

For 28 days you were bored out of your senses,

and then on the 29th -- boof!

The sky lit up, you got your head down,

ran like the clappers and hoped

some other poor bastard got it, not you.

Now, go to sleep.

D-didn't you save the life of a general or something?

Oh, yes...

General sir william hyde. I was his driver.

What happened?

Nothing.

Go to sleep.

My dad was in the trenches...

...At amiens.

He was one of the lucky ones -- he came home in one piece.

[ sighs ]

what are you doing?

Tapping.

Sorry.

It's a habit when I'm nervous.

Well, stop it.

Did he...

...Say much, your dad, about the trenches?

My dad?

Yeah.

I thought you wanted to go to sleep?

I do...

But I'd rather you talked than tapped.

Not much.

He was killed by a tram when I was three,

so I never really knew him.

He was just a face at my bedroom door.

My mum always showed me pictures,

and I think about him sometimes.

He tells me off in my head.

Not always, though.

Sometimes I make him laugh.

Can I ask you something?

What now?

Why did you choose me?

Who else would be daft enough to carry the ruddy grenades?

[ chuckles ]

he'd like this.

It would make him smile.

Can you reach it?

I would if you stood still.

Here.

Here.

You do it. It was your idea.

Really?

Thanks.

Bloody hell!

How many of those buns did you eat?

How many shall I cut?

Cut them all.

Gold side. Keep your voice down.

It's a lot harder than you think.

Ooh, did you see that?

You could have your eye out with one of those.

I've got a good idea.

We'll make a list of all the things we do

and then we can hand it in at the end as proof.

We could even tot up the damage.

How much do you reckon these lines are worth?

Five quid each?

Well, that's one, two, three...

Well, that's -- that's 25 quid, the lot.

Depends what's on the other end.

Ah. That's a point. Four down.

So, supposing these go to, like, the hospital

or the resistance, even?

Just suppose you get on with it.

Still, 25 quid is 25 quid, isn't it?

Well, it's not actually, it's only 20.

What do you mean?

I left one.

What for?

In case of emergencies.

How much does cement cost?

What?

Well, I-if we were gonna blow up a gun emplacement...

I was trying to work out how much it's worth.

What for?

Well...

We put the damages on the left-hand column

and what we think it's worth in the right.

So, what are you, a bloody accountant now?

No, listen.

I had a mate who bought a riley roadster

before the war, right?

Now he was out there every Sunday polishing it,

but the birds kept crapping all over the bonnet.

So, what he did was, he bought a garage.

Only problem is,

he reckons the garage cost more than the car.

Has this got a point, private?

Yeah, yeah, the point is,

I reckon that two garages costs the same as one gun emplacement.

Sergeant?

Or to put it another way, one gun emplacement

costs the same as three riley roadsters.

You've got a head like a toy box, cuthbertson.

[ cows moo in distance ]

when we gonna eat, sergeant?

Hello?

Hello?

Hang on, sir.

Africa, that's where we stand or fall.

I've got him, prime minister. He's on the line now.

About time. Put him through.

I want answers yesterday, merton.

Lose africa and we lose the med.

Hello?

No one here, faith.

One moment, prime minister.

We lose the med, then mortar's down the drain.

He's on line three, prime minister.

Hello, monty. How are you, old cocker?

Jolly good.

Now tell me something, general...

What do your knees look like in shorts?

Cuthbertson: "sleep during the day, travel by night," you said.

That's all right.

So far, it hasn't been necessary.

"crawling with men and machinery," you said.

Thanks, private.

All we need do is find a road or a signpost.

To where?

There's nothing to do.

It's fine. It's not a problem.

There will be plenty to do when we get there.

Cuthbertson: Get where?

There's no one around, the whole place is shut.

Hello?

Anyone?

We're here!

We've invaded!

Shut up!

I'm starving.

I'm sergeant king, how do you do?

Well, maybe we could get something to eat or something.

Maybe we could steal a car, sergeant.

Oh, yes. Good idea.

Which one of the many fine vehicles you see before you

would you care to requisition?

First rule of survival behind enemy lines, private --

live off the land.

[ gun cocks ]

oh, I'm sorry.

Oh... [ chuckles nervously]

I-I'm english.

I'm...

E-english?

Bloody hell.

I-I'm really sorry, ma'am.

I'm just so hungry.

I-I'll put it back. Look, see?

Woman: [ speaking french ]

wrap it?

Er, do you -- do you want me to wrap it?

Can I go now?

[ chuckles ]

thank you.

Thanks very much.

[ speaking french ]

vivement la libération!

I was only getting some food.

I don't know what the problem is.

I did what you asked.

You said get some food, and I did.

Anyone could have been in the house.

[ stutters ]

the whole bloody third reich could have been in the house.

We should be so lucky.

What?

Nothing. Can we eat the pie now?

Don't you get lippy with me.

Don't you get lippy with me, son!

I'll knock the living daylights out of you.

Said, "can we eat the pie now?"

you've jeopardized every step of this operation.

You've been like a-a kid on a school outing,

buying buns, waving stockings about,

cozying up to your little cornish pasty!

Then when I send you off on a simple task

to get us some food, what do I find?

You canoodling up to some french tart,

practically slipping her one on the kitchen table!

Piss off.

Huh?

I said, "piss off!" don't tell me to piss off.

No!

Everything you've asked, I've done.

Every order you've given, I've followed.

Where has it got us? Nowhere.

Now, I'm a deserter.

I-I've nearly been drowned.

I'm tired. I'm hungry.

And whether you like it or not, I'm gonna eat this pie.

I can't believe you've done that.

No, I take that back.

I can believe it.

Look at you.

You know why everybody calls you the kaiser?

'cause you're a jumped-up, washed-up,

over-the-hill has-been.

Finished? No!

You know what?

Back home, you command about as much respect

as a fly on dog shit! You ungrateful, smart-assed little turd!

I gave you a chance.

Nobody else would be stupid enough

to put a gun in your hand, but I did.

I thought you had guts and a head on your shoulders,

but you know what?

The only thing you're good at is whingeing.

It's a good thing your dad died when he did,

so he never saw the whining, skirt-chasing tosspot

that his son had become.

Can you -- can you see anything?

Cuthbertson: Nothing.

A sign or something?

No.

[ sighs ]

we've got to find out where we are.

I'll see what I can find.

I didn't mean...

What I said about your dad.

I'll stand guard, then.

And sergeant...

They -- they don't all call you the kaiser.

Yes. You stand guard.

Yes, sergeant.

Yes, sergeant.

[ alarm buzzing ]

[ gun cocks ]

[ body thuds ]

I-I'm sorry, sergeant.

I missed him. He just got past me.

It's a train.

[ train whistle sounds, brakes squeal ]

it's stopping. It's waiting for the signal.

Well, which one is it?

Must be one of these.

[ indistinct shouting ]

it's full of bloody germans!

[ speaking german ]

[ speaking german ]

[ buzzing continues ]

[ speaking german ]

[ grunts ]

[ train whistle sounds ]

[ indistinct conversation ]

they're on their way up!

Uh, oh, wait -- there's got to be a lock.

[ speaking german ]

now try.

[ grunts ]

bloody hell. Bloody hell.

Danke.

Supplies.

What shall we do with him?

He'll tell someone he's seen us.

[ bottle thuds ]

drunk in charge of a signal box.

They won't believe a word he says.

[ rhythmic buzzing ]

[ constant buzz ]

mind the string.

How much do you reckon a railway line's worth?

About 70 quid?

More.

80.

Put that away.

Ready?

[ rumbling ]

what was that?

What's wrong?

I think I heard something.

[ indistinct shouting ]

nah, it was nothing.

Bloody hell!

Gordon bennett!

I think I've gone deaf.

Have you gone deaf?

Looks buckled to me.

Does it look buckled to you?

Yeah, definitely.

[ sighs ]

loose as old knickers, that is.

I wouldn't fancy traveling on it.

One grenade in the right place.

[ chuckles ]

just like you said. Come on.

[ flanagan & allen's "we're gonna hang out the washing on the siegfried line" plays ]

♪ whether the weather may be wet or fine ♪

♪ we'll just rub along without a care ♪

♪ we're gonna to hang out the washing on the siegfried line ♪

♪ if that siegfried line's still there ♪

[ panting ] let's find out where we are.

You've got the matches.

[ sniffs ]

ugh! Is that cheese off?

Nah, it's french.

[ sniffs ]

do you want some?

No, I want you to strike a match so I can see what I'm doing.

Closer.

That's better.

Now, then, there's the railway line so we're...

[ plane engine roars ]

...Lancasters.

Lucky buggers.

Hold it still.

Sitting down to bacon and eggs in half an hour.

Hold it still. You and your belly.

[ gasps ]

[ siren blares ]

[ telephone rings in distance ]

[ papers rustle ]

[ pen scratching, paper rustling ]

oh, you're still here?

So are you.

[ door closes ]

we're all still here.

Faith, you look terrible. Is he still here?

No.

He's at a meeting with the joint chiefs --

a chance to make a break for it.

Oh, good luck.

Thanks.

A little more light reading for you, major.

Oh, sorry about the cigar ash.

He was on one of his nocturnals again.

[ sighs ] now, this belongs up here, I think.

I don't know how we're supposed to run a war

when the prime minister keeps interfering.

[ door crashes ] churchill: Nobody listens!

Why won't the buggers listen?

Faith. [ door slams ]

oh, bad luck, faith. 10 feet short of the wire.

[ man yelling in german ]

cuthbertson: They look like teacups.

King: Bloody big teacups.

What do you think?

Nah. Too risky.

What's that fly swat thing?

Fly swat?

Looks like an aerial

or some sort of listening device.

That must be worth a fortune.

Come on.

We wouldn't make it to the fence.

Move.

Well, it's just over there.

You can see for yourself.

It's crawling with bleedin' germans.

Well, of course it's crawling with germans.

That's why we came.

I don't believe this.

You were gonna blow up the scharnhorst

with one grenade.

Destroy saint-nazaire singlehanded.

Now we find one piddly observation post,

and you say it's too risky!

Keep your voice down!

One hand grenade, you said.

W-we've got a bag of the bastards.

Well, if you won't, I will.

You wouldn't last five minutes.

I'll be out in four then.

[ dog barking in distance ]

[ birds chirping ]

[ birds squawking ]

king: Once it's dark and I'm inside,

I'll attach some grenades to the fly swat,

move straight to the ops room

with the remainder of the grenades,

then up it goes.

Just a minute. Where am I?

You're that pebble there. What pebble?

By the fence, where we cut through the wire.

Well, what am I doing there?

Standing guard.

I don't want to stand guard!

I didn't come all the way here to stand guard.

I can stand guard back in aldershot.

Cuthbertson, I'm giving you an order.

Well, I'm disobeying it.

I'm younger and I'm faster

and I want to blow up the fly swat.

You can't! Why not?

Because whoever goes in there is gonna die!

Then what's the point in standing guard?

Here. Take the grenades.

Blow your ass off.

You and your pissy medal.

It's got nothing to do with my medal.

You can't stop being a hero, can you?

I wasn't a hero.

Don't give me all that tosh.

It's not tosh.

I changed a tire, cuthbertson.

That's all I did.

What? I don't understand.

[ sighs ] the general was in the backseat.

I didn't know where we were.

A bombardment went up.

A piece of shrapnel caught the front tire,

and we got a puncture.

And?

And general sir william hyde told me to get out

and change it, which I did very quickly.

A shell exploded to the right of us,

the jack slipped, the car fell on my foot.

I drove some 10 miles with a smashed heel.

So you were decorated for changing a tire?

Yes, I know, r.A.C. Patrolmen do it every day.

Can we now get on with the weapons check?

Uh...

Two revolvers...

And 20 rounds.

Grenades?

Five in the bag and five in the nylons.

So, when was it till you saw action again?

I didn't.

I was invalidated out, and I joined the medical corps.

So you haven't done anything like this before, have you?

No.

[ sighs ] well, I hate to say this, sergeant...

But I wish you hadn't told me that.

It's fine. It's not a problem.

Four for the fly swat and the rest for the ops room

and no one stands guard.

Agreed?

Ahh. Agreed.

Hope you've got a handbag to go with them stockings.

[ chuckles ]

you all right?

Yeah.

Through you go.

[ dog barking in distance ]

[ men conversing in german ]

wait!

Cuthbertson.

Mirror.

[ laughter ]

right.

[ sniffs ]

I can smell beef...

And onions.

Now.

[ dog growls, barks ]

man: Kaiser, komm her.

Komm her, du bloder koter. Komm her!

[ whimpering ]

was denkst du, was du da machst, hm?

Komm her.

Dummer hund.

Komm!

Bei fuss.

[ muttering in german ]

when you're ready, blow the bastard.

I'll be in position. Good luck.

[ dog barking ]

[ conversing in german ]

[ conversing in german ]

bugger!

[ alarm ringing ]

[ yelling in german ]

[ gunfire ]

bugger!

[ ringing and yelling continue ]

[ gunfire continues ]

[ triumphant music plays ]

[ electricity crackles ]

[ yelling in german ]

german soldier: Halt!

[ yells in german ]

[ gunfire ]

[ yelling echoing ]

[ alarm blaring ]

cuthbertson: Pack it in!

Sergeant mohammed, it's private mountain.

What kept you?!

[ triumphant music plays ]

[ yelling in german ]

we did quite a good job of that.

Keep your eyes on the road.

You driven one of these before?

It's not a problem.

[ small explosions ]

we couldn't have done all that, could we?

Let's get the hell out of here!

[ knock on door ]

leslie!

Sorry to trouble you.

I'm looking for a miss emma fraser.

Now, africa is the absolute priority.

[ telephone ringing ]

now -- what the hell did I do with that thing?

I-I want to know everything that is going on out there.

When I say everything, I mean everything.

I don't want a camel to so much as break wind

without it ending up on my desk.

Oh, here it is.

No, it isn't.

What the hell is this?

Not funny.

Now, I don't want another shambles

like singapore, gentlemen.

[ engine sputtering ]

hold up.

We're out of petrol.

Cop hold of that oar, cuthbertson.

The oar?

We're not gonna row, are we?!

No, we're gonna knit a jumper.

It'll give you an appetite.

One, two, three.

He's depressed.

He won't get out of his cot.

Have you tried clemmie?

She's at dinner with the archbishop of canterbury, doctor.

He's an old man. He needs a holiday.

Failing that, a victory. Anything.

Something to lift his spirits. Good luck.

Whose turn is it? Yours.

I sat with him for an hour last night reading --

kipling.

Why don't you go home, faith?

Yes, I know...

I look terrible.

[ sighs ]

[ clears throat ]

[ sighs ]

I promised the king victory, merton.

Gave my word to the country.

I don't know if I can do it.

Well, would you like a whiskey, sir?

No, merton, I don't want a whiskey.

I want a wander.

I don't know if this rabbit is going to come out of the hat.

King: Cuthbertson...

We've got company.

Come on.

It's bloody following us!

Throw something!

I bet it's one of ours.

It can't be one of ours!

That's not fair.

Not after what we've done!

That's not fair!

Come on! Blow, you sod!

Wie heissen sie?

7-5...

3-6...

3-9-4.

Sergeant king.

Was tun sie hier?

I don't speak german.

Was tun sie hier?

Sergeant king.

7-5...

3-6...

3-9-4.

1-0-5-1-1-4-3-6.

Private cuthbertson.

We're dentists.

[ sighs ]

[ sighs deeply ]

have we got the girl?

She's on her way. Good.

Is there any tea in this pot?

Stewed, I'm afraid.

Right.

Yes, that's leslie.

Are you sure?

Positive. Where were they?

Reconnaissance spotted them in the channel.

Floating on some wood.

That was lucky.

That rather depends on how you look at it, doesn't it?

I mean, we don't take too kindly to spies.

Spies?

Yes. Or deserters.

Don't worry. We'll find out soon enough.

Out!

Prisoner escort.

Short! Quick!

March!

Emma: No, he said that

he had to do something dangerous.

But he couldn't talk about it, you see,

on account of it being secret

and that I might be a spy.

So the point is, I know they're not spies

because they borrowed a boat

and said they were going somewhere,

which must have been France which is where the war is,

so they can't be deserters either, can they?

Sorry. Do I sound a bit muddled?

Not at all. Thank you, miss fraser.

You may sit down.

Well, gentlemen...

Let me tell you,

I've presided over many court-martial in my time,

too many if I'm honest. Not a task I relish.

But never before have I been asked

to listen to such appalling drivel.

You're deserters.

You know it, I know it, everyone in this room knows it.

You ran away for a coward's chance on easy street

and when your boat sank on the way to ireland,

you invented this fairy tale to save yourselves.

You know what sticks in my throat more than anything else

is that even after you failed to produce

one shred of evidence in your defense,

you still persist in this ridiculous

"boy's own" adventure of some personal invasion of France.

You, private cuthbertson, have brought shame

on the uniform worn so bravely by so many.

You, sergeant king, you're beyond contempt, frankly.

Not only have you duped an impressionable...

[ door opens ]

begging the court's pardon, sir.

Who is this? What does he want?

I'm so sorry, colonel, but, uh...

If I might crave the court's indulgence

for a few moments?

Who are you?

I'd like to interview the prisoners.

What?

I'm major desmond merton.

Chief intelligence advisor to mr. Churchill.

Now, I have here...

A ground plan...

Of some buildings.

Colonel: Major, these are official proceedings.

Now, these buildings that you see here, gentlemen...

Do you know what they are?

Yes, sir. It's a listening post, sir.

A cap de la hague, sir.

Interesting. How do you know that?

It says so at the top, sir.

Does it?

Oh, so it does.

Colonel: Major...

One moment, please, colonel.

Now, would you say you are familiar with these buildings?

Yes, sir. I think so, sir, yes.

Good. What can you tell me about them?

Well, that's the fly-swat thing, sir.

The -- the what?

The signal-receiver thing, sir.

It appeared to the uninitiated eye

to be a giant implement for the swatting of flies.

I see. What about these chaps here?

They're the two teacup things, sir.

That is to say, they had the general appearance

of teacups placed on their side, sir.

They were outside the perimeter,

so we left them alone.

Excellent. Right.

Now, what exactly was it that you say you did?

Blew up the ops room, sir, with grenades.

Colonel: Major... [ bangs gavel ]

these men are disgraced.

They're guilty of theft, deceit, and desertion.

You're not suggesting

there's any substance to their story, are you?

I'm not suggesting anything, colonel.

I'm merely trying to ascertain the facts.

Now, this operations room.

Did anything strike you as unusual about it?

No, nothing, sir.

Apart from the smell.

The smell.

The smell? What smell?

Uh, beef and onions, sir.

Beef and onions?

Burned beef and onions.

Colonel: Major, I really must insist...

Burned beef and onions! Ah!

Thank you, colonel. I've heard all I need to hear.

Well, thank god for that.

And in your opinion, major, are they telling the truth?

No, sir. They are not.

They didn't destroy the operations room at all.

They destroyed the cookhouse.

[ laughter ]

[ bangs gavel ]

colonel: I'm sorry. I'm not putting up with this.

You can wave what letters you like, major,

but unless you can substantiate that claim,

I intend to pass sentence.

Oh, I'm sure that I can, colonel.

How? [ chuckles ]

you're not gonna tell me you were there, are you?

[ chuckles ]

not personally, no, sir,

but the 2nd parachute regiment were.

The paras were there? Be quiet!

119 of them to be exact.

There were after those two teacup things,

which you were good enough not to blow up.

Their task was to break bits off and bring them home

for our boffins to play about with,

which they did.

There were reports of an unexpected

and very useful diversion.

But until now, no one has been able to confirm it.

Initially, we put it down to the french,

but it just didn't tally.

Anyway, there we are.

Well done, gents.

And thank you, colonel,

for allowing me to clear up that little puzzle.

Oh, yes, and I nearly forgot.

Message from the prime minister.

He thanks you very much for your letter.

It cheered him up no end.

He apologizes for the delay in replying,

but he has had rather a lot on.

However, next time you're in whitehall,

he would be delighted to see you for a cup of tea.

That is tea for king and cuthbertson, sir, not...

Well...

Oh, yes...

And, uh, here are your pay books back...

Which he has signed.

He didn't want you to go short.

As he said to me...

A few more lunatics like those dentists, merton,

and I can win this war by christmas.

[ chuckling ]

cookhouse. The bloody cookhouse.

Man: Well done, lads!

[ all cheering ]

I'll see you in 28 days, sergeant.

I'll be here, private.

[ slow big-band music plays ]