Original subtitles

Rotten.

Try another?

They all be the same, Ambrose!

Well... what are we going to tell the squire?

'Tis not just the squire.

The entire village shall suffer for this.

And they shall hate us for it.

We'll be driven out of the parish, boy!

Unless...

Oh!

Come back in thy basket, little bread.

Strange woman, talks to herself, lives alone.

Well... her husband died in an accident.

Accident, was it?

Perhaps she cursed him.

Perhaps she summoned this frost, cursed the crops?

Ohhh!

We'd best tell the squire we have a witch in our midst.

Until, finally,

the crowd dispersed.

And that is what happened...

to me.

I'll be having nightmares about that.

You didn't see it live. Uh.

Those horrible men! Gracious me!

Wish I'd never heard it.

Well, you wanted to know... I know, and I'm sorry.

Now, we have run over a bit.

Now, I know we were supposed to play "if I could invite four people,

"living or dead, to my dinner party, who would they be and why"...

Nicole, Natalie, Melanie and Shaznay, because, All Saints.

But given the nature of what we've just heard, I think it only right

that we cancel that... Good. And take some time to reflect.

Really?

Quite right.

Right, well, erm... I mean...

what will I do? I... just... Right. Excellent. Over here.

You seen this energy bill?

Hmm? Hmm?

What?!

That must be a mistake. Yeah, must be.

I'll call them. Yeah. I mean, I know they've gone up, but...

Oh, Mike. It's the Gatehouse.

Ohhh! Why didn't we think about that?

Wasn't it on the spreadsheet?

No. And everything was on there.

Even the little shampoos and variety cereals. Man!

Why can't we be like business-y people that...

You know, adults that say business-y words and drive nice cars?

Ohh! Mike, have you seen the stone from my mum's ring?

What does it look like? Are you kidding?

I've worn it, like, half the time I've known you.

Oh, yeah. The... ring. The, er, re...

Green. It's deep green. What, the green one?

Yeah, yeah... Have you seen it? No. Oh...

I'll keep an eye out. Thanks.

No jewel could possibly match the jewel of thine eye.

Where did you last have it? Er, on my finger. Yeah! Fair enough.

As bright as the North Star and as rare and precious as...

Thomas, please, please, please can you give it a rest?

You have to try and find a way to stop this.

OK? Of course, my love.

I mean, yes, Mrs Cooper, I would do anything for...

She's right, you know.

A person should know when enough is enough. Hmm?

Look, I don't understand.

It's all very well saying, "At ease,"

but what are we supposed to do for the rest of the day?

Whatever we feel like.

But it's the whole day, Kitty. Oh, I don't think about the whole day.

I just think about now. How do you decide what to do?

I suppose I've never really thought about it, I just...

Oh, look! A butterfly!

Hmm? Kitty!

You haven't answered my question.

Kitty! I say!

I know what it's like, Mary. Oh!

Oh, you do? Mm.

I was the subject of a few witch-hunts myself.

Ohhh... But you'll be pleased to know

that times have changed.

These days, we listen to women.

Well... perhaps it was a blessings, erm, in the end.

Yeah, great. But I did not think that at the time. No, at first...

Oh. There's more, is there? Oh, good...

I mean, at first I could hardly...

Hello! Thought we'd introduce ourselves. No way!

Mike! Scott! How are you, man?

Hey! You all right?

Wait, is this...? This is my place, yeah.

You guys know each other? Yeah! From college.

Cooper?

No way! Oh, my God. Hey!

Wow, it's been so long. Yeah!

I heard you'd inherited a mansion. I can't believe this is it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you guys aren't doing so bad yourself, with these wheels.

We can't complain. Things have been

really kicking off the last couple of years, yeah. Good!

And you must be...? Oh, sorry, this is Alison, the lady of the manor!

Nice to meet you. Hi. Laetitia and Scott.

Nice to meet you. Hi. Nice to meet you.

Er, come in and have a drink. Yeah.

Our generous hosts left us this complimentary bottle of prosecco.

Oh, they sound nice.

I'd leave a very good review for that.

Yeah, we will, we will. Yeah! I've actually got to get on.

But it was really nice to meet you. And you. See you in a bit.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, catch up with your mates.

I... I've been neglecting the ghosts recently, so I should

see if they need anything. Yeah.

Sounds really weird saying that out loud.

Time passed slowly at first

in the realm of the unlivings.

Table, if you please!

And I just kept myself to myself for the first 50 years or so.

"Ah, good morning, Humphrey, and how are you?"

I'm all right, thank you very much for asking.

Very good, sir, sir...

But all that changed one fateful day.

Will the prayers be...? Hush, Annie!

Did you sleep at sermon?

'Tis a day of humiliation and fasting.

Be silent. Search thyself for sins of which to repent.

But... I said hush!

Bring not God's wrath down upon us... woman.

Mmmm! Mmmm!

Uh...

She was not happy to be dead.

But then, I suppose no person is at first.

Be this a jape? Why am I not in heaven?

What, because of the bread?

I have lived a lifetime abstaining from all pleasures,

listening to his verbal effluence all the day long.

Could not so much as cough without furious consequence.

And for what? I was promised Eden.

How do you do? I'm Humphrey.

Ooh! Another one?

What is that?!

Er, it's a savage of some kind. His name's Ro.

Rogh!

That's what I said. Ro.

I think it's short for something.

Be there no-one else?

Er...

Right, so you made a friend.

Good. That's lovely. Now, I...

Though I did not know it at the time,

Annie would be the changing of me.

That's not the end? OK.

Oh, yes, each day would we...

Just try to ignore her.

Impossible!

Can a man ignore the ocean even as it drowns him?

She just wants you to stop the comments, Thomas.

I cannot simply... She is within me.

She courses through my veins like...

That's it! What?

I must to go through a complete withdrawal,

remove her from my system.

It was the same with opium. I must shut myself away

until the urge is gone.

Ooh! Cold turkey. Bootiful.

That's what it's called when you just stop rather than cutting down.

It worked for me brother-in-law and he used to smoke

30 Woodbine a day.

You'll never see it through.

We'll use the attic room, gable end.

Only one way out, which Robin will guard.

Yeah... No, I'm quite busy, actually. I got to wash my...

Patrick?

Er... Well... I suppose, if you really think it will...

Excellent. Thank you, Patrick.

It shouldn't last more than three days. At most four.

Four?!

Sucker!

Now, then, Patrick, I will cry, I will beg,

I will plead with you to let me out. But you must not,

under any circumstances,

allow me to leave that room. All right?

OK...

I wonder if she has friends. Butterfly friends.

Well, I'm not sure that, erm...

Or baby butterflies.

Well, baby butterflies are caterpillars, Katherine.

Yes, of course.

Yes. And one day... they come out

and they are their true, fabulous selves.

Oh, it's gone. Mm.

The mayfly only lives for a day. Did you know that?

Oh, which reminds me, how much of our day do we have left?

I don't know. Hmm.

Right, what shall we do now?

I don't know.

What do you feel like?

I feel like skipping.

Well, I... don't know about skipping

but I could try a light trot, I suppose. Yes...

Hiya. Where are you going? Nowhere.

Just going for a walk. I'll come with you. Er, no, thank you,

Alison, no.

Hi, guys! Anything you need?

Fine, thank you. We're skipping.

It's harder than it looks.

There's a sort of rhythm one has to master.

Well, I'm around if you... I'm around.

And then, on the... eighty... seventh day...

Was it eighty-eighth?

Eighty-seventh... There was a man, and Annie did...

Hey! Are you sleepings?

No! No, not at all.

Er, I used to get this a lot in the House of Commons,

and I shall say to you what I said to them,

which is this -

I actually listen better with my eyes closed, so...

Well, as long as you are.

I am. Very much so. Please, carry on.

Well, it was the eighty-seventh day...

He speaks as though he suffers great temptation,

but I tell thee, if Eve looked like her, Adam would not have succumbed

in a moment!

And who are you? You look like a great testicle with eyes. Oh!

Well, so, 'tis time to return to the nag, may the Lord keep me.

May the Lord give you the runs.

Every man is a... Go on, you try.

Erm... No, I cannot.

Go on, say he's a wart.

A scab. A crankle. An arseworm. Go on, quick!

No, I cannot. Sorry.

And so began Annie's tutelage.

Determined was she to unshackle my voice.

Hello?

Hi, Pat.

Eh? Oh! Hi, Alison.

You OK? I've got a bit of an afternoon off,

if you fancy watching some football or Krypton Factor?

Oh, my. I'd absolutely love that.

But I can't. Oh? Why?

- Well, I've got to... - Is that her?

Get her away from here.

It's for your benefit, Alison.

He's going cold turkey.

Oh...

Oh! OK.

Well, I guess that just leaves...

Huh?

I know I've been really busy lately,

so I thought I could spend some quality time with my crew.

Yeah. It's a nice day.

We could see all of this nature outside, you know?

Deer? Maybe.

Outside? Mm.

Three mil?!

Turnover, not profit. Still!

It's all about expanding now.

We've just secured investment to go international, so...

This is incredible. What about you, though?

This is... This is lovely. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I mean, we've been working really hard.

The house is a money pit, with renovations and stuff.

We want to make a go of it as a hotel, but it's just this for now.

Cool, cool. We're trying.

If you wanna tell me the secret to your success, then...

Seriously, tell me the secret to your success.

Er... Honestly, we were struggling ourselves

until we joined this programme a couple of years ago. Oh, right?

Yeah. It's like an executive success course. But it's, erm...

It's kind of more supportive than that sounds. Mm.

And it's just changed our whole thing.

Taught us how to prioritise our goals.

It's actually why we're here.

We're going to this big seminar tonight in town.

Oh. Tell me more.

So you sacrifice your horsey,

dooka-dooka,

but you trick them with prawns

in middle of the board,

in a V formation.

You always surprise me, Robin.

I know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover,

but I often forget how cultured...

Squirrel!

OK.

I lost it.

Sorry, you were saying?

Oh, no. Well, I was just...

There it is!

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Oh, Alison. What are you up to?

Oh, I'm taking Robin for a walk. GROWLING

OK. How were your mates? Yeah, good. Really good.

So they're doing really well with their business.

They're turning over, like, millions.

So, I was like, "What's your secret?" And it turns out

it's all down to this programme that they're on that taught them

everything they know and introduced them to this whole network,

and they've invited us to a seminar - tonight -

to start our own journey of personal growth.

Our journey of personal growth?

Yeah. It sounds a bit culty.

No. Does it?

I've already said we'll go. Well, just... Just back out.

Just say we can't come.

Hey! They're coming...

Hey! Did you, er, tell Alison about the seminar?

Yeah. Amazing. I'm actually kind of jealous.

There's nothing like the first time. I cried, didn't I?

Yeah, sobbed. It was magical.

We brought you these sashes.

Actually, I... I know it seems a bit culty,

but it's just a symbolic thing to show

that you're virgin speakers before you make your oath.

Hmm.

That's your favourite colour, isn't it, Mike?

Yeah.

Great. Well, we'll drive.

Shall we pick you up from the house at five?

Yeah. Can't wait for you to meet the High Shepherd.

Yeah.

Bye.

Going to meet the shepherd.

I think they'll be great additions to the flock.

Well done. I thought you were going to say something.

We shall practise upon this fellow.

What shall I say?

Speak just as you choose. Utter anything your mind can conjure.

Thou art a skinny man...

Mm-hm.

Wi-with stick arms

and a pumpkin head...

and hay hands.

Right. Them's just facts, though.

Yeah.

Oh, Mary...

Ah. That was a very jolly sing-song, Kitty.

Wasn't it? Yes, and it must have killed...

What do you think? Two hours or...? That's your problem.

Why would you want to kill time?

It's there to be enjoyed, not killed. Yes, but...

I mean, you seem to enjoy everything, Kitty,

and I just don't know how...

If you're doing it right, you don't even notice the time.

Oh! Ants!

What? Oh, no, no.

No, no, don't worry, Kitty.

They can't... they can't touch you, of course.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Ah, that one's called a soldier.

There he goes. Brave little fellow.

Yeah. They can carry several times their own body weight.

Did you know that? Oh, look!

There's actually two different colonies.

I think we could be witnessing an invasion.

Oh, yes. There they go,

establishing a front line.

HE CHUCKLES Yes.

But we won't be giving up our strategic position

that easily, will we, boys?

Think your way through this, Thorne, come on!

Your mind is your own. If you want to think of something

other than her beautiful face, then you can.

You don't need to dwell on the colour of her eyes

or the way her lip curls when she smiles...

Don't forget her dimples. Of course, her d...

Ah! What are you doing there?!

Trying to get over her, are you?

It's impossible! Well, just think of something else.

As far away as you can imagine.

A beach. If you like, yeah, imagine a beach.

The sea.

The fish.

The fishermen.

Talking of the sirens at sea.

Careful.

The auburn-haired, hazel-eyed beauties...

called Alison. I can't do it! You see?!

Yes.

Patrick, I need to see her.

No, Thomas. Just for one second,

just a glimpse, and then I'll be fine. Then... then...

You said you'd say this, mate.

I know, but, Patrick, please.

I have to!

Just a tiny taste.

No, Thomas!

All right?

I'm going to put my foot down. It's for your own good.

This is my foot going down. OK?

OK.

I didn't know it was there. 'Twas there all along.

Fastest squirrel in the world!

I didn't know, but she was there all along.

She was ever so amusing! Who are you talking to?

No... No-one. Don't stand there!

Huh? You're standing on my horse.

What? My horse! Montague.

You're still on him. He's a horse, Alison.

This OK? Yes. That's Montague.

That's Bessie, my first dog. Bitch.

That's Jasmine, the Siamese.

Jasper, the falcon.

And Dante. But wasn't Dante in the house?

No, that was just the crust. We buried the meat.

What? You mean, like the giblets and the...?

Now you're making it sound disgusting!

OK. So what is this? Like a...?

A pet cemetery, yes.

I come here once a week to pay my respects to my beloveds.

I do miss them, you know.

The company.

The long walks.

Grooming their hair.

What?

So hot.

So cold.

Humphrey?

Humphrey, are you awake?

I love you, Thomas.

No!

I love you, too. Oh, God...

What are you talking about?

I need to get out of here.

You have to help me.

I am overcome with delirium.

Come here, my darling.

Argh! I love you, Thomas.

No, my darling, please...!

Kiss me, Thomas.

Kiss me.

Not so fast, you blighter!

There's nothing to see here.

Come on, you.

Back to your cell!

Right. Where was I?

Shouting at scarecrows.

Thou... is...

a acorn. Good, good.

Oh, thou, erm...

Mary, say something to these.

My wife's mother is visiting. Oof!

Their tongues will not have ceased all day.

HE CHUCKLES Women do chatter so.

No. I cannot, Annie. It's... It's too hard.

Oh, 'tis only too hard cos you still think like a living.

We were shut up all our lives,

kept silent, kept in our place.

Now, Mary, we are free.

More free than ever in life.

I shall have no peace as long as she's in the house.

The old witch.

Thou art a blaggard.

Thou art a snake.

Pox-ridden boil.

Yes, Mary! Scurvy toad!

Ooh! What's the matter?

Ooh, a blister on my heel. Ha-ha.

I shall have my wife bathe it in salts 'pon my return.

I'm sure 'twill please her to do so.

Oh, I'm sure she'd rather gouge her own eyes out with a fork.

Looking at thy face,

I can't imagine the horror of thy feets.

Oh! How do I look? Simply wonderful!

Eurgh! Wonderfully daft.

'Tis better suited to a dog.

GIGGLING Hush now, girls.

These games are unbecoming of a young lady.

Yes, Father. Yes, Father.

Your face is unbecoming of a face!

Yeah, you big horse's lad!

The lark shall sing its morning hymn

To the bloom of bright and gay...

I sneeze better poetry than this.

Yeah. I'd rather listen to a donkey die a slow death.

Yeah, me too.

So, in troth, Annie did teach me to speak as I find.

Death may take from us many things,

but it gave me a voice.

I hope that whate'er is next is even better.

Well, I usually do about, erm, five potatoes high, and then...

Lucky cow.

Aw...

Huh.

Well, I suppose we should all just make t'most of it,

until we finally receive

our blessed suckings-off.

Mm. Annie sounds great. I wish I'd met her.

Aye, she certainly sounded colourful. She was.

A remarkable woman. And I should know -

I've been listening since the very start, haven't I, Mary?

Ah, they're here. What do I say?

Well, how should I know?

People think politicians don't listen, but, y'know,

I think Mary can tell you, this politician does listen.

This politician is all ears.

Well, I think...

And I think it's just great that women these days

can say exactly what they want.

Well, I think that...

Women have never had it so good.

I'm sorry, I just think that's great.

Hey! Hey. Hey...

- So... - Just look at Alison.

She's never afraid to speak her mind.

You guys feeling ready? Perhaps you can say what you want,

but it's not without consequence, is it? Have you got some dry clothes

to change into after the ceremony? Oh, God. Well, about that...

You can't just go around shouting, "Hello, I'm Mrs Jellyhead -

"look at my wibbly friends,"

and expect to be invited to many dinner parties.

In ages, so... Yeah, that's a great point, Fanny.

Alison, you can't talk to us. There's people here.

Alison...

No, it's fine, everyone. I can just... I can say what I want.

Sorry. Sorry, that must sound mad,

but don't worry, I'm not. I'm just talking to the ghosts who live here.

Say hello to our guests, guys.

Hello.

They say hello.

Erm, there's Kitty - she's a Georgian lady.

There's Lady Button.

She was actually showing me her pet cemetery, if you can...

Ooh, sorry, careful. If you just move out of the way,

cos Humphrey's body is just walking through,

and I don't know where the head is. Anyone know?

Um... Wait, is this a joke?

It's not. It's not, is it, Mike?

He can't see them either, and it drives him up the wall. Yeah.

Now, then, is it time to meet the High Shepherd?

Ha... Erm...

Do you know what? It's...

I've just remembered we were...

Yeah, I completely forgot, but we were told... Yeah... it's full.

Oh. Sold out. No room, so...

Maybe next time. Next time. That's a shame. A shame.

Yeah. OK. Shame.

- All right. - Bye!

They say bye. Later, alligator!

DOOR CLOSES Yes!

Well done, Alison. Well done.

I'm sorry, Pat. I was in the grip of a hallucination

and I wasn't myself. I swear it will not happen again.

You're damn right it won't.

Another peep out of you, and you're in the hole!

You all right?

No, I'm...

Patrick, I have to see Alison.

Oh, my God! It's only been ten seconds.

Now get back in there, you pathetic little...

I found the stone from her ring!

Really? Yes. It's under the bed.

Let me tell her. She needs to know!

You ain't going to see sunlight till breakfast, pal.

Now get in that cell where you belong.

Lights out!

Scum.

Oh, right, that must be time for...

Actually, what is that time for?

What are we doing? Where's Pat?

Oh, we don't need Patrick.

I'll do the lecture, shall I?

Oh... Oh, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait. It'll be something fun, like...

Oh! ...like the time I met Bryan Ferry on -

wait for it - a train.

Yeah. No. I will do the talk.

What are you going to teach us? How to eat raw meat?

How about how to beat Julian at chess?!

That's out of order!

I'll take you down to Chinatown, bitch!

All right, calm down!

Let's just take a moment, shall we?

Hang on a minute. You're late!

Hmm? Am I? Oh, yes...

Well, I suppose I just lost track of time.

What?!

Well, I mean, what's the rush anyway?

We've got for ever.

Well, we've got until seven,

because that's when we're watching Captain America.

Yes, good point. As you were.

A boat. A sail.

A mast.

A crow's nest.

Alison.

Cooper.

Hmm!

Alison...

Alison!

I just wanted to tell you I found your ring piece.

Your jewel. And it...

Right, let me guess, its beauty cannot hope to match

the deep pools of my eyes.

No. I was just going to say it's up in the attic room.

Oh, yes!

Aw, Thomas, I could kiss you!

Yes. Do it. Kiss me hard on the mouth.

Kiss me for ever.

Oh, God, no!

I tried so hard!

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