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- Good evening, Mr. Barrett. - Good evening, Tom.

Good evening, Bob. Well, hello, Mr. Barrett.

How's your throat tonight?

- Thirsty. - No, no, no.

I mean for singing.

You know, the papers say

there's an awful lot of sore throats going around.

I guess maybe my throat can't read.

Anyway, I was never in better voice.

- Ah, that's swell. - I'm sorry, Bob.

Oh! Sprain your ankle, Mr. Barrett?

Listen, my fine-feathered understudy,

you may as well know the facts.

I'm in perfect voice.

Nobody suddenly got ill, so I don't have to leave town.

I'm not apt to get ptomaine poisoning and...

Hello, Marshall.

Bob here is having a bad case of understudy jitters.

He's worrying about my health.

Is Blake in? Yeah, he's in his office.

I know how you feel, Bob.

I had four years of it myself.

Funny, isn't it, how they only get sick on Sundays?

That fella hasn't missed a performance in over a year.

I don't think I'll ever get a chance to play the part now.

Especially if the immigration department

decides I have to leave the country tonight.

If I do have to leave,

I'll bet Mr. Barrett gets sick tomorrow night.

Well, what's happening, Bob?

Are they granting you another stay?

No, I don't think there's much chance, myself.

Mr. Blake has the immigration man in his office now.

What's the verdict?

The immigration department has refused another stay.

Poor fellow. He'll have to leave the country by midnight.

Gee, that's too bad.

I wish I didn't have to give him the bad news.

Let me do it

I think I can make it sound not quite so bad.

All right.

What's the matter, Mr. Barrett?

I seem to have caught a cold.

A cold?

Yeah, it came on me all of a sudden.

Yeah, you better get to a doctor.

Here's your chance, Bob. You're playing the part tonight.

Well, thanks very much, Mr. Barrett.

I mean, I'm sorry about your throat.

Well, now, don't you worry, Mr. Blake.

I'm not a bit nervous. I won't blow up.

I'm as cool as a cucumber.

I know you are, Bob.

There's something else I want to talk to you about.

Oh, Mr. Miller.

Tom, I finally made it. I'm playing the lead tonight.

That's fine

- Bob? - Yes, Mr. Blake.

This is Mr. Miller of the immigration department.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

I'm sorry, he says you'll have to

leave the country tonight. Tonight?

Well, I can't leave tonight.

I've gotta sing the leading role.

But you'll have until midnight.

He can make the boat if he leaves after the finale.

Would that be all right?

It's all right with me. Just as long as he leaves tonight.

- Thank you. - Oh, thanks very much,

Mr. Miller. - I'll meet you

at pier seven at midnight, with your reservation.

Oh, that's swell.

Now, excuse me, I've gotta change my clothes.

J hearts in the sky j

j dreams riding high j

j so we go marching up the road to him j

j love's got them blue j

j love's tried and true j

j marching with hearts in the sky j

I there is no other love j

j to take the place of your love j

j here in my heart of hearts j

j I know this will endure, love j

j I want no other love j

j I'll know no other love j

j no other dream, but you j

j I'm in no dream, but you j

j you are my guiding star j

j my only world is where you are j

j and oh, the ectasy j

I that we will know j

j I'll hold you close j

j and never see you go j

I no other arms around me j

j no other lips have found me j

j I love you j

j I love you, so j

J no other love j j my love j

j my love j

Come on, Bob, you can't waste a minute.

Come on, you were great.

- So long. - So long.

Bye.

Come on, Bob, you haven't time to dress.

I sent your clothes to the boat.

Oh, well, will you take care of these?

- Sure, I will. - I'll send the uniform

back from the boat. - All right.

Congratulations, Bob.

Mr. Barrett, I thought you were sick.

I recovered in a hurry.

Oh, thanks, it was swell of you.

Come on, Bob, we haven't got time.

- Good luck to you. - So long. Goodbye.

- Buh-bye. - So long.

So long, Bob, and keep your chin up.

Goodbye, Mr. Blake.

Pier seven, three star line, and don't waste any time.

Bye!

- Are you hurt? - No.

Here, general, catch.

Hey, I had the right of way.

Listen, general, there's 8 million people in New York,

counting Brooklyn and queens.

Why pick on me to run into?

Pick up these bags and come along.

- I ought to poke you one. - Don't talk like that to me.

I'm sensitive. I'm easily hurt.

I ought to poke you one, that's what.

Oh, come on, boys, break it up.

You can fight it out some night in the garden.

I've got a wedding to get to.

Uh, toss the bags in there.

You can catch another cab, general.

Oh, but I can't do that. I'm in an awful hurry.

Not half as big a hurry as I am.

I'm on my way to be married. Yes, but I've got

now, don't tell me the age of chivalry is dead.

You wouldn't want me to miss my own wedding.

Be a good fellow, and wait for another cab.

Pier seven. Three star line. Pier seven? Me too

you catching the boat?

Well, how do you like that?

And I looked all over town for a wide-brimmed hat

so I could look coy for my wedding.

Say, don't go around looking at women like that.

They'll marry you by the dozen.

You'll go to jail for bigamy.

Oh, I don't go around looking at girls.

I mean, not like that.

That is, I don't- well, this is a new line.

The bashful boy routine.

What's your name, general?

- Robert Gregory. - I'm Patricia O'Malley.

But if I catch this boat,

it's going to be changed to Patricia gardner.

Step on it or little patsy's gonna be an old maid.

But suppose you do miss the boat?

This Mr. gardner loves you, he'll wait.

But a girl's an awful sucker to leave a $6 million fiance

loose on a boat with a lot of women

well, what has he got that anyone else hasn't got?

Does everyone else own a string of newspapers?

You don't mean Charles gardner, the millionaire publisher?

- Uh-huh. - Say, he's got lots of money.

Most millionaires have

if you don't mind me saying so,

you don't sound very much in love with him.

I do mind

well, then, I won't say it.

But why are you marrying him?

Because, well, he's the nicest man I know.

And the richest?

Well, that's something to be considered

when you've been living in a furnished room all your life.

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

Sure, I know, you're one of those guys

that thinks a girl's not supposed to like nice things

and security and all that.

Well all I've got to tell you is you've got a lot of nerve.

A total stranger butting in

and telling me I'm a gold digger.

I didn't... you looked it

oh, even if you didn't say it.

And let me tell you something, Mr. butter in,

my sister married for love.

Six kids, four rooms and a washing machine.

- Goodbye, sis. - Goodbye.

- Griggs? - Yes, Mr. gardner?

In the future, if miss O'Malley calls, I'm not in.

Very good, sir.

Change your mind about sailing, Mr. gardner?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

Come, griggs. - Very good, sir.

Griggs, would you say that I've been jilted?

Well, hardly, sir.

Then you're a liar, griggs.

I have been jilted, cold and definitely.

Well, one might interpret it that way, sir.

Griggs, what do you think of women?

Well, all I know is what I see in the movies, sir.

You know, oomph and all that sort of thing.

Ah. Then listen carefully.

All women are perfidious.

As proof, witness the heartrending

and romantic disappointment of your master,

Charles Spencer gardner ill.

Griggs, my world is at an end.

I don't know what I'm going to do next.

Might I suggest, sir, as a temporary measure,

a Brandy and soda with just a dash of ice.

Griggs, old boy, at times you're almost human.

- Thank you, sir. - Lead on.

Yes. Pardon me, sir.

But I don't suppose you'll be needing this now,

will you, sir?

This deportee didn't come aboard.

- What's his name? - Robert Gregory.

Oh, yes, I remember this case.

We gave him three extensions.

I'll ask for a warrant and have him arrested.

Hey!

There's a little matter of $1.10.

I forgot.

Oh, no pockets.

I guess the tailor forgot to put in any pockets.

Ah. No pockets, huh?

Silly kind of a tailor, ain't he?

Yeah, I guess he was.

3,000 cabs in New York.

And why do I have to pick out all the nuts?

Well, it's gone, all right.

Lady, he ain't got any pockets,

and my meter says $1.10.

No pockets? Say, what kind of an army are you in?

I'm not exactly in an army, I'm an actor.

Now I'll never get paid.

What are we gonna do, lady?

I'll pay you. Put the bags in the cab, we go home.

You don't seem upset about being late.

You couldn't have wanted to catch that boat very badly.

It wasn't a question of want to, I had to.

I was being deported on that boat.

Deported? What for?

You're a citizen, aren't you?

I thought I was,

but the immigration department decided otherwise.

You see, my parents failed to take out citizenship papers.

Gee, that's tough luck.

Well, what are you going to do now?

Wait until morning, and try and get in touch

with the immigration authorities, I suppose.

Well, you can't wander around all night

in that silly uniform without any money.

Well, I guess not. My money and clothes are on that boat.

You better come along with me.

I think uncle Luigi can put you up for the night.

Well, that's very nice of you.

23rd street and Avenue a.

23rd and Avenue a

is that where you live? - Yes.

And wait 'til you get a peek at it.

You'll understand how I felt about my millionaire.

Gee, Mr. sascha, ain't this a swell party?

This is life. Life what is life?

You are born you die.

Your highness, I am honored.

I'm especially glad you are here, your highness,

because before we go into conference,

I have a great surprise for you.

And for you, archduke smirinoff,

and for you, general rashkachicoff, a great surprise.

This is very confidential.

Go across the street and you will find a lunch counter

eat, my little brothers. Eat to your heart's content.

Eat. It don't cost nothing.

And when

ah, when they are hungry, they are so beautiful.

Ah, Patricia, you are back. What has happened?

Has our American aristocrat given you the runout powder?

I missed the boat, that's about all.

Here, will you take these things

and the bags over to the house?

Ah, a general. Have you an army?

Why, no... we don't need much.

A few thousand men, a machine gun here, a tank there.

And poof, the Romanovs are restorated.

There. Eating the hot dog with such delicacy.

That is his highness prince lazuchnikoff.

We are preparing to restorate him to the throne of Russia.

Well, you sure have your work cut out for you.

You see... sascha.

I hate to interrupt your dream,

but Mr. Gregory isn't a soldier.

He isn't? What is he?

Mr. Gregory is an actor.

Ah, da, da.

Ah, an aristocrat among actors.

Tell Mary I'm bringing him home with me.

She better find a place for him to sleep.

Surely, surely.

What's ours is his.

The upper classes must stand together.

What size shirt do you wear? 15 1/2.

Keep away from my laundry.

Well, I'm sure glad I missed that boat.

This looks like a lot of fun

come on, I know a place

where we can get some indigestion free.

How about some hot dogs? - Sure.

A couple of hot dogs and red wine.

You know, it just occurred to me

you don't look very upset. Why should I?

You just lost the love of your life.

Yes, that's right, isn't it? I did.

Tough break on me.

No, all kidding aside, don't you really care?

Well, what good would caring do? He's gone, isn't he?

On the Grant suite, on his way to Europe.

And that, as the saying goes, ends that.

Evening, folks. Hope you're having a nice time.

Food all right? - Fine.

Here, have a cigar.

And don't forget, cast your vote for Mark c. Gilman.

He doesn't live in the district, Mr. gilman.

Oh. Well, have a nice time.

Punchinello!

Punchinello, please come on down.

Punchinello, Luigi calling you.

Uncle Luigi's having trouble with punchinello. Come on.

Luigi calling you, punchinello.

Patricia! What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be aboard the ship.

You take care of punchinello

I'll explain about the boat later.

Punchinello, Luigi loves you.

He doesn't even know you.

Shut up! Punchinello knows me.

He loves me too. He's the best monkey in the whole world.

But yesterday, I make a mistake.

I bring him to the zoo

and he fell in love with a monkey girl.

And now he's lovesick, that's all.

J ah, punchinello j

here, let me try. Maybe I can help.

Oh, sure.

J ho, punchinello &

j ho, punchinello j

j ho, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, punchinello j

I punchinello what's the matter j

j surely this is idle chatter j

j all this talk that love has got you down j

j must you be a pagliacci j

js crying only makes you splotchy j

j you're a funny figure of a clown j

j my fine, furry friend j

j begone j

j remember the show must go on j

j andon j

j ho, punchinello j

j don't be a downhearted fellow j

j no, punchinello j

j though your heart is breaking in two j

j smile through those teardrops j

j maybe someday she will listen j

j and kiss you j

j and whisper j

j I miss you, I need you, I do j

j punchinello, funny fellow j

j your funny old dream j

j may come true j

J ho, ho, ho, punchinello j j oh, punchi, oh, 'nello j

j don't be a downhearted fellow j

j don't be a mourner j j sulking in the corner j

j you're gonna find a lovely bride j

j ho, punchinello j j hello 2

j though your heart is breaking in two j

js we're inviting you to sing it too, with us j

j oh, Mr. punchinello & j smile through your teardrops j

j be a pagliacci j

j maybe someday she will listen j

j perhaps j j ho, punchinello j

j kiss you in the evening j

j a little love nest for you and for me j

j I said, oh kiddo, oh baby, you're gee j

j punchinello j j dry your eyes j

j funny fellow j js oh, chimp, don't be a chump j

j your funny old dreams may j

js oh, the monkey wrapped his tail j

j around the flagpole j j your funny old dreams may j

j he's a liar, he's a man from dixieland j

j your funny old dreams j

j may j

j come true j js your crazy, lazy, Daisy j

j daydream might come true j

oh, thank you, mister. Thank you very, very much.

You did a great favor to me

and I'm going to do a great favor to you.

Someday you come to my house

and I give you a fine dinner, huh?

Don't worry about that, Luigi.

He's staying with us tonight.

You stay with us? That's fine, fine.

Say, when's that monkey gonna do his act?

Right now, right now.

Is the best monkey in the whole world.

Well, it looks like you won yourself a home.

Come on, we'll find out where you're going to sleep.

Pat! You didn't marry him, you didn't marry him!

- No, darling, I didn't. - I knew you wouldn't.

Because that was part of my wish.

Mary, this is Mr. Bob Gregory.

Mr. Gregory, this is my kid sister.

Hello, Mary.

I bet you're the other part of my wish.

- What? - Yes, you see,

I made two wishes

you know, when you see the new moon over your shoulder,

you get anything you wish for.

So of course, I wished

that pat wouldn't marry that silly old man.

- Mary! - I think

you made a very nice wish, Mary.

Would you like to hear the other half of my wish?

Oh, no. Not now, Mary.

You've got to find a place for Mr. Gregory to sleep.

I'd like to hear the other half of your wish.

Well, I wished that pat would find herself a fellow

who was very handsome and didn't wear spats

and wasn't stuck-up and...

And someone that would make her happy.

Someone like you. Come on now, Mary.

We've got to get Mr. Gregory settled.

Let's see, we'll have to put you up in the basement

'til we find another place.

There's hardly any mice since we got the new mousetraps.

Don't you believe a word she says.

The basement's very nice.

That is, if you like the smell of onions.

We use it as a storeroom too.

I don't mind them a bit

well, I'll leave you in Mary's care, Mr. Gregory.

- Good night. - Good night,

and thanks very much for missing the boat.

Uh, this way, Mr. Gregory.

- What? - This way.

Oh, yes, yes.

Got your new boarder all set?

Uh-huh. I have to take him another blanket.

Uh, pat, would you take it to him?

I've got so many things to do.

And what have you got to do?

Well, uh, I've gotta go

and bring some things out from the other room.

Quite the matchmaker, aren't you?

Well, somebody's gotta make your matches for you.

When you do it yourself, you pick out such awful dopes.

I'd better get this straightened out.

Oh, hello. I was just beginning to miss you.

Mary thought you'd need an extra blanket

the most wonderful girl in the world.

- Who? - Mary.

- Oh. - You know,

I'd fall in love with her

if she were as old as you, for instance.

I'm afraid you're too late.

Mary has a crush on the butcher's boy.

Where I'm concerned, there's always a butcher's boy.

All the wonderful girls in the world have crushes,

or else they're about to be married.

Play something very sweet. You know, romantic.

- You're too cynical. - I can't help it.

Sure you can.

You've gotta learn to make the best of everything.

Make the best of

coming from you, that's something.

Let's take you, for instance.

What have you got to make the best out of, with...

Oh, you know what I mean. Everything.

Music, a beautiful woman, a wonderful night.

I don't mean to be fussy, but what woman,

and how much of the night do you see down here?

All of it all the heavens

look. There's the milky way.

Looks like a string of garlic to me.

Well, that all depends on your point of view.

There's the big Dipper.

And there's the moon. And a full moon, no less.

There's Jupiter, saturn, Mars.

And here's Venus.

Something tells me I'd better say good night.

Griggs.

There you are, Casanova.

- Griggs! - Oh, coming, sir.

Yes, sir?

No relief, sir? - None.

Shall we try some more bicarbonate, sir?

No, the bicarbonate interferes with the Brandy.

Griggs, I've come to a conclusion.

Well, congratulations, sir.

I've come to the mature conclusion that I'm in love.

I've tried to forget it.

I've tried to dismiss it as mere midsummer madness.

But it's no use I can't

I have a deep pain right here.

- Indigestion, sir? - Yeah. No, it's love!

Miss Patricia, sir?

Oh, but of course.

Why not send an ambassador to miss Patricia

to patch things up, sir?

Oh, no. That'd show that I have no pride.

All right, I have no pride! Proceed, griggs.

I also have my pride, sir.

It would seem that we are confronted with a choice

between our pride and miss Patricia.

Which do we choose, sir?

- Miss Patricia. - Hooray, sir.

- Don't do that, griggs! - I beg your pardon, sir.

Now, with regard to this ambassador, sir.

He must be clever and adroit

- clever and adroit? - Yes, sir.

But whom?

Well, of course, sir, only modesty prevents that I should-

- you? - Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Garcon!

- And one Spanish omelet. - One Spanish omelet.

Who is it for? - Mr. goldfarb.

And Mr. Gallagher wants some blintzes.

Do you know how

to make blintzes? - Blintzes?

Why, I was decorated by the czar once for making blintzes.

Of course, that was before the revolution.

Blintzes.

I I made blintzes for the czar j

j I made blintzes j good morning, sascha.

Good morning.

- Morning, Luigi. - Buon giorno, Roberto.

You sleep good? - Like a top.

That's fine. Sit down.

What do you want for breakfast?

- What have you got? - We got any of fruit you want

as long as you don't ask for grapefruits,

melons, oranges, peaches or pears.

We are all out of them

well, anything's all right.

Here, uncle Luigi.

A customer finally left one.

Good morning, Bob. Good morning.

How about starting off with some nice melon?

- Melons? - But you just said-

- all right, so I am a liar. But I got to eat too, no?

Say, is that you?

Why, that is you, Bob.

"The penalty for willful evasion of deportation

is two to five years in the federal penitentiary.”

- Good morning, everybody. - Good morning.

Good morning, Bob. Sleep well?

Never better take a look at that.

You are in real trouble

so you ran away from the cops?

I was a fugitive too once.

Of course, that was after the revolution.

As soon as you've finished your breakfast, you and I

are going down to the immigration department together.

I'll explain how our cabs collided.

They probably won't do anything if you give yourself up.

Except deport me.

That wouldn't be a very pleasant outlook now.

Well, that's better than going to jail.

Maybe you can get back into the country legally some way.

The only way I could legally reenter the country

would be under the quota.

They let 322 in that way every year.

You see, there's always a way out.

Yes, but there are 64,953 ahead of me.

Let me see, 322 into 64,953.

That makes, roughly speaking, 221 years.

Have you got the Patience to wait that long?

What else can I do?

What? - Hide.

Sure. We hide you here.

And don't worry, nobody will be able to find you.

Why, certainly. Our creditors never find us

oh, don't pay any attention to them, Bob.

It isn't worth taking the chance.

Look, it's very simple.

You stay in the basement, move around only at night.

Change your name.

Let me see, what kind of a name could I give you?

Montmorency montague. That's sounds stylish, don't it?

Mr. amatti wants to know if he can charge his breakfast.

- He has already eaten it? - Yes.

He can charge it.

We trust everybody, but nobody trusts us.

Don't worry about amatti.

He's my cousin, and I okay the bill.

You okay the bill? Who okays you?

Amatti, gianelli, princeppi, Giovanni and Gallagher.

You okay all their bills. They're all your cousins.

I suppose Gallagher is your cousin too?

Sure, he's married to Rose, my uncle's

second wife's niece. Cousins! Cousins!

What I want to know is when do I get some money?

You owe me, your cousins owe me, everybody owes me.

I owe you?

Listen, who's the boss here? Who pays the rent?

All right, who pays the rent? Who?

Nobody pays the rent.

If somebody doesn't pay the rent soon,

we'll all be thrown out.

Mm, a high-class-looking customer.

And he doesn't look like anybody's cousin.

It's all right, Mary. Sit down.

I'll wait on him

Luigi, a man with all your cousins

should be able to borrow the rent money.

Punchinello.

Look, he's different from my cousins.

He helping me to pay the rent.

Punchinello, thank you.

Thank you very, very, very much.

The high-class-looking customer

wants some French toast and coffee

and he wants to talk to Patricia

I hope he is not your cousin.

Oh, excuse me.

Sascha. What does he look like?

He's got a round, smooth face.

- Hair kind of thin on top? - Yeah.

- I bet that's him. - Who?

Oh, that silly old Mr. gardner.

Oh, Bob, don't you see? You can't go away.

You've gotta stay here

and help me keep pat from marrying him.

Please

but you, you didn't sail last night?

Obviously not.

Mr. gardner and myself got off the boat

in a very daring and dangerous manner at the last moment.

It's hardly necessary for me to inform you, miss Patricia,

that Mr. gardner is very, very indignant

about your jilting him. But I didn't jilt Charles.

I was in a taxicab accident and missed the boat.

A highly implausible story,

if I may say so, miss Patricia.

I'd like to help you, Mary, but what can I do?

Make her fall in love with you.

That may not be so easy to do.

Oh, yes, it will.

You made me fall in love with you.

You're a very sweet kid, Mary.

That's what I mean. But tell that to pat.

I mean, about her. And like you meant it, only more.

All right, I'll see what I can do.

Sascha, I'll take that in.

Now, I don't say positively

that Mr. gardner will forgive you,

but there's a possibility, just a remote possibility,

that if you approach him in a very penitent mood

and play upon his sympathies- who gets the French toast?

- I do. - Do you like it hot?

Yes, of course.

It's hot, all right.

There you are.

Anything for you, madame? Nothing.

- Hey, waiter. - Yes, sir?

Your face is very familiar.

I've been wearing it for a long time.

No, no. I mean, haven't I seen you someplace before?

I don't know. What kind of places do you go to?

Yes, it's a funny thing, I hardly ever forget a face.

I'm positive I've seen you someplace before.

Well, where do you work besides here?

Oh, uh, he never worked anywhere.

I mean, unless you count the wpa.

Oh, uh, what's new in the paper?

"Temperature rises as nation wilts."

That'll be all, waiter.

Now, miss Patricia, with regard to Mr. gardner,

he didn't sleep a wink all night.

Excuse me.

No, he didn't sleep at all, and I think it must be love.

Will you go away?

Yes, I'm sure it's love that keeps him awake,

because it couldn't be indigestion

because I gave him bicarbonate three times.

That's deduction

why not use your woman's wiles?

Shed a tear at the right moment.

Then maybe you'll be able

to reinstate yourself in his affections.

That isn't gardner. That's his valet.

What were they talking about?

He's patching things up between pat and his boss.

He almost recognized me.

He's got a paper with my picture in it.

That settles it. You've got to wear a disguise.

But how can I disguise myself?

I can't grow a beard in a moment's notice.

A beard!

Ouch! What are you doing, my beard!

He needs it worse than you do.

Besides, the police aren't after you.

But I thought that beard was on the level.

He wears it because he thinks

it makes him look distinguished.

People think that Russians without whiskers are a fake,

so I had to wear them

Bob needs it more than you do, sascha.

I've had that beard for years. I feel naked.

Don't worry, someday you'll be able

to grow a real one. - Ouch!

I've tried to grow a real one many times,

but it always comes out red.

An aristocrat like me, with a red beard, red! Bah!

And so if everything is patched up, it's my suggestion

that you and Mr. gardner marry immediately.

Will that be all, sir?

Um, don't take that away, I haven't finished with it yet.

Hey, you look just like the other waiter, except for the...

Oh, yes, the other waiter. That's my brother.

Oh, well, then you look just like his brother,

except for the...

That's funny.

I'm positive I've seen your brother someplace before.

Could it have been- no, he's never been there.

No.

- Has he persuaded her yet? - Looks very much that way.

- We've got to stop her. - I'm doing the best I can.

I'll keep trying.

Hey, waiter.

Ask that brother of yours to come in here, will you?

His face haunts me. My brother?

Oh, my brother, yes. He just left for Detroit.

Here's your coffee, sir. I didn't order any coffee.

Here it is.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I'll get you another cup of coffee, sir.

- Hey, waiter. - Yes, sir?

My paper! You've run off with my paper.

Oh, yes, your paper. What did I do with it?

There it is, under your arm.

Oh, so it is. It's a bit dampish.

I'll dry it off for you. No, thank you.

I'll dry it off myself.

Darn it.

- Looks like we're sunk. - Poor pat.

I wish there was something we could do

to bring her back to her senses.

She'll never be happy with him.

All she'll be is a bird in a gilded cage.

Say, you've got something there.

Hm?

J she's only a bird in a gilded cage j

j a beautiful sight to see j what is that?

It sounds like singing.

J and her beauty was sold j

j for an old man's gold j

j she's a bird j excuse me, miss Patricia,

but this offends my acoustical sensitivities.

We'll see you this evening. I'll be there at 7:00

j in a gilded cage j

j a gilded cage j

very funny.

Maybe it worked.

You're not going to marry him, are you, pat?

I'm meeting Mr. gardner for dinner. Tonight.

Patricia, I think you are a fool.

After all, what good is money?

Well, just to give you one example,

if you had a little money

you could pay Mr. Willoughby the back rent.

Mr. Willoughby. Bah for Mr. Willoughby.

I never have any money,

but I'm happy all the time just the same.

You not only haven't any money,

but worse, you've got cousins.

I think you are smart, pat.

Marry the first time for money. One divorce and you are set.

You can marry for love the second time.

Morning, everybody.

Morning, Luigi. - Buon giorno.

Good morning, young fella.

You're a stranger around here, aren't you?

Say, Patricia, I'm looking for the young fellow

that sang at the block party last night.

Very anxious to get ahold of him.

Well, he said something

about taking a trip into the country.

Oh, uh, yes. Way out west somewhere.

Gee, that's too bad.

I had a swell job for that young fella.

- A job? - Yes, a singing job,

where he could get himself 10 or 15 dollars a day.

Oh, you mean the fella

that sang at the block party last night.

Oh, the one that sang, you mean.

Why didn't you say who you meant?

- Yes, that's me. - Well, if that's you,

you certainly look different this morning.

- Oh, that's him. - Sure, that's him.

Well, maybe that doctor was right

when he said I needed glasses.

Well, you've got a job singing, young fella.

Be at ward headquarters at 2 P.M.

We'll go to the rally from there.

Bring someone along to play the piano for you.

Pat can play the piano for you.

- Oh, but, I- - Would you, please?

Well, all right.

Okay, then, that's all set.

By golly, I can't help thinking

you looked different last night.

Well, you know how artificial lighting changes people.

Yeah. Say, do you mind if I ask you something personal?

- Why, no. - Are you very fond

of that beard? - Well, I...

Because you'd go much better on this job

if you'd shave it off.

Well, Mr. gilman, much as I hate to part with it,

I'll get rid of the beard. Fine. Good day.

See you at the meeting. All right, Mr. gilman.

- So long. - So long.

Well, I've got a job. Now I can help you pay the rent.

Good boy. Shake.

But, uh, what are you going to wear?

You can't go that way.

Well, that seems to be the end of that job.

Luigi, your cousin amatti runs a clothing store.

He always comes here to eat and charge.

Now we get a suit for Bob and we charge.

J why, why did I have to wake up j

j and break up a heavenly night j

j the dawn's rosy hue j

j is making me blue j

j for I was dreaming, but really dreaming j

j and sweeping my heart off its feet j

I with visions sweet j

j sweet visions of you j

j you drifted through the moon glow j

j and made the moon grow dim j

j you are a hymn to love supreme j

j oh, what a lovely dream j

j you sprinkled me with stardust j

j and not a star on high j

j could match the twinkle in your eye j

j oh, what a lovely dream j

j asleep in my bed, my head was in heaven j

j dreaming of you, from 11 to seven j

j woke up at two, but I knew there was more j

j I went back and finished the story j

j I covered you with kisses j

j for you were Mrs. me j

j why can't we be the way we seem j

j in my, oh, what a lovely dream j

j you belong to me j

j I belong to you j

j in a lovely dream j

Thanks, folks, thanks.

And now I wanna take this opportunity of telling you

how much I appreciate the way you've all turned out.

This demonstration of loyalty has brought tears to my eyes,

I am ashamed to admit it.

It's a great country. So easy to get rich.

$15 for a day's work. That's roughly $100 a week.

That's, uh, 5,000 a year.

Why, in 100 years, we've got half a million dollars.

Yes, but you forgot about the taxes.

It'll take longer than that.

All right, 200 years. Who cares?

Well, that's hardly a practical view.

Who wants to be practical?

Maybe you're right.

The impractical people have all the fun.

Take sascha, for instance,

with his phony medals and his beard and all his pretensions.

He certainly isn't-

Pat, don't marry gardner.

You know how much I love you. Yes, I know.

I had no business telling you.

I haven't a thing to offer you.

I know that too

When I stopped being practical,

I certainly went all the way.

Come on. - Where?

I've got a date to break.

Western union, please.

Hello, I'd like to send a telegram

to Mr. Charles gardner, 250 park Avenue, New York.

My dear Charles- no, just Charles.

No, no, operator. Just a minute.

Be quiet.

Um, Charles, I've changed my mind. Stop.

I won't be there for dinner tonight. Stop.

I whipped out my trusty pistol.

"Boris varanoff llovitch," I cried.

"I know you are really pieter petrovitch ivara."

He saw that I had him he wilted

"there," I said to the czar,

"is the traitor who has betrayed us.”

- Gee. - "Sascha, my son,"

the czar said to me, and I saluted him.

"You are a patriot and a hero."

And he kissed me on both cheeks and gave me this.

Of course, that was before the revolution.

Wait a minute

you told me last week you got this

for saving the king of Bulgaria.

Both medals are the same.

The medal that the king of Bulgaria gave to me,

the czar gave to him.

Pat! Oh, you look so happy.

I guess she'd better be the first to know.

Oh, pat! Pat, I'm so happy.

Bob, you're gonna be my brother.

Oh, I knew I could make you forget that old man.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Congratulations?

What's the matter? The landlord die?

Looks like you're about to become my uncle.

Pat and I are engaged. Swell, swell.

Congratulations. But I'm not really their uncle.

They just call me that.

Patricia, I bet you are much more happy

than with the rich man

well, it looks like I'm going to

spend a five-year honeymoon waiting for him

outside of the penitentiary.

But as long as everybody else is crazy,

I suppose I might as well be too.

And now we celebrate!

- Hey, that's the champagne. - Sure.

But we were keeping it for a rich customer.

Who cares for the rich customers?

I hope it's cold. It should be.

It's been on ice for four years.

J oh, punchinello j

j don't be a downhearted fellow j

j oh, punchinello j

j though your heart is breaking in two j

j oh, punchinello j

j maybe someday she will listen j

j I'll kiss you and whisper j

j I want you, I need you, I do j

j punchinello, funny fellow j

j your funny old dreams may come true j

- Oh, dear. - Griggs.

- Yes, sir? - Get me my lawyer

and a bottle of Brandy. Very good, sir.

And griggs... I know, sir.

Get the Brandy before I get the lawyer.

Griggs, never mind the lawyer,

just get the Brandy. Very good, sir.

It's no use.

Fate is conspiring against us.

There will be no Charles Spencer gardner iv.

Oh, don't take such a pessimistic view, sir.

After all, there are other women in the world.

I don't feel up to conducting another search

for the mother of the gardner heir.

The line dies with me

the cat!

Casanova, you're a rowdy.

There you are. You see, sir, I was right.

As soon as miss Patricia started acting

in such a flighty manner, I said to myself,

"cherchez la femme."

Only, of course, in this case it's, "cherchez I'homme."

You're sound very incoherent. Have you been drinking?

Good gracious, me? No, sir.

But you see this is the young man

with whom miss Patricia's in love

he's ruined your romance.

He's very handsome, isn't he?

- Yes, and he's a singer. - A formidable combination.

Griggs, are you suggesting

that I should take singing lessons?

Good gracious, me? No, sir.

But you seem rather to have missed the point.

You see, it says here that he's wanted by the police.

Now, all we have to do is let the police know

that he's working in that restaurant as a waiter,

and voila, they jail him and he's out of our way.

Griggs, you're being very insulting.

- Insulting, sir? - Extremely so.

You're suggesting that I, Charles Spencer gardner lll,

should turn informer

- well, I'm sorry, sir, but- - No buts.

It's not only unsportsmanlike,

but it's dishonorable as well. Yes, sir.

And in addition to being dishonorable, it wouldn't help.

Even if he were in jail, she'd still be in love with him.

And I couldn't be married to a woman

who was in love with a convict, could 1?

- Yeah, that's right, sir. - There's one thing more.

He looks husky. He might punch me in the nose.

I absolutely forbid you to inform the police.

Yes, sir.

I've never disobeyed you. Yet.

Well, if you tell me that's what Mr. gardner wants,

that's what I'll have to do

after all, I just work here. He's the owner of this rag.

That is exactly what mr gardner does want.

Okay, then, that's what he'll get.

All I can say is it's the daffiest thing I ever heard of.

Why, this guy'll sue him for libel.

It'll cost him a million dollars

that'll still leave Mr. Gardner with 5 million.

Have it his way.

- Hello? - Composing room?

- Yes. - Hold your stereotypers.

We're making room

for a new front page. - Right.

- Press room? - Yes.

Get ready to run a special edition

as soon as the bulldogs are off the presses.

Special edition? How many copies?

One copy, and don't tell me I'm daffy,

because I'll have to agree with you.

"It is stated that he deserted his wife and three children

two years ago and that they have had no word

or financial help from him in that time."

There you are. And now, listen.

Don't let this copy fall into the wrong hands,

for if this actor finds out

that we've superimposed his face on this picture,

he can sue us and he'll wind up by owning this paper,

heaven help him. I've got our best boy,

Mr. griggs. Oh, thank you very much.

Come on in, Joe.

Ah, you look a nice, bright lad.

How do you do, son? - Hi.

Now listen, Joe, I've got a special mission for you.

A mission as important as the message to Garcia.

And if you do this well, you'll win the gardner medal

for loyal and meritorious services

in the interests of the paper.

Yeah, but what's in it for me besides all that baloney?

$10, so long as I can't appeal to your better nature.

- Paper, lady? - No, thanks.

Aw, gee, buy a paper, lady.

I've been out all day and this is my last one.

If I go home without selling it, my old man's gonna beat me.

Your father beats you?

Well, only when he's drunk, but that ain't exactly seldom.

Come on, please buy a paper, lady.

Your father ought to be in jail.

Here, son. - Gee, a buck!

And don't give it to that father of yours.

And if he ever hits you, you call a policeman.

- Here's your paper. - Never mind. You keep it.

Hey!

- Good morning. - Yeah

the crepe suzettes ala romanov are very good here.

As a matter of fact, they're very good anywhere.

All right, I'll have some.

Oh, now, that's a funny coincidence.

I'll have some blintzes

ah, blintzes.

Yeah, I just happened to see here where this columnist

says this is the place in town to get blintzes.

- Columnist? - Yeah, it says right here.

"The best blintzes in town

are at sascha bolotoff's little restaurant

on the east side." Sascha bolotoff?

Why, that's me. You're sascha bolotoff?

- None other. - Well, that's fine.

Sascha bolotoff, you are hereby served with summons

and complaint of the eviction proceedings filed against you

by e.H. Willoughby for nonpayment of rent.

- A process server. - Check. So long, pal.

What's wrong, sascha?

Life what is life?

You are born you die.

It sounds pretty bad.

And here's a man

who brings three children into this world.

Not one, not two, but three.

He should be

why, it's Bob!

Three children.

Well, I suppose if you're going in for that sort of thing

you might just as well do a good job of it.

Oh, pat, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. It's funny.

Someone better brush the hayseed out of my hair.

Imagine me falling for as phony and as silly a line

as he pulled on me. - You mean,

with false words, he lured you into his-

- what? - Lured you into his arms?

Well, that's one way of putting it.

I'll get my cleaver.

Sascha! You'll do nothing of the sort.

You'll not let him know ['ve seen this you understand?

All right, if that's the way you feel about it.

But I still think my cleaver-

- sascha, please. He mustn't know anything about it.

All right. Only, with my cleaver

he wouldn't know anything about it either.

Griggs? Let me speak to Mr...

Oh, is that you, Charles?

This 1s Patricia

but I don't understand, Patricia.

Your attitude seemed so different.

Oh, how could you think such a thing, Charles? What?

Oh, you mean the young fellow griggs saw in the restaurant?

Oh, how could you be so silly, Charles?

What? Why, yes, of course, Patricia.

Of course I love you.

Huh?

You do?

Why, thank you. - Goodbye.

Oh. Well, it's just as well you heard, Bob.

I'd have had to tell you anyway.

Oh, you're a nice boy, but after all,

you haven't got any money or any future.

I don't suppose you can divorce a sister, can you?

I mean, like a husband and wife.

If you've got a sister,

she's just your sister no matter what she does.

But I'm never gonna speak to her again as long as I live.

I wouldn't feel that way, Mary.

Pat's trying to do what she thinks is best.

I talk, I talk to Mr. Willoughby, but is no use.

Is no use!

He say if we don't pay our rent, we gotta go out,

skidoo, or scram. Where's sascha?

He's gone to collect from my cousins.

Well, maybe he can get the money.

Oh, here he is.

Did you collect?

Life what is life?

You are born you die.

He don't collect

you have just heard

the last broadcast of this series

and now, a few words

about the new Andre kostelanetz program.

This new program, entitled "tune-up time,"

will inaugurate a series of musical broadcasts

featuring music in the inimitable kostelanetz manner.

I know how to get that money.

Excuse me. Hello?

Yes. Oh, yes, I've heard about you.

It'll be one of

the greatest publicity stunts pulled on the air.

Yes, when the program's over, I'll give myself up.

Mr. kostelanetz has got to do it for me. I need the money.

Very well, I'll arrange everything.

I'm sure Mr. kostelanetz will like the idea.

Thanks thanks a lot

Bob, if you appear, they'll arrest you.

But they're sure to arrest me anyway.

By doing it this way, I can get the money to pay the rent.

Bob?

Would you think I didn't have any modesty

if I asked you something? Why, no, Mary.

Would you kiss me?

Of course, if you would rather winter in Florida,

we could open the palm beach house

instead of going to Nassau.

Or you might prefer Honolulu for a change.

What would you think of that?

What? Oh, yes, of course.

Anything you say, Charles.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is melville ruick speaking and bringing you a preview

of what you will hear on tonight's radio programs.

Quite the most interesting

and unusual event to be heard tonight at 9:00

on the Andre kostelanetz hour,

will be two song numbers by Bob Gregory.

Gregory, you will remember, is the young man

who startled Broadway with a brilliant performance

when he stepped into Raymond Barrett's role

in "the gay guardsman” on the same evening

that he was to be deported.

That was the chap, wasn't it?

Yes

you know, that young man

gave me some bad moments, Patricia.

He made me realize that I'm not as young as I used to be

and that perhaps all my money

can't compensate for lack of youth.

Charles, you needn't spend one second

thinking about Bob Gregory.

Dinner is served, sir.

It's "tune-up time," so tune in, America.

The chief believes the boy's story

and sees no reason why he shouldn't give the performance

before I take him down to the department.

And there'll be no taxicab accident this time.

No, sir. And thank you very much.

- Here's your money. - Thank you.

"The samba, spelled s-a-m-b-a,

1s the national dance of Brazil

for our first number this evening,

Mr. kostelanetz will present his arrangement

of the exciting melodies used in this dance.

Ladies and gentlemen, the samba.”

"And now, the young man you've been reading so much about,

Mr. Bob Gregory, singing t's a blue world '

J you were the light that brightened my life j

j my stars and moon and sun j

j then with your flight came the night in my life j

J it's a blue world j

j without you j

j it's a blue world j

j alone j

j my days and nights that once were filled with heaven j

j with you away, how empty they have grown j

j it's a blue world j

I from now on j

j it's a blue world for me j

j the sea, the sky, my heart, and I j

j we're all an indigo hue j

j without you j

j it's a blue, blue world j

J it's a blue world j

j without you j

j it's a blue world j

j alone j

j the sea, the sky, my heart, and I j

j we're all an indigo hue j

j without you j

j it's a blue, blue world j

You're still in love with him, aren't you, Patricia?

Oh, come on. Be honest with yourself and admit it.

Of course I am. I'm sorry, Charles.

I should've been honest with you.

Oh, excuse me,

there seems to be something wrong in the kitchen.

Drinking, griggs?

Yes, sir, if you'll excuse it.

I think I deserve a little celebration

you see, if it wasn't for me,

miss Patricia wouldn't be here

And so I had both pictures made into one

and printed on the paper

and got them into miss Patricia's hands.

And you see the results, sir.

Highly satisfactory, even though I say so myself.

And should you think of giving me a little reward, sir,

I have a suggestion.

I intend to reward you, griggs.

Patricia, you should be crying.

Your conduct is scandalous.

- My conduct? - Yes.

You're in love with a man and he's in trouble

and you're not with him.

That's scandalous conduct, isn't it?

But it's his conduct

he has a wife and three children in Europe.

No, he hasn't.

That photograph was the fine machiavellian hand of griggs.

There's no truth in it

Charles, you're a nice guy. A swell guy.

You know, that remark pleases me almost as much

as when you promised to marry me.

Well, what shall I do?

Well, you're here and he's there.

Charles,

I love you.

And I'm going to name my first child after you.

Griggs!

Yes, sir?

What do you think of this for the name of a baby,

Charles Spencer gardner Gregory iv?

Get my lawyer and a bottle of Brandy.

Oh, no, no, griggs. Never mind about the Brandy.

Get the lawyer. Very good, sir.

Charles Spencer...

But suppose it's a girl.

Bob!

Oh, darling, you haven't got a wife and three children

what?

A wife and three children? Should I have?

It was that picture fooled me, but griggs did it.

He took your picture and put it in the other picture.

Understand? - I don't get it.

Well, I'll explain later.

A minute and a half, Mr. Gregory.

A minute and a half to what?

A minute and a half, he's on the air.

Charles!

Is deputy inspector Miller

of the United States immigration department here?

That's me.

Inspector, here you are.

You'll find these perfectly in order

and sworn to before a federal judge.

- Yes, but- - Now, this is a certificate,

signed, sealed, and attested to by Charles Spencer gardner-

- the third. - Uh, the third,

posting a bond of $50,000

to obtain a 30-day stay of deportation for Robert Gregory.

And this is an application

for the adoption of Robert Gregory

by Charles Spencer gardner.

Said adoption

to make Robert Gregory an American citizen, to wit.

Griggs, congratulate me.

I'm about to become a grandfather.

Congratulations.

Mr. Gregory, you're on.

J I've got music in my heart j

j oh, what music in my heart j

j I can't eat, I can't talk j

j without symphonies playing j

j I've got feet that won't walk j

j without swinging and swaying j

j my heart's made of singing strings j

j when they play, my heart has wings j

j I can't move from this groove j

j with the spell that it's woven j

j I got notes, but not notes

I that aren't bach and Beethoven j

j let my heart set out a star j

j 'cause I've got music in my heart j

J my heart's made of singing strings j

j and when they play, my heart has wings j

j when it strums within me, my head goes reeling j

j when it hums within me, I hit the ceiling j

j I've got drums within me j

j and oh, boy, what a feeling j

j I've got music j

j I've got the thrill of music j

j in my heart j